HealthyGamerGG - If You're Antisocial AND Lonely... Do THIS

Episode Date: February 16, 2024

In this video we dive into why social interactions are painful and the effect that technology has on socialization. Learn more from Dr. K in his Guide to Mental Health: https://bit.ly/48lusuS Not sure which module to start on? Take our quiz: https://bit.ly/47dGzKj Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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You're antisocial. You don't really like other people, and that wouldn't be a problem. except you're also lonely. So this is something that I'm hearing happen more and more, where people are lonely, but they don't really like socializing. They don't like hanging out with people. And how do we actually solve this problem?

Because we have an epidemic of loneliness right now. So today what we're going to talk about is what to do if you were both antisocial and lonely. If you crave human connection, but anytime there are humans around, you're like, no, this is annoying. I don't like these people. This is a waste of my time.

We're going to teach you how to fix that problem, okay? So let's understand why social interactions are actually painful. The first reason that social interactions are painful is because people suck. To be blunt, people are getting worse. Like, I swear to God, people are getting worse. So I've been doing psychiatry. I've been seeing patients since 2000 and, what is this? 14, okay?

So I've been seeing patients for about nine years now. And in my professional opinion, people suck more than they used to. Like, I hate to say it, but it's true. Let's understand a little bit about why. Okay? So first thing is that people's level of tolerance is decreasing. What we're seeing based on the internet is as people use more technology, their capacity to emotionally regulate is actually decreasing.

As people's capacity to emotionally regulate decreases, what that means is that they get pissy more. They get more mentally tuned out. And therefore, they're like harder to be around. The second thing that's starting to happen with people is that we're getting radicalized a little bit more. So people are sort of, you know, are part of these like algorithms on Twitter or YouTube or TikTok or Instagram or whatever or Reddit, right? And as we enter these echo chambers, we start to become radicalized. And the more radicalized we become,

the less empathic we become, which is also a result of technology. So people are sort of becoming more emotionally dysregulated. It's easy to trigger people, easy to piss people off. People are becoming a little bit more radicalized. Like, yeah, like if you believe, believe in this, then screw you and I hate you and all these people are terrible, right? So the world is becoming more antagonistic, more polemic. And human beings are becoming less empathic. So as human beings are struggling and as we're becoming more burnt out, the first thing that goes with burnout, the first sign of burnout is actually a lack of empathy or the loss of the capacity of empathy, which means that as the world struggles more, as my own crap is taking up so much of my time, I have less

time for you. And I hate to say this, but like, it's true. People are getting worse. And we're, we're both victims to this too. And isn't just me saying like, oh, like, yeah, it's like everyone but me and you, right? Like all the other humans suck, but like me and you are good. No, this is happening to be. This is happening to you. It's happening everybody, right? So it's harder for people to be decent human beings. That's why it's, that's one of the reasons you're antisocial. Like, let's call it what it is. But there's other stuff because you can't really do anything about that, right? But there isn't any utility to saying people just suck and that's why you're antisocial. Like, yeah, that's the end of the YouTube video. Now go out and what exactly? Like, no, no, no. So that's the one thing

that we have to acknowledge has become objectively harder, but there are actually a lot of things that you can do to better tolerate those things and improve your enjoyment of social interactions. Okay. So let's start with the biggest one. They're not the biggest one, but just one. The one that came to my mind first. Okay. So one of the things that really sabotages social interaction is ego and comparison. So if we literally look at what you do when you hang out with other human beings, you can be engaged with them, right? So if we're like all talking about, let's say, like politics, right? And it's a lively discussion. But the moment that your mind starts making comparisons, you enjoy the social interaction less. So if we're talking about politics, but I,

someone else is over there and I'm like, oh my God, that person is like making such great points. And that person is so articulate. Oh my God, they're so articulate. And I'm not articulate. I like a buffalo. Like, oh my God. So suddenly this, this politics discussion, which may have been a train wreck, but we were all kind of enjoying, has become worse because my mind has started to make a comparison. You can also do this with all kinds of other comparisons. Any comparison that you make in a social interaction is going to damage your enjoyment to the social situation. Oh my God, like me and my homie are talking to these two girls, but my homie is taller than I am and he's sexier than I And then instead of like enjoying talking to these two girls, I get trapped in my own head.

