HealthyGamerGG - Mitch Jones

Episode Date: February 17, 2020

Dr. K talks with Mitch Jones Stream Schedule: https://www.twitch.tv/healthygamer_gg Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Wait, my camera's like flickering. Okay, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm like, I'm definitely really nervous. Okay. But I'm also excited at the same time because I've really never spoken to, like someone who is qualified ever, you know, so that's cool. Okay. Well, so help me understand what you're nervous about.

Well, I don't know, man. A lot of things, a lot of things. Just more so, like, I know like these type of situations will definitely make me vulnerable, right? And it's like being vulnerable is, uh, it's kind of scary, you know? Absolutely. Dude, being vulnerable is terrifying. Yeah. For sure. And when you say these kinds of situations, what, what is that, what, what helped me understand? I don't know, just talking, talking to someone like truthfully, rather than it just being like some, you know, like, uh, like most time I stream is more of just like, uh, it's a show,

you know? It's like, we're just having fun, content, whatever. But this is like a, a, like a more real setting, if that makes sense, even though there is still Twitch chat spamming, you know, Capas and stuff. So yeah. I'm allowed to swear as well, right? Yeah, I think so. Okay, like, if you don't want me to, if you want, I'm just asking you, like,

how you want the setting to be, you know, am I allowed to, like, be, uh, I'm very, uh, I like to swear, so I'm just, I'm just, yeah, I think if you want to swear, that's okay, man. Okay, cool fuck. All right, we're good. All right. So, um, can you, you said you haven't talked to someone who is, Like you've never spoken to a professional about your feelings.

Is that what you mean? Yeah, I've never really spoken to anyone, man. Well, I've spoken to, like, friends and stuff, obviously. Like, I have friends that know me pretty well, but I definitely have never spoken to a professional before. And there, well, that's not true. One time I did speak to or tried to speak to a psychologist, like two years ago. But I remember they were having a very hard time relating to anything I was really saying. I was trying to, like, help them understand, like, my life and, like, what's, like, bothering me.

like my job and Twitch chat and all this and like getting you know getting backlash and hate and all these things and they can't like it's almost like when you get like a boomer therapist they just don't they don't quite understand any of those like dynamics right so they pretty much just say hey yo take this pill you'll be good you know so that's like is that what the psychologist said uh well mostly everyone i've gone to is tried to put me on some type of some type of like drug yeah like whether it be uh SSRIs or for depression anxiety just like random shit like you know whatever is do are you depressed or anxious? Well, I've definitely had my, uh, I've definitely had my run-ins with anxiety and depression.

Definitely, 100%. I used to be very, very anxious, but, uh, recently it's been better. It's definitely been better recently. Okay. What's been better recently? What's, what's changed? Well, I don't know. I moved to Austin like, uh, eight months ago. Wait, is, is my camera flickering for you? Is that just my side? It's, it looks good to me, man. Okay, that's just my side. Okay, so I moved to Austin eight months ago, right? I was like doing this, uh, I did this whole streamer house with a bunch of, with a bunch of streamers. There was like a lot of girls. We had like a big mansion or whatever and we were all streaming.

Everything was going good. I don't know. It's like when I'm streaming and like when I'm like like popping off on Twitch, it almost feels as though my problems like it's like I'm distracting myself from my own mind and I'm just like grinding if that makes sense. But then as soon as I ditch and the camera's off and I'm just Mitch and whatever, David in the mirror, then I have to like truly see myself for who I am. And it's like I have a lot of baggage inside that just.

like sits there, you know? And like, sure. I, I haven't really found a good way of releasing those things, even though I've been looking for those, uh, looking for those releases, like, uh, for a long time now, you know? I took like a year off Twitch like two years ago to just kind of try and find myself and all I really found was a bunch of pain and I was just like super fucked up. And I kept trying all these like weird diets. Like I was like the skinniest, like I lost so much weight and I was just trying all this crazy shit to see how if I could like fix my mind or whatever. And it's just like, I don't know. I feel like, go ahead. Sorry. No, I mean, it sounds like you've got a lot to say, man. Keep going.

Oh, trust me, man. There is a, yes, there's a lot to talk about. Help me understand. So help me understand when you, when the cameras often, you look in the mirror and you see this guy, David is your name. That's you? Yeah, yeah. My name is, yeah. My birth name is David, yeah. Okay. So when you see David, tell me what you see in the mirror. Well, you know, I just see a man who's been literally like trying so hard. to just like play this like Twitch like weird circus game for like 10 years you know I've been doing this forever right

like I've been on Twitch before it was like a YouTube cloud chasing reacting shithole that it is today you know I feel like Twitch like seven years ago was actually just gamers chilling and it was way different now than this like cloud chasing boomer or whatever zoomer fucking platform that's become and not only that not only the zoomers infiltrating it's also gotten a lot more strict right since Amazon and all that bought it out blah blah blah

Like, you know, it was kind of like the Wild West back in the day. You could just like do your thing and like that was it, you know? And it's just, it's changed a lot. So tell me what you see when you look in the mirror. Oh, when I look in the mirror, I see a broken human being that has been living a persona for 10 years. And to like, I've always been real and tried to be real with my viewers. But that also like, I think opens me up to a lot of scrutiny. And truthfully, like, I think that I'm very fucking broken of a human.

but I like I don't really like to show well I do show that part of me but nobody really wants to listen to that right like nobody wants to go like listen to somebody bitching about their broken self you know what about you is broken pretty much everything my identity like I've everything I've done is been a fucking lie man like that's how I view it anyway right like like cool I was famous I was making hell of money like whatever right like I had some hot girls like I did all the things that you would think would make you feel like like like complete or whatever the fuck, but truly I felt so dead inside and like I still like, um, I don't know. Like, I just still feel that way. But I know that like I can't really let that person win. Like I kind of just have to keep going on with the circus, you know? Wait, hold on, but how is that strategy working for you so far? You know, I really don't, I really don't know. I really don't know, man. Sounds like it sounds like grinding is not working for you. But like I have no other option, you know? Like, if I don't make Twitch work, like, I'm truly screwed. So, yeah, man. So, so I don't think that, I don't think you have to quit Twitch. I'm just saying

that it sounds like you're not taking care of yourself. So it sounds like, like, you're thinking in terms of black and white. Like, either you, you quit Twitch and then that means that, like, this, the other part of you wins. Or you keep doing what you're doing. Like, it seems like very, like, black and white to me. Yeah, that's kind of, I'm, that's just, that's how I am. I'm kind of like all or nothing, you know? Yeah. I've always been that way. What do you think about that?

I don't know. I think that that's just like hardwired in me. Like I'm either in or I'm out, you know? Like I can't do this like, like, what do you call it when you're like good at everything? Like you're good at balance. I'm terrible with that. Like I'm pretty much just like in one thing and that's all I think about and I just grind that forever or I'm out and I'm doing something else, right?

Like balance something I suck at like keeping a schedule maintaining like. If you suck at something, what is that? what does that mean for you? Like, does that, is, you're just, you are this way, you're hardwired, it's, it's not possible to change, or is it like, help me understand? Well, it could be possible to change. I've, I've, I've definitely tried. I swear.

It sounds like you tried a lot. Oh, I've tried so hard, so fucking hard, man. Like, I swear, there's something wrong with me. I have, like, an action deficit disorder where, like, I cannot act on the things that I understand. Because, like, a lot of people think that I'm just, like, stupid. But, like, I kind of understand most social dynamics and, like, like, the things I need to do, I understand them. It just, it's very hard for me to act on those things. And, like, I don't know.

No matter how hard I want to do it, I just have trouble doing it, you know? And I beat myself up over it. It's so hard. Okay, buddy. Now we're getting somewhere, okay? So if you want to do something and you're unable to do it, how the fuck does that work? I don't know. You tell me, I have no idea. Like, what do you think, man?

Like, so if I have an intention, if I'm a human being and I have an intention, what are the things that influence my behavior, right? So if I want to do something, like, let's say I want to get out of bed in the morning, what are the things that influence whether I get out of bed? Because what happens is sometimes it sounds like your behaviors are not aligned with your intentions. That is very true, yes. And recently I've tried to, like, I have this thing where like one day I'll wake up and I'm like, all right, I'm going to fix it all, right? And then I'll like go hard for a month and I'll really like be normal. Like I'll be really making progress toward my life for like one month. And then something happens and I'm just, I'm just off.

And I lose all progress. That is that is a terrible strategy, my friend. So let me, because I think what you're doing is, so I think you're using, you're just using vast reserves of willpower to overcome things within you. and then you just run out of steam. Oh, yeah, no, the burnout is real, 100%. Yeah. Yeah, so like burnout is not a sustainable way to change your life, right? Like, like, you're overcoming stuff in order to try to, is, I mean, you're using a lot of this, like, language, like, grind.

Right? Like, so grinding to me is just, like, streaming every day and trying to, like, you know, be a good streamer, you know? Yeah, yeah. So you just, you just use, like, vast amounts of just willpower and raw energy. to overcome whatever kind of like tornado of shit is going on inside you. Oh yeah, yeah. I like to just push all of that away and just focus on the goal, you know? Yeah.

So I don't think that that's like, I think that strategy can be very successful, but I think it's going to leave you tortured and broken. Well, I've been that way my whole life, so I really don't know what it's like to be whole and not broken. Like, truthfully, like, and I'm not saying that to like, you know, boohoo me, but like I have had a weird, a weird life. Like I've had a great life, but also a weird life. Where do you want me to start? I don't know.

Well, there's a lot. There's truly a lot. Like, there's a lot of things that we could talk about, man. Like, I don't know if you know the history of, like, Twitch. Tell me about you. About me and my Twitch stuff or like me, just me. Just tell me about you, you. Okay, well, I'm a dude.

I was born in Baltimore, Maryland. Okay. Yeah, I'm 27 years old now, so I'm, you know, getting to the late bloomer stages. I went to, I have like a weird family situation, very strange family situation. My mother was diagnosed with brain cancer when I was like 16, and she had like a stroke and multiple surgeries, and she's like paralyzed on her left side. And, you know, it's done. Sounds scary. Oh, it's been the worst thing ever because my mom was truly like the one person that

actually loved me for like who I am. You know what I mean? Like I truly loved my mom unconditionally and I pretty much lost her like eight years ago. Like lost her mentally. She's still doing great in fighting cancer, but she lost a huge piece of herself because they had to remove like I think it was like 20% of her frontal cortex to keep her alive. So she lost like a lot of her personality and a lot. You know what I mean?

