HealthyGamerGG - How To Get A Girlfriend

Episode Date: November 27, 2024

Tackling subjects like identity, cognitive restructuring and Alexithymia; in today's episode, Dr. K discusses one of your most asked questions- what does it actually take to get a girlfriend? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Either they focus on all the external stuff. I'm going to learn how to flirt. I'm going to become a pickup artist. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to make more money. And they're going to look at it. I say, I did all these things. Where's the girlfriend?

I'm confused. Someone told me that if I do these three things, I got my career. Now I make $100,000 a day. I mean, a year. That would be great. I was told that the girlfriend would appear. If I invoke this demonic summoning circle

and put in the career and this and this, then the girlfriend will be like, what happened? A lot of people wonder, can a psychiatrist help you find a girlfriend? The answer is yes. And today, we're going to tell you how. So this video could get me in trouble with some of my colleagues because when I was training

in residency, I was a second year psychiatry resident. And we had a awesome set of lectures on psychotherapy. And what it means to be a psychotherapist and how to do psychotherapy in the right way. And these were taught by some really brilliant people, really amazing teachers, and I'm grateful to them for a lot of stuff. There are some things, though, that even as a student, kind of rubbed me the wrong way. And we got this question. So one of our professors actually asked us this question directly.

So I had a group of about 15 residents sitting in a conference room and we were learning about psychotherapy. And they asked us, so if a patient walks into your office and asks you, can you help me find a girlfriend? This question was exactly the same. What is the right answer? And so stupid me and some of us, right? So I was like, yeah, the answer is like, yeah, we could help with that. And the professor was like, no, that's not entirely correct. The right answer is, why do you want a girlfriend?

What makes a girlfriend important to you? What makes it hard for you to find a girlfriend? And those are all useful questions. Don't get me wrong. But one of the reasons that I started this channel is because I felt like there was a lot of reluctance on the part of mental health professionals to take responsibility for important outcomes in their patient's lives. Right.

So as a profession, and they're like good reasons for this. I don't think that this is wrong, right? because we as therapists and psychiatrists can't change your life for you. You have to change your life yourself. And at the same time, I think that attitude has sometimes led some therapists and psychiatrists to be very not outcomes focused. So they're kind of like, you know, this is the joy of the nebulousness of therapy. And like we're in this thing together.

And there's transference and countertransference. And like what happens in the real world doesn't matter. And it's like really about the relationship. And like, we can do this for years. So, you know, I had a psychoanalytic supervisor who was great and taught me a lot of wonderful things. But one day they were telling me that, you know, after three years of psychoanalysis, which is four times a week, by the way, their patient made a breakthrough. And then I was wondering, like, what were you doing for the first two and a half years? Like, do we really need to go that slow?

So when I work with patients who come in and sometimes they're red pillars, black pillars, what have you, in cells, right? I'm lucky enough to have worked with some of these people. and one of their primary goals is just finding a girlfriend. When people hear about our coaching program, their first response is usually, why would I work with another human being when I can watch YouTube videos all on my own? Working with a coach is about amplifying your time and effort.

We're great at wanting things and even making some progress, but we usually struggle with follow through or have some kind of setback. And that's exactly why working with a coach can help you accomplish particular things in a fixed amount of time. They'll help you set appropriate goals, keep you accountable towards that progress, and ultimately even work through the setbacks that you will inevitably face. So check out the link in the description below to see if coaching is right for you.

