HealthyGamerGG - Talking w/ TheStockGuy

Episode Date: February 11, 2021

In today's episode, Dr. K and TheStockGuy talk about processing trauma, the importance of self-love, and what goes into being the best parent you can be. Dr. K also FOMOs into a completely random stonk with a dowsing pendant. Stream Schedule: https://www.twitch.tv/healthygamer_gg on Twitch. Youtube: https://youtu.be/s5cjlHMkOUM for VoD Archive. Support us at https://ko-fi.com/healthygamer if you enjoy our content and would continue helping making it accessible to everyone! Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

That's what I'm giving a shot here. I'm giving it a shot here. But it's, ah, there we go. All right, got it. Got it. We're good. We're good. Can't see chat, which is probably even better.

Success, ladies and gentlemen. That's right. Saved, we are here. Okay. Yeah, I try to minimize, um, I try not to look at chat when I'm talking to people. But yeah, well, I wish, I wish, I do the market, so I have to steal content from anywhere I can and it's usually them.

Cool. That is a massive cup of something. Ice tea. Ice tea. Good stuff. Yeah, I got it. Thank you. Oh, now you can.

Thanks, dear. Appreciate it. All right. I see you have a red thread around your right wrist. Yes, this is from my wedding. Oh, how long ago were you married? Well, it's been replaced since then, but we had our wedding in January of 2019. Oh, interesting.

In Delhi, yeah. Wow. that sounds wild, man. I mean, it was interesting because I tried bringing an elephant in because I wanted to ride an elephant into my wedding because I was like, listen, one of two things. Either A, I have an epic story or B, I'm trampled to death by an elephant in my own wedding, which is also an awesome story. So for me, I was like, that would be cool. But they wouldn't allow us to have an elephant within the city limit. So I had to ride a horse in.

That's, you know, it's really frustrating that you weren't able to get your elephant. You know, I figured there'll be another time. There'll be another time. I'll chalk that one up to as, you know, a missed opportunity. And so am I calling you stonk a guy or what do you go by? Stocky, TSG, boomer, Foxy, I don't know. There's a million names out there. What do you prefer?

I don't really have a preference. I just kind of go with what it is. I mean, well, okay. No, not Jim Kramer. God. Whatever, whatever is comfortable for you. Stocky, TSG, stock guy. Okay.

I guess I'll go with TSG unless, should I just use your name? Or is that secret? I mean, they know my name. It's just awkward because of the character, well, not character, but the person I play on stream. So, I mean, if you want to call me Jason, that's fine. Okay. We can go with TSG. All right.

Yeah, so tell me, TSG, what do you want to talk about today? Anything in particular? I mean, I don't know. I mean, they reached out just to talk. I don't know. I was told. Let me, let me orient you. Okay, please.

Okay. So oftentimes people come on to the stream because they want to learn about something or they need help with something. So I recognize that. So a lot of times people on Twitch will like have kind of like, you know, podcasts or whatever where they'll talk about stuff. We usually don't talk about stuff. sort of a third person way, although we certainly can. So usually, like, a lot of streamers, you know, will have particular questions about mental health or they have an issue they're struggling with or things like that that will

kind of then explore together using the lens of like, you know, actually yourself. But some people have, you know, that they're not entirely comfortable with that or things like that, which is totally cool. In which case, we can just, you know, talk. If there are any questions that you have that I can answer, that's totally fine. I think two of the things that had been floated were sort of talking about FOMO or financial stress. And I don't know if those topics seem relevant to you or anything like that. We can talk more about your marriage if you want to, what it's being like married to an Indian woman.

You know, whatever you want to talk about. So oftentimes people come here with a particular. like goal in mind but if if you don't have one that's totally fine we can you know we can roll with it um yeah no i mean i'm still trying to get this over um as far as me like i'm not really a twitch person it's gonna be weird to say that um i'm not so yeah so two and a half years ago i never even heard what twitch was uh and even now um after i get done streaming i you know i have to you know i have my newborn so i take care of her get my wife a break i have to take care of the life the dog uh business inquiry stuff, you know, trades and so like that.

So I don't really spend a lot of time on Twitch. I'm just now starting to network with people after the two years. So I knew who you were and what, what you do and the way that, you know, you talk with stream or stuff like that. I knew of that, but I didn't have a lot of like deep understanding of it. So, you know, but one of my mods also works with your team. So I kind of understood. So for me, I'm coming into this a little blind.

but I think that I think that it's a good opportunity since you work with mental health and helping people understand things. I actually think that this is a good time to talk about certain things for people because I think this whole GameStop fiasco. A lot of people got caught up in something they didn't know. A lot of people had some misunderstandings. A lot of people lost a lot of money or they didn't knew what they were doing. And I think that it's actually a good conversation to have regarding FOMO. whether it's chasing get rich quick, you know, following the trend and stuff like that. I think that it's actually a relevant conversation.

So I thought that was something maybe we could begin with and then kind of ease in from there. Yeah. So tell me about the GameStop quote fiasco. Oh, well, like from the beginning or like just kind of like what's going on? Well, I mean, basically, you know, there was this thing online where it started out that we could make money. You know, there was money that this stock is going to go good. And then as it got up, there was more hype around it. regarding a short squeeze and gamma squeeze, which is in stock terms,

mean there's a chance that this can exponentially go up. And then it started doing that. And the squeeze happened. But I think a lot of people, it went from potential to make money to it's going to make everyone a millionaire. We're going to take down the big guy and we're going to get rich doing it. And I think a lot of people who didn't really understand what was going on also threw money at it like anything.

And now they're bag holding from the top. and they've lost a lot of money. And some people who are maybe more susceptible to sensationalism or gambling or are in a really bad financial situation thought this was their out. And now they're way worse off than they were before. And, you know, I'm seeing that around and I'm really, it really bothers me. And, you know, I was very clear with these guys. Yeah, we were having fun.

We were hyping it up to Andrew and we're all in this and it's all great. But I tried to make it very clear throughout the time, you know, guys, also don't be in this holding over the weekend more money than you have that you can afford to lose because it is a total gamble. It's a complete gamble. GameStop is not going to be $300 or $400 in a year. So be careful. And a lot of people, they get caught up with the emotions and they lost a lot of money. And I've always been one of those people who, you know, I hate seeing people in my community lose money or people out there lose money because I try to make it my mission to help people. But I'm also an entertainer. So it's a little bit of a mixture there. So that's something I've been.

I've been struggling with a little bit, but I feel, you know, I feel for some of those people. What do you, what do you mean by you've been struggling with? What exactly has been the struggle? Um, the struggle for me is, is that, you know, you're always going to, I'm, I'm one of those guys who always wonder if, if, if potentially I didn't like, you know, I didn't give enough warning. Because I've always built my stream on the idea that I want to help people make better financial decisions, you know, teaching them stuff. Me, making it fun, right? So we have people that have learned about getting their 401k and their IRA or refinancing their house or getting their loan down or, you know, management fees, you know, HSA. I mean, there's so many things that's so much good and so much awesomeness and amazing things that have happened in this community.

It gives me a purpose every day. It's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. But I sometimes, like if somebody finally says, hey, stock guy, because of you, I started investing. That's awesome. Next day, the market's down 5%. And it's like, now I feel guilty. You know what I mean? Like, even though I know that this is part of the market, like, they're looking at me like,

I did. I listened and now I'm losing money. Like, I feel guilt even though I didn't do anything. And with the GameStop fiasco, it was fun. It was engaging. I was loving it with the hype was great. even though I was giving the message along the way of guys, don't put in more than you can afford to lose.

It's a gamble. If you have your money, now you can sell your shares for profit, sell your original investment, let the rest ride, hand the torch off. And I, even though I shouldn't,

a little bit of part of me is like, how clear were you and did you like, I mean, I can't force somebody to do it. But I sometimes I'm like, you know, yeah, I said it, but, you know, I don't know. There's just a little bit there.

So, but that's about it. Let me see. I kind of understand what you're saying. And if the questions get, if you want to be a little bit more abstract and less personal about your own feelings, just let me know, okay? Oh, I got, I'm just some dude on the camera. I'm not worried. Yeah, okay. So what I'm hearing is that, you know, in a sense, you kind of know you're not responsible, right? So like you, you're very clear in terms of trying to provide guidance, you know, there's no such thing as a sure thing. You're being very explicit with people that you're like, this is a fucking gamble. Right.

Absolutely. It's a gamble. It's a meme. You've been saying it all along. And at the same time, I'm noticing that in your head, you're doing all the, you're actually behaving in a responsible way, but that there's a part of you that, I know it sounds kind of weird, feels responsible when people lose money. It's something I've struggled with from the beginning. You know, I'm very, very clear that, you know, actively trading the odds are heavily against you. You know, day trading odds are heavily against you. You know, there's no such thing as a sure thing. I mean, the market itself always goes up historically. I mean, yeah, it goes down, but then it goes back up. So investing is not so much a gamble, but actively trading, day trading is a gamble.

It's a gamble. And you're most likely not going to beat the market. And even if you do, the sweat equity you put in isn't worth the profit at the end. And that's why even me, I tell them all the time. I put 90% of my money in long-term investments. 10% I trade and I make money. When I make profit, I dump them into my long term. And that's it.

And I'm very clear. You know, I'm not telling anybody they're going to get rich or I'm not trying to tell them, you know, follow me and you'll have a yacht. I'm very clear. And we talk about a lot of stuff. But for some reason, I feel like, even though it's not my fault, you know, I sometimes get a little bit of that guilt of, you know, they lost money because they invested or they invested and they've lost money in the short term. You know, I can't time it perfectly. I just want to

get them interested. Do people blame you? Not anymore. I think people understand more, but it's not so much that they blame me. I mean, they blame me as a meme, but I think I put it on myself more than they put it on me. Yeah. So let me ask you, how much, how much does that guilt sort of bother you? Like, how inconvenient is it? Because I'm hearing very clearly that like in your head, I think you're doing all the right stuff and you've really thought this, you've thought the ethics of it kind of threw pretty heavily is what I'm getting from you. Mm-hmm. Is that the SEC? No. So I'm sort of getting the sense that you really, you know, have thought through not taking advantage of people, not promising yachts and things like that, you know, teaching basic financial literacy, being open with the fact that 90% of your investments are in like long term, not unexciting stuff. And that 10% is kind of what you play around with.

And so I'm hearing that you've been very, very judicious with that. And I'm still kind of curious from like a personal standpoint, how much does it bother you? to have these feelings of guilt. I mean, my wife has to tell me all the time. She's like, you literally tell these people everything, but like you put it, not even a disclaimer, you just tell these guys, hey, listen, this is this, this, this is this, this is this, don't do, don't do anything, don't chase it. You're not going to get rich. There's a difference between making money and building wealth. There's a, you go through this. But newer people see the excitement. They see the money you make real quick when you make a big share trade or when something

like that. They see all this and they want to get in on it too. And and they fomo in and then they lose money and it's like if you didn't have this, this, this, or you didn't have the gains channel, like in my Discord, I have a gains channel. And people post their gains, right? They never post their losses, but they post their gains. Sometimes they're up 7,000 percent in a week or like a thousand, you know, percent in a day. And it's like they go in there and they see that and people like, oh, I can do that too. And it's like, you know, I know that that's just what people are doing. They're showing their stuff. But at the end of the day, like, I don't know. There's a small part of me, sometimes bigger than I think that just I don't want to see people get hurt.

