HealthyGamerGG - How to Start to Find Purpose in Your Life

Episode Date: September 22, 2022

In this episode, Dr. K talks about finding purpose, fluctuations of the mind, what you are working towards in life, and more! Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If we live a life of hedonism, we're going to feel empty, we're going to feel guilty, we're going to feel ashamed of ourselves, I'm not doing anything with my life, I'm going to feel like other people are like good and like I'm like a waste of space and all this kind of stuff. I have no dreams or aspirations and I can't find anything that interests me. No experience in posting online stuff, but I will try to be as short and concise as possible. Generally, most people I know would say I have a pretty good life. I'm pretty happy with myself and my personality, have a good family, and a good group of friends. The only problem is I simply is simply that I can't find any job, degree, or field that I can work with for more than a month without hating everything about it. Being somewhat easygoing, I first thought that the solution would be to try out new things until I find something I can be happy doing. I've studied for multiple different degrees and worked a whole lot of jobs in my search for something over the past five years, but have never found anything I find even remotely fun or interesting.

Every single day that I have spent working slash studying so far have been nothing but tiresome and excruciatingly painful. In the beginning, I was motivated to find my place in the world. Now I'm beginning to doubt that it even exists. As a result, my mental health has been deteriorating to the point where I spend my time after work and weekends doing almost nothing but laying in bed, staring at the ceiling. I have no motivation to go out to meet new people or start a relationship or other things that I actually want to do. I believe I might be depressed, but I don't want to prescribe any sort of illness to myself without talking to a doctor or psychiatrist first. Good, smart. Without going into detail, that is currently not an option, nor will it be for some time. That's sad and unfortunate. My current job was yet another attempt at finding something that might catch my interest. However, it has turned out to be the worst one so far, as I have to work a painful amount of overtime to fulfill my duties. I'm currently in contact with someone who has offered me a job within a new feat. but I will have to endure my current job for almost a year until I can start working there. If it turns out to be as bad as everything else, I have tried so far, I have absolutely no idea what to do.

I can feel that I am quickly running out of gas and I think my next job is the last attempt I get before giving up on everything and start living on state welfare while lying in bed 24-7. I have no requirements when it comes to salary, location, or status, only that I can find something I can enjoy at least every now and then. What am I supposed to do? Keep searching until I inevitably burn out? Am I perhaps failing to deal with the problem at its root while focusing only on the symptoms? Any help is appreciated. So sometimes we get into this situation where we don't like any work. We're looking for our place in the world, right?

There's a place. There's a you-shaped hole out there somewhere that only you can fill. And we go looking for it. And each thing that we try is not something that we find happy. Like we're not filled with happiness and joy. And so, like, we're like, okay, this is not for me. And it becomes excruciatingly painful because I don't enjoy it, right? It's not fun.

And then people out there may say, like, oh, but a job isn't supposed to be fun, right? You're supposed to suffer. Kind of true and kind of like really bad, right? Because, I mean, if that's true, does that mean that I essentially have to sign up for a life that's excruciatingly painful? And there's something really insidious about that because if we sort of assume that a job is not supposed to be fun, and we kind of write off peace or enjoyment or excitement in a job because we say, oh, it's like, like just not a possibility. Then we could be writing something off that's very, very significant, right? So what do you do in this situation where you've tried a bunch of things? And it's not just

jobs, right? It's also degrees, right? Like, oh, I'm going to try to figure out what I want to do with my life. So I'm going to study this. That's not fun. I'm going to try something else. That's not fun. I'm going to try something else. That's not fun. And then what do I do? Like, how do you move forward? Because the more that you pull yourself out of the hole, because let's understand like how you get into the hole for a second, right? So as I try something and I don't enjoy it, try something and I don't enjoy it, I try something and I don't enjoy it. What am I doing to myself? Am I getting any kind of positive reinforcement for going out there and trying? No, of course not. Every time I try, it's like an epic fail. Excruciatingly painful, as this person puts it.

