HealthyGamerGG - Perfectionism, Pedophillic Thoughts, and Depression | Reddit Review

Episode Date: August 1, 2021

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So, let's get started. As a kid, I was obsessed with perfectionism for a while. I tried to eat perfectly, spend all my time studying, avoid wasting any time on fun and games. I initially did this because I felt lonely and unloved as a kid and I wanted people to like me for something. This kind of paid off for a while. When I got into middle school, I was deemed gifted, praised by all my classmates for being smart. I tried desperately to maintain this, but of course burned out within. a year is I've been setting higher and higher expectations of intelligence for myself. I become more and more afraid of falling short. I feel like I try my best at something and fail. I feel like I try my best at something and fail. I feel like if I try my best at something and fail, I'll hate myself. And I'm afraid of that. So I don't really put much effort into anything anymore. My mind is now hardwired to do things perfectly or not at all. If I'm not in the perfect mood to go to the gym, I don't go. If I can't do an assignment perfectly and in the right mood, I don't do it. I can't perform perfectly in a game. I don't enjoy it. I cope with these feelings by telling myself

that I could accomplish anything if I tried, but I never actually do. I also spend a lot of time maladaptive daydream to distract myself from feelings of inadequacy. I just don't know what to do about any of this. I'm in college now and I feel like I'm mentally deficient because all of the time I've struggled with perfectionism. I have almost no motivation for anything in life besides basic pleasures. I didn't even solve my initial issue of loneliness. I feel like I'm an incomplete version of normal people who are actually competent, have proper support systems, and know what they want in life. Okay.

I have a question Okay, chat. What do you all think about that? All right, so I know this sounds kind of weird. So this post was made 12 hours ago. I already responded to it, actually. Gigi. Let me see if... I want to show you all something.

We're going to... Okay. I just want to... I want to just highlight something for a second. So this was posted 12 hours ago. And, you know, I think it's interesting. So the first thing is that I thanked this person for posting this because I thought this was really good. So I, first of all, I just want to thank people in the community who respond on our subreddit because I think that, you know, I can't get to everyone.

and I really appreciate that some of y'all actually know our content better than I do. So I'm really grateful when people go out of their way to respond to these kinds of posts, try to support these people, because y'all can do it too. That's the whole point. So this is where the other thing that I kind of want to do for a second is actually show you guys a video. because this is... Hold on a second. Hold on chat. So let me just start by saying this.

So part of the reason that we made Dr. K's guides is because there are common problems that have... Hold on, let me just collect my thoughts. I'm trying to juggle too many things. Okay, let's just talk about this for a second. So the reason that we made Dr. K's guides is because this is a common problem, right? So like people face this thing.

And the challenge with perfectionism is that it's not like a psychiatric diagnosis. Like you can sort of walk into a therapist's office and you can say, you know, I'm perfectionistic. But there isn't like a particular playbook to deal with perfectionism. It's not something that we're sort of trained to deal with in an explicit way. So there are a lot of elements here which I think we see, which, you know, if you guys haven't watched this, this is a good video. I think this is, you know, early on, this is one of our first uploads, and I think it's gotten, you know, three quarters of a million views. And we hear a lot of good feedback on this video because this, how intelligence leads to avoidance is like a big part of this story. But there are other elements too.

And so we actually have, in Dr. Kay's guides in the guide on depression, there's actually a particular video called Falling Behind that talks about this sort of stuff. And so what I'm tempted to do is actually just share a piece of this video with y'all right now. Okay? And then we're just going to, because like, this is the whole reason that it's here. And hold on. Okay. Let's just watch. This feels kind of weird. One source of feeling depressed is the persistent feeling of falling behind. One source of feeling depressed is the persistent feeling of falling behind. And I, And I see this way too often that people are kind of feeling like they've fallen behind and everyone else is kind of moving on with their life and here I am kind of stuck, unable

to kind of catch up. And so in order to understand and overcome the sense of falling behind, we're going to start by sort of exploring where it comes from. Then we're going to look at how it manifests in the mind. Then we're going to take a look at what our mind normally tries to do to fix it. And finally, we'll show you guys a different way to kind of overcome this sensation. So to begin with, the sense of falling behind starts with something that I usually call the problem of escalating impossibility.

So this is best illustrated if you think about procrastinating before a test. So let's say that I have a test that's a month away, and I kind of look at my syllabus and I say, okay, I need to study one hour a day for the rest of the month and I'll be fine. hour a day for one month and I'm going to get an A on the test, no problem. And so is that what we actually do? Absolutely not, right? A couple days go by, we're definitely not going to study because our mind is telling us, we're going to watch a clip at the beginning and clip at the end.

I just need to study one hour a day. We have 27 days left, no big deal, we're good. And then a week goes by. And now you start to have this little thought in the back of your mind, hey, maybe I should start studying like, actually a week has gone by and I haven't even cracked the books like not even once. I'm going to have to study about maybe 1.5. hours a day, but that's still super manageable. I can do that every single day. And then as that

thought kind of crawls up in the back of your mind, you actually try to push it away, right? So we start to distract ourselves by maybe playing video games or watching TV or whatever. In the back of your mind, your thought is there as you watch each episode, binge watching. Oh, maybe I should start studying now. Maybe I should start studying now. But instead, you're like, no, no, no, let's just keep watching. Just don't worry about it. We'll be fine. We have plenty of time. And then two weeks roll by. And now we've got a couple of weeks left. And now the panic just starts to set in just a tiny amount. I've wasted two weeks.

But I've still got two weeks left and I can still do it. Two hours a day and I'll be totally fine for the test. And then each day that goes by that we don't study, the panic grows a little bit. And then we get into this vicious cycle because the more the panic grows, the harder it becomes to study. And then I find myself being like, okay, I have 10 days left. the weekend, oh my God, am I going to be able to do it? And then what we end up doing is like partying all weekend long because we don't want to think about the test. And the more negative emotion we feel, the more we have to distract ourselves, the more we have to try to forget.

And every day that goes by, it can feel like that that perfect score on the test is getting further and further away. And then you have to study five hours a day. And then you have to study eight hours a day. And at some point it starts to feel impossible. And at some point you kind of feel this gigantic mishmash of regret for not starting earlier. Last minute panic to kind of push you forward and actually start studying finally. And also like kicking yourself because, oh man, this would have been so easy if I had started earlier. And so in this jumble of emotions, we kind of, it's like all of these emotions that we're feeling, we show up and we take the test and we try to forget about it immediately.

We go and we distract ourselves, we go party. Oh my God, it's, thank God it's over. So the question becomes, where did all of that emotional energy that was building up over the course of the month, where did it go? Because you feel that instant relief, it's over, it's in the past, push it out of my mind as hard as I can. The problem is that each time we do that,

that sense kind of, that emotional energy sort of gets buried in our mind as a sumskar. And we sort of have this sense that I'm someone Okay, chat, we're going to just jump forward, okay? So that's the general premise. There's some stuff in the middle. The more insignificant any step I need seen in a long time. And so we were at this Christmas party.

I was 26 or 27. And then she asked me, I'll look, what are you up to? And I was like, yeah, school. And look how far she's come. And I haven't even gotten in. I don't even know if I'm going to get into medical school. And she's already done with it. And it can feel so shaming.

to be in that situation. And when I think about what my mind tells me in that moment, it tells me, man, do you have a lot of catching up to do? And this is the tricky thing, is that the more that I have to catch up, the bigger the mountain that I need to climb, the more insignificant any step I need to take is. And this is the real problem with catching up, which is that catching up is an action that's wrapped in an expectation. And what I mean by that is that the actions that I have to take, irrespective of whether I'm behind or not, that's just all a mental construction. The actions that I have to take are actually exactly the same.

Whether I'm trying to lose a bunch of weight, if I'm trying to lose 100 pounds or 50 pounds or 20 pounds, the action is still the same. It's still to go to the gym. The problem is that if I'm trying to lose 100 pounds and I go to the gym, then it feels like I haven't really taken a step forward. And so as I try to catch up, the more my mind tells me you need to catch up, you need to catch up, you need to catch up, the harder it is to actually take one step forward. So bizarrely, what we need to do in order to move forward is to let go of catching up.

And if we want to move forward from falling behind, what we really need to do is let go of catching up and this idea that you've fallen behind. Because it doesn't matter, I mean, behind is a mental construction. Catching up is a mental construction. If you want to get into shape, you have to go to the gym. That's the only way forward. Your way forward is exactly the same. same. And this complex of falling behind and catching up is just layered on top of your mind

and makes every action way more hard. So then that begs the question, why is it so damn hard to let go of catching up? Why is it so damn hard to let go of falling behind? And this is where the redemption art comes in. Because we've been raised on a culture of triumph, that the hero at 45 minutes into the movie is, you know, everything is stacked against him. And that's when you dig deep and you really win and you become an amazing person. So I remember after that Christmas party, I went home and I was like laying in bed and I was thinking the only way that I can catch up

is I have to go to Harvard because she didn't go to Harvard. And if I go to Harvard, I'm gonna do better than her. I'll be better than her. I can actually catch up. The more far behind I fall, the more I have to become awesome and magnificent. If I've dropped out of college, I have to start a billion dollar tech startup to make up for. And in that moment what our mind is trying to do is we have all of this dormant emotional energy.

