HealthyGamerGG - I Am Always Stuck in My Own Head

Episode Date: August 16, 2022

Today Dr. K talks about analysis paralysis, IQ/EQ Imbalance, emotional needs, reflective listening, and more! Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In a world where everyone was forced to leave the comfort of their homes to get drinks, one hero emerged. Its name was Drizzly, the number one app for alcohol delivery. And it allowed everyone to compare prices on the biggest selection of beer, wine, and spirits, and get them delivered in under 60 minutes. All they needed to do was download the Drizley app or go to Drsley.com. That's D-R-I-Z-L-Y.com to take destiny in their hands. It's hard to be in this situation because everyone is out there telling you what the answer is, but you can't seem to do it.

You get so frustrated with yourself that you're looking for some out-of-the-box creative solution because the strategy you've been using hasn't been working. Analysis paralysis of my own feelings and being tired of embracing my emotions. Okay? Let's take a look. I don't know if this is the right timing to ask on mental health. It's literally 4 a.m. on the East Coast. But here we go.

Long post. Imagine that you have analysis paralysis. There are numerous web articles that talk about this, and the answers are similar. Don't sweat over things. Learn to overcome perfectionism. Realize that failure at some point is inevitable. Practice self-compassion. Focus on dealing with your anxiety physiologically.

Aim for good enough instead of very good, yada, yada, yada. Except good enough is the exception, while underperforming is the norm. and I don't even know well how to be good enough. And it's on a perhaps very basic executive function. Doing a task and stay relatively focused while not having a major emotional restraint from it. While I'm getting better at the doing a task and stay relatively focused one,

not having a major emotional restraint like distress, anxiety, demotivation, craving, distraction remains very hard for me. The point of the confusion is there are so many emotional reasons to make me avoid work. work. One day it could be anxiety. Next day, it could be demotivation. And the next day, it could be my cravings to internet and overeating that make me browse the net for hours and so on. And I've made and tried so many strategies and meta-strategies, strategies on this, but nothing

seems to work well. I even avoid listing my best strategies now because I hate that any discussion of this topic might get laser-focused to those strategies only. I'm done with critically analyzing my ways. I need out-of-the-box creative perspectives and reframeings. This has been hindering my productivity forever. Any perspectives? TLDR, I have a frequent analysis paralysis, but instead of perfect versus good enough, it's good enough is the jackpot and underperforming is the norm. All right. So let's look at this. Sometimes we're on the struggle bus. We recognize that we've got a problem. We recognize that it's hard for us to consistently do work. That's the core of the issue. And even in some ways, we can train a part of it, right? I can

train my mind to stay on task for some amount of time. But then what happens is emotions get in the way. And what I notice is on a day-to-day basis, I have different kinds of emotional crap going on. One day I feel anxious, one day I feel distressed, one day I feel despair. One day I'm beating myself up because I wasted yesterday. And over time, I feel more frustrated with myself. This is a problem that needs to be fixed. If it's a problem that needs to be fixed, there are solutions. So there are multiple articles on the web talking about analysis paralysis.

And they give us all kinds of answers and solutions of overcome perfectionism. Focus on good enough, right, instead of very good. acknowledge that failure is a part of the learning process. A lot of the stuff that we say, right? All those answers are out there, and we read those answers, and we know those answers, and we try to apply those answers, and we run into this emotional problem. And so over time, we try strategy after strategy after strategy, and none of them seem to be working, or they work hit or miss, not consistently.

And so now what I need is a different kind of strategy, a meta-strategy, a creative strategy, a creative strategy, an out-of-the-box strategy, I need some kind of inspiration that'll fix this problem. Why does this happen to us? Why do we get stuck in analysis paralysis and looking for solutions? Why is it that there are solutions out there? They don't seem to work, right? If I could just do them, because it's the right answer.

It's like, stop being so perfectionistic. Okay, practice self-compassion, okay. Like, the answers are out there, and people say they work. There's scientific studies about them. Dr. Kay talks about them. My friends talk about them. They share this with me. I see it on my feed.

This is the answer. It's the answer. Why doesn't it work? Okay, it's because of these emotions. But I'm tired of embracing my emotions. I've been doing it for a while. People have been saying, okay, if you're stuck in analysis paralysis, embrace your emotions. But that doesn't, I'm tired of doing that.

