HealthyGamerGG - It Has to Get Better, Right?

Episode Date: July 13, 2022

Dr. K dives into feeling like nothing is getting better, having hope, and moving forward in life! Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Your mind, especially when it's hopeless, is not a very good predictor of the future. Does that make sense? Hello. Hi. How are you? Right now, I'm happy to be here. But generally, I've been feeling hopeless and lost. Oh, my goodness.

Can you start by telling me how you go by or how I should refer to you? um lea is fine lea yeah so i'm so sorry to hear that lea that you've been feeling hopeless and did you say directionless yes yeah can you tell me a little bit about that um well i was doing well for a bit um i just and then i don't know like even like monday i was like really doing well and hopeful and then just it was like every day something terrible happened and I'm back at a place of hopelessness and like I don't I can't see the future basically um that sounds awful yeah well can you help me understand a little bit when you were feeling hopeful on Monday how long had you been hopeful because you said um it was like building up and then well

actually um I think it was building up and it was just like a full day or two just like you know things are going to be really good actually. And I was telling my friends, like, I think things are going to get better for all of us, you know. And then it definitely didn't. Like, you know. Yeah. Can you tell me, can I ask you a couple questions about that? Yeah.

So what, so it sounds like you had a string of bad stuff happened to you. Yeah. Can you share, do you feel comfortable sharing like what happened? Um, I can try. Okay. Um. I had people close to me experience, like, huge loss. Okay.

And then my family as well. I experienced a huge loss of my family, like, back in January, and I hadn't really gone back more than a few times. And I went back this past week and to look through the estate stuff. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Yeah. And then I had, like, you know, my very close friends lose people.

And I won't tell their, you know, stuff. But it was like a big deal. But, yeah. If I'm hearing. Yeah, go ahead. Sorry. Oh, I was just going to keep going. Yeah, keep going.

Oh, my God. There's more. I experienced, you know, like a rejection, you know. So that was hard. But it was like I was feeling really positive about it. But then I think with all these other stuff, I was like, oh, I don't know if I can handle this, you know. Sure. And rejection and in sort of a.

personal way or professional way or what? One specifically was like romantic. Okay. In other ways I'm also job hunting, you know, so that's like the whole thing. But it was like a very close friend of mine that I have feelings for it. And I was like, you know, obviously usually I would be fine, you know, I think. But I think with everything else. Yeah.

It just became kind of unbearable, and it was like everything in my, like, every section of my life felt painted and just bad. Yeah, I mean, it sounds like you can't catch a break in like any dimension. It sounds like your friends are going through a lot, your family is going through a lot, you're going through a lot. And it also sounds like there's like actual literal like death involved. Yeah. And then, of course, the nail on the head was like, you know, Friday or whatever when the Roe v. way stuff happened. It was like, wow, I feel completely powerless, like, in anything, you know, because I am a woman in the U.S. and it's just, you know, it's terrifying.

Yeah. When you said, I'm a woman in the U.S., my instinctive response was my condolences, which is such an absurd thing to say. So I just laughed a little bit there. I didn't, sometimes I laugh arguably inappropriately when people are offered. It's okay. I've been like laughing this whole time like out of nervous. So like it. Yeah. So I mean, Lay, it sounds like I mean, can I just think for a second?

Because that that's. Yeah. So I, you know, my first thought is when people call in, presumably I'm supposed to be able to help them in some way. Right? Like that's why people call in is that we're here to help. The first thing that I want to say is that I don't know exactly what we're going to be able to do for you, but oddly enough, I'm not hopeless with you.

But I can absolutely see how this is not something that can be fixed with a bit of advice or some kind of like, you know, revelation. Like sometimes when people struggle in our community, I think it's because they're doing something wrong, right? So either we'll get a particular thought. that takes control of our mind, or we'll have like a cognitive bias, or, you know, we're spending too much time on the internet or things like that. Whereas in your situation, I genuinely feel like, I mean, this is, you know, a lot of this stuff has really has nothing to do with your choices. And I can totally understand how it feels hopeless because it's not like you're doing anything wrong. Does that make sense? Yeah. How do you feel about that?

