HealthyGamerGG - Is It Toxic To Hold Your Parents Accountable?

Episode Date: February 2, 2023

💔Holding your parents accountable for past wrongs - is it toxic or necessary for healing? 🧠 Join Dr. K as he explores this complex topic. Tune in to gain insight and tools for navigating the challenges of family dynamics. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're looking for accountability. You're looking for them to own it. But if that involves them experiencing some amount of guilt which they can't handle, they're going to keep on playing these victim cards, these hardening cards, these wall cards, like whatever they need to do to avoid that guilt. Hello, Sarasaswan Mangau Prasad here. If you want to get control of your life and understand how the mind works, check out a DIY guide to mental health.

The link is in description, huh? I want to talk to you all today about holding parents accountable. So we all kind of know that like everyone's either got daddy issues or mommy issues, right? We all sort of know that like in some way our parents are not going to be perfect and they may have screwed us up in some kind of way. And so as we go through life, we'll start to discover particular things. Like, oh, actually the way that I raised wasn't normal. Wait, so you mean that it's actually not healthy to cook and clean every single day and plan a Thanksgiving dinner for like 15? people and for one person to do that, I did not realize that. Or you may discover that it's not normal

to bottle all of your emotions up and then throw temper tantrums. Right, there are going to be all kinds of things as we grow up and as we learn about ourselves that we sort of realize that, hey, actually, like, my parent has something to do with this. And sometimes as we discover the amount of trauma that our parents may have put us through, what we're really looking for is some kind of healing or closure. And frequently what that means is holding our parents accountable. But when we try to do that, it doesn't seem to work out well, right? So on the one hand, sometimes what parents will do is they'll be really slippery. They'll be like, what are you talking about? No, like, that's completely normal. Like that's, you know, I didn't, I didn't, there's nothing wrong with what I did. Sometimes they'll

even deny it happen. They'll be like, no, no, no, I wasn't like that. I was there for you every single day. I put food on the table. I did this. I did this. Sometimes they'll justify things, right? They won't necessarily disagree or deny it, but they'll say that they kind of did the best that they could, which is sort of like interesting, right? Because if someone says, I did the best that I could, they're sort of excusing it, right? They're sort of saying like, hey, like, what's in the past, I didn't know any better. I'm kind of sorry about that. And it doesn't feel like you're actually getting healing or closure or accountability. I did the best that I could. And sometimes what they'll even do is apologize. And they'll say, yeah, I'm so sorry. Yeah, I'm so sorry for that.

It's in the past. There's nothing I can do to change it. So, you know, I'm sorry. That's That's what you needed to hear, right? So I said, I'm sorry. Aren't you, aren't you good now? Aren't we, aren't we fine? Like, you said I did this thing. I said, I'm sorry. So it's in the past. It's behind us. So we're like done, right? So like, right? Isn't that what you need? And sometimes they'll even apologize. But the apology feels like flat. And sometimes they'll even use this one. He's increasingly common. I'm sorry that you feel that way. I'm sorry that you feel that way. Well, hold on a second. Does that mean you actually screwed up or didn't screw up or what? No, no, no, I'm sorry that you feel that way. I'm sorry that your feelings are bent out of shape.

Like, I'm sorry that your feelings. It's your feeling. I'm not, I'm not sorry for anything I did. That's absurd. Are you kidding? No, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry that you feel that way. I'm sorry that you misinterpreted this whole situation

and didn't understand the sacrifices I made for you and all this other kind of crap and that you're bent out of shape, even though I did a great job as a parent and I gave you everything you should ask for. I don't understand why you could possibly be upset. Oh, that's right. My child is upset with me and these like millennial kids, these gens ears, they need parents to apologize. So I'm sorry that you.

feel that way. I'm supposed to talk about feelings, right? So I'm going to toss that in there. But I'm not actually going to take any accountability for what I did as a parent. That's what we're actually faced with. And so what do we do about this, right? How do we actually get some kind of accountability from our parents? So this is kind of bizarre, but what we actually have to do is start by being a little bit empathic. So what I mean by empathy is not we're going to give him a pass. What really empathy means is to be able to understand or feel what someone else is feeling. So if we want to understand how to hold our parents accountable, we have to understand their experience of things first. Okay? So let's start with this. Imagine that you are a parent

and your child comes to you and says, parent, I as child have these struggles because you taught me this lesson which has screwed up my life in a particular way. Now, as a parent, what do you think the child is looking for? Right? Like it's kind of weird. Hey, the last five relationships, I've, I've gotten dumped because of a particular relationship pattern that I saw you and dad or mom, like the two you all were doing and I learned that pattern, I internalize that pattern, it's caused me problems in life. Child comes to you. Imagine you're the parent. What are you supposed to do in that situation? You can't really go back and fix it. Maybe you want to apologize, so you'll say, I'm sorry, but like, what is the child really looking for? Are they looking for you to like rewrite history? Because

you can't do that. Are they looking for you to change? Like, what are they actually looking for? One of the things that you can do is a child to increase your success of accountability is make it clear what you are looking for. Right. So are you looking for an apology? Are you looking for understanding? Are you looking for help? Are you looking for them to pay for therapy? Are you looking for a conversation?

