HealthyGamerGG - How to develop your personality

Episode Date: January 31, 2022

How to develop your personality Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A chill in the air. The howling of the wind. An army of monsters begging for candy at your door. Three perfectly acceptable reasons to stay in this Halloween. That's why there's Drizzly, the go-to app for alcohol delivery. With Drizley, you can compare prices on the biggest selection of beer, wine, and spirits, and choose from a variety of convenient delivery options. It's almost frighteningly easy. So download the Drizley app or go to Drizley.com. That's D-R-I-Z-L-Y.com. And then like I go to sleep. The next day I wake up, I go to class. And what do I feel as I walk into the classroom? That shame arises again and says, hey, go sit at the back.

And then suddenly that some scot is now controlling my behavior. Now I've made a shift in my personality. And I go and sit at the back of the classroom. So today we're going to talk a little bit about personality. And the interesting thing about personality is that we tend to view personality as static. Right. And so we say like, oh, I am this way or I am that way. but there's actually overwhelming evidence that personality changes over time.

So, for example, there are even things called personality disorders, which are when someone's personality is so extreme in a particular dimension, that it interferes with their ability to, like, form relationships and be successful in life. And so we actually diagnose it as a pathological condition. The good news is that even if you have a personality disorder, it's treatable and changeable, right? So you can, like, if you have a personality disorder, like if you're a narcissist, there are things that you can learn and change about your personality to shape it in the right direction. So today what I'm going to talk to you all about is how do we shape our personality?

Now this is something that we're going to lean heavily on sort of the Eastern perspective, and I'm going to start by explaining kind of why. So Western understanding of personality tends to be at a population level, right? So if we look at the best validated Western scientific construct of personality, it's the five-factor model, which divides personality into five dimensions. And you can assess someone's level on each of these dimensions. So how open are they? How agreeable are they?

How extroverted are they? How conscientious are they? So those are like the five dimensions. But the thing about Western personality analysis is it's not individual. So it's like population-based. So what you could say is that you can rank someone's neuroticism and you can say this person is highly neurotic, and you can give them an individual, you can give a scenario and you can say, okay, how is this person going to behave? What are they going to, how are they going to interact,

in this scenario? And you can't really make a concrete behavioral prediction, right? You can sort of say, in general, highly neurotic people or highly agreeable people will behave this way versus low agreeable people are less likely to behave that way. So you're talking about populations, you're talking about probabilities, which is very good. It's like kind of how Western science works. But it's not individual, right? So if you have high neuroticism, how you specifically behave and how to shape your individual personality is not something that Western science is actually like an expert at. Because Western science tends to look at the population level and averages, right? So even the model of the five factor model is to try to average out a bunch of individuals to figure out what are these five characteristics that are like generally specifically.

speaking applicable to everyone. So it's a very population-based system. So this is not, and people may sort of assume for a moment that that's the only way you can do things, right? How can you measure things at an individual level? And like, you absolutely can. That's literally what you do as a clinician, right? So as a clinician, I have all of this data about personality and depression and epidemiology, but at the end of the day, an individual comes into my office and I have to make individual decisions based on their individual personality and try to help them move forward, right? So you can have an evidence-based treatment that works for a personality disorder, but once you get in the room with an individual,

you have to apply that treatment at a level that there's going to be no randomized controls of trial that is going to teach you what is going to work 100% for an individual patient in your office. The Eastern perspective on personality, though, I think is far more applicable to an individual level. And the reason for that is because the yogis were like looking at an end of one, right? They weren't studying external things. They were studying things internally. So they asked the question, how does my mind work? Right?

And they looked at what was going on in their mind. And so they had perfect information on one person, but questionable whether it applied to anyone else. So we're going to use that model today. So the way that we're going to understand how to shape our personality has a few steps. The first is that we're going to talk a little bit about what is personality. How do we define personality? Like literally what is it? Once we understand what it is, we can move on to, okay, so now that we know what it is, how does it get constructed? So like where does it come from? Once we understand how it gets constructed and where it comes from, we can start to make alterations in the way that we are shaping our personality, because now we understand how it gets put together, so we can change how we put it together. At this point, we're going to talk a little bit about how most people shape their personalities. and then an alternative to the way that most people do it. Okay?

Let me use some gaming analogies there. And then we'll hopefully leave you with sort of an idea of how you can go about shaping your personality in a particular direction. And this sort of makes sense because if you look at monks, for example, right? So like people who are very spiritually adept, they seem chiller, they seem calmer, they're more open to things. They're able to be like more resilient. There's all kinds of, you know, data.

We talked about ADHD and parenting. the other day where there was a study that showed that mindful parenting reduces symptoms of child ADHD and improves like parenting behaviors. And so if you kind of think about that, like, how does that work, right? Like what's going on in the mind of the person of the parent where you can teach them a particular way of behaving, which then over time will shape their personality, which results in like all kinds of benefits. So you can absolutely adjust your personality through essentially spiritual practices like meditation, things like that, right? So they're maybe not spiritual and or they're starting to become scientific.

So this is what the yogis did. They like learn how to be like less reactive to stuff, more open to things. They're more motivated, more driven, like more focused. You know, they're able to control what they eat. So they shape all kinds of things about themselves. And so we're going to share that with y'all. Okay. So the first is what is personality?