I want an answer. I want a solution. Really hard, right? It's hard to be in this situation because everyone is out there telling you what the answer is, but you can't seem to do it. And like, you get so frustrated with yourself that you're looking for some out-of-the-box creative solution because the strategy you've been using hasn't been working. So let's try to understand what your strategy is and why it doesn't work, or has limited success, let's say.

So the first thing. So when we engage in analysis paralysis, the first thing that we've got to understand, is the difference between cognition and emotional strategies. So a cognitive strategy tends to be solution-focused, problem-focused. And I know it sounds kind of weird, but I think sometimes a cognitive strategy can masquerade as an emotional one. Okay? So what does that mean?

So when people say, okay, embrace your emotions, what people who are very, very, like, a metacognitive and hypercognitive will do, very common for gifted kids, by the way, is they'll actually use like a cognitive approach to emotions. So they won't actually feel, they'll analyze emotions. So it's not actually embracing emotion, it's analysis of emotion. So let me give you all an example. So if we go back to this post, right? So look at what they're doing, not having a major, a major emotional restraint, distress. anxiety, demotivation, craving, distraction remains hard for me. And they kind of say, one day it could be anxiety, next day it could be demotivation,

next day it's cravings, it could be my cravings to the internet and overeating. So this is what's going on. They're analyzing what they experience. Oh, today this is anxiety. Today this is distraction. Today this is despair. Today this is frustration. This is actually a cognitive analysis.

of emotion. And then what do you do when you're operating in this kind of realm? What you also do is find solutions. So what do they do? They're like, oh, okay, so like, I'm, you know, I have trouble. I procrastinate, let's say. So I'm going to read about procrastination on the internet. They come up with solutions.

Right? So overcome perfectionism. learn to accept that failure is a part of the process, right? Don't sweat. Don't sweat it. Believe in yourself. Self-compassion. There are all these answers out there.

But this, too, is cognitive. 100%. This is all cognitive. None of this is emotional work. So there's another interesting example of this. There are two kinds of empathy. there's cognitive empathy and there's emotional empathy. And then you may ask yourself, but wait a second, isn't empathy empathic by nature?

No. So this is what's really interesting. If you look at some studies, what they show is that people who struggle to be empathic will essentially use cognitive reasoning as a substitute for empathy. So like, for example, if I go to a funeral and everyone else is crying, but I don't feel sad, what I'm going to do is cognitively figure. out, okay, how should I act empathic in this situation? Okay, let me sniff an onion so I start tearing up and I'm going to give people hugs and I'm going to say consoling words. It's a

cognitive approach. It's almost like we're a robot pretending to be human when we use cognitive empathy. Right? You all see that? So this happens when we have an over-reliance of cognitive strength in our mind with essentially like an IQ-EQ imbalance. So generally speaking, we have IQ, which is our reasoning ability. We have EQ, which is our awareness of emotions and things like that. And for some people, what happens, especially if you've got high IQ, is that we start using this more. So we level it up. And since we get by with using IQ for all kinds of things, our EQ starts to kind of get rusty.

And then over time, we'll develop this balance where we become overly intellectual. And if we become overly intellectual and not in touch with our emotions, we wind up with analysis paralysis. Because what we're trying to do is fix an emotion with a cognitive process, which fundamentally can work, but it's hard, and there are things that are missing. So, for example, if you look at like cognitive restructuring, cognitive behavioral therapy, things like that, even the yogic perspective of digestion of some scars, you can use cognition as a is a method of processing some emotions, but generally speaking, we tend to be missing a couple of things here. So that's what we're going to teach you. So if you're stuck in analysis paralysis, what do you do? Because it's kind of weird because even this person now is saying, I'm done with critically analyzing my ways. I guess I need an out-of-the-box creative perspective

or reframing. That's actually another cognitive solution. Do you guys see this? This is logical. This is not emotional. All of their solutions are logical in nature. They're all cognitive in nature. This is why they continue to fail. Because what someone does is they logically say, okay, I tried critically analyzing. Let me try uncritically analyzing. Let me try creative inspiration. It's a logical thought process.

They're like a scientist who's trying to figure something out. You guys get this? Do you all see that? It's the same thing. It's looking for a logical solution. They're trying to solve a problem. They're looking for a solution. Do you all get that?

