HealthyGamerGG - I’m Scared to Chase my Dreams

Episode Date: April 26, 2022

Today Dr.K talks about how to chase the job that is right for you and preparing for that journey! Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

How are you supposed to know at the beginning of life? What's going to make you happy? You can't know that, right? Like, people can tell you, your parents will tell you, oh, do this, study architecture, go to medical school. It'll give you a stable job. Do this. It'll make you happy.

But like, how the hell do they know? Like, you don't even know. How are they supposed to know? How is anyone supposed to know? I'm afraid to work towards the career, I feel is right for me. Hello, Healthy Gamer Community. And thank you for all who made this possible from Dr. K to all the mods. I truly appreciate this existence.

you're welcome. Strong work mod, strong work community, right? So my problem as the title suggests, is career-related. I 25M have been struggling lately to find motivation to work towards my goals. I have rediscovered through inner work that my passion is storytelling, which has been the same during my childhood years. The mediums of storytelling that I enjoy the most are drawing, music, and speaking, rediscovered in the same way in the last five years. So it's pretty straightforward. right? Start telling stories with the help of those mediums and in time success will come. I'm afraid to do it. For the past six years, I've studied architecture and I'm about to finish getting my degree in a couple of months, hopefully. I'm behind with my project and feel envious when I see my colleagues who are doing a way better job, some of which seem passionate about their work.

I've enjoyed working in this field for short amounts of time, especially when I was guided and helped by a kind teacher or friend. But overall, I gave it a chance and it's not going to work for the long run. I've worked in a couple of offices to understand what it's all about, and I don't want to do that for the rest of my life. I wanted a safety net to be able to work somewhere nice if I don't succeed with my passion, but this makes me feel like I've wasted the last six years of life. This feeling was present from the third year of university, but now it has really accentuated. I know it is my karma and I should accept it, and from time to time I feel like, it was all necessary to get me to realize what my passion is,

but it gets difficult to feel that way anymore. Last year, I've moved on my own with the help of my parents and by making some money working in the offices I've mentioned. I love it and I'm afraid of losing this by pursuing my passion. That's why I want to get hired into architecture to make money to continue living here. At the same time, I fear that by working a full-time job, in a field I'm not passionate about,

my energy will quickly be drained, and I will never be able to change careers. I've thought about animation, art, streams, characters, design, and I've been doing some work in those directions, but it feels tiring when I think about the future. I'm afraid of losing more time. What should I do next? Finish uni, start working and try to fit my passion in. Finish uni, but work only on my passion for however long I can

until I make money off of it. I feel stuck. P.S. thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading this. I still have hope that it will all work out in time, but I have no idea how, and this lack of clarity is driving me crazy. So this is a, this post really captures, I think, a really common problem that people face, right? Which is that, like, we've got this idea of a career, and then we've got this idea of a passion. And we really struggle because, like, we invest time in this career, right? Because it provides safety.

It provides money. It provides a nice place to live. Sort of a nice lifestyle, right? So maybe we have to sacrifice a lot of our, you know, we work heavily. And then we have this thing that excites us and is our passion. And what tends to happen is like a lot of times when we're kind of young in our 20s, we kind of see this fork in the road. And it's like, should I choose my career or should I choose my passion? And we're really stuck because a lot of times at this point, we've already invested so much, right? So I've wasted six years. Or I've sped some. six years of my life studying architecture. And if I quit it, then that six years becomes a waste. And so then we're kind of like at this fork in the road, and what we're really trying to do is

like live a life without regrets. We're like, which choice can I make that I won't regret in the future, right? Do I do I go the, do I pursue my passion? And if I pursue my passion, I work at it, eventually, hopefully I'll become successful. Is that the right move? or do I work on the passion on the side and kind of commit to my job and sort of enjoy my life? Is that the right move? Or do I go down this road of like working and then realize that it's so exhausting because I'm not passionate about it?

And then I don't have enough energy to work on my passion. So then I can't sort of transition because some people will say take the job and then work on your passion on the side as that grows, then scale back on your job, do more of your passion. But what if I don't have the energy? So it's like a lot of what-ifs, right? And the cost of any of these choices is really high, because we've already potentially wasted six years. And so it's like really, really common for people to get into this situation. And I think the big irony here is we'll kind of get into is that it's the fear of not making a mistake that actually creates regret in your life. It's super paradoxical.