Are you looking for them to listen to you? Because frequently what happens is that when you present your parent with something like this, they get so damn defensive that they can't even hear what you're saying. And all you really need for them is to listen because you know it's in the past. You're not expecting them to invent a time traveling machine, go back and fix it. So I know it sounds kind of weird, but if you really put yourself in your parents' shoes, one of the biggest mistakes that I see kids make when they try to hold their parents accountable is that they themselves are not able to articulate what accountability means. So the first thing that you should do is kind of sit down and really think about what are you looking for?

Are you looking for them to understand? Are you looking for an apology? Are you looking for help? You know, what are you actually looking for? And really articulate that to yourself so that you can articulate it to your parent. And let's kind of think about this in a non-parent child situation. Let's talk about work for a second.

So if someone comes to you and says, hey, you're screwing up at work, and then you say, okay, in what way, what should I do about it? Like, that kind of criticism isn't actually helpful unless it's constructive. And what does constructive mean? That means that when someone comes to you

and points out something that you're doing wrong, that you're actually, like they also point out like some kind of corrective action. Now, in some way, this is unfair on the kid because the whole point to the parent-child relationship is that the child should not be responsible for parenting the parent and telling them how to do better, right? That's actually the parent's responsibility. And the truth of the matter is that's just unfair to y'all, but this is unfortunately what it sort of means to have a parent-child relationship is that on some level, you're going to have to accept some responsibility for guiding them and sharing with them what you're looking for. So even if you successfully do that,

there's another problem that arises. So now we're going to move on to point number two, which is that you really need to think and understand how your parents handle guilt. And this is what really drives a lot of kids up the wall, is that we don't really think about this, even if we decide what we're looking for as an apology. I want apology and please help me pay for therapy. Or I want you to apologize and I want you to come with me to family therapy or whatever. Let's say you figure out what you want. And then you approach your parent. And this is where we have to honestly put our sociopaths hat on a little bit. So this goes one step beyond empathy and really trying to think about, okay, how does my parent handle guilt?

Because if my parent is bad at handling guilt, like, that conversation is not going to go well. So if you go up to your parent and you say, hey, you kind of messed up in this way and I've had to struggle with this, if the parent feels guilty and they don't handle that guilt in a positive way, you're going to see all kinds of negative behaviors emerge. So parents, well, at the beginning, they could deny it, right? They could say like, oh, like, you know, that didn't really happen. And why are they denying it? It's because if it didn't happen, then I don't need to feel guilty. And the second thing that they can kind of do, so sometimes to avoid the guilt, what they're going to actually do is deny the premise.

Oh, it didn't really happen that way. Another thing that they can do, so sometimes what they can do when they start to feel guilty because you're criticizing them is deny the preemis. It didn't really happen that way. You're not remembering properly, like whatever, whatever, whatever, right? Because if nothing bad happened, then I don't need to feel guilty and it's actually your problem. which is so damn frustrating as a kid. The second thing that they can actually do, which is a little bit more insidious,

is sometimes they can actually play the victim. And if your parent is not really good at handling guilt or accountability, this is like oftentimes a trump card that they will use. And they'll sort of play the victim. So either they'll turn it back on you. You were such a difficult child or something like that, which is incredibly toxic. Or what they'll do is absolve themselves of responsibility due to circumstances. And this is where I did the best that I could.

oh, you know, it was hard time and this happened and this happened and this happened, which can actually be true and there is some perspective to that. But if you really look at it, that's very emotionally unsatisfying, right? Because sometimes what playing the victim actually does, even if there's some truth to the circumstances, when they play that card, what they're ignoring is what control they did have. So let's say that your parent, the economy was bad and they did have to work extra long shifts. That's totally fine. So you can give them a pass on that.

but oftentimes what parents will do if they have trouble with guilt is they'll use the victim guard to absolve themselves of all responsibility. So even though you had to work extra long shifts or you had to work two jobs, that doesn't excuse why you didn't show up for my birthday or why you went to the bar every opportunity that you got or any manner of other things. So this is something that you have to be really careful about is that there may be some truth there, but sometimes parents who don't know how to handle guilt will play the victim card, they'll talk about circumstances, I did the best that I could, and thereby what they'll

sort of do is absolve themselves of all responsibility, not just the excusable responsibility. Another thing that can happen when parents feel really guilty is that they can kind of harden up. So instead of actually engaging you with conversation, they'll kind of become really flat. They'll be like, yeah, you're right. I'm sorry, I did the best that I could. You're right. I'm a bad parent. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. So they kind of harden. They don't really know how to engage with you. And if you kind of think about it, what's happening there is they can't tolerate the guilt. So what they're going to do is they're just going to like, I'm going to put up a wall. The wall is going to be here and I'm not going to feel that guilt. I will give you what you want. What do you want? Apology? Here it is. Totally fine. Take it. Take the apology. Now it's done, right? I don't

