HealthyGamerGG - I’m Not Masculine Enough

Episode Date: July 16, 2022

Today Dr. K talks about masculinity, delving into how lack of experience, generalizations, and confidence can affect your perceptions and actions! Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Stop caring what other people think. There's the predators and the prey, and I'm going to be a predator and you're going to be a prey. No, like, I hate to break it to you, but predators and prey like that happens in the serengeti. Not in human society. I don't see any masculinity within myself. I, 20M, have never really talked to women at all in high school. So I've been trying to put myself out there by getting on dating apps and transferring schools to be around more women. I've been looking into self-improvement through working out and reading more books like atomic habits. I recently started reading models by Mark Manson, and it's an interesting read, but reading about what women are most attracted to makes me really wonder if I have any of those traits. I never really had a great father figure growing up. My dad is chronically depressed, has no friends, and has been unemployed for several years now. He's one of the most sensitive people I know in my life and is the polar opposite of what I see in a man.

He would get emotional about the most minute criticisms and get overly anxious for the smallest things like trying to talk to strangers, or if I accidentally injure myself like getting a small cut or bruise. For the longest time, he was even scared of me learning how to cook in fear of me possibly injuring myself. My mom always told me I have a lot of traits similar to my dad when it comes to anxiety and sensitivity, and I honestly never saw that as a problem until I started getting into self-improvement and dating. overall, my parents really cared a lot about sharing my emotions, which really helped me a lot with some of my depressive episodes, but I can't really see how those traits are attractive at all to women. Manson describes the ideal man as someone who is confident and doesn't care about what other people think. For as long as I can remember, I've always deeply cared about what others thought of me and would typically get very emotional if someone disagreed with me over the slightest topics like liking a certain video game or TV show. I've also been more prone to depression as I've had several episodes, including one where I had to be homeschooled for all of sixth grade. That sounds rough, dude.

I've never had any confidence in myself, and I've always been more emotional than other guys, and I have no clue how anyone will find that attractive. It doesn't help that I've been either skinny or fat my entire life, and it's been so hard to gain muscle recently due to some health problems I've been having lately. I've never had any athletic hobbies and I'm interested in a bunch of nerdy stuff and also studying computer engineering. Everything I see within myself is antithetical to what women value most in a strong, bold, confident man. I'm just an overly emotional nerd with little self-esteem to support myself and according to every successful Chad out there, I'm a beta virgin loser who will never score with anyone. So this is tough. because sometimes we grow up and we start, we have a lack of experience, right?

So, like, we're concerned. We're 20 years old. This is going to be sort of male focused. We're 20 years old. We have no experience like talking to girls or dating or things like that. We've got no positive role models, right? Because dad is depressed, unemployed, is overly emotionally sensitive. we don't like really know what to do with ourselves.

So enter self-improvement. So we start to read books and we find answers. So books written by Mark Manson, right? And so like, you know, he wrote the subtle art of not giving an F. This guy knows what he's talking about. He's New York Times bestselling author and whatnot. Right? And then Mark Manson says, these are the answers.

You have to be confident. You have to not care what other people think. This is what it takes to, this is the truth. He is the speaker of truth. truth. This is what women want. And then you don't have those things. And so what does that mean for you? Right? So like if you kind of fall into this bucket, like you're kind of like, okay, so like I got dealt a kind of crappy hand with no role models. I missed the boat on certain like clinical critical experiences. Like I didn't grow up learning how to talk to the opposite

sex. Right. And then I started like reading stuff. And the more I read stuff, the more I realized, how screwed I am. And then what happens is we start to get this like creeping fear that like we're doomed to failure. Right. And then sometimes you're just like, I'm screwed. It's G.G. It's over.

So the more that we educate ourselves, the more we realize how screwed we are. And so I'm like, what do you do about this? Like if you're not masculine enough and like you don't know how to relate to other people, like, what do you do in this situation? Right? And then what happens is as you find the answers, like as you read these books, like people give you answers.

You know, I don't know if you all caught our last stream where we talked about basically the model that these people use is by breeding insecurity. Because the more insecure they make you feel and the more that they say, by the way, I have the answer. Here it is. Right?

Use my course or buy the essential manly Chad secrets for 5999. Three easy payments. That's their model. But as you read this stuff, like Mark Manson's like a pretty reputable dude, right? I don't know, I haven't read this book, so I don't know how well he cites what women want, and we'll get to that in a second. But he tells you, here are the answers.

