HealthyGamerGG - How to Reconcile with Dad

Episode Date: April 7, 2020

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So can you tell us a little bit, so what are we calling you, buddy? Miguel. Miguel, okay. So Miguel, tell me a little bit about what's been going on with you recently and how we can help. Okay, so I guess to start, I'm a 19-year-old student at university. Okay. You know, I was living up in the dorms, and I was feeling like really good. I don't know.

I guess there's no other way I put it. I was in a good routine. I was doing what I wanted to do on a day to day. And then, yeah, my parents kind of forced me back, like I assume, like, a lot of other people due to COVID. And then, I don't know, I kind of just went downhill from there. Okay. Yeah, I think this is kind of just a theory, I guess,

but I think it sums a lot from my relationship with my parents and just, like, how it's proceeded, I guess is how to say it. Okay. Yeah, that's the most of it. Can you tell us, can you, so what you, you seem to be a little bit, of a unicorn, Miguel, because, you know, most of us are horses, but here comes Miguel, who actually has a good routine at school, which sounds very, very bizarre to me. Can we actually start with that? Like, how do you develop a good routine at school? Like, that sounds a mythical.

I mean, I don't know how, maybe to other people doesn't seem that good, but for me, it worked really well. I would just like get up in the morning, you know, like eat food, like try to work out, take a run or something, go to class. Then afterwards, I might actually like, sound kind of stupid, but inspiring pro gamer, I guess, for League of Legends. So I guess after class I would just do my meditation, then I just play for a while, you know, eat somewhere in between and then, you know, talk to my girlfriend, something like that and then so a true a true unicorn because not only are you exercising but you are interrelated oh hold on a second yeah hello turn him up got it all right thank you okay can you can you say something again Miguel hello hello I can move my mic closer too is that better good turn it up

still keep keep talking Miguel hello hello okay okay Good better. Fixed. Okay, awesome. Thank you very much. Cool. Yeah, so tell us a little bit about, you know, so how, hmm, so interesting. So you wake up, you eat something. Yeah. Hopefully. And then you try to exercise. What do you mean by try to exercise? I'm pretty inconsistent with it, honestly. It's like there are weeks where it's like, you know, five times a week or something, but they're also weeks where it's just like once or twice. So, okay. I guess it's kind of whenever I must have the willpower to, like, get up and, like, run, I guess.

Do you think it's willpower? Um, I think getting into the habit of it is, but once I'm in the habit, not really. Not really, yeah, okay. Makes sense. And, um, are you interested in university? Honestly, not really. Um, I'm kind of just there because my parents want me to be there. Okay. Yeah. Okay.

So we can talk a little bit about that. And how on earth did you get a girlfriend? How does one do that? I think I got really lucky, honestly. So during my freshman year of college, I was a lot more outgoing, I suppose, extroverted. And I was going to a lot of parties, stuff like that. And I actually happened to meet her in the welcome week of my college,

experience. So then I forget what happened. I accidentally asked her out on a day, I think, when I was not completely sober. I kind of forgot about it and then it just went from there. How does one accidentally ask someone out on a day? Well, I was very, very not sober at the time. And then I remember, I guess I just messaged her and I woke up the next morning and she texted me like, are we still on for today? I'm like, what are you talking about? And then, yeah, That was your reaction or that was what you responded to her? That was my reaction. I was going to say that.

Awesome. Okay. So you can thank drunk Miguel for helping out sober Miguel, right? Doesn't be a good one every now and then. Yeah. And so can you tell me a little bit? So how far are you from your university? How far is home away from university?

Pretty close. Just 45 minutes, give or take. Okay. And where is your girlfriend? She was the same university. She's like, right now, she's, she lives near the university, like, 10 minutes give her take. So I'm also like 50 minutes out from her. Okay. And are you guys seeing each other physically? No. Okay. Okay. That's just like quarantine stuff. Yeah. I was just curious because, you know. All right. So you're back at home. And how do you feel being back at home?

I guess I'm starting to get used to it, but at first it was not great. I guess, the first day or two, the feeling I described, or how I described it at least was like homesick almost, which is kind of weird to me. You were homesick for school. Not necessarily with school, just like, I guess, yeah, I guess for school, my apartment, like the life. Sure. So we're going to ask, so I'm going to try to think a little bit about how to make this productive for Twitch chat. Yeah. So what I want you guys to do is we're going to use Miguel as sort of a.

test case for how to understand how his life has changed and what's responsible for the change. So I'm making an assumption, right? So if we're thinking about like collecting data scientifically, we want to start with a hypothesis. And our hypothesis is that your life at university sounded like pretty good, actually. Yeah. And then it, I mean, since you're here today, it sounds like maybe your life at home is, is not so good in some ways. And then for us to try to figure out, So when we look at our lives and we think that our lives are good or not good, we tend to attribute them to certain causes. So we say that like, oh, my life at university sucks because I am lazy, right? We'll say things like that or because I am undisciplined.

But what I want you guys to really pay attention to is that Miguel is, in a sense, the same person that he was at home and at school. So it's not necessarily some kind of intrinsic quality that leads to his life being good or his life not being good. There are other factors at play. And what I want you guys to pay attention to is what are the variables that have changed in Miguel's life that have changed what's on the other side of the equal sign? Because it's not going to be like, I mean, I'm sure maybe you feel lazy. But I want you guys to just kind of pay attention to how has Miguel's circumstance changed. How is his mind changed? And if his mind has changed, if his circumstance has changed, then what is that going to do to, you know, this life that he's clearly crushing.

Or was clearly crushing. Yeah. Okay, so that's what I want you all to pay attention to, okay? And I can't really see Twitch chat because I'm, you know, on my potato set up. So I hope you guys got that. So Miguel, tell us a little bit about what it's like being at home. Um, I guess I just feel a lot more unmotivated. It's kind of stupid to say, I guess, but.

No, it's not, what's stupid to say about that? I just, I feel like nothing should, I shouldn't feel unmotivated here, I guess. Because it's just like where I grew up, it's like where everything started. But just different. I guess it's, it's like little things. It's like I'm just sleeping like 10 hours instead of like the usual eight. I'm like just sitting in bed doing nothing more just like playing a game or like just watching YouTube or something. I'm not like go back to like the pro gamer type thing.

I'm just not as motivated to play and practice and get better, I guess. Time just feels a lot more wasted. Time feels wasted. Okay. Yeah. So I want you to notice first, Miguel, two things, okay? One is that you feel a particular way, and one is that you respond to your feelings of feeling a particular way. Yeah.

Help us understand what the difference is. I guess respond to my feelings of the particular way it's like acting on it more so. Maybe like letting it control me to a certain next time. Okay. So what what I've heard you say a couple of things that I think are your responses to how you feel. So how you feel is that you're unmotivated, right? You feel like kind of sluggish. The drive is not there.

I mean, you would wake up every day. You would eat something, exercise. go to class, get home, like, you know, try to really get better at wow. And that sort of spark or that flame seems to be gone. Yeah. What is your response to that flame being gone? I guess I just let it go away almost. Like, I'm letting it be gone.