So then what is my brain doing? It's telling me, why are you wasting your time going out there and trying something? Like, clearly there's nothing positive that's reinforcing this behavior. So then as your brain is starting to tell you, don't bother, i.e. lay in bed all day. You have to use willpower to overcome a lack of reinforcement. So you go out there and once more into the breach and then like, that's not fun and you come back. And so then you, without any kind of positive reinforcement, you end up using willpower over and over and over again.

Then you end up burning out and it becomes easier to lay in bed. So how do you overcome this situation? So this is going to sound kind of weird, but we're actually going to take an approach that's like really, really like, in a sense, simple, but quite profound and also quite old. We're going to dig into what is like the nature of happiness, enjoyment, pleasure, and pain. Like, how do these things work?

And it turns out that there's actually one phrase, which will sort of explain all of this stuff and also how to navigate forward, like how to move forward. So we sort of talk about happiness as something that's elusive and difficult to understand or like hard to find. Like, what is the meaning of happiness? It turns out that there was this guy named Patanjali who lived maybe about 2,000 to 3,000 years ago, who figured it out. And he said one thing, which is yoga chita vrutta nirotah. Okay? And that may be like, what on earth does that mean? So I'll translate it for you.

Yoga, which means union. In this case, we're going to kind of talk about peace and contentment. So peace, happiness, and contentment comes from cessation of fluctuations of the mind. So when our mind stops fluctuating, that's when we'll be at peace. So the first thing that I'm going to ask y'all is like, when you're in an excruciatingly painful work situation, what is your mind doing? Chances are it's going to be having lots of thoughts. Okay. So this is something that we're going to illustrate using a diagram.

So this is something that's like really simple, actually. But we just never discuss it. Like we don't actually teach this. But even just out of this one sort of insight from a yogi, a meditator, basically, we're going to learn a lot about how to fix this. Okay. So let's understand this. Okay.

So remember we said yoga, chitta, vrutti, nirodh. Which means union or peace is attained by cessation of fluctuations in the mind. So let's understand this principle. And you're like, what does this have to do with finding happiness in life? Let's talk about it, okay?

Let's say that my mind is still. So when I'm enjoying myself, I know it sounds kind of weird, but there's going to actually be like stillness of the mind. So let's say that like I'm meditating, right? So when I'm meditating and if I'm in a good meditative session,

my mind is still. When I'm watching a sunset sitting on the beach and just like vibing, my mind is still. When I'm like, let's say I'm go to a party and I'm dancing and I'm having a good time, like my mind isn't going to be filled with thoughts. Now let's look at something like boredom. So if I'm sitting somewhere and I start to get bored, what happens to my mind?

My mind starts to fluctuate. Okay? So as I get bored, I think about this thing. I think about this thing. I think about this thing. I go over here. I start thinking in all these different directions. And if I dislike my job or if I dislike what I'm studying, what's going to happen.

My mind is going to start thinking in a bunch of different ways. I'm going to create more fluctuations in the moment. mind. And the more fluctuations I create in the mind, the more unhappy I become. So I have a question for you. If you're in this situation, you can do a simple experiment, which is when you go to a place where you're not enjoying yourself, notice what your mind is doing. Is there a bunch of activity in your mind? Because chances are, there is. How long do I have to do this? Oh, man, I can't believe if I have to do this. This sucks. I don't want to be here. I want to be somewhere else. I don't like this person. This isn't fun. Am I ever going to find something? How do I find? What am I going to do? How do I find this?

Should I keep looking? Should I not keep looking? All of those are fluctuations of the mind. It's all not being at peace. So I'll give you all another example to illustrate this. Let's say my mind is peace, at peace. And then I smell chicken nuggets. I smell some nuggies.

Suddenly, I have a desire. And there's a fluctuation of the mind. I'm no longer at peace because I smell something. And then I start thinking about nuggies. I want the nuggy. I want to eat the nuggy. I want the nuggy. Oh my God, it's so good.

