HealthyGamerGG - How to Start Living Your Own Life

Episode Date: June 17, 2022

Dr. K talks about how to stop living the life your parents want you to, and start doing what YOU want to do! Dr. K also talks about cultural expectations, unrealistic expectations, and inner-critical-parents. Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Are Beta, I don't know. You can't, you go to Germany. I don't know. I cannot live for one second without you. You're my baby boy. You are my one child. That's not what the inner critical parent says. That's what the parent actually says, right? We love you so much. And so then like, it makes you feel bad. You feel guilty. And then what happens is like something subtle happens. Okay, so stay with me. I don't know if I'm going to be able to explain this. But as you feel guilty, you get angry at them. Because you're like, they're not letting me live my life. because the advice is you only have one life, bro, you've got to live it. But I want to go to Germany. Like, I'm studying Germany. German. Like, I want to go to Germany.

I don't want to go to the U.T. UK. I don't want a government job. I don't want those things. And then if you get angry at them, if you start to feel guilty, if you start to push back, look at how ungrateful you are. You piece of crap. How could you not make your parents happy?

They're your only chance. They've sacrificed so much. What the hell is wrong with you? You stupid kid. That's where the fuel for the inner critical voice comes in. How do I transcend my critical inner parents? Hi, I 20M am an undergraduate student in a South Asian nation. I live at home with my parents and travel to and from for university.

Context, I'm an only child. My parents were overprotective, and they expect me to be with them, take care of them, until death does us part. I'm a so-called gifted child. I hate to use the word, but it is relevant, so I have to use it. so not only do they expect an impeccable career, but also an impeccable social life. I.e. marriage to a good household, kids, yada, yada, yada. I am basically my parents' redemption arc for all the things they couldn't do slash accomplish. Problem. I feel burdened by the weight of

expectations. Expectations that are not only theirs, but mine as well, because I have been indoctrinated to expect real high from myself. There are these inner parents in me that are very toxic and since I will be staying home for almost another three years until I finish my uni, it seems very difficult to be healthy given my constant exposure to them. A conflict of the acutist nature. Do I become the archetypal good boy or dare to do what I want want to do and be cut off and completely alone? I know the typical answer, bro, there's one life, bro, yolo, do what you want, bro, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada. I love that. The problem is much deeper than that because my parents are literally inside me criticizing every wrong step I take,

commenting on my every imperfection downplaying my passion slash emotion. I am basically in a psychological prison guarded by my parents. Antiquet. The other day my father saw me learning German and he asked me why. I said I wanted to go to Germany for graduate studies. The next day he comes home and during dinner goes on a lecture about how Germany doesn't have any scope for what I am studying and that I must go to the UK instead. Then he said, better stay in the country and take up a government job. It's got good prestige and you will be with us. Then my mother added emotionally, I can't live without you for one second. Therefore, you must succeed in the place where we are planning to spend our old age. What do I do? I like to believe that the sheer acknowledgement of all this

shows that I'm in the right path, Dr. Kay's words. However, acknowledgement and awareness is one thing, which is very important, but practicality is another thing. I want to grow to become a healthy adult who is not afraid to take a stand, to transcend the familial and societal norms, or dare to be in conflict with my parents if that's what is necessary. Basically, I do not want to be my parents' perfect slave forever. It ain't easy being Asian. Now, when I say something like that,

a lot of people will say, well, it ain't easy being of my ethnicity. And I don't mean to say that being Asian is harder than any other ethnicity. But these are things that I've struggled with myself. And like, this is a common problem, right? Like, culturally, it's like, it makes sense. So let's try to understand this. So the first thing is that oftentimes in particular cultures, we are, as this person beautifully put it.

By the way, the person has a talent for words, especially for what I assume is a second, English is a second language, right? Not primary English speaker, but they're way of a way with words. So they are their parents' redemption arc, right? So sometimes in life, our parents place so much on us.