I really don't want to see people get hurt. Why do you say bigger than you think? Because I know that it's not my fault and that I've done everything in my power to make it very clear. But these people started doing this because of me. And so a small part of me is like, hey, you know, I stopped doing options on stream. I mean, I still do a few here, but I used to do mostly options on stream because it's exciting. It's fun. It's content.

Lots of money to be made or lost quickly. But then I started noticing lots of people that were new. We're like, oh, I can do that too. I'm just going to copy everything he does or everything everybody else is doing and they lose everything. So I was like, I have more responsibility with a bigger platform now. Let me kind of bring it back to a little bit more responsible and still make content out of it. Okay. Yeah.

And so I'm still feeling like I didn't get a clear answer to my question. How much does the guilt bother you? I mean, like if I could take a magic one. wand and wave it away, how appealing would that be? I mean, it's not the biggest issue in my life. It's not, it's not, it's not, it's not like in the top five issues in my life. But I think about it. I spend all my time outside stream that I'm not doing with family dealing with the business and with the stream and with the community and stuff like that. So it does, it does affect me, but it's not like, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm not able to eat dinner because of it. Yep. Yeah, yeah. So, so well said.

So I'm not getting the sense that it is a big issue. So I guess, TSG, what I'm kind of digging for is essentially like a topic for us to dive into because in my experience, the most useful thing is to like pick one thing and explore it thoroughly. Right. And so by doing that, we sort of understand the nuance. I think a big part of your stream is like helping people understand that it's not simple. Right. Yeah. And helping people just get to a better.

life because I come from such poverty and such shit life that, you know, this is something I'm passionate about. This is something I love. And I want to share with people. And the fact that these guys are so much positivity is coming out of it just gives me this purpose of like, fuck yeah, I love this. This is addicting, you know. Yeah. So can you tell us a little bit about where you come from? Sure. So basic TLDR. Both my parents were drug addicts. My mom was a stripper. They moved to Hawaii was born there. They divorced shortly after. Stayed with my mom.

Mom was not right in a lot of ways. Dealt with a lot of problems. Lived in a shack on a mountain side in Hawaii. No electricity, no running water. Basically rainwater with a fire for showers and an outhouse and just running around barefoot. Kind of went to school. Had a lot of medical issues as a kid because of the unsanitary conditions.

Slept back and forth between her and other people was taken out of the home my home several times by the state always returned um very very very bad abuse um in a lot of ways there um you know eating out of dumpsters because she was trading you know um food stamps for drugs and stuff like that so it was really rough uh went back and forth between my dad on the mainland panhandling for money with him so they could buy more drugs it was just a really shit situation um When I was 10, taken out, brought to the mainland, put in a children's home, was there by myself until I graduated high school. Went into the military.

It was the only opportunity I had because I had a hard time in school. Went to war. Came back. Did Katrina recovery. Came out. Didn't really have qualifications. Did some jobs. Got into transit officer.

Did some other things. Got into hotels. Eventually playing poker, learned how to gamble, which got me into the job. which got me into the stock market, which got me into penny stocks, which was stupid, blew up all my accounts. Then ended up learning about actual stocks and actual investing and trading. And that grew a passion, learned about economics and finance and grew a huge passion, started getting good at trading and investing, started making good money off of it, really good money off of it. Then I had a really bad year. I lost my mother, my father, my brother and another family member in one year.

But before that, they were sick, so a lot of money went to helping. So I had to decide, do I go back to working, go back to trading? So I did both. And then started streaming just for fun because I was tired of going online looking for community to trade stocks and talk stocks, but everything was either pump and dump or a scam or selling courses or just idiots. So I was like, let me create my own. Started out with the fun D-Gen stuff, found that people really, really enjoyed D-Gen stuff,

like just yoloing, like taking $10,000 and gambling it on a wild stock. you know, for fun, for content. But then I realized that people actually wanted to learn this stuff. And I was able to teach it in a manner that people understood it. And it just kind of grew from there. And now here we are. That's quite the story. Yeah, I left a lot out because I don't want to drag it out.

But yeah. That's horrifying. Oh, I got married and had a kid, too. I think we figured that part out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, if you left a lot out, I mean, what you put in didn't seem like quite the painful ride. Yeah, it sucked.

Let me think about how to ask this. Can I think for a second? Yeah, go for it. I'm usually not this open, but I mean, my chat knows my backstory for the most part. While you're thinking, I'm going to go turn down the AC. Is that cool? Sure. Yeah, go for it.

Man, I have no idea where to go from here. So much. Sorry about that. Okay, cool. No, that's totally fine. So, TSG, I find myself being incredibly curious and fascinated about your personal journey. Mm-hmm. You know, there's a lot of stuff in there that sounds absolutely, like, devastating to live through.

I think that there's a really interesting, like, dichotomy between the background that you share in the person that you are today. like you seem happy to me. I mean, we all have our personal struggles. You know, stream, I like what I do. And this is why I'm so passionate about streaming because it's a moment for me to forget any other issue. And to give other people happiness, joy or, you know, help them better their lives or, you know what I mean?

It gives you that purpose. Like you go through your life. never having a real purpose, feeling like you're just kind of like running a race, but you don't know where the finish line is. And now it's like, hey, I found a path. It might not be the right path, but if I follow it, maybe that's where the finish line is. You know what I'm saying? So at least I'm, it's kind of given me that purpose.

And I'm really passionate about it. Yeah. Yeah. And I've built a great community. Well, I haven't built it. They've built it. But it's an amazing community. Okay.

So I'm going to say this again. So you seem happy. I mean, I try to be. I try to be. I've got my own demons I deal with. You know, I mean, and I tell these guys all the time, you know, every, you see stuff online. It's usually a highlight reel, right? People put up their highlight real. Everybody, I had a conversation about this today. You know, everybody sees the highlight real. So yeah, I mean, I struggle with certain things. But I think that, um, I'm in a better place now than I have been in other times in my life. So I want to highlight a couple of things. So one is that, you know, the relationship, I want to be like a little bit precise with our language. So one is that, you know, it sounds to me like you have your struggles, you have your demons that you fight. But that really having purpose is what allows you to have the strength to deal with those struggles. What would you say to that? I'd say it's more of a distraction.

Interesting. Can you say more about that? Oh, we're going to get deep here. Okay. I don't usually talk about my stuff, but I'll do it here because it's just pausing for a second. So we're hitting the border of my guilt. Okay. So we're here to learn about you and to try to help you. But also, I don't want you to say anything that you don't feel comfortable saying. Oh, no, no. I'm not going to push into that. I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I mean, for the for for for for the purpose of this, you know, it's good because I'm a very big, um, advocate of of seeking or talking about things and not bottling. them up. Obviously, though, I'm on a platform where there's a lot of people. So I have to be careful. But what I mean by distractions. So I think that, and I say this a lot, I feel like a lot of the funniest people do it because they're hiding pain. And it's a way of dealing with that, right? So for me, I think it's a distraction because not only does it give me a purpose, but when I'm doing this, I'm not focusing on the other stuff. This is my focus. And so the other issues of not sleeping a

lot or having, you know, physical pains or, you know, potential mood swings or anxiety or depression or whatever else you deal with. This right here is you're on stage. There's the lights. You know, that's it. You know, the crowd is darkened. It's you. And you're focusing on what you do. And you know that there's good feedback. You're doing a good thing. It's a great distraction. It doesn't take away, but it does a good job of distracting. It's kind of like when you deal with horrible trauma, whether it's in as a childhood or in war, your brain sometimes compartmentalizes that. And you'll black out certain things that you would normally remember. Your brain does that or it'll compartmentalize it and let it surface when you're sleeping and

you have night terrors or whatever. So I think that this is, it helps with what issues I do face with. I think it's a great distraction. Not a cure, but a distraction. And what about the cure? I'm not a doctor. I mean, I'm not going to say that there is no cure for these things. I mean, I'm sure that therapy helps.

I'm sure that, oh, shit, Tesla, thanks you. I'm sure that medication and stuff like that, you know, which I've talked and I've gotten some issues or help with the issues I've had. And, you know, but at this point, I'm at that age where it's like, you know, I'm not cynical or apathetic to the idea of curing it, but I've just kind of dealt with it so long. I'm just kind of used to it. I think that makes a lot of sense. Let me just, let me just repeat back what I heard. So, as you said, I'm not a doctor. So I can't say that there's no cure. But basically, there's no cure. That's what I heard. No, no, no. I believe that there definitely is something out there or there are opportunities. But for me, I'm just like, why do what? Why do you believe that? Well, because. I've been able to get certain things that have helped me move away from certain things.

But at the same time, I'm not one of those guys who I'm a veteran. I've dealt with other veterans. And I've seen veterans dealing with stuff. And the cure was them medicating them until they're a zombie. I can't live that kind of life. I would rather live who I am in pain than live as a zombie, but not deal with certain issues. Not that I'm against medication. I'm just saying I saw that.

That doesn't sound like it. So as a psychiatrist and a medical doctor, medicating someone to the point of being a zombie is not what I would consider a cure. I would consider that a bad thing. As someone who prescribes medication for people to help with their mental health. I mean, that's not a cure, dude. That's everything that is wrong with our mental health system is that we sometimes, all we do is medicate people until they're zombies.

But this is where I'm beginning. to think that maybe this conversation is going to be far more important than I thought at the beginning because I'm beginning to think that I'm beginning to think that you don't have to live the way that you do. And I think that it's reasonable that you live the way that you do because that's all you've learned. Like you said, I think your brain learned how to compartmentalize at a very, very early age. And so what I'm hearing you kind of say is that like this is a distraction. But like when the distraction ends, you're back to kind of where you were and that your life is sort of filled with these compartments of suffering, basically. And that you've learned how to adapt and live and thrive in spite of all of the things that you have to deal with.

Like you've learned how to cope, right? And successfully so. What do you think about that? I think there's, I think, sorry, I'm out of my element here because normally I'm meming and chat and talking about this. and these guys have never seen me like this. I know, but these guys have never seen me get this kind of deep with it, and it's a little bit out of character. And normally we're talking about the market and all this stuff right now.

But so I'm a little out of my element here. And I'm in front of, you know, several thousand people. So it's a little bit, it's a new experience for me. So forgive me if I have any trepidations or any kind of like, you know, hesitations. But, yeah, I mean, it's not so much an idea of just deal with it. It's just like, for example, I had a birth, I have a birth mark, right? I have a birth mark that covers the front half of my chest, my arm and half my back, right? As a child, I was very conscious of it.

I was very self-conscious of it. I'd wear a shirt in the pool and I would worry about people staring and stuff like that. But as time went on and I got older, I forgot I even had it. Yeah, it's still there. Sure, every now and then I'll see it in the mirror and I'll remember it's a thing, but I'm not conscious of it anymore. I'm not worried about it anymore. It's just part of who I am.

And that's kind of with those issues. It's just become part of who I am and it's just normalized for me. Yeah, so I understand that it's normalized. So I think, okay, can I think for a second? Please. So the first thing I want to talk about is trepidation. You don't need our forgiveness for your hesitation or trepidation. The first thing that we have to acknowledge is you say that I'm not used to being like this.

