HealthyGamerGG - I Always Think They're Mad at Me

Episode Date: May 31, 2022

Today Dr. K talks about what to do when you always feel like your partner is mad at you, how to communicate better, and dealing with preconceptions. Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Somewhere along the way, your mind has learned, right? Because that's what our mind does. That silence or a lack of overt expression of anger means that someone is angry with you and they're just not saying it. As you tolerate an emotion, it naturally extinguishes over time. The problem with emotions is when we give in to them, they grow. but when we just like sort of like respond neutrally to an emotion it actually like extinguishes over time I don't like the idea of somebody going about their relationship kind of constantly in fear of their partner getting mad at them so I feel like having conversations around like how to healthily express that you're not happy about something the other one is doing is a good idea hello I'll keep on assuming that my partner is upset with me.

Whenever he's like, sigh, or he's silent for a long time. And I seem to be afraid of him getting mad at me. So my question is, how can I stop fearing that? I didn't hear the very first part of what you were saying. Can you say that one more time? Oh, sorry. I'm a bit quiet, but I'll try to, okay. I keep on assuming my partner is upset with me.

Whenever he hears sigh, be silent for a long time. They seem to be afraid of him getting mad at me. How can I stop fearing that? Does your partner get mad at you? Well, no. I always kind of assume that he's going to get mad at me whenever he shows like, it's like this sign of being upset with something.

I assume it's like about me. Okay. Thanks for clarifying. Do other people get mad at you? Um, not really. So how do you, so this is, this is an interesting, you want to take a stab at this or? No, I just love her.

I don't want to hold her. So this is, it's kind of interesting because let me just think about. So a lot of times people will ask questions like, how do I stop being afraid that my partner is mad at me? So what a lot of people are looking for is a solution that removes the emotion from the equation, right? Like, I want to stop feeling this way. Whereas I think the real answer is not to stop feeling that way because something is going on in your mind. There's some, somewhere along the way your mind has learned, right, because that's what our mind does, that silence or a lack of overt expression of anger means that someone is angry with you and they're

just not saying it. And the problem with that is that if you continue to kind of be in your own head, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Like if I say to Kruthi, like, why are you mad at me? Yeah. By the 10th time, I'm going to be like... Right? So she's like, I'm not mad at you. No, no, no, no, I know you're mad at me. Like, why are you mad at me? Like, what did I do? Why won't you tell me? We're not mad. Right? And then she yells, I'm not mad. So it sort of becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. So your mind sort of learns like, oh, like they really were. See, I knew it. I knew it all along they were actually bad at me. So you've got to be a little bit careful there. So what I would actually recommend doing is sharing with your partner. what you're feeling in that moment. And so this isn't where, and then what your partner is likely to do

is to try to reassure you, I'm not mad at you. And then you can share with them again that, you know, when you say that to me, for some reason, my mind isn't able to digest it. And then oddly enough, for you and your partner,

for your partner not to reassure you, like we don't want to have your partner try to fix you being afraid that they're mad with you, but that the two of you can just sort of sit with your fear. and like just tolerate it. Because the problem is going to be that as you as you tolerate an emotion,

it naturally extinguishes over time. The problem with emotions is when we give in to them, they grow. But when we just like sort of like respond neutrally to an emotion, it actually like extinguishes over time. So one way to kind of think about like that's the principle behind exposure therapy, which is that we literally expose patients to what they're, afraid of. And then we just let the fear come up and then we just don't do anything with it. And then the fear like kind of naturally extinguishes. So what I would recommend is share with your

partner what's going on in your head, but don't try to fall into the trap of reassurance. Before you do that, can I ask you a few questions? Yes. How long have you been together? A little bit more than a year. More than a year. Go ahead. Long distance. So we have met like maybe three times.

Are you still long distance? Yes. We're planning on not being wrong distance, but for now we're long distance. But the few times we have met, I noticed that it's, you know, it's not only over online video calls that I feel that whenever he makes a angry look or something, that I fear that he's mad at me. It's also the same in real life. So I notice it's not about the online things can be confusing. It's the same in real life too.