All of these times that we've told ourselves, you can do better, you should have started studying earlier. Why are you so dumb? Why didn't you start? Why didn't you start? All that emotional energy is sitting down there. And so what our mind has to do is I need a triumph. I need a victory. I need something that can make me feel so good about myself that it's stronger than all of that toxicity of me being a person who's fallen behind.

And that's the real problem, is because if I tell you to stop catching up, if I tell you to let go of catching up, what are you letting go of is that fantasy of that triumph. You become in your mind the hero who just quits at 45 minutes, right? Instead of triumphing over everything and being the victor, I'm suddenly just a guy who is 26 years old and applying to medical school. So the desire to catch up is actually what keeps us stuck. And if you really want to move forward, you have to let that go. You have to let go of the entire construction, right?

Because what does it mean to have fallen behind? It's a construct of the mind. What does it mean to catch up? It's a construct of the mind. What does it mean to have triumph in redemption? It's all thoughts in my head. If I meet that my friend next year at the Christmas party, it's just a conversation I'm going to have.

If I'm in medical school, I'm in medical school. If I've caught up, I've caught up, if I haven't, whatever. It's just, it's all the same. I'm a medical student. Reality is one thing and we just layer a construct on top of it. So the way to move forward is to let go of catching up. The way to move forward is to recognize that action can only be taken in the present. And moving forward may never let me catch up, but I don't need to catch up.

All I really need to do to become unstuck is to move forward. And so the problem of falling behind, this sum-scata falling behind, is something that people struggle with a lot. And my hope is that by understanding how it's born, how it's, how it manifests, how our mind tries to deal with it, we can actually take a slightly different approach. We can unplug that entire mental construction and start to actually do something that moves our life in the right direction. Okay. So let's talk about this for a second.

So like this is like literally why we made Dr. Kay's guides. Like literally. It's because like these problems that people face, right? like these things that people post 12 hours ago, it really wasn't a plan. Like, and you guys know, like, this is what we deal with. And the issue is that there are actually things that can be done about this. So let's kind of unpack this. And the reason that I showed it is because, frankly, any explanation that I give here

is not going to be as clean and as polished as like what's in the guide because, you know, we wrote out of script and we did takes and all that good stuff. But here are a couple of elements to it, okay? So these are the guides that are being released in like six weeks or something. So here's the thing. So someone says, okay, I'm perfectionistic. Like, why are they perfectionistic? So they have the element of, you know, being gifted at the beginning, right?

Which is the whole intelligence leads to avoidance things. So check out that YouTube video. But then here's the big problem with being perfectionistic. As I fall behind, I have in my mind a mental anchor of where. I should be. And then the challenge is that if I take a step towards where I should be, so like, let's say like I'm 100 pounds overweight. If I lose two pounds and I set a mental anchor that I need to lose 100, it feels like I haven't made any progress. Like if I feel kind of insecure about myself, if I feel like I've fallen behind, I lose two pounds of weight. And then instead

of being inspired by that, my body actually does the, my mind does the opposite. It says like, this is never going to be enough. As long as I strive for perfection, as long as I anchor myself to some artificial goal, anything that I do is never going to be enough. But if I let go of that perfectionism, if I let go of that, then like losing two pounds, like in order to lose 100 pounds, I have to lose two pounds. Absolutely. If my goal is to lose 100 pounds, it has to start by losing two. I can't lose all 100 all at once. But the problem is that when we have this idea of perfectionism, we set up this goal for ourselves of what we want to be. And as we like move towards that goal, instead of like actually getting positive reinforcement by

taking one step forward, the more we strive for perfectionism, the harder it is to actually take like one step forward because anything that you do on the journey is going to be insufficient, won't be perfectionistic. So then you end up staying stuck. Right. So like, I'm not going to try anything until I can be perfect, which in turn means that I'm paralyzed because I can never try anything because the first time I try something, I'm never going to be perfect. And so this is a huge problem. So how do you let go of that, right? It's about sort of like understanding where did this idea of perfectionism come from? Because it is a construct of the mind. There's no such thing as a perfect anything. Like you look around. There's no such thing as a perfect like walk outside. Like I'm, you know,

I'm in a place where there are plants outside. So if you look outside, there's no such thing as a perfect plant. Perfection is a construct of the human mind. It cannot be found in nature. In nature, the only thing that is is just like what is. There's no such thing as a perfect rock. There's no such thing as a perfect orbit. There's no such thing as like a perfect anything. Right? It's a human construct. Even geometric perfection is like that's a human that says that this is geometric perfection. Right? We are the ones who apply the standard of perfection. It's not a real thing. And so like the more that we chase that idea of perfection, the more it actually paralyzes us because anything, so this is the key point that I want you all to understand.

If you hold on to perfectionism, it is actually does not reinforce progress. Progress and perfectionism are at two ends of the spectrum. And because if I like, like if I want to iterate, if I want to try, if I want to get better, if I want to progress, progress is not about the end. It's about the beginning or the next step. And so the more I hold on to perfectionism, the harder it is to progress. I won't let myself progress. And so that's the huge scam about this kind of thinking. And y'all are right that like, you know, it's hard, right? Because if you let go of your perfectionism, like, what are you left with?

Because the reason that you need the perfectionism is because you have to make up for like all the stuff that you didn't do right. Right? So like if we look at this case here, we look at this case, you know, like my mind is now hardwired to do things perfectly or not at all. If I'm not in the perfect mood to the gym, I don't go. Right? So, like, this is the problem. So then, then, like, where did this come from? And so this, this is a result of this right here.

As I begin setting higher and higher expectations of intelligence for myself, I become more and more afraid of falling short. And you can't, like, there's no such thing as falling short. Falling short is all about not living up to an expectation in your mind. If I lose two pounds at the gym, I lose two pounds of the gym. If I do 10 pushups, I do 10 pushups. If I do 20 pushups, I do 20 pushups. The action plus the and the expectation need to be separated.

So if you're stuck in perfectionism, what you need to do is separate the action from the expectation. Recognize that like everything in your head is just some psychological construct. It's not like a real thing. And as you separate out the expectation from the action, then you'll be able to act. Practically what that looks like is like, you know, really exploring, you know, what makes it hard for you to go to the gym and not be perfect?

Because with the thought of going to the gym and not being perfect, like, what does that evoke in your mind? What's like the emotion that comes up when you think about doing that? Because chances are it'll be something like shame. It'll be something like dissatisfaction. It'll be, it feels like it's not enough. It feels like it's not enough. And then I encourage you to like look at that for a second. what you're experiencing there is not truth. It's an emotion. Right? So like as you experience the emotion, recognize that that's just an emotion. And this kind of reminds me like this is a lesson that I learned when I was talking to someone who was responsible for security at a college campus. And so like we, I was dealing with someone in the emergency room who had been through a traumatic experience. And I talked to the security officer at, at the university. And then they,

And the university officer said that, you know, so I mentioned them that this person doesn't feel safe. And then the university person said, it's my job to make campus safe, not to make people feel safe. I can't, like, control the way that people feel. What I can control is actually creating an environment that is, like, safe for them to be in. And it was like a shocking thing to say because it sounded so, like, cold and callous on the one hand, right? And the security guy's like, yeah, I don't care if people feel safe. You know, that's sort of what it sounded like. But, I mean, he didn't say that, it wasn't saying that he didn't care.

He said that his real responsibility is to create a safe environment. And sometimes, even in a safe environment, people feel unsafe. So what are we actually like, what are we going off of here? Like, what is our compass? Are we going to let our feelings of inadequacy dictate what we actually do? Because as you tunnel down into perfectionism, what you'll decide. discover is like what's actually holding you back, like what's what's dictating your life is an emotion. And so like the emotion is like I'm not saying that we shouldn't be compassionate

towards the emotion. The emotion can be valid, but at the end of the day, it's an emotion. And this is the really tricky thing about emotions, is that the more strong your emotion is, the more you think it is reality. When in actuality, the less likely it is to be real. Right. So as I become angry, my perception of reality becomes more distorted, the more angry I feel. But if you talk to someone who's angry, they are going to think that their mind is 100% accurate. And so it's a really problematic conundrum that the more distorted our perceptions are, the more convinced we are that our perceptions are correct. And so when it comes to perfectionism, pay attention to what it is that holds you back from doing something less than perfect because that's where the money is going to be.

And as you are able to tolerate that negative emotion, you will actually become unstuck. Okay? And yeah, I mean, that's like just to reiterate. Like, that's why we made the guides. Because like, you know, this is the goal is that like, you know, instead of, so let's just think about this for a second. Like instead of like RNG, right, which is, okay. So someone, you know, just posting something on Reddit and just happens to be the day that we do a community screen, like a lot of these answers are in the guides, which is why we made them. And so the goal is to like actually give you guys, you know, 70% of like what most people need.