The first question is, do you want to be like this in this moment? Or is this uncomfortable for you and you don't? want to be like this. As far as dealing with the issues that I have the way I have? This direction of the conversation. How okay with this direction are you? Oh, I'm fine. If I'm uncomfortable, I'll let you know. I mean, I'm okay right now. Yeah, I'm not, I'm not going to hide anything here. So, so the next question then is like, okay, let me give you, let me give you an analogy. Okay. So, TSG, I was working with a parent and she had a special needs child. And so she came to me because, you know, I'm holistic and all that.

kind of stuff. And so she had been diagnosed with various stuff that probably wasn't very accurate. It really probably had to do with just the difficulties of having a special needs child. You know, she had kind of really like when you have a child, you, I'm sure you sort of understand this a little bit. You know, you have expectations of what your life is going to be like. And sometimes you have hopes about what your child is, you know, what your relationship with your child is going to be like. And for some people, they really build up this kind of fantasy in their mind of like having children. And so for her, there was a lot of difficulty because like all these things that she

had kind of envisioned doing, um, like, you know, teaching her daughter how to dance and teaching her daughter, like, passing on certain things that she, she cared about. And just really realizing that like her daughter's never going to be able to do like any of that stuff. Mm-hmm. Um, and, and not only is she not going to be able to do that stuff, she's going to be like in diapers her entire life. Yeah.

And, and so it's, it's just really. challenging. And so I was having a conversation with her and we'd work together for a long time. And, you know, she was like, I'm doing a really good job of like coping, but it's hard. And like every day was about coping, coping, coping, coping. And I teach her this meditation technique. I'd teach her that meditation technique. And, you know, one day we kind of sat down and I just said like, this isn't going to work. And she was a little bit taken aback because usually like I'm supposed to be the hopeful one, right? And, and she was like, like, what do you mean? This isn't going to work. And I was like, you can't keep coping for the rest of your life.

Like, that's just not a life. Like, constantly putting out fires and constantly like coping because you're on the verge of breakdown and meditating your way through your anxiety is like, that's just not, it's not going to work. Right? You can only cope so much. At some point, you need to like have relief. Or like, this problem needs to like resolve itself in some way, right? Like, you can't, you can't, you know, it's kind of like if your boat is sinking and you're bailing water, like you can't sustainably bail water. Like sure, it works in the moment. But at some point, you got to like plug the holes. Does that make sense? No, it makes sense for sure.

I mean, I'm on board with you there. I mean, for me, I just, I don't know if it's so much. I mean, I've always been this person where, like I said, I've had a hard time even building relationships. right like i i the reason is is because you know and i don't mean that this is going to sound so sappy but i'm just going to say it because it it'll move the conversation in the right direction you know i didn't hear the word i love you until i was 20 you know mom never dad never never a hug never uh never uh never uh never uh never uh how was your day never any of that right so when i was a small child i didn't build that understanding of relationships of longing of of missing of of feeling, you know, wanted and accepted.

So for me, I've always struggled with even, I mean, I have to, I have to be reminded to call a family member after three or four weeks just because it's just, it doesn't, it doesn't register. My, you know, my, my friends or my family leave, I don't miss people. I don't get butterflies in my stomach. You know what I'm saying? So like, for me, it's always, I've always lived in this instant gratification lifestyle. And it led to a lot of destructive behaviors when I was younger.

And so that's something that I've dealt with. And so when I look at something like that, it makes it more difficult, you know, to look down the path and say, hey, you know, I look forward to having a wife and kids and grandkids and a little cottage. For me, it's like I just,

I just see emptiness and I don't know what's up. And I'm just like, ah, fuck it. You know what I mean? Let's just do the best we can. That sounds wonderful. It sounds fucking horrible. It's terrible.

That's why I love streaming so much because I just need. What's horrible about it? because you get jealous looking at other people who have like a this is actually taking I really I'm now I'm just ruining my whole brand because I'm telling people always have a plan and I have a plan I'm just saying like it's not about not having a plan it's about it's about that that that that building that through time I just had a daughter so I think that a lot of that's changing because I'm I'm I'm worried about her you see what I'm saying like it's the first time I'm worried about somebody and so I go and I check on her and I hear and stuff like that so I think it's really really really awesome. Do I have a plan? Yeah, I have a plan. But I think that it's just one of those things where, man, I'm getting deep in front of a lot of people. But I think it'll help, maybe help somebody out there. So I want to, I want to be able to say what I can. You know, I, it's just that feeling of like, of like, like I said, the whole idea of running the marathon or running the race, but not knowing where the finish line is. Like, you're just

running around looking for something. You think you know what you're looking for. But until you see it, you don't know where it is. You were hoping for a path. And I'm trying to to give myself that path. What's it like to not know where your life is going? It's always been shit. But I think that through a lot of things that have been happening recently in my life, they're starting to become a path. I tell these guys all the time, you may be having a really bad year, but you can't give up

because you never know. 2019, right? 2019, lost my mother, lost my father. Are you afraid that you're not going to be able to walk that path even if you can see it? Can you, what do you mean, like, not walk the path if I can see it? I mean, are you concerned that, like, because you kind of talk a little bit about other people, right? So you, like, mentioned for a moment. So I said, that sounds wonderful.

And you were like, it's horrible. And then you were, like, kind of like, other people can see where they're going. Like other people have like things that they want and that they're looking forward to. And what I'm hearing from. Oh, no, no, no. I'm not trying to compare myself to other people because I think that comparing yourself to the people is just a keeping up with the Joneses and you will spend your entire life trying to have something that's not even you. You just become the shell and you spend all your money and time. I don't mean other people as in as in like all other people.

I mean like I'll see my wife and her relationship with her mother. they talk on the phone four five six hours a day they laugh they talk they they look forward to it every single day i feel like it's a burden no i'm because i like i got to i got to remind myself to call people and then as soon as i'm on the phone i'm like looking for an exit and what's it like to be like that lonely frustrating what's frustrating you know about it well because it's like when you don't want to be in a certain position or certain situation but yet you're there. It's frustrating. It's like being in traffic, right? Like you want to get to your location. You want to go there, but you're stuck in traffic. And it's the same kind of thing.

It's like other people and the other lanes are going by and you're just sitting there and you're like, what the fuck? You know? And so that's kind of the analogy I would use. Yeah, that's a beautiful analogy. So where is it that you're stuck? What is it that like when you look over to the other lane and you see other people going by? What is it that you wish you had that other people seem to have that you seem to not have. I don't want what other people have. What do you want? I just, I'm just hoping, and this is, it's starting to happen with the stream and the purpose and the family. Frustrating because it's so much work, but it's, I'm a workaholic. My wife will tell you, I never stop working. 24-7. Anything I do, I just work, work, work until I get to the top of it, whether it was working in, you know, as an officer, working in hotels, even streaming. She made a joke about it.

She goes, when you started streaming, I didn't realize. you know, whatever. And then, you know, through a lot of circumstances, here we are. It's because I don't stop working because I need to be busy. And the reason I need to be busy is because if I have idle hands, I do destructive things because I'm bored or because I'm just, you know, I need something. So I'm always busy. So I'm getting a little bit of dissonance, a little bit of cognitive dissonance from you. So, and let me just lay this out. I know it's going to sound fucking weird. So you do this beautiful job of talking about an analogy where you're in one lane and you see the other people going by. And then when I ask you, you know, what is it about, like, you're stuck in traffic

and other people are driving freely. Like, help me understand what it is about other people that, you know, you want. And then you've said this twice now, you're like, oh, I try not to compare myself to other people, which I think totally makes sense. I'm completely behind what you're saying, that it leads to keeping up with the Joneses and egos and comparisons and things like that. And at the same time, I think like, so there's one part of your mind that's sort of like, I don't compare myself to anyone else. I am who I am. This is me. I have a unique situation, totally behind you with you 100%. And yet there's still this part of you that's sort of like drawing these analogies about like, you know, you make comparisons.

because you talk about how your wife talks to her mom for like four hours a day. And when you talk to someone on the phone, you can't wait to get off the phone. So it's sort of weird because like I'm seeing and hearing comparisons. But when I try to dig into them with you, I kind of get blocked. Does that make sense? Yeah. I think I'm just not really good at explaining it because I'm not really used to talking about this stuff.

I'm kind of doing it very ambiguously. I think not on purpose. but I think it's just me trying to put my thoughts together and it's just not coming out clearly. So, TSG, that's exactly why we're here. I'm sorry, one second. Okay. We work in the ambiguous territory.

That's where we want. Yeah, absolutely. No, I mean, you know, I think back to what I was saying about relationships. I think that I think I want to know what it's like. like to have those feelings, the feeling of longing for someone, the feeling of like that love, that warm, you know what I'm saying? Like missing somebody, looking forward to seeing somebody and not the idea of, oh, God, I got to go do this or I got to do this or, you know, oh, I got it, you know, whatever, whatever, I'll do it another time. I think that's something that

would be is very, very, is something that I always look at and say, you know what, I wish I had that. It's not that I'm jealous of other people that are having it. I just kind of wish I had it in, in my own way. You know what I mean? Like, I'm not mad at somebody else for having it. Like, I'm super happy

that my wife has a great relationship with her mother. I just am like, I wonder what that's like. And it seems like it's a nice thing. Yeah. So tell me, when you're on the phone with someone,

how do you feel? It depends on why I'm on the phone with them. Good answer. So let's say, like, a family member. I don't have much family left, but like, If it's my grandfather, you know, I want to check in to make sure he's okay.

You know, he's older. And then sometimes we share stories which are fun, but then it's like, okay, cool, you know, talk to you later, talk to you later. If it's, uh, do you feel satisfied by that interaction? I guess it would be a level of satisfaction. Am I satisfied that he's doing better? Am I satisfied that we had a talk? Either.

Which one are you satisfied by? Well, I'm obviously satisfied that he's doing well because he's old. and I don't want anything to happen to them. But, you know, I've had a lot of family members that I lost and some of it I didn't feel anything. You know what I mean? It's like, what do you think about that? I think it goes back to the whole idea of not having that connection. You know, it's like, it's like when you lose somebody that you have that connection to,

there's much more, you know, pain and sorrow and emotional, you know, draining. But when you lose somebody. who like for example if you lost it if you if you if you if your best friend you grew up and played football with in high school you found out died in a car accident that's going to hit you but a dude who you was you were in band camp with that you guys played on the same line you knew them but you know you're like that sucks you know whatever but it's not going to affect your day to day life yeah i make a lot of analogy so you'll have to forgive me i'm a very visual learner so i always use analogy so that i can see what i'm talking about love it bro i think it's it's a great way

to explain We'll get to that, too, about why you do that. And so let me ask you something, TSG. Are you, do you feel lonely? Um, wow. Um, I mean, oh, that's a hard one to answer. Do I feel lonely? I mean, you know, oh, fuck.

Uh, uh, uh, I don't even know how to answer. answer that. It's not a simple yes or no. That means that it's the right question. Oh, shit. Right? So this is, this is the barrier of our understanding. And it's complicated, right? And so when I talk about cure, cure isn't really the right word, but when I talk about resolution. So here, let me explain for a second, okay? So I may do a lot of explaining today. So let me start by saying that TSG, I think you're an awesome guy, dude. Like, it's amazing what you've built out of the life that you were given. Like, I'm truly, truly impressed.