So how do we know whether your personality is like different from someone else's personality, right? You are an individual. You have your own personality. maybe you've got a friend, you've got a partner, you've got a parent, you've got a sibling, and they have a different personality. So if I was an alien observing people from space, how would I figure out whether two people have different personalities or the same personality, right? And so essentially what personality is, is our individual way of reacting to a particular

scenario. So if someone rings my doorbell, do I, you know, open it up right away, or do I, like, peek through the window to see who it is. So like people will do all kinds of different behaviors given a common scenario. The first day when I go to class, where in the classroom do I sit? Do I sit in the front? Do I sit all the way in the back? Do I sit somewhere in the middle? Do I try to sit away from other people? Do I try to sit next to certain people? How do I select who I sit close to, right? So all of these, even if we take an individual scenario and we present 10 people with the same scenario, it is their reaction to that scenario and how they behave that shapes their

personality. So my personality is a combination of where I sit in the classroom with what I do first thing in the morning, how I open the door to my house, you know, what I do when someone cuts me off when I'm driving, you know, like how I relate to someone who is 15 minutes late for a date that we're supposed to be on. So all of this constellation of how I behave with the outside world, determines my personality, right? And so like each of these individual things, I may overlap with some people in some ways. So, for example, at the very beginning of my college career, I started sitting at the front because I was a tryhard. And up at the front were all of the other tryhards. And then gradually over time, as I started to fail my classes and stuff like that, I started to sit towards

the back because then I was ashamed and I didn't answer any of the questions and I tried to disappear into my seat most of the time I was in the class, right? And then towards like medical school, I sort of sat off to the side because I was just kind of like doing my own thing. I'll let the tryhards be in the front. I'll let the failures be in the back. And I'm just going to be like chilling like doing my own thing on the side. And then there were the side sitters that came and joined me and we got along great. Right. So there are these like shared personality characteristics, which you can see in an individual scenario. But it's not like all the side sitters are also like all the door peekers, right? Like there's, like, there's, like, there's.

all kinds of different, they're not the same people as the road rangers. And so while there are shared characteristics, essentially personality is the way that you respond to a particular scenario. And when we take all of the different ways that you respond or react or you're inclined to behave in a particular scenario, and we put them all together, that is the personality. That is the individual you. Okay. So then the question kind of becomes, okay, like where does the personality come from, right? So if these are all your individual reactions to particular scenarios, how does your mind know how to behave? What is your, where does your inclination come from? So this is where we're going to move to a little bit of Sanskrit, okay? So in, so the yogis

essentially came up with a handful of terms to understand the mind. Okay. So we talked about What is personality, right? So let's just run through what we're going to talk about today. So what is personality? Right? It is a constellation of reactions to scenarios. Right? It's the way that we interact with the world.

Uh-oh. I see a little bit of lagging. Okay. Next is, you know, what are the components? So like, where does personality come from? So then it kind of follows. that, you know, like our reactions to scenarios are going to be based on our experiences, right? So, for example, let's say I'm a front sitter.

So I walk into a classroom and I sit at the front. And then I make an observation that if you're in the front, you get called on a lot more. As a result, I get called on. I don't know the answer to a question. I feel stupid. And then what's going to happen is I've been shaped a little bit, right? I've been altered. I've had an experience that then makes me now sit in the back.

Right? So suddenly, like, in that moment, my personality has been shaped. Okay? So let's try to understand a little bit about what are the components of the mind. So how did the yogis sort of figure this out? The first thing that they noticed is that there's a part of the mind called the Munas. For those of you that have watched Dr. Kay's guide, you'll be very familiar with this. Okay.

So the Munas is the emotional mind. and is judgmental. So it's like reactive. Okay? So for example, do you like pineapple on pizza? Some people will say, yes, it's delicious. Some people will say it is disgusting. And it is a sin of the greatest magnitude.

But if you think a little bit about how you determine whether you like it or not is irrelevant. Let's think a little bit about how you decide which camp you're in. You take a bite of it and then some part of your being says, yes, this is amazing. or, oh, this is awful, right? Oysters are another good example of, like, some people are super into it. Some people are like, this is slimy and cold and overly salty, right? So the munas is essentially our reactive mind that also experiences emotions

because emotions are also reactive, right? So let's say that, you know, I walk into class one day and then someone asked me a question, they're like, hey, how did you sleep last night? And then, like, I notice everyone is looking at me and they're like grinning a little bit. And it's like, what on earth is going on? Right? So I feel a little bit embarrassed.

I don't understand what's happening logically, but my mind reacts to that scenario. I recognize that I'm the butt of the joke in some way. There's something weird going on, right? So I'm on my guard. I answer very carefully. So that sort of emotional response is like from the mana. So it's like reactive, it's sudden, it's quick. The next thing is our humkar or our ego or sense.

sense of self. Okay? So this is like our identity. This is not a reaction. It's not an emotion. It is a sense of self. It's also not logical or analytical. It's just I believe I am this, right? So it's like an ego. Generally speaking, the Ahamkar acts to protect you from things in the Manas. So when I'm feeling ashamed of myself, my ego or sense of identity will do something to actually alleviate that shame. And sometimes it can be kind of paradoxical, right? So I'll give you guys just a simple example of this. If I'm feeling like I'm a bad person, I'm ashamed of myself, the Ahamkar can actually tell me, yeah, you deserve that because you're nothing. You know, you don't deserve any love. So if I like tell myself that I don't deserve love, then I can't feel rejected because I never should

have gotten it in the first place. Even though paradoxically, it may seem like that is actually hurting you to determine your identity as someone who doesn't deserve love, if you really think about it, it's actually really good armor, right? So if it's a part of the natural order for you to not be loved by another human being, then life is far less painful because everything sort of makes sense. There's like no hope. You're just like insulated from it, right? You start to become numb.

