HealthyGamerGG - Narcissism, Twitch Addiction, and Porn | Subreddit Review

Episode Date: July 8, 2021

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All right, let's do it. All right. Welcome to another healthy gamer Gigi stream. My name is Dr. Alokanoja. I'm a psychiatrist practicing in Boston. Just reminder that everything we discuss on stream today is intended to be for educational purposes only. And nothing is intended to be medical advice, chat. It's going to be especially true today.

So we're going to be doing another subreddit review. So it seems like people, um, I have motion blur. Some people, I, we're going to talk about some stuff from our subreddit. So, you know, some of the stuff is going to be, like, medical related. So we're going to be teaching you guys some interesting concepts. So there's one post in particular that I've already kind of seen that, you know, so I really enjoy reading the subreddit now. So I learn a lot.

Sometimes I'll post. But most of the time, I'll let most of our community, like, help each other out. And I'm really curious, like, you know, what they do. And they actually do a pretty good job. So I'm kind of hands off. but there was, you know, last week, I think we, I made a, I was answering another question and I sort of talked a little bit about narcissism. And so there someone was like, oh my God, that's me. So we're going to talk a little bit about that.

So I'm pretty excited. I saw that post and I really, I mean, not that the person was suffering and stuff. That's terrible. But I think it's a poorly understood concept, which we're going to explain a little bit today. So some of that stuff may be related to medicine. So it's, but you shouldn't use this as. you know, a method to diagnose or treat yourself. It's really just to educate and understand a little bit. And if you guys feel like this is relevant to you, by all means, go see a licensed professional.

So can we have a beat up? I hope so one day. But I think, you know, with Delta variant of COVID, we got to be a little bit careful, chat. You know, got to be careful. So a couple things that we're going to talk a little bit about. So, We actually had, I want to just highlight a couple of cool things that have happened that we want to bring attention to and express our gratitude. So the first thing is Tautless did an awesome charity event over the weekend, I think. Started on Friday and did like a crazy 36-hour stream and raised $36,000, basically. 35,690, 69. Yeah, that's a Twitch. charity event.

And I think the stream was in honor of Recful. And so we also wanted to, so huge thank you to thoughtless, huge thank you to the community for all the donations. If you guys haven't seen the impact report that we shared a couple months ago, or maybe a month ago, two months ago, check it out. And we hope to keep you guys updated on what we're doing in terms of how we're spending the money. We're hoping to be, you know, transparent and stuff about where it goes and what it's used for and things like that. So just a reminder to everyone that we recently started

the Healthy Gamer Foundation, which is a nonprofit. So people are no longer donating necessarily to, you know, like an LLC or something else. And the goal of the nonprofit is to support people in our community who aren't able to afford our services. So a good example of this is we actually have coaching clients in 65 countries. And a lot of them are in countries where like the US dollar is, you know, they have a bad conversion rate. So we try to support a lot of them. And then we also do things that are for like the general good of our community, like research. And so, you know, that's where this kind of money goes. And we hope to keep you guys updated on that stuff. We publish an impact report where anyone who's curious about the financials and stuff can kind of take a look at all that

information. The other thing that we wanted to highlight today was the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. So this was something that if you guys know, Recful has a brother and he tweeted out that he thinks that this is a great organization. It's not an organization personally that I've worked with extensively. I've had a lot of patients who have gotten support from the DBSA as well as actually have been a part of DBSA. So sometimes patients that I've worked with will actually like go to the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance and actually like work with them in some capacity.

So they have a lot of great resources for people who are curious. So they have stuff on depression, bipolar anxiety. It's educational stuff. You know, you can even submit questions and things like that. So let me just, let's just see what they've got here. Yeah, so they just make like, you know, different kinds of stuff thriving with bipolar. So if you guys have depression or bipolar or curious, you guys can sort of check out the DPSA. They also have, they'll talk a little bit about, you know, treatment options and things like that.

So they'll have like, they'll have education about, you know, ECT, which is shock therapy or electroconvulsive therapy, TMS. You know, they've got different kinds of information on here. They also have support groups. so they have online support groups and yeah so you guys can kind of check that out and then you know there's other kinds of advocacy work and things like that that they do yeah so the DBSA you know I've heard good things

like I said I haven't worked a lot with them individually but I have had patients who have said good things about it and I think there are like folks at McLean Hospital who are very involved with DBSA and vice versa. So transcranial. Yeah. So there's something called TMS, which is transcranial magnetic stimulation, which is using the healing power of magnets.

So I don't know if people are aware of this. We can talk about this for a quick second. So, you know, it's really interesting. So electroconvulsive therapy or shock therapy, you know, was developed like almost 100 years ago. And there's something weird. We don't quite understand how or why, but it appears that if you induce a seizure in the brain, part of the healing mechanism of like the brain is like it resets. It's almost like rebooting your PC or whatever, where like it resets a lot of stuff after a seizure that appears to help with things like depression and anxiety.

No, depression especially, forget, not anxiety, depression really. And sometimes can help with mania. So it was a really like terrible treatment for a lot of reasons. Like one is that you're inducing a seizure. But with recent advances in medical science, actually, what we've found is that you can actually like use anesthesia so that the seizure is quite controlled and doesn't really hurt the person. And it's actually like one of the best evidence-based treatments for people who are older and depressed. It's also first-line treatment for severe depression and mania in pregnancy. So we do it to pregnant women. And if you kind of think about it, like, you know, it may seem like a really shocking treatment. Nope. Pun intended, actually. But, you know, it turns out that actually,

like, if you give pharmacologic agents to treat depression and mania in pregnancy, a lot of them actually have teratogenic effects or can affect the fetus in some way. Teratogenic means that they can cause birth defects and mutations in the child. So we've actually found that for older people who have poor metabolisms and like they get a lot of side effects and can fall and things like that. That actually ECT can actually be safer. It, you know, I've used ECT a fair amount. I mean, I don't really do it now because I'm an outpatient psychiatrist for the most part. But like, you know, in the hospital, I've seen some amazing stuff happen with ECT.

And so there's sort of an easier, softer, gentler version of ECT called TMS, which is transcranial magnetic stimulation. So that's sort of still using magnetism to create a particular kind of, I believe, like magnetic field or electrical current in the brain that actually can be used to treat depression. So there are a lot of, we don't do recreational ECT. So there are a lot of interesting advances in science and psychiatry and neuroscience and stuff like that. So the DBSA educates around that. I guess we educate around it too. I don't really talk too much about specific treatments, but people are quite surprised that ECT is actually quite a safe and effective treatment under the right circumstances. It also tends to work fast in the case of severe mental illness.

So that's why Magneto wasn't depressed. Oh, Twitch, chat, I have missed you. Yeah, it's been fun, chat. Like, it's been good. It's good to being back. I say, it's been fun. I have missed you, so it's nice to be back. You know, here we are talking about novel advances in psychiatric treatments, and someone here is like, that's why Magneto isn't depressed. Brilliant. Brilliant. Right? Look at those connections being formed. Okay. Seriously, it's top notch, dude. Can't make this stuff up. So, you know, so if you guys are interested in learning more about depression and bipolar, check out the DVSA.

Huge thank you to Tautless for, you know, sacrificing 36 hours of their life or even, I think, a weekend, but I think it was like a 36-hour stream for raising $37,000 for us. Thank you very much. And we accept the burden and responsibility of using that money, like, in the right way to the benefit of our community. And we hope to give you more information about that. I think my ADD is combing up with bipolar. Should I get this checked out as quickly as possible?

Yes. So in general, in general, it doesn't have to be urgent. You guys should get checked out, right? So like we have primary care physicians who will do annual physicals. It's not like you need an annual mental health exam, but if you haven't had an exam by a licensed professional, you should just go get one. because one of the craziest things that I've learned as a psychiatrist is that a lot of people, like, don't realize that what they've lived with their entire life is actually, like, treatable.

And you don't have to live with that. Like, good examples of this are narcissism, which we'll talk about, right? Like, someone grows up and, like, no one, like, you know, suddenly, well, I mean, you can, but generally speaking, you don't, like, suddenly become narcissistic at the age of 34. You don't like wake up one day and you're like, oh, I'm a narcissist. That's not how it works. Or especially ADHD is actually like a really good example where like people don't realize that like ADHD is like, you know, you've grown up your entire life struggling to get your mind to like adhere to things that seem to be easy for other people.

A lot of times people with ADHD have IQs that are through the roof. It's just like, you know, their raw IQ is high, but they're just playing the game with a handicap. It's sort of like, I can be an amazing gamer and I'm playing the game with like keyboard and just keyboard and no mouse. And I'm doing like old school FPS using arrow keys to aim and page up and page down to like look up and down. And I'm still holding my own against people who have a friggin mouse. And like that's just because you like you have to adapt. But the whole point of like seeing a mental health professional is to realize that a lot of the stuff that feels normal to you and is very difficult, it can actually be, like, helped in some way.

Doesn't even have to be medication. There's actually cognitive behavioral therapy for ADHD. There are other kinds of things that you can do, like you can learn how to meditate and other stuff like that. So I encourage everyone to kind of get checked out. Okay, chat. Plug in your mouse. Go see a mental health professional. Okay. Okay. So let's, um, okay, let's, let's, let's jump to subreddit review. How do I get out of this thought loop? When I am quiet, am I being boring? And when I'm talking, am I being annoying? Okay.

So, if we think about this for a second, this is brilliant, by the way. So let's start by just understanding, you know, where does the root of this come from? Right? So like, do you guys see how this thought, am I being boring? Like, comes from a presumption that people don't like. you or that you're not delivering value. And this too comes with a presumption that you're not delivering value. Like you guys see how both of these questions, even though the behavior is the exact opposite, like they share the same route. So this is really important to understand.

So a lot of times people think that their anxiety is dependent on a particular thought, right? So like my mind produces the thought for me, am I being boring by being quiet or am I being annoying by talking? And so what we do is we focus on the content of the anxiety. What is like the worry that we have, right? Am I being boring? Am I being annoying? Like both of those are the content of the mind. But if you kind of think about it, that doesn't make any logical sense because if you're worried about being boring, the solution to that is to talk. And then if you start talking, theoretically, that problem should be fixed. You're no longer boring. But you wind up being, your mind actually tells you now that we're talking,

am I being annoying? Maybe I should be more quiet. So from a logical perspective and from a thinking perspective, it's like a lose-lose situation. There's no way you can win. Because your mind is producing for you thoughts and worries and concerns, which theoretically should lead to a particular behavior or solution. But even if you engage in that behavior or solution, you're still screwed. So like, how on earth do you deal with that?

and the key thing here is to go back to the root that produces these thoughts. Okay? So like this is where, you know, as long as you feel internally, emotionally, that you are not going to like be pleasant to be around. If you are insecure about, you know, what value you bring to like other people's like social service, like social like situations, if you can't really like serve to be like socially useful to other people, as long as you hold that belief, that belief will spawn off thoughts no matter the circumstance. Does that make sense? So it's kind of interesting because like a lot of

people will start, they'll try to solve the individual thought. But like what this, this picture beautifully illustrates is brilliant, right? Is that you can try to solve as many problems as you want to. Your mind if you're socially anxious is still, is like never going to be appeased. right? When I'm quiet, am I being boring? Oh, talk more. And then when you're talking, you're like, oh my God, am I being annoying? Be quiet more. You can ping pong back and forth through this as much as you want to and you'll never fix it. So what do you do about it? What you do is first of all recognize the process that your mind is going to like give you these thoughts kind of no matter what. And as long as you're playing at the level of thought, you're never going to fix it. And this is why people get stuck,

right? It becomes a loop. You start looping because you're really. like bouncing around up here. Instead, what you need to do is go down to the root of it. Tell yourself, notice, first of all, oh, my mind is doing that thing again where it's like behaving at an intellectual level, but this intellectual content of my mind is being fueled by the emotion. And so instead of trying to solve that problem up here, just ask yourself, how do I feel right now? What is the emotional energy that is driving this anxiety? And once you start working at that level, like so you may discover, for example, oh, like, I'm just afraid that people aren't going to like me and I'm not confident about myself because I've been in like isolation for a year and I feel like socially rusty. I'm concerned that these people might not like me.