Very good. So what I'm saying, so I think your response towards it is actually judgment. Mm-hmm. What do you think about that? Judgment. Like, judgment in a way, I guess. You're judging yourself. for being unmotivated.

So you say, I let it go away. Yeah. Right? That implies to me that you think you've fucked up. Yeah. For sure. And that you said that you should be different. So should is a judgmental statement.

Does that make sense? I want you to keep an eye on that. Because when people judge themselves harshly, what do you think it does to their motivation? It kills it even more. Possibly. Yeah. Okay, so let's think about this for a second. Why do you think it kills it even more? It's kind of like downward spiral, I guess. You have that initial motivation, and then you just keep beating yourself up over and over, and then just goes from there, I guess.

Yeah, so you beat yourself up, and how does, but what is, what's the effect of beating yourself up? You just feel worse. So, but then, then if you feel worse, what does that do to your motivation? Less motivation, I suppose. Why? Is that what your experience has been? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, I think so. Okay, so let's go back to when you were at college. How much did you beat yourself up? I mean, here and there, but not like constant, I guess. Okay. So now we can make an observation. So we're going to collect a data point. We don't really quite understand how this works.

But it sounds like you felt confident about yourself at university that you and that that confidence meant that you were less judgmental towards yourself and that that

lack of judgment every now and then maybe you were judgmental but then the more confident you felt about yourself you sort of felt inspired or motivated

to like practice law go to class because you know a lot of people want to go pro and law and you know what they do at university

they wake up and they don't go to class yeah right so like something So there's something different here about the downward spiral and beating yourself up. The reason that I expressed some skepticism about that, I agree with you that it oftentimes leads to a downward spiral.

But some people actually get a lot of motivation from beating themselves up. Yeah. What do you think about that? I think I've experienced that sometimes, too. How so? I guess there were a couple of days at university where it's just like, yeah, I feel that like I'm in bed doing nothing. I should get up and go do something.

and I just like force myself into the gym or something or like go do something that makes me feel better. Yeah. So I know this is going to sound like a random example, but sometimes I work with especially women with anorexia who are very successful. And the really interesting thing is that like, so a lot of times people with anorexia are just incredibly successful. So it correlates with actually a lot of worldly success. And most people who have anorexia are women. And the really interesting thing is that they really beat themselves up for their appearance and they think that they do a really bad job and they suck at life.

And then their sense that they suck at life actually drives them really hard. They almost like whip themselves to go the extra mile and they never feel like it's good enough. And they're always striving to do better. It's kind of a torturous and suffering way to live. But it actually causes them to crush it in school and their jobs and things like that. What do you think about that? Does that make sense at all? 100%. I feel like I was kind of similar a while ago. And then I guess this time is just different for whatever reason. It's just, I guess back then is looking at my life. It's just I'm not doing anything. I'm just like playing games to play games, going to school just to go to school, no direction. And then I guess that was the beginning of the pushing towards like trying to better myself, I guess.

Interesting. So it sounds like you started to maybe beat yourself up and that motivated you to get started. But somehow when you got started and you started feeling good about yourself, that was its own kind of motivation, confidence, positivity, all that kind of crap. Yeah. Okay. So let's understand that motivation actually comes from a couple of different places and we'll kind of come back to that if it is relevant. Okay. Okay. So the next thing is I want you to notice, Miguel, when, and I want Twitch chat to watch out for when you make a judgmental,

especially self-judgmental statement, or the word that we're looking for is should. Okay. Because I think should is really like a great way. Like does that make sense? Like how is should a sign of judgment? Because it's like if I were a different person,

I would have done this or like so in this instance, I should have done this. Yep. And so like the opposite, what's the opposite of judgment? Compassion. Huh? Compassion? Sort of, yeah.

I can see how it has a layer of compassion. So let's just, we'll ask Twitch chat. We'll kind of come back to that. And what's the opposite of judgment? If it comes to you, then by all means, go for it. But, so let's kind of come back. Sorry for that. Was that tangent okay, Miguel?

Oh, yeah, of course. Okay. You know, so I'm going to try to, okay. So now let's talk about you. So tell me a little bit about what's it like to be back at home. I guess the biggest thing is, it's just like the relationship I have with my family's kind of weird, I guess. My brother, just preface it, I have four brothers, three brothers and one sister, and they're all half siblings. Okay.

My father is my mother's second husband. Okay. So it's not really that, like, it impacts much. It's, like, a thing. So I'm pretty tight with them still. I think the biggest thing that's, like, different at home is, like, how I interact with my dad's, like, not good. There's, like, a lot of resentment, I suppose. So it makes interact with me hard, I would say.

It's kind of taxing even. What do you resent? Or does he resent or you resent? I do, I think. What do you resent? That's a hard question to answer. A lot of things, I suppose. I feel like my upbringing wasn't the greatest probably.

That's like without knowing what a good upbringing is, I guess. Can you tell us about your upbringing? So my dad's an oncologist, so he wasn't how much. my mom was to stay at home she's like always taken care of like four kids and me give a dog too and yeah

I feel like whenever I talk with my dad it was whenever I interacted with my dad it's because I did something wrong or something like that so it always just ended up with like a shouting match basically

interesting um can you does a particular example come to mind Yeah, when I was, like, thinking about what I'd say to you. Like, there was one example, where you just, like, I don't even remember what I did. This was when I was, like, 10 or something, maybe, give or take.

But I did something wrong, and then I fucking, like, I don't know, man, like, I boarded up my door. Like, I threw, like, a chair in front of it, like, scared of what he'd, like, come say to me. He, like, shoved open the door and just started yelling at me. And it's just stuff like that. just not good. Huh. Not good. Yeah.

Right? So let's try to understand what's not good about that. I feel like that, I feel like whenever stuff like that came up, it just wasn't necessary, you know? Just like, sure, discipline me, but relax, I guess, I don't know. What was he doing?

Hello? Yeah, hello? Oh, all my monitor just went out. Sorry. Oh, what was he doing? You said, sure. discipline me, but relax a little bit. So what was he doing, disciplining you? I mean, I guess it was a point or it's not even disciplining. It's just like letting anger out, I guess.

Okay. Yeah. Letting anger out. Yeah. Sounds kind of passive. Yeah. It's, that's like, not like something I know for sure, but it's an explanation, I suppose. Miguel, let me ask you something. What is someone feeling when they close the door and stick a chair in front of it? Fear. Why are they putting a chair in front of it? What is the purpose of that chair? I guess distance, like, hoping it doesn't come, I guess. Or, like, hoping it stops it, I guess. Stop sit? So, I, that makes a lot of sense to me. I guess I'm looking for a particular word, and I'm going to continue fishing for it a little bit, right? What is that chair doing?

What purpose? So when you're a 10-year-old, and you think about, when you watch TV and people stick furniture in front of doors, what's usually on the other side? Danger. Yeah. So what is the purpose of that door? I mean, what's the purpose of the furniture in front of the door? Protection? Absolutely.

