HealthyGamerGG - Powerless at Work

Episode Date: January 14, 2022

Dr. K Talks about being powerless at work Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, everyone. I'm basically a modern slave. I wanted to tell you guys a little bit about my current work situation. I am working as a pizza delivery driver. I work 13 to 15 hours a day, four to five days per week, making approximately $3.60. That's euro, right? Per hour plus tips. Then they were, when they were hiring, they said, I'll need to work 11 hour shifts plus taking coworkers home after work.

Apparently those few hours cleaning pizza place after the shift driving my coworkers home is not paid. This week I worked for six days per week. The boss called me, in other words, begging me to help them by working, but only this week because two other people left after the new year and one got COVID. I asked if I have a choice. The boss said basically no. I agreed because I thought it's only that one week. Today I find out that next week I'm working six days as well.

That made me quite furious. This last week I felt, I feel like I'm not even living life. I wake up, go to work, get absolutely tired, get back home, sleep, because at that moment, you don't want to do anything else and repeat. I just want to quit so bad. Anyways, just needed a place to vent. I thought about quitting tomorrow. My shift starts in five minutes.

It's going to be a long day. Stay strong, folks, and I'll try to do the same. Okay? So the first thing is that I'm noticing that a lot of people in chat are kind of saying, like, this has to be this location. Oh, this sounds like Portugal. This sounds like France. You know, this sounds like this part.

And I think the truth is that this is happening everywhere, right? So what I'd like to talk to you all about today is like, how do people become modern slaves? Right. So what are the circumstances that lead to this kind of situation where, you know, they're hired under these conditions and even told at the very beginning that like it's going to be 11-hour shifts and they're going to have to take a, coworkers. In some ways, this is even like better than usual because a lot of times during the hiring process, people will say one thing and then they'll force you to do something else. And it's really tough because in these situations, you know, we may look at this and people on the internet will say, just quit, just go find another job. Right? But the truth is that if you're

in this situation of modern slavery, it's not that simple. There's a reason why you wound up here in the first place. And it's not like that this person is like foolish or anything like that. It's not that this person is lazy or foolish or, you know, doesn't know any better or things like that. There are very real circumstances both externally and internally that lead people into the situation. And until we have an appreciation for like how someone gets here and what goes into this situation, then only can we start to really come up with solutions to help people get out of the situation. And so what I'm going to talk a little bit about, today is like, you know, modern slavery. And how do people get into this situation? And more importantly,

like, what are the key dynamics at play? So, for example, what are the power dynamics at play? What kind of like modeling has this person had early in their life? How do they determine what is acceptable or unacceptable? And then other kinds of stuff as well. So, you know, some of this stuff is like, you know, for example, this person is saying those few hours are not paid. And it's like, you know, a lot of people will be like, wait, what? Like, then why are you doing it? How is that legal? That can't be legal.

It may not be legal. The other thing is that, you know, we see other things that happen a lot in working situations. The boss called me begging me to help them work, right? So when a boss begs you, what is going on psychologically when begging is happening? The next thing that happens is I asked if I have a choice and the boss said, basically no. does basically no mean no or is it almost no so if something is almost no or basically no does that what does that actually mean right so this is the kind of thing where like oftentimes in work situations because of power dynamics and and you know boundary setting issues people will use

certain kinds of language and then like we won't really clarify what that means and then what we end up doing, because like I want you all to understand this for a second, when you know, you ask if you have a choice and your boss says basically no, in their mind, are they thinking that you have a choice? Actually kind of yes, right?

