HealthyGamerGG - Talking with Fuslie | Dr. K Interviews

Episode Date: March 15, 2021

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Fusley. Hello. Hello. It's working. Am I able to be heard? Hello. Yes. It is working wonderfully.

This is very surreal already. Oh, no. What is surreal about it? Wait, what is happening? Should I be aware of something? Oh, no, no. It's because I've seen a lot of your episodes. I've watched them on YouTube.

Oh, no. I told myself not to say that. And so I said that within the first couple. couple seconds. Yeah. So why would you tell yourself not to say that though? Because I don't want you to think that I am expecting anything or or have like a, I don't know, I guess it just, it's like you go into a conversation with somebody and you're like, oh, I already know everything about you. Not that I know everything about you. But like I have seen like maybe, I would say like 20 or 30 full episodes. So it's like, I guess I just don't.

You know, sometimes you can just things are better left on says. You can let the conversation go naturally. Yeah. So is the issue that you didn't want me to think that you had expectations or that you don't have expectations? Probably that I don't want you to think. But you do have expectations. Oh, no. Well, I have like an idea of how it might go because I've seen like, you know, start to finish a lot of them.

But I'm willing for this to go wherever. So I didn't like, you know, normally for something I would like rehearse a bunch of things or like, not like this. This is my first time talking to any kind of therapist or any like I've never talked. So I'm just, yeah, I'm just interested to see where this will go. But I didn't want this to be like, oh, I know everything and I know you're going to say this and then we're going to do this. Oh, no. No, no. Someone has been doing replay analysis and I'm at a disadvantage.

Oh, no. See, that's the one. Okay. erase it all. Okay. Chat, she's figured us out. No, I haven't figured anything out. I don't know anything.

It's okay. So, you know, yeah, I think it's totally fine. So, you know, one of the things that we try to do is, like, we bring things to the surface and we become aware of them. So the fact that you have watched it, I'm really glad you told me. We have talked about it. I'm aware of it. Yeah. Totally fine.

So, but I am curious. Where did you think this would go? I don't know. Like, as in like me telling you or like this whole up. No, no. the whole episode. Was there something you wanted to talk about? No, there's something I want to talk about,

but it's not like I had this a whole, like, okay, I'm going to say this, and you're going to say this, and I'm going to say this, and then you're going to say this, and then you're going to say this, and then we're going to do the meditation thing, and then I'm going to go, yeah, okay. Okay, great. So, yeah, no, I'm happy for it to go wherever. I feel like I'm like entering into a game of Starcraft

where I'm thinking about build orders and counters. Yeah, it's a counter. I know every which way this is going to go, and I have an answer prepared. Prepare for the six pool, if you know what that is. What's a six pool? It's a boomer term. It's like, so back in the Starcraft days, there was a race called Zerd. I guess the Zerg still exist.

And there was a super cheese strat where you basically like don't build in an economy, and you just like rush people with these little things called Zurglings. And it was like people would rage a lot because it's sort of like a low, It's a high risk, high reward kind of strategy. And if you failed your six pool, you basically lost the game. I did that one time. I played StarCraft for like two days. And then my fiance was helping me.

And he's like, oh, I just do this strategy. And he was like doing all this stuff. And then I was like, what are you doing? And then that was what it was. I'm pretty sure he was just cheesing them. So I kind of know what you're saying. Yeah, cool. So let's see if we can do better than kind of for the rest of the conversation.

So Fuzli, yeah, this is a blast. I'm glad you, you know. Yeah. I just wanted to. I would, I'd feel like I was keeping a secret if I didn't tell you that I had watched 20 full episodes. Okay. Probably more. Okay.

Well, that's about 18 more than me. So. 18 more of your own? Yeah, I don't watch them. Of your own. Oh. Yeah. But you live them.

Yes. Yes. That I participate. I find it very awkward to watch my. I don't know if that's something. Yeah, I just can't. I'm the same way. I can't watch myself. I'm not, well, I would never like go stream myself and then come like at the end of it go back and just watch my whole stream. But I do watch funny clips of my own stream sometimes. If I'm like, what did people find funny? And then I'm like, oh, that was funny. That was funny. That was funny. Something that strangely like disturbs me is that my children have gotten used to seeing my face on the YouTube recommended algorithm. like at first they would comment on it. Like they're like, oh, that's daddy. And then now it's just like, you know, they just expect my face to be on YouTube, which is strange.

And do they watch like the, okay. No, they're three and five. Oh, oh. I was like, I know. I've seen them come in and like, I can't imagine them like watching this and like really. relating at all or understanding. The only thing, so the only piece of H.G. content that they really do love to consume is someone made like some kind of like song where they did like, they made like a techno song

out of like me doing teaching a meditation. And the kids absolutely love it. And I can't stand it like when they're listening to it. But they really love it. Oh, they remixed you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

They like remix. Yeah. That's the word. That's the word. Yeah. So they like remix. I have to hear that. Yeah.

Well. Well, yeah, just listen to it without me. Yeah, yeah. At the very end, instead of meditating, we'll play the song and I'll just step out of the room and you can just jam. I'm down. So, yeah, Fuzli, you are a very charismatic person. Oh, really? Yeah.

Thanks. Oh, cool. It's a lot of fun to talk to you. Oh, it's only been five minutes or ten minutes. Oh, I have to say one thing. So I was very nervous to come on. even like last night I was like I have to sleep early because I already know I'm not I'm gonna have trouble sleeping because I'm fine to sleep normally right but then if I have anything

big the next day anytime when you talk to anything any interview any call it's like I have to give myself an two extra two hours to fall asleep yeah or because I know that like I'll close my eyes I'm like just fall asleep just fall asleep just fall asleep just fall asleep and then like my mind starts racing with like things and then I like open my eyes and I'm like wide awake I'm like, so I tried different position. I'm like, just fall asleep. Anyway, so that was me last night. I finally fell asleep at some point.

And then so I woke up and I was like very ready. If anything, what I did is I got ready too early. I was sitting in my chair at 9.20 a.m. ready. And I just. And what time is it now? 10.20. Okay. Oh, sorry, for PST.

Yeah. So, so an hour I was ready. And I just sat here and like my nerves would go, and I felt my heart. going to do-do-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d. And then it hit 10. And then I'm actually very happy that you were like, you know, we started a little later, five minutes later, because it gave my heart time to, like, calm down and then get nervous again and then calm down. And then, so that's just my morning. Anyways, I just wanted to say. And is that what you wanted to talk about? Do you want to talk about maybe

sleep anxiety and no? Well, no, I normally, I don't have sleep anxiety. I think that's one, like, that's just something that I don't make I feel like it's not a big deal like I don't have insomnia I sleep really well um eight nine hours a day if anything um I'd say the thing I want to talk about um is more age pressure okay and um a age pressure and then like under age pressure I think that comes with like job pressure a marriage pressure like there's just it's like because age is a thing um and I'm always think about what I need to be doing, what's my step in life, then that leads to like me having pressure with my job and pressure with my engagement slash marriage. And no, like never, I'm always overthinking. So I'm never sure like what's the right step to take. If there's a right step to take,

why am I doing something that I'm doing? Is it because I want to or because society wants me to or because that's what my parents want me to do or my viewers want me to do? That's like an added layer. It was like being a streamer and being very open on the internet about my thoughts and my personal life. A lot of people have inputs. Do this, do that. Do do, do, do. So now I'm like, oh, okay, I want to do this, but they want this. So then I get confused about what I want to do.

Yeah. Dude, I am so excited about this conversation because I think it's something that for, I don't know why. I guess we just haven't had someone talk about this. But like, I think engagement pressure, absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. Right. It's nuts. Like, it's nuts. You know, and maybe I'll kind of teach a little bit towards the end, but there's actually an interesting psychologist, this guy named Eric Erickson, who basically said that all of our psychiatric problems like depression and anxiety and stuff come from sort of, we have this trajectory in life where like at each stage of life we have a different goal from like a developmental standpoint.

