HealthyGamerGG - If You Date Someone With BPD... Watch This Video

Episode Date: March 20, 2023

🎙️ Join Dr. K in this eye-opening episode as he dives into the world of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) in relationships! 💑 Discover the truth behind BPD, its core features, and how to build a successful, loving relationship with someone who has it. ❤️ Say goodbye to stereotypes and hello to understanding! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

All right. So today we're going to talk about how to successfully have a relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder. So this is something that I've been wanting to talk about for a while. There's a lot of resources out there for people with borderline personality disorder. There are also places like support groups for people who are dating people or in relationships with people with people with borderline personality disorder. But I've worked with a lot of people with BPD and I've worked with a lot of people who've dated people with BPD. And the truth of the matter is that, Oftentimes, BPD is viewed as a red flag. And what a lot of people will get in terms of advice is that, hey, like your family and friends will tell you, if someone has BPD, like, you should break up with them. Right? Because the relationship is such a roller coaster. And there are so many red flags.

And they're so emotionally manipulative. And you're like, you're not sure what's going on. You're dating this person. They're like, they're getting better. And everything seems fine. And then you wake up tomorrow and it's like you're back to square one. It can be incredibly, incredibly like a wild ride. which can be emotionally exhausting.

And so the sad truth is that a lot of people will sort of like end up avoiding people with BPD. And it sort of makes sense because that can be a very challenging relationship to have. And this isn't really enhanced by like media depictions of BPD. So if you look at, you know, how the media and TV shows and movies will kind of portray people with BPD, it's usually the crazy ex-girlfriend. And a lot of people out there will sort of like, you know, they'll have a crazy ex-girlfriend who was like, was one hell of a roller coaster of a relationship. And so this is, I think, really important because people with BP do actually do get better.

They can form very, very wonderful, healthy relationships. I've seen that happen over and over again. And the truth of the matter is that sometimes we fall in love with someone who has a diagnosable mental illness. And I don't think that it's good to just discard that person because they have a mental illness. And sometimes having a mental illness can be really hard on your partner. as well as on yourself. So what I'd love to do today is talk y'all through a couple of things. The first is help you all understand some of the basics of BPD. The second is help you understand

how some of the core features of borderline personality disorder can manifest within a relationship. And the third is some principles that I've seen have sort of led to more successful relationships with people with BPD. So let's kind of start with some basic facts. So the first thing to understand about dating someone with BPD is chances are they will get better. So the research suggests that 35% of people with BPD will actually be in remission at one year. So that means that BPD kind of goes away after one year for about 35% of people. But what about like higher odds? So if you look at people with BPD 10 years out, 91% of them are in remission.

And they actually hit a 99% remission rate. at about 16 years. So what that means is that a lot of people will think that if someone is a crazy ex-girlfriend, if they stay with that person, that person will remain crazy for the rest of their lives. And this is what you have to put up with for the rest of your life. But the truth of the matter is that for the majority of people, BPD actually resolves. And the way that it resolves is by having oftentimes a stable relationship. And so the reason these people get stuck is because there's kind of too much to handle,

too much of a roller coaster. they get dumped, and then like the whole cycle kind of repeats itself, they feel more insecure, we'll kind of get to that. But the first thing that I want to tell you is that if you're in a relationship with someone with BPD or you have BPD, that the good news is that actually like, you know, 99% of people are actually okay after about 16 years. And 35% of people are better after one year. So it kind of, you know, paces out that way. So the second thing that we have to talk a little bit about is the gender breakdown in BPD. So about 75% of people who have, BPD are women. And this is part of the reason why I think they're characterized this way in movies

and like TV shows and stuff. Our media portrayals are usually focused on women. And there's like some amount of like truth to that, right? Because the majority of people who have BPD happen to be women. Some recent research is suggesting that the ratio is actually closer to one to one or 50%. And today what we're going to talk about is some of the examples that I'll use will be sort of focused on a woman with BPD because that's most of the experience that I've dealt with. But there are absolutely cases, and we'll touch on these as well, where men can have BPD too, and those can be really challenging relationships. Okay. So don't give up hope. You don't have to dump them. We're not saying that you shouldn't dump them if that relationship isn't right for you. But I want to tell you all,