And this is the common answer, this is the most common answer that we tend to see. As someone who is confident and doesn't care about what other people think. And then here you are, you've always. cared about what other people thought. You've cared too much about what other people thought. And that sort of makes sense, right? Because if you're someone who's been socially anxious and has been always concerned about what people think, and the one thing that you wish you could change about your life, you could change one thing, it's that stupid voice in your head that's like, oh my God, what are they going to think? What are they going to think? What are they going to think?

Because that voice paralyzes you. It keeps you from going to parties. Even if you go to parties, you're not able to enjoy yourself, even if you go to parties and who cares about enjoyment, but you can't seem competent to other people because you're so stuck in your head. And the social anxiety gets the better of you. And then they see the social anxiety.

And the whole thing gets worse and it all kind of falls apart. And so they say, oh, stop caring what other people think. And then you stop caring what other people think. And then you know what you become? Do you become confident? Maybe.

Chances are if you stop caring what other people think, what you'll really become is an asshole. because that's what people become if they stop caring what other people think. But that's the thing, right? Is you want to get rid of that because that thing like just tortures your life.

So you're screwed. You need to get rid of it. I need to become calloused because my anxiety controls me so much. My emotions control me so much. What's the only solution to numb myself and become calloused? And look, Mark Manson said it too.

So it must be And all these like alphas say like, yeah, like stop caring what other people think. There's the predators and the prey and I'm going to be a predator and you're going to be a prey. No, like I hate to break it to you. But predators and prey like that happens in the serengeti, not in human society. Right? Like I don't think so anyway. I think most of like most of human society is like honestly it's like PVE co-op.

Like most human beings try to help each other. and like we kind of get along and we form friendships and we form connections right predators and I don't think so I'm not saying I'm 100% objectively correct in that I think that there's a lot of scientific evidence that shows that human society is communal and altruistic for the most part right like I think we can sort of safely assume that but that's the tricky thing is that you're controlled by all this negativity and so then people come along and say hey be confident become callous become numb stop caring what other people think. And it seems like such a relief to you, right?

Because those are the thoughts that torture you. So what do you do if you're kind of in this situation? If you're like too emotional, not manly enough, like don't have a good role model, missed out on some key experiences. So now you're like 20 and it's like too late. And then like these self-help books seem to be helping, but they also like kind of make you feel a little bit. I'm kind of screwed. So we're going to talk.

I'm going to give you all kind of five things to work on in terms of like building confidence and tackling this issue of self-esteem and like how to get there, and especially as it sort of relates to dating. Okay. So this is going to be sort of a heteronormative masculine approach, but we'll touch on variations, hopefully at the end a little bit. So the first thing that y'all got to do is be careful about generalizations. Be very, very careful about generalizations.

Let's start with this idea of masculinity. What does it mean to be masculine enough? Right? So am I masculine enough? I don't know. What do you think? What makes me masculine enough? Is it facial hair?

Because I don't have facial hair. Or like facial hair is masculine. So I don't have facial hair. Do people about facial hair like, are they masculine enough? Is it the ability to change attire? I can change a tire. I can grill. Do those things make me masculine?

Are there masculine people who don't know how to grill? But there are some people who don't know how to grill? But there are some people who are like non-binary or women and they know how to grill. Does that make them masculine? Is it physical fitness that makes people masculine? Is the Dalai Lama masculine enough? Like, I don't know. Like, can he get laid?

Like, who knows? It's like who, like what, this idea of masculinity. I'm not an expert in this stuff, okay? But it's like, it's an idea. Right? Like, so who is masculine enough? You know who's masculine enough? James Bond.

That's about as masculine as you can get. And newsflash, James Bond is a fictional character. Doesn't actually exist. So our standard of masculinity is fictional. So this is what I want you to do. Go out, the next time you go out in public, go to the grocery store. Look around at all of the men.

And then, like, as you see men, you'll see some of them are in relationships, and some of them have children. And then look at how masculine, the men who have kids are. And you'll see that there's a wide range of baldness and, you know, dad guts and, like, you know, dad bods and facial hair. And, like, some of them are going to, like, have weak jaw lines and, like, it's like a whole mishmash of stuff. You can also apply this if you're a woman in this sort of situation.

You don't think you're girly enough or feminine enough, right? Like, there's all kinds of women out there. So, like, be careful about that generalization. is now what you're doing is you're living up to a fiction. You're striving for something. It's like, how do you know if you're masculine enough? Like, what does that mean to be masculine enough? Like, how do you measure it?