And then if I eat the nuggy, what happens in my mind? So experiment number two, next time you have a designee. desire, what does it do to your mind? It creates a fluctuation. It starts to create thoughts. I want a nugget. Am I going to be able to afford it? Is it healthy for me? Is it unhealthy for me? Oh my God, if I eat it, I'm going to, it's not good for my health. It creates guilt. I worry about finances. I've got food at home. So many fluctuations of the mind. Do you all see that? And with each of these fluctuations, am I happy? Am I at peace? No. Now what happens if I eat the nuggy? As I eat the nuggy, I experience enjoyment. My mind calms

Right? Oh man, that nuggy's so good. I'm just sitting there. I'm enjoying it. So now we've returned to the baseline of the mind and we've become content, but only for so long, right? Because then what happens? There's another fluctuation. I'm unhealthy. This thought pops up and then your peace is destroyed. Do you all see this? So potentially figured it out. Any fluctuation of the mind is going to lead to a lack of peace. And so what tends to happen in our life is we have desires. We have all these desires. And the only way that we know how to bring our mind back to is to fulfill our desires. That's why we fulfill our desires. So the problem, though, is that even when we fulfill our desires, by eating Nuggies, this doesn't, it's not a sustainable solution, because this will result, if we live a life of hedonism, we're going to feel empty, we're going to feel guilty,

we're going to feel ashamed of ourselves, I'm not doing anything with my life. I'm going to feel like other people are like good and like I'm like a waste of space and all this kind of stuff. So even fulfilling desires doesn't fix it forever. The other basic problem with Nuggies is like if I eat Nuggies, today, what's going to happen tomorrow, right? So even if I have nuggies for a little bit, and even if I distract myself through video games or whatever, so I don't feel guilty after eating nuggies, right? Because that's what we do.

Because in order to make the bad thoughts go away, I'm going to distract myself. Tomorrow will come around and I will want nuggies again. I'm personally struggling with this because I had nuggies on Friday. And so I've wanted them all weekend. It's been hard, chat. Do you guys see this? So even fulfilling our desires is only a temporary solution at best.

But here's the key principle to understand. Forget about desires for a second. Where does the happiness exist? Where does the peace exist? Here, here, here, and here. This is what Bethanjali figured out. So then the question becomes, is there a way to hang out here without fulfilling our desires? The answer is absolutely. And if we understand that, then we will be happy. So let's talk about work for a second. In the case of work, my first question to you is to be happy at work. What are the parts of being happy at work? Is there an external component? If I find the right job, What percentage of happiness can I get?

And is there an internal component? What percentage of happiness can I get at work with an internal through internal work? So if I go looking for the perfect job, will I ever be able to find a job that will make me 100% happy? Right. So what is the percentage contribution of internal versus external? Like, is it 100% in zero? So my happiness involves finding the perfect job or is it 50-50, right? Or is it zero-100?

What is it? So let me put the question to your. all another way. So one person is suggesting 2080. Can you, if I take a fixed job that does not change at all, is it possible that I can do something internally that will increase my enjoyment of the work or decrease my enjoyment of the work? Is that possible? So that answer I think is absolutely yes. So here's the other way that I'd put it. Here's a person. I've tried this job, this job, this job, this job. They are all excruciatingly painful. Let's use a different analogy. dated this person, this person, this person, this person, this person, this person, all people suck.

Or assholes. This person's an asshole. This person's an asshole. This person's an asshole. I've dated so many people. I keep on dating assholes. Everyone out there is an asshole. Where's the problem? Are they really all assholes? Do all jobs truly suck? I'm not saying that jobs don't suck, right? We're not saying, well, we'll get there eventually. We're not necessarily espousing that. My point is that if you're out there and you think everything around you is the problem, you can go look for the perfect job and who knows you may find it. But my point is that if you are looking for an external solution, you've got to be super careful because it could be at least partially an internal problem. And in this case, like, I think that's the direction that this person should look. So this is what's

