HealthyGamerGG - Impostor Syndrome With Dungeon Master Arcadum

Episode Date: October 22, 2020

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How's it going, man? Going good, man. How's it going? Good. And what do I call you, friend? Whatever you want. Arcadum. Arcadam, if you like. Pronounced Arcadam, but don't worry.

There is a 16 long copy positive. How many different ways people have said the name? So it's fine. So Jeremy or Arcadam? Yeah, that's fine. Cool. And thanks for coming on so much. Thanks for being supportive of us.

and everything. Is there something in particular? Is it okay if I call you Jeremy? Is that cool? Yeah, that's fine. Okay. So, Jeremy, can you tell me a little bit about what you want to talk about today if there's anything that we can help you with?

Well, I think the biggest thing is kind of like a, I guess it's a dual, like pronged thing. Because the first thing is I deal with a lot of imposter syndrome stuff. Okay. And I didn't even know what that was called until then. Until like, until like, I don't know, like eight months ago or something like that. I didn't even know that term existed. Okay.

And the other thing was how, I guess, in addition to that, to deal with the burden of responsibility that has just grown larger and larger. What is... Can you tell me what burden you're talking about? Well, specifically, I've always been in a position of pseudo-leadership because a dungeon master is the arbitrator of the game and gets everybody together and arranges everything. But I don't know, over the past three months,

the weight of all the additional stuff on top of that has just been weighing on me a lot. What's, can you help us understand what, additional stuff has been weighing on you. Okay. I'm going to try and put this in a way that I can explain what I'm going through.

So, essentially, I dungeon master for nine different groups right now. Wow. And that's roughly about 40 people, if you count the guest stars.

And then there is all the people in my Discord, which when I, you know, got my channel started, I wanted to run an MMO, like D&D sort of mud thing in my in my Discord like to thank the subs and for the that sounds awesome man that's pretty sick but uh problem is is that um i i am a dungeon master

not like a administrator and all these other skill sets i don't actually have so i had to like learn those on the fly and of course i wanted to do it right and i wanted to do it well so i had to learn a bunch of stuff that i wasn't really ready to learn and i made you know mistakes long the way, but it got to the point now to where it's, uh, not only has, has my actual Twitch growth gotten to this point to where there's a lot of people depending on me for their entertainment, but it's, it's somehow increased even more because the players that I have, many of them don't stream the games that we play. They depend on me for their own release, their own freedom from from their daily routine, you know, to play and to have fun.

But because they get so into it, their communities do too, and then they follow them. And then it's, that pressure has just kept building and building and building on top of it. And I'm not afraid of a little hard work. The military put that in me. But the problem I think is, is that, I don't know, there's just this voice. in my head telling me I'm not doing good enough, I guess. How long is that? Yeah, so beautifully put.

So first thing I want to say, Jeremy, is it's an absolute pleasure to talk to it. Dungeon Master explain what their experiences, because even your storytelling, you know, your brain is wired to tell a beautiful story. Yeah. You take a couple seconds to think about how you're going to start and how you're going to finish. It's unfortunate that the story is, you know, one of burden and happiness. I guess I do want to be clear. I'm not ungrateful for anything or, or even that it's really a bad thing. You know, I mean, I don't really view it negatively in its entirety.

Because it, like you were mentioning something earlier on your intro. The, the, was a Hinduism term that you said? Yeah, I know that as Ikagi from the Japanese term, which is essentially, I think, similar to what that means, which is, you know, what you can get paid for, what you're good at, what serves the world and what gives you inner peace. You find that, and that's what your purpose in life is. And I was fortunate enough to find that when I was 13 years old. So I've been doing the, I knew exactly what I wanted to be right when that happened. Can you tell us about that? Yeah, sure. So I guess this has a little bit of extra context to it.

I'm not sure how heavy we want to get, but suffice to say, I grew up in the deep south in a place that was not tolerant of anything. It didn't matter what it was, you know, D&D, least of all. And I specifically at the time I was living in a literal junkyard in a trailer with tainted well water. And, you know, in my opinion, problems that any American should be living in with our wealth level. But that's a whole other thing. But that's what I had to grow up with. So when I made some friends finally, I would go to their house.

and I would try to go there as much as possible because there was peace there. And I never could find it for myself when I inevitably had to go back to my house. So while I was there, one day it was summer and we were just kind of laying around doing nothing. My best friend's dad came in saw us kind of laying around. I was like, all right, I'm going to teach you guys something. and he sat us down and he taught me second edition d and d and d i cut my teeth on on ad and d yeah fake oh all of it and uh after the first session i knew it's exactly what i wanted to do with the rest of my life i didn't have a single doubt in my head about it i knew that this is what i

want to do what was it about ad and d that resonated with you so deeply i was less about what the system did it was it was there was this one moment when I forgot who I was, but then I remembered what I did, and then it became a part of me, and I could switch. I could basically, I guess, dodge the pain that I was feeling, but in a way that didn't feel like it was destructive. So, so I guess, I guess, I guess it was more like it saved my life, because, I mean, it gave me, from that point forward, that's all I concentrated on. I didn't care about anything else. My parents would be fighting tooth and nail in the middle of the kitchen, breaking stuff. My sister would be crying and all I could think about was

dragons. It was what I needed. And then eventually, you know, I got through that. I joined the military. I was taught how to be a good person. And then after that, I just went full force into it. How did you decide to join the military? I escaped. So 80% escape, 20% romanticized, like, viewpoint of what the military is, which is, you know, everybody is rewarded for their merits. Everyone acts right. Everyone does the right thing because it's the right thing, you know. I, of course, was taught the truth that since people are involved, there will always be all the things that make people, you know, awful. But for the most part, the military was one of the best decisions I ever made.

it taught me to be an adult because I certainly didn't learn from my parents and more importantly I think than anything else it taught me the value of hard work because until that point I was taught never work hard steal if you can take from others because they're suckers and you can you can you can trick people and I was taught how to do it and I learned how to do it because I watched what my parents would do and why I watched what my family would do and the people around me. I grew up in places where people made excuses rather than results, you know, things like that. The military taught me that you can't make an excuse whenever you have a battle brother or sister on the line. You know, and I, and I signed up during a time of war, so I had to sit in a room, look at a piece of paper, and

understand that if I signed it, they could imprison me for my incompetence and kill me for my cowardice. And I took that seriously. And after my service was done, I was a better person for it. Wow. Yeah. If this is any indication of your storytelling capabilities, you must make one hell of a dungeon master. No, it's beautiful. It's quite, it's quite, it's, it's quite, It's quite the story, man. Yeah. You know, I'd want to call it beautiful, but it sounds like it's got ugly pieces here and there, to be sure.

I think a flaw in something is what makes it beautiful, too. You know, nothing's perfect. Do you remember how you felt growing up with mom and dad fighting in one room, with your sister crying? I have a lot of pieces of myself that I've had to fight against. I think probably the most intense one is this rage that started growing in me. Because like I said, I grew up around a lot of prejudice. I knew what a wizard was before D&D, if you understand what I mean by that.