And I think, unfortunately, like, as you've astutely realized, you sort of, like, weren't given some of the basic rulebook, like, growing up, right? Like you said, like, you weren't told, like, you don't know what it's like to miss someone or love someone or whatever. I mean, you're learning now and you put your mind to it, which is also fantastic. But there are a lot of things that people take for granted, which you haven't been able to take for granted. Like missing people. And so I think when we talk about not necessarily cure, but I would call it resolution or integration. So the other thing is that you've learned how to compartmentalize stuff. And so you're kind of a workaholic because like work is your distraction.

like, what does it distract you from? The personal struggles, whatever they may be. And this is where, like, when we think a little bit about work-life balance and things like that, when we think a little bit about, you know, what the next decade of your life is going to be like and what your daughter, kid, is going to, you know, learn from you. Like, what is she going to learn from you about work and things like that? And how are you going to sort of balance that? I think it's worthwhile to think a little bit about, you know, do you distract yourself so much because the things aren't resolved? And in order to resolve those things, I think they can be resolved. I don't think you have to distract yourself so much. What are those things? There are these like issues of, you know, loneliness

where, you know, that's just one word, but it means so much more. It's not just lonely because, like, you know, your family's around and you like, you have the community and there are all these things that you have that should be an antidote to loneliness. And what I'm hearing from you is that despite you having a lot of stuff that makes it so that you're not, shouldn't be lonely. And on a day-to-day basis, I would even say that, like, you know, you don't really feel lonely. Like, your wife pops in and then you're with your daughter and you're doing this and you're being a dad and you're being a husband and you're talking to the community and you're supporting people. And like, so you have a lot of people around and you have like important connections with those people. but I also get the sense that you're kind of alone,

that like even though there are people around and you have these relationships that like, there's some kind of like connection that's missing. That like, you know, it's almost like there's a color that you can't see, but you know it's there. And so when you talk to your grandfather, it's like, oh, I'm happy because my grandfather's doing well. But I feel like I should feel something more.

I just don't know because I never really have. How am I doing? No, I think I think you're on a on a on a on a decent tractor. I mean, yeah, it's just because like, I mean, this is going to sound horrible, fucking horrible, but at least it understanding. If for some reason, you know, what I have is taken away from me tomorrow, I'll be able to continue on. Okay.

And I need to say that because I don't want people being like, misunderstanding from, from an outside perspective saying, if you law, if your wife and child or your house or your job, or everything went away, you'd be able to continue on. I've just been on my own my whole life. I would never want that to happen. But for the transparency with this conversation, I think it's important that I say that so people understand what we're talking about because that's some deep shit right there.

Yeah, TSG. I think we all know that. I don't think anyone who's watched this whole conversation is surprised to hear that. And I think what you've learned how to do is to be alone, to exist alone. right? And so I have no doubt that, that, you know, it would hurt and on one level you would be devastated, but like you're an old hand at being abandoned. Yeah, yeah. I mean, and a lot of times it's like, I mean, veteran, you're from the military or from a veteran being on your own? It's a play on words, both. Oh, okay. I was going to say, because I'm both. I didn't know if you were trying to make a connection there or not. My bad. Yeah, yeah. But you were saying, sorry.

I was just agreeing with you. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. So how do you, what do we do about that? Well, I mean, like I said, I've found two focused in my life that I'm, I know it's not, it's not a cure and it's not, it's just transferring the same thing I did before of distracting from destructive behavior, which was drinking and gambling and smoking and smoking and doing crazy stuff.

And now instead of using that as a distraction, I'm using two new things. And that's one is the stream, the job, the helping people, which is great, feels good. And now the idea that I have a sole purpose of two things, that my daughter never struggles the way I did and that she can grow up to be proud of her father. That's the only two things that are on my mind on a day-to-day basis is building this so that I can build a life for her and making sure that I am a man that she is proud to call her father. Those are the two things I give a shit about now. What's it like to have a father that you're not proud of? Oh, okay, we're not doing this. Okay. Okay. What's it like to have a father you're not proud of? Hold on. When you say we're not doing this, does that mean you're allowed to say we're not doing this and we're not going to do it?

Oh, no, no, no. It's an expression I say, like, we're like, I'm talking to me and myself. Like, we're not doing this. We're not going to like, like, show too many emotions here. Okay. Not you and I are not doing this. Like, we like, like, well, that sounds schizophrenic. That's not what I meant. But like, like, it's an expression I say like we're not doing this okay so let me let me continue on um it sounds like you learn how to talk to yourself because you maybe didn't have other people to talk to no no no no no I say it to chat all the time and I'm like we're not doing this like we're not going to move this to level but usually like I'm not going to give you the reaction that you want but that's not what I meant here so just please ignore what I said it's for legal purposes I didn't mean like you and I are not going to do this let's just move on make me sound schizo for a second Not that there's anything wrong with that.

All right. My father. So the difference between my mother and my father is that I didn't, I didn't, I knew my father loved me. I knew he loved me. He had demons inside. He dealt with opioid drug addiction his entire life up until he died of a fentanyl overnosed a few years ago.

And I saw him shell away. And despite all the pain he caused me because of the things he did, I knew that he didn't do it out of malice, out of ill intent. He was doing it because he was a slave to the drugs and an addiction and he had these demons inside. So I knew that he loved me. And so I loved him for that. I wasn't the best son because obviously my own issues. But, you know, I, I felt horrible. And I wish I could have done something to help him. But a million times it was, let's get into rehab. Let's get him clean. Let's do this. But it just, it just stopped. and it was always needing money or robbing.

And he would do some of the dumbest stuff. Like he one time asked me when I was a transit officer. He was like, this guy stole my TV. Can you go in uniform with your weapon and knock on his door and get it back? I'm like, do you realize you just ask me to commit a felony to get your TV back that you probably sold for drugs? Like, he doesn't think, you know? So that one was tough.

But I always loved my father. I loved my father in a way that, well, you don't realize you love somebody until they're gone sometimes. But like, I don't know if the love was there, but I didn't dislike my father. My mother on the other. hand was an evil person. So two different things. How did you know your father loved you? Because he never hurt me intentionally. And he would try when he was in a sober mind to do good things. Like what? You know, like say things. You know, like, like, for example, like my father would try if he was sober to make sure that I was fed or to make sure that, you know,

I was safe, I guess. Like, I mean, most of my childhood has been blocked off. So a lot of the things that I used to remember, I don't remember anymore. But, but yeah, you know, my father, my father was, was not a bad person. I know that. He, he, everything he did, he did for the addiction. And so I can see through that as somebody who's dealt with his own demons and say, he hurt people, not because he wanted to, but because it was just.

who what what that addiction did and it was never a malintent and you can tell the difference between hurting someone physically or doing something because you're getting your fix no you can i definitely can because i've seen it i've been there you know we've all been you know not all of this but yeah so what i'm hearing is that you know i know it sounds kind of weird because you mentioned like panhandling and heroin use and stuff like that but i'm still getting the sense that you could tell that your father like cared about you like you thought about okay you know before i get high i'm going to make sure like here's here there's half a pizza in the fridge if you eat it get hungry and yeah i mean i didn't get to spend as much time with my father but um when i would

see him you know there he would he would he would come and give me a hug and say stuff you know what i mean like like later on in life what would you say yeah i um shit i don't remember a lot of what he would say um sometimes he would say love you bud later on in life but i'd already been past all the other stuff so that was kind of important to me because it was like hey you know he wouldn't say that in that moment unless he meant it you know what i mean i may not feel it but i i know he meant it yeah yeah so you know just a quick intellectual side point how do you know he means it because when he was high or trying to get something from me versus when he was just, he didn't, he didn't ask for anything else.

He didn't have any ulterior motives. It was just a goodbye hug. Love you, buddy. There wasn't a, there wasn't a game. Hey, he loved you. Can you do this for me? You know what I mean? There's a big difference between that.

Yeah. So, so I think that that makes a lot of sense. And I'm going to toss something else out that maybe the reason, another reason that you knew he loved you is because you did feel something that you were unaware of. Potentially. Just something to think about down the road. Yeah, I think that that was, you know, one of those things where, you know, especially

towards the end of his life, I felt a lot of, you know, I felt I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I deal with guilt for some reason in a lot of things. Uh-huh. And of course, when somebody dies, you're like, hey, did I do enough to try and save him? Did I, was I good enough to him in his final moments to remember? I mean, I remember he stayed alive. I don't know, I don't know if he took his own life or he just accidentally overdosed. Did you warn them enough about GME?

Did I warn my dad enough about GME? Nope. Did you warn? I don't understand what you said. So it's interesting, right? Because I'm noticing a parallel between like what. Oh, okay. You're going back to the beginning of the conversation.

I was like sitting here talking about my dad taking his own life. And you're like, did you warn him enough about GME? And I'm like, you're not a fucking sick joke, dude? Like, I was about to get pissed. Okay. No. Okay. Go back to what you're saying?

Yeah. Sorry about that. I should have been a little bit. No, it's not your fault. I was, I'm a visual person, so I was somewhere else when I heard that. So I apologize. I shouldn't have gotten to that. Go ahead, what you're saying?

No, no, your reactions, I think, are fair. It's just, I, I was noticing that, that there's actually sort of like a common thread about, like, guilt and, like, doing enough for people. Uh. Like, does that feel connected to you at all? Yeah, I mean. Sorry, I got a little, I was just, I really feel bad. about what I just did. I didn't mean to like like I was really confused in the moment so I apologize again. Yeah, it goes back to guilt a lot of times and I don't know why because I don't feel like

I ever have. I'll give you an example. My brother was passing was was had lung cancer and and liver cancer, a lot of abuse to his life. And I was reached out to and said, hey, can you be a liver donor? We can't get a liver to him. Can you be a liver donor? Holy shit man. And they said, said, hey, if you don't, you know, we need you to do it. And I was like, wait a second, you, my mother, who I haven't spoken to in years, have reached out to me after 10 years to say, your brother's dying. Can you donate your liver or part of your liver? I'm like, wait a second, because they can't find a donor anywhere. So now I am like, wait a second, you're now asking me to be in a situation to give a liver where I have.

If I say yes, it could save him. If I say no, it could kill him. And I knew she was a manipulative person, but that just fucked with me. And so I sat on this for several days. And I'm like, if I give part of my liver, it could save his life. But at the same time, you know, I could recover. Or because I drank a shitload when I was younger and I had fatty liver at one point, I could have complications from it.

And I'm like, I have a wife now and I'm trying to have a kid. You know, what do I do? And so now I'm sitting here making this decision and I'm like, holy shit, man, you know. And then I decided that, you know, I talked to somebody and they said, they said to me, they said, don't ever, don't ever make a decision based on guilt. And they said, are you doing the decision because you want to or because you'll feel guilty if you don't? And so I didn't do it. And my brother died.

And I still live with that because I had to make a decision over my blood. brother, you know, whatever, even though regardless of our relationship or the chances of me not being there for my wife and potential daughter. And that was a really fucked up situation to be put in. And I had to make that decision. So yeah, there's always guilt. You know what I mean? I mean, there's no, there's no way to make a decision there and not have some kind of feelings. Oh, absolutely. I'm just, there's no way to listen to that story and not have feeling. I'm just for just by here. Like, by trying. to imagine what your situation is.

