HealthyGamerGG - How to Deal With Indecision In Life

Episode Date: January 3, 2022

Dr. K Talks Indecision! Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

So Dr. Kay, how do you become more decisive in getting, get over the fear of making the wrong decision in life? I'm struggling with indecision lately. Sometimes it is difficult for me to make decisions on what to do on a daily moment to moment basis. It is also difficult for me to decide what to do next in my life. I get overwhelmed with all the options and choices, can't figure out what I truly want anymore, and am paralyzed by a fear of making the wrong life choices. I feel as if I don't have freedom and spontaneity. I deliberate on things too much and end up not making any decision because I fear that I might start something and end up not liking it and then there'll be no way to get out of it. This happens more with big life decisions like what direction to go in next. I realize my indecision protects me from not having to make a choice,

but I feel that I've always been like this. As a kid, I was easily overwhelmed and would often have this feeling of time running out, and then I would throw a tantrum because I felt trapped. if the walls were closing in on me. Today, this feeling persists in my decision-making, though not always as strong. How do you become more decisive? Is there some kind of exercise or practice that would help with this in decision and fear of making the wrong choice? So the short answer is yes. So we're going to approach this from a couple of different angles. First, we're going to take a Nyana Yogue angle. So Nya-Nya-Yog is the path of knowledge. So we're going to examine this using like the ability of contemplation.

The second thing that we're going to reference is sort of specifically what is going on with this person and where

this kind of indecision comes from. The third thing that we're going to touch on is strategies to deal with

indecision. And the last thing we're going to touch on is a meditation of sorts that will theoretically help

with this, but it's a little bit more advanced. Okay? So the first thing is, so this person is concerned about making the right decision or the wrong decision. So what is a right decision or wrong decision? So this is kind of the path of Nyan Yog.

So anytime you're faced with a difficulty in life, what Nyan Yog says is understand the nature of the thing. So we're not going to like fix it. We're just going to understand how it works. We're going to try to figure out what are the laws of physics here? Like what are the equations that govern gravity and elect. electromagnetism and Newtonian mechanics, right? We're just going to try to figure out what the laws that govern this are. So what is the right decision and what is a wrong decision? What do you all think,

chat? How do you know if you're making the right decision or the wrong decision? Okay, so I'm going to tell you all a story. So I had a patient about, let me make sure I get this right, about seven, six years ago that was in a competitive work environment and they were scheduled for a meeting so there was a promotion

opening up and they were in a very competitive in work environment. They had a colleague that they disliked and they were scheduled for a meeting to lobby for the promotion. So the morning, the meeting was at like 1030 or something. So they get to their office.

And at about 9.15, they get a call that their father has fainted. And so they really don't have a choice, but they're, you know, so they have to leave. They have to cancel the meeting. They're really kind of frustrated with themselves. In the sense, they don't really blame their father, but they're kind of blaming their father because, you know, they're missing this meeting. They're also, like, playing doomsday scenarios in their mind that, oh, like, now that, like, I've missed this meeting, like, you know, my colleague who I dislike will get the promotion. I'm going to have to report

into them. Like, there's a lot of doomsday in their head. And so they go home. They take care of their dad. They take their dad to the emergency room. They spend the bulk of a day there. They miss their meeting. You know, their colleague has the meeting, so the person is kind of screwed. They're sitting in the emergency room with their dad watching the television when they see that something has happened. And that it turns out that a plane has flown into the building where they work. And it happened to be September 11th, 2001. And so this person was so upset about the promotion. Real story, by the way.

So at McLean Hospital, they have a program, a trauma program for first responders. And I was running groups with this program when I ended up meeting this person and they sort of shared this story with me. And it turns out that if they had been in the office that day, they wouldn't be alive. And so like, you know, it really struck me. So we had a long conversation about karma. Real story, 100%. So we had a conversation. about karma and, you know, what's good for you and what's not good for you. And this person was really

fantastic. They were sharing a lot of their perspective about what they learned from this experience. And so it really makes me wonder, like, what is the right decision and what is the wrong decision, right? So how do you measure it? Like, how do you measure it, right? How do you know if you're making the right decision or the wrong decision? So I'll give you guys like another example. So this is like a personal one that I'm sure you all have heard before. So there's no situation in which a 4.0 is inferior to a 2.5, right? Like, you always want a 2.5 GPA. You never want a 4.0 GPA. And when I was in school, I was sure that I was making all the wrong decisions. Like, I was sleeping through Spanish class. Got an F in Spanish chat. First semester of freshman year. First F. G.G. And so you can't think in that moment,