And I was taught awful things, things that I know now aren't true, but I that's that's what like it was when it's ingrained into your head when you're a child and you of course your elders and the people that love you you're your what else do you have to go off of you know you get taught those things and then they become reality and it gets really hard to change that and i think the reason that i change i turn that corner you know at least racism wise was the first actual person who didn't look like me that I met was nothing like I was told he was a punk skater

he wore like punk music t-shirts his name was TJ and he did sweet kickflips that's it he's completely different he was so cool man I want to do kickflips so I changed everything so that's one of those what is the rage tell me I don't see rage there

sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry That was an example of because when I found out that I had been lied to, that's when it started from that lie. Because I didn't really have a childhood. I grew up really fast. I wasn't really able to be naive, I think. It started with that that I knew that people were lying to me. And trying to figure out who was lying to me made me suspicious. I think. And then when I actually started, and because I had that suspicion, you know, my mother and father were no longer the bearers of truth and my extended family, you know, pillars of wisdom. They were all just liars and cowards. And I started seeing it for what it was. I would see how my father in one hand would tell me, you're doing a great job, but then would have such little faith. that I was going to perform the simplest of tasks right that he would send my little sister in to make sure I was doing it right.

He just destroyed my confidence constantly. You know, just one thing there. That's just an example. And all those little things kept piling up. And then the big things were my parents kept splitting up and I was forced to see violence. I've had everything happened to me that most people have had happen to them in some way, all forms of abuse. all of them. And I guess when I finally found D&D, I found that there is a place where I can make things

the way I wanted them to be, and that I could bring joy to people through it. And it gave me a weapon, a weapon I could use against the darkness, so to speak. And that's what it did. And now we get to the burden of responsibility. Yeah. So what's the responsibility you bear, Jeremy?

For the course of my career, people come to me because they seek sanctuary like I did all those years ago. Whether it be, whether it just be to have some fun to blow off some steam from work, or because they're trans and they want to be the gender they want to be. And for a couple hours, I can make it true. or they can be strong and fast, smart and wise, charismatic, pretty, doesn't matter. I can make it true for a couple hours. And I take it seriously. Even though in the end it's just a game, to me it's more than that.

It's a... It's a weapon. against despair, which is why I have, which is why I have that dichotomy in my storytelling, I think. Which dichotomy? Hope and despair. And so you said that you learned about this term imposter syndrome recently? Yeah, specifically, like, I want to, I think it was eight months ago, but it was Devin Nash talked about it. And I just wondered, what does that mean? And then I looked it, I was like, yeah, okay.

And so that's me. What features of imposter syndrome do you think apply to you or do you identify with? Well, I don't even know if I have it, but this is what happens to me is that I'll do something good and then I cannot see the success that I have. Even now, like the level that I'm at right now, I don't even see it because all I, all I hear is that whisper in the back of my head. that it's not good enough. And when I was in the military, I tried to cut out guilt completely out of me to combat it, combat that voice.

But I went too far in the other direction. I became a terrible person for it. I didn't care about anybody. I just did horrible things, and I didn't feel any guilt at all. And because I, like, forced it out of myself because I just didn't want to feel guilty for doing the right thing,

because I didn't do enough. but that was too far and then I pulled back on it and then I found a decent balance I think but now I think that that the force multiplier of the size of the weight is just yeah makes the voice like if the voice is a percentage of who I am because of the burden's weight the voice is louder now because it's bigger I suppose can I think for a second yeah go ahead so Jeremy we've got a fork in the road yeah okay and so you get to pay so one is I can explain

the stats of the imposter syndrome class and how does imposter syndrome work how can we understand the mechanics of it it's going to be not an individual character it's going to be a set of rules in a rule book it's not it may apply to you it may not It's just the diagram of what imposter syndrome is and how it feels and where it comes from.

Okay. The other fork in the road is to actually build a character, which is you, right? Is to take this principle. And we don't have to do one or the other. It can be both. I guess it's an issue of sequence potentially. But we can ask you more questions about, you know, the way that you've managed guilt, the way you've dealt with your feelings, this sort of sense of burden of responsibility.

we can talk about you in a more specific sense. And in short, you know, I think I already have a decent hypothesis about, you know, where a lot of your struggles come from. And we can kind of go more specifically about you. So do we want to explore the character that is Jeremy or do we want to talk about the class imposter syndrome? I mean, you're the boss here. What do you think is better?

I'm the DM, but you're the, the PC so you get to choose. Okay. Finally get to play. I guess the second one. Okay. So tell me, tell me what, let me just try to find my question. Because you got to know the character where you choose the class. So you said that you tried to cut guilt out.

Yeah. right and and now what is it you feel guilty or that you're not good enough or you're going to let people down or what well i suppose now because i was cutting it out completely wasn't the right call at all now it's um since the stakes are so high and since i've pulled off things that a lot of people can't even believe that someone can do, there's now this, this rising bar of expectation where I can't falter at all. I can't make mistakes. Because if I do, then faith turns on its heel. And from my experience early in my career, I can see how quickly that that faith can turn to just distrust and just some awful stuff. So what do you mean by that?

Well, like, I have an example here. So in the early days of my career, before I went professional, like I started charging, I did a couple of side campaigns. And one of the side campaigns, I told people that I would try to prepare everything for them. And so because I told them that, hey, don't worry about it, I'll do this. They just tried to challenge me because they just started doing random stuff. And then it got to the point to where I just couldn't keep up because they would literally try to make me wrong. And so whenever the time came that one of them did something and I didn't have it ready for

them, they said, I knew you couldn't do it. And then I felt like I failed them, even though now I know that that person's, that person's just an asshole. But now I know that it's, yeah, I only know that now. Then I felt like I let them down. Okay. Completely. So I understand we just got a rate from Anita. So I was just going to clue people in. So you want to do? I want to introduce yourself, Jeremy, to the folks? Yeah, sure, sure. Hello, I am Arcadam. I am a professional dungeon master on Twitch.tv. I like you. Wow. Yeah. That's all.

So welcome, guys. So we're big fans of Anita here at Healthy GameR. I'm Dr. Kay. So we're talking to Arcadam today about sort of, so as he's grown more successful, he feels some sense of like imposter syndrome. which is that despite the world telling him that he's doing a good job, the more the world tells him that he's doing a good job, the stronger the voice in his head becomes that it's all going to come crashing down or that there's something that people don't understand or things like that. I mean, I know you haven't sort of said that explicitly, but that's pretty much it. I'm basing that on the class description.

Yeah, yeah. So I want to just highlight what you just said, Jeremy, because you kind of said that, you know, you told people, hey, I'm going to take care of everything. And then they said, I'm going to request to prove you wrong. And they're going to do that, right? Yeah, yeah. And then there's the statement that they said, I know you couldn't do it. Yeah.

How does that statement relate to the voice in your head that you would describe as imposter syndrome? Well, I suppose what I would equate to that is they said they knew that they couldn't do it. know why that person said that now and more often because you know all that but i guess at the in that moment i just heard my dad i think more than anything else because you know he would tell me i could do anything and then not have any faith in me at all that i would uh in the same breath so i'm glad you made that connection because yeah um right because i i'm i'm envisioning that story where you know your dad would tell you to do something and he would send your sister with you because he sort of yeah and and so when we think about you know and now if we sort of start

to connect the dots and we think a little bit about imposter syndrome like what you know you so despite your success and despite you you being aware that you can do it there lives within you a voice that tells you that you can't so then the question becomes if we want to the voices inside us, right? Because like this is the thing is that we live our lives and we're like, hopefully, functioning adults, or even if we're not really functioning adults, it doesn't really matter. We know we're capable of some things. We have evidence that we're capable of some things.