Like it's almost like an Alzheimer's thing. Like we don't remember. She's just not, she's not all there anymore. All there. Yeah, all there anymore. Yeah. And I've had to watch her deteriorate over the last like eight years or so. What does that do to someone?

Oh, it's killed me, honestly, because I've had nowhere to turn. Like my father has always been kind of like a hard ass. Like my dad's like a very successful like lawyer, businessman, whatever. Like he's just been that kind of guy. Like he's sending me to private school my whole life. Like I've been spoiled in that regard, like money. and whatever. Like, I come from a pretty wealthy family.

But my dad never gave me, like, the... Like, he never filled the shoes of my mom, if that makes sense. Sure, of course. Yeah. He never did. And I never felt, like, me and my dad have never, like, hugged or said, I love you or any of that. Like, there's none of that. Like, I don't feel like I have that relationship with my father.

And I don't feel like I've ever had that relationship with my father. And there's actually some really deep things that I could get into about, about, like, like, there's a lot of fucked up things that have gone on in my family. but honestly, I don't want to, like, air that on the internet. If you wanted to, like, talk, like, privately about that, that's show. Yeah, just talk about whatever you're comfortable with, man. Yeah, yeah, no, I mean, I'm normally comfortable with telling, uh, I'm normally comfortable with, like, talking openly.

I just don't want to, like, say some, you know what I mean, but. But yeah, yeah, so that, that's pretty much my family situation. I have a brother as well. I have a brother, yeah, I have a brother. Yeah, he, uh, he was, uh, he has, uh, Asperger syndrome. Uh, he's, like, uh, pretty autistic. And he was also born with a face, um, um, deformation, like he, his jaw never grew properly, so it grew, like, very crooked.

And he used to get, like, made fun of in school and, like, older or younger? He's an older brother, older brother. Yeah. And he's, he's very different, very different, you know, like, I mean, you've met people with autism, right? Like, they're, they have very trouble, like, a lot of trouble socially. And, uh, my brother's very smart, honestly. Like, he's very good at art.

He used to kick my ass and halo back in the day, like, like, like, straight. He was just amazing at everything he did. like and uh it just sucks that he when my mom got sick he never really got that support anymore and he kind of went down the deep end and he now lives in like assisted living and and i feel really bad for him man like i really do i feel really bad for him uh the last time i saw him i think he's doing okay but let's just say if i had if if i was actually good enough to get my shit together and i didn't really lose everything that i had going for me i probably would have like you know taking care of him and maybe my mom as well which is a lot of burden for me but i felt like that

was the right play and I truly regret that I fucked up this whole Twitch thing because I really could have been in a position to help my family and I feel like I let that uh I just fucked up man for my own selfish reasons because I wanted to you know whatever fuck around and be an idiot you know no I don't what does that mean it means that I got so carried away in this shit when I could have just looked at it as a means to help my family instead I looked at it as a means to feed my own ego and you know date hot girls and whatever, spend a lot of money on shit I don't need, and you know what I mean, like that kind of stuff. Like, meet a bunch of fake friends that tell me I'm cruel and really, they don't give a fuck

and they just, you know, whatever they wanted was just not. So you blame yourself for that? Oh, 100% I blame myself for that. I'm stupid. It's not that I'm even stupid. It's that I was being selfish and I always knew the right play. And it's just, it's easier said than done, you know? Yeah, so help me understand that.

I'm a little bit confused. If it's easier said than done, then why so much blame? Because I could have done it, man, you know? Why do you think that? Why do I think I could have done it? Yeah. Because I could have. I know I could have.

I could have actually made Twitch a positive thing for me and helped my family and, you know, been a support. I could have done that. But how do you think that? I just think I could have done it. I understand. I understand you think you could have done it. That much is clear to me.

What I'm understanding is where did you get the idea that you could have done that? I don't know. I guess when I thought about it long enough, I realized I was chasing the wrong things. And maybe I couldn't have done it. Maybe I need to go through the shit that I went through or something. Yeah, I mean, I was just about to say because it sounds like, you know, you spent some time reflecting and thinking about the choices you made. Like I said, a year ago, a year ago, I learned a lot of year ago. Like I said, I stopped, I stopped streaming and I actually moved in with my mom for a while.

And I was just like there taking care of her. And I was living a very slow life for a while. Like I pretty much took a step back from all of Twitch, all of that for a long time. And I was like doing like I was meditating every day. I was trying all these new diets. I was doing whatever I could to fix my broken self, like straight up. I was trying everything. You name it.

I was on the internet constant like self improvement, blah, blah, blah, blah. like meditation, exercise, a sleep schedule, this, that, eat these vegetables, you'll be good. Eat this fucking multivitamin, you'll be good, right? And I just realized that, like, there's so much deep down pain inside of myself that to get to that sense of like enlightenment and feeling light and free, it's going to take years and years and years of work, in my opinion, which I really don't have right now because, quite frankly, like, I put myself in a position where I'm pretty much screwed unless I continue to grind.

Like, you know, I recently... It's going to take years and years and years for you to be... So you can be fixed. Let's start there. I can be fixed, but what I would need is a stress-free environment where I can actually work on myself, right? That's one way to do it, but I think that too is once again, you're black and white thinking. Right? So you think that fixing yourself is a full-time job that you can't do anything else during.

Either you're grinding or you're fixing yourself. Yeah. What do you think about that? True. I think that I wish I could balance things, man. I really do. Yeah, so if someone doesn't know how to balance things, what do we do for them? Like, so let's say that I'm working with a 15-year-old kid who has trouble balancing playing games and like studying. Tell them to stop playing games, right? Do you think that works?

Well, I mean, if they're not going to be the next ninja, they should probably quit anyway, right? Yeah, I mean, do you think that that's, that's, do you think, that's, do you think, that's an effective way to teach them. I mean, I would tell my kid, like, if they're going to, like, try to be as good as they possibly can be at the game and make a career out of it, fuck it, keep playing. But if you're just playing to, like, jerk off, then, like, stop. Like, that's how, that's how I would make it to my kid, honestly. I completely, that makes a lot of sense to me, because that is exactly the way that you approach life, right? So it's like black and white, it's either or.

It's like either you be the next ninja or you fucking stop. There's no middle ground. Well, not even the next ninja. I mean, shit, I'd be cool with my son being a shroud, you know? Like, I mean, anything, you know, I'm just, I'm just messing around. But yeah, like, I think black and white like that, yeah. Like, I wouldn't, it's just, it's like if you're not going to make something of it, why waste your time doing it?

Like, you know? Yeah. I mean, I think that's a good question. Why do something if you're not going to be the best? Yeah, and a lot of people do. No, I'm actually asking you. Well, I don't know. the thing is like, why do something if you don't want to be, I guess for fun, right?

Sure. Yeah, it's enjoyable. I'm not saying everything has to be. I'm just saying people should have their main focus and they should really focus on that. And that should be what they love doing, right? So like, if you love video games, I truly think that you should strive to be the best at what you love and try and make something out of it. So you don't have to do the other shitty things in life and you can actually work on your passion. and someday that might actually make you,

you know, you can make a career out of it, right? Like, I think it's a good plan. Like, doing what you love, and trying to make a career out of it. That's why I would tell my son, like if he wants to play games, then play, but be better than everyone else, you know?

Okay, so I'm a little bit confused. Like, does, so if I, if I have, you know, so I am careful about how my kids spend time in front of the screen. And so when I try to teach them as some degree of restraint, So I don't tell them that they have to, you know, I tell them that you have to do the things that you have to do. And then you can also spend some time doing fun stuff, but that it's not like an either or that you can actually do both. What do you think about that? Like what if what if like your 15 year old comes home and then studies for a couple of hours and does their homework?

And between 6 and 8 p.m, they get to like play whatever they want to. And then after bed, if they've been a good kid, they get to play for a couple more hours. What do you think about that? I mean, if they're, yeah, they're 15, they're growing up. They're living life. they're playing with their friends. I think that's fine, right? But like, you know, I think as people get older, they need to really zone in on what they want to do, you know? Like, rather than, like, dicking around and, like, doing things for fun, I feel like that kind of ends at some point.

It definitely did for me, you know? Like, I used to skateboard and, like, do all these things for fun or whatever, but I knew that they weren't leading anywhere, right? Like, like, I used to play fucking league for fun, and I would play in Silver fucking 2. And it's just like, it was never going to get me anywhere. I'm never going to be an LCS league player Nobody's ever going to watch my stream When I play league, right? So like, why the fuck am I wasting my time? Why do you have to be somewhere?

Why do you have to be somewhere? So like, I don't know Because like for some reason It's something deep inside of me just like earns For this like acceptance and like Like just doing something And like making something of myself, right? Like I don't know, something deep inside me

feels as though I've failed And like I have to do something more, you know? Yeah, so let's just pause for a second now we're getting somewhere, right? So understand that a lot of your worldview is being informed by this thing. Doesn't mean it's fucking logical. Doesn't mean it's rational. You have a sense that you need to accomplish something. And the older you get, the greater that sense grows. The more behind you feel, the more you need to make up for lost time. Right? The more, the less time you have to take care of yourself and the harder you need to grind because something within you says that

Mitch is not good enough. Yeah. Something definitely says that inside of myself for sure. Have you ever been able to satisfy it? No. Well, actually, for like maybe like one or two weeks at a time, like let's say I had some crazy stream, right, like 20,000 viewers and made a lot of money or whatever. I feel like if I could keep that going and like I could like make like a living for myself. Mitch? Mitch? Pause for a second. Okay. I know what you're going to say. So just think about this. Okay, so you have something within you that even if you knock it out of the park for a week or two and you make a ton of money and everyone really loves it, that just sets a whole new bar.

You can't be satisfied with it. You feel satisfied for like one week and then the hunger returns. Yeah, yeah, I guess that's true. So what do you think about living a life that is structured around this hunger inside you that you have told? told me has never really been satisfied. Like, it would be satisfied temporarily, but then it all goes back to the same shit. And I truly think, I truly think that the reason it's not satisfied is not because I never got, like, where I wanted to get. It's because I never continued.

Like, it's almost like this, right? Like, I would get to where I want to be, and then I would quit. And I would get to where I want to be, and then I would quit. And then I get to where I want to be, and then I quit. I never consistently stayed there. Like, I've had so many opportunities had I have just stayed consistent. to be, you know, one of the biggest streamers on the platform, like, years ago, you know, like, in 2014 and shit. And I would just, like, take it for granted.

