HealthyGamerGG - How to Survive Passive Aggressive CoWorkers

Episode Date: June 15, 2022

Today Dr. K talks about passive aggressiveness, where it comes from, and how to deal with it! Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The problem is that oftentimes in seeking triumph is when we actually cause ourselves the biggest problems, right? When you attack someone else because you want to put them in their place, is when you end up getting, they activate their trap card and you're the one who actually ends up looking like the asshole. Sometimes you'll tell people the 1v1 mid you and they will absolutely destroy you. Has Dr. Kay ever made a video on passive aggressive co-workers and slash managers? I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but I would love to see a video with Dr. Kay explaining how people fall into these traps of taking on passive aggressive behavior once they get some type of power in the work environment. I think a video in the format like

how Dr. Kay did the psychology of a Karen would benefit employees with dealing with coworkers and managers that fall in that category, but also help employees up for promotions not fall into the same trap. Not saying all managers, but I'm sure we all have a story and could use some guidance on how to navigate our emotions and feelings when dealing with these people. what do you all think? I just really would like to understand passive aggressive more, so I'm not so reactive when interacting with them. This is a fantastic request, in a sense,

but let's talk a little bit about passive aggressive. So this is tricky because we all experience passive aggressiveness, but once again, like there aren't really good resources, at least that I've seen. I mean, now that I think about it, I'm sure they're out there, but about like what is passive aggressiveness? Like where does it come from and how do you deal with it? So this is just going to be one take on it. Okay, so what we're going to start with is talking a little bit about where passive aggressiveness comes from

and the different kinds of passive aggressiveness. Then once we understand what causes people to be passive aggressive, we can also learn a couple of ways to deal with it. Now, the big challenge here is that most of my work with passive aggressive behavior comes from the people who are passive aggressive, right? So if you think about, like, what I actually do, I'll work with individuals. I usually don't work with people who complain about third parties. So the focus that I have is like, okay, let's figure out your own passive aggressive behavior and how to get rid of that. But we can sort of talk a little bit about all of the above, okay? So let's begin. Okay. So how to deal with people who are,

we're passive aggressive. Oh, bup, pop, make sense? Good use of our time, chat?

They're so good at passive aggressiveness, I can't confront them. Ah, yes, we will help you with that, my friend. Don't worry. Don't worry.

Not all hope is lost, Charmy. We will not only give you some clues on how to confront them. We will do more than that. So, first of all, let's try to understand a couple of different perspectives on what it means to be passive

aggressive and where that comes from. So generally speaking, when I think about the term passive aggressive, it's when someone sort of like attacks you without attacking you, right? They don't say something explicit. So there's a lot of like implicit communication. There's a lot of like non-direct attacks. And what makes passive aggressive people so hard to deal with is like, they're doing crap to you, but then like, you can't really like do anything back because they're not really attacking you. Right. So it's almost one of these things where it's like what a lot of passive aggressive people will do is they'll bait you into getting upset with them. And then it's all, honestly, what it reminds me of is I've been watching some Eldon Ring PVP videos. And it's like, it's like the Perry followed by like the critical hit or the repost.

right, repost, however you pronounce it, where it's like, you know, they kind of jabat you in attacking them and they're waiting for it. And the second that you attack them back, they play the victim. They're like, I don't know what you're talking about. Why are you being so toxic to me? And then they like, they like chunk away half your health or they one shot you. So it's really, really challenging because you can't really respond. So how do you deal with this? So let's start with understanding, you know, where passive aggressiveness comes from. So we're going to offer a couple of different theories here. You know, this is just based on my perspective. So the first is like kind of a Freudian theory. So if we want to understand passive aggressiveness, we can actually

go back to Freud. And Freud had some good stuff. So Freud said that we have three parts of the mind, the id, the ego, and the super ego. And what he said is that the id is our impulses, right? These are are like natural desires, these kind of base animalistic desires. And then we have our super ego, which is like our morality, right? This is our sense of like right and wrong. It's like, do I want to eat a cheeseburger? Hell yeah, I want to eat a cheeseburger, but I should eat a salad. So the word should comes from here. The word want comes from here. And so oftentimes in our life, there is a conflict between the shoulds and the wants. Enter the ego, the mediator. So the ego is what mediates conflicts between the id and the super ego. And the ego, I'm sure that I'm getting some of this

wrong because I'm not an expert in Freud. But, and then Anna Freud, I think Freud's daughter, came up with a lot of these, like, defense mechanisms. So this is where, like, the defense mechanisms come in play. And so what tends to happen is that we'll have some kind of id feeling. And a defense will activate, and it'll take that id feeling, and it'll move it into the subconscious. And it'll kind of live over here, and even though this is kind of the conscious mind of what we're aware of, so we're not going to attack anyone up here, no attack. But these, like, negative feelings will kind of boil to the surface and kind of create passive aggressive behaviors. So what I've oftentimes found is that the passive aggressiveness comes from

feelings that we don't want ourselves to feel. Right? So, like, if we're feeling embarrassed or ashamed of something, but, like, we're not willing to help ourselves feel that, we'll do some kind of, like, passive-aggressive kind of thing. So I'll give you all just a simple example. So let's say, you know, I'm dating someone, and boy or girl doesn't matter. There's a boy's night out or there's a girl's night out. And in the girls' night or boys' night out, my partner asks me, hey,

I want to go on a boy's night out or I want to go on a girl's night out. Do you have a problem with that? And then what I'm going to say is, no, no, no, you should do whatever you want to do. They're like, wait, are you upset about that? Do you want me to, like, not go? No, you do whatever you think is right. And then, like, it's kind of like this weird sort of situation where you're not explicit about what your needs are. Right?

So you actually don't want them to go. Maybe you're feeling insecure. But you're not letting yourself admit the insecurity or acknowledge the insecurity. So it's floating around down here, and then you get to this like, you do whatever you think is best. And the person is explicitly asking you. They're like, what should I do? But I'm not controlling. So I can't tell my partner to not go.

Because that makes me a bad boyfriend or girlfriend. Like, that's crazy. Like, I'm not jealous. I'm not these things, right? So this is like, this is a super ego thought. I shouldn't be jealous. I shouldn't be. controlling. So what we do is we take that insecurity and we shove it way down and then it comes out

with these kinds of like, no, you do what you think is best. And then they go out with their friends and then you give them the silent treatment for a week. And then it gets even worse because like, you know, like, and then they get frustrated. They're like, if you told me that you didn't want me to go, you should have just said so. But then you're like, well, that's stupid, right? Because then I'm going to be an idiot. And so I'm acting like an idiot. And then that drives like, you know, the feelings of being an idiot get driven down here, and then now we've got this thing, and then it just exacerbates the passive aggressive behavior. And it's just like a cycle.