And that's because the last 30% tends to be like very individual. But, you know, 70% of it is like I share the same stuff with like 70% of people that I work with. So that's what's in there. All right. Moving on to the next one. Community stream. Stream. Speaking of community scream.

Next one. Okay. So I have pedophilic thoughts. I fight against them every day. Please advise. Okay. So once again, disclaimer, Andy.

All right? So like a reminder that, you know, what we're doing is commenting on general mental health information as opposed to, you know, offering detailed advice.

So we're going to just, you know, this is also, like, is this TOS concerning? Okay, let's just, we won't read the whole post, but I just want to acknowledge, you know, that this is there and we're going to talk a little bit about this. Okay. So, so this is where like the first thing that I want you all to understand is like when we think about who we are, what is your mind? So the mind is a thought generating machine, right? And this is. This is interesting because like what I would describe this person as having, maybe they have

pedophilic thoughts, but let's call them intrusive thoughts, right? So I'm going to sort of generalize this a little bit. So sometimes our mind generates thoughts that like we don't like. And so if we stop and think about then, then what happens is we feel like morally deficient for our mind generating particular thoughts. Whereas it like in my personal view and when I work with people who have intrusive thoughts that are ego dystonic, and we'll get to what that means in a second, which means the thoughts that they don't like. I don't consider that person to be morally deficient. In fact, I actually consider that person to be like I respect them morally because they recognize that there are particular thoughts that they have a moral issue with and they try

to not give into those thoughts, which actually like earns me respect or my respect. And because when I think about, you know, what is respectable, it's actually like not giving into your mind, right? It's being in control, whether it's sort of like, and that's the goal that, you know, most of what I do as an addiction psychiatrist is teaching people how to be in control of their mind instead of their mind controlling them, which then begs the question of, like, what are you if you aren't your mind and all that kind of stuff? But I just want you all to understand that your mind just generates thoughts, right? Like, so if I, like, if you're walking down the street and you see like, you know, yesterday I was driving down the street and I saw a turtle in the

road and then I started thinking about like the turtle and oh I got to find a place like I got to find a body of water and like pick up the turtle and dropped it off in a stream somewhere so like the thoughts in my mind are generated by all kinds of random stuff I'm not responsible for thinking about a turtle because like I was just going down the street street and I saw a turtle right and the turtle was stranded so then my mind started thinking about the turtle if a friend of mine messages me and says hey you should check out this clip from like you know this tournament that was awesome and then if I like then I'm thinking about the tournament and I'm thinking about the clip and I watch the clip and then my mind is thinking about that. So we're not really responsible for what our mind generates.

What we're responsible for is how we act in response to the thoughts that we generate. And as a psychiatrist, I work with a lot of people who have negative intrusive thoughts. So sometimes they can be sexual in nature. Sometimes people will have thoughts of violence. sometimes they'll have thoughts of like, you know, just all kinds of random stuff that they don't want to think. And what you all need to understand is that the mind is just like a thought generating machine, so it's just going to like generate thoughts. That doesn't make you a bad person. If you are having negative intrusive thoughts, I think the right move absolutely is to go see a licensed mental health professional. This is definitely something that I would say that can be so painful and the consequences can actually be like,

quite severe, depending on what your thoughts are, and if you lose control of those, that I definitely think it behooves you to get some assistance in sort of achieving your goals of like not, you know, propagating these thoughts or giving into them. So I think that like we have trained professionals and it's not about shame or it doesn't make you a bad person. It's just like, you know, you definitely want to get as much help as you can so that you don't have to feel that way. And the other thing that comes with intrusive thoughts is intense feelings of shame and guilt, right? Because we feel guilty for thinking these things. Whereas once again, our mind just generates thoughts. So I think it really like people deserve to, you know, work through that guilt and

be free of that. And your mind can generate all kinds of thoughts. It doesn't necessarily make you a bad person. I think what makes you a bad person is how you act, right? We have, we have a Jedi and we have a Sith Lord inside all of us. It's just like, which side do you give into? Like, that's where the money is. that's what's important. The last thing that I will say when it comes to intrusive thoughts is that there are ways in my experience to cultivate a particular kind of thinking. So in this case, you know, and this is where things get complicated, but a lot of times the thoughts that our mind generates come from a particular experience or incident or something like that. A lot of times thoughts relating to, you know, pedophilia and things like that, sometimes those can be related to traumatic experiences in childhood. I've certainly seen that.

And the good news is that, like, as you work through those kinds of things, that the thoughts can actually lessen and even completely go away. I certainly do believe, I mean, so we do this a lot in the dimension of yoga, is that we cultivate a particular kind of thinking. So if you think about where do the thoughts in your mind come from, some of them come from inside your mind, and some of them come from outside your mind. So if I have a bunch of friends who are playing a particular game, so like everyone has been playing Valerant recently, my mind is going to be thinking about Valerant. So that thought comes from the outside. So as you cultivate a particular kind of environment, you can start to sow particular seeds in your mind that will then bear fruit of a particular kind of thoughts. If I'm thinking about Valerant and playing Valerant and like hanging out with people who are talking about Valorant, my mind is

going to be thinking about Valerant many hours of the day. Whereas if I'm at a cooking camp with a bunch of people who love to cook and we're all experimenting recipes, that's what I'm going to think about. And then a month from now, when my mind sort of like remembers what I've been doing, it'll either think about cooking or it'll think about Valorin, depending on what I sort of do in the interim. So just to kind of like summarize, the first thing is that generally speaking, sometimes people have something called intrusive thoughts. So intrusive thoughts are thoughts that you don't want to happen and can't stop. These, I don't think, make you a bad person. So, like, some people have intrusive thoughts. Sometimes intrusive thoughts are a sign of something like

obsessive-compulsive disorder or OCD, right? And sometimes, especially in people like, I've had patients, for example, who will get diagnosed with OCD and will have very negative thoughts. And then as we treat the OCD, the negative thoughts actually decrease. And then, like, they can sort of be free of them. So there's actually treatment for this kind of stuff. and a lot of times, like, this person is thinking, like, I am a pedophile. Like, the problem here is that they've diagnosed themselves. Whereas, you know, sexual thoughts that are inappropriate are not a diagnosis. They're a symptom that could come from any manner of places. It could come from traumatic experiences in childhood. It could even be a normal variant of the human population. We don't really know. It could also be related to obsessive compulsive disorder. There are a lot of different things that we don't really understand about the nature of these thoughts. And so it's really important to see a licensed professional that will help you work through these things so that you can get the appropriate treatment.

The last thing to kind of consider is that you can cultivate your thoughts in a particular direction. Okay? All right. So questions about that. Was something clipped? Did I say something inappropriate? So, so the...

Okay. So this is where like I recognize that this like maybe we get a temporary ban like if we do that's, you know, hopefully we don't get permanent ban. But you know, if we get a temporary ban like I wouldn't be upset about that. Like I think it's reasonable that, you know, there are limits and TOS concerns and things like that. And this is the challenge that we face, right? Is that like, but like the problem is that these people are out there and they're actually like way more common than you think. These experiences are really common. So the challenge that I face is like what do we do about this? Right? Because people are like, like, having these thoughts out there and they're super ashamed of it. They feel like really bad about it. Like there's like nowhere to talk about it. And it's my experience that like sometimes you have to face difficult situations to like work through them so that you can like healthily move past it. And I don't know how we do that without acknowledging that these things exist and trying to support these people and understand these phenomenon. And if we get banned for that, you know, hopefully not famous last words. Like, you know, I'm not going to argue.

you against that. I think it would be appropriate. Like, I could understand the case that we get banned for having this discussion here. But at the same time, like, you know, these things happen. And it's important for people to recognize that it's not that isolated of experience. Intrusive thoughts happen a lot. And there are all kinds of methods that you can get help for this. It doesn't mean that you're a morally deficient person. Just go see a licensed professional. You will be amazed by what people can do for you if you reach out for help. Okay. So some people are asking, isn't a lot of it rooted in being sexually assaulted as a child? So, this question is important because I want you all to understand that when you have a case like this, we don't know where it's

rooted. I want you all to understand, as a clinician, there is something called a differential diagnosis. So if you have intrusive thoughts, there are a number of different things which could be causing them. That's why it's important to not jump to conclusions, and that's why it's important to see a licensed mental health professional because we could talk, I can talk to you generally about intrusive thoughts, but I would be doing a huge disservice if I said that these intrusive thoughts come from this place and only this place. Because my experience as a clinician is that intrusive thoughts can have their origin in many different areas. And that's why it behooves you. You deserve to go work with an individual person who can help you find the actual origin

of where these thoughts are coming from. And sometimes those can be from things like sexual assault in childhood. Okay? Can we get a behoove emote? Behoove emote for the win. All right, chat, was that okay that we talked about that? Or we like, we go there? You know, and let's let's remember a chat that we're going to be respectful of the rules. And let's remember that if we do get some kind of TOS violation or ban or something, like let's not all grab our pitchforks and understand that there's someone who, you know, who's making a decision who, like, is seeing a lot of different things, and we have to be careful about how these discussions are managed. So, you know, like, even if we disagree with something,

like, we're not the ones who have to, like, mind the shop, right? So let's try to be a little bit open-minded and, like, understanding of what happens. Would I agree with it? Not really, but at the same time, I can understand where people are coming from. Because sometimes these conversations can degenerate very quickly. Okay. All right. Um, our, right, let's go. Next. I'm afraid I won't be able to unequip my armor. Okay, plug in your keyboard, bro. Hey, guys, bit of a long post. Um, and I'm on mobile. Okay. I recently have gone through a completely unanticipated breakup with the first girl I think I've ever truly loved. And her entirely, in her entirety and as unselfishly as I think I can. Okay. So you unselfishly

after. All right, got it. I don't know how many details are necessary, but essentially she blindsided me two years into a relationship with which I thought the future was bright and clear. I was looking at rings the week before and essentially told me she needed time to be single and focus on God. Okay? My concern isn't with her reasons. I'll admit I'm very frustrated and don't entirely understand what she needs, but I respect her decision and believe that she needs us to be a part, although her behavior since the breakup has been somewhat confusing. My concern is that I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to trust someone the way I trusted her again. I grew up in a household with a narcissistic mother who constantly told my twin and I how much she hated us and dreaded us coming home to us every day, every day until we were 18 and went our separate ways.