you're thinking, oh, this is the wrong decision. Like, I should have gotten an A, right? Because an A is better. But it turns out that if people who are struggling to find motivation on the internet, if they listen to someone who's gotten a 4.0 their entire life, they're going to have trouble relating to that person, or the person who's gotten a 4.0 their entire life will have trouble relating to them. And so it's kind of bizarre, but like we just don't know what the right decisions are or the wrong decisions. You can even logically, like even if you step away from my two visceral examples, and you say, Dr. Kay, you're not forming a good enough art.

argument. So then I'm curious. Like, genuinely, forget about what I say. What are the metrics that you measure a decision by? Right? Is it what happens in the future? So then the question is kind of interesting because it's like, you know, like even if circumstances, like if I, you know, if I drive drunk, for example, and I don't get into an accident, is that the right decision or the wrong decision to drive drunk? Because there was no consequence. Right? So do you measure a right decision or wrong decision by the consequence? Well, that's kind of interesting, because it doesn't feel to me that, like, I think driving drunk is always bad, like, irrespective of whether you dodge a bullet or not. And so how do you measure what is this idea of right

decision or wrong decision? Really think about that. If you're paralyzed because you're trying to make the right decision, how the F would you even know? What does that mean for you? What does it mean to you to make the right decision? And what Niani Yorg, that's what Nyan Yorg sort of teaches, is ask yourself, where do you get this concept of a right decision or wrong decision? And now it turns out that the concept comes from a couple of different places. So the truth of the matter is that there are two things going on here. If you're stuck in making the right decision versus wrong decision, two issues at play. One is like a cognitive challenge or problem called the planning fallacy. And the second is the way that we're conditioned. So the first thing to understand is the

planning fallacy. And this is why you can't make the right decision. So people want to make plans. Why do you want to make a plan? You want to make a plan so that you end up, things end up going well, right? That's why you want to make the right decision. So you plan out what decisions you're going to make. So you end up in the place that you want to go. That's what a right decision is.

So the problem is that when do you make a plan? You make a plan at the beginning. And how much information do you have at the beginning? You have the least information. information do you have at the end? You have the most information. Therefore, when can you make the best plan? The best plan can be made at the end and the worst plan can be made at the beginning. Therefore, in a weird way, any plan that you make kind of projecting into the future, it's not technically true this way, but it's the planning policy, is just this idea that when you try to make a plan,

like if you're trying to figure out what you want to measure in at the age of 18 and you feel locked into that, you don't understand anything about the careers that you're committing to, right? Like, you don't understand. Like, if you major in pre-med, you have no idea what it's like to be a doctor. And this is a prime example of the planning fallacy. That when you make plans, you have the least amount of information. Therefore, they end up being the worst plans that you could, by definition, make. Because you don't have enough information.

The best decision, the best way to figure out what you should major in college is to go to college for years, figure out what the right major is, go back in time and tell your 18-year-old self, hey, this is what you'll major in because it'll work for you. But we can't do that. That's the planning fallacy. This is the first thing that you're paralyzing yourself with. The second thing is that we're conditioned. So why is it so hard? Okay, so then like the answer to the planning fallacy is to iterate, right? So the right move is like, you can't figure everything out from day zero. So you collect information over time and you course correct. So like you have to iterate. Like, I'm going to try majoring in this, and I'm going to recognize that this may not be the right choice.

And then I will adjust and adapt. But we can't do that, right? So then the question is like, why can't we just, like, if I were to tell you, hey, man, just adapt, iterate. You know, it's not going to be perfect first time around. You'll get there eventually. Why is that so hard for people to implement? Because it is, right?

I can say that, but it's not like people are just going to do it. And that's because of our conditioning. So this is unfortunate, but society, conditions us to be perfect and fast. So we're conditioned into thinking that society and life is a race. Okay. So the interesting thing is that society doesn't actually reward competence. They reward speed to competence.

Let me give you an example. So if I, let's say I'm in a class. Like, let's say I have a math class, okay? And the math class has three tests and a final. And let's say that the final, as a proper final example, covers all of the material throughout the whole year. So it has every single thing that I've learned in the math class that gets tested in a final. That's why it's called a final exam.

