HealthyGamerGG - I'm Always Looking For Others’ Approval

Episode Date: July 27, 2022

Dr. K dives into what to do when you depend on others' approval, emotional dependence, anxiety, and "being good enough"! Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

And that's the way that you start living your life if you're paralyzed by your doubts. Hi, my name is, I mean, my Discord name is Anna Karenina, but you can call me Karen. Okay, I'm from Mexico. I'm an illustrator. Okay. And just to, I don't know if that's enough introduction. Sure. Welcome, Karen. Thank you.

Well, now about the question. Sure. About how I feel about my life. Well, I'm actually very happy with my work life. I do what I love and I'm financially stable. The problem is my personal life. I have a lot to learn and improve. I'm currently very dependent emotionally and seriously considering to ask for a clinician to diagnose me.

But I'm also very dramatic when I'm feeling anxious. So I don't know how much of it is my anxiety talking or reality, which is why I tend to mix up both quite often. I'm scared of being alone in the future because of this. My friend circle is actually small and I worry that I might push my loved ones away if they get tired of me. I did that last part because then I realized that it was also my anxiety worrying about the future because I know. I mean, my friend circle is is form of people that I trust very much and I know, I mean, they've been helping me a lot

and that's why I'm happy with my work life because my sister and my friend they really support me. But I feel like I just started trying to change and being a better person just because I depend too much on them and I just, like based my opinions on on what they say and it's like I'm always looking for someone to defend them. Defend what? I mean, sorry, to depend. Oh, I see. Okay. So when you say you're

emotionally dependent, can you help me understand what you mean by that? Yeah, I mean, for example, when I buy something, I'm always waiting to see how they react. to what I buy or to what I watch or what I say to see if it's right. I mean, if I see that they like what I buy, what I like, then I think it's right. Okay. Yeah, and I never question it. I see. And what do you think about that?

Well, I think that it's a problem because, I mean, they didn't actually try to help me with that. doing things like just asking me to to say my opinion before them but i see that i'm always like anxious waiting like it's it's it's very it's very tiring because i'm always like trying to to guess it if i don't know what they think i'm trying to guess and i never i can never be relaxed. I'm always worrying about other people what other people think. And it's very frustrating. I can imagine. It sounds like you want to be able to be comfortable in your own skin and be able to make your own choices and be confident in something because you like it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah, that sounds very tiring. I was about to ask, you know,

what's the problem with wanting other people's approval, but it sounds to, I mean, can you see other, I'll just ask anyway, you know, what's the problem with wanting other people's approval? Because you think of it as a problem, right? It's just that it's very tiring. And, okay. So let's try to understand a couple of things. One is, I think if you're, if you haven't gotten clinically evaluated, that's a great first step. And at the same time, I think that sometimes we think that getting a clinical evaluation or getting therapy will fix all of our problems. But what I really find therapy is useful for is helping us fix our own problems. Does that make sense? Yeah.

So I think it's a good idea for you to get evaluated if you're concerned about it. And this is the kind of thing where I think, like, you know, most human beings should probably at some point just get, you know, evaluated, almost because we sort of do this with physical health, where we'll screen people or we'll have annual physicals, right? We just want to make sure that everything is working okay. The interesting thing is that even though mental health is a part of our health and well-being, it's not something that we like screen for or sort of check in about on a regular basis. So I think that's a good idea. Does that make sense? yeah totally i mean um i i i think the the reason why i hadn't considered it before is a i was

worried that i might like get um like if if i get a bad psychologist that tries i mean i'm worried i worry that i might try to depend on my psychologist um yeah so it's like my yeah yeah so that's kind of tricky, right? Because it's like here you are depending on your friends. But if you get someone who's really, really good at emotionally supporting you, it's almost like more addictive. And then you're going to depend on your psychologist because they're so good at emotionally supporting you. Yeah, exactly. So in a weird way, seeing a psychologist could actually make your problem worse. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. That, you know, and then the question is, And I think, so I think there's a lot here to talk about Garan, and I'd love to try to break down a couple of things for you.