There's something in Dr. K's guides about this scenario too, okay? We're not going to play that video, but we'll just be. just talk about this. This obviously led to a severe relationship, led to severe relationship issues with which I've been a serial date or always looking for affection that I didn't grow up with, and I feel like a certain void is filled during relationships. Contested with severe security issues, which has at worst led me to being over possessive, and at best led me to keep my relationships at arm's length and not to let them get too close. I will give myself credit and say that I've come a long way in this regard. Okay, we'll get to that. It wasn't until this past

relationship that I feel felt completely at ease in the relationship and 100% trusted the other person. She was also honest with me and I with her and I felt like we grew so well together and built an amazing foundation for a future together. Never in my mind did I think that breaking up would have been an option for us. With that trust and perspective being absolutely shattered, I feel I've reverted back to a completely apathetic person. Nothing has purpose to the to me anymore in the idea of speaking or seeing anyone that isn't her just sounds gut-wrenching. To borrow a term from Dr. Kay used in his conversation with Destiny, I feel like I was wearing emotional armor with her. I was wearing emotional armor when her and I met and she helped me take it off,

and now I feel as if it's stuck and I'm not sure how to take it off on my own. Thank you. Great. Great post. Okay. let's talk about this. A couple of different dimensions. So, first of all, huge props, not only for posting, but like this person has obviously come a long way, right? Like, and I, I love it. I love so much about this post. I mean, I know that this person is struggling a lot right now, but I can't help but appreciate a lot of the growth that this person has gone through. So, like, first of all, they recognize so much about themselves. And if there's one thing that makes me, like, optimistic about your future, it's awareness. Awareness. Awareness.

precedes control in all things. It's a fundamental yogic principle, which if you don't understand, you just have to think about the last time you had dental work done, and you got numbed up, right? Like, when you're numbed up, you can't feel anything like this, you can't control anything. So you have to be aware of something before you can change it. Okay? So this person grew up with narcissistic parents, and it took a lot of work for them to be able, they started to enter into unhealthy relationship patterns, where either they were like overly callous, or like other things, right? So what did they say?

Let's just take a look at what they're... Okay. So because they grew up in a narcissistic household, you know, they became a serial date or first always looking for affection that I didn't grow up with. And they were filling a void from their like upbringing through like romantic relationships, which was unhealthy. And then they kind of potentially grew out of that

or at the same time navigated being like, overly possessive or overly callous. So this is like very, very, it's a very insightful like understanding of their situation. So when we grow up with people and we sort of have a void of emotion like emotional love from parents or other figures, we try to like solve that in our romantic relationships. And then these relationships tend to do poorly because we're trying to fix something from the past with a different person in our current relationship, and that just doesn't work out. So you become a serial dater, you become overly possessive or overly callous, really actually common pattern. Then they meet someone. They fall in love.

They're able to be vulnerable. They're able to, like, connect with them. They're able to take down their emotional armor, right? And that makes a lot of sense because over time, when you grow up in a narcissistic household, you build up defenses to keep yourself from getting hurt. And now this person is like, I let down my defenses and this person broke up with me. And now I feel like I can never take off my armor again. So let me say this. The first thing is that when we go through a stressful and traumatic experience, there's a tendency to regress. Okay.

So this is like the equivalent of like going back to what you know. It's like, so every now and then, so I'm going to give you guys Dota analogy. Okay. So like I usually play position five. So I usually play support. And every now and then I'll get it into my. mind, it's like, I'm going to play mid, or I'm going to play carry, and I'm going to show these nobs, like, because I just got destroyed by some hero, like some, you know, carry in the last game.

It's like, I'm going to step outside of my comfort zone and I'm going to, and I get punished for it, right? I try something. I step out of my comfort zone. I get punished. What happens in my mind? It's like, back to position five, back to what we know, back to safe ground. Like, let's go back to like what works for us. Like, we've tried this for years. It's worked for us. Emotional armor is good. right? Like, let's go back to our emotional armor. That's what we need. So the first thing is, that's actually completely okay. Don't worry about it. Like, I know it sounds weird. I know it sounds like, oh my God, I was able to trust this person. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust again. You'll be able to trust again. You just won't be able to trust anytime soon, and it's going to take some time. Okay, but this is how you learn how to take armor off and put armor on. So like, you've been wearing it your whole life and you like, it took you a couple of years, but you figured out how to take it off. And then, then you got hurt. So then you put it back on. You strapped it back on very quickly. And the second time, it'll be easier. And the third time, it'll be easier. And the fourth time, it'll be easier. Now, each time you take it off, will you, is there a possibility you'll get hurt again? Absolutely.

Will it hurt? Will it suck? Absolutely. But the skill that we want to teach you is how to take the armor off and on, which you have to practice. Right. So if you're worried that you won't be able to love anyone ever again and won't be able to trust anyone ever again. Like, I think that's a valid worry, but I don't think that's actually what's going to happen because what your story tells me is that you're someone who probably has really hard problems. Like, if you think about growing up with a narcissistic mother and being a serial date or learning how to take it off the first time, like, you've done this before, right? You've completed it once. And you'll be able to do it again, but don't rush and don't force yourself. Right? So like it hurts. You're feeling that

rejection, you're going to protect yourself, protect yourself. Don't try to take the armor off for six months, one year, whatever. Right? It's actually completely okay. I mean, I know that you're worried about like being, you know, permanently this way, but I don't think that's going to happen. I think it's just you're hurting right now. And so like, what does the mind do when we're hurt? It protects itself. So as the hurt decreases and as you get over the hurt, you'll be able to take off the armor again. It'll take some work, but you'll get there. So it's okay. All right. So like for those of you who feel like, you know, I took my armor off and now I got hurt and now I can't like I'm never going to be able to take it off again. It's okay for you to, oh wow, we got a thousand dollar donation.

Thank you very much. Be cool, man. And so, yeah, sorry. Damn it. People donate a lot. I just lose my train of thought because I'm overwhelmed with gratitude. What was I saying, chat? Remind me.

Help me. Help me. What was I saying? Stunlocked. No, just stunned once. Stunlocked as people keep donating. Thanks, Golden Corp. Be cool, man. Don't combo me, chat. Seriously, let me finish my point, then you guys.

What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. Okay, so you're not going to stay like stock forever without, with armor on, okay? Okay. The other thing is that, you know, I'd be a little bit, I'm a little bit skeptical about some of these. Oh, shit. I should lock that. I'm a little bit skeptical about some of the stuff.

So, just one other thing that I'd like to point out, chat. Is, so just a couple of things, okay? So the first is that, like, you know, I know that this person is feeling, like, rejected and hurt, but I don't know that this is a betrayal, per se, right? So I'd encourage this person to think a little bit about, you know, you can be, you know, really into someone and you guys can be like in a good, healthy relationship. But I think it's important to remember that, you know, people grow over time. It sounds like you were dating this person for two years. People grow. They can change.

