HealthyGamerGG - Sense of Self-Value ft. xQc

Episode Date: May 12, 2020

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like not have like any chat open and just kind of like go through that because sometimes you know um i don't want to get like affected by what people think or say or sometimes like i feel like when i'm streaming it i get into this like loop or like zone right we're going to get into this flow of things yeah that um i kind of like not have that right now doesn't make sense just so i you you want to be in a flow no i don't like not i mean like um Okay. So I don't want to be like, um, affected by like the mood of like, oh, um, what's chat saying? And it's like, I mean, is that it made me like act different. Like, you know, just, just chill. Close chat, bro. I never look at chat. Exactly. Exactly. It's why it's why it's why, uh, it's why I'm saying that.

Usually when I'm talking to someone, I mean, they require a hundred percent of my attention or I try to give them 100% of my attention. And, and, and, uh, yeah, I mean, I couldn't do what I do if I was having a conversation with like 10,000 people. I'm having a conversation with one person. There just happen to be like 10,000 people watching. Or more in your case. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I get it. Yeah.

So tell me what do you want to talk about today? So you have chat closed or chat is open? Oh, no, he's going. Okay. Should we just turn off stream and troll them and talk for an hour in private? Strait through a stream on and go like, I'm so glad we did this. That was such good content. Yeah.

Chat control us, but we control them too. Yeah. Yeah, we could do it way harder too. Like, I remember Soda one time. I remember he just turned a stream on it. And it was like the opening screen or like the starting soon screen. And he just never went on it. And it was there for like, I don't know, like a couple hours.

and it just turned it off. Yeah. So tell me, what do you want? I think that sounds great, by the way. And what am I calling you, bro? Felix. Felix, okay. Felix or Felix?

Wait, what is feel? Is that a name? Oh, no, I thought you said feel. I've misheard you. Oh, no, Felix or XC either. Okay. Either is good. Felix.

Okay. Yeah. So Felix, what, what, do you want? I'm completely in favor of what you said earlier about just like having a conversation between two people. Oh yeah, exactly. Well, I want to have like some approach with topics more like, you know, just like open or just like a lot of like talk if like some hoop leads us somewhere, go through it. You know, absolutely, man. Sounds awesome. I mean, there's like a couple things that that I have, that I had it, that I like, I've seen on the show. But,

I don't want to, like, redo things that you already, like, talked about too much, you know, make it, like, I don't know. Is that no sense? Yeah. You mean you don't want to talk about something that someone else has talked about? Um, not, not like directly like that. Just, um, like, I've listened some of the advice to like that topic. Does that make sense? Sure.

But so I, I don't think we can redo anything, by the way, because you're a different person. Okay. Right. So, true. So, so. So I think that if I've learned one thing, like, so, you know, let's say I work with 100 people with depression. It's not a script. Right.

Right. Each person's unique. Each person's challenge, even though there's something that we share, there's like something that's unique and different about who we are as people. And that's why, like, you can't watch a conversation with another human being. And then that doesn't apply 100% to you. So I get what you're saying. But I would also say, like, don't. How can I? I almost get a sense of service in the way that you're talking right now.

It's almost like saying, like, we should, like, because you've already talked about this before. So, like, we don't need to talk about it with me. But I'm saying, like, if that's important to you, we should absolutely talk about it. And who the fuck cares about what we've said in the past with other people. So what do you want to talk about, Felix? Well, I had taken notes, like, over the past couple months or whatever, like stuff like, just like generic like issues that I think most consumers like have not like issues but you know like mental challenges yeah um you know stuff like um imposter syndrome stuff like um self sabotage or whatever

okay which is i i think self sabotage like probably one of my um not favorite but like something that i like something that i that you see more often than myself. So tell me in what ways do you sabotage yourself? You know, the analogy I always give is kind of like when you play a game and you get a certain rank, right? That's like really good and you're really proud of yourself. A lot of times, even if I have it and I'm happy with it, I'll feel like if I play a game or two and I'm not good and I'm doing good, I'll feel like I want to lose that rank, right?

Just so I could get it back, just so I can feel like I deserve it. Does that make sense? Yeah. Go ahead. No, go ahead. I feel like I do that with a lot of things. Almost everything I do that, that exact same thing. Or I'll purpose of like destroy a part of something, just so I could build it again,

just so I could feel like I deserve it. Yeah, I think that makes a lot of sense. So it's almost as if you need to gain that. rank to show yourself that you deserve to be there. Yeah. And getting there once isn't enough. It's never enough. So let's think about that.

Why do you think that is? Sounds tiring, by the way. To constantly need to prove your worth. Yeah, it's super tiring. You get set up where you get two different internets, right? and you get it installed to where they're both going in and if one fails

the other one kicks in oh interesting I've never I've never heard of that yeah let me see if I can there we go all right sorry about that so we're back actually you know what

in terms of mindset with I think streamers I've talked to like a crazy amount of streamers about this and I've not I've not found Womerson who disagrees that dropped frames

lag server problems. Internet problems while streaming is one of the most discouraging thing ever. I don't think anything comes close to that. Yeah, so it was interesting. You know, as the internet went out again, because this happened on Friday when we were talking to Pokemon. And like, it was so interesting to feel my reactions,

because at first I was like super, super angry. Because I was like, what the fuck? Yeah. You know, because I, after Friday, I, like, made sure everything is okay, like tested our router,

like everything's fine. We called our ISP, and they were actually doing maintenance in the middle of the afternoon on Friday, which is why it went out. And so then I was like, okay, fine.

So it looks like we're done now, like no more maintenance. And then sure enough. And I can, you know, I can play games for like eight hours and our internet doesn't go out at all. It's like,

lagless and no problem if I'm just hanging out with my friends. But when you're, you know, streaming with one of the biggest, people on Twitch, then suddenly you're in and I was like, get fucked, kid. Yeah, that's so annoying. You can't do anything about it. And so I was just thinking a little bit about, okay,

I can't really do a whole lot about it. So let's just, I decided to get myself some water and, and, um, yeah, fed my kid a bite of egg. Okay, do you have, uh, do you have a kid or, uh, like a lot of them? I have, uh, something between A and a lot. I've got two. Oh, okay. Okay Yes I have like

Think about this I don't know why But yeah Okay But can I see your Your face Yeah you can't see my face on Discord No

Shit this is happening again Okay hold on Hold on Hold on how do we do this Oh yeah yeah Hit the grid view Oh wait yeah you're right Wait I can see your face

Okay Okay Not always my fault Twitch chat. Yeah. Do you like to see yourself while you're streaming? Do I like to see? Yeah, do you have anywhere on your screen that you can see yourself while you're streaming at any given time?

I used to not have that now I do. Okay. So now they changed my layout to where I can see my face on the screen. Why? Do you like that? what do you ask? I I don't like it. I don't like it.

What do you just think about it? It feels disingenuous to what I want to do. What do you want to do? I want to chill and do more like organic stuff. And I feel like sometimes, see myself kind of reminds me, oh man, this is like, this is camera,

this is film, this is whatever. I feel like it's a constant like a brain back all the time, kind of a real thing back like a fishing rod, you know? Yeah. So if I'm hearing you, what I'd say is that what you're really going for is like immersion or almost like a flow state where you're 100% with what you're doing.

Yeah. And when you see yourself on camera, it sort of like reminds you that Felix, like, this is like we're streaming. There are people watching. There's this all this other thing. then you're not, you're not present at the task that you're doing. Yeah.

Yeah, that sounds, that sounds bad. I do a lot of small things here and there and like my, my, I did my setup, my day of life. I feel like to maintain that state. You know, sometimes I like, I try too hard to keep that state. I still do it.

I don't know why, but I still do it. When you say that state, you mean the flow state, like the state of being present? just like stuff with like the way I arrange my things or the way that I go on with my day

like I have problems doing stuff before stream or doing stuff that no that was good doing stuff before stream is really hard I like to like tunnel vision

and I wake up and have one mindset one need one want and I just go on to that and I just follow it along does that make sense And whenever I do something before stream, I feel like I'm somewhere. And then I go to what I want to do, right?

And there's a big like, I'm just kind of in an odd state. And I can always, it always happens, you know? Yeah. It's very predictable. And I always get upset at that. I think it's a bad effect. When you say you get upset, you get upset by not being as clear-headed as if you start right away.

Yeah. I'm like, I feel disconnected and that's not what I want to put out. It's not what I want to be. And I feel like, I don't know. I just don't feel like I'm, you know, worth my own stage or whatever. Does that make sense? It's kind of like. Yes. Like, yeah. There are two things there, okay? So Felix, you let me know which one you want to talk about. One is cognitively and neuroscientifically, why it is easier to produce better. work when you start first thing after you wake up. So this is a concept that's been understood by yogis in India for thousands of years. And there's a Sanskrit phrase, Brahmama Murta, which sort of encapsulates the idea of like starting your day off right. We can talk about that. The second thing, and that's going to be like a little bit more like teaching. The second thing is actually a little bit more subtle and I think maybe a little bit more personal and helpful, which is somewhere along the way, so you said, I don't deserve my own stage. Right?

And this kind of reminds me of what you said earlier about, like, if you get to a certain rank and then you play one or two bad games, you feel like you don't deserve that rank. So you want to get knocked down so you can reaffirm yourself that you deserve to be where you are. And then you want to climb up again. Because when you climb up, then, like, no, you don't take anything for granted, right? like you started at the bottom and then you climbed up so you're like okay yeah Felix deserves this because I just rose through the ranks yeah and then like coasting is is like well maybe I don't really deserve to be here but if you just rise then you're like yeah absolutely because if I didn't deserve to be here then I wouldn't have been

able to climb if I really deserve to be one rank lower then I wouldn't have just won 10 games in row right yeah so the subtle thing there yeah go ahead no you go ahead the subtle thing there that like really blows my mind Felix is like where do you like so if we think think about it, your sense of intrinsic value is not there. You need to climb ranks to assure yourself that you deserve something. So why on earth don't you have an intrinsic sense of like what you deserve? And I don't know that necessarily that you need to even answer that. That's the second topic, right? Like, because if we think about it, you know, if I move through the world and I walk down the street, there's a sense of value that I have that comes from within. And

there's a sense of value that comes from outside. And what I'm noticing in you, when you say phrases like imposter syndrome, or you say things like, I don't deserve the stage, or you say things like self-sabotard, that in my mind tells me that your sense of value internally got like kind of tampered with at some point. Okay. And we can try to figure out why,

because all those things are the same. Does that make sense? Yeah, I think they interact with each other, I feel like. Yeah. So and that just has to come down to like, why don't you think you have value as a person? Like, why don't you think you deserve what you have? Interesting. You know, where does that, where does that come from? Because I don't think people are born that way. I think people are born with generally a sense of impanement, right? That they deserve. Yeah. And they're kids and they're kind of narcissistic. And then somewhere along the way things happen to us. And then we start to like lose value in who we are as people. okay well i i would guess that um that i mean it it has to be somewhere because um i feel i feel like that sense has like almost developed or something in something that is more than just like uh like simple like self-sabwe that like i said earlier like almost like a relationship um what do you know like that

like i almost need it now almost like uh almost like i want it almost like i emulate it sometimes it's almost like something I'm familiar with. Yeah. Right. So can I tell you a story about a patient of mine? Sure. So I had a patient who had been in three abusive relationships in a row. Yeah.

