HealthyGamerGG - Sky Williams Pt. 2 (@sky_mp3)

Episode Date: January 3, 2020

Dr. K talks with Sky Williams about taking steps to fix an "unfixable" problem. Watch the interview on our YouTube page (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUUWAu8W8Ww) and catch Dr.K live on Twitch (https://www.twitch.tv/healthygamer_gg) - Wednesdays & Fridays at 3PM EST and Sundays at 6PM EST. Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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You could talk about digging deep in psychology, like you find your inner self, man. Like, you got to, you gotta want it. No, you don't, no, you, you walk. You put one foot in front of the other. That's how you do it. So, Sky, have you been, man? You know, just alive. I feel like, um, left a few grenades in my head been keeping them from blowing up.

This is good, not a bad thing, but, you know. Yeah, sorry about that. We have attendance. No, no, it's fine. I think it's good. So, yeah, you mentioned I left a couple of grenades. Sorry for doing that. And what do you mean by that?

Well, I think the biggest one was that things can be fixed and changed. That was just weird to me. Like, it did not sit well with me at all. Like, I was thinking, I pretty much had to then go and think about everything in my life that I thought couldn't be changed. was hopeless. And then I just was like, wow, maybe these things can change. That was probably the biggest one. Yeah. So like my relationship with like people that I, you know, fell out with or even my brother, right? Like anything can happen. It's not impossible to make those differences.

I guess. So, Sky, this is going to sound kind of weird. But I want you to understand that the place that you're in now is actually way harder than the place that you were in before we talked. So like, think about this for a second. If nothing can change and things are irreversible, then your responsibility in life, like what happens to your responsibility in life? Well, then it becomes easier because that's just like, that's like the quip of religion, right? Or you have all the answers for, like answered for you. Not saying it's bad. Just saying that like, No, I think I think you're right. So there's a lot of solace and protection in the idea that like things are screwed forever.

Yes. And I think that's what was that was what the hardest thing was is because even though I was able to analyze it more after our first talk, the amount of overwhelming support that people have had in me and their faith in me to do things. I've never really been able to turn a blind eye to my like to what I can do. or what can be accomplished. But, no, you're right. Now that you kind of like, hello, can you see me? Yeah.

Okay, my monitor's being dumb. I was being, I mean, in a way, it's kind of cowardly to just think that nothing is, or that everything is useless, but I've never had that door completely close. I've always known that there's a small percent chance that I can win,

but you've shown me that it's more than a small percent chance, which, and you blew the door open. So it's like, blew the door open and now, like, I can just see, like, my messy room in my head and, like, my dirty bathroom and just ever, like, I'm exposed in a way. That's why it feels terrible. But it's a good terrible. Yeah, so that's weird. So let's, um, talk about that. What do you mean by terrible and what do you mean by good terrible? Um, I think that's great language, by the way. Oh, thank you. Um, well, If you live your life kind of like never really trying super duper hard, you never really, like, as long as the door that I had in my mind was barely cracked open for the remainder of my life, I could have just said, well, if I would have really put my heart into it, I would have been fine.

Look at what I've done before. But now it's like, now the door is open. So it's like, oh, well, guess now I really have to do it. I really have to actually go out there and be whatever it is. And it's a terrible feeling because every single thing that I've done in my life, I've never been world class. Like, I've been pretty good at a lot of things I like. But I've never been like really truly godlike and like in games that I play or even on

YouTube. And I feel like you touched on why. I feel like I just protected myself by not really exposing. everything I have an M. Yes. So this is important, Sky. You, your ego has always had a little bit of an out because you never gave it your all. Right? Yeah. Like, is it bad that I want to close the door, though? No, it's not bad that you want to close the door. That's because that's what happens. So here's the thing, Sky. You've never really failed in life because you've never really tried. now you're you're exposed to failing in a completely different way it sucks it's terrifying so most of the time

we half-ass things so that we leave ourselves a little out right we say like okay like if i had really not procrastinated then i could have gotten an a on the test oh yes that yes preach i feel that all the time. And so, but now it's dangerous territory because now you're leaving yourself nowhere to hide. Because now if the door is open and you try your best and you fall up short, what does that mean about you? It means that I'm not good.

It's like, I'm like, wow, guys. See, I told you. I'm terrible. Yeah. So that means that like, now you're exposing yourself to your worst fears about yourself being true. Like you've got nowhere left to hide. And it's, it's terrifying.

The other thing, though, you say it's good, terrible. So I'm going to use another word, liberating. Okay, liberating. What do you think about that? Yeah. No, I mean, that makes sense. I mean, it's, it's, you're, you're right. It's, it's, it sucks and it feels bad, but it's just the overwhelming sensation that,

that there is a possibility that I'm, that it's true. that if I do put everything in, I am going to end up being mediocre. And the only thing that I could say to that is like, well, damn it. Like, there's nothing else that could be done then. If I put everything in and nothing good comes out. No, no.

So, Sky, here's the really, really crazy thing. So you're, you've taken the first step of maybe a two-step journey. So you're halfway there. So the second thing, which is going to be really, so, you know, opening the door has, is not exactly what you anticipated, right? Like, it's good in some ways, and it's bad in some ways,

and it's just different and weird. So here's the cool thing. When you give it your all, you're going to fall short. And when you fall short, it's going to feel amazing. Oh, words. Yeah.

What? I'm sorry, is what I want to say, but I'm going to nod my head and be like, oh, yeah. No, no, no. Say what? It's fucking confusing. I don't know. Okay.