Is that okay? Yeah. Okay. So the first is, I'm so glad that you shared what your concerns are about seeing a mental health professional, because that sort of makes sense, right? If my problem is emotional dependence and my goal is emotional independence, you're like, to see someone who is a professional at helping people who are emotionally dependent may make me professionally dependent. it. That's problem number one. Yeah, totally. So problem number two is, so you're emotionally, let's say, dependent on your friends. And then you're kind of thinking like, oh, but if I like don't become independent, I'm going to burden my friends.

And then like, what if they get tired of me and like I'm not being a good friend? Right? Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah, totally. But then the question is, is that your or is that legitimate? Right? Well, yeah, that's true. It's like, I don't even know, like, if I say this is my anxiety and it's not real, then what I could end, like, but if I'm wrong, I'm just going to end up messing up all my relationships.

Yeah. But if it is my anxiety, I shouldn't give into that because that's me giving into my anxiety. And then, like, I'm looking to them for reassurance. And then that's just causing, like, that's making the problem worse. Yeah. And so that's the tricky thing, right? So even if we think about like the therapist there, it's like what's anxiety and what isn't? Because seeing a therapist, is that, you know, is that a legitimate worry or is that my anxiety?

Yeah. Because I can imagine that you maybe feel a little bit stalker paralyzed. Yeah, completely. Yeah, that sounds tough. Okay. So let's try to help you. with this, okay? Thank you. So the first thing to understand, so we're going to talk about a couple of practical things, and then we're going to talk about some more like root sort of

understanding the mind. So this, so in order for you to need reassurance from other people, well, so let me ask you this, Karen. Why do people need reassurance from other people? Well, in my case, thanks to the guide and your videos and my friends, of course, I realize that I want, I need reassurance because I always doubt what I'm doing. I never know if what I'm doing is right or wrong, and I always want to be right. I want to make sure that I don't make mistakes. Okay. So there are two important things there. The first is where did you get the idea that like where does your doubt in yourself come from? Well. So human beings usually aren't born doubting. Right. So if you think about a child, a child will like do all kinds of stupid stuff because they don't really have the capacity for doubt. Does that make sense? Yeah. Do you have a sense of when you started to like, have you started to like, have you. always been this way or did you really start to become pretty anxious and doubt yourself

at a particular time in your life? I feel like it was when I was a little child. It comes from both of my parents. I feel like in a way it was always very confusing, which was what I did was right or wrong. the rules were always changing and whenever I did something that my mother would think it was wrong she would like if it was during a conversation

for example she would like give me like a little not really hurtful but little kicks just like to tell me under the table to tell me like you know you should stop and I feel like I'm always looking for that from other people like

I didn't even know that was something that was happening to me until recently when I told my sister that I during a conversation that I thought she was trying to tell me something was wrong and she was like, oh no, I just I just have a tick. I wasn't trying to tell you anything. Yeah. And that was when I realized that something was wrong. And yeah, I feel like since then, I'm always like looking for someone to kick me under the table and tell me to stop. or do something else. So I think there are a couple of really important things. I think that's a very important story.

And Karan, I applaud you for doing the kind of internal work to make that discovery. So that makes my job really easy. You've already figured that. So let's understand a couple of other things. So you're trying to not make mistakes, right? Yeah. So what makes something right and what makes something wrong? I mean, I guess there's not really something right or wrong.

I know that I have a very black and white vision. So I guess it just depends on what I think is right or wrong. Well, so I think that's what's really confusing, is what I'm hearing is that when you grew up, you were taught that there was right and wrong. The problem is that no one ever. like told you what the rules were ahead of time. Right?

So imagine I have like a pet. And I don't tell the pet where it's allowed to use the bathroom. And then like one day it uses the bathroom and I yell at it. And then so the pet feels bad. And the next day it uses the bathroom somewhere else and like I don't yell at it. And it can never figure out the rules of the game. Yeah, for the dog. Right?

And so what I'm hearing from you is that you, you don't know ahead of time what the rules of the game are. And so the only thing in the same way that your mom used to give you kicks under the table to tell you when you screwed up, you're still looking for external people to tell you what the rules of the game are. Because you don't know what they are. Yeah, totally. Right?