And what she needed from her current partner was just like, and so the reason, so she had had three abusive relationships and then had dated a couple of people and essentially, kind of drove them away. And the reason she kind of drove them away, and so she blamed herself for this, which is sort of fair, is that, like, you know, the relationships weren't abusive and it was kind of confusing to her. And so she kind of needed, like, constant reassurance that, like, they weren't going to leave her. And then, like, the more she needed reassurance, like, the more kind of clingy she became and the more that her prospective boyfriends couldn't handle it.

And so they ended up, like, the relationship kind of fell apart. And then what happened, like, it's kind of subtle. right? So like if I'm, let's say that I need reassurance from you. And then I ask you for that reassurance and then you give it. And the next day I ask and you give it. And the next day that I ask and you give it. And then eventually you kind of get fed up and you leave. What do you think happens to the next person I date? How does that relationship look? Okay. I think I understand. Okay. Okay. I was listening. I was paying too much attention to like the details where I I felt the big picture.

Does that sense? Yeah, sure. The big picture of the story, I lost it because I spent too much time understanding the specifics. Yep. I see that. Okay, so if I have a relationship where I need a lot of reassurance from someone. Okay, and I drive.

Huh? And then you stop getting it in the next one or whatever. Well, no, so it's not even that I stop getting it. What do you think happens in the next one? So, like, my need for your love, once you leave me, what happens to how much? much love I need. No idea, actually. Tell me.

Okay. So what happened with her is that she kind of felt like, so that person left, right? And so the second relationship, it's even worse because now someone has abandoned her again. And so she needs more and more reassurance. And then she drives the second person away. And then two people leave. And then she's like, oh, my God, I need more and more reassurance. She loses value in herself with each relationship.

And she needs more and more validation from each person. And it's a vicious cycle because she can never get enough validation. Makes sense. Does that make sense? But the reason that she can never get enough validation is because she doesn't feel good about herself. She doesn't feel like she's unlovable. Or she feels like she's unlovable. She doesn't feel like she is lovable.

Therefore, she needs more validation from other people. And it's kind of like a vicious cycle because, the more validation she gets, she doesn't develop confidence in herself. Okay, so her self-reward isn't enough that she needs more from others that becomes unreasonable. Like, they can't even give her, it's too much. Exactly. So she becomes dependent on validation from other people. To the point where that validation is almost unattainable, because it's too much from a normal relationship.

Yep. Okay. Sound familiar? Um Yes How so Yeah Um I used to I used to do this thing

Uh I play Overwatch Right And I would care a lot About just the game And how I would do How I would perform Right

So I want you to Can I just jump in and pause Sorry if I'm derailing you But I love what you said I used to care a lot I think that's going to be the answer So please continue okay I care a lot about the actual gameplay and how good I was and how it performed at any given time

and if I felt like I was playing like really bad and I was doing really bad and then I noticed I had a lot of viewers it made me like upset maybe upset that people would tune in and watch such trash gameplay. So I would like shave off viewers on purpose. Like it would happen very often. What I do things to lose viewers. So then I'd be like, I lost something. I need to get this back.

I'm going to play well. And then when the viewers come back or when it rises again, I'll feel like I deserve it. You know, I deserve their eyes and their presence. Because look, man, I work there. You know, I didn't just. So, you know. So Felix, why do you have to shave off view?

this is important. Why do you set? That's like, this is real sabotage. Why do you have to get rid of them? Um, what, how do you feel if they stayed and you played like shit?

Well, I think I'm most of their time. Yeah. Right? How does that feel to you to waste other people's time? It feels really bad. And how does it feel when they leave?

Um, I think you'll feel good. I mean, it feels weird, but somewhat good. Yep. But then it gives me a goal. Yeah. So that's weird, right? Like, let's just look at that for a second. Mm-hmm. Okay, let's look at that. Okay. So when you play bad and people stick around, like, why do you think they stick around? Because you have to push them out the door, right? You have to actively try to get them to, like, leave. Why do they stick around?

I mean, the people that sit around, I mean, for gameplay, I would, I would think that they would stay because of how good they think I am, or how better the thing I can do. No. No. Oh, no, why not? Why do they stay then? They stay because they like you.

They value you. Okay, okay. I'm there's over there. That's good. But when I, when I kept up performing, in gameplay that I don't like. I understand you don't like that. Okay.

Right? So you think your value is determined by your gameplay. So, yeah. But what I'm telling, what I'm telling, I mean, there have to be people, I mean, I don't, I don't really know, but there have to be people who are better at Overwatch than you are. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Why do they watch you? Like, this is the thing that you don't get and it's so fucking confusing to you that you, that you're, that you're,

you have value outside of your performance. Because the other guys didn't stream. Fine, whatever. You can devalue yourself however. But do you get that? Like, they're sticking around because they like you. Okay. And then, and then what do you do?

Like, that feels weird. Like, if I tell you, if I tell you Felix that people like you because of you and not because you're playing perfect every match, how does that make you feel? Must feel a bit weird. Yeah. What is that weird? Let's understand that. maybe i don't think that i'm like interesting enough for that like a level of attention or something

yep right so so there's a disconnect between the way that you value yourself as a person and the way that twitch values you and this is why twitch is beautiful because they care about you as a person and that's fucking confusing to you and then what you do is you have to repeat this drama right what that what you do is you push him out the door So like, let me just, let me think about this. I have to just write this out, okay? Mm-hmm. I'm going to need a minute.

Okay. Now that, can you listen and type at the same time? Probably not, but let me hear what you have said. Oh, no, go ahead. No, no, go for it. No, it wasn't, I was adding some precision. Please. Now this is kind of like development to something different now,

that it's not exactly like that anymore, because I'm not really like a competitor anymore. so if I play like trash, it's like whatever. I don't really hold my own gameplay to like a high standard. I only care when I care or when I only care about the gameplay or my performance when I want to care about it. Does that make sense? Okay. If I'm in a state where I don't care that much, if I play poorly, oh, I can laugh it off and show with chat or whatever.

But if I'm in a state where I do care about the gameplay and I want to show them that I'm, I'm good to myself and others and share that that passion for getting better. If I don't do well, then I get like that, right? Okay. So I think you've learned two modes is what I'm hearing. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

So we'll dig into that further. That's very helpful. Thank you for sharing that. Okay. Okay. So this is what I'm going to say. Okay. So there's this idea of intrinsic value, which is value about like who you are.

And then there's extrinsic value. there's like the value that the world shows you okay and and so somewhere along the way you started like needing that at like you felt like you don't have intrinsic value like your sense of like what you bring to the table is dependent on your performance so this is like like you know so i'm a doctor so it's kind of like a doctor saying you know whether i'm a good doctor or bad doctor sort of depends on how many lives I save or don't save, which makes sense, right? Like if I'm, I mean, if you think about it, like a good doctor is someone who saves a lot of lives, but it's subtle. Makes sense. I'm not saying it's logical at all. Yeah. And I think there's

something weird that happens. So when you play, so when you rise and you have a certain level of value and then you play poorly and Twitch hat doesn't leave you, something funny happens. You feel uncomfortable. because they are not sending you signals that are consistent with the way that you see yourself. You're like, why are these fucking people watching this show? They don't, they don't, like, this is shitty. Like, I'm performing terribly. And then what you have to do is you have to create the reality that you feel,

which is that you have to, since they're, like, so imagine you're on stage and there are a lot of people watching, and you're bombing on stage, right? Like, you're doing a terrible job, but like no one's leaving the theater. and then what happens is like I just put them I just put the bag of my I just blow it in the mic

yep you know and then you take like you go backstage and you take a sack of like rotten fruit and then you start throwing it at people yeah and then they start leaving and then you feel good about yourself

because at least then they are doing what they're supposed to do exactly they're supposed to leave because I'm shitty like why aren't they leaving And then what you do, then it's a system you understand, right? Because then everyone has left.

And then there's one dude in the theater. And then you're like, okay, I can bring him back. And then Felix arises from the ashes. You pick up the microphone, you start making jokes, you start performing again. And then people start coming back. And you're like, okay, okay, this is okay. This is okay. Because then you know what you're offering them is good because they're coming in the door.

Yeah. Right? Yeah. So like, let's just think. about that. Like, what do you think about that, man? Um, I think it's a root to failure, but it's also a road to success. Absolutely. So success and failure is one thing. Okay, we're not talking about success and failure. I mean, we can, but what I'm talking about is value. I'm not talking about the external world. What I'm saying, the weird thing here is that

when you're on stage and you feel like you're bombing, those people want to stay. Yeah. What do you think about that? It's almost discomforting. It's odd. It's very discomforting. What is that discomfort? What are you feeling?

Um, like I said, I think I'm, I'm failing them. Like, I'm moist in their time. I feel like, uh, I feel like it's sent up or something and they're not getting it. And you're sticking around to like the potential. the ideal that it will happen. Yeah.

So, sure, I understand. Because once again, if you think they're sticking around for the potential it could happen, that's because you believe they're sticking around because of your performance. Right? Like, it's like you think that your value is based on your performance, which makes a lot of sense because your life has been one where I imagine, I mean, I think you're pretty good at Overwatch, right?

Yeah, I'm somebody good at. Yeah. So if you're really good at Overwatch, then you've been taught that your success is correlated with your performance. Absolutely. But here's the thing, right? So here's the funny thing about Twitch is that there are a lot of people here

who are very, very good. And also, like, but I don't think that that's, it's not just skill that makes you good. I mean, successful on Twitch. Right? There's something that streamers have which connect with, like, this is the really cool thing

as a psychiatrist. I see this. It's like really fascinating. that there's something about you. There's something intrinsic about who you are that resonates with people in your audience. Like they connect to you in some way. And that's not just because you're good.