And then you can kind of sit with that. And it's like, it's not about a particular manifestation. It's sort of like, okay, like, I feel afraid that people don't like me. And this is why it's useful to work with someone. a therapist or coach or something like that, right? If you really have social anxiety, I'd recommend seeing, you know, a clinician if you have like a diagnosed social anxiety. And then, you know, once you start sitting with those feelings working on that underlying emotion, then what you can do is like as the emotion kind of starts to like empty out

and decompress, the thoughts above will start to crumble. Okay? So it's kind of interesting, but like, it's tricky because we sort of think like, okay, how do I deal with this thought loop? because it keeps on looping up there. And instead of like dealing with the loop, it's like, you know, how do I start move? How do I stop moving in this loop? Well, like the answer to stop moving in the loop is like you have to like empty your gas can. Right? Because as long as you've got fuel, your mind will loop in that way.

Those rational thoughts, those logical thoughts, those anxious thoughts will keep on looping. And you will keep on trying to problem solve. Okay. And that problem solving will never actually lead to, well, I'm not, I guess I can't say never, but it will, it's not really consistently going to lead to anything, whereas the real money isn't actually, um, isn't dealing with the underlying emotion that's fueling the anxiety. Okay. And so a good example of this. So we have a, we have a, a video entirely about this on Dr. Kay's guides. So this is the anxiety module. Okay, just real quick. So there's, uh, by the way,

there's a video actually on thought loops. So if you guys are, but that's not the one I'm thinking about. This is what I call feeding the beast. Okay? So sometimes in our minds, there are actually a couple of videos about this. But there are a couple of times in our mind

where there are a couple ways that we deal with anxiety. And one way that we deal with anxiety is by like trying to rationally solve that problem. Right? We can try to solve the problem of when I'm quiet, am I being boring? and when I'm talking, am I being annoying? So as long as you're trying to solve that problem

in the game that the anxiety is playing for you, it's like, you know, playing against the house in a casino. It's a game you're designed to lose because it's not an intellectual problem. So you can come up with as many intellectual solutions as you want to and it's not going to work. This is the other problem with anxiety, right? It's because we have a bunch of like five heads out there

that are like, okay, I just need to dot, dot, dot, dot. I figured everything out. Like, I just need to develop confidence. I just need to do this. I just need to do this. I figured everything out up here. And then they try to do it and it never works.

It's because all of your energy is being spent on sort of like the symptom as opposed to the cause. So get down to the roots of your insecurity or your lack of confidence. And notice in that moment, instead of playing the game with the anxiety up top, notice like, what am I actually feeling right now? Like, where does this insecurity actually come from? right? And as you kind of do that work, as you start to notice, oh, this is just my anxiety producing all of these thoughts and worries. It's not even me. That's another useful technique that you can do is notice what is your anxiety versus you. And you're like, oh, that's just my anxiety. It's like, no big deal. Like it's going to act up again. And you can even anticipate it. So the next time

you go into a social situation, you know, okay, so my anxiety is going to start producing thoughts. I know it sounds weird, but as you anticipate it and then the anxiety comes, you don't fight it because remember most of the time we try to fight anxiety, which just feeds the loop because you're adding gas to your gas tank. So instead, what you want to do is take a step back and just be like, okay, we knew this was coming. Oh, wow, this anxiety is really powerful today. Is it so powerful that I need to leave,

or can I give it like half an hour and hopefully I can start to have fun? When you start dealing with your anxiety like this, you kind of take the steam out of it, you take the energy out of it. It'll kind of calm down and the thoughts will actually stop on their own. right so someone's saying you have to fight the idea that you need to demonstrate value to others i think that's the right sentiment i wouldn't encourage fighting it right so i wouldn't encourage like i know it's an interesting nuance here but i would notice that that is a false belief so i think generally speaking and fighting your mind and anxiety makes things worse for most people as they've learned

They may conquer it for a time, but it comes roaring back the next day. So I'd encourage people to just notice, oh, like there's a part of me that feels like I need to demonstrate my value to others. It feels that very strongly. I feel like super inadequate and I feel like a waste of space unless I demonstrate my value to other people. And then you don't go and bully that part of you. You're not like, screw you. Believe in yo self. Dumbass?

You should believe in yourself more. Why are you so stupid? Start believing in yourself more. You know, it's like you got to be careful there. So you can conquer it for a time. But generally speaking, my experience has been that encouraging people to notice it is actually like more potent. Right. So it's interesting. It's tricky. It gets tricky. There is value to sometimes fighting and overcoming your anxiety though. Like so it's just like generally speaking, people tend to know how to do that relatively well. and it's this part that people, generally speaking, need to learn. Hello from Sydney.

I never get to see stream. I should be asleep. Okay, well, I have mixed feelings about that because on the one hand, welcome to stream. Hello from the United States to Sydney. And on the other hand, I'm sorry that it seems like you're getting a bad night's sleep and I hope tomorrow will be, you know, still productive. Okay?

Ah, so Dr. Kay, what is value? Can you define it? We will get to that in a moment. Great question. Any thoughts on Lacan? I don't know what that is. Same here from Africa. Well, welcome from Africa.

I mean, welcome to this U.S. stream to our folks from Africa. Ah, here we go. Okay. So, hold on, chat. Configure. Okay, chatars. Ah, Lacan was a French psychoanalyst. I don't know.

I'm not familiar with the works of Lacan. So I don't know. It's very possible if he was. good, then I take for granted his contributions because they were internalized into the rest of, you know, psychiatry. Okay. Does that make sense, chat? So I imagine he was good. I'm not too familiar. I haven't done too much study on, I mean, like, I've done advanced psychodynamic training, but I haven't really done like any kind of psychoanalytic training. Red Freud and Jung, bigger fan of Jung, uh, than any other analysts. You know, Kernberg is good. There's good stuff. I don't know. I think Kernberg was an analyst, right? But anyway, okay. So let us move on chat. Okay. Next thing. Okay. Dr. Kay's comments about narcissism have shaken me. From the stream today, Dr. Kay talked

about narcissistic tendencies, and I realized that he is described, that he is describing me perfectly. I feel as though this piece of information has completed a puzzle I've been trying to figure out since I was 22. I'm now 38, so I'm probably one of the oldest people here, and I'll tell you, 15 years of anxiety and depression is no fun thing. Manipulating people, expecting special treatment, expecting success without putting the effort in, slow degradation of relationships, not caring about others, etc. False modesty and hoping for adoration. It feels like a massive rock has been dropped on me.

I realize that my ego and expectations have been the root of so many problems in my life. I've always known I have low self-esteem, and I can see how that low confidence has led me to this bizarre state of mind where you expect the world for no good reason. Dr. Kay, if you're reading this, please, please, please do a video about steps one can take to reduce this trait and take steps in the right direction. I really need some guidance here. Any advice from other members would be greatly appreciated too.

Okay. So let's start off. So before we get to advice, okay, what we're going to do is talk a little bit about narcissism in a kind of a weird way. So the first thing that I'm going to give you guys kind of a quick backstory, okay? So I think what this poster was referring to last week on stream, we talked a little bit about how narcissism manifests kind of in two ways, right? So if I have, if I'm insecure about myself, one way I can. can deal with that is to be arrogant. So, like, I put on this, like, very, like, big shell that's, like, grandiose. And I'm like, hey, everyone, look at me. I'm so awesome. And I need other people's adoration. The other thing that sometimes happens that can result in, like, people sort of being kind of manipulative and hard to deal with, but they're not arrogant, is for people to actually have, like, insecurity on the inside. But then they still engage in all of these behaviors to like get other people to like like like like like arrogant behaviors. They're like softer behaviors. So there are things like excessive modesty, um, you know, like sort of help

seeking kind of behavior like, oh, wo is me behavior. They have these emotional needs of insecurity where like they need to feel loved and respected by other people. And they just engage in like non-arrogate behaviors to sort of get that kind of like, reassurance from the outside. And this creates a real problem in relationships because, like, sometimes when you're with these kinds of people, like, they're not doing anything wrong, but you still sort of feel subconsciously manipulated. And when you feel subconsciously manipulated, like, if you start to blame them in your mind, you kind of like feel guilty. So you're kind of in this situation where like, oh man, like this person is trapping me, but also like making me feel like

an asshole for being trapped. It's kind of really hard to disdue. It's kind of really hard to describe, but like, that's what I would kind of say. So this is a weird kind of subtle narcissism. So today, what I want to talk to you all about is like kind of the two types of narcissism. Okay. So to start off with, let's start with kind of looking at yoga. Okay. So what we want to do is work. There we go. Okay. So what we want to do is we want to start by sort of understanding narcissism. And by the way that we're going to understand narcissism is actually through a yogic lens. All right. So in yoga, we have three parts of our mind.

The manas is our emotional mind. The Ahamkara is our ego and the buddhi is our intellect. Okay. And there's usually like an interplay here where the goal of the Ahamkar is to be a bouncer, is to protect us from feeling hurt. So anytime we feel hurt in our emotional mind, the bouncer, steps in and then goes to our intellect and like tells us to rationalize. Okay, so the classic example that I use when illustrating this is I remember when I was in college,

my friends and I would talk about the ladies. And then eventually one of us would like muster up the courage to ask one of the girls out. And when we asked her out and she said no, then something weird happened because then we'd start like dissing her, right? Like we'd start saying, oh, she's not that attractive. She's not even that great. Oh, yeah. I was like, I was like, you know, she's like, I'm, I can do better than that. And we sort of do this weird kind of like rationalization to like put her down and pump ourselves up.