So this is what I would call step zero. So before we even help you find a girlfriend, the first thing that we do, one of the most important things that a medical professional does is diagnosis. So a lot of people think that, you know, doctors are about treating things, right? So if I've got COVID or if I've got cancer, the reason I go to a doctor is, treatment. But I would say honestly, 50% or more of our job is not treatment, it's diagnosis. And this is the biggest mistake that a lot of people who are single make. So if you're single in the world today and you think to myself, how do I solve this problem? You go looking for

solutions. You'll look at like dating Instagrams. You'll start watching these TikToks. You may sign up with a coach. You may like, you start solving the problem, right? Like, duh, I have a problem. I'm single. What do we do with problems? We solve them. That is actually the biggest mistake that most people make. Because the first thing that you want to do if you have a problem is diagnose the problem. The question is, why don't you have a girlfriend? What makes it hard for you to have a girlfriend? What are the barriers or challenges that you face? And this is why a lot of solutions don't work, right? So people will say, I tried this. It didn't work. I tried this. It didn't work. So I want you all to think about this for a moment. If a patient comes in and says, I'm

I'm sick. And I'm like, no problem, bro. I've got treatments for you. Let's put an IV in your arm. Give you some chemotherapy. And you're like, oh, that didn't work. It's like causing me to have diarrhea and all my hair is falling out. I was like, no problem, bro.

I've got something else. Last time we didn't do enough. Now we're going to put a large bore IV in. We're going to give you a port. We're going to dialize you, baby. Dialysis, let's go. This is more powerful treatment. It'll definitely help you.

It's more powerful. but turns out that you don't have kidney failure so dialysis doesn't work. Oh, no problem. Let me give you antibiotics. But if you don't have an infection, those don't work. So the biggest mistake that I think a lot of people make when trying to find a girlfriend is they don't accurately diagnose their problems. Now, you may say to yourself, but Dr. Kay, I know my life.

I know what's wrong. The problem is that I'm ugly, the problem that I'm this, then that is this. But those are the problems that your mind has come up with. So we are not trained thinkers. I want you all to really think about this for a moment, okay? So if we look at human beings, we have a brain, we have a mind, we have a body, and the human beings who are really good at stuff get formal training in that stuff. So I have two hands, but that doesn't make me an artist.

I can draw some crap, but it's going to be crappy because I don't train to be an artist. I don't train to be a musician. The people who train to be musicians, the people who train to be athletes, the people who train their bodies in a very critical and specific way are the ones who become exceptional. at using them. What is our training for thinking and using our mind? Very little, right? So we may learn some sort of mental training, but it's not training on the mind. It's training in a subject. So we may become an engineer or we may become a doctor. And so one of the cool things that we get formally trained in. And this is something that Daniel Conneman got a Nobel Prize in economics for

because he learned that human beings are not good at thinking. And so we get formally trained in critical thinking. And being a philosophy major doesn't count. There's a different way that we sort of do this. We go through this process of differential diagnosis. Philosophy major may get you halfway there. So even though you may have some idea of why you're single, this is another really wild concept. If you're single and you think you know what the problem is, there's a very high percentage chance that you are wrong. So that may sound really weird, but let's understand this as well. If you have a diagnosis of a problem, what we know about human beings is that, is that that they're usually pretty good at fixing problems.

Like if you know, oh, my God, my glass of water spilled, what do you do? You pick up the glass of water and you mop up the spill. Very simple. When human beings accurately know what the problem is, they're very good at fixing it. The number one reason why problems persist is because they have made a diagnostic error, not a treatment error. So let's think about this in medicine. So if you try one treatment and it fails and if you try another treatment of fails,

and if you try a third treatment and it fails, and a fourth treatment and it fails, what do you think the problem is? Do you think the problem is in the treatment? Maybe if you have a very aggressive illness, fair enough. But most of the reasons why six treatments fail in the patient is because of a diagnostic problem. And we hear these horror stories, right? Oh, so the doctor thought that it was nothing. The doctor thought it was anxiety.