And I would just play league with my, with my stoner friend all day. And I would just say, like, fuck it. Like, I've already, I don't know. Like, I just never had the willpower to stay consistent, you know? Yeah, that's because willpower is not how people are consistent. Willpower is not how people are consistent. So I think you're adopting a losing strategy. Because you have, you, so I want you to try to do something, Mitch.

This is going to be hard, okay? I want you to try to look at your thoughts the way that I see them. So you have a really good reason to believe all the things that you want to, that you believe. They're very logical, but I want you to try to look at them from the outside. Okay? So I am hearing that you have something within you that feels like you're not good enough, and that is what really motivates you to success. It motivates you to grind, right?

Yes, but can I elaborate a bit? Yeah, sure. I think that why I don't feel good enough is because I've let so many opportunities go. You know what I mean? It's the fact that I could be somewhere if I just wasn't so goddamn stupid. That's what bothers me the most. It's not that I, you know, it's not that I'm like, oh, I need to be successful. It's that I had the opportunity and I fucked it up 10 times in a row.

It bothers me so much. Yeah, so why do people fuck up good things? I don't know. Why did I fuck it up? Because I thought it would be there forever. I thought I was good. You know, I thought, I didn't see it at the time. What do you think about someone who blames themselves for something that they don't understand?

They're lost. Sure. Do you think they're deserving of blame if they don't understand what the fuck is going on? Yeah. Really? Yeah, because I think everyone can, it depends on the situation, obviously. But I think you can get to a place where you understand, right? Like just saying I don't understand is like almost playing like dumb, right?

Sure. But do you understand? At this point I do. Understand the mistakes I made in the past. Yeah, I do. I don't think you do. I don't think you understand yourself at all because you're telling you that you have opportunity after opportunity after opportunity and you squander it and squander it.

Yes. And you don't seem like a stupid person to me. So I think that there is, there are large tectonic forces within you that cause. you to do things that you beat yourself up for but you don't understand why the fuck you how you work like it's yeah that's true i've always noticed that i've always had that yeah that's true you blame yourself for not understanding it's like it's like you know you don't understand why this why david isn't functioning properly but you sure as hell will blame yourself for it even though you don't understand so it's like like i i mean what if you like but that that's dumb i don't think

you can blame yourself, like you can blame yourself if you understand what's actually happening. I think it's dumb to blame yourself if you don't understand, you know, it's like if this is going to sound kind of completely crazy, but you know, like, so kids blame themselves for stupid shit all the time and it's not their fault. Like they'll blame themselves for like really crazy things like their parents getting cancer. Somehow kids will like, they don't understand how things work, but that doesn't stop them from blaming themselves. Does that make sense to you? That makes perfect sense. Yeah. See, that was an analogy I understood. I got, yeah, that makes perfect sense.

I don't know, I don't know how I can relate that to myself. Like, I'm not, you know, I can relate it as a tad to myself. But I truly think that my problems were created by me, not by cancer or something out of my control, you know? Yeah. So if you can control them, why aren't you? Well, I'm working on taking steps to doing that. I think I think I wasn't self-aware enough to. Why don't you give yourself any slack for that?

That's what I don't understand. Like, I see a guy who's- I just don't. I don't know. I just don't. So that's got to change, my friend. And also, it doesn't help that Twitch chat reminds me every fucking day. You know what I mean? Like they, Twitch chat is very, you know, they are.

I mean, they're very like, whatever. And they're going to remind me of all my fuckups. So like, I have to be aware of them. I have to like soak in that for a while. I don't think you understand what your fuckups really are. Because I think all you see is. Oh, I could tell you all of them. No, no.

So I'm sure Twitch chat could too. I'm sure that you can point to lots of things externally. about your life that you think you made mistakes about. But I don't think you're appreciating that a human being has all kinds of forces within them that cause them to do things that they don't understand. Like when I see someone who screws up time and time and time again, I don't think that the person is deficient because generally speaking, I think most human beings are like not just dumb and crappy at life.

I think that there are real psychological, spiritual, whatever you want to call it. there are forces within you that shape your behavior which most people are ignorant to i agree with that 100%. It's almost like there's like two people or something right there's like you and then there's there's that like drive that like makes you you know whatever yeah so so i think you're trying to live life like you're trying to drive a car but you're blind you're like driving blind and you're like how do i see perfect that's the question i would like to see so it's it starts with it starts with this, okay? Okay. So when you sets your, so actually, let me just think for a second. How can I just answer it for you?

Let's start with this. How long have you felt like you're a failure? Um, ever since probably like 2016. That's when it got really bad. That's when it got really bad. Tell me when it started. It started around that time, honestly. Before all of that shit, I really didn't even think about life the way I think about it now. Like, how did you think about that? I used to just like wake up, play World of Warcraft, shit on everyone, and go to bed. And I was completely content with that life. I loved every second of it.

And I truly didn't think the way I think now. I really didn't have any. I didn't think I was a failure if I lost the game. I would just be like, okay, I'm going to shit on them tomorrow, whatever. You know, like, I never had that attitude of like, I fucked up everything, you know. That only really really started after, like, Twitch. How old were you when you were playing World of Warcraft like that? well I played from like 18 to like 23 I'd say like pretty religiously and that's also how I became like a streamer on Twitch was

Can you tell me a little bit about what middle school was like for you? Oh middle school was amazing man I literally love middle school every one oh middle school is fucking great dude I have so many stories I probably can't say here but yeah like let's just say I was pretty cool in middle school and I had a very good social life I wasn't the best in school but like I had just started you know experimenting with like women you know my penis started working etc and like it was it was nice okay so you you had fun and you didn't think you were a failure and you felt good about yourself yes yes yes i i felt great about myself in middle school but this was also when my mom was still good you know yeah so tell me about high school high school was uh okay so my my my freshman year i was kind

of like uh transitioning uh i actually went to an all guys uh high school uh i had to it was like a private school had to wear like a tie every day it was very strict school right and that was different than what i was used to so i'd like a uniform and all dudes and blah blah and my dad really wanted me to succeed you know like my dad's always been giving me this like hard-ass attitude like you have to make something of yourself like you know like so my freshman year i was really focused and i would try my best to like you know be on time do all my school work i actually did pretty well my freshman and sophomore year and then my sophomore year i think he was happy yeah i really think that was the time in my life where my dad was probably the most, like, proud of me.

Yeah. You know, I was playing sports. How did that feel? I mean, it felt as though I was living, uh, I was living to please my father, you know? Like it didn't, it's not like a grind. I particularly, I didn't particularly enjoy doing those things, you know, like I didn't feel like a grind. Yeah, it did.

It felt like every day, you know, like school was, my school I went to was, was hard, man. Like, it was, it was a difficult school. And my first two years, I was doing very, very well. And then my mother got sick, my sophomore year, or like the end of my sophomore year. Can we just pause for a second? But I want to just understand what was going on within you during your freshman and sophomore years. So it sounds like you were working really hard. You were also delaying a lot of gratification.

Yes. You were being very conscientious and diligent. Yes. you were grinding. Yeah, grinding. What happened to the fun middle school kid? I just, I had to grow. Like, my dad made me know, like, I remember the summer going into my, into high school.

My dad told me, like, shit's going to be different. You need to focus. Like, you have to make something. You have to do this. Like, I want you to go to a good college. Like, you need to focus. This is a very important time in your life. And my dad instilled that in me, like, super heavily in that summer.

What did he instill? Just the fact that I had to stop. you know, because in middle school, I'm going to be honest, my grades were trash. Like, I was just, I was having a good time. Sure. And I didn't really care about school. I was kind of just like doing my thing and whatever, you know, making friends having a good time. And then my dad told me that's not going to fly anymore.

Like, you can't keep doing that. Like, you have to buckle down. When he said that to you, do you remember how you felt? I felt as though I had to, I really, I really accepted it. You know, I felt as though I had to change. I remember thinking about it. Do you feel good about yourself? honestly it didn't really matter to me anyway like like i didn't feel any type of way i was more of

just like i liked doing i would have rather have jerked off and dicked around and trust me later on in high school i started doing that but like sure um yeah like it didn't it didn't i was just happy that i was making my dad proud that made that did that did make me feel good you know yeah so you you you enjoyed you enjoyed making him proud you also did it feel like you were kind of getting your like did what he said sort of sink in with you like you felt like okay I'm kind of a little bit of a fuck up. So maybe I do need to get my shit in gear. Yeah.

Oh, I definitely. I definitely thought that way. Yeah. Like, I went through a rough phase from when I switched. I switched from like a public school to private school in actually in middle school. And I remember it was a rough transition for me because I was like moving away from all my other friends, blah, blah, blah. Like I used to, I used to get my mom hell, man. Like I would I would just go to school and I wouldn't even put my clothes on because I told him I wasn't going to go there.

So I would literally get in the car naked and just I'm not going. I'm not going. I swear I'm not going. Shit, man, that makes me miss my mom so fucking much. Yeah, what did she do? She was just so fucking loving, man. I don't know. She would just try.

She was such a pushover, dude. Like, you know, she was such a pushover, man. Anything, anything I wanted, she gave me to me, anything. And then my dad was the opposite, right? But my mom was just like, she would like almost like sneakily like try and like give me my way without telling her. Don't tell your father. You know what I mean? You guys were like, you guys were like, thick as thieves.

Yes, yes, yes. My mom, to this day, is the only person I ever trusted and I ever loved. I will stand by that. I've never felt the same connection with anyone, ever. And I honestly don't think I'll ever feel that way again with anyone. I've had major trust issues since all of that. Like major, major, major, major trust issues with people. since all of what?

Since I think it's since I lost my mom. I just went off the deep end, man. Like since I lost like the, it's not that she's gone. It's just I lost her like, just like her spunk. Everything about her, man, it's just fuck.

I just miss it, man. I wish I could have one more conversation with her and just be like, listen, mom, I love you and I need to understand like, I just wish I could have that. That would be so nice. But obviously it's not going to happen. What would you say to her?

I would just tell her how good of a parent she was and it's not her fault you know like anything that happened is not her fault and that she really really was she really still is to this day the only reason that i actually have like any ounce of like humanity left because i swear i've become like a fucking robot you know like i swear to god dude with all the shit with twitch and everything i swear to god i've become a fucking robot man sounds like she's keeping you alive yeah definitely for sure i didn't want to to put it that way because of, you know, whatever, but that's, that's definitely true. I've definitely had my, uh, moments of feeling that way. Yeah. Yeah. Why can't you say that to her?