Right? And, like, what do we usually barricade ourselves against? because that's what you were doing. Yeah. I guess that danger. Yeah. But like what kinds of things do you see on TV? Monsters and zombies and stuff like that.

Absolutely. So I want you to just think about this for a second, right? So I want you to imagine a 10-year-old. And how must that 10-year-old be feeling for him to do something, like, barricade his doorway? Really scared. Really scared. Because what's on the other side is... Danger.

Yeah, and a monster. I mean, is that how it felt to you? Yeah. Definitely. What was that like? I don't know. Just scared, I guess. I don't know how else to put it.

What's it like growing up with a monster at home? Not good. In what way? Um, I just don't feel safe, I guess. Mm-hmm. Is that how you feel now? Um, maybe to some extent. Not the exact same way as a kid, definitely.

It's, it's gotten better here and there. Well, ultimately, it's like, I intentionally put a lot of distance between myself and it. Mm-hmm. Right. So you've learned how to put up other kinds of barricades. Yeah. Because chairs behind doors don't work. So what are the barricades that you've put up?

Well, one thing my girlfriend notice is it's like, when I interact with them, it's just like, I just turn off. I don't know. It's like an emotional wall, I guess. Go monotone. It's like just try not to interact, like as little as possible, stuff like that. Okay. So generally speaking, when we do things like that, those are adaptive. So what, when you, when you, so you've learned how to not interact with him, right?

Yeah. So what happens when you do interact with him? Recently, or like recently a past week, it's like pretty good. Yeah, I mean, it's nothing crazy, obviously. I don't, I don't know if you really are interacting with him over the past couple of years. Does that make sense? Yeah. There was exactly one time where I remember, like, really,

interacting with them. Tell me about that. So around Christmas time, my parents like filed for a divorce. They didn't end up going through with it, but that was like a lot of uncertainty. And then it was Christmas Day. And my mom kind of like sent my dad away. So I was a lot of us were under the pressure. He was going to like send Christmas alone. And I guess I just felt really bad. So went and got dinner with them. I kind of just like, I kind of just like, Like, you know, it's like hunker down, be like, okay, I'm going to have a real conversation, you know. I try my best. And it was pretty good.

Hunkering down to have a real conversation. Sounds pretty bad, huh? Yeah. What sounds bad about it? You shouldn't need to hunker down for a real conversation. Why did you have to hunker down? My relationship with them. Which is what?

Like, I have to protect myself against them, I suppose. Absolutely. Right? I mean, am I, like, I sort of, are you feeling like I'm spoon-feeding you? I mean, how much does this resonate with you? Oh, it resonates for sure. It's like, yeah. Right? So like if we- It's food-feeding me because it's so easy, I guess. Yeah, so I think, I think what I'm hearing from you, Miguel, is that you have a lot of feelings and you don't know how to put words to the feelings. And so what I'm really spoon-feeding you is the language by asking you leading questions. but I think to me, you know, like basically, and I imagine people watching, like when I think about a 10-year-old who literally has to barricade himself inside his room from his father, that's like, that tells us everything that we need to know.

You know, the rest of it is just defining terms, but that image, I think, was beautiful. I mean, it was a terrifying image, but it was a well-crafted image in terms of it captures a lot about the way that you felt and like what, you know, what your home situation was like. can I ask a little bit about the, you know, possible divorce? Yeah, go ahead. Why do you think they were getting divorced? Well, I was at school at the time, but apparently he said like a massive argument about, I don't really know, money maybe, but yeah, there's, do you want like more details like around the relationship or their relationship rather? Sure. If you're comfortable sharing them. Um, I can give what I can. Honestly, I like, I never really knew how they were together. It's like always felt like outward appearances, you know, and then they would always like yell each other and like dad would like threaten with divorce or something when I was like, or I'd hear about that was like 14 or something like that. Um, yeah, I don't have too much else to say. I always knew it was like kind of unspeer.

stable, but never to the extent. Okay. What would they fight about? It always start with like really stupid small stuff. And then both of them are like pretty stubborn. So they would just keep escalating and escalating, never giving it up. And then yeah, it'd reach points where it's like, oh, I guess we'll get a divorce yet. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's like, yeah.

It felt like it wasn't even real stuff there are. about and you said that you said something along the lines of you don't know how they ended up together um i'm not sure i quite i didn't say that but yeah kind of okay okay okay so maybe interpret it so so help me understand that a little bit why are you you know for a child of parents who thinks that there's got to be some reason that you believe that so can you help me understand a little bit about you know, what you think about them is so incompatible? Should both they just have tempers, I guess?

I mean, I've asked, like, both of them about how it happens. They both gave me pretty different answers, but I think, yeah, it was down to, like, their temperaments are both, like, pretty short. They're both, like, just different people, I guess. How did they tell you about

what were their answers in terms of? of why they got together. Well, my mom said something along the lines of like, so she said like my dad also like didn't really have parents growing up. Like his dad died in early age when he was at an early age and his mom was like always just working, working. So she said that it was so he could finally have a family that he could like, because my mom already had the kids at this point.

and then my dad said that they accidentally had me so they just got married so oh wow yeah huh what do you think about that um i mean i'd like to believe my mom's interpretation more but i guess the realistic part of me i guess maybe no it's is a harsh word but like knows my dad's probably, is the real version. Mm-hmm. You know, sometimes I think it's interesting which version we define is realistic. Yeah. Sure, right?

So it's, you know, Miguel, I see you smiling a lot, but I'm wondering if you're feeling some kind of hurt talking about these things. Yeah. It's kind of weird to revisit all this. What hurts? Um, family situation just hasn't been the best, I guess. I just always overlooked it. That sounds a little bit unpersonal to me, Miguel. I mean, you know, pardon me for once again hypothesizing, but, um, you know, the struggle

that I have is in terms of like, I don't want to bias you, but at the same time, you know, I think it's hard to do this kind of exploration at your age. Yeah. Um, so I mean, I'm just going to just say this for a second. Like, you know, how, how would someone feel if they learned from their dad that the reason their parents got married is because they were an accident? Not good, definitely. Um, not good in what way? What would they feel? Just question everything, I guess. Like what? You know, like, my parents really love me, I guess. Absolutely. Yeah. How does it feel? say that. That was pretty hard to say. I think I've kind of thought about that, like, you know,

past year, I guess. My dad, when my parents were, like, talking about divorce and stuff, my dad actually said something. I, like, really caught me off guard. We always used to say, like, I like, I like you to each other, thinking my dad. And I was just thought of as a joke. He was like, yeah, I never wanted to say, I, like, I never wanted to say, I, like, I like, I love. love you to me and I just had no idea how to process that. I still don't. Is it hurt when he says that to you? When he says what? When he said that to you? I guess maybe I was like distance at the time so it didn't really. But yeah. So when you were thinking about it now is distanced right that's the barricade. And so that's why we put up the

barricade because as long as the barricade is there, the monster doesn't get to come into the room. When did he say that to you? He said that like probably a year ago, a couple months, like, marched out, so I think probably around the time that they had the divorce and also around the time that you guys had that real conversation. Yeah. And can you tell us about the conversation? That was like the crux of it, I suppose.

that's when he was also like you know i want to start trying more in like our relationship he said he wanted to start trying more yeah yeah and like give you love i suppose like he's followed that with i love you also how did that make you feel i mean i was distancing also again so i guess just nothing so miguel i'm going to ask you another question okay when someone says I never wanted to say I love you. That's what your dad's words were, right? Along those lines. Along those lines. So let's actually like examine that statement for a moment. What does that statement mean?

