HealthyGamerGG - Should I Text Them Back?

Episode Date: April 19, 2022

Today Doctor K talks about what to do when your ex texts you, how to know if you should text them back, self respect, and more Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

There's a reason why we end up in these situations. We're not looking, we're not running around trying to be disrespectful to ourselves. At the end of the day, self-respect is about who controls your happiness in life. So whether you're happy or unhappy is dependent on her. Kissing you, cuddling you, then blocking you for five months without any kind of explanation is not an acceptable thing to do as a boyfriend, girlfriend, or friend. It's not an acceptable way to behave as a human being. The truth of the matter is that sometimes we're sort of not star with perfection, but like addicted or have some kind of really important emotional need met by another human being.

So how the hell do you have self-respect? Like where does self-respect even come from? What is it? She unblocked me after almost five months. Hi everyone. My year-long friendship has ended about five months ago. I thought we fit perfectly. Same interests, the same sense of humor, and similar life goals. We used to spend almost every weekend together going out, watching movies, and cooking together. This was easily the best relationship I have ever had. Fast forward to five months ago. This entire breakup situation lasted about a week. It all started with her giving me mixed signals, flirting, wanting me to stay longer, staying

overnight, touching, kissing, cuddling, you choose. After one of our cuddling sessions after I came back home, she sent me a wall of text saying that everything between us was wrong and that we shouldn't have done that and we are better off cutting all contact. After that, she blocked me literally everywhere. WhatsApp, Snapchat, Facebook, phone number, I was devastated to say the least. Spent countless hours crying, not eating anything and skipping my workouts. Started to look like a zombie, lost 15 KGs of weight in a month, and lost interest in anyone and everything.

It took me two months to start doing stuff. It's been three months since then, and I was desperately trying to forget her. But, well, that didn't work. She has been in my head every day for the duration of these five months, both daily and at night. I learned how to live without her sort of and accepted the fact that we will never meet or talk again. Fast forward to yesterday. I saw that she unblocked me everywhere. First, I thought it might have been an accident, but there are way too many steps to unblock someone for it to be

random. I couldn't resist and texted her yesterday, didn't get any response, but she didn't block me again, so I guess my theory of randomness has been debunked. I'm pretty much sure she has seen the message because she was online a couple of times during the day. Should I wait and hope she will eventually answer? I think you don't unblock someone after such time for no reason. Am I right? I really want it to work out again because I know I haven't done everything perfectly in the past. this whole situation just confuses me and doesn't let me function normally. All righty. So we're going to go to the comments a little bit.

So top comment. Have some self-respect. If she wants to talk to you, she will. Don't build your identity around someone who discards you when it's good for her. Being desperate is repelling. Okay? Hey, her name. Do you want to talk about things between us?

Life is short. short, I'm well assured. Okay. So two options, right? One is have some self-respect. So what I want to talk to you all about today is how does one develop self-respect? What does that even mean, right? Because we find ourselves in this situation, unfortunately. And like when you say have some self-respect, like, it's such a damning judgment, right? So like, let's start by understanding that there's a reason why we end up in these situations. We're not looking, we're not running around trying to be disrespectful to ourselves. The truth of the matter is that sometimes we form relationships with people and that this relationship can feel amazing. It's

the best relationship I've ever had. Like, I connect with this person. The truth of the matter is that sometimes we're sort of not starved for affection, but like addicted or have some kind of really important emotional need met by another human being. We can feel loved. We can feel enjoyable. We can feel like, oh my God, this is amazing. I enjoy spending every moment with this person. That's not a lack of self-respect, right? That's like being in love. That's not a bad thing. And then something can happen. You know, this person blocks you after sending you mixed signals and stuff. That sounds quite traumatic. And when we get something pulled away from us dramatically, like when something is really great in my life,

and I really enjoy hanging out with this person. We watch movies. There's also kissing cuddling. Like, it's moving in the right direction. I'm getting a little bit excited. Like, where is this going to go? Like, I'm not really sure. And then suddenly, like, this person is taken out of our life.