need the wall anymore. We're past it. I don't need to feel the guilt. So it's kind of interesting because sometimes what happens with kids is it's very frustrating because if your parents put up a wall and they don't actually engage with their guilt, what that sort of means is that the apology that you get is cold and remorseless. They don't actually. feel the remorse because the remorse is so uncomfortable, which in turn makes their apology feel kind of fake. So this is the third thing that parents can do. So what does this mean for you as a child? I think it's kind of unfair, but you really have to think about what does your parent do? Because if what you're looking for is closure and you put them in a situation

where they can't handle the guilt, you're just going to get frustrated and they're just going to get frustrated because you're looking for remorse. You're looking for accountability. You're looking for them to own it. But if that involves them experiencing some amount of guilt, which they can't handle, they're going to keep on playing these victim cards, these hardening cards, these wall cards, like, whatever they need to do to avoid that guilt. So as a kid, I think it's kind of frustrating, but like you really have to think a little bit about this and more to prevent your own frustration, which kind of gets us to the next point, which is to really acknowledge that as a human being, you can't really ever hold another human being

accountable. So if you're like a court of law, like sure, you can hold a human being accountable, but within a relationship, you can't force accountability on another person. And this is what's so difficult about dealing with parents is that we want accountability from them, but that accountability really they have to pick up. We can set boundaries. We can punish them. We can limit contact. We can go low contact or no contact or all these kinds of things. But that also is not enforcing accountability on someone. That's just what you control. right? So that's okay. But for you to really think about and understand that in order for you to really get the closure that you want, they are going to need to hold the accountability. They are going to

need to pick it up themselves. And so this is why we talk a little bit about how to smooth things along to encourage accountability on your parents' part. So the first thing, once again, is to articulate what exactly you're looking for from your parent, for you to understand what you're looking for. And sometimes you can even make a really interesting discovery, which is what you're actually looking for is something that is impossible for them to provide. Sometimes as children, what we're actually looking for, where we are emotionally. We actually want them to go back in time and erase this part of our lives. We don't want to live the life that we are living in now. We don't want to live with the consequences of their actions. And I know it sounds kind of bizarre,

but even if what you're looking for from them is impossible, if you vocalize, that and they hear that and both of y'all can agree man this really screwed you up and it sounds like it's very very very difficult for you to like live life in a healthy way because of my actions or because of this upbringing and I wish I could actually go back in time and change it and it sounds like that's actually what you need to be fixed is to go back in time I don't know how to do that and then this is where you as a child you can kind of own that as well and you can say I don't know how you can do that either, and then you can actually get some kind of healing or closure. This is why it starts with you really understanding and articulating to them what you're looking

for. It also requires some amount of understanding how they react to guilt. And so you know what to anticipate in terms of their reactions. Because oftentimes what kids will do is once they have that reaction, once the parent has that reaction, the kid feels frustrated and then we bludge in them. right as they harden and they give us a cold apology we don't actually feel satisfied so we escalate as we escalate no like that's not enough you don't understand we'll say these kinds of things they feel guiltier as they feel guiltier they put up the walls more as they put up the walls more they apologize harder and with less remorse cold apology cold apology coldest apology and then the cycle repeats which is why this is so frustrating so if the end which you've got to really

realizes that some of this has to come from them. You can try to smooth the path as much as you want. You can try to make things easy for them. You can try to avoid pitfalls. But at some point, you actually have to give them the responsibility. You have to make your case. Then you have to say, look, mom or dad, this is the best that I can do. I need you to kind of step up and help me make this right. I need you to kind of figure out and help us. We need to work on this together. So this is the way that I feel this is what my experience was. I'm happy to listen to your recollection of the events, but this doesn't feel

complete to me. And if the parent is like, what do you want me to do, what do you want me to do? It's good for you to articulate, but it's not your job to 100% figure out what they're supposed to do to make things right. Because sometimes what we'll do is we'll tell them, I need you to do A, B, and C, and they'll do

A, B, and C, but they won't do it with the right kind of feeling. They won't actually apologize with remorse, so it feels unsatisfying to us. So you can't really hold someone else accountable. And the third thing that I'd kind of say is encourage them to take responsibility. Say, hey, I don't know exactly what I want you to do. I need you to help me figure out how to move forward from here. I need your help with this because this is a relationship. Unfortunately, even if you do these three things, it may not necessarily work. And honestly, a lot of this stuff

is really unfair to kids. But I've worked with a lot of parents. I've worked with a lot of kids. I also have my own relationship with my parents and my own relationship with my kids. I have friends and family who I've helped in this way. And unfortunately, it's not fair that you need to do this. But if you're looking for accountability from your parents, I think this seems to be the best way to actually get it. This optimizes your chances of success by being very clear about what you're looking for, by really anticipating what are the pitfalls that will prevent my parent from engaging in this conversation. How can I sort of understand their guilt and understand what to expect and maybe not try in that way?

And the last thing is that ultimately accountability from your parents is not forced by you. It's not like you have all the power and you're forcing accountability. It's actually a shared relationship where they need to accept responsibility. In order for them to accept responsibility, you have to give them the space to accept responsibility instead of forcing it on them. Because if you're forcing it, you're really the one that's responsible, if that kind of makes sense. So I know it's really challenging, but I really hope that this kind of mechanism or this paradigm will help you foster a healthier sense of closure or healing with your parents.