And there are voices that we carry with us. And so if you want to overcome that voice that you carry with you, I think the biggest thing to understand is to understand, like, you know, where did you learn that? and to understand it's interesting, Jeremy, because you say that now looking back on it, you can understand even though you felt bad in that moment, you recognize that that was his problem. That's not yours.

If he sets out to screw you over when you're DMing the campaign, like he'll make people not have fun, right? Like PCs can do that, no matter how strong you are as a dungeon master, an asshole PC can ruin a game for you if they really want to. Yeah. And so I think, you know, it's interesting because you say that you tried to cut out guilt. And I think that you sort of formed a very strong version of yourself through the military. You learned a lot about yourself.

You learned a lot about how to be a good person. But, you know, despite all of that growth, like wounds still need to be healed. You know, if I'm sitting at half health and I level up and I gain eight hit points and then I level up again and I gain eight hit points, It doesn't matter. Like that damage is still there and the damage has to be healed. And what I hear is a guy who was running around at half health who's been leveling up a lot, but at the end of the day, never healed that initial wound. Yeah. And so I think the issue is going to be like, you know, when you feel like you can't do it, is that your dad's voice or is it yours?

I suppose my father's a part of me, whether I want it or not. So it's probably mine. And so what do you tell yourself? Well, what I've been doing lately to deal with it, and it's probably not healthy. But it's the only thing that seems to quiet it is that each time I'll hit a point, it'll say you can't do better. I'll do better. and then it's quiet for a while and then it comes back

and then it's quiet for a while and just keep hitting it down now I guess it helps because I keep doing better I don't know it's really it's really strange to put it into words it's almost like I've got like a shadow in my mind

a demon if you will and I live a good life out of spite of it just to spite it yep you know so it's I don't know, it doesn't really come from, I guess, in that particular instance, it doesn't come from like a place of love and understanding and compassion as I would like it to be.

It's just from spite competitiveness, I guess. Yeah, so now we come to another feature of the character class of imposter syndrome, which is that it's actually adaptive towards success. So it actually, even though it tortures us from an objective level, it actually helps us succeed. So I see imposter syndrome a lot Like a good example is in the investment banking field You get you know

22 year olds who end up at Goldman Sachs They moved to New York and they live the life of a banker And you know at the age of 22 they're making 250k And then suddenly it's like From no money to 250K a year It can feel like and then the imposter syndrome hits And it tells them you can't do better Look at this other person he's doing

better than you. You're fake. You know, people haven't realized. And then they, they do exactly what you did, which is they fight the voice and they try to overcome it. And it does quiet it for a while. And it certainly improves you, right? Like you grow in objective success, but then the voice comes back. So here's the question. When the voice says you can't do better, why do you have to prove it wrong? I suppose The reason that I do that Specifically

The reason that I have to prove it wrong Is because I'll start to believe it Because then it says other things Like Like You don't deserve what you have And that you lied to get there And that you did this

And that Because That's what else that my dad did Is that him anytime he would get to an argument he was not satisfied with understanding or even victory he would only accept absolute victory and even then he would not be satisfied like he would win in an argument with my mother and then just drill her into the ground afterwards because he won he was right it was it was awful and for the longest time you know i i would uh equate that like especially growing up

i would equate that that is the only way that a winner has decided is an absolute defeat victory and it wasn't until you know i got old enough to realize that that was just a lie that that wasn't true. But, you know, at that point, it was taught into my, like, core functions. So it's really hard to resist it. Yeah. You know. So, Jeremy, let me ask you something.

Oh, go ahead, yeah. When you have the voice that tells you that you can't do it, and you overcome that voice and you succeed and you do better, which part of you is your dad? The voice or your response to the voice? probably the voice it's the crazy thing is I think it's both

yeah right because what do you do with that voice you try to crush it you try to prove it wrong you try to drive it into the ground to prove to it that that voice is wrong yeah

and so what you're doing is you're cutting out a part of yourself there too so here's the crazy thing Like, there's a different perspective, and I think it's going to be hard, but like, just hear me out for a second, which is that you can't do it or that you may not be able to do it. Like the whole problem here, Jeremy, is that it's like it's a battle where absolute victory is on either side. And an absolute victory against yourself is still a loss for you. And like, what you need to do is learn how to be in the middle.

to recognize, for example, that you may not be able to do it. And that's okay. Because the thing that I'm hearing that is completely foreign to you, you understand victory and defeat. You understand triumph and lost. You don't understand forgiveness for not rank. Yeah. I suppose.

Right. It's weird. So I'm going to... I suppose now that you said that, I suppose there's a part of me that believes that it doesn't exist. Of course, because no one taught you, right? So the military is going to teach you a lot of things. It's going to teach you, you know, like how to potential, like be disciplined and work hard and stuff like that.

It's not going to, very few people I've talked to in the military have learned forgiveness from the military. And what I'm still hearing is a war against yourself. Like the wars we fight against ourselves are the ones that even if we win, we lose. and what I'm what I'm hearing is you know you kind of say oh my god I'm responsible for creating an escape for so many people because this was an escape for me and that's where I'd say like I don't think I don't think you're I mean I'm sure you understand this but like I really encourage you to think about it is that you can't create an escape for someone else right the whole point of D&D is like you guys have to create it together and it's not you can't guarantee you can't all the pain

that you experienced growing up, that D&D helped you escape from. You want to give that opportunity to other people. Awesome. But it is not, as a human being, you are entitled to your actions, but not the fruits of your actions, right? It's my choice whether I choose to swing my sword. It's not my choice whether I critical hit, critical fail, or hit. That's determined by the dice.

And the problem here is that the burden of responsibility that you bear, you don't accept that, like, all you get to control is. whether you roll the dice. What you're putting on your shoulders is the burden of what the role is actually going to be. You're saying, I want to create this thing to take away people's pain, and that's why you work so hard. That's awesome. But then you beat yourself up if for some reason you feel like it's not working or it's not good enough. Like your job as a dungeon master is to create an opportunity for other people to come and escape if they want to. But you don't get to actually control, like, whether that escape happens or not.

But you accept that for yourself. You take that responsibility. So oddly enough, I think, I think you, the burden of responsibility that you take is not actually yours to bear. I can see that. I just, that's a harder thing for me to accept, I suppose, because as I've gotten better at it, I have been able to do it. And if you can help somebody, then you should. sure at least i feel at least so yeah so so jeremy i i can see that you're not quite buying what i'm selling so that's so let me explain it in a slightly different way and then i think we have to get to the emotional underpinnings so you're saying that but i have been able to do it you're damn right so as you level up right your thaco gets better and like the more you level up the more

your thacko gets better and the better your thacko gets better and the better your thacko gets the more hits you see. And yet at the same time, even if you're a level 20 fighter with a thacko of one, it doesn't mean that you're going to hit. You still do not control the dice no matter how good you get.