How are you going to know? It's a feeling. We'll get to where it comes from in a second. You'll get that? It's like not a real thing. It's a feeling. The feeling is real. But there's no, like, masculometer, right?

That measures your masculinity. If it's above 7.5, it's whatever. So it's like, I'm not saying there's nothing to the idea of masculinity, but what I'm saying is when it comes to your personal and very real life, aspiring to a fictional ideal is not something that you want to do without thinking about it critically. So I'm not saying that you also can't aspire to be certain things that James Bond is, which is fine, but just be critical about what's the measure that you're going for. Like, what does it mean to be masculine enough? I don't know. do you it's like okay so let me tell you if you're watching this video and this resonates with you chances are you don't know what it means to be masculine enough all you really know is that you're not

it you'll get that that's all you know you don't know what it means to reach the top of the mountain all you know is that there's a long way to go so it's a it's a feeling that's born of an absence of a lack of something you'll get that okay, if this video resonant, I'm not, I'm saying the feeling is probably what you have, okay? I think you're plenty of masculine for the record. Second thing, this is really important. So there's a group of women in our discord, or women in non-binary people who recently put together a document that was in draft format.

I don't know if I was supposed to read it or not, but someone sent it to me. I read it there was a lot of really great stuff in there. So I'm going to comment on one thing because I think there's a great point to remember. So this concept. of what women want, okay? Reading about what women are most attracted to, it makes me wonder if I have those traits. So here's the thing that I want y'all to think about.

What women want, it's not like women are like one group of people with a uniform preference for what they want. Do you'll get that? Like, is that clear to people? Because oftentimes when we talk about these kinds of issues, and especially there's people like in the manosphere who sort of talk about they're like women want this, women want this.

Like women are people. They're just people. And they want different things. Just like you want different things. Like not all men want the same thing. Not all women want the same thing. Like humans want individual things. They have individual preferences.

Some women will like guys with tattoos. Some women will never date a dude with a tattoo. Does a tattoo make you masculine? people will disagree on that. These are all generalizations. And trying to live your life by a generalization is generally speaking a bad idea. So, like, people want different stuff. So you're not screwed because newsflash, people want different stuff.

Some people like, and so it sounds like this person, for example, overall, my parents really cared a lot about sharing my emotions, which really helped me a lot with some of my depressive episodes. But I can't really see how those traits are attractive at all to women. So, some of the women that are. I've talked to when they're talking about what's the most important thing in a partner, they've told me, I want a man who's emotionally available, heterosexual women. They happen to be.

And so what does that mean? Right? So this person sounds like they would be emotionally available because what they did get good role modeling on is how to be emotionally supportive to someone who's struggling. So there are a lot of people that I know that would really value this. Men or women both. Non-binary two. whatever. This is a valuable skill. My point is that, like, if you're trying to figure out, you know, how to sort out your dating stuff and how to figure out confidence and all this kind of crap,

start by, like, not generalizing, right? Because it's just, I don't know how do you make all women happy. I have enough trouble making a single woman happy. And I understand all of her preferences. And, like, that's a challenge. One that I, appreciate on a daily basis. Right? But like, I don't know how you're going to attract women. Like, they're not like Pokemon, right? It's not like, oh, this, this Pokemon likes orenberries.

And it's like, yeah, any Pokemon you see in the world, you can throw an orange berry and they'll be attracted to it. Human beings are not like that. You get that? Like, we get that because we don't think that way oftentimes, like in these circles and in these communities. And when our mind gets this way, we sort of think in generalizations. So step number one is stop generalizing because human beings have individual preferences.

And that's good because it gives you hope, right? Because you're not screwed. Because the idea that you're screwed is based on this generalization of like, I'm not masculine enough. Women want this, this, and this. Okay. Because once again, go to the grocery store and look who's got kids. A lot of the people who have kids are not going to be the Mark Manson ideal. I don't even know what the Markman's an ideal is.

All kind of people have kids. All kind of people are in relationships. Okay, that's number one. Don't generalize. Okay. Point number two to understand if you're in this situation. You are not doomed by your parents. So a lot of times people who really struggle to find relationships grow up in situations where they don't have proper role models.

