HealthyGamerGG - How to Manage Intrusive Thoughts w/ QuarterJade

Episode Date: January 24, 2021

Well met! Today QuarterJade joins us for a heartfelt talk about her upbringing and foray into streaming. The chat covers intrusive thoughts and their origin, as well as the significance of sitting with emotions. Use this video as an important reminder to be compassionate towards yourself! You are great just the way you are.  Stream Schedule: https://www.twitch.tv/healthygamer_gg on Twitch. Youtube: https://youtu.be/s5cjlHMkOUM for VoD Archive. Support us at https://ko-fi.com/healthygamer if you enjoy our content and would continue helping making it accessible to everyone! Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What do you go by, by the way? How do I... Oh, you call me Jody. Jody. Okay. I'm Aalok, but a lot of people prefer to call me Dr. K. You can call me whatever you would like. Okay.

And so tell me, Jody, thank you very much for coming on. Thank you for having me. I see you are very vibrant still and colorful. Okay, I used to not be... I literally got my hair and died not even two days ago. Yeah, looks great. Thank you. What, what...

I'm to getting the hair dyed. Um, my, I always hear my mom say like, oh my God, like I wish I could have pink hair, of blue hair, but I'm too old. And a lot of my friends have colored hair. And I was like, I'm just, I'm just going to do it. I used to be really attached to my hair. So it's kind of empowering to just be like, yeah, I'm going to bleach the entirety of my head and make it pink.

What's empowering about that? Help me understand that. I think, um, a lot. of my life has been caring about the perception of myself to others. And while I do care, I don't want that to hold me back from expressing myself. And so this was like very different than I think even my last year's self would expect from me. What was your last year of self would have expected from you? I think my last yourself and all the years prior, especially with streaming,

has cared a lot about how my first impression is. Like, when people make that first judgment of you, or even see you on a thumbnail while they're scrolling Twitch, like I wanted to be perceived in a certain way. I see. In order to, yeah. How did that change? Oh, I got so sick and tired of it.

I was just like, oh, like, I'm not myself. I don't feel like I'm constantly trying to appeal to something that is not what I want. Yeah. So it was kind of more just like, like rebellion kind of thing. Oh, wow. Okay.

So it sounds like you've discovered yourself. Well, maybe. Maybe we're like halfway there. Okay. So cool. That's, sorry for diving right in. I don't know. No, yeah.

I don't mind at all. Is there, I was just curious about, you know, the appearance because it happened two days ago. And it seems like, yeah, it's like significant for you that you did this thing. It definitely is. I feel really happy, though. Like, I'm giddy about it. Yeah. So you're like expressing yourself.

Is there something in particular that you want to talk about today or anything that maybe I can help you with? When I was asked that question, we had listed off the feeling just of being a girl as a streamer and how you're kind of pushing against the grain. And then how intrusive thoughts make me feel kind of like inherently terrible. Yep. They have a way of doing that. Mm-hmm. And I think I struggle with trust slash friendships. Okay.

And that would be all that I can think of right now. That's plenty. Me thanks, Jody. What do you want to start with? So we've got intrusive thoughts being a female on Twitch and trusts and friendships. What feels? Any of them feel equally as. Okay.

So let me just, maybe I can just ask you a little bit about yourself and kind of lay like a foundation for like maybe 10 or 15 minutes and then we can kind of see where that takes us. Sure. I suddenly find myself feeling like really excited to like dig into this stuff with you. And I hope we can really learn something together. And I'm optimistic that we can. It's weird. I'm feeling unusual. Maybe it's just because you're so energetic.

I'm like, Oh, I'm like nervous. I'm so nervous and I feel like I'm jittering. I thought you were excited. I mean, I'm excited. I am.

But I'm also extremely nervous. And I think I'm trying to cope with that nervousness by being extra bubbly. Oh, No. I wonder if now I will feel anxious in public. Okay, no, no, no. I'm not feeling it yet. I'm excited. I'm just as equally excited. Okay, let's ask you. So can you tell me a little bit about what growing up was like for you? Oh, um, growing up, that was a really happy kid. Like, I, I looked back on my childhood with fondness. There was also some traumatic experiences and such, but everything, you know, who it doesn't

go through that. And then, um, I mean, my family is really supportive. My parents are super supportive of what I do. I mean, my hair's pink and they still love me and it's great. And they're like, oh my God,

I love it. And, uh, I've games my whole life. My, my parents gameed, actually. Like,

I remember, it was like waking up with the middle of the night and hearing them play Halo on like legendary campaign until 2 a.m. Um, so they're like very, uh, understanding and with the times, I would say. Wow, interesting.

So, you know, ballpark answers are fine. How old are your parents? Oh, yeah, yeah. My dad is 57. And I want to say my mom is 46. So how did they learn how to use a controller? I have no idea. Um, it's very unusual.

My, I'm sure that my brother influenced my parents' gaming. So my brother was super into gaming as well growing up, more so even than me. And then I'm sure that through my brother's interest in gaming that my parents were like, oh, well, now we have this console. Let's give it a try. Um, so that would have been around the time. It would have been like, yeah, around someone 20, so odd years ago, because I'm 23. So. Okay. Took the next question out of my mouth.

then how old is your brother? It sounds like he's older? Yeah, he's 20. 26. Okay. I should know that. I should definitely know that. No, no, we're ballparking. You do know that, right?

We're just ballparking for privacy. Yeah. Of course. And you have one brother? Yeah. Any other siblings? No. Just one older brother.

Can you tell me a little bit about him? Um, he is opposite of me. Okay. In many ways. I think that... I don't know what that means, so, because I don't know you or him. He is... A lot of the things that I saw growing up that I didn't like was actually in my brother.

And so I tried to go the opposite way. I don't consider him a very considerate individual. I think he's very in his head about himself and has a hard time maybe seeing outside of his situation. And so that has definitely affected my life. Because obviously I grew up with him. And he didn't move out to, I moved out really. So yeah, spent a lot of time with him, shared a bathroom with him and such. But he's very like, I'm really good to say.

Well, it sounds like he's one of us. Yeah. And I say that with love. Well, yeah. So, I mean, I think a lot of times, you know, siblings can dislike things about their other siblings. And it takes some time to really get to know your sibling, you know, in a way that is like, it's like a process. It's like a relationship that develops over time. And I wouldn't be surprised if you guys felt quite differently, you know,

five years from now, 10 years from now. But I'm almost hearing that maybe there were times when you were growing up that like maybe you could have really used his support a little bit, but Maybe he was a little bit caught up in himself and maybe wasn't quite as available to you. I think that, of course, they had the same parents. So I think that a lot of the things that we felt or were going through as a result of having the same parents, we could have talked about. And I feel like could have definitely relied on each other. But yeah, I'm not sure. We just have never connected and have always had issues.

Or not, like, just not gotten along, I would say. Hmm. What does that look like? Um, well, when I used to live with him and my parents, it was a lot of, like, fighting in a sense where I'm like, how can you do this? And he'd be like, uh, no. Like that, why would I do that? And I'd be like, well, because like, like, this bothers me.

He's like, eh. Yeah. And I'm like, okay. So that. It's like really frustrating. So that was a lot of like just fighting. And then it came to a point where I stopped caring. I was like, okay, yeah, we're just never going to have that relationship.

And you're just so drastically different from me. And then yeah. And then I moved out and we don't talk. Like he'll text me sometimes. I'll like say happy birthday. We don't really talk past that. How do you feel about that? I have a lot of resentment towards him.

Not because of me. Like, I don't really care how he's affected me because he did. I don't feel like he's a really like thing on my life. But I'm, like, upset with how he affects my parents. Because, yeah, he's just, I think, like, kind of a withdrawal sometimes. But, yeah. So, Jody, I'm just. noticing like I don't want this to turn into a you know brother bashing session and it crosses my mind

that this is public. So I wouldn't want us to talk about anything that would reflect poorly on him or make him feel embarrassed or called out or anything like that. We may have already crossed that bridge. But the reason I'm asking, I just want to, because I think we've got kind of an interesting fork in the road here where this feels important to me. It feels like it's a actually like a significant part of your life. Like, I know you've learned how to live with it and sort of like wall it off. And it's like, you know, we text each other on birthdays, you know, it's like that Steam friend that you, you know, you've got on your Steam Friends list that like you used to

play games with a few years ago. And then they changed their names a couple times and they changed their icon a couple times. You don't really even know who they are anymore. You don't know what games you guys used to play. It's just a perfect. And it's just like, it's just on your friends list, right? And you're like, I don't even know who that person is, but like, I don't know.