That was only 18 months ago, by the way. That is crazy. I just need a second to like sit with how impossible and shitty of a situation that is. Yeah, yeah. I didn't mean to like derail this. I don't think you can derail it. It's all just part of the road, man. Yeah, I thought I was told that these talks are usually pretty like just fun loving and stuff.

I didn't mean to like, I mean, I don't know. Have you seen our street? for? No, I haven't. That's the problem. I came in so unprepared. Like, I only saw clips of you and it was always funny shit. So I don't know. Yeah, I mean, I'm trying to use humor to get out of this like awkward moment for me. So yeah. Do you, let me get my Gatorade. Yeah, I'm just going to get out. Yep. Got to get out. That's right. Dick joke. No, I didn't go anywhere. I just wanted to get something to drink. I was thirsty. Yeah, yeah. No, it's all good. Yeah. Yeah. Holy. Holy. Holy. shit, man. Yeah. Stocky, uncensored here. Tell me about your mom.

Tell me about my mom. Stripper. Drugs became a well, never mind. Not important. Probably had lots of mental health issues that I don't know about.

You know, we lived in a shack. No electricity, no running water. Very abusive. you know, very, loved my sister for some reason. And my sister's a great, you know, my sister also had to deal with a lot of these problems too,

but she, you know, didn't, she was upset when I was born because I was a boy. My older brother dealt with a lot of it. A lot of abuse. Not to get real into details, but,

you know, sitting on raw rice for hours, tying up with a phone cord and cow prodding. You know, hitting with a, skillet across the face. I got stabbed in the face. Like lots of fucked up things.

Her boyfriend is sitting on raw rice mean? Kneeling on raw rice. So what you would do is if your kid was acting up and you were a psycho, you would put raw rice and then make them kneel on it for a couple hours until it bruised them really badly. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah. Dealt with some crazy shit.

So then the state would take us away for a little while. put us with somebody else for a little while, then we'd come back. So I don't want to get in any more details from that, but it was a pretty pretty fucked up situation and dealt with a lot of severe abuse. The whole family did. And so that was it. Didn't really see her a lot more after that. I only saw her whenever she would try to get money from somebody, suing somebody or trying to

do whatever. No love loss there. No love loss there. And so when we were talking about your dad, you kind of mentioned that your mom was like malicious. Like it seems like she was like a bad person. Yeah, I think that she was abused probably when she was younger and it was just her way of understanding how to deal with kids.

And then because, you know, drugs get involved. You don't understand what you're doing and you just kind of do it. At this point, it doesn't matter the reason behind it. It should happen. It's in the past. You know, I've moved on from it. Well, tried to. Do you ever wonder about your upbringing and how that could affect you as a father?

I think that my upbringing is going to make me make sure that those mistakes that I, not mistakes, but the things that happened to me will never happen. I've never lifted a hand to anyone, you know, like in a personal, you know, issue. You know, obviously, if I, different situations, but, you know, I've never even raised a hand to my wife or to a girlfriend or a family member, you know, in that way. That's not who I am. I don't even think I could if I wanted to. You know, I get frustrated as a person who doesn't sleep and have a stream and the baby cries, but I grab her and I rock her and I sing songs to her and I love feeding her and I love her little smile and her cute little feet.

And she's just adorable when she's not screaming her head off like somebody's trying to murder her. So I look forward to it. And I've already planned on all these little things. Like I'm like, hey, maybe she wants to be tea time and princess stuff and I'll get a projector and get, and get, Little mermaid will watch it. Or if she's into, you know, other stuff, we'll go. I'll teach her how to survival or camping or whatever. Like, whatever she's into.

Like, I'm excited to grow up with her and, like, kind of, kind of give her that life. Like, I don't want to spoil her because I understand the concept of hard work and how much that's important. But I'm really looking forward to just, like, being that dad. You know what I mean? Like being in her life to the point where she's like, God, dad, you're embarrassing, you know, like, I want to have fun, you know, and I want to give her. I never got to play catch with my dad

if I think is what I'm trying to get at. And I will forever understand and know and see people playing catch with their dad and not know what that feeling is like and understand it's like, let's play ball dad, let's play ball. I didn't get to do that. So I want my daughter in whatever way she means that,

whether it's tea time or throwing the ball, I want to be the guy who when my daughter says, hey, dad, let's play ball. I'd be like, you got it. Let's do it. I'm just going to tear up here for a second and sit with those.

No, I don't. I mean, I'm just being real with you. You know what I mean? That's why I'm tearing up. Oh, okay, my bed. Is it okay if I do that? No, absolutely. I'm not, it's not my intention.

I'm just, it's just one of those things where, you know, it's an opportunity I have. And I'm not going to screw it up. Sounds like she's very lucky to have you as a dad. I just want to be someone she's proud of as well. I want to not just proud of, but I also want to, I want her to not have to worry what it's like to be hungry, to be cold, to be sick, to have your head shave because you have lice to have intestinal problems. I don't want her to have to be picked up by her hair and punched until she piss, pises blood when she's seven years old. I don't want her to be locked in a generator room until she passes out from gas food, gas fumes.

I don't want her to be taken from her home. I just want her to be comfortable. I want her to be loved. I want her to be happy. And I want to be the one to give her that happiness. And I want to be the right father. That's what I want to do. I want to give my daughter everything that I wasn't given at the end of the day.

I'm going to need a second. Yeah, go for it. Go for it. I'm trying to think about how to put these words together. It's tricky. We'll just get this shot. So I want you to think for a second about the life that you want to give her. Right? And what is it like to have grown up with none of the things that you want to give to your daughter? Like, I want you to take a moment to, like, imagine what it would be, like, imagine how you would feel if your daughter did grow up.

up with all of that stuff. How would that make you feel? I don't want to overdo it. I don't want to overcompensate. I don't want to over spoil her. I'm not talking about that. Let me rephrase. So I want you to, you know, all, you said that you don't want your daughter to live through all of that stuff, right? Right. Well, of course not. No. Okay. So, so how would you feel if she did? and I had any ability to prevent it if you couldn't do a damn thing about it. I can't even imagine that. I can't. All I can think of is that I don't care if I have to sell hot dogs on a corner or boxes in a FedEx truck or if I've got a, you know, it doesn't matter what I have to do.

I will not let that happen. So I can't even imagine it. Okay. I will do anything to make sure that I grow up. How do you feel about those things? happening to you? It's in the past. I can't go back and change the past.

I can only learn from it and be a better person and help take the lessons. They're not even lessons because I didn't do anything wrong. See what that pain is like, know what it's like and make sure that that someone else doesn't ever see that pain. If I can prevent it. So I think that that's a wonderful approach to take and I feel like it's incomplete. Because this is what I'm going to try to share with you, okay, TSG. Stocky.

So, like, I want you to think about the feelings that you would have towards your daughter, right? And she's a child. Like, she can't, you can't protect yourself when you're seven. And for those horrible things to happen, like, it awaits. She's eight weeks now. Yeah. Yeah. So it awakens within you a profound emotion, a profound protective instinct, a profound love. And I want you to notice that there's like a huge difference between the, you. way that you view that happening to her and the way that you view it happening to yourself. Right? It's like night and day. Yeah, but I'm looking at it from the point of perspective is that I can prevent that from happening. It's up to me. Like, like she is, she is an innocent. I understand that. And I know you're going to. I know this is weird. I know it's weird. I'm trying to follow you. I'm trying to follow you. Yep, yep. I think it's going to be very foreign to you. May I not even get it. I think the concept. So what I'm essentially talking about is like maybe I'll just put it make it a little intellectual. What I'm talking about is self compassion. So what I'm hearing from you is that like

painful things have happened to you, but you don't really know how to feel pity or love or anything like that, like towards your former self. I feel like my former self is is a different person. And I don't mean like that a better or a worse person. I just feel like, I just feel like, you know what I feel like, You know those little Russian dolls? Yes. Good. Okay, it's kind of like that, right? Yep.

Like the little guy is inside, but you're no longer. He's a shell. He's inside that shell. And now you became that guy. And now you're in the military. You were in acting. You were in this. That's what is.

Those people are in there, but there's been so many layers over that I don't even recognize them. And it's so hard to find them that it's just kind of, you know they're there, but you got to work your way to get there. And I don't really like it's too much work. Okay. If it's too much work, that's fine.

If it's too much work, That's completely, that's an excellent reason to not do it. But I think it's beautiful because I think like this is the thing is like that seven-year-old still needs all of the love that your daughter is going to need from you. Yeah, but that part of your brain that is developed during that time, you can't go back and rewire that. You can relearn certain, you can learn new things, but you're not that, I mean, I'm not a doctor. like I said, I'm not a doctor, but from my under, my limited understanding of the human brain and development, that zero to three year old of so many emotions being built. I mean, you can rewire it, but you can't like get back that innocence and the understanding of it from that level. Like, it's like, okay, give you an example.

It's like if you're in a relationship and everything is great, but then you're cheated on. You can learn to trust in your future relationships, but you can never get that innocence back. because you'll always remember that, always have that small piece in the back of your head. So that innocence is gone in your future relationship. You can learn to trust again. You can forgive and you can be with somebody else and say, I trust this person.

But that innocence is gone. And I think that that's what I was trying to get. I can fix, I can rewire my brain, but that initial thing is never going to be there. And I recognize that, at least for me. Maybe I'm wrong. So I'm not so sure that I agree, but what I feel really confident

in is that there's like some middle ground. So when we think about like trauma therapy, okay, so like a big part of trauma therapy is something that we call processing. And so part of that processing is like, so there's compartmentalization with distraction. There's learning from the past and being a good father, like all awesome stuff. Don't get me wrong. But there's also like, I get the sense, stocky, that, you know, there's actually like a lot. lot of relief to be had for you. And you seem frustrated. I'm not frustrated.

I'm just, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's at this point in my life, it's like, I've become so apathetic to the whole thing that, like, I believe that there is, but I'm, I'm so, I don't know, maybe it's, maybe it's, maybe it's, try to distract myself. Maybe I'm just frustrated with it. Maybe I've just given up. Maybe it's just it doesn't matter. Maybe I've got a new new focus in life. But like you're saying, you're never going to be that good father. You're never going to be that really good father unless you can also heal yourself. It's like I tell these guys all the time. You can't learn. They're like, why am I not in a relationship? Why can't I find somebody? You can't love someone else until you love yourself.

Who said you couldn't be a good father? Oh, no, no, no. I'm not saying that. I'm saying I could be a better father by by by by i feel like i could be a better father how does it oh shit this is a whole thing so let me let me tell you what i just saw so i saw maybe i maybe i said the wrong words and i was trying to get over something i'm pretty sure you said the right words so i saw frustration so i said stocky there's a way forward and you're like fuck that's making excuses because i've just done that my whole life no no you're you're not doing anything wrong And there's no misspeaking. Everything is there.

I think it's, it's, it's perfect just the way it is. Okay? You're not. So let me explain to you. And like now like this is, I'm putting you in a really tough situation, Stalky. I never realized this until this moment. Because you have, I don't think you're apathetic. I think you've tried really hard and like you've sort of given up on integrating yourself and really fixing this.

You're sort of like, I can learn from the past. I can be a good father. I don't have to fix myself. I just have to stuff it all to the side. I can distract. I can do it. I can do it. And here I come and I tell you, you can fix it.