Because if you just think about it, there are lots of good Overwatch players out there. And maybe some of them stream, maybe some of them don't. But there are a lot of good people who stream. But I think the crazy thing here is somewhere along the way you lost, like, you can't fathom that someone would stay on the stage.

if you're playing bad. I mean, someone would stay in the audience and stay in their seats if you're playing bad on stage. And I think that if you want to stop self-sabotaging, like, first of all,

because that's what you're doing, right, when you start going, and you just, you know, you push them out. And then the problem is that it reinforces, even though it shouldn't, because like, it reinforces this idea

that your value comes from bringing people in the door. But the real thing is, if you really look at, at it scientifically, clearly that's not where your value comes from because when you play bad, people don't leave. But you're just ignoring that data point. Yeah, because I feel like in that moment, like, I care about being good. I care about being a competitor. I care about outperforming. I care about like rolling in my game. Like, in that state of mind, like, I don't,

it seems kind of like an odd to say. I don't care that much about Twitch. I don't care that much about much about about view of numbers. I care about being good. Yes. So I think that makes perfect sense. But then the question is there's a part of you. So I think that's exactly what you should care about, right? Like you should care about going on stage and just giving the best of what you can get. The problem is that clearly there is a part of your mind that cares about more than that. Okay. Because if that's all you cared about, like let's say you're on stage and you're jogging and you drop a ball or something, right? If all you care about is being better, you're just going to pick up the ball and keep juggling. And whether

people stay or people go, you don't care because you're focused on the juggling. In fact, I think that there is something in you that is, it cares. But that's not what happens. If you put it, you shave off viewers. So clearly there's a part of you that cares about something else.

There's a part of you that cares about being a good juggler, and there's a part of you that cares about being seen as a good juggler. You don't want people to see your failure. That's accurate. That's good. That's good. That was a good mental development. I didn't think about it. I didn't think about it that way. I always see it like I was the one side of the thing. Yeah. Right. And that's not wrong because I think you're a smart guy, Felix. And you know that part of yourself. But if we look at your behavior, there's something else. It's not that you're wrong. It's that it's incomplete. And now we get to the idea of like, when did you, so now I want to. Thoughts, questions? Can I keep going?

No, that's all good. So let's think about this. When did you start caring about... Because you're not a guy who usually cares about appearances, right? No, really. So when... Can you remember a time where that changed? When did you start caring?

Like, this could... It could be like a small and insignificant thing. Like, maybe you were growing up or something like that. You guys need something? Oh. Um... Say it. But appearances, I don't, I suddenly cared that much.

Appearances as in what? Because I was always like, I don't know. Go ahead. Like, was there a time that you remember kind of feeling, not necessarily physical appearances, but that like you kind of feel, I mean, this is such a generic question. Everyone's going to have this. But, you know, a time where you kind of felt like super ashamed of the way that you were

perceived, that you felt like other people saw you as a failure? I look back at it. I mean, that's going to be true of everyone. My question is, does anything jump to your mind? So let me put it this way. So you know, when you're playing poorly and people are sticking around and you feel discomfort, can you remember feeling that discomfort in other scenarios outside of streaming and gaming? Yeah.

Where people should be leaving and they should be. calling you a piece of shit, but they didn't. I had this thing a long time ago where I had to I was good at doing a trampoline, right?

And the people at my gym saw it and they wanted me to compete right? Because I could do tricks that other people couldn't. So I started training and refining the moves or whatever. And then I had to compete in like some some weird suit.

I didn't like any of it. I didn't like the weirdness of competing. I liked more the organic action of it. Yeah. So the presence of just doing the trick for the sake of doing the trick, right? Not trying to win it. Yeah, exactly. Or make it perfect, make it look perfect, whatever.

Like that perfection of the craft wasn't really odd. Now I sound like Ninja. That's Ninja's line unbelievable. where my dad went on like a date and at his competition or whatever and he was like, oh, dude, you know, we're going to go watch you. I was like, dude, hell of you, man. I'm going to, I'm going to roll, you know, because I'm better than all these kids. So I show up there and my moves are like way better.

I'm objectively, if I just do whatever I'm doing all the time, my normal like routine, I win this. And I show up and I bomb super hard. But at first week, lens, I ended up side and then I jump sideways. Like, I even fall. And then the second attempt rolls around and it's even worse, right? And it's like everybody in the stage is quiet, right? Or like I stop when it's over or like once you fall, it's over.

And it's just completely quiet. And everybody's looking. And I'm like, oh my God. like I can't believe and my dad's on a date right and I know he's out there and I'm like this is unbelievable and that was like

really really bad and I ended up quitting I'm done with competing like this never going to happen again yeah that was one of those moments and what did your dad say um he always like pushed me to compete

and everything so a lot of times it's like you know in other scenarios when I was younger when I would compete. You'd be like, you know, it's okay, man, good job, good job. But that was so embarrassing that it was kind of like,

it's okay, man, like, you know? There it is. Hold on a second. So when you perform badly and he says good job, that's people not leaving the audience. Yeah. Right? So when your dad would say good job,

I want you to think back and really remember, how did you feel when he said good job after you know you did a bad job? that's very important for me what in what way when you fucked up and your dad said good job um that he saw the value in me trying uh it it matters that um you know i i i i fell once and he's still behind me and i don't have to fall again does that make sense like almost like failing twice almost

so you felt very supported by him yeah by saying you did a good job yeah did you feel ashamed um kind of like on the fence you kind of like uh in the gray area where you like you failed once

and you feel like if if you have feedback that you failed them then you fell twice right so being like in on edge about like how much of a failure this is, and then seeing them, like, support you. And they, oh, good job. It kind of makes, kind of, okay, you know, it's not that bad.

Yeah. So I'm actually, so that's interesting. That wasn't the answer I was expecting from that story. But let me just think for it. Okay. So the interesting thing is that, so it sounds like he was supportive, but it also sounds like it doubles the pressure on you. Yeah.

To win the second time. Yeah. And the interesting thing is that in a weird way, that actually sounds like winning people back. Right. So like, let me just, let me just give you, man, this is so hard to wrap my head around, but I'm going to try to say it and it may not make sense. So I'm just trying to think about, okay, like when you, it's like it's almost like your dad giving you feedback and then you winning after that is like you getting your rank back. after losing a rank.

Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah. Or getting at least a part of it back. Getting a part of it back, right? It's like, it's not that fail. Like, you have no problem dropping ranks. What bothers you is like dropping a rank and not getting it back.

Yeah, but also losing even more because of my projected rank in his mind or something. Yeah, that's exactly what we need to talk about. Okay. Right. So where do you get the idea? of like what he's projected like I mean I hate to be so fucking generic as you know use the psychiatry term

but like is your dad proud of you? Um yeah maybe I don't know um in what times though like when he when he's proud proud

I can tell when he when he's proud to be nice I can also hotel, right? And I feel like, like, as you kind of grow older, I feel like, yeah, I don't know. I don't know how to put this. I feel like when I was young, I needed him more to be proud than today. I've been, like, more, more, like, places where I get, like, validation or more, like, where I get... When you need... Can you tell me? what I just need a second I'm sorry keep going on

is what I'm saying wrong or like uh something or no no no I think it's I think it's like exactly what we're looking for it's just it's I'm taking aback by your answer right because what I'm hearing from you is sometimes that's what I'm hearing for you but there's well there's a lot there because I mean you just said that you needed like the time that you needed him to be proud of you was when you were younger which is also also like that implies that he wasn't, you know, that's a powerful statement to make. And then the last thing is that like, you know, generally speaking, like as a parent, you know, I mean, a complicated answer to the question, is your dad proud of you is sort of like a no. Right? So that means that on some level, like, it's complicated in your mind. It's still muddy. It hasn't been resolved. And it's certainly not a yes.

Yeah. And if we think a little bit about it, I mean, I think that. But that's, like, that's what we have to look into. I mean, I feel like, okay, so let's just take a step back and let me walk you through my reasoning, okay? Sure, but. So we talked about imposter syndrome. We talked about self-sabotage. We talked about not living up to expectations. There's this idea that, like, you let people down and they, their capacity to have intrinsic pride in you is a person.

When they do that, it confuses the shit at. And then what you do is you create a situation. where they're proud of you, but their pride in you makes sense because you are proud in yourself as well. Yeah. The problem arises when you feel ashamed of yourself and they don't connect with you there. They're like not calling you a piece of shit when they should be calling you a piece of shit. But instead what they do is they send you love and support and that's just really odd and confusing to you. So then you change the system up to where you feel comfortable in it. And the way that you feel comfortable is by winning again.

Like what makes you uncomfortable is when people care about you and you're losing. So you just like, you're like, okay, I'm going to lose and then I'm going to push them out the door and then I'm going to win. And then they've loved you all along. The only difference is that like sometimes you love yourself and you create systems where you can love yourself. And then their love for you, which is constant, makes more fucking sense. Does that make sense?

And so then the next question becomes, where the fuck does this come from? why? Like, why is it so damn complicated? Right? Why can't you just be loved by Twitch hat? Like, that's kind of the end of it. Yeah. And that, and that, so then, like, usually that's learned. Okay. So it's not like you're busted in some way. It's just like, like, we learn that, right? And so then the issue is, I mean, then the issue is like, you know, who in your life taught you that you don't have intrinsic value? because kids start out kind of like narcissistic and egotistical and they think they're the wonderful, most wonderful people in the world. And then someone comes along and sort of tells them that your value, so like you were taught something, which is that your value as a human being depends on performance. Yeah, yeah, for sure. I would start that on 100%. Yeah, so who taught you that?

My dad told me that. Okay. Okay. Okay. Right. So there we go, right? So, so I don't even, that was too easy. Hold on. Oh, I mean, I can pinpoint it. It's not like, it's like, like, difficult. Tell me. Tell me, tell me about that.

Just tell me about your dad, you know, teaching you that lesson. I mean, but that was like, uh, I mean, he always wanted me to compete. And I was a competitor. I was always very competitive when I was young with my, with my brother or like, I kind of need that fire. And he wanted me to compete in things that I didn't really care about. but since, you know, when we're young, like, I don't really have, like, passions for, like, a crazy amount of things. So if you, if you wants that, maybe it's cool.

I'll just do it, right? I did it. It's not like he forced me to. I mean, if he did, it wouldn't be much of his difference for me. So let's, let's think for a second. If you didn't like it and he wanted you to compete, why did you do it? If he didn't force you. Oh, well, take, take for example, like, like, skiing.

I used to do, like, competitive skiing, right? And I didn't really like it that much. I thought it was kind of boring the way you would practice and I thought it was trashed. But he cared about it a lot. And all of his friends, like all had kids that that would compete. And I just kind of had to show up. And I would roll them. But I didn't really care about it.

