HealthyGamerGG - I Don't Trust Compliments

Episode Date: July 29, 2022

Dr. K talks about not being able to trust or accept compliments, not being able to accept validation, and more! Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Interestingly enough, the way that you reassure yourself is actually through reinforcing that what you're doing isn't good enough. Hello. Hello. What do you go by, friend? I go by Tom. Tom? Nice to meet you, Tom. Nice to meet you. Thank you for having me here.

Thank you for being here. Yeah. So what's holding you back, Tom? So basically what's holding me back lately and not lately, but yeah, it's not believing, truly believing in the validation I receive. So even if it comes from people that I really care, mom, dad, friends, significant others, I can truly feel that it is real. So I

And that leads to me Trying to find answers By myself And not trusting when people told me like Everything is okay or I'm doing a good job So yeah I found it Kind of fake and cheesy

To think that when somebody tells me like I'm doing a great job or that's it's all good I don't know why but I find it like kind of fake and cheesy to think I'm doing a good job so I don't try to I don't tend to validate other people because I found I found that it is fake or kind of fake but

and that leads to me yeah all the time anxiety trying to find my own answers to the question that I am doing a good job or is it

it is all good here but yeah that's basically it are you able to find your own answers that you're are you able to validate yourself mostly I do that by

by yeah, just work harder or not work harder, but find my own goals and objectives and doing them. I found that that's what makes me feel that I'm doing a good job.

But I mostly, yeah, I mostly don't don't find my own answers. Okay. So, So let me just, let's like understand that a little bit. So you're saying that when you're concerned that you're not doing a good job, you'll try to come up with goals. And the answer that you sometimes come up with that works is to work harder.

Is that fair? Yeah, that's fair about not much really. I refer a little bit more about, yeah, sorry, I'm losing my thoughts here. That's okay. So can I ask you again? So when you look for your own answer, sometimes the way that you can help yourself feel better in that situation is to work harder. Yeah, sometimes it is. Sometimes, right?

But there is sometimes that it's not a thing about working harder or not. To give you an example, maybe I'm on a place or a party or something that I don't feel safe in it or don't feel 100% comfortable. So somebody came, a friend came and tell me like, it's all good, people are good, are not judging you, or people is cool. And that's another example where I can truly believe that. But you don't believe that or you do believe that? I don't believe that because it's like I keep feeling that the place is not safe and I can feel comfortable in some situations.

Okay. So to give you a little bit more perspective on this, this is something I have been working on. therapy. Good for you? Sorry? I said, good for you. Can you tell me more? Thank you.

Thank you. Yeah. That we find out that at some point of my childhood, my house became very toxic. My dad and my sister keep fighting a lot all days. Very toxic ambient. but the thing is that I was really put on a side

so I was the child that so all the fighting, all the toxic place was during the night when I wasn't so if so it was like

all hiding for me and the only thing that I heard is my mom coming to me and saying saying that it's all good and that there's no problem and that there's not

a reason to be fearful or anything and at the same time I'm hearing my dad yelling and my sister yelling and I think that it is what

made me not being able to believe in any validation that someone can give me So yeah, basically. Okay. Well, that was very helpful. I think that puts things in context.

It answers a lot of my questions. So let's, so let me just make sure I understand you, Tom. Yeah. So sometimes you're in a situation where you feel not confident. And sometimes people will. try to reassure you. And their reassurance doesn't work. And so then what you'll do is you'll try to like come up with your, you'll go through your

own process of reasoning to try to figure out, okay, is what I'm doing okay or not okay? And even when you go through your own process, sometimes you sort of conclude that you're not okay, but there are some situations in which you can sort of say, okay, like, let me just work harder and then you can kind of feel good about yourself. Is that fair to say? Yeah, that's exactly okay. So let me ask you something. If you're looking, if you're trying to figure out if you're doing something wrong or right, and your answer is, I need to work harder, does that mean that you're doing a good job or not a good job? I think that maybe it's, it's not a good job. I think that maybe it's, it's that I'm not doing a good job, but it's a thing that it's not enough.

So I think I looked at for that answer. Yeah, I don't trust anybody telling me, like, it is enough, it is good, don't work any harder. So I just go and work harder, I think, or do a lot of more research and find what else can I do to improve in that. Okay, good, right? So that's important to understand, is that, interestingly enough, the way that you reassure yourself is actually through reinforcing that what you're doing isn't good enough. Yeah.

Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah, I think it does. And so what impact does it have objectively on your life when you work harder? Not good. I don't feel like I do much with that mindset. Okay. I think the only thing I do is that sabotage me and start with loops of anxiety and just don't doing much or grinding, grinding something that is not really has a value for me and don't make me feel like proud.

Good. Okay. So not that that's good, but I'm glad you understand that. Let's think about that. So if this mindset creates more anxiety for you doesn't really sustainably improve your life, what does it give you to adopt that mindset? Why do you do it? I think it's my way to try and find an answer to the question of, is this good or is not good? Very good. Right?

So what I'm hearing is that even though working harder doesn't actually potentially do a lot for you, what it does is that at least reassures you that it quiets down the feelings that you're not doing a good job, right? Because if you're grinding, then that sort of counters the idea that I'm not doing a good job. Yeah, and I feel like at least I'm doing something. Very good. And the thing with that is that I do a lot of things, because I do a lot of things, I like doing a lot of things, but I think doing a lot of things sometimes doesn't let me do the things that I really want to do. No, want to do, but I really choose to do to achieve an objective or something that I,

I want to do in life. So I often find myself doing a lot of things that it's not that I dislike them, but doing a lot of things to keep me quiet in my mind, the thought that I'm not doing anything to do a better job. So I want you to kind of, I'm tempted to just grab my iPad. Can you hold on a second? Yeah, of course. I almost want to try to draw this out for you, Tom.

Is that okay? Yeah, of course. So let me ask you just one or two other questions while I'm setting this up. How do you feel about yourself? Lately, the last couple of years, I really improve on myself. and my self image. I make a lot of change to be and feel in the way that a lot of time wanted to be and feel. So I feel mostly good with myself.

A lot better that it was all my childhood and most of my life. But yeah. Yeah, I feel good with myself, but I am this search of trying to improve all these kind of things a lot. Yeah, I feel like I'm on a road to, but yeah. Okay. So you can see what I'm sharing with you? I'll give me a second. Yeah. Okay. So your concern is that you're not able to be validated by other people, right?

Yeah. And you're not, so let's say you have doubt. So you're not sure whether you're doing a good job. An income someone else with a validation. And what happens is that bounces right off. It doesn't actually sink in. With me so far? Yeah, yes. Okay. So then what happens is when you have doubt, you do a an internal exploration. And then the internal exploration concludes one of two things. Or actually, not doing a good job. Sorry. Not doing a good job.

Or work harder. With me so far? Yeah. I'm sorry, my handwriting is so bad. So when you work harder, does this actually improve things? It doesn't actually improve things. but what it does is offers some reinforcement or some alleviation. So you do get a positive that at least I'm doing something.

You with me? Yeah. Okay. So that sort of decreases the doubt a little bit. Let's actually change our color here to green. Okay. Now, the problem is that the way that you're managing this doubt is by way. working inefficiently.

Do you see, this is the only thing that actually helps? Yeah. And even then, the idea of working harder, you only need to work harder if you're not doing a good job in the first place. Right? Yeah. So, and I think you've done a really good job of sort of discovering that the core of the issue is that other people's validation or reassurance doesn't actually work. You with me? Yes.

Because if this worked, if this did not bounce off, then the doubt could be a lot of. alleviated, you wouldn't have to end up wasting your time doing work that isn't important, and then like everything would be fine, right? Yeah. Now, the other thing that's very, very important is that you have done therapy, which is really good, and it was interesting that you just jumped right there. But then you're sort of recalling these experiences with toxicity in the household, and then your mom would reassure you.

And what would she say? Everything's okay. And that's basically a lie, right? Yeah. She would lie to you and tell you everything is okay. So what is the lesson that you learned? Yeah, when somebody tell me it is all good, it may not, and it probably won't be. So this is how you learned how to reject validation.

Yeah. Okay. Now, there's another thing that we haven't really talked about, which is where is the source of this doubt? So do you have a sense of why do you think you're not doing a good job in the first place? I don't know if that I start thinking that way, but there is a situation that you have to like question yourself if you're doing a good job or not doing a good job. So I think that's when I have the doubt. But I think that that doubt just followed me on each aspect of my life. Yeah, so where does that doubt come from?

I'm not sure. Okay. So now this is going to be kind of interesting. So I'm going to give you sort of a different kind of perspective. So we've got two options. So if we look at this, what do we need to do? We need to either allow you to be validated or we need to figure out where the source of the doubt came from. Does that make sense?