And when we don't succeed at that stage of life, we kind of get. stuck there. So like teenagers are all about individuating and like developing my own identity. So we see people like coloring their hair and getting piercings and going goth and like whatnot. Like they're trying to figure out who they are. And if they don't do that stuff properly, like if they don't do it successfully, then they kind of get stuck. And then you'll sometimes have like, you know, older people who are still trying to figure out who they are. No harm to them. It's just, you know, so we kind of get stuck. And so then, like, you know, as we get into like our 50s and stuff, you start to look back on your life and you start to think like, did I do enough? What did I like do enough in the world and like make my contribution?

Because like now you're kind of past the halfway point. You know, things are starting to wind down. You got that hip pain and you're balding and you're a little bit overweight and like you're like, you know, did I spend my youth in a productive way? And so it's kind of interesting because, you know, I really like to think about things the way that Eric Erickson does. And he sort of says, like, you know, at this age group, this is the problem. At this age group, this is the problem. And then depending on how you kind of mess up there, you can end up with different issues like later on. So I really actually love this topic.

It's something that we haven't really explored if you've watched a lot of our videos. Maybe you'll know that. So I think it's really fantastic. I appreciate so much about your thoughtfulness about what to talk about. So tell me what kind of pressure do you feel? Okay, well, so should I talk about just age pressure in general or like because a job pressure, marriage, I feel like they all go together, but they are all their own thing. Yeah. So, I mean, the one that I feel is the juiciest is the engagement pressure.

Yeah. That's the one that I'm personally the most curious about. Sure. But, you know, we can talk about, I'm just curious about, you know, what pressure do you feel? Like, what leaps to your mind when I say that? Okay. So I think I can start with age and then like your engagement stems very quickly from that. So like I'm 28.

And I guess, you know, our, my whole life I was told like you have to get married by this age. For me, I thought I was going to marry, 25 really. And have kids by actually. Thought I'd be married by 23, have kids by 26. I don't know. My mind was always like in my 20s. I'm going to have a family 30s. I'm going to be like super established.

job, kids, husband, all this, right? But my fiance is literally 33. So it's like, that's not that. So anyways, I guess I was, oh, sorry, this is just me talking with my hands. Oh, this is our age different. This is our age gap. Okay. But so, okay, okay, okay, you keep going.

So he's 33. I'm 28. I guess my whole life, I always thought, right, I would get married 20, early 20s kids. right and then now I'm 28 so I didn't fulfill any of that and I feel this pressure I guess not even it's not even my parents if anything I've talked to my parents about this and they're very understanding that like I think my mom growing up has always been like you you should have you should get married and have kids and all this but recently I've told her a bit about the pressure and just a bit about how streaming has like come in from like left field and kind of taken like the forefront of my life and

I can't just have kids right now. Like it just feels weird to have a kid all of a sudden or so get married first of all and then have kids. Sorry, my thoughts are a bit sporadic. So you'll have to. Sorry, I just try to follow where they're going. So I guess I can start with. I got engaged.

I got me and my boyfriend, sorry, me and my fiance started dating in 2016 when I was 23. And I was already like when I met him. I have a journal entry of me saying like, you know, I met this guy and like, I'm 23. So dating isn't just like, we're not just like casual. Like this could turn into something like if I was 17 and I met the same guy. I'd be like, I met a boy and like we're, you know, boyfriend, girlfriend, who, you know,

wherever this goes, right? But I'm 23. So in my mind, it's like this could turn into like my husband. Like I'm not just dating for fun. I'm dating to like I'm dating at 23. So anyways, that was my first. I literally wrote like on the first week like, what if I marry this guy? Question mark, question mark.

I mean, who knows? Anyway, so fast forward four years. In 2019 or three years, he proposed to me on stream. So we were streaming. And yeah, so that's the thing is like he, he was, he just finished like breaking this world record of like most hours streamed on Twitch in a month in a 30 day period. Right. And on the last day of it, like at the very end, he like pulls out this Chipotle bag and he like pulls out this ring. and then he proposed to me.

And I was like, whoa, like, yeah, let's get married, you know? And this clip, like, went very pop. It was very viral on the internet. And, like, I had my cousins and random people from high school. Like, I saw you on Reddit. Oh, my gosh, you got engaged. My cousin was mad at me because you found out through the internet, all this stuff. So then I was like, okay, wow, like this kind of reached a lot of people.

Anyways, so now, now fast forward. okay so then we're going to get married and that was in 2019 COVID happens right and now it's like all this stuff we don't know when to do the wedding we had a wedding date and then we did it and then we we still have it but we're like we told our wedding planner to cancel it because we are basically just very feel very a lot of pressure because I don't know if I'm getting married like because of the viewers because of my parents because I want to um all this stuff my sometimes I have this urge to run to the courthouse with Edison and get married on the same day. And then some days I want to plan this like big elaborate wedding.

And I don't know. Does this make sense? I'm really going all over the time. So much. The only thing that doesn't make sense is the Chipotle bag. That's the only thing that I'm everything else is crystal clear. Okay. Okay.

The Chipotle bag is just he was trying to like, like, hide the rig. And he's like, I got you a surprise. I was like, Chipotle. But it was a wedding. Got it. I was like, is that some weird product placement or like what what except? Not yet. Chipotle, where weddings happen? You know, it's like they're they're fighting with De Beers like a diamond is forever, but a burrito is for today.

They will cater my wedding. That's a great idea. Not you've given me. Yeah. So you know, sorry. Yeah. Fusley, I'm yeah. So let me let me tell you what I'm hearing and then you tell me if you're making sense. Okay. Yes. So, so like I'm hearing that you kind of had this script in your mind about how life is supposed to go. And oddly enough, you're sort of following the script. But what I'm hearing is that you're actually like genuinely like I don't, you know,

it sounds to be like you're genuinely in love with Edison is his name. Yeah. Okay. So you're in love with like you met him at 23, which is when you're supposed to meet your husband. And it turns out that you kind of probably met your husband there. Yeah. But I'm also hearing that there's a lot of like genuineness. So you were supposed to follow the script, but it turns out that there's actually like a lot of genuineness to this relationship and that you actually do want to get married and now sort of feels like the right time.

So you may have kind of followed the script or were aware of the script, but that you're actually sort of living your own life. And now it's kind of like where, you know, what is my life and what is like the script? And should my life be based on the script? Like, is it actually better, you know, because the script is based on something, right? Yeah. And, you know, so I'm hearing you kind of trying to figure out, like, you know, what should you do? Yes. Yes.

Yes. That's very spot on. Yeah. So what do you think? What do I do? Well, I mean, you know, I got to say, I think you got to marry Edison. Yeah, yeah, that's the step. But how?

But because I don't know, I don't know many people who propose with the Chipotle bag. I know, it's special. Yeah. But so let me ask you. Can I think for a second? Yes, yes, yes. So let me just kind of map out a couple of other things. You said, you said like job pressure, parental pressure, but I'm sort of hearing that the parents actually aren't pressuring you much.

Yeah. So really quick, it's like my parents are great. Like my, I always, like, I was a good student my whole life. And it was never because my parents were like, you don't get an A bad, you know, spank. Like, it was me doing that to myself. So my mom, if anything, like, the guess they wanted me to do well and they're very, like, they've been proud of me. But my mom and dad have never like been mad at me for not doing well.

If anything, maybe a little when I was younger. I went to a private school initially and then I couldn't handle the pressure, but I got really bad grades there. And then when I moved to public school, I think everything ingrained in me from private school. Like, I was like, I became very like on top of everything very like must get A's, must get B's pluses. Like it must do well. Or else, you know, I'm going to be mad at myself. So my mom, if anything, said, Leslie, don't be so hard on yourself.

