HealthyGamerGG - I crossed a boundary with my girlfriend - AITA Caller #2 - AITA

Episode Date: February 20, 2023

🎙️ Dr. K discusses respecting boundaries in relationships and taking responsibility for crossing them. 💔 He emphasizes introspection and communication for repairing relationships. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We don't really acknowledge this. I think consent is incredibly important, but most of the advances in relationships don't happen with explicit consent. Perfect. And what do you go by, my friend? So my post was like, I mean, a soul for acting weird with my girlfriend.

So I tell the story? Yes. Okay. So it was at a party and I was a drunk and she was not. And at some point we were together in the middle of the room, full of people. And she kissed me and it was really nice. But after the kiss, I untied her hair and I said something like make me happy. And I lived to do something else.

Grab a drink or I don't remember. But I did this because I am really uncomfortable to show love and love affection in public. Like kissing in public, I'm pretty uncomfortable for me. So to me it was like out of my comfort zone and I wanted her to do the same. So I entirely. Yeah. What do you mean by you wanted her to do the same? The same meaning what?

Same as getting out of the comfort zone. I see. So you felt uncomfortable, and so you wanted to make her uncomfortable? Somehow, I don't know. Out of the comfort zone is uncomfortable, but yeah, probably, yeah. Okay. All right, so you removed something from her hair? Yeah, they was tied.

And then you left the room? Yeah, but not really far away, just like a few meters away. Okay. Yeah, in my head it was, you know, when I'm drunk, everything seems more classy and just better. Okay. Alcohol does do that sometimes. Yeah. And so then what happened?

She didn't say anything during the party on the night. But later on, she told me she talked about it with her friends, and it was weird and she didn't really like it. And it's something that makes her decided to wake up. So a few times after this we broke up. When you say a few times after this, what does that mean? What were the times? It's two weeks.

Okay. And so you said you pulled something out of her hair. Like, did it hurt her in some way? No, just, no. Just like removing like a clip or like a, you know, a hair tie or something. Yeah, because I think her hair are really beautiful and I like it better on tight. Okay. And then what did you say? I said it in my foreign language, so it's not the same only, but it's like, it's like, you want the French?

It's something like make me happy or please me. So what does that, yeah, what is the French? Can you tell us in French? Fee me pleasure. Okay. And so what does that mean? Can you... I understand what the translation is, but what's like the tone of what that means?

It's like, I make her happy with accepting the kiss. So I expect her to do something to make me happy as well. So is it, is it like flirtatious? station. So, I mean, is it, is it like a nice thing to say or a mean thing to say or a mean thing to say? Maybe a little bit playful. It depends on how do you mean it. And how did you mean it? Yeah, it was a bit, um, like a, a bit challenging, I guess. Okay. Was it sexual? A little bit.

Okay. And what's your understanding of why she broke up with you? There was some event like this that happened. And a lot of events happened and she didn't feel in love anymore. And so because there wasn't love anymore, I think she stopped to care about me. the relationship. So I think that's it. So she wasn't in love anymore.

She broke up with you because she fell out of love? Yeah, I think. Did she talk about this incident when y'all broke up? Yeah. What did she say? She didn't say much about it, just what I said. Like, she told, she asked her friends about it. and she thought it was weird and yeah she didn't didn't like it okay and what do you

think about it I agree that it's weird of course I wouldn't have done it if I wasn't drunk but it's not so bad I think help me understand why you wouldn't have done it if you weren't drunk oh because it's Um, I am a little bit shy. So if I wasn't drunk, I'm not sure I would accept the kiss. And, uh, yeah, if it's too boldly for me, maybe in front of people doing this. I see. So accepting the kiss you wouldn't have done.

What about the, the, the words that you said and the pulling the stuff out of her hair? Yeah, yeah, this is what I, I was talking about. I wouldn't do this either. Okay. So you wouldn't have done any of it. No. So and maybe. Do you, what do you think about it now that you're, I'm presuming that you're not drunk right now?

Now that you're no longer drunk. What do you think about what you did? Yeah, just like I said, I think it's, it's stupid. Like it's, it's really weird. I mean, it's not something I will do. What's weird about it? I don't know. It's just uncommon and uncommon and not something she would expect me to do.

Okay. So, and how long were you all dating? Six months. Okay. And had y'all talked about her hair before? No, not really, really, but I think she knew that I liked her hair. Okay. Nothing particular.