Honestly, when I see her nowadays, I, I, I just can't. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, it's in a wheelchair and she's, yeah, it's just so fucking hard. I can't explain it, man. I, I break down every time I see her, dude, like, I went back east actually a couple of months ago, and, you know, my life's, been pretty rough the last four months or so. I actually lost my partnership with Twitch. I don't know if you knew about all this, but I lost my partnership with Twitch four months ago. I'm a boomer.

And, uh, okay, well, yeah, I lost my partnership with Twitch four months ago and pretty much a lot of my income has been taken away for me, which kind of sucks. It actually really fucking sucks. No, it's my fault. I made a, I made a huge mistake. I, I, I fucked up. But, but, yeah, I've definitely,

I've definitely felt the repercussions of that. I mean, shit. Like, I, I, I, I, When I first got, I don't know where, I'm kind of going all over the place that that's okay. Yep. I don't mean to like get off topic or anything. I just, okay. I'll keep you on topic. Yeah, like, that's okay.

Yeah, that's, yeah. Just be, what's that? Is it okay if I interrupt and direct you from time to time? Oh yeah, there's no problem with that. Yeah, I'm just asking you if you, because I'll go off on tangents a lot. Sure. Because there's a lot of, there's a lot of ground to make free, you know, for us. Yeah.

No cap of pride. Why do you think, why do you think that there's a lot of ground to cover? I just think there is. There's a lot. There really is a lot. My life has been very eventful, full of like dups and downs and craziness, right? So there's definitely a lot for sure. Yeah. How much of, how much of what do you think we've covered so far? Do you think we've covered a lot? Do you think we've covered a lot? I think we've covered about, yeah, I'd say we covered a good amount for sure. Yeah, definitely. But a lot of the things, there's still a lot we haven't covered as well, but sure. There's definitely. Can you tell me how you feel when you see your mom? Yeah, I feel helpless. I feel helpless. I feel I can't help her, and it eats away at me inside. And I would honestly rather just avoid it.

Like, I'll go and see her, but I just put up this, like, mental wall where I'm just like, all right, I'm not going to feel anything. You know what I mean? Yeah, very black and white. Yeah, I'll put up this wall where I'm just like, whatever you need, mom, I got you, you need food. I'll get it for you, you need this. I'll get it for you. Like, I'll do anything for her, you know what I mean? What's behind the wall?

Behind the wall, I would just break down constantly, man. I can't deal with it. I can't. I can't deal with it. When I see her in the state that she's in, it breaks my fucking heart to the point where I just can't function, man. Like, I would, I just can't. Like, I break down. I was freaking out.

Like, I remember, you know, recently I was there and I was just like, it was just every day. I was just crying and lashing out and just unstable. You know what I mean? Sure. So what do you think happens to all those feelings when you're not with her? I try and suppress all of them and just focus on my job. Yeah. And do you think that they continue to like so like let's say that someone has, you know,

let's talk about someone else for a second, okay? So now I'm going to ask you to step outside of your shoes. Like this is going to be hard for you, but I want you to try, okay? So let's say that there's someone who has, you know, all these emotions that cause them to like lash out of people and break down crying and stuff like that. And then, you know, those emotions kind of get triggered or come out in a particular situation. And then once they leave that situation, they're kind of like they appear to be functioning normally. And do you think that that person would be functioning normally?

I think that they can put on the mask that they're functioning normally, even though they might be very much so in pain inside. But that's kind of life, right? How do you think, how do you think that that affects what they try to, like, do you think that that person will be very successful? I think some, some types of people in those situations could be and others the weights too much and they crack, right? I think that's. Yeah, how does that, what does that look like? What is what? What does cracking look like?

Like, how would you know when someone's crack? Oh, cracking. Cracking is just like thrown in the towel and just saying, fuck it and giving into your emotions, you know? That's cracking. Cracking is what I've done the last four months, man. like that's cracking you know i got banned on twitch i lost my partnership i fucked up uh i i literally became like a fucking gambling addict for a while like i i lost i had a lot of money saved up and i pretty much lost like every dollar gambling when i went back east like

there's a lot of casinos where i'm from in maryland and like i've always had a problem with like poker and like blackjack and stuff like that and i went back home and i just i was at the casino 16 hours a day i don't know why i just didn't want to deal with my home life because i knew i had to go back home and deal with it. And like, I was like, fuck it. Like, I'll just, maybe I'll get lucky gambling and I won't have to stream or something. Something stupid and irrational came inside of me. But recently, I actually put myself in a super financial hole that I've never been in my life. Like, you know, I've never been in this situation. And I did this, I did this to myself recently, 100%. Like, I fucked up. Yeah. So that's not something I entirely agree with.

So, look, can I help you, can I share a little bit about what I see and what I think is going on? Oh yeah, sure So like You're I don't think this really happens anymore But You know like Wow used to have like a resurrection debuff Yes

And like when you had the res debuff Like do you remember like what happened to your stats and stuff Yeah they they got they got reduced by a lot Like a shit ton right Like 90% yeah 90% Yeah and so what happens if you like try to do like a raid And you have the res debuff you feed and you lose

okay so what I think is going on with you Mitch is that you are playing the game of life and you're losing catastrophically over and over and over again and you basically have a res debuff that you're not aware of oh

that's a good analogy what do you think about that I think I gotta wait 10 minutes and queue up again yeah but that's the thing right So you don't, so 10 minutes is not how you actually get rid of the res debuff in real life. You actually have to get rid of that debuff. And I think, I think so, so let me tell you what I'm hearing, right? So I hear a guy who's pretty intelligent and pretty driven.

And when they put their mind to something they can really accomplish a lot. And I also hear that you have this wall within you behind which is all kinds of just bizarre, abject feelings of loss, grief, loneliness, brokenness, that you're a failure. and somehow you're actually functioning in life with all that shit behind the wall. And then you're confused when like you don't understand why when your mind, when you try to put your mind to something, it doesn't happen properly. And it's like, yeah, because you have this fucking res debuff on you. And I just don't, I think you grossly like underestimate what you're capable of. Not because you're not.

And this is the thing about the res debuff. it's not like your stats are actually bad, right? Like your stats are good, your high level, you have good gear. All of it, like, when you look at someone who's got a res debuff and you look at their character sheet, everything looks normal. And so that person, if I just took like a screenshot

of someone's like gear and their level and their like hotkeys and stuff like that, and I looked at that wow character, I said, okay, this person should be able to down this raid boss. There's just one tiny little icon, right? Because that's what the resde buff looks like. It's a tiny, tiny, tiny icon, but boy, is it worth a lot. And you don't see it on the character sheet.

And I think you're going through life and you're blaming yourself because you've got this res debuff that's like off in the corner of your screen and you look at yourself and you say, oh, I have all this gear. I'm max level. I have this. I have this. I'm capable of this. And then sometimes heroically, the fucking crazy thing is that sometimes you actually down the raid boss with the fucking res debuff. Sometimes you're able to do it. Oh, man. For like a week or a month at a time.

I can really relate to what you're saying. This analogy is, yeah. I totally get what you're saying. Right? Because you feel that res debuff. It's there within you. The sense of you being fucking broken, what do you think that is? That's the res debuff.

Yeah. And how on earth do you think you're going to be successful when that shit is eating you alive from the inside? It's definitely a lot harder. Yeah. It's like, it's amazing that you've done what you've done. I think it's amazing. People will think you're a fucking hacker.

If you're like downing bosses with a rest deboff, they're like, this guy's a fucking hacker. That's actually, that's a great analogy, man. It helps me relate to, yeah. I get what you're saying. What am I saying? You're saying that I'm pretty much living life with fucking balls on my ankles

and I'm somehow still doing shit, right? Yeah, so what do you think? What does that person deserve, right? So if we're going to judge that person, do we judge them and do we say, oh, this person fucking sucks at life? Or do we actually respect them? Well, if you're Twitch chat, you would just say that. Okay. If you're a human?

Yeah. Okay. So Twitch chat is not humans. Just don't worry about Twitch chat. We're not going to escape. Okay, okay. Okay, okay. No Twitch chat.

All right. So, sorry, can you, can you, uh, do you, what do you think that person deserves from us? What should we think about that person? I mean, they just, I think help, honestly. I don't know if there's anything that people can do to help, but if you can help, like when I see people that are as broken as me, I, I gravitate towards that for some reason. Like, it makes me feel like I'm not alone, you know, so like I like to help those type of people in any way that I can. Yeah, I do like to help people.

Do you try to help yourself? Oh, yeah. Really? Yeah. I mean, I have in the past. Yeah, like I said, I took a year off Twitch to try to find myself, and all I found was trash, so I don't know. I've definitely had my moments of trying to help myself, yes.

But then I put those on hold and try and help my job or other people or whatever, you know. I'm happy to hear you say that. I'm also a little bit surprised. I think you treat yourself very differently from other people with res debuffs. Wait, why is that? I think you blame yourself. I mean, I think you judge yourself for it. I don't think you treat...

I don't think you treat yourself well. Yeah, I definitely don't. I definitely don't. And I try to like... Well, I try to do like the health stuff. Like, I try and eat well and, you know, I try and keep the bare minimum to stay alive. Very good.

So now we get to the crux of it, right? So I'm not saying that you don't try to do things to make your life better. I just don't think you treat yourself well. I think you do a lot of things to try to. improve your life. And one may assume that just because you're trying to improve your life, that you feel like compassion towards yourself. But I don't think you do. I think you try to just improve your life because your life has to change. But I don't think you actually treat yourself very kindly. Yeah, I don't. I don't. I don't like myself. I don't like where I'm at.

I don't like what I've become. And honestly, if I could do it all over, I wouldn't do what I've done. That's honestly how I feel. Yeah. So what, what emotion is that? Do you know? Like regret and like grief. Absolutely. Yeah.

So speaking of grief, I mean, do you feel like you're grieving right now? I truly think that I'm grieving every day of my life. And I know, and I know how to put a smile on my face. And I know how to be fucking Mitch Jones on Twitch, you know, but when I'm all alone and they, the cameras are off, it's, it's not good. Yeah. Not good. So I think, so let me tell you something,

Mitch. I think, I think you can get better. So by the way, for some reason, people are calling you the raid boss. Apparently when it comes to like, you're the, you're, you're, you're my raid boss. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can't, you can't, you can't fix me, dude. I'm, I'm, I'm a hard boss, bro. I mean, if this is a raid boss, it's, I, Mitch, I think you can be, I think you can get better. I'm, I'm, I'm more hopeful about you than I am about many, many people that I talk to. And I think it's just because you've got such a... So it's hard to fix someone who doesn't have a res debuff. Right?