kind of interesting is that as we look to our own happiness within a work situation, we'll realize a couple of different things. So there's a difference between the axis of pleasure and pain and the axis of peace and suffering. And this is the big problem with society. And this is the big problem with society today is that we confuse these two axes. Why do we confuse these two axes? Because of technology, because of dopamine. So we know that people who live hedonistic lives, if I just spend all my time chasing dopamine and I move in this direction, do these people live lives of peace and fulfillment? No, they end up over here. Dopamine puts you right here. Because we try to retreat away from pain. Now, are there cases, let's think about this. Like, are there cases where you can feel at peace with yourself,

even if you're struggling? Sure. Absolutely. So, for example, when I was in medical school, I helped women give birth. And that's a experience that is excruciatingly painful. And yet, luckily, most women that I worked with, I would put child birth up here. I'd ask them, would you do it again if you couldn't? They're like, absolutely. That's kind of interesting. Sometimes they do do it again. Sometimes they deliver a second baby, a third baby, fourth baby, right? So it's actually possible, like, to have appear, be up here. And so then the question is, well, well, what, you know, what dictates whether something is, if we're sort of saying that the axis of peace and pleasure is different from the access,

I mean, sorry, pain and pleasure is different from the axis of peace and suffering, like, how do we move along this axis? And that's where we go back to this. Cessation of fluctuations of the mind. And I've experienced this myself, I mean, not childbirth, but like, for example, when I'm on call, being on call for 30 hours and working in a hospital is not fun. It's not like binge it, like playing video games is fun. But the problem is that when I do a bunch of dopaminergic stuff, I end up up here,

being on call is in this direction. And then there's other stuff, right? Like there's like going on vacation with my family, which is actually up here, right? So that's like fulfilling and it's fun. There are even times where gaming can be up here. Like it depends on when you're doing it, right? And there are times where there's like pain, there's stuff down here too. Absolutely.

So if you're in this situation, like the first thing to really think about is what access are you chasing? because when I hear I don't enjoy my job, I think they're looking for this. So you're moving in this, you're trying to find a job that is like dopaminergic. And if you're trying to find a job that's dopaminergic, you can keep looking out there, but I hate to break it to you, but no job is going to be able to compete with this. No job will be able to compete with this. And so you're looking to get peace out of dopaminergic jobs.

That ain't going to happen. Now, you can find a job that you enjoy, you find more pleasurable, but it still won't bring you peace. Peace is about cessation of fluctuations of the mind. So then the question becomes, okay, how do I stop the fluctuations of my mind? And so that's where I'd really start by like going back to this experiment, which is like, what is it that you don't enjoy about your job? What is it that is excruciatingly painful about your job? Chances are it's some kind of thought.

I find this boring. I'm not having fun. This is not what I expected. It's not living up to my expectations, right? It's like what's going to be excruciatingly painful? I mean, I don't know. Maybe your job is physically. painful. So that's a whole different ballgame. But chances are what people find excruciatingly

boring or painful about their job is like up here. And so that's where you can control how you react up here. You can absolutely do it. So there are tasks that you can enjoy or not enjoying. Like you can cultivate that sort of internal enjoyment. How do you do that with detachment? So this is what I'd say is that if you're in this kind of situation, are you looking for a dopaminergic hit from your job? Just ask yourself that question. If the answer is yes, then like ask yourself how reasonable is that? And this is also where I sort of recommend tolerance, right? So don't give in to your mind because your mind is like, oh, this isn't as fun as gaming. Like, screw this.

And so then the question is, do you want your mind to dictate your actions? Does your mind need to be satisfied in order for you to go to work? Because if you, if it is, then you're screwed. Because then your mind, if your mind is satisfied, then you luck out. And if your mind is not satisfied, then you're unlucky. And the nature of the mind is to be fluctuate. I don't know how to say this, but if you're relying on your mind, then like, the mind doesn't stay happy from one thing over and over and over again. That's just not how it works. Right? You can't