Probably didn't love me, I guess. Interesting. So I'm going to ask you to re-examine that, right? Yeah. Okay. So can I just think for a second, Miguel? Yeah. So we've come a far away from motivation, schedules, waking up the morning and eating meals, haven't we? Yeah, for sure. So I'm going to, I wanted to ask you a couple of questions, but instead I think I'm going to make a few statements. And then I'm going

to give you a choice because I don't want to lead you somewhere that you don't want to go. Yeah. So I think that you don't know whether your father loves you or not. And I don't know if you want to know the answer to that question. I don't know if you're prepared to know the answer to that question. Yeah, that one resonates it. So now we have an interesting choice, right? So like the problem is that you don't know what's on the other side of the door. It could be a monster, it may not be a monster.

Yeah. The challenge is that in order for you to know the answer to that question, you have to take the chair away from the door and you have to unlock it and you have to open it. the real scary thing is that you don't know what's going to walk through. Yeah. So we're not going to assume that it isn't in a monster, and we're not going to assume that your dad does love you, although I do believe he does.

But in order for you to let him love you, you also have to let him not love you. And I don't know if you're ready for that. What do you mean by that? So it means that you have to let him in, and then like right now you have walls up, which is why when he says certain things to you, you're protected from them.

Yeah. But in order to like really, you know, you don't know if it's a fluffy teddy bear on the other side or if it's a monster. But like opening yourself up to one is opening yourself up to the other. Does that make sense? Like you've got to being vulnerable. Because right now when he tells you he loves you, like what are those words like do to you? Honestly, they either make me feel nothing or they're like just kind of trigger me almost. Exactly.

Right? So if we think about they do nothing to you, that's because your walls are up. And, you know, they can't, you know, in law, there's that area where you, you know, the enemies can't walk into. Yeah. So, like, you know, your walls are up, so they can't enter. The thing is you don't, so in order for those words, in order for you to feel, do you want to feel loved by your dad? Honestly, it just feels like I don't care. I think either way. Excellent insight, right?

So this is exactly what I'm saying. This is why I'm instead of asking you a thousand questions, I'm just telling you. So the first thing that I'm hypothesizing to you is that, you know, in order to feel loved by your dad, you have to care about what he feels. And I want you to just notice this because this is important. Sometimes we choose not to care about stuff because if I don't care about something, then it can't hurt me. But the other problem is that like if I don't care about it, I can't feel joy from it either. Yeah. So right now you have this barricade, which is that you don't care whether he loves you or not. Because, and that protects you from him not loving you, but it also prevents you from feeling loved by him.

And as a result of not caring, I think you sort of end up with something down the road that mutates over time into resentment. Yeah. Does that make sense? For sure. So now we have kind of a choice, Miguel. Do you want to, and you really don't have to say one thing or another, it's not like forget about, like, this is actually your choice. Okay, I don't want you to say something. I don't want you to do something because we're talking to Twitch or whatever. Do you want to try to explore what bringing the walls down is like or not?

I just don't even know the implication is that decision. Exactly. I'm with you. Honestly, part of me does and part of me doesn't. Or part of me doesn't. Good, so tell me about those two parts. There's the one part that, like, knows he's trying to be better and, like, wants to encourage that, I guess. But there's also the other part that's, there's, just doesn't want to.

I don't know how to explain it. Yeah, tell me what that part is saying. He's hurt you so much. It's like, it's better to just, like, try to work on the other parts of being at home, try to, like, get back to where you were, just ignore it. Mm-hmm. Which part do you want to listen to today? Honestly, the part that doesn't want to. Good for you.

Yeah. Good for you. I want, I'm out. It's just, I've been struggling with the same decisions like for a while. What decisions are those? Do I want to let him in? Yep. Yeah, like I said, part of me wants to, but.

it's just so hard. What do you resent him for? A lot, I guess. It's a hard thing to pinpoint. Can I give it a shot? Sure. Do you resent him for putting you in this situation in the first place? I never thought of that, but yeah, definitely.

I shouldn't have to think like this. Yep. How does it feel to have to think like this? Just sucks. Yeah. This is a lot of where the homesick feeling comes up. I just want to be back in my apartment doing what I want to do, not having to deal with this garbage.

Yeah. It's hard, right? Mm-hmm. Do you hate him for making you feel this way? No, I, this is really harsh, but like, I definitely did harbor a lot of, like, hatred towards him, especially when I was, like, a bit younger. and maybe it's not for putting me in the situation, but it's there. What did you hate him for?

Just like, being him, I guess. I don't know. And what is he? My dad, I don't know. I'm going to think for another second, okay? Yeah. Can I get water while you do? Yeah, of course.

Oh, Twitter chat. What are we going to do with Miguel? Are we going to do? Just got to make sure the door's locked. Hello? Hey, man. curious what what did you do with the door uh i'm just peeking outside see if they yeah there was um remember the last time i like had serious talk like in the house was with like my dad

we're talking about like the divorce and stuff and mom was just like around the corner listening in so i guess i just don't want to be heard by them right now yeah what do you think would happen if you were heard by them. I'd have to deal with it, I guess, with them. What would you have to deal with? What do you think would happen? What are you afraid of? Why don't you want them to know what you're saying right now? Because like, I don't even know, like, precisely how to feel? So how am I going to, like, vocalize to them? What I'm feeling. Why do you have to vocalize to them in a clear way what you're feeling? Just, like, help with what I'm saying, I guess. like help them understand.

What do you want them to understand? That I feel this way. That it's like tearing me up almost. What are you feeling? That's hard to say. From a physical sense, it's just like something in my chest. What's in your chest? Happiness, I suppose.

Tightness or heaviness? Yeah, tightness. Tightness. Yeah. So, Miguel, I'm going to go ahead and ask you a couple of questions, okay? Okay. So I want to come back to the statement that your dad said that I didn't want to tell you that I loved you, right? Yeah. And you're interpreting that as he doesn't love you. Not exactly. I think, I do think he loved. Yeah. So earlier, I think when I asked you about that,

you said sort of the way that you felt is that he didn't love you when I was I think when I was younger like and he would say like stuff like I like you and stuff like that he didn't then maybe that's like unsure but now I'm like I think he does that makes it a lot harder too what makes it why does that make it harder how does that make it hard because I know he wants to have the relationship I know he's like trying I know that he like

You know He wants to change I'm just like not helping that I guess Should you be doing something different I don't know There's the should though I guess Very good Is that how you feel

Because when you say I'm not helping it That sounds pretty judgmental to me Yeah There's definitely Yeah I think about this too It's like part of me that definitely wants to like, you know, help pardon them to change the relationship. It's part of the reason why I'm here even.