So ego can be kind of bizarre. Next thing is a somska. So in the east, a constellation of somska. is our personality. So a samskar is sort of an impression in the mind that is recalled

in a particular scenario. So it's like activating programming. In Western psychology, the closest thing is a schema from the cognitive behavioral realm. So like, for example, you know, if I walk into the bathroom, like even if I've never been to that bathroom before, let's say I'm at a restaurant,

my mind knows how to operate the toilet in the bathroom, right? And how does my mind know that? It's because when it sees the bathroom, it recalls particular programming. It says, oh, we need to access bathroom.exe. But some scars are not just that simple. So they also get to be quite complex. So let's say that I'm in a relationship where my partner has cheated on me. And as a result of like my partner cheating on me, I start to become distrower.

trustful. And then when I start to get into the next relationship and my partner is 15 minutes late for a date, like cheating.exe or cheating paranoia.exe starts to activate. And so these like pent-up emotions from my past relationship start to project and come out as malware in my current relationship. Okay. And so that's another example of a sumscar. So we talk about somscars oftentimes as like negative things, but they don't necessarily have to be negative. They're just programming in the mind. Okay. So then if we think a little bit about personality, personality is a, uh-oh, Gigi. Okay, that's okay. We don't need it. So if we think about a little bit about programming in the mind, we got to the Sanskrit stuff, which is the important thing.

Okay. So if we think about programming in the mind, it's essentially like a collection of some scars. And then our collection of some scars is our personality, right? Because like when we respond to different things in different ways, whether I'm a front sitter or a back sitter depends on the sum scar of getting called on in class. So when I get called on in class, and I don't know the answer, that shame makes an impression in my mind, goes dormant in my mind, and then like sits around and then reactivates in particular scenarios. Okay. So the way that we form some scars is essentially by improper digestion. of experiences. So I'll give you guys just a simple. Let's use that example. Okay. So if I have,

so let's say I sit at the front of the classroom and I get called on by my teacher. And then like, I don't know the answer. So then I feel ashamed of myself. And then there's like two different options in that point, right? So I can sit and I can process the shame and I can kind of talk to my friends about it. I can talk to my parents about it, whatever. And if I have like a supportive of group and I share my feelings and I work through it, you know, like maybe my dad says something like, well, you know, like I understand that it was embarrassing for you. So you've got like two choices, right? You can either study harder and therefore be prepared and get called on or what you can do is retreat to the back of the class. You've got either of those two options. But even understanding

that you have those two options involves a certain amount of like processing and thinking about your situation. Okay. So most people as they go through life, don't really process and think through scenarios when they happen to them, right? Generally speaking, we're not like actively processing stuff day in and day out. If stuff happens to you in life, you're not like sitting there and like reflecting on it on a daily basis. You just kind of get up and live your day and you have an accumulation of experiences. As those experiences happen, they tend to go dormant, right? So let's say that the school scenario again.

So I get called on sitting in the front row. I feel ashamed of myself. and then I go home and I feel shame, right? I feel it kind of crappy. So what do I do? Do I sit there and think about it? Do I process it? No, I turn on a video game,

log on to some kind of social media or content, you know, consumption website. And my mind disappears into the void for like four hours. And then by then the shame is kind of like calm down some. It hasn't been processed. And then like I go to sleep. The next day I wake up, I go to class. And what do I feel as I walk into the classroom? that shame arises again and says, hey, go sit at the back.

And then suddenly that some scot is now controlling my behavior. Now I've made a shift in my personality and I go and sit at the back of the classroom. And then I feel a little bit relieved because, okay, now I won't be called on. It's like not a big deal. As I leave class that day, once again, I kind of remembered like, oh, maybe I could have, like, sat at the front. Maybe I should have read yesterday instead of playing video games. But, like, that kind of makes me feel guilty. I go home.

I'm feeling kind of guilty. It's not that big of a deal. Okay, let me just play games again. So I play games again. Now I don't feel even as prepared for school the next day. So the next day I go in, I kind of like go sit in the back. And then suddenly I've lost, right? It's like my personality has been altered.

The way that I've reacted to situations has been altered. I'm now starting to be controlled by some of these behaviors like shame and guilt and stuff like that. I'm starting to dig a hole for myself. and it's kind of like Gigi. Right? So the way that we actually live most of our life is the way that most people play video games. So I know that sounds kind of weird,

but like if you think about a competitive game, so once you calibrate, for example, to a particular MMR in a competitive game, let's call it Overwatch or Law or Dota or whatever, most people historically, if you look at most of the player base, they will stay at their particular skill for their entire lifespan.

Right? So like 1,500 MMR players will stay 1,500 MMRs. Like, if you go to, like, if you play a game of Dota, for example, I just play Dota, but this is true of Loll or Overwatch or Call of Duty or whatever.

If you have a particular MMR, there are people who will have thousands of hours played and, like, we'll still suck at the game, right? And if you kind of think about that, it's kind of surprising. Like, how can you play for thousands and thousands and thousands of hours and, like, still suck at the game and, like, not get better? And this is the other interesting thing is,

if you look at people who are at the top of, let's say you look at the challenger level in Lull or Immortal rank in Dota or whatever, right, or like Diamond Rank in Starcraft or Masters in Starcraft or whatever game you want to, a lot of times they don't, they haven't played more than like people who are 5,000 MMR below them, right? There does not appear to be, thank you, hon. There does not appear to be a correlation between how many hours you play and how good you are at the game. So you can be a professional player, right? So like, for example, Team Spirit 1 TI last year. And I don't know how many hours they've played Dota, but I can guarantee you that there are people who are 2,000 MMR who have played the same number of hours of Dota. So what this sort of

implies is actually something that's quite staggering, which is that most of like when we play video games, we don't think about the game afterward, right? So how do we stay low MMR despite thousands of hours of play. It's because we're like robots. So I play a game. I like pick a random hero. I don't really like think about the game after. I don't watch my own replays. I don't like process or like, you know, think about what I'm doing critically. I just queue up for the next game. I'm just kind of like on autopilot. And as a result, like, I don't actually get better, right? So I'm not going to improve my personality at Dota. The way that I react to scenarios in the game does not change because I'm not thinking about them afterward. So if I'm not.

lose my lane, I'm just going to go and TP there three times and just continue to feed. I'm not going to make any adjustments because I haven't been critical about the way that I played the game. And it actually happens to be exactly the same way in real life, right? So as I go through negative experiences, I don't actually process or think critically about how I'm, like, what's going on here, right? I just sort of like autopilot it. And so I stay the same damn MMR, we start to think about personality is static. And then we like just live our lives with this personality. Right. So then we assign labels to ourselves. We say, I'm lazy. I'm not a morning person. Right. I just can't do that. I can't handle parties. I'm like, I'm just not like, I am not like that.

