HealthyGamerGG - Talking with Adrianah Lee

Episode Date: October 23, 2022

Dr. K talks with Adrianah Lee on today's stream! Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When you sort of look at yourself, what I'm kind of hearing is that, like, a lot of negativity comes up. And so the only time that you end up looking at yourself is when you feel overwhelmed in some other direction. And then it's like an outpouring. Hello. Hi. And what do you go by? Adriana Lee or Adriana. Okay.

What would you prefer I call you today? Adrian. Okay. Well, it's nice to meet you, Adriana. I just wanted to start by expressing my appreciation. I'm sorry, I know a couple weeks ago you were in our chat and I didn't quite see it at the time, but I really appreciate you kind of reaching out and offering to have a conversation about, you know, what a lot of the challenges that people in the gaming community face and was just kind of curious a little bit about what you wanted to talk.

about today? I mostly wanted to talk about sexual harassment and assault in male-dominated spaces and how it's very like, sorry, my focus. It's kind of normalized, unfortunately, and it's, like, really sad. Sorry, if you heard a little. It's really sad, so yeah. Yeah, I'd love to have that conversation with you and try to learn what we can from your experience. and hopefully like make the world a safer place. And just to kind of clarify, so are you looking to like process trauma or do anything like that today on stream? Okay. So we're having a conversation around sexual assault and harassment and the goal is to try to like raise awareness and at least that's what I'm hoping for.

And to hear a little bit about your experience. Does that sound okay with you? Okay. So this is not therapy. I'm not your therapist or anything like that, right? Okay. So, yeah, so Adriana, can you start by just telling me a little bit about like, you know, why this topic is important to you and what your experience of it with has been? This topic is important to me because I have experienced sexual assault multiple times throughout my life. Oh my God. Even though I've been.

I've taken preventative measures as much as I can. And it's something that happened to me when I was really young, but I didn't realize it until I was older. And then after that, it was just, it's hard to explain, I guess. It's just something that I kind of went through, and I was like, okay, that sucks, that I went through this, and I just tried to push it down as much as I, could because I just wanted to move on with my life. I didn't want to have to feel that over and over

again. But then it started to affect my relationships and then it started to affect just a lot of things and what really made me realize like I can't suffer like alone in silence is when I started to have people in my chat, like mostly young women who, you know, trauma dumping is a normal thing for people to do in chats. I don't encourage it. I don't think anybody ever should. But it happens every so often. You just kind of have to be like, hey, like, please don't do that.

But once I started to hear... Can I just jump in there for a second? Can you tell me what trauma dumping is? Trauma dumping is like when you go... Like in chats is when you go into someone's chat and you just start like sharing some really hard experiences that you went through. A lot of people do it to streamers in order to, like, like seek like help from them um and so what i have heard from a lot of people is more common than

not like that is a shared experience for a lot of us women especially in um like this community of twitch of gaming so it once i realized that it was really hard for me to just like stay silent about my experiences and I needed to speak up. So I started to generally speak up, but I never really brought anything to attention before. And the reason why this recent thing was brought to attention a while ago was because somebody that used to be my friend actually, like brought it to attention.

And then I had to deal with not only my own processing of things, but trying to feel like I'm fighting so hard to validate my story. Yeah. So, Adrienne, I'm kind of noticing that we're sort of like talking around stuff, right? So you're kind of saying, bring it to attention. I don't really know what it is. And before we kind of jump into that. So a couple of things, you know, you don't have to share anything that you're not comfortable sharing, first of all.

It's okay to talk, like, in vague terms, if that's what you feel comfortable doing. I know that from my perspective, I would certainly benefit from a little bit more clarity because you're kind of talking about it happens, and I'm not sure what it is. You also mentioned that you've been kind of suffering alone and that this has been happening to you for a while. And so I'm curious, do you feel comfortable like going into a little bit more? detailed, not like all the details of what happened or a play by play, but just like, what are what specifically are we talking about? Is that okay to talk about? Yeah. So there's an incident involving another streamer that happened a while ago. And it was where I ended up falling asleep

at a party. And the other streamer ended up trying to touch me and ended up touching me. And after multiple times of my friends saying, hey, she's okay, please leave her alone, please leave her alone. He just kept trying to come back into the room. When I first heard that information, I was obviously really uncomfortable and I just didn't like want to make a big deal or whatever because that's usually what most people do in that situation, especially when the other person is a lot bigger than you in terms of numbers and growth in a field that you really want to succeed in. So can you help me understand that? You said you didn't want to make a big deal.

What is making a big deal look like? Making a big deal can mean really anything, even just saying like, hey, that was really uncomfortable. Because even if you just say that, all of a sudden... Who are you saying that to? to anybody in public? Okay. Or to even the person who did that. Okay.

Because the minute that happens is the minute like fingers are pointed, there's a lot of victim blaming involved, and you have to keep reliving it over and over again. What do you mean by victim blaming? A lot of people, especially recently, they don't want to hold people accountable so they will blame the victim or the survivor in this case for oh well what like things that are most common like what were you wearing

what other kind of questions and by the way if I'm interrupting you too much please let me know oh that's fine but I think this is exactly like in my mind this is exactly why we're having this conversation because I think people will use phrases like victim blaming but I don't even know that the majority of people out there know what that looks like know what the experience of it is I think victim blaming is when you are sexually assaulted you already have that very intense feeling of shame and guilt because it's not something that it's something that you feel like your own body and your own rights to your body have been taken away from you. So when you already feel that shame and guilt, you're already, for me, trying to guilt yourself,

oh, well, I guess I shouldn't have done this. Oh, I guess I shouldn't have done that. Like, well, I shouldn't have done that. Like, I'm already blaming myself because it's like, I just wish that didn't happen to me and I wish that things gone differently. but then once you start hearing other people blame you, you just start feeling more and more guilt. And it took me so long to process that it wasn't my fault. And the reason a lot of people don't come out about these things is it's a common feeling to feel that shame and that guilt. and when, you know, it takes a while the process that it's not your fault,

but then once they process that and they're like, okay, now I should share my story. Sharing your story opens up the door for more people to put that shame in that guilt you were originally feeling back onto you. That you back onto, yeah. So it kind of just reopens the wound. And that's why it's just really hard. and that's why a lot of people don't express their stories. So can you help me understand what your experience of being,

when people victim blamed what that looked like? Or, you know, what did they say? What did they do? What was your experience of it? In the two times that it's happened to me, it's kind of like oh well you shouldn't have drank

oh well you shouldn't have talks to him oh well you shouldn't have talked to him yeah I've heard everything so you shouldn't have put yourself in that position and what position was that what are they referring to when they say that position

being at a party you shouldn't have gone to a party Yeah. How dare you? Exactly. And it's hard because I've already told myself these things for so long. So when they say it, what does that do? I mean, if you've been telling yourself that for so long and now you're hearing it from other people, how does that affect you? Um, it obviously, in this situation, I feel like it's put me in like a state of, um, this association because, um, the first time the story came out, I've heard so much of it and it sent me into like a really bad depression. Um, but this time I feel like, like disassociating almost.

Like I don't even know what I feel really. Like it's hard to... Sounds like you feel numb. Like, yeah. It's hard to determine my feelings. But every so often within the past two, three weeks that this has been up for discussion on the internet, um, I've had like a couple like big breakdowns, but then it just goes back to the numb. Okay.

So when you said when this came out, so it sounds like you did not speak up first. Can you help me understand that whole thing? Yeah, I didn't speak up about it because I knew the person was more powerful than me. And I knew I, my dream was to just, you know, be a streamer, be a content creator. And I moved all the way to Austin to do it. And I was like, it's fine, you know. I'm just going to put my head down and, you know, not interact with this person. And I'm just going to continue to live my life.

And then how did somebody... Sorry, everything that you say has... I get so curious and I want to learn more. So I'll pause and let you finish. I'm sorry. Okay. So somebody I used to be friends with ended up speaking about it on her stream. And we weren't friends at the time when she spoke about it.

She had me blocked on Twitter. But then she unblocked me. She's like, I spoke about this. And I was like, oh, so I was kind of like pushed into something I wasn't ready to talk about. And yeah, and then I was kind of like not ready. It wasn't really like ready in my brain to talk about it or process it. So I was in a very vulnerable state when I was like getting spam called and like rushed to make a statement about it. There was people who came over to convince me or to tell me like I need to say

something. I need to say something and I just wasn't like really ready to say anything. But I had to. Why? Why did you have to say something? Because everyone was the people who knew that it happened that I was that person he talked about. they ended up calling me a lot spam calling me and then um I ended up going to my friend's house to talk to him about it and maybe think about making a twit longer and then they came over and they're like okay how are we going to do this how are we going to address this it was like a boardroom meeting or whatever and I was like

okay like and I had the intention that these people were there to like help me but I found out a couple weeks later that that wasn't the case but in the moment I thought they were there to help me can I think for a second of course so the first thing there's so much about this Adriana that I think makes a lot of sense and there's so much about this that completely perplexes me so the first thing that's kind of confusing for me is like I need to make a statement. Says who? Like, I'm so, and I'm not saying, I can, it's very clear to me that you were under a lot of pressure.

I'm guessing that other people felt like they were under a lot of pressure. You know, there's this sort of idea that we have to, like, advocate for people who are victims, right? Like, we've got to, like, seek justice. I mean, like, I think that there's a lot of good sentiment there. But what I'm kind of noticing is that, first of all, like, you didn't ask for the conversation. And once the conversation got started, you weren't really mentally in a place to make a statement, but I'm also hearing that, like, that was somehow unacceptable, that it wasn't being addressed. Can you help me understand that?