Because they sort of like, you're asking if you have a chance? Like, oh, they agreed to it. So a boss can walk out of this interaction believing that the worker agreed to this. Right? So this is the kind of thing that like, you know, there's a lot actually going on here that we can learn from about setting healthy

boundaries, especially in power dynamic situations. That is like really, really important. The last thing is today I found out I'm working six days as well, right? So like in this situation, do you have the power to say no? And then the last thing is that made me quite furious. So when you're at work and you feel something, right? So when your boss is begging me, what do you feel? And when you start to feel quite furious, you feel a certain way. Like, what do you do with those feelings? Right? How do those feelings interact with your boss? How do they interact with your work environment? Essentially, what are the emotional drives that happen within us that create situations like this? And in my overwhelming experience, understanding the emotional drives and understanding the power dynamics

and how to set healthy boundaries has been very, very helpful to people to, like, create, like, good work environments. And this is the kind of thing where when I say create good and work environments, I don't mean just for the employees. So this may sound kind of weird because I know at least the anti-work subreddit is very like anti-employer. But like I want you all to think about this work situation. Like do you think the employer is happy here? They've had two people quit. They've had one person get sick with COVID, maybe because they've had COVID policies that aren't really great. Right. And then like this person is on the verge of quitting. Like this is not a good place, even from an employer's perspective.

So some people may think a lot about, okay, like, you know, this is a predatory workplace, and it absolutely is. But people sort of assume that a predatory workplace is good for the employer, which in my overwhelming experience is not the case. And so this is where understanding some of these things, because like this person, this employer is basically by virtue of crapping on their employees so much, driving their employees away and like pushing themselves out of business. like that's what they're doing. And so the interesting thing is that acknowledging healthy boundaries and sort of like acknowledging emotions at work, you know, being very clear about communication

and not taking advantage of your employees is actually good for the employer too. There's sort of this idea that like, you know, work like that if you're a predatory employer that you're winning, when in my experience overwhelmingly, and I've done consulting at a lot of different companies, the companies that do the best are the ones that have happy employees and like respectful employers. Like when there's respect on both sides, when there's fairness on both sides, that's actually when things end up the best. So let's talk a little bit about modern slavery and how we get here. So I'd say that the biggest thing that leads to modern slavery is unhealthy boundaries. So a lot of times at work, we'll have these situations where bosses will beg us, right? They'll

ask us for favors. And so there'll be like all, like, so this job, for example, has unhealthy boundaries at the get-go. So like, for example, if you were to ask this person, When do you start work? And then the person will say, like, I start work at this time. And when does work end? Well, work sort of ends like when I'm done with my shift. But then I have to clean after and I have to drop people off. Oh, okay, so is that like a part of your job?

And they're like, well, sort of. Do you get paid for it? Well, not really. Then is it a part? I'm confused. Is this like a favor? Is it part of your job? Like, what is that extra uncompensated time?

So work, you know, starts here and goes here and you get compensated here or euro. right? Did I do the Euro symbol right or is that backwards? It's lagging, whatever. And then, and then there's like this extra time over here, which is like uncompensated. So is that a part of your job or is that not a part of your job? So in the United States, if you require someone to do something, generally speaking, you have to pay them for it. There are some exceptions to that, but generally speaking, that's kind of the case. And so, this is lagging again. Okay, whatever. So if that's the case, then what is this? Is this part of your job or is this not part of your job? So the first thing that we kind of realize from the scenario is that they're unhealthy boundaries. So if you're in a situation where it's like a little bit unclear what's a part of your job or what isn't a part of your job, like that's the start of unhealthy boundaries. So what tends to happen if you have unhealthy boundaries is this results in something called job creep. Right? So we see this like especially in programming and stuff where there's like scope creep where if you've got like a project, and then like you're, you know, then someone else wants this feature and then you want this feature.

