HealthyGamerGG - I Had Sex and It Was Gross...

Episode Date: January 3, 2022

Dr. K talks about your first time... Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You have it, like, it is a thing, and then you are like, everyone loves having sex. Sex is fantastic. We also think that it's great every single time. Like, man, I got laid. It was so awesome, dude. Like, oh, my God, like, oh, man, getting laid. Like, oh, my God, laid, laid, laid. So, I am a former in-cell, 32M, okay, who had sex for the first time today and was grossed out.

After a two-year self-improvement journey, I was able to get a woman to sleep with me on our fifth date. Prior to sex, she said she might even become my girlfriend if we continue to get along and bond with each other. Later that evening, we hooked up. I'm not sure what I was expecting to feel, but my eggplant felt really weird inside. I didn't bother to finish because I lost my boner, got a little queasy, and just said I wasn't ready after all. She knew my situation, so she was supportive and hugged me. I have big fingers and I play guitar, so I was able to get her off using my hands. Perhaps that's why we're meeting again this Tuesday. She said she still might become my girlfriend.

Am I actually some sort of asexual? Have I damaged my eggplant from 18 years of jerking off? I can easily jerk off thinking of this girl, so I know the plumbing works. By the way, I successfully completed November in an attempt to escape porn addiction and be interested in real sex. So I am sad that I didn't succeed when the time came. Or the time didn't come. Edit, during my lonely years, I developed some disturbing porn fetishes. That got really bad after a knee surgery that left me laid up in bed for weeks.

Hitchhiking to Squirt City three times a day. That's one of the reasons why I did No Not November. I worry that the porn preferences might be corrupting my normal sexual appetite. Okay, so apologies for the trolling comment. So I think this is a really excellent post because I think it highlights a couple of things. The first is that, you know, incels believe, just like we were saying, they have this, like, fantasy of what sex is like, right? And they think, like, oh, if I can just get a woman to sleep with me, I will no longer be an in-cell. And everything will be amazing, right?

So they sort of have this idea that if you are, if you have sex a single time, then you are like no longer the in-cell. And everything for you is like golden after that. You become, you become one with the chads. Like, you graduate from incel to chad. And once you graduate from Incel to Chad, then like, you're totally fine and everything is super easy for you. And I think this is the unfortunate thing is they're wrong about that. And you can be happy as an in-cell sort of. Or let me put it this way.

Our society places a bizarre value on sex, right? And we think that once you have sex, you've crossed some sort of threshold to where there's like, you're in the promised land where everything you're confident and rich and powerful and all these other things. but that's just not how it is, right? And I think this is a really great post because it illustrates the simple truth of like how complicated sex is and how just getting laid is not going to fix all your problems. Okay? So let's talk about this first. So this is going to be a little bit more graphic, but I think it's really, really important to understand, you know, like sex.

and what it means to people and how to get out of the situation. This is unfortunately a situation or fortunately, depending on how you look at it. I've worked with a fair number of people who are sort of in this situation, and I've also helped them get out of the situation. So we're going to kind of talk a little bit about how to deal with this. So let's start off by sort of thinking through like the key points of this person's post. So the first is that they are a former in-cell. So the first is that they identified with being.

an insult. Second thing is they have worked on themselves for two years, completed no not November, went like Chad mode, Sigma male, right? And then like managed to start dating and were able to engage in a sexual relationship with a partner. I think it's a woman, right? Same girlfriend. So let's assume woman. The other thing that I want to tell this person is like, this woman is worth her weight in gold. Right? So like this is just something I want to say. Like the ability to understand where you're coming from, be emotionally available for you, and sort of like be patient with you as you're going through this journey is like amazing. You really got lucky because there are many people out there who may not be as willing to like hold your hand through this journey,

which is exactly what it's going to be. It's going to be a journey. So everyone, so now what we're going to do is talk a little bit about sex and how we envision sex. So we envision sex as like some sort of like milestone where it's like once you have to be. it, like, it is a thing. And then you were like, everyone loves having sex. Sex is fantastic. We also think that it's great every single time. Like, man, I got laid. It was so awesome, dude. Like, oh, my God, like, oh, man, getting laid. Like, oh, my God, laid, laid, laid. So we definitely romanticize the idea of sex. We also romanticize the idea of both being a virgin and no longer being a virgin, right? We attach all kinds of different, like, myths and other kinds of, like,

things to sex. So let's just kind of quickly talk about the myths of sex. Let me see if I, yeah, okay. It's funny. I was actually talking about this earlier. So let's talk about the way that we romanticize and mythologize sex. Okay? All right.