Like, where is that pressure coming from? What are people, like, thinking? Why do you feel like you have to make a statement? There's a couple of things that were going through my mind that day. I'm just trying to... I kind of like compartmentalized this day after especially this past couple weeks, but um the main thing that was happening was um a lot of panic. A lot of people specifically, people that the person was friends with saying, we need to find this girl, we need to talk to this girl,

we need to hear the truth or whatever. And um, so, There's just a big panic on the internet trying to see, like, who is this girl? Like, what is this? And, like, there's a lot of pressure knowing that that was me. And I knew it was wrong. So when... You knew what was wrong? The original assault or something about...

Yeah, being touched when I was asleep. Okay. So... And I didn't really want anybody to go through that experience. So as I was sitting in the little boardroom, I was hearing a board. I was hearing a bunch of different things, people telling me, like, are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? And like... And what are you hearing when people say that or ask that question? Doubt. That, like, of what happened to me. So, especially when they're like, well, we know our friend. We know our friend. Like...

And they would say those? They wouldn't do that, yeah. So... How do you deal with that when people are... doubting you and saying we know our friend. What happens in your mind or what happens in someone's mind in that situation? Just as I said it, like, we, it brings up like the feelings I originally felt of like guilt and shame because it's like, like, wow, this person did this thing to me that's actually horrible. but if I say something, like, I'm going to ruin their life. And it's like, it, like, makes me feel almost bad in that moment. But then once I clear my head, I'm like, I don't want this to happen to anybody else. Like, no one deserves to feel like their body isn't theirs, you know?

But in that moment when these people are saying, that's our friend, like, this is what's going to happen. him if you do this like he's gonna have to get kicked out we're gonna have to like not be his friend anymore it's almost like they're restating that feeling of guilt and they're putting it in other places like making me feel bad like oh if i say something about the truth then it's my fault because then they have to lose their friend or they have to kick them out or whatever so then it's just reinstating that feeling of guilt and putting it in other places. I mean, what is it like to...

This question may be weird, but I'm kind of noticing like almost like a weird shift in the power dynamic and the responsibility dynamic, right? Like who's responsible for this? That in that moment, I'm hearing people kind of... So what happens now

and who's responsible for... ruining a life is you. Right? Like if you speak up, like you have the power. Adriana, you have the power to make this go away. Yeah. And so. Yeah.

Go ahead. When like I'm hearing that, it's like, like I don't know what to do, you know? And then in that moment, I'm thinking about all the girls in my chat who just play Minecraft on stream. and who are constantly, like, harassed by men in chat who have expressed this to me.

I'm thinking about all these young girls who've experienced these things in their college campuses, and they can't say anything, or people who've experienced these things at work because I've heard, like, a lot of stories, and it's like if I don't say anything and just let this, like, go, and, you know,

then it would almost make me feel bad too. So it's like if I don't say anything, I feel like I have this platform that was given to me. I have these people who look up to me and I'm doing them wrong. But then if I do say something, then I'm doing the bigger people who can really make or break someone's career.

I'm doing them wrong. So I was like, okay, we'll find a mailpoint. That way, you know, I'll dumb down my story, but I'll still say it. What do you mean by dumb down your story? Like, I will make,

in terms of the boardroom meeting thing, whatever the hell that you want to call that meetup. So you were like in a room with a bunch of people who, let me understand this, were your friends, were not your friends, What's got, like? One of them were my friend,

and then another one of my friends came home from work. And then, well, I guess there was, like one, okay, two of the people that were there lived there. Like the one person, and the person who came from work, they lived there, and they were there in the room when it happened, and they were my friends that I trust. And then the three other people who came over, one of them was like an equitance.

well two of them were like acquaintances um and one of them i didn't know at all um and they came over how did they how did they i'm so confused like do they just show up or someone invited them or like yeah well they showed up because one of the acquaintances was friends with my friend okay so they knew where he lived and they told him we're going to come over and he was in a meeting when that happened so he wasn't able to tell me i was upstairs getting ready in the bathroom or like in my friend's vanity and um he wasn't able to tell me hey they're coming over so i'm doing my makeup whatever and i just hear their voices downstairs i'm like oh my god like i'm already going through so much stress right now like now this is happening and i was like texting my friend this at the time

because I tried to like revisit the feelings after like, you know, so much time was fast. And I like went through my old discord of like me talking to my friend because they're like really like good friends of this one person at the time. Still friends with them. And I was like, oh my gosh, like I'm so stressed out. And now these people are here. Like this is just such a hectic day. Like I didn't really want all this to happen. Yeah.

And then. And then. And noticing how completely out of control you are in the situation. Like. Yeah. So then, you know, I had talked to all of them, and that was pretty much what I was dealt with. Did you feel like you could say, I mean, did you want to talk to anyone in that room? No, the only person I really wanted to talk to, and I thought I was going to talk to that day,

were my two friends that were there in the room when it happened, and that, like, are my friends that I trust. They're a couple. so that was my only people that I wanted to talk to that day and then it just kind of and so you felt like you couldn't say I don't want to talk about this with acquaintance and one person that like you couldn't say that and I recognize that may sound like victim blaming as well but I'm I'm not saying I'm not suggesting that you should have said that what I'm trying to really do is understand like in that moment because I Is that like, you know, what was going through your head?

It's kind of like, like, they were like, oh, like, we need to figure this out. We need to figure this out. And like, they were like almost like, I don't know if this is a good analogy or not, but like a courtroom. And like they had to represent like their side, you know. That's kind of what it felt like. And it almost felt like I was like at the stand, like being like, no, like this is what happened. and that's why it was hard because it was like an ultimatum it's like hey you can say something and then we have to kick our friend out and then you probably won't get invited to parties

and then like people are probably going to hate on you whatever but then you can like not say something or you can just be anonymous and then like we can figure it out from there and then I was like okay and then I was like so I was dealt with that thing that was like okay do I use my platform and stick up from people in my audience because at this point like this is a broader scale of like an issue or do I do what these bigger streamers want me to do you know so that's how we kind of met in the middle, but even the middle wasn't like my full truth because a lot of the wording wasn't as strong as I wanted it to be and it didn't really reflect what I was feeling. But that's why everything got brought to light within the past two or three weeks and I was

able to say my full truth because of that. So Adriana, I want to point out a couple of things. And if I say anything that is out of line or upsets you or is not in the direction that you want to talk, please let me know. The last thing that I want to do is railroad you into a conversation that you don't want to have. First thing is that I'm noticing that when you're thinking about how to proceed in the situation, you're thinking about your community and you're thinking about streamers, for lack of a better term. what I'm it's mostly like sorry to interrupt but it's like my career

or like these young girls that look up to me yeah yeah so that's what's kind of interesting to me is like I don't hear even in that choice I don't hear you what about you

yeah I guess it's like I didn't really okay sorry whenever I like to pause I'm just trying to not like cry or anything but

it's hard to like see it for myself because I just don't want it to like be on myself you know because it's like I went through these hard feelings and it's like I don't know I don't want to see myself as a victim as much as like I guess I am you know it's hard to like see myself as that or like admit that I guess to because then it's like it's true you know and I I don't know it's like I have a hard time like digesting it I guess because then it just kind of brings back like those feelings that were first felt after these like situations so I just kind of wanted to think like okay I'm gonna do this for someone else because I don't want anybody

else to feel like this so I guess it's about me but it's not really about me because it's like it happened to me but what can I do to prevent this from happening to anybody else because these feelings like are something I have to process like on my own and me coming out with anything yeah it makes me feel happy if I have justice but it's not going to make the incident go away and it's not going to make the feelings go away so that's why it's like when you come out about these things, it's not, it's not for me. It's for these other girls or anybody, really, that, regardless of gender, that deal with these things and feel like they can't say anything or feel like they're alone. This is going to sound weird, Adriana, but respectfully, I kind of disagree.

And here's why. So you're looking out for other people. that's awesome right like people need to speak but what i'm saying is like who's looking out for you right like like what like i don't know right so like it and that's kind of what i mean and i don't maybe disagree was the wrong but like it's like i'm hearing the same thing again and like what i'm wondering about is like you're thinking about making the world a better place for other people right like got to make the world a better place like that's why we're having this conversation to raise awareness and educate people and then there's your career, reputations, ruining lives, all that kind of stuff.

What I'm wondering is, like, where is the care for you? I don't know. I'm not going to lie to you. I don't know. And because it sounds like when I ask you a little bit about that, you know, you talk about, like, well, if I'm focusing on me, like, then it opens up the whole, like, victim can of worms. And I have to deal with a victim. It becomes more real to you. right? Like, so it sounds like as long as you're focused on other people, then it's more, it feels

like it's more tolerable. Yeah, I guess so. And that just makes me kind of sad that in, in this whole conversation, like I'm not hearing anyone care about you. Yeah, but I don't know. I wish I wish I had something to say. I normally have things to say, but I don't really have anything to say to that. because I guess I've never heard it from that perspective. Yeah, you don't have to say anything. You know, I... Okay. Yeah.

And I was just sharing an observation. I wasn't like asking a question. Like, it's something that... No, yeah. Yeah. Is it okay that I said that or asked that question? Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

I just wish that I knew I'd respond to it, but I don't. Okay. Do you feel like you... Yeah, hold on. Let me think for a second. Because I guess even, like, being here, it's like I'm not doing it for me either. Yeah.