first and foremost, that having BPD, even though it can be a red flag, does not mean that it is an insurmountable problem in a relationship. So let's move on to understanding a couple of the core features of BPD. The first thing to understand about BPD is that these people have difficulty with emotional regulation. So if you look at the brains of people with BPD, they actually suffer more than the average human being. And how can you say that, Dr. K? Like, oh my God, like, isn't all suffering equal? How can we compare suffering? Like, everyone is entitled to suffer. Yes, that's true. Everyone is entitled to suffering. We shouldn't compare suffering. But you can actually do brain scans on people with BPD. You can actually study their reactions in their brain and what

you discover is something that's really interesting. So the amount of time that it takes the average person to feel a negative emotion is like, let's say somewhere between five and 30 seconds. People with BPD feel negative emotions more rapidly than people with normal brains. They feel those emotions more intensely. So they feel worse faster. The measurable blood flow to the negative circuits of their brain is actually increased. So they literally feel that emotion more intensely than average. And this is the actually most damaging thing in my clinical experience is the amount of time, the duration of that negative emotional experience is way longer than average. So whereas I may get really upset for like 20 minutes or 30 minutes. Like

after about half an hour, I'll kind of cool down. Whereas if you look at some people with BPD, it will ruin their entire day or that negative emotional experience can last for like 24 hours. So this is something that's really important to understand because there's going to be a high amount of emotional activity in their brains. The second thing to understand about BPD is that the way that they feel about themselves is highly tied to the way that they are treated. So if you look at the core problem of BPD, in my opinion, this is kind of my take as a psychiatrist, it is a sense of self that is not well developed. So what does this kind of mean? This means that let's say that I have like an opinion of myself, right? I believe, hey, my name is Alok. I'm like kind of like a decent dude. I'm not

perfect. I'm not terrible. And so as I move through the world, I will get feedback, right? So if someone like yells at me at a grocery store, I have this sense of self which is different from the way that I'm treated. And so that provides me with resilience. If someone calls me a piece of crap, I'm not going to believe that because I have an internal sense of self. Similarly, if someone walks up to me and is like, hey, you are the greatest thing since sliced bread, you are the Messiah, you are beautiful, you are amazing, you are perfect. I'm actually not going to believe that either because I know,

hey, like, I'm flawed just like any other human being. So the way that I, what I think about myself is based on an internal sense of self-worth. And so, depending on how I'm treated, I'll kind of like buffer against the way that people treat me. So if you look at when that sense of self-worth is not well-developed. Like teenagers are a really good example of this, right? So when you're a teenager, if everyone starts treating you like crap, you are going to feel like crap. And that's normal. That's part of the normal developmental process.

So in the case of BPD, the core problem is that their sense of self isn't very well developed. So they're not as resilient to other people's changes. And so they become hypersensitive to the changes of other people. The third really, really core feature to understand about BPD, people with BPD have a huge fear of abandonment. And there's a very, very tight correlation between childhood trauma and the development of BPD. And chances are, the nature of that trauma somehow creates a fear of abandonment within the person with BPD. Okay. So now that we understand these three core things, difficulties with emotional regulation, a very not resilient sense of self, and a fear of abandonment,

we'll start to see how these manifest in relationships. So if you look at the diagnostic criteria, for BPD. Like you literally look at like how we diagnose BPD. One of the core features of the diagnosis is a pattern of intense and unstable relationships. So why is this? So it kind of comes down to understanding this emotional regulation piece. If you look at a normal relationship, it'll be kind of like a bell curve in terms of emotional experiences. So most of the emotional experiences that you have with your partner will be like kind of mediocre, right? Like you're like cooking together, you're doing dishes, maybe you'll get into a little bit of a fight, you celebrate your birthday and it's like pretty fun and it's like pretty chill. It's like not

that wild. It's like life is pretty normal with most people. The thing is when you're dating someone with BPD, those relationships can be more you-shaped. So instead of most of the experiences being emotionally in the middle, they're actually emotionally at the extremes. And it feels like a real roller coaster because, you know, the experiences that you're having are like really, really, really wild. It's like, oh my God, on one day, like this relationship is intense and it's beautiful. It's amazing. Oh, my God. We're like so in love. And it's like so like, oh, my God, this person is the one. We spent 72 hours together and we didn't spend a minute apart. And it was like, oh, my God, it was like all the movies. And then when you leave on Monday morning and you don't answer a text,

it's like, whoa, now we're suddenly swinging to the other end of the pendulum. What is wrong with you? Why don't you text me back? Like, I thought we had something real. I thought you were the one. I thought you meant it when you said you loved me. Like they'll say all kinds like really nasty, emotionally manipulative toxic stuff, right? And then you're like, oh my God, this is terrible. And then you'll meet again.