Yeah. Right? But I think that somewhere along the way you transitioned in your mind and I'd encourage you to really pay attention to it. When did you start accepting responsibility for how the dice was actually going to roll? When did you

cross the line between it's my choice whether I roll a dice to I have to hit. And I see this in medicine too, because the better doctors become, the more that they start to think that like, the more competent of a doctor I become, the more that I think that I can hold death at bay. The more people that I save, the more I start to think like, I can do this. And I'm, I'm stronger than that. Because see how many times I've beaten it. And yet, the more victories you have and the more skillful you become, the more you level up, you can't conquer death. You can create a place where people can come to escape, but you can't give them escape. Yeah. I suppose. And I mean, and I know in my, I guess my heart, that that's true. So I'm not,

I don't disagree with it at all. I just, I guess I lament that, uh, that I can't do that. Go ahead. in its entirety. Yes. Now we're getting someone. So why do you lament that, Jeremy? Well, because life is unfair in suffering and we're given the strength to make it through that, but others aren't as strong as me

so I can lend them some of mine, and I just do it through D&D. And I guess I see that if I get strong enough, then I can remove more suffering that way and that because I can do it I should and if I can keep doing it, then I should and I lament that I know that I am doomed to fail

an absolute victory. And I know that. Yeah. So. Can I tell you a story? Yeah. If you studied Eka guy, you may have heard this one before. So there's a monk that's sitting on the banks of a

river and he sees a scorpion falling around on the banks of the river and the scorpion falls into the river and starts to drown and the monk reaches over and he plucks the scorpion out of the water and the scorpion stings him he's like and then he sets it you know on the bank of the river and then his disciples are kind of watching nearby and then after a little while scorpion wanders back down to the river and falls into the river again and the scorpion picks it up and it stings him, he goes, out. And he puts it safely back. And the third time, the scorpion goes into the river.

Third time, he plucks it out. And a third time he gets stunk. And then one of his disciples is like, Master, why do you keep on saving the Scorpion if it keeps on stinging to you? And you know what the master says? You heard this one before? I guess not.

Go ahead. Go ahead. I have an hard-dust version of it. So the master says, well, you know, I keep doing it because it's in my nature to save drowning animals. It's in the scorpions of nature to bite, to sting things that pick it up. And so I think this is the kind of thing where, like, you know, I think your problem, Jeremy, is that you seek absolute victory. Right.

Your problem is that you've shed a lot of what you grew up with. But the need for absolute crushing victory so that you never have to deal with it again is, I mean, this is just the nature of things. you can give people a place to escape and they're going to come in and they're going to follow their nature and you keep doing you right it's not like I encourage you to be like the monk

and like do what is your role to do do what is your Ikegai or your Dharma yeah and understand that if you are expecting and like I think what you need to learn is like the satisfaction of or contentment of role

the dice. The satisfaction or contentment of absolutely, by all means, offer what you can to help other people and give the most that you can to improve other people's lives. And if you can do it, should you do it? Hell yeah, buddy. Go for it. But don't for a second think that because you try, you're going to succeed. Don't for a second think that your success is actually in your hands because it isn't.

your effort is in your hands do you bear a burden do you bear a burden absolutely but the burden that you bear is not one of improving their lives it's one of creating a space where they can where they can come to because let me ask you this like who bore the burden of responsibility for your escape

when you were 13 my sense said Bob Smith he taught me D&D and he was hammered the whole time but I got to tell you was the most honest, like, he's just a good dad to his son and to me. So that's probably that's something to do with it too. I think so.

Connect those dots for us. What do you think it has to do with it, Jeremy? I guess because whenever Andy won with my friend, his son, whenever he'd do well, he'd pat his son on the back, and that would be it. there'd be no backhand, so to speak. And what happened with you, Jeremy? Yeah. I won and I didn't need anything else.

What does that mean? I didn't even win. I guess, I guess for once, I just, I existed in a state where it wasn't all extreme and it wasn't all, how are I going to put it,

I could speak instead of scream is the best way I can really put it. Well said. Yeah. Yeah. It was just fun, man. Hmm? It was just fun, too.

The most fun I'd ever have up to that point. Maybe it's just the right combination. You know, a good role model that didn't knock me down when I got stood up. A peaceful place. Quieter. Nobody was angry. And I was around friends, I guess. I thought about that a lot.

Like what combination happened? I don't know the answer to that, but I'm thankful every day that it happened. And so help me understand when you feel like you're an imposter, what kind of thoughts go through your head? Visions of myself either failing or misusing the position that I have. power that I have, I suppose, or the responsibility or or neglect, just lots of those things. Why do you fear that those things will come to pass? I don't know, because I'm always, I guess I'm always thinking about it, like in the back of my head,

especially when I go to sleep. I think that's where the nightmares come from. What do you mean nightmares? Oh, nearly every night I just have awful nightmares so I don't get a lot of sleep. Granted, that's also been helpful because some of my best monsters I've made

for D&D have come from that. Can you share something to us? Can you share something? What have you made from literally the stuff of nightmares? All right, here we go. Let me tell you something. So, one,

One time, I was, I was dreaming that I was like in this warehouse and like faces were being like stitched on to my arms. And it was crazy. And it was so vivid and real. And they were like the faces of people that I knew growing up. And then after that, I woke up. I immediately started making the creature. And that's where I made my first like, like face stealing creature, which I kind of based on. I looked up mythology of it.

It exists in other places, and I really got together and just started tinkering with it a little bit. And then I unveiled it a year later against the party, and it was like one of the coolest fights I ever had because it had stance changes and it would steal like their personality subtypes and they'd have to fight against themselves. It was awesome. Pretty sick. Sounds pretty awesome, man. Man, it was awesome. But yeah, that's where most of them come from. How are you feeling about this conversation, Jeremy?

I don't really talk to anybody like this about this kind of stuff. So I guess a little anxious. So when I look at your face, I don't see a whole lot of emotion. Like, I'm having trouble figuring out. Actually, the impression that I'm getting is that you're able to understand with things intellectually, but that you're a little bit disconnected from yourself. Well, I think maybe the thing with that is my family isn't intellectual. They're very emotional.

And while I know that there's a lot of good that can be done through that method, you know, I can feel for a lot of different people and stuff like that. but there's just a lot of bad things that can come from it as well. You know, anger being the one I'm most afraid of. And sometimes my passion for the things I talk about kind of eke out and then I'll get a little emotional that way. But I don't know, too many times when I've allowed myself I guess that vulnerability it just caused something worse to happen

there's very few people I can really What do you mean by vulnerability? Well, part of my job is to remain neutral and unbiased which means I have to to some degree detach myself emotionally from the situation because while the dice do decide many

things I decide the parameters and which the dice are rolled against and I have to calculate varying levels of fairness and if I well I can't control exactly what the dice do I can augment them greatly by the challenges that that person has to face so if I'm emotionally attached to somebody and I don't want to make them feel bad then I won't challenge them properly and then I make all of their successes and their failure is meaningless because I don't get them an honest challenge. It's one of the reasons I don't fudge dice rolls. And some DMs do. I don't do that because the only way that someone can know success is if failure is real, at least in D&D. I don't know if that applies across the board, but I know it applies in D&D,

and I've got the plenty of evidence to support that because that's why my career happened. And so in that regard, I think that's why when I talk about things like that, I detach myself emotionally, especially also on, you know, on stream and stuff because, you know, I know that I'm more of a public facing. Hi, welcome to your neighborhood pharmacy. Hi, I've got a prescription for diabetes test strips. How much is the copay? Well, it depends on your type of commercial insurance and factoring in your yearly spend, subtracting the deductibles, also depending on your monthly. Why can't there be a better option? Or you could try Contournext test strips.