But we try not to make a mistake. Why? Because we don't want to live with regrets. And the irony is that it's our avoidance of making mistakes that causes us to live with regret. Right? So I know it sounds kind of weird, but let's kind of tunnel down into this. Okay. First, I want you all to notice a couple of like temporal things. So the other thing that I want to kind of point out, this is sort of like an interest, it's a tangent, but I don't know how useful this is. But a lot of times we look at this problem in isolation. But what I want you all to notice is that when our mind reaches these points, there may be particular factors that are contributing to this. And we think we're making a cosmic choice. Should I follow my passion

or should I stick with my job? But there are a lot of temporary factors which are making us like reach this crisis. So the first is that as we kind of point out, like, I'm behind with my project and feel envious when I see my work, my colleagues who are doing way better at my job, some of which seem passionate about their work. So what influence do you think this state of mind has on this person? It brings this crisis to the surface. If they were doing a way better job or if their colleagues were doing way worse, they may actually be way more content. I have enjoyed working in the field for a short amount of time, especially when I was guided and helped by a kind teacher or friend, right? So they've also found things that make them enjoy the field,

but it sounds like that's not really present right now. So we think about these problems as like they're cosmic in nature, right? Like should I pick my passion or should I pick my career? But the truth of the matter is that the nature of our contentment with our career versus passion problem has temporary influences that will like cause this crisis to come to the surface. And part of our solution may be in dealing with these two things, right? Does that kind of make sense? Like, if we learn how to better not be intimidated by our colleagues or, like, feel envious of their work, if we do some of that internal work, it may create some degree of more satisfaction. As the satisfaction of our career goes up, the choice between passion and career becomes a little bit less important, right? Because now I'm

enjoying myself at work. I'm doing a good job. I'm getting positive praise. I'm making money. So it's like not that big of a deal. Cultivating the right kind of microscopic environment at work is also really, really good. So maybe this person would be a lot happier with architecture if they found the right place where the work was collaborative, where they had mentorship, and they could kind of enjoy it more. You know, there's all kinds of like different, you know, things going on. So my point is that sometimes when people ask these questions, like they ask in such a general way, should I pick my career or should I pick my passion? But what I want you, all do appreciate is that there are individual circumstances that kind of contribute to this question

being asked at this point. So the first thing that I'd say if you're struggling with this is why are you asking this now? Right. What's making this an important question? Why do you have to answer it now? And this is where the instinctual response will be, well, now I'm at a transition point. I've invested six years. I need to know now whether I want to commit to this field or not. Well, you could have like made that choice at five years of study. You could have made that choice at four years of study. you could have made that choice at three years of study. So there's always this sense that we need to make this big commitment now. And that sort of comes back to this idea of like we don't want to live our life

with regrets, right? We don't want to make a mistake. So let's talk about that for a second. So we have this idea. I don't know like where this exactly comes from. that the way to be successful is to like choose our passion, right? And like we have this sort of mythologized kind of idea that some people like make their passion work and that's what I have to kind of do.

And then we sort of have this idea that like if I really like look at this question, what I really see is like a fear of regret. So what I'm hearing in this person's mind, what's if we kind of go back to this for a second, what I'm kind of hearing here is that, you know, I have no idea how in this. this lack of clarity is driving me crazy, right? So what drives people crazy? It's like not knowing what to do. And then that begs the question. It's kind of a weird question that very few people ask is, why do you have to know what to do? Right? Well, that way I don't make mistakes. Okay. So like, what's your understanding of like how you develop a career, how you develop a path? Like,

how does this stuff work? Because in my experience, it's not like this straight road. We have this idea that, like, you, you know, you find something, like you discover your passion, you like decide. So I see this a lot, you know, being faculty in the field of medicine, right? So that's, and so we see a lot of try hard premed kids, right? They're like 14 years old and they're like, yeah, I'm going to be a doctor when I grow up. And they like, lock that in, right? It's like, are you sure? Final answer? And then the premeds are like, yes. They're not even in college yet. They start telling people I'm going to be a doctor. Then they pick their major, right? Locking it in further. Then they go to medical school, locking it in further. I'm going to be a surgeon, locking it in further.