So if you're looking for a solution, that is not embracing your emotions. Embracing your emotions is not about fixing them. It's about embracing them. It's about accepting them. It's not about changing them. Do you all get that? So here's the thing.

If I accept something, I accept it. right? Take it as is. And so as long as you're operating to try to fix something or solution focused, you're not actually accepting it. Now, you can change after acceptance, which we'll kind of talk about. And this is what's so confusing for a lot of people who are stuck in an analysis paralysis, because they're like, wait a minute, if I just accept it and I don't try to fix it, does that just mean I'm doomed to suffer for eternity? Am I just supposed to accept that I'm procrastinating and undisciplinarious?

that doesn't work for me. That is not an acceptable solution because that means I'm going to continue procrastinating. That's the problem I'm trying to fix. So they reject acceptance, right? Because it's not acceptable to accept your procrastinating. It seems so counterintuitive. They're like, are you just, if I accept that I'm procrastinating, I just accept it. If I don't try to fix it, that means I'm going to be procrastinating the rest of my life. That's what I want to fix. That's not acceptable to me. So they start by rejecting it. acceptance. So let's try to understand how to deal with that, because it's tough. Let's start with this. Where do these states come from? Okay? Let's try to understand this. When I feel an emotion,

this emotion manifests in all kinds of cognitive ways. So let me give you all an example. Let's say I have a three-year-old kid who's afraid of the dark. If that kid is afraid of the dark, what are they going to say? They're going to say, I'm afraid of monsters. They're going to say, I'm going to have a nightmare. They're going to say all kinds of things. I'm feeling sick to try to meet this emotional need. So when we have an emotional, when we have a powerful emotion that is subsurface,

it manifests as all kinds of different cognitive ways. These are probably have a shared root. right? So if you think about distraction, for example, and this person definitely has this kind of thing, too, or not definitely, I mean, we don't really know. But so when we find ourselves using coping behaviors, like craving the internet and craving overeating, these coping behaviors are a sign of a subsurface emotion. Because why do we overeat to make ourselves feel better? That satisfaction in our brain from eating like calorie dense food, actually. overcome some negative emotion, right? That's why people develop eating disorders sometimes. Sometimes the pathophysiology of it. Why do we turn to the internet? Because we're feeling bad on the inside. The tricky thing is that when we cognitively analyze what we feel in this moment, we can apply a label and then go looking for a solution. But all of these have a common root in an emotion. Because when we see this negative emotion, we also use coping mechanisms. So we have evident

here that there's a core emotion that is creating all these different manifestations. And it's just like this, right? It's just like the three-year-old, where they're going to come up with all kinds of reasons. But I can check under the bed and say there's no monsters there. And then the kid is going to turn to this one. And I'm going to sort of deal with this, and then the kid is going to turn to this one. I'm going to deal with this, and the kid is going to turn to come to this one. Does that make sense?

It's like playing whack-a-mole. So another sign of subsurface emotion is that you're playing whack-a-mole with surface emotions. So you feel anxiety one day, fear the next day, despair, sadness. They're all kind of popping up all the time, all the time, all the time, all the time. And so you try to fix each of these things with a different solution. I'm going to do research and I'm going to do this thing, then I'm going to do this thing, then I'm going to do this thing, then I'm going to do this thing. And yet the problem persists. Why is that?

It's because you're not attacking the root. So how do we decrease this? Because if we decrease the emotion, these things will reduce. Because this is the fuel for this. You all get that? So how do we reduce the energy of an emotion? You don't fix it. You can't fix an emotion.

Right? So if we look at something like we teach our coaches a technique called reflective listening. And the cool thing about reflective listening is that it decompresses emotional energy. This is something that also therapists are very good at, right? So a therapist, when you come in and you talk to a therapist and you say, I'm going through a divorce, a good therapist won't coerce your partner into staying with you. right therapists don't actually fix things on the outside what they help you do is decompress the emotions that you deal with and as you decompress those emotions the behaviors that arise out of those emotions the thoughts that arise out of those emotions are the things that actually start to reduce

so when i'm toxic to the people in my life because i feel unloved as i'm able to voice that to a therapist and be honest with that emotion, that kind of goes down. The energy of the emotion goes down, and the toxic behavior reduces as well. That's how therapy works sometimes. Therapy's complex, and there are lots of different ways to do it. But the key thing here is that you've got to reduce the emotional energy. And this person is doing a good job because they're trying to diagnose it, right?