They can sort of evolve as people. And like, it's okay for you to be dating to someone and like you all be in the perfect relationship for that. but as you each grow as individuals, like y'all could essentially grow apart and like you can sort of part ways, right? So I'm hearing, you know, some of this stuff sounds a little bit strange to me, but, you know, like,

I think it's actually like pretty respectful on, I'm assuming it's a woman. Yeah, first girl. So like, you know, I think if she's in a headspace where she doesn't think that like, like she's ready for this kind of, commitment of relationship and she wants to focus on other issues. I actually think it's sort of like healthy for her to let you know that, right? Here you are looking at rings and she's like, yeah,

I'm not sure if this is the relationship for me or this is not the time to be in a relationship for me. And so I think it's actually, I'd hope that you can see, you know, over time that like this could be actually like a good sort of good move on her part in terms of like not actually betraying your trust, but if she's not feeling the same way you do, then, then like, you know, I think it's really healthy for her to let you know that so that you don't get hurt more down the road. The other thing that I want to talk a second about is like, I'd be careful about boundaries here too, okay, bro. So, you know, I'll admit I'm very frustrated and don't entirely understand what she needs, but I respect her decision and beliefs that she needs us to be a part, although her

behavior since the breakup has been somewhat confusing. This you got to be careful about, okay? So when it comes to a healthy relationship, when this person says, I'll admit that I'm frustrated with not understanding what she needs. So like this is where like it is the responsibility of each person in the relationship to communicate what their needs are to the other person. So this is where, you know, I don't want to like bash this person, but I'm going to say a couple of things, which I'm going to infer for a moment. they may be unfair, you all need to really stop donating because it's distracting. There was a $69 donation from Anonymous, a $27, and a $250 donation because I want to say something. It's important. Wait, chat. Thank you for the donation. Wait. Okay. So boundaries and relationships are important. If you feel frustrated because this person is not communicating their needs to you, you can be in love with them.

They can be amazing. And at the same time, like, you got to be a little bit careful, right? because if someone has like, if she's going through stuff and is not able to communicate that with you in a healthy way, like, you got to be really careful because what does that mean down the road? Right? What if she's like going through another internal crisis and then like you're kind of confused because you're into this and she, her head is somewhere else and like that can be really dangerous. And then the last thing that you got to be careful about is you said, I'm confused about her behavior since we've broken up, which implies that you guys are still like communicating or. interacting in some way. And this is where I'd really cautioned you to be very careful. Because if you aren't dating and she's essentially broken up with you, I'd be careful about what kind of relationship you maintain with her. Because even though there may be a part of you that wants to be with her, if she's someone that's not communicating with you in a healthy way and wants to work through things and was like breaking up with you while she works through stuff, instead of having you be a part of that process and growth, which you don't necessarily have to, right, depending on what she's trying to do.

but generally speaking, when I see healthy relationships, they usually, like, have communication prior to the, by the way, I'm dumping you because I need to focus on God. Like, that's fine. Like, in the sense, it's healthy because she's sort of letting you know what she needs. And at the other hand, it's like kind of unhealthy for her to kind of blindside you like that, right? So, like, presumably she didn't make that decision over 24 hours. And if you guys are like in a relationship where you're thinking about stuff that you don't think is going well in the relationship,

I strongly encourage you to talk to your partner about it. Right? And then like give them the opportunity to help you through it, think through it. You know, I know that a lot of people kind of talk about the relationship I have with my wife. We've struggled a lot. We're like, you know, we've talked about breaking up before. We've talked about getting divorced before and things like that. And like, you know, part of that is like, you know, it's about having the conversation and being like, hey, this is how I feel.

Where do you think this is going? Is this something that we can work through? And at the end of the day, what I want you all to understand is like a relationship is a co-op game. Right? So if you guys want to succeed, y'all got a co-op. And that involves like facing difficult problems. So if you're thinking about breaking up with someone, don't, you know, I mean, you're entitled to do whatever you want to. Like, you can just drop it on them.

But I think it's like healthy from like a relationship skills building way to voice your concerns with the other person. And then like give them a chance to respond because maybe. Maybe you're, like, mistaken about something. Maybe they've been feeling the same thing. Maybe, like, give them an opportunity to kind of work on it. You know, so, like, give them an opportunity to, like, play co-op with you, especially if you've been in a relationship for two years. Yeah.

Do you guys... Okay, so, Chad, a quick question. Should we read the comments to this post or move on? Comments, yeah or nay? I can't tell. Can we pull? Pull, pull, pull, pull. I don't know how to pull.

Hold on. Let me see if I can figure this out. Pull. Okay, there we go. I'm saying yes. Paul? Paul, Paul, Paul. Co-op play. Is that like swinging?

Yes. Generally speaking, it's swinging with one person. Consistently, over time. Okay, we're going to review comments. Let's see what people have the subreddit thing. Let's go chat. Hey, man, first of all, I'm sorry. Breakups suck. I'm still healing from mine, and that was months ago.

I can only suggest what worked from me because I don't know your situation. Go, no contact on your ex. This just means that you do not initiate contact with her in any way, shape, or form. You won't ignore her if she talks to you, but you need this time to grieve and go through your feelings. And seeing talking to her when she's not receptive won't help you. Oh, this is great, dude. I love this comment. Because sometimes people think that go into contact, like, they interpret that as, you know, don't even respond to her.

But, like, I think not initiating contact is, like, really a far healthier way to do it. Okay, journal and meditate. I'm not much of a journaling person myself before the breakup, but I can tell you that this is the last change I needed. I started just under a month ago, and I already feel a huge difference. This is part, this is the part when you work through unequipping your armor. Beautiful. Dude, love the subreddit.

FBC music, I don't know if that's music or magic. Thanks for Andy M in print and anonymous for the donations, by the way. You all can donate as much as you all want now. Okay. Oh, and by the way, that confusing behavior towards the breakup might just be that she is being hot and cold because she is also confused. No contact helps with that too. It might sound hard, but at this point, anything that is not, hey, babe, I want us to work

this out is just breadcrumbs. Yeah, so when this person says she is confused, I think that's a good way to put it. And we're going to talk about, you know, I want to make a guide to relationships at some point. and I want you all to understand that like a lot, like most human beings are ambivalent about most things. So like very few human beings are 100% towards a particular direction. Most of the time, they like, there are reasons that she wants to be with you and there are reasons why she doesn't want to be with you. And that's why she's been in a relationship for two years. So it's not that she's like 100% towards breaking up.

It's like she's probably 51% plus towards breaking up, which means that she may be exhibiting a lot of behavior that feels quote unquote hot and cold because obviously she's getting something out of the relationship she cares about you to some degree. And I think this is good advice too that sort of not cultivating a particular kind of thought where you're thinking about her all the time is actually really important. And that's why no contact actually helps. Okay. So thanks. I appreciate that. I've been no contact since we broke up. She initiated all the contact we've had since then as I've tried to respect her space so she can get up, can get what she needs out of this. Cool. One of the hardest things is it seems like I'm doing everything right post-breakup, but I'm not getting better. I typically recover from relationships

in a few weeks, but this one just feels different. Yeah, man. Yeah. Okay, let's read one more. First of all, I feel for you growing up with Narc parents sucks. I don't have any advice for your specific situation, but I will say that many of us who grew up with Narc parents have similar core wounding and issues you describe are very common in children raised in such households. Absolutely true. Specifically, the thing about emotional armor boundary issues, how to communicate your needs, etc. I found this channel very helpful for advice for people who grew up with narcissistic parents. Interesting. I'm not sure if you've seen it, but there's a video talking with William about healing from CTPSD, CPDSD from narc parents. That's probably pretty helpful. That's a good one. I like that one.

Cool. Okay, next. Seriously, everyone, thank you so much for the donations, everybody. So someone's asking a question, what is narcissism? Okay. What would y'all say, chat? What's narcissism? Go to the gym.

Yeah, so that, you know, like, that's, listen, part of the reason I like this community is because different solutions from different people, right? So, like, I'd say, take in what everyone has to say and see what resonates with you. So here's what I'd say narcissism is. Narcissism is a fragile sense of self, which is really built upon like an insecurity. So people who are narcissistic tend to think that everything has to do with them. So they attribute personal motivations to all kinds of like random actions. So like, you know, if you didn't come in for work today, you didn't care about how much I'd work I'd have to do.

do if you didn't come in. Like, you're so, like, you lack compassion because don't you realize, like, since you didn't come in, I had to do so much more work. How could you do this to me? Whereas, like, yeah, the reason I didn't come in is because I had COVID. You know, so people will attribute personal reasons to, like, all kinds of, like, random things. Right? So the reasons that things happen in the world are varied and do not have to do necessarily. with you. But people who are narcissistic tend to attribute personal reasons and, like, malice to all kinds of random stuff. It tends to be insecurity coded by arrogance. So there's like a core of insecurity coated by a nice layer, a nice jillet of arrogance, right? We can talk more about

narcissism. Let's finish up with our review. And then I got to figure this out real quick. Okay. Okay. Let's see. What's next? How do you tell if it's depression with a capital D or just an off day? Let me preface this by saying that I regularly see a therapist and a GP for mental health issues already. Good for you. After 10 plus years of struggling with recurrent periods of moderate depression, I have only recently realized that not everybody feels this way. Props to my therapist for that one. Previously, I'd assumed that everyone else felt as crappy as I do, but they were just better at dealing with it than I am. which obviously didn't help the negative self-talk. Beautiful, so insightful, right?

So, like, this is what the depressed mind tells you. Oh, everyone feels this way. They're just better at it than I am. I just suck more than they do. That's, so you see that how this person pointed out the self-talk right away? They caught it. Really good. So recently, I have accepted that, wow, I probably have clinical depression.