Like, you did well. Like, you did well on this test. I'm like, I didn't set the curve on this exam, though. Like, I only got an A. Like, I wanted to be like top three, four. my in my college class like I would be upset over that and then my mom just like like my parents in general just be like you don't need to like you're doing fine like if anything like you work too hard so that's been my even in college I was like that so in in in streaming I'm also my mom is

just constantly reminding me to breathe to stop stressing to stop working so hard she's like Leslie like slow down like you don't need to do if anything she thinks streaming is bad for my because she's like you need to just step back and like it's it's too much happening in your life too quickly like you're you're running life on like step like fast forward like you're too many events or you're traveling like when when I could travel you were I was traveling five six more six seven times a year events and like you know very high like very stimulating events meaning a lot of people and you know when I yeah I guess it just felt like I would do what um most people would do like event wise like in 10 years in like two years you know just like

why do you feel like you have to run life on fast forward I don't well um I don't feel like I have to but I feel like that's just the pace of streaming and like this whole industry it's like conventions and and then okay it feels like I work like a ton like I stream a bunch and then to take you have to like take an extreme break to make up for the extreme work like um this like before when I could. So, so pre-COVID,

it'd be like, I'd stream like an intense amount and then I would go to like Korea for like a week. And then like instead of I feel like taking weekends because I didn't have weekends, the way I'd look at it is like stream and then like vacation and then stream vacation. Instead of like work, weekend, work, weekend, work. You know, I'd do it like like weekends would be my vacations and I would take them less frequently. Yeah.

Yeah. what what made you do it that way this industry is like very like you know like you i guess it'd be very like there'd be conventions right i wouldn't want to miss conventions because that's when i get to meet up with like people like uh you know i have friends from different parts of the world and i never would get to meet them and then they're like hey are you going to packs east or are you going to twitchcon are you going to this event and that'd be my time to like meet up with people So I felt like kind of like I have to go. I have to travel to go meet my friends from,

you know, different places and to just make memories with my current friends because we're all just in our room playing games all day or streaming all day. So I felt like that this is the time. So it's not that I want to live life on fast forward. It's that that's just kind of like, it's very easy to just just start doing that. Very exciting.

A lot of things are happening. And it was great. It's just sometimes I do feel like I know. to slow down. Sure. So I think in order to, if you think you need to slow down, in order to slow down, you have to figure out first why you're running at fast forward. Right. And what I'm hearing you say, so I'm just going to point out some stuff in your language. So when I ask you, you know, why do you feel like you have to run life on fast forward? And then you say, I don't feel like I have to run on my life on fast forward. It's the industry. Sure. Right. And then as we dig into that,

we begin to see that like you start to, because you make it sound like an external force, pressure. So pressure is an external force coming from the outside, age pressure. Like every year you look at your driver's license and you look at the calendar and it's like there's this external pressure. Like the calendar is like have children. Right? Like it's like a pressure.

And then like there's job pressure. There's industry pressure. But this is what I think a really key thing is that as we tunnel down into it, there isn't actually industry pressure. pressure. I know it sounds weird. But when you get a phone call, something happens in your mind, and then you feel the pressure. Like, your friends are just asking you if you're going to be at an event. And you could say no, but you won't let yourself say no. Right? And that's it. Like, it's not like they're like, Fuzli, you have to come. Otherwise, I will never speak to you again.

Like that's like, no, they say it. Oh, they do. Oh, God. Joking, jokingly. Yeah, no, it's more of like, but I'll never see you. I'll never have the opportunity to see you. I'm like, yeah, you're right. Okay, okay, okay. So that's actually a very important detail, right?

Because, you know, it sounds like actually that is external pressure. It's right. I mean, it's like joking and they're not, I know they're not actually going to be mad at me. It's more of like, this is our one opportunity to meet. Like in this, you know, in the past, it's been like, that's true. you know, we've been friends online for six months a year. It'd be really cool to meet this person, you know? I guess it's the pressure of like you don't want to miss out on meeting people.

And, you know, in my mind, it's like life is about making these personal connections. And like I never regret having a really nice talk with somebody like, you know, in general. And so it feels really like, yeah, it'd be worth it to fly to Berlin to like talk to this person that I'd known. And we can just have a good talk off stream. and I'll feel very like fulfilled and happy by that. So now I'm hearing a couple of other themes. One is missing out, right, that you have this opportunity. And you should take care of, you should take advantage of this opportunity while it's there.

And that also that like the sacrifice is worth it. I'm hearing that living life on fast forward is worth it because you get to live more life in a shorter amount of time. Yeah. Yeah. Is that how it feels? Yeah, sometimes because like it feels like I'm only comes back to age pressure. I'm only in my 20s once.

I'm at like it feels like my, I mean, I'm past my physical prime definitely been struggling. But I'm kind of, you know, this is the, what is that? Hold on. I'm having some shoulder, you know, some arm pain, some, some pain, you know, that I wouldn't have when I was 17. But so I'm a little bit like, you know, getting there. You're saying 28 is past. your physical time. I feel like I would, you know, like you would like,

I get up in the morning and go and I'm like, oh, that's how it feels now. But when I was 17, I would just go woo and then jump out of bed and like, so now I feel a bit, I mean, definitely a little bit more, right? So anyways, my brain's like, Leslie, you're in your 20s. You're going to be in your 30 soon. You're about to hit the big 3.0. and in my mind, oh, 30 is like, have your life together, married kids.

You know, so my brain is like, there's not much time, even though I've seen other people on the other side of 30 and they're not doing that and they're fine. And I don't look at them any less for not doing like, it's all on like, it's me putting my own like views of like my past self, like being like when you're 30, you're going to do all these things and have this. And so it's my own. I don't know. Just, you know, I guess growing up, you just hear it.

It's like, you know, you have, like, that just, I guess, I don't know, I'm my. Can you tell me about private school? Sure. Okay, so I went to private school until sixth grade, sixth grade. And let me think. I think of, I had uniforms. I, it was a primarily, it was mostly Asian at my school. It was a lot of competition.

I felt like there's very, everyone was very, like, very strict. I got yelled out a lot. I was the out, the kid out of line all the time. And, um, I rebelled a lot in private school. I hung out with the kids that were not as smart. Like I was not, I was one of the kids getting seized all the time in private school.

I hung out with like a group of three girls who we all kind of trouble back then. We're like gossip. a lot, talk about boys a lot, right on our zangas, you know, just a lot. It was just, I would rebel against the teachers. I always thought the teachers had something against me. I did like a few of my teachers, but a few of them I was like, you know, I would put the toilet paper in soap and I'd throw it at the ceilings and then they'd stick to the ceilings. I got in trouble a lot for that. What's your understanding of why you did that? I didn't like the teachers. So one of them I sort of knew I would get in trouble, but I did it anyway. Oh, I did bad stuff. I stepped on some

bees and I would like put the bees in bags and then put those in lockers of girls I didn't like. I was a really bad kid back in the day. I don't know where it stemmed from. But I think it came from I was upset at like other girls for being mean. I was mean to other girls. I was mean to other girls. I was, I don't know. I was just rebelling a lot. And it was just like, like, I guess I hung around also like some kids who like encouraged that. And so I, you know, I fed into it as well. Like we both, it was like you, you know, you find someone you kind of both just like, yeah, let's do this. And you do it. Then you just enable each other. Sure. What did your parents think about, you know, getting in trouble and seize and whatnot? They pulled me out of private

school. I would complain. I think that was it. I wanted to be out of private school so badly. There was this thing called recitation on Fridays. We'd have to go in front of the class every Friday and recite this poem every week. It was giving, it gave me so much anxiety every week. I just wanted, and I said, at public school, mom, they don't have recitation. They don't have to do this. And I'd always complain about private school, private school. I don't want to be here until I think, I guess I just made so much trouble that my mom's like, yeah, let's, you don't need to go to private school. I think maybe that was a bit of it is I really just didn't like it. I, I think I just didn't like it. What didn't you like about recitation? What, what did it feel like?

the night before, what were Thursday nights like for you? Dress! It was like every Thursday night was like this past night, the sleeping thing. I'm terrified. I just like would be like tomorrow I'm going to get up in front of the class. I'm going to pull the stick out, see that I have to go sixth or whatever. And then my heart's going to be racing for the entire person in front of me. And then I'm going to go up and I'm going to mess up all my lines.