And so that's actually what's going on there is we feel hurt by the rejection. And then our ego steps in and is like, oh, no, we're feeling hurt. Let's feel better. and then it goes over to the intellect, and it's like, hey, come up with some kind of rationalizations about how awesome we are. And let's put her down and let's pump ourselves up. I need evidence to support these two goals. Okay. So this is kind of a quick primer. So let's take a look at narcissism. So in narcissism, what we're talking about is low, oh, oops, low interoperable. self-worth. Okay? So people with narcissism actually, like the reason they're arrogant is because

they actually have low internal self-worth. And so this is where what we usually see, right, when we think about narcissism is like people who are narcissistic have to like advertise how good they are. So since you have low internal self-worth, what we have to do is we rely on external signs of worth. Okay? So if I don't feel confident in myself, what I end up doing is like I'll go to like other people and I'll like, I need them to explain to me that I'm really, really awesome. Right. So when we think about the traditional narcissist, we're thinking about sort of traditional narcissism, okay? So like if we look at the features of traditional narcissism,

We're talking about stuff like arrogance. Okay? We're talking about like showing off. We're talking about being grandiose. Right? So like if I don't believe that like I'm a good person on the inside, what I have to do is like advertise how awesome I am. If I don't think that I'm like a great person,

like and I don't have an intrinsic sense of self-worth, I need to wear really expensive clothes. I need to drive a really nice car because then I can show the world how much I'm worth. I need a really big time. idle at work. I need to have a lot of money. Not only do I need to have a lot of money, I need to show people that I have a lot of money. And sometimes we even end up with a $30,000 millionaire, which is someone who makes $30,000 a year, but lives like a millionaire. They rack up the credit card debt. They like drive nice cars. They're like living the high life. And, you know,

they're going to make all their money down the road. Like, they know that they're going to be like, they're going to hit it because they're so awesome, right? So we have sort of this traditional narcissism, which we can also kind of think of as thick-skinned. So these people sort of seem thick-skinned, because if you insult them, you know, they're not going to start crying. They're very overt, right? They show off. They're very also oblivious. This is what we think of in terms of narcissism. They're so clueless. The world revolves around them. They don't think about anyone else. Relating to this is exhibitionistic, showing off. Right? They're grandiose. And if you also think about traditional narcissists, they devalue other people.

So when it comes to dealing with other people, they'll kind of devalue them. Okay. So what these people do is they have to elicit reassurance. Okay. So we're going to end up eliciting reassurance because that's what you need, right? You guys remember this? We have to rely on external stuff. So I have to like post stuff on social media and then everyone's going to tell me how awesome I am.

I'm going to tell everyone I got promoted. I'm going to wear these nice clothes. And then when you get those compliments, when people give you likes and stuff like that, that in turn enhances your self-worth. Oh, damn it. Okay, you guys with me so far? But only for a time, because it's external, right?

So what these people end up with is sort of like this fragile sense of self-worth because if people don't compliment your clothes and someone else in the room is like, by the way, you got promoted? Oh, I just like started my own company. So it's a very like fragile sense of self-worth that like can fluctuate very wildly, which is what leads to kind of this like bad behavior. Okay. So this results in bad behavior. This is why they become arrogant and they devalue other people. So if someone, if I got a promotion and then someone else is like, oh, I just started my own company, then I'm going to have to devalue that person to poop on them to

make myself feel better because they're exposing my inferiority. And remember, the Ahumkar doesn't want that. It's the bouncer of the mine. So it's like, oh no, this person is making me feel bad. So let's not do that. So this is what people think of as narcissism. Make sense, chat? So now the interesting thing is that if we look at the pieces, okay, if we look at these pieces over here, and we look at these pieces over here, and we look at eliciting reassurance, and we look at enhancing self-worth. and we look at bad behavior, there's actually another set of features which hits all of these same things.

Okay? And this is what this poster is talking about. So let's go back to the top. So let's talk about non-traditional narcissism. Okay? So let's take a look at our list, chat, and let's see if we can figure this out. Okay?

So thick-skinned. What do you guys think these people are like? like, thin-skinned, overt, covert, oblivious, hypervigilant, exhibitionistic, in the closet, or closeted, okay? Grandios, vulnerable. And instead of devaluing, they idealize. Okay? So this is the, the profile of a non-traditional narcissist. So let's run through this real quick, okay? So like when people insult you instead of fighting back, you feel really hurt. But still on the inside, the reason that you have to fight back, like if I get insulted by someone and I don't feel confident, let's say about my intelligence, right? What I have to do is I have to argue with them. I have to

prove them wrong because secretly on the inside, I believe that I may not be very smart. So that's the traditional narcissist. The belief is still the same in the non-traditional narcissist. They still feel insecure, but instead what they do is they feel like. hurt. They avoid. Right? They withdraw. So we'll get to these in a second, but we'll get to like avoidance behaviors in a second. And then they're also, so the traditional narcissist is overt while the non-traditional narcissist is covert. So both of them once again are insecure. So how does the traditional narcissists deal with it? They deal with it by like advertising how awesome they are. whereas the non-traditional narcissist ties, right?

I don't want people to see me. I don't want people to hear me. I don't like, oh my God. Like everyone is like going to realize how bad I am. And we'll get to that in a second. So there's more on that in a second. So then we get to oblivious versus hypervigilant, right? So the traditional narcissist is like, doesn't think about or doesn't appear to be aware of how other people think or feel.

Whereas the non-traditional narcissist is hypervigilant. they're always paying attention to how other people are reacting and how they feel. The traditional narcissist is exhibitionistic, kind of related to covert. So like the non-traditional narcissist keeps everything on the inside and will occasionally show people things. So instead of being grandiose, they'll be vulnerable. And this is a big one, chat. So the traditional narcissist places everyone else below them, right? So I am here and I need to put other people down here.

This balances things out, whereas the non-traditional narcissist puts everyone up here. They idealize instead. Oh, look at how crappy I am. Everyone in the world is better than I am. So then this leads to manipulative behaviors via eliciting reassurance. So what are the behaviors that the non-traditional narcissists engage in? Let's look at this. Right?

So they avoid and they hide, but they also emotionally manipulate. Because you feel insecure about yourself, so you'll do things like seek reassurance. You know, you'll do these little, like, things that sometimes are quite frustrating to people. They're like, oh, are you busy? Oh, you're busy today? Oh, that's okay. I know you have a real life worth living. It's okay.

Don't worry about it. I'm going to hang up now. You go enjoy your life. And then the other person on the phone is like, wait, what? What? What? What's happening? Like, wait?

what? And so what they end up doing is they have this hunger that comes from their low self-esteem. So what they'll end up doing is like all kinds of stuff, being falsely modest, like, you know, eliciting reassurance in some way. But it's kind of like this sneaky kind of manipulative sort of like, you know, like, wo is me and like you're so awesome and I'm so bad. And they do like all these things. Because when you say that to someone, right, it's not insulting. Like when you're dealing with an arrogant narcissist, you don't want to spend time with them because they're being an asshole to you. And when you're dealing with a non-traditional narcissist, it's like you still don't want to spend time with them, but you feel guilty for not wanting to spend time with them.

So you end up spending time with them anyway and like trying to convince them that they're awesome. It's kind of this weird thing that like once again sort of enhances self-worth. Well, it doesn't really enhance self-worth. Temporarily. But it doesn't really understand. It doesn't really address the insecurity because you're kind of manipulating them. into like, you know, supporting you. And so this is kind of an interesting pattern of non-traditional narcissism. And it's interesting because the reason I call it narcissism is if we go back to the roots, there are a lot of common factors, right? So the low internal self-worth and relying on external sense of self-worth to buffer your internal sense of self-worth.

This is the last key thing, okay? This is going to be the last thing that ties all this together. spends a lot of time thinking about how they are perceived. So this is the last common element. So in both of these situations, if we're talking about what are the traits of narcissism, it's this box right here. Because both of these people, at the end of the day,

20% of their ram is spent thinking about how other people are thinking about them. Oh, does this person realize how awesome I am? If they don't realize how awesome I am, I better tell them. Does this person think about how pathetic I am? If they don't realize how pathetic I am, I better tell them. I better advertise. I better get me some of that sweet, sweet reassurance.

And so this is sort of like a good example of understanding like traditional and non-traditional narcissism. Okay? So what are the key features here? And what are we kind of talking about? So the first thing to understand is that not all narcissists are the same. And we sort of have this idea in society that narcissism is characterized by like arrogance and devaluing others and things like that. But if we go to the roots of it, there's another subtle kind of narcissism. And I call it narcissism, but really from a yogic perspective, it's an Ahmkata that's kind of bent out of shape. Low internal self-worth. So I need external reassurance from other people. And then like, since I need that external reassurance from other people, like, it doesn't matter how I get it.

I can go the arrogant route or I can go the pathetic route. They're both still the same thing. Right. So I spend a lot of time thinking about how other people perceive me. And so what ends up happening is if you look at this person, why am I using the term narcissism? It's because everything revolves around them still, right? Even though you feel really terrible. It's like, if someone, someone doesn't have the time to talk to you today, it's like, oh my God, like, I am, I'm not worth anything. Like, they're, they, I'm not worth it enough for them to spend time with me. Like, I'm not good enough. Whereas it's like, no, it has nothing to do with you. It's because, like, this person is moving today. Like, it has nothing to do with you. And so in both of these cases,

this mind that they have thinks that everything is kind of revolving around them, right? If someone doesn't have time for you, that's a personal insult or is justified based on how little you're worth. But at the end of the day, like you're not considering them. You're just thinking about how they think about you. And so that's kind of why we call it sort of traditional and like non-traditional narcissism. Okay. And so it has these other features like being covert, being thin skin, being hypervigilant, idealizing people instead of not idealizing people. And this is why, why I like the Sanskrit because if you think about that kind of person, it's like, is that person really narcissistic? Not really. But they have features of an Ahamkar or an ego that is functioning

in a particular way, which is low self-worth on the inside, therefore I need self-worth from the outside. And I'm going to spend a lot of time figuring out how to get those emotional needs met. No matter what strategy I use, I'm going to get other people to notice and appreciate and tell me how great I am. I can do it by pretending to be pathetic or I can do it by pretending to be awesome, but it's still pretending and I still need it from other people. Okay? So, you know, a lot of people are going to be asking what do we do about it. So once again, I think the first thing is to understand these patterns, right? Like notice what you're doing. Notice like what you do with people when you're feeling like emotionally needy. How do you manipulate them into engaging in a behavior with you?

Right? So like like and notice that kind of thing. And the interesting thing is instead of like giving into that behavior, just notice the need and maybe be a little bit transparent with them and be like, hey, I understand you're busy. I'm kind of feeling down today. Like do you have some time to talk? And just be transparent that you have an emotional need. It can be absolutely terrifying. but notice yourself first and then start to like give people the benefit of the doubt and let them participate in the relationship in a healthy way which can be challenging. So unfortunately there aren't like tips. I mean I can give you a tip but it's like easier said than done. So this is the kind of thing where there's like actually a lot more work that has to go into it.

Right. So we can diagnose someone with depression if someone asks me what are tips for depression where there's like treatment for that. Right. So in the same way like you can, you know, work with a therapist, work with a coach. we have a section of Dr. Kay's guides on the nature of self, which is sort of geared towards narcissism and self-esteem and sort of these ideas of like, what is the true self and what do you think you are and what's the difference there? So we've got some of that kind of stuff in there, so hopefully that'll help.

But I just wanted to kind of explain that concept because I know it's kind of weird that I called like those kinds of people narcissists. So I wanted to clarify and also explain to you that, you know, there's actually this like common root to narcissism, which can manifest in two separate ways. So the non-traditional narcissists is the same as a needy person? Potentially, yes. Right? So if we go back to the core of it, an emotionally needy person can sometimes have this kind of world revolves around them sort of perspective. But I think that an emotionally, there are other reasons why other people can be like emotionally needy without that a hum car kind of thing.

So it's one of the things on the differential diagnosis of an. emotionally needy person. Are there other terms for the non-traditional narcissist? I'm not sure. I think that sometimes people will call them like covert narcissists as well. Like it depends on what the literature is. That's why I like to use the yogic terminology because I think the yogic terminology still explains it the best, which is it's like it's a humkar.

