HealthyGamerGG - Talking with Esfand

Episode Date: August 2, 2020

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years ago and then I didn't really play seriously for like 10 years. Like whenever, whenever, like all the other wow streamers got popular and, uh, like whenever, whenever, whenever streaming became a thing, I had already quit wow. I played League of Legends for a while then. Cool. But, um, but, uh, I was like a big, uh, Burning Crusade and Classic Wow. I quit in wrath. So, um, yeah, same. I mean, I was never that big into Wow, but, you know, I played a little bit vanilla really got into it around Burning Crusade and then sort of bowed out with Wrath and Lich King. Yeah, it just changed a whole bunch of stuff.

So, yeah. And what do you go by? Because Twitch chat wants me to call you Asfund. Nothing. It's Charles. Yeah, I just go by S-Fand. Yeah. As-Fund is like an old, like not even old.

It's just like a few months ago. It's how like, like, Jenny says my name like that sometimes. Like, I was just whenever she was, yeah. Who's Ginny? She's a friend of mine. Okay. Yeah, she's another streamer. Okay, cool.

And so I'm Alloker, Dr. Kay. Nice to meet you, S. Fand. Yeah, nice to meet you officially, yeah. Yeah, so tell me what are we talking about today? Um, well, I think whenever, whenever, um, I feel like I have like a lot of stuff. Cool. Kind of going on in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, head like all the time.

Oh, that sounds less cool. Well, it's like one of those things that's kind of like, it's one of those things that's kind of added up over time. Okay. Like stuff like in, in game, like communities, stream, real life stuff. Okay. Is community and stream one thing? or two things?

Two things. Okay. Community stream, game, real life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I meant like, I meant like in-game, in-game community, I guess. Okay. Or like, or even like the wow community, right? There's some stuff there.

But, but yeah, I'm trying to think even where to start, because I have a hard time, I guess, I have a hard time kind of like pinpointing, like when there's something that's an issue. or like something's wronger I feel a certain way. I have a hard time kind of like okay let's trace back

like why do I feel this way and I've been spending a lot of time like thinking about it because I haven't streamed in almost two weeks now just kind of taking a break because like there's just been a lot of stuff like piling up

and I've had like I have ADHD okay yeah so I've ADHD and it's just kind of been like I feel like it's getting worse like I'm like super forgetful I'll be doing something I have like 100 things going on.

I'm like in a constant state of sensory overload. And I just like I just need to like, I need to not stream and just kind of get everything like reset. Okay. So we can talk about sensory overload and ADHD getting worse. Maybe a little bit towards the end because I think that's an important thing to think about what makes ADHD better or worse and how can we think about ADHD. So we can certainly talk about that. Yeah. So what?

I guess just in general, like, okay, let's talk about it like this. So I have, and this has kind of been something that's been adding up over the course of honestly last year. Okay. Classic Wow came out like a year ago. I guess it makes sense if you know a little bit more about me and like my history. So I was, I started streaming on YouTube like three years ago, a little over three years ago. and I was a vanilla wow private server streamer.

I ended up getting a DMCA because my stream grew to be, like I was the biggest private server streamer. Ended up getting banned because I got a DMCA for three months on YouTube. Whenever I got banned, I moved to Twitch and classic wow got announced. And then one of her classic wow got announced a bunch of these other wild streamers kind of were looking around. They knew who I was. I ended up making friends with like,

Asman, Soda, a lot of these other guys. And they, they like brought me into kind of like the Twitch community train, like all these guys. And then I kind of did a lot of variety streams and IRL and that kind of stuff, not playing wow that much leading up to classic because it was just like the wow classic waiting room. Like that's like what we did. Yeah. So that was that was kind of like the whole thing like every every single title of a stream was like, oh, it's the it's the wow classic waiting room. That's what it is when it requires that comes out like. like we'll have a game to play it'll be great um and i had like you know realistically like

i mean i had like significant uh growth i guess for my stream in that time and it was really fun like we're doing all kinds of stuff um miskiff started a little bit is miss is chattraming a few months after i did but like miz and i were like together and like we were always like doing stuff together we were doing i rl variety um miz and i got banned for a week for something dumb and uh after that a week after we got banned classic wow beta came out and then i kind of went in this direction miz went in that direction which was kind of the same direction that we were going on which was more like variety and iRL and that kind of stuff um so things were going great for everybody it was awesome. But like as the beta went on and like once the game actually got here, like I felt like

I had invested into a community of people that like hate me. Like as far as everything, everything that streamers do, not even just me personally. Like it's literally everything that streamers do. There was people that were mad that streamers were in the beta and they're like, oh, why did the streamers get beta testing and and how come how come you know i've been playing the game for 15 years and it's like okay obviously like they're going to give out random random beta invites yes but then they're also going to give out beta invites to streamers to showcase their game like this is like business like how can anybody not understand this right yep um but it's like you you have like a bunch of like this is classic wow you got a bunch of angry boomers who who are mad at them kids are taking my loot

like it's just it's super weird but like it is like it is what it is right they these are people that are that are frustrated or angry that like for whatever reason right um but but these guys they they like it in it felt like it just got like progressively worse and worse like over the course of last year well it got a little bit better uh it's gotten bad again recently like in the last few days even but um it got a little bit better like as the game kind of hit like a lull and like content like a little bit of a content route that we had like it's always like that like right before a new patch comes out, everything kind of dies down a little bit, and then people just like kind of stop caring enough to make any drama about anything.

But it's just constantly like, like I, what I did was I stopped streaming private servers and I was like, I'm going to follow the rules, I'm going to do things right. Eventually, like, I got a chance to like work with Blizzard on a lot of stuff and like have like direct feedback with them. I even stopped making videos about the stuff because I'm like, why would I waste my time making a video just to form like likes on. YouTube and views and all this kind of stuff and grow my channel whenever I could like directly talk to somebody at Blizzard and like explain like why this is this is

something that people like in classic wow and this is why something should be done a certain way right like it to me it was like this a waste of time to make a YouTube video other than just to like form like a good favor with the community right um yeah so it's just like a lot of stuff like when obviously it's like better for me if like I'm working on my YouTube channel and a lot of stuff um but it just got turned into a thing where like literally any single thing that i do in classic it was just like people were hating on me it got to the point where like there was there was people like harassing me making hate videos things that i didn't even say like there was one video that like i said something

and then the guy literally like zoomed down on my face while i was saying it and then wrote in text above my head what he said i was saying which was not what i said what i was not what i actually said and just like make like a hate video about me it was just like it was so weird right and like i don't know it was just something that like it just constantly feels like people are hitting on for whatever reason it is right whether it's because i'm a streamer because i i don't play like the most optimal class in the game it's just because i've always played this like this is fun for me like i know it's not the best thing what class do you play i play retribution paladin like i'm i'm mostly a pvp guy and like i know it doesn't do as much like i don't want to i don't want to

like have this turn to this whole like wow theory crafting session but like it doesn't do as much PVE damage. But like these are the same people who say like, oh, like, classic wow, it's easy and like this and that. And it's like, yeah, okay, yeah. But then like, why do you turn around and make a big deal about like what class somebody plays? You know? Because it's like, I'm still doing all the content. I've done all the content. I've, I've done everything in wow classic except for like guild leading, raid leading everything. Like I've, I've done everything except for I haven't raid lead knacks and I haven't gotten Grand Marshal

and I haven't gotten Scarab Lord and there's like a few like little things but like I've done everything else right what is Scarablord it's like the opening of the gates of AQ it's getting all the carapace fragments and basically like there's a big war effort that happens

like right whenever on garage patch drops which is where we're at right now the new raid patch drops you have to do a big war effort the alliance and the horde have to work together to get all the um the lines in the horde have to work together in order to basically open up the gates you have to get a bunch of materials together so it's like this whole thing where like at the beginning of classic it's all like alliance versus horde and then it gets to a point where it's like okay we actually have to work together to open up the gates to like fight the old god right, which is Kthun.

So, Hmm. Cool. Yeah. So it seems like you get a lot of hate. Yeah. I mean, that's,

that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, just, like, I, like,

I, like, I don't want to, I almost don't want to focus on it too much, even though, like, it is something that really bothers me, and it adds up over time. Um,

what do you want to focus on? Um, well, I think more than anything, it's like, um, I think I, I,

I, I, I, I, turns into this thing where I have, I put a lot of responsibility on my plate. Okay. With like I lead a big guild and we have like a bunch of different raid teams and I'm trying to work on my stream stuff. And like there's so much like a parent like things are going things are really going well, right?