And then she starts crying and then you feel terrible and you're crying. And then you guys hug. And then like you're together again. And like you're past it all. And you really do love each other. Love conquers all. And then, you know, you start to get an erection. And then you have makeup.

sex and it's like, oh my God, we're back to the other end. That's what relationships with BPD can be like. It's one hell of a ride, right, with a very, very wild emotional swing. So why does this happen? It happens because of the difficulty with emotional regulation. So what people with BPD do is when they start to feel abandoned, right? Because you had these three days where y'all were joint at the hip and then you don't text someone back. What that person does is they start to feel abandoned. As they start to feel abandoned, remember they start to suffer more than you do. So whereas fear of abandon may hurt you a little bit, like it's really intense for them and lasts for a whole day.

And then what they start doing is they start engaging in behaviors to kind of bring you back. And so then they'll start texting you really toxic stuff, right? Or it'll like they'll like bounce between like really toxic and like really sad things that like really pull at your heartstrings. They're like apologizing, I'm so sorry. I'm crying like, oh my God, like will you ever forgive me? And it's like, then you feel like an asshole.

They make you feel guilty. So you're like, yeah, of course, I'll forgive you. It's okay. Right. And so it's like your emotions become this ping pong ball. And why do your emotions become a ping pong ball? Because their emotions are a ping pong ball. And they're kind of getting bounced all over the place.

Which brings us to the second thing that's very common in BPD relationships, which is the feeling of mixed signals. Kind of like a pendulum, this kind of comes down to this fear of abandonment. So sometimes what happens when people have BPD is when they're engaged in a relationship, you know, what's going to happen is. like, things are going pretty well and y'all are having lots of fun. But in the back of their mind, they've been abandoned so much in the past, right, because they got abandoned as kids. So there's like that seat of trauma back there. And then they've had so many relationships, which were so amazing

and how did those emotions relationships always end up? The other person always ended up leaving, right? Because like, they couldn't deal with the crazy. So they left. And so each time someone can't deal with the crazy, it traumatizes them further, increases the fear of abandonment. So now what they know, they're going to try to protect themselves and they're going to try to protect you. And the way that they're going to do that is when things are good, they're going to start to, when is the other shoe going to drop? When are things going to go back to the way that they always end up? Because remember, it happens seven times, eight times, nine times, ten times. So it's got to happen 11th time, right? So then what they'll start to do is they'll start to push you away and they'll start to test you, right?

They'll start to say things that will feel a little bit weird. It'll feel really emotionally manipulative. And all this emotional manipulation, by the way, is pretty unconscious. So that's like, something you gotta give them a pass for if you can. So I'll start to like do things like, oh yeah, you know, I know that this week has really been fantastic and I know that we're deeply in love, but, you know, I know it won't last. They'll say something like that.

And you'll be like, no, no, no, no, baby. Like, of course it'll last. Like, no, no, don't think that. Like, I'll be here for you forever. And they'll say, no, no, no, you won't. You know, you're just saying that today, but tomorrow it'll change, right? No relationships last forever.

And you're like, no, baby, no, no, no. And so then you reassure them. So let's think about what's happening in that moment. Remember that they have difficulty regulating their own emotions. So what they rely on is you to regulate their emotions. So you become the mechanism of their emotional equilibrium. So if I'm feeling abandoned, I'm going to be a little bit pathetic. You won't love me forever.

And then what do I evoke in you? What I evoke in you is, no, no, no, baby, I'll be around forever. Like, I love you forever. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You're the one for me. And then the fear of abandonment goes away, right? That's great.

fix the problem. It's beautiful. And now though, something subtle has happened. So now you start to bear the emotional burden of their roller coaster. You're not only managing your own roller coaster. Now they have made you responsible for their roller coaster. And you've been a willing recipient. And so then what happens is they'll start to push you away, right? They'll start to say it the first time you're like, yeah, baby, I love you forever, babe. And then a week goes by and they're like, oh, yeah, you're going to break up with me. Like, no, I won't. And then a month like, They're saying it again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again. And it can manifest in other ways too.

