HealthyGamerGG - I Am Too Ugly for a Girlfriend

Episode Date: January 31, 2022

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Right? So as you, like, let go of that stuff and you start focusing on yourself, like, as you start like just allowing yourself to be this human that you are, instead of failing to be that what you want to be, people find that attractive. That's the huge paradox. All right. So posted by machine gun wizardry, I believe I'm going to be a virgin for life because I'm ugly. Every incels says this, but I think I'm the exception and it's true. I know how egoistic and pitiful that sentence reads at first glance, but I think it's true. I have a lazy eye and a crooked nose. I was born with it and without success, have never been able to get past a first date. I'm 26 and every year I lose hope more and more. I know there's things I could do to improve my chances. I'm overweight, 511 and 273 pounds, but I can't find the motivation to do it because I don't think it would make a difference.

I know Dr. Kay talks frequently about how in-cell mindset is a delusion, but most of the people he talks to aren't as ugly as they believe they are. I'm conventionally ugly. I'm deformed and I don't ever feel any attraction from women I'm around and been friends with. Besides, even if I did magically wake up tomorrow a new man with a new face, I'm so broken from years of rejection and so romantically stunted from years of no success that even if I could, I'd be so behind I wouldn't know what to do or read body language. I'm always just going to be the 26-plus year-old virgin, even if I did get laid. I'm branded.

Being so late to the game makes me feel like I'm branded a virgin loser for life. I usually don't think about it, but lately it's been rough. I've been thinking about suicide here and there, and sometimes I feel close to it, but I don't want to live my whole life alone. I'm not looking for advice. I just need to vent because I can't talk to any of my friends, and I don't want them to see how much of a depressed loser I am. I rather have been born looking literally like anyone else than this.

Thanks for reading and I hope you all had a lovely new year. Okay. So let's upvote this. All right. So sometimes when people feel like they're going to be alone forever, they feel like they're ugly or they feel like objectively, they have like no shot. Right? And they can even acknowledge that if,

I got into shape, if I changed my mindset, like all that stuff. Like, I understand that technically that improves my chances, but I'm so far beyond help that objectively, I'm screwed. And the truth is, like, I know it's going to sound kind of bizarre, but I'm inclined to agree with that person, right? So this is where we have to be kind of careful here for a second. So what some people may say in response to this is you're entitled to your feelings, right?

You're entitled to feel that way. Like, it's okay to feel like you're screwed. And I want you all to think a little bit for a second. If I were to respond to this person and say, you're entitled to your feelings, is that validating or invalidating? What does that actually mean? What do you all think? If I were to tell this person you're entitled to your feelings, right? What are we actually telling this person?

What's the signal that we send to this person? if we say you're entitled to your feelings. So it's kind of tricky because for a lot of people, if you say you're entitled to your feelings, what you're sort of telling them is like, it's just all in your head, right? These are just your feelings. It's not real.

It's just like all in your head. Like, oh, it's like, oh, you feel hurt. Oh, you're like, it's valid that you feel hurt. It doesn't mean that you are hurt, but you're allowed to feel that way. So there's something really interesting going on, which is that I've noticed that people are starting to use, the language of entitlement to feelings as a way to invalidate people's experiences.

Right? And it's kind of weird. So let's just try to, so we're going to try to, I know it's kind of weird, but I'm sort of inclined to kind of agree with this person. Now, I don't think that they're hopeless, but I agree with a lot of their premises. And if you are someone who feels objectively, like you understand that mindset works for other people, Like, you understand that, like, any one of these things can improve your chances, but you still feel hopeless. I don't think you're actually wrong.

And at the same time, I don't think things are quite as hopeless. I think the situation is as you describe it. And I do not agree with your conclusion. I'll agree with your premise. Because in a lot of these situations, what people will do is they'll, like, dispute the premise. Oh, it's like actually not that bad. And we kind of see this in this post as well where he kind of says, you know, I know, I know, Dr. K talks frequently about how the in-cell mindset is a delusion. So I wouldn't start by saying

that this person is delusional, right? I don't think they're actually delusional. I think that their conclusions are incorrect. But like, who am I to say that this person is delusional? Right? Like, I don't know what this person looks like. I don't know what this person's experiences have been. So let's just try to understand, like, what is going on with this person and what we can do about it. So the first thing is this person says that I'm 26. Okay. No sexual experience. Missed the boat.

Right? Spawned too late. Late to the party. Things got patched. And I wasn't able to get the fat lutes from the exploit. Okay. So they lack motivation. Okay?