Because if the validation works, okay, then you don't need to do this internal exploration. You don't need to work harder and you don't believe you're doing a bad job, right? That fixes the problem. So let me ask you something. What's your relationship with your mom like? Very close, actually. It is good. These last years, I've been working on, yeah.

It was a really, really good relationship until a couple of years that I started to think a little bit more about these things. Therapy helped me to get to know this cycle that my mom has to be always telling me that it's all good and it's all perfect. I started to stop relying on my mom telling me that it's all good to live life. And I think that, yeah, a lot of communication went there, but I think overall it's a good relationship. Okay. Have you talked to her about, have you all ever talked about how you grew up and what she used to say to you?

Yeah, like a few weeks ago I had the courage to ask them how she felt and what's the perspective on all these. It was really difficult, but it wasn't difficult because she weren't listening or anything like that. She's a really, really open person and that can't hear what I, what I, I feel and I value that a lot, but it was really, really difficult for me because it's all recent this past trauma. So, yeah. So what happened when you, so you asked her like, hey, when I grew up, like, there was all this fighting going on, there was a lot of toxicity and you kept telling me that everything was

okay. What did she say? She said that she understands. that basically said like she she didn't invalidate my feeling she said like I understand that I understand that you feel that way sorry for that being my own my only way of dealing with things because I was dealing too with my sister that had other problems So yeah, that's basically that she chose to put me on a side and protect me from that toxic place because she felt it was the best option in that time.

Okay. Yeah. So that really helped me. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Good, good, good, good.

Okay. So let's understand a couple of things. So first of all, Tom, you're. making it easy for me, my friend. I'm sorry. No, this is great. I really love it. So this is something I really love about our community is as, so this is great because like,

basically, I want to say two years ago, if someone had called in, the first thing, what we would have sort of gotten to was the fact that you learned to not trust validation. Right. So why do you, why do you not, why do you reject validation? because you essentially learn to not trust validation. So if anyone out there is struggling to be in finding that they reject validation, the key thing is that you all need to do the kind of exploration that Tom has already done, which is figure out when did your mind learn to distrust validation?

And you've already done that. You figured that out in therapy. So the second thing is that in order to start healing from distrusting validation, one of the key ways that you can do is have. a conversation with mom. And you've already done that. Where you talk to your mom and you say, hey, you have to acknowledge that she was telling you things and she has to own it too.

And the good news is when she owns it and she says, yes, I was reassuring you. She wasn't actually validating you. She was reassuring you. We'll get to that in a second. I was reassuring you and that reassurance was false. Because actually what she did in this conversation is validate you. Does that make sense? Okay.

Okay, yeah. I think so. Because you said, hey, mom, by the way, when we grew up, you told me everything was going to be okay and everything was not okay. And she didn't say, oh, no, no, no, everything is going to be fine. Everything is okay. Everything is okay. She says, no, no, no, you are correct. There was a problem.

That was the best I could do at the time. At the time, I'm sorry. Okay, yeah. That is actually validation. So this is important to understand. What you're rejecting is reassurance. So when you go to work and you say, hey, I don't think I'm doing a great job. And people reassure you.

They say, no, no, no, everything is okay. Everything is okay. Everything is okay. That's what your mom used to say. Do you understand? Yeah, that's strong. But yeah. What do you mean that's strong?

Not strong, but hard to like. sinking. Yep. Okay, good. I mean, that's okay. It's, it's heavy. Is that? Yeah. It's, it's, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, it's, to, to, to hurt and all that. I'm, I'm with you. I'm with you. It's going to be heavy, right? Because yeah, yeah, because, uh, just a little bit perfect. I, I, I think that I, I, I, I speak to you something that it was a really chewed up, but to even acknowledge that I have that toxic environment was a really hard process and leads to a lot of depression and months of not being able to live life. So I think that right now I'm on a point that I have things a lot more chewed up. But yeah, it is kind of still hard to go back to them. Can you help me understand what you were saying, chewed up?

Yeah, chewed up. Sorry. No, that's fine. Like, yeah, like, I've been processing the thing a lot. So that's what I mean. Okay. So it's not like super raw in my mind. Okay, okay, good.