The only child. So as they say so beautifully, burdened by the weight of expectations, not only yours, Like, your own expectations are hard enough to carry. But, like, you're carrying these other two people's expectations as well. And it's not just expectations that you're carrying, right? You're also their insurance.

You're their method of exit. You're their path to comfort. You're the source of their needs. Not just financial needs, because they're planning on living together. But I can't live without you for one second. therefore you must succeed in the place where we are planning to spend our old age. Because they're all relying on you solely for their emotional needs. So you're carrying all of this.

You're carrying expectation. You're carrying, you know, all this kind of stuff. And then you internalize it. And this may seem kind of interesting because, you know, I'm not hearing that this person's parents are actually as abusive as the inner critical parents. Do you all get that? Like, so they have critical inner parents, which seem to be a little bit different from the way that their parents actually treat them,

which is kind of confusing. So what's going on there? And ultimately, like, this person ends up in this conflict where, you know, like, do I live my own life? Do I follow the typical answer, which is there's one life, bro, live it for yourself? And they can kind of say, like, okay, like, awareness and acknowledgement is important,

but like, what do I actually do about this, right? I can understand this, and this person's done a good job. They've given us context. They've given us the problem. They've sort of, like, shared an anecdote. They've laid it out so well. But, like, at the end of the day, like, Dr. K is saying, like, awareness, awareness, awareness. But, like, I still have to live with these people.

I still have to figure out, like, what am I going to do about this? How do I manage these expectations of being a gifted child, of the pressure I put on myself, of the responsibility I have to take care of them? And that's another tricky thing, right? So, like, what am I actually responsible for? Because what this person, the responsibility that they're being given may be different from what they actually feel. I can't live without you for a second, his mother says. So does that mean that this person is responsible for being with their mom every second?

Is this person solely responsible for their mother's happiness and contentment? There's a lot going on here. And how do we think through it? So the first thing that we're going to talk about, are the inner critical parents. So it may seem kind of weird, but the inner, the voice of our parents that we internalize can be one of two things. It can either be the actual voice of our parents, so we sort of learn our self dialogue from what we are explicitly told. We're conditioned to say these things to ourself, and then we start saying them to ourselves.

But usually, when I think about inner self-dialogue that comes directly from conditioning, usually the source of the conditioning is a little bit more distant. I don't know if that makes sense. But if I grow up in an abusive household, let's say, and I leave at the age of 21, the voice that I carry with me outside of that household is that old voice. I carry it with me. And it's sort of the same. what can happen actually especially in these kinds of households is when I'm actually still with the people

the inner critical voice is actually what your parents don't say it's what's left unsaid that you fill in the gaps i know it sounds kind of weird right but your parents may not be quite as harsh with you as you are with yourself so you sort of interpret and you kind of lead read between the lines, and your mom will never say, you're a terrible son for leaving me emotionally alone. What she'll do is make these emotionally manipulative statements that then manifest within you is like an internally harsh voice. How dare you?

Right? It's kind of like, if you guys know basketball, it's sort of like the layup, where like everything gets set up by your parents and that final part of the inner critical voice is actually the part that they don't say that you fill in the gaps. You finish it off. You cross the T's and dot the eyes. Do you all get that? So it's the stuff that your parents don't actually say. And that's why it's the nastiest stuff of all. Right. And so it's kind of interesting because like it's not actually what they've conditioned you. In a weird way, it's sort of what they've conditioned you to think. But it's not direct. So I think that this is where like sometimes the

self-dialogue that we have is like directly conditioned from what we are told. in directly abusive situations. But what we tend to find is that in non-directly abusive situations and in manipulative situations, the harshest critic is actually your internal voice. Because your parents would never go quite that far or they do so rarely. And then you kind of fill in the gaps and you kind of carry it with you. Now, this makes it very, very difficult to deal with because if someone says something to you, there is at least the possibility of some kind of response or conversation or no, screw you, or let's talk about it, let's patch things up.