They have a lazy eye. They have a crooked nose. Like, they're pointing out too, like, legitimate physical, what we call deformities, their word, that most people don't have. right? These are things that are like minus one penalty to dating. Like that's like a pretty like legitimate concern. Overweight, right? We don't really know much about, you know, their professional standing education, things like that. Maybe they're rich,

maybe they're poor. We don't know anything about that. So let's steer clear of that stuff. And then the last thing is that they feel so broken, right? They like, they've been rejected so much that even if they could fix all of these other things that like this sense of brokenness and the sense of rejection is too hard to fix. Now, let's try to understand this person's mindset. So what they're kind of saying is like, I'm screwed. So this results in I'm screwed. And now I'm going to ask y'all, like, let's be a little bit honest here for a second. Like, you know, how screwed is this person? Like it doesn't look optimistic, right? They've got a lot of stuff going against them. They don't know how to read body language. They have no experience.

They've got a crooked nose. They're overweight. They have lazy eye. They lack the motivation to like help themselves. So it's like natural, like I think it's not stupid to arrive at this conclusion. I disagree with it. I think there's a lot that you can do. But let's start by like at least acknowledging that this isn't just your feelings. Like this person objectively has the decks sacked against them. Like can we kind of acknowledge that for a moment? So now, now here's the problem is that when you are this screwed, our brain, when it's trying to determine, So, like, let's talk about motivation. So, like, people are saying, okay, like, this person should be, you know, should start working out and start doing this and start doing this.

Then you can get better. You can get better. Right. There's a lot of solutions that people will offer. Go to the gym. You can fix that. Right? Go to a therapist.

You can fix that. Go do coaching if there's no illness. Like, right? So you can, like, do coaching and understand about yourself and, like, get motivated and all that kind of crap. Right? There are all these solutions. I would even toss a couple others on there. So there's like surgery you can do for lazy eyes.

Depends on what's causing the lazy eye. You know, there's also surgery you can do for a crooked noses. It's possible. I'm not necessarily saying you should do it. I'm not recommending it. But there's a lot, you know, there's a lot that you could do. So why is this person lacking motivation if there are so many different things that they can do? Right.

So that's a common experience. Sometimes like, so let's talk about it. this for a second. So the more things you can do to improve your life, the more overwhelmed you are, the more solutions you have. So people think that you're hopeless because you lack solutions. But the truth is that the most hopeless people have the most solutions. There's like way too much stuff to do. It's not actually that you're hopeless because you lack solutions. It's because you're hopeless because you're overwhelmed. And then you're like get into the procrastination mode. You guys get this? The closest thing to this person's psychology is someone who's a chronic

procrastinator. Because there's a lot that they can do, but it's just too much to handle. And so they're almost like, I want you all to think about this as like a procrastination problem as opposed to like a no solutions problem because there's actually tons of solutions. You can like, you know, read books about dating. You can work on yourself confidence. You can like, you know, focus on yourself. You can become confident. Work on your confidence. right? Like you can, these are all the things that you can do, but why don't you do them? It's because there's, it's too overwhelming. Now, let's try to understand what does that mean overwhelming? Like, how does that work in our brain? So our brain is very good at making calculations. And it's like,

really good at figuring out what is worth doing and what is not worth doing. Right? So, like, I'm not going to go outside and, like, hunt for ducks because my brain knows that my likelihood of being able to hunt for a duck is pretty low. I don't know how to do that. So I'm not going to go engage in that behavior. Our brain very good at figuring out what we can accomplish and what we can't accomplish. So let's understand what's going on in the brain of this person. So if we say, go get surgery, but what about all these things? Right? Like, this is left undone.

This is left undone. This is left undone. This is left undone. Therefore, surgery is not going to fix my problem. Therefore, I'm not going to do it. Okay? But, like, what about my getting, going to the gym? Yeah, like, even if I did that,

this is not going to get done. This is not going to get done. This is not going to get done. So, like, this is going to be insufficient to fix my problem. So I'm not going to do it. I feel broken and rejected. Okay, go to therapy. Okay, sure. Like, if I go to therapy and I feel less broken and rejected, like, I'm still going to have the lazy eye. I'm still going to have the crooked nose. I'm still going to be fat. It's not going to be enough. So I'm not going to do it. Right? Like, and even if I, like, have, like, if I get surgery and I lose weight and stuff like that, I'm still going to have no sexual. I'm going to be a 26-year-old virgin. Like, nothing is. is going to change that. And so the reason we feel overwhelmed is because any step we take is not enough. Right? And I want you guys to think about when you're procrastinating for finals. It's like when you've got so

much stuff to do, I know I'm actually personally experiencing this now, where I feel paralyzed because I have so much crap to do. Like I've noticed this in a way that I haven't noticed in a very long time. Where it's like there's just so much to do. I don't even know where to get started. And when you don't know where to get started, you can't do anything. And if you can't do anything, you stay stuck. Right? And then we procrastinate. Then we go back to our coping mechanism.