And then you see like this, then you're 28 years old, okay? And like, you go to a party and then you meet one of these kids. And they're like, yeah, I'm training to be a surgeon. I pulled bullets out of people this past weekend. It was wild. And you're like, I'm still trying to figure out if I want to do architecture or storytelling. And so we get this idea that you like board this train and like the train goes straight. But the truth is that life is like it's the scenic route. There's all kinds of twists and turns. Six years to figure out that you don't like architecture is not a waste.

That's the price of tuition, right? It's the price of knowledge. Like, this is the other mind-blowing thing, right? So this person is saying, okay, should I pick storytelling or should I pick architecture? I don't know which one is the right choice. And what is the right choice? It's the one that you're not going to regret. It's the one that you're going to be happy about.

but how on earth do you know what you're going to be happy with? Like, think about that for a second. Let's say you pick storytelling and nothing works out after two or three years. Like, then what? Then you're going to have a regret. Let's say you pick architecture. You're like, yeah, like, I like, I like the apartment. Like, I'm going to pick this. And then in the back of your mind, you're going to be like, oh, I should have picked storytelling. I should have. Then you're going to have regret. Because you don't know you can't see the future. So if you can't see the future, you can't make the right choice. And so then the question is like, then how do I choose if I can't make the right choice? That's when, paradoxically, you can be free. So what I recommend to this person, because then you

is recognize that, like, wasted time is the price of figuring it out. Like, how are you supposed to know at the beginning of life? What's going to make you happy? You can't know that, right? Like, people can tell you, your parents will tell you, oh, do this, study architecture, go to medical school, it'll give you a stable job, do this, it'll make you happy. But like, how the hell do they know? Like, you don't even know. How are they supposed to know? How is anyone supposed to know? Figuring out what makes you happy in life is like something you got to figure out. It requires experimentation. And this is where this romantic notion of we board the train, we know exactly what we do, we focus on our passion, Malcolm Gladwell, 10,000 hours, dedicated practice, then I'll be happy,

I'll be successful and I'll have done it. Right? Because that's what the media sort of portrays. Like, we don't see all these people who are sort of living in like, we don't see all the like the accountants who are playing cones of duncher on the weekends, right? We don't see those people. All we see is like all these people like Bill Gates and Elon Musk and like we like think that this or all these people on YouTube who are driving fancy cars and wearing diamonds and talking about the hustle and the grind and like you got to do this. Like, we're getting all this information, but I don't know if you guys get this. Like, most people don't live their life like that, right?

Go outside of your house, walk around for a little while, and just see the people there. See who walks by. Most people are not like that. So we're basing our lives after a tiny fraction of, like, people in the world. And then we get really confused when, like, that doesn't work for us. Because that's not what works for most people. So how do you choose? The first thing you've got to do is recognize that you could be making a mistake.

That you can't blame you for not making a mistake. It's sort of like if I go to a foreign country and someone gives me like two pieces of food and I have no idea what they are. Like if I try one, am I going to like it or not like it? I have no idea. There's no way to know which one I'm going to like. So what should I do? I should just try one.

They're like pick one. You get to eat one. And it's like, how the hell am I supposed to choose? like, there's nothing you can base it on. So recognize, first of all, that the fear of making a mistake in life is actually what's going to cause you to feel regret. Because what's going to happen is you're afraid of making the wrong choice and you're going to end up picking something.

And then something is going to happen and like, maybe it's the wrong choice. Then your mind is going to be like, oh, I should have picked the other thing. So from the get-go, recognize that you're kind of, you could be making the wrong choice. Paradoxically, this will actually help you. So what I would recommend for this person, and I think this, is generally speaking, the safer choice, right? If you've invested six years in architecture and you're enjoying your life some right now, I would say follow through with it, right? You don't want to throw away that six years so easily. I'm not saying that you don't want to throw it away. I'm saying

that you should throw it away intentionally when you're 100% ready. And how do you know when you're 100% ready? Well, when you've done it for a while and like you really realize, okay, this is not what I want to do, that's when you're ready to throw it away. So I'll give you all kind of an example. So in a sense, I've sort of done this myself. But, you know, like when I talk to people who make career changes, what tends to happen is you have one career. And then in a sense, that career becomes so intolerable that you have no choice but to quit. And the really interesting thing is when you reach that point, there's no regret. There's like zero regret. There's like, okay, I tried this. I really gave it every effort possible. And it's really not.