Why did you do it? Because my dad wanted me to. So what were you looking for? When you rolled them, what would your dad? How would you look at you? What would he say? I mean, he'd be super proud when I would win. And I would have a lot.

So he'd be proud all the time. Right? And how did that make you feel? I made me feel good. Like I'm winning on both ends. What are the two ends? Well, I win at the competing. So I get like the validation, like, oh, you're rank one or whatever.

And then... Did you care about that? Yeah, of course. Okay. Even if I don't care about what it is, if I win, it still matters. Okay. Sometimes even more than what the action is itself. Okay.

Right? Sure. Like if I put some game, nobody cares about like Dora and like the rank one speed runner. It still feels good. Sure. I'm rank one. Okay. And what was winning on the other side?

You said actually winning is a place of it. And then he, I mean, he's proud of me. Then I, I, since he is like a, like a competitive mindset, like I know that he cares that I win. So I win and for myself and I win for him too. It's going to double win. Both ends. Yeah. So what I'm hearing, did your dad, how would he treat you if you lost?

Um, I guess it depends in what field. But I guess, um, I guess he still, he still, he still, pretty good, I suppose. Yeah, I think you still gave me that validation even when I didn't do well. And did you know he was, do you think he was being genuine at those times, or do you think he was disappointed in you? I think so. No, I don't, I don't, I don't, I really feel like you feel disappointed in my competing.

He did or did not? Did not. I don't think he, I don't think he ever felt like that. And I thought it's not even like like it like it just happened a lot like um like competing like for myself but for him also like it there's a bunch of times I competed in like a skiing biking some some other shit like like it would happen like commonly you know how old were you when you were competing in skiing and biking I guess I'd be like 10 and then maybe like 13 12 12 level. And so it sounded like you didn't really like those sports, right? No, I didn't like it that much. Especially biking, because my bike sucked. It was just trash, right? And I was competing against kids that had like, like, multi-thousand-dollar bikes or whatever. And then that's like a long story, but my chain, like I could be close to winning and my chain on my bike would would fall off

and had to physically get up and put it back on both on both ends, right? and then go back again and I just felt cheated all the time when I lost I got at the end and I lost I was like did I didn't have a chance you know this this fucking sucks like fuck these guys you guys you guys suck balls you're not even good at the sport man

I can't give me to get a working bike yo yeah yeah and and how what happened at the end of the race what did your dad say he'd always be proud but I I would never like hold it again still like they don't have a good bike

like I couldn't care like I mean like that for me there was no other tool that I could have like that was my tool and it was trash you just make it work right yeah but he was proud anyway like it's still like give me that that that validation of like and then you still did he said it pretty good and like I'm like I'm glad you did it or something or um yeah he let's ask you again is your dad proud of you I don't want to throw the bus on stream, but I don't think so. Yeah, I don't think so either. So the question is why?

Why do you feel that way? I think because he has things that he wants me to do well in, and in those things I don't do well or never care enough to do well, and his sort of interest doesn't shift. Just kind of stayed there. How does that make you feel? It makes me seek that validation elsewhere and find and build systems where I get it there. Did you understand that before this conversation?

Not really. Okay. Because that's absolutely the answer. Very well said. Okay. Right? So like the fuel for your system, brilliant, actually, Felix. Because that's the point that I'm moving towards.

But that only is true if your dad is not. proud of it, right? And like, that's where, like, it's a hard thing. Like, how do you feel saying the words out loud that you're afraid that your dad may not be proud of you? Because I'm not so sure that he's not proud of you for the record. But, like, how does it feel to say that? I feel like, um, your parents are kind of like a big part. Like, you know, you got this big puzzle or whatever. And no one has like a thousand pieces. Well, well, the pieces that are like, your parents are like the, like, like, huge ones in the middle that the ones that you should care about.

the ones that are that matter the most that right yeah but like what makes you think you don't matter about it well you care you don't care about them or they don't matter how are you getting that why say that again so you just said those are the puzzle pieces that should matter the most yeah when you say should matter the most it implies that they don't matter the most so why do you think that your parents don't matter well now they matter but now the since i build those systems their input and validation is kind of irrelevant. Yes, and absolutely not. So you're 100% correct that you have created systems

that will satisfy the hunger that your parents left you with. But the goal here, at least in my mind, is to be free of those systems because those systems fucking torture you. Okay. Right? So like there's a part, there's a, there's a, there's a world I want you to imagine, Felix, where you play because you want to be the best, not because you need validation. And I know you know that. Like you play for the purpose of schooling those nobs. Like that's enough. But then what you have is this whole other layer on it where like you need the validation. Like it's not about like, because this goes back to like, you know, there's a moment where you want to juggle just for the sake of juggling. But you do care. So my. whole point is that if you want to live the life that you really want to live, which is to focus on juggling and schooling nobs for the sake of schooling noves, you've got to let go of caring about other people. And I know that you do that like 90% of the time and they're like 10% of the time this weird shit happens in your mind. You're not even sure what's happening and you're looking for validation. And then you use these phrases, you know, you're discouraged, imposter syndrome, self-sabotage. Like that's not a life that you need to be living, man. It's not a life I want you to live. I want you to live a life. Yeah, go ahead.

Okay. I want that life, too. Like, whatever you're going to say, like, I would probably, like, 300%, it would probably make a lot of sense because you're logical. But at the same time, sometimes I convince myself of, like, bad mental loops, whatever. And I'm like, hey, man, this thing is maybe not like a healthy mindset. But it just kind of works. and I'm scared of destroying that. So I'm like, if I lose that and it's trash, then what?

So this is a common problem, okay? So like there's this idea that caring, and I mean, like, I feel like I'm talking to Pokemon. So like if you watch the video from hers, she actually calls it a whip. So she whips herself and she's a, like to be the best. And she optimizes a lot of stuff in her, like she's always an optimizer and she always strives to be the best. And then she's also really confused because all you guys are confused. And then like, I work with a lot of executives and things like that. All those guys are confused, too. How can you continue to perform if you abandon your current system? And the answer is you

absolutely can. It's, and that becomes, that, that's a conversation about another Sanskrit concept called Vairagya, which means detachment. And we can kind of go down there. But I want to kind of finish this thing with your dad, if that's okay. Yeah, go ahead. So the short answer is that you can be successful by not caring about other people or even success. Success comes from you picking up the balls that you're juggling and trying to do better than you did the last time. It has nothing to do with whether you think you're a good person. It has nothing to do whether other people think you're a good person. That is what success depends upon.

So you can abandon the rest of all of your psychological shit and your systems and whatever. and as long as every time you pick up a ball, I mean, every time you drop a ball, you pick it up and you try to do better the next time, you're going to be successful. What do you think about that? Yeah, and they make sense. Yeah.

So you don't need any of the rest of this crap that I know you're comforted in because those are the systems that you've developed for yourself. And so you've come to rely on those. But you can let go of those. And as long as, like, because at the end of the day, you could care about what other people think

and not focus on becoming a, battle or juggler, and then like you've seen those streamers, right? The streamers that just care about what are the people think and don't focus on what a ninja say,

build their craft or whatever, perfect their craft. Like it's perfection of the craft that leads to success in life. It's devotion to the thing that you are doing that leads to success. Not anything else.

Anyway, so we can talk about that later. But kind of coming back to your, your, I mean, I think we got to, I mean, I think we got to figure out like, you know, what's the deal with your dad and pride? Like, why don't you think your dad is proud of you? And there are good reasons that you think that,

because he hasn't conveyed that to you sufficiently. I have some hypotheses, but I'm just wondering. Well, I'm glad you didn't then, because if he doesn't feel it, and I don't want him to convey it if he doesn't feel like it, if he doesn't, if he's not proud of me about something, I don't want to give me the signs that he is. I feel like that's misleading.

Yeah, I completely agree. but then the question is like why isn't he Prap for you? I feel like he wants and wanted me to perform in certain things that I didn't perform in like schooling like some of the sports that he wanted me to do

like when I quit skiing I'm just snowboarding and I stopped competing and I compete in other ways like that's kind of like how he wanted me to have success even if I found success in other ways, it's still not in his like model Variti's it.

And I feel like not achieving that, it's kind of like, it doesn't make him very proud. Okay. A little bit like those things were like it. Yeah. Like schooling. You always want me to do well in school.

I can never care. Okay. Yeah. All right, two questions. So the first thing that I want to toss out to you that I think I wonder why he cares so much about you being successful. Is he successful? Yes, but he's very prideful.

Can you tell me about that? Well, you know, like, I feel like I have like a brother. And I think I took much more from my dad than he did. Like my brother doesn't have like an ego, like a crazy over competitive spirits. like isn't very like that prideful right isn't like as like self-centered like I feel like I took like all that from my dad um how do you feel about that taking all those things from your dad good and bad these are like double-edged swords almost all of them

so right answer these things fuck you over but these things make you good sometimes also sometimes I'm okay with like the downsides because I also get the upside. So I'm not, I'm not that much allowed to be upset about it. By the way, where is your mom in all this? My mom's always there,

support me in whatever I want. But it's not as intense. Can you tell me about your mom? Mom's cool. She's just not as intense in things. If she wants me to do something, if she wants me to be good at something, if I,

if I fail her, if I do her good, like any good or bad isn't intense. And I was really raised with intensity. Is your mom proud of you? Yeah. Yeah, I can say so. So it's interesting, right? Because like when I ask you as your mom proud, you can say yes. And I know you've sort of said already that your dad isn't, you're concerned that he may not be proud because you didn't, you didn't become the thing

that he wanted you to be. Mm-hmm. Right? That's, so we'll talk about that in a second, but I just, I think it's interesting how, how complex your answer is when it comes to your dad

and how simple your answer is when it comes to your mom. And, and I wonder if there's a parallel to be drawn between when you're playing, when you're playing poorly and people in the audience are sticking around and they're not leaving if that's your mom. Yeah. And then, I mean,

but like I said, it's, for me, I think, I'm trying to like, this is kind of hard, because it's very introspective, right? Yep. I'm trying to think of the rude causes. My thoughts is that, like I said, it's like, I think it's really all about the intensity. It's like how, how, like, maybe disappointed or mad than my dad would get if I didn't perform in what you want me to do well in? And how happy he was and how proud he was when I would do well.

as with my mom, even if she was really proud of me, maybe the way she expressed that, even though she was extremely excited, wasn't as deep or as intense. But it's kind of hard to compete because my dad is extremely intense. So maybe my mom was like above average in terms of intensity. My dad was like way, way, way above average. So she can't compete. So what I'm hearing actually is like I'm going to toss something out called contingent love. So like it feels to me like your dad's love was like contingent.