And then suddenly like the project that was this big, over time becomes this big. And then over time becomes this big. But early on, like you were budgeted for this. And then people get confused when they ask for like, you know, this. And then they ask for this. And then you end up paying more euro. And then like they're super confused. They're like, but, but this was the budget that.

you gave me. So we see this a lot in terms of like when you have developers working with like executives, right? They're like, this is on, you see this a lot even in the gaming industry. But it's like, we want to have customized armor. And it's like, that's going to cost you something, right? And then we end up with all kinds of problems like games being released too early and things like that. So in the same way in a job, oftentimes what we'll see is that there's like, there's going to be some kind of like boundary that is unhealthy or muddy in some way. And then like, as that boundary is nice and loose, like unhealthy employers will cause you to like,

they'll cram stuff into there, right? So the biggest example that we see, which we definitely saw today, was, you know, um, where is this? Yeah. So like,

because two people left after the new year and one got COVID, so like what's happening to this work? So there used to be three additional people at work. And like, where is that work going? It's going into this person, right? So the person who stays is the one who's like getting all that work. And so what tends to happen with employers actually is like this is a common thing that I see is that if you have unhealthy, if you have loose boundaries, if there are two people at work, one of them has loose boundaries and one of them has firm boundaries. The one with the loose boundaries is the

one that keeps on getting more work, right? You're going to keep on getting more and more work packed into your unhealthy boundary because you're the person like at the very beginning and so we see this with this person so the person even when they got hired did not set a firm boundary where like they were told like at the beginning of work that hey you're going to have to do a bunch of work that we're not going to pay you for and the person was like okay and so in doing so they've established a fluid boundary right and once they they've established a fluid boundary then we're like you know it's kind of like open season like oh people quit yeah you're going to need to do this. And then what's going to happen is employers, and this isn't just employers, this is humans.

Okay? So employees will do this with employers as well, by the way. So it's not like one way. So then what's going to happen is, by the way, you got to pick people up, right? So these are bad working conditions. And then we have like these two people over here who have firm boundaries and they quit, right? Because they're like, this is ridiculous. I'm like, I'm not getting paid for this. then you have the one person that stays. So they stay. And then this work goes over here, and then suddenly this person is working six days a week

because of begging. And we'll get to that in a second. And then just this week. But what do we know about this person's boundaries? What are they going to do if we push them? They're going to be like, okay. And then into next week. And then they're going to experience frustration.

Right? But what do they do with their frustration? They post on the internet. They don't go have a conversation with their boss or their employer and say, hey, this is ridiculous. I'm on the verge of quitting. And then what's going to happen is they're going to be get fed up and then they're going to quit. And you may say, like, so the anti-work subreddit, I think is going to be like cheering if this person quits, right?

They're going to be like, yay, like this person quit. Like screw capitalism, screw, stick it to the man, which is totally fine. I mean, I have nothing against, you know, quitting and leaving an unfair employer to figure out their own mess. But I'm concerned about this person because what do you think is going to happen the next time they get a job, right? Are all these boundary issues magically going to be fixed? I don't think so. Right? Next time what's going to happen is maybe they'll find another job where someone's like going to start off because you all see that like this scenario is actually designed to like not end well.

And it's all because of unhealthy boundaries. So then the question is like, you know, what's going on here and what, what, what, contributes to this. So we start with unhealthy boundaries. And what are like how do we like where does this come from? There are a couple of other things here. So one is there's conflict avoidance. This is a huge thing. So if we want to understand how to correct this behavior, we have to understand conflict avoidance. So this person had multiple options to like set a boundary, right? So why don't we set good boundaries? That's kind of the next point. Like, okay, Dr. Kay, you're saying set in good boundaries. Why don't we? Because we're conflict avoidant. So at the job

interview when they're told from the get-go, by the way, you're going to need to work 11-hour days, and you have to drop people off. And then, like, what do you say at that point? Right? Like, why don't you say anything? You're like, oh, okay. And then you ask these questions, like, do I have a choice? And then the person says, basically no. And then it's like, what's going on there? That's all conflict avoidance. So this person is not saying, it has never said to their boss, I don't think that this is fair. right? They've never set a boundary. They've said, I'm happy to work. I'm happy to do whatever you want to, but if this is a job, I expect to be compensated. Like, I'm confused. Are you asking me to volunteer my time? Or is this like paid work? Does this need to be done? And if you're hiring me, like,