So I think you're on the right track. How does it feel when I say that, Tom? Yeah, I feel. I feel that way, actually. Okay. I think that I don't have much practical tools to deal

with this and how to like do something about it. But yeah, I understand the process and on all these that you told me is very, very helpful. So can we

talk about that for a second? Yes. So you're concerned that you don't have practical tips and that you may not be able to make progress with that? Is that right? I think kind of. But that gets me sometimes. Sometimes I just trust that things that are in my mind will be helping me improve these things. But sometimes I feel like I need specific things to like do or change to.

to get better. Yeah, that sounds so hard because on the one hand, I'm hearing you sort of say that you've recognized that you've made some progress and that your mind is moving in the right direction. And at the same time, I'm also hearing almost like a fear that if you don't do something very practical

and someone doesn't lay it out for you, like what if it isn't enough? Yeah, that's exactly. How are you feeling right now? now when I say that. I feel like, yeah, acknowledging my fear. It's fearful. Like to try to change and to trust somebody that like care about me,

telling me that it is so good. And I really want to be able to trust that. And I really want to work on that. And sometimes not feeling like I have any tool or things to do to grasp on. It's like, oh, yeah. Give me fear. Oh, yeah. I mean, because even your sigh there was really important because what I'm hearing is that like,

this needs to be fixed. It's really important. Yeah. Right? Like you really need to work on this. But what if you don't have the right tools? That sounds scary. Oh, yeah.

Sorry if I get emotional right now. No, I'm... Yeah. So now I want you to pay attention, Tom. What are you feeling right now? I'm kind of about to cry, but yeah, I feel like... What's making you want to cry? The fear of not being able to live life trusting when somebody told me, like,

it is good and yeah yeah so now i'm i'm doing something that's a little bit tricky with you right now i don't know if you're realizing that tom do you see do you recognize what i'm doing uh i'm not sure no i'm validating you how does it feel uh it feel good it actually feel heard and and but you're you're feeling fear How is that going? Yeah, I think, I mean, yeah, what gives me fear is the thoughts that run in my mind about how I will be dealing with this. But the conversation and how I feel talking to you and you tell me like, it should be difficult feeling the way you feel.

That makes me feel a lot of relief. It's weird, right? Yeah. So now we're going to try. Yeah, sorry, go ahead. Yeah, I feel heard. And like. Okay.

Yeah. So now we're going to try the opposite, Tom. You ready? Tom, I think I am. I think with all the therapy and everything that you're doing and you're calling in, I think you're going to be fine. I think everything is going to be okay. You're working on yourself.

You're going to be great. You have nothing to worry about. Okay. How does that feel? It's good. I sometimes feel the same. And I feel like I don't have much of a problem, but not in a diminishing way. It's more not just trust the process and trust me.

But yeah, it feels good. It feels good. In what way? In a way that, yeah, I... Do you believe me? I think I want to, but the fear about... Beautifully said. That not being real, it's there.

Yeah. It's not gone. So beautifully said, I want to, right? Because it's hard for you to say, oh, like you're calling in, right? you're talking to Dr. K. It's hard to say, Dr. K, you're wrong. So this is what I'm pointing out to you. First of all, so beautifully done, Tom.

Now I'm going to tell you, I honestly do think that you, I think you're moving in the right direction. I think it's going to be hard for you for a while. But if you keep on moving in this direction, I'm optimistic that you will continue progressing the way that you have. What do you think about that? Okay, yeah, I feel, I feel, I feel the same on that. I think that, yeah, being calm and trusting all the work that I've done to get here will help me and I should be, I should trust that and just keep working on therapy and all that. Yeah. Tom, you know what I hear? I hear that you've put in a lot of work and you've made a lot of progress that you can be proud of. And also that you're afraid that that may not be enough. Yeah.

You really need some kind of practical tip to fix this. And that you want to be able to trust yourself fully, but you're not sure if that's actually going to be enough. Yeah. Yeah, because there was so much time that I tried, like, a lot of practical things to do. And that led nowhere. And once I really have a clique and started therapy and started acknowledging all the things, like, I understood the process that I was on. but yeah that that feeling that sometimes I need practical thing it doesn't let me truly believe on on all the things that I've done that's kind of interesting are you so you were telling me that you've tried a lot of practical things and they don't seem to work for you yeah but not practical in the in not practical like right now but much uh more a bit more of the

work harder thing. So a lot of my... I'm kind of confused, Tom. So help me understand. Do you think that the right move is to find practical tips or the right move is to trust yourself and trust the process? I think that the good thing is to trust the process because I feel the process.