Like it depended on certain things. Whereas your mom sounds like it wasn't quite as dependent. So maybe another way to put it is that your dad's love was conditional and your mom's love was unconditional. Okay. That's a little bit of a dark thought. Yep. It could make sense. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, what's dark about that? That's a strong word. It's all. Yeah. Um, conditional. That's a strong one. It's a strong word. How does it make you feel to hear it? Well, I don't have to hold my pants and throw them under the bus and hold them to such labels.

Fair. So let's talk about that for a second. Mm-hmm. So a lot of times I will use strong words to amplify what is low in. the person I'm talking to. For the record, I think it sounds like your parents are amazing and wonderful people. And I think they've done, it sounds like a good job raising you. I'm not hearing any kind of abuse or any kind of shit like that. I think this is just how human beings work.

So I think my parents were wonderful as well, but I still had hang up. So can I tell you a story? Yeah. So when I was, let me just think about where to start this story. So when I was finishing up my, my training in Boston, I'd done a really good job. So I was like, I'd distinguished myself in some ways and was it a pretty competitive kind of institution where there are a lot of bright people. And so I'd kind of distinguished myself. And then I had a mentor who had been supporting me for like

six years and started to become kind of paranoid that like I'd created this thing and I was like afraid that he was going to like take it over. And I had some reason to believe that. But like, I kind of thought that this was something that... I stop you. I don't want to go into the story more with lack of precision. I kind of felt like I missed a part of the story. Sure. You were doing well, better in some of the bright people, whatever, and then you...

And then what? And then I got paranoid that one of my mentors was going to take credit for my work. Oh, okay. So what I had done is I'd created a program. So I'd created something called a consult service where people with mental health problems, could come and learn like meditation and use herbs and other kinds of like Eastern stuff to help with their anxiety and their depression. And it was going very, very well because a lot of people are interested in that and it works

really well. And I was afraid that one of my mentors would basically take over that program, which I had essentially built from the ground up. And it was really weird because the guy had been nothing but supportive. And so I was doing some kind of introspective work and actually learning a particular kind of therapy at that time. and as part of learning that therapy, I had to do my own, I was kind of playing the role of the patient. So I was examining my own issues. And so we came up with this issue for me to work on.

And what I realized is that, is that like this fear that someone who has been nothing but supportive is going to take away what I've built actually comes from my childhood. And when I was 13 years old, this was back before the internet was a thing, or even younger, there used to be these things called bulletin board system. BBSs. And back before there was a centralized internet, what happened is you had a phone line and you would connect to one other computer through a phone line. And so what I did is my computer was a server that I hosted games on. And then like there would be all these kids at school who would dial into my computer and use my server to take their turns in the game. And then like 30 kids would play like this awesome game called Barron Realms Elite, which is still an awesome game. So it's kind of like, it's kind of like clash of kings and stuff now. It's sort of like,

you take your turn every day, you spend resources, you build armies, you attack other people, and it's like competitive. You're like travian or whatever. You know that website? No. That's whatever. Okay. So, so, but back then, like, so, so not, so, we had two phone lines at my home. So I hosted the server and then what I would do is charge 10 bucks a week for people to get access to my server. And it became like a super popular thing. And I was making like 300 bucks a week. And like, that was a lot of money back in, like, 1990. Oh, for sure.

And so, you know, I created this thing. And then, like, the funny thing is, like, my parents were, I'm lucky. I'm the son of two physicians. So my parents, like, had a big house and, like, they basically bought me whatever I wanted. I didn't need any money. So I was, like, making money. And I was making money for the sake of making money. And I didn't have any way to spend it.

Because, like, if I wanted something, they would just get it for me. Or, I mean, they would get it for me if my grades and stuff were good. And so, like, one day, like, like, My dad found this gigantic wad of cash. And he was like, what is this? And then I was like, well, I stole it. And he was like, I'm balling, dude. I was like, no, man, he's like, you didn't steal it.

He's like, what is this? And he's like, I told him, I was like, I started a business. And I'm making a bunch of money. And so then what he did is he took the money away and he shut down the business. And he said, you've got to focus on your studies. And he was actually, like, proud of me because he, like, knew that I was an entrepreneur and all that kind of crap. So he was, like, kind of proud, but he also, like, shut it off, right? Like, he did what, what, I mean, I think is reasonable for a parent to do, which is to say, like, you should really be focusing on studying.

Like, you should do what I think you should do instead of doing what you think you should do. Sound familiar with your dad, by the way? And, uh, yeah. And then, like, I realized that in some ways, like, that left a psychological imprint. My dad was, like, a great person and he loved me a lot and he was a great guy. you just listen to me talk about that story and how it affected me today, that's where my paranoia was born, that someone who cares about me, and it's a very specific pattern. It's that someone who cares about me, like, is going to take away what I've built. Okay. Right? It doesn't make him a bad

person. It's just like, that's what happens because our psychology is imperfect. And young minds are impressionable. And like, they don't understand the complexity of what our parents send us. Yeah. Okay. So in your... Go ahead. Well, I have something like that then. Tell me.

I think. Um, I can't think of something like very much in the past, much more something that's kind of, kind of recent. And, you know, a time where like, I'm looking for that validation or I'm looking for that effect. And I didn't get it. And it kind of like, it didn't mark me, but kind of did. I had just swapped, because I used to play another game on stream, and I had swapped this new game, Overwatch, and I was streaming it, and I was really good at the game.

But I saw streaming it a lot, right? I'd put in a lot of hours, and I was enjoying myself a lot. At the same time, I care about being good, being whatever. I still care about the stream a lot, because, you know, I wanted a stream to feel like it's going forward, just like my rank and my playing like pedigree or career or whatever and um it's very hard at first because my English was really bad it's still it's not the best but I just felt like I want to do that in English because I used to stream in French and that's what I want to do and I want to do good

and then I just felt like there's no way I could I could ever do it because who would listen to some guy who doesn't speak English properly and And I just felt like, kind of like the world is against me type of thing, but I still did it. And I would get like a small milestone. Like, oh man, look today, we, you know, we had like two subs or something. And after a while, after like a crazy amount like grind if you want or whatever, I got this, it was like Christmas there or something. And I had a total of like, I think it was 200 and 12 subs.

I remember it was like 220 or 220 or 112 or something. And I was like I cannot believe it I think I've just peaked or something Like I plateaued like this is it This is like Holy shit I can't believe that

200 people would subscribe to my channel dude And they don't know what the fuck I'm saying You know And then I turn a stream off And I had to go to this At the time I wasn't living with my parents anymore So I had to go to this Christmas party right

So I showed up like 10 minutes later Or something that's you know I was streaming I turned it off. I rushed there. And I stopped talking to my dad a little bit in the family. And then I talk to my dad, I'm like, you wouldn't believe it. Like today, against all these other people that are, that are like competing, you know, like I have had this many subs or whatever.

And I have this much value to my channel. But that's crazy. And he kind of just looked me like to decide. And you just kind of said, okay. So when does that make you go back to school? And I'm like, fuck man. It just kind of crush me. Yeah, man.

Does that make sense? Makes a lot of sense. Yeah. That's crushing. So now I felt like it wouldn't matter like what the numbers would be at. Because I felt like that was like a crazy number. Even though it didn't matter. because any any direction in that path any any heights it wouldn't matter it'd be irrelevant

that's why i started making those systems why i get violations from in other forms because i clearly wasn't getting it there you know yeah i think it goes a little bit i mean that's rough man i'm i got emotional hearing that because i i think we all knew where that was going but yeah i i think so so here's the thing felix don't don't get distracted yeah what are you sorry you're looking around No, no, no, it's like add some Discord stuff up up. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. So I think here's the problem. You say that you needed to create systems of validation because you weren't getting validation from your dad. I think the issue here is it's not validation that you weren't getting from your dad. It is fundamental sense of value. Okay. Does that make sense? Like there's a different, like, there's a different.

Yeah. Right? So like that was the moment that instead of your value as a human being here, it came down over here. Because here you were proud of yourself and you said, look, I did something. I'm proud. I accomplished something. And then you were up here and then your dad moved you down here. In that moment, that's when, so that's not validation. It's devaluing. And then you need validation to fill that gap. but before that moment I don't know that you needed any validation does that make sense yeah so like validation like the problem with validation is that

like your intrinsic sense of value and now we kind of go back to the beginning of the conversation is like you know imposter syndrome is because you don't believe that the person on stage deserves to be there it's a statement of intrinsic value and then you need validation because that's the only way you can get back up

because you believe you're starting down here, right? It's the fucking bike with the broken chain. Your whole life, it's a bike with a broken fucking chain. Yeah. Definitely is. And that's like, that's sad, bro. Is that this is the life? Yeah.

Because the thing is you don't have a broken chain. You are a $1,000 bike. Pog. Yeah, but you don't see yourself that. Yeah, I agree with that. And that's sad. Is that feeling? Yeah.

Don't feel much regarding that. I don't know. I have like, it doesn't really, I don't want to, like, overself myself, but it doesn't really take me a lot to go on. Right? Like, it doesn't really,

like, it doesn't really, like, to like do well or do better or improve like there aren't like a lot of requirements that I need to to to to go in and do shit does that make sense yeah I want it yeah I feel more fulfilled if I get it but is it sometimes I feel like I'm more like solid on that without trying to like you know sound like a high ego Andy or something no no I don't think it's high ego. Let me let me put it. I think it's a problem, buddy. Yeah, I think so, too. Why do you think it's a problem? I feel like maybe it makes me like settle, settle for less or something. And like, um, in a certain way, it makes me like be okay

with like trash. Absolutely. Absolutely. So I, well, I'm going to put it a different way, okay? So you're not feeling a whole lot right now, right? No. Why do you think it is that other people have difficulty giving their best? Because you're saying that I don't have difficulty giving my best, right? Mm-hmm. Why think other people, like, what gets in the way of other people giving their best? I don't know.

I thought about it for a whole minute. I've no clue. Okay. So do you feel a whole lot of emotions? Felix? I'd say less than average. Yeah. So I think part of what makes other people makes it hard for other people to give their best

is that they've got like internal shit that like bogs them down. Okay. And I don't know exactly what you mean by settle for less, but I think part of you giving it your all lets you forget about a lot of things that are probably, I imagine, hurtful to you. It definitely does. And I think what we're running up against, which is interesting, because what you're saying is like some pretty, like, you know, you'll say the word crushing. And then the only sign that you have emotional activation is the amount of distraction which you have in your face and where your eyes go.

