HealthyGamerGG - Not Letting Go of the Past is Ruining My Future

Episode Date: October 2, 2022

Dr. K talks about letting the past effect your future, self-assessment, grief, and more! Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

So sometimes people just have a bad life. And then what happens is they get labeled with this like particular psychiatric thing. And then like no one ever removes a diagnosis from your chart. They just get added on and added on and added on. Hey, how's it going? Good, buddy. How are you? Doing well. Nice to meet you, my friend.

Nice to meet you as well. What do you go by? Dom or Dominic, whatever is easier for you. Okay, Dom it is. Perfect. And then just as an FYI, in preparation for this call, I kind of wrote a lot of notes and bullet points I was trying to hit to stay mostly on topic. So just feel free to cut me off whenever if you want to. Sure. So let's just start with who do you want to be and what's holding you back. And you can read your bullet points if you want to, Dom.

Sure. Do you care if I start with a little background context? Not at all. Perfect. All right. So I come from a very small family. It was just myself, sister. my mom and dad. Never met anyone on my mom's side of the family. She moved out when she was 16 and they never breached back out to contact her. So we don't know anyone from her side. And then on my dad's side, smaller family as well.

Thinking back to just like childhood around kindergarten is when like I knew that there were issues between like my mom and my dad. It was majority on my dad's side. Since then or I guess now, he's been clinically diagnosed with eight different mental illnesses. Holy crap. A lot of those were, yeah, we're pretty intense back then. Just a quick rundown of them. It was bipolar, depression, IED, schizophrenia, multiple personality disorder, hypomania, and hypermania. So there was a lot of things to unpack growing up and obviously not knowing too much about it with like mental health stigma.

So all of those issues that were coming from like my dad's side. resulted in my mom not feeling safe for either her or myself and my sister to be living at wherever my dad was. He would go missing. There was just a lot of issues. So we moved around a ton, which resulted in my dad's side of the family. We would stay with them until like a week or two of being there. They're like, all right, you know what?

You got to figure this out. We've never seen this side of him. Like, I think you're overreacting. And there's just a lot of go figure it out on your own. So then we would have to continually move and find new places or some nights just out of a car. And then eventually one bedroom apartment between the three of us, which is perfectly fine. But there's just a lot of us on top of each other, not really any space or separation. And financial struggles were huge with my family.

So at one point two, my mom was working three jobs at one point, seven days a week. So it was basically just my sister and I became. came independent around like for me at just around like seven or eight years old. And that's where I very young. Yeah. So we were basically living on our own sister. She's two years older. She did very well and helped out.

She kind of took on like, here, we'll do the cooking. Like you do it. It was just we kind of ran the house while my mom did everything she could to provide. So we're going to skip ahead a little bit. But senior year of college for me, I was. clinically diagnosed with ADHD. So there was a lot of questions that came about that because I always did okay in school, but would struggle with, you know, sitting down studying, completing homework,

actually learning the information during the class rather than the night before a test, which then, you know, I got into some trouble or, hey, you didn't do well on this test, or, you know, just different academic struggles. But for bringing that back. home and my mom's doing everything she can. It was like, how am I going to bring more stress when that's like the only focus? I'm sorry. I didn't follow you there. So, or let's go with, you just, you said something about how am I going to bring more stress? What is the stress that you're bringing and where are you bringing it to? Right. So struggling financially, it was,

if I want to go to college, I have to get a full right scholarship. That is the main goal. If you don't get that, then you're not going to college. Good luck. So anytime that I would struggle academically, it would be bringing the point of like, oh, hey, mom, I know you just got back and you're doing everything you can. Things aren't good. You're very stressed. You're trying to make everything great. I'm not doing well in school, which then is, well, you need to, otherwise you're not going to college. That's how your mom would respond. That is correct. Yes. Okay. It was just obviously she had a lot going on and dealing with, I should just be able to do what I need to because I'm smart.

So that was a big struggle throughout high school and then college it became a bigger issue with ADHD. Just like, you know, I can't brute force my way through and get away with it basically. But anyway, it, sorry, I'm trying to rego through my points. So throughout high school, it was just a lot of tension between families. family, never wanted to, or at home it was always negative. So anytime I was not at home, it was never talk about family, never any of that situation and always just sacrifice my own well-being to make sure whoever I'm with is happy because I want to be surrounded by happy people.