why is it my responsibility to arrange for transport? I'm confused. I thought my job was to make pizza. So is this a part of my job description or is this not a part of my job description? Now, I'm not saying that like, you shouldn't, and this is one of the worst things that I think has happened is that the, you know, employers have taken the aspect of team player and abused it so much that it like terrifies me as someone who has both worked in good team player environments and now like the someone who employs people. Like so we love team players. But somewhere along the way, team player started to mean like, we're going to ask you to do a bunch of work and we're not going to compensate you for it. Like that's not what a team player is. Like I don't know if you all have

ever done this, but I've worked in environments where people are team players, and those are awesome environments. Like, what does a team player mean? I still remember, to this day, in the summer of 2014, I was in residency for two months, and I was just so overwhelmed and so overworked. And my, like, colleagues right next to me were equally overwhelmed and equally overworked. And the doctor that was sitting next to me, also in residency for two months, we've been doing it just as long. I have to do something called a prior authorization. which is I have to make a phone call to an insurance company to try to get them to pay for a medication

that one of my patients needs. And usually this is like a 30-minute, like, process where you sit on hold for like 20 minutes. I was just exhausted. And the doctor next to me turns to me and says, you want me to take care of that prior off for you? And I was like, dude, you have too much to do. Like, I can't ask you to this.

And I'm like, seriously, don't worry about it. Like, I'll take care of it for you. And she took care of it for me. And it was like the nicest thing in the world. Like even now, seven years later, I remember that moment. because like it's not like she had a less work than I did. We both had a ton of work.

We're both overworked. But she was a team player in that moment. And so to this day, I've tried my best to repay her, but I don't think I, like, I've never repaid that debt despite my best efforts. So you can absolutely, like, be a team player. Like, I think being a team player is good. Like, the whole point of a corporation, at least in my mind, I mean, maybe it's profit and stuff like that.

But, you know, I think the point is that, like, if you guys have ever worked in environments where you're just all by yourself, like, that's not fun. It's not engaging. The whole point, if we think about, like, AOE healing in this community, the whole point is that we can do stuff together that we can't do on our own. But what's happened in the, like, the capitalistic corporate world is team player has been hijacked, culturally appropriated to be, like, a veil over abusive work practices. And that's ridiculous. So now, like, people are like, oh, we don't want team players. It's like, I don't want to work in any environment where they're team players. Like, what do you want? You want to work in a

cubicle where you're like a peon, like sitting at a computer doing like, that's terrible. Right? So I'm not blaming those people for avoiding the term team player. What I'm blaming is that companies are like starting to use team player as, you know, some license to be predatory and put people into like a slavery like situation. That's ridiculous. But we want to work in teams. Like that's fun. Like it's good to be a team player. Anyway. So if we kind of look at this, what we see here, here is a threat of conflict avoidance. And if we want to understand, you know, why are we conflict avoidant? Then what happens is we need to look at emotional drivers. So this in turn results in emotional drivers. Or not results in is due to emotional drivers. So if we kind of look at this post,

we see a lot of emotions threaded out through here, right? So like when they were hiring, they said, I'll need to work 11-hour shifts plus taking co-home coworkers home after work. apparently those few hours is not paid. So like, what do you imagine this person was feeling in that moment? What do you think that was going through their head? And then now it's like when their boss calls and begs them, like they're begging and forcing, this is really confusing. So the boss called me in other words, begging me to help them because two people left.