So myth number one, the first time you do it, it's going to be amazing. Oftentimes not true. I think especially, I think women have the same. experience more often than men? Oh, wait, we're not... The myths of sex. So the first time you do it, it's going to be amazing. Myth number two, every time you do it, it's going to be amazing. Also not true. Okay? So the truth is that sex is just like anything else. So I'd say it's like almost like cooking, where, you know, you can cook an amazing meal and it can be super, super delicious.

But the first time you cook something, it's probably not going to be like that great, right? And I think especially I've had this experience more with women that I've worked with, where oftentimes the first time they have sex, it's like painful, somewhat pleasurable. Oftentimes the first time that women have sex, especially if it's like teenagers, for example, you know, the person they're having sex with may not know exactly how to bring them to orgasm because it's like not quite as intuitive for women as it is with men. So, you know, there's this idea that the first time you have sex, it's supposed to be like this amazing thing, right? So also like in cultures, like the in-cell culture, like they will mythologize and kind of fantasize about what this first sexual experience is. Whereas the truth of the matter is for many people, the first sexual experience is like awkward and unfulfilling. And this is exacerbated by the fact that there are so many like mythologies or fantasies. about it, right? Like, we have all these movies that condition us like, oh, like, there are two people,

and they're kissing by the moon, and then, like, the music starts playing, and then, like, it's like the next morning, and it's like, everyone's, like, smiling at each other, and they're like, oh, my God, that was amazing. That's just not how it works, right? Sex, just like anything else in life is going to be, like, awkward and unfulfilling until you get the hang of it. And so this is the first thing to understand, okay? Next thing to understand, okay? Next thing to understand, understand is that there are a lot of different things that can make sex difficult. So this person is dealing with like, you know, common difficulties. Okay. So the first is death grip syndrome. So this is just a very physical conditioning thing. So our body gets like conditioned

based on particular things. It's almost like a Pavlovian response. So this, I see a lot. in men who have sex like later in life, right? So we're not, maybe like not the first few years, but, you know, if you've been masturbating for 18 years, what's going to happen is that your body is going to require a certain kind of stimulation to achieve climax. Because you've trained it, right? Like, you've essentially like trained your penis like a dog. And I'm not saying that to be Mimish. I'm saying like there's like Pavlovian conditioning going on. So there's a certain amount of grip strength. There's a certain lack of lubrication. There's like a certain thing that like you've just trained your body to respond to. Okay. And so this is where it can be kind of interesting,

but then when people actually engage in sexual intercourse, like vaginal intercourse, what they tend to find is that vaginal intercourse does not work. And it doesn't get them to orgasm. And then this creates like a psychological problem, which then this person sort of gets into, right? And they're kind of like, wait, wait, like this is kind of like gross and queasy. So there are kind of different psychological problems like, am I messed up? I think this is, am I asexual? Right? So this person has this concern.

And then these psychological problems will then, in turn, lead to, you know, flacidity, which then in turn will lead to shame, which then will kind of lead to more psychological problems. And then they've kind of like Gigi'd out, right? It becomes a cycle. So the truth of the matter is that you're not messed up. You've just conditioned your body in a certain way. And the good news is that you can decondition it as well.

So this is where, okay, does that make sense? Do I need to explain that more? Are you all good with that? Okay. So this is where, you know, if you've got death grip syndrome, there are things that you can do. So if we kind of think about, you know, the vagina. And we've got Darth Vader over here.

Right? Like what are the different features that you need to like kind of get from. So one is a lot of times people who are in this situation use no lube. So what you want to start doing is, and this is highly lubricated. Right? So what you want to start doing is like start using lotion. Second thing is that, you know, I don't know how to say,

I'm trying to say this without being memeish, but you know, the PSI, the pounds per square inch that your hand is able to exert, is going to be like greater than, you know, the PSI for the Vaj is going to be like a little bit lower, right? So what you want to do is looser grip. So these are the two biggest things that you can do for death grip syndrome. Okay. And if you do these, you'll physiologically re-entrain yourself. It's going to feel very unsatisfying because like you're going to want to squeeze harder and you're going to want to use less lotion.