Well, continuing, I will say, like, I love my brother and I do see the good things in him. It's just that I can understand how great my brother is if I wasn't his sibling. I think because I am his sibling, I get to see a different side of him and I understand just a little bit more. So, like, I, for anyone listening, I do love my brother. My brother is a great guy. Like, it's just that I get to see totally just. a different side of him that I think everybody has. It's just that, yeah, it's my brother. Yeah. So I think that's where like, you know, if you want to talk about it, I think it's still

useful to do so. I think we should just understand that the point of exploring these things is to really try to improve on them. And I'm sure that, you know, when it comes to brothers and sisters that, you know, text each other occasionally, I'm sure you had your fair share in contributing to that relationship. You know, I mean, it's not like a one way. Well, sometimes, sometimes it this, but, you know, usually it's like it goes both ways. So, you know, I am, I do find myself curious, but I also want to kind of acknowledge that it could make him look bad and, and make sure that you're kind of comfortable with me continuing to ask questions. Like, I'm really curious when you said, I kind of, you have some resentment built up for some of the,

his relationship with your parents. So I'm curious about that. Yeah. Um, I, like, my parents are, I think fine with my brother. I just see what my brother does. And I'm like, you could definitely, sorry, my cat is eating my mouth. You could definitely, yeah, just be a little bit more considerate. And it would make their lives a little bit easier. Sure. It's just that he won't.

What is the, what do you ask him to do or what do you wish he did differently? So I haven't been home. So I don't know exactly what his, like, behavior is like right now. But a lot of what I have seen in him and know that he does is just, like, doesn't really pick up after himself, doesn't really help out around the house. And is, like I said, very, like, one-track minded. And maybe he tunnels on, like, his own life. plays a lot of video games but he works really long hours

so I can understand that he like went through a really bad breakup and moved back into my parents' house and like adopted a dog but I guess didn't really take care of the dog too well like my parents did a lot of it so yeah sounds like he works really hard

maybe had some stuff going on that wasn't too great but also sounds like one of us in the sense that he doesn't pick up after himself is kind of lost in game sometimes and is maybe a little bit infantilized by your mom and dad. Yes. So there's a really interesting

diagnostic question about whether he's one of us or whether he's not one of us. Does he do his own laundry? I want to say yes. There may be hope for him. You know, doing your own laundry is a big part of it. Sorry, my cat is just absolutely destroying my room right now. I see that.

So go ahead. Maybe your cat is jealous that we're talking about your brother. So can you tell me a little bit about your parents? Yeah. My mom is my rock. I love her to death. She is absolutely the woman that I aspire to be. She's just always had, like, given me that space to be vulnerable and talk about things

and really given me the space to express myself in any way that I want. Like, truly wishes for my happiness. And I feel that for me. her. My dad, my dad is an interesting man. He's rather angry. We actually, you know, when you finally

like get to talk to your parents about all the things that you've like been meaning to, like you, like, you make your own paycheck so you don't like hold anything back. My dad and I just actually had that conversation. Maybe like two weeks ago. Which was pretty big for me. Because I think that was

weighing on me for a while. but he's a little angry and I definitely see some of him in me and I hate that because I didn't really like him growing up and what part of what part of him do you see in yourself that you dislike so I call them my sneezes like behind closed doors a lot of the times I'll like get angry at stuff and I can't hold it in because it's like what I grew up with like holding in angry emotions were not a thing that happened in my family with my dad. And so I see that in me. And mine's definitely not as bad as my dad's. But because it's so similar in the sense where like get really angry, you can't whatever. And then I like sneeze and then it's gone. So I don't really like call those grudges. It's just that because I can get so angry and because I can't really control my emotions, it makes me feel. feel really guilty, I guess, is a word for it. Okay.

Can you give me an example? Something just happened. Oh, Andy Milanakis just gifted a shitload of subs to our channel. So thanks, Andy. Andy does that from time to time. I don't know. We love that. He just shows up and, you know, Bitcoin billionaires are asses.

But let me just, so let me ask you, can you tell us like, paint us a little bit of a picture, do any memories stand out? And once again, you know, we want to acknowledge for a moment that this is just an isolated memory. It sounds like you're for the most part, like you said, first and foremost, that you are a happy kid. And so it sounds like your parents did a wonderful job and they're like actually awesome parents, but no one's perfect. The reason I'm going to ask you a little bit about your dad is more because you see that part inside of you. So maybe we can understand a little bit. bit about how to deal with that anger. Is it okay if I ask you to tell us a little bit about like memories from interactions that you had with your dad? Okay. Right as you said memories, like I so vividly have this in my mind. Perfect. That's what we want. Yeah, it was around Christmas. I remember because we were sitting next to the Christmas tree. And I don't exactly remember what happened or what led to this. I actually think it was a pretty big turning point in my life. Um, but my dad, I ended up talking back and my dad ended up calling me a bitch. And I remember being like my dad just called me a bitch.

Like, you can't do that. Like, you should just not do that. And I remember, like, screaming at him. And I was like, you have no idea how your words affect people. And I'm like, 16 and you're calling me a bitch. And I'm like, how do you think this is going to make me feel? Like, do you think I'm going to forget this? And, um, I remember specifically like, what, okay, sorry, can you hear that?

My cat is rumbling at tongue. I'm so sorry. Hi, honey. Please stop. Just, I remember because it was the time that I had talked back. Like, I had finally stood up for myself, and he called to be a bitch because of it. And so it was really scarring, but also like an awakening where I was like, no matter what I say, he's just not going to like that I am talking back, I think. It's interesting because I think I'm getting a little bit more context of why I'm.

changing your hair is so empowering. Right? Because you kind of say that for a long time, you used to like be what people wanted you to be and now you're being a little bit more of yourself. And what I'm hearing is that, you know, you were taught that being yourself is not okay. I definitely was taught to behave. And yeah. Like I would definitely I it's like I would just my it was like walking on it around eggshells or whatever that saying is that I'm not familiar with but walking on eggshells.

It was very much that like one thing could blow up an entire situation. So it was a lot of just kind of minding my own business trying to lay low not bring attention to myself kind of thing. And what kind of things would set your dad off? Um, not washing a dish. Um, saying something. It. Changing his iPad wallpaper. It could be anything.

And what would he say if you changed his iPad wallpaper? Oh, this happened to my, well, my brother changed his iPad wallpaper, but it was the end of the world. Um, don't touch my shit. And it's disrespectful. How would you like it if I touched your shit? Uh, took all the clothes. out of my brother's closet, throw him over the banister. Just kind of ridiculous.

Yeah. But I think he knows it's ridiculous. I, like, had the conversation with him. I'm like, you're ridiculous. You're a ridiculous man. And he was, so I pretty much had the conversation with him that I was like, why do you need to, like, lash out at people when you're angry? And it actually, we had a conversation about my brother, because I think a lot of why my

brother is the way that he is because of my dad. Of course. And it was like you hurt people when you're angry. And I'm like, do you mean to do that? And he's like, yeah. How are any, how is anybody going to know that I'm angry if I don't like say these words like hurtful, meaningful words? And I was like how I'm so sorry like for the environment that you must have grown up in where you feel like you had to lash out of people for them to even hear you? Because that's just not. normal. And I was telling my dad, I'm like, in any friendship that I have right now, if I was to be like, hey, you stupid bitch, I hate when you do that. They're going to be like, okay, I'm not going to be friends with you because why do I need that in my life? And he didn't, he didn't really, I mean, we kind of got to a consensus and he was like, okay, like, I'm, I get it. But yeah, I don't know if it really like resonated with him. I think it was the only time in his life that anyone has ever talked to him about that or said anything along those lines. Wow, that takes... So I'm a little bit of a boomer,

so sometimes I say things that could be interpreted as misogynistic, so I apologize because I, you know, so let me know if I offend you. But, you know, that takes... That's quite a pair of balls you have there. Why, thank you. They're rather large. You know, like, I've tried to say ovaries, you know, to be like... You know, but it just doesn't...

It doesn't mean anything. You know? And then like, then you can... can always use the gender neutral term, which is that's quite a pair of gonads that you have. I like that. But God is sort of a middle school. Yeah, like it's a middle school insult, right? So I don't, I'm still trying to navigate this like, you know, woke culture of it's tough for me.