You know, it's just that hopeless feeling. I do want to say, like, your work has helped me a lot, and I just appreciate that generally. Even if you feel like you don't have, like, revelations right now, but like the past few months, it's been very helpful. Can you help me understand that a little bit? What's been helpful? You did this interview, I think, with, I can't find it. I think it was with misgift, but it was like. And a meditation where, like, you could feel your, the you higher than you, like, pulling your thoughts back, basically.

I don't know. This is, sorry if this is, like, completely irrelevant. But it was, like, a huge thing for me because it helped me realize, like, soul. Like, there is a soul. Like, I don't know. It was a huge spiritual thing for me. And it's part of, like, what keeps me going right now. Lay, I'd love to hear more about that.

Are you comfortable talking about that for a little bit? Yeah, if it's okay, we talk about spiritual stuff, I don't, I mean, I assume it is, but. Yeah. I mean, because I think in a situation like this when we can't bring people back from the dead and we can't make people fall in love with you. Yeah. You know, I think I'd love to hear a little bit about that practice and what you sort of experienced and what you've learned from it. Yeah. I mean, I believe, I don't fully know my beliefs.

or like what to label them or anything. But I know, like, I believe in, I think I believe in souls and, like, reincarnation and stuff like that. So I find myself being like, well, if you do just quit now, you're just going back into it. Like, I don't know. Like, I might as well try to make the most of this body and life and everything. I don't know. Okay.

Yeah. So I actually, Lea, I really appreciate your perspective because I think sometimes, we start with beliefs. You know, we say like, this is what I believe. But what I really hear from you is that you're figuring it out. Like, kind of like one sort of painful step at a time. Which is exactly how kind of I, in a sense, quote, quote, figured it out for myself. It was like, it's really confusing.

But I really found that meditation helped me have a couple of foundational experiences that then helped me like organize my life. And if you're open to it, I'd love to try to facilitate that process for you. Yeah. So tell me a little bit about when you did that practice. What did you experience? Not sure how to describe it, but it was like, I just remember feeling like completely shocked. Like, I don't know, just come. Not shocked, but like, it was just mind blowing. Like, that experience is like I just felt in touch with myself on such a level. I don't know. Yeah.

So let me ask. That's great. So I think I understand what you mean. And I know it's kind of weird. So like there's there's the you, right? So the you involves like a body and a mind. And hopelessness happens within the body and the mind. Does that make sense?

Yeah. And what you experienced. in that moment of like knowing yourself, was that within the mind or outside of the mind? It felt outside. Well, I guess like knowing that I was knowing my mind was in my, not my mind, but myself was in my mind. But like the actual event was past it, you know? Yeah.

So what I'm hearing is that you had some kind of experience that was, we use the word sometimes transcendent. Does that make sense? So it's kind of beyond mind. And then later, your mind. made sense of it. Yeah, yeah. Right?

So the way that you put together your beliefs, beliefs happen within the mind, but then, you know, these experiences happen outside of it. So, and this is where, do you mind if I ask how old you are? I'm 21. Okay. And this is the kind of thing where, like, you know, I'd sort of say that you've had a lot of bad stuff happen to you. and it can be very common for your mind to feel hopeless. Does that make sense?

Yeah. But I also think, I know it's kind of weird, but like I think that your mind, especially when it's hopeless, is not a very good predictor of the future. Does that make sense? Probably true. What do you think about that?

You're more than welcome to disagree. Um, I mean, it makes sense. It's just like one of those places, you know, where like, I haven't talked to any of my friends about it because I know like anything they say is not going to touch it, you know? What do you mean by that? It is just like if they're going to try to say positive things and I just know I'm in a space where like it's not going to resonate, you know. Yeah. Even if like objectively I can say that the hopelessness probably isn't. definitive actually of like what's going to happen.

I don't know. Yep. Yeah. So let's talk about that for a second. So objectively, it may not be accurate, but it feels overwhelming. Yeah. Right? The objectivity of the situation doesn't friggin' matter.

