HealthyGamerGG - No One Will Ever Love Me

Episode Date: July 1, 2022

Today Dr. K talks about loneliness, feeling unlovable, and fluctuations of the mind from what is real to what isn't! Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's the ratio of energy investment in putting yourself out there and struggling through anxiety? Like, how many days do I need to be anxious before I make a friend? I feel unlovable and it sucks. Just venting a little. Since right now I'm completely lonely with zero friends, as I have been for years and my only friend right now doesn't talk to me for a while. I feel unlovable. I'm tired of always texting people making sure they haven't forgotten about me because I'm anxious that they're losing interest slash are going. to leave. I'm tired of working on myself and my anxiety and getting zero friends out of it. I'm tired of

being so motivated and working so damn hard on myself and getting nothing out of it. In general, yes, I feel unlovable. And it's absolutely no surprise I'm not confident in myself considering what I've been through. It's no surprise to me that it's hard for me to make friends, that I always feel like nobody likes me or cares about me. And even years past and even though from a young age I was determined to change my situation. It feels like I've been stuck for so long, despite my self-awareness and despite seeking help in therapy, and it just sucks so much. I don't know.

I never felt like I, I don't know. I never felt like I was like other people or like me. My personality and ideas belonged in this world. I felt so different. I still do. I feel like I'm suppressing parts of myself because they don't help me make friends. friends. Being honest and communicating about my feelings doesn't help me. Being open doesn't help me. Loosening up doesn't help me. Even talking to people and being friendly doesn't do anything.

It's only making everything worse. If even being friendly doesn't help me make friends, then what does? I can be smiling and have fun with people in certain moments and they still would prefer someone else over me. I don't know what helps anymore. I'm still friendless. I'm trying to work on my anxiety right now and my social skills, hoping it'll make a difference in my life someday. I'm still hopeful and determined as I've always been, but I just needed to get this off my chest. It's interesting, 100% up vote rate. So this is tough. Let's be honest. So sometimes we're lonely. We don't have any friends. And we do what we're supposed to. We're good little boys and girls. we're told to work on your social skills.

Be friendly. Give it a chance. Put yourself out there. And we do those things. But it doesn't work. Then you start to feel tired. And then you start to feel a little bit resentful. Because like you're doing everything you're supposed to, right?

You're working on yourself. You're going to therapy. Everyone's like, go see a therapist. Like, okay, cool. I'll do that. It's like, put yourself out there and you do that. You text people back. I mean, you don't text people back.

You text people. hoping they'll text back. You remind them that you exist. Hey, by the way, remember me? We hung out those three times and it seemed like we had a really good time, but you're like, I haven't heard from you. And you kind of text them and they don't really text you or they text you back, but they don't text you first.

And so you start to become like margin. They're like outliving their lives and you're trying to form some kind of connection and they're just, they don't seem to care. And so what are you supposed to do? You're supposed to be friendly, right? like, oh, like relationships are two-way street. Like, let me text them. And you work on yourself because that's what everyone says, right?

You can't control other people. You can control yourself. So work on yourself. So like, okay, I'm doing that. And then as this goes on for a while, it gets really tough because, like, you don't have an infinite energy. You do what's supposed to do. And if you still don't have friends, like, what do you do after that? Well, you dig deeper.

Right? You're like, okay, like, that's not working. like, let me try again, right? Effort and hard work lead to success. Let me try again. Let me text this person for the seventh time. Let me put myself out there for the eighth time. Let me struggle with anxiety and sort of like try to be friendly with people, but they still

don't text me back for the ninth time, 10th time. And then you start to get really exhausted. And then what are you supposed to do? Because everything to fix this problem doesn't seem to be working and takes energy. it takes so much energy and so you're exhausted and then like do you dig deeper and try again

like do you give up like how do you know when you're supposed to give up and when you're supposed to keep trying and like keep getting more exhausted like how are you supposed to know like when is this going to work like how long do you have to do this does anyone ever tell you like yeah

you just need to work on your social skills for like 6.5 months it's not like a video game where you can see like each little pip of progress. Oh yeah, you got a star. Five stars makes a diamond. Five diamonds increases your rank up. Each rank up moves you towards your second class. If you move up three classes, you get a medal. Like, we know how to measure progress in video games. We don't know how to measure progress with this crap. Like, how do you even know if this is just like you should be doing it more?