But at the same time, just like, why do I even need to try? What's the point? So you don't need to try? I don't need to. No. Let's understand that very clearly, right? So a lot of times the decisions that we make in life, the ways that we approach life are based on this part of us that is, like, pissed off.

Like, have you, have you read or seen Twilight? I've seen the first movie. I've not read it, though. Okay, so I, too, have not read it. I think I've seen maybe movies one, three, and four. Okay. And in those movies, I think at one point there's like, you know, there's the Weirwolf versus Vampire Thing and The Love, but at some point, I think she has a kid.

And then... Does? Okay. Yeah, sorry for. spoilers. I guess I should have been in the morning. And then I think something weird happens. I don't know exactly what happens. But then, you know, so if you guys need to tune out, you know, y'all should tune out. But at some point, you know, the the weirwolf dude actually becomes like sort of this protector for her kid. Okay. And this part of you that wants to, that wants you to stay away from your dad and doesn't want you to try and doesn't think that you need to try,

I kind of almost view as a protective weirwolf. Does that sort of make sense? It's like strong and angry and terrifying, but also is like really looking out for you and you can count on it. Yeah. Like it's you've got this like psychological like weirwolf guardian who just kind of follows you around is going to just fuck shit up if it tries to hurt you. Sounds pretty cool.

But the thing is it's kind of stoop. it's kind of stupid, right? It just knows. It's like, it's going to, it's like reactionary. It's not nuanced. It doesn't, you know, sip tea with its pinky up. It, you know, I don't know how else to describe it. Like, it's not very psychologically minded. It's, it's a beast. It's beastial. And so I think you don't have to, you can listen to that thing because this is what you've had to do. So I want you to kind of think a little bit about this. And let me know if this sort of makes sense or doesn't make sense, but I'm envisioning you as a kid, and a couple of experiences happen that that weird wolf in your mind starts to grow.

And over time, huh? 100%. There's like one that comes with a line. Tell us about it. I forget. It started from something stupid again, but like, yeah, my dad started yelling at me, like, puffed my chest up to me or something. I was so angry, and, like, yeah, I puffed it back.

Like, I squared up, like, about to fight him or something like that. Of course I backed down because I'm not about to hit my dad, but... Yeah. How old were you? This was 16, maybe, give or take a year. Mm-hmm. You said you weren't about to hit your dad. Was he about to hit you?

I don't think so. He was definitely poised like it, though. He had the thought in his mind. Sounds kind of scary, huh? Yeah. And so you had to learn how to protect yourself. So part of your psyche... psyche sort of developed to this like protective mechanism and it sort of came out.

So it sounds like it was actually pretty well developed at that point. Yeah. When do you think, do you remember when, do you remember times when you were younger where it started, where you started off being scared and then you sort of found this like core or nugget of like hatred and anger? Yeah. Tell me about that. I mean, it's no specific time I can think of, but remember like after arguments or something

with him or like he yelled on me i'd like sit in my room just like hitting a pillow or something like that just like really angry yeah and how did you were you angry while he was yelling at you it was like boiling over i guess boiling over when like toward the middle towards the end like like some points like i don't need to take this you know yep so i just want you to notice that like anger is born out of hatred i mean sorry born out of hurt right and and so that anger and so that anger anger kind of arises and it protects you. So anger is also a protective mechanism that we use to shield us from other more hurtful emotions.

So when I get rejected by a girl, it hurts. And then I'm like, she's a fucking bitch. Yeah. Right? So I think, you know, Miguel, we have a choice here. So I think it still kind of comes down to, I mean, first of all, it's like a no-brainer to me why you're homesick for. being away from home.

Yeah. You know, because when you come back into this house, all of these things which you've managed to barricade away are, like, more difficult to barricade. Because you have a somatic memory. You have a memory within your body of these times and these feelings. You basically, like, you know, you may get diagnosed with PTSD if you go and see enough psychiatrists. Because what you're, I mean, I don't know if it's, PTSD actually isn't the right,

you may not get diagnosed with that, but you're, it's clearly been traumatic. Yeah. So like the other way, you know, we kind of think about triggers or flashbacks. So now that you're at home, all of these emotions are arising. And your mind is not clean and focused the way that it used to be because all this shit is floating around. Yeah. Now, I do have a belief. I think your dad does love you.

And I interpret the, I wanted to tell you I love you in a different way. Yeah. What I interpret, so I, for example, Miguel, if I like someone and I say, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, wanted to tell you how pretty you are. Yeah. What does that mean about what I think about their attractiveness? You definitely think they're pretty. Yep.

Yeah. Why didn't they say it? Just scared, I guess. Something gets in the way. Yeah. Right? And what I'm hearing from your dad's statement is your dad doesn't say, I don't love you.

Mm-hmm. He says, I wanted to say something to you, but I didn't know how or it was too hard. Yeah. what do you think about that? Definitely makes sense. Like really thinking back to the conversation. It's like he's still saying like, you know, instead of saying I love you, saying I like, I like you,

just still like a positive emotion. You're still like probably more there. Yeah, so there's a huge difference between I love you and I like you though, right? So if you confess your love, I mean, I don't know why I keep on using romantic analogies, but I think they're more accessible. So, you know, if your girlfriend tells you she loves you, and then you respond with, I like you.

Boy, are you fucked? Right? On the inverse of that, though. I think. I'm sorry? You can say, like, to the, I guess, like, contraryly, you can all, me and my real false to say, like, I like you, you know, as a thing also. Absolutely.

My point is that those mean different things. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Right? And it's like, it's apples and oranges. It's not like, you know. And for you to hear, I like you is also a very important absence of you hearing I love you. Yeah, that's true.

Like, I mean, I like all kinds of things. Yeah. You know, but I also love all kinds of things too. But there's a, it's night and day. Yeah, definitely. And so, Miguel, in your case, you know, I, I still, you know, so you feel like your dad does love you. And I, I don't think that that's defensive. So sometimes people feel like their dad's, like, you know, people who are important

them and should love them, love that, they feel that they want to believe that their parents love them. Yeah. Do you think that you actually genuinely believe that your, your dad loves you, or do you think that that's just you, like, holding on to, like, childlike hope? Yeah, I genuinely believe that. Yeah. So then the question is why? Why do I believe that? Like I said, she's like making changes to try and change and, like, show that he loves me more. Yeah, so I think in other ways, even though he didn't say the words, I think also when you were growing up, there were probably some things that he did that made you feel loved. Yeah, definitely.

Can you tell us about those? I remember there. I guess like one of the better memories. I have with my dad was like, do you know geocaching? Sort of. Not really. It's like we, you go to like a location or a spot and then like this app gives you tips on how to find the treasure there or whatever. Yeah, right. Okay.

