HealthyGamerGG - Sky Williams Pt. 1 (@sky_mp3)

Episode Date: January 2, 2020

Dr.K talks with Sky Williams about fixing "unfixable" problems. Watch the interview on our YouTube page (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5fkQNSaojI) and catch Dr.K live on Twitch (https://www.twitch.tv/healthygamer_gg) - Wednesdays & Fridays at 3PM EST and Sundays at 6PM EST. Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Who hurt you so bad that there is no way to apologize for what they did? There's no way to fix that hurt. Where did you learn in the core of your being that there are some wounds that will never be healed? Holy shit. So, Sky, tell me a little bit about, first of all, thank you for coming on. You're welcome. And so tell me a little bit about what we're talking about today and how Twitch chat and I can help you, if anything. What are you talking about today?

Well, I honestly don't even really know because I, you know, I guess depression sucks, right? Like everybody kind of feels that and anxiety is terrible. Sure. There isn't anything really like specific, I guess. I wouldn't really even know what to target. Okay, fine. Is it okay? So we, I exchanged a couple of DMs with you and is it okay if I share,

some of those because I think that may give us a direction. Yeah. Okay. So you kind of said like, hey, like I have maybe some depression or anxiety, but I even feel like the problems are like unfixable. There's something about this that's impossible to be fixed. Yes. And I think a lot of people feel that way. So if it's okay with you,

can we just start there? Sure. What do you think is unfixable? Yeah, go for it. Sorry? Oh, yeah. Also like, yeah, I'm a completely open book, so I won't struggle to talk about any topic. Okay. Thank you for that, man. Just like, you know, I guess like, I just feel that at this point of my life that I've corrupted so many people in my like close friend group or my friend group in general that

the habits that I've picked up to survive are so toxic that I don't know if they could be like etched out of my mind. And it makes me feel like I just, I guess I'm just going to be. trash now. Like, you know, like, you made it bad hard. You gotta just suck now. Yeah. So if it's okay with you, that's what we're going to talk about.

Okay. Because that sounds, that sounds, you know, way more real than depression and anxiety. Right. So somewhere along the way, like, you've realized that you have some kind of toxic patterns and that they're so ingrained. They're so, they're etched so deeply within you that you're fucking your S-O-L. Yeah, I am. So I actually think that I think I'm not being one of the most toxic people on earth.

I'm not even kidding. Okay. It's bad. Why do you think that? Can we talk about that? Is that okay? Sure, yeah. Yeah.

Well, I don't naturally like have empathy. I'm not really good at that. Sure. And. it. What does that mean not being good at empathy? Like, I just don't like I, whenever, whenever I need something from anyone, no matter what it is, it's like my mind goes into this mode where it's just like, let me get something from someone and then like, we'll save them later, we'll help later, but I don't even know if I even believe that. And then I get what I need and then I'm fine. But then the aftermath is me just feeling shitty about it later. But I don't know what's. It's weird. Why do you feel shitty about it? Well, normally I don't feel guilt for many things, not too many things.

Like I, you know, obviously, like, I'm a person that doesn't really live with regrets. If I do something bad, it's like in that moment that I did that thing bad, it is what I wanted to do. So it's hard for me to regret it because it was like, well, that was my choice that I made there. But I feel bad about it because, like, all these people that they just want to help me. And then I take their help and I just... I just piss it away and then I'm back in the same problems over and over and over again

and that's why I feel like I'm corrupting people like these people are giving me their hearts and their minds and sometimes their wallets and they just there's no return. They're just trusting something happens and then nothing happens.

How do you know that nothing? Okay, how do you know that nothing happens? I look at my YouTube channel and I see like a devoid of content. And what's worse is that when I do make content, it's either half-assed or it's me crying about something or it's like a sponsored video. And I'm not really creating the thing that put me on the platform in the first place.

And then, you know, I'm in the same situations because I'm not actually making the proper changes in my life. I'm just taking what they give me just to feel comfortable for even another week. It's not good at all, though. Okay, Sky. I think, okay, I'm just going to think for a second, okay? That's fine, yeah.

Okay, so let me ask you this. So you say that you're not empathic, right? So a lot of things, you just tossed out a lot, and I thank you for being an open book, because there's some things to me that I can't, put the puzzle pieces together, and I like your help with that. So you say that you're not empathic, but at the same time, it seems very clear to me that you feel like you're corrupting people, and you wouldn't feel that way, and like, you feel

like you're kind of letting people down. Yeah. Right? I mean, big time, really. Yeah, but if you were truly not empathic, then you wouldn't have the feeling of, like, disappointing people. That's, that's true. however, I'm confused in myself because I don't know if I actually care about that or rather I know that I can get canceled.

No, I think you care about that. Because so here's the conflict, okay? So one is you take from others and you don't live up to expectations. They invest in you and you let them down. Right? And then you have some feeling, because you talked about feeling guilty. but then like 30 or 60 seconds later you said I don't regret my decisions because I acknowledge that that's what I want in the moment and that's what I needed. I made the choice that I made.

I'm going to own up to my choice and I don't regret it. And I think when when I put my head in the mindset of someone like that, I can imagine that you feel like that is a lack of empathy. Yes? Yep. Right? I would think so. Yeah. So I think that is actually something that you do to protect yourself from the vast amount of empathy that you have.

Oh, shit. Damn, yeah. I mean, I'm listening. Right? So let's just let's go through the daisy chain, okay? Like, we're going to connect the dots. So dot number one is that people are investing in. People care about me.

People do things for me. I ask them for things and they give me things. right that's dot number one dot number two is I feel like I'm letting them down I feel guilty I feel like they're giving me all this stuff and I'm quote quote pissing it away okay what are you feeling

I'm about to get bodied what does that mean what do you mean you're good and I'm pretty sure that I'm already thinking about things a little different so I just know that I playfully think of everything in my life as a contest. It's really harmless.