I asked if I have a choice and the boss said no. So what's happening here is the boss forcing them or begging them? Because in one situation, the power dynamic is that if I'm begging you, you have all the power. the other situation, if I'm forcing you, you have none of the power. So there's a weird power dynamics crap going on. There's weird emotional drivers going on. And then you feel furious. And what do you do with that fury? Do you talk to your boss about it? No. You just either take it. You just keep taking it, right? Or what you do is you just like reach your limit and you quit, which is what this person has managed to like, this is the work environment they managed to create. They've not created a work

environment where people feel comfortable coming to their boss and sharing with them like what their concerns are, which is crucial. It's critical. Right. So all of the good environments that I've worked in have systems of feedback where like people can go to the, you know, their superiors and they can say, hey, I'm unhappy with this. And it's not like the superior listens to you 100%. They're not going to make changes. Like, for example, you know, residents in the United States are like criminally underpaid, but we have no negotiating power. And even my boss doesn't really have my negotiating power there because they have to answer to like a whole like systemic industry of predatory work and for medical residents but that's neither here nor there so right so I'm like

that's not my boss's fault like they're going to advocate and do what they can and they're like they honestly are trying to make things better they're happy to work there they want to be a team player they want to support us we want to support them and it's awesome like I still that to this day literally this morning I texted my former boss because they're an awesome person and I have like really good relationship with them. And so what are these emotional drivers? Okay, so let's like start to look at a couple of common emotional drivers. So I'll give you guys an example of how emotional drivers result in poor boundaries.

Okay? So let's use an example first. So let's say I'm afraid of loneliness. And then I start hanging out with some friends. And then one of them makes fun of me. What do I do? right? I'm afraid of loneliness. What do I do? What do you all think? You laugh it off, right? Ha ha ha ha ha. You're so funny when you call me an idiot. Hac ha ha ha. Ignore it. Right? So then what does that, what kind of behavior does that reinforce?

So then someone else, a different friend. Friend, number two. Makes fun of you. the next day. Right? And then what do you do? Well, like, you're kind of weird. Right? And then you kind of like,

ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Laugh it off. Lulls? Yeah, you're right. I'm so insignificant of a human being. And now since you're afraid of loneliness, like you kind of tolerate this behavior,

and then the group sort of learns. They're like, oh, cool. So this person is the butt of the jokes. great we needed someone to beat up on when we're feeling bad about ourselves fantastic and so you become the butt of the jokes

and now you know you're the butt of the jokes like it's become a thing like the whole group is like this is the person like you know and it starts off is like oh wow this person's awesome they can take a joke but like over time it grows and they push that boundary

and they start making fun of you and then like you end up in these situations where your friends like actually actively bully you but then why do you stay? Because you're afraid of loneliness. Because if I tell them, hey, that's not funny, this person will dislike me.

If they dislike me, they will not invite me to their house. If they don't invite me to their house and they invite all of my other friends, I will be alone. So it's like, I have a choice. Either I can hang out with these people have some fun and be the butt of the jokes,

or I can be a loser. Like, I can be a loser at home on my own or I can be a loser with them, but still have friends and not be like as much of a loser. Right? So this is just an example of how an emotional drive actually leads to unhealthy boundaries. So does this happen at work? And absolutely, right?

So like, let's think about a couple of different things that happen. So people are reluctant to ask for stuff. Why are we reluctant to ask for stuff? Because we don't want to be perceived as greedy. Right? So who's greedy? the corporation or the employee? Like, we don't want to be like them.

Like, we demonize greed. Like, even right now, within the NTWRQ subreddit, we are demonizing greed. And what are we doing by demonizing greed? We're saying, oh, these corporations are so evil and greedy.

And, like, in a bizarre way, we're actually, like, we're labeling this thing as greedy, which I'm with, but then what's going to happen is, like, subconsciously, we're actually, like, at the same time,

making employees feel greedy for doing things like asking for raises or just compensation or things like that. So this is a huge thing. I don't want my boss to think I'm greedy. Okay? Huge emotional driver. It's emotional driver number one.