So it was never, I never really, I guess developed my own personality. It was just adapt to whoever I'm with to make sure that they're happy, because if they're happy, I feel happy because it's not negative. I don't know if that made sense. Yeah, I think it makes a lot of sense. Okay, cool. Sorry, plus my point in my bullet points. I had a full, full circle thing. Dom, is it, is it, let's pause for a second.

Let me ask you something. How would you feel? If you weren't able to make it full circle for me. Oh, I feel like I had a prime opportunity and I kind of wasted it. So who are we making it full circle for? Myself. Really? Yes.

Okay. There's a whole ton of one on back. Okay. Anyway, my main point to the topic is just I want to be able to separate my past from what is current, like the present. I want to take where I am and have future goal. I want to make progress towards that. But it's insanely tough when everything from the past

and always feeling like I'm just dealing with an ultimatum of, you have to get this or you're screwed, they're very relevant. So how can I separate the two, the past and the present, to then look to the future is my main point. Okay. And then it's just a common theme of everything always feeling like an ultimatum that I don't have a choice. I was going to ask you a question about that.

Give me just one second. I'm having a slight problem with my headphones. Definitely. Okay. So can you tell me, can you say something? Hello. Say something again? It's me.

One more time. Hello. Nope. Okay. Give me a second. I got to fix my headphones. This is terrible. No worries.

Okay. Oh, there we go. Keep talking. Count to 10 for me. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, eight, perfect. Nine. Ten. All right. So can you give me an example of an ultimatum now, Don? Right now, it's, it feels like survivability. It's struggling with bills going basically paycheck to paycheck. And if I decide to try to change or, you know, the possibility of let's branch out and change something, because maybe it would be better. If it goes wrong, then I am screwed financially with no support system or backup plan or help from like family.

So it's it's me and only me. And if I do anything wrong, then I don't know. So what I'm kind of hearing is that you've got no room to experiment. Like you can't afford to take a chance. And it's like survival every day. Correct. Can I think for a second? Definitely.

Because that's a lot, man. Yeah. There's a lot of living in stress, fear and anxiety just all around. And what I'm hearing is that you really want to escape the legacy of your past. Yes. It's very hard for me. Setting goals never made sense to me because it was always, here's the one outcome, I guess is technically a goal. But it's either this or like good luck, basically.

Like what else would I do? I don't want to get stuck, part-time job. I don't, you know, obviously I want to go to college. I had aspirations for those. And just to clarify, did you, I think you said you got diagnosed with ADHD. Was that as a senior in college? Correct. So did you complete college?

I did. And are you, it sounds like you're not in a good financial situation right now? That is correct. And did you get a degree that you can utilize in a way to help you with financial security or what's going on there? Yes. And no. The major that I wanted to go into did not go well with classes. So it basically failed those. But again, I'm on a four-year full tuition scholarship. So I can't mess that up because I can't do the extra semester extra year because financially it would not be good. So I ended up having to switch majors twice. It's something else that was kind of, you know what? I can't. to finish this in the four years and just get done with it. So it's not where I want to be. It's not as lucrative of a degree, I suppose. But I do have plans, I guess, kind of set up in my

current job and with my manager to hopefully move to more what I want. Okay. But at the moment, yes, struggling. Here's the question. Do you have a degree that allows you in the relative short term to no longer live paycheck to paycheck. Maybe in the near future, a couple of years, hopefully. Okay. To just pick up and move to a different one, no, but for like longevity or staying in a company for growth, yes. Do you, do you mind if I ask you details about that? Sure. So can you tell me like what your degree is, what your current job is, and what the job that you, you are positioned to become financially independent with is? So I, graduate with human computer interaction, which at the time was very new.

So there wasn't really any jobs, at least when I was looking that were looking for that. Granted, now there are, and it's mostly around U.X and U.I. research. Why do people interact or do things that they do on either their phone or on computers? So that's what I'm trying to go to now. What I started with that I've been at the same company was tech support, and then that has, I've then moved, got promoted to become a content writer on the product team. So it's just more documentation. Okay.