Or what they view is proper role models, right? Case in point. So we saw that in this post where the person was like, my dad is everything that is the antithesis of what I consider to be a man. And it's like, wow, dude, that's rough. Okay. Some issues there, but let's just accept it at face value. And just because your dad is a certain way doesn't mean you're going to be that way. So this is where, like, this is something I want you all to understand. If you were dealt a hand in life that gives you poor opportunities going forward, like if you, if you don't have, you know, a lot of inborn good role modeling and stuff like that, that just means that,

you need to be patient with yourself. Because what I see from this person is that they think about it critically. They're reaching out from help. They're reading atomic habits. They're moving from one college to another. They're transferring schools so that they can practice their social skills. All of these kinds of things. So basically, if you think about your role models, that's you were born with.

That's your karma. You don't get to choose that. It's your starting zone. It's your spawn point. So if you get a good spawning, on point, you can build up pretty quick. So maybe by the time you're 20 years old, if you've got really good role models and stuff like that,

you had your first girlfriend when you were 15, second girlfriend when you were 17, and by 20, you're really comfortable with relationships. If you had the right starting point. Or you had a starting point like mine, which is no girls, no talking, no parties, no going to dances, none of that.

You should do studies. Right? If you're from like the South Asian diaspora and you're a first generation immigrant in the U.S. or UK or parts of Europe, Canada, whatever, it's like no dating, no dating, no dating. Why aren't you married yet? Why don't you have kids? What the hell is wrong with you? It's like you turn 25 or you turn 26. It's getting close. Why aren't you married? So you got to be patient with yourself. Because here's the thing. Even if you didn't have it when you spawned, you can absolutely get it. Right. So if it's like if you're playing civilization and you spawn somewhere and there's no good place to start a city, you got to move. until you find some floodplains. You feel me, bro? And so, like, here's the thing. Like, someone else who spawn next to the floodplains gets to start their city on turn one. Epic start.

I have to move around for 12 turns. And I start my city on turn 12. That feels bad, man. You don't get that? So be patient with yourself. Just because you weren't gifted these kinds of advantages by your parents does not mean you're screwed forever.

It just means you can't follow the timeline of someone who started this city on turn one. So you can't compare yourself to someone who's like had three relationships by the age of 20 because like you weren't given that opportunity. So you're just starting late. It's okay. It's not over forever. In fact, catching up is actually way easier than you think. It's similar to this mechanic they have in sieve where if you're the first sieve that researchers attack, right? All the subsequent sieves have a bonus to research that tech.

It's kind of how it works. Catching up is actually takes less time than being at the front of the pack. And if you're doing this stuff like reading books about it and thinking about it and working on it and all that kind of stuff, then you'll catch up real quick. Don't worry. But be patient with yourself. Okay. If you think you're doomed because of your spawn point, your parents, be patient with yourself. Point number two.

Point number three, this is really important. So when we start to objectify the people that we date and we start to think that they have, you have uniform preferences. Right? So if you're a woman and you're heterosexual and you're attracted to men, and you're like, all men want this. And if you're a dude and you're attracted to women, you're heterosexual, you're like, all women want this.

And if you're homosexual and you think the same thing, all men or women want this. Like that, it's not true. So then the problem is that we've got to be careful because then a lot of what we try to do is impress the opposite sex, right? oh, if all women want this, then I have to become this if I ever want to be in a relationship. So you put on your chameleon skin and you change color. And you try to impress women. You try to become that which they want.

And that's like, it's kind of weird because you're almost assuming that there's like a, it's like logic where it's like, if I do A, B, and C, the women will come. and there may be a certain truth to that. Like, I don't think so for the most part. There may be parts of that that have some amount of scientific support, right, in terms of we're going to get to that in second. But in essence, what I would say is don't try to impress others. Try to impress yourself. So when people say, work on yourself, like, this is where, like, I don't think you should go to the gym necessarily to make yourself attractive to more women.

I would say, like, if I look at this sentence, here's what I see. it doesn't help that I've been either skinny or fat my entire life, and it's so hard to gain muscle. So I think the biggest reason that you should go to the gym is because you're not okay with the way that you look. Do you all get that? Like, sure, women may find men who are in shape more attractive. Like, we can sort of do that. I'm sure if we polled a bunch of women, there may be research on this. So there may be some amount of truth to that.

I'm not disputing that. But I'm saying that you shouldn't do something in order to make yourself attracted and more women. You should do something for yourself. Does that make sense? Like, this is how you develop confidence. This is important to understand. Because when I do something, if I go to the gym to impress a girl, let's say, and then she, and then I go to the gym for a year, and I get buff, and then I ask her out, and she says,

no, what happens to my confidence? So I put all this investment for this one particular outcome, and once she says, no, what do I stop doing? I stop going to the gym. And I lose confidence. Like, what the hell, man? Do things that impress you. If you are unsatisfied with the way that you look, do something about it.