Turns out, I've got a tumor. Misdiagnosis leads to bad treatment, bad treatment, bad treatment, bad treatment. So this is where even Carl Jung talked about this in terms of the shadow. And he sort of talked about the parts of ourselves that we ignore are where all of our problems arise from. So even though a lot of people may think they know what the problem is in terms of why they don't have a girlfriend, in my overwhelming clinical experience, and this is true of other dimensions of life as well, it's probably a diagnostic problem. So the first thing that a therapist will do is really sit down with you and critically look at all of the things that you think are wrong

and may even help you understand other things that you didn't realize existed. And this is what we know from psychiatry, right? Because most people who come into therapy are not psychiatrists. Most of y'all have not been trained on things like attachment issues. Most of you don't realize that what's actually going on is a trauma response. Most of you don't realize that your self-esteem is actually fear of being noticed, right? So this is like, oh, I feel really, really, oh, I have low self-esteem and that's my problem. Well, what happens when someone compliments you?

It makes me really uncomfortable. Well, do you want high self-esteem? Yeah, I'm tired of having low self-esteem. What happens when people complimenting? I don't know. I run away. And it's like, well, hold on a second. Let's think about this.

If you're in a relationship and someone likes you, or not an interrelationate. If someone likes you, what are they going to do? Well, they'll probably compliment you because they're like you. And then what are you going to do? You're going to be like, ah, right away! It's like, did you realize that you were doing that? Oh, no, the problem is that people don't like me,

or the problem is that I don't make enough money, or the problem is this. And so this is what I mean. It's like diagnosis is the biggest challenge. So to critically look at yourself is very difficult to do. That's the first thing that a good psychiatrist will do, help you diagnose your problems. Now we move on to step one, I guess. First thing that we actually work on is a sense of identity.

So this is important to understand. Human beings who want relationships need to understand that a relationship is between two people. Okay. So a relationship is not about one person. It's not about a second person. it is a third thing that is created between two people. So one of the biggest problems that I see in people who are looking for girlfriends and people who are looking for boyfriends is that their sense of identity is kind of flawed or problematic. So their sense of self is somewhat negative.

They don't really understand how they perceive themselves. There are some aspects of themselves that they really believe are true, which don't have to be true. So I'll give you like a really simple example. I'm a morning person. I'm a night owl. or I'm someone who doesn't like, my love language is this or my love language is that. They have certain ideas of who they are

that actually will seriously interfere with their capacity to engage in a relationship. So practically what this means is asking yourself questions like, how do you see yourself? Who are you? And it doesn't just stop there. The really important thing that we do as therapists is oftentimes asking the next question,

which is, where does this view of yourself come from? So if someone says, I'm a loser, they can point to certain experiences in their life where they lost. And so then they sort of integrate those experiences into an identity and they say, I am a loser now. But the crazy thing is that if we more critically look at those experiences, if we reexamine them, reinterpret them, consider other kinds of problems. Really high on the list is like people with low self-esteem whose parents got divorced. So this is really, really common. divorce is an adverse childhood experience that increases the risk of things like depression and addiction. But when someone is struggling with an addiction, they don't think to themselves the reason that I'm addicted is because I have low self-esteem.

And the reason that I have low self-esteem is because my parents got divorced. But fundamentally, what we know is when parents get divorced, they don't usually have the same amount of time and attention for their children. This is a disruptive experience for a child. So a child whose parent is not there for you, what conclusion does the child arrive at? I'm not worth their time. So this then gets integrated into their experience. Now I'm sensitive to not being worth enough for other people's time. I'm not worth it.

I'm not as good as other people. This creates a cognitive filter, which then when I go to class and I raise my hand, but the teacher calls on this one other person, this one day, I feel really, really, really, really embarrassed. And I feel like the teacher likes that person more than me. And so what we start to do is we start to have this very interesting cognitive filter that reinforces our beliefs. develops a sense of identity. So really the first step that I have with people when I work with them is asking themselves, tell me about yourself. What do you think about yourself? And also, what were the experiences that led you to those conclusions? And this is really important for a

relationship because like we said, a relationship is between you and another person. So what are you bringing to the table? Who are you entering into the relationship? Like what are you putting into the relationship, right? The partner brings one person in and you get to bring another person in. What is the quality of the person that you are bringing in? Are you bringing in a loser? Are you bringing someone who has low self-esteem? Are you bringing someone who's a virgin and hasn't been able to convince anyone to have sex with them yet? Right. So when you bring these things into a relationship, that can cause a lot of problems because people are empathic. So when you feel like a loser, someone else will empathically get that negative.