I really first time in my life that I feel like things are moving forward when I want to be. But I think it's a habit to think, like, I need to do this and this and this. And then maybe I'm better. Yeah. I think I need to break that habit to. Yeah. That's so interesting.

Yeah. Do you? So I think this conversation is beautiful, Tom. You know why? Why? Because your convention. convincing me of what the right thing to do is. Right?

You're convincing me over the course of this conversation. We started out with sort of like, oh, I can't accept other people's validation. I need practical tips. What if it's not enough? And then now you're telling me, well, actually, like, practical tips haven't really helped very much, and I've realized that it's old thinking that's been habitually trained but isn't necessarily correct. and that I have made a lot of progress by trusting in myself.

And I've made, you know, I've had a serious conversation with my mom. I've gone to therapy and I'm actually growing as a human being. And that's what I need to continue doing. Yeah. You sound like you're doing great. Yeah. Yeah. Is it okay to say I'm proud of you?

Yeah, of course. Thank you so much. You don't reject that? No, actually I don't. I feel proud of myself right now. Wow. Look at what we just did. Yeah, that's really it.

I'm proud of you too. I'm tearing up. I didn't think you were going to be able to be proud of yourself. Yeah, it's fit good. Yeah, it really does. Like, I'm feeling hurt. I've got like a lump in my throat, but I feel very proud of you, and I'm so happy that you're on this journey. Yeah, but I feel hurt inside.

I don't understand why. Why? Were you expecting something different? I mean, so usually, and I feel pride. I don't feel hurt. I think maybe what I'm feeling is like I actually am feeling an acknowledgement of actually like how much you've suffered. And I can be proud that you're making progress, but it's also like you didn't start. start from a good place, right?

And you've been working really, really, really hard. And there's a part of me that almost feels like you should have deserved to start in a normal place. And if you had worked this hard, you would have ended up very, very successful and happy. I think there's a part of me that's sad because even after working so hard, you're just like getting to be normal. Yeah. And that feels really unfair to me.

Yeah. Yeah, I actually think about that sometimes. It's like I can see my potential on so many things and I know that I'm strong enough to accomplish things that are meaningful to me. But sometimes I found like drag it down because of all this work I have to do on something that I don't say that it shouldn't have happened, but it is a shame that happened.

Yeah, I understand that. Yeah. Can I share just one or two other small thoughts with you, just something for you to think about? Of course. So we talked a little bit about, I just want to kind of fill in this chart. So you already had a conversation with your mom. I think that's really, really important. Another thing that I want you to consider doing is trying to validate other people.

I know we talked about that a little bit. But I don't want you to reassure them, right? If someone is struggling around you, in order to learn how to validate properly and how to accept validation, sometimes it can help to try to support other people. Okay. Just practice it. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I've been trying to be more open with my relationships and try to talk a bit more about things that happen in their lives. And yeah, this is a good thing for you to tell me I will be. You happy with the practical tip? Yeah. So can you quickly outline me the difference between validation and reassurement to like have it in my mind right now?

Yeah, absolutely. So this is something that we teach all of our coaches. therapists learn this as well. So validating is acknowledging someone else's experience. Reassurance is actually telling everyone that it'll be okay. Okay. There's a big difference. So reassurance is like before you do a judgment?

No, so reassurance is actually telling, it's invalidating. Because if you tell me, Tom, that I'm really struggling. and, you know, everything in my life is hard. And I say to you, no, no, no, everything's fine. You're brilliant. You're okay. Everyone at work tells you you're doing a good job. That's not actually validating.

It's actually invalidating because I'm saying you're wrong. Yeah, I understand. You're foolish for believing that everything is not okay. So reassurance is oftentimes actually invalidating. Yeah. The weird thing, and you may have remembered this, is that when you've validate someone, even though you're telling them, yeah, you should be afraid, and you may have remembered this from a few moments ago, you actually feel better, even though you're acknowledging

the fear. Right? It's kind of weird because, wait, you're telling me that I, I should, it's okay to be afraid. Yeah, like, if you're afraid, like, you're not an idiot. Right? But oddly enough, so what validation really does is a lot of people think that if I acknowledge someone's negative emotions, I'm going to reinforce them. Yeah.