Okay, so like this is too much. So what am I going to do? Play games. Pornography. Here we go. I'm going to advance the clock. Right? I'm going to advance the clock.

I can get an RPG. I'm going to wait 24 hours. But like your situation is still the same. So how do you deal with this? And I think the answer is kind of interesting. And it's old stuff that people say. They say things like focus on yourself and, you know, focus on your confidence and things like that,

which I think is the answer. But it's not, I can't just tell you, just focus on it. Like, what does that mean practically? Like, what's going to go on in your brain practically if I tell you to focus on yourself? Right. So I'm going to kind of tell you all the story. So when I started residency, I got married my first year, like towards the end of my first year of medical school.

So when I was like, when I started a residency, so I'm a doctor, I'm working in a hospital. And I kind of noticed something weird. So when I was growing up, like, I didn't get any female attention. In college, I tried to get some female attention and it went horribly. And then like, you know, even in my middle years, like, I had a girlfriend who was awesome and stuff and that was great. But like kind of the couple years before medical school, it wasn't like I was getting, you know, I wasn't like talking to girls or girls didn't seem that interested in me. And then, you know, I got married.

And then during med school, then, like, I didn't have to worry about any of that crap anymore. And so I got married and I, like, I had this woman that I loved and we were happy. And so, like, I started, you know, doing things just, like, for the sake of doing them. Like, I wasn't worried about any of that other crap. I wasn't trying to look for a girlfriend. I wasn't flirting. So, like, if I met a girl, like, in school, like, I didn't care if she was, pretty. I didn't care if she was ugly. I didn't care if she was single. I didn't care about any of that

crap. Like, I don't care. Like, it's just like, I'm going to interact with this person based on the circumstances of our interaction. And then something like magical happened. I started becoming like a warm and pleasant human being. And then I go to the hospital and then there's like a lot of people at the hospital, right? And so I'm like interacting with people and I tend to be like kind of warm and funny and upbeat and stuff like that. And then like I kind of noticed I started getting like female attention. And I was kind of confused by that because I had never had really female attention before. You know, I still think to this day that, you know, the girlfriend thing and the wife thing was,

that was a fluke. Like, it was just like a one-off. Right. I don't think I, I, I mean, I guess I did something's good. But. And so then I started to realize like, oh, like, why is this happening? And it's just like, I'm allowing myself to, you know, be my best self. Like, I'm just being my best self.

And I'm not worried about dating anyone. I'm not worried about getting. getting into anyone's pants. So I'm just like, you know, if I see someone and I like someone's shirt, like I can compliment like a nurse on her shirt. I'd be like, that shirt looks, I mean, you don't do that. It's a stupid example because they all wear scrubs. But, you know, you can just compliment someone.

You can say, hey, like, you know, looks like you got a haircut. It looks fantastic. You can say that. So you're just like, you just be a nice human being. And as you start being a nice human being and you get the fuck out of your own head, because that's an important part, right? Like, you start attending to other people. Like, you start to come across.

is confident. And then I'm also focusing on yourself. So I'm like trying to, you know, exercise and like, you know, I'm just like trying to be a decent human being all on, all on my own. And the funny thing is that by focusing on yourself, by focusing on being a decent human being and not worrying about dating anyone, I was like found a ridiculous amount of like female attention, which I had never experienced before. And then I was confused.

And I was like, this is because I'm a doctor because the doctor probably has something to do with it. But it's a common myth that just because you become a doctor does not mean that, like, the opposite sex will start drooling all over you or the same sex if that's your thing. Sure, it's kind of attractive, but it's not going to fix all this other crap. And so, like, the problem here is that you're going to be stuck as long as you're trying to, like, you know, get with someone. So if your goal is this, none of these steps will be sufficient. And then your brain will tell you there's no. point in trying. Because getting with someone, oh, let's see if that shows up. So getting with someone

like is too big of a problem to solve. And since that's the problem you're trying to solve, your motivation is going to completely disappear because nothing you do will be enough. Because I agree with your premise. And so the paradox here is that like this is what keeps you stuck. So this is where also like if you're procrastinating, like you can't solve, you can't fix it all at once. So the only way forward is to stop trying to fix it. And this is where things get a little bit tricky because stop trying to fix it can mean one of two things. It can mean becoming hopeless or it can mean changing your goal. So forget about everything else and just focus on this.