It's like a sense of ego and a low sense of self-worth. and when you start with that low sense of self-worth, you can get those emotional needs met through two different pathways. How to recover from being hurt by a particularly manipulative narcissist? Oh man, this is tricky. It takes a lot of work, but I'd say one really powerful thing that people don't tend to underutilize is actually forgiveness. So once you get really manipulated by an emotional narcissist, I'd say forgiveness and boundary setting are the two things that you need to do to like fix it. Right.

So you sort of understand and you accept that this person like doesn't have control over their emotional needs. So they engage in manipulative behavior. So like, you know, like it's nothing personal. It's not like they tried to screw me over. It's just they're hungry or thirsty and they're going to get their food or drink however they can. And at the same time, while you can forgive them for that and like let go of that anger and let go of that resentment through forgiveness, you also want to set super firm boundaries

because as long as they are, like, you're letting them back into your life, like it's going to keep happening over and over and over again. So this is also really confusing for some people, but you can forgive someone and never talk to them again. Forgiveness is about letting go of your own resentment and like not blaming them anymore. And at the same time, like setting a boundary,

you can forgive someone and also move on. So I'll give you guys just another like simple example to drive that home. So like let's say I'm in a romantic relationship and my partner cheats on me. I can forgive him. I can say like, you know, I understand you made a mistake. Like I understand you didn't mean to. And you know, you hurt me a lot, but I can forgive you for hurting me. Like I forgive you.

And also I'm never going to date you again. This is where people get really confused because they assume that forgiveness means that we're wiping the slate clean and we're reversing time and we're back to square one. Right? Like, but that's not necessarily the case. You can let go of that resentment.

You can say, like, look, I'm not going to, like, I'm going to go on and live my life and I'm not going to hold on to this anger and like, don't worry about it. Like, you made a mistake. I forgive you. You go live your life. I'm going to go live mine.

They're like, wait, but I want to get back together. You're like, yeah, I understand you want to get back together, but I can't trust you. I can forgive you, but like, I don't trust you. and I'm not interested in a relationship with you. I don't hold it like, you know, I wish you know ill will or malice, like I hope you go and find a healthy relationship

and I'm going to go find a healthy relationship too. It's just, I don't think I want to do that with you, right? So someone's asking, what's, so let's understand a couple of things. One is, what's the point of forgiveness? And second is, what's the point of telling them that you forgive them? So the point of forgiveness, I mean, sure, you can sort of do it for them, but, like, I really think forgiveness is powerful for your own benefit.

Because if we think about until I forgive, what am I holding on to? I'm holding on to anger. I'm holding on to resentment. You know, and you're allowed to hold on to that if you want to. I'm not saying necessarily that it's bad to hold on to them, but that's just where you need to make a judgment call. Is this resentment interfering in my life? Yes or no? Right.

And if the resentment is bothering you, then, like, it can be healthy to forgive. And then what's the point in telling them? Because they may be feeling guilty and they may want your forgiveness. They may be asking for your forgiveness. No one is entitled to forgiveness, by the way, right? So forgiveness is entirely the right of the aggrieved party. Like the person who committed the sin or the crime is not entitled to forgiveness of any way, shape, or form. And so I would say you can tell them because, you know, that way they can move on with their life.

it's good for them. And at the same time, hold your boundary, right? Like, fool me once, shame on you, and I'm not going to give you the chance to fool me again. Can you move on without forgiving? I think so. I know it sounds kind of weird, but I think you can move on without forgiving, right? You can say to your, you can accept. So you have to accept. That's the key thing. Moving on is about acceptance. You can accept that this person hurt you and that you've forgiven them and you let them go, no heart feelings, let go of the resentment. Or you can accept, you know what? I'm never going to forgive this person. For the rest of my life, I will detest them and what they did. And that's just like, I'm a hold that.

It's going to be part of me. Like, it's cool. Like, I'm going to go on and live my life, and I can still build a healthy life. But there is a corner of my heart in which I will always loathe and detest this person for what they did to me. And that's okay. No problem. And if people are skeptical about that, because we don't hear that very much, right? So I'm a psychiatrist who works with trauma survivors.

And one of the healthiest things that I've ever realized in therapy because you don't get taught this is like to tell a trauma survivor, you know what? You want to hold on to your fucking hatred. You do it. You do it. Go for it. No big deal. I will support you.

You detest this person and you never forgive them. And they ruined your life. Now, I want to help you rebuild another one. So like, let's work on that. Right? We don't want them ruining our life to like ruin the rest of your life. Do they absolutely ruin things for the first 28 years? Yes.

But we're still going to rebuild, but you can absolutely detest that person. When they die, if you want to go and, you know, like don't go to the funeral. And if you want to, you know, flip them to go walk over to the grave and flip them the middle finger. Like, that's fine. You can do that. You don't have to forgive them. You can hold on to that hatred. But we don't want their, what they've done to you in that hatred.

to prevent you from like building a life worth living, right? You're 28 years old. You've got 40 years left. They screwed you over for the first 28, but like let's do something about the next 40. And if you want to hate them for doing that to you, like I'm completely behind you. Let's do it.

Let's talk about how awful they are because they sure do sound awful. I know it's kind of weird. Yeah, so when someone says, I want those years back, bro, that's where acceptance comes in because you ain't never getting them back. right? So you can be resentful over that and you can get stuck. You can spend all of your time

thinking about the time that you've lost and never looking forward. And then your entire life will be spent in resentment. Or you can acknowledge that time is over and this is where I should be looking. And you can build something worth living. Right? So how would you handle a parent that's toxic. Acceptance slash forgiveness and boundaries. Folks, same answer all the time. We'll teach you a lot more about this. So we're planning like something a lot more in depth about how to set boundaries and things like that. But the short answer is like you accept. Like, you know, they're toxic and they're not going to change. Don't expect them to change. You're just going to, you're setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration. They ain't going to change. You treat them

like a force of nature. Rain is going to be wet. It's just who they are. If you have a narcissistic parent, like that's not going to change. Like, maybe one day it'll change and then lucky you. It's like winning the lottery.

My narcissistic parents is now capable of being emotionally available. Wow. I never expected that. And at the same time, like, they're your parent, but they are the way they are. So like, you know, you can get frustrated at the rain for making you wet.

Or you can grab an umbrella and like move to Arizona where it never rains. So I encourage everyone who's got toxic parents to like, do your Dharma is their child. Right. So whatever that entails, it can be very little or it can be a lot. Like,

I encourage you to like try to be nice to them and try to help them if they need help. And also like, you know, if it's like one, if you see them once a year because it's Christmas time because you're their kid and you're like, okay, fine.

I'm going to, I'm going to have a crappy Christmas this year. and I'm just going to see them once for one week. And they ask you, I never see you. This happens a lot, right? Because like, if you set limits with your parents, anytime you show up, they're like, oh my God, I can't believe you abandoned me.

Like, don't you love me? Like, I only see you during Christmas and then you stop and you ask them. So, like, what's your understanding of why I come here once a year? They're like, because you don't love me, you don't like me. This is so, like, you're so mean,

you don't care about your mom. and then you can kind of point out to them that like everything you're saying is about you. Has it ever occurred to you that like I am a human being in this relationship? What do you think my needs are that I only see you once a week? And then they're going to be super confused. They're like, just tell me, tell me what to do. I'll do anything. And that's when you say, okay, if you weren't willing to do anything,

I want you to think about what my needs are in this relationship and tell me. what you think they are. No, just tell me, just tell me. This is the problem. You're, you're not even spending the energy to think about it. Just think about it and tell me what you think I need in this relationship. No, you won't tell me like, why are you being so mean? And you can say, this is exactly why I come once a year. Because anytime I have a conversation with you, it's always like, woe is me. And I literally am unable to have a conversation with you. I'm asking you to think about my perspective and I'm not seeing you being able to actually do that, which I don't blame you for. It's fine. Like, you are who you are. And your grandparents,

you know, weren't nice to you either. So, like, no big deal. But if you want to understand why I come once a year, that's why I come once a year. Because when I come here, I don't feel like I can have a conversation with you. Like, tell me how to have a conversation. I've asked you what to do. What did you hear me say? What did you hear me ask? You want me to, what again? Just tell me. I'll do anything. I want you to just think about what my needs are in this relationship. like, okay, fine. Will you stay longer? No. I won't. I'm willing to stay for four days. I love you, mom, but I can't tolerate you. It's the most I can handle. And until you're able to understand my needs and help support them in some way, like, I can't be here for longer than four days. I'm sorry.

I wish I had more stamina. Is it so painful to be with me? Yes. Yes, it is. I don't hate you. you, I just find you intolerable. Right? Like, I'm trying, but like, I need you to do more than what you're doing. Right? And that's where, like, sometimes you don't want to pull punches because that's what the narcissists do, right? You guys see that?

Have the narcissistic parent? We just flip to the vulnerable side. Oh, my God. Do you hate me? You're, you're, because you're, you're, you know, you're bludgeoning your parent with truth. And then they play that card. They're going to find some way to emotionally.

manipulate you into like telling them that they're okay. They're looking for that one thing. No, mom, of course, I don't hate you. Oh my God, mom, I'm so sorry. Please stop crying. And then you pat them on the back. Narcissism. Non-traditional narcissism plus traditional racism.

They can flip back and forth with whatever they need to get their fucking emotional needs met. That's how it works. Whatever they need. They'll find a way to get it. So you don't give it to them. You lay your boundaries. you encourage them to introspect.

You can also say things like, here's what I think would be helpful. You're like, I don't know what to, I don't know how to think about your needs. I don't know what you want. You can say, okay, so if you're having trouble figuring out, I totally understand.

I recommend you see a therapist and talk to them about it and see what they think. They're like, whoa, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay. So I made a recommendation to you. I think that would be helpful. You're telling me you don't know what to do.

I think this will be helpful. And you're choosing not to do it. What is the therapist going to tell me? You just tell me, what is the therapist going to tell me? I'm not sure. It's my recommendation. Do you want to do what I am recommending? Yes or no. You don't have to. You just tell me.

I don't see how it's going to help. Why won't you just tell me? What did I do wrong? Yeah. So I've said what I'm going to say. I don't think continuing this conversation is useful at all. I'm happy to listen. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. So I've shared with you what I think we need to move this relationship forward. You're welcome to do it if you want to.

You're welcome to not do it if you don't want to. don't see the point. Tell me the point. And they're like, go to therapy and you'll see. Like, no, tell me. Why should I do it? And they're just constantly trying to engage with you. Constantly trying to pull you in. Pull you in. Pull you in. Pull you in. Pull you in. Are you telling me I'm broken? Are you telling me that I'm a bad parent? Are you telling me that I ruined your life? There it is, looking for the reassurance. And you can say, did you hear me say any of those things? Oh, whoa, whoa. Okay, I'm going to just step out. I'm literally going to step out of the conversation right now because I see that you're talking. but I think I've already made my point.

You just keep talking. You seem to be like trying to corner me with like asking me for particular stuff. So I'm literally going to walk away from this conversation. You turn around, you walk out because they will continue asking you questions. They will continue talking to you

until they wear you down. You become cognitively disinhibited. You can't control your emotions anymore. And then if you lash out at them, they're going to feel vindicated. Because they feel unloved. They feel hated. And if you lash out of them, they're like, oh, see, he hates me.