Like, if I get full from a burger, I'll be like, damn, that burger just bodied me. Or I just got, you know, I got beat by the burger, right? So it's like, it seems in this discussion, you're going to open me up to a lot of things that I believe are healthy and good, which are things that I haven't considered. So in my head, playfully, I'm just like, I'm about to get absolutely, like, my mind about to get shit on,

which is good. It's a good thing. I really need to be taken down a lot of notches. And I don't think that's your goal. I'm just saying that I think that hearing, accepting another. No, no, no. You don't need to be taken down a lot of notches. You need to be pumped up a lot of notches.

Wow. Oh, that's an... Okay, we're going to get to this. Okay, we're going to get to it. Okay. Okay. So you take from other people. You feel guilty for taking because you piss away what they give you.

And then that hurts. right? Yes. Yeah. Does it? Yeah. Yeah. It does.

I mean, especially with like some of the people being really important to me. So it's like, yeah, it hurts. Yeah. Yeah. So if it hurts, that means you're empathic, actually. Well, there's that. Right? Yeah.

So then comes the protection. So this is where you get the idea that you're not. not empathic because then your mind tries to protect you. It steps in and says, you know what? This hurts. So I don't regret my decisions. Because if I don't regret my decisions, then I don't have to feel hurt. Like,

they're a bunch of suckers. Like, they know I don't deliver. And they give anyway. And so, like, that's on them. Like, I make my choices. I live by it. I'm transparent with them. They know what they're getting themselves into. Is that what you tell

yourself? Yes. I don't think that they're suckers. I think in the moment that I take their help, I really do believe that I can make a change and make a difference. But then the feeling fades like before I go to bed and then it's just the same cycle of. Okay, gotcha. So apologies if I overspoke there. Maybe not that the suckers, but that, you know, there's a certain amount of like,

if you tell yourself that you don't regret your decisions, then like if you do away with regret, like guilt goes with it. Does that make sense? Yes. So like when you tell yourself that, then it's like, I don't have to feel guilty because like this is just who I am.

And then like, I mean, I think you're actually deeply empathic and I think you're very worried about what you're doing to people because you use the word corrupt. Like you feel like you're like, you're, like, that's not, a sociopath doesn't think that they're corrupting anyone. They just don't give a shit.

Right? Like, you're concerned, you're concerned about what you're doing to people. Yes. I am definitely concerned. Yeah, and I mean, I guess that, that just, I'm thinking about this a lot, so. Take your time. Never really, I think the only, the only reason why I keep, I was diagnosed with antisocial disorder when I was 15.

And so ever since then, I've kind of had this idea. I was like, okay, well, I'm defective. So, and many of the things I think about are just, like, not normal. I can definitely level with you on the empathy thing. And I do care, but I don't know. My mind is just kind of. Okay. That's okay.

We're here, Sky. So we're going to work through that, okay? You need a minute? No, no, I'm good. Okay. So, so I think that I can understand why someone would have diagnosed you. They wouldn't have diagnosed you with antisocial personality disorder. It would have been conduct disorder if you're 15.

But I think that there's a part of you that feels like you take advantage of people and that you manipulate people. Oh, I mean, I know it. Yeah. So, so I think that's what people think of that makes you kind of antisocial or, like, sociopathic because you take advantage. of other people. And then you have the best of intentions, then you wake up the next day and you don't honor your thing. So that's kind of like where the antisocial kind of stuff comes.

Okay? Yeah, I have the best of intentions for what I'm preserving. Like, what does that mean? That's the, it means that like, like I've been, the lifestyle I live is what requires all this help,

which is, um, a lifestyle of using what now little money I have to support. all of my best friends living with me. And so it's like, I've done that ever since the beginning of YouTube, even a little before I worked like three jobs, because I don't actually spend a lot of money on myself. So I figured that, you know, when YouTube first started for me and I was making a decent amount of money, besides giving it to my mom, I was like, oh, let's get a place like, you guys are my friends and I don't want to live with strangers and this is fun. but then of course like when you just baby them and you give them a bunch of stuff and you pay for all their bills they don't learn to grow and then eventually if I get depressed they can't help me so other people that I've met through my field would reach out and help

but I would never really be honest about what they were helping which was again this terrible idea of giving my friends everything and bringing them with me everywhere. Yeah. So, so, so let, so sky, that actually makes a lot of sense and we're going to get that in the second. But the first thing is, I'm going to ask you when, so when you think about someone who works three jobs and supports all of their best friends, do you think that that person is, lacks empathy and takes advantage of people? Um, I only feel that way because of what I get out of it. It's like I'm not, I don't think that I'm doing it for their health, because if I was doing it for their health, I feel like I would have motivated them to be better and do more things. But rather like, more like, okay, I don't really want to be in a house by myself because

I don't know how that would be. So let me just fill it with people that I'm familiar with. So what are you looking for there? I mean, at this point, I don't even know. I think right now it's like, I have no idea what I'm looking for. So, Sky, let me ask you something. When did you learn that you are, you disappoint other people? God damn.

Sorry. I'm, I'm, I, okay. Um, geez, probably when I was nine. Yeah, that's when I knew I was a semen demon. As soon as I knew I was gay, I was like, that's it. Like, I, I'm, my, my family, how my fan is Indian, like, Guy in ease and my dad is black and he'd be like, if you're gay, you cannot lay with another man here before he knew that any of us were gay. So it was like, well, there's step one.

And then I didn't want to be a doc. I want to be a comedian instead of ever go to school, just stuff like that. Yeah, so I think this is important because the common thread, and like, I wish I could rewind on Twitch and show you this, but the common thread, and I started like framing questions like this is it's all about not living up to expectations. So you take from others and you assume it's like axiomatic for you, like you accept it as true that you're going to let them down. Like what actually tears you up inside is that you're letting people down.

that like people are donating to your YouTube channel but you're just creating this shitty sponsored content that like aren't even though you stream every day and you're actually still making content and they keep on supporting you you just get confused because you're just letting them down over and over and over again and you're taking advantage of them

and you're corrupting them because why are they investing in you and you're just letting them down and they're just going to get let down and like why don't they stop and run away from you from your like corrupting influence it's because all you are is a disappointment. Yes. Oh, my God.