Okay. So, and like, I'm just not sure, like, what's normal in a relationship for kind of what stage you were at. So sometimes, like, it's okay for someone to, like, mess with or play with your hair, right? So, like, for example, I'm married and sometimes my wife messes with my hair. And that's, like, okay in our relationship. I don't always like it, but it's something that we're okay with. Do you know if, like, I mean, is that something that y'all had done in terms of, like... Yeah, I think it's, it would be okay if it wasn't in public.

because we were kind of in the middle of the room. And yeah, it wasn't just playful. Like, it was after a kiss. And yeah, I think this is why it's weird. Okay. But otherwise, it will be really okay to do this. Okay. So, and what do you think?

Do you think that you were out of line? A little bit, yeah. In what way do you think you were out of line? because she didn't want her her to be untied. Did you know that? She didn't. She didn't tell me, but I could, somehow I think I knew it. I mean, no, I didn't know she didn't want to untie, but, I mean, if they were tied,

it must be a reason. Okay. And do you think that, and how drunk were you? Really, but you were, like, to me, it's close to my limits. Close to your limit of being drunk. So you were definitely drunk, but if you were more drunk, you would have been, like, sick kind of thing. Maybe. Yeah, I was really, really drunk.

Okay. So, you know, I think, so Twitch chat voted. 41% thinks that everyone here is the asshole. 33% think that you're the asshole. 25% don't think you're the asshole. What do you think? I didn't understand. How many things are you my husband?

So the most people think that both you and your girlfriend are at fault. So everyone sucks. Okay. 40% of people think that everyone made mistakes. 30% of people think that you're the asshole. 20% of people don't think you're the asshole. Okay. What do you think?

33 and 25. What do you think? Most people think we both are assholes. Yes, that's the number one. And this is where, so here's my take, okay? So the first thing that we have to acknowledge is that if you were drunk, there is a decent chance that your memory of the situation is off in some way. Yeah.

So the first thing that I'm going to kind of say is that like we've got to be careful here because you may have remembered things in a particular way. It could have been worse. It could have been better. Like, who knows? So I think if you're getting pretty drunk and you're like doing things that y'all don't normally, I mean, that's what happens when people get drunk. But I don't think, and it kind of bothers me a little bit that you were like, I wouldn't have done this if I wasn't drunk.

You know, so that kind of makes me wonder a little bit. But then as we tunnel down into that, it seems like the reason that you wouldn't have done it isn't that you think it's wrong. It's that you're shy, right? Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, I'm not sure that I wouldn't have done it. Yeah. So I think the only thing that I think is really assholeish about this for you is that she made you uncomfortable.

and then you did something to make her uncomfortable. Yeah. So like that I think is asshole. So is it justified, maybe? Right. So if I call someone a nasty thing, are they justified in calling me a nasty thing? Maybe.

But I mean, it sounds to me like you felt uncomfortable that she did something that you didn't really consent to or feel comfortable with. And so your response to that is, I'm going to do something that she doesn't like or doesn't make her comfortable. And that doesn't sound right to me. I think the other thing in terms of the mistake here is not necessarily in the behavior, but in the way that the aftermath of the occurrence. So the other kind of question here is, did she know that public displays of affection

make you uncomfortable. No, yeah, that's what I was going to say. She didn't know. She didn't know? No. So, I mean, so this is where I think that like, you know, I think the real tragedy here is that you all didn't like talk about this. And when people say, like, communication is the foundation of a relationship, I think this is oftentimes people don't know what that means. What that means is that if your partner does something that makes you uncomfortable, the right way to,

and handle it, is not to make them feel uncomfortable, but to talk about it. Yeah. But I think maybe there is another reason for me to act like this. And what is that? Maybe I thought that it was some kind of teasing to kiss me in public like this. And maybe it was just my answer to the teasing. Sure. And so that's the thing, right?

So sometimes in relationships, I don't think you're wrong there. that like sometimes in relationships, part of the natural progression of the relationship is to kind of like up the ante and enter into like uncomfortable spaces. The key thing, though, I think is that usually that needs to be done with like some amount of being on the same team as opposed to like, I did this to you, so you're going to do it to me or vice versa. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, this doesn't sound to me like a horrible violation of consent and maybe. I'm wrong there. But like, you know, if you're dating someone for six months, I think like playing with their hair, which is one way that you could perceive this, I think is like something that is probably okay. I mean, presuming that, you know, presuming they haven't made it clear one way or the other. But the honest truth about relationships, and I think this is something that we kind of like, you know, we don't really acknowledge this.