So end goal is UX research. Okay. And what's your path to get there? Currently in the talk with my manager is we need a UX research for our company. I have the major for it. I just don't have any of the experience tools. or anything. So it's a company putting all their chips in on me or just hiring someone else and then I might learn from them. Why are you thinking about only this company? Because I feel that my

skills aren't enough to warrant going to get hired somewhere else. So if I can stay in the same company and get any kind of experience, it makes me look that much more valuable to then branch elsewhere. I would feel more comfortable in my chances. And so let me just think about how to ask this. Can I think for another second? Definitely. How good of an assessor are you at how good of a fit you are for the job that you want? Probably not great.

I might be a little bias against myself. Yeah. That's fair. So I'll share something. How do you feel like when I asked you that question and you shared that answer, like do you have an emotional reaction that comes with it? No, it's just always, I don't know if it's an emotion. Granted, like it always feels the same. But it's always an immediate thought of just self-worth, probably not good enough.

Yeah. So here's, so what do you think about yourself, Dom? that's a lot with the ADHD, I guess. Like from getting clinically diagnosed and starting prescription and talking, it was like, wow, things could have been so much easier. I probably could have been so much more successful. College would have been probably a lot better. Definitely would have been starting in the major that I wanted.

Would have been a lot less stress. So a lot of it is not regret, just disappointment, I guess, for myself. How could I have gotten? a full right scholarship and this is where I am. How could I have dealt with everything growing up? Like, you know, childhood, but I can't figure things out now. It's just a lot of, it feels like wasted time, very far back, but now starting to realize it. You angry? No, just I guess more helpless. Just like stuck in an abyss, I guess. Help me understand what you're helpless about. just knowing

not knowing how to I guess just better myself okay just in general I used to be on top of a lot of things like working out used to feel smarter now it's just this

plowed mess of stress I don't eat there's just a lot of whose fault is that do you ever think about that It's never whose fault. It's always just, I wish I knew.

Or I wish it wasn't that. Okay. We need to think for another second. I really appreciate all your bullet points in the thoroughness of your story. Thank you. Hopefully I'm not doing too much. How did you feel when I made that comment? The thank you?

I appreciate it. And what did you say? In response? Mm-hmm. I don't remember. There's no way. Okay. Okay, Don.

So here's what I don't know exactly where this is going to go or what we're going to do, but I'm hopeful for you. And we're going to try to understand things a little bit, okay? Sure. So the first is, when I was working in the emergency room, sometimes we would have patients come in that had multiple diagnoses. like they would have like six, seven diagnoses on the chart. And there was a really awesome nurse practitioner who I was working with. And I would ask her, you know, what is this, you know, what's the diagnosis? And she would say, shit life syndrome.

So sometimes people just have a bad life. And then what happens is they get labeled with this like particular psychiatric thing. And then like no one ever removes a diagnosis from your chart. They just get added on and added. it on and add it on. And what I'm hearing, Dom, is that you have had an exceedingly difficult life. Like, when we're talking about what's the worst hand that you can get dealt, like, it, Dom's hand.

Like, if we look up in the textbook, what does the worst hand look like? We're going to see a picture of your face. And here's what I, hopefully that's not, I don't mean to be judgmental. It's just when I'm thinking about, like, advantages and disadvantages when we spawn in the world, you've got a history. of severe and what sounds like under-treated mental illness in your direct family, social isolation, stress, financial instability. You also were not allowed to be a child.

Right. So, like, this is where there's all kinds of stuff that I was thinking early on in your story, which I don't think we're going to get to. So, for example, like, how do we learn what we want? We learn who we are and what we want through creative play, basically. Right? We have to explore and see like, oh, I like this thing. I'm a dog person.

I'm not a cat person. You can never know that about yourself unless you are exposed to dogs and cats. And what I'm hearing is that from this age of seven or eight that you and your sister were essentially independent that you had like you weren't given a childhood. You weren't given an opportunity to play or explore or whatever. That in and of itself is devastating enough. Followed by, then you've got this other angle of untreated ADHD. which you should absolutely check out our guide. I don't know if you get access to that

by being a guest on stream or whatever, but if you can't afford it or something, just let us know and we'll figure that out. Already pre-ordered. Okay, well. Looking forward to it. Okay. So there's just a lot of stuff about untreated ADHD,

which I'll sort of summarize for you there briefly, but there's a lot of detail. But essentially what happens is like, so if you're a kid who's, and I think you're smart, So you manage to compensate. But the thing is, a kid with ADHD who's smart, it's almost more devastating. Because like you're eight years old and you're looking around at the other kids and you're noticing that you're just as smart as them. But it's easy for them and it's hard for you.