And so you start to define things about yourself, which then start to doom you, right? Because now like, if you're lazy, like, G.G. Noob, like, what can you do? You can try to biohack your way to whatever you want to, but like laziness plus all these, and this is why the biohacking, life hacking industry is so big. It's because people assign themselves with a personality attribute that is static. And then like since that's unchangeable, I need to use some kind of like broken OP technique to bypass my core personality. Right? That's like, that's why this industry is so big. It's because you don't need to change.

You just need to take this herbal supplement and your life will transform. Right? So then the question becomes, but like, can we gain MMR in a game of Dota in the game of Dota? And the answer is absolutely, yes, we can gain MMR, right? We can think about what we do. We can reflect on what we can do. We can start to be intentional about how we behave, how we react to experiences. How we react to experience. How we react and process and digest experiences will result in MMR gains, right? So if I lose my lane, I go watch. the replay and I realized, okay, this is a scenario where I did A and I should have done B. So if I learn from that mistake, then my MMR will increase a little bit. And the interesting thing is that is absolutely true in real life. So the first group of people who did this were the yogis. I mean, maybe there were other people. I don't know the ancient history of Africa, for example. So there may have been people who predated the yogis there. But generally speaking, you know, yoga is about 5 to 6,000 years old. So like, you know, 3,000, 4,000 B.

BC or BCE, you know, like people were figuring this out. And essentially what, even now we sort of get this, right? We have a class of people like monks or yogis who we sort of assume we're like in control of their crap, right? They're able to like wake up at 4 a.m. every day and like meditate for three hours and like do yoga. They're able to like not be tempted by sexual desires, not be tempted or be able to resist their sexual desires, be able to resist dietary desires, be like be like, be like, be like, non-monetary, things like that. So we have yogis out there who are like capable of controlling all this crap. And we look at them and we're like, you know, that person does that because they're a monk, right? That's their job.

But if you really think about it, now the way that they react to scenarios is transformed drastically. Because you had someone who used to react this way, this way, this way, this way. And now the way they react to all of those scenarios has changed a lot. So essentially what they've done is altered their person. Right? They literally change the way that they react to scenarios. Therefore, that becomes a personality alteration. And so then if we kind of stop and think about it for a second, like there's a way they did that, right? They consistently do that. This is a profession that consistently trains people to alter the way they react to scenarios. So this is like a group of super high MMR people, right? This is like an in-house league that only has immortal players. So what I want to share with you all today is essentially like how to do that, right?

And it turns out to be actually relatively simple. So if you want to start shaping your personality, instead of focusing on what you do, right? So this is what everyone focuses on. They focus on the behavior. They're like, how do I wake up early in the morning? How do I study more? How do I do this? This is my problem.

This is my problem. This is my problem. They're always focused on the problem and looking forward. Instead, what you need to do is look at it. your reactions to things. Right? So if I lose a game of Dota, I'm thinking, how do I win the next game? What should I pick?

And you guys may have fallen into this trap where you get crushed by a particular hero. You're like, that hero is so frigging OPE. I'm going to pick that hero. I'm going to win the game. It's going to be easy. I'm always looking forward. How do I fix this problem? How do I fix this?

Our entire society is like based on fixing problems, right? Oh, we've got this thing that will help you fix your problem. We've got this biohack here. You know, we're trying to fix this. We're trying to fix this. It's always moving forward. how do we increase quarterly profits? How do we sign bigger deals?

How do we have more customers? How do I get a raise? How do I get promoted? It's always like looking forward how to do better, better, better, better, better, better. So what we don't look at is the way we react to things. And this is how we get stuck, right? So what happens in a game of Dota if I get crushed by a particular hero? And I pick that hero because that hero's OPE.

I lose. Right? And then, but hold on a second, but like that hero is so OPE. Right? So I need to be less lazy. I need to start drinking this supplement. And then my life will transform. You're always looking forward. And so your personality doesn't shape. It doesn't change. Because how is personality shaped? Personality is not shaped by what you do. It's shaped by how you react to particular scenarios. It is your default response to things. And if you can change your default response to things, your life will transform. I kid you not. Let's go back to the, the, the, person who sits at the front of the classroom answers a question in a particular way. They get the question wrong. They feel ashamed of themselves.

And remember, there's two options, right? So on the one hand, I can, so okay, screw this. I'm going to avoid the scenario. I'm going to sit at the back. Option number one. Or, wow, like this really felt bad. I feel ashamed of myself.

How am I going to react to that? I'm actually going to make sure I study tomorrow. I'm going to study tonight so that tomorrow, whenever I get asked a question, I'm going to be ready for it. And if you think about these two people, you say that these two people have different personalities. I wish I had that other personality. I wish when life, you know, when I lost a game of Dota, I learned from my mistake and went

into the next game like prepared to do even better. I wish that when I did poorly in life when I got dumped by a boyfriend or girlfriend, that I reacted stronger so that I would be like a stronger human being instead of resentful in my next relationship, right? This is what we wish. And what we all focus on is how do I be? healthier in my next relationship. How do I find a successful relationship? This is the other problem that we run into with relationships is that when we have a bad relationship, we go and look for

the perfect partner, right? We look for a partner who will like be less this way and more this way. And so you end up with online dating profiles where everyone is looking for like the perfect thing. They're like, oh, now I have access to the internet, which has like 100,000 people on it. So let me list out all of my requirements. And as long as I find the right person, I'm looking for Mr. Wright. I'm looking for Mrs. Wright. All the good ones are taken. They're not available anymore. What I want is not available. It's out of stock. But instead, what they should be doing is if this particular person, if this relationship didn't go well, what was my contribution to it? And this is why people like, it's so hard to date online right now is because people have stopped being like self-reflective.