Right? Like, are you happy with the way that your body is? Like forget about women. Forget about sexual attraction. Forget about dating. Forget about everything else. Are you internally happy with this? Is this something you are happy with?

And if the answer is no, change it. Right? Let the outcome be something that is like absolutely much more close to what you can do. Or even like let go of the outcome completely, which I'm not sure that this person can do. But like understand that this is not the goal over here. Like this is the goal. Right. If you like if you have a lazy eye, like there may be medication that you can get or there may be surgery you can do.

Like you may be able to do that. If you have a difficulty with driving, I don't know where, what part of the world you live in. but generally speaking, people will do things, like you can get those kinds of surgeries and they'll be covered if you've got double vision and you drive or like there are all kinds of different things.

If you're feeling, you know, you're worried about being broken and rejected, like you can go to therapy just because you don't want to feel broken anymore. Like it has nothing to do with women. It has nothing to do with being alone. And this is the biggest problem that this is how we shoot ourselves in the foot is we try to set a goal,

or we don't try. We end up setting a goal for ourselves. that involves so many different variables that we create an unsolvable problem. And when faced with an unsolvable problem, we feel overwhelmed, we procrastinate, we feel no motivation, and then we end up not solving our unsolvable problem,

which is not a delusion. Like, this person isn't delusional, like, they're smart. They're, like, not an idiot, right? They've, like, accurately concluded. They've, like, figured this out. Now the problem is you can say But okay, Dr. K if I start working on myself, is that the way that I end up with someone?

I say, yes, that's the way you end up with someone. But the problem is if that is your target in your mind, literally the equation in your mind will not let you engage in it. It cannot be the outcome that you're chasing. Because if you chase that outcome, nothing will be sufficient. It'll never be sufficient. And so when people say focus on yourself, like how do you do that? I know it's kind of weird, but what you do is you give up on it, sure,

give up on finding someone. I sure is I'll know that I'll know that I. did, and that when I met my girlfriend is bizarre. But giving up on it doesn't mean suicide. Giving up on it means finding a different goal. Just let go that goal. Right? Grieve it.

So when you're faced with an unsolvable situation, you've got two options. Hopelessness and grief. And what you need to do is grieve it. Say, sucks for me. I will be alone for the rest of my life. So be it. Then the question becomes, what can I do in this life that will give me some shred of happiness. What can I take some pride in? What can I do for myself that'll like do something for me?

Like I don't know, maybe five years from now I'm going to commit suicide, but people are going to be able lift the casket because I ain't going to be overweight when they put me in the ground. Right. Like, I know it's kind of morbid, but I'm serious. Like, there are things that you can take pride in in this life, right? Even if you're single. Like, there are things that you can do. You could try to be a better human being for other people. You can feel less broken. You can be happy with what you see when you look in the mirror. Like even if you're broken on the inside, you can take pride in what you see when you look in the mirror every day. And that could be, that could mean surgery for your nose. It could be losing weight. Even if you're unhappy with what you see when you look in the mirror,

you can be happy with what your body is capable of when you jump into the ocean. That you can swim for a long amount of time. You can feel amazing for climbing to the top of a mountain. There's absolutely all kinds of stuff you can do. And the big paradox here is that as you start doing those things, this becomes more likely. Right? But this is the really tricky thing, is that we can't, we're not going to win this game with our mind. Like, we're really not. The mind will win all the time.

So if you keep that as your goal, so it's kind of weird, but I'd say like very practically, when there are too many things that you have to do to accomplish something, the mind has a lot of difficulty with motivation and it's just going to feel overwhelmed and procrastinate. And you're not wrong in believing that things feel very, very far away. And so that's why I would say that, like, you know, I agree with you that it's almost reasonable to be hopeless. And so this is what I'd say is like, let go of it, right? Let go of hope. Doesn't mean you have to be despair, but you can let go of hope. You can just set that whole thing aside. And you can try to think about, okay, like, is my life defined by this one thing? Because if it is, then I can

understand why people feel suicidal. But the truth is, there's more to life than relationships. There just is more to life than relationships, right? If all life was was relationships, everyone who is in a relationship would be perfectly happy. But people aren't perfectly happy. We've seen posts today about, you know, people being unhappy at work, people being unfulfilled, people not following their creative pursuits. People being unsatisfied with how, you know, what their MMR is on an online video game. There are all kinds of things in life. And so if relationships are too hard to solve, then let it go and start fixing the other stuff.