Like as far as things I want to accomplish in the game, like I'm going to hit Grand Marshal. I've never hit Grand Marshal before. I'm going to hit Grand Marshal on Tuesday. Right. So that's that's something that. that's something that I'm really happy about is hitting grand marshal uh I'm going for scaremlord right now so that's again that's something else that's I'm excited about okay um and that's good like these are things that like I I really really want to accomplish in game

it's important to me but at the same time I feel like uh despite the fact that I'm excited about this stuff and and I and I felt this over the last few weeks is like I felt like I wasn't happy And I was trying to figure out like, why am I not happy? And this is really what led to me taking a break from my stream is I feel like I like, one, I, part of me feels like I can't play wow. Like I can't really play wow on stream. I have to stream while. And that's something that I kind of have to, I guess, just come to terms with like streaming while is different than just playing the game. And I felt like especially over the last few weeks,

I was like I was like grinding the game nonstop because I had to for going for grand Marshall right and I just was like the end of the grind like it's it's kind of the same thing at this point I'll take a break I'll work on the beginning parts of scare of Lord I mean like I mean I'm here right now right like I'm killing bugs so this is just like if you guys can see it but um like I I spent like I was up 21 hours slept three hours two days in a row to hit like uh to hit like uh a super high like amount of honor so I could hit my bracket one cap so I can come out here and join my guild and they worked on somebody else's mount before I got out here and like my guild my guild's

ridiculous like these guys are freaking like as as far as like anybody I've played with before like they've they've done it way faster than I've anybody I've like personally played with and done this with so yeah like so now it's like am I just like addicted to this game like probably But it's like these are things that like I'm happy about accomplishing or like I, you know, I think I would be happy about accomplishing. And I am right. Like I feel like really good about it. And especially over the course of the last few days, like it's kind of like, um, it's kind

of re invigorated me a little bit like just just not streaming and getting to play wow and hang out with my guild and discord and, uh, like just chatting having a good time. And like there's still like a lot of stuff going on like I'm hopping around like, talking to different people and doing different things. But I guess going back to that point of, sorry, sorry, go ahead. Well, I'm going to just try to tie things together. That's okay. So the first thing is that it sounds like you have a couple of boxes left to check

when it comes to classic wow. And you've been working very hard to check those boxes. In the process of checking those boxes, you can do one of two things. You can play wow or you can stream wow. And sometimes it sounds like playing wow is more fun than streaming wow. Right. As a streamer, it sounds like one of the things that gets in the way of you enjoying wow is that there's a lot of anger, jealousy, toxicity from what I would guess to be a minority

of your community, but a very vocal minority. And that sort of negatively impacts you. But what I'm really hearing you. say is why aren't you happy? That's the question that I'm hearing. And the weird thing is that you're saying that I don't want to focus on the negativity, which almost assumes that the happiness isn't necessarily. So one could assume that, okay, you have reasons to be happy and then you've got toxicity and that's why you're not happy. But what I'm hearing you actually say is subtly, and maybe you're not really saying this, but like if I read between the lines, it's sort of like,

I don't want to focus on the toxicity, and I want to maybe understand why, despite my accomplishments, I don't feel happy. How is that for summary? Yeah, I think so. And I mean, it's kind of weird. And maybe the reason I don't want to focus on the toxicity is like I, like, you kind of try to ignore it. But like at a certain point, it does like add up and affect you, you know? Sure. Right.

So we're hearing that, right? So I'm hearing you say repeatedly that this has been piling up for a while and that even you took a break and you don't want to deal with it. Yeah. That's, yeah, that's kind of it. I mean, like, even now, like, last night, we, we, like, I was up until, last night was like the, like, honestly, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, probably the longest amount of time I've slept in a long time. Because, like, I had problems with, like, I was sleeping, like, five hours a night and all this stuff. and because like I was trying to stream and play and this and that and get all my stuff done. As far.

Why? I actually have trouble sleeping. Like I hadn't, but I think there was just so many things going through my head all the time. That would be hard for me to just like shut down. And what was going through your head? Just stuff with streams, stuff with guild, stuff with. I mean, just trying to do like a hundred things at a time, I guess. Okay.

So when I hear something, like, yeah, go ahead. Well, I hear something. I'm sorry. Third times a charm. You go for it. Okay. Frick, I forgot. Okay.

That's, I'm sure it'll come back around. This is, for those of you who are familiar in Ayurveda, this is what happens when two Vathas talk. Um, so as Fenn, you know, what motivates you to play 21 hours or be awake for 21 hours and work on this stuff and sleep for three? I mean, that sounds quite drastic to me. So specifically what happened was I, I feel like I have this like personal, like, I have like an obligation to my guild to be out there farming with them. them in silithus or in the place where I have to kill these bugs to open the gates. But this is also my last week of getting that bracket one honor cap to where I can hit

Grand Marshal on Tuesday. And we didn't know when this was coming out. We knew the new patch was coming out like three weeks ago. So it was hard to kind of like plan out or whatever. So it was just like, okay, well, I have to get out there and play with everybody else. because if I don't get out there, I don't want people to feel bad or like, why is S fan not here or whatever? So I would be like in Discord with them while I was going and PEPing with a pre-made group.

And I stayed up and I played with like my American team. And then everybody went to bed and then I would go play with Chinese team. And then just to get as much honor as possible. Like we have like an add on that tracks everybody's like how much honor they have for the week. And it was like I was at like 550,000 points, which is a lot in two days. So I was like at 550, the next guy was at 500 and then the next guy was at 460 and then the next guy was at 420. Like it was just like it was that big of a difference between like where I was at and where everybody else was at. And we have a whole week to get it.

But like I felt like I had to push so heavily up front so that I can go out and I can play with everybody else because I don't want to have like any sort of like disgruntlement or any any sort of like resentment or anything towards. Oh, why is this been not here or whatever? And then, I mean, there's people, like, my guild doesn't even care. There's people in other guilds who are, like, trash talking, my guild, oh, your guild leader's not even here and you guys are out, your farming, form, and stuff. And it's funny, we laugh about it. But, like, I know, like I said before, like, I know that over time those kinds of things add up. Why are you so hard on yourself?

I don't know. I mean, just how I am, I guess. Like, I just don't want anybody to feel like I'm, like, not doing something, like, I'm not doing right by them. You know what I mean? Yeah, but it sounds like that's not actually a concern of theirs. Right. Not now.

Or maybe not that I know. But my, I guess my worry is that they will feel that way eventually. And that's why I want to make sure that I'm doing the things that I need to do. Okay. To not have them really way. Yeah. So what is the right way to deal with a worry? I don't know.

Right. So let's say that, okay, can I think for a second? Mm-hmm. Sounds like you try really hard not to let them down. Yeah. They sound very important to you. Yeah. I feel like, go ahead.

Nope, you go. I was going to say, I feel like if people are going to trust me and believe in what I'm doing and what I want to accomplish. as a guild or any sort of organization. Like I played like, you know, I played football growing up. I played football in college. I worked in, I worked at SMU for two years before I started streaming.

I was on the recruiting staff and video staffs and doing all that kind of stuff. Damn. Yeah. Well, I like, I was like totally out of wow for a long time. And then that's a whole other thing. I mean, we can talk about that later, I guess. But, um, I feel like if people are, are going to invest in what I'm, about, I need to turn around and invest back in them.

Yeah. So we hear that theme, right? So you kind of talked, you talked earlier about you invested in a community that now you feel like you have to live up to. They kind of hung out in the Wow Classic waiting room. And so you owe them something in return because they were there with you before Wow Classic even came out. And there's a trust there. there's an expectation there's a reciprocation. And really like, I'm sorry.

Go ahead. I was just going to say, and really like being realistic, like these are not all people that like watched my stream or anything like that too. It's just like a community of people that like, I feel like I was like pushing for something like pushing towards something. Right. I was like, you know, we want classic wow. Like we want it done.

the right way and all this stuff and then it hasn't turned out perfect it's it's it's it's in a pretty good state right now but there's still like a list of problems that the game has that like i would hope they would fix but that's i mean still like it's it's not like um it's it's not really even all the people that are like a part of like my stream community are you good enough i think so so this was a little bit unusual because you've been talking a lot i think this is the first time that you really stopped and you thought can you share with us what you were thinking i feel like and this is something i talked to this is something that that actually this is something that soda told me like three years ago uh he said that whenever i was on private servers and whenever i was

you know kind of just starting out and in the grand scheme of thing it's like I was like a small streamer right and it was like oh like s fans you know he's our guy and you know he's you know classic wow is coming out and people are super excited for me it's like oh his streams gonna grow and all this stuff and it's great right and for me like I wasn't even like ever planning on being a full-time streamer when I started streaming it was I was just making videos looking for another job in college football because I was just like trying to like stay on top of my video editing and the only reason I started streaming was because my computer didn't have any hard drive space and I wanted to upload my raids to YouTube.

So I streamed on YouTube because it didn't save any, it didn't use any hard drive. Like I wasn't ever planning on becoming a streamer. And then everything just kind of like, everything just got snowballed and it got really good. But this is something that Chance told me and he's like, because this is something that he went through too. He said basically like whenever you're strutting out and like,

people start watching your channel and stuff for a reason. And, you know, there's some initial interest there. And it's usually. Wow, that's because you're a good player. Like I was like playing a rep paladin, which is considered not a very good class, but I was doing like really good things as a rat paladin. And then, uh, what happens is like as your stream grows, just naturally, like, people are just going to just start like saying you're bad or like,

just things that aren't even true are going to happen or like people are going to, you're streaming it. So they take something out of context, they clip something out of context and they turn it into something else and they're just going to like start dumping on you all the time because they're jealous or whatever. And this is a guy who like, he said the same thing happened to him and he's like multi rank one gladiator. Like he's like he has a bunch of skins on the wall too, right? For like things that that he's done that are like really good accomplishments in wow.