play one video game for the rest of your life. Maybe people who play chess are the exception. So it does happen, I suppose. But even within chess, there's a variety, right? You're not playing the same person over and over and over again. So you've got to be super careful. And so this is what's kind of interesting is as you start ignoring the desires of your mind, you will cultivate detachment. And you can even practice that by ignoring desires that your mind has. If you want nuggies, no more yet Nuggies for how long for a year for a decade. So between the ages of 21 and 31 abouts, I basically gave up one of my favorite things. And I was like, just not going to get it. Just not going to get it. And every time I wanted it, I was like, yeah, we're just not going to do that. And my mind would

like squirm. It'd be like, why not? What's the harm? Why are you doing this? When is it going to end? I'd just be like, yeah, we're just not going to do it today. We're not going to do it today. And then eventually the mind like chilled out. And then what I realize is like, I'm no longer like, I'm no longer controlled by this thing. And then I can start tolerating unpleasant experiences. The interesting thing is that once you start developing detachment and you stop chasing the fluctuations of the mind, any job becomes more enjoyable. So what I found is that like something bizarre happened, which is that people are like, I hate this class, like I hated histology. But I could still study for it, okay. I love physiology way more. But I, you know, was it easier to study physiology? Sure, but I could do both.

And what I noticed is that all my colleagues in medical school were tortured, so anxious. Oh, my God, like, I didn't know how to prepare for the surgery. What if the surgeon thinks that I'm an idiot? And it's like, I'm going to prepare as best as I can. If the surgeon thinks I'm an idiot, he's going to think I'm an idiot, and then I'm going to get a bad grade. And so be it. The most I can do is study for the surgery. And it's bizarre.

It's liberating. And the other really bizarre thing is once you start developing detachment or Vyragya and not following like what your mind wants you to do, it actually people may think, but then how on earth am I going to succeed at work? Does that mean that I'm apathetic? On the contrary, it actually means that your work performance improves, right? Which is exactly why places like Stanford Business School and Harvard Business School are teaching mindfulness, which is one of the ways that you develop detachment because it actually leads to improvements in performance. And you may ask, but Dr. Kay, how on earth does not following my desires at work, how does that lead to an improvement in work performance?

And I don't know to say this, but like, imagine what your work would be like if you were completely free from your desires. You could, like, if you could do whatever, like, then you can just work for the sake of working. There's no inner conflict between, oh, what if, like, what if people don't like my ideas? So I'm not going to do them. No, it's like if people don't like it, they don't like it. I'm going to go ahead and do it anyway. What if there's no longer a conflict between doing what you enjoy and financial compensation? Because remember, a lot of what causes us to struggle at work is internal conflict.

Do I follow my passion or do I, like, you know, work at an airline and make like 150K a year? as a programmer. What do I do? It's this internal conflict, whereas once you're free of the internal conflict, your job does what the job is supposed to do. It's like no problem for you. It actually is absolutely liberating to no longer have internal conflict at work because of like conflicting desires. And so I know it sounds kind of weird. This may not be the answer that you all are expecting. But if you're having trouble enjoying anything at work, and I'm not saying that tolerate bad things just because you're detached. In fact, once you become detached, you can recognize, oh, this is actually like not a good work situation, so I'm going to move.

The cool thing is that once you're detached, there's no guilt around it. It's like, okay, this is objectively bad. And you start acting objectively instead of subjectively. Because when you're attached, you're very subjective. It's all up in here. Oh, my God. And once you start to detach yourself, right, you gain distance from your problem. You will become more objective.

And then you can start like making good choices because your mind is no longer tangled up. So if you're struggling to find the right kind of job because no job is enjoyable to you, you've got to start thinking a little bit about where it is enjoy. come from? Does it come externally or internally? And you have to work somewhat on yourself internally to recognize, okay, what does it mean when the job is excruciatingly painful? What is my experience of excruciatingly painful? Chances are it's up here. And so then the question is, does this control you or do you control this? Because as long as this controls you, you're never going to find a job that you enjoy. But once you start controlling it, you will find

that the enjoyment of all jobs will increase. And I'm not saying that don't be calculating. There maybe some things that you still enjoy more than others, right? Because getting to enlightenment, that state of 100 and zero is very difficult. But you can get to 50-50. And as you get to 50-50, it'll be a lot easier to find jobs that you enjoy. Once it becomes easier to find jobs that you can enjoy, then you've got options instead of like burnout and laying in bed all day. Okay, so how do you actually do the control, though? Sometimes it seems I can and sometimes I can't. Like, how do I increase that chance of being able to every day? So this is excellent question. The control is fundamentally achieved through awareness.

