HealthyGamerGG - How To Deal With Unrequited Love

Episode Date: December 4, 2022

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If you feel like you're not a critical part of anyone's life, and you're feeling like empty on the inside, right, that you can have people who love you, people whom you love, very close friends, very close family, people who have supported you emotionally through hard times, you've supported them emotionally through hard times. Apparently you're in school right now to be able to study to help other people. Like, all that's great, but what I'm hearing is that you don't have love. And what's your name, my friend? You can call me Andy. Andy. Andy? Welcome, Andy. What's the emotion that you struggle with the most? The emotion I struggle with the most is probably loneliness,

but it's not necessarily isolation because I actually have a good amount of friendships and I'm very close with my siblings. It's more so, I would say, sort of like deeper connection and like having some sort of understanding with someone. Okay. So it sounds like you kind of feel like alone in a crowd of people. Yes. How long have you felt that way? Pretty much my whole life. Wow. I don't know that sounds dark. I actually like my current life. I'm doing pretty well by my own standards. but I haven't found anyone where I really feel understood, let's say. Do you mind if I ask how old you are?

Yeah, of course. I'm 21. Okay. And what do you think has made it hard for you to find someone that you can confide in? So I'm someone who has a lot of deep conversations with people. but I'm usually on the receiving end. So I'm usually the one doing the helping, for example. That's like what I'm going to school for. And because of this, right, like I've built experience

and I've learned that being vulnerable is a good trait to have. And every deep conversation I've had, I truly appreciate all the effort and time they put into me. But I feel like I get the same answers that I've been. already played through my head if that makes sense. Okay, so I'm, I just lost you a little bit. So when you say deep conversations, you're talking about emotionally supporting one of your friends? Yes, that's one of them. Yeah. Okay. And then, so if I'm hearing you correctly, you are able to be vulnerable and,

and actually lean on others for support. Correct? Yes. I've had. people have supported me a lot, especially in recent years. Okay, but and yet you don't feel connected to either of those groups, either the people that you support or the people that support you. I do feel a connection to them, and that's why I'm currently in a happy place. It's more so that I will occasionally have like those late night thinking episodes where you just sit in a spiral and realize that

even though there are people who care for me, I don't feel as if I'm playing a critical role in anyone's life. And that's when I kind of went through, like, the whole rationalization process of realizing that. I'm not going to be a critical part of everyone that I care about, and I shouldn't expect them to do the same for me. And it's just, you know, building my own path. It's just dealing with that, with the emotions that rise up whenever you're having like existential thoughts.

I don't know if I lost here. Nope. I'm just, can I think for a second? Of course. I really thought this was a powerful phrase you used, Andy. I don't play a critical role in anyone's life. Can you help me understand that? Right.

So I've spoken with people that were going through hardships, and I definitely feel as if I've helped those close to me. So when I say playing a critical role, I mean someone that they rely on and spend the majority of their time with to like pursue meaning in life or just fulfillment in general. Like I've noticed I tend to be like a side character. that's saying.

That's not exactly how I think about myself. Yeah, I think I understand you. So what I'm hearing is that like on paper, you have a lot of legit relationships. But when it comes down to it, you know, they're not party members. They're side characters, if that sort of makes sense.

I would, yes, I would describe it as if I am their side character. And do you feel like, someone plays a critical role in your life? Yes. I feel like there's a lot of people that kind of push me to where I am right now. And so you'd consider them vitally important to your life? Yes. And this may sound like a weird question, but have you ever asked people in your life what they think about you?

Yeah, I have a couple of times. and they're usually very positive responses. What was the question? So, can I think for a second, Andy? Of course. Okay, so other people have played a critical role in your life, right? Yes. Do they know that?

I tried to make that as clear as possible. How? For example, a close friend of mine who lives far from me that I've known probably the longest out of all my current friends, texting me happy birthday a couple weeks ago and they were like one of the only people who did it and I was like oh I really appreciate you by the way and we've had a couple conversations about how

even though we don't talk often and even though we live different lives like we can still appreciate each other and be there for each other so I have a lot of relationships with people where I know that if I called them even at like three in the morning we would be able to have like a good conversation or they would be willing to drop things to help me

but it's sort of like the step after that where it's like I love that they're willing to help me and I truly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart but there's just something missing that I haven't received from anyone that still makes me feel like a unique anomaly if that makes sense Andy have you ever been in love yes are you in love right now uh I've been trying to move past it for a while now. Why? It didn't work out. I don't know if you want details.