So if I say something that's out of line, I apologize. But that's quite a pair of balls you have there. Yeah, I mean, seriously, like it's, it's hard to stand up to your parents, especially when they get so angry and throw all your clothes over the banister. Well, I will, I shut my mouth for 23 years. I was definitely not saying anything, but I'm financially able to support myself. And I don't think that he can emotionally damage me anymore. So I felt kind of just like, well, we ended up on the call and why not?

I've been meeting to have this talk with you for literally ever. So it was actually like really nice. So it sounds like he was actually pretty receptive to the conversation and kind of engaged with you. Yes. He had definitely a moment of anger. And not really, yeah, he definitely just doesn't listen. It's funny. He's always waiting to talk.

Like if you always hear, yeah, he's always waiting to talk and I can tell because I'm like, you're just yelling back at me. in it, yeah. He's also just a man of logic. So a lot of my arguments and how I now carry forth of my arguments is through logic. And I kind of hate that because

emotions are always in play. It's just that I know how to talk to my dad for him to listen to me. So I have to like do everything logically. I'm like, yeah, well, this is what you said three years ago. And if you don't really follow through with that, And that just doesn't logically make sense.

And he's like, hmm. I'm like, ugh. Well, that's interesting. Usually by experience with people who are super into logic is that if their logic is incorrect, they get really, really angry. And then they just can't see that their logic is wrong. That usually... Okay, he at least, if you can out logic him, then he'll finally be like,

okay, I'll think about it. But, yeah. So I'm also hearing that, you know, he sort of, it sounds like you've sort of figured this out that like that was just the only way he knew how to make himself heard. So I didn't know that until like two weeks ago. I genuinely thought that he like knew what he was doing. Because I'm like, how can you be not, how do you not have the awareness to know that you are totally messing up people and being mean? And like, um, but no, he like genuinely did an understanding. understand. And I actually think that makes maybe more sense to me.

Yep. Yeah. So you... Yeah, it sort of makes sense because he didn't really know what he was doing. But also, it also sounds like that's the way that he learned that feelings are taken seriously when you are mean to someone. And that's how you express to someone that you are not okay with what they did. Yeah. the way that you demonstrate that you have been hurt is by hurting someone else. So that's, that's, I'm happy for you guys. And I think it takes a lot of strength to have that conversation.

And it sounds like your dad is kind of willing to play a ball, which is. We'll see. But yeah. Cool. And how did you get into streaming? Oh, I went to an event called Pax with my then-exploits. friend and there was like this huge purple booth and I was like what's that and he's like oh it's just like this live streaming platform like oh that's weird and then I forgot about it and then um

packs west or packs east packs west and then he actually built a computer and started streaming and at the same time I was like well I want to build a computer because I had always been a console gamer and like a laptop gamer um and then I ended up uh having some friends who helped me and I built like this really jank, like, really just bad computer. But, um, welcome to PC Master Race, my friend. Yes. So I would watch his streams. And I was like, this is really cool.

Like, this is all I've ever wanted in the sense that I've always had moments in gaming where I'm like, oh my God, I wish someone saw that. And that is exactly what this is. And so, um, I started streaming. And I was also extremely lonely at the time. I was in college and was studying. I was pre-med, and so I literally didn't make any friends. All I did was study.

I, like, didn't have the luxury or the intelligence to study, work, and have friends. I could really only have work and school and do those two things well. And then... So you worked when you were in college? Mm-hmm. I worked part-time. And then, yeah, and then I just, like, loved streaming because I was so lonely. How did you decide to become pre-med?

Uh, interesting, actually. I was auto-filled to business in college. My parents were like, you don't have to go to college, but if you, like, you just have to do something productive in the meantime. Like, you can't just sit at home and, like, play games and do nothing. And I was like, okay, fine. Like, I do see myself pursuing something. I just don't know what it is quite yet.

And went to college, auto-filled business. And halfway through business, I was like, questioning, I don't really enjoy this. Like, it doesn't, like, interest me. in any way, but I was like, but what is stopping me? Like, what do I want to do? And if nothing was any of my way, what would I do? And I was like, I would love to be some sort of doctor.

Like, I would love to be a dermatologist. Like, in a perfect world, I would be a dermatologist. Like, I just grew up with skin issues, like completely understand them and hate it and how everybody treated me and how most dermatologists treated me. And I was like, yeah, I would totally love to do that. And then I realized that my whole life I kind of told myself, that I wasn't intelligent and then I couldn't do that. And then I was like, oh, like, let's just, let's just do that.

Let's just at least try. So I switched to biology. Do you still tell yourself that you're not intelligent enough to do that? Not often. Not often. I think that, like, through my degree and, like, going through that process, I know that I totally can. It's just that if I'm willing to drop everything else, I can. Like I said, I didn't make any friends from college.

So at what expense did I was able to get good grades and maybe be pre-med at the expense of not having friends? Sounds about right. Yeah. Getting good grades as a pre-med is impressive. That's not easy to do. It took a lot, like literally everything that I had in me to work towards that. You know, just my experience was that I got terrible grades and didn't have any friends anyway. So, at least you got something out of it.

Yeah, of course. I was both a loser and a failure. Sounds like you were just a loser. So. Yeah, so then it sounds like you started, so were you like lonely in college? Oh my God, I was so lonely. I thankfully had a really great boss. I worked part time and my boss I developed such a great relationship with.

Her name is Cheryl and I love her. Like she is the seven year old women. She is just feisty. She's, um, I just love her. And so I had her, thankfully, and I would consider her a friend. It's just that our age difference was really drastic. So we couldn't like go and out and do anything really other than grab dinner. And, and so what was it?

Can you tell me what? what it was like to be lonely? I heavily relied on my boyfriend at the time. We had, we dated for way too long, I think because of that. So, because I had met him like my,

like summer going into college. But yeah, we were with each other for the entirety of college, which makes sense. You know, like we were good for each other, I think, when we need, while we needed each other kind of thing. But yeah, I was like,

didn't have friends to rely on. like talk to my mom a lot and would vent to my boss, but didn't really have anybody my age to like, like any girlfriends that I think are obviously really important. Do you have girlfriends now? I have girlfriends now. Yeah. How did that happen?

Through streaming. All my friends are through streaming. And like weird coincidences, I think. Like my best friend is actually from where I'm from. She was acquaintances with my ex. So we met through my ex. But then she ended up streaming. And we ended up really bonding over that.

And now we're roommates. Oh, cool. Yeah. And so what, how did your, what ended up happening with your ex-boyfriend? You guys said it. So it sounds like it was like what you guys needed at the time and then you kind of grew out of it or what happened? We. So he started streaming before me, which created an interesting dynamic in our relationship because his stream didn't do so well.

and mine did well enough to be full time. And that was really the decline of our relationship. I actually found a lot of self-worth through streaming. And also... And also just some empowerment. I've never really had anything that I felt good at. And I actually think that I feel pretty good at streaming. I'm not sure what about it.

Or like, I couldn't pinpoint it to you and tell you, like, what I'm doing right. I just feel confident doing so. I can tell you what you're doing, right? Oh. I think you're very... Yeah. Go ahead. Go ahead.

I've never watched the stream. Yeah, I was the same way. Yeah, I was in the same, but you've never seen my stream. I haven't seen your stream. I don't need to see your stream. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah. I think you're very alive. Oh, I would...

Yeah, I'm, yes. Yeah. I think it's quite compelling. Hmm. Well, thank you. I will, I cherish those words. Cherish away, my friend. No, seriously, I think it's, I can see.

I think you have some, like, a certain, like, charisma, right? There's like, yeah. Well, thank you. There's a lot of life in there. Yeah. My pink hair shows. But through streaming, I genuinely felt like I was good at something. And so that changed the dynamic in our relationship because he used to be the one that was, like,

at everything more than me or, um, I don't know. We were not good with each other, but we just happened to be with each other, I felt like. Yeah. So it sounds like maybe it was hard for him to watch you become more successful. Yeah. And, you know, when your testicles started to outweigh his. He noticed. It's hard.

Yeah. Yeah. It's challenging. Um, my wife. wears the pants in the relationship too. So that can sometimes be hard for me. Okay. So it sounds like, so I'm a little bit curious.