Yes, I can see the benefit of falling short. In fact, I would argue that right now that my audience, you know, is diminished. It feels good knowing that I can really go out and now do things that I kind of have always wanted to do, but maybe I couldn't because I was too nervous about a larger audience seeing it. Now I feel like I can actually grind. The issue, though, is that there are so many people that have invested in me in ways that I couldn't even fathom to say

and it's like going out on stage and falling, I don't know, man. That doesn't seem like there's good from that. Yep, exactly, exactly. And so... I'm going to re-fet your tweet, by the way, about this. I just didn't do it yet. What?

Just letting you know. I'm going to retweet your tweet about this conversation. I didn't do it yet. That's why I'm on my phone. That's fine. So, Sky, and this is the thing. I don't think that I'm going to, I can try to explain it to you. I don't think it's going to make sense, though, until you actually do it.

Yeah, I'm going to try to. And so we can talk a little bit about that. But I just want to explain kind of what I mean. So now Sky is going to give it as all. And he's going to go on on stage. And inevitably, he's going to fall, right? Because it's going to happen at some point. But the problem here is that the reason that you need ego is because you lack confidence.

you don't have faith that you can do something. And since you don't have faith, you can do something, you hold back a little bit, right? You don't give it 100%. You give it like 98%. Because you're just terrified that giving it 100% will be not enough. Yeah. But here's the crazy thing. When you fall face first on stage and then you get back up and everyone cheers and then you start singing or doing whatever it is that you're going to do.

and then you go off stage and you're mortified and you're like, okay, next time I go out on stage no one is going to be there because I fell. And then you're going to go out on stage and there's still people going to be there and you're going to be like, what the fuck, but I fell. And then you're going to be so nervous about it that you're going to fall again.

And real confidence doesn't come from success. Like, this is your problems, guys, the more successful you've become, the more your ego has been afraid that you're not worth it. The more you feel like kind of an imposter, the more that you feel like you're riding this wave that is eventually going to press and pressure.

Yes. Oh, my God. That is the perfect word. That is literally it. Like, oh, man, I'm afraid of, like, doing something big and then being like, what? We waited for that. And then just like, you know, I just, then it's like, God, that's not the guy that we support it. Let's leave everyone.

Yep. So here's where confidence comes from, right? When you hit that situation where everyone should walk out the door in your deepest, deepest spheres, they're walking out the door and they're abandoning you, and you show up the next day, and they're still there. Yeah, I hate that. I don't know why they're here. I tell them on stream.

I'm like, guys, you're subscribing to me. You know I'm just going to leave for four months or whatever. Like, what are you doing? Like, let's be real. You know, give the money to your mom. Like, do something else with this. Yeah. I'm going to finish this because I'm very vulnerable and I want to just tweet this.

I said that you restructured. mind. You are at a... You're the best. What? Okay. He's unreal. Here we go. Got it. Now I'm ready. Okay. Thanks for tweeting. So, Skye, is there something in particular... I mean, do you have questions or anything? Or do you... Something that you want to share or questions you want to ask? I mean, I can take the lead if you want, but... No, no. That's just another grenade.

Yeah, sorry. I'm trying to like, I'm trying to remember everything that you said. I will review this the moment it's posted. Um, but I also, this might sound like a scapegoat, but I think that my weight has a really big, like, role in all of this. Like, no pun intended, but it, I think that it has a, a massive role. because I've only been skinny once and that was when my YouTube channel was like at its peak. Oh my God, those are the days.

And then obviously, you know, depression hit. And then now I'm back to looking like grimace or Mr. Potato Head, but the big version of it. So it's really hard for me to execute all the ideas that I want because I definitely care about what everybody thinks. times a million. But then I also feel like I use it as an excuse to, oh, man, it's a big mess. Yeah.

So I guess my question is like, what do you go ahead. Sorry. No, no, you're fine. What, what, what, what, what, what happens now? I'm just not sure what to do. Yeah, great. So beautiful. So you've done the first right thing, right?

Which is that you've noticed, noticing is where everything begins. okay you've noticed that your weight somehow influences the way that you perceive yourself and how those perceptions influence what you're able to do in what kind of behaviors you engage in right that your weight sometimes keeps you from doing things that you want to do or should do all the yeah and so but the thing is it's all tangled up and you're not quite sure how to go about untangling it right well yeah because remember that's all that's also Also another thing, it's like, okay, well, if I get skinny, no more excuses. Like, so what is that? What is that? Dispel it out for us, Guy, beautiful connection.

I mean, it just means that the door is actually, it feels like the door is my weight. Yes. It feels like the tangible representation of the door is my body. Fucking, Sigmund Freud would love you, man. Well, no, I, I bet. Am I right? It's like, that's the kind of thing that gets like psychiatrists turned on. Like, oh my God, like his weight is a psychosomatic representation of the barriers in his life. That's what it feels.

They're weighing him down. Literally. And then there's puns there. It actually works on so many levels. Yeah. But that's what I feel. And I think as long as I can remember, I've definitely like, like, I've definitely tried a lot. And again, it worked once.

Yeah. But unfortunately, the sad truth is the one time that it did work was because I actually suffered a very embarrassing leg injury. And at the time when I was dieting and that happened, I was like confined to my room. And I couldn't go anywhere or do anything at all except play Final Fantasy 14. So at that time, I just ate my diet food and stayed in my room. And then when my leg was feeling better, I come down in pants. that was like three sizes smaller. And after that, everybody was like, oh, my God.