So the only sign of emotion that I see in you, so you can recognize that something is crushing. You can recognize these things and you're learning them, but you're not feeling anything. You'll look at your hands, you'll get distracted by discord. maybe it was a discord, maybe I'm reading too much into it. I have no idea. It was really basically one time over the last, however long we've been talking, that you've like broken eye contact with your screen in like in a particular moment. You kind of like looked at your hands for a second.

Yeah. And I don't know. So I think you've got feelings down there that are pushed so far down. Because you've constructed a system of like being your best self and competing. And like, I think that, you know, you can say it was crushing, but do you remember how it felt when you came to your dad and you were like, I got 200 subs? I've peaked. I've made it on Twitch. Yeah.

I think I remember. Yeah. I think I, yeah. How did it feel? It just felt like, like, um, like I felt like so ready to get something. And they had the exact opposite. You know, sometimes you kind of like, protect yourself. with like,

um, uh, some like expectations or something. Yeah. Right? Not to expect too much. So I don't more like, you know,

like a fishing rod. Sometimes, you know, um, you know, you don't expect too much. You know, you put it like close,

you know, whatever. But that was like an, I overextended like, I'm all in like, like, I'm not, I know I'm going to get it.

So Felix, why do we protect ourselves like that? Why do we expect so little from the fishing rod? Rod. Where does that protection come from? So like, what are we tanking? What do you mean? So you're saying, you said something about, you know, having low expectations and how low expectations are protected. Yeah. Okay. So like, you play overmuch, right? So like, you know, those low expectations are like Ryan Hart and his shield. And like what's behind Ryan Hart? Like, what are we tanking there? If those, if low X, if you didn't, if you didn't, if you didn't. set artificially low expectations for yourself, what would happen? Um, more intense disappointment when you don't get it.

Absolutely. And even then, more intense disappointment is a really cerebral way of saying, it hurts. Okay. You're protecting yourself from hurt. I don't reuse those words very often. You don't use those words very often. That I know. Yeah. So you're hyperanalytical and you're alexothymic. What alexathymic means is that you're unaware of what your internal emotional state is. And I don't think you, like, you can use words like crushing. You can use physical words, right? You can use words that are like crushing is like a physical thing.

It has a representation in the real world. Men do this often. It's like, you know, you can talk, like, you don't talk about pride or satisfaction. You talk about like rolling noobs. Yeah. Right. That's an emotion. Rolling nobs is like, it's an emotion.

but you just don't have the language. And everyone understands what we mean because our whole generation is like emotionally sunk. Because we play video games and stuff and like we don't spend time like inside ourselves. It really is. And I think that buddy like so, you know,

I'm going to offer a couple of thoughts because I don't really know exactly what, where to explore from here. And I kind of want to say, so I've also noticed something that when we explore too far, we lose some of the things that we learned at the beginning. Yeah. There's good data to that. So I'm going to try to leave you with a couple of thoughts. The first thing is I think you've really got to think long and hard about, you know, how you feel about your dad not being proud of you.

Mm-hmm. And because I just don't think that you deserve a life where, like, your value is down here when it's really a peer. Because you are a thousand dollar bite. You're not. And there's a certain amount of like, you know, underdog pride with with being. down here and still achieving up here. Like, I can sympathize with that. There's a certain pride in that. But I just don't, I just don't think that, like, when it comes to this self-sabotage and imposter syndrome and all this kind of shit,

you know, because people, people do genuinely care about you. I mean, I'm making assumptions here, but I'm pretty sure because that's what I've seen from Twitch chat. Everyone talks about Twitch chat, like, they're toxic, but I think that there's, like, a lot of genuine caring and respect. There is. Yeah. And I think it's, I mean, it's got to like, it's got to be about your dad.

And by about what I mean is like, I think you've got to, you know, maybe at some point, first of all, figure out how you feel and then then engage your dad. I don't know if you guys have ever talked about like what success means to him and why he cares so much. So the last thing that I want to leave you with is that all this shit about your dad's expectations on you are probably coming from his own sense. of not doing good enough because that's what parents do. Okay, I can see that.

Right? So if he's hyper competitive and egotistical and he has a son who is far more successful than he'll ever be, which I don't know if that's true or not. I don't know how successful he is and I don't really know how successful you are. Like I don't really know, right? But if that thought is in his head,

that could be difficult for him to sit with. But that's not something that should lower your value. that's something that he needs to deal with. Like, why does he need his son to be number one? Okay. In a realm where that couldn't change, then what? Is it not okay to have systems where you get that from or other things? Let's say if that all they said was the truth and he couldn't change, then what?

So you're absolutely right. So the systems are there for a damn good reason. right so like like what i'm yeah so then what then i think you guys accept you breathe and you move past it and what that means is like you know if i'm juggling and i drop a ball then what felix i'm trying absolutely right so like like you you don't let that failure stop you so if your dad like your dad needs to figure out like why he wants his son to be so successful.

Like, does he derive personal pride and ego from your successes? Because that happens a lot with parents. And then the second thing is, why can't he accept your success for what it is? Why does it have to look like his success? Okay. That's it. Then you have it. Then I have what?

I feel like that question is the right one. Yeah. Or the most valid one out of all of them. Exactly. And that comes from a conversation with him. And the cool thing is that once you can have that conversation with him and you can get the answer to that question, then you're no longer down here. Because what put you down here is like his impression of what's valued. Then you're back up here and then you're, you know, you're a $1,000 bike riding a $1,000 bike. Like that's what you are. You're not like a broken chain. Because if we look at your actual performance, we see the performance of a $1,000 bike, not the performance of a broken chain. And that you've demonstrated time and time and time again by schooling nobs and trampoline, schooling nobs and skiing, schooling nobs right and left and center, right? You're competing with, like, your dad sends you in to compete with kids with multi-thousand-dollar bikes

and you've got a broken chain. You're fucking winning a race and you have to stop and pull over and reattach a chain. Yeah. Yeah. In those moments, I feel like, um... I was upset that they wouldn't get, I wouldn't get the result, but I was very much like self, self rewarded. I had a good mental loop because, yeah, it sucks. I don't get on the podium, but at the same time, I was like, dude, if I had a bike as good as theirs, I know.

Like, it's not, that doesn't come from like overvaluing my value. Like, I would have fucked this guy over. I would have rolled them, right? And that, that thought was enough. Yeah. I'm with you. I think, yeah. Right.

But the problem here is that you don't think that way about yourself now. Right? You think the opposite. Probably not. Yeah, exactly. Right. So, like, I think, and then we kind of ask a little bit about, won't I become not successful? No, absolutely not.

Because that is actually when you're truest self. It's when you don't derive value from an external thing. Do you see that? In that moment, you're not deriving value from being on. stage, you're deriving value from a true sense of what you're putting in and what you're capable of. Then you don't care about the audience. And can you be successful?

Absolutely. Yeah. Thoughts, questions? No, this all makes sense. Is it an overall unhealthy in the grand scheme of things, like lifestyle to to let's say not care about what your parents think or like build yourself in an environment where you get like a combined other things that make up for that, or make up for their value or their.

So I think the healthiest thing is to, it's not to not care. It's to recognize what part of my parents' value of me is fair and what point. part is unfair. Okay. That makes a lot of times. Yeah. Because their evaluation of you is not perfect. Yeah. I think that's the problem.

Where growing up, you can't really tell tens of your parents, they're above you, so they know shit. But sometimes they do things just like we do, like I do now, like we're human,

right? that are wrong, but I still see it as right because I don't know any better. So, like, they play their cards perfectly, and that's how they really feel about me, but maybe that's how they feel about themselves or some external other source, right? And then I feel like you kind of build, like, just unhealthy conclusions. Absolutely. Right. So I think the general strategy, like, so when I say, you have to see what's fair and unfair,

like you said, you think that they're perfect when you're a child, and they're not perfect. And we don't blame them for that. Right? Because they also, like, they're not perfect. So how can you expect perfection from them? So I think the strategy, Felix, is damage control, not perfection. It's not being perfect. It's in recognizing, like, so the way forward is to have conversations with them, where then you can, through conversation with them, like, recognize, okay, what is my dad saying that's fair? And what is he saying that's unfair? And then once you recognize that it's unfair, you let it go. Fine. That's good. It's like that shit's on him. Like if he's not happy with me having a broken chain bike and not winning first place, like that's an unreasonable expectation. And if he doesn't want to be proud of me for that, then so be it.

I'm going to make my case about why he should be proud of me. Right? I need to explain to him. And then that gives him the opportunity to also bring it, because you're not the only one that needs to do growing in this relationship. And it's kind of like a continual process in the same way that you like wake up the next day and you try to be better. That's what both of you guys need to do for your relationship. And then you'll end up hopefully both being like happy and accepting and loving each other.

And, you know, he'll be proud of you. And you'll know that he's genuinely proud of you. And he can accept that you aren't him. Right. You're not his perfect dream of himself. You're you. And you have your own shit that you care about and your own value. and there are parts of you

that there are parts of him that live within you but there are also parts of your mom there are parts of you that are a little bit more chill there are parts of you that say that I'm going to stop skiing and like snowboard because it's fun and I'm still going to do a really good job but it's going to be less intense and that he needs to judge you for who you are

not who he wants you to be and even in that you may fall short in some ways He may say, okay, Felix, I agree with you that, you know, you've been successful and I'm proud of you, but I still think X, Y, Z. Yeah. And then for you to say, okay, dad, that's fair or that isn't fair. And then you guys come to an accord, and that's a healthy relationship. Yeah. Yeah, I think I'm getting there, yeah.

I mean, I understand, like, the full scope of the full scope of things. It's almost like, at the same time, it's kind of like, um, Most people that do good on Twitch are kind of like, like degenerates or, I mean, not most of us. I'm not only put throws on in the same boat, but it's kind of like almost kind of like being like a failure or something. I mean like a bum, right? Being such a bum that is like one of the like things that makes you good on Twitch or something. That's also something that doesn't sit well over your pants. So I think it's kind of weird to be kind of like reward.

for such like, am I getting there? Does that make sense? Yeah, it makes perfect sense. And I think there's a difference in value between the boomer generation and our generation. There's like a conversation that needs to be had. Like basically, I mean, I have this conversation with my parents, too, about like where value comes from. Right. So she has certain ideas about, like, what I should be.

And we just have to have a conversation about, like, you know, some of the, the ways that I raise my kids and things like that. And so she's like, oh, that's not the right way to do it, right? Your dad's issue is that you're not successful in the right ways. Yeah, that's it. And like this is just like they don't get to determine what's right. Right? We have our own perspective.