The reason that this kind of inner critical voice is so devastating is because nothing is actually said like this. So there's no chance for like argument. There's no chance for apology. There's no chance for resolution. So you're kind of stuck with this thing that like feels impervious. Right? Because if your parents actually said this stuff to you.

then it would be clear that they're mistreating you. It would be clear that it's abusive. And if it's abusive, then you can fight back. You can say, screw you, you're abusive. I'm going to go live my own life. But they don't say that. What do they say instead? I can't live for a second.

Oh, my, beta. I cannot live for one second without you. How are you arguing against it? What are you like, is that abusive? Are, babya, I don't know. You can't, you go to Germany. I don't know. I cannot live for one second without you.

You're my baby boy. You are my one child. I've given my whole life for you. I'm making chapatis until two in the morning. I'm making everything. I love you so much. You are so perfect. You're so smart and so beautiful.

And you're going to have kids one day. And it's going to be beautiful. We all live together and be happy. and I love you so much. I cannot bear to be without you for one moment. That's not what the inner critical parent says. That's what the parent actually says, right? We love you so much.

They're looking out for you. They have the best of intentions. And so then like, it makes you feel bad, right? You feel guilty. Because you're like, my parents have given so much for me. I'm their only hope. I'm their redemption arc. And then you feel guilty.

And then what happens is like something subtle happens. Okay, so stay with me. I don't know if I'm going to be able to explain this. But as you feel guilty, you get angry at them. Because you're like, they're not letting me live my life, right? Because the advice is you only have one life, bro, you've got to live it. But I want to go to Germany. Like, I'm studying Germany.

German. Like, I want to go to the U.S. U.K. I don't want a government job. I don't want those things. And they want those things for you. And then if you get angry at them, if you start to feel guilty, if you start to push back, that's where the fuel for the inner critical voice comes in. Look at how ungrateful you are. You piece of crap. How could you not make your

parents happy? They're your only chance. They've sacrificed so much. What the hell is wrong with you? You stupid kid. How dare you the fuel for the inner critical voice? And it's so much more harsh than your parents actually are. Y'all get that? So oftentimes, our parents will position us, they'll manipulate us, they'll scoot us, right?

It's kind of like you're playing a game of chess where, like, they put your king in check, and then you have to move, and then they move it again, check. You move again, check, check, and you're moving, they're pushing you into a corner, pushing you into a corner,

and you can't fight back against it because your king is threatened and you just have to move it. We love you so much, but, oh, baby, we love you. You're so smart. All this positivity, positivity, positivity, that's closing off your future,

one door at a time. And you feel yourself getting pushed into the corner. And then you get angry with them because, like, what is this crap? And then you beat yourself up because you're not allowed to be angry with them. How dare you be angry with them? What the hell is wrong with you? Inner critical voice spawns. Because the truth is you were raised probably in a society where, like,

there's a different set of value. So let's talk about that for a second. So here in the West, we think that the individual surpasses the group. Independence matters most. Freedom, choice. Other people don't get to tell me what to do, right? That's what we believe. It's your life. You only get one. You should live it for your benefit. That's oftentimes what it is. The individual matters more than the group. And that's where this is kind of challenging because there's sort of like a culture clash here. Because in the culture that I grew up in, I don't, to a certain degree, like I'm always hesitant to generalize because obviously there's a bunch of, you can't sort of stereotype. But at the same time, there are like shared cultural phenomenon, which have been scientifically studied and validated and stuff like that. Right.

So perceptions of mental health, perceptions of independence, perceptions of values. use of community over independence. Because your parents are coming from a generation because for like the last 500 years in India, or I don't know if you're from India, it could be Pakistan or any other South Asian nation. Right? Bangladesh, who knows? Sri Lanka.