Because this is what you need to climax, right? And so the next thing that we can do is so in terms of a sexual relationship, like, you know, I'm not saying you should go monk mode for the next two months and just masturbate using these things. So thankfully, it sounds like you've got a pretty supportive partner. So now we're going to. Okay. So we've got a man and we've got a woman. Okay. So let's just add some hair here.

And then if we kind of think about we've got hands. We've got genitals. I've got breasts. Okay? This is the kind of thing where if you just like label the erogenous zones like your partner can get involved.

Right? So this is going to get a little bit graphic but like you know you've got erogenous zone number ways of delivering and receiving pleasure. One, two, three, four. Okay? We're going to steer clear of stuff like

maybe there's a five over here if you want to consider buttholes or scrotums or whatever. I don't know if you guys can even see those numbers. Yeah, sure. Let's be complete. So, five and six are down there, okay? If you want to get really crazy, you know, feet can be erogenous zones.

So there's evidence, for example, that there are non-insulated neurons in the feet of, especially, this is maybe even gender-specific, more gender-specific. So this is going to sound kind of weird. So you have a spinal cord, right? And so if we think about the human body, like here's your shoulders, right? And then here's like, let's say, you know, your chest. And then down here we've got genital nerves. And then like over here we've got foot nerves that kind of come in over here.

And it's really interesting because there's even a cool hypothesis that I was looking at that if you look at the anatomy, there are non-insulated nerves that from the feet and genitals, that run next to each other. So there may be actually an electrical impulse that can travel from a foot nerve to the general nerves, especially in women. I don't know how really true this is, to be honest. But there's some evidence to this,

which suggests that part of the reason that women may be able to get some degree of sexual arousal from feet is through even like anatomical, there may be anatomical correlations here, so it's not just psychological. And then if we kind of think about your partner, right, let's start from the top one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Right? So this is where like if you're just thinking about, you know, if you're in this situation, how do you have sex with a partner? There are a lot of options is the short answer, right? So like even if you are, and what I recommend is that you like naturally get, you, you sort of start combining bridging the two. Right? So it doesn't have. have to be three plus six, right? It can be like over here, you can do one plus three and then, you know, engaging with your partner like four plus one or four plus six, you know, or four plus two, you know, or your two with their six. And I'm trying to keep this as, as professional as possible, right? And I'm going to try not to be like, oh, yeah, you could like squeeze in a little bit

of like three plus two, you know. and add a little bit of four plus eight, if you know what I mean. And, and, you know, there's a lot of stuff that you could do. My point is that you can kind of get creative. And much like cooking,

it's about, like, balancing flavors and, like, trying different kinds of stuff. Right. And, and so I know this is, I know when it comes to sex, people are, like, automatically like, oh, my God, like, ah.

But the truth is that there's a lot of science here. Like, this is an important part of health. It's an important part of psychology. And so over time, what you can gradually do is like, you can basically, like, if your hand is what you need, maybe like you're using your hand or maybe she can use her hand, right? Like, if what you need is, you know, minimal lube and a tight grip, like, you can kind of show her how. And so that she can still be involved in the process. Like, you can be involved in the process.

And then over time, you know, you can do, like, different things. and you can even like, you know, there are different combos that you can do. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail, but I mean, you can get quite detailed. So in terms of some of the sex therapy that I've done, like it gets like super, super detailed with like even transition points and stuff like that. It's like you can get 90% of the way there using one thing. And when you're super, super close, you transition to something else, which will in a sense kill it. But if you're close enough, you'll kind of still make it the rest of the way there.

And it may not be perfectly satisfying. but then your body will have entrained itself a little bit to finish up in a place where it didn't start. You just get what I'm saying? Does that make sense? Right? So I don't really feel like this is appropriate to go into too much detail on stream.

Yeah, like Wombo combo, right? And so does that make sense? Like the truth is you can do a lot here. Okay? So does that... So questions. So let me just kind of summarize. So like if you're, you know, if you have this myth that like having sex is just going to be amazing the first time around.

And especially if you've been masturbating, you know, for years and years and years, sex is not going to be just amazing the first time you do it, right? It's like, it's a practice. Like it's something that you do with your body and your mind that, sure, there's a lot of like biological drivers, which are like sort of telling you what to do. But if you've conditioned your body for 18 years to respond to something else, you have to like start the process of like conditioning. it towards where you want to go.