or you're doing it wrong. Like, are you even investing your energy in the right way? So what you end up feeling is tired, first of all, uncertain, second of all. Because if someone told you, if someone told you, they're like, yeah, just do this for three more months and you'll be fine. You'll have a friend. What's the ratio of energy investment in putting yourself out there and struggling through anxiety? Like, how many, like, how many days do I need to be anxious before I make a friend? there's no like certain there's not like you don't even know what to expect

and so what do you do about this like what you know if you're someone who tries really hard to make friends does what people tell you to do and it's not working and then you feel frustrated so it's okay to vent right but then like venting only gets you so far like it doesn't actually fix the problem right so what do you do about it so I'm going to close off today with sort of a different perspective. So we could talk about, for example, how a lack of confidence, you know, impacts your social relationships. We could talk about, you know, how, for example, if you feel like a relationship isn't,

if you are contributing more than your fair share to a relationship and you're kind of like keeping it on life support, essentially, like how those perceptions actually can negatively impact the relationship. We can talk about all that stuff. We even looked at research earlier today about. how the thing that correlates with the most relationship satisfaction is your personal view of the relationship. And so if you feel like your relationship, your friendship is on life support, that's going to

negatively impact the relationship. So we could talk about all that scientific stuff. But what I'd like to do is actually share with y'all how to rip it out root and stem. If you want to just like completely rip this problem out by root and stem, like just solve it. Not saying it's easy, but this is honestly how it works. So it comes down to like what the hell is happening in your mind. Like this is, it's such a simple concept and revolutionary concept, but it's so hard to grasp because like it is not how our society functions. So the first thing to understand is friendless is a state almost of reality, right?

Like it's like it's like you don't have people in your life. unlovable is not reality. Unlovable is created by the mind. So what happens is we look at the world, which is a particular way, and we make certain inferences with our mind. But all of the thoughts that you have, the feeling of being tired, anxiety,

feeling unlovable, your frustration, these things are not real. Are they justified? Sure. but they're not real things. They're just fluctuations of the mind. So Patanjali, who's sort of the seminal teacher of yoga,

says that yoga is the cessation of the fluctuations of mind. The mind has fluctuations. Feeling unlovable is not a thing. It's not a reality. It's a feeling. Right? So it may feel real to you, and that's the really tricky thing, is that we assume that reality,

is what our mind perceives it to be. But almost by definition, what our mind perceives is not reality. That's just a perception. Like, if I think that I have $2 million, does it mean that I have $2 million? Obviously not. So the funny thing is that our sense,

we use our mind to make interpretations about reality. And the reason we do that is like, it's evolutionary. Because we need some instruments, to make sense of and direct us in the outside world. The problem is at some point we forget that it's just in our mind. Like, we start to believe that reality is what we think it is. Right?

So like if, for example, I feel stood up by someone who was going to be on a date. So like, I go to the restaurant, today's Friday, I show up at 7 o'clock and they don't show up. And I get pissed off because I feel stood up. I'm stood up. This person stood me up. right? So I get angry with them. I'm like, man, everyone's mean crap like that. But like, what I didn't realize is that I got the date wrong. Maybe it was supposed to be next Friday. Right. But like I don't, that's not something that I acknowledge. And if someone points it out to me, maybe I'll even argue against it because that happens. The point is that like my perception of things and what my mind produces is something that we accept 100%. So the cessation of fluctuations of the mind is what leads to peace of the mind. What is a fluctuation it means?

It means feeling unlovable. All emotions are fluctuations of the mind. Even thoughts are fluctuations of the mind. Because you have a thought one moment, you don't have a thought the next moment. So if you want to be free from all of this stuff, even the tiredness, it's not like a physical thing. It feels physical. You're spiritually exhausted in looking for friends. You try so hard and it doesn't work.

So you're like, you're tired of trying. But every day when you wake up, you have energy, right? So you're like, your glycogen stores are full. Your oxygen saturation is 99%. Your heart rate is like 78 beats per minute. The physical capability of your body is roughly the same. Sure, there are some hormonal influences. There's some psycho-neuroimmunology axis and stuff like that.