energy from you. The other big problem that we see with this lack of identity work is people will try to artificially increase their confidence. So they'll go to pickup artists, they'll go to red pill, they'll do all these kinds of things like nagging. Yeah. So I feel bad about myself. And so in order to feel not inferior to you, I'm going to knock this person down a peg. And if I knock this person down a peg, then I will feel like I am less inferior and then I will feel like equals and then I will feel confident, but it's a toxic kind of thing. And by the way, it's not just verbally megging. I work with so many people who knock people down a peg or elevate people in their own mind, right? They'll look for reasons. I really, really like this person, but I don't want to be rejected by them.

So what am I going to do in my head? I'm going to knock them down a peg so that when I inevitably get rejected, it doesn't hurt as much. Right? So all this crap, I know I'm kind of rapid fire giving y'all examples comes down to this concept of identity. And until you understand who you are, you cannot authentically present yourself in a relationship. One last thing that we'll talk about is if you don't like who you are authentically, you'll put on a mask and then you will become someone else. And then this creates a problem because who do they fall in love with? They don't fall in love with the real you. They fall in love with an artificial version of you. And the longer you go in the relationship, the harder it becomes to maintain that facade. And so even though you can sometimes

get into a relationship, it can create all kinds of negative problems. The second thing that I work on a lot is focusing on Anhedonia and the source of internal pleasure. Now, this becomes incredibly important, especially in the modern dating age. So Anhedonia is the inability to derive pleasure from activities. So if we look at the way that dating used to be about 30 or 40 years ago, there were some amount of rejections, some successes, dating pool is pretty small. It's not like the person that you're interested in has a, you know, a choice from the 8 billion people on the internet. So it was like things were a little bit different.

You had a lot more organic interactions. People weren't on the screens all the time. So like that was the way that we evolved. So all of our circuitry in its default form formed connections with other people by just kind of hanging out with them. Proximity between two people is important for romantic attraction. So that can be physical. That can also be proximity of ideas.

So this concept of like kindred spirits, but essentially closeness to another person really helps us develop relationships. Now, what on earth does this have to do with what you derive pleasure from? So the dating world that we live in today has way more setbacks than it used to. So now you have to get rejected 80 times before you get a single yes if you're a dude on a dating app, right? There's a very, very lopsided experience for dating. It's way easier to ghost people. It's way easier to not return people's calls.

So if we look at like the amount of rejection that people experience, I honestly believe it is higher than it has ever been and has really past this critical human brain threshold of how much rejection we can handle. On one day, someone will swipe right on 50 people on Tinder and get rejected from all of them. The way that we evolved, we probably didn't even get rejected by 50 people over the course of our whole life. That kind of impact on our brain is like pretty significant. I think it's not 100% the same, but like each of those impacts hurts us in some way. Some part of our brain is processing that rejection.

So in order to deal with these setbacks, one of the biggest things that I work on is helping people derive pleasure from the right things. So the default way that we derive pleasure is we derive pleasure from outcomes. right? So I feel good about getting a trophy, not studying for 100 hours. I feel good about the accolades, the accomplishment. I feel really good about when I ask someone out, what naturally makes me feel good. What naturally makes me feel good is when someone says yes. So what we have to do is actually recalibrate because the amount of rejection in the world today is so high that if you derive your pleasure from accomplishments, you will get so freaking depressed to, you will get so freaking depressed so easily. And that's what we see. We see a group of people who are like, I'm done with dating,

right? South Korea has a birth rate that I think is less than 1.0. So like we're like, they're losing population and an alarming rate. So many people are mentally checked out of dating, mentally checked out of life. And that happens as long as we are outcome oriented. So I work really hard on helping people understand, okay, what can you be proud of in this world? Can you derive pleasure from action? Can you be proud of yourself for even though someone said no, you were still doing all the things that you can control? So I went to the gym today, I ate healthy today, I volunteered today, and I asked this girl out, she said no, but I'm still happy with the day. So what I see a lot in people who struggle to find girlfriends is they play so much weight or importance in the girlfriend. I'm an in-cell.