And we don't get to determine what's right either. Like what's right comes like from a conversation and accord between the two of us. And I mean, I think, you know, I know, I would. I'm going to have to think a little bit, Felix, because I think just a couple of closing thoughts. So I think there are a couple things you can work on. One is to think about how to have a conversation with your dad because I think that actually needs to happen at some point. And the second, though, is to really figure out, like, I do think you're alexothymic, which means you don't really, you're not really in touch with your emotions.

And I don't know if you, I mean, sometimes like people who are not really in touch with their emotions, they come out in other ways, like oftentimes frustration or anger or toxicity. And so I think a big part of toxicity on the internet and on Twitch comes from like people having these kinds of issues or like your dad is fundamentally not proud of you. And like that's hard to live with like every single day. Right. And that hurts. And then like what happens when we get hurt?

Like if I slap you across the face, what are you going to do? Yeah. Ouchy? And then what? And then nothing. to wait until it heals. Sure, but you're not going to hit back? Um, yeah. Maybe, maybe not. Okay. I mean, so, I'm sorry. I think I'm not giving you the correct, the correct path. No, but, but that's, that's perfectly fine, right? So it's not like, once again, it's not me,

it's not for me to know what the correct answer is. When you give me an answer that I'm not expecting, which you're spot on, that's not, that wasn't what I expecting. I don't try to convince you that I'm right. I stop and put it. myself in your shoes and then the truth is going to be somewhere in the middle. So let me put a better analogy that will give me the answer that I want, right? When someone like when you're playing a game of Overwatch and like, you know, they take the point or whatever. And then you're like, yeah, I'm going to fuck them.

Right? Yeah. You hit back. Yeah. And so when we're hurt, what we respond with is anger. Okay. And I was reading, I mean, so I sort of realized this one day when I was reading one of the manifestos of one of these school tutors.

and at the bottom of all of that man yeah go ahead okay fuck i i feel like i ruin your story um i feel like over time i have this new sort of system or loop that i do where when things like that happen where something or somebody punches right i i punch but not by using like my face or something does that make sense sure i punch another way that's more, like, subtle or, or, like, calculate or something, right? Where somebody, like, fucks me over. I'm not going to, I'm not going to fuck them over.

I'm going to, this is a, you're going to dismantle them. Yeah. Like, don't lose. Yeah. You're, yeah, I'm with you. We could get into that, too. That's, that's a cold anger. It's not a hot.

Okay. Right? But the anger is still there, my friend. right it's just it's just not you're not going to hit back you're going to say out and then you're going to figure out how to dismantle me all the time that that's interesting then yeah yeah i like that thought yeah that's still anger i like that yep because sometimes i'll like i guess falsely uh tell myself i'll be like nah man like that you know that's you're not doing it out of anger you know, like, I'm just doing that because it's the right thing or like I'm, I'm giving myself like a self-righteous

at angle, but it's still, it's still trash, you know? No, it may not be trash. Okay. That's a whole different issue, right? So what your actions may be just, but your actions being just and whether there's anger there or separate, separate questions. Mm-hmm. Right? Because if I smack you across the face, like you hurting me in some way could be just.

But I think it doesn't surprise me that you don't feel anger, but it's a cold fury. Because I think the bigger thing is like, so anyway, so I think there are like two general directions, Felix, that you need to go. Three, actually. So one, you're already doing a really good at. And that's to learn and analyze your systems, which I think you've done a phenomenal job. I don't think we could have gotten this far in the conversation unless you had a pretty good attention to the systems that you develop over time, even if they don't make perfect sense to you, you know what they are, at least, which is awesome. So continue learning, because there may be subtleties which are not.

Second thing is, I think at some point you've got to settle this shit with your dad. And that could be through a conversation with him. It could be through therapy. It could be through any number of things. But this thing is not at peace. Right? Like there's something about, like, you still accept his view on some level. And that needs to be dealt, like, done aware of it.

The third thing is that I think you need to better understand what you're a moment. emotions are and what you're feeling. Because I think you've got all kinds of stuff when you talk about these thought loops. I think the fuel for those kinds of thought loops and negative thought patterns comes from, because you call them thought, right? All you experience is the thoughts, but like, where is the fuel for that coming from? It's probably coming from suppressed amusing. Yeah. And so the third kind of dimension for your growth is to like, you know, to put it bluntly, get in touch with your feelings. And I don't know if you're like in a romantic relationship. or what the deal is there.

But like when it comes to those, like, you know, getting this shit in order is like really important to having like a healthy romantic relationship. Because unless you know like when she, he or she does something that upsets you, like if you don't feel that upset and can't vocalize that to her, you're just going to dismantle her or him, depending on what your sexual preferences. Okay. You know, and so we can talk about relationships or whatever at a different point. But does that make sense?

Like you've got to know like what's going on. Yeah, it makes sense. I understand. Thoughts or questions before we wrap up? No, I think I understand. Yeah, these things make sense. The takeaways from today? You mind if I ask?

Wait, what time is it? I don't know. Do you want to keep talking? Feels like we've been out of the one. Oh, I didn't look at the time. I lost like a good time. I enjoyed that. That was really good.

Not really. I mean, I have like, it's almost like every topic has like a bunch of branches. I was like, oh, I could go that. This is that. Okay. What we're doing? Instead. This is that. Okay. And, and, you know, I, I feel, I feel complete. But does that I understand? There's still a lot left to talk about. Yeah, it's okay, though. Yeah. I was wondering if you could try to summarize, because, like, you know, people are watching. Like, what do you think, what do you think are some highlights? Like, what do you think are some of the key points? What are the, not the branches, but like,

you know, the big stems that then could be explored. The big stems that can be explored. Yeah, what are the things that you took away from the conversation, if anything? Oh, okay. I think sometimes you say something, right? Like a statement. And it kind of simplifies my viewpoint on it. Like, I'll, like, overcomplicate something or I'll see, like, in a weird way.

And then you will say, like, oh, like, you're like when you said it. that's still anger, right? It's such a simple answer, but it's just like a simple thought, but it resonates a lot. And there's a couple things that you said like that. Like, oh, like earlier when you said, oh, that's pain, but you say, you say in another way or something. Like, and these things are easy to, easy to take home.

Okay. Because, yeah, I like that a lot. it simplifies it makes it way more approachable mentally like it's not oh it's not all broken or it's not like a it's not it's not complicated it's like a crazy process it's as simple as you know that's just a feeling or just that yeah okay thanks for sharing um yeah do you no go ahead no i was just saying nothing um i was going to say so sometimes i teach people meditation are you interested than that? I'm not really good at it.

Where I used to do, maybe you've heard about this before, since you're in that sort of feel, but I did biofeedback and neurofeedback. Uh-huh. You ever heard about that? Yep.

Okay. And I had to learn how to like breathe and sort of meditated. Because they kind of go like hand in hand, right? Yeah. Like breathing properly. Like what was it called again? I think, when you breathe,

when you breathe through like the bottom of the lungs or something. Abdominal breathing? Yeah, that. Okay, so you're not good at it. Yeah. I'm not good at getting a hold of my thoughts. Like if I'm... Okay, okay.

Now you put it this way. Ready? This is a little bit of a different time. I don't want to avoid your time. Is this going to take too long? No, go for it. I mean, yeah, are you like on a set schedule? It's like very tight.

Let me check. real quick. Sure. And don't worry if it is. I'm not going to get mad. It's like a. No, no, I appreciate your consideration, man. Yeah, sure. It's very kind of you. Nope, we're good. Okay. So, um, are you familiar with a Tetris syndrome or whatever? Tetris syndrome? Yeah. No. Where you do an action, uh, for so long and so much time in one day or a couple days

that even when you're not doing it, it's still happening in your head. Okay. Like, like, I've been playing a lot of chess on and offstream. And the entire time we talked today, like the entire time,

I had pieces I could visibly see, like, almost in my vision. And they just kept moving the whole time. And I kept, like, practicing, like, a certain move or something. Does that make sense? Yep.

Like, it's, like, it's so vivid that it's, like, it's always there, right? And I do that with like streaming and playing games. So even when I'm not doing them, it's like always happening. Like I keep playing in my head. Like it's it's always there. So whenever I try to like meditate or calm down, it's really hard to not think about anything or think about something and just kind of like let things flow, you know,

without being completed, disrupted by my. head just playing that game again or or doing that action that I did all day. It's just so overwhelming. Right. So it's all. Yeah. Okay. Thanks for sharing that. Very helpful. It's kind of hard. It's kind of hard to get hold of my thoughts whenever I try to like calm and chill. Like it gets out of control really fast. I think the problem is not that you need to get a hold of your thoughts. I think you need to let him go. Okay. That's why you're not good at meditating because meditating is not about holding onto your thoughts. It's about letting them go. It's like you're moving in the opposite direction. Okay. Right? It's sort of like, you know, so Felix, how do you go to

sleep? I usually just exhaust myself. I can't, I haven't really, I actually gone to sleep in, I don't know, the longest time. Yeah. I just, yeah. Right. So, so sleep is not something that you can do. it's something that you have to like it like it has to happen to you right so sleep is not about you don't go to sleep you let sleep take you and what you have to do to let sleep take you is to be very very exhausted otherwise sleep won't come and take you does that make sense you don't do it it it does you like it's the other way around yeah and so i think you absolutely need to meditate but you need to meditate in the opposite direction from what you're trying to do and i just need a second to think about how to do that i have a particular time

technique that I think would work very well for you. It's just we can't do it on stream as the problem. Okay. What is it? So what I tell people to do is like, so I, you know, I used to teach this stuff in a hospital, like in my office. And so what I would do is take people down to the cafeteria of the hospital. And I tell them to close their eyes and listen to as many sounds that they hear as quickly as they can for a short amount of time as possible. So just listen to like a glass clinking over here. someone's on their phone, someone's walking by, someone spilled something, there's a baby crying, someone, you know, banged silverware together, there's a cash register that dinged, there's another cell phone, someone's coming down the stairs, there's an elevator that beeped, you know, there's

something's moving over here, there's a dog barking, and just to listen to as many sounds as you can as quickly as you can. Okay. If you want to meditate, what you need to do is not slow your mind down, you need to speed it up. okay so there's a there's a good kind of saying in meditation which is how do you get a monkey to sit still which is like hard to translate into the west because we don't have monkeys um and and you know if you want a monkey to sit still what you have to do is exhaust it right you can't like force a monkey you can't hold it in place it's just going to go crazier and crazier and crazier and so what

we need to do for you to meditate is for meditation to take you you need to exhaust your mind and I almost say like let me just think I mean do you want to try something or you're okay just I mean I'm not trying to pressure you I just want to know where you are anything I don't mean

okay we can do whatever so what does that do when you think about a lot of sounds what does that do? I'm going to show you just give me a second I think showing you is going to be way easier than telling you

I just have to think about how much to engage your mind. Okay. So I want you to sit up straight. Let me think. Let me think. We don't want to overdo it. That's okay. Maybe he'll be easier.