And we've been with this person for a year. Like, they've been our best friend for a year. It's absolutely traumatic. And we always want to, like, go back to what we've lost, right? And this is not something, I mean, this person isn't pathetic or anything like that. I really don't believe that. because you have, you know, kids who do this with parents all the time, where parent is withholding of affection. Doesn't tell my kid, I love you.

Or, you know, you have the typical Asian parents. No racial offense here, but I recently stumbled upon Asian parent subreddit. But, you know, there are a lot of stories in there about, like, parents who withhold affection unless you get A pluses and are the smartest kid in the class. And despite the fact that these people hurt us. we are wired to try to get them back, to try to win them over. So it's like it's a reasonable situation to be in. But, you know, there's something that kind of like resonates with like have some self-respect. So we can say that, right?

I'm not saying, I mean, that was the up top comment. The other comment was good too. It's like, hey, try to talk to or try to resolve things, right? Like communicate. That's what we do at HG. We engage with our problems. But then the problem is that like no one ever tells you, like, how do you get self-respect, right? Have some self-respect. It's like, oh, shit, I forgot to pick, oh, let me, like,

go to Home Depot and pick that, pick up, oh, yeah, self-respect. Where can I find? Oh, aisle two, let me go pick that up. Okay, now I've got it. Easy, done, fixed, saved. So how the hell do you have self-respect? Like, where does self-respect even come from? What is it? Okay. So the first thing to understand is that when you're in a situation like this and people say have some self-respect. Understand what your emotional needs are, which are like completely legit, okay? Just like, you met this person, and she's, is it a she? I'm not even sure. Let's assume heteronormative for a second. I think we did, right? Yeah, she unblocked me. Okay. So, like, that's normal for you to want that, right? You want everything that you've had before.

So when we don't, when we lack self-respect, what we tend to end up doing, in essence, what a lack of self-respect is, is chasing after happiness from another human being at the cost of ourselves. So we're looking from a benefit for a benefit from another person. And we are willing to sacrifice our dignity to get that benefit. right so like I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get this job I will do your dry cleaning I will take out your trash I will I will plunge your toilet for you if you need to whatever it takes to win you over so we sacrifice of ourselves to get happiness from another person and so why do we call this a lack of self-respect because now this person is thinking oh she unblocked me let me message her should I do this should I do this should I do this

And what it is is this person is addicted to what the other person provides. Right? So they're willing to debase themselves. I'll message her again. I mean, they're not willing to do this, right? Because it sounds like they sent one message. They're being very introspective. They're reaching out for help.

They're doing everything right. This is actually really awesome. But when we think about the classic person who has no self-respect and comes crawling back, right? Because she really hurt you. What she did was not okay. Like kissing you, cuddling you, then blocking you for five months without any kind of explanation is not an acceptable thing to do as a boyfriend, girlfriend, or friend. It's not an acceptable way to behave as a human being.

She may have been feeling anxious. She may have been feeling confused and all that kind of good stuff. So generally speaking, when people say have some self-respect, what they're pointing out is that you are letting other people mistreat you. You are letting other people do things that are unacceptable and you are not holding them accountable. Why don't we hold them accountable? Because we want what they're selling. I want to see those movies again. I want to cuddle again.

I want to talk again. I want my partner back. I want my best friend back. And so I'm willing to sacrifice whatever it takes to get them back. That's when your self-respect goes. So what is self-respect? How do you get it? So right now you're willing to sacrifice yourself to get happiness from outside of you.

And without that happiness from outside of you, you're going to feel alone. You're going to feel hungry, right? Because you don't have all of those things. So self-respect is actually choosing pain. Self-respect is saying that, you know what? I'm not going to let myself have her again. Right? I'm going to give her up.