Like, I mean, the picture's pretty staggering. So it's like, even then, I can't really credit my weight loss to some like, breakthrough. I was forced in my bed by, like, a leg injury. So it's like I didn't really do it. Yeah. I mean, so I see what you're saying, but I think you're actually selling yourself a little bit short. Because like, if you're, if you're sedentary,

in playing FF14 all day long, and you're not leaving your house, you could be eating like frozen tequitos every day, too. Oh, my God, yes. Right. I mean, I mean, ew. Yes, that could be. And so I think you're actually doing yourself a little bit to service, because even in that moment, like, you could have made unhealthy food choices,

and you made healthy food choices. Fair. Okay. Yeah. Um, okay, that, that, that's true. So be careful about that, right? So be careful about that part of your mind that disavows your successes. So like, you have to be careful because like your mind is doing this very, like, interesting thing where if you fuck up, whose fault is it?

Mine. And if you succeed, whose fault is it? Who gets the credit? Is it me? Not in this case, right? Yeah, exactly. That's what I mean. There's no, yeah.

Anything that is not me. Absolutely. Beautiful. Yeah. So when your YouTube channel was at its height, why was that? Sky? Because I got frustrated, so I made a vlog every single day in one month, and it exploded my channel. It just blew up. And so at that point, it was like really hard to deny that people didn't want to see me.

and so it exploded there. But then I still left for a while, but that was the most content I've ever put out. So, but just listen to that. You tossed out a really interesting sentence. It was really hard to deny that people didn't want to see you. Like, just think about that. The presumption is that you're trying to deny

that people want to see you. Like, that's where you start from is that I'm not worth seeing. And then the evidence became, so overwhelming that you are worth seeing that you couldn't deny it to yourself anymore. But at the core, there's no sense of value

to what you bring to the table. The evidence has to be overwhelming that you're doing something important that people enjoy for you to like overcome it. Yes, but this is also something that I think one of my biggest I don't know if this is a flaw, but

I have a very, very poor view of like the world in terms of people, like in terms of people that are looking at me, my, my field of vision is really, really limited to, like, Twitter and sometimes Reddit. So it's like, I look at my relationships with a lot of big content creators for a long time now to support this lifestyle. I pretty much asked everybody for money during my depression where I felt like I couldn't work. So a lot of my relationships have been tarnished in gossip channels here and there behind the scenes, of course. now I'm kind of known notoriously as a nigga that just keeps asking a friend that just keeps asking everybody for money.

And in my field of vision, it makes me feel that that is what every single person on Earth feels. Because, you know, in some ways, maybe in a conversation at Pax that I wasn't to, because I haven't been to like an event in four years. Maybe it was on a stream. Maybe it wasn't passing. Maybe it wasn't secret. These things get around. It's a very malicious thing. business YouTube. Yeah. So yeah, it's hard for me to to see that. So I think, Sky, the solution there is for you to not be that thing. Because they say it about you and you believe to a certain degree. Like there's a part of you that believes and there's a part of you that doesn't. I'm not that like, I'm not that person at heart. Like any money that I've asked for has not really ever been for

me, it's to support this abusive lifestyle that I had. So part of me knows that I'm okay. Like, Sky Williams will live. If I'm by myself, I will live. But I do know that I've asked a lot of people for money. I do know that I borrowed money. I do know I have to pay them back. That is what I am. I don't want to be that. And now at this late stage in the game, you're giving me the tools that I need to hopefully get myself out of this situation. But that's exactly what makes it feel so hopeless because the hole is pretty deep. And even though, again, you're giving me great tools, it's really hard for me to see the light, I guess. Yeah. So I think that that's okay. So like Mount Everest was not climbed in a day, right? Yeah. No, no way. So how do you

climb Mount Everest? Prayer and some tools. Sure. And? And? So let's say I'm at the base of Mount Everest and I have a rosary and I have some crampons and some boots and carabiners. What do I do that? Ah, you got to just dig deep somewhere. You have to really want to climb that mountain. Sure, I want to climb that mountain. But what do I do? I'm sitting at the base of Mount Everest.

What are you? Do you walk? Absolutely. Oh, okay. Right? So it's like, it's such a simple answer that it's like hard to see. But like you can't, it's like, you can talk about digging deep in psychology and like you find your inner self, man. Like, you got to, you got to want it.

No, you don't. No, you, you walk. You put one foot in front of the other. That's how you do it. It's not some like journey of like coming of age and rediscovering yourself. You fucking walk. Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking. I was like, this question.

Oh, no. No. So that's the problem, right? Is we think that progress in life is a fucking fairy tale. We think that it's a hero's journey. And we think that it's epic. And you have to dig deep within yourself. You have to do some real Samwise Gamgey level shit, right?

It's like Frodo and Mount Doom and like, oh my God. It's like, how did Frodo get to Mount Doom? Sam? Have you seen Lord of the Rings? Yes, I have. He just, he just one foot in front of the other, no matter what. Absolutely. One foot in front of the other, no matter what.

He got messed up so bad, too. Yeah, and what is the one thing that he didn't stop doing? Go to that volcano. Yeah. But you're right. That's it. People talk about the orcs. They talk about the ring.

They talk about Sam. They talk about Gandalf. And like, this is a story of putting one foot in front of the other. Yep. No matter what. No matter what. That's true. So, Sky, when it comes to getting out of your hole, what is the most important step you can take?

I love the shit. Incorrect. I love this shit. Because everyone thinks they have the right answers. That was such a good one, though. Was a good one. What's the most important step? What was the most important step in Frodo's journey?

Notting his head like, all right, let's go. Okay. Yes. Maybe getting a coalition of people to help him. Nope. Those are the tools. Those are the carabiners. What's the most important step that Frodo takes?