So if your job is excruciatingly painful, do you even understand what is excruciatingly painful about it? What is the actual substance of excruciatingly painful? Because I will bet you money that the experience of excruciatingly painful is thoughts. It's just thoughts. This is a dead end job. The job is what it is. It's neither dead end or not dead end. It may not have great professional prospects, but where is the pain coming from?

it's from the thought that this is a dead end job. There are some people who will agree that this is a dead end job. There are some people who will agree that it will say that this isn't a dead end job. It's still work experience on your resume. If you work in retail and don't have an opportunity for promotion after two years, you still have two years of retail experience under your belt. You can go apply for someone else. There's an advantage to any job, but that's not the way that your mind sees it.

So it starts by awareness. What is the nature of excruciating pain? Where does that come from? And then what you'll realize, it's wild. What you realize is it's fictict. It's a mirage, right? It goes back to what I was saying about, like, I still remember on my surgery rotation, I was blown away. It's like, if I'm going to do bad, like I can study, that's all I can do is study. And either all have studied the right thing or not studied the right thing. There's some things that I can do, so I'll even go and ask the resident. Hey, I've got this case tomorrow. Do you have any recommendations for how I should prepare? Reson is like, yeah, I would read A, B, and C. I go home and I read A, B, and C. If the attending asks me, if the surgeon asks me about D and F, what was I supposed to do? I went and asked the person. what I should study. Should I have ignored that? Is that the right move? And just study other random things that the person told me not to study? Because that sounds like the wrong move. And that's when

you begin to realize that like all you can do in life is what you can do. And you can't get hung up on what other people do. Now should you ignore feedback from other people? No, we're not saying that you live a life of selfishness and ignore other people. I'm saying most you can do is what you can do. Once you start to realize that, then you will start to control your mind. You can also practice through meditation. You can practice through even to a certain degree like the busiard, even deprivation of some kind, right? So you can practice restraining your desires. So pick a food that you enjoy.

Don't eat it for a decade. And then you may think, but, but I can't eat it for a decade? What is it like? You only like one food? No, there's like plenty of other good stuff to eat. You're going to survive?

No, but like I'm not going to be happy. Well, like you're eating the food right now. It's not like you're happy anyway. Control your mind. And then notice, watch what it does. No nuggies for a decade. Watch what it does, how it rebels. But it's like, hold on a second.

You've been eating nuggies for 20 years. Are you happy in life? Well, no. But I want it. I want it. So then the question is, okay, like, who's going to decide what you do? The part of your brain that's like, I want it, though. Don't take it away from it.

Yeah, it's just like, of course you're going to enjoy it. There's no question that you're going to enjoy it. But does it bring you peace or does it bring you suffering? How do you control it with practice, with awareness? Pay attention, all of these things. Why are you unhappy? Because I didn't get what I want. So is that going to be the criteria for happiness and unhappiness? Once again, let's be critical about it. When you get what you want, how long does the happiness last? I want the perfect wedding. I want a dream wedding and I do not care what anyone else wants. I'm uninviting my older sister because she is lost weight and is trying to make me look bad. I want, it's my perfect day. How long does the happiness from your perfect day last? The really sad thing is that oftentimes, people who fight really hard for their perfect day, get their perfect day, and are unhappy because of it. Even Soul Monches is saying that day, I would argue that not really, because I think when they

get their perfect day, there's so much resentment built up. They get their desires, but they're not actually at peace. They get what they wanted, but deep down, they're fuming. And if they don't get what they want, they're resentful. So what's the answer? What's the solution? The solution is to be not okay and be at peace with not getting what you want. I don't need perfect. I'm happy with good enough. Thank you.