I remember like doing that with him and that was really nice. Like fun. And I don't know. He didn't say like I love your anything during that, but it's just like bonding, I suppose. I mean, I guess the easy word is loved, but. Yeah. Probably more to it. Can I give you another one?

Did he make you feel wanted? Yeah. Like he valued you being there and he valued your time together. Yeah. For sure. Other than math, though, it's just like, yeah. It's a few and far between.

Yeah. I wasn't trying to be silent for, to be awkward. I just didn't know how to follow that up. Oh, okay. I was just sure if you're trying to get more out of it. No, no, no, that's why I was like, oh, fuck, he thinks that there's more, no, it's just like I literally don't, I don't always, you know, sometimes it takes me a second to process too. Yeah, yeah, because. I'm just trying to think about.

So let's pause for a second, okay, since we don't know where to go. So, tell me, what are we talking about today, man? I mean, this is the big thing. I just want to know, like, what do I do while I'm here? Because realistically, I just, I can't just go back. So how do I get back on? What do you mean? What is the big thing? Let's start there.

It's like my relationship with my dad. And what have we done with that? Explored it a little more. Understand it like at least a little better. And what do you understand about it now that maybe you didn't before? That there's like more conflict in me than I know there is, than I think there is. There's like... It's okay. Take your time.

You don't have to make sense, by the way. Okay. We can help you with that. That's what we're doing. it's just the choice is there whether I want to or not I guess is the big thing if somewhere down the line I'm like maybe more mature or something like that and I decide like you know I'm at a place where I can finally go through with this then it'll always be there hopefully I guess maybe not always but um the choice will be there

yep yeah so I and yeah Yeah, I think, so thanks for recapping. Let me just kind of tell you what I heard. So the first thing is that, you know, I think you've been numb to a lot of your thoughts and feelings about your dad. And you've also been conflicted. And I think sometimes some of that, some of those conflicting feelings bubble up. Like I do genuinely believe that there is a part of you that is afraid that your dad does not love you. There's an older part of you that feels like he really does.

love you, but there's a younger part of you that really is not so sure and is actually afraid. And that the weirwolf, the weirwolf doesn't need to really protect 19 year old Miguel so much as it needs to protect 10 year old Miguel. And I think both of those Miguels exist within you. Yeah. In terms of your road forward, I mean, I think to be blunt, Miguel, I think that you have to patch things up with your dad if you want to feel like you're at home, at home. Okay. It doesn't mean that you can't be functional or successful at home, but if we think about you being comfortable, like, what does home mean? Like, home is a place that you feel comfortable and relaxed and you can be your best self and you don't have to like, you don't have to barricade yourself.

You don't have to check the door to see if someone is listening. You know, you're not at home right now. And I think it was beautifully said that you felt homesick for being at school because this is not home for you. Yeah. If you want it to be at home for you, this kind of goes back to like motivation and the downward spiral and all that kind of shit. Is that like as long as your brain is, you know, spending energy keeping those walls up, like just think about this for a second. You got up to get water and there's a subconscious process running in your mind that's like, let's check the door. Yeah.

There's no way that you can, like you can't be motivated because your RAM is being taken up by all this crap. You know, when you wake up in the morning, there are feelings of, like, resentment and whatever that have been, like, stored in your room and in this structure for a long time. And you're just going to have to deal with those. It's going to encumber you. It's almost like, you know, your house is a zone that, like, is going to, like, reduce your stats. It's like a myasma. And as long as you're sitting in it, you know, your damage is going to be reduced. Your health is going to be reduced.

someone was saying the other day that I ran out of mana and I think actually manna is a great example for like cognitive energy. So the issue here is that you're like at school your mana bar is like maxed so you can do a lot of things because in each thing you do makes it harder for you to do the others but you've got enough mana. At home really the debuff that you've got is your manna is like cut by 50%.

Yeah. So it's way harder. So the question is like what do we do about that? So there's some things that you can do to kind of buff up your manna bar or maybe like regenerate it throughout the day like you can like we can always talk about like oh meditate like meditates the solution to all of your answers and things like that of course but i think at the end of the day you know you can't you can do as many band-aids as you want to but i'm a big believer that like the root of the problem is like really where the problem is

yeah and you can't there's no you can adapt for the myasma that you're in but ultimately like the real thing that you that your real answer lies and like fix this shit. Yeah. And I'm sorry to say that, but that's just what I believe. You know? It's how it is. Yeah.

I mean, that's just how we are. I don't know that we, I don't know that we, I mean, there's still definitely more things we could talk about, but that's sort of my sense. What do you think about that? I mean, honestly, I feel like deep in, I know that too. It's just like, fuck, man, it sucks. I felt like I was So like back to the pro then

I felt like I was in a really good spot I was finally like hitting the goals I wanted to And then I feel like I just got like fucking robbed or something like came back home I'm just not playing well I just don't have what I had And I want to do something But what I have to do is really hard

Yeah so can I Say something that is potentially cliche and inspiring Of course Okay. So I think this is, you watch anime? Of course I do. Come on. So like, you know, you're not in your super saun form yet. Yeah.

How do you get to be a super saan? It was anger, I think. Sure. Like, if you think about, like, you know, you think about like, you know, people who are, you know, you think about how you, like, attain your final form. It's not just through training, right? It's through like conflict and dealing with your inner demons. Yeah. And I do believe that for you to be the best, if you actually want to be successful at wall,

I think the best way to do it is to, I mean, like take your favorite movie scene where, you know, you have this conflict with your parents and then you're on your final match. You're down like two out. It's a best of five and you're down to. And you look into the audience and you see your dad there and he's cheering for you. Yeah. Like, and then you go back and you win the next three. Right.

Nice thing that goes. Yeah. And so I think the very thing that holds you back is going to turn you into the person that you need to be to really be successful. Okay. I'll take that to heart. And I think that this is karma's way of giving you that opportunity. Right?

So you are on a particular track. And life, and this is where you know, you don't have to believe in this stuff. It's just the way that I conceptualize things because I thought. find it helpful. And life is giving you this opportunity to take something that you've sort of, because the thing is even at school and stuff, it's still like occupying, like it's still like debuffing your man a little bit. And if you really want to be successful at law, like you can't be at anything less than 100%. Yeah. Yeah. I've been thinking that's the entire time.

Yeah. And so right now, like the problem is in your face. And I think sometimes life, like, you try to run away from things. And I think life sort of says, uh-uh. And when life says, uh-uh, that's the time for you to step up. And I think you'll be, I mean, because this entire time you've been trying to play lull, and you haven't been your perfect self. Yeah. And you can't ever be your perfect self until this thing is settled. And just imagine how motivating it would be in the morning.

If you wake up in the morning, you see your dad. And he says, good morning, Miguel, I love you. Like, how would your day change? Drastically. On the contrary, it's like, I remember I woke up one morning. I was like started meditating and he like walked in the middle of it. I got so mad. Like I didn't direct it towards them.