I don't know. So he takes one step, right? So he leaves, where is it? Like, um, Rivendell? What's that place? Yeah. Yeah. So he puts, he takes one step and he steps outside of Rivendell.

And then was he doing? That's, that's the first step. Is that the most important one? I'm making it sound like it's not because I don't think it is. You don't think it is. Okay. It feels like it is because I think, I think when you take a step to anywhere, it's, it's. So it's

It's really hard to go back on like a journey or a promise You know what I mean? Like if you take one step Let's let's make it less abstract So you you owe people, right? Yeah Have you taken one step towards helping them or repaying them? In some cases, yes

I've been trying to tell them that they Is that so, so okay So you've taken the first step towards repairing something, right? Some of it, yeah, not all of it, obviously. And why isn't that relationship repaired? Because over the past four years, it's been like, oh, yeah, give me this and this will happen. Oh, it will? Great. And then it doesn't happen. Yeah, I get that. So you need to repair your relationships. So you take the first step to repairing your relationships.

And the relationship doesn't get repaired, right? So when Frodo steps out of Rivendell, is the ring destroyed? No. Okay. So what has to happen for him to destroy the ring? What is the most important thing that happens after he steps outside of Rivendell? Help! No? I'm trying to... I'm asking you. Okay.

What does he have to do after the first step? Say it again? What does he have to do after the first step? I mean, I'm trying to even remember the movie. This is a little habit. Don't make it complicated. Okay. I can do this.

Okay, so you can do this. And we're not going to help you. we're going to leave you stranded. Oh, okay. So if you want to take a piss. Ah. Did to let down your zipper? No, literally, you want to take a piss.

So you have to go to the bathroom, right? Okay. And so you, the first, and you're saying the most important step is the first step that you take, which is you get out of a chair and you take one step forward. Then what do you have to do? You have to keep walking to the bathroom. Exactly. Oh, okay, yes.

Right? So what is the most important step after the first one? The second step. And then what's the most important step after the second one? The third one until you get to the bathroom. So the most important step you can take is the next step. God damn, that is, okay. I'm here.

I'm with you now. The next step. So here's your problem is that you're focused on the first step. And there are times where you take the first step and that that doesn't fix the relationship. And there are times where the first step is the hard step. And there are times where you can take the first step. But the first step is the next step.

When you're at place zero, the next step is the first step. And we all get caught up in this first step because of all these like, you know, epic journeys. And like it's such simple stuff. But it's actually you've been programmed to not care about the next step. This is very important to understand. our mind focuses on the top of the mountain. It doesn't focus on the step you have to take. Your mind focuses on salvation.

Your mind focuses on fulfilling everyone's expectations. Your mind focuses on getting out of jail. Your mind focuses on the end of the journey. And then it focuses on the beginning of the journey. So we focus on the end of the journey. And society tells us, okay, you should focus on the beginning of the journey, not the end. And it's actually all the shit in between that is the important part. Right? So like you've got to just, so, so let's talk about thoughts, questions.

I mean, just setting the third grenade next to the other two is fine. I'm good. I'm going to ask you about your weight if that's okay. That's totally fine. So tell me, tell me about your weight. Well, um, I'm huge. Um, I'm, uh, six, five. And, uh, pretty much way much as a house. I think right now, I think right now I must be like 360, like a circle, which isn't the heaviest I've been.

But it's like average, I guess. Yeah, go on. And so how do you feel about that? Well, I want to be anyone that's not me. It's like, because it's because I'm not funny fat. So it makes it hard. Like I have like a massive ass and thighs and breasts And sure that's funny to think about

But TV glorifies those with like beer bellies You know like big burly men With the beer in the sports That's funny fat You can get away with that With me I if I don't have a mustache I look like a lesbian I am not that isn't even or even a bit

Like I have been mistaken for a female So many times if I don't have facial hair It is not it's crazy So It's like that's more funny to laugh at not with. Sure. And I'm actually fine with being the butt of jokes,

but not about the door that keeps me from success. Like that, you know what I mean? Like, that's the only thing where I'm like, okay, well, I don't like this either. Yeah, so, Sky, what I'm hearing from you is that, like, I do agree, I think you've gotten very comfortable with becoming the butt of jokes. That's like, that's actually become some of your armor, right? like and there are a lot of people who for them motivation to get into shape comes from being

the butt of jokes unfortunately you're not so lucky yeah right and that you you're you've learned how to wear other people's ridicule like armor I just fire back at them too depending yeah like even my friends yeah we just go toe to toe and and so I do think that there's something going on so you were kind of saying something about you know this beautiful like super subconscious level stuff about like the door and in your weight and how the door is holding you back and like what was that like help me understand that sounded brilliant um i just gonna keep well like when i think about all the like all of my ideas and i daydream about videos that i want to do they're all in a body that's not this and it's because like believe it or not right i was

actually as a child extremely athletic. So whenever I daydream about things that I've been daydreaming about my entire life, my body has always looked a certain way. But then I have to like shelf those ideas. So it's like I think about what I want to do when I act. And oh, oh, but also I strangely have a deep amount of pride for the way that I look in public. I have very good ass crack awareness. I don't like to wear shirts that showed at at all.

I will always, when I shower, I have a whole cycle. It takes me a long time. I have been told that I smell good. When I go to people's houses that have wooden furniture, I make sure to sit on the floor. This is fat etiquette. And so it's like I make all of these adjustments and changes because of how much I don't want to be in the body that I am now.

and I fixate on every other YouTube channel, every other creator, because I just feel like, I don't know. Okay. That's where I get lost. So, Sky, I think you've stumbled upon something that's very, very important. Okay.