And what did he tell you? He just said like it's going to happen. Okay. So yeah. So yeah. So yeah. That's something that I'm seeing happen now like three years later. I've been like experiencing over the last year.

Esfin, are you happy? I'm at this weird, I think I'm in this weird place where I'm, I'm happy about the things we're doing in a while. Like the- Sounds like it. You sound like you feel proud of your accomplishments and the direction that you're moving. Yeah. And I'm proud of my guilt. Like my guild has done a great job, right?

Okay. Like, it's so good. because all these guys talk trash about crusade, and then, like, we're, like, shutting people down. Like, like, we're doing the war effort, and, like, we're just, like, it's good. Like, because, like, and people are mad at us and, like, they're just, like, talking trash to us because they're, like, they're mad. They can't, anyway.

So what's, what's getting in the way of you basking in the positivity from your guild and your efforts and your accomplishments? I think, I think there is, there's, and this is, kind of what um i think this is something that i want to uh circle around to more and and as i've been thinking over the course the last few days um i think where the unhappiness comes from is i spent two years before classic came out uh not playing classic wow i was doing iRL content i was doing variety streams i was doing so my friends like me asman and train would do cooking

streams together. Me, E. Rob and Ms. would do IRL. Like, it was, it was, we were doing all kinds of different stuff, right? And, uh, one of our classic wow came out. I kind of got stuck on this path of like, I really want to play this game. And there's, there's things that I want to accomplish in this game. And I'm, I'm planning on playing Burning Crusade when Burning Crusade comes out, all this stuff, right?

Um, but I think the, the feeling of like, I guess I'm not like creatively fulfilled because as much as I'm enjoying streaming battle rounds, they're playing battle rounds and getting my rank 14 grind and hitting Grand Marshal. Like whenever I sit there and I stream it, like I feel like I'm not being, uh, I don't feel like I'm being myself. Like it's weird. Like I don't like being myself is being goofy, being entertaining. And to some degree, like, I still am, right?

But, like, I just don't feel like I'm, I don't feel like I'm streaming the type of stuff I want to stream, even though I'm playing the type of thing that I want to play. And it doesn't feel good when I'm doing this. I'm doing this. I want to play the game. And I really want to accomplish this goal. And then there's people that come to chat and they're mad. And they're just, like, just being, like, weird.

Like, I don't know. Are you living the kind of life that you want to live? Question. I think so. Um, maybe, I mean, some things, some things I want different, right? Like, I wish I wasn't so forgetful and, and my freaking brain wasn't all over the place all the time. Like, I, uh, like I said, I have ADHD and I've been prescribed with, with medication for it, but my, my, do you feel like you have to play wow? Yes. Do you want to play wow? Yes. Is there a part of you that doesn't want to play wow? I think there's a part of me that doesn't want to stream wow sometimes. Like, but there's, like, I want to play it, but I don't want to stream it all the time. Because I think part of the thing with Classic 2 is if I, if I'm streaming wow, I want it to be this thing of,

and I felt this over the course of the last few weeks, I would go and I would stream something else. and oh like pod like s fans playing gta s fans you know playing this he's doing that cool right um but i i get this feeling of when i'm streaming wow people like oh great s fans playing wow again and i i don't like that i don't ever i don't want that in anything i want it to be a situation where if i'm streaming something then i want people to be excited about it but like i have to do to like showcase what I want to showcase the right way. And that's where I think the creative fulfillment comes in, where I feel like I'm not doing that.

And then it makes me feel bad about it. Despite the fact that like there's, you know, like, regardless of like viewership or any sort of like metric of. Can I ask you to just stop talking for just a second? Because you just said a lot of really important stuff. And I don't want to lose sight of it. Can I just have a second, please? When I talk to you, what I feel like is like I'm talking

to a guy who's taken out a loan and has to pay it back. Does that resonate with you at all? Reminds me of SMU a little bit. So I'm going to just start talking, okay? Okay. And you let me know, feel free to interrupt you, because I've been interrupting you a fair amount. And so here's, so I get a sense of like just debt from you.

in owing and doing things that you have to do instead of the things that you want to do. I feel a sense of obligation more than anything else. You know, there's so much obligation throughout everything that you're saying. And it's not like necessarily a bad thing. Like it's not like just a burden because some of it I think you think is fair. And some of it I think you think is like what you signed up for. and also like something that you enjoy. But like,

it's hard to describe. So the last thing that I want to say is that what I'm getting from you at the end of the day is a lot of conflict. It's not that you're one way or the other way. It's that like you're both ways at the same time. So let me just give you an example. So it sounds like you enjoy playing wow.

It sounds like you really want to be Grand Marshal and you want to grind. And also that you, like you've sacrificed some of the IRL and creative stuff in order to accomplish that goal that you've set for yourself. Right. Those are the two things that you haven't done yet. So you're like, I'm fucking S-Fand and I got to do those things.

And as you're doing them, you recognize that there's some enjoyment here and that there is a sense of accomplishment, but you're leaving something behind. Right. And now we get to, I'm going to just keep on going, okay? So like I kind of envisioning like S-Embudsman. fan in the wow waiting room and then like people show up for one thing which is wow classic and what they get is something else and something that you find like fulfilling and fun and engaging and creative and not a grind right it's like cooking streams and stuff like that you actually really enjoy that it seems like the community really built up around that but there was this promise that was hanging in the

air which is that when it come when wow comes out the waiting room is over it's time to board the plane And once we board the plane and it takes off, we're on that fucking flight. You don't go back to the terminal and clown around. And what I'm sensing from you is a sense of, okay, I wanted to get on this plane. I boarded this plane. There are parts of it that are good. But I kind of miss the waiting room. Right.

And that's, I said this the other day. I was like, I spent the whole time like, you know, or we want classic wow. We want classic wow. We want classic wow. and then what I've what I've kind of realized more recently is it's not classic wow that I wanted it's it's it's it's really it's classic S fan right and some of that is some of that does include wow but it's more like how I used to stream wow on YouTube like whenever I streamed wow on YouTube I streamed wow like two or three days a week so so S fan now we get back to obligation

you want classic S fan but you owe the people something else. You owe yourself something else. And as long as you have that debt hanging over you, you're never going to be happy. Right. And that's kind of like, I'm hitting a point now where I, like, the Grand Marshal grind is, it's essentially over. I mean, like, I hit my honor for the week already.

So I'm just kind of waiting until Tuesday. And then I'll hit Grand Marshal. and then we're working on Scareblord now but I think streaming the Scareblord stuff would be really cool if I decided I wanted to stream it not right now with like the bug grind

but after the bug grind is over they like you have to kill like 42,000 bugs but after that like it's like a really cool like stream like it's a cool question that almost nobody in Wow has seen like there's like probably less than 100 people that have done this question, at least in retail vanilla.

I don't remember the exact number. But that would be something that would be crazy cool to stream. And it would be fun. And I think a lot of people would enjoy that. But I don't know. I don't know if I want to, I haven't decided if I want to stream it or not. Because it's also that people can harass me while I'm doing it too. And that's just like a whole thing.

But yeah. So yeah, no, I think I think you're right. Like it's almost like I kind of just want to get these two things done. done and then move on to a schedule where I can like not think about it and I can I can kind of have like a consistency of okay I'm doing wow I'm streaming wow two or three days a week kind of like I did on private servers except now that I stream full time instead of streamed some days and then work on videos and try and find a job on the other um like if I if I were to do that and then I can I do my raids I do this I do some pv on stream and it's fun like we're whenever whenever I'm streaming

wow, it's fun and engaging for people. And then whenever I'm streaming variety in IRL and whatever, whatever else I want to do. Because I've gotten to the point now where like I don't even start my stream in wow. I start my stream and I start with just chatting, recap, I talk about whatever's going on. And that to me like that kind of brings everyone in in all different parts of the community.

Because there's a ton of people that watch my stream who don't even play wow at this point. And I do that to kind of like, okay, this is this is something that's like the guild meeting, right? It's like a daily guild meeting. We do recap. We do all that stuff. And then I move on to whatever game that I play. And, uh,

some days will be on. I like that. Um, and in some ways, it feels good. Right. I think a lot of streamers have the problem of like, if, if they grow in a section, they have trouble moving to another section. I kind of have this,

like the opposite deal where it's like if it's, um, feels like the game that I grew in is, is like, Oh, great. He's playing, wow, whenever they want me to go do something else, you know, which is weird. Like, it's, I guess really it's a good problem to have. It's just like a, I just don't, I don't want, yeah. So I'm confused because at the beginning of that, you said you're right. But I don't think I ever said any of that. What you just came out of your mouth, do you think that I'm telling you to do that?