Yeah. What's, how do you understand that? I don't know how to make like. make myself come back to the surface, I guess, you know. Yeah. So, so that sounds like you're drowning. I feel like it. Yeah.

So, you know, I think, Lea, my heart goes out to you. It genuinely does. I'm hopeful for you and I don't expect you to be hopeful for yourself. And I think that's okay. do you think about that? Yeah. So how did you come to start hoping for stuff on Monday? I just felt like, I think I had, I just feel like things were going to get better or like

I saw good things could happen, nothing specific, just like, I think good things are going to happen from now on, you know, or something good will happen. Yeah, you'll catch a break. So things were looking up. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And oddly enough, that's probably what made all these different challenges so much worse. Probably, yeah.

Right? Because you were foolish enough to hope for a few days. And look at where it got you, Leia. Where did it get you? Yeah. So this is what I'd say. First thing, Leah, is I'm really, really happy that you were able to do some meditation and you were able to have this transcendent experience. I would encourage you to continue meditating.

Are you able to do that, do you think? Technically, yes. I'm sorry, do you say mentally yes? Technically, yes. This is one of those things where you've got to do it. Yeah, so it's a really good point, right? So I think sometimes, so this is the tricky thing about meditation is that oftentimes we meditate for something. The problem is that if you're meditating for something, you'll open it up to feelings of hopelessness.

I don't know if that sort of makes sense. Because if I'm meditating for a purpose and then I start to believe that that purpose isn't possible, then the hopelessness will infect the meditative practice. Like having expectations? Yeah, not expectations. Yeah. But like if I meditate, let's say I'm meditating to help with my ADHD. And then if I start meditating and my ADHD doesn't get better, what happens to my motivation for meditating?

Right. Cripples. Absolutely. What a great word. Criples, right? So I know it sounds kind of weird, but I think that like being able to meditate in spite of not having any reason is going to be a really important step forward for you. Because I think the main thing here is going to be the more that you can ground yourself in that transcendent experience. And it'll come again if you keep at it. If it happened to you once, like whatever happened in your brain can absolutely happen again.

and I think that that place will be a source of strength for you. So that place can sort of help you understand that like the hopelessness in your mind is completely valid and also may not be correct. Does that make sense? Yeah. The other thing to consider is that, you know, some of what you're feeling is probably like honestly like a natural consequence of what you're, you've been through. So as you take like emotional critical hit, do you play games? Yeah. So as you get emotionally critically hit again and again and again, you're going to be like, you know, your health bars flashing like your character has like some debuffs and things like that.

And that's like basically it sounds like the state that you're in right now. Is that how it feels? Yeah. And so the kind of weird thing is the good news is that in a weird way, I think time is actually like on your side because I just don't think statistically this kind of crap is going to keep happening to you. I feel like it has my whole life, but I get what you mean. Yeah, tell me about that. So maybe I'm wrong. I don't know.

I just feel like I've always been going through, like, traumatic events or, like, obviously not, like, the worst tragic traumatic events you could go through. But, like, you know, it's still bad. So it just feels like I never catch a break, you know? Or like I do for like those two days and then it's like, oh, reality check. I don't know. Yeah, so that's where one of two possibilities is there. One is that you're just genuinely screwed in terms of karma.

The other thing to consider, though, is that the mind's ability to notice the good and notice the bad can be adjusted. So sometimes, like, there are people who will have, like, you know, one good thing happen and one bad thing happen. It's kind of like, if you think about, like, you know, if I take a test and I answer 89 questions right and 11 questions wrong, all everyone focuses on is the 11 questions I got wrong. Does that make sense? Yeah. Do you think you could be doing that? I mean, there is joy in the little things. You know.

Okay. So I'm hearing, I'm hearing no. So, so, so that's what I'm hearing there, Leah, is there's joy in the little things, but there's crap in the big ones. I know. Yeah, that, that sounds, that sounds bad, dude. Yeah. I mean, I'm just, I just feel like I'm surviving.