But, you know, for these cultures, like the family unit is paramount. So you do what needs to be done for the sake of the family. And so it's like really challenging because like what are your parents going to do if you leave. They don't know what to do. They don't know how to be independent. Like, that's just not something that they've ever learned. So this is where I think the person makes a good point that, like, awareness acknowledgement is great, but like, what am I actually going to do with my parents? Like, what am I going to do with them if I leave? Like, how are they going to like, what are they going to do all day? Right? And this is where I'd love to say, like, it should start with a conversation,

but I think that's going to be hard. But it is, it is very challenging. Like, the situation that you're in doesn't have an easy answer. Because what's going to happen is in order for you to like, like you're going to have to rip yourself to a certain degree from the family for your own independence. And that's going to be traumatic for them. And this is the kind of situation where there isn't, you know, I do think that there's like a peaceful resolution here, but it isn't pretty and it isn't easy. So I think that this is where like, this is the challenge of like South Asian kids or East Asian kids. Or, you know, even kids from Mexico, as I learned recently.

These are not just, these are, these are sort of like Asian stereotypes, but apply to people from Nigeria and like, even like several Caucasian nations struggle with this. So if it applies to you, fantastic.

I mean, sucks for you, but we're going to try to help you. Right? We're like, how do you explain to your parents like what's going on? Like, how do you understand this?

So the first is, I think you should understand that, you know, they are placing unrealistic expectations on you. And I think having a conversation around that is very important. So it's kind of talking to them, like, just asking like open-ended questions about, you know, so I'm thinking that you guys are assuming that we're going to have a joint family.

And you may not even be able to say that. Like, they may, like, tear your head off, right? Because I was lucky enough at least to grow up in the U.S. where joint, like some people of my generation live in joint families and like some people don't. So if the joint family thing is not really doable, you can sort of talk to them a little bit about, you know, you talk about, so I'd start with something simple like prestige. So when your dad says you should get a good government job because it has good prestige. And so you should ask them, you know, what is the value of prestige?

help me understand why prestige is a good thing. You know, just like start to ask questions. And this is where, like, I think for a lot of people, like, asking questions is the best way to sort of get them to question their beliefs. Just trying to understand. So dad explained to me, like, help me understand, like, how, you know, if I had one job that paid twice as much and had less prestige and I had another job that paid, you know, half as much, but had good prestige, which one would you advise that I, take. It's also good because what you should do is like toss in money because chances are that's going to be an important variable as well. Right? And just listen to your listen to what your has to say. Try to understand it. Try to learn it. Because they have a good perspective.

And if your mom says, you know, I don't know what I would do without you. And that's where you can say like, yeah, it sounds like, you know, you really want to be close to me. I'm kind of curious because, you know, I don't know. I mean, because getting a good job with good prestige, like getting a job like outside of this country, like going to the UK, you may not be able to come with me right away. There may be time that I'm farther apart from you. That may be a reality. So this is where I know it's kind of sneaky, but what I would really recommend is like, is the end of day, like, you all may need some practical advice, right, how to deal with parents. So what I would do is use their values against their values. So point out to them that you may have to leave, right?

So like, there are the values. Like going to the UK, ah, He's going to UK. He's going to U.S. to do masters. Very nice. Right? It's like use money. Use prestige.

Use leaving your country. Use it. Use all of it. Put them all against each other. And see what floats to the top? So you can say, yeah. Like, what if I do graduate school in the UK? Like, dad is suggesting.

What are you going to do? Like, we better start thinking about that, right? Because I love you and I care about you. but what are you saying? And then if you really want to, you can even go next level. You know, like, I don't actually recommend this, but. So many years ago, I had a teacher when I was training in psychiatry who gave me a really interesting piece of feedback.

And she said, Alok, use your power for good, not evil. And I kind of laughed, but I realized that it was actually very authentic feedback, because here's what the evil me would do. Oh, mom, I'll never leave you. I don't need to go to the UK. I don't even need to go to graduate school. The most important thing is family. And I'll just get a simple government job.