Oh, yeah, because they're just lost in their own... Yeah, like, if you just fucking suck at wow and you, like, don't know how to push buttons, then I can't help you. Yeah, so if they just suck... Yeah, yeah. But the thing is you don't suck. I think what's going on with you is that you have...

So let me just take a step back. So if we think about behavior, I'm going to just say a couple of random things. Okay, so my turn to be kind of tangential and all over the place. Yeah, you know, so first thing is when we think about behavior, your mind and your brain has a lot of stuff that goes into whether you engage in a behavior. Yes. Right? So like if I want to drink this water, for example, like I can have an internal sense of thirst. I can have some like logical part of me that says, oh, I should drink eight glasses of water and I should stay hydrated.

There can also be things like availability. Like so if the water is right in front of me, I'm much more likely to drink it than if the water was like in the next room. right? So there are a lot of things that go into behavior. And I think a big thing that goes into behavior that people don't understand is like emotions. So generally speaking, if we want to do something like delay gratification and control our impulses and like all the stuff that we think about is maturity, like would you describe yourself as immature? In some ways, yes. Yes, it depends on which aspects. I'd say 90% of aspects. Yes, I'm immature. But there's that 10% of me that is very aware and mature. Yeah. So I think when I think about people who view themselves as immature,

the reason we call it immaturity is because there's a part of your brain called your frontal lobes, which does things like delay gratification and plans tasks over long periods of time and executes them in a consistent manner. So that's like maturity. It's like shit like paying a mortgage. That's your frontal lobes. So when I think about things that, interfere with the function of the frontal lobes, suppress emotion is at the top of the list. So generally speaking, when I work with people who's like frontal lobes are just not working properly,

i.e, they're behaving immaturely, like they're just not able to be consistent in life. They can do things, they can use willpower for brief periods of time or even days or weeks at a time to suppress all of their negative emotion. But at some point that negative emotion comes up and actually like starts affecting you. Like you get up when you get up. Oh, I noticed that first hand. Yeah, I've noticed that first hand. Yeah. Sometimes I just fucking, like, I used to have a panic disorder, and I swear that was related to this. Like, I used to have a very bad anxiety, very, very bad.

Yep. Like, I was the biggest hypochondriac you would ever know, like, literally. Like, I was, I was fucking bad. And so that, that anxiety and panic disorder has now started to manifest in different ways. Yeah. And the challenge... Yeah. So I...

The anxiety for me is, like, weirdly, like, just, like, vanished. Instead, it's more of just, like, uh, Go ahead anyway. Yeah. So I think that whatever it was that showed up as an anxiety problem for you is now showing up in other ways. The problem is that those ways are subtle. And you don't see them, but you fucking blame yourself for them. Right.

So like you don't see, like, you don't understand why you do certain things, but you sure as hell will beat yourself up for it. But I think the problem is that you've got like, you know, because you're trying to engage in a particular behavior or you engage in like gambling or something like that. because you've got these suppressed emotion. Oh yeah, gambling was my vice, man. Gambling, I swear to God, when I was gambling, all of it goes away and I'm just in the moment. You know what I mean? Yep.

So this is what we've got to do, buddy. So like all this shit is pent up inside you. And I think the reason that you're sucking at life, for lack of a better term, is because of this stuff. I don't think it's because you actually just suck at life. I think this is the res devuff. And I think you can see it. There are times when you notice,

just think about this for a second, okay? Just think about this. If you, like, walk into a room and you see your mom and you become overwhelmed with emotion, like where the fuck do you think that goes when you leave the room? I don't know. But just think like does it just disappear? Is that how we work?

No, it probably just goes somewhere inside of me and some weird muscle and then yeah, something. Yeah, and the brain or some shit. And then what it does is it turns in, so in, when you're in the room with her, it's like not a tiny deboff in the corner of your screen that's affecting all of your stats. It's like front and center. and then when you leave the room all of that front and center stuff

becomes a tiny little debop in the corner of your screen that reduces your stats by 90%. And then you go on living life. And then you fail willpower check after willpower check because like you're just debuffed, like really, really bad. Yeah, no, I know that feeling. I mean, I'm exhausted a lot of the time.

Like just like fucking exhausted. So this is important because now I'm going to tell you something. So the mind maintaining that wall, it's not a problem. permanent wall. It's like a spell that you have to cast over and over

and over and over and over again. So you maintain... So I'm out of mana is what you're saying. All the time. I'm fucking Oom, dude. You're Oom and you've got a res debuff and you're trying to live life like this because, like no wonder you're exhausted because keeping that shit at bay, like you realize how much of like

that's like, it's like a burning hot sun of emotion. There's so much of it. Just think about how much your subconscious mind is like spending mana, like keeping that shit at bay. Yeah. Like, that's crazy, man.

Mm-hmm. Like, you get that? So how do I stop living life, Oom? Yeah, great. So you've got to actually deal with the feelings underneath, right? So you've got to actually cleanse. So I want you to think about the debuff is a pile of emotion that is just on your back. It's like baggage, like literally.

Like, you're just, you're not only out of Oom, you like, I have all this inventory space. Like, you can't loot anything. because all of your inventory is filled with this crap. Question, though. I have a question. Is it possible to just like re-roll and like play like a warrior? No manna. Just rage.

No. No, I mean, whatever the resources. I mean, so it's not. Okay. All right. I mean, re-rolling in theory, in theory that's possible in some ways. But not beyond the scope of this conversation. We're not going to have you re-roll.

All right. No re-rolling. Okay. I'm still amaze. Yeah, we're not done with you yet, Mitch. All right. Sounds good. So what you've got to do is actually like process that stuff, man.

So like, like this is the thing where, where, but it's so painful to process that shit. Like you, it's, I think you probably do get it. Like, it's just so, it's so, like when I process those things, I'm broken as fuck. And if I'm trying to also stream at the same time, Twitch chat sees that I'm unstable and they feed off of it. Yeah, yeah. So you can't fucking do this on Twitter chat. Yeah, but like, how am I going to continue streaming while at the same time I'm leaking emotional baggage left and right? No, no. So you don't want to, you don't want to leak emotional baggage left and right.

You want to take some time and effort and take time out of your day, right? So this is where we learn some work-life balance, where you've got to start like cleansing those debuffs and cleaning out that inventory space. And like, you know, drinking your crystal water or whatever to get your mana back. Like you've got to- Oh, I do that. Dude, I swear, I'm from, without my regimen. of like my weird health regimens, I'd be fucked just because of the amount of like shit. Yeah. Like, dude, I have these weird ass regimens where I drink like veggie juice every day.

I drink these massive smoothies of just like massive amounts of vegetables. Like I swear if I was eating a trash diet and living, I would be fucking dead. Yeah. So this is how you're able to function. Well, so let's just think about this. You can down the raid boss because you have the res debuff. But then you also have like all these food buffs and then like you've got people who are brewing you potions. and then you get like, you know, arcane intellect and like all that other crap.

So like you're buffing yourself every day and if you stop, but like this is the thing, that's just a fucking hard way to live life, Mitch. Like you get that like you can't live a normal life because you have to do all of these things like veggie juices and stuff because you have this gigantic pile of shit on your back. Yeah, yeah, that's like my manopods and like without them. Yeah, those are like my nanopods. You're like chain chugging and like you're buffing yourself to be like functional. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right? But like the problem here, the root. of the problem is that we have to deal with that negative emotion. We've got to digest and metabolize that and free you of that. But there's so many different, like, the negative emotion is almost consuming to where I truly have a negative aleck on the world. Like, I see that. I truly believe that like people, especially on Twitch, like the friends I've made here,

et cetera, I don't trust, like, hardly any of them, you know? Each of these things has to be dealt with, right? So the first one, there's one that I've been trying to hammer into you over and over and over again today. The first of your cognitive biases that needs to be addressed. Do you know what it is? Yeah, the, uh, the, uh, restickness, right? No, no, no. Yeah. So that, that's more of a deeper sense, but there's a subtle cognitive bias. So I keep on talking about black and white thinking. Okay, so that's what I need to work on is my black and white thinking. You need to work on a lot of stuff. But yeah. So like the first thing is that the world isn't black and white, right? Like,

it's not, it's not. I believe, I, I, I truly believe it is. I believe that there. Yeah. Like, I truly think of the world as like it's just bad and then there's some good. And it's just like most people are just selfish and out for themselves. It's just the way I view life, man. Yeah. So that's got to. So Mitch, this is this is going to take time, okay? But I think that there's a lot here.

There's the sense of failure. So that needs to be addressed. There's just the fact that you view things in black and white. And that's a real problem because that prevents that that. walls off your solution space. As long as you see the world is black and white, and as long as you blame yourself, for example, which I think you've made some progress on.

Do you see that? Do you feel like your... I do. Yeah, I do see that, yeah. What's different between now and when we started talking in terms of yourself, blame? Well, I can recognize it better. Very good. Has anything else changed? No, I'll probably still blame myself for a lot of shit that I shouldn't, but I definitely will recognize I'm doing that, but I don't know if that matters.

Being self-aware is something that I've always, I've always, like, had a, like, I wouldn't say a gift, but I've always been self-aware if I could say that. Like, I've always known. So I want you to listen, I want you to listen to this. Okay. Okay. So you just said a statement. I blame myself for a lot of stuff that I shouldn't.

Yes. Think about that for a second. But I also blame myself for a lot of things that I should as well. Yeah, yeah. But so don't just jump off the thought. Think about the thought. I blame myself for a lot of stuff that I shouldn't. That sentence sounds weird to me.

Do you have any idea what I think is weird about it? Honestly, I don't. I think that... I think if you recognize that you shouldn't blame yourself for it, that's a huge step forward. Mm-hmm. right? Because at the beginning, it was, like you just said, your mind tried to go there, right? And I blame myself for a lot of stuff that I should, by the way. So your mind very quickly goes to things like, because you're comfortable with blaming yourself. But the fact that you can say, I blame myself for a lot of stuff that I shouldn't is actually huge. Because you do blame yourself. And now you're able to see that you are actually not very kind to yourself. That what you really should do is cut yourself. a little bit more slack.