Okay? This is one perspective. So in this perspective, what we really want to, if you want to understand passive aggressive behavior, what we're going to do, this will become important later, is recognize what could this person be feeling or wanting that they're not really letting themselves feel or want or publicly own? and that will give you insight into what will trigger the passive aggressive behavior. Because it's essentially passive aggressive behavior is I'm not allowed to attack you,

but I really want to, so I'm going to do it anyway. I'm just going to do it passively. That's one perspective. Okay? So another perspective comes from kind of relationship dynamics. So sometimes there's this weird, you know, psychological stuff going on. But sometimes people are just conditioned to be passive aggressive. So they'll grow up in kind of situations where, like, you know, parents will be emotionally manipulative.

And so their parents were passive aggressive with them, right? Where it's like, oh, no, like you can, it's your allowance. You can spend it however you want to. But if you spend it in a way that I don't approve of, I'm going to emotionally punish you in the future. And furthermore, I'm going to tell you it's for your own good. So I gave you this money. I didn't want you to buy the video game. You bought the video game.

And so now when you ask me if you can go to your friend's house for the summer, I'm not going to say no because you bought the video game. What I'm going to say is the way you spent your money indicates to me that you don't have the maturity to handle yourself and handle your finances so you can't go spend the summer with your friend. Wait, but you told me to do whatever I want to. Yeah, I did. And you did whatever you want to, but you're not indicating to me that you're mature enough.

So like parents will do this crap, right, where they're unhappy with your choices, but they won't say I'm unhappy with your choices. They'll twist it and turn it into some kind of weird, passive-aggressive BS. And then what happens? You grow up in this environment. You are conditioned, just like you learn slang. So I use the word y'all. My kids probably use the word y'all. I grew up in Texas. We used the word y'all. I get conditioned to it. In that same way from a relationship dynamic perspective, oftentimes people who engage in passive aggressive behavior just understand that that's the way that stuff works. Right. So you see this kind of stuff a lot in Indian joint households because overt conflict is not tolerated. So you see all this like political

BS in the household because you've got like three generations of people living together. You're living with your brother and his wife and their kids and there's all that you guys don't make the same amount of money and there's all this kind of weird political BS where people will like jockey for position. So you'll sometimes also see this in the workplace in Indian joint households. I imagine other joint households as well, like non-Indian ones. These are just the ones that I have the most insight into from like friends and family and stuff. Right? But like I've talked to people who are from Southeast Asia who go through the same stuff. So sometimes this is just the way of exerting

like influence on other people. So a couple of things that will bring this out. One is feelings of territorial nature. Power dynamics, feeling threatened. So at work, if you outshine your colleagues on a project, they may feel threatened. But this is also a key thing where there's like there's no direct. acceptable avenue to exercise feelings. So if I feel like you, everyone says you did a great job, I feel jealous. And there's no way for me to like, I can't fault you for doing a good job at

the company, right, even though it makes me feel bad, makes me feel threatened, makes me feel less adequate. But I can't be like, why did you do so well this month in sales? And so instead of what I'll do is I'll say like, oh, congratulations, like, you must have worked really hard. Like, that's so good for you. And inside, I'm seething. I start to feel territorial. I start to feel threatened by you. And all this passive-aggressive crap is going to come out because I'm not allowed to attack you. Right. So the other thing about relationship dynamics is what we see about passive-aggressive attacks is that it's a safe way to attack without retaliation. So I'm going to start doing little things. Like, oh, your client's called and I take a message and then I

never give you the message. Right? And I can just claim, oh, I forgot or I did tell you, or I just pretend they didn't call. So you can kind of like claim ignorance. Oh, my bad. Right? There's all kinds of like weird, shady stuff that goes on. And some people just manage relationships like this. Third thing. This one's going to be tough. Okay. So third reason why people are passive aggressive with you is because of misperception or your cognitive bias. So if you think people are being passive aggressive with you at work, newsflash, maybe they're not actually being passive aggressive with you. Maybe, so let's think about this.

Okay, this may sound kind of weird. So how would I know whether someone is being passive aggressive or whether they're just not doing anything? because the whole point about passive aggressive is that it's no overt attack, right? They're not actually saying you're a bad person or anything like that. Maybe they did actually just forget to pass along the message or even wild or maybe they did pass along the message and you forgot. So sometimes, not kidding here, this is unfortunate, but sometimes when I come in, when I work with people who say, hey, someone at work is super passive aggressive, the more we tunnel down into it, the more that we discover that the person actually isn't passive aggressive. They're just not attacking you.

They're just doing things that you perceive as attacks. So I'll give you all kind of like a simple example of this, which is somewhat chimerical. But, you know, I was once working with someone who told me that they were getting married and this is supposed to be their perfect day. And they were like, I can't believe my sister is making me look bad by losing all of this weight. And I was like, what? And they're like, yeah.

Like my sister, like, you know, in high school, I used to be thinner and she used to be like kind of heavyset. And then like over the last year and a half, she's been like trying to like lose a bunch of weight and like making me look bad like in my wedding dress. And I'm like, what the? What do you? Right? But she won't ever say it. She's just doing it to attack me.

Like that that's sort of the story that I got. And that doesn't, it sort of doesn't compute, right? But this is where in the mind of this person and unfortunately not example, all examples are that extreme. but what we sometimes see is that when we have insecurities and these insecurities feel attacked or threatened, what will end up doing, but they're not actually attacked, right? There's no, the sister isn't showing up and saying, you're a fat ass.

That's not what the sister is saying. The sister isn't really doing anything to you. But the problem is that you feel insecure, you perceive it as an attack. There isn't some kind of overt behavior. there's no overt behavior. And so then you conclude that this person is behaving passive aggressively. But unfortunately, if we want to be complete,

what we have to acknowledge is part of the reason that people are acting passive aggressive is actually because of your own misperception and your own bias. So sometimes the solution is not in the way that you deal with them, but in the way that you explore yourself. So how do you get kind of clued into this? A couple of things is like, when you feel like someone, is being passive-aggressive with you, what is the state of your internal security around it? So if you feel insecure about something, there's a greater chance that this is at least a piece of the puzzle.