It may not make very much money. I may not be able to get a very prestigious marriage, but I'll stay here with you. Because that's the most important thing, right? I don't actually think you should do that. But if you want to play, because that's the emotional manipulation. like I grew up in these households

with this kind of crap happened because here's the thing like Asian parents you know what their Trump card is their Trump card y'all want some knowledge here their Trump card is the crucifix card

they love the crucifix card this is the oh I've sacrificed everything for you I'm suffering so much all for your sake Oh my God The Crucifix card Mom I want to go to the UK

and learn things and go have an end I want to go have fun Crucifix And then like the crucifix card fuels the guilt it fuels the anger It fuels the frustration with yourself I gave birth to you It was so painful

Thank you very much Sherer Warlock So what you can do is you can play the crucifix card No no no I would never leave the country I couldn't do that martyr complex well said right so you can i mean i don't think you should because i think that just like like if if you want to go toe to toe with the crucifix card you've got to be careful because chances are they've been they've been playing it longer than you have and know how to use it better than

you do i don't think emotional manipulation it can succeed but i don't think it's healthy i don't think it leads you in the right direction right so that's where like i would start by just having conversations with them and really ask them for all the values that they kind of, this is kind of weird, but like the reason that it's really hard is because you have a bunch of values, they're imposing all the values on you. And then you feel like you have to live up to these 16 different expectations, which is impossible to live up to. Right.

That's why it's so paralyzing because it's like, I got to be professionally successful. I got to get a job with prestige. I got to have a joint family. I got to be mama's boy for the rest of my life. You know? Like at some point, I want to stop wearing diapers, but then what is my mom going to do? How is she going to feel like she's worth something in this world? So instead of trying to live up to those thousand different expectations,

start putting them against each other. Respectfully with your parents. What's more important? I'm being pulled in a thousand different directions. Which one should I pick? And hopefully through that conversation, a couple of things will happen. first is that your parents will sort of recognize that, like, you can't do it all. And then if they stop thinking that you can do it all, then hopefully you will start realizing

that you can't do it all, nor that you need to do it all. There's a priority list. The problem with expectations from Asian parents is that they don't give you priorities. They just give you checkboxes, and it's all of the above. Right? There's not, like, you don't get to not do something for the sake of something else. You don't get to choose between math and piano. You got to do them both.

You can choose between piano and violin, but you don't get to choose between a 4.0 GPA and other things. No, it's like all of the above, all of the above all the time. You're our emotional support. You're our financial support. You're our hopes. You're our dreams. You're our redemption.

You're our insurance. You're everything to us. because we have sacrificed everything for you, right? And so I don't know that they can handle the questions that really need to be asked. Like, you know, here's the wild thing. Do you wish your life was different? What did you have to sacrifice to get here? Right?

Like, they're not going to be able to handle this kind of question. It takes many, many years of therapy to get Indian parents to get to this place. But there may have been some sacrifices for the sake of your kids that, weren't worth it. They're not going to be ready for that for years, right? It's kind of tricky. It's always worth it. So I'd start with like priorities. And then there's also some stuff about like limit setting and things like that, which I don't think that it's going to be easy for you to implement. But I would start with priorities. I think that's where like the real, that's like the best way to start conversations with Asian parents. It's not nearly enough. But, so,

sort of asking them, okay, what's more important? When you say that going to Germany, like, doesn't have good options for my field, where do you get that idea? Well, chances are they're going to say that because someone in their social circle believes that. That's going to be the answer. I doubt they've actually done the research. Where Sorensor San went to UK, and he has a very good job now. That's right.

Okay. So what you're telling me is based on the experience of one person, you're telling me that I should not go to Germany. Don't argue with them. Just make sure you understand what they're saying. No, but everyone goes to UK. UK, you will be better. It'll be better. I can tell you. Lots of good opportunity in UK. How much do you understand about the opportunity in Germany? There's not much. How do you know that? Well, we don't know anyone who's gone to Germany. Oh, I see. So because we don't know anyone who's done it, that means that there's nothing worth it there.

Right? Just clarify for them. And then chances are what they'll do is they'll try to like, I don't know how to say this. They'll try to squeeze out of it. They're going to be slippery. They're like, okay, fine, you can go to Germany if you want. I didn't say, I mean, I know I talked early about wanting to go to Germany.