Like people are just like, instead of changing myself at all, what I'm looking for is like some weird, you know, Frankenstein's monster or chimera of like different pieces of things that is assembled into the perfect human that I want. And I'm looking for that thing. And then like the problem is that you may have found that thing, but that thing may not want to date you. Because have you done any kind of self-reflection? And so if we want to shape our personality, it's not about fixing the problem. It's about looking at how we react to particular scenarios. Because that's the training of a monk. The core training of a monk is to look at their reactions to things. It's to eat something that they find tasty or not tasty and study your reaction to a particular thing.

As you process that reaction, as you work through that reaction, you will be free of that personality change. Now, there is an overwhelming amount of evidence that this is successful. Forget about monks for a second. Let's go to actual, let's go back to science. So the practice of clinical psychotherapy is essentially a form of. process of this. Okay? So when someone comes in to my office with a personality disorder, this is an aspect of their personality, which through helping them change the way that they react and study the way that they react, I can actually like help them over the course of a year or two

no longer become narcissistic. And if you think about that, like, how on earth does that work? And what literally happens is someone will come in and they'll say, you know, Christmas was a mess. And I'll say, what happened? Well, like someone like didn't like, They invited me, but, like, they didn't even think to ask me about my dietary restrictions. And I'm kind of confused. I'm like, okay, well, like, you know, they're your parents. Don't they know your dietary restrictions? Like, why would they need to ask you about them?

They're like, well, I decided to go vegan three months ago, and they, like, didn't ask about that. It's like, okay, so your parents are 72. You're 41. And you're upset because your parents didn't think to ask about dietary restrictions, right? Like, I'm confused. but that's what the narcissistic person thinks. They're like, I've made such a big change, you know, and they didn't even think to ask about it.

And so I went there and there was like no vegan food. And so, you know, I'm kind of confused. But like this is the mind of a narcissistic person. So as we sit there and we sort of think a little bit about, okay, so like what's your expectation? Right? Like what do you think they should do? Like at what interval should they ask you if you've made dietary restrictions?

Right. And as you start to like ask these kinds of questions, it's quickly becomes. absurd that, you know, your parents are going to ask you, like, what, once every three months, once a year? By the way, have you decided to go vegan? Like, you know, people don't do that. But in the mind of a narcissistic person, they don't sort of realize that, right? So, like, their reaction to this scenario is to feel hurt. And this, in turn, has to do with their Ahamqad and prior somsars. Because, remember, narcissism itself is a consequence of somskares in Ahamakot.

So this person wasn't born narcissistic. They became narcissistic that way. So somewhere along the way, people either neglected their needs or they had a parent who was narcissistic. So, like, the parent was, like, always blaming other people for, like, not asking them questions or whatever. So you can start to, like, look at how that reaction formed. So in clinical psychotherapy, what you essentially do is show people how they react to scenarios. And as you focus on how you react to a scenario, you start to alter your own perceptions. you start to alter your personality, literally, and then you start to change the way that you behave.

It becomes automatic, right? So, and this is the kind of thing. If you guys have played video games, you understand this. Like, if I do replay analysis of my own thing and I make a conclusion, right, I realize, oh, I should have done this, I should have done this. The next time I go into a game, that learning is going to be like operating in the background and is going to automatically shape my behavior, right? It's like if I decide, oh, I didn't buy enough regent and lane.

and it's like, oh, crap. So the next time, like, I just go into the game, I buy more regent. I walk into the lane. And then, like, the problem has solved itself. It's like, and this is the most shocking thing that I think people don't realize. Everyone thinks fixing problems is hard. And it's like, yes, fixing problems is hard. But what's way easier is actually fixing yourself.

And then the problems downstream become, like, easy to solve because you yourself have changed. Your default mode of operation has changed. Your personality has changed. So how do you do that? It comes down to studying your reactions. This is the biggest issue is we're so focused on fixing the problem that we're not looking at how we react to things. So I know it sounds kind of like super simple, but focus on your reactions. So in a particular situation, this is like, you know, we're going to teach all about meditation, right? So consider a scenario and like when you go into the scenario, just notice yourself, okay? I want you to pay attention to your heartbeat, pay attention to your pulse. Pay attention to your, you know, your breathing rate, whether you're sweating, whether you're relaxed, whether you're like, you know, whatever is going on. Just pay attention to yourself and notice what your mind or your body is telling you, right? So it's saying don't sit at the front, don't sit at the front, don't sit at the front. So the first step is to notice something, okay?

The next step is to play the tape through to the end. So as you sit down and you kind of think about it, I want you to like, this is tricky because fears don't. live up under scrutiny. Okay? So the way that you kind of like overcome this is like if your mind is telling you like, okay, if we sit at the front, don't sit at the front. Front is bad. That's going to be an instinctive reaction. It comes from the munis. Okay. You're going to sit at the front. And so instead your mind is like, okay, let's go sit at the back. And so play the tape through to the end. So ask yourself, what will happen if I sit in the front? And then your mind will be like, we don't want to get called on. And then, you know, like, you'll think, okay, so like what will happen if we get called on?

well, we're not going to know the answer. Well, hold on a second. Like, we may know the answer, right? We may know the answer. We may not know the answer. But in our mind, that fear assumes that we don't know the answer. So it's kind of like bizarre, right? So, like, now we're being shaped by a possibility.