Whereas if you feel very confident or secure about something, this is less likely to be the case. So if you feel attacked or threatened by what they're doing, like, oh, this person is like, you know, you have to be a little bit careful there. So sometimes the solution is actually dealing with yourself. Okay. So just to recap, when we're talking about passive aggressive behavior, we can take kind of a Freudian approach, which is that I'm not allowed to act or feel the things that I feel. So I'm going to bury my feelings in my subconscious. And they're going to get kind of exerted. They're going to bubble to the surface in non-direct attacks. And like, that's kind of where it comes from. Second thing is sometimes we're just conditioned to be passive aggressive. That's just how people play the game. So you'll see this in certain kinds of companies. You'll see it in politics. You'll see it in things like joint households. And it's sort of just the way that we jockey for power because like there's

no acceptable avenue for like exercising that feeling, either through discussion or direct attacks. Those aren't an option. So all we're left with is like this weird passive aggressive BS. As a technique, it's a very safe way to attack without retaliation because you can claim ignorance. these kinds of relationship dynamics I find in the workplace are very, very territorial in nature and have to do with power and feeling threatened. So you'll see a huge escalation. If you're doing a good job at work and someone else feels threatened, including your boss, right?

Like if someone's feeling jealous or threatened, this kind of crap will crop up more. So how to deal with it? So this question was sort of related to work, so we're going to kind of focus on that a little bit. So the first thing to understand about passive aggressive behavior is do you need a relationship with this person or not? So this is a very, very important fork in the road. So if you need a relationship with this person, like, and you want to cultivate a positive relationship with this person, then your approach is going to be very different. So let's say that the answer is yes. So we'll use the example of like not a work example, but I think it's better illustrated by a personal example.

let's say that your partner is being passive aggressive. So you don't want to just ditch them and move on, right? Like you have to work through this. So if you need to have a relationship with them, I would start by talking with them. And the key thing here is that if you point out the passive aggressive behavior, if you say mom or dad, you gave me the money, you said I could spend it however I want to. But you're saying because of the way that I spent it, I understand that you have a rationale, but you're saying that because of the way that I spent it, you're not letting me go.

And what I'm also hearing is that if I had spent it differently, I could go. Is that correct? And like the tricky thing there is that if you, the more you kind of, you have to be subtle with the way that you pointed out to them, because if you pointed out in a judgmental way, remember, the whole point of the passive aggressive complex here is that you're not allowing yourself to feel these things. So if you point out to them, hey, this is really, really inconsistent. You're being a passive aggressive asshole.

What that's going to do is just reinforce like the passive aggressive cycle. Because you're like showing it to them and like shoving it in their face. Hey, what you're actually doing to me is due to insecurity, but they don't want to feel insecure. They're not letting themselves feel insecure. So what you may actually see is an amplification of the defense mechanism and a worsening of the cycle. Okay? So when you tell them, you want to be very non-judgmental about it. And so I would just start by helping them understand, hey, so I'm a little bit confused.

Like, you know, you said I should do whatever I want to, but you seem upset to me. You know, are you upset? Did you wish I did what I wanted to do and I really appreciate that, you know, you let me go out with my friends or that not even let me, but I get to do what I want to? At the same time, I'm noticing that maybe you feel a little bit disappointed in my choice. You know, do you wish I had chosen differently? And you can use language like that, like not that you were wrong, but, you know, your partner is allowed to be disappointed in your choices. And then this is also where you can sort of use language like, you know, I'd love to, I enjoyed myself. I'm glad I went out.

And at the same time, I'm noticing that you seem to be a little bit unhappy, which is fine. Like, I understand that you respect my autonomy in the relationship. And it's because you respect my autonomy in the relationship that you didn't put any limitation. I really, really appreciate that. Like, I love that about you. And also, like, I wish I had known that this would have upset you because I appreciate my autonomy in the relationship, but I also care about your feelings. What can we do about that?

Right. So there's a way that you can talk things through with them by being, like, non-judgmental, kind of acknowledging what they're feeling, acknowledging what you're feeling, and just sort of ask them, like, how do we solve this? What do we do about this next time? what happens next time. And by the way, that, you know, I use sample language, but oftentimes when I'm working with people, like clients or patients, it takes some time and some work to get to that spiel, right?

Like how to acknowledge things and stuff like that, what to acknowledge for them. So this is key. So the first question is, do you need a relationship? Because then you have to, you have to, like, resolve things with them. Now, hopefully, if you do need a relationship, they care about the relationship, too. so they'll invest in having a conversation, they'll be able to tolerate having some of those negative feelings. Whereas like, if it's a coworker who doesn't like you,

I don't know that they're going to invest that time and sort of fixing things. Okay? So the other thing that you can do is appeal to a third party. Now, this is sort of like the least interventional kind of thing because we're not directly dealing with the person because oftentimes what happens in, if you are frustrated with a passive aggressive dynamic, chances are that the other person is more

skilled at espionage in subtle warfare. Their special ops divisions are better than your special ops divisions, which is why you're kind of frustrated in the first place, because oftentimes people who are winning passive aggressive conflicts don't complain about them. So I'm assuming for a moment that their special ops is better than your special ops. Okay. But don't worry, we'll teach you how to level up your special ops by the end. Don't give up. So if it's a work-related scenario, consider talking to a boss or co-workers. And what you want to do is, you know, approach things in kind of a, like, I'm trying to figure out how to work with this person way. Don't call them out and don't attack them and say, hey, like this person is being a passive-aggressive dick to me. You know, can you get them to stop?

What you want to do is sort of like, hey, I'm noticing that I'm having some friction with this person. Have you ever seen that before? Has this been a problem for you? Is this like, is it a me thing? Or is it like, do other people struggle with this? Okay. So you want to sort of frame things once again, non-judgmentally. You want to frame things, you know, don't attack them.

So you also want to frame things towards like, especially if you're talking with your boss, like goals of the, company. So if we're taking an example of, let's say that you did well in sales this month, and this person is not delivering messages that your clients are leaving at the office. And so what you want to sort of say is like, hey, I'm running into something weird, kind of acknowledge your own bias or shortcoming when you ask. This is really, really important. So you want to say, like, hey, I'm not sure if this is like just me making a mistake or what, but I'm getting like messages from several clients that some messages are not getting through. So when I'll talk to them, they'll leave messages at the office and they're kind of like not getting through.

And after talking to my clients, it seems like maybe this person is the one taking the messages. It may just be a coincidence. Maybe they are passing them along and I'm not registering them. I'm not really sure. So I don't know if this is a me thing, but I'm curious, coworker, have you ever had any kind of weird problems with this person? Or is this just on me? And in the case of your boss, you can even ask them, like, have you encountered any other stuff with this person? Or, and then you can sort of ask your boss for help.

And you can sort of say, like, you know, non-judgmentally, like, my goal is sales. Do you have any recommendations on how I should navigate this situation? So you can ask for help instead of blame. Now, there are a couple of important caveats here. The first is there are two kinds of bosses. Bosses who care and bosses who don't care. To be blunt. And it's not quite that binary, but sometimes it is.