And I'm just going to like be staring out of the class and everyone's going to be judging me waiting for me to mess up and then I'm going to mess up and I'm going to stand there, embarrass myself, and I have to do it. And then I finish it, get it over with, get like my B or whatever and then go through it. And then like, it's like a cool down. And then like I have to do it all over again every Friday. And it was just the worst. I remember just I hated that.

And so did you ever think about, did you ever fantasize about what you could do that would prevent that horrible future? Like as in like. paired or? Yeah, so it's kind of like a leading question. I'm really sniffing for something. And I think I'm actually not going to find anything, but it seems good on paper. So like I'm just kind of envisioning, you know, what must have been in your head about if you were a different person or if you did things differently? Because like usually when like, did you have those kinds of thoughts? Like if I was. Yeah, I mean, yeah, the way I thought about it is like I wish I would, I could be more like. this student or this student. Like there was a kid named Ayush in my class who was just the best at it. I remember he'd get up there and he'd like commit. Yeah, I know. And Ayesha's like, he just killed it every week. And he, I was just like,

how? He closed his eyes. He used his hands. And he would just give it his all every week. And he would everyone would be like, wow. And I was just like, I can't do that. Why can't I be like him? And that was the one thing maybe I would think I'd fantasize a world where I could probably be better speaking or more charismatic like he could be. Yeah. But instead I just get up there and go, like, like, I don't know. I just stutter my way all the way through it. And I would and I had a horrible fear of public speaking all the way.

I always talk about it like all the way up, but even until streaming. I can't. Public speaking is just the worst. And, um, and so that, that I guess that was it. What did you think was different about Ayush versus you? He didn't care. what other people thought he was just like or maybe he did but he he didn't show it he wasn't afraid to be dramatic and like it felt like he was that was his happy place like he was like i'm here to perform

this is my moment versus me i'm like dreading this moment like oh god everyone's going to think of weird and if i try to commit like him they're going to be like why is she doing that even why is she trying so hard you know so if anything i just wanted to disappear i just wanted to say it get it over with and everyone forget about it be the complete just be completely average up there and be not memorable in any way. And yeah, he, I knew he just went up there and he, he like, yeah, he felt like, it felt like if anything, he was excited to go up every week. Do you think, yeah.

Do you think Aeush was living his life on fast forward? Probably not if I had to guess, yeah. Is that, is that how you saw it? I didn't think about fast forward back then because life felt so, so, so in the moment and slow, back then. Like I was just living every moment back then as like, this is forever. Because when you're a kid, like, that's that that's how it feels. Yep.

Yeah. Yeah. So I'm going to need. So maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree here, Fuzli. So this is going to be really for you to decide. But like, here's what I'm noticing. So what you are is kind of ultra conformist in your head. Yeah.

Right? Like there is a, there is a path to success and we have to follow it. and then like you get really bent out of shape if you are like not ultra-conforming. Like 23, 26, marriage, got to do this. And there's a very like, there's a very like reasonable part of you that's sort of like, I can't really get married because of COVID. I'm not really ready to have kids. I'm in a happy relationship.

I enjoy my career. My life is pretty good. I'm actually happy on a daily basis. But inside is like a nun who's like Fuzli. This is the way of doing things. And so then the really interesting thing is to hear you talk about private school, it's like actually the voice in your head seems to be the very opposite of what you have now. Like you used to be a rebel. You used to be like no effin rules.

Like, F you guys. Like a toilet paper on the ceiling. Like bees in the lockers. Like, you know, screw Aeush. Like, you know, like. Yeah. It's interesting because I, and so I'm just wondering when I see such a drastic shift in someone's. like internal dialogue, I sometimes wonder if those are like connected.

And I wonder if sort of like you sort of, you know, your road out of private school was that you became exactly what you wanted to be. And now you're the person, like you used to be one thing in private school. And then you realize like, this is not working. I have to turn myself into something that is not the rebel. And then like you became this ultra-conneutral. And then like you became this ultra conformist. And now, like, what I'm hearing is that, you know, your parents didn't make you the ultra conformist. It's like, Aeush who made you the ultra conformist. Because Aeush was like, I'm going to show you how it's done. And you have to like take every opportunity and every Friday is like a chance for life, enjoy and passion. And then you get this phone call from your Twitch friends and they're like,

do you want to do this? And you're like, what would Aeush do is what part of your mind is how you? You're like, Aish would not skip it. Aish doesn't fucking take weekend. I can't believe we're talking This is so funny Yeah, I mean I But I could be barking up the wrong tree there You know, sometimes I work myself up

Yeah No, no, no, I feel that Like I don't, in my mind I wasn't asking about Aeush I don't think I really thought back to that until like But yeah, people like him I was I was jealous Because they They felt I'm jealous of people who are able to like

Pause you know And live like in the moment. And I feel like I'm always like, Leslie, take this opportunity, take this opportunity. Yes, say yes, say yes, so that later you can relax. But why later? Why not now? Why can't I just, you know? Yeah. Yeah. But so there's a very interesting conundrum there because you're not actually talking about living in the moment, right? Because if you were really going to live in the moment, you would pass on the opportunity. Yeah. So like what you envy. And so let me just sit. Does that make sense?

I think so, yeah. I feel like there is a more profound or clear way that I can explain this. It's interesting because you talk about living in the present and living in the moment, but then the other thing that I kind of want to point out is that like you were stuck in the present when you were in private school. Yes. And you hated it. Yes.

And now you have this idea of what it is to live in the present. But there's another part of your mind that's like, F that. We want to live. We don't want to like pause the video. We're going to fast forward. Fast forward. Fast forward the video. Right. Yes. Well, I don't want, I don't choose to fast forward. Sure. I can't control the speed at which life is going. Like when I was a kid, all I wanted to do was be older. I was like, I remember being 12 or like 11. I went to the store and I sat in this chair that's supposed to, you know, it's like a massage chair. I sat in it and they're like, I'm sorry. You can't like, how old are you? And I was like, 11. and they're like, you can't sit in that chair. It's going to mess up your bones or whatever. And I was like, are you serious? That's why you have that shoulder problem.

It's the chair. So it's, they want to, like, I was so mad. I was like, oh, I just want to be 18. Like, that's all I want to be 18. And then, like, when I was 18, oh, I want to be 21. Like, I just want to be able to drink. I want to be 21. 21.

Like, then I'm like, wait, slow down. Slow down. I'm, I'm not, yeah. What age do you want to be now? 22. 22 or 23 forever. Yeah, 21, I feel like is a bit young. So 23.

Because now I'm like approaching the age. Well, actually 25 is good too. I feel like now I'm like, I don't want to be 30 because for it. Because then I'm just going to get old and irrelevant and ugly. I feel like I'm just going to. It feels like when I was 23, I thought that of 28. I'm going to be honest. I thought, wow, Leslie, you have five years left in your career.

When you're 28, it's over. It's done. No one's going to relate to you. No one's going to watch you. You're going to be 28. You're going to be married and you're probably going to be having kids in the next year. So that was 28 for me. And so it is somewhat relieving to be 28 now and think that way about 32.

But then I know 32 is going to happen. Well, I think that way about 38. When I'm 38, will that be 48? Will that be 42? when I'm 42, would that be 48? You know, and so I guess, um, yeah,

I guess I just am, I scared of the future. I guess it feels like times running out, especially when my career is like, you know, it started when I was 23 and it feels like, you know, I'm in front of a camera, I'm on Twitch. It's a job that doesn't have like this obvious next path as well.