So the grading for the class is that the first test is worth 20%. The second test is worth 20%. The third test is worth 20%. That's 60%. Final is worth 40%. Super normal situation. So let's say that I didn't understand anything in the first test, didn't understand anything in the second test, didn't understand anything in the third test. Something happened in my mind.

crammed, I learned all of the math that I'm supposed to, and I get 100% on the final, and I got zeros on the first three tests. Do I pass the class or do I fail the class? Even though I may know the most math out of everyone in the class, and I've mastered all the concepts of mathematics, even though I get 100% on the final, I still fail the class. And it's the kid who got 80% the whole way through that passes the class. Right? So even though technically I know more mathematics than they do. I fail when they pass. So our system is designed for rapid progression to perfection. It's not about learning everything. It's about being impervious to making mistakes.

Our society conditions us to not make mistakes and not iterate. It demands perfection from the get-go. How do you become valedictorian of your high school? Why do we care about valedictorians? Do valedictorians know the most? Maybe not. We have no idea. That's not what valedictorian measures. What valedictorian measures is who has been perfect from day one. Who has been the most perfect, the fastest, and most consistently. That's actually what life rewards. Or that's what society rewards, I should say, not life. So this is why valedictorians are more competitive to get into college, right? So once again, if you're at the top of your class in high school, then you get into a better college. If you get into a better college, then you're going to get a better college, then you're going to get a better job. If you get a better job, you're going to make more money. If you make more money, you're going to be more attractive to people to mate with. And then you'll end up having your

choice and a better choice of who you end up marrying. And if you marry the right person, then you're going to have better kids. And now we see that since society has conditioned us this way, there's no room for mistakes. Why it's so damn paralyzing to not to make a choice. because if you don't board that train, because that's what life is, right? It's a train. You board the fast train, you're on the fast track in life.

It's a race, right? So, oh, yeah, like, I want my kid, so my parents wanted me to skip a grade, so I skipped a grade. I was like, okay, fine. And then, like, I started school when I was young, and then, like, sucked at sports. And then they want you to race through life

as quickly as possible. Everyone wants to take AP classes in high school. So they can graduate from college in three years. And now there's even abbreviated med schools that are three years instead of four inside in the U.S. So now, at the age of 24, I can graduate from medical school. I can finish my training at the age of 28, right? Hi, welcome to your neighborhood pharmacy. Hi, I've got a prescription for diabetes test strips.

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Everyone thinks it's a little, and what happens after 28? Like, what then? Then I've won. I've won the game of life. And I won at 28, which is better than winning at 40, obviously. because then you start living at 20. It's like, wait a minute, hold on. What? So our society conditions us to be terrified of making the wrong choice. Absolutely terrified. Because it punishes us for making the wrong choice. And that punishment sits with us for the rest of our life, right?

It's like, once you get one F in a class, your GPA is forever ruined. There's no way to escape your mistake. And now we wonder, why are so many young people terrified of making the wrong choice? It's because they've grown up in a society that does not let them make mistakes. It doesn't matter what you actually end up understanding. So thankfully, medicine is a little bit different. Somewhere along the way, medicine realized, like in residency, you don't have grades. Just think about this. Residences when you actually learn medicine. You no longer have grades. There's no grade. residency is when you're taking care of heart attacks.

You're learning how to take care of heart attacks. You're learning how to deal with narcissists. You're learning how to deal with addicts. You're learning how to deal with people who are having asthma. Learning how to talk to pre-diabetics. This is when you're actually learning how to save lives. And there's no grades. Why?

Because grades don't matter at that point. It's not about the grade. Grades are a way to measure against your colleagues. It's a way to differentiate human beings. It's an approximation of differentiation. It's a way for people who are reviewing applications to say this person is better than this person. That is the purpose of a grade. Once it actually comes to saving lives, no one cares.

Do you guys know, like, think about your doctor. If you all have a good doctor, do you know what their grades were? Do you care what their grades are? Does anyone care what their grades are? Does anyone care that they were valedictory of their high school? No one cares because at that point there's a real world consequence. So we get paralyzed because we have been conditioned on a system that does not relate to reality. It doesn't really matter.

And so now this is like we see why you're so paralyzed because you're just like, because the consequences will live with you for the rest of your life. So look at this. Paralyzed by making fear of the wrong life choices. Right? And then like you don't even truly know what you want anymore. because you're so paralyzed by making the wrong choice, even if you knew what you wanted at some point, but then you were afraid it was the wrong choice.