So there are some fluctuations. maybe there's a little bit of vitamin D deficiency and like whatnot. There's some like, you know, physiologic caveats to this sort of thing. We're not saying it's all in your head. But generally speaking from day to day, what your body is capable of and the amount of energy you can produce is like pretty similar, unless you've got a thyroid deficiency or whatever. But that's not the way that we see it. And this is something that someone actually linked, I think Alan, someone made a post on

our subreddit that was linking to an Alan Watts video, which I think he does a very good job of sort of describing this, so we'll sort of share that at the end, about how reality in our mind are like two fundamentally different things, and it's such a big source of our suffering, is because we conflate these two things. So what is this person's problem? They feel unloved. Why do they feel unloved because of the way that people treat them? Make sense, right? You're treated in a way that feels like it's disrespectful, so you result in feeling unloved. But the thing is, that's just your interpretation of it. Right? Like, that's just your interpretation. It's a feeling. It's not actually a reality. So if you think about what is real, what is real is the now. The mind, by definition,

is not real. Mind is what does imagination. Mind thinks through hypotheticals. Mine looks into the future. If you think about anxiety, oh, I'm texting this person. I'm anxious about what they're going to say. that by nature, you can't be anxious about something that happened. You can only be anxious about things that haven't happened. It's the nature of anxiety. Anxiety is like, by definition, that which is not real. And we get so caught up in it that we're like, we stop living in reality and we start living in our own heads. Another good example of this is like COVID injections are how Bill Gates is going to inject 5G.

It's going to turn me into a 5G provider. like what on earth? Where are people getting this? Right? Like people can believe all kinds of things. But it's just a belief. The nature of a belief is that it isn't true. The mind produces beliefs, not truths.

Now, MicroJMack is saying nothing is actually real. Disagree. There is absolutely something that is real. My point is that the mind is not real. If I think I can fly, does that mean I can fly? No. Of course not. If I think I am unlovable, does it mean I am unlovable?

Hold on a second because actually the answer is, no, of course not. But we operate as if it is. So if you want to rip this problem out, root and stem. You want to get rid of your anxiety. You want to get rid of your feeling of being unloved. You want to get rid of all this stuff. You have to divorce yourself from your mind. You have to recognize that there is a gap between reality in your mind.

And how do you do that with experience? I don't mean like experiences in you. have to practice. I mean, you do have to practice. What I mean is what is real is experience. All right. So I can actually fly. If I get on an airplane, I can be flying. If I get on a hang glider or whatever, I can fly. I can be in the ocean. I can be sitting here. I can breathe. I can eat something. I can sit with another human being. I can notice my pulse. What exists is what I experience. Not what I think. And this is the other really confusing thing is we have started to use thought as a substitute for experience.

We think that these two things are the same thing. But no, they're not. They're like they couldn't be further from the truth. Experience is that which is. Thinking is like just thinking. It's not what is. That's why it's a thought because it's not a reality. Does that like make sense on a very fundamental level?

Like these things could not be further from the truth or further from each other. So this core concept is what potentially and Alan Watts, these people have been saying this for like thousands of years, is that we get our mind confused with reality. Oh, I think my partner is cheating on me. Does it mean that they're cheating on me? No. We even have in psychiatry delusional disorders. I once had a patient who believed that Andre the Giant was stalking them. Dude has been dead for a while. your mind can produce all kinds of things doesn't mean it's true so how do we ground ourselves in reality how do we understand what is actually true how do we be free of being unlovable of feeling unlovable as it's subtle because you're not it's not being unlovable it's feeling unlovable and if you think about the nature of emotions they fluctuate right i've said this a couple times recently i'll say it again everyone

wants the perfect wedding. How long does the happiness from the perfect wedding last? Does it last for the rest of your life? No. In fact, quite the opposite. What I tend to see is that people who are more bent like hell-bent on creating the perfect wedding are the ones who are the least happy in their marriage. But we tie so much importance to it. I need my perfect day. This is going to be the one perfect day for the rest of my life. And it needs to be perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect. And in chasing, after the perfect wedding, what you actually do is damage your relationships. You actually set yourself up for everything from divorce to like no longer being friends with people, disinviting people.

All kinds of crap comes from that. And it's all produced here. What is a perfect wedding? What does that even mean? Perfect is a conception of the mind. And you're chasing over something that is not achievable. It is not reality. And no wonder it leads to it.

to problems. When our mind chases after things that are not grounded in reality, suffering is the result. This is why Patanjali said Yoga chita Vruta Nirodaha.

Stop the fluctuations of mind and you will be at peace. So how do you stop the fluctuations of mind? You ground yourself in experience. So this is going to be our meditation for today. This is a meditation for if you feel unlovable, how to rip this out root in stem.

So sit up straight. You can close your eyes. I'm going to keep mine open. The next time you feel unlovable, close your eyes and notice the thoughts and the feelings and all of the fruits and flowers and leaves of being unlovable. You'll have this thought, you'll have that thought. No one likes me.

This person didn't text me back. You can have all this crap floating around. And then what I want you to do is see which of that is real. What is the actual experience of feeling unlovable? Is it being unlovable? And look within yourself. So the first thing is that if it's a thought, it's not a real thing. We've already established that.