So it feels like I have to make the most of what I have now. Like this is my career. I'm, probably just going to try to do this for 10 years and then like it's over like something's going to happen and people are going to be like oh she's old okay can't watch her anymore like I just think that I have this fear that people are going to just click that I'm old and it shouldn't watch me because I don't they don't relate to me or that it's just that I'm just old now and it's like you I'm going to be watching like my mom you know so something like that so Fuzley thanks a lot

for sharing all that I think I'm hearing a very very common threat here which is that you're never happy with where you are. Right? It's like you either want to be older or you want to be younger. Like your mind is like retreating it in whatever way it can except like nowhere but the present. Like present is unexcathor, sorry, anywhere but the present. Yes. And so it's like, you know, when you were young, you were thinking about the future now that you're old.

You're thinking about the past and you're like 23 to 25. Maybe there's a little bit of Erickson here where you will feel. ready to be older than 23 once you get married. Because that's the milestone that you associate with 23. So maybe there's something there. But really what I'm hearing is that you detest, and by you, I mean a part of you. Because this is a weird, confusing thing about our mind as we think about our mind as monolithic, but it's not like one way.

Right. But like what I'm hearing is that you never wanted to be where you are. Like age-wise. In general. But yeah, age-wise, sure. Yeah. Well, I can't say I don't like, I think I'm very, I am very happy with where I am. Like, like I'm very, I mean, there's parts of me that are, yeah, struggling. But like, overall, I think I am. But yeah. So, so, so just to quickly explain kind of how that works. If you've heard me talk to talk about some scars, you know, it's like that part of you that is unhappy with where you are is something you carry with you and sometimes gets activated. Like if I have a phobia of snakes, that phobia of snakes is. something I carry with me and I can be like happy and then then I see a snake and then the phobia

arises. So you're like happy in the day to day, but you carry this thing with you that like sand and the hourglass is running out. I'm too old. I'm not 23. I was supposed to get married. I was supposed to have kids. You know, I'm not even going to like touch this. I don't know if you recognize this, but we're, you know, we're circling around potentially like talking about being too old to have kids and that thing. Right. So that just steer and clear of that one unless you want to talk. about it, but I mean, in my mind, it's just certain that I will have kids when I'm like 32. How do you feel about that? I'm just preparing.

I'm like, okay, my, like, basically in my mind like, maybe 33 or 34, but like I know that I want to have kids. I know that I don't really have a choice to have kids, but after I'm 40. So I have to. Like, I can choose to get married. Like married is like, you know, I have to, you know, it's not like a biological. thing. But if I'm having kids at 45, like, you know, that I take a risk in my kids. So I, I am like, yeah, I have to. If I want to have kids, then I got to do that when I'm in my 30s. So in my mind,

since it's a set decision almost, I feel less anxiety about it. And kids are cute. So I've started to get more excited. I see kids. I'm like, hey, you. And Edison's like, oh. So I'm kind of looking forward to it. And I have a cat. I don't know where he is. But caring for him makes me feel like just love. So I want that. Yeah. Yeah. So it actually sounds like you're pretty good around the kids thing. Yeah, I don't feel too much anxiety about it because I want to have kids. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes when people are very like sensitive about their age, they also like there's a like for women, there's a lot of pressure to have kids at a certain time and and, you know, things like that. But I'm actually not hearing that from you. It sounds like you're okay having kids at 32. I feel like maybe

because it's also kind of far. Like it's like, well, it's like, that's actually not that far. Five, because it could be from 32 to like, my mom had me when she was 38. So because I feel like that's some ways away, um,

I think if it was like, uh, you know, I was married and then we're like, me and a center sitting down like, all right, you want to have kids, you know,

that maybe might start to freak me out a bit because that's a huge like life change. But because it's still somewhat distant, um, I don't, feel it entirely. But as I'm having this conversation, you know, I am thinking a little bit. Yeah, it does give me a little bit of where. It does worry me a little bit because I'm not sure how much that would change my life. And also Edison, we've had the talk about it. And he's like,

if you want kids, we have kids. If you want one kid, we have one kid. If you have two, you have two. If you don't want, we don't have kids. He's just like, your body, you know, like, I don't have to go through it. So I'm not going to make you have kids. So him saying that gives me like, makes me feel so free. Like there's this. option where I don't have kids maybe. So I think that that also is like very. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. That, that was instantly like a so much relief. Like, oh, if like I don't have to have kids. So maybe there's a small part of me that isn't sure I'm going to have. No, I'm pretty sure. But like maybe a 5% chance that like if I randomly decide not to that I don't have

someone pressuring me as well. And my parents also don't always don't pressure me about it at all. they don't i think they obviously they want to but they don't say anything about it so i don't have like this yapping voice like kids kids kids kids kids kids grandkids you know so it's it feels kind of up to me it sounds like you have that voice in your head sometimes it's my own voice yeah i was going to say i i think you're you know your parents learned that that you're you know you have your own yapping voice they don't want to add another yapping voice yeah yeah and and so is there like a type of pressure that we sort of haven't touched on? I mean,

do you feel like we've covered age pressure or job? Yeah, I think you really hit the nail on the head with, like I'm just never happy. Like, like, like when I was a kid, I wanted to be older. When I'm older, like I wanted to be younger. And when I was the age I wanted to be, time just went like that. So it just feels like, also on Twitch,

it's very like, you know, the boomer zoomer jokes. Like they're everywhere. Every even some of my friends brought up like yesterday or two days ago. Why are we always talking about age? Like I feel like it comes up in every conversation. And I'm like, it's because like you say something like you're such a boomer. And then you're like,

I'm a boomer. I'm in you justify why you're not old. Or it's like I try to say something young and hip, but they're like, Leslie, stop. You're talking like the, you know, Gen Z and like the zoomers.

And it's all about like age these days. Like how old you are, what jokes you can say or can't say. Or like if you get something or don't. Oh, you're so boomer. You're too much of a zoomer. to understand like it's very the culture especially i think in gaming and streaming it's very prevalent social media so my age comes up a lot in terms of in at least in my own head i don't even always say

like oh i'm 28 you know i just i just hear it a lot and so it makes me think a lot about how old i am and it does it's not like a big issue in my mind it's just like a voice like you said or something i'm always like thinking it's always in the back of my head that of things i should be doing or or or like, am I too old to do this? So it's nothing like crazy. It's just like I think that that's just a general thing I'm carrying with me. And it's the yapping voice. And I want to just learn how to like slow down and like actually just, you know, not like live like when I was a kid.

Yeah. But you don't want to live when you were like a kid. In fact, I think the reason you're in this trouble is because you're trying to get away from the way you were living as a kid. yeah so like live like the times the time how slow it was outside of school outside it just felt like yeah how did it feel outside of school it was good it was great like um i would go to my cousin's house every day after school and we'd rollerblade around the streets have knee pads and fall down and um yeah it was it was good so yeah So what part of you makes you think you're living too fast? Living too fast. Time. Birthdays are happening so quickly.

Every day is the same. I'm like living in a, it feels like a wake up, do the same thing every day. And I know that when I do the same thing every day, it just all blurs together. Like one big year just went by. Like, what did I do?

I woke up every day, stream, play games, went to sleep. Boom, some days. I remember that one. day that I left the house with Edison and we went on a cute date. But usually it's very routine and routine tends like when I'm a kid, you know, I've only lived so long. So every day is like a new memory, right? And so it feels like time is slower because that's like every day is like, it's like a bigger fraction of my life. Like it takes up, you know, like, but now every day is like

less of that. So I think like I have so many memories that are like so feel. like time is just racing um but yeah i noticed like wow i'm always saying oh my gosh march went by 2020 just happened like that um everything is just going by so quickly um and i think that that that and also i used to break things up a bit more i would travel right and stuff and that would weirdly it would be by having all these things it would slow me down in a way or at least make the year very memorable for me like oh, I remember I went to here and then I went to this and then I traveled there. Can I ask you to just pause for a second? Yeah.

I want to just try to, because I think you're sharing a lot of really important stuff. I just want to be able to process it before you keep going. Go ahead. I'm going to need like a long second, okay? Take your time. Can you tell me about transitioning to public school and how that was different for you? So I really wanted to get out of public school because because I was so rebellious and stuff, if I also caused a lot of drama with my friends.