So then you started the process of convincing yourself that you didn't even want it. And then you're confused by what you want because you knew what you want, and then you killed it inside you because it was the wrong choice. And now you're confused, you're directionless. Like, what do I do? I don't even know what I want.

Yeah, that's because you took it out back. an accident. Because I fear that I might start something and end up not liking it, and there'll be no way to get out of it. Where do you think this attitude comes from? It comes from GPAs. Because if you make an F, that'll live with you for the rest of your life. If you fall behind in the race of life,

if you're 23 in graduating from college, there's no way you will ever catch up to the 22-year-olds who graduated from college. Time is limited. The sand and the hourglass has run out, and you are screwed. Paralyzed with indecision. So what does Nyan Yog say? Nanyug says first understand this. First and foremost. And then understand, is this actually true? So evaluate it for yourself. Is there a right decision or a wrong decision? Can I end up screwed in life? And the short answer is yes, you can. So then Nyan Yog says, what are you going to do about it? Let us assume that it is possible that you can make the wrong choice, which I'm not even sure is correct. But Niyang Yog will still say, so be it. This is a fact.

of life that you could be screwed. You could make the wrong choice. Any building that you walk into could collapse on your head. It's possible. What are you going to do about it? Jan Yog will then ask you, how are we going to live in this world of uncertainty? And this is where, like all the yogis, they get back to living in the present. Right?

So make the best choice you can today. I iterate. Recognize, that's where iteration comes from. Iteration is making the best choice you can today. recognizing that it may be the wrong choice. It may be a stupid choice. But you'll figure that out tomorrow, and then you're going to make the best choice you can tomorrow.

And then over time, you will learn how to make the right choices, which I recognize is sort of a paradox because we're saying there isn't a right choice. But it's almost like a game of Texas Hold'em, right? Where, like, you're, like, you get your first two cards, and you don't know what the flop is going to be.

You know, you don't know what the top is going to be. You don't know what the turn is going to be. You don't know what the river is going to be. So you make a bet based on the knowledge that you have. The flop shows up. Some cards show up. Oh, my God. Boy, did I screw up.

You adjust accordingly. Then the turn. Then the river. And then you may win and you may lose. But the cool thing is that even though the poker players don't can't, they can never see the future. They can never see the flop. They never do. And yet some people are good at poker and some people are bad at poker.

how do poker players get good. They start to learn, okay, this is how much I should do here. This is how much I should do here. They learn how to live with uncertainty. They learn how to make probabilistic bets. And that's all you can do in life. That's what it means to live in the present moment. You're making a probabilistic bet.

And this is why it's hard for people who are trying to make the right choice. People who are trying to make the right choice are basically doing one of these video game runs with one HP. It's like one HP and you wipe. their strategy is to be perfect from day one, right? It's 4.0 in high school, 4.0 in college, 4.0 in med school. That's their strategy, is the no-hit run. Right? That's what they want to do. But that's not a very reliable strategy.

What's far more reliable is to tank up and find some healing pots. And then just take the damage and heal up and keep going. It's far more reliable. That is the iterative strategy. That is living in the present moment. So make the best decision that you can today. Recognize that there's no such thing as the right decision or the wrong decision. There's only the best decision you can make today.

And then you may be paralyzed. You're like, oh my God, what is the best decision I make today? Oh, my God. How do I know which one's best? The next thing Nyan Yogue tells you is there's no such thing as a best decision. Just make a decision. Make the one that feels the best to you right now. Right?

That's what Yan Yog says. And then you're like, okay. but what if it goes wrong? And then Yan Yog says, then it goes wrong. And then you adjust tomorrow. But what if I'm screwed? Then you're screwed. You can't prevent being screwed.

You can just try to not be screwed. That's the most that you can do. Now, one other thing to point out, okay, before we jump into the meditation, as a kid, I was easily overwhelmed and would often have this feeling of time running out. And then I would throw this tantrum because I felt trapped, as if the walls were closing in on me. Today, this feeling persists in my decision-making, though not as strongly. So is there something that will help with this? So that's Nyanyog.