You know, it's like even being on here, like I was like, okay, I'm going to go on Dr. Kate. I'm going to talk about these things and how I feel or how I felt in this situation. So other people can realize that I'm human and that there are humans that go through these things. It's not just drama, Andy, LSF, political, whatever war. it's like human feelings and like trauma and it is hard to deal with and I feel like when I go through my life I just push it aside and only in moments of weakness like mental breakdowns I kind of let it all out and I know it's really unhealthy but there's like certain things that will also like trigger those responses I guess

and like as I said before it's why it's hard to be in romantic relationships or have intimate connections with people because of my past with trauma like just certain muscle memory will trigger really bad episodes for me. And it's not a fun thing to deal with. And I don't really want anybody to have to deal with this because I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with it myself. Sorry if I just was rambling. I'm just trying to find the right words to say. Do you feel like you were rambling? Well, I mean, obviously. Yeah. I thought it came across as very clear. Can I share with you what I heard? Mm-hmm.

let me think for a second, whether I want to give you the Cliff Notes version or the, okay, so I'll give you the long, so like, so first of all, I get the sense that you feel kind of like uncentered and that you kind of don't have time to deal with this crap. You have a life to live and work to do and streaming. And the only time that when you sort of look at yourself, what I'm kind of hearing is that like, a lot of negativity comes up. And so the only time that you end up looking at yourself is when you feel overwhelmed in some other direction. And then it's like an outpouring. Like a spiral. And so since you have difficulty with intimacy and relationships, right, that certainly

doesn't make your life easier. And then it's kind of like, well, I got to, you know, figure out all the fucked upness on the inside before I can go in. engage with other people. But I don't quite know how to do that. I don't really know where to do that, when to do that. But still there's this idea that like the fixing that needs to happen has to happen. Like you have to do it.

Yeah. Right? And that it needs to be fixed before you like show someone what's on the inside of Adriana. because it's all like a mess down there is kind of the sense that I'm getting. Kind of. It's kind of like, for me, it's more of the fear that it's never going to be fixed in that, you know, I'm not going to put the time and effort, I guess, into, not, that kind of sounds bad, but like I don't want to, in my brain, it feels like a pity party. and I don't want to put that negative energy, I guess, into myself.

Because I, you know, I have a lot of things to do, as you said. Like, I work a lot and I, like, before I was a streamer, I worked three jobs. And it's just like, it's kind of like I have my moments of weakness. And I've used, like, certain things just to try to, like, like, snap out of it. Like, where I would be, like, literally not to, like, I feel like I'm trauma-dumping. But, like, like, I would have these moments of weakness where I would be, like, in my worst mental state possible, mental breakdown on the bathroom floor. And I'd be like, oh my gosh, I have to stream.

I have to stream. Like, I told people I was going live today. so I would do whatever I had available to me to make myself in a better mood to stream like a lot of caffeine a lot of yeah caffeine

my prescribed like Adderall just whatever I was like gave me that boost that's like okay like stop it's time to go live like stop so no more pity parties for Adriana got shit to do. Yeah.

Yeah. So I even have this thing on my goddamn monitor that it sounds so stupid. It says 4Ms, manic manifesting money, Eminem. Because I remember I listened to Eminem and it helped me, I guess, get out of my sadness. Adriana, it's wonderful to see a genuine smile on your face. Thanks. I don't know. But yeah, it's just like, I don't know. I just wanted to like trigger a manic, I guess, is how I would perceive it.

Yeah. So I would just be like, fuck everybody. It's fine. I'm going to work. And, yeah. You know, you tossed out a couple of things that I can't really let slip by. No, go ahead. So one is you kind of mention that when you sort of try to work on yourself or maybe you try to help yourself, it feels kind of like a pity party. And you also sort of mentioned that like you kind of don't want to waste your time on something that's not really fixable.

Yeah. And so I'm kind of just noticing that maybe you feel like kind of busted. How do you understand like how long have you felt that way? Um, I guess for a while, because it doesn't even have to do with this more recent situation. Maybe like, because back when I was, I had really, like, rough upbringing, I guess. And, um, I've always had these, like, panic moments. and after okay I'm sorry

this is like really like deep in graphic but like after the first time I was ever sexually assaulted and I didn't realize that that's what it was I was 14 and I had a very rough household environment um

my like my parents um they weren't together but like my mom had custody of me and it wasn't, she wasn't very nice to say the least. I won't get into details with that, but I kind of like always had to put on a smile for her, you know, because if I showed weakness in front of her,

it would not be about me anymore. So I couldn't express my feelings, I guess, in a healthy way in my household. So what I would do growing up is I would always reserve my crying for the bathroom because I could lock the door and I could turn on the shower so no one would hear me.

So after the first time I was sexually assaulted when I was 14, it was kind of a ripple of events that happened. I experienced a deep depression for the first time. throughout like the span of those months and I ended up picking up very bad habits to try to cope with that and I could not tell anybody I couldn't tell my mom because she wouldn't believe me um and I ended up after a while of doing with these bad habits that were just harder and harder to cover up I expressed it to

my stepfather and we tried to get help for me but then I ended up like going to a mental hospital and then I wasn't really able to get the care that I needed because like was my stepdad and it wasn't like my mom so it's like my mom was like you're just doing this for attention and she would just tell me all the time like you're just doing this for attention and I was like okay well and I wasn't really able to get the help that I needed until I was 17 because when I was 17

when I first turned 17 That was when I was 14 15 That was the depression Then when I turned 17 I got cut off financially So I had to pay for my own food And whatever else I just still lived with my parents

Because I didn't have a choice But then after a couple months I was able to move out And go to university And I had to figure out Like

what's the word like when you like are again all odds are against you but you still like go through it like you still like triumph? I don't know perseverance I don't know perseverance so I had to persevereign so I had to persevere I guess through all this and um because like my parents didn't do taxes so I had to like do pay for college all the way up front like no loans or anything so I just worked really hard and I like overworked myself and it was very unhealthy to myself but I was able to finally get therapy, especially because I had to because I wanted to bring my birds in my dorm because I had pet birds,

and I needed a therapist to register them as an emotional support animal. So therapy helped me a lot, and it helped me really be mindful and understand my feelings, and mostly in my childhood. It helped me unpack that a lot. So realizing, even now, realizing that growing up, if I expressed my feelings or weakness or whatever around my own family, it wasn't perceived well and it wasn't a good outcome.

So I guess that made this habit now that I have of expressing my feelings and big bursts at a time, usually alone. Well, always alone, because I'm embarrassed for anybody else to see it. You keep on using this term weakness. Can you help me understand what that means? Like, I guess I feel weak when I let myself, like, express these emotions because I guess it's not the strong thing to do. You know, sometimes I'll cry on stream, but it's not the same thing as, like, a spiral, you know? I'm not afraid to, like, cry on my stream, whether I'm happy or, like, maybe a little bit sad, but, like, a spiral is, like, a spiral is, like a lot different.

Yeah, I'm just trying to process your facial reactions. Sorry, I'm like trying out to cry. Yeah, I see that. So, so I'm, I'm not sure exactly, since you're not trying to, I'm going to try to do what you're trying to do, which means I have to be careful about what I ask. You can ask whatever. Oh, I know I can, but like, do I want to?

Right? Because here you, because like, I mean, I, I think honestly, like, I didn't think that was like, you know, I didn't think that was a, sometimes we ask like powerful questions. Like, oh my God, like, you know, like we'll ask questions like, oh my God. But I was just, I was just pointing out something about, you know, the language that you use, which is like this term of weakness. And then this whole thing is like right under the surface. Yeah, I guess. that's why I don't talk about it because when you shine the spotlight on me and bunch of things just fall out.

Yeah, so then I'm not, you know, and if, if a theme of, of today is like being unprepared for conversations and not forcing people into being, you know, so, so I'm, I'm just trying to think a little bit about like, because I, can I think for a second? Yeah. So what I'm hearing is that you feel weak. and that you carry that feeling. You've carried it with you for a long time. I'm also hearing some really bizarre stuff,

like going to a mental hospital for attention. And what that kind of makes me wonder is like, who is that, you know, when someone says you're doing it for attention, usually what that means is you're taking attention away from me, right? Which is like, no, we're not, I'm not having a mental breakdown to try to take attention away from you.

Like, believe it or not, maybe the reason I am having a mental breakdown is because I'm struggling in some way. And I actually don't give two shits about who anyone is paying attention to. I'm just managing, I'm having trouble managing my internal environment. Yeah. You look like you're about to say something.

Yeah, I mean, like, Even me wanting to defend that, it's like, it's, it's, it's me, like, really feeling like I have to defend it. Like, oh, well, actually, yeah, because, but I don't, I don't have to, but I just, I feel like I do. Because I feel like I have to be like, oh, well, like, I really wasn't doing it for attention because even these harmful things I were doing, I was, oh, I would always hide. Like, I didn't let anybody see him. Yeah, there's a lot of stuff like, Adriana, that, that I'm hearing that kind of makes me think a little bit. Like one is, so you tend to use the passive voice a lot. So like, so that means that like you'll say like you, you didn't say I persevered.

You'll say something like I was able to persevere. Like anytime you talk about one of your successes, it's never I plus verb. And then it's it's always like, well, after I moved out, things happened and I was able to go to college. But you don't say, like, I worked my ass off and paid my way through school. Which is what it sounds like. So I... I guess... Yeah, it's like...

I guess I only feel like that when I'm in, like, a high high, I guess. I'm just... Like, in a high high, I feel like, oh, yeah, like, yeah, I did that. But then, like, when I'm not in that, I feel, I guess... Yeah. I feel like it's a lot of like right now there is a lot of pressure on me because people are finding any way to discredit me as a person in my experiences. And that's why it's really hard because it's really hard. Like everything is being looked under under a microscope. So it's like I can sit here and be like, hey, like I was really sad or I'm sad. And then they'll be like, yeah, well, here's a picture of you having fun like three months ago.

So you're clearly not sad because look at this photo of you smiling. And it's like, bruh. Like it's just, it's like ridiculous the things that are people are saying. But I guess it just reopens that kind of thing I've dealt with throughout my childhood of like, oh, well, you're just doing it for attention. Yeah, I mean, that's, I'm kind of curious though. What's it like having your life under a microscope? I mean, I've always had my life on the internet, so I've always, you know, been conscious of that.