Yeah, write that on my gravestone. So that feeling comes from before all of this. Like, this is very important to understand, Sky. That truth, it feels a truth to you that you're just disappointment. Your disappointment walking around. Right? Like that truth is colors everything, all of this evidence that has been thrown your way, where people are saying, Sky, we like you, we love you.

Like, so I rated you the other day and I was watching your stream. It was fucking phenomenal, man. No. It was great. Like, people love you. You're a likable guy. And, and, like, you just can't sit with that. Right.

That thought, and you want these people to come and, like, you open your home to them because, like, you want them to, like, you want them to, like, not be disappointed by you. Yes. I, I see my patterns of what I do. And it's, like, I. I now now unfortunately right because the pattern keeps going no matter how good you are there's going to be diminishing returns if you keep trying to come back to content and then leave so like obviously I'm sure that you've heard this a lot but when it comes to viewership be it on stream or on YouTube whatever you do it is so hard to like fight off the feeling

that you're just a dying artist and A lot of people, if they fall off or their career goes sour, I believe that many people might not understand what happened. But the worst thing for me is that I know what happened. I know why it happened too, right? So here's why it happened because you disappointed people, because you didn't live up to expectations. You weren't good enough.

True. By not coming back and just always saying I'm going to come back and then I don't. But so that's the thing, guys. So I want you to really like stop and think about this for a second, okay? because you have this presumption at the beginning, you have this cheat sheet, which says the answer is that sky is going to disappoint. You've jumped to the end. You know, like, you've watched the climax of the movie. You've watched the end.

The big reveal is that sky disappoints. And so I think the biggest problem, you say you need to get knocked down a couple of notches. No, man. Like, I think you need to understand that you have value and that you don't, like, sure, at times all human beings disappoint other human beings. but Twitch is actually very good at sniffing out bullshit. And if what they see in you is not the act that you make, because I know, like, I think that you're authentic. Oh, yeah, I don't really have a persona.

I'm just the same person. And so, but somewhere along the way, like, you recognize that you're not, you're authentic on stream. And at the same time, like, you don't think you're good enough when everyone is telling you that you are. well because there's there's definitely like there's I guess it's not it's not tangible there's ways that we can determine whether someone is a powerful content creator or not by way of their numbers and what they're pulling and who they're entertaining like yeah I'm I could be really good

but if I'm I used to get you know like 7 9K streams on average and now I'm down to like 1.3 and it's like Scott but yeah. Yeah, okay. So, like, that's fine. So the, the assault on your ego from not being as big as you once were is actually, is completely there. But I think that that is a separate issue from the basic idea that you do not feel like you can live up to expectations. Well, yeah, I mean, people have given me so much shit that it's like, well, better be Donald Glover or else. What do you mean by giving you so much shit? I mean, I've been gifted and granted so much to just survive that, you know, if all these people are going out of their way to help me in the ways that they have, they must believe in me in a way that I don't in myself. So it's like, shit. That's the problem.

Because when they look at you, they believe. When I look at you, I believe. I believe. I don't get that. Right? And you just don't get that. But this is cool, because just think about this for the second sky. Your problem is not that you don't create good content or that other people don't believe in you.

Because, like, how can they believe in you? They can only believe in you because they see something. Like, they don't just walk down the street and they're like, oh, there's some random guy. Let's choose, like, I choose to believe in him. No, they see something. And they're judges, right? Like Twitch, Twitch is, like, very judgmental. And they know what they like and they know what they don't like.

and sometimes people try to manipulate like Twitch, and Twitch doesn't respond well to that. And they see something of value. They see something of real value, which is why they keep coming back. The problem here is that like your success or failure has nothing to do with, I mean, on a very objective sense, of course it has something to do with your viewership and all that stuff.

But like I don't, the core of your problem is that somewhere along the way you decided or you learned that you can't live up to expectations in that at your core, you're a fucking disappointed. And until that goes away, the cool thing is if that can change all of your corruption, all of your negative patterns, they all stem from that. So the corruption is only that I feel that I'll disappoint the people that believe in what I can do? Sort of. So I think the corruption is that like people are investing in you and they're going to be hurt by it. that there's no way that you can you can give them what they deserve.

Yeah. And so they're left. And they're left tainted because they made the mistake to invest in something that is not worth investing in. And something that's always going to come up short. And so they're hurt by association. Right. I mean, and, and, you know, I don't even know if they think that it'll ever be a mistake. Yes.

So good, because it's not about them, Sky. It's about you. They don't even know that they're getting corrupted, right? They don't even know that they're like, like you know they're getting corrupted. They may not, they have no clue. And that's what makes you guilty. That's where the guilt comes from.

Because you're hurting them and they don't realize it. And they keep coming back. And they keep supporting you. And you're hurting them and they keep coming back. Like a dog that's been kicked, they fucking keep coming back. And you keep kicking. Oh, my. Damn.

You gotta bring up the kick dog, damn. Except the ones that don't come back. Sure. So, I mean, there's a whole very real angle of, like, Twitch streamers and, like, you know, size and subscribers. But at the end of the day, I think this all comes down to this, like, basic idea that you have in your head, that you're inevitably going to disappoint. Yeah. To give you a specific example, I guess. Something that I noticed about my YouTube channel is that I have a very, I had a very, very unique rise, I guess, in that my channel, it never blew up.

Like, the most subs I've ever gotten in one month was 40,000, right? And of course, to people like, oh, yeah, blow up, great. But it never went over that. But I made videos every Friday. And, you know, for three years, I was consistent. And I got to 900K and everything was whatever. However, along the way, there have been channels that actually blew up. The people that are getting 200K subs a day, right?

And they're straight to a million and there are superstars, which at first I was jealous, but that at the same time I was happy with what I had. But it is hard to believe that you're destined for something great when you just see people blow up in the ways that they do. And it's like, oh, well, my blow up wasn't like that. In fact, my blowup was rather slow. Does this mean that I'm just slowly approaching, you know, above mediocrity? Like, I don't know.