Now we're going to go in a different direction, okay? This chat is what we call a samskar. So a samskar is a ball of undigested emotion that lives within us and activates at particular times and interferes with the function of our mind. So this person has this fear from a young, young age that prevents them from making decisions. Over time, what they've learned how to do is suppress that fear. They've kept it from, so their brain is developed enough to where they no longer throw a tantrum. But the core of the feeling is still there. So this is something if you guys

have watched Dr. Kay's guide and you've looked at the Vedic psychology thing and you guys have watched falling behind fantasy trap or any of those other like depression videos. Right. So these are the videos that explore the common like complexes. that people will experience that lead to depression. So if you all have watched that, you'll recognize this as a sumscar. And this is the wild thing is that as long as you, that somscar exists within your mind,

you will continue to have this feeling. And if you truly want to be free of this, you have to digest that sumscar. You have to go to the root of the fear. Why do you feel trapped? Your mind has learned that if you don't make the right decision, you're going to get trapped.

It has learned that lesson. And so any time you try, try to make a decision, there's a voice in your head that says, don't make that decision. We're not sure it's right. We don't want to be trapped. So even if you try to live in the present, there's something within your mind that says, no, no, no, no, no. Living in the present is an idiotic idea. This whole living in the present thing, what if you screw up? Then we're going to have to live with it for the rest of our lives and we'll be trapped. There's a sensation of making a decision and becoming trapped by that decision. That comes from somewhere.

You weren't, well, that comes from a sumscar. There's absolutely a process to discover and digest that sumscar. It's much more complicated. We offer you an introduction in Dr. Kay's guide. The thing to understand is that sumscar comes from an experience. And this is where, depending on either you can find the experience or the yogis have hypothesized that it could come from a past life. So if you were born this way, there's still a sumscar. right? Because there's a clear set of programming that activates in your mind, almost like malware,

in a particular situation. Just because you cannot psychologically find the root of it in this life doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. And this is where I don't even know how to explain this, but I just know it's true. That as a psychotherapist, I have processed, I have done trauma processing work with people for things that have never happened to them. That is the best way I can describe it. So I have processed non-existing traumas for my patients. And it works wonderfully. Clinically, they improve drastically.

So one interpretation of this is that there is something that is from a past life. And in my, I don't know that that's, I don't think it's evidence for that, by the way. So I think what's just as equally likely is that they had some kind of experience, like some kind of imaginary experience, very young. Like maybe they were two years old and they watched a movie. And that movie was so emotionally. it essentially traumatized them. Maybe they just forgot the experience and can't recall it because memory isn't perfect.

There are all kinds of things. A lot of people will jump to past lives and reincarnation. As a scientist, I don't think I can do that. I think what I would rather conclude is what I did, which is that processing traumas that did not ever happen to a person that they can recall seems to be clinically beneficial. That is the statement I'm happy to stand behind. So could be a somscar from a past. past life. Who knows? Right? That depends on your own worldview, what you choose to believe,

what you choose to explore. And so at the end of the day, you have to deal with that root of, if I make the wrong decision, I will feel trapped. Where did you learn that? What does that mean for you? Be a Nyan yogi and explore that. The last thing that I'll leave you all with is a meditation of sort. So one is you can do the path of Nyan Yong. That's meditation number one, which is to ask yourself, what is a right decision and what is a wrong decision. Try to get as precise of an answer as you can. Don't give up. Give me the definition of a right decision or wrong decision. And how can I make the right decision or wrong decision? I want you all to like, anyone who comes up with a good answer, posted on the subreddit. If you think you have found the correct answer, post it. Let's see what

the community can come up with. How do you know, how can you make the right decision and how can you make the wrong decision? That is the question. So that's an exercise of Nyanyo. The second thing, kind of out of left field. So I want you to close your eyes for a moment and say to yourself, I am that. Say it to yourself three times. I am that. I am that.

I am that. So now what I want you all to do is go ahead and open your eyes. And then any time you are struggling with something, say, Say to yourself, that is you. That thing that you are struggling with, I am that. So I know it sounds kind of weird. So if you're struggling with another person, say to yourself that I am that. That is a part of me.

That human being is a part of who I am. I am that person. If you're struggling with making a decision what major to use or to pick. I am that. I am choosing a major. not like I am not like the verb I am the thing of choosing a major that complex that decision-making process that is what I am it's kind of weird I want you all to practice it for a while it's a more advanced technique of meditation but repeat to yourself I am that see the part of yourself in that external

thing as best as you can start to realize that there is no difference between you and another person There's no difference between you and a cup. And that comes from I Am That.