So when you think about doing all this content, you are not in the body that you need to be to do that content, right? Yes. And so, like, what that means is that, like, your life, you have an excuse to put your life on hold. Ah, right in the truth. Right?

And this is really important. Like everyone who's listening, like I do this shit too. So we all have these ideas. We have these fantasies about what our life is going to be like. But all of the fantasies don't start with where we are. They start at some point in the future. And we say that everything begins once I get to that. Once I graduate from college or once I get off of academic probation or once I lose weight

Or once this happens, then I can start living. I am getting absolutely bodied. Oh, yes, that, oh, man. Right? Life begins tomorrow. Yes. Not today. So you're damn right. I think, I mean, it's beautiful.

You're the one who put this together, man. You were the one who's saying that your weight is the door. No, you gave me to sword and shield. I just thought. Oh my God. Yeah. Okay. Jesus. Okay. I thought that was so not common. I just didn't think that anyone would be able to say it. Because whenever I look at people doing their own thing, it's like they're going through this grind. And I've never really like, oh, sorry. I was going to say that I never grinded, but that's not true. when I wasn't on YouTube, I've been working jobs ever since I was 14.

And by the time I was 17, I was working three restaurant jobs, like throughout my life until about 22 when this whole thing happened. Now I'm almost 30. So it's like, I don't know. Okay. You're right about my life being put on hold until tomorrow.

Unfortunately, right, what sucks most about weight loss is that it really, there are some changes that someone can make. Like, let's say I was an alcohol. I could just, it's not this easy, right? But in theory, I could stop drinking today. And then I can declare myself like, okay, well, I'm off alcohol. And the changes can happen over time.

There won't be too many massive physical ones compared to weight loss. But with weight, it's like, well, even if I took a stand today and started eating healthy, I'm still going to be in this body for a good amount of time. And it is so hard to like think that in that time, people will still be here. here waiting or if they should you know what i mean yeah it's a hard one i think so we're going to talk a little bit about spirituality if that's okay let's go yeah take me so what do you understand what the word karma means sky karma no karma oh karma yeah yes what's your understanding Correctly. Karma. Sorry. Yeah, no, no, no. That's fine. I just, yeah.

You're half brown, right? Yes, I'm half Indian, half black. Yeah. That's why I heard it. I was like, my understanding of it, it's not just what goes around, comes around. Like, is that just it? No, no, no. But I know that there's more to it. Okay. Let's start with what goes around comes around. So I want you guys to think about karma, like planting a seed and growing a tree that bears fruit. So we think about creation. We think about like creating change, right? And you're saying like, okay, like the problem here is that when I start to do the right thing, even though I'm like creating that change, that change is

delayed. So like it's hard because you're thinking about it like creating a change and you're doing all the right stuff, but you're not like reaping the rewards yet. And it's hard to continue to be motivated when you're doing stuff and you're not getting reinforced positively. It's kind of like being prudent about your 401K. Like if you just are really like, I guess disciplined in things that you do now, you get a better future. Isn't that really what it is? Yeah, sort of like that. So let's just think about that for a second.

So I think the challenge here is that for a lot of people, we're motivated by stuff going our way. Like we want out of boys. We want positive reinforcement. And that's like a normal part of human psychology, right? So if you're in a job and your boss says, hey, you did a really good job today. Like, that's going to motivate you to work hard tomorrow. And what I'm hearing from you is that even if you do all the right things, as you put it, you still have to be in this body for a while, even if you're doing the right stuff.

And that's hard. So what I want to explain is, so I think we need to think about your change in weight is not something that you do, but something that you cultivate. It's not something you can't create the body that you want to. You can cultivate the body that you want to. What's the difference between creation and cultivation? Cultivation, I guess, would stem from something lesser and kind of nursing it to something greater, whereas creation is taking something from nothing? Yeah, absolutely.

So what do you have more control over? Creation or cultivation? Cultivation. Damn it. Yep. Okay. Cultivation. because I can't create a body. I can't create life.

Like, ha ha! I have to... I mean, that's an interesting take. I was actually thinking the opposite, but I think yours makes sense too. Yeah. So let me put it to you this way. So like if I want to build...

But I think we're actually thinking about the same thing, oddly enough. Probably, yeah. But... So like, if I want to make a plant grow... Like, if I want a tomato plant and I have a seed, like, can I make that plant grow? In time, you can do... whatever you need to do to make it grow.

Can I? So let's say I plant it. And what do I need to do to make a, so I take a seed and I stick it in the earth. And then what do I need to do to make it grow? Water. Okay. So I water it. Then does the plant grow? No. I mean, it gets water, but then it doesn't grow immediately at all. Okay. Am I, is it going to grow eventually? God, I hope so. Yes. That's the right answer. I hope so, right? Because it may not grow. Oh, yeah. No, that, oh, yeah. I never thought about it not growing. I thought seed water. So that's exactly. So this is the point, Sky, because we think that if we create a formula for success, that the success will happen. Oh, my. Yep. We assume that the success will happen. But the success actually doesn't happen. It's not ours to control.