You had mentioned trust and friendships as important. Can you help me understand? So it sounds like you actually have a fair number of friends now. It sounds like, you know, things maybe just ran their course with your ex-boyfriend. Are you seeing someone now if you don't mind me asking? You don't have to answer that. I am seeing someone now. Yeah.

So help me understand why trust or friendships is kind of like something that you wanted to talk about. So I would say that until recently, I have good friends. And I would consider like my roommates really good friends and then some of the people that I've met through streaming. It's just that my whole life, it's like I have horror stories with friends or just people. and it makes me try to reflect and be like, well, why did all these things happen to me? And like, what am I doing so wrong? And it really scares me when approaching new friendships, because especially with people that I cherish, because I'm like, oh, when is it that they're going to realize like I'm this, that and this and then decide to leave me? Or like, yeah.

Does that have something to do with the intrusive thoughts? Yes. That sounds like I'm going to get a tough. Absolutely, yes. Yeah. Yes, it sort of looks like an intrusive thought. The people are wondering, that's what an intrusive thought looks like.

Out of all the thoughts that you've had that you've shared over the last 45 minutes, that is the intrusive one. Okay. All right. So tell me what happened with, we can get to the bottom. of this, I think. Okay. So tell... Go ahead.

Oh, so do you want to say something else? No. Okay. So tell me what happened with your friends like before this most recent batch. Drama. Literally I can look back on the time of my life and I'm like, okay, yeah, yep, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Oh, we're finally good. And the good is now.

Middle school? Can you give us an example? Middle school, my elementary bully came to and switch to my school. Good stop. Wow. They just follow you everywhere. It's great.

Yeah, that's not funny. So just like, my parents were part of this business. And I want to say that it was kind of like a cult business probably. I'm not sure. They didn't really tell me much about it. But pretty much when they switch businesses, when they're like, oh, yeah, this is kind of scummy. the other individuals that like oh how do I explain I went to a school it was a private school and the parents that all went to that all worked at the same place obviously like flocked together and they all had kids and so all the kids hung out so like me and like I think five other girls four other girls we would all hang out and then as soon as my parents were like oh yeah we're not going to be part of this business anymore the parents are like oh you can't hang out with Jody anymore because we're not hanging out with their parents anymore but as a kid I don't think I really understood that I think I

was like, I don't know. People don't want to hang off me. Like, eh. And then, yeah, but they were also, like, the kids were really mean about it, specifically one girl. But she was just really, yeah, not nice to me. I would cry every day on the races. I would literally bury a hole in the woodchips and dig myself under the stairs and cry.

And I remember, like, calling my mom. Um, so I was like third grade. You're smiling. Because it's comedic to me. I imagine my small self. burying myself with woodchips because I don't emotionally know how to understand this. And I'm over it now in the sense that I understand. Like, I'm aware enough to know that it wasn't a me thing.

It was definitely like a parent thing, but it still affects me emotionally. I just understand it a bit more like from birds eye view. What do you understand? That it wasn't a me thing. Like, I didn't do anything to make these girls hate me. but they did after my parents or after their parents told me not

like we can't hang out with you anyway okay can I think for a second Mm-hmm What games do you play, Jody? Right now, a lot of Valorin Okay I love Minecraft

Okay Rust Among Us But Among Us is okay I love just FPS games in general And puzzle games So like Zelda Favorite Zelda game

Twilight Princess You know it's sleeper sleeperhead Did you ever play Majora's Mask? I didn't like finish Majors masks I think in its entirety I ended up not liking it that much But I was also young and have not given another try So it kind of scared me

It's kind of demonic I mean, Twilight Princess also do be kind of a little dark but less dark. Yeah. Way more happy valley than, or sorry, what's uncanny valley? You familiar with this? Yeah. So it's way creepier. But, um, okay.

Uh, thank you for sharing that. I know it's kind of a random question, but I'm trying to just figure out what kind of analogies do I need to come up within my head to help us understand. Uh, so we're going to have to go towards Zell. it because I suck at FPSs. And I've never really played Minecraft. I still don't really understand it, to be honest. It's okay.

You won't understand until you dig like 10 hours into it. Okay, so maybe I should do that at some point. Okay, so let me ask you something. Have you ever... So it sounds like you understand that, you know, those kids were being mean and it wasn't really your fault. and when you think about that girl who buries herself in wood chips, have you done anything besides laugh?

Like, have you cried about that? Yes. I definitely went through my emotional acceptance of it. Help me understand what that means. Like, when I allow myself, to feel really sad or like bad for myself. It will go back to that time. But it is not often.

I oftentimes will just laugh at it. Okay. But you do let yourself, is it when you're feeling bad now that your mind kind of returns to that time? Or do you let your mind go to that time and you feel bad in the present? This is so interesting.

I was just talking on stream about how sometimes time to me feels very like sandwiched. Because my memories feels like I had lived in them yesterday. Yep. So a lot of the times, like, let's say that something happens, I will remember that feeling. Like, if something similar happens in my life, let's say related to friends or like I'm being wronged by a friend. So it sounds like the present triggers the past. You don't go and sit in the past.

Yeah. Okay. Cool. Yeah, we're going to talk. This is going to be good. I think you're going to figure this out. All right. It sounds like you're halfway there already, Jody.

your understanding of time, I think, is quite sophisticated and a very important revelation. Okay. Now, let me ask you another question. So when you are living in the present and you travel back to the past, do intrusive thoughts part of that picture? So when I'm thinking of myself in the past, does my past self have those intrusive thoughts? No, no. So just ask me about the intrusive thoughts. Let me ask you about the intrusive thoughts. Can you tell me just a little bit about what you mean by intrusive thoughts? When I say intrusive thoughts, it's mostly like my interactions with others, how I affect others, how others perceive me, and how that will, it relates back to.

What they'll do to you because of how you're perceived? Yes. And how I feel like I've been. either betrayed or wronged or just like un not just not liked throughout my life and so I feel like there's something wrong with me which creates these intrusive thoughts but that I can't really pinpoint if I'm like lying to myself or if others are lying to me and it just um intrusive in the sense that I'm like I must be inherently bad there must be something wrong with me that somebody just won't tell me.

Yeah. And yeah. Okay. So tell me what kind of, can you give me an example of intrusive thoughts? Like, let's say I'm streaming with someone or like I'm collaborating with another streamer. And I say something that's like me being myself. I'll like have a sudden moment of like, should I have said that? Or because I'm showing a glimpse of myself, this is like the last time that?

we'll be collaborating together because I'm just bad. I'm terrible. Nobody likes me. Kind of thing. There's that laughter again. So funny. I deal with everything through humor. Also, especially with streaming,

I like don't mind talking about my feelings and laughing about them because I want people to laugh with me. Like I don't want people to be sad for me. So I laugh so that people mirror me. Because I don't. No. I think especially with streaming, I want people to feel happy on my stream. I want you to click on a quarter jade stream and be like, yeah, this is like a positive, uplifting, happy place where we occasionally talk about sadness, but I don't leave feeling sad.

So if I talk about things that happen to me or don't laugh at the things that happen to me, then you'll also feel bad. You'll be like, oh, okay. Does that also apply outside of streaming? Like, I can understand trying to create a particular kind of community. your vibe on stream, but do you feel like people, are you okay with people being sad, pitying you otherwise? I, in, yes, but I will not often put myself in those situations to be pitied, I guess. You won't put those self, does it feel uncomfortable to you when people feel sad for you

or pity you? I've never thought about that. Let me think about that. Um, I don't think it makes me feel uncomfortable. I just don't want people to feel that way in our experience, like, when conversating, I guess. It is not my main goal. Sure. Or like, yeah. Let me ask you, do you, do you protect other people from feeling that way? Yeah. Why? Where does that come from? From lack of protection, I think.

That didn't take long. No. And what weren't you protected against? Yeah. Just mean and toxic experiences or people. Can you tell us about those? the experiences in particular or um i remember like oh there's a lot one that stands out in particular is oh my god i was just talking about this on the street which is funny um the said girl who we are

going to continue to go back to uh she we actually ended up becoming friends i i remember having this thought and i was like oh god we were so young i'm sure i could be friends with her her now. And we ended up like kind of getting along. We would hang out and I would like go to her house and she is very, she lives a very fortunate life. She had this beautiful pool and this beautiful house. I would go to her house often and I went swimming one day and then she ended up kind of merging with the popular crowd. And so I was no longer her friend after that. And I left my bathing to see out of her house. And I was like, hey, like I love my bathing store your house. Like can I come get it? And she's like, oh, like I don't have it. And then I was like, oh, shoot, okay. Then this is

when Instagram was rather new into society. But her sister posted an Instagram photo of her wearing the bathing suit. I'm like, yeah, that's definitely my bathing suit. Okay. And then I am a message here. I'm like, hey, like, can I come grab this? She's like, no, that's my sister's and I'm not even home. And then, okay, this is, my dad was probably wrong in allowing this to you. But my dad was like, yeah, let's just like, go drive her to her house and then go get it. I'm like, yeah, okay. Hindsight, I don't think that's a good. I definitely should not have done that. But the winter house knocked on the door. The dad answered.