And it shouldn't be hard for you. You know that you're just as smart as them. and like they can sit down for an hour and learn something, but it takes you four hours to learn something. And so what happens in ADHD that's untreated is that you think that there's like a problem with you. There's something busted. And as that persists, a seven-year-old, eight-year-old, nine-year-old, 10, 11, 12, 13, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, then you get a diagnosis. And then there's a whole other thing that happens, which is now you begin to grieve the life that you could have had,

which you have every right to do if you had a dad who took care of himself from a mental illness standpoint, if you had more supportive family, if you had more financial security, if you had a rich grandpa. There are all kinds of things about your life that could have been easier for you. And that sucks. So there's like all that alternative. universe stuff that you have to grieve. And then even if they just diagnosed you with ADHD at the age of 12, if they just

fixed one thing, forget about all the other stuff. You're not asking for a whole lot. If they just fixed one damn thing, your whole life could have been different. You could have majored in the major you wanted. You could have got to, because it sounds like you got a school, a full ride to college with undiagnosed and untreated ADHD. And so the amount of effort that you had to put in, the amount of unfair obstacles you had to overcome to just get, like, you see what I'm saying? You have had to invest 10 times as much effort to get like a 1x yield.

And when someone does that over and over, when I have to work 10 times as hard as my colleagues, if I'm lucky, I get angry. If I'm unlucky, I think it's me. you blame yourself or you blame other people. There's a good, a theory from Freud that depression is anger directed against the self. So the lack of self-worth is like all of the rage. So I asked you, are you angry? And you're like, not really. And it's like, shit.

It's, yeah, no, it's just more acceptance that it sucked and not knowing what to do. Yeah. Yeah. So, so I hear that. And I think there's some amount of healthy acceptance there. But this is the kind of thing where I've worked with people like you in a more psychotherapy relationship over time, which is definitely something I would recommend for you, by the way.

And one of the steps that we try to take is like you need to start getting angry at other people. Because as you become angry, as you assign responsibility for your negative situation to others, you may say, what's the point in that? The point in that is that, honestly, it's not your fault. And the truth of the matter is that your parents probably, in a sense, I'm sure you'll say this kind of thing, they did the best that they could. Did they do a good job, Don? No. Right?

And how do you feel about that? I look at the goods of it. Right? So there's like, there's no anger and there needs to be because that shit is going somewhere. And what tends to happen is it gets directed towards the self. And then we have self-worth issues. Now we get to your question, which is how do I let the legacy of the past stop determining my present and my future? And the first thing is that you understand that it is going to for some amount of time, but you see how the past is manifesting in the present.

Because what the past is doing is it's manifesting in the present and then it's directing your future. And the simplest way is that you're not applying for a fucking job as a UX researcher anywhere outside of your company. And I don't mean that. Do you feel blamed when I say that? No, just fear. Right? So like that's the fear. What are you afraid of?

It doesn't work or my current job. I don't know. I mean, I guess they're not going to fire me for looking for a new job. They don't need to know, first of all. Right. It's just what if it goes wrong? And then there's no backup plan. Right.

I guess the biggest thing is, finally the most comfort I've had is knowing I'll at least get a paycheck every two weeks to cover myself rather than having to do extra side jobs to make things work. So just comfort finally for the first time. Okay. So that's good. So let me ask you like that fear that you feel, that's the legacy of the past. Do you see that?

So if you no longer want it to shape your future. you can't listen to it. So this is where like, like, so it's kind of interesting because when I, the end of what you shared with me really felt more like a, like I'm putting on my career coaching hat for a second, which is that, and this is the thing about career coaching is that it's not just about what to do. It's recognizing that we have past experiences, which become a part of us, and then we'll inform our thoughts and our decisions.

and telling you to just apply for as a UX researcher is not going to work. We have to appreciate the emotional challenges that that's going to take. So this is where like if you've been comfortable, if this is the first time you've been comfortable for a while, I'd say be comfortable for a little while. Don't add some amount of stress. But my guess is that even being comfortable, you're going to be paranoid.

At one point, I was feeling financially stable. until my car broke down head up on new one. But when talking with my actual therapist... Oh, good, you're in therapy. I almost had more anxiety and worry that I didn't have anxiety or worry. Yeah, so there's just all kinds of crap that you've unfortunately, like, adapted to. And so your journey, Dom, is going to be long. But what I am hopeful for is that each step you take will be brighter.