It was really, really hard to understand why I wasn't, why I didn't get that treatment ever, I guess. Okay. So, Sky, great point. So I want to point something out to you. So it's my belief that there is the development of this belief about yourself, right? Which apparently happened when you were nine. and then there are all of the consequences of that belief and the way that you deal with those. Right?

So for example, like, there's the feeling guilty because you're not empathic and you're letting people down. And then there's the protective mechanism or the response in your mind, which is that you tell yourself that you don't regret your decisions. Do you see how like there's like a cause and there's an effect? There's like a start and there's an end. And so I think all the stuff about YouTube is all like responses to. the complex with which you view the world. You have a lens and then all the stuff on YouTube, because I think that's all legitimate.

Like, you can feel, you know, insufficient when you compare yourself to the meteoric rises of other YouTubers and things like that. I think all those feelings are really legitimate. But I think if you want, you're saying that there's something fundamental about you that's unfixable. I don't think that that thing, I don't think the root of that thing is that you're not as successful of a YouTuber as like other YouTubers. I think the root of that thing is wherever you got this idea that, like,

you can't live up to expectations. And so that, if you want your patterns to change, you've got to get to the bottom of that. So tell me about, go, go ahead. Yeah, no, I just, I don't know where to start with that. Yeah, no, yes, you do, because we already know where to start with that. Tell me about being nine. Oh, God, being nine. Oh, my God, there's a kid named Travis Barrios.

He choked out a guy named Joey DeMis and everybody was freaking out. and I just wanted to bang him. Like, I had no idea what I was thinking, but it was crazy. Like, that nine to me, that was the, that was the truth. Like, I, it was, uh, of course, you know, I'm telling myself, I'm not gay, but then again, you know, I'm just walking around a cognize. And I, I did pretty well in school at that time. Once I realized I was gay, I was like, well, I'm not going to get anywhere unless I'm

trade A's and I have to leave the house as soon as possible. And I had a lot of like friends, normal friends. Everything was fine. The only thing that was difficult was, you know, home life with my family, like, moving back and forth and their divorce and their drama. But if there's one thing my dad and mom kind of agreed on individually is like being gay, well, that might not be okay. Like, that was hard to kind of maneuver.

And then, and then my, when I was around, I think 11, my brother literally read my sister's diary, found out she was a lesbian, and then outed her. So now, yeah, so now I'm like, God damn, Nick. Like, that made a lot of things harder for me because, of course, she's getting chewed out. And I'm just like, how could you, Alex? Like, how could you even be that? But of course, I'm not telling her this. I'm just thinking in my mind.

Alex is your sister or your brother? Yes, my sister. My brother's name is Nick. He's the worst person. Still? Yes. Okay. Yes.

So do you... Go on? So, I mean, I'm just... You know, I think, Sky, you do a... You're a fantastic storyteller. And I think, you know, you talk about things in a very kind of larger-than-life sort of way. And it sounds funny. Like, you make it sound funny.

And I found myself like enjoying that story. Like, right? Thank you. Yeah. But that's not an enjoyable story. That story is fucking awful. Yeah. It's pretty bad.

Yeah. It gets it. I mean, it's actually, it's actually really, really, really bad. So why do you think it's, why are you able to talk about it in a way that's funny? Like, does it hurt when you talk about it? No. At this point now. Like, it's, it's annoying.

Like, I mean, I, it's annoying and it is actually genuinely fucked up beyond belief. I'm not even kidding. Yeah. Have you seen a therapist before, by the way? Yeah, when I was 15. Okay. It was this lady. We just kept playing the stick game and you have to, like, put the sticks on your hand and then you drop them and you can only pick out a certain color.

What the fuck is that? I don't know. And she was nice. She would use that to ask me about home life while I was trying to pick up a green stick. I thought she was cheating. But then she would talk about like my stepdad and all those problems and shit. But that, you know, that only lasted like maybe a year and a half. Then I saw therapy again.

Well, my mom made me do it when I was like 19. And then now I'm 29 and you're here. Well, just to be clear, this is not therapy. Sure. Right. We're just chatting. This is just chatting on Twitch. Yes, this is just chatting.

It's not fair. So, but I just want to, so in a lot of ways, Sky, it seems like you've grown and you've moved past this and you've become confident in the person that you are. Like, that's what I'm getting from you now. That's a great thing to hear. I would say that I've moved past it, but the day. damage that's been done is just irreversible. And so it's like, yeah. So I agree that you've moved past it. I agree that the damage has not been repaired. I don't think it's irreversible. I think it's completely logical for you to think it's irreversible, right? Because you've moved past it without

fixing it. Did you watch the last interview? A little bit of it. Okay. So I don't think it's irreversible. I just don't think you've tried to fix it in the right way because what you've done is you've moved past it instead of fixing it. You moved on with your life whatever actually addressing the underlying issue. And unless you've tried to do that, huh? Sorry, it's really bad though. Okay. Do you want to... I mean, I can. I can tell you. I'm only warning, like, even your viewers,

I actually don't even... I should really get your page open. You know what, actually, I think that I didn't open your Twitch page because I was absolutely terrified of chat. I'm horrified actually. I just, I can't even, I feel like I was going to be fragile, but anyway, I usually give a trigger warning because it's that bad. So I was like, I don't mind talking about it. I'm asking you, though, like, I can tell you, but it's bad. So let me, okay, so thank you for being cautionary.

I really appreciate that. I actually don't know how to navigate this kind of situation. But let me actually first ask you this. or you said you were afraid of being fragile. Shit. Yes. Damn it. What do you mean by that?

Foiled again. Because like, you know, everybody's like saying shit like, oh, you know, man up, toughen up. Like, don't let them, like, get thicker skin. Like, you don't have to care of people think. I care about what everyone thinks. I don't care who you are. You could be an infant. If you don't like me, it hurts.

So it's like, I, and I'm not going to lie to people like on Twitter. I'll be like, yeah, no, I care. People that hate me, I'll tweet at them. I'll be like, hey, let's talk. Even if it hurts, I want to learn something. That's my genuine approach. So in Twitch chat is like, Twitch chat, the culture I'm sure you're aware. To me, I love Twitchyat culture because they make me laugh.