So y'all will kind of know, sometimes you'll be in a work situation where your boss is just mentally checked out, does not really care about having people get along. You know, they're just, they're interested in certain outcomes or results and they're like, let the underlings figure things out amongst themselves. Like, I'm not going to get into that crap. You all sort it out yourself. So if you have an apathetic boss, I would not go to the boss in this way. But if you do have a boss who seems to care about dynamics in the workplace, and seems to be like kind of a nice person because those do exist and they're not as rare as people think they are. You know, you can go to them and sort of have this conversation. You can also

approach coworkers. But this is where you'll kind of discover that oftentimes people who are passive aggressive, remember, this is just the way that they're conditioned. So chances are it's not just you. So like people who behave in passive aggressive manners will do that with other people as well. Now, sometimes those people are very, very sneaky, and they'll like, the boss won't know how passive-aggressive they are, but coworkers will. So if there's like a power dynamic, oftentimes the power level, like the tier above you will not be aware of the BS that this person is doing. So boss may say, no, I've never had that problem. You can say, okay, thank you for letting me know, then I'll kind of work on it myself. Okay?

So you can kind of appeal to a third party and just kind of let them know, ask for help. And the key thing here is that even if nothing explicit happens, the power. dynamic of the situation has changed. Now you have allies, right? Because if there are other people at work who feel frustrated by this, then like y'all are going to sort of like, you know, form an alliance of sorts by y'all will have kind of a, you know, a little bit of a, um, y'all will, you all will know know something you can maybe recruit other people and then you can sort of even, you've got kind of like a team. So now it's not like you against this person. You guys can kind of like, you know, you all can outnumber them in a sense.

Because a lot of times, passive aggressive people will thrive off of, since they're not doing something direct, it's like hard to put together a pattern of their behavior. Okay? So another thing that you can do, go aggressive, aggressive.

So this is where you've got to do a little bit more kind of diagnosis, okay? Or reconnaissance, maybe is a better way to put it. Some people are passive aggressive. because they are conflict avoidant. So maybe they're like, you know, these subtle masterminds of manipulation and stuff like that.

But I would say like 50% of the time or more, the reason that people are passive aggressive is because there's all this crap that they're burying, right? And they can't address it directly. Like it's psychologically uncomfortable for them to state their insecurities to someone else at work. or state their issues. Oftentimes, people are very conflict-avoidant. And if you kind of think about it, like, you know, a lot of people out there are conflict-avoidant. And so how do you win in a contest with

them? You engage in conflict. So they're conflict-voidant. You show them that you're willing to throw down. And if you kind of do that right, then chances are, like, there's a decent chance they'll just, like, back off because then you'll terrify them. Now, is this nice? Not necessarily. Is it a little bit Machiavellian possibly. But this is the kind of thing where like this is the reality in some workplace. I'm not saying that you should attack them. I'm not saying that you should do anything that's harmful to them, but address the conflict. Like you can call them out or have a conversation with them and just sort of like bring it to the surface. Because the way that these people thrive is that they don't have any standing army, but they've got a good special ops team. So instead what you

want to do is change the dynamic of the conversation and actually like bring a conflict to the surface, right? So this is where even in something like, you know, like a team meeting, what you can do is just call out your experience or call out the situation. So you can kind of point out to them, hey, so I've gotten messages from four clients that they left messages for me and they're not, I just wanted to let everyone know a couple of clients of mine have, you know, left messages that I didn't receive. I'm curious if anyone else is having this experience. And this is where if you formed allies and they're doing the same thing to other people in the office, someone else kind of mentions, oh, yeah, like, you know, that's happening to me too. And so

that's where, like, in the team meeting, you kind of mentioned, you're like, oh, you know, like, so I'm kind of curious, does anyone know, like what's going on here? Because I think we really need to get these messages. And then this is where, you know, like, what'll happen is like maybe the person will turn red and they'll, you know, nothing will happen. And that can be the kind of end of it, depending on what, what research you've done and how much you've set yourself up, you can even kind of go for the throat. You can say, well, I ask them, you know, who they're leaving messages with. And three or four of them seem to think that it's this coworker. Have you gotten any messages?

And then the person may say yes or no or like they're going to be called out. Like you're not necessarily attacking them. You're just giving them an opportunity to share their perspective. And then, you know, like you're kind of just showing them like, hey, I'm not going to let this crap continue. I'll call you out on it. They may defend themselves in some way. We'll get to that in a second. But the main thing is that if they're conflict avoidant, you can sort of have a conflict that is on the surface, as opposed to subsurface. You can call attention to their behavior, and sometimes they'll back off if you do this kind of thing. So there are a couple of very, very important things here.

One is that you do so with a calm mind. You do so with a neutral tone. You don't actually attack them. and we'll get to this in a second. So what you want to do is like, if you feel emotionally upset by their behavior, you want to process that emotion outside of work. So you want to come in calm, cool, and collected. And why is that? It's because oftentimes this strategy,

when done incorrectly, is exactly what they're looking for. So a lot of people who are passive-aggressive will try to jabat you into attacking them, and then they will mop the floor with you. So this is classic like Perri into reposts critical hit. Right? This is like, this is what they're going to do.

So the tricky thing about going aggressive, aggressive is that when people are passive aggressive, what happens is they frustrate you so much, they attack you so much, they pew-pue you from on top of their walls, impervious to attack, and then you get upset with them. You get upset with them, and then you attack,

they claim ignorance, you've been parried, and then you come out of the situation with the power dynamic even worse. Because now they have exposed you as an idiot who has like all these issues in their head, but you're not actually doing anything like that. So you'll notice this especially with manipulative parents. Essentially what they do is they jubate you into an attack, and then they play their trap card, which is the victim card. No, I didn't do anything.

Why are you attacking me? And your attack is overt. And if your attack is overt and their attack is like covert, then it's like you're the bad guy, right? And then you are the bad guy. And then they've won. They jubated you into attacking. And so this is what a lot of passive aggressive people do.

Their whole long-term strategy is to jabate you into an overt attack, which then they will mop the floor with you. with. So what do you do about this? This is where like this stuff becomes really, really important. Anything that you do with them needs to be with a calm mind, kind of factual. You don't want to directly attack them. This is where you can use a subtle technique of like making a statement instead of an accusation. Or you can ask a question. So you just want to be like, hey, so my clients are saying this, period. You're not saying that they're actually. withholding messages or anything like that. You're not, you're not saying that. You're just saying,

this is what my clients told me. And it seems to be a pattern, which is why I'm bringing it up. What, you know, what do you have to say? Like, I'm curious. Like, is this my, you know, when the first client said it, I was like, okay, clearly like this person, you know, something must have just fallen through the cracks, not a big deal. Second time the client sort of said it, I was like, maybe the client is making a mistake, but now I've had three or four different clients who've all kind of said this, and now I'm trying to figure out, like, what's going on. So you want to attack without attacking, right? Because then they can't play the victim card. The victim card, what you're going to do is, like, get up into their personal space, but you're not going to

auto attack them because they're not going to be able to repost. Because you don't want to parry. So what you really have to do to do this successfully is remove ego from the equation, remove emotions from the equation. You don't want to seek justice. If your goal is to seek justice, I think that's a losing strategy. You don't want to blame them. You just want to point it out to them non-judgmentally. And depending on how brutal you are, you can sort of like, you know, you can kind of debate them into like more and more stuff if you want to.