Oh, my God, I was right all along. And then the cycle reinforces. So literally extract yourself from the conversation. Only solution you can do. Okay? What if you do hate them? You could tell them it may not help. What I would say is that there's a part of me that hates you.

I'd leave some wiggle room in there. She's in my room, though. So walk out of your room. Hi. Welcome to your neighborhood pharmacy. Hi. I've got a prescription. for diabetes test strips. How much is the copay?

Well, it depends on your type of commercial insurance and factoring in your yearly spend, subtracting the deductibles, also depending on your monthly allowance based on... Why can't there be a better option? Or you could try Contournext test strips. A 35 counts only 1999 over-the-counter and proven to be highly accurate. Go to contournex.com slash radio to see if over-the-counter strips are a more affordable option for you. I think I'll try Contour Next. I can't give advice though. They'll be like you came out of my and now giving me advice? No, I'm not giving you advice. I'm letting you know what I think, what I need in this relationship. You can do it or not do it. And they're like, screw you. I ain't going to do it. You're like,

okay, fine. No big deal. I've asked you to do something. You don't have to do it. Right. I came out of your V5 asterisks anyway. Yeah. So for a lot of people who are talking about like, I get slapped and stuff. Like, yeah. So there's, there's a whole like, this is why like, so I'm kind of going off script here. This is why, like, this is actually a whole long thing, which includes power dynamics, okay? So that's the really tricky thing here, is that if your parents, if there's a power dynamic between you and your parents, you have to respect that power dynamic. You can't get over it. A big dialogue tree is absolutely right. We have, like, I've literally written out a dialogue tree that is very long. All right, we've got more,

we've got more stuff. Dr. Kay's randoing. More posts. Yeah, need skill 100 for this? Yes, you absolutely do. So let me explain something to y'all chat. If Dr. Kay is sitting here on stream and telling you, just do this, just say this, man. It's how it works.

I want you all to understand. I have literally had like eight to 10 years of training and experience. Like residency is like 80 to 100 hours a week for four years. Okay, so what I am capable of doing is, not because I'm amazing, but also requires a lot of experience, right? I am a professional. I'm a professional talker. And so you all need to cut yourself some slack, give yourself some patience, be patient with yourself, and work on these things like a little bit at a time. And I've seen people get there. It's going to take you a year or two, not kidding. Like, don't expect everything going to turn around six months from now.

setting limits with your parents is a lifelong journey. Okay? It is exhausting. But, you know, you can do it. It just takes effort, energy, awareness, and patience. Like, y'all will get there. Like, I have faith in you. Like, I don't think you have to become a psychiatrist

because we learn all kinds of other crap, right? It's not just setting boundaries with entitled parents or narcissistic parents. There's more. There's things like ECT and TMS and pharmacology. There's a lot of stuff packed in there. Like, it's going to take some time. Why is life so exhausting? Because we don't understand the rules and no one teaches us.

That is why life is exhausting. I can guarantee all, if you want life to be easy, start with understanding life. Understand it. Understand the rules. Understand the controller. Understand the player character. Understand the NPCs. Understand the mechanics.

Then life becomes easy. But the reason it's so exhausting is because we're like, you know, we're playing, we're trying to play the video game of life with the monitor turned off or unplugged. And then we're like, it's so hard to find everything. And it's like, yeah, plug in your monitor. We're going to start there. And then it'll become easy. I'm not kidding here.

It's like, seriously, you guys will be amazed at how easy things become once you understand them. Because no one gives us a user manual of the self. No one is like, this is how your memory works. This is how your emotions work. This is how you set boundaries with other human beings. This is what a sexual relationship is like. This is what an unhealthy sexual relationship is like. This is how you find your purpose in life.

This is how you find meaning. This is what you should eat so that you don't feel sluggish in the morning. This is how procrastination works. There are three types of procrastination. There's perfectionistic procrastination, which is when you don't get started because you want to be perfect. And you're not willing to get started because you need to be perfect. Then there's operational procrastination, which is when the task is so big that literally the circuits in your brain are not able to chunk it up into pieces so that you can't execute it.

It feels overwhelming and feels too big. And then the third type of procrastination is emotional procrastination. So there can be all kinds of weird emotions that keep you from starting. Like you're afraid that you're going to get rejected. Why don't you apply for a job? Because what if they say no? Why don't you ask for a letter of recommendation? Because I don't want to inconvenience them.

I'm afraid that they will think about me like I'm entitled. So I'm not going to do it. So it's emotions, right? So like no one teaches us this stuff. And that's why life is hard. We're all three again. We have a whole video about this chat. There's a whole webinar on YouTube about the three types of procrastination.

And why procrastination is so bad? Because everyone is like, this is the solution to procrastination. No, the problem is that procrastination is an umbrella term, which actually has multiple discrete processes. which is why operational procrastination solutions aren't going to work with people who have emotional problems. And emotional procrastination solutions aren't going to work with people who have perfectionistic problems. Okay?

You are my procrastination. Yes. You guys don't think that I'm aware of that? There's a reason why we entertain you first and try to slip some knowledge in when you're not looking. And then eventually, so this is the crazy thing. Apparently it's actually working and people on the internet are getting better. So by all means procrastinate with us. Don't procrastinate too much.

Come on, man. Let's get some of your work done. But at least learn something, right? And if you're going to stick around for Dr. K's stream and you're procrastinating, at least go after meditation. Just meditate three times a week. Strengthen your frontal lobes,

you'll stop procrastinating as much. It's okay. We don't have to tell you. You can still procrastinate. I promise you. You're not going to get anything from watching the stream. Right?

Okay. Let's do another post. See, there we go. Wonder Mads is just like, I'm doing paperwork. right now. Exactly, bro. Brilliant. Or I assume you're a woman. Exactly. Lady. So, Chad, I have a problem. So I use the masculine. I say guys and bros. Or I'll sometimes use the masculine because I'm trying to figure out it feels demeaning to me to say like lady. Is that, can somebody help me with this? So I use guys in a unisex, but I'm trying to learn an action because it's like that's the that's the, that's the, that's the. double standard, right? When you assume that your gender is unisex.

Everyone falls under. That's like, that's the problem, chat. That's the whole problem. Do you guys, get that? Because guys is not unisex. We're taking the male and we're making it the standard of society. That's the whole problem. Right?

So I say y'all. I love y'all. Y'all, it's great. Friend. Friend is good. I say that to. Person. Person sounds weird, dude.

It's so weird. Peeps. Ooh, that's good. Peeps. Human colleague. Queen? I'm working on it, okay? So if I'm offending anyone, please, please, I love your forgiveness.

Honestly, I'm working on it, and it's just hard to rewire growing up in Texas. Y'all have to remember, I'm a tiny bit of a boomer. Amigos is masculine. Come on. Just changing it to Spanish doesn't fix the problem. But Chad, what about the Stacey's in chat? Chattars. That's why chatars. Chattars is good. You guys see, I'm making progress. Y'all chatars see?

See, I can't say chatars there. I got to say guys. Y'all, y'all see, friends. Okay. I'm working on it, okay? So I'd appreciate your patience. Thank you very much. All right, let's do another post. Okay. All right. Hello, my Twitch edition, I'm assuming this is addiction, is tearing me apart. Hello, I just want to share with you my daily struggles with my Twitch and gaming addiction.

Since I was eight years old, I've been watching how other people play video games from a local TV show. Wow, dude, that's dope. I'm an introvert and I have social and communication problems, very shy, et cetera, and now I'm 19. I can literally watch Twitch all day long. I have my favorite streamers and in my worst times I can feel pretty bad if I miss a live. Oh, interesting. It's like I'm missing something important. The bonds are too strong, the bonds that I don't have with my IRL friends. I feel like all my social needs are covered when I watch these streamers talking to me. I love to be passive. I don't really have to talk to anyone at the same time I feel surrounded by people. I don't like using the chat.

I don't meet new people. I know it's not a healthy relation, the one I have with Twitch. I'm a freelance and I work from home. I set up my own schedule and if I have too much work, I start to feel really. anxious when I don't have time to watch streams. I stop working if necessary and miss my deadlines. I don't like weekends because I have to make plans with IRL people and I feel like I'm losing time. I could spend watching my favorite streamer. When I look back, all the time spent watching streams really worth nothing, but when I watch the streams, I feel really good. As you may think,

I feel pretty depressed and when not watching streams. I'm losing real friends and experiences, I have a huge lack of motivation for anything not Twitch-related. I'm also unable to make friends on this platform to get something good out of it. This is like the third time I realize this is going too far. I'm starting a detox plan to switch gears and get back on track again. I'm super anxious just thinking about it. If you have been in a similar situation, I'd love to hear what you did to get better. Thanks for reading. Okay. All right. So this is a fantastic post. you know, it's unfortunate that this person is struggling this much, but there are a lot of really good things here, okay?

So to begin with, props to you for making the post. Right? So we've got to be careful because when we feel like we're making a mistake in life, our mind will do anything to convince us that we're making a mistake in life. It'll try to keep you there. So this is tricky. But there's a part of this person's mind that I would bet money, was like, don't make this post, it's a waste of your time. No one's going to be able to help you.

You can figure it out on your own, or if you can't figure it out, no one can figure it out for you. Don't bother. There's the part of your mind that says don't bother. So the first thing that I want to commend this person for is actually making the post. Because they're stepping outside of their comfort zone. They're asking for help. They're being a little bit open-minded. They're noticing that this is a problem. They're accepting that's a problem. They're telling the whole internet that it's a problem. So they're owning it. Right? That's the first thing. step, accept that you have a problem. So good job, O.P. A couple of other things to note. Okay. So second thing is, like, let's talk about like psychology, neuroscience, and

development, cognitive development. So this person has been watching video games since the age of eight and they're now like in their late 20s, right? So what this means is that the parts of your brain that enjoy social interaction or capable of social interaction and like get satisfied from real-life interactions are like kind of rusty. Like your brain has evolved to get social needs met through Twitch. So this is going to sound kind of weird, but there's something that I see unfortunately a lot as a psychiatrist called death grip syndrome, which is when people masturbate for a long period of time, like years, and then when they actually have sex for the first time, they're not actually able to like achieve climax through sexual intercourse. And it's because

they've like physically trained their body to climax in a particular kind of stimulation. And so it just takes time to like rewire your neurons to get satisfied from this other kind of pleasure. And the weird thing that I've been seeing is like that's not, it's not just physical. It's just the example that I use because it seems to relate to people. But our, it can be anything that our body climatizes to, right? So if we're kind of thinking about, you know, even like my tolerance for spicy foods, if I grew up not eating. spicy foods, it's going to be hard for me to tolerate, you know, eating spicy foods. And in that same way, so your brain has learned to, like, receive social satisfaction from Twitch.