And then when I ask you about it, like, what are the rules of the game? You're like, well, there aren't really rules for the game. And you're correct. And that's why it's so damn confusing. Yeah. Like if you buy a shirt and you're like, I don't know if this is a good shirt or a bad shirt and you're waiting for your friend to say, oh, that's a great shirt. Because like there's no, you know, isn't a good shirt or a bad shirt?

Like, I don't know. You don't know. Like, I don't think you can. Like, it's a shirt. Yeah. And so I think the reason it's so hard for you is because you're playing a game that can't be won. Right? You're looking for an objective right answer in a world that doesn't have.

objective right answers? And why are you doing that? It's actually because you were conditioned to do that. Like you literally, you tried to figure things out and you're sitting there and you're just talking. And then your mom is like kicking you under the table. And so your brain learned at some point that like, okay, the one thing. And so then imagine what did you start doing with your mom?

When she started kicking you under the table, you had no clue why. What do you end up doing? What's the one strategy that you can do that won't get you kicked? stop or sometimes I was just like, I'm going to be a rebel and do what I want, but I just end up doing the opposite. Good. But still feeling bad, you know? Yeah, because you want to do something, right? So that's really important.

So the winning strategy is to do nothing. Because if you don't say anything and you're paralyzed and you don't act, right, which is what an anxious person does. We're never going to take a chance. because if you never take a chance, you're never in danger. But then what is that rebel? That rebel is the part of you that wants something, right? There is actually a part of you that knows what you like, knows what you care about. And then what happened to that part?

Well, I think that part just, it's like when I get tired of just doing whether people asked me to do, well, what I think they asked me to do because they really don't ask me anything. I just assume what they want or what they think it's right. So when I get to like a boiling point, I just do whatever, just the opposite thing or just something like impulsive. Sometimes it's just like, oh, in this moment I want to buy this super expensive thing. I'm going to buy it. It's just, doesn't matter what other people think. It doesn't matter if I have doubts about buying it. It doesn't, nothing matters. I'm just going to do it and screw everything. Yeah, right? Yeah, yeah. So, Garne, let me ask. Let me ask you something. How do you keep something

from boiling over? Well, I guess I just have to turn off the heat or just like open the valve. Yeah, right? So if I'm, if I'm cooking something, let's say I'm making rice. and it's about to boil over. What do I do? Well, you, I don't know how to say that. Like, you just take the lead off. Yeah, perfect. Not to keep it.

Right? So the only way that you're a rebel, the only way that your desires can break through is to break through. You don't let them out in a small way at all. So the only way that your desires actually come out is when you get so frustrated, with feeling stock and needing people's approval that you're like, screw it.

And then all of your desires come out in probably a slightly unhealthy way. Yeah. And so I think the thing here, and I think chat has sort of figured this out already, but I think this is the kind of thing where, like, first and foremost, I think you've got to let your rebel out a little bit because you actually do know what you want. Right? Well, I don't really know. I don't really know sometimes.

Oh, yeah. you know, you just doubt yourself. Oh, well, yeah, yeah, that's right. Right? So it's not... Yeah, I would... So this is something to understand. What you want your mind knows, the question, the doubt is separate.

Okay, yeah. Right? Like, I want a slice of pizza. Should I eat a slice of pizza? The desire is still clear, though. Does that make sense? I want to slide a piece of pizza. Well, that's right, yeah.

Is it a good idea? or a bad idea, is it right or wrong to eat the slice of pizza? That's where your doubt really comes in. Because once again, you're looking for an objective right or wrong. And it's like you can kind, like, you know, is it, could you eat healthier things than pizza? Sure. But you're also like, Karen, you're doing pretty good. You've got a job that you like.

You're working on yourself. It sounds like you're working really hard. It sounds like you're spending a lot of time studying yourself and learning about yourself. And I'm kind of feeling like you deserve a slice of pizza or you deserve a nice purse from time to time. What do you think? I feel like I should say yes. But? I feel like what if I, if I'm just doing it, I think I'm starting to worry again about.

Ah, good. So keep going, keep going. Yeah, I was judging what I wanted if I deserve. Certainly not. Good. So you're on the right track, right? So here's what I want you to do. So first of all, huge props for noticing that, but what if?