So even though you've got a long way to go, like you're in the pit and the air is foul down here and there's no sunlight and it's damp. But every step you take, the air is going to get fresher. There's going to be sun on your face. There's going to be wind. You're going to start to dry off. You'll start to feel better. There's going to be fruit bushes and streams and rain. Like every step you take is going to be better than the last.

That I'm hopeful for you that that's the case. And what I see, like, I know that you have issues with self-worth. Let's just sum it up that way. But what I see is someone who's incredibly resilient, incredibly strong, incredibly brave, incredibly has a ton of endurance. And what I also see, what I feel when I see you is actually sadness. Because I think it's really unfair that you had to be all of those things. I don't think you're frivolous, and that makes me sad. frivolous is the one thing that you are not.

And like, that's terrible. That you've never had the opportunity to be wasteful. Right? But I think, like, going forward, what this kind of means is that, like, so recognize that your self-worth is going to be built up or lack of self-worth or negative self-attitude is going to be built up from all these experiences. And I think growing up with ADHD, there's going to be attached. related crap going on to, so all that kind of stuff. You know, you may have difficulty forming relationships and things like that because

no one ever showed you what a healthy romantic relationship looks like. So you may not know how to behave in one. There's all kinds of stuff. But I would say if your goal is like present, how do you shape your present and future? I would start with something really, really concrete, which is don't put all of your eggs in one basket at your current job. and recognize that like, and this is where like, I don't know how to say this, but, you know, when I talk to people like you, there is an assumption that like, oh, like we have to heal

all of the psychological hurt on the inside and go to therapy until you are like cured. But I don't want to say this. Just as a therapist, financial security is so much of mental health. And you can therapist. people who are broke for a decade, I don't know that you're ever going to get them to feel like the stress response, like the cortisol flowing through your body, the way your neurons are wiring, the physiology of your stressful situation that comes from financial insecurity cannot be therapist away. Or maybe it can. Maybe I'm just not good enough. This is where like,

I'm kind of like a simple dude. So I think like, so there's evidence, for example, so there was a program in New York called Housing First, where they were, what they used to do is they'd take people who had addiction problems. And what they would do is like, if you want to get housing, you need to be clean for a certain amount of time. And what they found is that you can give those people all the therapy or clinical treatment in the world to try to get them sober, to get them into housing. But if you flip it around, the outcomes are way better. You just give them a place to live. Then getting sober becomes easier. So there's like decent evidence, and I'm kind of of this mind, that like, you have to get some amount of financial security and a roof over your head in order to get mentally well.

And this is where like when we say mental health is more than mental illness, this is exactly what I'm talking about. So in your case, I would really start by tunneling down. If there's one thing that you need to change, it's to improve your financial security, which I think you understand and you've worked really hard towards. And that's like if UX research is what you do, don't negotiate against yourself and like reject yourself before someone else gives you a chance. And that's where it's going to be hard, but I would apply for five jobs, 10 jobs, 15 jobs while you're doing this stuff at your job. Then there's also all kinds of other things which you like you may have never been taught, which is that if you have an offer in hand, does it improve your chances of or, make it, does it better or worsen your chances at your current employer to get the job that you want? It would better.

No, that alone, I think, is huge. That was one of the biggest choosing to stay current job to hopefully get to that. That just seemed like the safe route where I can then look at other things rather than job. But to hear that, and obviously with financials, huge, honestly, just huge relief. hearing that that should be a possibility to actually look into. Absolutely. And here's the thing. Staying at your current job is actually not the safe route.

So like this is the other thing. It's a bit judgmental. It's a bit assumptive. But you're so paranoid about taking a chance that you play it safe. And in playing it safe, all you're left with is one lifeline. Yeah. You see that? So this is what we tend to see for people who are struggling in careers.

is there's a psychological aspect, which they lean into, which they learn for a damn good reason. And like, I'm not blaming you for believing that because I think you're a smart guy. You believe that because, like, you know,

like what, like, I mean, in the household you grow up, Dom, once you grab a lifeline, what do you never do under any circumstances once you've got a lifeline?