I think consent is incredibly important. but most of the advances in relationships don't happen with explicit consent. So simple things, like, for example, do you mind if I eat a French fry off of your plate? Like, sometimes a lot of stuff happens in the comfort of relationships that happens kind of like subconsciously. And like, it's not like we ask for permission for every single thing. Is it okay if I kiss you? Like, that's a good thing to ask consent for. Is it okay if I kiss you for one second, two seconds, three seconds?

Do you have to ask for consent every time you kiss? Like, generally speaking, in relationships, we don't do that. Like, there's a certain amount of, like, navigating things forward. And that can absolutely get people into trouble. Don't get me wrong. I do think we should probably be having more conversations around consent, not less. But I think the real mistake here, the only two things that I really thought that, that, you know, one thing is that if she, I mean, if she didn't know you, you didn't appreciate it being kissed in public and you all have been dating for. six months, then, you know, I think if y'all kiss in private, at some point that starts to

become public unless you lay a boundary for her. So had you laid some kind of boundary? No. So then I think the only real asshole thing that I think you kind of did here is that she made you feel uncomfortable and based on what you're kind of sharing with us, there was a part of you that was like she made me feel this way, so I'm going to make her feel this way. Whereas I can sort of get that, you know, if there's a public display of affection, you can kind of be flirtatious. I don't know if you are familiar with that word in English. Yeah. Yeah.

And so this sounds to me like within the normal bounds of flirtation. Like if your partner kisses you in public, touching her hair in some way and making a suggestive comment, especially depending on the tone and stuff like that, may be completely acceptable. I'm not hearing something that was degrading or overtly sexual, but I don't understand the translation or the connotation or things like that. But I think really what I'm here, the only real thing, because I think what you tried to do in that moment is become a Chad for a second. Right? Yeah, probably.

Like your girlfriend kisses you in public and you're like, Chad mode, baby. But it sounds like you're not really practiced at that, so it may have come off a little bit cringy and creepy. And, you know, that's unfortunately part of like, you know, even Chad stumble from time to time on the road to Chad Hood. But along the way, it's perfectly reasonable that as you're stumbling, you may be an asshole somewhere in there. Yeah. What do you think? I think maybe my understanding about why I did this might be wrong.

Like, I justify myself with saying that, um, I did this to make her uncomfortable. But I don't know. I'm not sure because I was drunk and I don't really know why I did this. Yeah. So, I mean, but like that's kind of the tricky thing. So I think the other mistake here is getting really drunk. Yeah.

Right? Which at the end of the day, you're still responsible for your behavior when you're drunk. But I'm also not hearing that you're, Like, her girlfriend's friends thought it was weird, but I'm not even hearing that she really found it to be, like, violating or anything like that. A little bit, I think. When you say you think, what do you base that on? When she told me about it. So what did she think?

I don't remember everything, but because she told her friends about it, I think it was something big for her. Okay. I mean, yeah. So, you know, I think it's kind of an edge case, but I definitely think there are things here that you could or should have done differently, like just to be on the safe side. But I mean, we're not, you know, we're talking about removing some stuff out of someone's hair. Now, this is like what would cross over into asshole territory is she likes her hair a particular way and you like it a different way. And then you consistently turn her hair. into something that you find enjoyable or like pleasing to look at as opposed to what her preferences. But that I'm also not hearing because it's not like you guys had conversations about hair styles and stuff. It sounds like you just tried something and it sort of didn't work out. Yes, that's not something I wouldn't do.

So and furthermore, the drunkenness, it's not like I wouldn't do it because I'm a moral person. Then when I become drunk, I'm immoral. It sounds like really the drunkenness removes the shyness, which, you know, is. Yes. So, I mean, I think it's kind of an edge case, but the real tragedies here, I think, is that you didn't really talk about it. And also that, you know, there wasn't any kind of serious conversation afterward, which there probably should have been. And then probably like getting super drunk, like doesn't help.

Yes, I came to the same conclusion. Yeah. So, you know, my sense is you were probably a little bit of the asshole, but just a little bit. How does that sound to you? yeah I think I agree yeah I think the same

cool yeah thank you you're very welcome good luck to you my friend good luck to you too good luck to you too