But you can even do stuff like, yeah. So I, you know, I was kind of confused because they didn't know who they were leaving the messages with. Or they said they were leaving the messages with you and I didn't believe them. So what I asked my four clients to do is I gave them the extension. of all four salespeople in the office, and I asked them to call after hours and see whose voice they were talking to.

And all four of them confirmed that they were leaving messages with you. And then you don't say anything else. Then you just stay silent. You don't accuse them. You just stay silent. And they're not going to be able to tolerate the silence. Like, it's going to be so painful.

And you want to do it calm, okay? Cool. Collected. And that's, that. That's how you do with passive-aggressive people. So to summarize, unfortunately, passive-aggressive people are very common.

And the reason for this is because psychologically, the way that our mind works, it's kind of like, it's sort of how our mind works. We have feelings that we're not comfortable with, and then we stuff them down into the subconscious mind, and then they kind of bleed to the surface in ways that we're not happy.

And we sort of result in this passive-aggressive behavior because we would never attack anyone heaven forbid I would ever do anything like that. Sometimes people are conditioned to be passive aggressive. That's just the households that they grew up in. That's just how they know. That's the meta that they grew up in. So that's the meta that they know.

Unfortunately, we see these kinds of workplace, these relationship dynamics a lot in workplaces, sometimes in complex family units. And, you know, like part of the reason that people do this is because, like, it's a safe way to attack people. It's a way to lobby for power, lobby for position. Oftentimes we'll see these kinds of dynamics. arise a lot when people are territorial or they feel threatened. Really, really common.

So that you can use all of this information to kind of understand your situation. Why is this person doing this? Like what could they be feeling? Like, how could I manage it? Now, the last thing, and this is what's really tricky, is sometimes when you think someone is being passive aggressive with you, that's actually coming from you. It's not coming from them. They're not actually doing anything, which is why it's passive aggression. They're not losing weight to make you feel bad, they're losing weight because they were overweight their whole life and they've decided they want to stop being overweight. Or they're underweight and they've decided they want to stop being skinny. They want to bulk up, right? Male, female, underweight, overweight, all those

things don't really matter. They're not doing it to offend you. So this is the tricky thing is that a lot of times your cognitive bias or your misperception will perceive other people as passive aggressive. How do you know? That's where it comes down to your own insecurities, especially in the workplace. And this is what I think is really valuable about when we do coaching. Because in coaching, here's the thing. Everyone will give you this. People will give you, you can Google, how do I deal with people with passive aggressive? We'll get a bunch of strategies. I've literally never seen if you think people are passive aggressive, you should check yourself before you wreck yourself. that could be a cognitive bias on your part. I've never read that externally. This is one of the key things

that I think we do, which is why we get good outcomes, is we focus on the perceptual problems that people may have. Okay. Now, how to deal with it? The first question is, do you need a relationship with this person? Is this someone like a partner? Is this someone that you want to, even in the case of a coworker? If so, trying to talk to them, try to talk to them in a non-judgmental way. If you talk to them in a non-judgmental way, what you may discover is, oh, my goodness, this is actually what's going on. Or you may just discover that there's a miscommunication issue where you could be doing something better, they could be doing something better, but approach them non-judgmentally. Next thing you can do is appeal to a third party. Talk to coworkers, talk to your boss.

Once again, you don't want to attack them. You don't want to blame them, right? Because that's going to activate their Perry and counterattack you. So you don't want to do that. You want to align things towards goals of the company. So the reason I'm asking is, is because I want, you know, this office to succeed, and these messages need to be getting through. It's not about ego. It's not about blame. It's not about emotions. It's like, this just needs to happen.

Okay? So you don't want to activate their trap card. Well said, super dark valid. So sometimes as you do this, if this really is the way they're conditioned, what you'll discover from your coworkers is that, like, a lot of them will have the same. experience. And then you've got allies. So sometimes what you want to do is just go aggressive. So raise the conflict to the surface. So instead of having a subsurface conflict, just have a conversation about it or acknowledge it in some public way. Remember, what we don't want to do is

we don't want to get emotionally upset. We want to do it with a calm mind neutral tone. So you can do it publicly if you want to. But it's not an attack. You're just going to, you know, you're just going to call out the behavior and explore it in a group of people. if you want to. And then chances are, if they're conflict avoidant, they're going to, like, you know, they're going to get really upset, but they hopefully will stop messing with you. You can even afterward, be kind to them. That's actually really important. So if they start giving you the messages again, you can say, hey, thank you so much for doing that. I really appreciate it. It's really helped me in my clients out a lot.

You know, I brought you a muffin as a way of saying thank you. I remember you said that you really like blueberry muffins, so here you go. right, you can be kind. Now, the key thing to remember is that if you go aggressive, sometimes you are falling into their jabating strategy. So the way that passive aggressive people thrive is that they make you upset, you attack, they play their trap card, you're the bad guy. Right?

And then, like, at the end of it, the power dynamic has worsened, but they have won. Round one, KO. And now they have an advantage for round two. There's a snowballing effect. So don't play their game. So approach with a calm mind, be factual. Don't really attack them.

You can use things like silence. Let go your ego. Let go of your emotions. Talk to your therapist about it. Talk to your partner about it. You know, process your emotions on the HG Discord if you want to. Talk to your coach, whatever. And then go in and then be calm, cool, and collected.

But that's what I got to say about passive aggressive. Okay. It's not by any means a perfect rundown. It is also not by any means a completely comprehensive rundown. But I would say that having worked with a lot of people who engage in passive aggressive behaviors and helping them no longer engage in passive aggressive behaviors, which there's a whole other segment that we could do on. But the point here is that this person is saying someone else is being passive aggressive with me.