And so when I left, I remember being very dramatic about it. And like I didn't say bye to anybody. And people were like, Leslie, it really hurt this guy who liked you that you didn't say bye or you're like. I remember just drama like on the last day. And I was so happy to get out of there.

And it was a new start. So I went to public school. And then, uh, it was different because I kind of came from being like a cool kid in public school to a private school to a complete like nobody like new kid at a public school where everybody already knew each other because I joined in seventh grade and everyone had already been together since sixth grade. So things were established and I remember walking around like I didn't know

anybody and I would like my mom signed me up for choir. So I immediately joined choir and I found like a home in choir luckily and I found like a really close knit of like a group of three friends. I think we met in like my history core class or something. But. I found a nice knit of friends, but I was, and I hung out with my cousin, who I rollerbladed a lot with. She was also like my best friend. So we went to school together and luckily we had each other. So that was that. I also shot up my grades.

I was instantly like an A student because I, because I came from like redoing, like I took geometry or like classes that I was basically redoing a year because I was going faster at private. So I already know all those stuff. So I immediately became a really good student. So that was nice. I started writing for the school newspaper. How did you feel about yourself? Great. I was like, wow, I'm actually smart. Like, it felt weird to go from being the D.C. student. Like, okay, I'm just the stupidest kid at my school to I'm passing this class and like helping other kids like learn how to do stuff.

And I'm like, hey, like you need help. I like I did the stuff last year. So immediately. And I would like kind of gravitate towards smarter students too. What happened with the toilet paper and the soap? What about it? Did you continue doing it? No.

No way. I felt, uh, I, it, in sixth grade or fifth grade, I felt like everyone knew me to be rebellious. I would go out of my way to make trouble because that was my reputation as well. And also, it felt good to be rebellious and to sit, yeah. Um, at this new school. Oh, um, it felt good to. Well, I don't know. I felt it felt like I was pissing off the people that, like, were mean to me, like my teachers.

I was like, why are you so mean? And like, why do you get me in trouble all the time or call me out all the time? So to do that, felt like, yeah, I did that. And I don't care. And I guess I just, that was my attitude. It's really bad. And so I got really bad remarks on my report card all the time. I remember just like out of line talks to.

much causes troubles you know all this i was like yeah and what what happened when you i i sort of jumped in a couple of times so what happened when you so you were doing better in school the rebelliousness went away do you have a sense of why well at a new school i'm i've gone to this private school since i was like a child like i literally like first grade second all the way um i do remember one year so i went to fourth grade i switched schools because my mom switched work. So I moved to the same private school, just a different branch of it in fourth grade. And I have an incident of, I don't know why it happened, but like, or like I can't really, but maybe this little, but basically my teacher asked me like what, or I had a best friend named Danielle

and her mom like worked. She had a really, her mom had a really cool job. And my teacher and she asked me like what my mom did. And I would tell all my friends. I lied. And I said, my mom works at the, the Monterey Bay Aquarium. I don't know why. I just thought it was the coolest job ever. And my mom was an accountant, which I think is great now. But back then I was like, my mom's an accountant. That's so boring. So my friend's moms were like, I felt like they were like, I don't know, really cool. I don't know. So they're like, your mom works at the aquarium? And I was like, yep. So anyways, my, everyone started talking about my mom who works at the Monterey Bay Corm. How cool is that? Anyway, so that my teacher like one time walked me to my car. My mom. My mom. was there to pick me up. And he's like, oh, I'm going to come with you to talk to your mom about her job. And I was like, you do not need to do that. And he's like, no, no, no. Hey, Mrs. Foo, I heard you work at the Monterey Aquarium. My mom's like, no, I'm going to count. And I was so embarrassed. I was like, yeah, I lied. I don't know why I lied. But that, I don't know, that was like this one side year. I like lied a bunch. I, I don't know. I just felt this need to be cooler than I was.

And that was this one year where I came from the rebellious school went to here. And then after that year, I went back to that same school. And then I started doing all the shenanigans again. But I don't know. It's just a side tangent. And then. Yeah. It's a lovely story.

It's just embarrassing. I still feel embarrassing. Sounds mortifying. It was awful. But I brought it home myself. So then, yeah. So switching to the new school, like I think. I'm not just going to go to a new school with a brand new, like no reputation, right?

And then just start causing trouble. I'm just like, this is my chance to have a new, to turn over a new leaf and to make a good reputation. And so I think the first thing that gave me an identity was that I was having a really easy time in school. And so I started to make friends with all the other smarter kids. So I started hanging out with smart, smart kids. And I'm like, wow, you guys are really smart. So we're all kind of smart. And so we all just, you know, we'd work on school and we'd talk about things.

But we weren't like the cool kids or anything, kind of hang out and eat in the classroom and stuff. But that was fine. And it was definitely different. And it's not like I was like Goody Two Shoes. I was always talkative and we get in trouble in almost all my classes. Like I just talk a lot. So in high school, I remember my, I would, yeah, all the time. My teacher would spray water at me sometimes because I was talking so much.

And then, so that was all the way until like senior year of high school. So I was never like shy or anything or just like Goody Teaches. When they sprayed water at you, what do you imagine your teacher was feeling? in that moment. Angry that I'm not paying attention. Disrespecting her. Like just having side conversations while she's like trying to talk to the class. So let me ask you something.

This is once again loaded question. I love this hypothesis may not be. So did you, when you moved schools, did you become Aish? No, I couldn't achieve what Aish was. I've never been able to be Aish. I've like,

I've never gotten to that point. He's, he achieved that by fourth grade that I, But boy, do you try. Yeah. I still am envious of there's, and I see in Aeushin people on Twitch as well. It's like their ability to to just immerse themselves and live in the moment. I see it in the way they are and just the ability to like not care. I have like this thing holding me back.

That's like, that's like, don't do that or else like you're going to embarrass yourself. So just it, you know, it's always this thing. I'm afraid of failure. So I don't let myself. those things. But Aish, if he was committed, right? And then he stumbled, it felt like that stumble would be more embarrassing than someone who's already fumbling. Like if he's committed and then and then he goes, oh crap. So, but he and he would, but he just carry on through it. But I always thought if I committed so hard to something and I choked that I would, I would never be able to live that down.

So I was like, okay, it's fine. Just, just, just be average. Just don't like, don't, don't stick out or don't like fully like commit to anything and then you won't fully fail. And that's why I still have that voice. It holds me back a lot from trying things. And, um, yeah. So one day I hope to like be able to achieve that. Or in my mind, actually think in my, in my head, I tell myself, you're not actually capable of that.

That's just not who you are. You're not able to like just like go and fully commit to something without. I, I sense it in, um, you know, actors. actors who can like completely like I feel like they're almost like a different breed like people who can just like you know like action and then they can like commit to a scene so hard I admire those people

I feel like that is just so cool that they can do that in front of so many people and cry and be vulnerable but like I could never like what keeps you from doing that? Fear of I'm just insecure I think I'm just like I of trying and then someone being like yeah that's not it yeah he retried though you know that

I think there's that voice of uh rejection of telling me like you know if I never try I can't fail in that aspect right so I'm just always just look at actors and I admire them um but not just I view them as like like yeah like I'm pretty sure I use shows like in drama and all that so I think it comes with a lot of people who are able to put themselves out there it's so cool and I I've always looked up to them. Never have I wanted to dock someone in my whole life. I'm so curious. I want to track Aish down and I don't know if that's the right term.

I do. I'm so curious what this guy is up to now. I know. Okay. So Fuzli, I think for better or for worse, I think I have some guidance for you. Okay. So I think it's beautiful that you share that little anecdote at the beginning about falling asleep. Because, you know, the funny thing about falling asleep is that the harder you try,

the harder it becomes. Yes. And I think that's a beautiful parallel for like just you. So there's some like weird kind of like psychological stuff going on. So I think part of your hesitation to commit is because there's a part of you that still feels. So what I, what I'm guessing, Fuzly, and this is, you know, I don't really know. It's just something for you to think about. So I tend to offer people hypotheses as opposed to conclusions, but I make them sound like conclusions. Really, you who decides. So what I'm getting the sense is that, like, there's private school Leslie who's buried underneath public school Leslie, who's buried underneath you.