working for me, I can't stand it anymore. Time to let it go. And they may say, oh, I've wasted time and stuff like that. You kind of talk to them about that. You work through some of that stuff. But at the end of the day, like, let experience be your guide. You can't predict the future. So what you need to make a good decision is experience. So if y'all are on the cusp of like storytelling versus architecture or choosing between your passion and sort of the safe bet, I'd say take the safe bet for now. As you take the safe bet, notice what happens to your passion of storytelling. So does your unhappiness increase with each passing day? That's a very, very important data point. We try to avoid unhappiness, but what we don't realize is unhappiness is going

to be our compass. When we try to avoid unhappiness, we don't have enough data, and then we don't know what thing to choose. The interesting thing is it's through the unhappiness that we know what feels right and what feels wrong. So I once had a patient, and this is kind of chimerical. So when I talk about patients, I kind of like take pieces of each one and assemble them into a non-real person. Okay. So I once had a patient who was dating two people. They're not really dating two people. They're dating one person.

Things fell apart. And they were trying to figure out, should I try to patch things together or not? They dated someone else who on paper was a lot better for them. And so they were like really struggling. And so they came to me and they said, well, like, I've got a problem in my relationship. And I was like, what's your problem? They're like, well, I just really don't enjoy the sex at all. And they were like, with that last person, the sex was amazing.

But like with this person, it's just really not. I just, I don't know, like, is something wrong with me? Like, do I need to, you know, do I have like a problem? So we kind of talked about it for a little while. And sort of like came to the conclusion that like, you know, kind of the body knows what it wants. They ended up choosing neither of these people, ironically. But so that's the other. kind of key takeaway to remember is that a lot of times in life, we think that choices are binary,

right? Whereas like, life is interesting. It's an open world game. It's a sandbox game. You don't have to choose either one, right? You could actually, there's like choice number C. There's none of the above. You can select that as a choice. But I think the key thing here is that like you can use, so, you know, this person was right on paper, but like they just weren't feeling it, right? Like, they're like, oh, this person is like stable. They're not abusive. You know, like they treat me with respect. They care about me.

They like get me like nice things for my birthday and stuff like that. They're like attentive and thoughtful. But I'm just not into them. Right? That was kind of the conclusion that the person came to. And then they were able to leave the relationship with like no regrets, right? Because, but if they had left too early, then they would have had a regret because they would have never known.

But they gave it a fair shot. And then they let their experience. let their unhappiness, they let their dissatisfaction, guide them. I've seen this in career changes too, where it's like, oh, should I quit? Should I leave my firm? I'm getting paid so much. And so it's like, okay, stay at your firm for a while. You're getting paid so much. So just like, make that money, enjoy the fruits of your labor. And then you'll see. Right? Because as days go by, they're like getting the money, they're getting the money, they're getting the money. And they're like, I'm really unhappy here. Okay, great. Let's talk about leaving. The key thing to remember, though, is that

what makes that decision easy, what makes that decision free of regret, what really guides you is that experience. And it's the avoidance of that experience. Oh, we're dropping. Okay. We're back? Okay. Saved. It's, so what I was kind of saying is that it's, so if you're kind of making money in your job and you're like, I don't know if this is fulfilling enough. I enjoy this thing. my passion is better to FBS. Hold on a second. Saved, not in sync. We're good.