Gamble it. Absolutely. You hold on to it. And even if the boat is going towards the edge of a waterfall and it's going to pull you right over and rocks, you do not let go under any circumstances. You don't let go the lifeline to climb on shore. Right? And so, like, these are, if you want to let go of the past, like, you've got to see all of this stuff and how it informs your current decision making. I'm not blaming you for any of these thoughts.

I don't think you're weak. If you need some amount of comfort, if you're not ready to let go of the lifeline yet, even though it's. the right move, that's fine too. But what I'm hearing is like someone who has overcome trials, tribulations, someone who will take any opportunity. Like, if they're given a single opportunity that they're not fucking handicapped through the through it all, they're going to excel. And honestly, the same thing, like, there's a part of like, I see a part of myself in you, or I'm relating, I guess you could say. Because like, you know, I failed a bunch and then like Someone gave me one chance when I entered medical school.

And what I told them is like, if y'all, I've worked my ass off to get to where I am. If you give me a single chance, I will not disappoint you. And my life was very different because I had the opposite of your upbringing in terms of all of the advantages, all the privileges, and I fucking squandered it away, jumped into the pit and then had to climb out. And what I see is someone who's like hardworking, dedicated, loyal. you haven't talked about that, but I imagine you may be loyal to a fault, you know? And so the thing is, like, give people the opportunity

to employ you. It's a benefit to them. And you may not feel that worth yet, but, like, bro, like, I don't know how to say it. Like, just the fact that you're alive today that you are making it from paycheck to paycheck. Instead of being saddled with eight diagnoses, yourself homeless and drugs and all that kind of shit.

Like that is an amazing achievement. And I think all you need is like you just need an even game and you will blow it out of the water. And the thing is the court is there. You just have to step onto it. But recognize that as you try to step onto it, you're going to have to like let go even then you're not really letting go, right? Even if you have a good relationship with your manager, you can ask them, hey, I'm thinking

about looking for UX researcher jobs. Do you have a sense of like what the timeline is here? I really love working here. Right? So like I don't know if anyone has taught you language. Have you ever been like taught this stuff? Oh. So like I'll share this with you because I want to try to make it concrete.

I'm not 100% sure that this is the right thing to say, but just to give you an example. So you go to your boss and you say, hey, I really love working here. I really love the work that I do. I really appreciate that this company needs this role and I think I'm your guy and I really appreciate that you're advocating for me. Do you have a sense? of how likely this is and what the timeline is. I'm thinking about looking for other UX researcher jobs

because that's really what I want to do. You know, if you're telling me that it's going to happen here, then like I'm just trying to understand like what's going on. Honestly, my preference would be, I love working here, I want to stay here. And at the same time, what I'm hearing from you is that like it may happen, it may not happen. Now, if you have a real asshole of a boss, they may fire you on the spot or something like that. But like, you know, I think just be honest with people. people. And this is the wild thing that I think, you know, people don't understand. Like, just because

you leave a job doesn't mean that you're going to leave on bad terms. Doesn't mean that I've worked with a bunch of people who will leave jobs with bosses on good terms. Boss moves to a different company, says, hey, we want to hire you back because I love working with you. And then, like, opportunities will come, Dom. You just keep doing what you're doing. You've done an amazing job. And, like, open yourself up to having the world not fuck you for once. Oh, that's scary. Yeah, no. Yeah.

No. That all makes sense. I agree. I think it's helpful. Questions? I don't think so. Otherwise, we're going to go on for way longer. I think we're good.

We hit the point. Okay. All right, one quick one. So, currently dating my girlfriend almost two years. Things are good. First relationship. ever. Things are cornered really well. Great. She comes from like yours like the opposite side of my

upbringing. She knows of like issues in ADHD and just struggling in general. And she's really advocating that I get things fixed. She's very health nutrition oriented mindset values a lot of that. To which she's like you definitely need to start making progress. Nothing in like timeline. Nothing. It was all the healthy conversation. Just you need to start making progress on getting better in general. How do I show progress? How do I make sure? Because I'm already over,

I overthought it for way too long, but just, is there a way other than just I am talking to someone? I guess that's really. Yeah. Okay. I'm so glad you asked. Because we're going to try to be a positive part of the world for a second.

Okay. what does she want you to do more precisely? So I don't eat regularly anymore, and that was due to working way too much. Screwed over by eating habits, so that's a struggle. Groceries, hard for me to warrant buying food. What do you mean by that? If I buy groceries, there's a good chance that I'll probably just not eat it or the amount of work that has to be put into cooking. won't do or it might just go bad.