I was just like, oh, it's not next time. But I was just like after, like the rest of day, I was just like tilted. There you go. Yeah. Right. So, so understand that the whatever tilts you takes energy, right? The problem is that right now that that energy is like pointed in the tilting direction instead of the inspiring direction. Yeah.

And and what you, I think what you really need to do is like shift that. around we're not talking about creating or destroying because you can't create or destroy energy you cannot create or destroy the energy of the mind all you can do is redirected and shape it and that you can do through reconceptualizing right you can change i wanted to tell you i love you at one point you interpreted is i love you but i mean sorry he didn't love you and then you can reinterpret that is that i've always loved you and i've always had difficulty telling you that Okay. Now, I think the challenge here is, I don't know what you exactly do about this, because I don't know how ready your dad is.

We're presuming that the only person that needs to be ready here is you. The other thing that they taught me when I was training to become a psychiatrist was that it's the parent that they don't talk about. That's actually the problem. Really? Yeah. Right? So, I mean, you know, I think that in any sense, situations with parents like this, there's also, there tends to sometimes be kind of like this.

Actually, I'm going to ask you, what do you think about that? Um, I mean, I have my like, I definitely have my like shit to deal with my mom still, but it's not sure. It's probably, it's, uh, how would you say? Oh, I'm debuffing me a bit, but it's definitely not as bad. I do, do you have any resentment towards your mom for, letting your dad create this life for you? I wouldn't say so. I never really thought about it like that. But there's something there.

There's some resentment. Yeah. So I think oftentimes that's a piece of it, right? So you have the dad who did this to you and then you have your mom who watched it happen. Yeah. And she also had a Dharma responsibility to like protect you from this or because all really like, Miguel, the really sad thing about this is this is actually not your responsibility. Right?

that's what's really kind of, and it makes sense to me that you resentful because generally speaking, kids are not the ones who are responsible for, like, moving a relationship forward with their parents. That changes as we start to become adults, but it's really your dad's job. And he hasn't done a very good job, it sounds like. Yeah. It's like, I guess the way I see it, though, is like he was probably in a similar spot when he was a kid, so he just doesn't know what to do.

Yeah. And I think that's a wonderful way to start building a conversation with him. So I think that's really good for a couple of reasons. Like, do you feel like you could have a conversation with him about what his upbringing was like? Like, how so? Like, just asking, like, how do you feel about having a conversation with him about, dad, what was it like growing up for you? I mean, yeah, if I really, if I, if I, I guess there's the word again.

And if I hunkered down, yeah, I could. Okay. Is there my sense is that you have to hunker down less to have that conversation than to have a conversation about him and you. Yeah, definitely. So I think that's where you can start because it has nothing to do. So the weirwolf doesn't necessarily have to wake up in that conversation. Now, you still have to hunker down because you're going to hunker down anytime you talk to your dad, sounds like. Yeah, yeah.

But to have some kind of space that allows you guys. to connect and also for you to like not have to deal with the biggest problem in the room like we're not going straight to the raid boss we're starting with like you know clearing out the trash mobs yeah yeah how do you feel about having a conversation with like would you be interested in that i mean yeah it's like it feels like a necessity almost at this point what feels like a necessity to you I mean, this is sounds like, this is like kind of cold, but this is another way I've been thinking about. It's just like, he's like paying for my university. He's like, you know, paying for the house I live in, like the food supplies.

Like, I'm almost like feel like I shouldn't be allowed to just like cut him off and be like, all right, whatever. Just deal with this. Never. What word did you use? Cut him off? Should. Oh. Got me, I guess.

Yep. Right. So that's your judgment. So I think there's a difference between, have you watched streams and stuff before? Are you new to us? Yeah, I do. So you know what Dharmah means? So I think that there's self-judgment and there's a Dharmah. So those are two different things. Yeah. So I do believe that you have a duty and responsibility as a son to try to repair your relationship with your dad. But I think his duty is greater. So I think if you want to repair your relationship because that's like that he's longing for a relationship with you and you guys. guys have seen, you know, you've started, like you've seen some kind of signs of life there. I think you should, you should, right?

Because I think it is your Dharma to try to nurture that when you're ready and when you're able, although I don't, you know, I don't expect you to do it at the age of 19. Yeah. And, but it's reasonable. I think that you, that responsibility is appropriate for you to bear. And, and also like, you know, it's also his Dharma. to provide for you because he's your dad. Yeah.

So that's what he gives you, and then when he's old and infirm, you provide for him. How old is your dad, by the way? He's like 70. Okay. So that's also something that's very, very tricky. Right? Because you guys have such a wide age gap that developmentally, it's very, hard for him to make a change. So it sounds like he had you at the age of 51.

Yeah. So people tend, and that was the first time he had a child. Yeah. So like being a parent is very, very hard. It's a very steep learning curve. And generally speaking, the older you are, the more difficult it gets. So when you're really young, it's hard. When you're really old, like just the way that your brain works, like it's hard to learn new things. So we tend to get set in our ways. It's not that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but that there's a very real neuroplasticity issue involved with like learning and changing behavior. So you can teach a two-year-old new languages like that. It gets harder when you're 15, gets even harder when you're 30, probably evens out around there. But there's some things about developing a child where like

your brain just changes. Like it's fucking weird. I used to be able to watch scary movies. And like I cried maybe once every five to ten years and now I cry like five times a week it's just weird I started noticing emotions that I didn't have and I think it's literally because like you have to like your brain changes when you have a child so so in your dad and how old was your mom when when you were born um or how old is she now she's like 60-ish now okay okay so um I think that's kind of tricky. I think there are a lot of other dynamics that could go on. Like, like, are your, how old are your siblings? Um, they're all like 30-ish. Yeah. So, so that's, some of this stuff, unfortunately, Miguel, like, you kind of got dealt a little bit of a,

uh, uh, shorthand in life in terms of like, you know, it's hard to be. So your sense of loneliness growing up with siblings who are way older and also parents who are farther in age can be tricky. Yeah. I mean, unlike the top of a little. loneliness. It's just like, kind of got used to it, I guess. I'm like really introverted, but like I can go out of it when I want to. Yeah. So listen, man, I don't know exactly what I'm trying to tell you, but I think that what I mean to say is that I think that there are reasons that have nothing to do with who you are about why it was difficult for you to form a relationship with your dad. Now, some of those things I think are on him, but in the sense you guys have the deck

stacked against you because yeah you know by the time you were 10 he was 60 yeah so like it's hard to like you know a lot of the things that fathers and sons do may have actually just been physically hard for him at that point i don't know what kind of shape is that's pretty bad actually no pretty good because he's the golf every day yeah so so i mean that's good but like when i just think about you know the kinds of things that i do with my kids like i notice a difference between I had my first kid at the age of 31 or 32, and I could just manhandle her physically in a way that even now at like 37, it's like harder for me to do with my younger kid. Like I just, it's weird.