But damn, they could be vicious if you are not on your shit. If they don't like you, they will let you know and they will dig in your soul. And I figure that, like, just for now, I'm going to just pretend that I'm talking to you privately. Yeah. So, Sky, what are you afraid of them seeing with you being fragile? Oh, nigga, anything. Mr. Potato Head, people call me that. What does that mean?

Like a line with me. A lot of, well, they could say anything, like, literally anything, even if it's, like, neutral. And I'll feel odd. Are you Are you being fragile? I think so, yeah. Yeah. I mean, how does it feel?

Shitty? In what way? Because I'm also 6'5. Like, I'm a big ass nigga. Like, I'm huge. So it's weird for me to be like, especially like an in person. I'm looked at as someone like, oh, walk me to my car, you know, protecting me from the muggers and the rapists. And I'm like, I'm walking.

And I'm like, well, I hope we don't get mugged to rape. Like, I'm just as scared, if not more so. And I will throw you to the assailant. I'll run away. So being that fragile, like, is not good for people to know, which is why I'm saying in here on your stream of front of all of these people. Yeah. But I mean, so I don't think you come across as fragile. But a good, good for me then.

I definitely am. So what does someone who's fragile feel like, look like? Let's start there. me yeah do you think they smile I think that they they will use mechanisms that are paper thin is that what you're doing I don't know am I I I feel like maybe but I also oh I don't think they're paper thin oh but I think you are using mechanisms right so I think you laugh a lot and you come across as confident yeah that's fine it's fine to laugh I think you laugh when you become uncomfortable about things.

And it sounds like that's actually a winning strategy because you've sort of figured out that every time you're on stream, you're fucking terrified and you're anxious, it sounds like. And that brings out the laughter, which Twitch chat loves. I actually don't think that I'm, I'm never uncomfortable. Like, I always feel really good about everything, like everything I do when it comes, especially with people. Like, I've never been shy. Currently in this discussion right here, like, I'm not particularly uncomfortable.

I wouldn't say uncomfortable. It's more like. I'm curious to see, like, where it goes and I'm anxious for the result, but I mean, I feel personally, totally fine. Of course. Now, that is in contrast for, let's say the Twitch chat was just lighten my ass up. And I'm looking at the chat. If it was here, then that would bring the uncomfortability because it's like, damn. But currently I'm completely fine. And yes, I do smile and laugh a lot about it. You're right, about literally everything good or bad. in my group, my best friends, we all have, you know, it's like three, three people that I live with are my genuine best friends, great people that I feel nothing negative about. And we have a lot of bad things that happen to us, but we joke about it, like it was nothing. And we love it. And we don't feel any pain or anything. That's the way that I conduct myself. It doesn't work for other people. but yeah so i mean i think sky uh fortunately or unfortunately you know i i think for you to be to be fixed i think you've got to move a little bit past the humor oh right so i i think that like

it sounds like stuff really bad happened growing up oh yes and and and since it and there's just it's weird like i don't know how else to describe this but you have you have this persona where like you give us all these disclaimers and stuff and trigger warnings. And so like to me that actually feels like misdirection. Like I don't doubt that there's legitimacy to it. But like the phrase that I latch on to that gets you to pause and actually makes you feel a little bit uncomfortable is like mentioning that you could be fragile. It's not talking about all the bad shit that happened to you because there's something like you've learned how to view that in a particular way. your view of your past has become like you've adapted to it, you're resilient, you've kind of

learned how to move past it, you're kind of okay with it now. But I think that that's like kind of like it's a shell that you put over it. But that's that, yeah, that's why I said that it's unfixable. Okay. So in sometimes when you get an infection, your body forms something called an abscess. Okay. And an abscess is like where you have an infected part, your body kind of like walls off the microbes and forms. And, forms like this like sphere, which has like all this like scar tissue and shit like that. And the infection is like stuck inside. And that's a survival mechanism that your body does to prevent the infection from spreading.

The problem is that when you have an abscess, the infection is stuck inside. And so it's like running rampant in there like nothing gets in and nothing gets out. So in order for an abscess, in order for the infection to truly be healed, do you have any idea what people do to an abscess? Drain it? Absolutely. Right? And so unless we open up the abscess, you can have an abscess, well, not for years, but, you know, you can have shit walled off, and your body's like there's no way that's getting fixed because we've walled it all off. And I think that's what you've done, because here's what I'm hearing from you, okay, that you have this diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder at the age of 15, that you have some patterns in your life that are so intractable, so unsolvable.

so unfixable, and that you corrupt everything you touch. That's like a really bleak way, right? And so if we think about what kind of human can survive that, it's you. It's the larger in life. It's the surrounded by friends. It's the laughing at the good and the bad. That's the only way. That's the only way you survive that shit.

Only way. That's your abscess. And you're torn. you're torn because you feel guilty and you don't know how to deal with those feelings of guilt so you choose not to regret your decisions that you tell people you live every day without regret and you regret every day yeah yeah right right i just feel like it's kind of i i feel like i feel like sometimes apologies are so hollow like yes i i i don't Because you can't make it right. That's why the apology happened.

So it's like, you can't make it right. Because you disappoint. So you can't make it right. And I feel like, maybe this is a dumb. It could be a dumb thing to say, but it's like, I feel like if I do something bad to someone, it is so hard for me to apologize because I feel honestly that I've taken away if I do that, even though it's something I can't fix if I apologize

it makes me feel like I'm taking away their bad guy and I know that I feel that I know that might sound weird but it's like I do feel a type of way and I don't like to think of it but I yeah who who hurt you

so bad that there's no way to apologize for what they did whoa Jesus what was the question who hurt you so bad that there is no way to apologize for what they did there's no way to fix that hurt

where did you learn in the core of your being that there are some wounds that will never be healed holy shit can I have a minute yes okay okay

I'm just going to fill this with water one second okay Jesus you are you're good This is terrifying. Take your time. You also don't have to answer. No, I'm going to answer.