I don't mind sharing. I don't know if that's the direction you want to take this. So any, just to be frank with you, like, okay, so like if you say that I don't play a critical role in anyone's life. So it sounds to me like you have very genuine, deep reciprocal relationships where if, if something happened to you tomorrow, I get the sense that a lot of people, would feel that loss and very genuinely grieve. Would you agree with that or disagree?

I agree. So, and I know it sounds kind of weird, but if someone says, okay, I don't play a critical role in anyone else's life, we've got two options there, okay? One is that you're wrong, like there's some kind of cognitive bias, self-esteem, depression, whatever, where you think that way, but it's not true. Does that make sense? Yes. I've done a lot of reflection on that.

I went from someone who had a lot of self-loathing to someone who has moderate respect for himself. Awesome. We'll take it. Strong work, Andy. But the thing is, like, you may not be, like, I don't know how to say this, but you may not be wrong there.

Maybe the reason that you feel like you don't play a critical, vital role, like, sure, you'll be missed, sure, you'll be grieved, and sure you're loved. but I'm kind of hearing you say that like no one's life would be shattered and irreparable if you disappeared tomorrow I

I strongly disagree with that okay tell me I I know that there's definitely a couple of people within my family who would be strongly affected by if I deceased right

and I actually actually, the way I kind of pulled myself out of like the whole like depression, let's say, because I never consider myself depressed, but I definitely went through a lot of episodes of like difficulty understanding myself was I came up with this quote that was the less you take care of yourself, the bigger the burden you place on others. Beautiful dude. And that led to it. A series of reflections where I realized, well, but I don't want to be a burden on those that I

strongly care about, I must care about myself, or else they will forever worry about. Brilliant. So you're telling me that... So that's where I am. But you're telling me that if you disappeared from the face of the oath tomorrow, many people's lives would be shattered. Some. Some.

Many is a strong word. Okay. Sub. Yeah, I agree. Sub. I agree. Yeah. Okay.

So how is that not playing a critical role in someone's life? And it doesn't have to be. I'm not trying to catch you in a logical trap. I'm just trying to understand. Because that sounds like you play a critical role. No, yeah. Of course. And I agree in that aspect.

I do play a critical role. I feel like maybe I got off on the wrong foot. I was trying to imply that while I do have meaningful connections, it is partially one-sided in that I lack some form of fulfillment in them. Yeah, okay. And that it makes me feel bad because I cannot connect to some people that I truly love because I do not feel understood when I try to enter deeper stages of understanding. So when you say you don't feel understood, you were mentioning earlier that when you open up to some people,

they tell you things that you've already told yourself. Is that what you mean? Correct. Can you give me an example of that? So, for example, one of the... my biggest hardships, right, is my romantic life, right? So let's go back to the girl I love. So that's like the terminology we're using, right? I've had a lot of difficulties and a lot of like, I've learned a lot of life lessons through this pursuit, let's say, right?

And whenever I discuss sort of the hardships and like the emotions and like the sufferings that come with like my experiences with this girl, right? A lot of people tend to tell me things along the lines of, you know, it happens, it'll get better, you'll find another one. And I don't disagree with anything that they're saying. Of course, in order for me to move on, which is what I'm trying to do, I have to come to those realizations. But it's that, it's the attempt to try to understand why I feel the way I do.

that I feel like I haven't received from any. Makes perfect sense. And it's too difficult for me to explain to myself because I'm experiencing them. Andy, are you heartbroken? If that makes sense. I would say for a long time I was. What's it like?

To love someone who, I'm assuming, doesn't love you back. It's really hard. I spent a lot of years thinking it was going to work out. Wow, so it sounds like this has been something that has been someone in your life that for years. Yeah. If you want, I can give you a quick summary. I've practiced this. I'd love to hear it if you feel comfortable sharing. Yeah, of course. I'll try to keep it brief. So this goes back to middle school. I have a vivid memory. I met her on a field trip to a presentation.

It's like the love at first sight. I saw her on the bus. I watched her and said their presentation. And then the next day, my best friend comes up to me and says, I just met this beautiful girl. And it's her. So they go through a relationship. It doesn't work out.