Well, I think you were right in terms of, I think, I think you were right in terms of, well, maybe I misunderstood what you were saying. So what were you trying to do? I think the only thing that's going on here is you're confusing me telling you with something that you yourself discovered. That's really the only thing. No, I'm confused. Okay. So I just, it seems to me like you just figured something out. Okay.

But maybe you knew this all along. It's hard for me to tell. But what I'm hearing from, what I'm hearing from you is sort of a clarity of a plan, which is that you're going to finish. Grand Marshal, you're going to finish the scarab grind, you're going to try to stream some of the AQ quest line or something that very few people have seen, and that you're going to find a balance between fulfilling your creative pursuits a couple days a week through IRL and just chatting, or maybe even on a given day, along with streaming wow, two to three days a week, because more than that feels burdensome or like you're paying back a debt or doing something that you've been shackled to.

And doing it a couple of days a week feels fun to me and feels fulfilling. Doing it every day or playing, wow, for 21 hours at a stretch and sleeping for three feels like you sacrifice the creative part of yourself. And what I'm hearing from you is, sure, there's like a backdrop of toxicity which has its own kind of impact on your mind. but that ultimately like like it's it's interesting because you're choosing not to focus on that which I think leads us to think that you're just unfulfilled and what I'm hearing you you just say is like this is maybe the road to feeling fulfilled. What do you think? Yeah.

Is that a good recap? Yeah. I think so. Like I'm like like you said earlier like I'm trying to check the boxes off like there's like not a whole lot that I haven't done. and it's like, I feel like this is my last time to do it. So I want to do it, right? I want to, okay, Gary Marshall, boom, I did it. Scareboard, boom, I did it.

Okay. So now S-Fand, I have three directions. I mean, if you have questions for me, feel free to jump in or if you want to talk about something else. There are three paths that I think we have left to go. One is, you know, 21 hours of a grind feels very excessive to me. I recognize that some people play wow

and other video games to the point of accomplishing these very difficult things. And I'm curious about your motivations and drivers to do that sort of stuff and what it means to you. That's one. Second thing is I think that I'm detecting within you a part of almost at this point your personality

or some scar around like feeling like you owe people and you don't want to let them down because we see that story we see that thread in a lot of what you say in terms of okay these people showed up and now I have to stream wow

because they were in the wow waiting room for so long in terms of your guild members who when your guild leader gets criticized by other people for not showing up you tell me that your guild is actually very supportive and doesn't mind that he or she doesn't show up. And yet you are afraid of not carrying your own weight and you don't want to let them down.

So you don't want to let people down. And so my sense is that that actually comes from before all of this stuff. That somewhere probably early on, you either were let down by something. And it's like sort of true of everyone, right? you either were let down by someone or you let someone else down and it really affected you in some part deep within you said I'm never going to be this person and it could be like someone in your family who let you down or it could be like you did something and you're like that's never going to happen again and if you ever want to be free because this kind of goes back to the question

that I asked you what do you do with that worry I don't think you're handling it healthily. So if I'm worried that my colleagues are going to think less of me, the solution to that is not to stay up 21 hours to protect myself of that worry from that worry. That's not a healthy way. That's actually giving in to the worry. Right? It's sort of like I'm worried that when I drive my car, I'm going to run out of gas. Therefore, I'm going to fill my trunk with gasoline just in case. And when I fill my trunk with gasoline, it's sort of like, oh, now I don't have to worry anymore because my trunk is full of gasoline.

But that's not the healthiest way to deal with worry because you're not actually dealing with the worry. You're satisfying it. Right? You're not letting go of it. You're not learning how to tolerate it because it does sound unreasonable. It sounds like you're well respected in the guild. And so the other direction we can go is to try to get underneath, like why do you feel? like you can't let other people down.

And why do you put yourself through so much to prevent the possibility of letting someone down? Because that sounds bluntly unhealthy to me. Yeah. That's kind of what's going on. Yeah. So, and then the third thing we can think about is ADHD and Vata and how I think you will excel.

So the people who are ADHD, I can do this quickly. And we can talk more about it if you want. People who are ADHD need to do multiple things to give their best to be the most productive. We have this assumption that the way to be most productive is to do one thing. Right. We think about like people who pound out 80 hours on one thing and that's the road to success. People who are VATA and Vata is like a sort of personality diagnosis from traditional Indian medicine.

like you and myself actually excel with variety. So I'm a clinician. I see patients. I do psychiatry. I stream for some hours a week. I teach for some hours a week. I do consulting for some hours a week. I parent for some hours per week.

And I find that if I do research, and I find that if I was doing any one of those, I have some colleagues who are brilliant researchers who spend 70 hours a week doing research and they accomplish a lot. I do not accomplish anything near what they accomplish in research. So I'm outclassed by streamers who stream full-time. I'm out-classed by researchers who research full-time.

I'm out-classed by clinicians, although that one's arguable, who practice medicine full-time. But I do more research than streamers, and I stream more than researchers. And ultimately, my road to success has not been really, really good at one thing. It's about being a competent person who understands the mind on Twitch. You'll find yogis who understand more meditation than I do. And you'll find psychiatrists who are better psychiatrists than I am. But in the middle of all of those things is where I excel.

And what I'm hearing from you is that you're the same way, which fits with ADHD. Because people like us also get diagnosed with ADHD. Yeah. you know it's interesting that you say that i remember whenever because there was a period about this was probably about four or five months ago before before i did the grand marshal grind and before i mean literally this path dropped like three days ago um the where where i started streaming variety again after uh after class it came out just because we're kind of at a content drought And I remember everybody saying, like, me streaming variety had made my wow streams better.

And I felt that way too. Yep. Right. So you got to understand S-Fand who you are, which is not the guy who. So, I mean, I don't know too much about streaming, actually. But my understanding is that Asman Gold streams a fair amount of wow and not a whole lot of other stuff. Is that fair to say? Yeah.

And actually, I don't know if that's a good, that. comparison. But, but, you know, I think there are some streamers who stream one thing all day every day, and that's what people come to them for. I think what people come to you for is a certain amount of variety. And I think you put forth your best foot when you're not worn down by doing the same thing over and over and over again. Yeah. That there is light or tejas, radiance in your face when you toss in a little bit of variety with a little bit of wow. And that you're like, zombified when you're doing your sixth straight day of eight-hour wow streaming. And that's not what they come to you for.

The problem is that you feel like you owe them, wow. And so you give something that is not even the best of what you have to give because of your perception that you owe it to them. And you're afraid of disappointing them, just like your guildmates. Yeah. Even though just like your guildmates, you have evidence to the contrary. So then we get to like, where did you get the idea that you can't let people down? Have you let someone down before or is someone like really, really let you down? And you're like, fuck that.

I'm never going to be like that. I don't know, actually. I'm trying to think now where did that, I don't know where that comes from. Okay. So we have to be a little bit careful here because that's true of everyone, right? So it's like, it's like, almost like an astro, like I'm an astrologer and I say, has there been a period of your life where you're disappointed by someone? And it's like, duh, obviously. Yeah.

What I, what, you know, like generally speaking, the kind of things that we're looking for like, you know, absent dads is like a pretty common one. Yeah. You know, so like I, I'd say like, what was your upbringing like? And if you feel like talking about that, we can talk about that. Oh, well, I, I feel like my parents are great. Like I like I was very I feel like from that respect like I was very fortunate like my my dad so my dad I think this is where I get my like I'm a grinder like that's like what I would literally beat my head against the wall for for like 21 hours and just do the same thing over and over and over again

to get something done if I feel like I have to do that it's because like my dad my dad works at a gas station and he's worked at a gas station his whole lot he was an engineer He came to America. Like my thing with my parents is my parents came here, you know, 30 some odd years ago to so that the future generations could have a better life than what they had. My parents are from Iran, right? So I was, but I was born in Texas and Dallas. So they came here for us to have a better life. Like for me and my future kids and all that stuff, right?

And my dad, even though he was an engineer, he got laid off a few times. He was like, hey, I'm going to have an opportunity to go, you know, work at a gas station, whatever. And that's what he did for like almost like 30 years now. My dad is, my dad has been working a gas station with an engineering degree because he's like, yeah, that's what we have to do. Right. He ends up getting the store and he, he, he co-owns us and he's part owner of the store. But that's just, that's just what they do. Like it's just my dad grinds, right? Because he has to, And he doesn't really have a whole lot of help. He's like 60.

And he like on and off shifts. Like he works at least like eight hours a day every single day, like for my whole life. I used to go to the store and I would help my dad out and like all kinds of stuff. So, yeah, as far as that goes, like my parents, I feel like my parents have like, I guess sacrifices. Because they would be just fine living in Iran like, you know, good family, all that stuff, like my uncles and stuff, they're like, they're fine, they're doing great, right? But as far as, like, they take the hit and they say, we're going to put a harder life on us to pick up.