So I wonder if doing things with your body is going to be easier. Are you stay? Yeah. Yeah. How tall? You're tall? Yeah, I'm 60. Okay.

Sure. we can do something standing. So, okay, let's do something standing. All right. Okay. All right.

So it's going to be really simple. Let's just see what happens, okay? Okay, sounds good. So I was asking you to sit up straight, but you're standing now, so let's run with it. What does that mean sit up straight? It means just sit with your back straight.

That's okay. Don't worry about it. No, it's just showing. Is it the benefit if I stand out of them? No, no, no. We're going to run with it. I think this is great. Okay, I'm going to stand up to you.

I just language barrier. I didn't get it. I can, it's not a big deal. Okay. So this is what I want you to do. So stand up straight. Yeah. Feet together.

Arms by your side. And then I want you to, as you inhale, I want you to raise your arms. And then the top of the top. So I was close my eyes. I don't know why with my eyes. Okay, I'll close your eyes. It's fine. All right.

All right. And then exhale. And as you exhale, I want you to bring your arms down to where when you fully exhale, your arms can be at the bottom. So you want to match the inhalation with the, match the movement of your arms with your breath. Okay. Okay. So yeah. Breathe in and then out.

Okay. Way too fast. So too fast. Yeah. Okay. So I want you to look at the pacing of my arms and follow your breath along. Sure. Now, is your breath matching your arms or no?

No. So you've got to focus on them. Yeah? Yeah. So your arms should not be moving. Your arms should only be moving while we're breathing in or out. Okay. And when I was about this one, I was already done.

Yeah. So then you need to slow down your breath. Okay. I'll do more. Slown down your breath? That was perfect. Huh? That was perfect.

Okay. So close your eyes. and do five on your movement, okay? Keep them slow. Good, again. Keep going. Now keep your arm movements even, so you can't speed up or slow down.

It has to be even with your breath the entire time. Again, good. Keep going. And now I want you to tell me, as you're keeping track of your breath and your arms, I want you to tell me about which chest moves you see in your mind. Do you see chest moves in your mind? fine? No. I didn't sit for a while. Think about them and continue doing the practice.

Try to call a chess game. Keep your breath even, keep your arms even. Think about chess. Keep your arms and breath slow. Keep it even and think about chest at the same time. Too fast. Slow down. Slow breath. Slow, slow, slow, slow, slow, slow, slow, even arms. Even and slow. Yeah, good. happening. I'm failing. Good. Why? So, I'm doing one or the other robotically. So let your full attention return to the breath. Arms out. Slow. Even. And then down, smooth. Notice that your arm may be getting tired. So be it. We're going to do three more. As slowly, smoothly, and evenly as you can. And out. Again, and out. And last one. slow, smooth, and even, and out. Let your eyes remain closed. Spread your feet apart a little bit.

And just sit in your mind. Notice the slow natural breath. That your breath is naturally way slower. Focus on the sensation in your arms. And let your attention bounce between your breath and your arms. Whichever one feels better. and let it sit with one for a while, and when it's ready to move, let it move.

Move to something else. If thoughts come, you can notice those thoughts, that the chest pieces come back, let them come back, and then focus on the sensation in your arms. Focus on the slowing of breath. We'll continue for about 30 seconds. When you're ready, go ahead and sit back down, open your eyes

and tell me how you feel that's good what does that mean something weird happened it was kind of like what is that that's what we're here for that means you did it right

okay I just since I was looking for thoughts when I moved away from trying to look for a feeling in my arms or or my chest, whatever. I get like random, random like scenes would like pop my head

and I would just kind of like go along because I knew that it was part of the process and I would move back to my arms again. And then I would think, oh, what I think about last time? And then something would pop up and I'd like, oh, who cares what I thought about last time? And I'm thinking about this now. So another scenery in my head or another object or

things going on and then back of my arms and then I kind of let go or so I don't know I I can find I kind of felt uh yeah like I just give I kind of I kind of give importance to those things I'm thinking about what I'm looking for right now and not like some other shit good so that's focusing of attention now let me ask you what was your mind doing while we were doing the breathing and moving of the arms that was odd I don't know why I'm like this but

I always like process images all the time I have like visuals in my head like I've talked about it a lot today I think if I talk about something I tell you what I see

like I always have like a drawing almost or like something that displays whatever is going on and whenever I do doing my arms up I couldn't something about a robot trying to synchronize both, right? And I can see like, I could see like notches, right? Like one, two, three, four, almost like a clock.

Right. And that's what I was thinking about the whole time. I was like, oh, but what about the breathing though? Okay, but what about the notches? And I'm trying to like sink both. And because I was having those thoughts, I couldn't sink them. Beautiful. Okay.

So let me explain something to you. So everyone thinks that meditation is about still. of the mind, right? So if we think about it, like, you're saying that any time I try to steal my mind, it doesn't still I have all kinds of thoughts and all kind of shit is happening. Right? Yeah. Okay.

Okay. Is this pen still? Is now? Yeah. Right? So this is hard for you to do. With me? Okay.

You're not going to understand this in a second. Hopefully this will make sense. For you to meditate, you can never do this. You can't just have something be still. For you to meditate, you need to do. this. Well, if you can't fucking do it, and I won't be able to do it either.

I'm kidding. What's the difference between this and the other thing? Are both of these pens still? Both still, but this one requires like an effort to keep it still, I feel like. Absolutely. This is what you need. Balance.

Not this. This, your mind is going to get fucking bored. And it's going to think about a thousand different things. And people who tried to teach you how to meditate, they taught you this. You're never going to be successful. meditating like that. This is what you need. Okay? And then what you need to do

is do it while standing on one leg. So your meditation, your stillness of the mind, because the pen is still in both ways. People think that meditation is stillness that comes through no effort. For you, Felix, it must come through maximal effort. Yeah. And if you can fully engage your mind,

it's not about stopping your mind. It's about pushing it to its very limit. And so I think like that's that was the goal. And I think you were even doing it because you were bouncing between focusing on the breath and focusing on the robot. You see that? And then even at the end, I told you bounce between the breath and the sensation in your arms. You must bounce. And you were like, what does that mean?

It's exactly what you were doing before. That's what I was telling you to do. Bounce between the two. Your meditation or your stillness is going to come. through rhythm and balance, not through like sitting still. It's still still, though, right? There's no movement. It's just a completely different thing. It's going to come through balance. And so you need to bounce back and forth as much as you can. And the cafeteria exercise, which you can't do now because of COVID, that too is about bouncing between as many things as you can, as quickly as you can.

And in between all of that, you'll find stillness. Okay, so, okay, is there's, is there something as like too fast? Because sometimes I have like, there isn't? Nope. If it's too, there's no such thing as too fast. The only thing that there is is not fast enough. Okay. So you need to push your mind until you are exhausted.

Okay. Because I remember reeling back one time where I was like, I was thinking about stuff, right, when we're doing it. And I was like, um, wait, that's like unreasonable. I'm going too fast now. For some reason, my mind was just going faster. And I was like, okay, chill, man. Whatever you were thinking about, think about it a little more.

And then we'll go through the breath. So I have to not do that then. Well, so what we do want you to do is return to things. It's not about speed. It's about not returning. Okay. Right? So return to your breath.

Return to the sensation. Let your mind go somewhere and bring it back. Meditation for you should be about anchor and balance, not about stillness. Okay. Okay? And in terms of a technique, you can try to do this technique. You can also try... Let me just think.

I would literally say what you should do is like, you should do like more martial arts-oriented meditation. I think that'll work better for you. So I'd say like learn how to balance a pen. Or learn... And then once you get good at this, then do it on one foot. So you should be stable. I'm going to teach you something.

I forget what pose. This is in one second. I mean, I got a, okay. That's right. No, one second. Hold on, hold on. You can sit here. That's fine. You can sit. I just, Daddy needs to demonstrate something, okay? You can sit. I have no problem if you sit.

You continue sitting. No problem. Okay, hold on. Okay. So I want you to do, I don't know if this is the tree pose, right? So I want you to do this. Do you do yoga? I don't do yoga. So tree posts. This? Yep.

Oh, whoa. What, I mean you're going to balance. Why can that bounce on that? Hold it. Put your hands in Namaste above your head. And hold it. Close your arm. This?

Like this. Arm strength. What? Like this? No, no. So I'm just, I can't squat. Yeah. Yeah.

So put the leg in. And then with your upper arms do this. Yep. Good. And hold it. So close your eyes. What's your mind doing? Balancing it.

I'm not getting visual stimuli. I'm fucking it up. Is it... and am I being able to balance it? No, no. If you're not getting visual stimuli, that's what we want. Why much about this? Open your eyes. It'll get easier. Okay. Okay. So now is your mind wandering? Are you thinking about things? Yeah.

Okay, close your eyes. What's happening to the thoughts? I can't think about it. I'm thinking about balancing. There you go. That's what you need to do. Open. Open. Okay. See, the thoughts come right back. They'll come back in a second. Give them a second. They'll come back. Thoughts come back. Yeah, no, no other back. Close them. Make them go away. Close them. Try to hang on to them. Try to hang on to the thoughts as long as you can.

I haven't. No, I'm gone. I'm going. Good. Bouncing back and forth. Balance. Open your eyes. Do this. Yeah, now I'm thinking about the cold, less of the blood in my hands, and how they feel empty. Good. Now I'm back to...

Now I'm bound. So, so that's still... Focusing on a sensation is not the same... Oh, shit. Hold on. Ovi... Okay, one second, baby. Oh, I gotta go.

Because this kid's going crazy. But... I get it down. If you don't get or you have questions, DM me afterward, okay? Sure. Sounds good. Avie, can I just take you back for a second? Yeah.

Okay, so let's give Xx. Excuse you some love. Thanks a lot, man. It was a pleasure meeting you, bro. Sure, man. I'll see you on. Thanks for having me on. Yeah, of course. And let me know if you want to follow up at some point or you have additional questions. Of course. Sure, man. Okay. Well, thanks when we do this. I wish a lot. Yeah. Thank you for coming on, bro. Have a good day. Okay. Twitch chat. I shall be right back. Okay. I have to just go deposit this one. And then we'll close up. Just give me a second.