I say probably because I've never asked about a diagnosis. It's not needed for insurance or any other reason where I'm, I live, but I suspect my GP would agree and slap a label on if I asked. I've been working on being kinder to myself when depressive episodes hit, e.g. focusing on self-care, not berating myself for being unproductive, which is going okay when I'm in a really bad place, as it's easy to recognize capital D depression, when I'm so tired and sad that I can't get off the couch for hours at a time. But the block I've hit is what to do when it's a milder period. I'm a little sad, low-level tired all the time, having a harder time focusing,

but it's not bad enough to justify being a useless sad couch cocoon all day. My internal dialogue is confused when this happens. I know that I should try to be kind to myself, but I don't think that writing off the entire day to self-care is the best option, partly because these mildly depressed days are fairly common, and partly because committing to not really getting anything done on a given day easily snowballs into two, three, four, et cetera days, for me, that can lead to a more intense, depressive episode. Okay. So how do I tell if I'm just having a bit of an off day and need to push myself a bit to get work done? At what point do I call it and just stop even trying to work because I'm not getting anything done anyway and continuing

to try is just making me more frustrated and angry with myself? It's easy to make the call when I'm really depressed, but it's a lot harder to gauge. when I have milder symptoms that for most people could just be classified as an off day. Note that I'm a grad student working from home right now. I have quite a lot of flexibility in my working hours as long as I continue to make progress in my research. My supervisor is happy and I don't have set hours.

This is something that I'm actively discussing with my therapist. I was just wondering if anyone here could relate and has any suggestions or insights. Okay. Love this case. Brilliant. Okay. So first of all, is doing the right thing. Okay. Talking to your therapist about it is the right move. So, you know how this person was saying that I didn't realize that other people didn't feel this way? I thought this was normal. I had no idea. So I'm going to toss out something. And really interesting

analysis of this situation, sometimes this is what getting better from depression actually looks like. So let's actually look at this for a second. Okay, so the person used to be very depressed. Would snowball into five days. So the question, I know it sounds really bizarre, but as severe clinical depression starts to get better, what does it look like? Right?

So instead of losing five days, you have one off day. And you're not quite sure, is this the real depression with a capital D or is this not? So this is sometimes what clinical clinical improvement can look like. Okay. So remember that depression is not binary. It's not like capital D and little D. Depression is not, is, is like a, you know, it's a spectrum. So there's severe depression. There's moderate depression. There's mild depression. And as we start to actually get better, right? So as you've started to reduce the negative self-talk, as you've started to force

yourself to work when you don't feel like it. As all of those things start to happen, the severity of your clinical depression is going decrease. And so this is a sign that you're doing things right because now you're not as sick as you used to be. And so now this gets kind of confusing because you're like, well, like, am I actually depressed or am I not depressed? You're like, you probably have milder manifestations of depression that are still like occurring.

So this is where I'd say, you know, there are a couple of other important things to remember. So remember that clinical depression is an episodic illness that lasts anywhere from a few weeks to up to a year. And during the episode, you can have fluctuation of symptoms in between. So what I'm hearing from this situation is that you are actually in, or like if this person walked into my office, the way that I would understand this, like with just this scenario, and there's a lot more that needs to go into making a clinical diagnosis, is that there is an active episode that is being held at bay by your significant efforts. Because this person even says, if I stop doing it, it can snowball very easily. So this is the kind of thing where it's like, my boat was leaky, very leaky,

had a bunch of holes and it was sinking actively. And I patched up some of the holes. There are still some small holes left. Now I don't have to panic anymore, but I still have to empty water out of a bucket. It's not like a gigantic terror situation, but I still have to do some work. If I stop bailing water, my boat starts to sink again. What's going on here? Is it good or is it bad?

Is it real depression? Is it not real depression? This really sounds to me like a situation where there may be an active depressive episode that is still ongoing, which due to the effort that you're putting in is reducing the severity of your symptoms. So I would say, absolutely keep doing what you're doing. Talk to your therapist about it. And then kind of like, be aware that every day that you give into it, you know, like, it may snowball.

But, and I know it's frustrating. I know it's hard to like pull yourself out of it. Or, you know, try because you can't like pull yourself out of it. Like, I know it's like you're, it sounds to me like you're getting exhausted because you're still like working. But like, I know it sounds kind of weird. But I think that the effort that you're putting in is the reason that you continue to have mild depressive days from here to here, like every now and then, like, you know, mild depressive day here, mild depressive day there, not as bad. And that's because of all the work that you're

putting in. And each one of those days when you feel a little bit frustrated because you're like, I'm not sure if this is real. I'm not sure if I'm doing it right. It's not exactly getting better. What I want you to realize is every day that you don't give into it makes one day the next week better, makes another day two weeks from now better. So this is really, it's a really good illustration of what dealing with depression actually looks like. It's really severe and very noticeable. And as it starts to get better, as it starts to get milder, you start scratching your head and you're like, is this clinical? Is it depression with a big D? Not a big D? And the more that you work at it, hopefully over time, those days will happen less often. So they'll reduce in frequency, severity,

and duration. So good luck to you. Does that make sense, chat? Yeah. So, you know, I saw something the other day on A couple months ago that was kind of talking about how, you know, people make fun of people with small penises and it's something that I've been guilty of. You know, I'll crack jokes about things like micropenus. I've stopped doing that because I realize that that's actually pretty judgmental and insensitive. So I apologize for doing that. So big D, little D, whatever. It's all good. Okay. So Jay Bebbs is asking you don't recommend meds.

I do not recommend medications to people on the internet who, I have not met. Sometimes I will recommend medication to people that I've done a thorough clinical evaluation on and then I'm actually like have a diagnosis. Right? Okay. All right. Let me look at this last one. Okay. So this is something that was posted on Reddit. So it's on Reddit. Okay. So we're going to watch this real quick. This is posted three hours ago. I'm not quite sure what we're doing. Okay. Let's see what this is.

I'd like to thank my beautiful mother and father, and I would like to thank the following fact. Mr. Husman, Mrs. Adelondo, Mrs. Corino-Owendoza, Mr. Corrine, Mr. Novi de la Rosa, Mr. Justin Peña, and Mr. Donald Alexander. Lastly, I would like to give a huge thanks to the founder of Health Camer, Eugene, Dr. Alok,

Canogia, and his wife, Kutti Kanulia also, for making my life on the moment. Muted. Muted. Oh, God. Chat. When will I ever learn?

Technical difficulties. So look, you know, I appreciate the shout out, whoever you are. We're not going to do our best, not the doxy there, but, you know, you posted on the Reddits. So you're very welcome, whoever you are. And I'm happy that I've been, you know, a tiny part in your journey. I'm sure it was small. speaking of small D but you know I think like we're all I mean so we're here to help and don't ever

underestimate like we can have a you know we can help you for sure like you know I don't doubt that I've been helpful to people but at the end of the day like the person who fixes your life is you right like the person who what said said what um so anyway so the person who fixes your life is you right so we can like I can equip you with the tools. Like, you can watch me from time to time, sure. But at the end of the day, it's your effort that is going to determine how far you go. It's your effort that is going to, like, you know, this person got top 10% at their high school, which is awesome. So if you got top 10% then like, good job, right? So I mean, you can thank me and I appreciate that the shout out. I really do.

But don't for a second to underestimate that like if you got top 10% at your high school, like that takes four years of hard work. So I'm happy that I helped and I'm happy to take some credit. But you just keep on being awesome, whoever you are. Right? College, Inc. College Debt, Inc. Maybe not for this person, though, because maybe they got a scholarship.

Okay. So that was our last thing. So shall we meditate? Any questions, chat? How are you feeling? Meditation. Okay. Okay.

let's do yeah let's do a we should try to do like a narc parent stream that's a good idea I'd love to talk about narcissistic parents I think the only challenge is that you know I don't know if we have enough time right now to really do it justice so I think it's a good idea

to like have someone come on and you know potentially talk about narcissistic parents or what their experiences were I think that's that feels good to me in terms of supporting people and educating people but we'll meditate. Deenlargement meditation. Okay.

So can narcissism be cured? Absolutely. Absolutely. Most problems with the ego can be cured. Let's do meditation. So I'm going to teach you guys a meditation that involves chakras. Okay? So this is a little bit more of an esoterrority.

technique. So, you know, we tend to do the same meditation over and over and over again on stream. So I'm going to actually, like, that's good because we get a lot of new people and stuff like that. And so it's cool. So everyone can join in. But today I'm going to teach you guys a more advanced technique that's part of a three-part chakra cleansing meditation technique that's relatively safe and benign. A couple of things to remember just in general about meditation. So the first is don't do anything that feels painful, dangerous, or uncomfortable to you. There are case reports of meditation-induced psychosis. So that tends to happen with people who are doing extreme forms of meditation or who are doing

stressed in other ways, shapes, or forms. But there are actually safety concerns around meditation. They tend to be exceedingly rare in like pretty significant circumstances. Sometimes like if there's a lot of substance use, you can get meditation-induced psychosis. People who are, you know, there's one case report of like someone, you know, who is like doing tons of energy. healing and things like that. So as long as you practice in sort of a moderate way, it should be relatively safe. At the same time, if you guys have any kinds of weird sensations or things like that, go see a licensed mental health professional, go see your doctor about it, you know,

things like that. So what we're going to do is start to do a chakra kind of cleansing meditation, which involves like a chakra rotation with awareness. So what I want all to do is sit up straight. Hold on, I got to like calibrate myself because I've been talking for like two hours. Just one second. So what we're going to do is actually go through six of our seven jacras and like move our attention to each of these points. Okay. So what we're going to do is as I breathe in, I'm going to pay attention to seven points on the front of my body. Sorry, six.