But at the same time, I grew up on the internet. I grew up streaming. I started streaming on Twitch when I was 18, but I was streaming on you now throughout my childhood and, like, throughout my teen life. And, like, playing guitar. I was really 13 years old, playing guitar on you now and um you know i always had to be conscious of like my internet life i

guess and my life was just always on the internet and then i started streaming for fun when i was 18 just because i wanted someone or on twitch because i wanted someone to talk to because i was really lonely and i was just got out of a breakup and i was in university alone because i didn't have a roommate and I would just, you know, meet some internet friends. I had really good time. And I always want to be a YouTuber, so I'd always just be like, I'm not a streamer, I want to be a YouTuber. And then I ended up really liking streaming and wanted to be a streamer.

So what's it? Sorry, that was kind of off track. Yeah, that's totally fun. How do you feel when you go off track? Bad, I guess. Because I should probably be focused. Well, yeah, so we're going to try to learn a lesson. today, Adriana, and this may be arrogant or paternalistic for me to say. But I have a wild idea.

Like, whatever you feel like talking about is the right thing to talk about. So, I guess it's just everything I do now, it makes me feel like, okay, what are they going to say about it? You know, like, like, even my friends joke about it. Like, I was like, oh, this is my outfit for today. And my friend's like, oh, my gosh, you're going to wear the color. red people are going to start being like she wore red for a reason she wore red because it's the color this is this and then like just like nitpick literally everything like even my friends like realize it so they just joke about it all the time because you know that's I mean because you talk about being under a microscope I'm almost hearing that you're kind of like being dissected

like when people are like oh my god look at the attention grabbing she's doing with that red outfit yeah my god I can you believe her the nerve the nerve that's exactly what it's like of wearing clothing like oh my god she listens to katie perry well katy perry has a song about sex once

so it explains a lot why adrano is like doing all these things so it's like bro like katy peri push her in the bag that's that's the reference what what how do you how do you I was about to ask how does that make you feel but what I'm wondering is like how the fuck

do you deal with that? Like, what do you, what do you do? In that, like, I don't know. I really don't. That's the thing. I don't know what to do. And I'm, it's like, scary because I'm, like, almost scared for my safety at some points because of, like, the things I read. And I just, my friends, like, don't look at that, don't look at that. And they just, like, make sure I don't. But it's like it's almost like harassment the way people like I can't be

I tweeted like happy bisexual visibility day because it was bisexual visibility day and I'm bisexual and I know a lot of people in my community that are as well and then everyone's like oh yeah you're bisexual that explains a lot

and then they just start like it's like bro I can't even what does that explain I don't that's what I'm saying like these people will just draw anything from like left field is that the right analogy?

Sure. I think I understood what you're they pull it out of their ass is that what you're yeah okay because I understand why like and I don't even know if it's right of me to put myself in their perspective you know like I'm like saying like

why would they think that and I'm like trying to put myself perspective from what I understand I understand why they're upset that maybe someone they looked up to did something bad and they don't want to they don't want that to be the truth so they're trying to find any reason why maybe it wouldn't

be the truth or maybe why they'll cut them their their favorite streamer or some slack you know so that's i guess that's how i'm trying yeah i was about to say that sounds like that's how you understand their response that's how i'm trying to understand it so i don't i guess like take it so personally i see Because it's easy to take it personally. It's easy if I'm in the weak mindset, as I say to myself. I know you say you don't like me saying that. But like when I'm not, everything's fine.

You're using language that I don't like. Is that okay? Yeah. You're damn right it is. So when I'm not in that mindset, I just like breeze. I'm like, I'm chilling, whatever. But then when something triggers me to be in that mindset, that everything starts being personal.

Everything starts being harmful to me. And I start being like, oh, like, these people are calling me like a slut and a whore. Maybe they're right. And I just, I take it really personally. And, but that's not most of the time. It's just in those moments. So, and it's, um, it's hard because, throughout

and even saying this is just giving me an ammo but I'm gonna say it anyways because I've said these things on my stream before and they'll probably find it so throughout being on my own at 17 and coming from

a family I feel didn't love me and not just in there like well my family didn't love me like in like an actual like like I don't know you know what I mean it's it's like my parents kind of cut me off and I kind of had to fend for myself so I really just didn't feel that

love and just because like throughout my childhood it was like as I stated before like hard to feel accepted for who I am so I would go as far as to say impossible but just my thought okay so I um I was just searching for love anywhere I guess and when people showed me that affection I didn't want to lose them. So I had a really intense fear of abandonment. And my, I wasn't, like, I was in a, like, kind of bad relationship that wasn't very kind, to say the least.

And it was kind of like he would always yell at me and be really mean to me. But I just thought it was just, normal because that's kind of how I was raised. So I'm like, this is love because this is how my parents showed me love. So and then he ended up cheating on me, but I wanted to make things work out because I didn't want to lose him. I had that figure of abandonment, but then after a while, I just kind of was like whatever. So then I was in college. I was on my own and I was just navigating on my own and I just ended up in situations.

that I thought were like good for me, but they weren't because I was looking for like love in the wrong places or whatever. Can you help me understand where is love in the wrong place and where's love in the right place? Yeah, let me, I wrote about this because I wanted to say, I guess, I was just kind of writing on my feelings because I was in like my weaker moment. So I wanted to make sure. Can I ask?

I got my feelings. Oh, on paper. Okay, so I wrote this. Throughout my independent life, I struggled with being used, and at the time I just thought I was being normal and spontaneous, but looking back, I realized the situations I put myself in because I had to grow up really early. That's what I wrote.

So it's kind of like, after a while, and a lot of obviously therapy I process like hey that's not really a good thing you know and I realized like that's not where I should be looking for love

and like I and then after I stopped doing that um it's kind of like my perspective like let me just put an example for people who might not be understanding of this

is like, I would go, this guy would text me, hey, you look so pretty and so cute. Like, we should totally hang out. And I'm like, totally, I would love to hang out. And then we hang out. And then he puts his armor on me. I'm like, whoa, this guy really likes me. And then he says something like, wow,

you're so good at playing guitar. Because maybe I would play the guitar forever or something. And I'd be like, wow, he likes me for who I am. and then we would partake in activities that were consensual. And I'd be like, wow, now he's really going to like me. And then he would ghost me. But then maybe a couple days later, he would come back and be like, yo, like, let's watch a movie.

And I'd be like, oh my God, yes, this guy really likes me because he hit me up two days later. And we're going to go hang out again. And then he would just like say things like, wow, like you look so pretty. And like just like things. I'm like, oh my God, he really likes me. And then it would go again. And I'd be like, okay.

And then after a while... Presumably partake in more consensual activities. Yeah, exactly. So after a while, like, then he would eventually ghost me or whatever and like started doing it to another girl. So I was like, okay, whatever. You know, fuck boy college activities. So it took me a while to realize, like, I guess I'm better than that

and not to fall for it, I guess. How did you realize that? I guess every, I guess, I don't know, like a lot of self-reflection. And, like, actually, one of them was actually getting in a relationship. And, like, reflecting, because when I was in a relationship, when I was like, you know, yeah, I reflected out in, like, the past. And I was like, damn. And obviously, my partner at the time was like, you didn't deserve that.

And I was like, you know what? Maybe I didn't. Maybe I didn't deserve that. Can you hold on just one second? Yeah. I'm going to DM you real quick, and I want you to check your DMs. Okay. Oh, it's okay.

Okay. Sure? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay. Keep going. Oh, so then, yeah.

So it made me feel like, you know, I realized. that, you know, I was looking for them in the wrong places. And this was, like, when I was, like, 18 when all this happened. So then I'm 19, and I'm like, okay, I get moving to a house and, like, I'm, like, living my life. And I have, like, this newfound knowledge or whatever. Newfound knowledge that you're a decent human being who deserves love? Yeah.

And then I'm, like, I'm focusing on my career. I want to be a streamer really bad. and then I didn't realize like being able to here's where it's kind of deep I didn't realize being able to partake in like sexual activities consensually before that was probably gonna be the last time I'd be able to do that comfortably sadly because then

um I ended up being sexually assaulted in terms of rape um in around that time so it was like oh you know and I obviously didn't process it so I was just like whatever you know that happened it's whatever like um I almost like I was I don't know like I just wanted to not really feel it and I just kind of like was like oh whatever like my fault like shouldn't have done that like shouldn't have gone to that party shouldn't have put myself in that situation, you know. And then right after that, and like not even a month later is when the situation happened with the streamer.

And even when I was at that party, I'm like, okay, I'm with my friends and I'm safe. Like, these are the people I went with, and these are the people who are going to be with me throughout the night. So these people are going to protect me. and they did because, you know, things happened that were bad, but, like, I don't want to say it could have been worse because people used that as an argument. Well, he didn't do all this, so it doesn't make it okay. But the people that were there to protect me and keep an eye on me that night ended up doing so, and I'm really grateful for that. Because, like, my mind wanders all the time of, like, it could have been worse. but it still doesn't make my feelings invalid.

It still doesn't make it okay. And that's what I feel like a lot of people fail to realize. Yeah. So, yeah. How are you doing right now? I'm okay, honestly. Okay. It just feels like, it feels like I don't, I can't process it.

Sure. And not that I don't want to. I can't because I need to do the right thing first. What is the right thing? Like, I guess speaking out, raising awareness. Who is that the right thing for? A lot of women and men who have experienced these things who maybe don't even realize it

or who feel like they can't tell anyone. is it the right thing for you? Yeah. I think I'm very glad that it's finally being talked about because at the end of the day it was so much harder to be quiet about it

to be like forced to be quiet about it and to see people that I thought were my friends and for many years who had my side randomly just turn on me and be like oh well actually this person's going to help my career and you're not and it's like damn it was so painful and it was painful when I would share the story to people in the scene like hey like this is something that I'm really upset about and it's something that is really wrong and they would sit there and be like yeah that's that's fucked up adjara i'm sorry and then

continue to go hang out with that person or maybe farm reactions under their tweets so and i get it it's just business but it's hard because it's so invalidating you've mentioned kind of career power dynamics um you know people it sounds like you feel quite abandoned by friends of yours for the sake of them kind of advancing their career do you feel up to talking about what that experience has been like for you and how you make sense of this all the stuff that's going on yeah it's like it happened with a lot of people so it'd be people like even i was really close friends with and randomly one day i see them hanging out with him And it's like, hey, remember when I would literally cry to you and express my feelings to you on how unfair this situation was and how hard it was for me?