This is literally an identity that is based upon. your sexual history. The wholeness of who you are, how you identify, I'm a man, I'm a woman, I'm a doctor, I'm a good person, I'm a bad person, I am an in-cell, can be based on this identity. So what we really want to do is focus on the actions as opposed to the outcomes. And when we do this, one really important thing happens. So right now the system of dating works like this. I'm interested in dating someone. I put forth effort. I get rejected. Once I get rejected, this hurts. This hurt then leads to avoidance, right? So if we look at this system, effort, rejection, pain, avoidance. This is the system. Then what do you have to do? You have to overcome that avoidance using

willpower. You have to dig really deep. And now you're not relaxed. You're not happy. You're not attractive. You're someone who's desperate and empty on willpower and forces yourself into the dating realm, even though you don't feel good about it. And then that empathically people are going to pick up on. If you all have been seen online dating, you know how messed up people are, how much baggage they carry, right? You message one person, they're like, screw you. Oh, like, they, like, read way too much into your words and they get really offended by some small thing that you said. Like, you're like, hey, what do you, where do you feel like going? Oh, a man, a man is supposed to take charge. Like, I'm not going to, like, date anyone who's, like,

indecisive. I'm looking for someone who's masculine. And then the next thing you do is you, like, date someone else. And you're like, hey, like, how about we go to this place? Oh, screw that. I don't want to date a man who try to. to take charge, I believe in equality in feminism. And it's like no matter what you do, you get screwed, right? There's no, like the number of negative outcomes is astronomical. And if that hurts you and then leads to avoidance, it's just going to create a vicious cycle. So instead, what we want to do is be positively reinforced by our efforts. We want to learn to derive pleasure from our actions, not our outcomes. If you guys struggle with that, we have a whole video on dysthymia, which really, really digs into

the science of that. And people who struggle with that, by the way, dysthymia is, chronic depression. They end up chronically depressed for years and years and years of their life. The next thing that we're going to work on is cognitive restructuring. So when we approach something like dating, we have a lot of ideas in our mind, right? So I just mentioned too, oh, like a man is someone who takes charge, a man is someone who's more equal and is a feminist. Like, we have all these constructs. I'm a virgin. I'm an in-cell. I'm a red pillar. I'm a black pillar. I'm a beta. I'm a feminist. I'm a misogynist. Whatever. We have all these constructs. I'm a loser. I'm a winner, I'm a Chad, I'm a Stacey. And all of these constructs influence our emotions and influence our

behaviors. So one of the biggest reasons is going to blow your mind. One of the biggest reasons why I think people are single today is because they believe they are broken. And then what ends up happening is if I'm broken, no one decent will date me because I'm messed up and there are all these other Chads out there who are so much better than I am. So then what they end up doing when they're attracted to someone who is actually attracted to them, they end up ignoring that person and trying to select from the most broken human beings on the planet. Because if I'm broken and someone else is broken,

then we're on the same page, and then, like, you know, they'll deign to date me because all these other people are higher than I am. Now, here's the problem that I've learned as a psychiatrist. The person that you think is better than you has the same damn thoughts you do. So what's happening is we have a society of people who are selecting for the most broken, damaged, and difficult people to maintain relationships.

And we wonder why relationships don't work. I feel broken. Therefore, I'm going to select someone who's broken. I don't know if this makes sense, but like two broken people don't make a healthy relationship. We know from tons of studies on attachment theory that 50% of people have secure attachment, which means they're capable of forming healthy relationships. About 25% of people have anxious attachment. So they're paranoid that people will leave them.