And you can absolutely do that. So the way that I'd sort of describe this is almost like eating spicy food. Like spicy food can be absolutely amazing. I absolutely love it. And the first time you have it, like if you go too far, you may go way too fat. Like, you know, maybe like a terrible experience for you. And then what happens is we have so much discussion. I genuinely think this is a problem.

We have so much discussion about variable sexuality that someone will have a negative sexual experience and start to wonder, oh, am I asexual? They'll go down the echo chamber of asexual content, conclude that they are asexual, which could be true. But the simple truth of the matter is that you may just have had a bad sexual experience and like, you're not really asexual. You just need to recondition your body. You can be like a, you know, normative sexual behavior. It doesn't mean you're asexual. Like, you can actually transition from here to here. and if you sort of adopt that label right from the get-go, then you may actually be missing out on a lot of things.

So when I'm supporting people through their own journeys of discovering their sexuality, like this is a really important point, right? That it takes some time and some experimentation to figure things out. Just because you have a negative experience, and there are a lot of people out there who will say, like if you post this on a forum for asexual people, since the asexual people are trying to be supportive of each other, what they may say is they're like, yeah, you're asexual.

Like, that was my experience as well. This was my journey. It's okay to be asexual. You're asexual. They may say things like that in an effort to be supportive, and that could actually, like, be, you know, have a negative impact on that person. I can feel the Shakti leaving my body during this Convo.

Well, we'll try to get your Shakti back later, okay? Okay? So, you know, for this person, don't give up yet. you really lucked out in terms of who you ended up dating. You know, give yourself some time, give yourself some patience. And yeah, be patient with yourself. I think that's the most important thing. Okay.

All right, so we've got kind of a different one now. Oh, chat. Okay, different one, okay? Okay. So next up, we've got a post from a parent. also also just one other myth

that I want to try to spell for a second so I see this posted on the internet a lot where like people will post and they'll say that they'll talk about the number of vagina the number of penises that how can I say this delicately I'm just trying to

so people will say that like if you've been if a woman has had sex with a lot of different men that her vagina will be loose. And for some reason, they think that having sex with the same penis over and over again does not make it loose. So I don't know how else to say this, but like, just because you take big bites of a subway sandwich doesn't mean that your mouth is like hanging open all the time. Does that make sense?

Chat? Oh, God. Why is this not focusing? Focus. Auto focus. Right? Just because you eat a lot of the subway doesn't mean your mouth is like, uh, this all the time, right? The body is elastic. Like, opening your mouth really big and taking big bites does not give you like a very loose mouth. And in the same way, having sex

with one penis or lots of penises does not alter the elasticity of your vagina. It's just not physiologic. Like, I don't know where people get this idea. Like, just because you poop out huge turds does not give you like a loose asshole. It just, you know, like, it's just not how it works. Like, I'm sure that's going to get clipped out of context or whatever, but just saying, chat, like, you need to understand that, right? Do we get, we all on the same page there? It's just physiologically, it's like, no amount of sticking your finger in your nose is going to give you, like, a gigantic nostril. Like, it's just not how it works.

Got it? Okay. Someone was like, I just tuned in. Yeah, sorry about that. I don't know. Like, so I struggle with saying things like. that on stream because I recognize that people are going to think it's like memeish, but it's also like people are out there saying this, right? People believe this. Like, I don't know where do they

get this idea. Um, so, you know, anyway, like, seriously, like, I think that's part of our mission here. And we can't, we can't avoid, or maybe we should. So I'm open to feedback. If people think that this was a mistake on stream, maybe my team will tell me, like, don't say things like this. But if you all think this is good on stream, like, please let us know if you guys think that it's not good on stream and you think that it does deplete your shakti and we shouldn't be talking about this stuff, please let us know. Because I think once again, we have so many romantic or mythologized notions about sexuality that like people will think that, oh, if I have sex with lots of men, like, I will have a lusive

vagina. Like women will think that too, right? Like men will like start dating someone and you really like someone, but you have this myth that if they've had more partners than you have, then you break up with them. And it's like you're missing out on something. You're judging that person like arguably unfairly. Maybe you're judging them fairly. You're allowed to make whatever judgments you want to.

So it's hard because there's a lot of stuff out there that is meme friendly, but is also like really important PSAs.