I'm not saying that I'm going to Germany. I'm just wondering how you understand what the opportunity in Germany is. No, go. Fine. You want to go? Go. Do what you want. I'm confused. Like, you seem upset. Did I... Did I say something wrong? I'm just trying to understand, because you seem very confident that I should go to the UK and Germany. I'm just trying to understand how. I'd like to learn from you, Papa. I'd like to learn from you, Card. Because sometimes if you ask questions, they don't have a leg to stand on. They're going to get upset. Okay? That's more Sith Lord Dr. K version. Like, that's enough. to get you started. I think we should, maybe we do Dr. Kay's guide of talking to Asian parents.

But like, they're going to like respond emotionally, right? So you're going to like calm down. You're not going to take the bait. You're going to be like, oh, I was just trying to understand. It seems like my questions are upsetting you. I just wanted to learn why the UK was better than Germany. And what I'm hearing is that we know a lot of people who have gone to the UK and we don't know many people who've gone to Germany. That's okay, right? Doesn't mean that. We're not settling on UK and we're not settling on Germany, but you have sort of opened the door a little bit. In the conversation, there was kind of like this very, very, like, unfortunate concession of, okay, fine, you go to Germany. We're not going to take that bait, but we're glad it was offered, even though it's like a bitter, it's like a poison pill.

It's like, go ahead, eat your piece of cake. It's laced with cyanide. So you don't want to take it, right? You want to be respectful and be like, oh, no, no, no, that's fine. you know so like start conversations talk about priorities ask questions you're 20 years old you know you're gonna like you're gonna have a couple years before you can cut the umbilical cord you don't need to do it when you're 20 you've got three years right you're still in university so start the conversations today keep having them and over time hopefully what'll happen

is they'll start to respect you they'll start to respect your way of thinking and then you can start to ask them questions, right? You can start to ask them questions about, like, what you should do and, like, frame them options. There's subtle things that you can do, and that's where your mom will be. So you can say, like, mom, I'm thinking about, you know, applying to graduate school in the UK, because dad told me to, and also in Germany. But I'm trying to figure out, like, are you going to be okay if I go study abroad? How are we going to handle that? Like, what are we going to do about that? And so you can approach. You can approach. You. You can approach. things from a problem solving aspect. Where as long as you kind of like acknowledge their values, you can still like move the life in the way that you want to. And at some point, you may actually have to like say no to things. But I think that that this is a couple of advantages about Asian culture, which is that Asian culture is conflict avoidant and face saving.

So as long as you give people an out and you give them like the opportunity to play the crucifix card, like you'll like you can navigate it. It's doable. And what do I mean by that? oh, mom, it's going to be so hard for you if I go to the UK. You know, I know you've given your entire life and then like you're not even going to be able to see me for like six months at a stretch. That's going to be so difficult. Like, how are you going to survive?

Here's a crucifix card. Take it. Take it. Play it. Oh, it's going to be so hard. I know, mom. Thank you so much for your sacrifice. I love you so much.

Guys got it? Does that make sense? So it's doable. Now, the biggest challenge. which we've got to say is that I'm having a conversation with a fictitious person, right? I'm having a, I'm playing chess against myself. So I can, I can, I can show you whatever brilliant maneuvers I want to. The parents that you're talking to may not be as compliant is the fictitious ones I make up. Right? And at the same time, as Skull Glacier is saying,

it's so weird how Asian parents act the same. So I'm telling you guys, I think this can work. Like, it's doable. You just got to, you got to just, like, take it slow. Use things like priorities. If they want to play the crucifix card, let them play it. Give it to them. Let them play it for your sake. Right?