It doesn't mean that thoughts don't have importance or don't have impact or don't have value. There's a reason we have thoughts. But they aren't real. Right? The letter A is not a real thing. It's a symbol that has heuristic value. There's no reason that we drive on the right side of the road as opposed to the left side of the road or vice versa, depending on what country you're in. There's value to conventions because human beings can interact with each other.

So something doesn't have to be grounded in reality necessarily to be useful. There's nothing special about the right side of the road. It's just the only reason that helps is if everyone does it, right? Because then people going in opposite directions don't bump into each other. So if it's a thought, it's not reality. So find out what look within yourself. Close your eyes and tunnel down as deep as you can into what is this feeling of unloavability. There may be thoughts.

They're just thoughts. They can come and go. I can think about pink unicorns. I can think about Harry Potter book number nine if I want to. I can imagine all kinds of stuff. It's not real. Chances are it'll be a feeling, like a physical sensation. So even then what is a feeling?

feeling. Is it an emotion? What is an emotion? It's going to be something, there's going to be some kind of physical correlate. Chances are. You'll feel a tightness in your throat. You'll feel a tightness in your chest. You'll feel maybe a queasiness in your stomach. Is that being unlovable? Of course not. Just notice that. All that is actually real is I have a tightness in my throat. That's all that's real. I'm sitting here. I'm breathing. I'm in this room. There's a slight sound outside. This is what's real.

This is what is. You can touch it. You can feel it. It is real. It's not an imagination. This is what is. What is is I have a tightness in my throat. Is a tightness in my throat unloavability?

Of course not. And if you do this practice, if you go to the source of your unloavability, what you'll find is it's a mirage. It's just like an oasis in the desert. The closer that you get to it, the closer that you get to it, the more that it disappears, the more that it disappears, the more that it disappears. It's fruits and flowers and leaves that barely have a trunk and have no roots.

It's like the value of cryptocurrency. Looks amazing. Nothing there under the surface. Triggered? Yeah, so Oatsumi is saying, or any currency, really? Exactly. Well said. So it's like fiat currency. There's no. value? What is the value in a dollar? It's because we all think it has value, right? It's kind of like what Tyrion Lannister says about power. The king only has power because everyone thinks he's got power, right? And so many of our societal constructions are based off of things that are not real.

They're constructions. And as you sit and you notice, and this is where like if you're feeling unlovable, I encourage you to sit and find the origin of it. And then what I'd say is go out and touch grass. Someone mowing lawn right now. It's perfect. Go out and smell grass. This is what's real. This is what is what is.

The other thing that I'll give you all is as you start to notice what is, you'll start to realize that the feeling of a tightness in your throat or your thought, this is in your body and this is in your mind. But what is the thing that sees both of those things? So as you notice the tightness in your throat, there will be a separation. The tightness of the throat becomes the object of observation. And you are observing it.

When I get caught up in my own thoughts, I don't realize that they're just thoughts. They feel like reality. as I separate from them and as I observe my thoughts, what is the thing doing the observing? This is the thing that some people call the observing self. This is what some people call the soul. And then ask yourself this question,

does the part of me that notices the pain, does the part of me that notices the pain feel the pain? Is it aware that there is pain within me? Or does it itself hurt? This is something you have to practice day after day after day after day. Every time you feel unlovable, start with the first part of this and go as far as you can. And if you're lucky, you will discover what Bethanjali discovered. You will discover what Alan Watts discovered.

You will discover what even I discovered. And you will even discover what people in this community discovered. You will discover what all of the people who are religious meditators discovered, which is holy crap, none of it's real. Why on earth am I freaking out about this stuff? And once you do that, you'll be able to bro nod. Right? So like even now, every time I bro nod, I feel a little bit weird.

But it's like, lull, so what? I can even take that feel of anxiety and I can just like appreciate it. It's like, there it is again. And it's kind of weird, but it's even like things in life that you used to not enjoy, you can even start to enjoy. You can even appreciate, wow, I'm like so nervous. I haven't been nervous in a long time. Hello, my old friend.

I hope I'm able to handle it. Otherwise, I'll start to stutter. And if it's a wreck, like if I screw up this speech, well, G.G. Get wrecked, noob. That can even be funny. It's bizarre. And so this is what Butanjali discovered. This is what Alan Watts discovered.

this is what I discovered at some point, what some of you all discovered. And even every single one of you who's enjoyed watching a sad movie or listening to a sad song or reading a sad book is that even the negative emotions that we try to retreat from so much in life can be enjoyable.