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Go to contornex.com slash radio to see if over-the-counter strips are a more affordable option for you. Hmm, I think I'll try Contour Next. And move and go to another country so that our son and his family in the future, all that stuff, can have a better life. So for me, I do feel like, I feel like I have to do a good job for my parents in a lot of ways, and I have to give back to them. Absolutely.

My goal, like one of my life goals is I, I, if I could ever be in a situation where I'm successful enough to be able to just like, hey, mom, dad, here you go. Here's a, here's a credit card. Here's a debit card. Buy whatever you need ever. And I could do that for them. Like, no question, like period, point blank. And a discussion, I would a thousand percent do anything for my parents.

If I, if I was ever in a situation in life where I could do that. because I feel like they they gave up a lot for me and because of that I if I could do anything for them like anything I would do that yeah so I don't know if it was as clear to the people watching as it is to me but there it is right so in your case so this is kind of interesting so this happens to so in your case I mean because what I mean what I talked about like earlier, as I said, there's a sense of owed and not letting people down an obligation. Now, sometimes that comes from someone letting you down. In your case, it comes from something really positive. But the feeling is still the same. You are not going to be the kind of person

who lets people down. You are not going to be the kind of person who will let your dad with an engineering degree do the humiliating work of working in a gas station for 30 years of your life and not hold up your end of the bargain. You will be damned before that ever happens. You will be damned before your teammates say that like S-Fand is not holding up his end of the bargain because we're all out here grinding and you will be damned before you don't do your fair share. It's the sense of obligation. You will be damned if the people that showed up and waited for you to where to stream wow. When wow comes out,

you're going to fucking stream wow, even if you don't want to, because that's what you do when someone makes a sacrifice and invests in you. Is that how it feels? Yeah, in a lot of ways, yeah. So now we get to a tricky thing.

So just as an aside, I mean, some of these terms may not make a whole lot of sense to you. I'm happy to explain them in more detail. But for those of you who are wondering, so sometimes we get a question. So there's a thing called a samskar, which is sort of like a personality trait or a ball of undigested emotion.

And in your sense, in your mind, you have this powerful thing. It's like a character trait that you're not going to let people down. And part of that I think is the reason that you've sacrificed your creative endeavors. Because in order to do that, that's for you. And you're breaking the unspoken promise of what you owe to other people. Does that make sense? So some scars can come from good places too. And this thing, I think what's happened is like deep down, like, you know, your parents have given a lot and you're not going to be the guy who lets other people give without giving.

Every time your raid guild or your guild is out grinding scarabs, every time you go out and you kill a scarab, some part of you feel. like you're giving a credit card. Now this is a stretch. Okay. This is like a real stretch. But some part of you, I imagine, feels the satisfaction that you feel when one day you give your parents that credit card or that debit card. It's telling them, hey, you guys don't need to grind anymore because I've done it for 21 hours. Why do you spend 21 hours staying up so that you can do your PVP thing so that you can do your part for everyone else? And you can tell them, y'all don't need to worry about it anymore i got this does that make sense

is that right it actually is a better way to put it like because i don't know like that's even a stretch based on what i'm putting together but i'm curious like i i see but i see what you're saying is i i see what your point is like because i i i feel like everybody has to work on this because it's not a like it is very much a guild effort. Like it's impossible for any one person and do it alone or anything like that. It's very much a guild effort. And I think just like not like it's like if I'm not there with them, then I just think it's not.

Even then I don't like, I don't know. I just don't want. Yeah. I think I think you're right. I think you're right. Like it's like it's like it's semantics. But yeah, like you're right. So even if it's semantics.

then tell us what is it what are your words give us your words what is it well I guess it's more so about like instead of uh instead of an I got this it's it's more of like a we got this together because I know like realistically like I know that like like I like for a scaremor for example I know that I can't I know that I can't do without the guild like I like I like I think I'd be a fool of the thing that I could do it without them, right? So it's more like, I'm here alongside you guys and we're doing it together. Because it's very much, even though one person has them out, like usually it's a guild leader or something like that, even though one person has them out, it's very much a guild accomplishment

that I think everybody, like, if you're part of a guild that gets one, like you should be very proud of that. So let me ask you something, yes, fan. Is the pride that you feel from that the same color, flavor, and texture, although maybe less so, of the pride you'll feel when you give your parents a credit card. Because y'all are a family. Mm-hmm. What do you think?

Is that a similar feeling? To some degree, yeah. And I see why you say that. So it's not, even though it's not exactly the same, it's kind of like, it's in the same, like, I guess, like, like, like, a. Brave length. Yeah, yeah. So what feels similar about that and what feels different? Like your family is your family, right?

But in terms of like the, like to I guess like categorize the different parts of it, it's like you feel like other people are there, you know, they're like sacrificing for you that you want to sacrifice for them. And that's where it's the same. Yeah. And so as Fand, I, you know, you're. welcome to ask questions, but now I sort of, I want to offer maybe two things that maybe have something to do with you and maybe have something to do with our community. These are not conclusions, there are hypotheses for you to explore. So I think, you know, when I, when I, throughout this entire conversation, there's been a part of me that's like, in the back of

my mind, I've been like, holy shit, that's kind of fucked up. And what I'm talking about is playing for two days for 21 hours straight, followed by three hours, I mean, it's 21 hours of sleep, followed by three, I mean, so 21 hours of playing, followed by three hours of sleep. There's something about that that feels unhealthy to me. Now, you know, I think we were thinking about, okay, why do you do that? And I think this is really important to consider. I think sometimes video games give us a chance to be the people that we want to be in real life. Because this is a place where there are people who are sacrificing and you're sacrificing,

and that's who you fucking are. That's who your parents taught you to be and that's the kind of person you are. You can be proud of that. And this is the problem with the perception of addiction. So someone, if I sit you in front of a psychiatrist and you tell them that, they're going to diagnose you with a fucking video game addiction.

Right, right. And they're not going to be wrong in a sense because you spent, you know, out of a 48-hour period, it sounds like you played video games for 42 of them. 42 hours of work in a 48 hour period is insane you see that in things like medicine and sometimes banking and stuff like that and yet I think that that's like it's a little bit unfair

to just call you an addict because I think you're getting something really really important out of that that's why you do it right you put yourself through hell because of this and from the outside someone is going to look at you and say like this guy's fucking addicted. And then that gets complicated because you're a streamer and you're making money. So how different is it from investment banking after all? Fine.

But at the end of the day, what I want you to recognize S-Fand is that I think that for you and maybe for some other people at home, some of what you do in the game is to scratch the edge that you haven't been able to scratch in real life. And it's not entirely the same. And there's a part of me that says that if you really want to be happy and you really want to be satisfied in that. that way playing 42 hours of wow i don't know how much closer that moves you to giving that credit

card to your parents i'm genuinely saying i don't know but i think it's something you should think long and hard about right you know it's fine to have yeah well i was just going to say like and i think like and this is really something that i'm kind of coming to like i think it i like it i think back to like having having those like checkboxes right like things that i just want to like i did it right i got i got grand marshal i got scareboard and then i can just focus on my stream because like and like streaming wow not just playing while but streaming it properly and like making sure it's a fun entertaining stream and so grinding beetles instead of grinding beetles for for yeah that sounds like a bad stream yeah exactly um and uh

yeah so that's that's basically where i'm at right now from from that respect like there's still little things that like get to me and like set me off though like what do you mean like as far as um i think i like i'm i'm understanding that part that we just talked about and and like and things are kind of becoming a little more clear to me but i've had this like growing over the last year sense of like somebody messages me something like really really stupid or it says something to me just like, I don't know, like, I don't know what they think is going to happen, right?

Um, and I feel like I can't say anything back to them or like I can't defend myself. And then like sometimes like if I do, because it turns into this thing of like, I mean, 10 years ago, we said all kinds of things in online games, right? You can't say,

good old days. Yeah. And like, I'm not like, especially if you're a streamer, like, I feel like if I say, anything, it gets taken out of context or whatever. And like, I can't like, I mean, I would I mean, crap. Like, like, somebody can say whatever they want to me. And if I turn around and say it back to them or like defend myself or whatever, like, like, I play a retribution paladin.

Right. Like, I'm, I'm a retribution paladin in real life. Like, I feel like if somebody does something to me, like, I have to give it back to them. Right. And like, I, that's probably not a hundred percent good way of looking at things. But like, these guys are like, I just jump it. I think it's fucking hilarious that we're talking about is obligation debt owed and giving back to them what they want. You play a fucking retribution paladin. That's like the very essence of it. It's like what better correlation do you need between core personality and like paying like the only class in the game is about giving people what they fucking deserve. Which in terms of these nobs on the internet is is hell and toxicity and in terms of your parents is a credit card. in terms of your guild leaders, it's, in your guild,

it's like grinding, like, how much better can we tie this up? Like, what would we do if you played a, I don't know, like a healing druid or something, like a moonkin?