And now you're like, fuck. Because if I don't fix it, then like, am I not going to be, like, am I letting my daughter down by not fixing it? Like, I'm putting you in one hell of a bind, bro. I mean, it's a two-way street for me. I think part of that jadedness, I wouldn't call it jadedness, but part of that, that, that, that, that what I went through and what I deal with is motivation to be a better father, right? But at the same time, I don't know if it's just procrastination, if it's anxiety. It's like, I don't know if I want to

work on it. Like, I don't know if I really want to because like I said, I'm 35. At this point, it's like, I don't know if I even want to work on it because it's just part of who I am. It's like the birth mark, right? Do I want to, you know, I mean, sure, I could probably pay to get this taken off or, you know, lightened or whatever like that, but it's just who I am. I don't even pay attention. It doesn't matter to me anymore. Like I, it's out of sight, out of mind.

I don't actively think about it anymore. Yeah, it's there and I'll notice it in the mirror sometimes if I'm paying attention. But it's like, fuck it. It's just who I am. Yeah, I know it's much deeper than that, but I don't know. I don't think you need to work on it.

And I don't think you want to work on it, which I think is totally fine. I think you're going to be an amazing father, whether you work on this or not. So I just I want to I just want to leave a good impact on the world. I want to I want to I want to feel like I have a purpose and I want to leave a good impact. I want to, you know, I told you with my daughter. That's that's what's I want to do.

I want to be that. What about you? I don't matter as much anymore like in my mind. Not to sound dark, but I'm not worried about me anymore. As in as in not like I don't care. I'm nobody. I find the fact that I can give so many other people out there so much. It feels like I don't know how to explain it.

You know, I don't want to be famous. I don't want to be, I don't want to be, you know, them to write, you know, books or something about me. But the fact that I can get satisfaction by helping other people change their lives, whether it's through financial education or jokes or making them laugh or get them through their workday, it feels good. You know what I mean? It's like, and I know this is probably going to circle back to the, well, you were never wanted. You never felt wanted as a kid and now you feel wanted.

So this is what you're doing. You're making up for it. I'm, I know that I'm not no, but I feel like that's part of what's going to come from this. But. Do you think that's true? Oh,

I knew I was, I knew I set myself up for this. I knew. I said, second I said it, I knew it, I saw the look in your eyes and I knew I set myself up for this. I was confused because I was going to make the opposite conclusion.

Oh, please, go on then. Go on. No, no, but I'm curious what you think. No, no, please. Please, please after you. Okay.

We'll just, okay, fine. I'll go first. So what I was actually kind of concerned about stocky was that, you know, when have you mattered? You said you've come to, like, you know, you've come to put other people first, which I totally get good. Good for you. Good. Is it going to make you a good dad is going to make you valuable on Twitch that you really care about your community? Like, I think that's awesome, man. But have you ever mattered? I put myself first before. And I fucked a lot of things up. Hmm. Because I'm a selfish son of a bitch if I care about myself only. I smoke, I drink, I gamble, I fuck, uh, I, um, I do a lot of things that, uh, that, that, that, that, that, that I, I'm not proud of.

Um, and so, and so, you know, I try to be busy because I tend to find a purpose and focus on, um, positive things and, and, and, and, and, and keeping myself, busy, you know what I mean? So I think that that's really, really important because when I put myself first, it's like, I mean, I'm working on it. I'm trying to like put myself first in healthy ways, like, oh, go do this or go do that or go do this. But then I'm just bored and I'm like, fuck that. I'll just work. You know, it's more, at least I'm working towards something rather than wasting time. Yeah. So Stocky, I, I, I, you doing okay, buddy? Yeah, I'm just, I'm just, sometimes I say very little with a lot of words and I'm like... I think sometimes you say a lot with very few words.

Maybe. If you're curious about that, all you have to do is go back and watch the Vod about when I asked you if you're lonely. You okay? Yeah, my wife walked in to grab something and I was just telling her to careful. Yeah, okay. So, Stalki, I'd like to share a couple of thoughts with you and then I'd love to get your thoughts about, you know, or maybe I should ask. Why don't you go first this time? Because this is going to be, but help me understand.

What are we talk about today? I thought we were going to talk about the problems with gambling addiction and finance fatigue and the dangers of doing things. And you were probably going to maybe roast my hair line. And then we were going to talk about boomers, joke about our Indian wives, which now sounds terrible that I said that. And have a good time, bro. I thought that was going to be good times. And we were going to make jokes about, you know, roadies being round, I was going to tell you about the first time she cooked the whole nine yards.

I thought that's what was going to happen. But we got deep. But you know what? I'm not upset about it. Not ashamed of any of it. Not embarrassed of any of it. I think that I like to tell my story, not as in depth as we did here. But I think that it can help inspire people.

A lot of people always think that when they think about one of my big goals is to get people started, whether it's investing or whatever, getting started. And a lot of people don't do it because it's so intimidating. It's this big intimidating thing. And I tell them, it's like the gym, right? Every guy you see throwing up 400 pounds eventually started small. And if some guy like me who grew up with absolutely nothing came from conditions that were third world and went through so much pain and struggle can still do it, whether it's investing or getting your life or doing something, you know, maybe that can help somebody else. So I actually like giving some inspiration if it means me giving my story. So that's something good that came out of it.

Will anything change? Probably not. I mean, not to sound like a dick, but I mean, I don't know if I, if, if, you know, I'm going to change anything after the conversation. But it was nice to have the conversation. And you pointed out a couple things I didn't really think about. What did we, what did we, what did we talk about though? And what were the things that I pointed out that you think maybe were thinking about? I think that the idea of, well, maybe it's stuff that I said that I had my own self-realizations.

Maybe. maybe, but it came out during the conversation was something for me to think about. But, you know, I just realized, I'm going to be honest with you. You want me to be honest with you? Because I know this will be good. I think the one thing I realized

out of this entire conversation is that I love my kid more than I thought I did. And I don't mean that from a way of like, oh, I just kind of liked my kid. Like, I think that I just listened. to myself talk very open and honestly, and that for the first time in my life, I found something that I do care about in a deep level and that I have a mission to make sure my daughter has the best father that I could possibly be. I think that was kind of cool. Yeah, I think you're,

I agree. I love my wife too. I'm so sorry. I'm talking about my wife at all. Babe, I love you too. I love you too. I'm steering clear of your wife for the health of your marriage. That's why we're not talking about. No. Because she can watch this one day. My mother-in-law and father-in-law in Delhi watch it every single day, my stream. And it's... Oh, my God.

Yeah. It's terrifying. Well, the good thing is that my father-in-law doesn't speak English. So, so let me... Stalky, let me just share what my impression of the conversation is. Is that okay? And then I'd like to leave you with a couple of points to think about. So, the first thing is that, you know, it sounds like you had a super, super traumatic upbringing.

And what happens when people have a traumatic upbringing is they can get taught a lot of weird things. So one thing that they learn how to do kind of adaptively is compartmentalize, right? So you take like negative feelings and sensations, you kind of wall them off in a part of your mind. And then sometimes even though you've walled them off, like the energy is still there and it sort of lies dormant and it can kind of trickle into your mind in other weird ways and can kind of. can lead to like destructive behaviors and the need to distract yourself. Okay. So and it sounds like you used to distract yourself in unhealthy ways. And now you distract yourself in healthy ways.

And that's definitely. Well, the new medication helps too, but yeah. That's definitely a step in the right direction. And at the same time, in my experience, the real goal is to like no longer need to distract yourself. Now, I recognize that that could be putting a burden on you, but just something for you to kind of percolate on. So I also think that it's sort of interesting because one of the other things that I wonder a little bit about, and this is a super subtle kind of shift, is that I think you're super genuine about having a Dharma, which is the Sanskrit word for duty or responsibility to like the people around you. And I think you genuinely carry that mantle of like trying to educate people, trying to teach people, trying to help them.

You absolutely carry that burden towards your daughter in terms of like you carry the responsibility of being the best father you can possibly be. And so, you know, so putting other people first is like absolutely a genuine and good move. And then there are also times where you used to put yourself first and that was definitely. bad. So I get where you're coming from there. There's a nuance here, though, that I think is just worth exploring, which is that when kids are traumatized a lot, like, they get taught that they don't matter. Like, the reason that I think you, you know, you say your dad cared about you is because, like, you mattered to him through the haze of addiction, and you sort of felt that, right? And there's a subtle lingering effect, which could be there, could not be there, which is that I

still don't know that you matter to yourself, right? So, yeah, so, so there's a difference between saying that other people matter more than I do and I matter. Like, there's a difference between saying my value is $100, but my child's value is $1,000 and sort of saying my value is $0 and my child's value is $1,000. And this actually goes back to like the, you know, the Russian dolls, which is that like I think each of those people actually exist within you. So when we form memories, like those memories get laid down and sort of retain the age at which they were formed. So I think within you, there's actually like a seven-year-old kid who needs a lot of love because they weren't shown that. And that need is there. I think this sort of translates into weird ways.

like sort of feeling lonely or not being able to like really connect with people. Like, I know you love your wife. It's clear that you do. It's clear that she loves you. I know you love your daughter. But that's just stocky. Right? That's the outermost Russian doll that is like capable of feeling love.

And there are all those other dolls as well on the inside that like still like it's hard to fully connect with someone when the only thing that they're connecting with is the current version of you. And so I think this sort of gets back to like when I ask you, are you lonely and you say it's complicated? I think the reason for that is because some layers of the doll are lonely and some layers of the doll aren't. The last thing that I kind of, two other points, three other points actually. One is that I think part of the reason that you use analogies and you use them really, really well is because you're probably somewhat elixothymic. So, alexothymie is the inability to determine what your internal emotional state is. And so what that means is you're kind of colorblind to emotions. So if you go back and you watch this interview, like, you can describe things really well with visual imagery, because you don't have the vocabulary for the emotions themselves.

So you come up with these beautiful analogies of like Russian dolls compartmentalized, but you don't really know like what the emotion is. And so the interesting thing is as you talk about it, what'll happen is sort of what happened today is you're going to like uncover like the emotions underneath. And like today it's like, wow, I really, I didn't quite realize. Like I knew I loved my daughter and I knew that I wanted to make the world awesome for her and make her life awesome, but not spoiler so that that's going to hurt her later in life. I wanted to teach her to be like an independent, responsible human. human being where you're going to support her interests and you're going to support her growth. And what you want to do is give her a nest and give her wings. You're not going to hold her back, but you're going to do everything that you can to help her build her own life. And I get that. And it's through talking through things like this that you uncover those emotions. You start to recognize your emotions a little bit more. You feel a little bit more. It tends to feel, hopefully, generally speaking, positive, even if it's not a positive emotion, which I know.

is weird. So I think it's just something to kind of think about. The last two points that I want to share with you. One is there's a Sanskrit concept called a samskar, which is sort of like a ball of undigested emotion that you kind of carry with you. And I think you have a somscar sort of around guilt. And what that means is that like you've got this weird like guilt sort of like hiding in a closet that then like manifests in weird ways. Like it trickles into your converse. And you're mind and then applies to like other relationships that aren't entirely appropriate. So I think part of the reason that you feel guilty around this GME stuff is because cognitively you know that you give people good advice.