So we're going to focus on the eyebrow center. We're going to focus on the base of the throat. We're going to focus kind of on our solar plexus or the center of our chest. We're going to focus on our navel. We're going to focus on the top of our pubis. If you guys kind of know what that is. You know, I'm trying to figure out how to say this in like a medical way. But like if you think about if you're a, you know, there's a the top of your basically like genital region like at the base of the penis.

you know, it's sort of like the region that, let me think about this. For a lot of people, it's sort of like the center of the pubic hair near their genitalia. That's going to be like the top of the pubic synthesis. Let me think is at the top. Yeah, sort of the top of the pubic synthesis, if you guys know what that is. It's like the top of your pubic bone. And then the last region is the taint. Or the area for men that were the halfway between the,

the scrotum and the anus. So it's the perineum. So what we're going to do is focus on those six spots on the front of our body. Okay? I know penises and things like that. Oh, my God. So what I'm going to do is as I breathe in, I'm going to start up here. And then over the course of the breath, I'm going to move from here to here to solar praxis to navel to the base of the pubic synthesis and then to the perineum.

Okay. No, it's not just for men. It's just, you know, it's that region. So like the halfway for women, I think it's actually the Mooladharah chakra may be situated basically where the G-spot is. I wonder if that maps on. I'm not 100% sure. I'll get back to y'all.

Yeah, definitely. So. So those are the six regions that we're going to focus on, okay? Yeah, so so the G spot, I think, generally speaking, is the anterior wall of the vagina. So it's like the front portion on the inside. Okay. Can we seriously do this? Like, don't, don't worry.

Dr. Kay's guy into the magic. No, we're not, it's not sexual, chat. It's just like I'm trying to figure out how to localize and explain, like, where these things are, okay? So let's get ready. So remember, we're going to do third eye, base of the throat, solar plexus, navel, top of the pubic bone, and then perineum. Okay? So, and then what we're going to do is as I breathe in, I'm going to go all the way down and put my attention on each of those over the course of the breath. And as I breathe out, I'm going to work my way back.

Okay. So let's go ahead and practice five breaths. So take a deep breath in. Go slow and pay attention to the eyebrow center, base of the throat, solar plexus, navel, top of the pubic bone, and perineum. And as you breathe out, start at the perineum, work your way up to the pubic bone, to the navel, the solar plexus, the base of the throat. And as you finish your exhalation, focus on your eyebrow center. That completes one round. And now let's do it again. So breathe in and then follow along.

Eyebrow center, base of the throat, solar plexus, navel, pubic bone, perineum. Exhale, perineum, pubic bone, navel, solar plexus, base of the throat, eyebrow center. Now we're going to do a third round that I'll guide you all through, and then we'll move to silent practice. So slow, deep breath in, eyebrow center, base of the throat, solar plexus, navel, pubic bone, perineum. Perineum, pubic bone, navel, solar plexus,

face of the throat, and the eyebrow center. So now what we're going to do is just practice that meditation on your own, rotating from the top of your body back down to the bottom, and then on the exhale doing the reverse, and we'll practice for about 60 seconds. What is Chad even doing? Are you meditating? Let me ask you a question, chat. Is the term porn star, is that, like, offensive?

because I've noticed that when I actually like converse with people who are in the adult film industry, they like, they call it adult film. They don't call it, they don't identify as porn stars, you know? Right, so. Okay. So what was that practice like? Questions from people?

Okay. So, okay, so. So let's go through a lot of these things, okay? The first is some people are saying, my lungs are too small. I couldn't breathe. Oh my God. Felt short of air. Chat.

This is the first part of an advanced meditation practice that has even more advanced meditation practices. Why do you all think I teach the basic stuff over and over and over again? I guess I should have done it. It's really my fault because I should have explained this better. So for the next week, the things that I'm doing, they're going to work way better if you've been doing some kind of meditation consistently, like over time.

Okay, so do alternate nostril breathing, do Nadi should be something like that, start to do ohm chanting. Like, I want you guys to develop 15 minutes, 20 minutes of meditation a day if you guys want to do the meditations that I'm going to be teaching you guys over the next three weeks. You guys got to start meditating like seriously now. Your lung capacity and things like that, like those need to be prepped up through the stuff we usually teach. Oam chanting, alternate nostril breathing.

20 minutes a day. you guys need to do that stuff. Otherwise, you won't be able to do this practice. It's going to require a certain amount of lung capacity for you to be able to do this. Okay, that's number one. Number two, what on earth is a chakra? Excellent question.

So in the eastern system of karmic religions, they believe in something called chi or prana, which is vital life energy. There is no scientific evidence that chi or prana exists. People have looked for it for many, many years, have been unable to find it. So in the east, they believe that we have this vital life energy that flows through our body throughout particular channels, meridians or noughties.

Nadi means river or channel. When the flow of that energy is disrupted in some way, we become ill. And when the flow of that energy is like opened up in a very, like, positive way and it's flowing very well, we start to excel in particular capacities. And so the chakras are sort of like the major crosspoints or crossroads or gates through which this energy flows. Once again, no scientific evidence that any of this stuff exists. However, it is fascinating from a medical and scientific standpoint that the practices that are designed based on these principles clinically outperform purely physical practices.

So if you look at things like yoga and Tai Chi, if you assume that the only thing that exists is the body, we would assume that yoga or Tai Chi would be equivalent to exercise because it's just all moving the body, right? But it turns out that yoga and Tai Chi actually have clinical superiority to traditional exercise when it comes to some clinical improvement. And so the question is, what's responsible for this scientifically observatory? difference. It's unclear whether Chi actually exists, but I think they captured something.

How can I say this? It's sort of like they were able to capture some principle of reality using this artificial construction of vital life energy. Right? So whether it's real or not, I'm not quite sure, but they were still able to like capture something of reality through that practice. Now, if you guys watch the Dr. Mike stream, it's interesting because Dr. Mike had a couple of interesting pathophysiologic mechanisms through which yoga may be superior to exercise. So those are interesting. So that could be what they captured. So that's what a chakra is. So a chakra is like a gate through which this vital life energy flows. And if we think about spiritual development and the idea of like becoming more spiritually developed over time, which

means being happier, potentially being more knowledgeable, being less caught up in the world, like enjoying things more. That, all of those kinds of things are associated with doing these kinds of jukkah practices. And sometimes when I, when I go hardcore down the cult road, I mean, not really, but when I initiate people into more esoteric meditation practices, sometimes I'll work with someone who has a particular goal. So they'll say, like, I want to understand this, or I want to affect political change in the world. Or, I want to, I want to learn how to digest my trauma. So for those kinds of things,

I'll give people particular chakra-oriented practices, which in a clinical and anecdotal, but not in a scientifically trial-verified way, seem to be quite effective. So I get good clinical and anecdotal responses from this. And the science is really not there yet, but there is one trial that looks at anahat chakra or heart chakra meditations, specifically for depression,

that appears to be superior to, other forms of mindfulness. So hopefully over the next decade, two decades, three decades, we'll start to study whether these things that appear to have clinical value actually pan out when you apply them to populations. But the research just isn't there yet. You guys have to understand that meditation is a tradition that's at a minimum 4,000 years old. And we've only started studying it like over the past 50 years. So there's a lot of like research that we essentially have to catch up on. Okay? Is that enough of an introduction? Chat? Yeah. So when people say you should study this, yeah, we're like, that's why we have a research division. Like, we're doing

three to four studies right now. And like, thanks to the $39,202.62 that you all have donated, that LSF is donated, we can fund more research. Right. So I'd love to do that. I think we're going to do other trials first, but, because it's hard. Like this one, we have to, you know, this meditation trial is really interesting. I'd love to do it. But we may need like a more brick and mortar kind of situation where like, I'd love to do a trial like if we actually do have, you know, like a cult compound to make the cultists are research subjects. But it's hard to do meditation trials like over the internet, right? So generally speaking, the system through which meditation trials are done or that people like, you know, we'll do them at places like Massachusetts General Hospital, like at McLean Hospital.

Like we'll do, because you have to like the place and you do the meditation at the hospital, and that's how they know that the intervention gets done. Do I believe in crystals? Crystals exist. Do I think they're a reliable source of healing energy? No. Right? Like the data is just not there.

The last thing that I'll share is. This is in Dr. K's guides too. So I have a section on complement. to alternative medicine. And I share my thoughts about like what works for depression and anxiety. So did you guys know

that 15.7% of seizures are actually linked to essential oil usage? 15.7% of seizures may be related to exposure to essential oils. It's crazy, chat.