Okay. Remember, I'll talk about anything. I've never been asked that question, ever. Okay, let's see. Who? My brother, my mom, my stepfather, and my dad. and not my sister. If I were to put this in a tier list,

it would be my brother up here in S plus tier by himself. And then a critical space. And then a minus tier would be my mom. And then my dad probably next to her. And then my stepdad, I mean, he's just, he's literal trash. So whatever, you can just put him somewhere else. So this guy, this is important, right?

So like I think that, So good job, first of all. I'm glad you took a minute. I'm glad you thought through things. Yeah, that was a question. Yeah. So I want you to understand that like the way that you view the world is not wrong. It was taught.

But like you have some fundamental things that you think since these things are true for you, your situation is unfixable. And those things are first of all that you disappoint. And secondly, that you can hurt someone in a way that can never be healed. Yeah. And if that's the case. So now we come back to the original question, right? So when I asked you, the original thing, what are we talking about?

What is it that is unfixed? What is it that is unfixable? Why do you feel like things are hopeless? And now we get to it, right? This is the reason. Because someone, not just one person, but this is a lesson that was taught to you by one person that you love and then another person that you love and that another person that you love. Oh, God. Yeah. Right. So they just rammed that into you like over and over again that you just

fucking, that there is hurt in this world that nothing can fix. And so that became truth. That became truth. That became what it is. And then the world is now a place where you are hurting people and then there's no way to fix that. You are uncurable. It's unfixable. You just are going to let people down, they're going to invest in you, and they're going to get corrupted, like corruption, gangrene. What is it happening? Oh, sorry, go on. In order for that to change, you've got to start with this, right?

You've got to go to the root. Where did you, how did you learn? And, I mean, I think it's beyond the scope of what we can accomplish today. But. No, I've, oh, yeah. But I think this is where it comes down to, right? Because if you can heal what they did to you, then your entire worldview,

comes tumbling down, then everything that you view about the world is like can be rewritten. But the, okay, so you're, you're, everything you're saying is, I'm going to assume accurate because shit, but, um, even if I believe that things could be fixable, I really, I don't, you don't believe, you don't believe that they're fixable. Fine. Right. So, I mean, So let's just call that. So I'm going to tell you what you actually think, which is that, like, in theory, in theory, Dr. Kay, I agree with you,

but there's just no fucking way. You don't know what they did to me. It's not actually fixable. Yeah. Like, yeah. But at the end of the day, it's just not actually going to happen. Yeah. I feel like now it's kind of like, well,

just got to try to figure out a way to win, you know, while having this kind of like baggage. And I felt like it's possible because it worked for a bit, but... No, I mean... It's making a lot of sense. Yeah, so that's the problem, right?

Because I think if you want to win, you got to, like, offload that baggage, right? You got to learn that you can be healed. And if you can be healed, then you don't have to be a corrupting influence for others. Oh, I'm willing to talk about it. How much time do we have? I have a patient in about 10 minutes.

I'm happy to talk about it too. It's just in my experience, Sky, I'm good at what I do, but this is the kind of thing that requires more than 10 minutes or even more than one session because it sounds like you've had repeated insults. And it's not that I'm not willing to try or not wanting to talk about it. I just want to set realistic expectations

for like what's going to be accomplished. Okay. Does that make sense? Yeah. I mean, like the only thing that sucks is that, I mean, of course, this is like, you have blown open my worldview and now it's like it's like oh well another patient got to go for a bit which is fine you got your own work to do but now it's like I'm just gonna be staring out in my overcast window like god damn I just got bodied and I don't really know what to fair enough fair enough so so so let me try to let me try to let's not end here I'm not saying we should end and and I get the sense you need to move forward because like you said like I've open things up and I can't just leave you.

No, I know, right. I can do with it, right? I can. I can. I know you can, but I hear what you're saying. So, so let's get started, right? So let's talk about. I feel like a whiny brat that just got us way.

Like, I was, no, you're, you're, I don't think you're a whiny brat that, that, that got your way. I think you raised a very legitimate concern, which is that we, we're like halfway done. And so we should finish. I've just never heard those. words out of someone's mouth. Like, I cannot believe you ask that. That is, that's actually, like, nuts to me.

Like, you're really good. That's, yeah, don't mind my rambling. I mind your, like, am. Your rambling is gold, man. And we're, oh, you're blurry. Oh, oh, sorry. Hello, me? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So tell me about your brother. So he's the S plus, right? So let's dive in. You want to go? Let's go. Yep. Tell me about your brother. The worst human being alive.

One of them. Nick, well, I mean, he wasn't always that way. Nick and I are like both extremely, extremely manipulative and we're very good at it. My brother is the more attractive one and I'm funnier than him. So like when we were kids, we just got, we really ran my aunt's pockets like they were errands. Like we didn't care. Like, we're trying to get like a game.

We didn't steal from them. But of course, like, we just be like. like, oh man, we would have a lot more brother bonding time if we had that new Pokemon like we were awful. And we played a lot of wow together. Yes, he's a 15 months older. Okay.

I had to memorize the English words. We're 15 months apart. So that's why I now say it. But yeah, no, Nick just sucks. I can dive into what he did. Sure. Okay. Is just the trigger warning part?

Yeah. Okay. Reiteration of the trigger warning, everyone. Okay, so when I was 15, a dude came into our house and I got raped. And it was very odd because I knew that I was gay. I was talking to this person on AOL. I knew that I was gay. he said that he was like 17 he was actually like 40

he docks to my house and went and I should have thought about it more when he asked if it was like a two-story home like it was like this thing like trying to bait me to say like where I live in the house but of course it was the downstairs house the only room downstairs when it was happening it was like

my mind was basically thinking, okay, well, I'm gay, so I'm going to have to like it. It was the most painful thing I've ever, obviously, in my entire life. But you know it's even more fucked up, though, is that your body, my body made for like two seconds, I enjoyed it. For two solid seconds, my body put me in a place to where this is what I wanted. That will live with me. I fucking hate thinking about that. But what was worse was when my brother came home when it was done.