Right. So your whole problem is that your perception that you can control. your weight. You can't control your weight. All you can control, you can't control whether, whether the, the plant grows or not. All you can control is whether you water it. And this is the hard thing, because you're expecting a result. You eat healthy one day and you're like, where's my fucking tomato plant? You eat healthy the next day and you're like, where's my fucking tomato plant? The reason I'm eating healthy is because I want the, like, the reason I'm watering this is so that I get the tomatoes. Like, where are my tomatoes? Yeah. And every day that goes by, you do the right thing over and over and over again for a week. But you have to live in that body for a while. Right? You just can't, like, this is the thing. So this is the problem with like a mindset that's built on positive reinforcement, which is what our society largely conditions us to do. We talk about like, you know, giving everyone a trophy and all that kind of shit nowadays. Talk about positive reinforcement. We don't punish people. We don't spank people, et cetera.

And I'm not saying that that's bad. It's just we have to understand. We just have to understand what affects this has on our psychology. So the problem is that you're doing all the right things and you're not seeing the result. And therefore, you are losing motivation because your goal is the result, which makes sense. It's like, duh, right? Your goal is to lose weight. That needs to change.

You need to start focusing on the actions. You can't lose the weight. Don't focus on the result. Don't focus on the plant because you can't control whether the plant grows. Like, you can't control whether two months from now, you get depressed, and all of your hard work goes to the wind. Right? You can't control that. What can do you control?

Oh, shit. I mean, oh, darn. Sorry. My mind is just finding room for the rest of the grenades. Okay. That's okay. Take your time. So I can control what I eat.

Absolutely. Right? Exactly. Right? So like, I want you to think about this. What you eat, which step is that? Step one? Sort of. Yeah, sure. Right? So it's the next step. Because what you eat... Oh, then that's not had next step. Right? So sure, it's step one, because like every meal is one step. And so you can't control whether you get to mortar. You don't know if you're going to make it there. You don't know what's going to happen. You don't know if you're going to get abducted by orcs. You don't know if there's going to be an earthquake.

But you can control the next meal. And if your goal is to lose weight, like that's not the right way to do it. You could just got to focus on the next step. That would be my product of taking the right steps. Exactly. This is exactly right. Beautiful word. Byproduct.

Goals and success are byproducts. They're not created. This is one of the biggest things that's misunderstood in life. Success is a byproduct. It's not a goal. Weight loss is not literally. So tell me. I want you to tell me, Sky, pretend that I'm, that, okay, I'm just trying to think about this.

Pretend I'm a robot in that my, I want to lose weight. How do I lose weight? Like, or robot's not the right word. I would say, okay. Like, how do you lose weight? What do you do? Give me verbs. You eat the right foods.

Yeah. And not a lot of them. And you drink water. Yep. Maybe exercise. Yeah, right? So that's not losing weight. I want you to understand this very clearly.

Losing weight is not something you can do. Losing weight is not a verb. Losing weight is a byproduct of actions. Oh, my God. Okay. So then that means that that means that my... I shouldn't focus. on getting like a million

subs or having a million views all I can do is just make good stuff and the byproduct would be success. Exactly. Now you understand it because you're not even fucking talking about weight loss anymore. Right? You're talking about

what you can actually control. And your problem is you're so fucking obsessed with the subs. That's not where you're being obsessed with subs does nothing to get you subs. Focus on the content. Hold on, let me, can I write that down? Sure.

One second. So like, and this is the funny thing is if you look at your life, you've done that before. When did you do that? What's the example of when you focused on the content? And you gave to, you gave no shits about your subs and your following base. You told me about it earlier today. That was, that was when I put out a video every day. Absolutely. Success is the byproduct. It's not the goal. This is what Dharma means. Dharma means duty or responsibility. Devote yourself to the action. Like when I work in the emergency room, and I mean, I don't do this now, but like if someone comes in who's got a heart attack and I think to myself, oh shit, this guy is going to die, oh shit, this guy is going to die, how does that help me as his doctor?

Yeah, that's a good boy. this is not at all. What matters is chest compressions, right? Like, whether the guy dies or doesn't die, like I have no control over that. What I have control over is pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, staying alive.

Staying alive. Staying alive. Is that real? Yeah, that's the rhythm that you do it to when you're doing chest compressions. It's great. Okay, I'll do that. Later on, I'm definitely going to practice.

So you're saying that when the dude comes in with a heart attack, you're not thinking about saving his life so much as you're thinking about doing the steps that have been proven to save lives, the byproduct that you... Yeah. It's not even doing... It's doing the next thing, right? Does the guy have a fucking pulse? If he doesn't have a pulse, we're going to do chest compressions. If he's got a pulse, then we're going to move on to the next thing.

We're going to check his blood pressure. We're going to check this or check that, check his breathing. But the most important thing is the next thing. And like, I think you fail. You tell me. If, if the guy dies and you did everything right or you did everything to the best of your ability, I guess, I guess that's just life then. I guess that just sucks.

How do you think you feel, though? Honestly, I think about this a lot. And I don't know how if I actually gave a hundred percent of something and then I failed, I don't know if I would be upset about it. Because it's like, that's all I could have given. I did everything that I could. So, Sky, I want you to go back and watch this Vod. And earlier, we talked about giving it all, going on stage, and what happening?

And I fell. And what did I say that? How are you going to feel when you do that? That I'm not going to feel too good about it. And what are you saying now? And now I'm saying that if I went on stage and I gave it. 100% that I wouldn't feel bad about it? Absolutely.

What does that mean? Am I a liar? No, that means you understand now what you didn't understand before. In an hour. Oh, this is crazy. Right? Go back, because I told you something that you were skeptical about.

I said, if you give it your all, it actually feels fine. And you were like, I don't think so. You were like, I don't think so. I think I would feel devastated because I gave it all. And now you know, right? Because you did everything that you could. And sometimes you water the tomato plant day after day after day and the fucker doesn't grow.