A 35 counts only 1999 over-the-counter and proven to be highly accurate. Go to contournex.com slash radio to see if over-the-counter strips are a more affordable option for you. Hmm, I think I'll try Contour Next. Did you know you're more likely to stick to a fitness routine if you enjoy it? That's why Peloton classes are designed to be fun, from cycling to yoga, to running, to strength training. Whatever your fitness level, Peloton instructors don't just teach, They motivate. No wonder our research in March 2022 found that 70% of Peloton members work out more than they did before joining.

Try the Peloton bike or tread risk-free for 30 days. Learn more at OnePeloton.com. Peloton, motivation that moves you. New members-only terms apply. Figure now, and I feel like I should be careful with what I say and emotions make you less careful. They make you more honest, I think, but also less careful. and I suppose also when all things are considered, they're really strong

and I can't control them if I let them out too much, I think. I hope that suffices. I don't know. Yeah, so I'm getting that from you. And I think that's such a, real challenge. Because I think what you've got to do, Jeremy, is not control.

Yeah. Right? So you've tried to cut guilt entirely out of your life. That didn't work so well. And it sounds like you have difficulty controlling them. But what I'm getting from you is that, like, sure, I can explain sort of logic and we can talk about Thaco and all that good stuff. But at the end of the day, I get the sense that there's a certain amount of,

of Teflon coding that you've got, and so we keep slipping off of it. It's slick. And I think if you really want to get to the root of this imposter syndrome, I mean, we can talk about features of the class and whatnot. But I think at the end of the day, like, what I want you to understand is that that voice is not coming from a rational place. It's coming from an emotion. It's coming from conditioning. And if you want to undo, so like, I want you to really think about this. So the thoughts that enter our head come from somewhere. It's crazy.

Like the simplest thing is that, you know, so you popped open what looked like some kind of Dr. Pepper beverage. And as I saw that, my indrias or my sense organs detected something and then generated a thought in my brain. So sometimes one of the sources of thoughts is our indrias or our sense organs. But thoughts come from more places. than our sense organs. They come from more places than the outside world. Sometimes they come from us. And if you think about, you know, I want you to think about like a portal into some, you know, lower plane that's spawning denizens. And what happens is you're there and like it spawns a denizen,

which is the thought in your head and it says, I can't do well. You're, you're going to fail. And then you smack that denizen down. You beat the crap out of it. And then you're like, yeah, I won. And then a day later, a week later, oh, there's the thought again. And you smack that one down too. And there's the thought again, and you smack that one down too. And like we said, imposter syndrome is adaptive because if we think about it, we're farming XP, right? We're just farming these denizens for XP. It's great.

We're leveling up. But it sucks because you're kind of fighting these denizens from the lower planes all the time. If you want to get to the portal, that portal is emotional. If you want to close that portal, like you got to go, you can't keep. keep on fighting these cognitive wars against yourself and buying yourself until tomorrow. You've got to go to like where this, like, you know, where this feeling comes from. The idea that like you have within you a belief and now I'm going out on a limb so we can talk about it. It could be right. Could be wrong. So I, and I've seen this with people, frankly, from deep south.

So I grew up, when you say deep south, what state are you talking? Oh, Arkansas. Okay. So like I grew up in East Texas. And so pretty similar. Maybe not quite as deep. I mean, I grew up in a city that had a population of 100,000 people. But, you know, there were wizards and dragons of a different kind down there too.

Yeah. And I think at the end of the day, you know, there's a part of you that not to be indelicate. and I'm going to use an inflammatory phrase to see if we get some traction. There's a part of you that's a successful Twitch streamer and Dungeon Master and living the life of your dreams, and you carry with you a white trailer park

trash kind of kid around. Yeah. Right? And those thoughts don't come from Arcana. They come from Jeremy. And like if you really want those thoughts, like that insecurity about what you're capable of, and the idea,

that even if you do well, it's going to come crumbling down around you, like that fundamental lack of faith is not Arcadum, because Arcadum is fucking amazing. Everyone knows that. Arcadum is the person that literally takes the stuff of nightmares and turns it into an escape for people who are suffering in the rest of their life. Like, how cool is that? I don't know how much more fallen hero anti-palis.

than you can get. I know I don't feel that way, but I understand what you mean. Yeah, and I know that you don't feel that way. So what way do you feel, Jeremy? I feel that you're right about something that I didn't really think about, that the persona that I created from myself isn't really me. Not really. I mean, it's a part of me, sure, but it's not me.

me, you know, maybe that's the wrong way to look at it, but I try to, I think, you know, I ignore Jeremy and I try to become the person I made for myself because that's what I want to be, but I can't just not be the other part of me and I've got to find a way to put them together again.

Yep. So now we come to a weird thing that I'm going to say. The reason you feel like an imposter, Jeremy, is because you are one, right? Because you're more... And I know what you mean by that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Right?

So the reason that like, like, there is a part of you that could fail. And I think that actually you're going to reach, just like you said, it's the failures that make the success is worthwhile and it's why you don't fudge roles. And in your own life, you're trying to live a life of pure success

without carrying that failure with you. And you're more than Arcadam, and thank God for that. You're Jeremy too, and it's because, like, Jeremy is the fuel for Arcadam. All of your compassion, all of your, like, intrinsic understanding of your despair. And if you go find a therapist, I'm sure they'll have a field day with your nightmares

and the, you know, psychological symbolism there. Yeah. And so Jeremy, I think what you've got to do is understand that, yeah, maybe you will fail. Maybe you will people let. Maybe you will let people down. Maybe you won't win 100%. And that's okay. That when someone concedes an argument, you don't have to drive them into the ground.

That you don't have to be perfect all the time. If you're running nine campaigns and you fuck up one day, like, that's no big deal. You're allowed to make mistakes. Yeah. you should have the biggest problem is that you don't have any mercy for yourself there's a relentless you know like you're trying so hard to prove to yourself that you're like it's weird like you have this war where like you can't tolerate the idea that you're not arcadum and that jeremy may be alive inside you and like that's not a battle you're ever

good win because jeremy is alive and inside you the crazy thing is that the conclusion that you draw from that is that like that's a bad thing i think it's a good thing i think it's a good thing i think it's who you are, man. You're not straight 18s, bro. You've got a dump stat or two here or there. Rolled my stats. No, it's never good idea. No, I get what you mean, though. Yeah. I'm sorry if I seemed resistant to the things you were saying. I didn't mean it that way. No, it's not something you have to apologize for. It's an observation. Right? I think it's not, it's not, I didn't interpret it as resistance. I think it's protection. This is like, one of those campaigns where like there's some, you know, cave that's sealed off by a bunch of wards.

Yeah. And like, eventually you got to take the wards down and go in. The wards are there for a reason. They're keeping the anger at bay. And I think a good place for you to start is not so much about guilt. It's, as you said, rage. Like, what are you angry at, man? Do you let yourself be angry?