Right? I'm not asking you to absolve yourself of all responsibility. But can we agree that you should cut yourself like a little bit more slack? Yeah, yeah, we can do that. How does that feel to you?

It feels like, it feels like it's going to be difficult to start, but once I implement the changes and if I can do them consistently, it could have a big impact on me. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. That also is future.

It's future oriented thinking. If I can be consistent, if I can do this, then one day I will be the way that I want to be. Like, do you see that? It's all like future oriented, consistent. You're setting yourself up for failure right there. The goal is not to be forgiving towards yourself tomorrow and the next day and the next day and every day. Because that's where your mind jumps to. The goal is to be forgive yourself and be kind to yourself when?

right now that's it nothing more nothing less in the moment right now forgiving myself how do you feel about that how do you feel about just doing something in the moment and not worrying about tomorrow i feel as though that's a recipe for disaster very good so that also we need to change right because tomorrow tomorrow is just now there is no thing except for the now Yes, true. And the moment is all we have, right? It's all we have. And so now I'm going to ask you again,

if you can get good at doing something in the moment, what does that mean for your future? I don't know. That's a tough question. Good. So think about it. Right? So now we're getting somewhere.

So we got to reshape the way that you view the world and the way that you view yourself and your perception of time and all this good shit. But this is what I want you. Go ahead. Sorry. No, no, no, I just, yeah, I agree with that heavily. Yeah. Yeah. So we got to start by having you. So like, like, how are you, like, we got to teach you how to be nice to yourself like now, not tomorrow, not consistently, not for the rest of your life. Just right now. Just right now. Can you do that? I mean, sure, I can try. I can definitely try to do that. What is, what is being nice to yourself? What the fuck does that even mean? How do you do that? Help me out. Having a good spank. I don't know. I don't know.

Doing something you enjoy to do? Like, right? Actually, that's not what I'm looking for. So I think when you do something that you enjoy doing, that is actually going to step away from the emotions, right? It's going to be, it's going to help you step outside of them. Very good. So that's a distraction.

A good spank is just going to be a distraction. Okay. For those of you know, like sometimes you're feeling down and hurt on the inside and then you have yourself a good wink. And then as soon as you're done, What happens to the feelings of loneliness and dejection? They're just still there. Absolutely, right?

So we don't want to do a good spank. That's not what we're looking for. True. Okay. Okay. So good. No spags. Okay.

All right. So what I want you to do is try to be, okay. I'm just going to think about how to say this. So if there's no distractions, because you said what do you do to reward yourself? Not reward. When you're beating yourself up, you know, when you're beating yourself up? Yeah, I do, yeah. Yeah, okay.

So I want you to imagine what your mom would say to you. Hmm. You know, I honestly don't know anymore, man. Like, I've lost that. No, you haven't. I think you know what she'd say. You fucked up before. What did she say to you when you fucked up?

What did she say to you when you showed up naked in your car? are ready for school. She would just say that, you know, she would just say in the nicest way possible, the most loving way possible about, you know, how to go forward, right? Like, she would just be like... And that's what you need to do for yourself.

Because that's the fucking exact opposite of what you do to yourself. Hmm. Because you don't say to yourself in the nicest possible way, how to move forward. You do the exact fucking opposite. You call yourself a fucking asshole. And you blame yourself. Yeah. That's, yeah, I do that.

That's what you need to learn how to do in the moment. In the nicest way possible, in the most loving and patient way possible, encourage yourself to move forward. Because here's the amazing thing about that. Your mom never asked you to like be consistent about wearing clothes for the rest of your life, right? She didn't care about that. What did she care about? She just cared about that moment.

Absolutely. And helping me. understand the moment. Absolutely. Right? She didn't say, oh, and you've got to get dressed every day for the rest of your life. No. She was like, how can we just get some fucking clothes on you for now?

Yeah, yeah, for right now, just to go to school. Yep. Yeah. And that's what's got to change. And the thing is, Mitch, she's, she's helping you out way more than you even realize. You just have to let yourself be helped by her. Right now? Yeah.

So I think she's taught you what you need. to do for yourself. You just haven't learned it. That's, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Man, I've been distracting myself for so long, you know? Very good.

No wonder you haven't been getting better. Yeah, but there was like one year where I stopped distracting myself and really looked within the side myself and you don't understand like, I don't make me to me, make it seem like bigger than anyone else's problems, but it just, to me, it was like, it was very difficult, you know? Oh, I completely, very difficult. So, yeah, like, every day was hard, man, like I had, I don't know, like, I was definitely getting somewhere with healing myself, for sure, but it almost felt like to do that, I have to go through hell to get to the other side, you know? Yeah, so I think the big mistake you're making, the big strategic mistake you're making,

is that you spent a year trying to fix yourself, and who was helping you? No one, it was just me. That's the problem. I was alone that whole year, and I liked it. I liked it. So you can like it, but let me tell you something.

When it comes to problems of this magnitude, you need help. You can do it on your own, and I agree with you, it'll take years. But the thing is, Dr. Kay, let me explain to you another recurring problem I have, okay? So I understand what you're saying, and I understand exactly.

that that is true. I do need help. But another issue that I do have is I will find these people in my life that will paint themselves as the perfect help for me, right? And instead of actually giving a shit about trying to help me, it will almost always be them being selfish and trying to get something from me. And I always feel betrayed afterwards. And it makes me literally feel like humans fucking suck. And I just, I just fucking give up. You understand? Like, I have had a fucking issue with like trusting people that paint themselves as this almighty savior for me. And like it, it just fucks me time and time again. Like it's an issue I have because I always look for the easy way out, right?

And when somebody paints you the picture of the easy way out, it's almost like, hell yeah, let's do it, you know? And I fall for this every time, Dr. Kay, every single time. Yeah, so I think you're doing the first step, right? Which is that you're, so it was interesting. I wish I could I wish you could hear things through my ears because I see so many solutions to that problem

in the way that you describe it because you recognize that there is a part of you that always looks for the easy way out and I latch on to like other people so now we get back to the you don't understand what's going on in your mind right so there are forces and influences that despite this happening time and time and time again

someone offers you salvation in the easy road out and there is something within you that is just so fucking hungry for it that you can't help yourself I really can't that's very true and even though even if I'm super aware

that it could be a negative situation I still am like fuck it like maybe this will work it's like one of those like get rich quick schemes you know what I mean so then I don't think you're fully aware because that fuck it maybe this will work is once again something within you that is hungry that I don't think you fully

understand. Okay. Because like, like it, so this is the thing, you're not dumb, but you keep on making this mistake. So in my, in my overwhelming, it's like a self repeating prophecy. Yes, I'll send you a paper called the repetition compulsion, very well characterized within the field of psychology and psychiatry, okay? So like that people basically repeat something over and over and over again, despite the fact that that's dumb because there's like a powerful psychological driver. The more stupid your behaviors are, Mitch, I want you to understand this, the more powerful the psychological tugs are. Does that make sense?

Because in order to get you to do something dumb over and over and over again, there has to be something really, really strong within you that's pushing you to do that thing. That's fair. Right? Yeah, that makes sense. Instead of blaming yourself, I think what you need to understand is that you have some gigantic things within you. And those things are driving you to repeat behaviors over and over and over again that kind of

screw you over. And then what happens is like you're so busy, like judging yourself for fucking it up again that you never stop in or like curious about why you did this in the first place. And when you are curious, because you are curious from time to time, you take time and you reflect on things. It's clear to me that you're very intelligent. You reflect a lot, which is awesome. You just need some help.

But is it also bad to reflect too much? Is that bad? No. It's not bad. Not if you're reflecting properly. Now, sometimes people will get into thought loops, which are unproductive. So they'll think the same thing over and over and over again. And they'll think that that is reflection.

That is not reflection. But I've been calling those mental loops before. Yeah. So I think generally speaking, I mean, I don't think you can reflect too much if you're really doing productive reflection. I think you just understand more and more about yourself. And eventually you become enlightened. Yes. So, but in your case,

which I... Oh my God. To feel not heavy every day would be fucking amazing. Yeah, so that starts, so enlightenment is, you can do it now. So just close your eyes. Close your eyes. Okay, closing my eyes.

Wait, can I pee first? Yeah, go pee. Okay, thank you. Okay, I'm gonna, uh, okay, we're gonna take a bathroom break. And then let me see if I get... I gotta get more tea. Okay. Also, guys, is this, this is the final boss?

Is that? Okay, hold on. Mitch is, Mitch is gonna be, he's gonna be, I think he's gonna do okay. Like, we just need some time with him. Okay, I'm gonna take a quick ad break. I've been trying to not read chat so much just to have a genuine experience.

That's also why I didn't want to stream on my channel as well. Because I know that I get carried away with like, you know, chat and stuff. I'm trying to just really take the serious and, uh, you know, you know what I mean. So, I think that's the best plan of action. How you feeling, Mitch? I'm feeling good. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling, you know, I'm feeling like what do you mean by God?

I'm going to understand some things more so than I did. And I feel as though, uh, I, I feel as though, um, I'm almost like, locked like I'm like hard stuck and like I need to fix that. Yep. We're gonna know. That's what I've gone to. Yeah. So so so so this is so you got to once again be careful because you can't fix it. You're not going to fix it. Okay. You're just going to do different today. Okay. What's the difference? The difference is right now in the moment. I'm going to try to work on the things that you've said and not beat myself up as much and um There was something else.

Yeah. Good. Yeah, it was not blame myself as much and try and work on it now and put my clothes on and go to school. Beautiful. Okay. Gotcha. So, and then we're going to teach you how to meditate. So you have some experience in meditation? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I've, and quite frankly, when I meditate, I truly feel as though, like, it's almost like a negative experience for me. Like, I don't know how to explain it. Yeah, tell me about it. Like, if I meditate before sleep, I almost always have nightmares. If I, meditation for me, like, I've, like, cried and it just, it brings out a lot of pain is all I'm trying to say. Yeah. It's like, when I'm just there alone in my thoughts, even when I try and tell my thoughts to shut up, like, for some reason, emotion comes out instead. It's so, it's so hard to explain.

I don't know. Yeah, makes perfect sense. Okay, well, maybe it's not hard to explain. No, no, no, it's, yeah. So I'm going to teach you a different kind of meditation technique that is not going to quite have the same effect. I think it'll be more pleasant for you. But I think what's happening in your case is any time you try to meditate, what essentially happens is you stop casting your wall spells. And so the shit comes flooding out.