They're trying to figure out, okay, what do I feel, what do I feel? What do I feel? The problem is that once they feel something, the first thing that they try to do is fix it. So instead, what I would recommend is if you're someone who is able to diagnose your emotions cognitively and then goes to solutions on the internet, tries to implement those solutions with varied success, because there is value to that, right? What I recommend that you do instead is ask yourself, where is this coming from?

Okay, I feel anxious today. I feel distractable. What am I trying to distract myself from? What am I worried about? Another question you can ask yourself. This is a tricky one. if I get caught up in this anxiety, what can I avoid thinking about? Because sometimes even negative emotions can be defensive mechanisms.

And then as you find that emotion, recognize, because here's the tricky thing when we experience a negative emotion, this is why it's so easy to reject and so hard to accept, because we don't want to feel that way. We want the feeling to go away. We want to fix it, so we never have to feel that way again. that is rejection of an emotion. It is not acceptance of an emotion. And this is what's so cognitively difficult about this because you may say to yourself, wait, but if I accept it and I don't try to fix it, does that mean that I'm doomed to experience this for the rest of my life? And that's where the big irony comes in. Because in accepting emotion is truly how you get free of it. And by trying to

get rid of it, you fall into an analysis paralysis trap where it's haunting you all the time and manifesting in a thousand different ways. So the bizarre thing is actually, yes, you have to accept that you may feel this way for the rest of your life. How does that make you feel? Because the other thread that's running through this, I don't know if you'll get this. The other thread that's running through this, could be wrong here, right? Because I've never talked to this person. Is a lot of frustration with the self.

Do you all get that? I've tried so many things, so many things, so many things, so many things, so many things. Nothing's working, nothing's working, nothing's working, nothing's working. And so in the back of your mind, when everyone has answers for what to do and they don't work, what does that say about you? Works for everyone else. I've done the research. Something's busted.

Deep down, core, something is busted. And when it's busted down there, it manifests as all kinds of things. because if I'm busted, of course I'm going to be anxious about the future because I don't have faith in myself, I don't have confidence in myself. Of course I'm going to have despair. Of course I'm going to distract myself through overeating

because I'm busted. And the next day that I wake up, I spent all day binge eating yesterday and not getting any work done, what does that reinforce? Self-critical, frustration, I'm busted. I can't stop.

I'm out of control. You start to believe these things about yourself. They become a really deep core of who you are, and they manifest in all kinds of different ways. So if you're in the analysis paralysis trap, start by recognizing, first of all, whether you're over-emphasizing cognitive approaches. And even then, it may feel like you're doing emotional work, or not feel. You're going to think you're doing emotional work, but you're not actually doing emotional work. You're doing cognitive work. You're analyzing things like emotions.

And then as you come up with solutions, that's not what emotional work is. Emotional work is not about solutions. It's about digesting and processing emotion. And that's where just talking about it is enough. We have decades of research on therapy. The majority of what you do is talk about it. And that decompresses the emotion. There are other factors that can decompress it as well.

So if you're kind of in the situation, start by recognizing you may not really be doing emotional work at all. and that accepting emotions is a huge part of it. Uncovering them is a huge part of it. And you can use some of these techniques like asking yourself, you know, what am I anxious about? What am I despairing about? How do I feel about myself? How does today make me feel about myself?

Where is this anxiety coming from? And in doing that kind of work, you can get to the emotion. And once you get to the emotion, hopefully you can sit with it and not try to fix it. So be it. And this is where the cognitive part of you is going to rebel. it's going to say, but oh my God, I can't sit with this. It's too painful.

Let's fix it instead. That's so much better because, hey, if we can figure out the solution to this, think about this, we never have to feel this way again. If we can become master meditators and meditate away all of our negative emotions, then we will have emotion resistance at 100%. And we never have to feel pain again. let me learn how to be the best meditator on the planet. And in doing so, you will become the worst meditator on the planet.

Because meditation isn't about accomplishing something. Everyone does it to accomplish something, including a lot of the original meditators who are doing it to accomplish enlightenment. Now we use it to accomplish reductions in our anxiety scales in a clinical setting. Let it be. And notice the cognitive part of your mind as it rebels.