It's like kind of scary. But so I think, you know, in your case, I think it's a little bit tricky because you guys do have an age gap. That's not your fault. That's not his fault. Yeah. And but I still think, you know, I don't think you can get around this man. I think we can talk as much as you want to about waking up on.

time and setting your alarm and meditating and setting all these strategies and behaviors and atomic habits and all this kind of crap yeah i mean i think you've got to become your best version of yourself and i don't think you can do that as long as this is hanging over your head 100%. i guess yeah i'll take i'll take the first step at least because i don't want this over my head obviously yeah what does that first step look like to you um just like sitting down and talking like you said like how his childhood was like maybe just like more about him i don't know much about him general it feels like yeah and um so there's this chance that could backfire if it backfires shoot me a DM because i don't want to be hanging okay um and you know

you're welcome to come back on stream you know a couple weeks down the road or something like that I mean, it really, if the conversation ends up screwing you over in some way and you feel like you've, you know, started a ticking time bomb, please let me know and I'd love to help you through that. Sounds fantastic. Thank you so much, Dr. Kay. Yeah, of course, man. Any thoughts or questions before we wrap up? No, that was wild way I wanted to get out. We should meditate, right?

I'm down to meditate, yeah. Okay. What kind of meditation do you do? I'm still kind of a bum. I just, like, guided meditation on YouTube. or something like that. I started reading a little bit more. A little bit judgmental there.

Yeah, you're not wrong. Yeah, right? So that's okay. So Miguel, you got to start where you are, man. You can't expect to be somewhere else. Like you're at school, you're at home. I mean, I learned to meditate. I meditate the way that I do because I learned at an ashram.

Like, I got to stay in India for three months and you just don't have that opportunity. So guided meditation on YouTube, I think, is quite respectable. Let me just think. What are we going to teach you? Let me think. Have you done Nadi should be before, the alternate nostril breathing? I don't think so. Okay, so let's teach you that.

Let's start there. So I want you to sit up straight. Okay. Okay. You have allergies or a deviated septum or anything, any of that stuff going on? Okay. No. What part of the world are you in, by the way?

Midwest. Okay. U.S. Yeah. Okay. Um, does your dad still work? No, he's retired. Okay.

Let me just think about this. So I'm going to teach you something called alternate nostril breathing. So can you do this? What is that? Yep. Uh, close. No, this is this. Yep.

So index finger down. Wait. Index finger down. Okay. Yep. Very good. Excellent. Good job.

And take your, so what we're going to do is we're going to use our thumb to block this nostril, and we're going to breathe in through that one. Then we're going to use these two fingers to block the other, and we're going to breathe. Okay, so what I'm going to do, it's a little bit weird. So block your right nostril. Breathe in, switch, and breathe out. Breathe in again through the same nostril. Switch, out, in, switch, out, in, switch, out, in, switch, out, in, switch, out, in, switch, out, switch, out.

Out. Now close your eyes. Raise up your head a little bit. Sit up nice and straight. Good. And now continue at your own pace. Remember that you breathe out and then breathe in through the same nostril before switching. That you should switch with a full breath. Go ahead and finish the round that you're on. Let your eyes remain closed and sit in the stillness. And now from this place, Miguel, start to think through some of the things that we've talked about today. Notice within yourself your fear. Notice within yourself the fear of being unwanted, the fear of being unloved, and also notice within yourself the instinctual knowledge that you are loved, that sometimes these things conflict, so be it. Notice the burden you've been carrying. Sometimes it manifests as a heaviness or tightness,

in your chest. And notice that you can, to a certain degree, free yourself of that burden in moments like this. But there is a real Miguel, a true Miguel, a pure version of you, who's a little bit distant from and separate from all of your fears and worries and also your joys and ambitions. And if you need to in the days ahead, As you struggle with motivation or scheduling or things like that, try to come back to this place. Because from this place, things can get a little bit easier. You can see them a little bit clearer and you can understand them a little bit better. And it's easier to act from here.

Give yourself the opportunity to come back here from time to time. And now come back to Miguel. You're in the Midwest. Your eyes are open. Can I share one last thought with you, Miguel? I don't think you can actually wait to have this conversation. You were saying earlier that you have lots of time and you can deal with it later. I don't think so.

You may not have as much time as you think. Yeah. And also, you should not have as much time as you think. I want you to think about this. You know, that you should also give yourself the time. to live and exist within the relationship with your dad that you want. It's not about fixing things up and then checking off a box. It's about checking off that box and then having time to live in that space,

whether it be days, weeks, months, years, or even decades. Yeah. Good luck. Thanks, doctor. Yeah, of course, man. We're rooting for you. Have a good one. All righty.

Oh, man. We love to complicate our lives, don't we? We love to think about habits and motivation and willpower and discipline and all this stuff. Sometimes I think, unfortunately, the things that hold us back are simple and difficult. It's not really complicated. So I want you guys to understand this. The mind thrives in complicated things. The mind loves complicated equations, right?

because the more you complicate the equation, the easier it is for the mind to avoid that which it wants to avoid. If you think about this for a second, if a group project goes wrong, whose fault is it? Even if it's your fault, it's very easy to assign blame to others. It's way harder to avoid blame yourself if it's a solo project. And so different variables of the mind are opportunities for the mind to avoid looking at the things

it doesn't want to look at. And so be careful, because the more you complicate the things in your life, the less likely you are to actually move forward. I mean, that's sort of a false statement, because I think a lot of, you know, a lot of progress in life can be made by optimizing different variables. But generally speaking, I see a lot of avoidance carried out through the complexities of the mind. Yeah. So just think about that. So think about, you know, when you're struggling in life, how many answers do you come up with? Oh, why didn't you finish the project on time? Oh, I was late and there was traffic and I had to call the doctor and my dog needed this all excuses, right? The more excuses that you give, the more likely they are to be BS. So the more variables,

just think about this. When someone, when you ask someone, when someone doesn't do a good job, what makes you, what sets off your BS meter? When they say they didn't do a good job for one reason or when they said they didn't do a good job for five reasons. Oh, it was this confluence of events. The microwave wasn't working and then I hit traffic and then this happened and this happened and this happened. That's why I'm late. I'm so sorry. Right?

So that's what your mind does. It gives you lots and lots of reasons. Oh, the reason you aren't successful is because of this and this and this and this and this. Or what it does is it oversimplifies things because then it doesn't have to examine. The opposite is true. if someone comes in and they say like oh why were you late and they're like ah i don't know zero reasons or five reasons same thing all bs why aren't you successful oh i'm lazy eh bs not satisfactory

right so don't let your mind get away with zero reasons and don't let it get away with five reasons try to find the thing and understand that your compass for finding what's holding you back is that the real compass is that it's in the opposite direction of where your compass points. So if your mind goes one way, what you need to do is look in the opposite way. You need to head south

when your compass is pointing north. That's where you'll find the answers. I'm watching this instead of doing my homework. Okay, so now do your homework because we're done for the day, right? Let's think about, anybody have a suggestion for who we should raid?