Like, how does moon kin get it? Like, that doesn't work at all, but... Well, I'd probably show up at conventions in a fur outfit,

so if I played a moonkin, so... Well, in your case, just with your shirt off. Yeah, pretty much. But,

uh, I mean like I even like make the joke all the time I make the joke of a like like a rep ballot of in game rep ballad in game rep ballad in real life so yeah I mean you're like you're right like that's how that's how I treat people like I feel like I treat people how like they deserve to be treated

um it's an obligation what you reap is what you fucking sew yeah so like but but I feel like I have to internalize like if I want to say something to somebody like when it's kind of bad too because somebody's like like it's it's like I don't sometimes I don't sometimes I don't just want to like if somebody like slaps you like it's like okay like it's just

in comparison of like damage right it's like somebody slaps you and I'm like okay well like I'll break this guy's arm right it's like it's like 10 times more like I want to give it back 10 times more for some reason like that's just like how I feel so maybe maybe that's why I feel that way for being nice to people. That you want to give it 10 times more? What do you mean by that? I suspect you're right, even though I don't understand what you mean. Maybe, okay.

I saw a light bulb just go off. Tell us, that's fantastic. So I have this feeling of when, I have this feeling of like, if somebody says something to me and and it sets me off. I'm like, dude, I'm gonna freaking, I'm pulling up this guy's logs in freaking every channel I modded in. I'm gonna freaking find out. I'm gonna get a credit report on this guy, like all kinds of stuff, right?

Like, I, there's like, that's how I feel, right? Whenever somebody has something like bad to me, if somebody does, does me wrong, like, it's like, I'm like a thousand percent, like I'm getting this guy back. But then if somebody is helping me out or doing something good, to me, maybe that's part of the reason why I feel so, like, obligated to, like, go all in on them too. Yep.

So that's kind of what I'm getting. Yep. I think it's the same thing. Agreed. Just like two different. Yeah. Yeah. Positivity or negativity.

Yeah. Right. So whatever you get S-Fand, he multiplies it by 10 and gives it back. Yeah. Now here's the question. It's a good realization. I agree with it. What do we do with that?

I don't know. So I have a suggestion for you. Okay. So I want you to remember that fine, they're owed that. If someone loans you a dollar, you're going to give them 10. And that's what we talk about with your parents. I mean, they made big sacrifices and you want to give them 10 times as much back. Yeah.

Right? You want to give them a credit card one day and say, don't worry about anything. You never have to go work at that gas station again. And I'm behind you. I think it's a noble goal. And that's what retribution, it's not, it's not, it's a retribution paladin, right? Because at the end of the day, you're still a paladin.

Yeah. You're not like, you're not like a death knight. Yeah. There's a big difference between the death knight who heals and a paladin who's a retribution. Palli. Because at the end of the day, it's about justice. If you're like, at your core, it's good. So here's where I think, so as fan, this may be a little bit, we can talk more about this. This is probably worth an entire conversation. But I'll give you just the, the, just a step to think about. So what I want you to remember is that, sure, you want to give them 10 times what they're owed.

But if you give them 10 times what they do to you, you still lose. 10 times as much energy. Whether you're casting heel spells or you're casting damaging spells, you're still depleting your manna bar to do that thing. And that's why I feel burned out. Absolutely.

It's because I'm out of mana. Yep. Because you give 10 times back. It's why you feel tired because 10 times back for your guild is doing 42 hours of grinding in two days. and your oom and what I really want you to think about

I don't think you're going to I think the thing S van you're not going to if you die tomorrow you're going to be unhappy and your work on this earth is not going to be finished your work on this earth is finished when you give your parents that credit card and the way that you give them your credit card

is you stream the way it sounds like you got to stream right and you stream and you create the best content that you can't content that you can you do think about focusing on growing your stream and growing your YouTube, not like being a slave to it, but pay attention to what feels creatively good for you. And also don't lose sight of like, don't be like, you know, pay attention because this is money. And it sounds like you owe your parents and you want to support them,

which I think is a noble goal for you to have. And so then the last thing that I'll leave to you is whenever you feel like unleashing the wrath of God upon the noobs on the internet ask yourself how much closer to giving a credit card to my parents does this bring me and let that be your your guiding principle and sometimes it could make for very good content yeah yeah I see what you're saying

so so what this is is this is a broader principle of something called Vairagia or detachment, which is to step away from your emotions and to like kind of act. But the question is like, everyone asks, how do you step away? And the way that you step away is by like noticing within yourself, okay,

this guy just this fucking level eight rogue who somehow wandered into Strangle Thorn Vail just attacked my level 40 hunter and now is running away. And instead of finishing my beautiful quest chain, which is like a loop through Strangle Thorn Vale of grinding dinosaurs or whatnot, I'm going to chase him halfway across Stranglethorn bail just to teach him a fucking lesson. Right, right. And is it worth your time? Sure, it feels good.

And sometimes it is worth your time, right? And then you're like, that fucker, he responded like, I don't forget, whatever, the Silverthorn or something, where's that undead starting zone? yeah yeah yeah um so the silver pine forest yeah in that area and then you're like okay not only did i knock him out of strangle thorne veil but his his he's in silver pine or whatever now i'm gonna go camp his ass and i'm gonna camp his ass for a week and teach him a fucking lesson teach him don't don't agro me ever again yeah otherwise s fan is going to teach you who you know you know you know you know what's funny is I told

so this is how it works right like right now is we have a and I think some of people my guild feel this way too where it's like we're the big guild and people are always like trying to like oh like crusade this crusade that right but when it comes to like we have like a big sheet for

um we have a big sheet for like the war effort contribution um for like prior to this patch coming out. Crusade, like my guild literally put together 40% of the alliance contribution for opening the gates. And now you have all these other smaller guilds or a lot of them aren't even that much smaller than us, but they're not nearly as organized. And they're like, oh, well, these guys are taking all the tags and they're working with the hoard. And it's like, that's literally like the point of this patch, right? But they're like coming up with reasons to

like channel like their like jealousy or whatever. And it's like, I told my guild this. I was like, like people are obviously tired of this in my guild like these guys are talking trash and stuff okay well these are our tags like we've we've earned the right to take these things like we we put the 40% of the contributions to even open these gates like the gates don't open if without crusade literally the gates don't open this month and if they don't understand it they don't understand it like they just don't but but like we have to go and take like what we've earned like we've earned the right for that so it's like the same thing i said like literally like just take it like these guys are going to talk trash to you and whatever. It's because like these are the same guilds that

didn't spend any time prior to the patch coming out to put anything forward for the rest of the server. So if they're going to act like we're being a certain way, it's like they're dumb and they're jealous. And there's literally no way that anybody with any sense of logic, I'm turning this into something else now, actually, but I've got to start ranting because this guy's like literally spam me and whispers and it triggered in my head too. Yeah, so be careful about that. So notice within yourself, right? So I think that it is similar. And what you advocate to your guild is exactly what you need to do for yourself. Yeah.

Which is to detach from it and recognize that like, you know, like jumping down into the mud and brawling with these people on the internet doesn't seem like unless you want to do it for the sake of farming particular kinds of content, then by all means go for it. But don't let it, you know, for you. So like S-Fand, this is going to be sort of the last thing I'm going to say to you. I mean, you can ask questions and we can talk about, but like, this is the essence of what I'm going to say to you today, okay? In your real life, you're grinding to open the gates. And in your case, the gates open when you give your parents this credit card. And so just like you tell your guild leaders, people can hate on you. That's fine.

It can piss you off. That's fine. You're allowed to feel that way. And your guild members are allowed to feel hurt by the people who hate them. But at the end of the day, like, you've got to focus on open. the gates because it doesn't happen unless the gates open. Mm-hmm. That is Dharma, duty, responsibility.

Mm-hmm. So you keep your focus on that. And then if, you know, you want to take a break every now and then to school some nobs, then go for it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then I think like, and I think once all this stuff is like settled, like all this

in game, like once the check boxes are marked, they can kind of like go back to kind of having that like split up schedule of like, we, we do, I start my stream and like I said, like guild meeting every day, right? Like where it's like, it's just chatting. And like anybody who watches my stream for any type of content, like that part of my stream is for like everybody, right? And then then I move into whatever game I'm gonna play.

Some days it'll be wow, some days it'll be variety. And then that way like I'll get like that hopefully, like I'll get like that creative fulfillment. I hope so too. I really do. So, Svend, I can say from the bottom of my heart, dude, that I'm rooting for you. I think your pursuit is noble and you are righteous. And don't get distracted.