Okay, so long-distance relationship, did you meet in person or you met online? Well, we met in person. Ah, okay. And how long did you know each other in person? About the whole year? We worked in person. Okay, and were the kind of size and looks at that, did that happen when you were first together? I'm trying to understand if this is like a new.

thing or if this has always been there? No. When we first went together, I didn't notice that it was like a bit later that it started coming when we like get it to know each other more and stuff. Got it. Another question that I have is, is it okay for your partner to be mad at you? I guess not. I guess I'm like really sensitive to like being mad at me. So like a few times you have been mad at me.

It's been really, like, bad for me. Yeah, so I think more long-term. So I think there's, like, a short-term, like, communication is key here. And what is communication mean? Because everyone's like, communication is really important, but no one ever tells you, like, what does that actually mean? So I would share that, you know, I, for some reason, my mind is telling me that you're upset with me right now and it's making me uncomfortable.

Have, have, when he was, is it mad at you or upset with you? Like, are these situations where he feels like you've wronged him in some way and has been, like, angry with you? Or are these, like, more just general? Yeah, I know. The first one. Okay. So, like, upset with me.

Okay. And then... Does not happen a lot, but, you know, it happens sometimes very rarely. Okay. And then when you, when you guys make up, do you talk about how, hey, that was really hard for me when you got that angry with me. Yeah, we talk about it. And what he says is usually like, yeah, I know I probably shouldn't have like gotten that

mad at you. Like, like, probably shouldn't have sort of with the insults, you know? That was like a step before. I should have kept it like more objective, you know? Okay. Yeah, I feel like I understand a little bit more. And I definitely agree with what Alok said. But I do think in addition to this, you can have some boundaries over what you are willing and not willing to like engage with. So you can say like, hey, I really can't handle it when you get angry with me like this. and if you are feeling this way, I need some space, I need some time. I need you to, because of your long distance, also that makes it hard. So you can be like, can you write this down for me because it's hard for me to be in a

situation where I think you're going to explode at me or something. I don't know the dynamic exactly. But I think I don't like the idea of somebody going about their relationship. kind of constantly in fear of their partner getting mad at them. So I feel like having conversations around like how to healthily express that you're not happy about something the other one is doing is a good idea. Like I think it's a good idea to have conversations around like, you know, I'm getting a little anxious that you're getting upset with me because the last time we went through

this, this was really hard for me. So if you are upset with me, can you please, like, fill in the blank. Can you please let me know before it gets bad? Can you please write it down for me so I can know what's going on with you? Can you please just be straightforward that, hey, I'm doing something that upsets you? Like, whatever that irrelevant situation is. But I think I'm nervous that you would kind of have that constant fear because long-distance relationships are hard. So sometimes I think, like, if that is what is happening, then I feel like a conversation about how to communicate discontent with each other is a good idea. There's a possibility, like I know we were long-distance for years, and sometimes, like,

sometimes I feel like all got the worst of me because that was the time where I was like, It's such a shitty day, and here's all the bad stuff that's happening. And he was the person that I would kind of unload on. And I think there's a way, like, if that could have easily been interpreted as, like, God, this girl does not want to be with me. Like, she's angry with me because, like, I'm constantly hearing the complaints. So I guess if I had to, like, branch this out, right? Like, he either is mad at you or he's not.

If he's not mad at you, what is actually going on? If he is mad at you, have some conversations around boundaries and what's going on and, like, healthy expressions of anger. And I also really like the idea of, like, once you make up, like, what did we learn? Uh, I don't know. Like, when you make up, do you feel like, oh, this, I've learned that he doesn't like this, or I've learned that when I do this, this is like something that he can't deal with. Yeah, I guess you do.