And you've expressed some more things that have happened to you. And then it's like, then it just feels like you weren't really listening. It feels like they weren't really listening or they just didn't really care. and I understand because it's like I really understand putting your career first because I was unfortunately like putting, trying to save my career when it first came out and

the woman gave me like an ultimatum like oh like you want to protect your career or you want to say the full thing. I mean actually you don't have to name people but yeah I'm not asking. The person in the room, the board room. Okay got it. Okay. So I was like So when I was given the ultimatum, I guess I was semi-selfish in trying to meet in the middle

because I did want to protect my career. But I still want to say something, but I still wanted to protect my career. And I guess I couldn't have my cake and eat it too, because then it just ended up both things going down the drain. I ended up losing both. I wasn't able to say my full truth and my career. went down the drain because I was blacklisted from these events and rumors were spread about me and it's really unfair because

I lost a lot of friends that I originally moved across the country for and it's really sad like I moved all the way here just for me to lose these friends because somebody decided to touch me when I was asleep like it's so clear cut it's like I was asleep like I was asleep like I don't understand how people like well I try to put

me in any other situation, I was literally asleep. Like, I, I try to emphasize that so much because I don't feel like people are listening. And, like, when I hear people go against, it's like, what? Like, I was asleep. Like, how was there any way that I could have consented when I was asleep? So, that was just really frustrating. But the main thing that was really frustrating is hearing these rumors about me. and um like one of the rumors i heard from someone i have not even talked to who ended up being close friends with

that um person i like i heard it from a friend so it was like gave a telephone but i heard that i am like a whore who tries to sleep with all the austin streamers and that like i'm a slut and a whore and like just or a bitch or whatever and like like they like they like They just try to, like, say these really hard things about me because they want to make a reason for it to be okay. For what to be okay? They want to make a reason for me being touched when I was asleep to be justifiable in their mind. Because they know their friend fucked up, but they don't want, instead of being like, dude, fuck you to like the person who did it.

They're just finding reasons to hate me and make it okay that it happened to me in their own brain, in whoever else's brain, like, oh well, it's okay that that happened to her because she's a bitch. That's okay that it happened to her because she tries to sleep with Austin Streamers. And I shouldn't even have to go and say this,

but I have not slept with a single Austin Streamer. In my life! Which is like insane that like there is such a rumor going around that that was the case. So. So what I'm just to kind of clarify, so it sounds like you heard a rumor and you're trying to make sense of who would start this rumor and what they must be thinking.

Yeah. But if I'm hearing this and if this is, because I'm just kind of noticing that there's like a lot of like low quality. information floating around, right? Like people like rumor mills and this and that. But I'm not, I'm not hearing and, and you feel very confident that you've been blacklisted. Yeah. I was like not super confident.

It was just speculation up until one of my friends at the time, we were just having a good time and he just randomly said this. I'm like, what? Why didn't you tell me this before? But he, um, he said to me, Oh yeah, like I got a message from the person who touched me When we were streaming together

It's saying that he was really triggered that I was hanging out with you And never to do that again And then I was like, what the hell And then recently I ended up seeing those screenshots for the first time And it's like Jesus Christ And then after I came out about it It was more of like like a wave of people being like, yes, I was told not to hang out with you.

Yes, here's a screenshot of me being told not to hang out with you. Like, I just, all of my, like, theories in my head after that one thing that was told to me, confirmed, came true. And I just heard this wave of people saying, like, I was trying to hang out with you, this, this and this, here's a screenshot. And it was just really sad that they never said anything before. But now that it was popular for me to speak my truth, instead of to keep quiet about it, it was easier to say.

I see. So is your career as a streamer? Like, is it Gigi? How do you see it now? Well, I have like over 9 to 5 right now. But I am not going to give up on content creation because I love content creation and I'm not doing it for the numbers. It was really awesome to be able to do it for a full-time job,

but I'm not doing it for the numbers. I'm doing it because I love it, you know, and a lot of people come into my chat. And this is something recent. Like, I got a lot of viewers, obviously, when I was addressing the situation initially, and then I went kind of back down. And a lot of people have been like,

here's your view count. Good job trying to clout farm, whore. And it's like, bro. Like, at the end of the day, I love to stream, and I loved my community. like and I love making videos and YouTube videos it's like not something I'm just gonna give up you know it's not like I pay attention to the numbers I don't do it for the

numbers I'm not gonna sit here and run around and be like oh I'm a this many viewer Andy you should respect me like bruh like and it's crazy how many people like let the numbers get to their head like that but um what do you like about stream I like being able to meet people from all over and I guess make people laugh because I've always wanted to kind of be based in comedy and stuff and it's just fun like the people I met through streaming is really like kind of wholesome and like a lot of people like like being able to make those connections is really awesome like my best friend um she lived in chicago before this and then I made her move down here with me so now we're like twin but like we like we like hanged

out and like have fun and stuff and like a lot of people that I met through streaming like and my other friend moved here like a lot of people that I like really love and like Carabro moved here and I get to hang out with them and it's just nice and yeah but I've always loved video like video is my main passion I guess because I even went to film school because I was like well if I'm not gonna be a YouTuber I might as well edit movies or something so and Hmm. Do you feel like, Adriana, you're, how do you feel about our conversation today? I feel like, I feel like anxious, I guess. Like, I feel like I'm glad. Like, I feel like we touched on a lot of topics so far that were really good, that I didn't even realize.

but I also feel like anxious because I'm just waiting for someone to clip anything I said and be like, well, look at this. So, but I guess that's just something I need to get over because it's going to happen for a while now. Hmm. I was going to say, I find it, I haven't, I've been trying to steer clear of clipable stuff, but I mean, of course there's always something, but. There's always going to be something. But I mean, you know, it wasn't, I've certainly done worse. I'll say that. Okay.

What I, is it okay if I just kind of share with you like what I heard from you about this conversation and maybe like just add a couple of my own thoughts? And then if there's anything that's, I think we're having this conversation for kind of like important reasons with a capital I. And so I just want to make sure that we kind of touched on everything. that we needed to with sufficient depth because we still do have some time. And if there's something like more that we need to dive into or talk about, I'd love to do that. So the first thing is that it sounds like you've had your own personal struggle with all of this experience around sexual assault, around dealing with guilt, dealing with shame, dealing, you know, thinking about what you could have done differently. once again a lot of that sort of almost like not holding other people responsible at the very

beginning and really focusing on what you could have done, which is very natural, by the way. And there's actually like brain science that explains why we do that. And so it sounds like you would sort of come to some degree of peace. But then what I'm kind of really noticing or what I felt like I heard is that if felt to me like you got strapped into a roller coaster and then the roller coaster started moving. And then you didn't really like, you weren't, like, there's no, there's no wheel on a roller coaster. It's not, you know, ain't no Mario cart. Yeah.

There's no steering wheel. It's once you board. So even like the initial disclosure that there was a sexual assault was like not your choice. People are kind of entering your space. your space and telling you how it's going to be. You know, I'm going to try to do my best to get people kind of the benefit of the doubt. And, you know, I'm not hearing threats per se, but more like, hey, you need to really think about what you're going to say and like how it could be perceived because like this is the world

that we live in. And there's a lot of like, you know, drama farming and clout chasing and all this kind of stuff. But I'm really kind of just feeling like the. conversation just got taken out of your hands and became particular things. Then people are weighing in. And then you didn't want to like disappoint anyone, right? You didn't want to like get on anyone's blacklist, which you've managed to do anyway. Yeah. And in trying to take the middle, I just end up Yeah. And falling. Yep. And and I have some thoughts about that. That I'll share in a second. But and then I think that there's just a lot of like, um, and then once it,

kind of came out, you know, then there's all the victim blaming that goes on and things like that. I think that there's a lot of doubt. Once again, I want to sort of give people the benefit of the doubt there and just acknowledge that sometimes when you discover that someone you care about or someone you believe is a good person has committed a sexual assault, it can feel really unbelievable. and so people are like vocally and in that moment kind of like processing their disbelief like with you you know and so I think sometimes that can like I've seen that kind of thing happen and I kind of want to give people the benefit of the doubt I think that that's one end of the spectrum the other end of the spectrum is people will try to pick apart your story right and it's like if you were asleep how did you even know you know and they'll they'll operate in a lot of

different ways because they're having, you know, because they don't believe you or they don't believe their friend is capable of something like this. And I think that also goes to, you know, we think about people as good people or bad people. But I think most people think of themselves as good people. And I think a lot of people will do bad things and they'll do it because they thought they were doing right or that it was acceptable or whatever. And I think sometimes we forget that good people can commit sexual assaults. What we think of is good people. Yeah.

Because most, sorry to interrupt, but most sexual assaults are, like, people think, like, oh, my gosh, like, you're going to get pulled into an alley and someone's just going to, like, take advantage of you right then and there. But it's, like, most sexual assaults are people that, like, you know. Like, it can be anybody, like, that you know. It's a coworker, friend, a teacher, whatever. Like, it's not usually, well, like, there's a very low, like, percentage of it that is just, like, alley, dark alley, whatever. But a lot of it is mostly by people that the victim knows.

Yeah, absolutely. So I think about two-thirds of sexual assault. are committed by people that know them and usually also not like not even necessarily like distant acquaintances but oftentimes friends a family bosses employees co-workers like people that you may even know well um and so just kind of going back to like what i kind of heard you say is that as people started to express skepticism and and victim blame and stuff like that it kind of like brings up for you like all the shame and guilt and stuff that you have already dealt with. Yeah, for sure.