Well, I haven't done everything that I could, but I know what you're trying to say. Absolutely. And that's why you deserve regret. Oh, wow. Deserve regret. Yes. That is the, that's my new rap name. That is the, I've never heard those two words next to each other.

ever. So that's... Deserve regret. That is fascinating. Deserving it. Because you didn't give it, you're all, right? So like, when that guy comes in, when that guy comes into the, the emergency room and his heart isn't beating, there is a scenario in which I deserve regret.

And what is that scenario? If you didn't try your best? Absolutely. Oh, my God. Oh, grenades. Nevada, nuke. Oh, God. Okay.

This is crazy. I don't even know what to say or think. Good. Just think that you're doing great, Sky. I hope because this is... God, I was so arrogant. Like, I'm thinking like... Good.

Like, now you see your ego. Excellent. Yeah, but okay, how do I get rid of that? You're doing it. The first thing is to recognize it, right? The first thing is to recognize. See, you didn't even realize that that was ego. You thought that that was you.

You thought it was logical. You thought it was correct. I thought it was normal. Yeah. Yeah. And now you see that there's a different way. Perfect. And practically, I think you need to instill some confidence in yourself by...

I was about to say losing weight, but not losing weight. So you tell me... Sky, what are you going to do? Losing weight is not something you can do. What are you going to do? Eat better. That's like way too fucking abstract for me. I'm going to,

uh, I mean, I guess the first, the first thing I'll do is, like, it's so funny that if you just looked like, right around me out of frame is just a, desolate wasteland of soda and pizza and and just shit.

So the first thing I'm going to do is probably clean up all this garbage and replace the food that I have. Probably go on keto again. That's what I did last time. It worked out very, very, it works really well for me. Or for everybody. It works for me. Shit.

And then I'm just going to do things one step at a time. I'm going to edit a video today. Good. And then the next step is just to make another video. I guess if I just think of it as just releasing videos instead of having the goal of getting views or subs, that's going to yield a better result. Yep.

It's probably back. So now we get to the Zen stuff where they're like, if you want the best result, let go of the result. Right? This is all the like Zen co-on, like, you know, then they're say like, you know, what's the sound of one hand clapping? and it's like weird and paradoxical, but yeah.

So you're going to clean up a little bit. Was the one-hand clapping thing? What? They ask a question, what's the sound of one-hand clapping? That's a pretty famous one. I've never heard that best type. Oh. It's called a co-on.

So co-ons are tools that are used to help us break out of like the logic of our mind. Because truth is not logical. Like understanding is like not logical. So earlier you had a logical conclusion that giving it, you're all and falling flat, would be devastating. And that's a logical conclusion because when you give 50% and you fall flat, you hurt 50% and you're protected 50%. And so when you give 75% and you hold back 25%, it hurts more than when you give 50%. So it's logical to assume that if you give 100%, you'll be completely devastated. But oddly enough, that's not how it works.

So I'm thrilled to hear that you're going to clean your room and edit videos. I think somewhere in there you should make a trip to a grocery store. Is that doable? Yes. Okay. That logical thing you just said too. Yeah. I'm just like, it's just all like.

Okay. Sorry. It's just crazy. No, no, no, no. You're fine. It's just, it's crazy to think that it felt like this wasn't in my capacity of understanding. And I was just trapped. And then I would have just what?

Like, had I not talked to? to you just died, just thinking these things were true? That's terrifying. No, so don't be terrified. I mean, I understand that it's terrifying. So you're missing a piece of the equation, right? Is that like, like, I'm here, though, and I'm supposed to be here, and this is karma. This is karma.

That I owe you something. And this is me repaying a debt. you owe me something yes right so it's my job in life you chose this birth and this is like you guys don't have to believe this stuff it's just a perspective that I find useful

that your your soul or a part of yourself set up a life in which there are going to be some people who help you out and I'm one of those people and this is because in a previous life when I was like, you know, had a, I don't know what the equivalent of like ancient YouTube is,

but I asked you to sub and you subbed and then I didn't make content. And so I owe you. And this is repaying that debt. I am familiar with this. Yeah. Well. And don't worry, Sky, because Frodo, it was Frodo's job to get to Mount Doom, right? And Frodo, what would have happened if Fro, like, of Noah?

one came along. Frodo would have just gotten bodied. Yeah. You would have gotten absolutely bodied. Absolutely. But the truth is that like a lot of people came along, right? Yes. With no how Frodo would have gotten freed up.

Yes. And the good news is that like you're not living life alone. And that I'm here. Your community is there. Hopefully some family members or people that you love are there. and that people will continue to appear in your life to help you out when you need it. Have faith in that. That is all things that I believe.

I am only my last remaining obstacle. I know that, I don't know if we're probably like at a time, but I just wanted to say that. Go, go, go, go. I hear all of that. And now I will say that even in this conversation, there have been, I mean, after this call, of course, I'm just going to go sit in my room and stare at the wall for a bit, which is good. They're all good stuff. I guess I just need, I hope that someone bets on me one more time.

Right now, of course, you know, I'm at the end, as I've told you before, of this cycle. I've downsized the people that I've lived with. I've cut my rent in a fourth. I used to pay in an incredible amount. Now I'm able to save money, but I'm still out of it. So all I'm hoping right now is that with the tools that you've given me, I know that I can be better. I mean, really, I do.