So cognitively, you've developed that way. You've developed with parisocial relationships, so they feel more satisfying to you. Now, thousands of years from now, people may sort of philosophically debate, or even today, about whether online social relationships are better or not better, maybe it's like a current judgment that our society holds, I don't know. But for now, if you want to engage more in the real world, then you place more value on that. Recognize that it's going to take some time for your brain to adapt to real world relationships. Okay, so it's just going to take some time. So put yourself out there. Go into each of those social interactions, recognizing that this is going to be harder for me. I'm not going to enjoy it as much. And it is one step towards the life

that I want to live. And that's key. Right. So here's the big thing to remember. remember, whether things are easy or hard, think about your Dharma. What's my duty? What am I doing this for? So I'm doing this because on some level, I find these Twitch relationships to be insufficient. So today, let's say your friends want to make plans with you, right? So they're calling you, like, hey, do you want to hang out on Friday? There's a part of you that's like, I'm going to miss the stream. So just think for a second, pause for a second and ask yourself, you know, who do I want to be tomorrow? Like, am I going to miss the stream? Absolutely. Am I going to have less fun in real life? Absolutely. Am I going to love being here and watching the streamer live? Absolutely. Am I going to feel connected and whole by being on Twitch? Absolutely.

And tomorrow, do I want to be someone that gets their feeling of being connected and whole through a parisocial relationship or through a real life relationship? Who do I want to be? It's not about what you get. It's about what you want to be. And as you navigate that, as you reflect on that, you'll start to gravitate. towards real life. The last thing to kind of consider is that this person says that they have a huge lack of motivation, so we're going to highlight a couple of things in their text, okay? So I feel pretty depressed.

I have a huge lack of motivation for anything not Twitch-related. This is actually a great sentence. Because the last thing that you need to do to really crack this open is this feeling. I feel pretty bad if I miss a live stream. Why?

What is it that you feel like you're missing? You know? Like, and this is where I'd really, I'd really encourage this person to stop and really think about what is it that they're missing by missing the stream. And really, like, understand, because I suspect that there's something else there that we're, that is, like, there's something under the surface.

This feels like a somscar to me. Let me just read this again. And my worst times I can feel pretty bad if I miss something live. So I'd start by asking yourself the question, like, what are you missing? And have you missed something live before? And what did you feel like? Because what this person is telling me here is that something bad happened that they missed live. And so the reason they need to watch is because they don't want that to happen again.

They don't want to miss out again. This is the hurt of missing out once resurfacing. So your brain is telling you, hey, if you skip this stream, you're going to miss out again. Right? So like, you got to be careful about where that, what's missing? What do you lose by not watching something? So I start to feel anxious when I feel like I won't have time to watch streams. There it is again, right?

What are you anxious about? What is it that you're truly missing? I stop working if necessary and miss my deadline. So you're really getting something out of this, right? What is it that you're really getting? What is it that you're missing if you don't watch the stream? And this also, like, I would ask yourself, you know, what are you, what's the hunger that's being fulfilled by watching the stream? Because this kind of goes back to this idea that like, you know, you're getting some need met, right?

So the reason that behaviors are reinforced is because they're doing something for us. So I would really think long and hard about like, what is this behavior doing for me? What is it that I'm really missing? And don't, don't listen to your logic. your logic is telling you, oh, you're not missing anything. There are going to be a thousand of other streams. Like, oh, like, you're stupid. Like, don't worry about missing it.

Like, there's nothing to miss. Like, it's empty. That's not going to help. Right? Because if you tell yourself that the emotional need is like not, doesn't care about that logic. It's going to get its needs met. So the question is to really, like, ask yourself and pay attention to what are you missing?

You know, what's the cost of this? Why is it that you don't want to pay that cost? When have you paid that cost before? And when did you? you learn that streams are not missable? How did you discover that like this is something that my life revolves around? And you have to be really authentic with yourself and explore that. Absolutely something that I think a coach could help you with, by the way. I mean, is there something clinical here? Can you see a therapist? Sure. But I think we've just heard so many

bad stories in this community about, you know, people going to see therapists and them saying, like, I'm addicted to Twitch and the therapist is like, just watch less bro. You know, I'm not trying to, I know there are a lot of therapists out there who are getting wise real quick, but it's the kind of thing where, you know, someone made like, I mean, I have colleagues that would diagnose you with depression and start you on an SSRI and send you home. We've heard that story a thousand times in this community. I'm not saying that you shouldn't, by all means, go get evaluated because there's other confounding factors, right? Maybe you do have depression. And so that's worth absolutely getting checked out. And at the same time, I really try to find someone either yourself or someone else who can help you,

kind of work through this stuff. Okay? Okay. I feel like I have no personality and I'm hollow. I feel afraid of talking to people in reality or online. I feel like I'm too boring for them and have nothing of value to offer. Sometimes I muster up the courage to message people or respond to their messages, but then I end up ghosting them for weeks just because I don't want to end up having a conversation with them and them realizing I am boring and then stopping talking to me. I feel like I will end up alone, even if I do or don't want to talk to people, because if I do, they will realize I have no substance as a person or that I'm just uninteresting or unfunny. If I don't, then I will just be alone in the end because I never talk to anyone. I do have a few close friends and I talk

to them regularly, but they're just too close to realize that I'm like this. They tell me that I'm interesting and funny. But I think only they feel. find me that way. It's like when your mom tells you you're good looking, when you know you aren't. I think the people I have been avoiding talking to are really cool and would be really great friends, but I just don't think I am on their level as a person. How do I overcome this fear of rejection? Great question. Okay, so hold on. Chat. Dr. Kay needs to think for a second. Can I have that opportunity, chat? Okay, so first thing that we're going to do, chat, is we're going to map out.

I'm going to just show. Let me just do this with y'all. Okay. So I'm going to, so I'm going to map out what this person's mind looks like. And I was doing it myself, but I realize I can do that with y'all.

Come on. Work. Believe, chat. Believe. No. Are we screwed? I can fix it. Damn you.

why do you keep switching networks on me? Okay, this is going to be, hopefully this will be useful. We're going to try something else, okay? I'm going to share with you all how I understand the mind of this person. And I want to show you guys if you can relate to this, how to understand your mind, okay? So this is going to be a little bit tricky, but what I'm going to, oh, shit. What I'm going to ask you all to do is go ahead and just open up the Reddit post on a side window. Okay?

Because I'm going to be looking at the Reddit post, but I'm going to show you guys my screen. Okay? Because I'm going to have it here. I'm going to go through line by line. And I'm going to show you guys sort of how this mind works. Okay. Okay. So let's start with this.

So the first thing to understand is that these are the core beliefs. I am too boring. Sorry, guys. I am actually a medical doctor, which means that my handwriting is terrible. I'm not valuable, right? And so then sometimes what this person actually does is builds up courage and then reaches out. And then over time, they'll end up ghosting.

Right? So then I don't know exactly where that arrow is going. Maybe ghosting should go here. So I'm trying to figure out, do this, but okay. So like this is one cycle. So, okay, I don't want to end up having a conversation with them and them realizing. They will realize. Okay, so what this means, they will realize that I'm not valuable.

So you're pretending or being an imposter. Okay, so there's a touch of that. You all see that? Okay. I need to talk to other people, or I will be alone. So what I'm sort of noticing here is that there's like a war between these two parts of the mind. You guys see that? So like sometimes like this part wins and then sometimes this part wins.

This part usually ends up winning. Okay, so then they will realize my close friends too close to realize. Okay, so that's why this isn't this is I'm gonna put like a green arrow here because Actually, let's do let's do blue. Okay, so we're gonna have a realization oriented stuff this way. I know this is like this is why I wanted to think for a second because I don't know exactly where I'm going with this, but Okay, so this is the mom example. Okay. And then I think I've been avoiding talking to are really cool and could be really great friends,

but I just don't think I'm on their level as a person. I'm not valuable. So let's look at this mind. So this over here is the sumskar. Do you guys see how like everything here that we're talking about revolves around this? complex. As long as this is here, the rest of the stuff will actually just, you know, everything here, all of this stuff will continue to persist. So let's look at their current pattern of behavior. So they start here, they build up the courage, okay? They reach out,

and then the courage goes away. They lose the courage, and then they end up ghosting. So there's almost like there's a, so really what it is is courage versus ghosting. Okay. And so this is a balance. And on a given day, they can use willpower to bolster courage, right? They can ignore all of these thoughts. And then what's going to happen is courage will be greater than the tendency to ghost and disappear. But the problem is that willpower is not sustainable. So over time, the willpower will

will decrease, we'll cross this threshold, and then you'll ghost. And once you ghost, you're going to feel bad. And then as you feel bad, you're going to reinforce this. Okay? You all with me? Because now you feel guilty. You're like, oh, my God, I'm so pathetic. I can't even, I can't even you know, like, I can't even like text people back. Oh my God. And so this thing then gets stronger. It levels up. You all see that? This cycle? G.G. Noobs. Okay. So now let's, now these are rationalizations. They will realize, right? Like I can only put on a mask for so long. And this doesn't even make any sense rationally. My close friends are too close to realize how pathetic I am. No, dude, it's the opposite.

Right? The closer someone is to you, the more they get your authentic self. So if your close friends, really logically, if your close friends like you, they're closer to the real you. That's not usually the mask. But if I were to say that to this person, they would argue with me until they were blue in the face. Like, I wouldn't get anywhere. But do you all see chat how these are rationalizations? They're fears.

It doesn't make any sense. So this is like when your mind tells you all kinds of stuff like don't bother. It's a waste of time. No point in trying to hang out if they are going to, you ready for it, chat? Here's the climax. Find out eventually. That's what the mind tells you, right? These are all the rationalizations.

These are the responses of your mind. this is what it tells you to protect against rejection because what this person is trying to avoid is this cycle right? If I never reach out in the first place because every time I reach out I'm going to end up ghosting then I'm going to feel bad

and this is going to get worse so this is what you have to understand reaching out just makes you feel bad and that's why we don't do it you guys see that so then the mind says hey buddy the mind is smart this is a smart person right so these thoughts come over here and they're like hey wait a minute this is bad every time we reach out we end up over here and we feel worse about ourselves so don't bother stop doing it stop doing it and then this is the last

part so this is like the the warring part right we go over here which is like i need people this isn't healthy. So the first thing to understand is that you can tackle any of these. But I'd say that you can tackle the cognitions and defense mechanisms if you want to. You can tackle this cycle if you want to, but I think this is where it starts. And if this, if you can cross this out, if you can cross this out, everything else is going to come crumbling down. This is going to come crumbling down. This is going to come crumbling down. This is going to come crumbling down. It'll all just, it'll all come crumbling down. Okay? So there's one question that I have for you, if this person is watching or anyone who relates to this, is where did you learn that you're not valuable? Because as long as that belief is held, all this crap is going to persist. Do you all get that? Like, you guys see how, like, as we draw it out, like, you can argue with the rationalizations. And the problem that people run into with these things is that they'll deal with any one of those things, right? So if you go to someone, you're like, How do I stop ghosting people?

And it's like that is such a weird adaptation of an adaptation of an adaptation. It's so far from the root. Like you can work on that and it is valuable, right? So what we want to do is we want to approach it from both ends. We want to approach it like in the moment in symptomatic relief and root cause relief. But I would start with this is where did you learn that all these other people are better than you? Because you can even see it. Okay?