And then what happens is people make you responsible for ruining someone's career. It's not the act that they committed. Yeah. And I've seen that in, you know, very closely as a clinician. And even in terms of families, like, oh, my God, you're tearing this family apart. If you say something like that, it'll tear the family apart. And it's like what I think what tore the family apart is sexual assault.

Yeah. And and then it sounds like there was, you know, there have been consequences for you, very real consequences. I'm also hearing that it's been a challenge for you from a, and now we're going to, I'm going to kind of focus a little bit more on just things that I heard you say and just how you kind of approach. stuff. So I'm hearing that there's weak Adriana. And weak Adriana doesn't weak Adriana feels things

but also doesn't get stuff done because you can't feel things and get shit done at the same time. Right? Those are like, there's like strong Adriana who gets things done and weak Adriana who does not get things done. Yeah.

And even then, I mean, I think I mentioned something about, you know, I don't get the sense that anyone's like looking out for you in a weird way like yourself included. It sounds to me like, you know, oftentimes what can happen in people who have experienced trauma is like they just learn early on that they're not worth it. That you don't have value. So like, who cares about what, you know, you like people will just be taught that we don't care about. what you want. Like, oh, like, here's Adriana having a breakdown, being hospitalized for psychiatric reasons, and you're making it all about you and your attention seeking, oh, my God, you're doing it for attention. So I'm just trying to imagine if you're 14 years old or whatever and something

like that happens, like, what do you think about how much you're worth? What do you learn about how much you matter? And I'm kind of hearing in a lot of ways, you kind of don't. Because like even when you're talking about, okay, how do I navigate this roller coaster? Like, how do I not piss people off? How do I like censor what I say? Like, how do I like temper my, and even then it's like, okay, well, I'm doing this for others. Altruism.

Which is, can be good and healthy and all that. But, you know, I hope for you, Adriana, that you're able to find a place where you can do something for yourself. You know, you can speak your truth because it's important to you. Yeah. I mean, this past time, it was pretty important to me. But it being, like, quiet for a while just reinforced those feelings like nobody cares, you know? Like, nobody cares about me.

And those feelings are really reinforced as, like, friends just, like, friends just. started to drop and it's like I express the feelings to my friends in private a lot and and I sometimes I feel like I'd just talk about it too much because I would just be so hurt by it and when I it made me realize like when I did do it for me and when I did express these feelings for me people didn't care either so I always told myself when I get bigger as a content creator, I'm going to come out about it for me, but I ended up being granted an opportunity to talk about it without having to become a bigger creator in the first place. And I'm very grateful for the opportunity, but it's, you know, I'm still facing repercussions regardless

and I still would. And I had to realize that, but it's better than, it's better than like suffering in silence and seeing that person continue to do things towards women, you know, because the main thing that just made me most uncomfortable was hearing that, like, he was also continuing that behavior towards multiple other women. I really, like, just took it upon myself, like, this isn't for me anymore. And, you know, I feel good having my story being out, but it's not really for me in the main reason. Like the main thing I think about.

Yeah, I think that that, I think a lot of sexual assault victims have come forward and have made the world a better place because of that. I mean, I feel like, sorry to interrupt, but I feel like that really helped me realize. Like, what was, what happened to me was wrong in terms of, like, other incidents because when the Me Too thing came out originally, I think it was like 2017, like with Hollywood and everything, I was reading some of the stories and I was like, wait, what? Like, this, really? Like, this isn't okay. And it made me, like, I was able to process the,

The fact that I got sexually solved when I was 14, I was able to process that at 17 and realized, like, yo, that wasn't okay. Because for those years in between, I'm just sitting there, like, telling myself, like, I really liked him, you know? Like, it's okay that he did that to me because, you know, I had a crush on him. And, but even, like, after it initially happened, like, the minute after it happened, all I wanted to do was throw up. I was in, like, a state of shock. I didn't know why. I'm like, why do I feel this way? Like, I like him, you know?

And I was in this state of shock. I didn't know how to handle it. And I was, like, on a camping trip with my family. I was only 14. I didn't know what to do. But that's where I just started getting into, like, harmful things in order to, like, feel something, I guess. And, uh,

I didn't know how to deal with it. And then after, like, I grew up a little bit and I, like, had a relationship at 16, I wasn't able to connect, like, sexually. Like, I wasn't able to figure that out in a healthy way, you know? Like, it didn't feel normal. And it felt, like, by the time, I was in a relationship with someone for nine months before we ever did anything. and when I did, it was just, it was so hard,

and it was, like, a very, like, traumatizing experience, even though, like, everything was consensual and everything was, like, chill. It's, like, I didn't, my body didn't react to it very well. So it made me realize, like, why is this happening? Like, is this normal? Like, am I just gay? Like, I had a feeling I was, like, bye at the time,

but I was like, damn, like, am I just gay? Like, I don't understand. Like, why is this happening? I didn't understand until I was 17, like, a year after. because I ended up breaking up. But I was 17 and I read the bottom of me two stories and I'm like, and I realized how other people processed it and I and I read a lot about it. And I was like, oh my God, like this thing that happened when I was 14, like that wasn't okay.

It wasn't okay. And all these years I just tried to make it seem okay. Yeah, I think one of this most unfortunate things after traumatic experiences, especially sexual ones, you know, you feel not okay, but you should feel okay. And then what you end up doing is contorting yourself to like fit back into society, right? Because like there's a part of you that's sort of like twisted out of shape. And then like you're like, wait, this is twisting out of shape. It doesn't feel right on the inside.

But instead of like twisting it back into shape, we twist the rest of us. And then when we try to plug back in, we don't fit. Yeah. And then it causes all kinds of problems like, you know, romance, intimate relationships, things like that. And the biggest problem is that we don't really know. Like, and then since we've like twisted out of shape and we don't fit, then it becomes an us problem. Like it's my fault now that I'm so fucked up. I can't, you know, connect with another human being.

Like I should be able to do this. Like, what's wrong with me? when what really starts is that original problem. And then we start to take ownership of the whole thing. And the other thing, I really appreciate you sharing all of your perspectives and experiences. Because I think honestly, Adriana, this is not talked about enough. So one of the most bizarre things is like, you know, we talk about sexual assault as if it's uniformly traumatizing. Whereas honestly, the most, like clinical is an anecdotal experience.

but the most common reaction that I see from people is something that you said earlier, which is it's whatever. Yeah. And like people don't realize that that is kind of like a very common reaction. And then it's like, people say like,

oh, well, you said it was whatever before and now you're saying something about it. And it's like, okay, like, I don't know. Like, I don't know, like the first Twitter, obviously, that happened, I was ended up, we ended up agreeing to say, like, I was obviously persuaded to say that it was harassment and not assault. And it's crazy that everyone's like, you change your story, you change your story. The story is still the same. It's just, there's more vocabulary words this time. And because it's the same story.

I was touched, my chest was touched. like my chest region was touched it said that the first time sorry for not saying boob the first time because I guess I should have said boob the first time for people to take me seriously because all the facts were there it just said

oh well it's sexual harassment instead of assault or whatever because I was asked to put that in there but then it's like it's like running someone over in your car but then telling someone like oh I didn't run

them over. And it's like, well, I see right there that you didn't. Well, I didn't. Oh, then it must be true. Then it must, what you're saying must be true. Because I literally said, my chest was touched. But then there's my little cliff side note that was asked to be put in there. This is assault or harassment, not assault. And then everyone's like, oh, well, you did just tell us you got assaulted, but you just said it's harassment, not assault. So we're just going to take that and run with it. It's like, and now people are like, well, you're changing your story. And it's like, I'm really not. Like, go read the first twit longer again. I'm just being more expressive of how it made me feel and saying boob instead of chest this time,

because I guess that makes it more valid for people. What is it like when you, when this comes out and you're talking about being harassed or assaulted? And like, the response that you get is like, you didn't capitalize your first letter after a period. Me? Literally. What's that like? It's invalidating because it makes me feel like all this, it's almost like I'm being gaslit all over again from like whatever because I've obviously experienced it in my life. It makes me feel like people are being like, oh, well, it's really not that bad.

It's not that bad. Like you're exaggerating. You're exaggerating. And because I realized that I grew up that way, it's like I almost feel like, you're, you're exaggerating. am I exaggerating? And I need, like, people to be like, Adriana, you're not. Like, you're not. Like, this is awful that this happened to you.

Like, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Like, this is awful. To, like, remind me that, you know, I'm not, you know, I know, I know this is going to get clipped. But I, that my feelings are valid and that I'm allowed to feel uncomfortable. I'm allowed to feel those feelings because I'm allowed to feel,

like my body wasn't mine when it wasn't that experience because I was asleep not able to consent and all of a sudden someone is taking advantage of that and... Why on earth do you think that's what's going to get clipped?

What... It's going to get clipped that I was saying... What was going to get clipped was saying that sometimes I feel like maybe the trolls are right and I feel like maybe it isn't that bad but then my friends have to remind me that is bad because I already know the LSF comments it's going to be like see why do her

friends need to remind her that it's bad so this story is getting all out of place I already know like I feel I see them in my brain I see the comments that I'm going to get for saying literally anything like this guy's blue or whatever I just see the way people are going to spin it um so I guess it's anxiety that I'm feeling but yeah sorry the sidetrack but I just it is really anxiety and do you seem to do anything. What are you apologizing for again? Rambling, I guess. And is that okay?

Yeah. But see, now it's tricky because now I'm telling you, oh, Adriana, you're apologizing, bad apologizer. And then you're like, okay, yeah, okay. Right? So I think it's okay. Doesn't bother me. But, you know, and the reason I pointed out to you is because I think it, I mean, I know that the internet is a judgmental place.