And, like, I mean, I have my cat. And, like, that's like. Yeah. So what I'm hearing is that you, you've got consolation prizes, but you don't have, like, the real prizes. not yet help me understand the yet in that statement

I feel like I'm always thinking like at some point there's got to be it's got to get better at some point yeah something's got to give basically yeah I for what it's worth I agree with that I know it can be hard to hold on to that hope

when you're kind of getting fatty crit after fatty crit right and left And I really applaud essentially your resilience, like, because it's not easy to even hold on to that much hope. And it's actually okay to feel hopeless from time to time. From what, for what it's worth, I do think that like, carmically, like, you know, your life should get better at some point. But it sounds tough. What do you do to sort of, how do you manage these kinds of feelings?

Right now I'm isolating, which is bad. but probably this is like the I mean it's been a few days now I just haven't talked to anyone about so talking to you is like oh I don't know other than that

I've been trying to do art but okay so I'm hearing that all the stuff that you should be doing right like oh like oh Leah you're feeling bad about yourself paint a picture and do some art there meditate. Leia, do all of the things and pull yourself out of the darkness with all of your effort. Yeah, exactly.

I'm eating and sleeping and... Yeah. I... I don't know. It's okay to get owned for a little while. You know, for what it's worth, I'm glad you called in today. How do you feel about that? Yeah, I am too.

It's just... I didn't expect to be here or talking to you. Like, I don't know, it was like I was wanting someone to tell me good things and I don't know. It's just crazy. What are you getting from this conversation? Am I telling you good things? Not, I mean, kind of. You're saying that you're hopeful and it is just crazy because I, the, you know, I've been listening to your podcast like every day for like,

a couple months or a few months, so it's just surreal, you know. Yeah, so I don't know if, like, talking to me right now is like, is good luck or bad luck? Like, I don't know if this is like positive karma in the sense that, oh, you get to talk to Dr. K and maybe this is a lucky break for you. Or it's like actually like bad RNG because I can't tell you something to magically fix your life. So you got to talk to talk to Dr. K. And even that didn't turn everything around. Oh, like, which is it?

I don't expect you to turn everything around. And I don't mean lucky in like a weird way, just that someone who's helped me so much with, like, feeling hope in the past and like you're here now. And it does make me feel like hopeful. You know, I don't know if this makes sense. You know, I don't quite get it, but I don't know that I need to. I'm sorry. No, seriously. I think the important thing is that, you know, so here's what I'm.

I'm here's what I'm hearing from you later. First of all, like you've had a really crappy week, basically, where there's like national stuff that is is really, really concerning for your future and the autonomy of your body. That's bad enough. There was a romantic rejection, which is also bad. Sounds like stuff on the job front isn't going ideal. And it sounds like friends and family have recently dealt with death that you kind of got like front and center, right when you went home. And so you're kind of getting like bodied on all sides. And I think that like, you know, it's kind of interesting because feeling hopeless in a

situation like this is actually like pretty normal. Yeah. And and I think you've sort of retreated into yourself and you're kind of like hibernating, which is also okay. And I'm really, really glad that you probably stepped out of your comfort zone a little bit and decided to come here today and talk about it a little bit. Like, I see you making, taking steps forward. Does that make sense?

Yeah. So I'm sorry I can't fix everything for you. I really wish I could. I wish I could give you a hug. That would, that's really what I think you need more than anything else right now. And also, like, there are things that I'm, I'm really kind of hopeful about, which is sort of weird.

I know that in terms of my spiritual understanding, like, suffering was a huge, huge part of forcing me to, like, look at my life and really figure out what was important to me and, like, what I cared about, as well as sort of understanding, like, how to influence my mind and stuff. Like, and I sort of see that in your path as well, that you sort of had this medicine. experience and now you're going through all of this crap and like it's hard for me to describe in any other way but what gives me hope is that people have transcendent transcend transcend transcend transcendental experiences in meditation and then go through a bunch of crap are the ones that

actually do the best like three to five years out interesting I've seen that pattern time and time and time again and there's probably like some kind of bias there because you know I'm a psychiatrist. So sometimes the people that come to me are really in despair. And then they sort of have this transcendent, transcendent experience. And then, like, I think now is the time, Leah, where you've really got to figure out, and you don't have to do this all at once. But, like, what life is? Like, what does it mean to exist? What does it mean? Like, what part of you is real? What's your body? What's your mind? What's your soul? And then hopefully through that process, you'll also begin to understand, like, the influence.

of karma, karma on this cycle that you're kind of going through and things like that. In terms of like these are all things that if you believe in the theory of karma and reincarnation, this is sort of like you're paying off all of your bad debts. And this is what's really, really challenging for a lot of people is they think that like, you know, paying off a debt sucks definitely because you put in time and effort and then you don't get anything for it, you know. But it doesn't continue forever. What continues forever is if you continue making bad decisions.