Like she blocked me, but I have held on to her. And we sort of see this because this is like, I haven't been able to get her out of my thoughts. You don't get her out of your thoughts. You give her up or you let her live there rent free for a while and you just tolerate it. Right? She's living there rent free. And you're just like, okay, I'm not going to try to give her up. This is the price that I pay for getting attached to her.

I think this is the issue is that at the end of the day, self-respect is about who controls your happiness in life. and when you surrender that control to another human being, even if you're addicted to it, I can understand. When you're addicted to the happiness that she provides and you let her dictate the terms of the relationship, what you're doing is you're putting your happiness in her hands. So whether you're happy or unhappy is dependent on her. There's still a choice there.

And it's does she message you back or does she not message you back? So you're surrendering that control. And that's when other people, when one human sees another human being surrender their self-control, that's when they tell them to have some self-respect. So how do you get your self-respect? You take that control back. Why is it hard to take that control back?

Because oftentimes, taking that control back comes with pain. I'm not saying that you should block her, but you tell yourself, I'm not going to message her again, right? Whatever it is, you take control of the relationship. You take control of your own feelings, even if it means choose. the painful route. So like when we think about the phrase dignity, right, like to live with dignity is to not, is oftentimes to choose things that are painful. Right. So if someone comes up to me and says, I'll pay you $10 million if you let me take a picture of your scrotum. And it's like,

I'm going to say no. But they're like, what about the benefit? That's exactly the point, is that the benefit can be whatever it is. I am choosing to keep. control over my life. Sorry, bad example. What a terrible idea. Right? My point is like, don't like turn down the money, right? Like, whatever it is, turn down the happiness. Like, you should retain control of yourself, even if it means a path of pain. Right? So, like, when you choose to act in accordance with your values and you say like, like, even if it's my choice, even if it hurts, it's my choice. And so the challenge here is that like, you've got to choice. You can either give her up or you can give yourself up. And that's fundamentally what a lack of

self-respect is. It's when you give yourself up for the sake of another person. You surrender your happiness to like her texts. Whether she texts you or not determines whether you're happy or not. And then we say like that's a lack of self-respect. So how do you stop that? You take control. Taking control means giving her up. Right. So do you want to have, do you, do you deserve? because this is where the self-respect comes from. Because if you respect yourself, do you deserve someone who will treat you this way? Or do you deserve someone better?

Because if you let someone mistreat you and you think of yourself as low, then that's okay. But if you deserve better, then you're going to move on because that's the end of it. But I want her. I miss her. Okay. So what?

But it'll hurt to not have her. Okay. So it'll hurt. accept it. That's life. That's what living life with dignity is. Dignity comes with pain. Doesn't come with pleasure. People who seek pleasure don't lead dignified lives. Quite the opposite. When we're chasing dopamine or drugs or materialistic things or the respect of random people on the internet, right? When we chase after those things and we'll do whatever it takes to get other people to like us, that is the degradation of self-respect.

When you place someone else's opinions and view of yourself above your own. And so you say, I'll do whatever it takes to get you to like me. Then you lose your self-respect. And so why is it hard to get self-respect? Because you have to pay the price of other people not liking you. You have to give up whatever the fuck this was that you had with this girl, which I still don't understand what that was. Right.

It sounded like a friendship that was turning into a romantic relationship. She doesn't know how to communicate. This is where, like, I don't disagree with the second person who's like, you know, give her a chance to talk, which I think is fine if that's really what you want to do. But you need to be centered before you have that conversation, man. You need to be prepared to reject her before you have that conversation. You need to be prepared to hold her accountable for her actions. Because if you don't do that, then you're signing yourself up for this all over again. because unless there's accountability for her actions,

and I know this is like a man talking about a woman, but it definitely goes both ways, or homosexually or whatever, one human to another. If someone treats you wrong in a relationship, you need to be prepared to hold them accountable. And if you don't hold them accountable, don't expect the behavior to change.