Emotional driver number two. So when people, when it comes to time for like promotion and things like that, people have difficulty advocating for themselves in a work environment, right? So they have like difficulty advocating for what they're worth. And why is that? It's because I don't want to be perceived as a show-off. right so like if you crush let's say you've got some kind of contract and you do a really good job

and then like you don't want to be perceived as a show off so you don't like really advocate for yourself you don't really let your boss know you don't let other people know because there's someone else at work who's always talking about how awesome they are and you don't want to be like that person so you don't want to be perceived as a show off so you don't share your accomplishments right and then what happens then your colleague gets promoted and then what do you do you mauled. Right? And then you start talking about

how biased and evil your bosses. Oh my God, they're so biased. See this all the time. Which may be true, right? So we're not saying, and this is the problem with echo chambers on the internet, is that, like,

someone will post this, but, like, no one will ever say, like, do you advocate for yourself? Right? I'm not saying that, that these predatory workplaces don't exist. I'm not saying that these employers are behaving properly. But what I'm saying is that, like, in this scenario, and what we tend to focus on is you?

So what are the emotional drivers at play that force you into situations that are unhealthy for you and actually happen to be unhealthy for the employer? Generally speaking, I believe. Maybe I'm wrong there. I'm not an expert in business. Okay?

So you don't want to be perceived as a show-off. Now, there's other kinds of weird things as well, right? So, like, you get guilt tripped. So, like, you want to be a team player. Like, and so this is where the guilt tripping comes in. This isn't just employers, right? This is like, you have to be careful about the emotional driver of not feeling like an asshole. Because that's a really powerful driver because you don't think of yourself as the asshole, right?

The boss is the asshole. The corporation is the asshole. I'm not the asshole. Therefore, if your boss comes to you and begs you, and by the way, we see this one, two punch all the way and all the time in unhealthy environment. that one-two punch is guilt plus forcing. And it's not just unhealthy work environments. It's also like abusive relationships. So if you have like a narcissistic parent or family member or things like that,

they will both force you and guilt you like at the same time. So I've seen parents that will do things like guilt their kid into coming home for the holidays. And then like there's the care. It's not even the carrot. It's like one kind of stick and another kind of stick. And by the way, if you don't come home for the holidays, I'm not going to pay for your college anymore. asshole. And then you're like, and I'm so lonely. Like, I've done so much for you. I'm paying for your

college. And if you're not going to like come home for the holidays, like I can't believe I do so much for you. Like, I can't believe that you wouldn't even come home. Like, don't you realize how like alone I am? Like, I've done everything for you. I've sacrificed for you. And how dare you try to have a life outside of me? And by the way, if you're not going to like, you know, sacrifice for me, like, if your friends are more important to you than I am, then maybe I have other things. that are more important to me than you are. Right? It's like there's this weird one-two punch

of begging you to take these extra shifts and forcing you to do so. So watch out for the emotional driver of guilt trip. Right? And like you're not being an asshole by setting a limit to someone. It certainly feels that way. But beware of that emotional driver.

Okay? Next thing. So the hidden tracking, I don't know what to call this, of rays versus fire. So internally, we have this weird little complex that is always trying to figure out, are we going to get rays, are we going to get raised, are we going to get promoted, or are we going to get fired? Because no one ever like keeps score, right?

Like, the score is not captorily above board. Like, you don't know when you have strikes, you don't know when you have checkmarks. So let's say let, you know, there's three check marks. in order to get arrays, we need three check marks. Right? And then in order to get fire, we need three Xs. But no one ever tells you which of these you have and which of these you don't have. So there's just this guessing game going on.

So this is all like behind, you know, you can't see what's going on here. So a lot of times in these particular situations, like if we go back to this example where the person is saying, they're told in the interview, by the way, you have to work 11 hour day. and there's a bunch of unpaid work after that you have to do. What this person is thinking is that this is like a subtle test, right? There's a check market play. Like, if I set a boundary or even ask a question, this person is going to think, oh, my God, I'm not a team player.

And then I will be one step closer to not being hired or being fired or not getting promoted, right? Because we all want approval. And then similarly, for each of these different things that this person is being asked to do, drive people home, you know, come in six days a week. What they're thinking in their mind is like, is this going to move me towards promotion? And what's really devastating for people is that they will do all kinds of stuff gunning for promotion. Right?