Oh, no, no, no, no, we can't let it be. This means that my future is doomed. No, it's not. That's the scary thing, is that you can't let it possibly be doomed. You got to control it, got to fix it. You'll get that? You can't actually let it be. That terrifies you.

And as that terrifies you, you try to fix it. And as you try to fix it, you give in to the terror. The terror starts to control you. you. And then the whole cycle repeats. So now we're going to practice a meditation that's related to this. Very simple meditation. So the next time you're feeling not great about something. So I'll give you all kind of a more specific idea. The next time your mind is convincing you to not do something. And don't go to the grocery store today. Eh, don't work today.

Eh, cancel on your friends. Don't go to the party. Sit. Back straight, neck straight, eyes closed. First, start by noticing the rationale. Because any time your mind tries to convince you to do something, it gives you a rationale. Don't go to the party because what if you don't have fun? It'll be a waste of a night.

So start by noticing the rationale. and now set that aside and move a little bit deeper. Imagine that the rationale is up here in your head, and we don't really feel emotions in our head. So we start to move a little bit deeper, lower, move to our neck. Start to ask yourself, what is the emotional consequence that I would avoid by avoiding this task? What am I trying to avoid here?

And if you're having trouble answering that, there's a simple technique. So just eyes closed. Imagine going. Tell yourself, okay, I'm going to get up and I'm going to go. And notice that there's going to be a reaction within you. There's going to be a rebellion, a sudden rebellion, a panic almost within you. No, no, no, don't go. Notice what that is.

You may feel it in your throat. You may feel it in your chest. You may feel it in your stomach. notice the emotion underneath the rationale and acknowledge that this part of your mind that you're trying to overcome is actually looking out for you as you feel that emotion maybe a tightness in the chest recognize that the thoughts in your head are trying to protect you from feeling that way and here you are beating up the thoughts in your head frustrated with yourself when it's just doing its job notice the interplay between thoughts and feelings and now you're

move closer towards the feeling. Set the thoughts aside and notice the fear, notice the worry, the desire not to be hurt. And now let that emotion wash through you. It starts at the top of your head like thoughts, condenses down to physical sensations. And imagine it entering from the top in washing through you, almost like rain that starts at the top of your head, and then makes its way down and drips off. Don't try to fix it. Don't try to resist it. Just let it be.

And notice that the pain may well up, the emotion may increase, and have compassion for yourself for suffering in this way. It must hurt to feel this. It must hurt to have your life controlled by this. Acknowledge how hard it is for you. This feeling that you're feeling right now, life is not easy.

And now take a deep breath in through your nose, slowly breathe out. With each breath, imagine shaking off the rest of that rain. Tilt your head up slightly as if looking up towards the sky. It's very slight. Keep your neck mostly straight. Deep breath in. Expand the chest. The deep breath, raise your arms.

almost into a T pose. Expand the chest, stretch. As you exhale, bring your arms up above you, have them touch fully extended above your head. Breathe in, and then as you exhale, let them rest. Come down, slowly, slowly, slowly. Move back into a sitting position. Neck straight, back straight, arms straight,

or arms relaxed. Now notice the vigor that. that you feel, the awakening. See the strength that you have within you. And now return to your task and ask yourself, can I do this today? Am I strong enough to do this today? Am I strong enough to do something right now?

And you may notice that it feels overwhelming. And if so, let it be. We can try later. Imagine yourself like a child who's about to go perform on stage. And if the child isn't ready, we don't want to shove them out on stage. Force them to perform. Should they perform? 100%. Will they perform? 100%.

It doesn't have to be today. And at the same time, notice that you can do it today. With a little bit of love, a little bit of a push, a little bit of encouragement. That's what you need to do it today. Not beating yourself up and being frustrated and feeling broken. Encouragement. What can you do today? Place a little bit of faith in yourself.

Because you can't just have faith in yourself. It has to be put there. Notice the strength and energy, the vitality of your body in this moment. And put a little faith in yourself. That you can do something today, however small it is. And maybe you can do the task that you originally set out to. Try. Give it a shot. Go get them. With a final breath, deep breath in, and as you exhale, slowly come back. Open your eyes.