Cognitively, you know you're not responsible and in fact you go out of your way to try to help people be responsible. So then like where is that guilt really coming from? You know, because you find yourself questioning. And this is where, I mean, we can go into, you know, a whole lecture about this. But basically, like, it's been my experience that the strange emotions that people feel with that tend to conflict with their cognitive mind tend to essentially be like emotions that are stored from the past. And so my sense is that if you work on even talk through like this guilt around your brother and stuff, which is like, holy shit, bro. That enough is like, that's crazy.

that hopefully some of these other... Just get used to it after a while. Yeah. So this is where like you get used to it because you've gotten calloused, right? Like you've formed mental calluses, which allow you to function. But like a callus isn't really healing. It's just, you know, it's just a layer on top of something. And then the last point that I'm going to give you is just a tiny, tiny, tiny, unlikely thing that could happen.

But I want to just clue you in on this in the event that it does. because I imagine it will be important. I'd say there's a less than 5% chance, which is that be careful about what kind of echoes could happen if your wife does something that you perceive as being negative towards your daughter. Okay? And what I mean by that is that, like,

so we have this, this, basically what I don't want you to do is project. Like, if your mind sees your wife, do anything similar to what you, your mom did to you, you could get this weird, like, volcanic rush of emotion. Even though your head is going to, like, it's clearly apples and oranges. Your wife would never do anything to your daughter, like what your mom did to you. But there's a chance that if you see something, something fucked up is going to happen inside you and you're going to get this volcanic rush of anger and, like, other kinds of weird feelings and just if that happens, you know, go talk to someone about it.

Like go see a therapist and work through that stuff. Okay, because I really don't want that to mess up your relationship. I know it's kind of grim. No, no, no, I'm on board with you. I know what you mean. I'm already, I've already, you know, working through that stuff. For example, when I take care of the baby and she starts crying and my wife comes running in, I'm like, yo, what? She's like, don't take the baby out. I'm like, I'm a parent. I'm her father. I know that it's cold. I've got a thing on here. Not that I'm angry, but I was getting frustrated. I was like, why don't you just let me be a parent? I'm also half parent here. I can make good decisions too. And then I kind of step back and I said, you know what, babe, I'm sorry. I know you're only doing this because you want what's best with the baby. And you're

not trying to say I'm not a good parent like that. And we talked about it and I've gotten better with it. I'm very, I'm very, I'm very, I'm very, I'm very, I'm very, I'm very, I try to make sure that I work through it and talk about it. Unlike a woman, not, no, not any woman, but like her as her, her, way where she'll just spend, you know, three days upset about something and not talk about it. I'm very, very, you know, expressive in the moment. And then I realize my mistake. And then I go, you know, I'm so sorry. I'm expressive and I, and I, then I work it through and I say, hey, listen, I fucked up. Let me make sure I don't do it again. And so I really appreciate what you're saying. And I agree that's something I have to be cognizant of moving forward that I don't automatically

assume that it's something negative. Yeah. So just be. aware, Stalky, because unfortunately, like you said, you know, some stuff gets laid down in our brain in terms of, like, how we automatically respond to situations. And just to be aware that, like, there may be some weird feelings that arise. And you may not even recognize them as feelings. Like, because once again, if you're a little bit of exothymic, like, you're not going to understand exactly what you're feeling. But, you know, just a couple things to kind of think about. Any last kind of thoughts or questions? No, I mean, this was nice. You know, it obviously, you know, just exposed a lot of things about myself, not exposed, but just open up about a lot of deep things in front of thousands and thousands and thousands of people. I never thought this would happen. It's not easy to do that, but it was nice to talk. And I just hope that maybe someone else out there can be helped by this. Maybe not that there is specifically a solution or resolution to this conversation, but maybe they can say, hey, listen, if this streamer can deal with these things, so can I.

And maybe I need to go get help. or maybe I need to talk to somebody or, you know. Stocky, I think a lot of people are going to be helped by this conversation. Yeah, I just want them to know they're not alone. And listen, there's a lot of people out there that have it really rough. And it doesn't mean that you can't, you know, accomplish good things. You don't have to be born with a silver spoon. You don't have to look up and say, well, that person has what I don't.

I can't ever have that. I just want people to be happy. And I want to be able to help people. And if this helps people in any way, then it was worth all of this just exposing myself to the world. As long as I can help somebody. I mean, I talked to my chat before. I said, you know, listen, I dealt with ADHD in a very, very rough manner for many, many

years. And it wasn't until two years ago, I started getting treatment for it. It's helped my life significantly in a lot of ways. So, you know, obviously it's totally different than the conversation we had, but it's cool. I'm just really grateful, you know, that I've got this community and that they allow me to have this job. It's so fucking surreal that these guys let me, this is my job because of them. You know what I mean?

So I'm glad that I could help somebody if I can. Yeah. And I want to thank you too because I think listening to you has been really educational. I think you kind of, you know, like you mentioned, you were sort of vulnerable. And I think that can be hard to do in front of thousands of people. So I appreciate that. The other thing is that, you know, I think the world is a better place because you're in it, man. And I think as a father, like, I'm inspired, like, listening to you talk to, you know,

about what kind of dad you want to be for your daughter. Like, it makes me want to be, like, get my juices flowing, like, makes me want to, you know, go the extra money from my kids. I appreciate that. I appreciate that. Yeah. Last thing is that, you know, I, I mean, it sounds like you may be in, you may have some kind of provider or something, but, you know, I would encourage you if you want to work on this down the road to really go see someone about it. I don't think you need to work on it. I think it's totally fine for you to not want to work on it now. But down the road, you know, you may change your mind at some point.

And it's totally fine to seek someone out at that point. Yeah. I mean, I'm not against it. It's just like you said, that's just not, I'm not okay or fine or happy with everything, but I'm content to the point where it's just gotten used to it. You know what I mean? It's like my birthmark. Just kind of used to it at this point.

Yeah. And the calluses are formed. Yeah, sure. It would be great if I took off my shirt and somebody every now and then looked and didn't stare and say, hey, what's that? Oh, it's a birth mark. That'd be great. But I don't give a shit. You know what I mean?

Like I've got a beautiful wife. I've got a kid. You know, I've got a great. I'm not worried about what somebody thinks is there. And so for me, it's like, it makes perfect sense. You know what it. You know what it. It is what it is.

It is what it is. Let me just make sure my daughter doesn't have to have these same emotional bags that she has to carry. Let me carry them for her. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. So normally I teach meditation on stream. I can't do meditation. Yeah, I was going to say I wouldn't recommend it today as well.

So I think we're maybe on the same page there. I'm just being honest with you. I can't even read a book more than a page without earmarking it. I'll never make it through meditation. Yeah. I mean, we do a lot of successful meditation with people with ADHD, but I think more of the reason that I would suggest against it is just because you have to be really careful with meditation and histories of trauma. So what meditation tends to do is remove the calluses. So what can happen is people can get like an upwelling of emotions and things like that, which I don't think you're, I don't think you need that right now.

So I think if you want to do yoga or Tai Chi or something, that would be like really great. But like I wouldn't recommend meditation for you, to be honest. What about a hot tub stream? That's fine. Okay. Hot tub is cool. Yeah. Do you have a hot tub?

No, no. I was just wondering because these guys have been giving me shit about it for days. I thought, hey, listen, I could relax, get some warm water and and bait some don't know. Yeah. Well, listen, Stocky, thank you so much for coming. I know you didn't really know what you signed up for. I really appreciate you being such a good sport about it. You know, if you regret coming on or something like that at some point down the road,

which is a completely reasonable thing for you to feel, you know, please let us know. If there's any kind of fallout or aftermath from our conversation today and it's causing you any kind of problems, please let us know. And we'd love to try to support you through that or kind of fix it, you know. Yeah. No, I think that my community, I've done a very thorough job, in my opinion of keeping a non-toxic, very supportive community. Lots of memes, lots of shit posting, but not actual hate people. We don't allow that. It's cool.

If somebody thinks of me differently, which I don't see why, because I've always been very open and very transparent about everything. My trades, the way I do things, the way I think my life. I don't mind doing this because when you're open and when you don't have much to hide and you're doing that, you don't really worry about that backlash. So I think, if anything, my community got to see a side of me. little bit more in-depth, like let them know who I am a little bit more. And if anybody out there saw this and was like, yeah, after seeing all this, I don't want to be part of that guy. They're probably a fucking shit person. I don't want them here anyway. So I think it's a win-win for everybody. I think everything that I saw about you was like awesome, bro. Seriously. Except this.

Jesus Christ. Do you have anything for receding hairlines? Look at that. Fucking hell. Are you, is it really receding? Yeah. Not a lot, but I mean, at 35, I have a decent hairline, but it's, it looks like the male, it looks like a widow's peak. The whole thing's moving back. No, that's because all this hair is gone. So it just looks that way, okay? Jesus Christ, my man over here, slow-key roasting me. Okay. Okay. Yeah, I mean, you know, there are, there are things, there are medications and stuff for hair loss. There are some Ayurvedic treatments as well, but those aren't really well supported through the evidence. Well, I mean, a lot of people believe Life is Indian. You could get coconut oil massage or almond oil massage goes a long way.

Yeah, she does almond oil massages and stuff like that. But with the baby and everything, and we haven't had time. And I get concerned because the last time she gave me a massage, we got pregnant. So I just try to be very careful with, you know, the timing of things. But no, I'll definitely, I'll definitely look to see if there's something I can add there. You should ask her. She's, she'll know what to do. All right, Doc. It was nice, nice chatting with you. Got one question for you. What's the YOLO? What's the YOLO?

What does that mean? I know that YOLO means you only live once, but. Doc, I got, I got 20 grand. What am I going to put it on today? I don't know. IDK? Oh, God, that one already got played. I'm just kidding.

You're not giving a YOLO. Listen, thanks so much. And I hope that you have a great one. And, you know, maybe down the road. So I had a. This is going to sound so random. But back when I was studying to become a monk, I got exposed to a lot of really weird pseudo-spiritual, pseudoscientific kind of bullshit. So, for example, like I'm a certified crystal healer, but I don't do that because I don't really think it works.

So I was just learning a lot of different stuff. And one of the things that I came across was someone who I got trained in dowsing. Do you know what dowsing is? yeah, I found out that sounding rods and dousing rods are not the same thing by accident. But yeah, dousing rods. I'm unfamiliar. Yeah. So, so the person who got so wild man. So like, no, I'm serious. These guys asked me about sounding rods. I thought it was dowsing rods. So I just wasn't ready for that. I learned something new that. Yeah. So someone once made the claim to me. And I've thought that this claim is

absolutely ludicrous. But if you, no one's ever asked me to pick a stock before. But what I would do if you really wanted me to pick a stock was get my dowsing pendant because I have a dowsing pendant, which is sat in a closet for the last 18 years because I think it's bullshit. But is pull that out. And then if I could get like a page of stocks, I would use the dowsing pendant and like pick one. Okay. These guys are all waiting right now. They're literally like $5,000 waiting for you to do that. But how do I find the dowsing pendant is a physical object.

So it's like a pendant. So what I need to do is twirl it and have it sit over a stock. So how do I do it? You get the alphabet and you do it. And the first three it lands on are the three. The alphabet. The alphabet, A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K. Oh, so I should just get an alphabet.