And 25% of people have a void in attachment, which means that they're capable of that they are paranoid that people will get close to them. If you're worried, if you have a fear of abandonment or you have a fear of people getting close to you, what is the relationship that will help you heal with that? You have to date a securely attached person. The securely attached person is the only person who has the internal healthy structure to tolerate your anxiety or tolerate being pushed away. Whereas if you have an avoidant person and an anxious person, one person is being pushed away,

one person is paranoid about being pushed away. They're afraid of being abandoned and it's a match made in hell. So this is where we need to focus on our cognitive structures. Ask ourselves, why do I believe this about myself? Why do I believe this kind of stuff about women? Why do I believe this stuff about the world? And we have to tackle those beliefs and change them a little bit because those will then influence our behaviors.

Our behaviors flow from our thoughts. So most human beings who take action, think about the action before they do it. So until your thoughts are structured in a healthy way, it's very difficult to take action in the right way. The next thing that we're going to talk about, this is huge, especially for men, if we're talking about heteronormative relationships, is alexothymia in emotional availability. So we have to understand this. This is really important. So if you're looking for a girlfriend, what girlfriends are expecting from men is changing. In a sense, they are expecting more. And this is where a lot of men get really bent out of shape because they're like, oh my God, they're expecting so much of me.

In some dimensions they're expecting more and in some dimensions they're expecting less. So we used to have traditional relationships where the man provides financial stability, brings home the bacon, the woman takes care of the household. So over the last 50 years, the workforce, tons of women have entered the workforce. They don't need us to provide at the same level that we used to. They can provide themselves, right? They don't need us. This is why we have the highest number of single women on the planet, I think, that we've ever had.

because they no longer need men for financial stability. So there are some studies and stuff that show that men are still, women are still attracted to men that make a lot of money. All that stuff is true. But this is just, I'm telling you all as a psychiatrist, is working with a lot of women. What do they want from relationships? And if you go to like women's forums and women's spaces and you ask them,

what are you looking for? Some women are still looking for a person who's a provider. They're pretty transparent about that. There are still women who are like interested in being trophy wives, like whatever. But now what women are looking for more. than ever is now that they're in the workforce, now that they're dealing with a lot of stuff, they're looking for men who are emotionally available. They're looking for partners. They're looking for people to support them with their challenges and struggles in the world today.

So this is where Alexathymia, our colorblindness to your internal emotional state, creates a huge problem. So one of the things, if we kind of think about, how do you find a girlfriend, you connect with someone emotionally? It's crazy. It's like, what is a girlfriend about? I know it's like everyone's thirsty on the internet. We all think it's about, you know, sex and whatnot. But a girlfriend, a not friends with benefits or situation ship, involves an emotional connection. And we have like half the population of the world that are conditioned to suppress their emotions. Boys don't cry. And now we say to boys, it's okay to cry, man. Like, crying makes you strong. Is it okay for a man to be anxious? No, that makes him weak. Oh, I have really bad anxiety.

So annoying. We have so little tolerance for men's. anxiety. Is it okay? No, it's okay for men to feel emotions. Okay. What about anger? Is it okay for a man to be angry? Like, if there's a man who's yelling and a woman who's crying, do we view those two emotions equally? Do we view this situation as both of these human beings are authentically expressing their emotions? No, sir, what are you talking about? The man is a predator and the woman is a victim. This is how we live in the world today. And so what happens is as a consequence of all of these emotional suppressions, which sure, now we allow some super manly men who are heroes and who have a lot of respect to cry. But we still don't tolerate men who cry month after month after month after month after month after month after month,

no, no, no. If you're a very strong manly man who's really good in life, then you're allowed to cry on occasion that will make people love you even more. So what we have to do with men is we have to target the selexothymia. This is the conditioning that has happened. And in my overwhelming experience, I know that this kind of stuff can feed a lot of red pill, black pill kind of thinking. But I've also, the majority of women that I've worked with, the reason that they make wives, girlfriends, and partners is because they tolerate the whole range of emotions. So when I think about my wife, my wife tolerates my anxiety and my anger incredibly well.