And so the problem is that, like, the Fusley of today can't ever commit because you don't know whether private school Leslie or public school Leslie. You don't know, like, who you are. like which one of those is the real you. And the reason you can't commit is because like, because now you've built up this kind of shell, right? Like where you were like private school Leslie, like you're successful, you're engaged, you're a streamer.

You have all these things to be proud of. But underneath like, is public school, I mean, is private school Leslie just like lurking? Like is that person who couldn't do anything right and no matter how hard she tried, right? Because that's the fear is like you gave it your best and it just wasn't enough.

Yeah. And, you know, I heard you rebelling. And I think it's interesting because when we conceptualize things, we're like a lot more, we think of ourselves as far more autonomous than we are. So I don't think that you went to your new school and were like, this is an opportunity for me to reinvent myself. I think it's actually the other way around where like you went to a new school, you were filled with anxiety, you kind of stumbled into being one of the smart kids. And you're like, oh, wait a second. I don't have to be what I was before. I can reinvent myself.

But that process of reinvention happens after, like the realization that you're reinventing itself comes second, not first. The reinvention already happens. So what I'm really hearing from you is that like, you know, you're, you can't, you can't commit to being who you are. And you call it insecurity, which I think is a wonderful umbrella term. But what it really is is like I think you're, you know, I would venture that you're maybe afraid that. who you are fundamentally is not good enough. And that's where we get to the age pressure. Because if you don't have faith in yourself,

you need a playbook. Right? Like, if I trust who I am, I can go up on stage and I can give it my all and come hell or high water. Like, it'll fail magnificently or I'll succeed gloriously. There's still magnificence and glory in each one.

But if I don't have faith in myself, and I'm not willing to do that. Then I need a teleprompter, right? Like, I need a playbook that like by 23, I got to do this. By this, I got to do this. Because like walking my own path, like, may not be good enough. And so I think this is where we sort of get into the age pressure, which is sort of, you know, and you talk about living in the present.

And now we get to something which is like, I think you've learned that the present is actually a really painful, like, it sucks to be the present. Yeah. Right. And you kind of say that you're kind of talking about. And it's definitely a shared experience. where, you know, the four years between 14 and 18 are way longer than the 10 years between 25 and 35. Yes.

And so that's a common shared experience. And so I think you sort of started to like adopt, like you started to like become something, right, in public school. And you're like, okay, I'm going to do things right. And this is where the voice comes in. And like the voice is like, okay, I've got to do a good job. I've got to do a good job. I've got to do it the right way. I can't do it because in public.

in private school, did you do it the right way or did you do it your way? My way. And how did that work out for you? Bad. And when you were in public school, did you do it the right way or did you do it your way? The right way. And how did that work out for you? Better.

Yeah, good. Right? And so now we see like the pressure. There's a script because you learned like very early on that your way is a bad way. And the right way is a good way. And now it's getting even more confusing because now you're actually learning that that's not actually true, that you can do it your way and your way can do the right way. But then there's like, there's like a private school little fourth grade Leslie who's like,

why would you stop being aeush? You did it. You did it. You were on the right track. And even now, you can hear the qualification, right? You've never become a yush. And I ask you in public school, was at the right? And you were like, yeah, it was decent. There's a step in the right direction. You qualify it. You can't really own it. And so there's this part of you that like wants to be this perfect thing. And like being you is not that perfect thing. But now you're confused because as you're mature and stuff like that. There's a 28 year old you who's like, I found my person. We're going to get married when it's like convenient for us to get married. We're going to probably have kids. I want to have kids. But it's weird because you have these like three voices. Right. There's private school Leslie. There's public school Leslie.

and then there's like the Leslie of today. And so you say, and now what you're noticing is like, actually I'm living way too fast. Like this is too much too fast. And this is where you kind of talk about the industry. And there's like, this is this one opportunity to like go to Germany and meet this person. And this is this one opportunity. Let me live in the present. Let me live in the present.

Let me live in the present. I have so much present to live in. Oh my God. Let's live in all the present. Let's do it all right now every day. Live in the present, baby. Let's go. Let's go.

Let's go. Live in the present. Oh, yeah. Right? Yeah. And so like, like you're falling into this really bizarre trap of like trying to force yourself to fall asleep. And it's like the more you try to live in the present, the more fast forward your life becomes. It's like, yeah, let's take advantage of this opportunity.

This opportunity is only going to happen once. We'll go live in the present. Yeah. Yeah. Let's go. Right? So true. And.

And so it's really challenging because I think in order to live in the present, now, you know, we get to be wise. You ready for the wisdom? Yes, yeah, I'm ready. In order to live in the present, you have to let go of the desire of living in the present. Because it is the desire for living in the present that has you living in the future and fast-forwarding your life. I'm serious. How do I get rid of that desire to live in the present? You don't get rid of the desire to live in the present.

you just don't give into it. Right? So like, I know it sounds weird, but very practically, you know, like, I know it sounds weird, but like, so if you go to a conference and you ask yourself the question, is this me trying to live in the present? And then your answer is going to be yes, because this is a wonderful opportunity that I can treasure and I can be in the present if I go to the conference. But that's what you've always said. And then you go to six conferences and then life passes you.

buy. So oddly enough, you should ask yourself, is this me trying to live in the present? And if the answer is yes, don't do it. It's going to be really difficult. I know. It's confusing, isn't it? What? Okay. But then when will I ever do anything? Exactly. And that's what living in the present is. Right? Because the present is not about doing. It's about is. It's about being. It's not about doing. So like what you R is a doer instead of a beer. And like doing is about like, like even when you do something, truly in the present, you're not doing it.

You're becoming it. Like, like, I know this sounds weird, but like, you know, I've been working with some esports professionals recently. And we talk about becoming one with the game. They're not playing the game anymore. They like become this weird, like, superhuman thing where they're like one with the game. And you'll see it if you like watch East Sports. sports where there's like one thing where like it looks like they're hacking.

Like they their game sense is just out of this world. And they like predict things. It looks like their reactions. Like they've got some sort of weird like, you know, like map hack or like, you know, some like, you know, aim bot or something. It's not that they have an aim bot. It's that they know where the enemy is going to be. Yeah.

And they even like shoot the bullet before they see them on the screen. And then lo and behold, the person shows up and then, you know, they get snipe. And isn't that like flow state? Absolutely. So the flow state is not like and so the more that you try to do. Yeah. The less you be. And the purest form of doing is actually being when you become like one with the object.

Right. Like like when I'm not I'm not a person anymore. Like I'm not someone who's doing something. I am that thing. like you become like like you know an embodiment of like valerant whatever that is or whatever you know yeah what what do you think about that I I actually think that that makes sense I have like watched a lot of videos about like the flow state and like yeah when I and I've like I want to achieve that and I know how it feels to like be in that flow state uh and like I know I love that feeling

And sometimes it's me even like working or something. I'm like, I just feel like this sense of like I can't be interrupted because what I'm doing is I'm just so one with what I'm doing. My mind is like going and I'm like I feel like very present in that moment. And I really love that. But I don't know how to access it regularly. Yes. So we're going to get to that. Yeah.

So I'm so perfect. So let me ask you something. When you access the flow state before you access the flow state did you want to access the flow state? I think I always want to, but I didn't. Let's rephrase. Yes. Did you try to access the flow state when you succeed in accessing the flow state? Sometimes.

Sometimes it's like I put myself in the right minds. I clean my space. I drink lots of coffee. And I like clear my mind. I have everything else done around me. So I don't have random distractions. And I can like set myself up. But I can't always guarantee it.