And if that's the case, then I just wasted money that could be used elsewhere. So it's hard for me to get myself to buy groceries regularly. So I'd much rather get a cheap meal from fast food once a day. If I'm feeling it, maybe not. So eating has been really bad, which then also has then affected energy. My sleep schedule has just been terrible. So I don't have energy to begin with. also could be because of the food and also the stress.

So there's a lot of other things around it. So it's more so getting myself to a point where I'm eating. I can work out. I have energy. And I'm not. Dom, do you all talk? My girlfriend, I? Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Do you all talk about what your experiences of living and existing are? Yes. And it started off a lot. more of like, you know, the elevator speech of it. And then when this last conversation came up was when I kind of dove, like, head first until like, here is the situation. Let me try to paint it in a way that makes sense.

And she's very understanding. It's nothing, again, none of this conversation with her was bad. It's just I'm obviously going to take it to new extremes. But yes, she is understanding. She does know. and she is learning alongside with me. Okay. Can I think?

I'm going to need to think for longer than a second. Definitely. Because we do have another caller, but I want to try to give you an answer to this because the world has screwed you in enough ways and we're going to try to give you a little extra time, but that may make you feel guilty, so I don't even want to say.

Just let me think. So here's what I think you should do. Okay. caveat is I know very little about the situation. I know very little about her. I know a little bit more about you. But we're going to try something anyway. Please be critical of what I'm about to say and be thoughtful about how you apply it.

So if you have a partner who wants you to be healthier, how do you approach that? So there are a couple of inherent problems. The first is that the tools that she's working with, like the assumptions that she has, like, I can buy groceries and I can afford them. There are a lot of, like, core assumptions that she may have never questioned. So when she sees an unhealthy behavior, her diagnosis of that behavior involves all kinds of stuff that may be very different from why you do the behavior. If that gap is not bridged, y'all are in trouble. okay so because like you're just operating from a different set of rules and like if she's playing

one game and you're playing another game and you'll end up with different results it's like I'm playing a video game on the internet and every 30 seconds my power is going out and then I lose the game on the internet that doesn't mean I'm a bad player it just means the tools that I have at my disposal are completely different okay so what I would, what I would start with is try to share with her, this is where I came from, this is where I am, and this is where I want to go. And I would share with her what you shared with me. I would share with her what your struggles have been. I would also share with her what your successes have been, because you've had a lot of them. I don't know, do you realize you've had a lot

of them? They don't feel like successes, but yes. I know. So now you need to really be honest with yourself. So let me ask you, if you had a, if, if you're dead. Dad has eight diagnoses, is in and out of places. Y'all are basically broke all the time. You had to raise yourself. No one ever taught you had to study. Mom never taught you how to study, never prepared you for your tests. You've got undiagnosed ADHD.

How likely is it that you go to college? None. How likely is it that you get a full ride to college? Even less. Slim to none is your answer for the first question. So is that a success? Yes. Does it feel that way?

No. That's okay. So when you go through this process, you need to be a little bit critical of how you feel and like what you've actually accomplished. Because the truth is you've come a really long way. Right. And so like this is where you were. This is where I've come. This is where I want to go.

I want to be healthy. I want to build a career. You know, like these are the things that I want. Because I think it's important. I know this is going to sound kind of weird. but like it's important if you're in a committed relationship to demonstrate effort and progress to your partner. So like you've made progress, but you've still got a lot of work to do. Now, you don't want to kind of come across as, I don't know to say this, but like you don't want to be like a victim necessarily,

but you also don't want to minimize the shitty hand you've been dealt. That's like a reality. And you've made a progress. you're a fucking hero, and you have a long way to go and you're going to need some help, but you're planning on doing this. So I think she needs to understand that. So you should share your life story and then also like really focus on your wins. The fact that no one ever taught you how to succeed at a job, but it sounds like your

manager likes you and is advocating for you. You're a hard worker. You know, you don't give up. You're tenacious and all kinds of other stuff. That's number one. So I would specify for her where you want to go, including health and things like that. Then I would say to her, what makes it hard for you? Here's what I struggle with.