Right. What do you think about all that random crap I just threw your way? I mean, it makes me wonder, you know, because I've thought a lot or tried to think about like karma and like, you know, are all these things because of, I don't know, just why, you know? Good. I think that's, that's, I don't really understand. Yeah. So oddly enough, like, that makes me hopeful for you. Because like to be 21 and to ask why, and here's the thing that I want you to really think about. Like if you were, if your life was like completely average, you would not be asking why with the desperation that you are. Does that make sense? Yeah. If it doesn't, let me know. Oh, it does. I just, yeah. So, and this is what makes me hopeful is that that desperation is absolutely necessary for true spiritual growth. Like, Buddha had that desperation.

He was asking why. His situation was a little bit luckier than yours in the sense that he had everything. And it sounds like in some ways you've got nothing. Although I think you've got a lot, actually. So it sounds like you have family, you've got a cat, you've got friends who care about you. You have us here at the HG community, right? So, and I think as you continue to ask that why, and then like the other thing I'd say is like start taking care of yourself, maybe a little bit better. It's fine to have, you know, isolate for a little while.

But like, I want you to really think a little bit about concretely, like what you can manage in terms of like, you know, taking a walk or meditating. Like, what do you think you can do despite the fact that you're feeling pretty down and hopeless? Yeah. Is there something you think you can do, like in terms of taking care of yourself or supporting your body or mind a little bit better? I don't know. So I feel like I'm doing trying to, I mean, probably like talking to my friends. Okay. Would be good.

Or like when I get a new job, it would be easier. I don't know. What makes it hard to do those things, get a new job or talk to your friends? Oh, the friends thing is like, because I've been feeling this such intense, heavy feeling, I don't want them to feel responsible for, like, how I feel or what I do, you know? I don't want them to feel like they have to fix things for me or anything. Okay. Because I know, like I said, I know, like, it is at such a level that I know if they try,

it's going to just pull them into my hopelessness, I feel. or like. It sounds like you care about your friends a lot and you're almost trying to protect them from you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What do you think about that?

Yeah. I don't know. It's tough. I know they're going through so much. And I feel like my feeling this way is just going to pull them down, you know. What do you think they would say about that? They would want me to talk to them, but. I just don't see it being productive sometimes.

Okay. So as someone who's had a transcendent experience, you don't see it as being productive. What is the you in that sentence? My mind. And how much can you trust your mind right now? Not very much, I guess. Wow.

So, Lay, I'll give you one, do you want to explain the wow? Just like realizing over and over like I can't really trust my thoughts at the moment. Yeah, but

which is pretty cool because your recognition that you can't trust your thoughts is like pretty neat, right? So you can sort of trust them. Yeah. You just, yeah, right? It's like, no, no, no, you can't trust your mind.

Therefore you can't trust the conclusion that you can't trust your mind. So, so. Yeah. So this is, Leah, this is how purification of the mind works. Right. So like a tiny part of your mind just got purified. And this is where like, this is where I kind of say that this, you know, your life has given you good karma and negative karma.

And it's your friend's karma to deal with your crap. And I want you to go into that interaction. So first of all, I want you to reach out to your friends. Secondly, I want you to reach out to your friends mentally prepared. for what's going to happen. You're going to feel guilty. Agreed? Yeah.

They're going to try to help you. Are they going to problem solve, validate, or both? Both. So when they problem solve, what is your mind going to do to the problem solving? Resist it. Which is okay. And when they validate, what is your mind going to do? I don't know.