Like, you learn how the person, like, felt when you did something. Right. You can understand them better. Right. Do you feel like you could do what Gruthy is asking you to do? Communicating when I start to feel like he's mad at me. I'm sorry. What?

communicating when I feel like he's man of me. Yeah, do you think you could do that? Do you think you could set boundaries on him about how insulting you is not okay? Well, I feel like he won't listen when he's angry. What about when he's not angry? When he's not angry, yes. Okay. So I think that's useful.

I think the other thing to just remember, or maybe I can ask you, is what kind of emotions should you expect your partner to feel over the course of your relationship? What do you mean by over the course of? So like, let's say you date this person for another year. Which emotions do you think your partner will feel over the course of that year? All kinds of emotions. Yeah, right, exactly. So, like, in a weird way, I know it's kind of weird,

but, like, he's going to get angry. And that's okay. It's like part of the price you pay for being in a relationship, right? Because you're not the perfect partner and he isn't the perfect partner. But angry with her? Sure. But it sounds like she doesn't see it coming. Like, it's just kind of out of nowhere.

Well, I mean, I think there's a couple things so you can absolutely do all the communication stuff. But, you know, what I'm really noticing is that there's a part of you that feels like anger in a relationship. is unacceptable and should be avoided at all costs. Is that fair? Yeah. So I think that I think is you're setting an unrealistic expectation on yourself. Because it is a part of relationships. Does that make sense?

It may be terrifying. What do you think about that? Yeah, I think that, you know, that as you're saying, that he's going to feel all kinds of emotions because he's the human too and I can't expect him to not ever get angry because then he would be like

a robot, you know? I have to accept that he's going to be angry sometimes and be angry with me sometimes even, but I mean it's a bit confused so I can like

assume somebody is mad at me just because they like sigh and then even though I ask him all the time like are you mad at me when he does that and he says no he's still like the next time he's sigh I still are like are you mad at me like even though I constantly get told

sigh doesn't equal that somebody is mad at you yeah so I think there's there's that's where the communication piece comes in. So I think there's like two things here, just to kind of summarize. One is the communication piece that when you're feeling like this person is angry with you, sometimes it sounds like that perception is actually incorrect. The challenge is that if we put ourselves in his shoes, how is he, if he size, which humans do, and you interpret that as anger, like how can he kind of fix that, right? Because it's kind of hard because it's kind of like the

example I shared with Gruthy where it's like, if I'm like, hey, are you mad at me? And she says, no, and I'm like, oh, she's just saying that. That's what my mind will tell me, right? She's not really telling me what's going on. And so you're sort of setting up a situation in which, like, there's only one outcome because you're not able to be reassured. So communication there is really important. But I think the other thing that is more long term is just your relationship with being

unable to tolerate his anger. So if he's insulting you and stuff, that's not acceptable. So you should set boundaries around that. Maybe not while he's angry, but after the fact, you can say, hey, you know, like, that's really not okay. So completely agree with that. But just for you to understand that, first of all, he's going to get upset in relationships. He may get upset with you.

And then this is the wild thing. Just because he's upset with you doesn't mean that you did something wrong. Right? Because, like, sometimes we get mad at people. in fact, frequently we get mad at people, especially those closest to us, when we are upset with something else in our life. Right. Right. So if I'm having problems at work and I can't yell at my boss and I'm carrying that anger around with me, what am I going to do when I get home? I'm going to lash out at my family members.

Right? So that's where like he may even get angry with you, but somewhere along the way you've got to do some like good deep work and understand that just, because he's mad at you doesn't actually mean that you're doing anything wrong. Because that's just the way that humans are. He may not be able to separate his anger or frustration with other things from, and he may let it out on you in some way, which isn't good on his part. I'm not saying that that's okay, but it's, we're human. And for you to sort of understand that, like, he may sometimes get mad at you because that's what happens in relationship. Sometimes it's unfortunate, but we offer the worst parts of ourselves to the people that we care of about the most and the people that we're closest to, which is a real tragedy that will, you know,

behave one way with people that we don't care about and then we behave in our worst ways with people that we love and we do care about. Thoughts about that? I think it sounds so good. I remember you also said something that caught my interest about, like, not. trying to avoid the fear, like not trying to fix the fear, but like sitting with the fear. I cannot, maybe the same thing as communicating. I don't know. Yes. So I'll give you, I'll give you an example, okay? So I was once working with someone who had been in a prior relationship where their partner was unfaithful with that. So this person started to, like, they had a lot of.