She helps me handle those things incredibly well. I help her handle those things incredibly well. So real healthy relationship involves the full. and healthy expression of emotions. And in order to do that, we have to uncover our own emotions, and we do that through working on Alexothymia. We have a bunch of content on that. The last thing to keep in mind about why emotions are important is because a relationship involves the empathic expression of emotions. So I feel sad and you feel sad. When my dad passed away, my wife was there for me. I felt really sad. She comforted me, and so we formed a bond. This is also really important for

dudes because a lot of times when women feel emotions, right? We as men tend to denigrate them. We're like, oh my God, it's your time of the month. And why do we do that as dudes? It's because we don't know how to empathically connect with them. So we get scared. So any dude who makes fun of a woman for being emotional due to their menstrual cycle or any other reason, that kind of derogatory attitude actually comes from an inability to connect with this person. Right. So we feel so scared. by women's emotions. We don't know what to do with them. So we just like make fun of them and put them down. Acquire your full range of emotions. That way you can form an empathic connection. And, you know, falling in love is not just about thirsting for each other's bodies. Falling in love is

when you stay up all night long and someone tells you about the hardships in their life, tells you about their hopes and their dreams, and you're there with them. It's all about emotional connection. And if your emotional tap is turned all the way off, it is going to be really hard to connect to any human being on the planet, and especially a woman. Last thing that we're going to do is the stuff that everyone else tells you to do. This is behavioral skills, behavioral activation and skills. So after we do all of this internal work, okay? And this is where my therapist colleagues, I think, are right, that, you know, we can't find you a girlfriend. So we can do all this work on identity and cognitive restructuring, getting in touch with your emotions, all that, all that stuff, right? We can do all that.

But at some point, your ass needs to go out and learn how to flirt. Your ass needs to go out and go to the gym. Get your hair did. Change your outfit. Start working on skin care. This is the biggest mistake that I see with a lot of people who struggle to find a girlfriend is they do one or the other. Either they focus on all the external stuff. I'm going to learn how to flirt.

I'm going to become a pickup artist. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to make more money. And they're going to look at it. I say, I did all these things. Where's the girlfriend? I'm confused. Someone told me that if I do these three things,

I got my career, now I make $100,000 a day. I mean, a year, that would be great. Where's the girlfriend? I was promised, I was told that the girlfriend would appear. If I invoke this demonic summoning circle and put in the career and this and this, and the girlfriend will be like, what happened? They don't do the internal work. And on the flip side, unfortunately, I've had patients in my office who do the internal work,

but then really struggle to do the external work. So this is where all the stuff, all the other advice that you've gotten, now enters into the picture. So go to the gym. Learn how to flirt. Learn how to talk to people. For God's sake, learn how to have a platonic relationship with women. This is one of the best things that you can do.

Very difficult because we're so emotionally starved. We don't know how to form emotional bonds with other dudes. So when we form emotional bonds with women, we confuse it with love. And then also we're kind of like lusty and we're like horny and pent up there. So like all our stuff gets tangled. And then women get super. scared, and it's not because women are weak or anything like that. It's like, I want you all to think about this from the perspective of a woman. All of your emotional needs, all of your sexual needs,

like all of that, you're dumping on one person. It's too much for one person to handle. So we have to learn how to form friendships. We have to learn how to talk to people. We have to learn how to be sexy and be flirtatious and wink at people and not be creepy. There's a lot of skills building that absolutely goes into it, and that should not be ignored. The first fourth step steps is not enough. then you have to go out and do the last step. So can a psychiatrist help you find a girlfriend? I certainly hope so. It's one of the things that I've done a lot of.

It's one of the pieces of work that I find the most gratifying because it's like this person came in. We rarely get to do this in psychiatry. Sometimes someone comes in and there's just so much wrong in their life that I don't really know how I can help this person. Every once in a while, I'll get someone who comes in as like, hey, can you help me find a girlfriend? I'm like, yes, let's go.

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