And he's like, oh, hey, I'm here to pick up my bathing suit. And he's like, oh, yeah, going upstairs. And she had another sister. So the other sister was like, oh, like, what are you doing here? I was like, hey, I'm here to grab my bathing suit. She's like, oh, cool. It's like so in her room. I grabbed it.

I left. Her sister obviously told her that I was there. And then it ended up being this huge thing. She's like, I cannot believe that you would trespass into my house and steal my bathing soon. I'm like, yeah, but it was definitely mine, but it has a, like, that is like one of those moments where it's really toxic. And I know

that she went and told a bunch of other people about it and said maybe things that weren't very true, or from her point of view, might have been. And that, like, had altered the way that people saw me. And the friendships from there on now. That's fucked up.

Retweet. Wow. Man, you just really get fucked every time you stand up for yourself, don't you? Yeah. What do you think about that? Okay, the first thought to me was like, well, why? Yep.

Yeah. But I also think that's why I'm really protective of others. Like, I'm like straight up mama bear for anybody that I care about. And a lot of people that you don't care about. That too. I think it's, yeah, you're very very. protective. I think it's quite an admirable quality. And people, even though you sometimes get the short end of the stick, I think people benefit from having you in their lives for better or for worse.

But why do you think, how do you understand that? Why do you get smacked down every time you know, you know, poke your head above ground? Um, I just, I don't really know if I have a direct like, like, I don't feel like that's happening to me. Yeah, I guess. Like you say that, I'm like, oh, yeah, that, like, makes sense. But when I do stand up for something, it's more because I couldn't not, I like can't go to bed at night if I didn't. It will eat away at me. Can I think for a second? So I'm going to just think out loud.

I may need to pause in the middle here. But, you know, it's kind of interesting because when we think about these sorts of stories, right, where, like, you leave your bathing suit at her friend's house. And she's like, nope, that was mine. and then, you know, kind of it sounds like sometimes you try to express yourself maybe with your dad, and then that really didn't go well. It sounds like there are a lot of times where you've tried to, you know, show people who you are or be yourself and you've been punished for it. And generally speaking, you know, when we think about that, we think that the psychological consequences that you're like meek, right? Is that like when someone gets knocked down like a thousand times,

like they're going to learn how to stay down and they'll be like feel really bad about themselves and have low self-esteem and things like that. I don't think you have low self-esteem. What do you think? Until streaming, I would say that I for sure had low self-esteem. Yep. And have since grown. I am.

I have occasional low self-esteem. Sure, of course. Everyone does. But, you know, you're not like a downtrodden. Like you seem to be. confident. You seem to be vibrant. Um, I would not describe myself as confident, but I am definitely, how would you describe yourself? Uh, definitely like fake until you make it confidence. I want to be perceived as confident and therefore I kind of like just act accordingly. But deep down,

I don't feel confident. And I don't feel confident in the words that I say. I've just like, conditioned myself to be like, okay, well, now speak. How do you feel about the words you say? Sometimes really good. I'm, like, happy that I am open. And then sometimes I'm like the whole reason why people don't like you is because you talk. So just stop talking. But then I'm like in inner turmoil and I'm like, well, I have to be confident because I don't,

and I have to stand for this. But at the same time of, yeah. Yeah, so I'm going to be a little bit judgmental here. I think you're confident. And I think confidence is so foreign to you that you don't know what it looks like. So let me try to parse this out a little bit, okay? So if there's a part of you that says deep down inside you, just hypothesize, okay? I could be wrong.

But let's take a look at it. And then you let me know whether I'm right or I'm wrong because I don't know what's going on inside you. So, you know, there's a part of you that's like, I want to speak. And then there's another part of you that's like, no, no, no, don't speak. that's stupid when you speak bad things happen. Is that fair? Is that the conflict? So that's really interesting because I don't detect any lack of confidence there. So I'll give you an example of what lack of confidence is. Don't speak because you're dumb. But I'm not hearing that from you. I'm hearing that you've learned that there are consequences to your actions, but not when I think about someone

who's not confident, intrinsically, they don't think that their words have merit. I'm not hearing that you don't think intrinsically that you lack merit. I think you just, you know, you've been traumatized. Yeah, actually. Right? Because if you think about it, like, I'm sure you've had friends or you felt in the past, like you intrinsically don't have merit, right? Like you're like, there's something wrong with me. But that inner conflict that I hear now is not like, I feel like speaking, and then the other part of your voice is like, no, you shouldn't because that's dumb. You're dumb. Sit down and shut up.

It's like people are going to get frustrated if you do that. And that, by the way, may be legitimate, right? So I think that, you know, you have a lot of Bita, and if you don't know what that is, I'll explain it in a second. But in Ayurveda, the, Ayurveda is traditional Indian medicine. And Bita is, so like they sort of diagnose personality. is based on like elements. So you are like sort of like a fire type. And there's a really interesting sign of your bitta,

which is the insides of the palms of your hands and the color of them. Right? So I know that you have a lot of, I know that I'm assuming you're wearing makeup. I can't really tell. But and then I'm assuming that, you know, your hair is not normally this color. So like people with bitters, a bita, a high amount of bita, that's correlated with redness.

in their body. And so the palms of your hands, you know, are quite red, right? So it's kind of interesting. So if you look at the palms of my hands, they're like whiteish, right? Yeah. So you've got a lot of color there. So and Bithas also are kind of like angry. They're fiery.

They're logical. They don't take things lying down. They stand up for themselves. So that's maybe just a conversation for a different day. But I think that like, yeah, I don't think that you like. that confidence, I think you're trying to figure out, like, why when you express yourself, like people, like, you've learned that when you express yourself, like, sometimes it doesn't go well and people, like, mistreat you, which I think sort of makes sense. I can sort of understand what

you mean also if you say you're not confident because it does sound like you have thoughts floating around in your head that there's something inherently wrong with you. That's a lack of confidence, right? But I think that those thoughts, and I guess I'm going to, so here's what I think, the way, because I've started to do that. And so let me know, you know, if it, I could be completely wrong. Let me know what resonates with you and what doesn't. But the way that I understand it, is that, you know, Jody, you were like, so these, so let's think about intrusive thoughts for a second. So intrusive thoughts are thoughts that are unwanted, right? That's what we call them intrusive. And what they kind of do is they sort of like spawn in your mind. Like you're like going

around about your day, like, da, da, da, da, da, like, I'm going to eat a taco. And then like, this thought spawns in your mind and it's like, there's something inherently wrong with you. You're like, fuck. Like, where is that coming from? Like, I was just trying to eat a taco and there you go again, mind telling me that there's something inherently wrong with me. It's like, oh, like, hey, like, do you want to hang out sometime? And you're like, yeah, I want to hang out. You go hang out with your friend. Hey, do you want to move in together and your roommates? Like, hey, we should live together. That'd be totally awesome. You're like, yeah, that'd be totally awesome. And it's like, hey, there's something inherently wrong with you. You may fuck it up. Be careful. It's like, what the fuck?

Like, why is that happened? Like, no. No, like she likes me. She wants me to move in with her. This is great. We're having fun. We find out a lot. Like, why are you doing this to be mine?

Where is this coming from? And so it's intrusive. Because much like yourself, it shows up at your house, invites itself in, and takes your bathing suit. Right? It just comes in. And it's like, here's the really scary thing, because it actually has a right to be there, just like you have. her right to be there.

Right? Because here's the thing about intrusive thoughts. So intrusive thoughts like get spawned, right? They're like spawning. Like there's like a portal somewhere in your subconscious that every now and then gets triggered and then like spawns a mob. And then you have to like fight against the intrusive thought and sometimes you kill it and sometimes you don't.