And so then, like, you know, you're going to come groveling back. Like, you know, I understand why you do it. I don't think less of you for doing it, by the way, which I know sounds weird. because that's a need that we have, right? We're addicted to that love. We're addicted to that warmth.

We really want it so bad that we're willing to sacrifice anything. That doesn't mean that we're pathetic. That just means that that's some damn addictive relationship stuff there, right? So we need to respect that as external observers. We need to respect that this person's choice is actually very hard. It's easy for me to say, helps some self-respect, man,

when I'm not the one that was cuddling with her, right? I'm not the one that was watching movies with her. I don't know any of that benefit. I watch a movie. I'm like, what? So we're all willing to debase ourselves for like some of that sweet, sweet, whatever the hell that is. So have some compassion for randoms on the internet who are like making bad choices, right?

It's not easy to make. Why do people make bad choices? Because they're easy. That's why we make the bad choices. Because they're the easier choice. Well, we're going to blame these people for making bad choices. We're making them right and left, center all the time. So how do you get self-respect?

It's simple. Choose the path of pain. Give things up if they don't make you behave in a way that you are comfortable with. Don't let people mistreat you, even if they're like crack cocaine. Right? And that's like literally what we see with like drug addicts, is that they will be willing to debase themselves to get that next fix. And that's just a drug.

What if it's like love and cuddling and movies? Like, holy crap, man. That's just not a hit a dopamine. That's like feeling loved, y'all. That's what this person has to give up. That's the price of self-respect. So it's a hard choice to make. Don't get me wrong.

How do you make it? You recognize that this is not the way that do you deserve to be treated this way? Yes or no? Because if you respect yourself, the answer to that question is yes. And if, I'm sorry, you don't deserve to be treated that way. Then the answer to that question is no, if you respect yourself. right? I do not deserve to be treated this way. Then you have to have the balls of the ovaries or whatever you're going out of choices to hold that person accountable. And holding that person

accountable sometimes means giving her up. Does it mean blocking her? Sure, if that's what you need to do. Does it mean a conversation? Sure. Does it mean a conversation where you say, hey, by the way, what you did was kind of fucked up. It really hurt me a lot. I'm incredibly angry with you. Oh, I'm sorry. How can I make it up to you? Invent a time machine, go back in time, and don't do it. But I can't do that. Yeah. The hurt that you set my way is irreparable. It's done. Right? Like, not all hurts can be repaired. So like, look, people are saying base Sigma Chadmoot. Look, y'all, it's just respect yourselves, right? Don't let people mistreat you. Don't blame yourself if you let misreat you. That's an important point.

Because I understand that if you let people mistreat you, there's got to be a damn good reason. Human being self-respect is a natural state of things. Right? But like, dude, come on, man. Like, for those of y'all that don't treat yourself with respect, I don't know how old this person is. But like, do you all, I mean, I remember what it was like to be 21. I remember what it was like to be 24. I remember what it was like to be 27. you're not like that high level yet.

So you're going to be making these mistakes. It's okay to make these mistakes. Right? That self-respect comes with time. It comes with sacrifice, really. Because it's like, it's really powerful to say to something up. Like I cannot, if you guys want to talk about meditation, we'll talk about fasting. So like to give something up is the first step to self-respect.

This is why fasting is a thing in religious traditions. There are multiple reasons, but that's one of them. I think what started to happen is people have lost sight of why we fast to begin with. She's like, I'm going to give something up for Lent, for example, in the Catholic Church. It's not like, okay, I'm going to get like, we're not going to eat fish for a month. So like, let's just eat lots of other delicious food. No, that's like missing the point. The whole point is self-deprivation.

The whole point is I want this thing and I am not going to have it. The whole point is that I choose what I do. and I'm not going to let the temptation of an external substance, usually we're talking about food, right, with fasting, dictate my life. And is it going to suck? Sure. Is it going to be less tasty?

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