So oftentimes in meditation, whatever is buried comes up. Okay. Because you're just, you're like unraveling. your mind. First thing is you got to sit up straight. All right. We got to fix your posture. Yeah.

So what kind of chair do you are? I don't know. Some type of a wheelchair thingy. It's like wheels on it. It's like a computer chair. A shitty one. Okay. So what I want you to do is you're like leaning back.

Yeah. Don't lean back. So sit up straight and kind of no, no. Like yeah. You have pillows or blankets behind you? Yeah. Can you go get... I want you to sit on something.

Sit like with your... Sit on something? Yeah, like I want you to take like a pillow and put it on your chair and then sit on that. Okay. Yeah, Mitch, I really want to help you get your shit together, man. You're gonna... Wait, what happened?

I'm just feeling good about you. That's all. Okay, all right. Okay. So, so now I want you... wrong. No, no, no. You're doing great. So now close your eyes. Now, do you notice a difference once you're sitting on the pillow with your back? Yeah, yeah, I do. Yeah. What do you notice is different? Well, I don't feel as my heavy, I guess. Okay. Lighter?

My back feels, yeah, my back feels, it feels easier to sit. Yeah, good. Now I want you to fold the pillow in half and then sit on that. So fold it, fold it on top of it. Yeah. All right Now how do you feel more I feel very erect now Good, right? So close your eyes and just feel yourself Okay

You are contracted before You're all compounded and like way down on yourself You feel that? Yeah, yeah I do Eyes closed Okay Okay now how do you feel?

I feel I definitely I feel yeah, I feel a little lighter. I feel as though it's easier to sit. You know, it's easier. I feel, I feel, I feel good. Breathing is better, easier. Yeah.

Yeah, weird, huh? Yeah, it's very strange. So just sit with that lightness for a second. Just sit with that. Just sit with the way you feel. Right? This is you. You're not so bad.

Eh, I'm not so bad. I'm not so bad. Right? Okay. Yeah. And so notice those thoughts of you being, You started to slouch again, so no slouching. Okay, good.

Just maintain your posture. And then, you know, it's okay for thoughts to be self-judgmental. It's okay for you to think that you're bad and that you're broken and you're never going to get better. And just notice those things and then return to the sensation of your body. Right? That all that stuff is kind of there. But that stuff, too, can kind of be walled off if you want it to. And it's not so much that you're walling it off.

It's just that you're not letting it take center. stage. We're going to just let it, we're going to let it exist in our mind. It's just going to be off to the side a little bit. And we're going to put, oh, see, look at the way you're breathing. Beautiful. You feel that? Just, yeah, breathe, man. Yeah. Oh, man. Okay. Okay. What is that? What just happened? I don't know. I just feel weird. I, I'm good and I'm good. What was that sensation? Tell me. I don't know. It's like I wanted to like be happy, but then I stopped myself from being happy because I can't do that right now because I'm, I don't even fucking know what it was. I don't though. Very good. Good. Good. Right. So just think about that. When was the last time you wanted to be happy like that? When was the

buoyancy? What you felt right there was buoyancy. Does that make sense? Yeah, but I feel uncomfortable feeling that way. Absolutely. That's your fucking problem, man. In a nutshell. All right. We got to help you be buoyant when you feel naturally like being buoyant. Eyes closed. Okay Does that make sense You felt that buoyancy It's just like just a spark of it And you knock it down Yeah I immediately just

I didn't want that feeling yeah Yeah Which is weird right Because that feeling is nice It is nice It's yeah It's why the fuck don't I want those I don't want that

Yeah Why Because you don't think you deserve it Really What do you think? I don't know It's like a subconscious thing with me Whenever I start feeling some type of way or I'm about to smile, I immediately stop myself.

Okay, so maybe we'll dig into that. But for now, we're going to just, it's good. So if you had a feeling of buoyancy, we're going to start to train you to like be able to just sit with that feeling the next time it comes up, okay? And even if you have to suppress it, that's okay. But just notice that you're suppressing it. Okay? And don't judge yourself for it. Good.

Now how do you feel? Tell me what you feel, actually. I feel looser. Good. Yeah, I feel loose. Okay. So now we're going to begin the practice, okay? Okay.

Okay. So I'm going to teach you something called Ome chanting. And this is going to be hard. Oh, yeah, I know what this is. This hits the heart chakra, right? Depends. You can, yeah, whichever Ome you do can hit different chakras. Yep, yeah.

So we're going to do Ome chanting. And I'm glad you have some of, experience with it because I literally don't know if I can chant, but I think that's what you need right now. Okay. So I'm going to demonstrate one round. Neck up straight. Oh, why do you do this? Yeah.

Don't, you have this weird thing where you tilt to the side. Yeah, I have a posture issue. Yeah. Okay. So we got to get you to a yoga class. Okay. So I'm going to chant oom. It's composed, I'm going to try to chant oom.

It's composed of three syllables. Ah, ooh, and um. And I'm going to do it over the course of one breath. Okay. So we're going to start with ah. And then we're going to start with ah. And then we're going to. to go into ooh and then end with them. I'll demonstrate once you just listen, okay?

Yeah. So I want you to just listen to me for a second, okay? You got the hang of it? You think you can do that? Yeah. Okay, good. So I want you to focus on meditation. I mean, chanting is not about sound. So it's not about your ears. It's about vibration. So I want you to feel the sounds in your body. And you guys at home should do this as well, okay? Okay. Yeah. So ready? So deep breath in. Let's chant together. Okay. Bigger mouth, more energy. Let me hear you do it again. There we go. Okay, so your lips are not parting very much. So I want a big mouth all the way open. Yeah, good. Okay. Oh, okay. Hold up. I'm getting coughed up. Okay. Now I'm actually feeling anxiety for some reason. That's okay. It's because it's

fucking weird what we're doing. Anxiety is completely natural. Big deep breath, one more. Okay, three more breaths. Let me hear you do it. Three more? Yep. Beautiful, two more. Okay, last one.

Now just sit and feel your body. Do you feel the after image of vibration? Oh, yeah. Good, just sit with that. Yeah, yeah. focus on the chest, the belly. Yeah, that's where I feel the anxiety. Good.

Notice it. Yeah, it's strange. It's almost like, I feel tighter and like it's like coming out or something. Yep. So in the post-meditated period, the anxiety feels greater? No, I feel. I feel okay. I can just feel that there's something that wants to express itself and I'm suppressing it still.

Okay. I feel. So we're going to chant three more times, and I want you to really open your mouth and make an O for that first sound, okay? Okay. Okay. Let's go. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Ah. With your next two breaths, let whatever it is that's in there, let it out. Oh. Beautiful. You see, like, my heart's racing now. It's weird. Yep. Last one.

Okay. You can do it. I'm with you. Okay, hold up. Open your eyes. Okay. I feel very different. How do you feel? Like, I just woke up.

Yeah. I feel like it's easier to breathe a bit. It's just strange because, like, during that process, I felt, like, chest pressure, and I felt as though, like, I can't explain that. I just felt anxiety, which. Yep. I've been good at suppressing it. I'm very good at dealing with my anxiety.

And yeah, I feel like. So I don't, I don't think that this means your anxiety is coming back. I just think that remember how we're saying that you're, something within you was manifesting as anxiety. And now it is gone dormant or manifested in other ways. And I think as you let that stuff out,

it's manifesting in some ways is like anxiety again. But that'll pass over time. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I think if I were to practice more often, I could really make headway on expressing these things subconsciously, right? Can't practice more often. Oh, I can't do it more often?

Nope, you can only do it today. Okay, only today. And then you can do it tomorrow once tomorrow becomes today. But more often is of the future. Do you see that? So just thinking that now, the now. And be careful. So, Mitch, I think you've got, so just a couple of,

of things. So there are case reports of meditation induced psychosis. So if the feelings of you know, like if the feelings become dangerous or scary or things like that, you don't have to meditate. I'm very surprised that you had this reaction because generally speaking people don't have this reaction with chanting.

So. Oh. Yeah, I felt like rage during. It was more like anger just like expressing itself in a way I couldn't quite understand. Yeah, man. So dude. Yeah. You're like So it's not going to take you years to get better. You just have to keep working at it.

Okay? Because what is within you wants to come out so fucking bad? And once it's out, it's going to be out. Like you've just suppressed so much. It's just, it's like you're, it's like leaking from the seams. Oh yeah, man. Sometimes I just randomly cry. I don't even know why.

I just start crying. So, so we just got to let. So we need to give your brain and your body a time and space to let some, you know, of that emotion out. And once your body gets used to that, it's going to be like almost like a dog that gets trained to like pee in a particular place. So I would highly, highly recommend that you see a therapist because I think that'll accelerate this process. And it's good that you're meditating and all this other stuff because. Well, right now, wait, therapy is pretty expensive, yeah? Yeah. So do you have insurance? No, I have no insurance. Like pretty much what I have to do is just

I need to stream and make some money and then I can possibly think about doing that. But I have a of a, like I said, I gambled myself into a financial hole where I probably can't do that right now. Okay. That makes sense. So, okay, so we'll, let me just think about that for a second because I think you could really benefit from therapy. Yeah. And so in the meantime, I think continue drinking your veggie juices and stuff like that. How are your bowel movements?

Well, it depends on my sleep schedule. But if my sleep schedules consist and I, I shit very well, yeah. I got some good shits. Okay, good. So another thing... Yeah, my shits are always, they're always blueberry color because I eat a lot of blueberries. Okay, good. Yeah. So how are you feeling about today?

I'm all right, you know? I mean, I know I was... I'm good. I'm feeling good about today. I'm a little bit still hung over from two days ago, but other than that, I'm good, you know? I drank a lot two days ago. I don't even know why I did. I never drank either, but I was with my buddy and I just decided to get hammered for some reason. And that never goes well with me.

I don't know why. Drinking and me just don't really mix well. Sure. Yeah. So, but I mean, do you think that, so you were nervous when we started? How did you think we've been talking now for almost two hours? Yeah. So how do you feel like this went?