It sounds like you've gotten pretty good at dealing with them. But they keep coming back. And you're like confused because despite your confidence, despite your success, despite the fact that you have friendships, I'm assuming just based on what we haven't talked about or that it hasn't come up, that your relationship with your boyfriend is pretty good. Seems like a cool dude. You know, because like we've talked about, anyway. So if you want to have a lot of fun, we can talk about him. But, you know, so it seems like you actually do trust people. It sounds like you are standing up for yourself. Like if you have a dad who gets angry all the time and throws things like over the banister and you lack confidence, It's really hard at the age of 23, especially being a woman, to, like, stand up to a father figure and say, like, hey, this is not okay. That doesn't compute for me that this person has low confidence, right? Because, like, you know inside yourself that, like, this is the right thing to do and, like, it needs to be said. I think the reason that you call yourself not confident is because you have the intrusive thoughts.

But, like, what I want you to understand is that there's you and then there's, like, this machine. over here that's like spawning this portal that's just spawning the intrusive thoughts. But that's not really you because you're confident. It's just there's this like bit of malware running in the background that is like pop up bad. Pop up bad. Hey, people don't like you. Hey, be careful because they're going to steal your bathing suit. Hey.

And you're like, how the fuck do I get this to stop? Okay. Does that make sense? Does that resonate with you? Okay. All right. So let's try to understand like where do these portals come? from? Like, like, and so this is where in my experience, um, I like the system of like Eastern

philosophy or like Eastern system of mind. So this is where, um, you know, you could go to see a therapist for something like this, absolutely. But I really like the Eastern conception of like what they say about this kind of stuff, which is basically that like there's that little girl. So like, I want you to think about what was going through your head when you would bear yourself and what chips. Like, do you remember what kind of thoughts you had? Um, it was specifically after the girls had said some not very nice things to me and they were like, yeah, we think go away. And I remember I wanted to not be there. But it was recess. I had nowhere else to go. Yeah. And do you remember what you thought about yourself? Remember specifically anything about like myself. I just felt sad and confused. I guess unwanted is like the first thing that comes to mind.

Yeah. So that's that's important, right? Because if I think about the, I've hypothesized what some of your intrusive thoughts are. And I think unwanted is a great way to encapsulate. Like what is the label on that portal? Right. It's like, I'm like, be careful, Jody, because they may not want you.

They want you to move in with them, but be careful because if they really know who you are, they won't want you anymore. Right. And so I can tell by your face that that hurts a little bit when I say it. Right. So what are you feeling right now? How that makes me really sad and like how it's also unfair to others for me to have that judgment of them. Or like to think that they are, like, the other struggle that I have is like, people are telling me,

no, Jody, we love you. Like, I'm here for you. I'm not going to randomly leave you. And then I'm like, well, I know, but. And then like, not only am I sad, I'm now like disrespecting their words. And how does that make you feel about yourself? Not good.

Yeah, right? So you blame yourself for fearing. And so now, like, there's been a big change. Like, you've been really vibrant. You've been really open. Now you're sitting back. Your arms are crossed, right? So, like, we're getting there.

So now what we're doing is like, so these feelings are there. And, you know, so like this is, I think how we're going to have to work through this. Because I think the issue here is that you do have that little kernel of, like, doubt. And then, like, there's a lot of self-blame there, too. Because, like, if you think about it, even now, the way that when you get mad at your right? Like you think that you're the one who's at fault. So like, like you're mature and you can understand that you didn't really do anything wrong back then. But even now, there's actually a second portal, which is like it's your fault. Do you see how that's like, but that's just as wrong

as the first one? Like, see, you say that and I can logically agree. And then I think back on myself in these moments and I'm like there's just no way that every single person that has wronged me is like one way straight okay this girl saw me bathing bathing suit well then I'm like it was so long ago that I'm and I feel this way and she was so vehemently like affected by it as well I'm like you know that I'm like well what if it wasn't her bathing or like what if it was her bathing suit and that can relate to any other situation to you I'm like well what if it wasn't my parents switching work. Like, what if they just didn't like me this whole time? And they finally got the chance to not be friends with them anymore. And that was why they were so mean on top of

just like having to distance himself for me. Okay. Give me a moment. Give me a moment. I was very helpful that you said that, Jody. Yeah, that's all the same thing. Okay. So let me, so what we've got to do is we've got to understand what are the different processes that are running in your mind and where do they come from. So I'm going to lay out like a little bit of a like system. Okay. So your mind has a conscious layer and it has an unconscious layer. Right. And so what happens is anytime we feel a lot of emotional pain, that that hurt goes dormant and sort of becomes malware and then sends pop-ups. So like, you know, if we think about like a phobia, for example, like if I, you know, get attacked by a dog, and then like the next day I'm like gaming and playing Halo it's like no big deal my conscious mind is completely fine

and then I hear a dog bark inside my house and I'm like oh shit and then that dormant fear of the dog that came from the trauma surfaces in my mind and starts generating all these thoughts even though there may be like it may be like the TV or something like that I may not actually be in any logical danger but my mind doesn't give a shit because that emotion is there and it like spawns thoughts. So just now, you said, I think, a really telling, used a telling sentence that makes me think that this is actually an echo from the past, which is when you say, oh, they finally had the excuse to get rid of me. Right? So that is a thought from a non-confident person. That's why you're kind of saying. So like, if you think about the thinker who generates that

thought, that thinker believes that they are not intrinsically valuable. And so if we think about it, like, that's kind of confusing because you're confident in yourself, but then you have this, like, portal that's like spawning, that has these lingering beliefs. And just like me hearing a dog, what actually happens is your mind has this function where, I know it sounds so simple, but what your mind does is look at the environment and then figure out which unconscious programs to turn on. right? So if I hear my child crying, my subconscious mind is going to activate like go into dad mode. And then if I'm like, you know, if Q pops when I'm playing a game of Dota, my mind is like, forget about dad mode. Go into wrecking shitties mode. Right. So like your mind is like constantly

opening up programs that are appropriate. And so what I think is happening with you is that you've, as you encounter situations with new friendships that seems, to be going in the right direction. Your mind is like, hold on a second. We've been here before. And be careful. Because when this person bullied you, and this is why it's so fucking traumatized.

It's so interesting. Because like, she bullied you once. But what really hurts is that y'all became friends. And then she did it again. Right? Like, that's so much worse. Like, she had grown up. And y'all were supposed to be friends.

and you all sort of were friends. And so then your mind learns that friends are going to steal my bathing suits. And so then you're going along and then your roommate and best friend is like, hey, let's be roommates. And then there's this part of your mind that's like, hold on a second.

We've been here before. She's going to take your bathing suit. And then she's going to talk shit about you to everyone that you know. And then they're going to realize everyone's going to realize that I'm a bad person. Right, but the, I know it's weird. So what do you, Penny for your thoughts?

Because I don't know where you are right now. Right as you said that. It's not actually that I, so it's more of, I specifically think of my roommate right now, who I think really highly of. I actually like, is when I think about what would happen,

I'm like, she's just this great, well-rounded woman that I, view herself highly that she's going to look at me and be like and then it's not so much talk shit. It's just that she's going to realize that she can have just better friend than me. Yeah. Okay.

So the talk shit was off, but that you will be revealed, right? To be worth less than what you're faking it. Like everyone is, you know, oh, she like did her hair and like,

oh, that's so great, but she doesn't realize that I'm not really worth it. the whole lot. And so I can understand why you feel sort of like, like obviously that's not confidence. But what I think this is is a sumscar, which is the sort of buried emotion, and somewhere along the way your mind kind of learned that you are not worth very much. And so what happens is as long as that core belief is sitting in your subconscious, it's going to continue spawning these thoughts. Because that's kind of what it does. It's sort of like,

you know, it's like a generator. It's like a thought generator. And there are some situations that are going to trigger them. The interesting thing is that you can get rid of that. So I think if you haven't seen a therapist, like a therapist sounds like it would be like a good move for you and like work through some of these things. It's not the only way to get rid of it, but it's something that I'd highly recommend that you try. What do you think about that, by the way? I've always wanted a therapist. It was just like the means of finding one and also just delegating the time. for one. Okay. So, you know, just as an aside, so, so therapy is really designed to treat diagnose and treat mental illnesses, right? So it can be used for a lot more than that. But what

I really think about is like therapy is about bringing people up to baseline, like if they're below baseline. The other thing you could always try because it's quite accessible and easy is you could try our coaching program. I think there's now a specific deal that we have. with Twitch where they're supporting that kind of thing. And a lot of creators seem to be like getting help from it. So, you know, I can send you more information about either. We'll send you information about how to find a therapist if you're interested or how to sign up for the coaching program. And I'd be curious, you know, whether you would find that helpful or not.