I start making comparisons and then I'm not enjoying myself. So watch out for comparisons that you make when socializing. First of all, they don't do any good, right? Because what are you like what's the point of making that comparison in that moment? So they don't really help us in any way. All they help us do is feel inferior usually. And the second way that they sabotage our social interactions is now we are in our head instead of engaging in the social interaction. And anytime I'm in my head, I'm not going to enjoy the

socialization. So if we're, if we really pay attention, you can be enjoying yourself in a social interaction. And the moment that you start comparing, that enjoyment will literally get shattered. So what do we do about this? The most important thing is to catch it, right? Notice when your mind starts going off on that comparison track. And this is what's kind of weird. We made a video about the science of willpower. And it turns out that awareness of something and controlling and suppressing that thing come hand in hand. Literally the part of your brain that is aware of things is the same part of your brain that controls it. So as you become aware of something, its power literally diminishes in your brain. So if you can catch yourself making the

comparison, your mind will automatically decrease the level of comparison that you'll make. That may take a little while, but it'll absolutely happen over time. And the beauty of this is as you stop comparing, you will start to enjoy the social interaction a little bit more. You will be more engaged. You'll get that positive feedback, and then you will feel less antisocial. It'll be more fun. That's the point, right?

So be careful about comparison. Now, the second thing that's going on is super interesting, is relatively new. Comparison has existed for the history of humanity. This is something that's really, really new. So something weird that happens. Nowadays, when we socialize, up until the moment that we start socialization,

we're on a device. We're usually engaged in technology in some way. And that is having a really interesting effect. So anytime I'm using technology, when I stop using the technology, my internal emotional state becomes worse. So if you all have kids and you have someone who stops using their device, if you take your iPad away from the kid or you tell them to turn off the video game, the first thing that happens is they become really, really grumpy and cranky. You may have noticed this in yourself or your significant other that when you're done playing a video game or if someone stops you from playing a video game, Anytime the technology stops, you don't feel emotionally great, right? Like if you've been playing like fucking queuing up for something for eight hours at a stretch,

you don't end that and you're like, man, I feel amazing. I am ready to go have some fun today. No, you just feel awful at the end of technology. So what's going on there? So we know that basically all of the engaging technologies suppress our amygdala and our limbic system. So our limbic system is our emotional circuitry. And if you kind of think about it, like if I'm having a bad day and I start, scrolling through TikTok, then what's going to happen? That it's going to kind of numb out the bad day

that I'm having, right? For the next 15 minutes, like, I'm kind of lost in this dopaminergic kind of whatever. It's not really super fun, so it's not entirely dopaminergic. But my negative emotions go away. So there's a really interesting principle in the brain, which is that when we have something that is suppressing a part of the brain, and we take that away, what we experience is a neuroscientific rebound. So as soon as you take the device away from the kid, they get, more cranky than they would have been if the device ever touched them in the first place. When we've been playing video games for a while, we feel grumpier, less motivated, a little bit angrier, a little bit more anxious. All the negative emotions rise up. This is a neuroscientific rebound effect.

So now let's understand what this has to do with socialization. So if I socialize with people for one hour and I've been using technology up until that point, the second I stopped the technology, the next negative emotional rebound effect starts to kick in in my brain. And for the first hour that I interact with people, I will literally enjoy myself less because of that emotional crankiness post technology. So now what's going on is your assessment of how fun is it to hang out with other people is actually being messed up by this neuroscientific rebound of negative emotion post technology. So instead of being able to enjoy one hour with someone,

When the first hour that you step away from technology, it's actually like hard to have fun with them. And y'all know what I'm talking about if you've ever been in this scenario where you go to a party, right? You're like going to a party and you don't really know what to say. You're kind of hanging out and you're like, eh, you don't really feel great. You feel a little bit anxious. No one's really talking to me. You say hi to a couple people. Maybe you grab a drink.

And then like you're kind of feeling anxious and 30 minutes in. No one's really talking to you. Let's see you pull out of your phone. And then suddenly you feel better, right? You're kind of like, oh my God, I still like, I don't like being here. Now I'm the loser who's sitting on the corner in the corner on their phone. But like that's all you kind of know how to do. And that feels you makes you feel a little bit less anxious, right?