And when you're ready, a relationship will come. You'll be surprised. Like literally, it'll come to you. You need to stop chasing it. Because it's that chasing that sort of like makes you come across as like desperate. that is like unattractive to people in the first place. Right? So as you like let go of that stuff and you start focusing on yourself, like as you start like just allowing yourself to be this human that you are, instead of failing to be that what you want to be, people find that attractive.

That's the huge paradox is that if I try to be something else, by definition, I'm going to be insufficient because I'm not there yet. and that gap that I feel about myself is going to be something that other people pick up on. And as I let go of that thing and I allow myself to be what I am, I embrace who I am, you can still work towards things by all means, but you can start to save yourself, you know what? I'm tired of being 273 pounds and 5-11. So I'm going to go to the gym. I'm not going to try to pick up chicks.

I'm not doing it for them. Because if you're doing it for them and it doesn't work out the first time that you expend effort and it doesn't, where you've lost 10 pounds. There's a cute girl at the gym. You ask her out. She says no. Or you don't even ask her out because this person wouldn't even ask her out. They'd talk to her.

But then they'd find that, oh, like now she's talking to some guy who's more fit than I am. Suddenly your motivation is the girl and you're not going to work out because you've lost 10 pounds and like, screw it. She's talking to this other guy. So, G.G. I'm leaving. Your motivation is going to disappear. You are letting your motivation be determined by the outcomes and whims of another human being. Like, that's... that's screwed.

Right? So like, why do that? Because I don't want to be alone. Well, with love, too bad you are right now. And so, like, learn how to be alone. It's another huge thing.

People don't really understand that, like, a big part of being in a healthy relationship is learning how to be alone. Right? You have to be, like, comfortable. Like, if you want to be in a really healthy relationship, you need to be, like, comfortable and happy with yourself.

Because like a relationship makes things harder, not easier. Like the more grounded you are, the easier things are going to be. Not the harder things are going to be. Anyway, so, you know, if you fall into the category of feeling that any relationship, you're just too far gone in too many dimensions, like, I know it sounds kind of weird, but like you may be. And yet that doesn't mean that you have to be hopeless, right? because at the end of the day, like, just because your logical analysis is correct doesn't mean that your conclusion has to be that conclusion.

There's another route. And if you feel like unmotivated because there are too many dimensions of your life and you don't know where to start, like that's also like completely normal. I'm not just saying like your feelings are valid, like as if, you know, your analysis is incorrect and your feelings are all coloring your analysis and you're actually an idiot, but you're entitled to your feelings. So, you know, like, no, like I think your feelings are valid and all. also your logical analysis is valid. But I don't think it's the complete story. And as you start reframing away from that goal, which makes any effort useless.

So if any effort is useless, you are not going to be motivated towards anything. So you have to start making your effort mean something. And how do you make your effort mean something? You let go of that goal. You grieve it. You're going to be alone for the rest of your life. But you know what?

This world has more to offer than relationships. This is where you say, but can I truly be happy without it? I don't know. But neither do you, because you haven't tried to be happy without a relationship. All you've been caught up in is relationship, relationship, relationships. Who the fuck knows? So by all means, give up hope on the relationship. But don't give up hope on life.

And start working on what you can work on. Let your goals be small. Let your goals be insufficient to accomplish that great, great monumental task that is too far out of your just let go of it. Don't try to climb a mountain. Try to climb one step up. Right? Because if you're looking to the top of a mountain,

I take one step forward. It's like, literally it looks exactly the same. Even though technically I'm one step closer, it is looks, the view is exactly the same. You guys could try this. Go look at a mountain

and then take one step towards it and then one step back. Does the view of the mountain change? No, it doesn't change at all. And this is the big scam of the mind, is that the mind is so focused on the outcome, because that's what you're focused on, it's going to destroy your motivation and keep you stuck where you are. So let go of the goal and start focusing on yourself, like literally. That's the advice, right? That's what people say.

People don't know how to do that, but this is why you have to focus on it. If you focus on that, you're never going to achieve it. But there's something you can do for yourself. There's something you can take pride in. Find out what that thing is and move towards it. And you'll be surprised where you end up, but no guarantees. Life-changing decisions can be hard, or they can be flexible, inclusive, and best of all, rewarding. Earn your master's in computer science, data science, or information systems at Northeastern University in the San Francisco Bay Area.

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