If you are unsatisfied with your social skills, do something about it. If you are unsatisfied with your professional life, do something about it. If you are unsatisfied with your emotional well-being and your emotional state and how sensitive you are and how much your emotions control your behaviors and thoughts, do something about it. But do it for yourself. Will that generally speaking, make you more attractive to the people that you want to date? Probably. But don't do it for them.

Do it for you. Because this is really important to understand. Like the value here, and this is where like when I sort of think about where successful relationships come from, I think about people who sort of like are the best version of themselves. And what you do is you put that on display. You don't try to get someone to like you. Right? So that also has a subtle point of like removing their choice from the equation. Does that make sense? Like that person gets to decide if they want to date you or not.

It's not like you can do a bunch of stuff and then they'll magically like you'll be able to shape their thoughts. Like that's, it's not what you should try to do anyway. Like you should be what you are and then put yourself on display. Offer whatever you can to other. people. And polish it, by all means, right? So, like, if I'm selling apples, like, I'm going to make sure that I wipe down the apples

and make them clean and I'll set them up nicely and stuff like that. So by all means, like, advertise, but be what you are, right? And focus on, on, first of all, like, impressing yourself. So if there's some kind of deficiency that you've got that you're not happy with, you should work on that, 100%. And that's what it means to work on yourself. right? And this is not where like, it's not like working on yourself will magically like make a woman appear and then it's like, boom, girlfriend. Right. Working on yourself is for yourself. And then like as you become confident, hopefully you'll end up being more attractive to women or you will allow yourself to be put on display instead of so stuck in your head or whatever. And then other people will be attracted to you.

But it's kind of weird because it's one of these things where it's like the goal that you're looking for is not the goal that you should work for. You should kind of change your goal to be really focused on yourself. And that's why. Like if you're unhappy with yourself, do something about it for you. And learn self-love. And once you like understand self-love and like you know how to do it, you can show other people how to do it too. Does that make sense? People with me?

So don't try to impress. other people like try to impress yourself be happy with the person that you are and work towards being happy with the person that you are next thing that we got to talk about is confidence so this is important to understand confidence oftentimes people think that confidence comes from success so if all you've had is success you don't wind up with confidence what you wind up with is either ego or more commonly imposter syndrome. So I've seen this a lot. Confidence actually comes from surviving failure, right?

So just think about that for a second. Because confidence actually comes from adversity, not from successes. Right? So like, does confidence come from an easy life? Like, you can sort of get false confidence from an easy life. But real confidence, real belief in yourself comes from surviving failure. not succeeding. And it's as simple as this.

I don't know if you all have ever seen a kid learning how to walk. But like, you know, when a kid is learning how to walk or learning how to swim, so like I've seen this a lot in terms of, you know, like teaching kids out of swim. They're terrified of water, as they should be. That's like a biological fear because water is a dangerous place. Human beings are not born with the natural ability to swim like many animals, like a fish, right? Fish aren't afraid of water. So confidence comes from like.

you know, being put in the water and then the kid is like, ah, and then they survive. And they're like, oh, actually, this is pretty cool. Let's do it. So in terms of dating and stuff like that, confidence and dating comes from actually surviving rejection, right? Or like facing challenges, dealing with challenges. It's not from like having a, you know, a problem-free relationship. It's all from like being able to recognize that if I have a problem in a relationship, conflict resolution. Once I become confident in conflict resolution, then I will be confident in a relationship. Right?

So this is where, like, from a game analogy-wise, like, confidence is not an evasion tank. It's a healer. Which one's more reliable? Like, I can evasion a tank. Yeah, I've got 90% evasion. But it's a one-hit K-O. Like, that ain't how you get confident. Confident is a bunch of armor and a healer behind you who's dedicated.

You're going to hold agro. You're going to take damage. you know that healer is there. So this is where, like, a lot of people don't realize that when they feel like they don't have any confidence, it's actually being built within you. This is what confidence looks like. Why am I confident in myself? Because I failed.

One biggest lessons I learned. I failed so much and for so many years. Got rejected from medical school 120 times for one acceptance. And then when I started, I was like, ain't no one going to take this away. I don't care. Surgeons can be assholes to me. Not a problem. I have to survive this rotation for three months.