I just feel like, okay. So your mind may resist that, too. Yeah, in a way. Right. Or just be indifferent to it, kind of. Yeah. So let yourself be loved by your friends, right? And if you feel guilty because they're helping you, first of all, they signed up for that crap when they decided to be your friend.

So that's part of their karma. And also, this is the kind of thing where I want you to accept their help and also pay it back. Yeah. Right. So we've got two options to be carmically neutral. One is that they don't help you and you don't help them, or they help you and you help them. Yeah. And this is the kind of thing where what I see in society today is that like, we all need each other's help.

Yeah. So are you getting help through this conversation? I think so. Are you helping other people through this conversation? Potentially. I feel like there's a lot of. lot of hopelessness in the world right now. Yeah.

People probably relate to that. I think you're helping people a lot. What do you think about that? That makes me like cry. Yeah, I'm crying. I'm tearing up too. I don't know what's what's going on. I don't know.

Can I ask you a question? Sure. Spiritually. They're not bad tears. I'm just surprised. Oh, my God. Okay, go ahead. Are you okay, Dr. Kennedy?

Do you need to talk about it? Yeah, I know, I'm talking about it. I can feel my feelings. Sorry. You had a question? Yeah, so, like, so the spiritual stuff, I don't know where to go with it, basically.

Like, I recognize, like, I have a soul in that, you know, there's probably all, I mean, karma and stuff, but, like, I don't know where to go with it. that. It's a great question. So here are a couple things that I'd recommend. The first is that you continue practicing. So like ultimately, like the most important thing is going to be your experience because when you like experience things in meditation, that's like the core of the knowledge.

But there's also another component, which is I think what you're asking about, which is like, how do you make sense of what happens to you in meditation? Is that what you're kind of looking for? Yeah. Yeah. So I'd say there are two things you should do. One is you should try to find a Sangha, so a community of some kind. So see if like I, you know, I'm not going to ask you where you live in the United States,

you know, because doxing and all that. But so like there's got to be some kind of like meditation center, community, temple, like whatever in your area. like even in the most, you know, I'm from Texas and like Texas is not very in a sense pro meditation, but there's a ton of meditation stuff like all over the U.S. now. So I know it's going to feel kind of like anxiety provoking, but I would just go to one of those places or call one of those places and say, hey, I'm interested in learning more about meditation. Do you all have like lectures or like whatever?

So you can go to just any place and start getting exposure. And that's where basically your karma will. sort of like set you up for this kind of stuff where you may find, you know, a couple places in your area. Try a couple and just go there and just see if you like the vibe. Yeah. The other thing that you can do is, is read. So I think, you know, like a lot of good meditation teachers that are introductory,

like Alan Watts is really good. There's also like, you can sort of read like a commentary on Patanjali's Yoga Sutras. It's a little bit, in a sense, advanced because there's a lot of like esoteric concepts in there. But I like the Bhagwad Gita by Ekna Tishwaran is like a very, very good introductory concept, introductory book for Western people, like who don't like sort of didn't grow up with this culture. That's a real generally speaking regarded as a religious text from the Hindu tradition. So if that rubs you the wrong way, you don't have to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to

to spell that. That's totally fine. I think tech teller's going to hook you up with both of those. Okay. Thank you so much. I'd start with, you know, a couple of books and then and then actually try to go like hang out with people who meditate. And they probably will have like lectures and stuff. Thank you so much. That's really helpful. You're very welcome, Leah. Okay. We have a visitor. Okay. Avi, Daddy's working, sweetie. Oh, oh. You're so hungry? Okay. Sweetie.

Okay. Sweet. You can't be. What? Okay. I think I'm going to have to go for a second. So I'm going to say goodbye to you. Okay.

Okay. Do you want to say hi to Leah? Hello. Leah's feeling sad. Oh. Because she had some bad stuff happened to her. How? What do we do for people who are feeling sad?

You don't know? Okay, we'll talk about it. Lay, excuse me for a moment, but good luck to you, okay? Thank you so much. I have to go put with this child. Aw. Okay. Well, all right, come on.

Oh, my gosh. That's so cute.