She becomes very close to me because I'm best friends with him. A couple months later, I fall in love with her. and then we break off because her parents wouldn't allow her to date. And so the next year, she joins me in high school. And she's a bit distant. So being myself, you know, I kept doing high school things talking to other people. And eventually a mutual friend told me that she didn't care about. me anymore. And so I'm like, okay, well, I have to do something about this. There's rumors that another

girl liked me. I got into a three-year relationship. She got into other relationships. During this entire time, we were best friends. She told me a lot of private details about things happening with her family and in her relationships. And it always felt that there was tension. And she always mention things about me having sort of the traits that she wants in a partner and then due to me being unwise

I made a comment to try to prevent her from experiencing a difficulty in one of her most recent relationships that she did not take very fondly and we had a falling out and I have not spoken to her since

okay wait what did you say about doing something unwise? What did you say to her that was unwise? I essentially told her that the person, that she's not, her current relationship at the time was not going to last because it seemed to me that he did not truly care for her. And she didn't like hearing that? Correct. Especially because it actually happened. And he broke it off with her. And then you said, told you so. She held it. no i didn't say anything i said i'm truly sorry that happened i was trying to prepare you for the worst

and then he's like yeah well fuck you and then you know here we are andy how long have you been in love so i think close to seven years what's it like to fall in love with someone and have them date one of your best friends well at the time i didn't know that i look over at the shot for one second, I just see a Kekw. Okay, I'm closing it. That's so funny. At first, it didn't bother me because when I first met her, I didn't realize the relationship that I was going to have with her, right?

It wasn't until she started to experience a lot of tragic, unfair relationship drama that I started to start feeling the gut punches, right? At first, when she was talking to my best. friend, it's like, oh, whatever. Like, I hadn't done anything with the girl. And I wasn't going to take away the opportunity for my best friend at the time. I would say it was most painful when we were both in a relationship because I had to learn that the girl that I was with, that I did love and I did care for, I realized the hard way that unless I have some sort of infatuation with the girl I'm dating, I cannot be the partner.

I cannot be a competent partner, someone that I'm okay with being. And so the girl, not the one that I'm in love with, the one that I cared for, I was dating for three years, which sounds kind of sad. Eventually was like, I'm not getting what I want out of this relationship. And I'm like, sure. I understand. Because you're a lot with someone else?

I think we can make this work. Yeah. And I told her that before we started dating. That's a whole other story. And so because of that, I'm now in this predicament where I'm too busy to be the partner that I would want to be for a future romantic partner. And I have not found someone that I feel I could be competent with. Because to provide like the little bit too busy and competent with. Well, because I still love this girl from 70 years?

A part of me will probably always love her, but I am capable of being in a new relationship, if that makes sense. So I mean, like, I mean, Andy, like, you know, I know sometimes things are psychologically complicated and whatnot and we'll dig into a bunch of stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What I'm hearing is that you want to be, it's not that you're, so you said I don't have a critical role in anyone's life. Whereas like, it sounds like that's not true. What I'm really hearing after all this is that you just want to be a critical part of one person's life and you haven't been able to.

I would agree with that. So like I think there's another like intellectual factor that I'm, that I haven't had with anyone, even though I've met some brilliant people. But in terms of relationships, that's, that's certainly true. I mean, so this is where like, you know, so maybe there's something weird going on here with, some scars and all that kind of stuff.

But this is where it led us a part of me that's like, I think that, you know, so if you feel like you're not a critical part of anyone's life and you're feeling like empty on the inside, right, that you can have people who love you, people whom you love, very close friends, very close family, people who have supported you emotionally through hard times, you've supported them emotionally through hard times. Apparently you're in school right now to be able to study to help other people. Like all that's great, but what I'm hearing is that you don't have love.

and you're like you don't have a life that you can build with someone that there's like like you're you're you know you haven't found your soulmate or you have found your soulmate and you're not in a relationship and so that's where it's like I don't I don't think there's anything cognitively wrong with that I just think that you're a 21 year old who fell in love with the wrong girl. Ouch that's that's a reasonable finding I agree with that I mean when I say something like that, do you feel like I don't understand you? I think you've come to a reasonable conclusion. I mean, sure, it's reasonable, but is it right?