And sometimes I think it's like very easy to forget when people like change their stories. And they didn't always, well, yeah, like that's what happens. It's like, okay, you're posting on Reddit. Should you spend less time on Reddit? Yeah, I should. Well, then why don't you? Your story's inconsistent. What are you doing posting on Reddit?

You should spend, you know, like that's just how human beings are. And I think sometimes we forget that, that human beings remember things differently, that memory is not perfect, that as we numb ourselves and bury our feelings, that as that process reverses over time, that it's like okay to speak up a year later, two years later, five years later, it's also common for stories and perceptions to change. That doesn't necessarily mean they're not true. That's just how human memory is. and, you know, I'm just, I'm noticing how much RAM, how much your RAM is occupied.

It feels to me like you can't even have a free conversation because in your own head, you're like, you've got your own little boardroom up there that's making suggestions to what you say. It just, it's really hard because. Sounds exhaust. I even, I do it in my, like, private conference. conversations too because at this point it's like who do you trust you know and who's gonna who's out to get you and who's not and like who actually like cares for you and like actually cares because I realized the first time these people who told me they actually cared didn't so since I realized that months later now it just makes you feel more anxious because it's like yeah these people are being nice to me now because it's like it's the popular thing to do, but what happens if it's not the popular thing to do anymore? Like, what happens if it blows over like it did last time? Because last time, when I first came

out, the people were like, I'm so sorry, this happened to you. Those same people went to go comment on that person who did that to me's tweet, happy birthday. And it's like, damn, like, you already forgot? Like, it's just like a couple weeks, and all of a sudden it's like, it's okay, like you're the one who's sitting here commenting on my thing. Like, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm here for you. And then you're over here interacting with this said person that you claimed yourself was so bad. Like it's so now when people, I have conversations with people, I don't really know who to trust.

That sounds very isolated. And I have a couple close. Yeah, I have a couple close people that I do trust. Thank God. But it's hard when people come up to me. like, hey, I'm so sorry, whatever. Like, I have to really be careful what I say, because it's like, oh, if I say anything,

it's gonna be taken a wrong way. Oh my God. I guess. Sounds tough. But yeah, so I don't know, I don't, I almost feel uncomfortable, like saying that my life is hard, you know? Yeah, that's why I'm saying it. Because it's like, whenever I think that,

it's like, okay, well, I have to be grateful for everything I do have. Like, I am grateful that I am, like, I am able to be a streamer and stuff. Are you allowed to be ungrateful for the things that aren't great? I don't know, because then I'm being ungrateful. I am grateful, so I don't want to be ungrateful or seem ungrateful because I am. Is it possible to be both grateful and ungrateful at the same time? Sorry. My bad. No, yeah.

I guess it is. But I just don't know. I feel like maybe they contradict each other. I think it certainly feels that way. So this is also something that we see a lot. When people are suffering usually, like after a traumatic experience, is that the world becomes black and white. And like, we're not allowed to be, it's either or, right?

there's manic kickass adriana who is able to advocate for herself like you kind of suggested you can only do it when you're feeling the four ms right yeah and it's the four ms because it's the emo of the fish m m m m and it's like the fish and i love that emo so that's why i made that mantra for myself i'm gonna have to check out that emote later i wonder people are It's the opposite of pogfish It's like the fish It's not pogging, it's going like this Okay

So Um Yeah I mean I I hope You can feel ungrateful too I mean I do Obviously when I'm in my sad trenches

I'm like Like fuck like this is so sad Like here's some of my feelings I feel when I'm in my trenches, I guess, like the low lows. It's like, I feel, it's like, I feel like, oh, I am a woman, and in this male-dominated space, I'm not taken seriously. And throughout my life, I've just been used,

and I'm not seen as a person, I'm seen as an object, or something pretty to look at. and this is just who I am. And if I want to prove a point, I have to do something very irrational and crazy in order to prove a point, no matter what the consequence means to me or my loved ones. And that's a thought.

These are thoughts that circle my mind every time I have one of these deep breakdowns because it's like it's almost like I want to do this irrational thing for other people you know

like I because I don't want anybody else to go through this like I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy and so and it's hard because what it's like what is it like to go through

something that you wouldn't wish on your worst It's hard and I like it sucks because the people who have gone through it they understand and it makes me really sad because I know what people understand that they've gone through it too but there's people who can not have gone through it and try to understand but you can tell the way people have hate or the way people say these awful things to me you can tell they've never gone through it

and I don't wish for them to go through it and it hurts it almost hurts more when I see people say they understand and they share their feelings too because it hurts knowing that they don't do it too

and it just sucks because it's so normalized And it's so common, so many people have gone through it. And it just sucks because it's like, that shouldn't be a thing. That's like saying like, I got shot in my leg, and it hurt, and I couldn't walk, and I couldn't do the things I loved, whatever. It happens when you get shot in the real leg. You don't expect 50 other people to come out. and be like, I got shot in the leg too.

Like, it's such a weird thing that you think, like, like, people don't be getting shot in the leg on a normal basis. But then you come out and say, oh, I got shot in the leg. I just didn't tell anybody because I didn't want to, like, seem like an attention whore. I didn't want people to send me gift baskets and edible arrangements. So I didn't tell people I was in the hospital for getting shot in the leg. And then when people come out, like, I was shot in the leg and did the same thing too. It's like, what?

Getting shot in the leg is like really common. Like I didn't realize it was so common because I didn't want to say anything about it. And obviously they didn't either. So. Adrienne, I really enjoy listening to you talk. I mean, like I know enjoy may not be the right word, but it's not like fun. Like I'm not going to like. Yeah.

I know I mean. Hey, let's everybody get together on Friday night and watch this interview. But I think there's something just really. I've never heard anyone say it like this, but man, it's so just lies that when you talk about this and someone else shares with you that they understand and like you know who understands and who doesn't. And that's really sad because like you know like in order to understand what I've gone through, like you have had to walk a dark road. and you kind of see that. And so there's some degree of, you know, connection, but like it's such a devastating thing to connect over.

I know. And it's really sad because what hurt me the most is, like, expressing my story to my family. And I thought there'd just be like, okay, like I'm really sorry that happened, but the way they reacted, they didn't even have to tell me anything. I just knew. And it was really hard knowing. Like, they didn't even tell me anything, but the way they reacted, it just, it's really hard because I saw that they went through it too. And it's just, it's hard. But I don't know how to ever. make people understand because there's always going to be people

who want to fight it and there's always going to people who are going to defend the people who do these things and maybe it's because they really care about that person or maybe it's because they see themselves in that person and maybe they feel guilty themselves so it's really disheartening you know what makes me both a little bit happy and a little bit sad. I'm going to tear up now too

because, you know, I've been holding it back for a little while, but it's okay to have feelings. You say, I don't know how to make people understand, and yet I think what you've done today has helped people understand. I hope so. I hope everything came across clear

because sometimes I have all these things I want to say and I don't know how to say them. But I think that's normal, but a lot of times when I go into like speech mode, I kind of don't like I'll like to be honest I'll probably get off the interview and be like I don't even remember what I said

and then I'll like watch it back and I'll be like oh okay don't watch it for a week I won't you're going to be thinking all the wrong things if you watch it right afterward one thing I'd like to leave you with Adriana is is um

there's some things that I have trouble letting slide And one of them is that there's no point in trying because it's so busted, which I know you recognize is not entirely true. But one thing that when I've worked with people who have managed to heal a fair amount, I think one thing that changes is right now you've got all the dark feelings in the dark place. And then there are times where you're feeling really, really good about yourself where like you can come first. but what I kind of hear when you say things like that is that there's like a normal Adriana who doesn't have either of those and yeah and what I what I hope you'll be able to find at some point in your life and certainly more therapy can help with that it sounds like

you've had some already but but also like healthy relationships and and things like that it's not just therapy is to recognize that like who you are right now like are you are you in a high are you in a low right now? Like which where are you? Or neither? I'm kind of like throughout the interview I was like teetering like oh but then I was like no and then I just kind of like compartmentalize it into like this is time for me to speak and be clear on what I have to say so I'm just kind of like like I was like teetering into like oh I'm getting emotional and I was like no I need to to say these things because it's important. I guess that's what my brain is saying to me.

Like, oh, you need to say these things, this is important. Yeah. And I think what happens sometimes is we like, it's like there's so much flooding in our house that we pile up all the water on the side of the, like, and we build a dam. And we block it all off. Yeah. But the problem is the more that you dam it up, the second you open the gates, it all comes rushing out. And for people, you know, I do believe that you can heal from this. like in a really like solid way in the sense that you can be happy and have a healthy relationship

and have friends and I really do believe that's possible for you. I'm not just saying that because I'm like optimistic. I've seen it happen before time and time and time again. Even today I think you've demonstrated to me at least like I hate this word how strong human beings can be. Yeah. But I would say that what I would encourage you to consider moving towards is a place where like the regular you can feel all of those things, which I know sounds kind of foreign, but that you don't have to be at a high high to feel good about yourself and prioritize yourself. That you even don't have to be at a low low to feel ungrateful, right?

That you can be kind of like a neutral you on a regular day. a cup of coffee in the morning and be like, man, there's a portion of my life that was absolute shit. And then go about your day. That's so weird to think about it. Yeah, I get you. Like that I'd be able to feel that feeling and then. Because sometimes, like, what I do is when I'm feeling okay is I'll joke about it. And be like, oh my gosh. Yeah. So that's, that's what.

It's dumb. Like, like, like, obviously this was like a really impact. thing that really hurt me but like I'll be like my friend would be like falling asleep at a party or something like he'll be like just like it was like a guy he was like this like kind of fall asleep at a chair and I'm like don't fall asleep at a party don't fall asleep at a party don't fall asleep this is the worst thing I'm in my life and everybody's like laughing like like my friends are laughing everyone else is like what the fuck is she talking about why she yelling and I'm like don't fall asleep don't do it and um like you know I just joke about it because it's like when I'm in that good moon I'm not gonna like yes I like I like

I'm aware that it happened to me, but I just kind of like pass it off with comedy. I mean, I think honestly, I think that's a step in the right direction, which is, you know, not to make fun of sexual assault. But for you to be able to acknowledge a part of your life, not push it away, not numb it up, and still, like, continue living. Right? And, and, you know, I hope you're able to find that one day where you can just, just, you can just, just live like a normal life instead of have these parts of your life that are just completely separate and then threaten to overwhelm you. Yeah.