But our coaches are sort of trained in this methodology of like trying to understand like, you know, where does this stuff come from? Where was I going? Yeah. So I think that Jody, the other thing to kind of just think about is that like when I say some of these words and you feel hurt, now this is going to get weird, okay? Because that is bringing the past into the present. So you were saying that you usually go from the present into the past. Right? So the way that you digest, the way that you control, all delete and task that thing.

Because I want you to think about it like an emotional echo. It's like you had all that hurt. Like there's just so much hurt back then. And you've learned how to wall it off with humor. So like you've learned how to minimize the pop-up. So it's like just sitting there at the bottom of your task bar. But it's still taking up RAM. You don't see it anymore and you kind of laugh.

Like any, every time you like instead of hitting the X, you've learned how to minimize. And that's what humor is. And you have a lot of humor. And so like the more you laugh, like the more that's, something there. And so the way that you close it is by bringing that past into the present. And see, like, already now you're like a little bit more relaxed. Your arms are uncrossed.

Like, I'd imagine you're feeling less emotion because we're processing it. Right? You were like, and then like now it's like, okay, so like it kind of gets lighter. And over time, like that emotional energy will like start to dwindle as you like sit with it now. And what I would kind of say is that like, I understand. that 23-year-old Jody has understood all these things, and you're like a grown and strong and capable woman

who's moved out and is financially independent and, like, you're confident, right? It's so confusing because there's, like, also that, like, 7-year-old Jody is floating around and you're unconscious. And you carry her with you because she never, like, processed. Because kids don't. Questions. I'm absorbing. Okay.

I'm just trying to think about whether I have other things to say. Yeah. So let's just sit with that for a second and then like let me know process and then let me know if you have thoughts or questions. It's an interesting thought to me to consider my 23 year old self as this and my seven year old self is this rather than this. Yep. Yeah. That's what's really confusing for people. Right?

As we think of our mind as monolithic. But like you're clear. a confident person, Jody. And you're also clearly not confident at times. So how can those two contrary things exist? And what the yogis figured out is that the mind is not a thing. It is a fluctuation. So fluctuations at a particular wavelength produce a particular sound. And fluctuations at a different wavelength produce a different sound. So in the right circumstance, hopefully when you're with your boyfriend or hanging out with your mom, you produce a particular wavelength where you feel confident and good in yourself. And there are certain circumstances that will hit a certain

twang on your guitar string. It'll hit a different guitar string. It'll create a different fluctuation in your mind and then you'll feel less confident. And so people are confused, but like, that's how it works. And so essentially what we can do by like bringing the past into the present, and if you want to, we can do more of that. I'll basically say things that are going to make you feel more of the hurt come up, right? Because I know how to tune your guitar strings. And so I can, you know, say things to you that are going to be like empathic and I will pity you. And then it's going to like bring up this emotion.

Right? If I start to feel sad for you, it's going to like, it's going to be weird. You're going to try to laugh it off for a little while and then like, you know, but if I persist and I don't let you squirrel away and like make me smile. and if I persist in being sad for you, then like something weird is going to happen. I just don't know that we want to go there today. Does that make sense? It is so interesting to me that I have subconsciously been doing that. Like I really, really have, I don't want people to feel bad for me. Yeah. I'm like really intrigued by that.

I didn't really notice that I, as much as I want to talk and tell people with my story, at the same time, I don't want that exact story to make people sad or like feel bad for me. You want to go there? Sure. Sure. Seriously. What's wrong with making people feel sad? I guess I don't think to myself it's wrong to make people feel sad. Yeah, I know you don't.

I just think that I approach. conversations or just whatever in general as I want to make people laugh. Why is that important to you? It brings me joy. Like it makes me feel fulfilled. Yeah. Okay. So it's definitely like also a selfish thing.

Like I'm approaching this conversation to make you laugh, which in turn makes me feel fulfilled, which is like streaming. Like I want to farm. little W's, not like decolones. I don't know what that means. They're just emotes. Okay. Pretty much I just don't.

Is it decolon a penis? No. Okay. Because you know, penis is a part of the D. The D is the... It's part of the D. It's one of the three... It's a bunch of colons followed by a D.

Is that not the same thing? It's the D. The D colon is like the sad blue Blue face. I don't even know. Yeah. Anyways. It's like the sadness shock eboat.

Okay. Okay. Oh yeah. These are like the cheat codes where if you type in something, it shows an emote. Yeah. I recently discovered that. I was figuring out how to make a fish. I figured out the fish is four O's.

Right? Okay. Do you feel fulfilled now? Yeah. Interesting, right? So we can make you laugh and then feel fulfilled. So what's it like if we don't laugh? How do you feel?

Um, I may have just screwed it up, by the way, if we were going to try to go there. I may have just destroyed the emotional wavelength, but whatever. I, I, I, I, I, I, maybe, like, it's not uncomfortable. Unsettled, maybe. Or, like, it can't end there. Like, if we end the conversation sad, I like, I love. like cannot. Okay.

Right. So what I'm hearing is that you can't sit with the sadness. Yeah. Right? So like that's, so until you can sit with the sadness, the intrusive thoughts will continue. Hmm.

Right. So what we've got to do is like let seven year old Jody like come and sit in our lap and we've got to let her cry and we just have to like kind of be there with her and let her cry and like pat her on the back. You know, we don't need to distract her with jokes and tell her everything's okay. Like, we have to sit with her and tell her like, hey, what happened to you is not okay. And it's not fair that you feel like you're a bad person because you're not a bad person. And it's really, really sad that they have done something to you to make you feel and believe that you are not a good person and that you are not worth being friends with.

and you don't deserve that and you didn't do anything wrong. What was that like for you? Well, the whole time I'm like, so no jokes, no cracking up. But I also, like, it's like so a part of me

wants to hear those words and allow that and allow me to feel those raw emotions. And then the other part of me is like, he cannot. Yeah. What would happen if I did? I just feel like

emotion that I show that is not calculated is wrong. Okay. So I can take that. I think we're at a good stopping point for today. If you have more thoughts and questions, I think that's totally fine. But what I mean to say is that I think we've reached a good spot and we shouldn't push any further.

I think we've reached the limit of how far, I understand that you're willing and enthusiastic. consciously, I think subconsciously, this is like, this was hard for you. And so I think you did a great job, but I don't think we should push anymore. So a couple of things. One is you got to give this time, right? Because for years, if not decades, you haven't, like, you know, that he cannot is like, that's a strong, like you, there's a lot of strength behind that. Does that make sense? it's like a minotaur. It's like not no is what it's saying.

And so that we have to, we don't want to force it. It's going to have the opposite result, right? So like what we're doing is like when you're under the bridge or under the stairs and in a pile of wood chips, what we don't want to do is like, I'm not going to reach my hand in and like yank you out. And I'm like, you don't have to be down there. And I'm going to, no, no, no. What we're going to do is we're going to sit outside. We're going to sit right by the stairs. and we're going to be like,

Jody, whenever you're ready, I'm here if you want to come out and we can talk about it. And then Jody's like, no, I'm not, no, go away. And so we're just going to sit and we're going to be patient. So you need to give yourself some time. Another thing to think about because you are a streamer

is that, you know, when we talk about boundaries, so we should really think about whether this is the kind of thing that are we making it hard for you harder than it needs to be or that it deserves to be because you're talking about it on stream. So we want to create an environment where maybe privacy would help you come out more. Definitely something to think about, right? Because you do say, I don't want people to feel this way. So like, that's fine. Leave your streamer persona how it is. But you get to have a space maybe privately. Like, you can kind of think through that. But I really encourage you to like learn how to sit with it. Because I think,

like she's been down there for a while and like she doesn't, you know, and she's like under the stairs and then like you're going about your business and then occasionally she'll sob and send a thought your way. Right. So thoughts about that? Questions? Does that sound okay to you? Yes.

Okay. I am really welcoming the idea of seeing myself underneath the stairs. covered in with chip. And seeing that as myself, but also seeing that as like just a little girl that I would comfort and treat a little differently. Yeah, you got to treat her like your cat. Yeah. That's what the girl under the stairs needs, right?