Jesus Christ, but I'm about to watch the shit again. So, Sky, this is very important to understand. Don't let your mind get into this last refuge, which is that you can use all of the tools that I'm giving you, and is your life going to be transformed? I mean, it's not guaranteed. Absolutely. I'm glad you understand that.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, like, there's still a possibility that after this, like, I just fail. But I guess, like, I personally feel like I have to be fine with it if that happens. Because I, like, I set myself into this life. I made my bed hard. I got to lay in it. Good.

My dad. But I am going to. use your tools and hopefully my byproduct becomes success from it. So absolutely. Beautiful. So I think that like one last thought that I'll leave you. So sometimes I use this analogy with people who are especially recovering from substances, that there's a lag time between sewing positive karma and reaping negative karma.

That a lot of times in life, like if you've been using substances for a long time, then you have like you've sewn all this shitty ass. like fruit that's toxic and it bears it grows into trees and it bears fruit and you're harvesting that nasty ass fruit and you're sowing good seeds you're sewing like fresh healthy fruit but there's a lag time where you're doing all the right stuff and you're just getting bodied day after day after day after day and you just have to like persevere and keep on putting one foot forward and then acknowledge that if you don't continue sewing bad karma that that curse crop of fruit will run out and then you'll be like in in the good zone but that you buy yourself

some amount of shit based on the karma that you've sown in the past so you buy yourself being 360 pounds you buy yourself exorbitant rent but already you've started to sow good karma you've cut back on your rent you're thinking about like going back on keto you're coming on stream and you're actually like talking about this shit which is hard to talk about Right. So these are positive gharmas and like the habits and sort of like consequences of your past behavior still linger. And so just be prepared for those. And you're going to get bodied some. But that people will show up and people will help you. And if you continue to do the right thing every day, that your life will be different. That's what I believe. Thoughts, questions? Yes, but I don't want to. Okay. I can just talk forever. So I don't, I just, uh, I just got to sit with it, I guess. Okay.

So. Oh, go on. You want to sit with it? I mean, I'm just saying, I can talk about it. I'm only, I'm not clear about how much time we have. I know that it's really not good to put, like, you know, I'm not even pressuring anything. It's just, you know, you already know, I could just talk for the rest of my life. So it's like, I don't want to waste your time or anything like that.

No, I'm not worried about you wasting my time. I do think, though, that, Sky, that in my experience, talking for about an hour, if we continue talking, you're going to lose the earlier stuff. So, like, the brain has sort of a bandwidth of, like, one hour of, like, education at the time or, like, discovery. So I want you to sit with those. My only question is, do you want to meditate right now? Or do you want to just have these thoughts in your head and process them? I am comfortable talking about what I think or whatever or discussing it now. definitely like I'm never not ready for that it's just this is like I mean this is just big

okay so then I think just just think give yourself some time to think and and then let's let's check in yeah let's check in whenever okay yeah you let me know just you know it can be on stream or off stream just let me know because this is because I mean I'll be honest like I guess closing thoughts for me then. Sure. I would like to believe that people that are my fans or followers, family, friends, I'd like to believe that I definitely actually convinced myself in every way, shape, and form long before today, something that they may have never seen. Like, maybe they don't, maybe when I go out on stage, they don't see me as, they never saw me as falling. I never fell.

I thought that I did and I put that into my head and probably made bad content afterwards because of that that it was clouded with the idea that I wasn't, like that I was an imposter that the person that

when I first started YouTube, I post a video and I'm looking I'm responding to no joke. 9,000 comments. I'm literally responding to everybody. And now I don't do that. I can't even look at my channel. So it's like,

this just has a lot and and I I look forward to the follow up. I promise you nothing of what was said in the hour of loss. And I'm going to watch this bod so much that I might memorize it. Okay. So, Sky, I'm going to leave you with one last burden. Okay. Oh, sweet. Yeah, I know.

So I'm, at least I'm being transparent about it. So understand that people are watching, right? And I think that what's going to happen, with people that are watching is like some of them are getting voyeuristic pleasure out of it. Some of them are getting intellectual pleasure out of it. Some of them are wondering, like, there's stuff that you're saying that resonates with them. There's things that are coming out of your mouth or there are things about your life that they feel are true of their lives. And they're wondering whether change is actually possible.

They're wondering whether change is, like, they're wondering, like, is this irreversible or is there hope? Who do you think bears the responsibility for showing them that there is hope? The answer, me? Yes. Me! They're the person who's getting wheeled into the emergency room after a heart attack, and you're the guy who's going to do chest compressions. That's your Dharma.

That's what you owe them. I owe them a lot. Biblical amount. So don't let them down. I won't. I get one, yep, yep, yep. Strong work, man. Thanks for coming on.

Thank you. You want to just tell people about your channel real quick? Sure, everyone. Hi. My last four years have been me crying. But I make fun videos. I do gameplay videos with friends. And I do vlogs.

And hopefully my channel will be filled with content that's not sponsored or me complaining. Good. I just, I don't know if they're mad of me. to activate Windows pockets. Okay. Well, you know, yeah, so how about you all come on by the channel in a few weeks after it's been spruced up with content and all the old stuff is buried. How about that? Yeah, cool.

So I think I like watching Skyplay lull. I don't know if you mention that. I'm very loud and angry when I play League of Legends. It is a plague on society and I endure it for you. Yeah, cool. But dude, you're amazing. Thank you for having me on again. I'm always, this is always helpful.

And let me know whenever you're free and I'll be here. Okay, take care, Sky. Good luck, man. Okay. All right, thank you. Well, you know, you don't need luck. No, you are a guy. I mean, friend, you're a God.

Anyway, I'm going to go sit in my room and just think. Okay. And get some of you. I'll try. See you.