But since it's all opaque, they actually don't know. They're like, I'm going to make this sacrifice. Sacrifice one. And then sacrifice two. And then sacrifice three. But like, since I don't want to be perceived as a show off, I'm sort of, quietly making these sacrifices and not really like advertising it because I don't want to seem greedy. And then when promotion time comes around, someone else gets promoted. And then you feel

resentful or frustrated. And this is where the journey ends. So now what do you do with this resentment and frustration? You tend to quit or swallow it and keep going. What people don't do is like share some kind of feedback with their boss, right? We don't. go up to our boss and we don't say, hey, by the way, I've been working really hard, and I've been actually going the extra mile and being a team player. And I'm like, I don't understand why this person was promoted because based on my experience, I actually work way more than they do. Right?

So we don't say things like that. We don't air things out to our boss. Now, that doesn't mean that maybe that person is doing all kinds of stuff so that you're not aware of. That is the reason that they got promoted. But I think it's completely reasonable to share that kind of stuff with your boss. The key thing here, though, is that, you know, until you start acknowledging these emotional drivers that drive these unhealthy boundaries and put you in situations that are predatory, this kind of thing is going to keep happening. You can keep job hunting and should you quit this kind of job? Like, absolutely, right?

So there's like, I think you should quit and try to go find another job by all means. But be careful because the next time around, when you're in one of these jobs and someone tries to push a boundary, like, it's okay to do things outside of your role. like even now, today I do things that are outside of my role. You know, we have like, that's actually pretty normal for like a pretty healthy functioning workplace. But over time, what you want is like some amount of compensation for that, acknowledgement of that or like, you know, how we do things at AGG is like someone does something outside of their role and they do it for a while and they're like, you know, this is actually really

frustrating. We're like, okay, so it sounds like we really need to hire a person to take that off of your plate so that you can focus on your job. That's how it should go at a company. Right? And so this kind of thing is happening all the time. And if we don't want to fall into this trap of modern slavery, it really comes with setting healthy boundaries. Setting healthy boundaries in turn has to do with understanding why we don't set healthy boundaries. So there may be some degree of power dynamics at play, but a big part of it tends to be conflict avoidance. And especially the conflict avoidance that you're concerned about has to be. do with emotional drivers and those being, you know, wanting to be perceived as a certain way. You don't want to be perceived as greedy. You don't want to be a show off. You want to be a team player. You don't want to like feel guilty, right? So the avoidance of that feeling of guilt

results in you making a sacrifice. And if you're in an unhealthy work environment, your employer's not going to recognize that and not acknowledge it or, you know, won't promote you or something. I mean, hopefully at least there's an acknowledgement of some kind. You know, and sometimes the acknowledgement is like ridiculous. So like I remember hearing during the pandemic, you know, some CEO of a hospital system got a $16 million bonus. And all of the residents in that same hospital system got a thank you cap. They got a hat. And it's like one guy's making $16 million in the residents who are like on the front lines taking care of patients are getting caps.

This is ridiculous. Right? So, and then a couple of other things to keep in mind are that in your mind, be aware of what, if you're keeping this hidden tracker of am I on track for a promotion or am I on track to get fired? And like, how much does that fear of not getting promoted or striving to be promoted or, you know, not getting fired? how much does that influence whether you let other people cross your boundaries? And then lastly, as you start to build up negative emotions from the result of numbers one through four, you're going to end up with resentment and frustration. How do you manage that resentment and frustration?

Do you just let it build up and quit? Do you offer feedback to your boss and say, hey, this is not really working for me or I'm very unhappy here? What do you think is going to happen? Or do you swallow it and keep going? because generally speaking, the two things that people do is this and this, whereas what they should be doing is have a conversation. This is where you may say, but if I have a conversation like nothing is going to change, and that's where, like, now hold on a second. I think you got to be careful there because it's possible that nothing may change.