Like, she just, you know. And I think that, like, by the way, this is what we call, like, I know there are a bunch of Instagram posts about self-compassion. That's what that is, by the way. Right. So I think you're really good at protecting other people. You're really good at making them laugh. But I don't know that you're actually compassionate towards yourself. I can tell that you're kind of a treat yourself kind of person. Like I get that. I get that you're like about living, which is a, but that's 23 year old you. And I get that. I get that vibe. But I, you know, that's self-compassion. And it's something that's hard to learn. Cool. Cool. Um, so I also oftentimes will teach people how to meditate. I'm sort of drawing a blank there, but I'm curious, are you interested in meditation? Yes.

Okay. Fuck. Now I have to come up with something. Okay, I'm going to need a minute. Is that okay? That's fine. What are we going to, what kind of meditation helps for being buried in wood chips? I want to teach you something fun.

But what do I know? That's fun. That's going to help you. Have you tried meditation before? Mm-mm. Okay. So I also try to teach a little bit of variety, but it's occurring to me that maybe what we need to do is just because you've never had done meditation.

We still got to start with the basics. We can't jump straight to advanced techniques. So I'm going to tell you you've got two options. You've got one that's energetic and one that's calming. Which one do you want? Energetic. Okay. So I'm going to teach you how to chant.

Okay. We're going to do om chanting. This is going to sound weird. All right, so I got to, I can't, I've learned how to not leak things. So I got to move to push to talk. And this gets really confusing for everyone because I forget to push, push to talk. So you probably can't hear me anymore. Yeah.

Yeah. So I'm going to forget to push, push to talk a lot. So it's going to be rough on you. Okay. So this, this we have to do just because of the way that Discord voice activity picks up the chant. Oh. So I'm going to chant Ome. So Ome is composed of.

of three syllables. Ah, ooh, and um. And the reason that we sort of do that is because Ome starts with a fully open mouth. So open your mouth as loud as you can, or wide as you can, and then make a sound. Right now? Yeah, yeah, try.

As wide as I can. Yeah. And then make a sound. Ah. There you go. See, there's ah, right? Okay. And then close your mouth entirely and then make a sound.

Mm. There we go. Right? So that's the a and the um, and in the middle of those is going to be the ooh. So um, got, got me? So that's actually where, so like this is pretty confusing because people is like, oh, om is like the fundamental sound of the universe, man. It's not, it's really not.

I mean, sure, it's the fundamental sound of the universe. You know, if you're a yoga calendar. But what it really is, it's just like, um, Okay, so that's ohm. So what we're going to do is chant it five times. I want you to really use your testicles to their maximum when you're chanting. Okay. And so I'm going to demonstrate once and then we'll do it once together. We'll check in for a second. Just make sure that you feel comfortable doing it and then we'll do like five rounds. Okay. So I'm going to sit up straight. So it's important when you meditate that your back be straight. So since you're a pre- bed, I'm going to ask you questions that will test your ability to, you know, be a surgeon. So what are the different positions that your back can be straight? Lying down? Yes.

Yep. And standing up, right? So those are the three. Beautiful. Right? So like it, perfect. So that's why those are the three positions that we can do when we meditate. Another little tip.

How tall are you? Five three. And do your feet touch the floor when you're in your chair? No. Are your feet down right now? I have a yoga block. You have a yoga block where? Oh, beneath your feet.

Underneath my feet. Okay, so this is what I want you to do. Can you sit cross-legged? Yes. Okay, so, but this is going to be tricky. You're going to have to put the cat down. Because what I want you to do is sit on the yoga block. Put your butt on the yoga block and then sit cross-legged so that how big is, yoga block is small, right?

Yes. My yoga block is small. Yeah. So I want you to sit on it like under your bum. Oh, on my chair? Yeah, on your chair. And so that you're, but I want you to notice. So let's start with this.

Put the cat down. Bye, honey. Okay. Oh, he's sad. Oh, he's sad. He's like, where am I? Okay. No yoga block yet.

No yoga block yet. Okay, okay. Okay. Cross-legged first. Just sit cross-legged. Indian style if you want to culturally appropriate something. Okay. So notice what your back is doing. What's your back doing? Yeah. Furky.

Hey, nobody can see Jody. Oh, no one can see Jody. Thanks, wife. Okay. So, so you're going to be slumping a little bit, maybe. You feel that? No. No, okay. So now I want you to sit on the yoga block. But like not, don't have your feet on the yoga block. Like sit, just elevate your butt. Okay.

Grab me my yoga block. Okay. Oh my gosh. Now try to sit cross-legged? I can't hear you. Now try to sit cross-legged? Oh. Oh.

Tell us what happened, Jody. It's comfy. It's like this is much comier. Your back is naturally straight, right? Yeah. It's weird. Physics. That's yoga for it.

I'm also much taller now. Yeah, yeah. I think you're 5-5. Definitely. Okay, so now I'm going to demonstrate. So we're going to sit up straight, okay? Okay. And then I'll demonstrate one round.

Got it? Yes. Okay. Like I said, use your testicles. Yeah, I'm impressed by how long you were able to hold that. Yeah, it doesn't need to be that long. Okay. Okay.

So deep breath in, and let's begin. Oh. Great job. A couple things. to do. One is eyes need to be closed. Secondly is if you bob your head around, your back is not straight. Spine needs to stay straight. Okay, nope, none of this bobbing of the heads. That's too much cultural appropriation. You only get to do that if you're into you.

Okay, so back straight. We're going to do it again, okay? And then, so eyes closed, big deep breath. Ah, ooh, and um. I definitely cannot hold it as long as you at the end. So just just do it. We'll shorten it. Okay. So I want you to do whatever you're comfortable with in terms of the length. And I want you did great. You may feel a little bit silly or self-conscious. I want you to just chant through it.

So we're going to do five rounds in a row. Let me just think about whether. Do you feel comfortable leading and all kind of follow your lead? Or do you want me to lead? Okay. You lead. Okay. So I'll follow you.

So you go for it. Eyes closed, five rounds. And then after we're done, I want you to just stay sizable. with your eyes closed. I know this is going to sound weird. Sit in the post-meditation space. You can continue to breathe and stuff. I know it sounds weird.

You'll understand when we get there. Just hang out after we're done with the practice. And when you're ready to open your eyes, do you want to sit on a pillow instead of the block? Would that be easier? I'm struggling on the block. Okay. All right.

But thankfully, I have a plethora of pillows here. Yeah. There we go. Okay. back straight take it away Jody okay beautiful

again three more last one big deep breath if you're ready you can go ahead and come on back okay came back a little bit earlier to be honest but you were in a voice and then I close my eyes I know I can tell I can tell I can tell

you just have a lot of trouble just sitting fucking still so we'll teach you that yeah so this is why I like to combine meditation so if you want to see a therapist. I think we're going to send you some information. Everyone who comes on stream will send you like a guide of how to find a therapist and stuff like that. You know, if you want to sign up for the coaching program, whatever. But here's the cool thing. So I think meditation works very synergistically

with therapy if you decide to go that route because what we're going to literally teach you how to do is sit and just sit with what you feel without reacting to it. Right? Because right now, Jody, what you're really the biggest thing that I'd say you need to grow is like you need to be able to sit with things. without reacting to them. Very reactive. I mean, don't get me wrong. It's a beautiful reaction, but it's still like reactive. You can't tolerate so many things. And so just sit. You're fine. You're perfect just the way you are. You don't need people to think differently. You don't need to be different. You don't need to have a different color of hair. You don't need to do this. You don't need to do that. You're great. Just the way you are. Your cat understands this.

Cat doesn't want you to be different. You're just be you. Feel me? Yeah. Okay. See, that was good. You sat with it. It's good.

Questions? Thoughts before we wrap up for the day. I do not have any. Okay. Well, thank you very much for coming on. Good luck to you. Thank you for having me. Yeah, it was awesome.

Yeah. I feel really good about this. Yeah, and good luck to you and, you know, keep us posted. And, and, you know, if you ever need us to attack anyone who is wrong to you, just let us know. Because we're good at that. Okay, let me know if anyone wrong with you. I'm good at that too. Cool.

Okay, so take care and good luck and, you know, keep us posted. All right, you too. Bye. Bye. So who are we rating? Who are we rating? I can't tell is Fusely a real person? I feel like you guys are trolling me.