Good, good, good. Okay, we're back. So I'll kind of pick it up from what I was saying earlier. So when we're faced in a situation where we have a job where we're making money and then we're wondering like, okay, is this the right move or the wrong move? So like you make that money for a while, like you do the job, you don't enjoy it perfectly. And then you see what happens. you manage this? Is this good for you? Can you tolerate it? Or what's going to happen is your

your unhappiness is going to increase, increase, increase, increase. And as your unhappiness increases, then the decision will become clear to you. And then you won't be confused. You won't be faced with this kind of thing. I have no idea. The lack of clarity is driving me crazy. So what's going to be, what's going to fix the lack of clarity? What's going to help you decide is your experience. And then you're going to leave without regrets. right? You're like, this is absolutely not the right thing for me. I need to move on. And then you may think, well, wouldn't it have been better if you had left a year ago? And that's where like, I don't really think so. Because what I then tend to see is that when you leave with that degree of certainty, when you leave with that degree of confidence, it launches you into the new thing with an unbelievable amount of passion and motivation.

you have so much appreciation for the thing that you choose. And if you try to choose now, what you're going to have is doubt and the possibility of regret. Because you'll never know, right? Like you're never going to know. And then like, you're going to be stuck. And you're like, oh, did I make the wrong choice? Did I make the wrong choice? So go to the end of one road.

Go all the way to the end of it. Or until you realize this is not where I want to go. And then walk back and take the other one. Practically, what I'd suggest is that if you've been. invested a heavy amount of time. You think a little bit about some of the temporal circumstances that are making this really relevant to you right now. And you like really think about trying to address those. Because if you choose to stay, then like addressing those is going to be really important for your overall happiness. The other thing is that don't worry about regrets. Recognize that it's

a coin flip. Whatever you do could be the wrong choice. And that's okay. That's life. That's how you figure out what you want to do. Right. My career has been all over the place. It was failing out of college for a while, being premed, right, but being like genetically premed or culturally premed, going to India, wanting to be a monk, deciding to go back to, deciding back to go to medical school. I mean, I didn't go back to medical school, but then I never got accepted in the first place. But deciding then, okay, I actually did want to be a doctor for my own reasons. Going to medical school, becoming a psychiatrist, originally wanting to be an oncologist, doing complementing alternative medicine and oncology, taking another career changed into psychiatry,

having my parents and family be like, it's going to drive you crazy, don't do that. Right? So, like, they were really, really confused. They're like, even my mentors were like, smart doctors don't become psychiatrists. You'd be wasted in psychiatry. You can get into such a more competitive field that you can make more money in. Why would you? Go be cardiologist.

Right. I still remember being on my vascular surgery rotation and having one of the attending doctors telling me that your mind is wasted in psychiatry. Right. And it's like it's a good thing to be praised by people and be well respected. But, you know, and then I became a psychiatrist and now I'm streaming on Twitch. It's like I wasted so much time there. Right. I could have just, I could have, 22, I could have started streaming on Twitch like 16 years. years ago when it was Justin TV and been such a huge streamer today. But that's not how it works. Right? And this is the other thing that I think people under-emphasize, they think that these six years is wasted. Whereas in my experience, overwhelming experience, it's not wasted at all. You will be amazed at what you learned in those six years that will help you with storytelling. So even if you're an architect, doing something that you don't love for six.

years in doing a decent job, the ability to develop a work ethic in the absence of motivation and passion is absolutely worth a six-year investment. Because when you move to storytelling, whether you succeed as a storyteller or not, you can't base it on your passion. You can't base it on your interest. You're not going to be successful that way. You need that work ethic, right? You even need, hey, I'm choosing storytelling after seven years of spending time on architecture. I really got to make it work because I've given up a lot to choose this. That kind of motivation, that kind of passion, that kind of sacrifice will let you double down and do so much better. I felt that in medical school. I tried so damn hard to get into medical school, got rejected from 120 medical schools.

Some medical schools rejected me multiple times. 120 medical school rejections. And then when I got in, it's like, ain't no one going to fuck it up this time. There's no way that I'm letting this opportunity slipped through my fingers. And I didn't realize the value of what I had been given until I had to make a real sacrifice to get it. And that's why I did well in medical school, because I was like, you know, everyone else was like, I mean, not everyone, but a lot of people were like, you know,

these like straight A kids. And then like, you know, but I was like, this is my last chance at life. It's like, you know, we're down to our final respawn. And after this, we have to start the game over. like, I ain't given this up. That tenacity that you get that leads to success, what people don't realize is that comes from walking the road of failure.