I kid you not. You guys don't believe me? Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. So when I make recommendations for alternative medicine, so some people are like, you know, Ayurveda's not real. Like, what's up with this? So here's the thing to understand. For all the stuff that I teach you guys, I've learned 10 things. So I'm a certified crystal healer.

I'm a certified Reiki healer. I'm a yoga teacher. I'm a meditation teacher. I've studied Ayurveda. I've studied Bach Flower Remedies, which is using the healing power of flowers. I'm a certified flower therapist. Great, right? And so what are you? I actually share with you guys, it's the stuff that I think has like good scientific support for it, or has enough basic science or clinical science or even theoretical background to where like it works. So in the case of Ayurveda, there is a lot of science that supports that Ayurveda is like successful and is real. But the second thing is that if you look at it from like a history of medicine standpoint, there have been systems of medicine all over the world. I think there's,

something significant. Like, so when one system of medicine gives us mindfulness, I lend more credibility to that system of medicine because the interventions that they give us seem to be very, very successful. So I'll give you guys just two examples. One is like, you know, the Ayurbetic tradition is also the tradition that gave us meditation. So like maybe they knew what they were talking about because when they said meditation is good for you, they sure hit the ball out of the park with that recommendation. The second thing, I'll just use this as a random example. So Chinese medicine, I think there's a lot of cross-pollination between these two systems. So I think that Chinese medicine also gave us statin drugs. Right. So the first line treatment,

evidence-based medical treatment, was developed in China like 3,000 years ago for heart disease in hypercholestrolemia. And so, like, I think when you have these traditions that we're like, oh, by the way, this thing helps prevent heart attacks. And it turns out that we study it. A pharmaceutical company patents it. You know, isolates the compound of this herb, patents it, sells it, markets it, it becomes first line treatment for like heart attacks and hypercholestrelemia.

I think maybe that system of medicine knows what it's talking about. Staten drugs are things like Lipitor or cholesterol. medications. Atorvastatin, simvastatin, things like that. They lower cholesterol, unhealthy cholesterol. Okay, hold on, hold on. Here it is, Chad. You all ready for this? Love this stuff. Okay, one more paper, and then we're out. Let's do a little bit of science today. Oh my God. The effects of various essential oils on epilepsy and acute seizure, a systematic review. I think this is the one. Nope, this isn't the one.

Maybe this is it. I can't find the right paper right now. Let's see if it's this. Okay, so this is not the exact paper, but breakthrough seizures are often encountered in patients with well-controlled epilepsy for no obvious reason. We report a case of breakthrough seizure after temporal lobectomy secondary atopical administration

of essential oils. We recommend inquiring about the use of essential oils and patients with well-controlled epilepsy. So this is not the paper I was looking for, but like it's a case report. I got to find this. I know it's somewhere.

I'll find it for you, chat. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Anyway. Oh my God, there's so many comments. Hold on, chat. Hold on. Ah, so people are curious about the lobectomy. So sometimes when someone has bad seizures, what we'll find is that the seizure starts.

So you guys know what a seizure is? Okay. So a seizure is when you have unregulated electrical activity within the brain. So our brain has this thing where like if there's an electrical impulse, you know, we have one neuron that connects to other neurons. And so like when one neuron triggers, it can, all of the neurons it touches, it can induce an action potential or activity within all of the adjacent neurons. So a lot of times what happens in a seizure is it's unregulated electrical activity in the brain.

And oftentimes seizures have a particular focus where they start. So like there's one part of your brain that's a little bit suss. And it's a little bit scuffed. And like so there's a part of your brain that's like routinely causes is the start of your seizures. And so sometimes what people will do is if nothing else works, they'll actually remove a small piece of your brain. to like deal with the focus of the seizure because if you can find the part that's problematic like you can actually remove it um and so that's why we'll do you know partial lobectomy ah i feel like i should find this paper now i know i had it somewhere let me see hold on okay i'm not going to dig for research

if i couldn't find it there it's definitely there hold on let me let's let's try one okay one more time before dr k quits essential oils causing seizures let's try group scholar sometimes. Yeah. Oh, interesting. No, this is old. I'll find it for you. I'll chat.

I have it somewhere in my list of 600, and I was looking the other day, I have 612 research articles that I've indexed. So it's somewhere in there. No, no, it's not, it's not in my search history. It's not, I have, like, a index of, like, actual scientific papers that is just organized by me. Okay.

So let's, let's raid someone. Who are we rating, chat? Wait, wait, did somebody find it? Epilepsy research. Do we have a hero? Oh, chat. Raxade, my dude, or dudette, whoever you happen to be.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. I think this is it. Chat, bibliography pod. Okay. Essential oil-related seizures. A multi-center prospective study on essential oils and seizures. So this is important because this is a process.

I think this is the paper. It's a multi-center prospective study. So it's not cross-sectional. It's not just a correlation. It's actually like watching people who take these. And I think this is the one. Yeah, here it is. I think this is it.

Dude, someone's the MVP. Who was that? So during the four-year period, they tracked people for four years, chat. Okay, let's look at this study. So we've got to look at the methods and stuff, okay? 55 patients with essential oil-related seizures. 40% had essential oil-induced seizures,

and 60% had essential oil-provoked seizures. I don't know what that is. Milled female ratio is basically one-to-one. Isn't that crazy? Exposure to essential oils of eucalyptus and camphor is an under-recognized cause of the first and breakthrough seizure. Nuts chat. You all get that?

So here's the thing. Science chatars. Like, I'm a big fan of the alternative medicine. Don't get me wrong, but some of it works better than other stuff. The other thing is for a lot of people who don't realize this. So some people will say, like, especially Western scientists. They'll be like, Iravah is all BS. I did a PubMed search, and there's very little. And it's like, oh, you did a PubMed search, huh?

PubMed is like a United States index. I wonder if there are other indexes of research that are done elsewhere in the world. And like maybe there are research websites that index research that's not in the English language. What do you think about that? And then they're like, wait, what? You mean there's research that's out there that's not on PubMed? Yeah, man.

Research happens in other countries besides the United States and Europe. Like, I know, it's shocking. Not everything is indexed here. They actually have their two separate research engines. or research like websites that are run specifically that relate to Iyer Veda. It's crazy. It's shocking. Now, don't get me wrong, a lot of that research is trash, TBH.

But there's a bunch of research out there that is not indexed within things like Google Scholar and stuff like that. So you got to be careful. Just because you don't, not everything is indexed on PubMed. Yeah, you guys want to see a, I don't, let me see. see if I can find it. Yep. I think this is it. This is one. Yeah, here we go. Chat. I love love Indian websites, bro. Check this up. It's like a 1990s GeoCities page. You got to know what GeoCities is? So look at this. This is dope. Okay, what do we want to find? Let's select a medical system. Let's do Ayurveda. And then let's do, see, look,

they even have, like, select a category. Let's Let's do grade A. Let's search for depression. Oh, here we go. Psychological. There we go. Look, grade A evidence. See, look at this.

I don't know why diabetes is indexed to psychological, but, you know, whateves. See, there's like all this stuff. Effects of Boswellia serata gum resin in patients with bronchial asthma. Antioxidant and hypercholesterolemic effects of terminalia or junotry bark powder. See, there's a bunch of bunch of of this stuff. Ayurbedic treatment of obesity. It's like you gotta, you know, I think they seem to think that obesity is a psychological

problem, which is an interesting, interesting, right? So like, full paper and PDF not available. Okay. Let's see. There we go. So there's a bunch of stuff that's actually indexed. I wonder if this is actually, if I've problem at it. Anyway, whatever.

All right. Enough, enough research. which I've Gruthy already got on my case for researching too much on Friday. I don't know if you guys like this stuff. I mean, I feel like we're looking up papers on Twitch. Is that entertaining enough or what? Okay. Like, sometimes I don't know.

Like, I don't know if you guys actually want to look at like foreign language research indexes. Let me send you guys the Aish Research Portal. The website, dude, the website is like a time capsule of the internet. Okay. It's great. It's like if you guys were around back in the day when the internet was born, this is what websites look like. I love it. It's like all that nostalgia. Let's see what pre-clinical, yeah, I mean, it's like that doesn't even, you can click stuff. And like sometimes

it doesn't even work, but, oh, look, they have something for, yeah, okay. Anyway, y'all can check it out. If, you know, let me say this, if you all find a cool, you know, paper that you think is relevant to our community, then go ahead and, you know, post it on, on the subreddit. Like, we can, you know, we can talk about that kind of stuff. I think that'd be cool. Yeah, we had BBSs before that. Dude, I was around in the BBS days. I used to run a BBS and charge money to access it. That was dope. Yeah, you want to link about the Chinese medicine and I may just give you a Wikipedia page, but just look at red yeast rice on Wikipedia. You should be able to find, uh, um, yeah, so go to the part that says red yeast rice and satin drugs. So it was developed from a Chinese,

Chinese herb. Just Wikipedia on red yeast rice and they should have, I mean, then you can like Google it or Google Scholar it and things like that. I started the internet in a manner of speaking. Back in the day when we had dial up connections, you had to dial into another computer to join a BBS.