My logic was, if I just don't say or do anything and I make no noise, then he will leave and I'll be able to just keep this, right? So he's getting up to leave and my brother comes home from, he goes back to my room and he tries to open the door. He sees that I'm naked and he sees there's another, he sends another person in there. I close the door and I lock it. I try to distract him.

The dude leaves. My brother goes up and tells my mom. Mom calls the cops. My brother tells the cops that I invited someone over to get fucked and that's what happened and it's my fault. The cop pulls me aside, I had asked me I want to go to a foster home. My mom didn't know who to believe.

Oh, yada, yada. The next day, I go and get blood tests. My mom took the day off work out because I went to go do a bunch of tests. Okay. Then the neck, the, I think it was maybe a day after, maybe two days after. I went to school because after the weekend. And I go to school and every single person at our high school knows what happened. but they don't know the actual story.

They think that I wanted it and that that that was like, like I was just a fag who just, you know, went out and did all, whatever. Which isn't unorthodox to think because I have in the, like I have in the past out of curiosity, looked at gay porn and had been on Craigslist to try to look for something, like, to try to look for someone, but at the time I had no luck

obviously because I'm an infant. But Nick, like, he knew that it wasn't. He knew that it wasn't. He knew, but he didn't. He wanted a scoop. So he tells everyone in my school, I find out when I enter my class and people are just, like, giggling. I'm not even kidding, like, it was a fucking movie.

I didn't think much of it. I just had to get through the day. After I was done, I cannot believe. this. I go to GameStop. I go into buy a game and our mutual friend Alex Scott is working and he's like, oh, I heard you had a special friend last night. I literally dropped my food and my backpack and everything. Because when he said that, the manager even looked over like they thought it was funny. And I took my mom's, I was like driving my mom's expedition at the time because I, you know, I could drive. But my mom, of course, should not be in any legal trouble, even though she'll let me drive alone.

Just go ahead and just put that out there. But yeah, no, then I, I freaked out. Oh, you're cutting out. Server change? Can you guys, can you guys still hear me? No. Hello? Hey.

Yo, God intervened. The power went out. Now I'm on my phone. It's okay, though. Okay. Oh, my God. Oh, Nick is listening. What a demon.

Let me turn on my camera. Oh, I got it. Oddly coincidental. You see me? Yep. Okay. Is this okay? Yep.

Go. Okay, yeah. So I drove home as fast as I could, but honestly, I was running red lights. I was, I didn't care. I called my mom. My mom left work. She was hysterical. I drove.

I did not stop for anyone. I was really hoping to hit something, but I didn't. and I mean I just went home and locked myself in my room and that was that I don't know if my brother got punished for it but I know that whatever happened wasn't enough because in 2000

and now this is so fucked in 2016 my brother I guess is having a wedding and he knows we're not on good terms. He goes on my subreddit and he makes a thing that says, oh, will you go to my wedding? Now, all of my fans think that I'm okay with my brother. So they're thinking it's a sweet jester, but Nick knows that I'm not on good terms with him. But he's just, I find out that he's working at Chili's and he's like using like, oh, you look like Sky. And he's like getting some of my fans

as friends on Facebook. And then when I didn't answer his wedding proposal, he put my text messages that I sent to him during like around the time where I got raped, like all of my messages, all my business out on his personal Facebook. Okay. And then he has the audacity to

begin posting shit on my Reddit, which I had to take down. This nigga is really out here ridiculing me for getting raped. And then that's where a lot of things went downhill in my life for Sure.

My mom and I, yeah, go on. So, Sky, so let me ask you something. What's up? Is, I mean, have you talked to your, like, so you say that you and your brother aren't on good terms? Is there a particular way that, um, when you guys, like, when you all, you all aren't on good terms, like, what does that, like, have you talked to him about what happened and how you feel? Yep. and they don't care he really doesn't care at all

I'm just turning off my fan okay he does not care at all and and I he hasn't apologized he doesn't he definitely doesn't seem I mean he's again he's never changed his stance

he's blaming me for it I'm the one that got raped it was me it was actually not raped because it was consensual so it's like he hasn't even left that at all and he would like try to get a hold of me by he took my one of my videos and had my dad and mom like my it one second sky oh god come up this me really is in my head he's i'm the fan okay so so sky i think that uh i i think that the challenge here i i think that the

is that. So, I mean, I think that this has to, this has to be, and you, you sort of have made your peace with the situation to the extent that you can, right? Yeah, to the, I mean, it, it, it, we just went out. Just cut out. Hello? Uh-oh. I can't hear you.

Hello, Fred. Yeah. Yeah. There we go. You hear me? Yeah. So, I mean, Sky, I think, unfortunately, I can't, no, I mean, I think it's just going to be challenging because I think this is just, I mean, I recognize what you're going through and I feel confident that you can get better. And I think this is where it starts. But like, there's just no way that, you know, the first thing that I can offer you is that I do think you can get better. And if you've never seen your life in this way, let you have these patterns, that those patterns come from a place. right? And they come from something terrible that happened to you. And if you can understand

where a pattern comes from, you can gain control over it. Okay. And so this is something that that's very important to understand. So the yogis in ancient India said that awareness precedes control. And that like when I work with people who have addictions or trauma or things like that, like there was a, you know, kind of a, I guess a far less severe stream than what we're talking about. but there was someone on a couple of weeks ago or a couple months ago who was talking about why they date the same kind of women like over and over and over again and they don't understand like why they keep on getting with women that they ultimately get bored of and then like they want to break up with and so unless you understand like what's going on

inside you like you have no ability to control it right so this is what I what I can offer you now which is going to be unsatisfying for which I apologize the first is to understand that you are the way that you are because you learned some very important and crucial lessons in life. And as long as you're operating under the assumption that those lessons are true, that you're going to, those lessons are going to kind of like default, you're going to set your default mode network, your default programming. When I go to the toilet and I like pull the handle down, it flushes. Like that's just an assumption.