It's not even a probability. Like, there's eight people in the front row. The teacher asked us yesterday. There's actually a decent chance we won't get asked at all. So play the tape through the end. Okay, if we get asked the question, maybe we know the answer. Maybe we don't know the answer. Okay, what's the consequence?

consequence of not knowing the answer. Well, I'm going to feel stupid. Are you going to get a bad grade? No. Well, I'm going to feel dumb. Okay. So what? Well, I don't like to feel dumb. Okay. So, like, are you willing to, like, give it a shot? Like, let's just see what happens. Let's like see. Just pay attention. And so, like, when you combat that fear, like, at the end of the day, you're going to kind of hit up that fear of like, I don't want to feel dumb. And now you're, you're just, you know, you've got two options. So if, I know it sounds kind of bizarre, but even doing this amount of study may be enough for you to sit at the front of the classroom. And if you do get called on and you don't know the answer, notice your reaction to that. And just tell yourself, okay, this is an experiment that like, we're going to sit at the front. We're going to see what happens. This is not a game that I'm trying to win. This is a game that I'm trying to learn, right? Which is how do you climb MMR? You play games not to win necessarily. You play games sometimes to learn. Like, I'm going to try this thing with intentionality. I'm going to try to buy more regent and lane, and I'm going to

see what happens. Right? So whether you win the game or you lose the game, suddenly you've created some degree of detachment from the outcome of the game, because you know going in that this could be rough. But you're going to learn a lot more, and you'll actually shape a somscar, and you'll alter your personality as a result. You'll learn, right? And so even if that happens, I would say that, you know, 85% chance in this scenario that your worst fears are not realized. Like, I know it's kind of a completely arbitrary percentage. But generally speaking, the fears that we have in our mind are not realized if we behave with intention. What we realize is that like our fears are way worse in our mind than usually what reality is. And so even if we do get called on,

then just like notice your reaction, you'll be amazed that like what you sort of realize is like actually doesn't affect my grade. In fact, now that I feel stupid, like, I, I, I, I feel either like distracting myself or studying. So now I've got a choice. Do I want to distract myself or do I want to study? Well, I actually kind of want to study. Like I want to feel good tomorrow. When I sit in the class, I want to feel good about like being prepared to answer questions.

Right. And so like it's kind of bizarre, but that's like literally how you change your personality. By studying the reaction, you will naturally start gravitating towards the right thing. Because here's the thing. Sitting at the back of the class is actually a strategy to feel good about yourself. right? So like this is the big thing about, you know, altering your personality is that through studying your own reactions, which you can do is essentially feel the same way, but in a more successful manner. So if the goal is to feel good about myself, because that's why I'm sitting in

the back of the class, right, I don't want to feel bad about myself. If I one day make the discovery, and this is done through studying your reactions, that I can sit at the front of the classroom and feel even better than what I could if I sat at the back of the classroom. If I'm prepared for class and I know the right answer. It feels amazing. It actually feels better than sitting at the back of the classroom. Then suddenly what I've done is I've changed something very important because all of our avoidance strategies are there to help us, right? They're there to help us avoid pain and feel good about ourselves. But if I suddenly have a strategy that allows me to feel good about myself and even feel better than sitting at the back of the classroom,

then I'm going to actually start picking that strategy. And I know it sounds kind of weird, but I'm going to start studying more. I'm going to start preparing for class. And once you make that shift, things become way easier in your life. Because not only do you feel better about yourself, but you are starting to be objectively more successful because you're making better decisions. And so shaping your personality ultimately comes down to understanding your reactions to things and playing the tape through to the end. And studying as you make an intentional change in the world, studying how your reaction

changes. And as you keep doing this over and over and over again, whether it be the narcissistic person in psychotherapy, who's sort of like studying their reaction, playing the tape through, what does it truly mean? Okay, like, how would it feel to tell people that you're vegan next time? Oh, it actually feels totally fine. Oh, it's actually easier than like not telling them and then throwing a fit afterward. And so essentially what happens with narcissistic people is they discover that not being narcissistic is actually the more winning strategy. So they stop being narcissistic once they sort of internalize and truly realize that this is not working well, right? And so in that same way, if you want to shape your personality, don't focus on fixing the problem,

focus on studying your reaction, and then playing the tape through to the end. And then your third step is going to be implementing an intentional experiment where you're like watching your reaction to that thing. And as you start doing this, I guarantee you your MMR in real life will start to climb. Questions? Someone's asking, does DBT work for narcissism? I'm going to go ahead and say, sure. So I think that DBT involves a component of mindfulness, right,

which is rooted in meditation and the yogic tradition. And the yogic tradition was like a cure for narcissism. So you're going to get some diluting effects because DBT is specifically focused on BPD. So the mindfulness practices are like, you know, geared towards BPD. as opposed to narcissism, but there are some good effects. So I have a different like meditation regimen for narcissism than DBT. Okay. So there's good questions here. The first is how do I change things I can't control like impulsive emotions? So nowhere have I said that you should change your behavior, right? So you don't need to control impulsive emotions.

What you need to do is pay attention to your reactions. So once I have an impulsive emotion, there is going to be a reaction that results in a behavior. Like, you can't control the emotion. That's the whole point of like understanding the monas, is that you can't control the monas. Like, you can't control whether you like pineapple on pizza or you don't like pineapple on pizza. So your initial response to things is not something that you can control. What you can adjust is your reactivity to that initial thing. So when I walk into the room, if I have a somscar that makes me feel like an idiot every time I walk into a class, I cannot control that sumscar.

The sumscar, the programming will activate, right? I'll walk into the classroom. I'll feel like an idiot. What I can control, though, is the way that I react to that stimulus. So I can pay attention. I can take a deep breath. I can engage in physiology. Right?

So check out breath and mind and Dr. Kay's guide if you guys haven't. So you can like take a deep breath and you can say, okay, we're going to sit at the front. It's going to be terrifying. So be it. Let me go and sit at the front. Terror, here we come. and then you can't control the terror. Like you're going to feel terror as you sit down in the front seat.