But they start to push you away. Start to do things that kind of piss you off. They start to pick fights. And then you're like, fine. You want me to leave? I'll leave. And so you get fed up and you walk the door. Now all of their fears have become true.

And so then what they do is they activate a completely different circuit, which is reeling you in. So now that they are actually being abandoned, there's the fear of abandonment. And then there's the actual abandonment. And when they start to become. abandoned, they activate a whole other set of survival mechanisms to pull you back. Because, oh my God, now it's happening. The sky is falling. Everything is falling apart.

Engage emergency techniques. DefCon 5. And so now they completely change their tune. I'm so sorry. Will you ever forgive me? I'm such a piece of crap. I can't believe I did this to you. You deserve so much better than me.

Please, tell me anything, anything, anything. I'll do anything. You know, I'll do anything to bring you back. And by the way, my life has been so hard and you're so perfect and I love you so much, right? And this is when we get into a third thing that kind of happens. Actually, we'll table that for a second. So then what happens is they engage in all of these behaviors. They'll go full speed ahead on whatever they can do to bring you back.

Anything you want. Anything you want. Anything you want. Just come back. Just come back. And so they say, I've changed. Babe, I've changed. I'll do anything for you.

And then you come back. And now you're here again, right? So all of those survival mechanisms disappear. All of those reeling you in mechanisms disappear. And now the fear that you're going to abandon them again happens again. And then they start pushing you away, pushing you away, pushing you away. And so this cycle repeats over and over and over again and people get fed up with it and they're done. Like honestly, like I was talking to one of my patients a couple years ago who was a gamer.

And they were saying like, you know what this feels like? It feels like I'm in a game of mortal combat. And I'm fighting against Scorpion. And Scorpion's like, get over here. jerks me in and then uppercuts me all the way back across the screen. And as soon as I'm over there, it's get over here again and then jerking me back. And so you're getting jerked this way and jerked back that way. And it's like it's too much to handle.

So the third thing that we're going to talk about, which kind of relates to this, right? So once you've gone away, they're like, I'll do anything. You're perfect. Please, please, please. The third thing that people with BPD do is something called splitting. So splitting is when you take, remember, it's not the bell curve. So most people aren't normal. they take that and they shove people to the sides.

So they idealize some people and they demonize other people. This can cause real problems in treatment situations, especially like inpatient situations, where they'll idealize the doctor and they'll demonize the nurse. They'll treat the nurse like absolute crap. The nurse hates me. The nurse is pathetic. I dislike the nurse. And oh my God, the doctor is amazing.

The doctor has cured my trauma. Like, you're the best doctor I've ever seen. And oh, my God, I just wish the nurses were a little bit more. like you. And then as a doctor, you're like, what do you mean by that? They're like, well, they're so cruel to me. And what they'll try to do is they'll split. So they'll idealize some people, they'll demonize other people, and they can create conflict because now the doctors are getting mad at the nurses, right? Because the doctors are like, oh my God, the patients with BPD, you're like, you're so amazing, you're so awesome. And then you go and you're like, hey, we need to talk about this patient and the

way that y'all are treating them. It's really inappropriate, the way that y'all are not behaving with compassion. And then they create conflict. What does that idealization look like? in the relationship. And now we got to pause for a second, right? Because when you date people with BPD or when you see these like crazy ex-girlfriends on like TV shows and stuff or crazy ex-boyfriends, you got to ask yourself, like, and everyone asks themselves, right? Why on earth are we dating these people, right? Like, why would you ever date a crazy chick or a crazy dude? And your family members and your friends are like, why on earth are you in this relationship? Like, I don't get it. It seems so toxic. It's such a roller coaster. And that's because