It's a coping mechanism because now you're at least like looking at cat pictures on the internet. And this is exactly what happens. So one of the key things to understand is that part of the reason that social activity isn't fun is because we are using technology right before we start engaging in social activity. And what that ends up doing is sabotaging. our enjoyment of the social activity. Once we sabotage the enjoyment of the social activity, once, twice, three times, then what happens? Our brain learns. Our brain learns that, hey, we've gone out and hung out with people three times, and it is not fun every time we do it. And then what happens is it will decrease your motivation to socialize because you're like,

socialization isn't fun. Where did that conclusion come from? That conclusion came from a emotionally withdrawing brain trying to engage in socialization. So what is the solution to this? My favorite solution, if you all want a real one that is hard, is walk for an hour before you engage in social activity and do not use technology. So ideally abstain from technology for about an hour before you engage with people. But it is even better if you go for a walk. And this is where people are saying like, okay, what about podcasts or what about music? Ideally, none of it. Just be with yourself for a little while. go for a walk and ideally for an hour, depending on where you live, you may not be able to do that, may not be safe, whatever. The key is to try to avoid technology for one hour before you socialize

with people. That'll like kind of calm your brain down and then once your brain is a little bit calmer, you will be able to engage with people and you will actually enjoy it more. The last thing that we're going to talk a little bit about are a few more concrete tips to actually increase your enjoyment of social interactions. So I found that a lot of people who are antisocial. Take a back seat in social interactions, right? They're like, they're the extroverts and the extroverts are running the show. And so what I have to do is like be kind of like a passive recipient because all the social people are figuring out what to do. I'm kind of an outsider. I can't direct anything. No one's going to listen to me. And that is a huge mistake because once

you let the extroverts start running the show, they're going to take the conversation and start doing things that are going to make you feel uncomfortable. So I know it sounds kind of paradoxical, but if you want to enjoy social activities more, you need to advocate. for moving things in the right direction. So here's a list of questions which I kind of enjoy asking that sort of get the ball rolling, right? So the first question that I tend to ask people is, hey, like, is there anything you're excited about over the course of the next year? Or is there anything that you've been excited about over the last couple of months?

Anything that you're looking forward to. So I do not ask the questions that are the standard questions. What do you do for a living? How old are you? Where are you from? What kind of video games do you like? I don't ask any of those questions about their interests. Why?

because those questions become interviews. Where are you from? I'm from Massachusetts, period. And now you're like, what do you do in Massachusetts? I'm a biotech engineer, period. Your little one grew three inches overnight. Adorable. Also, expensive.

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those questions, which by the way are like from an era when we were trying to like socially rank people, right? That's why we ask all those questions. Like, I get all those questions by Indian aunties and uncles all the time. Like, oh, what are you doing? Are you doctor? Are you doctor? Okay. Let me give you plus five.

Okay. Now I respect you more because you have a profession. You are artist? Oh, my God. Oh, your artist? Oh, my God. That's minus 20. No, no, no.

We can't do that. Oh, doctor. Where did you go to school? Oh, Harvard? Oh, my God. That's plus 20. Oh, my God. So sexy.

Right? That's why we ask these stupid questions. And these stupid questions make people feel embarrassed. or make people feel proud. So you don't want to be asking those questions. Instead, ask people what they're interested in, what they've been doing recently. Like, actually, don't ask what you've been doing recently.

Because sometimes people are like, I've been sitting at home playing video games for three months. So instead of ask him, hey, is there anything you're looking forward to? Or what do you think about something that's going on? So you can ask him a little bit about current events. But you want to ask, what's interesting? What are you looking forward to? What was the last year like for you?

That's a nice open-ended question without a positive direction. What was the last year like for you? Is there anything that you're looking forward to or anything that you hope will happen over the next year. And then ask follow-up questions based on that. And then you also want to pay attention and kind of give them a chance to ask you questions. But the other thing that you can do is when you ask them a question, if they give you an answer, you can sort of offer your own perspective.

Right. So if they say something like, oh, yeah, what I'm really hoping for for next year is to like get a stable job. And that's where you can empathize and you can say, bra, I know exactly what you're talking about. Right. So I was like in and out of things for about two years and finally stuff started settling down. Like I didn't know what I was doing for a while, but I feel so grateful that like it seems sorted and like I hope things work out for you too. Right.

So you can offer your own kind of perspective without them necessarily asking. So you want to steer the conversation in ways that you feel a little bit more comfortable. You can also talk about things that are like hot button issues. I think is okay. So you can ask people about politics. I know everyone's like, oh my God, don't talk about politics. Don't talk about politics at work, but with other human beings that really engages them, and it can be really fun. So here's the other cool thing about when you do something like this.