Yes, it is right. It's just, hmm, how do I explain this? The issue that I have isn't that I'm some lover boy who can't get past her, right? The issue that I have is I'm finding it difficult to find the motivation to attempt to do that again for example when did you all have this rupture about a year ago

so it sounds like you haven't moved past her yet you haven't gotten over and it's been a year what would constitute getting past in your eyes it's a great question not feeling the way that you do

right being able to recognize seeing someone else and having that love at first side experience having space in your heart for someone else? Because what I'm hearing is that you can date, right? You can kind of go through the motions,

but there's a spark that's missing, even in your three-year relationship. I'm hearing that you're self-aware. I'm hearing that you're progressive in the sense that you're not just going to wallow in things. You're not hung up on her. You're not sitting at home all day, crying your eyes out. You recognize that that ship is sailed,

and you're like basically grieving. But that I also get the sense. that in your mind, and even to certain degree your experience, you've had some conversations with this girl where you felt like she's the one and y'all connect on such a deep level, but you guys just haven't, like, y'all kept on, like, missing each other.

And so you never had the chance to explore, like, a real relationship with her. Because you get a crush on her, she starts dating your friend, then you all kind of, like, have some stuff going on. You date someone, she dates other people. And then, like, you're the bearer of bad news, right? Which is like fair because it sounds like you care about her as a friend as well

and you're able to sort of notice that. When it sounds to me like you've been in love with a girl for seven years and you've never really been able to have a relationship with her. And you sound like you're mature and heartbroken and you're in the process of getting over heartbroken. But I don't think this is like cognitively like a mistake on your part or some kind of bias or whatever. I mean, who knows? You can go get clinically evaluated for a mood disorder if you want to. but it sounds to me like you fell in love with the wrong girl and like you're in the process of moving past her and until you do you're going to feel like there's a fundamental part of your like of you that no one gets to see or feel or no yeah like I agree let me ask you this

Andy if she called you up tomorrow and was like Andy I've just realized that I've loved you my whole life and circumstances haven't been right, and I'm so sorry for everything that I've done, can we hang out sometime? And then y'all talk until 5 a.m., you guys talk through the night and the sun comes up. Like, how would you feel about that? I would probably want to take it really slow, and it would probably hurt me a lot. What would hurt you about that?

There's, I believe everything happens for a reason. and if this is the point where she would decide that we are something that should be attempted, it would be painful to have to think about the implications of that. What's painful about it? What are the implications? At this point in my life, I do not see any reasonable explanation for why someone should say, Oh, yes, you are currently the perfect form. I would have never pursued this before.

Andy. I'm sorry, you got me emotional. Give me a break. I'm not using my logical brain here. No, no, no. I mean, so it's you who should give me a break. If anyone needs to apologize here, it's me. But here's what I'm hearing.

I think you're going to have to take it slow because if she told you she loved you, it would hurt a lot. Because you've loved her for a long time and now she's realizing it. And now, like, after all this time and all this hurt and all this rejection and her day other dudes and you dating people that you're not in love with. Now she shows up. That's why you're going to take it slow. Yes. It sounds like you're still in love.

I think, I think, yeah, you've done a very good job. I mean, you've done a very good job. Like, I'm not trying to be harsh with you, but like, I don't think this is, I don't think there's anything wrong with you, man. I think that this is, like, this is what it is. Like, you're living life. You're mature. You're thoughtful.

You're careful. You're not, like, you're not going to let yourself be hung up on her, right? Which I think is awesome. That despite the fact that you were maybe in love with her, you decided to try to date someone else. You're not going to, like, put your life on hold for this person. Mm-hmm. I think that's fantastic. I think you've got self-respect.

And this is like, this is what sucks about being in love, is that you can do everything right and still get fucked. You're not doing anything wrong. You're doing everything right, bro. I think I learned how to do things better. Yeah. Like, look at you. You're awesome, man. I did things right.

And no amount of you being awesome and learning how to do things right. Like, that's the tragedy of love, my friend. Is that no amount of that shit will take away that feeling of being critical in the one person's life that you're head over heels in love with. I truly appreciate you saying that, especially because it's you. Because I feel, I don't know, somewhat justified in my suffering now. Of course. If that makes sense. Yeah.

There's some antisocial implications that's happened because of this. But I'm just doing my best. Yeah. And I was hoping maybe this call would, you know, reveal sort of like if it's just loneliness or it. Honest to God, Andy, I wish there was something wrong with you. but I don't think there is. I think, I think, I'm glad to hear that. I think you're a good dude who's trying to live life.

You're 21 years old. You fell in love with the wrong person. You didn't get hung up on her. You're doing everything right. And unfortunately, like, that's how the heart works. Like, and it sucks, bro. I don't think you're going to be ruined for the rest of your life. I think that somewhere along the way, like the heart heals.