You just get a square thing with the alphabet and you do your rod. You're sounding. Are we going to do this? Are we doing this? Go for it. And then the first three, I'll make you a deal. This is for entertainment purposes only. You do that.

The first three letters it lands on, I'll buy $1,000 of that stock right here live on three. So then I'm going to make, I'm going to make a, I'm going to make a, I'm going to go pee while you're doing that. We're going to come back right now. All right. Let me go fight. I have to go back.

I'll be right back. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. Okay. As well. This is for entertainment purposes only. Entertainment purposes only. Right back while you're doing that.

Get three alphabetic letters. I will buy $1,000 of that stock right here on live on. stream three okay a bc b a to z do your thing and then the three letters that it does i'll buy that stock okay so it's or even get a scrabble get a scrabble board i'll be right back i'll be right back okay so you know it's funny chat because we don't talk about this a lot on healthy gamer but you know i've explored a lot of BS in my day in my search for like what works and like what actually helps people. See this one?

Maybe I need to get my kids to help me with this. I was showing my kids all this stuff because it's been sitting. So I, you know, I don't advertise some of this stuff, but like I've, I've like, I'm a Reiki healer and like other kinds of stuff. And really, guys, I want you all to understand this. There's like, there's a lot of BS out there, right? So I'm also a skeptic. So what happened is like, I was like, okay, I'm going to have an open mind.

And we're going to try to learn. Oh, shit. not have to found my dousing pendant. All right, let's do this. Full disclosure. This is for entertainment purposes. Only do not buy this stock. Do not shadow trade. This is not finding what the vice is complete bullshit right now, okay? Yeah, hold on, but I got to find the...

Speaking of which, I need to find out how much money I've either made or lost today because I had, like, a lot of money in Disney before we got on. And I'm green, so I might have done well. Let me see. It may take me a minute to find this thing. But these guys don't care. This is very, oh, it hit 190. I'm good.

I made money. I made $150. So just so you're aware, yeah. Y'all turn up swagger with a five gifted. All right. Disney took a while, but I finally made money. I still got 40 minutes, which means it will probably jump on me. NPA dropping.

OLB is getting, I'm getting down 5% on that. I forgot to stop losses. All right. Let me sell a little bit of stock here. Let me sell. You know what? I'm going to do this instead of meditation. But I have to find it.

10 shares of Disney. I've been wanting to do this for decades. But I never, I never had the scientific integrity to just actually run this experiment. I was like, not scientific integrity. Literally gambling at this point. Yeah. My wife heard me and said that I'm selling it five minutes after I buy it. Whatever it is.

Hold on. Wait, she said that to me. But you know what I did? I looked her right in the eyes when she said that. I said, I said, did you dig yourself a hole? I said, yes, dear, whatever you say. I'm not doing it. She's watching.

I'm not doing it, guys. I said, could have. Maybe one of my kids. Oh, no, no. It's a bad energy with drawing crystal. That's different. It's a whole different crystal. So many crystal.

So this is a speed range. Oh, I found it. Found it. Found it. Here it is. Oh, he found it. All right. That's your, that's your dousing thing, right? Okay.

And you have an alphabet? You have a, no, no, I need to, like, I need to, like, write out the alphabet. Oh, Jesus. You're a doctor and you don't own a scrabble board? A scrabble board. I thought, like, every doctor owned, like, scrabble and, like, uh, and backgammon or something. Dude. What?

I own a bunch of, like, you know how every doctor. Every lawyer has like a whole wall of books they've never read, but it looks good. Oh, just use my keyboard. No, it needs to be a circle, though. Okay. All right. Okay. So I got to tell you guys this story.

Okay. So like I teach a lot of stuff on stream. So we talk about neuroscience. We talk about meditation. We talk about, you know, different kinds of things. Psychiatry. Science. But what people don't know is that like on my journey,

there's been a lot of bullshit that I've encountered. And so what we try to teach is like, is not like I don't do Reiki, right? Because, I mean, there's evidence that Reiki, you know, helps people feel better, but doesn't actually lead to better outcomes. So what we do on stream is actually just like, it's like the stuff that works.

But what people are, don't know is there's a lot of shit out there that doesn't work. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, G, G, K, K, K, L, M, M, M, O, P, K, R, S, T, U-U-V-V-W-X-Y-N-C. Damn, I've got to chat. If any of you buy whatever this stock is, you're an idiot, okay? Yeah, this is crazy, okay? So I'm going to, I just get in the zone. I'm typing it right now.

Tell me. We're going to do it. A lot of P-O-Gs in chat. Hold on. I need this. I need like 30 seconds to orient myself to the meditative mindset. Okay. Then we're going to pick a sock with a fucking dousing pendant.

Damn right. I'm going 20 more business stock because I'm a D-Gen. Let's do this. I'm going balls deep in whatever this is. I said balls deep while he's meditating. Nice. Here we go. W.

W. Okay. So fucking weird, man. It's moving in different directions of its own accord. It's got bills to pay. E? W.E. Okay.

G. W. E.G. Oh, God. There's like 10 of them. I need one more letter. Shit. Fuck. Okay.

Uh, J. Oh, my God. Shit, shit, shit. J. W.E. I, baby. Jay. No.

I. Yeah, I. How do you? Somebody give me a company that starts with this. I don't know what it is. We didn't get one. W.

Oh, W.E.G.J. What is W. Or I. was sort of between the J and the I. It doesn't exist. You're fired. You're fired. Okay.

Okay. Let me try again. W.E. What? Not Wendy's guys. That's W.E.N. Okay. Hold on.

Let me try again. Give me another letter after, for one last letter for W.E. something else. Okay. P for O. You're literally fired. Do you want to tell me what my 10 options are? I'll put those on a piece of paper and then we pick one of those. W.E.G was the original one.

Okay. You've got W-E-G-Z. Okay, hold on. Why, okay, so W-E-G-Z-Y. Okay. W-E-G-R-Y. Wait, oh, Z-Y is two letters? Yeah, these are all...

W-E-G-Z. Yeah. So Z-R, what are the other options? Y, O. Okay. R again, but R-X instead of R-Y. Okay. those are the ones I've got

you've got four that's it that's all the ones I've got on the W EG I've got 1 2 3 4 5 so W EG Z Y R Y F O F R X O F Yep

fuck This is it Z Z boys Y F R Y O R X okay let's go No what Z Y Y O R X okay

R-Y, Y, Y-F, O-F, R-X. Oh, okay. All right, let's do this. All right, let's go. Oh, man, it's R-X. R-X, Wells Fargo, emerging growth. Done, done, done. Let me show you proof.

Hold on. Okay. The worst possible way to pick a stock. Absolutely. Oh, God, Wells Fargo. Oh, no. Oh, no, boys. Oh, no.

What happened? Oh, no. Wells Fargo is always one getting screwed. This is just slightly more effective than a Ouija board. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm not going to go? Oh, my God. I'm getting screwed, all right?

Can I even order this? Can I even buy this? I can't even buy this? I guess I guess I'm going in Wells Fargo. All right, that's it. All right, Wells Fargo, it is. You've got it, buddy. I'm just buying Wells Fargo because that was the answer.

So Wells Fargo, the bank stock that always get screwed, but has a decent dividend. I am going to buy this right now. I am going to buy 100 shares at $33.36. Okay. So, sir, because of you, I have just spent. What's our outcome, though? Like, how do we do with the, like, what's, how do we know at the end of the experiment is?

Diamond hands. What does that mean? El no saabe, chat. He doesn't know. Okay, let me show you my proof. I'm going to DM it to you right now. So you know. It's too late.

It's too late. It's too late. It doesn't matter now. Remember, there's no deal to just buy and hold. What's going on? I don't know. You're the Ouija board that you're, sorry, your dowsing crystal told me to do it. I understand.

But the dowsing crystal has a lawyer in case this goes badly. The dowsing crystal did not tell me. So when I think about this, I think about this as a scientist. So what I say is that we. we should design an experiment. And I've never done this experiment because there's no plausibility that it would ever actually work. So it's an experiment I've never done.

But I've thought through it many times. And what I think is that what you have to do is like pick a random assortment of stocks and then Dow's to pick another assortment of stocks and then compare your growth from these two. And then you run that test so many times. And then you assess for statistical significance. I got an idea. How about this? Yeah.

I'll hold each one for a week. Okay. Wednesday to Wednesday. Sounds good. Next Wednesday, you tell me the stock that I'm selling this, profit or lost based on this dowsing thing, and I'll buy that. And we'll just keep rolling that and see what happens. Okay.

So I'm picking one stock via dowsing every week. I mean, I mean, you're a busy man. What's our board? What's our control group, though? Like what, right? So we have to have a control. if we're doing an experiment. Control.

We're talking about a crystal on a piece of freaking wire piece of thread and you want a control group. That is a good fucking point. But yes, if we are going to do this, we might as well, we have to have something to compare to it. Okay. How about this?

This is why I haven't run. So we run research. You're dousing versus this right here, okay? There you go. I got some random letters here. Okay. I don't even have all my letters here. But I'm just going to randomly pick three letters.

and I'm going to put the same amount of money in both of them. Okay? I don't even have all my letters here. So this is even going to go well. This is what I'm talking about. I just can pick the first one. Okay. Here you go.

You've got G. Okay. I only have like a third of the alphabet here, but we're just going to do it anyway. What's this? G.I. Okay. What else do we have here? G.I.B.

What's G. G.I.B. Hold on. This is great. I love this for science, baby. Gibb CGI Inc. Is the name of the company. It's at 79, 20.

So I'm going to drop the same amount of money in CGI Inc. Okay. I shall I'll get a I'll get a I have those same letters. Okay. So what do we got? Uh, 7918. So I dropped how much in the last one? I dropped, uh, shit.

I forgot how much I spent on the other. Sounds like $3,336. Uh, yeah. So 3,336. Okay. So 3,336 in Gibb. So I'm going to get a calculator out here because I'm just fried right now. Okay.

So 3 3336 divided by Why is the stock going up right now? You guys are idiots. All right. All right. So I'm going to buy 42. 42.12 shares. So if we wanted to publish this study, it would be.

They won't let me do it. Fuck it. I got to do 42 even. Okay. It's fine. We'll get the control group of slide edge. Okay. All right.

So here you go. So I have two positions now. You're dowsing crystals and me just rubbing, off of a whiteboard. I put 3,000 um, let's see where I knew. 3,336.50 in Wells Fargo and I put

3,326 and 33 cents in GIB. Beautiful. Okay. We'll come back in a week and see what happens. Sounds fantastic, man. I'm game. As long as we're going to do something ridiculous, let's just do it for science.

Hey, listen. Just to be clear, you do realize that I'm waving around a piece of courts. You do realize that I just dropped $6,000 that I could lose next week. And if at the end of the day, you as a medical doctor have a oath that you took to only do what's in my best interest, knowing that you were talking to me in a state of vulnerability, that I will somehow blame you for this. This is terrible. And find a way to recoup my law.

So thank you for your oath and for taking advantage of me in a hip, in a vulnerable state. And I will see you in court next week. But only if you lose money, right? Oh, I'm not going to lose money. I'll just bill you. Who else that's her? All right, man. Take care.

Thanks for coming on. I ain't no snitch. All right. Bye. Bye. Dude, that's wild, man. Fucking dowsing pendant.