A lot of people who are antisocial are worried about how to get into the conversation. So they're like, people are talking back and forth and you're like, how do I butt in? The cool thing is when you start a conversation, you can shut up for the rest of it and everyone will perceive you as a part of the conversation. Because you got the ball rolling. You're like running the show. You're like at the head of the table. It's super cool. If you like being quiet and you don't know how to butt into conversations, what you should do is start the conversation because then it's checkmark, we're done.

It's awesome. I love it as an introvert who doesn't like talking. Okay? If you're ready to take the next step on your mental health journey, check out Dr. Kay's guide. It's an immersive resource that distills over 20 years of my experience laid out in a way that is tailored to your needs. So if you're ready to better understand your mind and take control of it, Check out the link in the description below. The last tip that we're going to give you, which is the most painful of them all,

is for you to be a social butterfly if you are antisocial. Now, this is where a lot of people get confused because they're like, wait, aren't extrovert social butterflies? Yeah, they can be, but if you're an introvert and if you're antisocial, you need to be a social butterfly for six months. And here's the reason why. If you're antisocial or introverted, chances are you are more selective with who you hang out with. Hell, the reason we're here in the first place is because you don't like hanging out with the average person, right?

So then the problem, we run into a really interesting problem when it comes to our brain and reinforcement, which is that if I don't like hanging out with the average person and I force myself to socialize with like three people, and I don't have a good time, what is my brain going to be telling me? It's going to be telling me, hey, we attempted this behavior and we got punished for it. Therefore, we are not going to reinforce the behavior. We are not going to increase our motivation towards socialization because when we tried to do it, it was painful. We're not going to do it again. So then what happens is we don't socialize for a couple months and then we get lonely and then the loneliness gets so big that we force ourselves to social.

But already at the beginning, my brain is like, oh my God, I can't believe I have to do this again, right? That's what it does. So instead, what you really need to do is be a social butterfly in why. It's not because you're trying to, you know, like make 100 friends. What you're trying to do is meet 100 people so you can find the most tolerable five human beings that you actually enjoy hanging out with. The other advantage of doing something like this

is like you're just telling yourself, okay, for six months, stuff is going to suck. I'm going to try to meet as many people as possible. And when you're trying to figure out what should I do, ask yourself, will this lead to meeting more people, right? So this can be something as simple as, but I have my only, like, I only have my group of friends. Like, how do I get them to introduce me to more people?

Anytime you have an activity with your core group friends, you can literally ask them, hey, is there anyone else that you'd like to invite? Right? So anytime you make plans or you're following up with someone, just ask them, is there anyone else that you'd like to invite? Is there anyone else that you think would enjoy what we're doing? So you're actually asking because you know five people. One of the people that you're inviting knows five more people. So even a cluster of introverts who can barely tolerate each other. If you use this technique, you will get connected to way more people. And the point of being a social butterfly is to not be a social butterfly forever. It's fucking exhausting.

It's to try to meet as many people as you can so you can select the 5% of them that you find tolerable and enjoyable. But it has to come with a period of robust social activity. And this is a little bit like a chicken or egg problem. And a good analogy of this is like, I hate going to the gym because I'm out of shape. Well, like, that's true, right? But the way to enjoy going to the gym is to start getting in shape so it's not so damn painful all the time. So there's this like early period which is a little bit of a bruiser. And in my experience really encouraging people to like socialize a ton over a brief period of time. And what you're doing is you're internally, you're not there just to like have a good time. You're there to try to figure out, okay, who out of this do I actually

want to hang out with in six months? I'm going to try to find five friends in six months that I enjoy hanging out with. And that is how you become less antisocial. The real tragedy in the world today is that everyone is becoming increasingly lonely, and also people are starting to suck more. And as a result, it's not fun to socialize. It's just not as enjoyable for us. And if we really want to fix this problem and get out of the cycle of I'm so damn lonely, let me force myself to socialize, oh my God, this was awful. I can't wait to be at home again. This cycle, we get stuck in this cycle between abject loneliness, desperation, and socialization. If we want to break this cycle, what we really need to do is have more fun in social situations.

But this isn't just like, oh, just have more fun, bro. This is where if we understand why we don't enjoy those social situations, we can actually fix those problems and you will literally start having more fun in social situations. And once you start having fun socializing, then fixing loneliness becomes way easier.