You're going to be like sweating. Okay, we're going to breathe. We're going to breathe. And then you're going to realize, oh, my God, I've survived. I did it. Success. Good job. So you can control the way that you react to things, but not your initial thing.

Not your initial response to something. Okay? Can you back up your claims with science? Yeah. So like, this is kind of interesting, right? So, like, I mean, these things are so, so like, you can look at the clinical efficacy of any paper on DBT and borderline personality disorder, right? Like, if you want to see the clinical, like the scientific response to this. You can also look at things like MBT and BPD or narcissism.

So there's like tons of research out there about psychotherapy for personality disorders, which shows that it's effective. There's tons of research out there about, you know, five-factor model. So I would start with like, honestly, just Wikipedia and just like look at some of the references for the five-factor model. All right. And then if you actually go and you talk to someone who like studies five-factor model, like, and you ask them, based on five-factor, can you predict how an individual will respond in a scenario? They will say, no, I cannot. They can give you a general idea that these kinds of people are more likely to respond this way. So this is like super fundamental stuff.

Yeah. I think it's in the, in the, where my wallet is. Okay. How much does this help getting past mental disabilities? I'm not quite sure. So generally speaking, I think this is independent of mental disabilities. So like, I don't think it's mental disabilities apply at all unless your disability has something to do with your ability to observe yourself.

So the key thing here is that you need to be able to observe your reaction to things. And if you have difficulty doing that, like, that may be a slow road to climb, right? So a good example of this is if you have very, very high emotional reactivity, you may not be able to do this, studying your reaction to things, like, very easily. So you may just have to start with, like, smaller things, right? So you need to grind on weak mobs before you start to tackle the bigger stuff. Doesn't being critical to oneself breathe anxiety? sure. So there's a key thing. I'm not saying be critical, right? So critical is a judgment. We're not talking about being critical. We're talking about observation. So, and you're correct,

that being critical breeds anxiety because like then you're beating yourself up and you feel bad about yourself and you're worried. But observation actually breeds the opposite, right? So critical is to, being critical is to make a judgment, is to like conclude something. But an observation is not making a conclusion, it's just making an observation. We're actually super hands-off. We're just going to see what happens. And so by adopting that non-judgmental error, we actually reduce anxiety. So you are correct that being critical can breed anxiety, but we're not being critical. We're being observational. We're studying our reaction, right? So it's actually very different. And this is a really good question because oftentimes when we are self-reflective, we default to a critical mode.

Right? When I study myself, all I can see is criticisms. I'm not truly observational. I'm very harshly self-judgmental. That too is part of a humkod and a somskaar. Because I've decided somewhere along the way that I'm someone who like isn't perfect. And I can always be better. I can always be better. I can always be better. And if that is your identity of never being satisfied, never being perfect and never being enough, then any kind of reaction that you have to yourself, which you're not even aware of, it becomes. so automatic, right? Because then you're beating yourself up. It's like simple. It happens like that. Oh, I could have done this better. I could have done this. I'm so stupid. This person is better than I. That person is better. That's not studying yourself. It's being self-critical. That's the activation of the sum-scar. It's not actually like observing the sum-scar. It's within the sum-scar if that makes sense. So like the right thing to do if you're hypercritical is to observe yourself and just ask yourself, why am I being so critical of myself here? Where do I get the idea that like I, I, you know, I, everyone is better than me.

Like, where does that come from? So, like, play the tape through to the end. Like, ask yourself why, why, why, why? Until you'll get to something at the, you know, at the bottom. And this is the kind of thing that, you know, if you work with a therapist or coach or something like that, like they will help you get there faster. Therapists aren't really trained in this model, but they do the same work. Okay.

Okay. Okay, so this is a great question. So y'all are asking good questions that are sort of missing the point. how do we trust that our analysis of our reactions is correct? Great question. So remember, the first step is not your analysis of your reaction, but is the observation of the reaction? And is the observation of the reaction if done with that, like, properly, right? So just observe. So like, you know, how do you know if your observation is correct? It just is an observation. The analysis is what comes afterward, right? So like, science doesn't lie, but interpretations, are very critical. So you're correct that analysis needs to be done at some point, but make sure that you understand clearly that the first step is just data collection, is just observe your reaction, notice your reaction. As you play the tape through to the end, you know, be aware. So here's like one tip, which is how emotional or numb do you feel. If you feel calm when you are doing your analysis,

then it is likely that your analysis is more correct. If you feel emotional, it is unlikely that your analysis will be correct. Here's another tricky thing. Here's the thing that trips everyone up. If you feel numb when you do your analysis, it is unlikely to be correct. So numbness is a sign of like a high level of emotion that is present, but is suppressed. So it'll be shaping your analysis quite heavily. This is the big problem that people run into when they think they are hyperlogical is that they're not like, it's not like their limbic system, their emotional cortex of their brain is like non-functional. Right? It's just being suppressed, but it's still shaping their thoughts. So the key thing to understand about analysis is you want your mind to be calm and balanced, which is what tends to happen when you guys watch our interviews and stuff when people have this like emotional catharsis. There's a high level of emotion which we then process, right? We decompress it. We don't numb it out. And then afterward people are left in a space of mind where they like have a realization. And so then you know your analysis is correct. Can you lose some scars the schemas due to a stressful and immense?

have in mind PTSD? Absolutely, right? So PTSD is actually the one diagnosis in the West that perfectly overlaps with the Eastern concept of the mind. So this is true, right? So the mind works in one way. And so I think good evidence that this is correct is that the Western path of exploration discovered PTSD. The Eastern path of exploration essentially discovered the same thing. So you have two independent investigators that are arriving at the same conclusion. So what is PTSD? I have a particular event that happens, which has a powerful impact on me, which does not get processed or digested, and then sits in my mind and then arises in particular scenarios, right? This is why people have flashbacks. They have nightmares. They have hypervigilance when they have PTSD. Their mind

is constantly on the lookout for like the source of danger. So now our personality has almost altered, the way that we react to scenarios has changed. And so that's what PTSD is. And the good news is that there are treatments for PTSD, right? You can do psychotherapy, which is literally the process of like bringing up some of these things and emotionally digesting them. And then you can no longer have PTSD. You can be cured of it.