How do I understand it? How do I deal with it? And the good news is there are a lot of different ways that you can understand it. And there's also almost like a decision tree, right? Is my boss, like, does my boss care or not care? Am I the only one who's experiencing it or not experiencing it? Is this someone that I need a relationship with or I don't need a relationship with? And depending on all those different things, you can arrive at sort of a precise solution

that hopefully will work for you. The one thing that's really, really important is that you be aware of your own cognitive biases. You process your own emotions. you let ego out of the equation so that when you square up against them in some way, whether it's a conversation. And I don't know if you'll notice this, whether you're talking to your wife or your husband

or someone, your nemesis at work, non-judgmentalness is at the top of the list. Being free of your ego is at the top of the list. Being calm, cool, and collected is at the top of the list, no matter what you do. Right? So it's not just about owning someone else. But at times, you have to, you know,

call people out on their behavior. and then give them like an avenue for escape, right? That's really important from Sun Tzu. So that's where like you, that's why you say like, hey, this is happening. Don't attack. But just say, hey, this is happening, period. And then when you do that, people will be like, you have to give them a chance to make excuses. And then what you can decide at that point is if you get, you know, if you give them a chance to make an excuse and say, okay, cool.

So like it's totally fine. I understand that you had a lot going on. So I'm guessing that this won't continue to happen. right? And they'll say, yeah, it won't happen again. You're like, fantastic. And then you've established dominance. Thank you so much. Then you take that muffin for yourself. That's all ego, right? This isn't about putting people in their place, even though you can want to do that. It's really about trying to deal with someone. So remember that if someone is behaving in a passive, aggressive manner with you, like, have some compassion. They're not doing it because they're intrinsically

in ass, right? They're like doing it because they have feelings. They were conditioned to particular way. And even if they are being an ass, you can be a little bit forgiving. Doesn't mean you have to tolerate their behavior. You can put their behavior in check. But you don't have to hold, harbor any malice, ill will, or sense of vengeance. Ideally, at work, you were meant to be on the same team, right? Yeah, ideally. But oftentimes, remember that even though you're on the same team, sometimes you're competing against your colleagues for things like promotions. And that's okay. So I think it's really cool. So I've had, you know, many situations in my life where I'm competing against my colleagues,

and that can be, like, really fine. So, like, it doesn't have, there has to be no ill will. And that's sort of, like, practicing detachment and stuff. So I remember there was a pretty prestigious position, which I applied to in residency. And I didn't end up getting it, which turned out to be great, because instead I started Healthy Gamer. Like, you know, not or started the work that would eventually become a, healthy gamer, I should say. Whereas if I had gotten that position, like, I probably wouldn't be here today.

Because that would have launched me on this track of academic success. So that's the kind of thing where it's like, you know, I applied for it. I was like, hey, if I get this position, this is what I would do with it. This is what I want to do with it. And someone else got the position. That's great. They did a fantastic job. I went on and did something else. So that's where like you can beat, you can even compete against your colleagues without any ill will and recognize that it's okay for one of y'all to win and one of y'all to lose. maybe the reason that they won and you lost is because they're actually better suited for the position. And I think they were better suited for the position. In retrospect, I would have hated doing it.

Right. So that's okay. Someone saying, I think you made the better choice. It wasn't my choice to make. But I was explicit with people. I was like, hey, if you pick me, this is what I'm going to do. If this is not your top priority, you guys have other priorities like you should pick someone else. Yeah, so a lot of people, I would have hated this.

No, seriously, I would have hated it. Maybe it's copium, but I'm pretty sure it's not. is doing stuff like making call schedules, okay, which I hate that stuff. And now the more details I provide, the more defensive I become, the deeper the inhalation of copium. Best copium is true. Very true, very true. Right?

So that's actually true. So now I'm going to have to reflect a little bit about whether I'm just saying that to myself. Okay. we're past time, but I think we should meditate for a little bit. Are you all okay with that? Okay. Let me think. Okay.

So we're going to do something. Let me think about how to structure this meditation. So we're going to do a letting go of anger meditation, for lack of a better term. Maybe letting. Actually, no. It is a letting go of triumph meditation. Okay. So this is going to be kind of weird, but I'll explain to you all how this works.

So this meditation, first of all, is somewhat adaptable. But what we're, so a lot of, a lot of when we get into trouble, what we're chasing is triumph. Right. So if we look at like this passive aggressive kind of stuff, like what you want to do is put them in their place. Right. Like even if you think about toxicity and video games, when you tell someone to 1V1 me mid, what you're looking for is triumph. You're looking to win.

the problem is that oftentimes in seeking triumph is when we actually cause ourselves the biggest problems right when you attack someone else because you want to put them in their place is when you end up getting they activate their trap card and you're the one who actually ends up looking like the asshole sometimes you'll tell people the one v one mid you and they will absolutely destroy you right because they are better and you're frustrated you're toxic you're frustrated by losing the game and then like you want to put them in their place but maybe the reason you're losing the game is because they're better than you are. And so oftentimes, I think we talk a lot about letting go of negative emotions, but in my experience, the desire for triumph gets us into a lot of

trouble, right? I want to be number one. It's all ego. So what we're going to do in this meditation, it's going to have basically two parts. The first part is going to be a visualization of sorts. So I'll walk y'all through evoking something that makes you feel triumphant. And then we're going to let go of that triumph. We're going to sort of almost grieve it, like let it go, let detach from it, and just let it go, so that we're not controlled by that desire anymore. Now, in the letting go part, this is where things get a little bit personalized. So for a lot of these meditations, there's an evoking of something, and then there's a transcendence of that thing. And in that transcendence phase, this is where your particular

temperament or cognitive style comes in. So when I teach meditation, oftentimes what I'll do is I'll work with an individual. And so I'll figure out, okay, this person likes sight-oriented meditations, this person likes visualizations, this person likes breath, this person likes sound, or there'll be some kind of anchor. This person likes mantra. They like chanting. You know, so we're not going to know exactly what that is. So we're going to use breath and then we're also going to do a mantra. Yeah. So, but this is where for that second phase, you can kind of adapt the meditation to whichever technique you like. So if you like breathing, you can do that. If you like chanting a mantra, you can chant your mantra in that kind of moment. But in that transcendent technique as we let go, we're going to use whatever practice centers us very easily. Okay? So I'll give you all just like three examples. So one will be a breathing practice that it will be focused on the navel.

So we're kind of kind of breathe in, feel that triumph, that feeling of triumph down there and let go the triumph through our exhalation. The next thing that we're going to do is focus on the third eye. So for those of you all that like third eye practices, and instead what we're going to do when we do this third eye practice is that we're going to see the nature of triumph. We're going to see our ego involved in this and we're going to just like mentally let it go. It's not breathing it out. It's not emotional. It's going to be insight-oriented. We're going to understand the origin of triumph. And then the third thing that we're going to do is chant a mantra. So I'll share Ome with you. But if you all, any of the Mahavakias or other general mantras will work for this kind of thing. So you can use, but we're just going to do Ome. Right? So in your mind, you're going to chant Ome or you can chant it aloud and you'll kind of let that triumph go. Okay? Okay. So let's begin. So sit up straight, close your eyes. I'm kind of confused why everyone is commenting on my appearance today, but I appreciate the confidence. Amen. So sit up straight,

close your eyes. We're going to start by taking a moment to center ourselves. So when we center ourselves, we can focus on our breath. I like to lean into my proprioception, which is our sense of our position in space. So if I raise my arm, I can tell my arm is up here. If I lower my arm, I can tell my arm is down here. So even with your eyes closed, you can feel your body. You can feel where you are in space. So I'm going to tune into that.