I have to deal with this narcissistic ass for three months. And then I never have to talk to this person again. Meanwhile, many of my colleagues who were, you know, awesome people. they just never done, they never really failed, right? Because most kids in med school have never really failed. They're like 4.0s, straight A's all the time, top of their class. And then suddenly, this is one of the cruelest things, one of my friends went to Harvard Law School. And I asked him, how are you enjoying your, you know, how's your first year?

And he's like, it's kind of rough. And I was like, oh, really, I'm so surprised. Like, why is that? And he said, one of the cruelest things you can do to a group of people who have been the best their entire life, is to suddenly make them average. I was like, damn. Brilliant guy. So confidence comes from surviving fear.

The last thing that we're going to talk about is I would ask yourself a question. And this is going to run to the crux of why this is so hard for people. So I can say, be confident, work on yourself, all this advice that people have heard time and time and time again. And some of y'all do it. You try it.

Right? You're like, okay, I'm a work on myself. I'm a focus on myself. I'm going to be confident. And you do it and you do it, you do it. And it doesn't work and it doesn't work and it doesn't work. And then you're like, I don't understand. I'm doing everything right and it's not working. And the more resentful you become, the more you go to like the darker sides of like the internet and perceptions around gender dynamics and all that kind of stuff. Is the resentment builds up? Is the frustration builds up? You go into the dark side. You become a Sith. You leave the light behind. avoid that, you need to do one thing, and this is the hardest thing to do. It's the thing that I've never heard anyone say. So this is important. You need to ask yourself one question. If I improve in this dimension, will I feel proud of myself? Can I take pride in the way that I move forward? So I want to give you all an example. You guys want to understand this? We're going to show it to you real quick. Do you think this person is proud of themselves? This person has never talked to women They're getting on dating acts. They're transferring schools.

They're reading atomic habits. They're reading this. Does this person have things to be proud of? Do they feel proud of themselves? Of course not. Do they have things to be proud of? 100%. Look at this.

This is fantastic. They're making geographical changes in their life to correct for a lack of experience they had in the first 20 years of their life. Do you think this person feels proud of themselves? Of course not. turns out the person is emotionally available and knows how to support people who are struggling. Like, that's good. Never had athletic hobbies interested in nerdy stuff.

Are they proud of this? No. Studying computer engineering, maybe they're good at it. Maybe they're really like it. Maybe they're going to be making plenty of money a few years from now. So if you actually improved, could you be proud of yourself? And if the answer to that question is no, that's a huge problem. because that question being no is the crux of why you can't be confident in yourself.

Do you all understand that? Does that make sense? Because even the progress that you make, the very things that are supposed to make you confident don't make you confident. That's devastating. So as you go trying and trying and trying because everyone's like, oh my God, like do all this stuff, you'll be confident, you'll be confident, you'll be confident. And it never comes. and now you feel more resentful because you've made so many sacrifices. I moved, I did this, I did this, I read this book, I did all these things.

I'm working so hard and none of it is working. And that's because you're looking at the outside. You're not looking at what in here prevents you from being proud of yourself. So ask yourself this question, if I went to the gym for a week, could I be proud of myself? Because think about this, right? If you ask yourself that question, of course the answer is yes. Like, of course you should be proud of yourself. And then people go to the gym for a week and how do they feel about themselves?

Tired, ashamed. Oh my God, I'm so out of shape. And now we see the crux of the problem, which is the very medicine that you take makes you nauseous and vomit. And then what are you supposed to do? You have to be able to take pride in your actions. regardless of the result. You've got to be able to say to yourself,

you know what? Like, even though I'm out of shape, I went three days this week. That's something I can be proud of. Because here's the thing. The success, the confidence, use whatever generally positive word you want. That comes from doing the stuff.

But as long as your mind isn't able to see it, like you're going to be screwed because the very thing that you need is making you nauseous. The medicine is the sickness. And when medicine starts making you sick, you're screwed. That's where you've really got to tunnel down. You've got to ask yourself, why the hell not?

What is it about me? Like, why can't I take pride in this? You've got to get to the bottom of that. Because what you're going to find is it's a feeling that keeps you from doing it. There's a roadblock to you building confidence. Everyone will give you, myself included, a thousand techniques to build confidence. But no one will ever say this is what gets in the way, right? Even if you do all the right things.

It's the internal work that's the most important. So you've got to ask yourself, if I do this thing, will I be able to take pride in myself? If the answer is why the hell not, that's what you've got to start with.