Right? I'll make it worse. But actually, when someone is feeling afraid and when they're feeling afraid, part of what they're feeling is alone. And when you reassure them, you actually make them feel more alone. Whereas when you validate them, at least, like, even if you're like, I'm not saying that everything in your life is going to be easy. In fact, what I'm saying is that I think it's really sad that you had to deal with this

stuff. This feels really unfair to me. And yet, when I say something like that, because your actual problems don't change, right? No matter what I say, your life is going to be your life. The differences are you alone in it? And what validation really helps people do is acknowledge that negativity, face that negativity, not feel alone in it. And then that actually helps them feel better. And then I don't know, I'd recommend that you go back and you watch the Vod, but like you kind of flip over the course of this conversation. Okay. Yeah, yeah, I will.

And you were sort of talking about, oh, I have all these problems and like, I don't know if it's going to be enough and like I need practical tips and all this kind of stuff. And then like towards the end of the conversation, you're kind of saying, oh, but actually like I used to do a lot of practical tips. And the practical tips actually feel like working harder. And that actually doesn't help. And what I really need to do is trust myself. And when you say things like, I should trust myself, that's what we call confidence. And so over the course of this conversation, you've actually become more confident. Yeah.

The last thing that I want to share, does that answer your question? Yeah. The last thing that I want to share with you, okay, is when you're in a situation and your mom says everything is okay, let's say this is reality. This is going to be kind of confusing, okay. I just don't know how to. And your mom says everything is okay. Sometimes what happens is our mind will have to balance that out. with doubt. Does that make sense?

Yeah, yeah, because you know that reality is not that side. Right. So when you and your mom have this kind of conversation, I've seen this a lot, where when people don't acknowledge reality and one person pretends that everything is okay, it's almost like the burden of this reality is shared between you and your mom. And it sounds like your mom used a coping mechanism, which is pretend. pending everything is okay and trying to convince the world that everything is okay. And sometimes what we see in kids when parents use this coping mechanism is the kid actually has to balance that with an appropriate amount of doubt because you can't trust your mom.

Right. So then like I know it sounds kind of weird. And so when we're thinking about the origins of your doubt, sometimes I've seen this kind of thing where when a child grows up with an overly reassuring a parent, what they actually learn how to do is doubt, doubt, doubt, doubt. Yeah. It's almost like the opposite of copium. Because your mom is like, you know, copium? Yeah. Okay. So that's just something for you to kind of think about. I think it's really healthy that you had one conversation with your mom. And I want you to just think a little bit about where you learn to doubt and what the relationship between your mom's perspective that everything is okay is and your doubt. Okay. Okay. Sounds good. Yeah, sounds good. Very good. How you holding up, Tom?

I'm good. Actually, I feel a lot more relief. And I think that this talk helped me acknowledge the comfort that is in my mind between trusting myself and the process and wanting to fix things with tips. And yeah, it really helped me to understand the difference between validation and reassurance and recognizing that, I think it will help me a lot. Validating new people and understanding when somebody is validating or invalidating me, that was really helpful. Yeah, Tom, I also want to say, I can, I'm assuming that English isn't your first. language because you have an accented stuff, but you're very, very good at organizing your thoughts and summarizing. I very much appreciate that. Thank you so much. That's really good to hear. Good. Any last questions before we wrap up? No, I think I have any more questions. Okay. Thank you so much for your health and for your time. Thank you very much for calling in. I hope a lot of people

were able to learn from your experience. Yes. Take care, buddy. Bye-bye. So let's do a quick summary. So it's kind of tricky because sometimes we reject other people's reassurance, right? So we doubt something in ourselves. And what we'll naturally do is we'll turn to other people and we'll sort of be like, okay, like, hey, like am I doing a good job at work?

Is it okay? Like, am I a good friend? Am I a good partner? And no matter what they say, like even if they reassure us, we'll ask for reassurance, but the moment they reassure us will actually reject it. So where does that actually come from? Interestingly enough, it comes from oftentimes somewhere along the way our mind learns that other people can't be trusted. And sometimes, as in the case of Tom, like what we really saw is that there's like a really good reason why they're able to do that. And so a lot of this comes down to

really understanding what the difference between validation and reassurances and how putting our heads in the sand and ignoring problems actually does not work. So, you know, really beautiful case of someone who struggles to receive validation and reassurance from others and trying to understand where that really comes from. So if we like sort of ask people for reassurance and end up rejecting it, it turns out that we're not fundamentally busted. It turns out that somewhere along the way, our brain learned to distrust what other people say about us. And so overcoming that, actually involves a couple of different things, understanding where the origin of your own doubt is, understanding how your brain was conditioned to reject what other people say, and ultimately

understanding the difference between validation and reassurance.