You can feel your weight kind of going into the ground. Let your shoulders relax. Let your breathing slow. take a moment to work out any kinks that your body may have because we'll be still for the next part. Now what I want you to do is think about someone that pisses you off. Think about a person or a situation or resentment somewhere that you've been wronged where there was injustice in the world. Something that makes you want to make a fist and show.

shake it and pick one thing, something that really frustrates you. Notice the patterns of the memory or the situation. Appreciate the aspects of it. You may even notice that it's kind of hard to evoke the toxicity that you used to feel, which is noteworthy. But do your best. And now what I want you to do is imagine a scenario in which you will feel trying to. in that situation. So you'll give them a piece of your mind, or you will one-v-one them in mid. You dumpster them, you put them in their place.

Maybe they're getting into shape to make you look bad. And you'll show them, you're going to get into more shape. You're going to get into the best shape, and then they'll see, then they'll learn. So let those feelings come forth as well. The sensation of triumph, of justice, visualize what it would look like, your moment of victory, if it was memorialized in a painting. And now what we're going to do is take those feelings, the feelings of resentment, the feelings of

anger, as well as the feelings of triumph and righteousness. And we're going to imagine that they're in our belly, like a knot of different feelings all tied together, kind of red and black in color. almost like a tangled ball of yarn that is red and black. Because there is something ugly about that victory. We're going to start by breathing into it and then breathe out. And as you experience those emotions, as you continue breathing, let each one of them go. So in the first scenario, go through it again. But pause this time when you feel an emotion and breathe into it and let that emotion go.

And then the next thing happened in your story, in that traumatic event, and breathe into it. And let that resentment go. And in that way, as you breathe, go through your resentful scenario, letting each negative emotion go one at a time. We'll continue for about 30 seconds or so. And now what we're going to do is think about the triumphant scenario. So imagine that you've let all of those red feelings out. So all that remains now is a tangled ball of black and go through the fantasy of your triumph.

And as you imagine your victory over the undeserving, notice that tarry blackness inside you. And with each of those emotions as well as you go through your orchestrate your victory, pause and breathe out that triumph. Let it go. Go through each emotion, breathing into your stomach, and letting it go. Let go of your victory. And now what we'll do is if you've had experience with any kind of agna chakra or third eye practices, like charging the laser beam or other kinds of things through Dr. K's guide, we're going to focus on the point of our third eye. And we're going to drive our attention to it.

It's the space between our eyebrows right about right here. And now we're going to just notice while concentrating on that point what the nature of these feelings are. So you don't have to actively go through the mental scenarios. We want to focus on that third eye center and just let your mind digest. Actually, don't need to be thinking much at all. Notice the nature of these things.

See your attachment. See the anger and resentment that you feel, which is born of entitlement, of what you deserve, and that the concept of deserving comes from the ego. And look for ego in the triumph as well. See how triumph is nothing but ego. And now notice how in this space, of calm observation, these feelings mean almost nothing to you.

But as you center yourself in who you truly are, in this vastness of experience, in this observing self, how the ego matters less, and let yourself, let it go. Let yourself, let go of the anger, of the resentment, of the triumph, of the need for justice. Realize that this whole process has already deprived you of peace. Then engaging in it further will only deprive you of more peace. So let it go. Now you can either out loud or silently in your head, repeat the mantra oom, or a mantra of your choice. I'm sort of feeling Omnamaha Shivai is the appropriate thing in this moment. And use the mantra to seal this meditation experience.

All of the peace that you've felt, all of the learning that you have, all of the grounding that you've attained, use the mantra to seal it and plant it within you. And you've let go of it now. You need no justice. Your ego has been let go. and sit with the peace within you. And now with a deep breath in and out, start to return to the world.

Once again, tap into the proprioceptive sense, the feeling of your body in space. And as you return to your body, notice all the wiggling that you need to do. Maybe your legs have fallen asleep. Maybe you're feeling thirsty. notice all the sensations which are returning to you now. As you breathe in and exhale, prepare yourself to fully come back,

put your palms together in front of you in namaste position, give gratitude to yourself and to the universe for allowing you to let go of this problem, to let go of your triumph and your anger, and to see that there are two sides of the same coin. and by chasing one, we give power to the other. That resentment fuels the triumph. And chasing the triumph fuels the resentment.

And with one final inhalation, as you exhale, bow your head, and slowly open your eyes. So a couple of things. The first is, sometimes this happens. So I tend to steer clear of the mantras and the spiritual practices that have more a religious background. But even then, I kind of dispute that characterization because I think a lot of what we understand as religion, even the term religion, is actually like a Western and almost Judeo-Christian concept. So I sort of reject to the premise that some of what I teach is religious in nature, although from an academic sense, you can absolutely make that argument.

I just think that that's a mistake on the part of historical academia. So today, I offered Omnamaha Shivai, which is absolutely on the religious end of what we teach. So I don't think it involves believing anything in anything. So let me explain a little bit. So Shiva is viewed as the god of destruction, but that's not really what Shiva is. Like if you actually ask scholars of this tradition, of the yogic tradition, Shiva is simply the word for consciousness. And sometimes what happens is these concepts get embodied within a god, but that's not really what Shiva means. Like the actual Sanskrit term of Shiva means consciousness.

And so what you're sort of tapping into is like that sense of consciousness, which is free of form and substance and desire and all that kind of stuff. So if it bothers you that that's religious in background, by all means, discard it. And at the same time, that's just what felt authentic in the moment. So I went with it. It wasn't where I was planning on going. But that's what happens. And so as Chinese cabbage farmer is saying, Shiva represents a certain level of consciousness, well said. And so what we're shooting for is that. As we transcend the ego, we move one step closer to consciousness. And by invoking Shiva, what we aim to do is move one step closer to transcendent consciousness. And top key, 007, was saying, very new experience.

Thank you so much. You're very welcome. Welcome to the stream. And someone else was saying, I don't want to. So Pepegas was saying, I don't want to let it go. I capture the part of me that wants to hold me back. I locked it and now I have control over it. I can't let it go.