It comes from making mistakes. It comes from living a life of no regrets, 100% in. And then people like, how do I find that? You make a mistake. You choose something. You see what makes you unhappy. And then you're like, F that, I'm done. So the problem here is that everyone wants that passion, but they don't want to pay the price

for it. So pay the price. make a mistake, pick. In this sense, I'd say pick architecture, right? Because it's like financial stuff that like financial stability is really important. And I'd kind of say like, do that third route where like, you know, you work on your architecture, you try to work on your storytelling and you're as a side hustle, right? You give that a shot.

And then one of two things will become clear to you. One is that you're actually doing okay, right? So one, I mean, a lot of other things can happen. One route is that you start to get better, start to get better, start to get better. You really realize, okay, this is what I want to do. Let me abandon architecture. Or what's going to happen is you're going to find, okay, like I don't have the energy for it. I can't do this and architecture at the same time.

Months go by. You want to work on storytelling. You want to work on storytelling. You want to work on storytelling. Not happening, not happening, not happening, not happening. And then you get frustrated with it. And you're like, I have to choose. Right.

So Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard College, right? But he went. he didn't choose not to go. He waited until something was really important to him and worth the dropping out. So if you're trying to decide, like, should I drop out of this or not? Like, I would say wait until something is worth it. Because then you know, like, because the interesting thing is that the size of the sacrifice you make cognitively boosts your motivation by a comparable amount.

And we've seen this like in a lot of interesting places. Right. So, like, when we have really, really strong, like, helicopter parents that live vicariously through their kids, that tenacity of wanting my kid to be number one is directly correlated to their perception of what they had to give up, right? I'm going to make sure my child is the best in the universe because I got pregnant and had to drop out of college. So in order to make that worth it, that tenacity with being a helicopter parent is through the roof.

Is that bad for the kid? Sure. but let's think a little bit about scientifically where that tenacity comes from. Where does that motivation come from? It comes from the sacrifice. Right? So motivation can come from sacrifice, 100%. So if you want to find it, like, you got to pay the price.

You have to pay the blood price. Have to. Got to pay that karmic price. Call it whatever you want to. And don't be afraid. Mistakes are a part of life. That's how we know what to do. Right?

So here we are ahead of time trying to figure everything out. which food should I eat for the rest of my life. I've never tried anything. How do I know? Should I pick, if you get to pick one cuisine for the rest of your life? Should it be Mexican? Should it be Japanese? Should it be Indian?

Should it be American? I don't know how to pick. So try everything. And there we are thinking, oh my God, I chose to eat sushi today. I missed out on the burger. It's like, okay, you can have the burger tomorrow. But then I didn't eat burgers two days in a row. I could have eaten burgers two days in a row.

I could have had, yeah. So, like, you missed out on the enjoyment. that's part of it. You got to pay the price of tuition to figure out what you want to do in life. If you're stuck between two things, be prepared to make a mistake. And then as you choose one thing, recognize that over time, your soul will tell you whether this is the right move or not. And as that uncertainty increases, I mean, sorry, not uncertainty, as that discomfort increases,

is that dissatisfaction increases, you'll know that's your compass. and then you'll move forward with a lot of energy. I see everyone's caught up with the food for the rest of your life. Right? And that's the other thing. Where do we get the idea for the rest of your life? Right? Like, oh, I don't want to do this for the rest.

Okay, so you don't have to do it for the rest of your life. You can be an architect for like two or three years, make some money, make some savings, and then quit. Right? But that's what when people say, but I spent six years on the education. Sure, there's an opportunity cost. So maybe you do it five years. Maybe you do it six years. But you don't have to do anything for the rest of it.

of your life. That's how people feel in their 20s. They're like, I have to do this for the rest of my life. Trust me, as someone who's near in 40, has had a lot of different career changes and a lot of failed career attempts. You don't have to do anything for the rest of your life. Duncan is ready for you to fall hard, so when you hear those leaves wrestling, it's time to eat, sleep and drink pumpkin at Dunkin with pumpkin muffins, and donuts. Pair them with a classic pumpkin spice signature latte or the ultra-smooth pumpkin cream cold brew. America runs on Duncan. Price and participation may very limited time offer. Terms apply.