distrust because they'd been betrayed. And so later, a couple years later, they found a new relationship, ended up getting pregnant. And what they sort of noticed is as they got more pregnant and as they started to feel insecure about their body, they started to become really, really paranoid that their partner would start being unfaithful with them, completely different person. And the person had not really given them any reason to, you know, think that this person is going to be unfaithful. You following me so far? No? And so then what would happen is the person would, so the person I was working with, the pregnant woman, would be afraid, be paranoid.

Okay, like my partner's cheating on me. So what she would do is when he would take a shower at night, she would start going through his phone. And just to make sure that he wasn't doing anything bad, right? So then she did it once and she was like, okay, so it looks like I have nothing to worry about. and then after she checked his phone once, do you think the fear went away? No. Absolutely not, right?

So then she was like, okay, I have nothing to worry about. Went away for a couple of days, and then it started creeping back in. The more her belly grew bigger, the less attractive she felt, the more the paranoia got worse. And then she started checking his phone more frequently. And then it got to the point where she checked his phone every night

when he went to take a shower. And after she did that for a week, do you think she stopped? No. Of course not, right? So the more that she gave into the fear, the bigger it became. And so eventually he caught her, right?

And then like, they both wound up in my office. And so we sort of had a conversation about it. And then what we sort of came to the conclusion of because he felt like it was a betrayal of trust. He felt like it was very, very unfair for her to think. those thoughts about him because he had been nothing but faithful. And he was like, I've never done anything that, you know, I've never, like, it's not fair what you're doing. Like, I understand that you're afraid, but it's not fair to me that you're violating my privacy. And so then what we kind of came

to the conclusion to, and the person was like, I actually don't mind that you're looking through my phone. Like, I have nothing to hide. But like, the fact that you're kind of doing it behind my back and, like, I feel kind of violated. And so then what we sort of came to the conclusion of is when she's feeling that way, she should communicate that to him. And then something cool started to happen. So she tells him, hey, like, I'm feeling kind of paranoid. I'm feeling like, you know, you're going to find someone who's prettier than me and someone who's not pregnant and things like that. And so he'd be like, you know, that's not the case. Do you want to look through my phone? And then she'd offer it, right? And then she'd say like, no, no, no, it's okay. And then, like,

over time what happened is like every time she sort of felt that way, he was like, you can look through my phone if you want to. Would that make you? feel better and she would say no. And then over time, she's like, you know, I'm kind of feeling like I want to look through your phone and then they just like sit together. They talk about it for a few minutes and then they'd be fine. So sort of like acknowledging the fear, noticing the fear, but not giving into it kind of together seem to actually diminish it because then she's not giving into it.

So the thoughts and emotions in our mind that we give into are the ones that grow. Does that make sense in terms of how to sit with something? Yes. It makes very much sense. Right? And someone in chat is saying, second phone confirmed. And believe me, that was a part of the conversation as well. Right? And then eventually what you realize is there's like, if someone, if your partner is paranoid, there's nothing you can do. There's some stuff you can do within reason. But there's no amount of objective truth that you can give to the paranoid mind to convince it. Does that make sense? Like people can be so damn paranoid that second phones, third phones, fourth phones, fifth phones, right? Like your mind can get, take control of you. And so that's where I'm sort of suggesting that you talk to your partner about how you're feeling and then you all learn how to sit with it.

As opposed to, you know, kind of giving into it or stopping feeling that way. That's mine. Okay. Does that answer, does that help? Yes, it helps very much. Thank you. Thank you for calling in. And good luck. Good luck. I hope y'all are able to be long distance, I mean, not be long distance anymore because that sucks.

It does. Thank you for having me. Bye.