If I do, all I've been working for till now will be for nothing. So this is where I'd say, if you're, if you don't want to let it go and you're not ready to let it go, then don't let it go. So holding on to our resentment and our triumph is sometimes what we need. So there's like, you know, if I have a five-year-old kid who loves their blankie, do they need the blankie? No. Does the blankie do a whole lot for them? Not really. It's purely emotional. It's purely an attachment. They don't need the blankie. If they lost the blankie, they'd be fine. 20 years later, they're going to be okay. So oftentimes, and at the same time, if we yank the blanket

away from them, we tell me, you don't need this. This is for kids. That in and of itself is going to be traumatic. And yet how many of you, presumably adults, have blankies? We let things go when we're ready to. So if you're not ready, then hang on to it. If you're not ready to let it go, don't let it go. Then lean into the Aghajhakra part and try to understand it. What is this? Why am I not ready to let it go?

Can you at least see that the resentment and the triumph go hand in hand? You can't have one without the other. If you're afraid because you've built up an adaptation that involves control instead of surrender, that's fine. run with it. And just be aware that at one point, the strategy that you've developed may not work so great anymore. And if you ever discover that that's the case, then come back to this practice. And it'll be here waiting for you. And you may discover that you never get there. You may discover that there is not right, that you should never get there. That that's terrible. That the presumptions

that I'm making are 100% wrong. And even if you get there, that's a wonderful place to be. As long as you're sure in it, that's fine. Who said I was the arbiter of truth? So if you're not ready to let it go, hang on to it. Just accept and notice that you're not ready to let it go.

Right? That's enough for today. So Alpha Inhibitor 98 is doing different types of meditation okay or should you stick to one type? Both. So I think you should try lots of different kinds of meditation until you find one that resonates with you feels easy and or lets you like enter a meditative state pretty easily. Then you should practice that one. Right. So once you find something,

it's like, you know, should I eat the same food every day or should I eat different foods every day? And it's like, well, it's a combination of both, right? You try a lot of things until you figure out what you like. and then you can start like, you know, you get groceries to make your weekly or monthly regimen. You make chili once a month. You know, you do salad once a week. Like you figure out what your rotation is and then you craft your meditation practice that way. Quick, choose a meal deal with McValue. The $5 McChicken meal deal?

The $6 McDonald's deal? Or the new $7 daily double meal deal. Each with its own small fries drink and four piece of McNuggets. There's actually no rush. I'm just excited from McDonald's. For a limited time, only person to participation may vary, not Belverick delivery. Right. And the whole point, the challenge is that what a lot of people, this is the reason we teach

meditation the way that we do is a lot of people are taught. So a lot of teachers of meditation are experts in one tradition. So if you think about like who teaches meditation, like usually like monks and stuff, right? Or you'll have some trained teacher at like a meditation center. And usually what happens is you have to get like certified nowadays to teach meditation. I'm a level three meditation instructor. And so what's the thing. And so what's the they've done is they've like advanced very high in this one tradition. But if we look at it historically, there are like thousands of traditions of meditation, if not more.

And so why? Like, why are there so many different traditions of meditation? Because there are lots of different kinds of minds. And the reason that so many different kinds of meditation have flourished is because different minds require different techniques, just like there's lots of different foods. The challenge is that as a society, we have started to believe in experts. Oh, this person is an expert. And even the person teaching you is like, I'm the expert.

I know. Because I've done level three. I've done level three training. You do not realize how knowledgeable I am. I'm level three, meditation instructor. But they've only been taught usually one tradition. So what they teach you is their tradition. And then what happens is people say meditation isn't for me.

Or they think they're bad at it. And then the meditation teacher tells them, consistency is important. practice is important. You'll get it eventually. Everyone struggles with this. It's a normal part of the meditative process. You'll hear about persistence and dedication, which is like sort of true. But maybe the reason that people struggle with it and maybe the reason that it happens to everyone is because you're a bad teacher or your technique is bad. Did you ever consider that? Did you ever consider that if your student is having a problem? If the student is struggling, that's a fault of the teacher,

a fault of the student. But this has been completely lost in meditation instruction. This is the way to meditate. You can go to wherever you want to. They'll teach you their technique. They'll charge you $0, $100, $1,000, $1,000, $10,000 to meditate the best way. And if it's not working for you, try harder. Right?

So it's been my experience. So part of the reason that I didn't become a monk was because I couldn't find, I mean, I found one place where I tried and they said no. but, or they said later. But as a consequence of that, I went and I explored lots of different kinds of meditation techniques. I went to different ashtrums in India, South Korea, Japan, and studied a lot of different meditation.

What I sort of came to the conclusion of was, oh, like there's like different kinds of temperaments, different kinds of cognitive fingerprints. No two minds are exactly the like. Therefore, the technique of meditation for no two minds will be exactly the same. And so experiment until you find what works for you. right? Just like you find what food you like, that happens through experimentation. And meditation should be the same way. Meditation tier lists. So we already have something like a tier list. I don't know about tears because that implies that one is better than the other. But we do have,

if you all are interested, if you check out Dr. Kay's Guide to Meditation, there's a segment on like history of meditation and different kinds of meditation. So we break apart like how, when I'm working with someone, there's a set of different rules that I'll use in terms of recommending a meditation. So, for example, is this someone who likes to focus their mind? Or is this someone who needs curiosity in order to get their mind to focus? So this is where, you know, there are two different techniques. In one technique, I will give someone a particular mantra to chant, and that works really well for them. And another technique, I'll ask someone, decipher the sound of the ocean. or decipher the sound of your breath.

Spell it out for me. What is the sound that your breath makes? And what gets them to sit every day and focus on it for 20 minutes is if they're trying to figure something out. That's what they need to get their mind to sit still. So that's where really if you want to learn meditation, like have a customized technique.

Yeah, so Platt, Kahnit is saying the Kaish Theorem meditation was absolutely amazing, even just to experience once and not practice regularly. But I found it works great for me personally. Yeah, that's because, so that's where like, I love that technique. And it's one of the techniques that has truly taught me. And I think for those of you, people that it worked for you, you understand now what

meditation truly is. Because if you think about that technique, what you're doing is sit still and be aware. That's what the technique is. But it's so much more than that, right? That technique teaches you the nature of life and joy and relief and suffering. And for people who weren't there, like, you're not going to, like, sorry. Right. But hopefully we'll teach it somehow more consistently.

But it's not for everyone. Not everyone has that experience. But for some people, it awakens them. Holy crap. This is what it means to be alive. And that's the goal of meditation. But it's not going to work for everyone. Right?

Different things work for different people. and that's okay but I'm glad it worked for you is that the sit still one absolutely and some people may be like what that didn't happen for me