And then you acknowledge their sacrifice and you express appreciation. And then when you come from the UK or Germany or whatever, you bring whatever prestige, whatever plus 10 to prestige handbag you want to. Because hopefully you're going to be in a financial position where you can bring back gifts. And not only because you're a smart person, what you're going to do is not only bring back gifts for your parents, you're going to bring back gifts for your parents' friends for whom social status and prestige is very important so that when you go to the UK, like, your parents will be able to, like, show off. Right? And they're like, oh, like, my beautiful beta brought you.

He brought you purse as well. It's not as big as the one he brought me, but he brought you something. And it's better than your stupid kid is going to get you. Right? So, like, you can navigate it. Right? Y'all get me? African parents' moment? Like, yeah.

So I've heard this from my friends who are Nigerian as well. I just don't have too many friends from too many different parts of Africa. Like, Nigeria and South Africa are the two places. But, right? And this is where, like, Scallon is saying, like, this is how you got to play the game. So here's the thing. Like, you know, I hate to say this, but, you know, like this person, says, like, acknowledgement and awareness is one thing, but practicality is another. Okay? And that's

the truth of it. And this is where like when we're talking about social interactions, like we can teach all how to have a conversation, but sometimes like you got to learn this stuff. Like this is the kind of crap that we teach to people who are executives at companies. Right? There's like, there's a lot of this like stuff that you have to understand about human behavior. It's the way that it is. And you can try to have super-churchase. And you can try to have super challenging conversations. You can go yola. You can say, no, this is my life. I'm going to do what I want to. And you may feel fine doing that. Like a lot of people will cheer you on. You live your life. Forget about everyone else. Like set your boundaries, like enforce them harshly and everyone else can go fuck themselves.

That's not how I don't think that that's, I mean, that can be healthy up to a point. So you can set boundaries, but you've got these tools at your disposal as well. So this is where like understand, you know, your parents value system. Understand what matters. to them, understand how to have conversations with them. You don't want to be defiant. You don't want to be rebellious because then they'll pull out the big guns and they'll kind of like put you in your place and the emotional blackmail will go through the roof and you'll crumble. And then you'll be like, it'll be this toxic, resentful kind of relationship. But honestly, there are ways to navigate this where you are happy and they are happy. Like, there are ways to do it. Now, it's all theoretical

because I've never met your parents. I've never met you. I have no idea like what of this stuff will actually work, because I don't know. But I do think that, like, considering these things, like, it's not about, you know, I can't tell you sitting here on the internet what's going to work for you. But what I can do is show you a couple of chess openings, right? And then you can take these chess openings and you can decide, okay, like, which of these is going to work the best for me. The least we can do is equip you with understanding of why your inner critical voice is so bad. And that if you want to deal with your inner critical voice, which you need to look at is your feelings of guilt and anger at yourself for not wanting to be what your parents want you to be.

You may need to rewind and watch that sentence again or listen to that sentence. Right? Because it was quite a mouthful, but. Right? Because you feel guilty and angry because you don't want to be what they want you to be. And then you feel guilty for not wanting to be that because they've given up so much for you. And then that emotion is the fuel for the criticism. Because how dare you? and so there's a whole internal component which we can talk about. But at the end of the day, your parents are human beings that you're going to have to set limits with, you're going to have to have conversations with.

So we'd like to at least equip you with a couple of openings. And also, I can guarantee you that the conversations are not going to go the way that they did here today, me talking to myself and my fictitious parent. But one thing that I can say is that I've worked with a lot of people from South Asian, East Asian, African, less so Latino, but a couple households, people who have to set expectations with their family members. And it does work. Like, you'll find a way. Right? Like, keep at it. Don't give up hope. Believe in yourself. Questions. Samosa person says this feels too real. I know. And what a perfect name, Samosa person. Gee, I wonder where you're from.

Amir age 12, how are parents' expectations even justified, considering you didn't even ask to be born? So I hate to say something that may seem a little harsh, but expectations don't have to be justified. The truth is they place them on you. You've got to deal with them either way. Right? Like, I have no idea what's justified or what isn't, but what I can tell you is that people do all kinds of crap that isn't justified. You still live in the world where you have to deal with unjustified crap. And it's incredibly frustrating when people put you in places that are not fair. Like, that sucks. And you still have to deal with it.