they do not understand what it's like to be idealized. Because for this person, oh my God, if you have any iota of insecurity yourself, dating someone with BPD is the best thing in the universe. This is why people with BPD always end up with narcissists, by the way. Not always, but many times, statistically, there's a correlation there. Because what happens is they idealize you. They're like, oh my God, for those 72 hours, you're so amazing. All my previous boyfriends have been so terrible. I've been abused so much. I'm so hurt. I was thinking about killing. myself, suicidality is very common, but every time I talk to you, it makes it go away. And oh my God, I was so hurt and everyone is terrible and I'm suicidal. But the moment that I get that penis,

everything gets better. You make it all go away. A lifelong of trauma just with your dick is just gone. And if you were a dude, holy crap, that is so addicting. And what does that look like for the women who are dating men with BPD? They're good looking, they're intelligent, they're funny, they're engaged with you and oh my god they had the sensitive side oh my god they cried in your arms and y'all made love and like until the sun came up and they confessed their trauma to you and they're like i was going to kill myself until i met you and you found this perfect human being this this damaged this broken this traumatized but oh my god you can fix him you can fix him they idealize you holy crap is it addictive and then they demonize you and what's so addictive about that is like oh my god this relationship

is so good. 50% of the time. And the other 50% of the time, it's such a mess. And so if you're dating someone in this situation, you're like, how do I move things in the right direction? Because if we can go to 55%, 60, 75, 80, 90, like, then this relationship is working. I can make it work. Because what do they say the second that you're like, I'm done with this, this is too much, this is too crazy. All my friends say you're crazy. They're like, I'll change, baby. I'll change for you. Please give me the D. That's all I need. Right? And they're like, okay, fine. And that's what happens, right? And so what people don't appreciate is that like, sure, you think people are stupid for dating the crazy person, but there's a damn good reason that you're dating that person. That's what they don't see. And this is where if you look at human behavior, it's the random reinforcement schedule, which is like if you look at like slots and stuff and gambling, right? It's like being perfect 50% of the time and being crap 50% of the time is more likely to engage you than being like mediocre all the time. So this idealization, demonization aspect is really hard to deal with because on one day, you're God's gift to this person and you fixed everything in their life.

And on the other day, they get angry with you because you're starting to pull away with them and they treat you like absolute crap. Okay? So this idealization is really important to understand. The next thing that we're going to touch on, so this is kind of an interesting aspect, is when we talked a little bit about, you know, they don't have a strong internal sense of self, what that can sometimes look like is people with BPD are really good at playing chameleon. And remember that their own emotional state is kind of like a mirror of what you feel.

So if you're angry, they're angry. And one way that that can look, and this can be kind of confusing for people is that they will adopt the mannerism and interests of people around you. So sometimes you'll meet someone and it's like, wow, I'm into underwater basket weaving. And this person is like super into underwater basket weaving. I'm into anime. They're into anime. Like, oh my God, I found a dude who like loves to like cook. Like that's amazing. Like that's amazing. Like that's pretty cool, right? So I found a dude who loves to like organize things in glass jars in the pantry. Like, that's wild. And so some of the things that can be really confusing is when you first meet this person, they can start to become a little bit of a chameleon and kind of like shape themselves to

your interests. And then the problem is that as the relationship goes on, like that's not a genuine interest on their part. They were just kind of not really pretending, but they were absorbing a piece of your identity is really a better way to put it. And then like it becomes kind of frustrating because you kind of feel like a little bit let on. You feel a little bit deceit. You feel a little bit deceit. I don't think the deception is intentional. It's just people with BPD are a little bit like a mirror where they like, what you see in them is what they see, right? So they start to become a little bit of reflection.

Now, if you're listening to this, you know, and maybe you're a friend or family member has said like, oh my God, like, why would you date this person? Like I may be painting a really bad picture of, oh, my God, clearly you got to run for the hills, right? But no, actually, you don't need to run for the hills. Like, whether you run for the hills or not is ultimately like your choice and you have to really think about whether, you know, don't feel guilty. either way, but I don't want you to leave them because they have BPD, but I don't want you to

stay with them because out of guilt. My hope is to educate you, and if you decide, hey, I really want to try to build a relationship with this person, I want to try to help y'all understand this as best as you can. Okay, so how do you succeed in a situation like this? So the first thing is, don't give up, okay? So like I shared at the very beginning, BPD is something that for the vast majority of people enters remission. And a stable relationship is something that can be really, impactful and positive towards that. And the other aspect of don't give up is, remember, it's a roller coaster. So what that sort of means is that even if things feel really, really, really, really awful, if you can kind of be neutral for long enough, the awful periods will disappear.