I hope so. Let me see if I made sure I said everything. Because as I said, I wrote this when I was in my low, so I was able to think more clearly as in terms of my feelings. Yeah. I guess I said everything. Oh, look at that. That's kind of, yeah.

I did say everything that I was feeling, so that's good. There are anything I wrote, I guess. How do you feel about saying everything that you wanted to say? I feel good because I know that I said what I wanted to say, and I'm not going to be like, oh, shit, I should have said that. Well, maybe I still will, but in terms of, like, now, like, It's not like, we're not going to be like, oh, I forgot to say this because I made sure I said everything that I wrote previously. I just saw something that gave me a tiny glimmer of hope.

You were reading over your notebook, which I imagine is filled with some dark stuff. And yet you had this like very lovely half smile. And I got some sense, like, I couldn't quite tell 100%, but I almost got some sense of like peace. in that smile. Yeah. Like, I'm glad that I kind of covered everything. Yeah. So.

I very much appreciate everything that you covered. I appreciate you for giving me an opportunity to talk about it. Well, I shall take that appreciation. I shall up the ante and appreciate you even more for, you know, really asking to add the conversation, which is hard to do. Because I feel like it's really respectable to talk about my feelings in this environment where that's what we're focused on, right?

There's no drama trying to farm, whatever. Like this, we're focused on feelings and how it makes me feel and whatever. whereas when I try to talk about these things on my stream, it's kind of like invalidated by people because like, oh, she's trying to get her numbers up or oh, look at, she's doing this. As I said, the LSU comments, they just generate my head.

Sure. But at this point, because it's almost predictable. But, yeah, so I'm glad I was able to have this opportunity. Yeah, me too. I think I learned a little bit more about the experience that people have. I think that there are so many things that we don't realize in terms of what our reactions could be, which is it's whatever to what victim blaming looks like, how people feel what to expect. Because I think that's the whole thing is like no one knows what to expect.

So like people don't even know that this is happening. They don't know what's, that it's okay, not okay, you know. And so I think it's... Yeah, and I feel like... I just remember this. Sorry to interrupt. But in terms of like, like understanding it, I guess, and the feelings,

the people I've realized, like, they did not have to tell me a story or anything. There's a lot of people I realize went through it, but there's also people I realize cared for somebody who went through it, too. And they don't even have to tell me that. I just

you just know understand especially with the way this whole thing happened and it really makes me like

feel appreciated and like cared about I guess when people want like when people listen to me

I guess and understand I'm happy you've been able to find at least few of those people yeah sorry that was kind of also I feel like

that wasn't a well-structured sentence, but you know what I mean. I do know what you mean. I think that's because you're actually a very good speaker. Thank you. I hear it a lot, but I don't. You don't believe it. I know. I believe it when I listen to myself.

But when I'm in the moment speaking, I'm like, wait a minute. Do I say that right? Yeah. Well, thank you very much, Adriana. Any last kind of thoughts or questions before we wrap up? Um, no. And last, I just a quick question, are we not drama farming here? Is that not what we're doing?

Because that's what I've been trying to do this whole time. Oh, my bad. I would have named dropped then. I thought that's, isn't that why we do it? It's not fucking. Yeah, that's a lot of people claim anything I do is me playing Fortnite. Oh my God, you're drama farming, Fortnite playing like, bro. I'm playing Fortnite.

Like, I just want to go. to tilt the towers. Cool. Well, take care and enjoy the rest of your day as best as you can. And thank you very much for speaking. Thank you for us. Adios. You know, just to kind of close this today out,

I think it's, if you all take one thing away from the interview, I think a really important thing to take away is that the experiences after a sexual assault can be, in a lot of ways, like even more damaging than the actual assault itself. And I think that's something that we really, really lack an understanding of. Oftentimes it's the fallout after the assault that causes, at least in my opinion, in a handful of cases that I've worked with, like even more problems.

So it's one thing to be, let's say, sexually assaulted by a family member. it's another thing entirely to like have your family tell you to keep quiet about it. And when I've worked with people in the past, I almost think that that second thing is what's so much more damaging. It's the sense of betrayal, abandonment, you know, friends kind of like not being there. Like that's what hurts so much more. And I think this is why we need to have conversations about sexual assault because, you know, like we talk about sexual assault being bad, but we don't talk about how, it's bad. People don't realize what to expect, what they go through. Sometimes we don't even realize what constitutes assault. We don't realize how this act will have ripple effects in our life.

And so then when we do have difficulties, forming relationships, breaking down at particular points, as a society, we don't know how to be like trauma-sensitive or trauma-informed in terms of helping or supporting those people. So even in places like the workplace. And so then what ends up happening is like we think about this individual event. And then sometimes there are thoughts of, oh, it wasn't that bad. It wasn't like you were X, Y, Z. You were only ABC. What are you complaining about?

And so there's all kinds of stuff about the experience of going through this and how it affects you, how it affects your thoughts, how people react to it. There's a very like real life component that exists outside the act. And this is the thing that is the most misunderstood about sexual trauma. Everyone's focused on the traumatic event, traumatic event, traumatic event itself. And if it happened five years ago, like, why are you complaining now? Right? But that's the whole point is that it lingers and manifests in ways that we don't originally realize. And that's what we need to have a greater awareness and understanding of.

Because what I tend to see is that, you know, Adriana did a great job of sort of sharing with her, like, the guilt and shame. And then she kind of like overcomes that, right? And then, like, people are like victim blaming. And so there comes the guilt and shame all over again. Oh, like, you could ruin someone's career. Like, do you want that to happen? Do you want to ruin this person's career? And so when people make statements like that, like, it brings back all the guilt, right?

No, I don't want to ruin anyone's career. Like, that's a bad thing. And I want to be a good person. And so I think that there's just a lot of, you know, misunderstanding, not even misunderstanding. I think there's just a lack of understanding. that we, you know, we hyper-focus on particular things and don't really like acknowledge what the full spectrum of the impact is. And so I really appreciate Adriana, you know, coming forward and sharing this perspective. I hope for those of you all that watched it. First of all,

thank you very much to everyone who is respectful and compassionate. You know, a couple of other things to just toss out there. So I noticed she didn't name any names and we're not really interested in encouraging her to do that. That's not what we're here for. We're not here to be judge, jury, or executioner. It's not our job to judge and say that someone did something right or someone did something wrong. We are not here to determine guilt or innocence. That's not what our job is. And we're not accusing or attacking or trying to create drama or whatever. Like, that's really not why we're here. I imagine that if you're caught up in this stuff and you're aware that this is going on and you're watching this that you may feel bad about it or feel attacked or whatever,

which is like I think it's a completely understandable reaction, right? And also it's like, that's not why we're here. We're not here to try to make anyone look bad. What we're here to try to do is support and educate people. who are going through this. And it's like, it's not our job to pass judgment or to call you a good person or a bad person. That's not really what we're here for. But I think that in what I kind of heard from Adriana, and I don't really know, right? So there's like different perspectives on this as well.

So, and we're not interested in determining truth today. That's not, we're never determiners of truth. Right, we're here to help people understand themselves and help people understand a little bit about how to navigate this absolute mess of a thing that we call life. That's our goal. And there are all kinds of like other things involving sexual assault that we did not even touch on today, which are absolutely what worth exploring. Right. So this is a case of. a woman who was sexually assaulted and is part of a prominent content creator community.

What about people who are not part of prominent content creator communities? What does the fallout aftermath or drama look like for people who are not involved in content creation? That's a completely different ballgame. What does sexual assault look like in the workplace? Completely different ballgame. What does sexual assault look like if you're a man? completely different ballgame. What does it look like when you are falsely accused of sexual assault?

Completely different ballgame. And so there's a lot about these conversations that we, I mean, there's a lot about this topic that we still need to explore, that people still need to understand. And, you know, I think this is hopefully the first conversation, but I don't know, like, this is like what I think is missing on the internet is, like, people just don't, like, there's. there's not a human representation of it. Because what I see time and time and time again, I want to say that honestly upwards of 90%, if not 95, or damn near close to 100%

of people I've worked with who have had, who have been sexually assault, not even worked with, just people that I've met. If I have a conversation with them, almost every single one or everyone that I can think of in this moment did not realize what was happening at some point during the process. they did not even realize that this constitutes sexual assault.

And a couple of the reactions that Adriana shared, I think, are very common, which is that since we sort of view it as this bad thing, everyone assumes that the reaction I should have is bad. But sometimes people will like, I mean, I've heard this a dozen times at least, where people will say, like, I'm confused why my body is reacting this way. I love this person or this person cares about me and this person. and loves me. It's a far too common experience. So it's almost like what our society is missing is like an understanding of what it looks like and what it feels like to go through a situation

like this. And that's really what we're trying to address today. I hope it helps. I mean, I really think it does. And I do think honestly that there were a lot of good clippable moments, but not clippable in the sense of like, oh, lulls. She used. the S word and the W word, but I wanted to use the language that she uses, but I can't say those things. So even I'm playing that game. But I do really think that there's just a lot of, you know, like distilled experience in what Adriana shared today. And I hope it's educational for y'all at the least. And ideally, it'll be helpful. So thank you all very much for being respectful, being compassionate, giving us, even showing up.

Because the fact that y'all are here means that, let's see. You know, there's like 2,500 people who hopefully know a little bit more about what apparently is a far too common experience. So thank you all for coming.