It's subtle. I mean, actually it's not subtle. What am I saying? It's brightest day. Okay. Could be really great friends, but I just don't think I'm on their level as a person. Why not? When did you stop being on their level as a person? What level are you on? How did you get on that level? Why are they on a different level? Right? And so you can go back to like, you know, this is, we see the Ahumka. You guys see the sense of self, the identity. The identity is like I'm a bad person. And then everything that we talked about in terms of like the non-traditional narcissism actually applies.

here too, right? Because they idealize all of their friends because they're a humkars active. And so you look up to everyone, oh my God, everyone's so awesome. So where does that come from? And as you start to dismantle that belief, okay, I saw an interesting post from a week ago. Let me see if I can find it real quick. So, you know, there's just a quick one that I'm going to show someone else posted. It didn't get a whole, I mean, it was someone sharing an experience, but I'll just give you guys kind of a quick example. So I'll show you guys what this. So my surprising experience with coaching.

So they've been in the self-improvement online world with books and all this for years. So like my first session started out with some overviews and just thinking in the basics of what coaching is. Second session I was actually planning on cutting things short. I really felt like I had a lot of self-awareness from therapy and self-improvement stuff. I know I have self-value problems. I know I have anxiety about work. When I click the call button on Discord to have my second session, I made a mental note to mention to my coach that I was considering ending after the session. I never planned on breaking down about 20 minutes later with emotion.

There was such an intense sumscar that I always felt there and had never accessed in the way that I had. My coach was asking me seemingly basic questions and reflecting back to me the things I said. I was so sure initially that I knew more about myself than anyone could and it was a waste of time to do coaching. I identified the somscar and where it came from and blah, blah, blah, okay? and so you all can read the rest of the post. I think I just highlight this to illustrate a couple of things. The first is that this is how a somskar works. Okay?

Blah, blah, blah, they got better. It's a short answer. And so the key thing, though, is that, like, once you hit it, and it's kind of hard to describe it, but, like, once you find it, like, stuff starts crumbling down. Yeah, let me drop the link. Sorry, I didn't mean. I just realized, you know, I just felt something. I felt like it was arrogant to show something about a success story from like our program. So I felt like it was, that was my own ego actually getting in the way.

It happened quick. And so I felt embarrassed to share how this person had made progress, which is silly. Yeah, so exactly. So Osterholtz is saying coaching, it just works. Hashtag ad. That's actually exactly what I was trying to avoid, which is why I didn't read the rest of the post. You guys see that? it's interesting. Like I just got, my ego happened. Um, so I, I didn't want to share because I didn't want it to come across. I was thinking about what y'all were thinking about. And I was like, oh, I don't want these people to perceive me as a narcissist, so I have to stop reading this success story. Right. So it happens quick. The couple of key points, though, is that when you guys have a problem and you kind of find the middle of it, right? Like you find that core and you discover it and start working on, all the other crap will come crumbling down. It's just how it works. It's just how it works. And you kind of find a problem. And you kind of. It's just how it works.

works. Now, a couple things to remember. So this sounds like a wonderful ad for coaching, which I actually need to give you guys a big caveat about. This person is like, oh my God, I was not expecting this. This coach was brilliant. I can guarantee you every coach out there who's watching the stream is currently terrified because they're like, I don't know if I can do that. Are people going to be expecting this emotional catharsis after two sessions? Like, I can't do that because they can't do that. This is where I want you guys to remember that this person has been doing self-approvedment work and therapy and stuff for years. So I think it was right under the surface, right?

It was ready to come out. And so I don't think the coach was, I'm sure the coach was great. Like they probably did a good job. And at the same time, you have to be careful about your expectations because this person, I think, was like, it's like right underneath the surface. So it'll come out relatively easily. They were ready for it. Right. So our coaches do a fantastic job.

Don't get me wrong. And at the same time, I would be really, really careful about not expecting this. So just show up, try to do the best that you can. Your coach is going to show up and try to do the best that you can. We have a big policy here at hell. It's not really a policy. It's like a ethos. That, you know, we just show up and we do the best that we can on a given day.

That's our dharama. Our dharma is to show up. I'm going to show up on stream. I'm going to try to help as much people as many people as I can in two hours. And that's what we're going to do. maybe y'all will like it maybe you won't am i going to have the answers i don't really know we're just going to show up and we're going to give it everything we've got and that's kind of and that's what i encourage you all to do as well just show up and give it everything you've got okay yeah patience is key

um okay let's do one more okay oh man these are so good okay let's do one more yeah we'll start meditation in like hopefully 10 minutes okay i was thinking about the of porn and graphic sexual content in today's culture. I was wondering what would be Dr. Kay's thoughts on how this is affecting the human mind and mental health. I feel that genuine human intimacy is going down in this day and age, but it could just be me. Sexuality is something so common and frequent to humans naturally, however, that it just seems natural that in the internet age it would be everywhere. However, I feel that, as I said, this is affecting human intimacy and it, at least in my eyes seems to be making sexuality and sexual experiences not as special or exciting as they should be.

Just some thoughts in the community would love to hear people's ideas. Okay, let me think about this. Oh, man. So I think this is such a complicated question. Like, so the simplest questions actually have the most complicated answers because it depends on what level you want to talk about, okay? So if we want to try to understand the inundation of porn and sexuality and like sexually explicit that, not even sexually explicit, sexually implicit things on the internet, right? So if you look at things like the hot tub meta on Twitch, that's not sexually explicit, but sexually implicit. So we are absolutely being inundated and bombarded with sexual stimuli.

And so the question is, what does that do to us? And the short answer is like, no one really knows, but I suspect it ain't great. So here's what we do know. If we look at content on the internet, what I have come to realize is that, like, the content that does well is the stuff that from an evolutionary or sort of takes advantage of like the evolution of our brains. So our brains have evolved to be attracted to particular things. And though that attraction in our brain led to survival benefits. So a good example of this is like we're attracted to high. calorie density food.

So we're attracted to food that is like, you know, sugary, fatty, delicious, right? We call it delicious. Like food that is like low calorie is not usually considered delicious. And so then what happens is our body has evolved to have a preference for this one

thing because it used to be a survival advantage. And then we started making like, you know, twinkies. And then suddenly people are now dying of diabetes. because their body has evolved to tell them to like eat this unhealthy food. And what we have is we have industries that have adapted to this evolutionary preference like fast food. Right? So like we have calorie dense pizza, all this kind of stuff. I had pizza

last night. It was delicious. I hadn't had pizza in a while. And I ate like a thousand calories. And like our so we have entire industries that have adapted to meet this need. And then we what happens is like the industry is just sort of like we're just making the pizza like we're not you know people can choose to eat it or not even it's like we're just making pizza right and so there's like personal freedom arguments and all that kind of stuff but i think industries are adapting to fit the existing architecture of our brains and i think this is essentially happening with the internet dopamine and like sexuality so you know the last big revolution that was predatory on the way that our our brains and bodies have evolved may have been like the food industry. And now what we've got is this whole cognitive, like technology, like predatory kind of stuff. I don't think they're, oh, I mean, some of them are trying to be predatory. Some of them aren't trying to be predatory, right? So if like you're a game designer, some of them are like, you know, sitting there like as CFO and trying to think, like, how can we extract more,

how can we like extract more juice from this sweet, sweet pudgy gamer? and then like some people are like you know how can I make the game that I want to play how can I make a game that's more fun than anything I've ever played before and and so both of those things will end up with with arguably like things that will be predatory on our on our circuitry and so I think we're seeing this in sexuality as well we're like content people are sort of figuring out like you know Instagram is a good example right so like everyone is like editing Instagram photos and I saw that there was recently legendary in Norway where you have to like let people know that your Instagram is edited. And so like what everyone is doing is they're like gravitating towards like these people aren't really sure. They don't know. They're not neuroscientists. But if I'm an Instagram model, I'm going to real like I'm going to figure out from a Darwinian sense, right? I'm going to try this post and it's not going to work. I'm going to try this post. It is going to work. Oh, what did I do there? Oh, I was wearing something skimpier. Okay. Now I'm going to try skimpy, but this is too skimpy.

and now people think that I'm kind of like, you know, hoish. So, like, people didn't like that as much. So I need to be, like, just hoish enough, right? So that's sort of like the idea behind, like, and they figure this out. They figure out, like, how the brain is wired and what leads to the most kind of, like, pull. So some of the impacts that we're seeing are, you know, we're seeing things like pornography addiction. So we're seeing that, for example, the more likely you are to get addicted to pornography, like, depends on how early you were exposed to pornography.

and also the intensity of the pornography that you were exposed to. So we are seeing real, like, psychiatric consequences. We're also seeing, as this person suggests, like some confusion around intimacy and expectations. So a lot of people who, you know, grow up watching porn will have particular expectations of what, you know, what the appropriate response is. So I one time had a patient who told me that they were unable to have, an orgasm when they masturbate. And as I talk to them,

I realized, like, actually, when they masturbate, they are having an orgasm. It's just in the pornography, there's, like, so they used to say that I can get to the first part of orgasm. I was like, what do you mean the first part of orgasm? And they're like, well, I get a little of,

I get like a small amount of ejaculate, but I don't get to the full ejaculate. I was like, what do you mean the full ejaculate? And then I realized that, like, when you watch pornography, a copious amount of ejaculate that like this person had what I assumed to be like a normal ejaculation. I still remember I looked up what is the, I still remember like after an appointment. I looked up what is the average amount of human, what is the median amount of human ejaculate

in milliliters? And so pornography had given this idea that like orgasm is this like just explosion of like buckets of ejaculation. And they just didn't. understand that, right? So, like, they would actually masturbate and they, like, they thought they were, like, busted in some way. So, like, you know, the impacts of pornography, is their pornography addiction? Absolutely. Is it affecting with intimacy? Like, I think so. And then there are all these other, like, unexpected outcomes that we just don't, we're not going to know, right? Like, you can't predict that if people watch a lot of pornography, like, teenagers are going to get confused about when they have an orgasm. That's not like, you just can't make that prediction. But it

it's an effect. And so, you know, what effect is it having the short answer is like we sort of don't know. So we're certainly seeing some of these things like, you know, death grip syndrome and some of these other things where our brain is like wiring to expect a certain kind of stimulus. And then it takes some time for us to like rewire to like regular stimuli. And so, you know, there are a couple of things like this. But the short answer is like, is it affecting us? Absolutely. And the reason that we don't know is because pornography and sexually explicit and implicit material is evolving so quickly that we can't even study it. Like, we can't study it fast enough.

So if you think about, you know, five years ago, like, OnlyFans didn't exist. But at least I don't think so. Maybe it did. But now what's happening is, like, I'm sure that OnlyFans, the parasycial element of OnlyFans is going to create intimacy issues in real relationships. Because for a long time, partners have always been concerned about, yeah, what? Oh, so what were we saying? What was I saying?