I try very hard not to let myself be angry. There is a portal deep. inside a cave that's warded off. And every week it spawned something and all that shit is trapped in there. So I can understand that you're afraid. So I think this is going to be like a journey. Yeah. You know, where you learn to like understand your anger and become more familiar with it.

Yeah. It's your choice whether you want to try to go there today or not. I don't necessarily think we need to open that can of worms. But if you want to, we can try to explore it. So now we come to another fork in the road, which is, mechanics of embosser syndrome we're exploring your anger let's do anger because that's the thing I'm most

afraid of why are you afraid of your anger I promised myself before I came on here that'd be honest completely and I'd listen to what you say there it is again what are you doing to yourself I don't know

so so so I don't okay go ahead and finish your thought I was just I was just gonna say that I don't know what the rules are and what can be talked about or anything because I don't know how it all happens. I just, I knew that before I came in here that I wanted, I wanted what help you had to offer.

Okay. And what I'm about to say, I haven't really set on stream before. I wouldn't say anything against TOS or anything that's illegal. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not going to say that, no. It's, it's just, I don't, it's something I did that was really bad, and I don't want people to think differently of me because of it, But if we're going to explore the anger, then we have to go to probably the moment I became afraid of it.

It was when I was 16 years old. And my mom had just come home from another drunken binge. And this was two weeks after she had almost killed me, my sister, and all my friends in a car accident. And all the, all the, you know, the back of my head got to the point where I couldn't hold it back anymore. And I, uh, I realized how strong I was then. I, uh, I got very angry. And it was over something so small and petty. Like it was, it was, uh, my mom wouldn't let me go to my friend's house.

She wouldn't give me a ride because she had a headache. and I knew she had a headache because she'd been out drinking such a petty thing to get this mad over but it was just the straw that broke the Campbell's back and it was I broke things

smashed the car broke windows shattered the door the neighbor that was our landlord tried to stop me a man 10 years 20 years my senior and I hurt him pretty bad.

We had two friends of the family that were there these two boys. One of them was two years, my junior. I hurt him pretty bad. His little brother was faster than me, though. I couldn't catch him. And what I remember, standing out on the road right in front of

where we were living, all I could remember was how good I felt and that terrified me afterwards. Because, you know, I thought that what I was doing was wrong, but every single part of myself told me it wasn't. And, you know, I was 16 young and nobody taught me anything. And I know now it's, you know, there are healthy ways to let out anger and catharsis and whatever that is, but

all I know is that at the moment, it felt good to the level that it, I never would feel like that again. Never. You never wanted to feel like that again? No. It was a, it was a, it was a, addictive power.

Like, it's a good thing that my father wasn't in the picture, at that time, because I probably wouldn't have stopped. The only thing that stopped me was when Carlos came back, and I saw how afraid he was with me. And that's when I decided that, without a doubt, I was going to join the military, and I was going to be taught how to control my aggression. And they did do that. They taught me the discipline so that I would never falter again, never let it out again.

And I also sought some therapy through my chaplain. while I was in there and they helped. It was more religious-oriented, but it did the job for a bit. And I got through it, and it hasn't happened since. But that's why. That's why I'm afraid of it. Good reason to be afraid? Because I wasn't even fully grown, man.

Do you have anger still within you? Yeah. But it doesn't get that. It doesn't get there anymore. I found ways to deal with it. What are you angry at? I mean, I guess a lot of things, but I honestly don't know. So, Jeremy, sometimes people suffer from depression.

And one way to look at depression is that it's anger directed against the self. Do you ever direct anger towards you? Yeah. How frequently? I mean, is that a big part of the anger that you allow yourself to feel? Well, I start to feel it towards somebody else, and I try to blame myself because I don't want to hurt someone else. I guess there's a part of me that doesn't believe it's my fault, but I make myself believe that it is. So that way it doesn't, I don't want to ever hurt anybody like that again. I can't

I can't ever let that happen again. I can get behind that and at the same time I think you're doing something kind of tricky to yourself, right? Yeah. So the solution that you found is to take everything that other people do wrong

and blame yourself instead. That certainly ain't going to help the imposter syndrome. Right? Because each insult that is done to you, suddenly you become the one at the fault. Yeah. And we see this a lot with people who like, frankly, we see this,

I mean, I see this a lot when I think about abuse of relationships or codependency, where, you know, it's, it's not his fault he hit me. It's my fault because I didn't do something and I made him angry. And in a weird way,

you know, I hear you blaming yourself in order to protect other people from your anger. And it's hard because, I think you seem to think that if you stop doing that, then what would happen? I don't know. It's, I, I, you know, the reason why I don't drink or, or do any, anything that inhibits my mental facilities. Because, you know, I understand that trying to control everything is bad.

but I suppose for better or worse It's the best way you know how Yeah I convinced myself that it was That it was better to suffer From trying to control everything too much Than the risk that would take If I gave up too much

Obviously Ideally it'd be the middle But I haven't found that yet Yeah I mean there you've got it bro Right you're not alone there Is that if you take the blame on all on yourself, then like, things in a sense become easy because then you're in

control, right? Because if it's all your fault, then you get to control the roll of the dice. Yeah. But I think this kind of comes back to like, now we see why you have the burden of responsibility. Because you are the dungeon master of your life. You're all powerful. And all things come down to you. And so no wonder you see a burden. The more people that you interact with, the bigger your groups get each of their responsibilities you take unto yourself. And it weighs you down because you're taking the responsibility of 36 people or 40 people. Yeah.

We haven't even talked about it. I don't know if you're in a romantic relationship or not or if you've got kids or anything like that. but I don't have any kids I've been with I've been with my fiancee for 11 years so I mean there's maybe a whole other conversation there about what that relationship is like

and how you feel about that how you relate to her I'm assuming it's a woman but yeah yeah no I say it's you know yeah Jeremy do you see a road for work from here? Well, I don't know why I think this way. Certainly, I have no precedent or,

or, or teacher from my childhood to have instilled this in me, but, at least not that I can remember. But I see my life getting better. Because if I'm completely honest, it is, it is bad, the imposter the syndrome, but all the other assets, like, facets of my life are getting better. I don't worry about, about, like, financial stuff anymore, or I don't worry that I'm wasting my time, you know, like, like, job, like, what's the way I look for there, like, I don't know what to call that. Like, I made a bad gamble with my career, I guess, you know. My family is doing better.

I helped my mom beat cancer. So that kind of stuff's kind of working out there. You know, it's my life is not as bad as it was. It has gotten better. So I have, so I guess the way forward here is, you know, seek some therapy that can help me, that can put the time in to unravel this wilderness to help me through it. But, I mean, I was taught something, one of the few positive things I was taught with my grandfather was that appreciate the water, not the fish you catch, what he told me.