Right. So can you finish the thought for us? Like, what were you thinking when I was telling you, you deserve it, Garn. You're a good person. You deserve to be happy in life. And what does your mind say? Saying you're not good enough yet to get that slice of pizza. Right?

So let, okay. I'm going to get it when you know. When you're good. Yeah. So, and what do you have to do to be good enough? How do we satisfy that part of your mind? It's never going to be satisfied. You should be teaching.

It's so frustrating because I feel like I've been told this by my friends before. And I always let my mind win. I always let the doubt just get. the better of me. And what do you think about that? Well, I think that probably is because I never pay attention to what I'm doing. I just let it win. I don't fight it.

I would, I think you fight it a lot, but, but I think this is the kind of thing where Godin, you've got to, so you've got to be careful there because That thought, right? So I've heard this a thousand times. Why am I so idiotic that I never learn? What are you doing there? You're kicking yourself under the table. Yeah, that's right. Okay, so like, I think this is where now the next thing that you can sprinkle in here is going to be a little bit of compassion. Like, it's okay to lose to your mind a lot, right? Like, it's a journey. You've come a long way. you have a long way to go, and your doubts are there for a reason. This is something very important to understand. Your doubts are actually there to protect you, right? Because what does the doubt say?

Does the doubt say, oh, you're dumb, you're stupid? No, the doubt says, if you do this, you'll wind up being hurt. You see that? If I'm too emotionally dependent on my friends, I'm going to drive them away, and then I'll be alone. So your doubt is actually trying to protect you. It's trying to look out for you. it's like a so it's not your enemy actually

right so this is where I want you to change a little bit about the way that you talk to yourself and sort of notice that you know it's like a guard dog that's trying to protect you and also not everyone who visits you is an enemy that the guard dog needs to be barking about

it does feel like that right so so yeah and that's where like you know like if you want to calm down a guard dog. If you want to teach a guard dog to trust, you don't do it by kicking the dog every time it barks. That's going to amp up its stress. You pet the dog and you're like, hey, it's okay. It's okay.

I'm worried about eating a slice of pizza. It's okay that like I'm worried that this is going to be the beginning of the end. And like, you know, there's a part of me that really wants this. So what I'm going to do, I'm going to eat a slice of pizza and I'm going to tell the guard dog to watch while I eat the slice of pizza. And I'm going to ask the guard dog at the end. was it okay that I ate the slice of pizza? I want you to talk to yourself in that way. Does that make sense?

Yeah. Because it's operating on old information. So what you have to do is give it a new experience. So get that slice of pizza, sit down, eat it. The guard dog is going to start barking and be like, hey, just let me finish the slice of pizza. And then you let me know if this is a mistake or not. That sounds great. You've really come a long way.

I'm honestly very impressed. Garan. Thank you. I mean, I didn't do this by myself. Thank you so much to you and Healthy Gamer and everyone comes on stream. I feel like I learned a lot from all of you and I'm very lucky to have my sister and my friend, which always support me and ask me, I mean, such good questions. Of course, I feel like now I'm ignoring what I'm.

I did. What? But yeah, I thank you. So let me ask you one last question, Karan. Did you help someone else today by coming on? I think I did. I mean, how does that feel? It feels great.

I hope that if anyone is listening, you're not allowed. Thank you so much for coming on. You're making me tear up. Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it. Take care. Seriously, I appreciate you. Like, I'm so, because, like, I think you did a great job of sharing with other people.

Like, I mean, I think a lot of people have the kinds of thoughts and struggles you do, which is what we're all about. So thank you very much for coming. And good luck and enjoy yourself. Thank you. Take care. Okay. So let's just summarize real quick, okay? So anxiety is, like, is super tricky.

So the problem with anxiety is sometimes we've got like social anxiety, right? And we're like, okay, if I'm emotionally dependent on my friends, like I need my friends for emotional support. And like that's okay. Like that's what friends are kind of there for. But then it's like if you become too dependent on them, you're going to drive them away. And then the problem is like, well, wait a second. Hold on. Is that my anxiety telling me that I'm going to drive them away?