And even if things feel really, really, really, really amazing, that'll kind of like normalize too. So in a bizarre way, the main reason that I would say don't give up on people at BPD is because time is actually on your side. Things will naturally return to an equal. So like, you don't have to react to a particular thing, which is the core of the problem, right? Is they have all of these behaviors and we end up reacting to them. And then as we react to their behaviors, we evoke a whole different set of behaviors, a la Scorpion. And then we end up reacting to those. So we're sort of felt like it feels like we're being like yo-yoed back and forth in this relationship.

So as best as you can, try not to give up and remember that things will return to equilibrium. So the second thing that I would strongly, strongly recommend is. is that you do your best to set boundaries with compassion. So this is actually really hard, but like people with BPD will interpret meaning in actions that you have that is not what you meant. So for example, let's say I'm dating someone with BPD, they'll text me and I don't answer their text because I'm at work. They will feel the reason I'm not texting them is because I don't like them or I don't love them

or I've met someone else. These are the kinds of thoughts that go through their head. And I know this because I've had tons of patients with BPD. And so what I do as a psychiatrist is try to help them understand that, okay, like, you can have that emotional reaction, but the way you're reading the situation isn't necessarily. And so what we try to do is we try to set boundaries with them. Hey, I may not be able to text you at work, but you don't want to do it in an emotionally reactive way and you want to try to do it as compassionately as possible.

And the whole problem in relationships with BPD is that when we set boundaries, there's a lot of negative emotion associated with it. I don't know why you constantly text me. What do you expect? I can't text you all hours the day. I have a life. And ooh, that is the worst thing to say. Because now you have a life and you have a life outside of them. And that evokes the fear of abandonment. It's happening again. And so it's this whole cycle and mess. So instead what you want to do is set boundaries, but set it with compassion. Hey, I'm sorry that I wasn't able to answer your text.

The truth of the matter is sometimes when I'm at work, I can't afford to be distracted. I'm sorry that that hurts you. I recognize that hurts you. I'm going to think long and hard. about what I can do about that. I do really care about you, but there are some things that, you know, I can't do for you. And that boundary setting can also be in relation to like emotional regulation. So this is another key thing that we really have to do is you have to start weaning yourself off being the source of their emotional regulation. I'm not saying that you can't emotionally support them, but as long as their method to manage their own emotions is you, you're going to burn out. So this is where I would strongly encourage that you encourage them and maybe

even with them start to develop alternate emotional regulation skills. A great way to manage their emotions outside of your relationship is actually therapy. This is one of the times where I'm not going to say sign them up for coaching. You should see a trained therapist because we're talking about a diagnosis. You can also do things like meditation, mindfulness. There are all sorts of other emotional regulation techniques like yoga and things like that. But you're going to have to start to, in order for this relationship to survive, there must be effort put into emotional regulation that does not rely on you. Okay, so that's really critical. The next thing that we're going to talk about is a little bit weird. But this is don't overreact to the highs. The biggest mistake that I see

a lot of people who have relationships with BPD make is that they hate the lows. So we're totally fine getting rid of the lows, but we don't want to get rid of the highs, right? Like, dude, when a woman tells me that the only thing in life that will fix all the trauma is my dick, that's really addictive, right? Because we're men. And like, our self-esteem is based on the performance of our penis or sinus or whatever. And especially if I have an average-sized penis or less than average-sized penis, like, that's going to mean so much to me. So one of the key things that I found working with people with BPD and people who are dating BPD, is that you can't give in to the highs as well. So you need tranquility from the highs and the lows. So if there's something super

amazing that you all are about to engage in, you need the same amount of restraint, which is something that in society we never talk about, right? We're all for getting rid of the lows. But no one's like, hey, by the way, you should temper your highs. You should not lean into the best parts of your relationship. What? That's insane. But the key thing in BPD is that We don't want to be reactive, right? We don't want to follow the yo-yo when it's on its... We don't want to ride the roller coaster all the way up because as soon as we go all the way up,

there's going to be a plunge, right? So we want to stay as neutral as possible. The next thing that we're going to talk a little bit about is encouraging the dialectic. So this is super cool, but there's one of the best evidence-based treatments of four borderline personality disorder is something called dialectical behavioral therapy.