And now this is where things become really tricky. I would ask her all kinds of questions. So when you say I should eat healthy, help me understand what you think keeps me from eating healthy. When you try to eat healthy, what are the reasons that you're not? able to eat healthy and how is it that you're able to get healthy? And she's going to say something like, well, I have to be organized. I have to go to the grocery store. You know, if I go to the grocery store on Monday morning, then I'm going to eat healthy. If I don't go to the grocery store, then I won't eat healthy. Then I would ask her, like, so what are there situations where you go to the grocery

store and you throw away groceries? And then I would ask her. So like, if you had, let's say, $100 a week for food, how would that change the way that you eat? You know, and then I would kind of share with her that my experience is different. The reason I don't go to the grocery store is because if I throw out food, like, that's money that I don't have money for that. I can't, I literally can't afford it. And so I sometimes will eat calorie-dense food once a day because I get 2,000 calories for $8. And I work a lot. And that's how I survive. I'm not saying it's healthy. I'm not saying I want to stay there. It's just how it works in my head. Now, you've got to be there. couple of pitfalls here. Okay, so I'm going to give you some tips. Number one, when you talk to her,

what is your physical? How do y'all talk? Like physically, draw me a picture. Where is she? Where are you? Where are you all sitting? Other across from each other or next to each other? Never sit across from each other when you're having this conversation. Always sit next to each other. Do y'all hold hands? Yeah. Okay. So I would also do some kind of mild, intimate, I don't mean sexual, physical contact while you're having this conversation. So as she understands how privileged she is and how not privileged you are, she may feel attacked. It's very important that you don't attack her. It's very important that y'all don't compare.

So it's not about you did this way, this way. The goal in your mind should be, I care about this person. This person cares about me. I want their help and support. These are goals that I have too. But we're each coming with a different, we're playing the same game, but we've got different hands of cards. She's got a straight flush. I've got a 2-7 offsuit.

You can both win, but the strategy you use has to be different. So don't compare. Ask a lot of questions to understand her perspective. Hopefully, she will ask you questions as well. You should answer them. Be careful about comparison. Next thing. Next pitfall.

Be very careful about problem solving. So as you share certain things, you're grinning. What's that grin? It's just problem solved, trying to figure everything out. So I would make it clear to her that sometimes when y'all are talking, the goal is not for her to problem solve for you. Okay, here's how you buy groceries. Let me help you with that. I would actually be a little bit clear with her that, like, there's an understanding phase and there's a planning phase.

And like sometimes I'm just sharing for the sake of sharing. We'll figure stuff out. let's develop a plan later, but right now I need you to just listen and understand. And my goal is going to be listening and understanding. And then ask for her support. So like what do you, how, like I may need help with this. Like, how can you help me? And she'll be like, I can give you $100 a week for groceries.

Say like, okay, that's fine that you can do that. What are like, what else can you do? You may not feel comfortable with that. And you can say like, I just don't feel like, I feel that feels emasculating to me. And I want to be able to do a certain amount of this on my own. but can we just talk about it? Can you help me plan? Can you help me do this?

And sometimes it's just going to be about listening. But sometimes, I don't know how to say this, but if she grew up in a household where people meal plan and do whatever, and y'all didn't, she may actually have information for you that's useful. You just need to be really, really intentional about when y'all are like understanding and exploring

and when y'all are developing plans. How does that sound? Sounds good. Okay. Nothing against that. Any questions? are concerns. No.

Okay. That does help them. Gave me structure. Okay. Good luck to you, Dom. I appreciate it again. Thank you. Take care, man.

You as well. All right. Yeah. So in terms of summary, just real quick, you know, when we say mental health is more than mental illness, that's like, I don't know how to say this, but there's just so much evidence that financial security, just like learning how to negotiate at your job, like all kinds of stuff contributes to our sense of peace, security, lowers our physiology, and it's not all fixed in therapy.

Like, that's just not how it is. Like, I, you know, and so it's good. It's great that we're in therapy. It's good. You should absolutely do it. But also recognize that, like, you got to take care of your external material world, too. and that as you can afford to buy groceries and as you can have a savings account with a six months of like emergency savings, that is going to do so much for your stress, your sense of

well-being, your confidence in yourself, your ability to try new things, your ability to be motivated. And we sometimes like lose sight of that. So, you know, if you're in a hard situation, don't blame everything. on psychology or lack of self-worth or things like that and honestly acknowledge that sometimes life is hard.