That's what happens. Sometimes it takes longer than a year, especially when you've been in love with someone for seven. years. So give yourself a little bit of time to heal. And like, I mean, you're just, you're just too much of a Romeo to not get through this mess. I mean, to not have this whole cycle happen again with someone else.

Um, too, Romeo. That's so funny. I used to call myself a hopeless, a hopeless romantic. And you are. And this is, this is both the tragedy and joy of being a hopeless romantic. is that like it hurts so much now but like i hope to god andy one day you find someone who reciprocates your feelings and that is going to be a high like no other i i would truly look forward to that and i do believe i'm capable i believe you are too no this is soiling it

i wanted to show my camera i deeply appreciate you i saw you turn on your camera so i'm like I have to show us a little bit of love. But yeah, hopefully. Dude, you're good looking. Hopefully I'll be doing. Thank you. I appreciate that. I hope that I'm going to be capable of doing what you're doing in a couple of years.

I'm sure you will be. Well, a couple is probably going to be a lot, but. It's nice to see you smile, my friend. My cheeks hurt. Yeah, this conversation's helped a lot. I really appreciate it. You're very welcome. This is genuinely the first time I've heard a summary that, like, is like, yes, that is what's been happening.

Yeah, man. I think you seem really mature, like, you seem very mature for your age to me. And I think that, you know, you're doing things right, but I don't like, there's this idea that if we do everything right, we're not going to suffer. It's just, yeah, I learned that the hard way. That's right. Yeah, that's. You're going to suffer. And sometimes life is just shit.

And it's a catalyst to change. And I'm hearing that you've done basically like everything within your power to do what you can do. Like you gave an honest effort to a three-year relationship with someone else. And you love someone else. But keep trying. Like honestly, Andy, I think don't stop. Don't ever change. Even if it hurts today.

Like, it's worth it. It's worth it. You know how painful it is? I've heard so many people tell me that. And I'm always like, no, I clearly have to change, right? If something's not working, what's the first assumption you make? That you're doing something wrong. I'm the problem.

And that's what I'm telling you. I'm doing something wrong. And I'm sorry to slip into what other people say, but I think what happens, Andy, is that when people talk to you, like, you are so genuine. And frankly, you're lovely. Like, I appreciate that. And so we don't, we don't want to see you change. It would be sad if you became calloused. What do I say to that?

I clearly have to change because there's still a lot in my life that isn't the way it should be. But I understand what you're talking about, though. There's certainly, there's some core traits that I should definitely try to hold on to. Yeah. So I think there's a difference between like improving and getting better at some stuff and changing who you are. I agree with that You're right If you want to change change

But there's a part of me That thinks that the world Is a little bit brighter Because you're out there Being who you are And I think it'd be dimmer If you became more calculating That's the first time

I've really believed someone When they say that Which is kind of dark And it makes me sound like an asshole Look at my face. Do I look like I'm talking to an asshole? No, definitely not. I'm talking to, I appreciate that.

A brilliant fool. That is the best compliment I've ever gotten. And don't you stop being brilliant and don't you stop being a dumbass. Don't worry, dumbass for life. Yeah, I'm not getting off that train. Good. I boarded it a while ago. I'm still riding it.

So it's, we're going to ride it to the end, baby. I got on the right train. We're going places. It's bumpy. They're not necessarily pretty, but we're going to ride it to the end. You know, what's a little horse ride without some bumps? That's boring. Wise beyond your years, my friend.

And hopefully wiser, because I'm pretty sure me from last year was a dumbass. So if I'm still a dumbass, I still got a long way to go. You would be both, my friend. So good. it sounds like you're going to keep going forward so you keep doing you best of luck to you andy thank you very much i hope you have a lovely evening you too take care my friend take care all righty it's sad dude hard to be andy right but that's life don't run it like this is the thing like sometimes we fall in love and then we think okay i

I got to change. Right? Personal growth. I got to learn to be better. I got to learn to be less stupid. Not fall in love with the wrong person. Sometimes what we do is we turn our heart to stone because that's smarter. We're not going to let ourselves fall in love.

And you're right. It is smarter. But I don't know how to say this. All aboard the dumb ass train, let's go. Because that's life. Should you grow as a person? Sure. Should you get better?

Absolutely. But all aboard the Dubass Train. Let's go. If you found this video helpful, check out Dr. Kay's guide. We've spent hundreds of hours writing and filming to help people understand their mind

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