Like, are you, were you comfortable with what we talked about today? Oh, yeah, yeah. I feel as though it went good. I feel as though we definitely, we definitely got somewhere 100%. I help me understand that. Where did we get? we got i think you understand me a little more and i think i understand myself a little more and i think that's what we did today what do you understand about yourself that i'm always looking forward or back

and i'm never really like just in the now trying to accept responsibility for what's going on right now and instead i'm always living in some somewhere else than right now and then i beat myself up over something that either happened in the past or have or i think will happen in the future and instead of doing that i just need to live in right now and do what i can to heal or get better yeah wow i didn't realize we talked about that but it seems like that's new right chat yeah that's just how i feel though i feel as though that was the that was like what i learned you know okay yeah no i think i think you've learned a lot. It's just news to me. Because I think you really tied things together. I think you tied together a lot of the stuff that I thought we'd covered some ground. And I think you really tied it

together beautifully. Yeah. So I, you know, so I think, you know, we talked a little bit about regret and things like that as well. And I think regret is about the past, anxieties about the future. And I do believe, Mitch, that, you know, I can understand why you think that you're unfixable or you're so broken because you've lived a long time being the same level of broken. So it can logically, you can conclude that this is never going to get better, but I don't think that that's the case. I think you're going to get better. I think if you work at it and you try to channel, so I want you to really think about this too. I don't mean to make things emotional or stuff like that right before we stop,

but I want you to think about what your mom would tell you when you're feeling down on yourself. because I think she's already taught you the kind of dialogue like the way that you need to treat yourself is the way that she treated you. Yeah. And I don't know why. Whenever you mention my mom,

I get fucking sad. It's like I get this like feeling in my nose like I have to sneeze. It's weird. Yeah, because you have pent up emotion about your mom. And I also think, yeah. Anyway, we can talk more,

but I really think that she did just an amazing job of treating you with unconditional love. and that's actually something you need to learn how to do for yourself. Yeah. And if we're talking about like why something isn't healing, it's because you, like generally speaking, unconditional love goes a long way at clearing res debuffs.

And if you haven't had- I've never felt that with anyone else, I don't know if it's possible. Yeah. With especially with the res debuff, it's hard to like love and receive love, you know? Absolutely. I'm not, it's, it's very difficult and it's absolutely possible. And even though I, I know you, you feel like you're old. And by Twitch standards, you may be, you may be the old man of Twitch. But, you know, 27 is not that old. I mean, there's still a lot of life left to live. There's a lot of opportunity for love and relationships. You ever going to have the same relationship that you did with your mom? No. But doesn't mean that you can't have relationships. relationships that are in the same ballpark and can still be wonderful and can be filled with unconditional love too.

Yeah. Thoughts or questions before we wrap up for the day? I don't know. Yeah, I need a second. Hold up. Okay. Questions? Nah, man.

I'm Mitch Jones. You know, we're good, bro. I'm good. Everything's good. Okay, good. It's nice to see you smile. Is it a genuine smile? Yeah, we're chilling, man. I'll be all right. Are you not all right now? I'm good. Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good, man. I'm just, I'm good, man. I'm just fucking, I don't know.

Like, when you talk about love, I don't know, man. It's like, I think about love and, like, people, and I truly, I don't feel that way. Like, I don't know, man. Something weird just happened. You were in a way better place like 60 seconds ago. So sorry for disrupting your... No, it's totally cool. It's not your fault. It's me. It's like, you just made me think about love and my mom and how she unconditionally loved me. And then I realized that the world is, will never be that way again for me, you know?

That's, I just had a moment of thinking like, you know, I just don't, I don't think I'll ever find that again. I truly hate, I have a lot of hate inside of me, you know? And like, it's like coming out right now and I apologize. No, no, no. Don't apologize. I think it's, I think that's why I was a little bit. hesitant because I think it is somewhat of an open wound for you

for me to bring it up but I really I really do believe that you should learn how to talk to yourself the way that she talked to you and I think that helps you. When we talk about when we talk about you know what can you do in the moment that is like the best example I can think of.

Yeah yeah and I honestly think I'm subconsciously recasting that spell again you know like right now like it was almost like gone for half a second and then it's just, like, I felt vulnerable, and I just put it back up, you know what I mean? Yeah, like, when you said this weird,

like, I've never, I didn't understand what the fuck you were saying. You said, yeah, man, I'm Mitch Jones. We good. I was like, what? Just that was you recasting the spell. Yeah, I think it was. Yeah, it was me putting the mask back on. Like, everything's fine, you know?

Like, yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no. You, so you, so notice that, like, things were actually fine before that. Yeah. And then things became, like, bad again and then you put on the mask. But actually, I would say five minutes ago, you actually felt pretty good.

Yeah, I did. Yeah, I felt, I felt, yeah. And now you can go back there. I can see you going back there a little bit. So just notice your posture again. Okay. Yeah, good. Right, so now you're actually on the path to being good again. Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really or not really? No, no, no, no, I totally am. I totally am. I just know that I'm just going to, I'm going to leak. That's okay. That's okay. You leak.

But I want you to just notice how easy it is to move between the two. Easy come, easy go. Right? Yeah. And anytime you can do that, you can just be like, all right, like, I'm going to get back to this place, right? Yes. Yeah. That is the goal of meditation.

To cultivate within yourself the capacity to go back to this place. And suddenly, if you're in this place, the world is not so heavy. true that's good there we go okay strong work today Mitch yeah yeah thank you I appreciate it

yeah it was a like I said very nervous and I just didn't understand what we were going to do but I feel like we did a lot and I didn't yeah I did a lot for sure I think is I don't know if you would like to speak again but I believe there's there's so much man I would just I would just love to tell you

my whole story man like I don't know. I got lots of stuff that I could just, lots of stuff inside of me that I would love to just get off my chest, you know? Sure, sure. So let's set up a, let's set up another time. Sorry, my voice is really going out, but Mitch, look, I think you did a fantastic job today, really strong work, and I'm really, I'm, I don't think, yeah, I don't,

I think you're deserving of respect for what you've accomplished, not, Thank you. That means a lot to me. I hardly ever hear that. And I really, that means a lot to me. Thank you. Yeah, because I think just because you've been living life with a res debuff, like, that's actually pretty fucking amazing that you're able to do anything at all. And I think that you'll. I appreciate that, man. Yeah. So good luck with everything, dude. And we'll set up another time to talk, okay? Yeah, sounds good, man. Okay. Take care. Bye. All right. Have a great day. You too. Okay. So, he's a good guy, man. and you know he's he's like listen guys so i've talked to a couple people now he like on twitch

who feel like they're unfixable so this is probably just because i'm naive and optimistic but like i i just don't think that's the case man he's like he can get so much better so so fast so fast and and it's i i know that it can feel really hopeless like because and it's not it's not that it it's logical right Right? That's the really crazy thing, is that it's logical. Because if you have felt the same way for like a decade, he started feeling bad. He said around 2011 or one or something like that, like something that happened with Twitch a year ago, a couple years ago. But, you know, I think it started with him.

Something changed, like something got busted when his mom was diagnosed with cancer. And then for the next 10 years, if you're a smart guy like Mitch is, you're going to think that like this is not repairable because for 10 years it hasn't gotten fixed. So it's completely logical. And it happens to be wrong. So if you guys are feeling hopeless about life, it's not that you're stupid. You're actually like you're smart and logical too. It's that because you don't see your life moving forward.

So you're a smart person. You're going to conclude that it's not going to move forward. But I just don't accept that because I think that life can be drastically different very quickly. In terms of getting help from people, in terms of just one person entering your life. life in terms of learning how to meditate, in terms of learning how to take care of yourself, getting a pet. Like, I don't know what it is, but it, life can become so drastically different with such a subtle and what seems like a small change, like one person entering your life.

So in my case, I was directionless and hopeless and failing out of college and playing too many video games and stuff like that. And then like, I met one of my teachers in India, which just like blew my mind. It changed my life completely. And I felt like there was someone who under understood me and could teach me how to understand myself. And then it's like, it's like life is hard when you're blind. Like, it's hard to drive a car if you can't see. But you would be amazed at what you're capable of if you just take the blindfold off. Right.

And then it's like, wow, this shit, like, site is O.P. It's like the world is being navigated. Everyone is driving around is wearing a blindfold. And then there's some people who've discovered how to take off the blindfold. They're like, this shit's OPE. Like, site is so OP, man. It's like I can drive around wherever I want to and I don't have to bump into anything ever. And it seems so mind-blowingly different because that's just the way that we live.

Like we've lost touch with understanding who we are and how we function. Like that part of knowledge, which was, I mean, I use yoga and that tradition because that's where I learned it. But there are traditions of like not just psychology, but yoga is about understanding yourself. Right. So like how do you as a human being work? like what are the ways in which your mind works what are the ways in which the food that you put into your body affects your mind why can't i do the things that i want to do like what are the things that if i think about the equation of behavior and engaging in a behavior what are all the things

that go into that equation we don't know we don't we don't know but you can learn you can study you can become aware and progress can happen way faster than you realize like the good news guys is that it doesn't actually take like a decade to, you know, start the path of like transforming your life. Sure, like a decade later, like you're going to be in a very different place and it takes time, right? So I started when I'm 21, when I was 21 and then started med school when I was 27. So that was six years. And that was just starting med school. And then it took me another like eight years to really become confident in who I am.

So that was what, like 2018, 2017? So like a 16 year process for me But it starts getting way better before It's not like at the end of 16 years You're like oh like now everything's like It starts getting way better way before that So start I'm 37 Okay so

Yeah you guys are 22 and you feel old as fuck Like I don't think you guys get this Like you're gonna be around for 60 more years Right Like if you're 22 and you feel old as fuck Imagine where you were five years ago like gigantic, right? The difference between the 17-year-old you and a 22-year-old you is like huge.

And so you just give yourself that amount of time. Like, that's so much time. Five years is such a long time. And then you're just going to be 27. Like, you're not going to be 30 yet. So you have a lot of time. And it doesn't take that long to start getting on the right track again. And with Mitch, I'm hopeful.

Like, I think, you know, I know he's supposed to be the raid boss and everything, but like, dude, you know, if I mean, helping someone who is so intelligent and reflective and tries so hard and has such vast reserves of willpower. Like, and he wants to get better. Like, dude, we're going to help him. He's going to get help and he's going to be better. Like, he's going to do well. Anyway, so thank you guys very much for watching and showing up. And hopefully this was helpful to y'all as well. And yeah, it was fun for me.

I enjoyed really talking to Mitch. I think he's a wonderful guy. And I have faith in him. I think he's going to do well because he's just, he's a fighter, man. He's a fighter. And if he's like, if he's doing this well with this fucking gigantic res debuff, then imagine what he's capable of if we can cleanse that even a little bit. Like he's going to do so well.

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