You may be at a work environment where people are completely unresponsive to your feedback, and they don't care what you think. And in that case, you should absolutely quit. And people may say, okay, if I quit, how do I find a different job? This is what you say when you go into your next job. You all ready for it? You guys want to get a good job? out of the situation, how you turn the situation into a good job? Here it is. Hi, my name is Mad for Money. I'm a dedicated hard worker and I'm a team player. Why did I leave my last job? So I started out working 11 hour days and then I found out that, you know, people need to transport two and four from work. So I actually went ahead and did that. And then a couple people quit and my boss asked me to like lift more and I was actually happy to do that.

So for one week, I started working six days a week, 11-hour shifts. I'm a dedicated worker. I'm a team player. And the boss started making that regular. And I wasn't comfortable with that. So I'm happy to be a team player. I'm happy to be a hard worker. I'm happy to go to the extra mile.

But I'm looking for a place that will reward that kind of behavior instead of take advantage of it. And that's why I left my last employer. And then you can ask them, set boundaries then and there. How do you treat employees who, go the extra mile. Do they get compensated more? Do they get promoted more? Do they get raises? Or do they get treated the same? You can ask them. And then like, this is an interview, right? It's not just one way. Because when you come into that office, like, that you're an employee

that people want, right? Like, you're someone that they want. Like, you want someone who's going to go the extra mile. And so you're interviewing them, too. And so you can say, like, if I go the extra mile, like, how have you rewarded employees in the past? And this is when the employer starts shitting themselves. Because if they haven't done that, they're, well, like, we've done this and this. Okay. Right. But I can guarantee you this. Like, I guess I can't guarantee it. But they're not going to walk out of that interview thinking you're underqualified and a pushover. Does that make sense? Like, they may think you're an asshole. They may think you're hard to work with. But you've demonstrated that you can say, like, look, I'm a hard worker. I just.

want to be fairly compensated. Like, that's all. You know, and I'm happy to go the extra mile, but, like, I expect, you know, like, I don't want to be in a place where people are going to take advantage of that. I want to be in a place where people reward that kind of behavior. So that's like, you have to be careful about your phrasing, right? So you don't want to, like, go too far down the every extra, every extra minute that I work, I want one cent extra. So that kind of thing, I don't think is generally speaking what employers want. But absolutely sort of pointing out that you're someone who's looking to be like rewarded for going the extra mile is like fantastic. Right? So yeah. And this is where people are like kind of commenting, oh,

like no one wants to work. Like no, people actually want to work. Do you guys get that? This is the biggest this is the biggest problem right now is that people are like getting confused. Employers are getting confused. People want to work. People want to do things with meaning. Right? They like want to be productive. Like humans like being productive. They just don't want to be taken advantage of for working. that's all right there's not a labor shortage there's a wage shortage like you're working you're getting three euro and 60 3.6 euro per hour of work plus tips and you're doing all this extra work and like this is what's going to happen you're going to burn through all of your good employers employees if you're an employer like that and there are good places to work like those places exist

last time i checked actually google was one of those places you know you don't hear like here's like the two opposite ends of the spectrum, right? Some places you have like this where people are working a lot. Google's like, we're going to keep our office open 24 hours a day. You can commute if you want to. You cannot come if you don't want to. By the way, we want you in the office because we've noticed that like maybe it's good if you're in the office.

So we're going to give you a bunch of free good food. There's going to be a chef that you can, you know, they'll fix you what you want. Here's our menu. Like we're going to try to make your work. There's a gym here. So we want you to like take care of yourself and we're actually willing to put our money where our mouth is. So instead of saying, yeah, like, we're a company that values employee wellness, right? Google's like, we'll give you a gym and a chef. You know, it's,

so, you know, I think that this is the kind of situation where, like, I think this is good. Like, I think it's healthy because all these sort of basically unsustainable, non-survivial of the fittest kind of like employers are going to go bust, right? And like, they're not, they're not entitled to exist. Like, if we're talking about a free market system, like, employers that can't con enough people are so bad at conning people into jobs, like, and people start quitting, like they should quit.