And this is a... It's basically cognitive behavioral therapy with some amount of mindfulness and Eastern concepts mixed in. And the way that the therapy was developed is actually super cool too because there was actually a psychologist who had BPD herself, and she's been pretty open about this. And her experience was that therapy didn't offer quite enough. And so then she got into mindfulness,

and she discovered like one key concept from Eastern thinking, which in Sanskrit is Advaid Vedanta, which then she found like, okay, this is what's missing from therapy. And the cool thing is that this is not an aspect of therapy. This is actually an aspect of Advehh Vedhhhhantah and the meditative traditions. And everyone should be learning this kind of stuff. So what does it mean to encourage the dialectic?

So remember that people with BPD have very black and white thinking, right? They split. So either you are an angel or you are a demon. There's nothing in between. And so in the experience of people with BPD is often that if you are mad at me, that means you hate me. If you are mad at me, that means you don't love me. So they tie everything together.

They cannot sit with the idea that someone is angry with me and loves me at the same time. So literally the therapy that we try to engage in is to teach people that, hey, someone can be mad at you and love you at the same time. That someone can treat you really well and not love you at the same time. because the sad truth is that oftentimes people with BPD will wind up in abusive relationships with narcissists. And those people will treat them well sometimes, but actually not really be invested in them or will take advantage of them. So one of the key things that you can do in the relationship is encourage the dialectic and even ask questions like, hey, if we're having a fight right now, what do you think about whether I love you or not? If we're fighting, does that mean that I can love you at the same time or does that mean that I don't love you? That's where you can have like a calm conversation, hopefully, and you can work at it that, hey, just because I'm mad doesn't mean that I don't love you.

Just because I don't text you doesn't mean that I dislike you. Just because you keep on asking me whether I find other women attractive and I one time say yes doesn't mean that I'm going to leave you, right? There are all kinds of things and encourage that dialectic where both things, two conflicting things, can be simultaneously true. I can be frustrated with you and love you. I can be busy and care about you. I can be mad at you and have compassion towards you. So that dialect becomes really important. The last thing, and this is also really important,

is to stay stable yourself. So I strongly recommend that if you are in a relationship and you really want to make it work, which I think is worthwhile, right? That's why we're making this video. This is a video about don't run for the hills because that's what our media tells us. Our media tells us, hey, if you've got a crazy ex, leap, right?

And the internet tells you, hey, if she's crazy, leave. Tells you, hey, he's crazy, leave. That's what everyone is telling us to do, your family, your friends. But the truth of the matter is that people with borderline personality disorder are human beings and are just as deserving of healthy relationships and love and stability as anyone else. The unfortunate thing is chances are they were traumatized at some point in their life, which makes it harder for them to successfully do that. They have so many adaptations in survival mechanisms and maladaptations that dating them can be

really hard. And so as you ride that roller coaster, try to stay stable yourself. So what does that mean? That means sometimes seeing a therapist yourself. Once again, goes kind of beyond coaching. If your problem is like, hey, I have trouble getting out of bed in the morning or I'm trying to figure out what to do with my career or like, you know, whatever. If you want to learn how to meditate, get Dr. Case guide, whatever. But if you're in a relationship with someone with BPD, I'd strongly recommend that you actually see a therapist. And so do everything that you can to stay stable yourself. Because remember, their sense of self relates to who you are, right? They become a mirror.

So the key thing, and this is how relationships help people with BPD, is that the more stable you are, the more stable they will become. So don't give up on them because they're wonderful, beautiful human beings. And don't fall for the highs or the lows. Good luck. You're going to need it. So one last kind of like quick disclaimer. So a lot of the stuff in this video has been kind of like,

like hyperbolic. And I want to share with y'all that the actual experience of people with BPD and a lot of these examples are like widely variable. Right. So part of the challenge of trying to educate people on the internet is that I try to say things that will resonate and connect with people, but at the same time, I could be playing into and exacerbating stereotypes. So from the bottom of my heart, if I've offended anyone, I'm really sorry. I try to be entertaining and educational, but I want all y'all to understand that what we were talking about today was sort of hyperbolic, and there's actually a lot of variability with the way that people with BPD will present and manifest.