So PTSD is actually a really, really good example of the fact that some scars can be cleansed. And if you look at that in the yogic process, right? So like that's a big part of it. So as people, you know, go and do spiritual study and stuff, like all this kind of stuff comes up. So for me, for example, like, I originally went to, you know, India to become a monk out of ego. Because I sucked at real life. I was super low MMR. And I was like, oh, cool.

Like, instead of sucking at this game, I'm going to go play this game. And then, like, I'm going to tell everyone that my game is better than their game. So the way that I'm going to feel better about myself is to become a monk. and then all these materialistic nubes that get better grades than I do, I'm going to be better than them because my game is more important than their game.

Law is for nobs and Dota is for experts. So I'm going to get good at Dota because I suck at Law. And then I'm going to lord it over all the lawlobs for playing law. Law, law, law, right? So that's what happened in my mind. And as I went through this process,

I uncovered that. I was like, holy crap. This is all ego. Like, the reason I'm becoming a monk is out of ego. It's like the fundamentally, like, wrong decision. So you can sort of, discover that your somers are like there through spiritual practice and then you can go through the

process of digesting them. So as I realized this, I was like, oh, crap, like I suck at life. So that's when I decided like, okay, so using a calm and collected mind, I was like, if I become a monk to run away from my problems, that will be running away. So instead, what I need to do to really become a monk is I need to stop pretending to be a monk, go and succeed in the real world. So I have to go back and like I need to be the best damn student that ever could be because that's where I suck. So I have to like focus on the things that I'm bad at. So I ended up going back and like still lazy, right? So, but the way that I reacted to things changed. The way that I like approached school changed. My personality changed. Whereas I used to run away from things that I started like embracing

them, right? I understood it was going to be hard. I didn't get a 4.0. I didn't like come back, transform. That's the other thing is people like assume you come back and you're like transformed. suddenly you're getting 4.0. No. Like my first semester back, I got like a 3.0. 3.2, 3.4. Every semester got a little bit better, a little bit better, a little bit better, graduated with a 2.5. So be it. Right? I'm not going to let, like, I noticed, oh, well, like, this sucks. Okay. So like, I'm going to acknowledge that it sucks. I'm going to notice my reaction, and I'm going to take the right steps forward, irrespective of how I feel. And that's when your personality changes, right? So then I got into medical school at Tufts. did that for a while.

You know, notice some ego at the beginning of that. And I was like, okay, I need a step aside from that. Just going to focus on doing what I need to do. Notice my reactions to things. Decide how much I'm going to study. Ironically, I didn't like try to be the best in my class because I was like, that's ego. I'm here to learn medicine. So I'm going to study what I'm capable of.

Okay, I can't study for eight hours a day. So I can study for like two, three hours a day. That's the most I'm capable of. And instead of sort of assuming that that means, oh, God, I'm going to fail. It's like, okay, let's see what happens. Let's observe what happens. If I can study for two hours a day, can I optimize that studying for two hours and can it be enough? Can I pass?

Turns out I can do way better than pass. Right? So then it's bizarre, like using that kind of strategy ending up with like an award of academic achievement at the end of medical school. And so first academic achievement award I've gotten after a string of like C's and Ds and Fs and crap like that. Right? So just focus on your reactions, understand yourself, and then you will naturally start to move in the right direction. And you can absolutely alter PTSD and you can absolutely alter, like, you can alter it. Right.

That's the whole point to this lecture is that that which you assume you are can be changed. And the way to change it is to understand your reactions. Because your reactions and how you process that individual moment is going to form how you behave. tomorrow. So pay attention to your reactions. I'm going to give you all one last story about this. So I had a patient who whose mom was in an abusive relationship. So mom and dad was abusive. Mom and dad divorce. Mom is a way to process all of these like different. emotional things, started going to church and then became like hyper-religious. So like her entire personality, like changed over the course of like five to seven years. And then my patient

had all kinds of problems because mom would like pressure them to go to church all the time. Because for mom, church was like there for her and was her source of like comfort and safety and salvation when she was going through a really, really hard time. And so then suddenly like for mom, the world became a dangerous place. There are people out there who don't have morals who will do to you what your dad did to me. But in the church, I found safety. And so she became super paranoid for her daughter. And was like, you need to go to church.

Like, don't date anyone outside of church. You need to go to church. Like, church is the only safe place. Right? That's basically like what her mom kind of like, she didn't realize that, like, consciously. But that's what through therapy we sort of uncovered. And once, like, daughter understood this, she was like, okay. Like, this was the way that my mom survived this experience.

This is how she's changed and shaped. Like, she's been altered by this. And church was, like, kind of there for her, right? So that's an example of a powerful sumscar forming. And as a result, a personality change. And then, like, that personality views the rest of the world is dangerous, except there's one safe space. And so, of course, she's going to push her daughter to, like, be in that safe space because she doesn't want her daughter to ever end up in a relationship like she had.

And so once daughter understood that, once she understood where she's coming from, like, that started to, like, she started to get a lot better. She understood, you know, why her mom was so pushy for church. She was able to set boundaries with her mom in a much healthier way now that she understood everything. And then her own reactions towards her mom started to change. Her own reactions towards church and, like, not church and things like that started to change. So personality can absolutely be altered. It comes from understanding your reaction. Okay.