So you're operating in life with certain key assumptions that you can hurt. people and disappoint people in a way that's never repairable. And at the beginning, what I would say is just notice when that thought or that feeling arises and influences your behavior. Because I think it happens not when you accept someone's help, but the next day, when your desire or your genuine intention to pay them back or do right by them or something like that, when that starts to fade, I think something of this feeling, is going to arise right there

and is going to actually become a self-fulfilling prophecy and something about that feeling and that hopelessness causes you to abandon your promise. And the cool thing is if you can notice that thing in that moment and say, oh, this is the part

of me, like this is everything that happened when I was 15, rearing its ugly head and telling me that it doesn't fucking matter. And then you can in that moment, if you see it, right, this is like, so you play League of Legends? Yeah. Yeah. So there's like, there's like stealth units in League of Legends, right?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So, so like, like you need like some kind of like vision, like you need some like detection to be able to see the stealth thing. Otherwise you can't do anything about it. And so you've been living your whole life without detection. And there's been something that's just run around in your subconscious just fucking everything up. Yeah. And so it starts with detection. You got to detect it first. Whether you can tackle it, whether you can kill it, whether you can stun it, whatever. whatever, that comes later. But the first thing is detection. If I promise to be brief, I only have one more thing to say. You should say it.

Okay. I just, this is going to be something that I know that, like, it's not like trigger warning or anything. It is something that many people are wondering about, but there is something that I want to share with you Because I think that ever since you know They're talking about the disappointment thing This is the first thing that was in my mind

I should have said it sooner Basically A while ago I was a very good friend with the content creator of Dunkie We had a falling out Me and Leah had a falling out It's terrible That's by the way

The example of someone that I said Someone that I lost That pretty much Was the worst thing Like I would do anything to be a friend again And I don't think it's a parable So that's like all like that that encompasses

but what I wanted to touch on is I never knew that being friends with someone that's so much more popular than you I can't tell you how many times I would get offers from companies and jobs that, you know, would give me deals that I believe would be amazing but then they would end by saying

oh, would you mind like passing on this to donkey see if he wants to do it? And either I, I mean obviously I'm not going to fucking do that. He has an email and I don't want to I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want that relationship. But of course, if he says no, or even if I send it and there's no response, or I don't, you know, whatever it is, nine times out of ten, the deal stops.

That's fine. Then nothing happens. So, I mean, that's fine in the sense that, so I'm glad you shared that sky. And I think there's actually like another way forward, right? So the main thing here for you to change the way that you view the world is to, to, to dismantle this belief that things are irreparable. So whether it's with your family or it's with donkey. for you to like process that and repair doesn't necessarily mean make everything like

like like like not like that you guys have to be BFFs again or that you and your brother are going to like retire together and like live in the same house like that's not what repair means right repair means that like you're going to engage with them process grieve and then let go okay that if you did donkey wrong or something bad happened between the two of you guys that that It was me and Leah and she just, she met the world to me. That's why I was. Yeah.

So like that's, I only want to make that clear. So that's the thing is like like that that needs to be addressed, right? Not moved past, not laughed past. Not kind of like, you know, like even from an egotistical sense, because this is a distraction too. Because when you compare yourself to other people and you're like, oh, they're better than I am or I'm worse, that's a pattern that your mind uses in the same way that it uses laughter to get away from the real thing. Okay. Yeah. So I'd say to kind of to sum up, you know, just try to notice it, right? Like when you're about to do the thing that you can't control, the thing that is going to corrupt others and keep you stuck in life, stop and ask yourself, what is the thing that is stealthed in my mind that is pushing me to do this? Like, where am I getting this from? And see, now that you know what to look for, there's a decent chance you'll be able to see it. Like, it's kind of like, I guess, I agree. So that's where we start.

Yeah. Okay? No, I think you've given me a pretty good weapon to use. Yeah. So remember my brain is. And then, you know, you're more than welcome to come back on and we can kind of talk about follow-off or, you know, in more details and things like that. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for being honest.

No, this is really fun. Whenever you want me again, I'll be on and I will think about all this. Thank you so much for your time, dude. Yeah. Thank you guys very much. So guys, I have to run. So just a couple of closing thoughts. The first is, you know, thank you all very much for coming on.

Thank you, Sky, for coming on and, you know, being open and honest about what hurts you. A couple of things that I need to remember. So just a reminder that, like, you know, if you guys do subscribe or donate or anything like that, that just goes to fuel our content. None of it comes to me. I'm trying to help more people. Like, I've gotten hundreds of DMs and emails and shit like that. Oh, donate everybody to this, nigga. He is wrong.

And so what I'm trying to do is actually, like, train people to, like, do something like what I do. And we're trying to set up. We had a retreat back in August. So we're trying to actually make as much stuff as we can free. And if we get enough income, then I don't have to pay for everything. And I can only pay for so much. And so, like, thank you guys very much for subscribing, donating. In terms of Sky, like, I think he's a riot.

And by the way, I saw your tweet about that, that when someone, approaches you with a deal. You tweeted about that, right? Yeah, I said I'm tweeted this. I tweeted about that. So, I mean, so I love, I love Sky's Twitter, and I, you know, I think your stream is really entertaining. You're like Diamond 2 on Law, right? Yeah, I can't hear you anymore. You muted, but, um, but thank you guys very much for coming. And we really appreciate your support. You guys should check out Sky's stream. I think it's a riot because, you know, you get to see his, his, his, his funny, lovable side.

which even when he's hurting, he can't help but let that funnable. I still can't hear what you're saying, so this makes it fun for all of us. But anyway, yeah, I don't know. I'm not muting him. He muted himself. So that's, oh, you didn't mute? I can hear just a little bit. Oh, there it goes.

There it goes. Anyway, so I got to get going. We're going to stream on Sunday from 6 to 8 p.m. Eastern time. And good luck, Sky. Thank you. Try to try to try to draw. Drop some of that detection, man. Subscribe to this nigger right here.

You are dope. I can't wait to see what you do. All right, we'll talk soon. Take care, man. Bye. Bye, friend. Bye, everybody. Hi, welcome to your neighborhood pharmacy. Hi, I've got a prescription for diabetes test strips. How much is the copay? Well, it depends on your type of commercial insurance and factoring in your yearly spend,

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