And that really resonated with me. that the fact of the matter is, is I'm here. For so many people in my family haven't been anywhere near where I am, that I can help people, that I can not worry about money, that I can do something that I'm truly proud of. And it gives me hope that even though this voice is in my head, that it won't be there forever. And even if it is, then I'll find a way to make.

manage it because I believe in what I do. I think it makes the world a better place. So yeah, I guess that's... Yeah, so I think that sounds great. And I want to share a couple of kind of principles. So the

interesting thing is you're saying everything is getting better on the outside. You know, it's funny because mental health, like, so we're getting better at cancer, we're getting better at heart disease, and we're getting worse at mental health. Like, why? is that? So I think that this is something that, you know, people discovered in India a couple thousand years ago is that the better, the more we take care of things on the outside, the more that

internal problems begin to arise. And that if you look at like what a monk does, one of my teachers once told me that anything you accomplish in the material world is going to be easy mode compared to like anything you accomplish in the inner world. any task that you set your mind to accomplish outside of yourself is going to be easier than anything you do within yourself. And it's kind of weird, but there's like another really interesting kind of strange conundrum in the Eastern traditions, which is that, you know, in the ancient India, some people are familiar with the caste system. Are you familiar with that? There were like casts and... Yeah, somewhat.

Yeah, so just that... You're born into them. Exactly, right? So, like, there were four cats. So the highest cast is the Brahmin or the priest caste. Yeah. Below them are the chattrias or warriors or nobles. They're the kings.

The warrior caste, the leader caste. Below them are the merchants and below them are the laborers. And so the really funny thing is that if you look at all of the people who founded religions or are divine or attained enlightenment, call it whatever you want to. one is historical. They like basically started a religion, like Buddha, for example. Another way to think about them, so they're viewed as divine by some people.

But another way to think about it is they attained this like sort of superhuman state called enlightenment. The funny thing is that none of them are priests. It's kind of weird because they're the experts in meditation. All of the enlightened beings that come out of India, Buddha included, are kings. And so then it begs the question, why don't priests get enlightened if they're the experts on meditation?

And the answer is because you have to settle your material world to really fight the internal. It makes sense. And what happened with Buda is he won the game of life, right? Like you have a fulfilling career. It sounds like you've got a good relationship. Sounds like you're patching things up. And so imposter syndrome arises. there's a reason why imposter syndrome arises the most

the more successful you are, the more imposter syndrome gets worse. And I think it kind of speaks to this age-old principle of like material stuff is easy compared to internal stuff. And that may not be entirely true. And I think a lot of times, you know, people have very genuine outward circumstances. Case in 0.8-year-old you, 13-year-old, 16-year-old you. Yeah.

But I think that you've got to be careful because just because things in the outside world are getting better, I think they're getting better because you worked on them. And you have to work on this too. And I think a couple of things, I think if you want to see a therapist, that's fantastic. A couple of other. I don't know how to do it, really. Yeah. So we can teach you. Right.

That's what I'm here. Yeah. Yeah. So the first thing is to, I'd say, just be aware of what you're angry at. And I'd start with anger. And I think that there's a, have faith in the structures that you've put to control your anger.

I don't think that like exploring your anger is going to turn you into 16 year old you. Like you're just a different person. Right? Like you're like you failed your saving throw back then, but like your saving throws are like, you're just way better now. So you're, you're not going to. to be 16 again. You're just... The reason you feel like an imposter is because Arcadum is not entirely

you, but you're not entirely 16-year-old Jeremy either. You're both. Yeah. Right? So you're like, you're like a whole party of people. And there's one person who's been lagging behind and needs your help. So start by being aware of what you feel, and I'd start with anger. Seeing a therapist is, I think, a good thing. The second thing is, the second thing. The second thing, is that just like your grandfather said, appreciate the water, don't worry about the fish. And in that way, like, do the work

that you came here to do. And whether it serves as an escape for people or not, like, that's up to them. Yeah. Right? You're going to show up with your fishing rod and your bait and your tackle and your boat and you're going to sit there

and you're going to put your line into the water. Whether the fish bite or not is like, that's not up to you. Like, what what's yours to control is the preparation that you put in and the fact that you show up. But the second you start expecting those fish to bite, the second you beat yourself up for those fish not biting, which I think you do a lot. Yeah.

That's the problem. Right? So notice that. Notice that it's a very subtle threshold. And on the outside, it looks exactly the same. What, like the two people, one person who expects a fish to bite and one person who doesn't expect a fish to bite. On the outside, they look exactly the same.

It's just one of them is okay. Huh? One of them gets a pleasant surprise. Yep. And one of them at best meets their expectation. Yeah. So I think you've got to start sharing that

responsibility, man. It's not yours. And that too, I think you've described it really well. I think you've created a compensatory mechanism for yourself. which is like, I'm going to take the blame so that I don't have to be angry at other people. And so that's something you've really got to pay attention to. I think this is where really looking at your romantic relationship, which, you know, I think is going to be more,

could have a lot of, like I'm very say this, maladaptations to it in terms of, you know, you may be taking more of the blame than you should or maybe even like sometimes you lose. control a little bit with her, things like that, because it's just not tenable. Sometimes it's unfortunate, but sometimes we show the worst part of ourselves, or we give the worst part of ourselves to the people that we're closest to. Yeah. I have infinite patience with anyone I'm talking about on stream. Unfortunately, sometimes I'll, you know, get upset with my kids because they can be infuriating. And it doesn't make me, you know, a bad dad and it's something I work on, but like just be careful about the people that are closest to you.

Yeah. And the last thing is in terms of imposter syndrome, so now I'll explain just a little bit about it. So imposter syndrome tends to arise when our internal sense of worth is far outweighed by our external sense of worth. So when the world starts treating us like we're the hottest shit since sliced bread,

and we feel like we're nothing special, that's when imposter syndrome arises. So it's like, applying to medical school versus getting in. There's a huge difference, even though it's like a 24-hour period where one day you were applying and one day you get in. And so oddly enough,

what I've seen working with a couple of influencers and other people, basically the more successful you are, the more vulnerable you are to imposter syndrome. And that internal sense of self-worth, I don't know where you live now, but like spending some time with nature is a really, really good way. to get in touch with yourself.

I guess not really a lot going. Well, there's a park there. I can try that. Yeah. Are you in the U.S.? Yeah, I'm in Texas. Do you mind if I ask what part of Texas? Fort Worth, Saugano.

Yeah, so like there's got to be like, you know, I mean, they're like a ton of national parks in Texas. Yeah. You may have something that's like an hour away or something like that. I mean, I'd say go there. The weather in Texas is getting real nice now. Yeah, it is. And so, you know, I'd spend some time away from people and kind of like with yourself.

That's a good way to kind of think about it. The other thing about imposter syndrome is that, you know, I think lastly, like, Jeremy, you need to let that voice be there and don't try to beat the shit out of it. You know, like it's okay to have doubt about what you're capable of. Because like I want you to just think about that voice in a slightly different way. like that voice is scared. It's a representation of your doubt. It's a representation of your insecurity.

And when you, you know, when you tell your, like when, when Jeremy comes to Arcadum and says, hey, I'm afraid that we're not going to be able to do this. And Arcadam is like, sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up. Right? That's not, that's going to just make that voice come back later because you haven't done anything to address its fears. The right way to talk to that voice is, hey, man, I understand you're scared. And it's okay to be scared. And it may come crashing down around us.

And that's okay. All right. See, now there are feelings. Yeah. What are you feeling? A little sad, a little happy. I don't know, all of it, I guess. A little bit of everything.

What makes you sad? when I was speaking those words, what were you thinking about? How much suffering I've put myself through. If this works, then that's all I had to do, I guess. Be careful. Good. Be careful. It's not, that's not how it works.