And don't give in to worry. Because worry too causes you to like overheal. Spend mana overhealing because you want to sure, they're sure they're topped off. You know, healing and efficiency in wow is actually about healing as little as possible. Right. Not about playing it safe. and and when you sacrifice a lot of yourself to like make sure that no one is going to dislike you you know you make your contributions and those are seen and you have to be able to tolerate

the worry that they may say they may think less of you because otherwise you're just overhealing and wasting a bunch of energy okay yeah it's a pop a manna potion then but yeah your fridge is open yeah so okay um yeah and that's that's kind of yeah yeah I think that's kind of what I got to do

and kind of get back to more of like I said like it's not about classic wow it's about like classic S fan and just even even whatever I'm streaming more streaming wow like how it was streaming wow on YouTube and like I did my wow streams two, three days a week. And, you know, I did the show and it was fun. It was, you know, I, because I played more of a character even on YouTube where it was like,

it was almost like, S-Fand on YouTube was a lot more like, the best description, like to compare it to, like how I acted on YouTube. If you've seen any of my old YouTube video and stuff, like I was, I was guest on from Beauty and the Beast. Kind of like the arrogant idiot, like number one rep paladin, paladin, like number, like, number like rat palin's best class in the game but on private servers people got it people like they understood like the satire and they thought it was funny but for some reason something happened in classic wow that that that people they take it way too seriously yeah man and like it's weird

and it made me like not do that as much anymore but i i i just want to do that like i just i think it's funny yeah dude i think you should i mean i think you should call them i get the sense that Classic Wow is filled with like fedora wearing baristas who are like really, really purists about the quality of their coffee. Yeah, yeah. Oh, and it's weird. I haven't, I mean, I haven't played with Classic Wow, but that's what it sounds like. And they just, they just get their, you know, undies in a bunch very, very easily.

And it wasn't like this in private service. That's the weirdest part. So these aren't people that were already playing Classic Wow for years. Like, these are people that are like specific to this new. community that came up whenever a classic wild came out because i didn't i didn't experience this on private service on private series like people like me like they like i just like troll around and just people were goofy right but something i think i i don't know it's like people who like played at retail but they weren't good enough at retail so they had to attach themselves to something

else so they attached themselves to classic and then it's just that's like a whole yeah yeah but i don't know i want to i want to bring that back a little bit more and and have more fun with it and bring it back man Yeah, and people are going to hate me before it, and they're not going to get that I'm joking and it's satire or whatever, but like, I don't know. Maybe I'll at least feel better about that kind of that creative fulfillment. You know what you need to do is just publish, like, edited DPS meters that show that, that rep Pally out DPS is whatever.

You know what I did? I changed the class colors on my DPS meters to make warriors the same colors as Palin. I'm in pink. And there's a hate comment on one of my YouTube videos. It's like, This is disgusting. Look at what S-fan, the propaganda that he spreads throughout the Wow community where he puts Warriors as pink so they think that their Paladin player is like, dude,

I don't even think I deleted it or anything. I think it's on one of my YouTube videos. I don't know what's video. That's the best advertisement for your channel I can possibly think of. It's like, I don't know what video it was on. I wish I could pull it up because it is so like, I saw it and I was like, this is it. This is the epitomey right here. Somebody who doesn't understand the joke.

Man, I wish I had it. If I had it, I was just thrilled that you, I mean, I was just joking, but I think it's amazing that you actually did something like that. Yeah, like, that's just like, I don't know. I don't do that as much, like stuff like that as much as much as I used to. And like, it sounds like you spend your wow streams grinding Beatles, which sounds like, yeah. Well, I'm grinding orcs until now. And now I'm doing Beatles. So it's orcs and then Beatles.

So now, now, yeah. I want to, like I said, I want to get back to doing the kind of stuff that I was doing before and being more, like, getting that sense of creative fulfillment back instead of just, like, streaming whenever I'm grinding, grinding the game. Because there's parts of the game that are grind, but they don't have to be. It's just that the things that I want to accomplish are. So it's like kind of, kind of meeting this midpoint of like creative fulfillment, plus in-game accomplishment, like personal fulfillment.

Yeah. And I got to hit the apex of that somewhere. And some of this is going to come from not even just streaming wow. it's going to come from streaming variety, streaming, just chatting, streaming, IRL, doing stuff with my friends, like the friends that I've made over the years that, like, we did better streams. Like, like, yeah, all, I think all of us.

I think all my, my entire friend group, all of our streams have grown ridiculously in the last two years, one or two years. Cool. But I think one to two years ago, we had streams that were better than the streams that we do now. But, but it's just like, it's just how, how, like, Twitch works and your channel grows and all that stuff.

but like I think not just me but I think we all should try and get back to doing the kind of stuff that we did before like whether whether it was kind of the cooking streams that we used to do with train and Asman and the IRL stuff and I think part of it's the corona stuff going on like doesn't really help the situation but like I think like once that stuff kind of gets settled like I really want to like take uh I want to try and get everybody like kind of rally the troops and get people back together to do stuff again sounds like that's actually one of your strong suits. Yeah, I really want to do that because I think, I think we're all kind of like leaving it on the table for like stuff that we can do. Cool. So I think that's something for sure. Any interest in meditating? I've never really, I've never tried that. You interested in trying? You're allowed to say no.

I don't want you to feel pressured. Yeah, okay. We can try. Okay. I don't really, I mean, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, really, like, know how to meditate. Yeah, that's why I'm going to teach you. Okay. That makes sense. Yeah. I'm just trying to think a little bit about what I'm going to teach you. Okay. Okay. We're going to try something weird, okay? Okay. So generally speaking, when people are

pretty Vata or have ADHD, I think that a lot of the standard techniques of meditation don't work very well because your mind is going to be quite restless and you're going to be thinking about a lot of stuff. Right. So what I want to teach you is maybe something that grounds you in your body. The best meditation techniques for VATAS you can't do on stream. So my favorite meditation technique for people with a mind like yours is to tell them to go sit in like a cafeteria, which you shouldn't do now because of COVID. But go to a place that's loud and noisy and try to listen to as many different sounds as you can as rapidly as you can. As many different sounds as rapidly as it can. As many of the Yeah, and shift from sound to sound to sound to sound without listening to it.

So if you hear words, you just hear the words and then you hear footsteps and then you hear something clank. Cell phone rings. Kid is watching YouTube. Someone walks by sneezing, coughing, silverware, drink, slurping like that. You just bounce your mind around as fast as you can. Okay. So those kinds of techniques are actually quite effective, but if you've got the opportunity to do something like that, go to a loud place and just try to listen to as many sounds as you can as rapidly as you can. Like you single out the sounds and you focus on them as opposed to like all these sounds going on as opposed to you have all the sounds going off at the same time and it just sounds like

one sound. It's like dissecting it. Exactly. And you're moving from one sound to the other. So the way that we're going to, so here's the thing to understand about your mind, Svan. So your mind is very, very active and you think about a lot of different things. So how do we get a very, very active child to sit still? I have a four-year-old. How do I get her to sit still? Put her in a car seat. I don't know.

Yeah, you can do that, right? So we can stick you in a sensory deprivation chamber. It's actually a good answer. But, you know, those also can be tricky. But generally speaking, you know, the way to get a kid to sit still is by having him run around. Oh, yeah, you hire him out. Yeah. Absolutely.

So this is what we have to do. your mind. If we want your mind to be still, we have to tire it out. Okay. And engaging with a thought breeds more thoughts. If you get that lost down a chain of thinking, then it can feel overwhelming. And then you're like thinking and thinking. So all we want to do is we like this thought, let it go, this thought, let it go. This thought, let it go. This thought, let it go. So you can do that with sound. So what I'm going to teach you is something actually very different from that. But what I want you to do, I'm going to teach you something in your body that I want you to pay attention to certain physical sensations. Okay. So we're going to start, we'll try two things, and then you let me know

which one works. So I want you to sit up straight. Okay. I may have to start by, okay, so it looks nice and straight. Okay. So what I want you to do is I want you to put your hands together like this. Now make your elbows parallel to the ground. Yeah. Frick. Yep, good. That's good.

So when you say Frick, we're doing the right thing. So now what I want you to do is pay attention to the sensation in your hands. What do you feel? There's pressure on my fingertips. Okay. Where else do you feel pressure? On my wrists. Okay.

So I want you to know. Notice each fingertip, one at a time. So focus on your pinkies. Okay. Index fingers. Okay. Find all of this different points on your hands in which you feel pressure. And move from one to the next as rapidly as possible.

Okay. Okay. And now tell me what you're focusing on. Say it out loud. Okay. Pinkies, ring finger, middle finger, pointer finger. Thumb, the top of my palms. base of my hand, wrist, elbows.

Okay, good. Beautiful. So now what I... We're not done. Oh, sorry. Okay. Now what I want you to do? I want you to pull your fingers apart, pull your hands apart a little bit.

Okay. So they're not touching. From the bottom or from the top? So they're not touching. Look at me. Uh-uh. Now. Okay.

What do you feel? More pressure? on my wrists, more of a stretch on my wrists. Yep. But there's no pressure on my hands. Now, I want you to try to bring them as close together as you can without touching. Okay. More pressure on wrists.

Okay. And now pull your palms out a little bit and feel the heat between your palms. Do you feel that? Yeah. A little bit, yeah. It's weird, right? Mm-hmm. Okay, what are you thinking?

I looked at chat and somebody said fire mage and made me laugh. Absolutely, dude. So this is the fire mage meditation. Okay, so now what I want you to do is start to pull apart your hands. Ignore chat, pull apart your hands, and try to focus on the heat between them. Firemage, right?