So I'd like, you know, aside from some amount of understandable resentment and frustration, the justification, they don't care about the lack of justification, right? They may have various justifications. Like, there are arguments to be made. but I don't find that those arguments tend to hold a whole lot of water, right? Because you're always saying you didn't even ask to be born. Well, neither did they. That's just the way of things.

So it's tough. But I don't know that the expectations are justified, but they can still be placed on you and you still have to deal with them. Cubita goes to saying, my parents are Cuban and sacrificed their upper class life's, upper class life to come here when I was young. I was gifted a 4.0 student going to J.HU. I've been learning these techniques for the past few years. it's been rough, it is rough, right? And that's where hopefully what you can do is acknowledge their

sacrifice and at the same time recognize, because this is the really hard thing, their sacrifice does not necessitate your obedience, but their sacrifice should absolutely be honored and you should express gratitude. That's what's so tricky here, is that your mom can sacrifice for you, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you have to live life her way, but you should absolutely like credit her for that, right? And even to a certain degree, like if she sacrificed a lot for you, I personally think that, you know, my parents' emotional needs are my responsibility. Like, I feel responsible for that. And so even if it causes me some amount of discomfort or unhappiness or whatever, like I try to take care of my parents because I know they take care

of me. And that's what reciprocal relationship is like. The problem is that when we have debt, when we are indebted to our parents, there's an assumption that there's only one way to pay back that debt. Oh, since I sacrificed so much for you, we're going to be joint family, we're going to live with you, it's going to be great, we're going to do this, this, this, this, this, we're going to map out your entire life and we need you to live it. And if you don't live up to all of these 15 things, that means you are not expressing gratitude. I disagree with that. That's where there's like option C. There's like some amount of compromise. You can express gratitude. It's where the bags come in. right? You can do a lot for your parents expressing their gratitude, not setting firm boundaries

with like, not set like harsh boundaries, I should say. It's okay to set firm boundaries, but like not defaulting to boundary setting because there's an emotional component here. You can express love and affection for your parents and you can, you know, and at the same time, like tell them, hey, like, I'm not comfortable doing everything that you're asking me to. And even at some point, this is a late stage question. They're not going to be able to handle this for the first couple of years, but is it possible for, you know, me to pay back that debt in a way that is not obedience? Is obedience the only way to pay back a debt? And that's where, like, if you can ever have that conversation with your parents, it could be very productive. Because that's the

assumption is because we did all of this stuff for you, you have to do all of this stuff for us. Whereas, like, there's like wiggle room there, right? Fluorescent Pickle says, you were talking like I should care about their expectations in the first place. What stops me from just walking away from them? Nothing. So this is where, you know, I have a presumption that maintaining a relationship is important to you. So the advice that I'm kind of giving, if advice is what you call it, is like, I'm not hearing

from the post, you know, so even the poster sort of says, so I'm kind of operating on these assumptions. I know the typical answer is, bro, there's one life, Yolo, do what you want. yada, yada, yada. But you can even look at the, you know, the sarcastic tone of this. What this tells me is that this is not an acceptable course of action for this person at this time, right? This person isn't saying, I do not want to be my parents' perfect slave forever, but they're not saying, how do I cut off all contact with parents? The presumption I'm getting from this post is that they want to maintain a relationship. So if you don't want to maintain a relationship, that's totally fine. You can just walk away.

You don't have to F them in their expectations. But I think for a lot of people out there, they want to find a way to navigate the relationship without torpedoing it. And I'm all for firm boundary setting. We've even taught about how to set boundaries. Like, it's very important to do that. But I also think that, like, if relationships are important towards you, there are ways to navigate it. It's not nuclear option is the only button. If you want to walk away, walk away.

By all means, if that's emotionally the right thing for you, like, go for it. But if you don't want to walk away and you want to figure out some way to maintain some kind of relationship, that's an option too. It just requires more work.