So this is the crazy thing that happened. So this is how we hold ourselves back. This is subtle, okay? But pay a lot of attention to this. anytime we take a step forward you know what we do we blame ourselves for not taking it earlier we this is the way

it's funny you know I was talking at the beginning about how we're trying to like make more kind of discrete content on YouTube and like this is one of the pieces that I filmed this past week how we turn our successes into failures because anytime we take a step forward instead of being happy with ourselves, instead of being proud of ourselves, instead of giving ourselves a pat on the back, what have we conditioned ourselves to do?

Why didn't you do it earlier? Yeah. So we take what should be a success and we turn it into a failure. And no wonder we're stuck. Cut yourself some slack, Jeremy. It's a long road ahead. Learn to talk to yourself. See, even that is the same thing.

it's the same way that you talk to yourself. Don't talk to yourself like that. Instead of what you need to tell yourself is, hey, man, it's okay that we didn't learn this earlier. Right? Like, be the person that tells you. Like, I don't know if your dad ever told you stuff like this. Maybe your grandfather did.

But like you need to be like that, like the person that your dad should have been for yourself. Which is that, hey, man, you're going to learn at your own pace. Some people pick things up slow and some people pick things up fast. You'll get there in the end. It's so automatic you've got to be careful Yeah Okay

Last thing is meditation You're interested in learning meditation Sure If I can I'll try What do you mean if you can? I'm not very chill Who says you need to be chilled to meditate?

I guess I was wrong to say that I'm sorry I didn't mean the only No no no you're not wrong I'm just challenging your perception it's just because you sit still I said still why when you said meditation I thought of like sitting there and not doing anything

yeah so you're telling me you're not good at sitting there and not doing anything no no I am not okay so that's totally cool so we'll teach you a form of meditation that does not involve you sitting there and not doing anything okay sorry we were talking about monks

and then so I got in my head I was just gonna I don't just sit there and not just sit there not do anything. Yeah. So that's a reasonable, so that's why I challenged it, Jeremy, because that's a completely reasonable response. And this is one of the things that frankly infuriates me is that somewhere along the way we started to think that meditation was only one thing, which is that you have to be tranquil and you have to be still. Oh, fuck that. Okay. I'm going to blow my nose real quick. I encourage you to be the same, because I'm going to ask you to breathe. Okay. Okay. This is going to be kind of weird. Okay. All right. I want you to sit forward.

at the edge of your chair. Okay. And I want you to put your hands on your knees and kind of lean forward. Okay. Like you ever been sick to your stomach? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, like, you know, like when you're sick to your stomach and you're kind of like leaning over. Yeah, you're trying to figure out if you're going to throw up or not. Yep, yep. So that's the posture we're going to, yeah. Okay, so I want you guys to lean forward. You all can do this too.

I know it feels kind of weird. So now what we're going to do is I'm going to, I'm going to demonstrate, okay? So I'm going to put my head down. I'm going to let my head hang down. And then I'm going to breathe in, and I'm going to move my head up. And then as I exhale, I'm going to come back down. Okay.

Okay. We don't need to sit still. Okay, so head down and let your head hang. Just feel that for a second, okay? Just let your head really hang down. Sponsored by Audio Technica. And now breathe. So breathe in through your nose, big breath, and bring your head up.

And then down. Again. And out. Three more breaths at your own pace. You're done. Just let your head hang. Now we're going to do five more. Deep breath in, go.

And out. In, in, last one. In and out. Now we're going to do the last version. Now what we're going to do is we're going to use our back to. So I want you to hunt your back. And then as you breathe in,

you're going to move your head up and then you're going to raise your back. And then as we breathe out, we're going to compress and move our head down. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. So start from the, you know, curve your back, let your head hang and begin. Deep breath in and then out. In as your head comes up, straighten your back and then curve the other way all the way back and out again. breath in. Head is up, back straightens, back curves, head is all the way back, and out.

Head starts to curve forward, back starts to straighten, and then down, and then two more rounds. Now with this last round, really pay attention to the signals in your body. And now sit up straight when you're done. How do you feel? Yeah, pretty good, actually. Yeah, you got to get... Got to get that. So, Jeremy, your emotion is going to be locked up not only in your mind, but in your body. So you got to get that body moving. It's not just exercise. So overwhelming evidence suggests that mind-body practices are superior to exercise when it comes to physical and mental health. Even things like arthritis, Tai Chi is superior to exercise. And it's not just to exercise. And it's not just to exercise. and it's not just about what you do with your body,

it's about what you do with your mind. And if you don't like to sit still, don't sit still. What were you thinking about or what was your mind doing or focusing on when you were doing the practice? Nothing. There you go. Who's bad at meditation now, my dude? Right?

Yeah. That's the point. To enter a no mind state. Because the more time we spend in a no-mind state, imposter syndrome can't exist there. Literally. It's thoughts, it's emotions. And the more that you focus on the sensations in your body, when you open yourself up, when you start to channel your brana and clean it out. Okay.

I see what you mean. So for you, it's not so much about meditating for enlightenment. It's really about balancing your brahna or your vital life force. What's the, uh, what's that clad? Kenshin. Kenshin is the 2E class, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Because you're like Kenshin exercises. It's nice to talk with a fellow boomer who understands 2E, because I think 2E is the best system, man. Oh, man. Oh, it's so good. See, here's the interesting thing. Everyone thinks, like, nowadays everyone's, like, caught up in balance.

And, like, Tu'i wasn't balanced at all, but back in the day, it wasn't about balance. It was about flavor. Yeah Haste aged you a year Yeah Dude those are the days right Like that shit

So good Yeah Every time you cast haste You get aged for a year Feels bad man But that's the price You gotta pay I'm human

Shit I'm elf Nice Yeah That system was so broken Man It was so ridiculous Being a bard

You had to be Three classes Leveled at the same time Yeah Pout Like a prestige class Good stuff.

No, Paladin, there was no such thing as a prestige class until you, dude. Well, dual class is way to get, because that came out in a... Yeah, dual class was O-P, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Most O-P you can get. Because humans could switch to a class, and then everybody else had to take it off. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Humans were so O-P. Stupid cheaty humans and do whatever they want. Yep. Yeah, man. They lived 40 years. Yeah, cool, dude. So you run 5E games or what?

Oh, I mean, I, I, uh, I've ran everything. I, I've, I've, at first. But right now I run heavily homebrewed fifth edition games. Okay. Like, it's, um, and I run it in a custom setting that I've worked on for most of 2013, so 18 years now. Wow. And, yeah.

Oh, it's, it's definitely my life's work. It's awesome. That's great, man. I'm so happy about it. It's... Fifth Edition is a great system for accessibility, but it lacks complexity to kind of hold players in and to give them depth.

So what I did was, is I, like, tried to... I, like, tried to augment that missing piece and add it through story elements. And it's really been working out, I think, pretty good. The system still limits the size of my sandbox, but I can at least build high. so it's pretty good. Yeah, that's cool, man.

Well, listen, dude, like, best of luck to you. Thanks a lot for coming on. You know, good luck with this journey, man, because I think you, you know, you don't deserve to treat yourself this way for much longer. You've got to be free from this, man. Thanks.

Thanks for all your help. You're very welcome, man. Good luck to you. Really did help. I hope so, man. take care yeah all right

see you later