And what I want you to do is see how far you can pull your hands apart before you lose the fire. Okay, about this far. Okay, now try to pull it a little, bit further apart. Ignore chat. And try to find the fire. So you may be having thoughts, which is okay. Right? So you're laughing and then return to the sensation between the palms. Now bring them close together again. Compress that fire. Okay. Right? And now you're having thoughts again. So notice those thoughts and now bring your palms back together. We're going to go back

to this. All the way together. Put them together, elbows straight and now feel the pressure again. Okay. Feel that heat. Return to your fingers. And now close your eyes. Just feel that pressure. Try to feel as many points of contact as you can. See, there are the thoughts.

You see how there's a war going on right now between your thoughts and your attention. You're thinking funny thoughts. You're thinking silly thoughts. And then you try to bring your mind back to your palms. And then like joke pops up. Joke pops up. Right.

Yeah. I'm a little. be a farmer. And that's okay. That's why we're doing this, right? So we want those jokes to pop up. It's great because I think somehow you're tapping into your funny and creative side in this moment, which I think should help your stream, which is cool. And now pull them apart a little bit and go back to Fire Mage. Okay. So yep, and feel that heat. Okay. And then joke pops up and focus on that sensation. And your attention is bouncing back and forth. Your mind is pulling you away from the sensation of, you know, the hadukan that you're making between your hands.

But you can return to the sensation or you have a thought. Return to the sensation, have a thought. Put your hands back together and feel the points of contact. There we go. See, now he's like shaking his neck. Now he's getting into it. We're going to show us a real fireball now. Right? And now what I want you to do is take, pull your hands apart. And now I want you to put your right palm inside of your left palm like lay your right palm flat like this uh open your eyes and look at me like this oh and now yep and now put them down in your lap face up so you're making like a circle with your arms okay no looking at twitch at so like you're you're forming a circle and then close your eyes like this close your eyes and just sit

Okay. And feel the relaxation. Let your arms relax. Let your wrists relax. Focus on the very, you know, the sensation of relief. See, there are the thoughts. The thoughts are going to continue coming. Right?

So just see them. Appreciate how funny they are. Appreciate how classic S-fan would have a field day with this. Mm-hmm. And then let yourself return to the sensation of relaxation in your wrists, to the tiny little fire. which is above your right palm. Okay.

To the heat of your left palm on your, on the back of your right hand. Mm-hmm. The points of contact. Mm-hmm. And just be with yourself. If thoughts come, that's okay. Let him go and return to whatever sensation now you choose. I've given you a half dozen.

Mm-hmm. And we're going to just hold this position for about 60 seconds. Okay. I just try the different positions, I guess, and see how it feels. Whatever you want to do, just anything that brings your attention to the present and lets you pull yourself away from your thoughts. I would encourage you now to be still and just focus on the sensations in your body. You can focus on your breath, and now I will initiate you into the final firemage technique. Okay.

Your palms to keep your hands closed, put your palms together in front of you. Okay, rub my eyes. Nope. Eyes close. Put your palms together in front of you. Palm's face. Yeah, very like in the must-day position. And now rub them together and feel the heat. Rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub. Feel that nice warmth and friction and friction.

Cup them over your eyes. Cup your palms over your eyes. Good. Take a deep breath in. As you exhale, go ahead and open your eyes shielded by your palms. And when the breath completes, let your hands come down. And now you're a level one fire mage. Not to level this halt.

What was that like for you, I spent? Did you get a sense of what was the experience like? Um, it was interesting. It was like, uh, I guess like mentally and thinking about all this stuff like, like kind of trying to like separate out like every like, I guess sensation going on, right? Like where it's like, okay, like I can feel like my, my, my, my fingertips like separately like touching together or like, oh, I'm doing this. And like it like,

I feel like a stretch in my elbows, right? From tendonitis and lifting weights and football and stuff. Right. Like so it's like a kind of kind of like how you talked about like doing it in a busy cafeteria with a bunch of different sounds going off. It was the same thing except it's like just your own body. And then like it kind of like my my my brain is like this all the time. Yep. So like, I would keep like, okay, like this is funny. This is this, this is that. But then like I would just like keep trying to reset. So it's like, almost like training my brain to like not, maybe not to not do that, but to whenever it does happen, reel it back. Exactly what it is. That's what meditation is. So if anyone is confused about what

meditation is, S-Fand is just given the essence of the definition of meditation after like two minutes and never having done it before. So people think that meditation is having a still mind, incorrect. Meditation is the practice of pulling your mind where you want it to go. So what I want you to understand is each time you have a funny thought, that is an opportunity for you to do a rep. And the interesting thing is that some people think they're bad at meditation because their mind keeps wandering. On the contrary, you're getting really swole because some people who have a calm mind, would have done five reps in two minutes.

You did 200. And the more reps you do, the better you get at pulling your mind back. And now, S-Fand, this is how this is going to help you. You're going to log onto your computer one day and you're going to see a YouTube comment. And your mind is going to want to run off in a particular direction. And if you do this practice, you're going to be swole and you're going to be like, uh-uh. Like, it's fine. Like the dog got out the door.

come back and then the dog is going to come back because you will have practiced bringing it back over and over and over and over again and you're going to have a thousand different thoughts and you're going to be overwhelmed because your dog wants to run all over the place and you'll have practiced and you're going to say uh-uh heel boy and then the mind is going to come back uh-huh I see what you're saying

good job yeah I see what you're saying So it's okay. Like have those thoughts like they're hilarious. Go for it. And then return. Return, return, return, return, return. Right.

And each time you return literally what you're doing is you're wiring your neurons to form a habit of focusing on the thing that you tell it to focus on. Yeah. When neurons get wired, I want you to think about like a field where there's no trails. And then one day, the first. animal that crosses the field has to push down a lot of grass right

does that make sense like you walk through the grass and then you leave a trail right you with me or did I just lose you? No no no no no I'm listening and then what happens is like it's hard the first time because the grass is pretty tall and then the second person that walks is a little bit easier because the grass has been trampled

a little bit right? Like I'm envisioning tall grass and then the more times that you go down that path that is how neurons form a habit. That is how you literally change your brain to control your attention. You have to do it over and over and over again. Each one of those is a rep until what happens is there's a natural game trail. And then more and more animals go down it without any effort. And then even right now it's effortful to bring your mind back to the task at hand.

If you do this enough, it's going to be automatic that your mind goes to where it's supposed to go. And that shit is OP. When your mind automatically does what you intend it to do, that's when life becomes on easy mode. Right. Because you don't have to fight with your mind anymore. It just does it, automatic. Right. Like a natural game trail.

And then the more you do it. Huh? Instead of constantly trying to like work against itself. Exactly. And then my hope for you is that if you do this practice, you continue doing what you're doing, you're thoughtful and creative. My hope is that sometime soon you will give your parents a credit card. Right. Any last thoughts or questions before we wrap up for the day?

I'm trying to think if there's anything else on my mind. That's relevant to what we're talking about. I think this was really good, and I think this helps a lot to kind of like nail some things down. because like I feel like like I said like I even took a break from streaming and just kind of trying to like figure out exactly like where I'm at. Just kind of just kind of like I don't know. I think it helps. Cool.

And I think I kind of have a plan. Yeah. I'm happy to hear it, dude. Listen man, I wish you all the best of luck. Seriously. And you keep pounding this away and that which made you a football player and, you know, like you have that work ethic in you. You have the capability.

All you need to do is just get your, you know, like you need to get all of your buttons nice and clean and doing what you want to do. Yeah. Okay. That analogy sort of blew up in the. No, no, but I, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it, I got to set my, I got my key binds and. Exactly.

Yeah, that's what we're doing. Set your kid out. Thank you very much. Yeah. No, I think that's good. Okay. Yeah. I think, because I'm going to be honest, I'm excited about things that I want to stream in wow now, especially with this new patch coming out.

Good. But, but it's like, turn around, like, how to bring it back. So I don't know. Could be, yeah. Show us a little bit of that sweet, sweet, sweet classic as fanned. Yeah, for sure. One thing, too, I did. Like, I moved my death.

I was in that room. before. That's why I have all this junk everywhere. It's because I just, like I built, I bought a new desk and because I thought like I need to just like, because I'm moved into this house right whenever classic beta came out. And like I've been in that room for since since closet came out. So I was like, I just need to like leave this place. Good. And move into a different room and just reset.

Yeah, good. So. Because it like happened. All of that happened like at the same time. This is a little bit hypocritical because I'm still moving to. but clean up your room, it'll focus your mind better. Yeah, that's another thing. And, like, it's just, there's boxes and stuff everywhere from, like, I ordered some stuff.

I have them, too, so. Yeah. A little bit hypocritical bit, but I've done a decent job. Anyway, good luck, man. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, thank you. Thank you for you. Take care, man.

Yeah, thank you. You're welcome. See you. Okay. That was...