Oh, yeah, Only fans. So, you know, partners for a long time have been concerned that, like, oh, if my partner watches pornography, like, it feels like they're cheating, right? Like, partners have all, like, been concerned about, you know, watching pornography and, like, you know, what? whatever. And then like, I think that there's an emotional component. There's a parasycial component on OnlyFans, which is going to exacerbate those kinds of feelings and the people who are like are vulnerable to them. Right. So like it's completely possible that, you know, their majority of the population or maybe the minor, I have no idea will be totally fine with, you know, someone donating 100 or purchasing, I guess, you know, $100,000 of content a month on Onlyfans. Like some partners may be like

comfortable with that, right? Because polyamory is also growing, like, open relationships are growing. Like, everything's changing, so that could be fine. But at the same time, I think that, like, the reason that Only Fans is successful is because pornography is evolved. And what people have figured out is that, like, there's an element of pornography that's purely physical. And it started off with a magazine, right? There's, like, zero interaction. And then, like, how much will it prey on our brain if I get like interaction with that woman. I can lust for a particular. I'm just sort of thinking about the heteronormative here and a masculine perspective. But, you know, if I, if I'm a man and I'm lusting for a woman, like looking at a playboy magazine,

like that's fine. But then suddenly like I'm able to interact with the woman. I'm able to get the woman's attention. Like I'm able to like have more contact with her. And we just saw from a post earlier today that like, you know, people can get addicted to Twitch and stuff because of these parasycial interactions. So there's like the like, you know, what effect is. Like, you know, what effect is it having, honestly, as a scientist, the right answer is I don't know and no one does. And at the same time, we are clearly seeing signs of something is changing in our brains in the way that we interact with each other. Now, I'm not going to be quite as doomsday as many people will. Everyone's like, oh my God, the world is coming to the end. Like, only fans will be the death of all relationships. And I'm sure that someone out there believes that.

But I also think that the reason we stream on Twitch is because we can sort of fight fire with fire. right? So like we can, people can become addicted to Twitch and people can hopefully watch Twitch, which I know sounds kind of weird, to like help themselves not become addicted to Twitch. It's bizarre. But I think that we can probably like we can teach people how to have healthier conversations and relationships. I've done that before in terms of like, you know, pornography and only fans and stuff like that. Like how can you communicate with your partner? Because that kind of communication education, like hasn't been available for most of the history of humanity. So it's possible that we can just build healthy relationships despite all this stuff by just learning more about ourselves.

So what you're saying is that we need a healthy gamer only fans? No. That's not what I'm saying at all. Oh, my God. All right, maybe one day. I'm happy on Twitch, chat. Can you? I'm still talking about it's totally.

Right? And so this is where like, is this the same person that was asking, is this why Magneto is never depressed? Look, just to be clear, the world is changing. We don't know how it's changing. Is it causing problems? Probably and or yes. And I don't think that that means that the world should stop changing, right? So like the whole goal of humanity is that,

new challenges arise and like as the human race like we have to figure out how to like unscrew ourselves from all the screwing over we've done so like you know the industrial revolution happened and we started like using fossil fuels a ton and now there's like concerns around climate change so we got like fix that right so they're like reforestation projects and like you know all kinds of things that that is the human race hopefully we'll you know start doing and so that's there's happening, there's a cognitive revolution as well. There's like a cognitive change. There's like, like, you know, we're doing a lot of things that cognitively offer short-term benefits. And there's almost like a cognitive climate change happening right now with the human race.

And I think the reason that we're seeing so much more mental illness and why mental illness is getting worse and suicide is getting a little bit worse, if not significantly worse. Depression is increasing. Anxiety is increasing. I think it's a sign of this cognitive. cognitive climate change. So is pornography have something to do with that? Sure. As only fans have something to do with that? Sure. Is YouTube have something to do that? Sure. Switch have something to do that? Sure. And are these things evil? Do we want to stop advancing as a human race and stop advancing technology just because it has some downsides? I personally don't think so. I think this is where like we can learn about ourselves and we can manage it. I love video games.

No? Yeah. So when when VR develops haptic feedback, that is going to eliminate the human race. I gave a talk about this at a video game developer conference a few years ago that my biggest concern about the pornography industry is when you can have haptic feedback with VR. And then, like, literally people may stop having children. And then, like, you incorporate things like AI and stuff. Like, and you have, like, a fully virtual.

girlfriend that will throw temper tantrums and frustrate you. And then, yeah, AI wifu with haptic feedback. Then it's like, Gigi dude. So, you know, there's this idea right now that, like, people who are into wifus are like less than human. You know, people will mock them a lot and will denigrate them a lot and things like that. But I think as technology improves, like just like gaming has become, we used to do that with the gamers. You remember that chat? You remember when gamers used to be the minority and before everyone was doing it and then as games got better everyone started doing it the wifu revolution is coming chat prepare yourselves and on that note let's meditate what am i what have i done today chat i've gotten so far a field

this is not what i was supposed to be talking about how did we get here how did we get here a chat. The Wifu Revolution is going. Okay. How do I meditate after this? Dude. Kamisutra meditation. Oh man, I love y'all. So good. It was Magneto. Then it was, who was it? Dr. K. K. Only fans. And then Kamasutra meditation? Well played. Well played. Okay. You guys want to do, you guys want to do a Kamsitra meditation? It's an easy one. We can do Mooladharakra Chakra meditation. Okay.

We'll do Qam Sutra. No problem. Okay. All right. We will actually, I know it sounds weird, but we will actually tie it together, which of all the things

that I am impressed with myself for, this takes the cake. That after the Wifu Revolution is coming, we can actually pick a meditation thanks to chat that is actually related to this somewhat. So, yeah, So this is a meditation.

Someone's asking a meditation that helps with no fat. This will do that. Okay. So what I'm going to teach you all is a Mooladharatakra Chakra meditation. So the Mooladharah chakra is the root chakra. And remember that in the like the Kundalini system, there's this idea that we have these seven major chakras,

which are like energy hubs. And that each chakra governs a particular like attribute, hormonal, psychological, spiritual, whatever. So, for example, I do third eye or Agnachakra meditations. I've been doing them for about 17 years. I have like a consistent practice that I do, and I believe it helps me become a good psychiatrist. So my intuition, so the Agnachakra governs intuition and understanding. So my intuition is pretty good and I lean on that pretty heavily when I'm talking to other human beings. Now, do I think that this is some kind of like mystical life hack or like spiritual hack universe kind of stuff. Maybe I don't really know. But I think that

what's plausible and we have good evidence of this is that different meditation techniques actually create different changes in the brain. So we know that different meditation techniques will have different EEG readings. So the electrical activity is actually specific to the kind of meditation technique that you do. We also have functional MRI studies which looks at blood flow to the brain. And we know from those studies that doing different kinds of techniques will actually send blood flow to different parts of our brain. So my understanding as a scientist is that essentially what people sort of figured out is that like if you meditate in a particular way, it probably stimulates a particular part of your brain in some way. So that's the best example. That's the best scientific hypothesis I can come up with. There actually is not any evidence to that. It's just a hypothesis. Okay. So that being said, we'll talk about, I'll give you guys just a couple of examples.

So we do third eye practices like charging the laser beam. And then if you guys have emotional digestion issues, you can do money, poor practices, navel chakra or agni oriented practices. Agni is our metabolic fire. So it takes things, it digest stuff. So for people who are who have trauma and are trying to like digest their trauma and move on, I'll teach them navel chakra or money poor chakra practices and they seem to work really well. I will not teach them mindfulness.

Mindfulness is a bad idea for people with trauma. And so now what I'm going to teach you guys is some mullah-dhara or root chakra practices. And the goal of these practices is that the root chakra governs our impulsive behavior and our animalistic instincts. It also governs like sexual and sexual behavior and lustful thoughts. So we do know, actually, so there's actually good evidence of what I'm about to share. This is not what I would recommend. There's a particular asan or posture that I like to call the nut buster asan, which is one where you press your heel into the space between your,

so you sit cross-legged, but you kind of press your heel into the space between your scrotum and your anus, the taint. And the interesting thing is that you meditate in that posture. And what that's supposed to do is like take care of your Mullahara chakra. So there's an interesting physiologic reason for. that is that the blood supply to your gonads if you're male is actually goes through the taint. So it's kind of like in the bottom. So when you press your heel there and you sit in that posture, what it actually probably does physiologically is restricts the blood flow to your testes and then reduces like it's almost like a temporary slight like castration kind of effect. Right. So these are practices

that you should absolutely not do. I'm just using it to illustrate that there is. some physiologic evidence that these kinds of practices do appear to affect like lustfulness, right? So that's not the one that we're going to do. Self-vicectomy? Absolutely not. Vesectomy is a completely different part of the body. Completely different. So there does seem to be some physiologic evidence to support the theories that the yogis did. So we're not going to do that when I don't recommend it. So instead of what we're going to do is a very simple, one, which is essentially it's going to be hard to describe, but if you're a man, you have a muscle that you can use to have your penis flop up and down. You all know what I'm talking about? Penis flopping muscle? Okay. Yep. So Kegels, pelvic floor exercises for women. So what we're going to do is just flex that muscle. So what we're going to do is breathe in and kind of flex it, contract, hold and then relax.

Okay, so we'll do rounds of that, Kegels. So what you'll also notice is that it's usually combined with the same muscle that contracts the anus. So you'll sort of notice a universal tightening there. And then the muscles also used to prevent or stop the flow of urine once it flows. Okay?

I know. Look, chat, so this is, I know that things are Mimish. You guys understand that like we're actually trying to teach you all something, right? Like, like, I don't know how else to say this. I'm not trying to be obscene. And if, you know, if we get banned for this, I'll learn my lesson. But like, like, so I'm a medical doctor. And one of the things that you learn as a medical doctor is like we have a human body, right? And like the penis, vagina, scrotum are all parts of our body. They're just parts of our body, just like our fingers and toes and eyes and nose. And so

there are practices that involve those parts of body, just like our stomach. And like, we don't have to be like, you know, kindergartners, but, uh, who, who, who, who, who, who, penis. I mean, I, I sort of, I mean, I personally find it funny, too, so I get where y'all are coming from. But, like, let's try to do the practice a little bit seriously, okay? So, oh, my God, what have I done? Chat. Oh, my God.

I just had a realization of what this stream has been like. Oh, my God. What have I done? Okay, whatever. Let's just focus. Let's focus on our penis pushups chat. Okay, so for women, there's contraction. You can also kind of think a little bit about what you would do when you are trying to stop the flow of urine through your urethra. And so you'll kind of have a contraction there. If you know how to do kegel exercises, it's basically like the movement better practice. So what I tend to find is that,

so if you guys know the muscle, we're going to contract. it so we're going to breathe in and we're going to contract at the same time. And what I want you all to kind of imagine is like when you contract, you'll feel it's like you're squeezing like the bottom of like, you know, like a bag of fluid and then like the fluid is going to go up, right? So what I want you guys to imagine is you're sending like the energy. You're even to feel that tension and energy down there and you're going to send it up. Okay.

So we're going to breathe in, contract and then exhale and relax. breathe in contract exhale and relax breathe in contract exhale and relax okay so we'll go ahead and do nine rounds with our eyes closed so go ahead and close your eyes take a deep breath in contract and exhale in

and relax so contract with the exhalation that's round two we're going to do seven more in for four, round five, and out. Round six, and out. Round seven, eight, and out. Last round. Now we're just going to relax.

Spend about 60 seconds. You can go into a different meditation practice if you want to. Or just observe your breath, chant a mantra, charge your laser beam. You can do another kind of breathing practice if you'd like. but take a moment to just notice the relaxation of your pelvic and genital area will meditate silently for about 60 to 90 more seconds. Now go ahead and come on back.

That sounds kind of weird, but in all seriousness, maybe more of the trucker practices are what we're going to need to protect ourselves from the wifu revolution. Don't get me wrong, chat. There's someone out there. I was about to use the word degenerate. was dreaming up how to make the wifu experience more real. But instead of degenerate, maybe we will say visionary one day.

Because there's something about hostess clubs, only fans, wifu, video games, virtual reality, haptic feedback. Some of that is going to come together. Got to be careful. Hulu rating chat.