So that's not like actually false. and I'm not going to drive them away. But what if that is... So if it's my anxiety, I'm going to ignore it, and I'm going to continue being emotionally dependent. But that could sabotage your relationship. And so then you have to, like, stop for a second and try to figure out, okay, wait, is that my anxiety?

So, like, should I become more emotionally independent, or is this my anxiety or what? And even in terms of, like... And so it's kind of tricky, right? Because you don't know, like, is giving into your anxiety being emotionally dependent? Or is giving into your anxiety? anxiety not being emotionally independent. It's like, I don't know. Am I supposed to be like,

conquer my anxiety and be a better friend? Or am I supposed, it's just impossible to figure out. And so that's where there are like a couple things to keep in mind. The first is understand that your doubt, essentially requiring reassurance from other people, comes from a doubt in yourself. right? So when you don't have faith in your own conclusions, your mind naturally goes to someone else. That's the only way it works. The tricky thing is if you're plagued with this cycle of doubt in yourself, chances are that cycle of doubt was instilled in you. And what we heard today was that there's essentially like a set of experiences where like our brain doesn't know what the rules are. Anytime a child grows up in a situation where the rules keep changing, they can't

figure out what's right and wrong. And if you can't figure out what's right and wrong, you can't act with confidence because are you doing the right thing or are you doing the wrong thing? If you know you're doing the right thing, then you can act with confidence. And so we sort of carry this thing with us, and it's trying to protect us. And what it does is it keeps us from acting. It paralyzes us. Why does it paralyze us? Because if we do something, What if it's a mistake? Best thing to do is nothing. Because inaction is safety.

And then we start to feel very paralyzed and stuck in our life. So if you want to get through this, Godin illustrated this beautifully, you know, first thing is you've got to understand where did your doubt in yourself, where was that born? And recognize that that doubt becomes actually like a guard dog that's trying to protect you. At the same time, just because a dog grew up in a really dangerous neighborhood and barks at everything that goes by, the dog learned the right lessons for that situation. But as we grow up, as we change neighborhoods, as our life evolves and grows, the rules of the past don't necessarily translate to the present. And so then what we've got to do is be very careful on a moment-to-moment basis of paying attention to that dog and learning how to kind of kind of calm it down, right? It's not beating it up because eventually what happens is sometimes we even cage the dog and we keep it far, far away. And then we sort of have this explosion and we act very rashly

because we're so tired, we're so fed up of being inactive and being unable to move. We get so frustrated with ourselves for feeling stuck that we get this burst of like uncontrolled motivation. And we make really rash decisions that cause us problems. And when they cause problems, by the way, what does the dog say? The dog says, I told you so, you shouldn't have acted at all. I tried to keep you for making this mistake. The solution is don't act, don't act, don't act. I told you so, I told you so. And then it tells you again and again and again, you stay stuck, you stay stuck, you stay stuck. It builds up, builds up, builds up, explosion, and then the cycle repeats itself. So notice that doubt. And the key thing here is that if you get an overflow of like emotion that leads to some kind of rash action,

The key thing there is you've got to vent that out a little bit at a time. You've got to figure out, okay, like, you actually know what you want. You just doubt that it's the right thing. And so the way to move forward is to acknowledge that there's a doubt. And to move, take a tiny step forward. What can your doubt tolerate? What can the guard dog handle? You know, it can handle a little bit.

It's like watching very closely, but we can start with something simple. Like, okay, I'm going to eat the slice of. a pizza, let's see how I feel about myself. Ask the guard dog. Talk to yourself because it's actually looking out for you. It's not your enemy. It's a survival mechanism. And as you start to take these little steps, as you look at the root of where you started

to doubt yourself, as you start to look at the way that your mind works, hopefully you can start to take steps forward. You can start to rehabilitate the dog. Rehabilitate that part of your mind that's terrified that you're going to make a mistake. Because at the end of the day, whether you have a slice of pizza today or not, like, Unless you're like lactose intolerant or, you know, gluten intolerant or something like that, you can have a slice of pizza. Like, it's not going to be the end of the world. And that's the way that you start living your life if you're paralyzed by your doubts.