It's kind of like a, it sometimes is and sometimes there's it. Good. So, so I know it sounds. Okay, so, hmm, let me think about it. Okay, we're going to talk about flow state and the practicalities. Then we're going to talk about your life again and this whole like stop trying to do so much. Yeah. And that kind of business.

Okay. So the first thing is that, so I like sleep a lot because, and I like this discussion of the flow state because like the yogis in India understood this really, really well. So part of the thing is that they, they have so many. different, they have like as many words for snow that Eskimos do is like they have tons of words for consciousness in states of mind. So what they recognized is that you can't enter a state of flow state. So flow state is a state of consciousness called Dianna. And that's one word for it anyway. So Dian is like a state of mind. So it's kind of like sleep. So can you go to sleep? I think. Can you know how? Tell me. Instruct me and how to sleep.

close your eyes and then you you think I my trick is that I think about a very specific memory from like fourth or fifth grade and I try to recall every detail of that story it's like I'm watching a mini movie of my life or like yes last night I did high school but like every night I pick a night or a day I think ah seventh grade and I just go down seventh grade in my mind and like what it was like and who I was talking with or a specific specific AIM conversation I had with them. And as I think more and more details, I... So, so interesting. So the way that you sleep as you start, so sleep is recalling lots of memories about a particular day in your past. Yeah. Is that what sleep is?

Well, no. That sleep is when you're actually unconscious. And then what, that, that helps me relax. And then... But how do I sleep? Is recall sleep? Because you're telling me that what you're doing is recall. No, recall leads to sleep for me.

Okay. So now we get good. So one is an action. One is a doing. The recall is the doing. And the sleep is the happening. There's a doing and there's a happening. There's a doing and there's a being.

And the two are different, fundamentally different. And so your problem about like trying to live in the present is that you're trying to do the being. Yeah. But the being and the doing are different. Yes. Right? Just like you said. So you've figured out Adharana.

So now we get to the verb part. So Dian or the flow state is a state of mind. It's a noun. It's not a verb. You can't do it. You can't be in the present. Just think about it for a second. B is a B verb.

It's not like an action verb. So you can't be in the present. Like it's not something you can do. You can exist in the present. But it's not like an action. Like I'm not like a, okay. I'm going to do a little bit of being right now. You ready?

Oh, man. Did you see that guy? That guy is an Olympic runner, man. He can run so fast. That guy's a pro gamer. He can play so well. Dude, did you see that guy? Look at him being, man.

Like, oh, damn. That guy's like Olympic level, pro-level being. Look at him. Right, right. Damn, look at that. Oh, my God. Did you see his moves? Look at it being there.

Oh, my God. Sick. Sick. Can't do that. You can't do the being. The doing of being are fundamentally different things. If I am saying like I am in the present, that statement alone is it like now I'm not in the present?

Sort of. Sort of. Yeah. So like I would say that you can still be in the present, but I'm trying to be in the present means you're not in the present. Like the trying is like the action verb, right? So it's like. So the focus.

So the focusing technique, so this is what the yogis figured out the same thing you figured out, good job, Fuzzi, which is that there is a verb called focus. So this is the haranah. So what you do is a focusing technique. You like pick a particular memory and what you do is you make your mind one pointed on one thing. And so like the way this works with sleep is that normally all these different thoughts interfere with our ability of sleep. So our mind can't, we can't clear our mind.

but what the mind is really good at is letting one thing block out everything else, which is why we love video games and why they're so fucking addictive. Because, like, I can play a video game and it can knock out everything else. So what you start is a focus, a dharana, a verb. And then when you do the dharana,

as long as you sit with that dharana for a while, your mind does something really cool, which is a general principle, which is like it acclimatizes that and it stops, experiencing it. And so what I mean by that is like, if you walk into a room,

you'll notice the smell. And then within a few seconds, your brain literally blocks out the signal of the smell. It acclimatizes to it. When I put on this shirt, I feel it. But then within a few seconds,

I stop feeling it. So over time, when you focus on one thing, you use that to push all the other thoughts out of your mind. And then when you sit with that one thing, eventually your mind will get used to it and then it's gone.

and then you are in a no-mind state. That's when you fall asleep, when you acclimatized to it. Yeah. Okay. So, and also you figured out, like, just like the flow state, like, it's weird that you talk about these weird things, like you clean your room before a flow state. How on earth does that work? So once again, there's a Sanskrit word for that. Should thee.

Should thee means cleansing. And so what people figured out is that an important part of meditation practice is people who clean their room enter the state of Dionne more easily than people who do not. And it's just something about that like the rote mechanical like putting things in order. There's some kind of like if you really think about it like cleaning is like not a mentally activating activity. It is like a mentally like calming activity. So like your mind is like focused on this little menial task. You can't really think about other stuff. So cleaning is actually a really powerful form of almost like dharana.

Because you know I can't really, you know, my mind. mind, if I'm sitting there, I'll get bored and my mind can wander, it can think about all kinds of things, anxieties and whatnot. When I'm cleaning, it's like, it requires just enough brain power so that I can't be anxious at the same time. Yeah. Yes. When I'm stressed, I clean. When I do, like, when anything is bothering me, I look around my room and I just start picking things up and it immediately alleviates it as things are getting clean. Yeah. So it's weird, but like you figured the stuff out, which is fantastic. So yeah. So that should be. And so like there are other things that you can do to prime yourself to be kind of in the present. So I'm going to have to think a little bit about, you know,

I'll teach you a formal practice to try to get you into the flow state in a few minutes. I just have to think about what that is and where you are. But now I want to talk a little bit about living in the present. So I want to go back to this idea of like, you know, if you tell yourself in order to live in the present, I must go do this. How do you feel about not doing those things? sad because it's like in my mind that's what life is kind of all about it's like to go make those connections that to those people that you met or to like i don't know that's just and get go travel see other parts of the world and me staying in my room or at my house is like more of the same so time if anything in my mind will pass quicker because it's the same it's like routine so my brain

will just mesh all those days together but if i get up go somewhere and and and, you know, talk to all these people, meet all these people. It's like, yeah, that that's, in my mind, that's going to, if anything, slow things down. Yeah. So that makes a lot of sense. So let me add a couple of like nuances or caveats here. So the first is that if you're not going to a conference and you maintain your same routine at home, it's not going to work at all. So the goal is for you to like not do your home routine at home, which I know sounds weird.

But then you may actually have to leave. So like I'm not saying don't go somewhere because it could be a good idea to leave. But what I want you to be careful about is going somewhere with the intention of getting the most juice out of life. Yeah. Because it is that juice, it is that desire of getting the most. out of something, it is that hunger from the flow state, which prevents you from getting into the flow state to begin with. Right? So, like, I think you can go somewhere by all means. Like, go somewhere peaceful. But don't try to be in the present. Just go there just to hang out. Don't try to accomplish anything. Because flow states are not about accomplishing. And in fact, the harder you try to accomplish, the further away the flow state becomes. The flow state is about letting go. Sleep is about letting go.

The harder you tell yourself, oh my God, I need to fall asleep. I need to fall asleep right now. I'm going to be so tired tomorrow. I'm going to be so tired tomorrow. Let's go. Let's go, baby. Olympic sleeper. Let's go.

Yeah. Let's go. Let's go, son. That's me. Right? Yeah. And so the more that your mind is doing that, like the less in the present you're going to be because your mind is like, let's go. Fast forward, baby.

Like six conferences in one year. Like two is for scrubs. Yeah. Private school, Leslie. Like, we're like, we're like, A, you should do 10. Every week he shows up and he goes to every one of those conferences. And he performs like it was his last day on Earth.

So we're going to go to this conference. It's going to be a last conference on Earth. We're going to form connections. We have deep conversations. Let's go. That's me. Yeah, that's exactly how it feels. It's like, okay, like this one's over.

On to the next one. At that one, I'm going to schedule all these times to meet all these people. I'm going to boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And then, but it goes like that. And I'm like, wow. Yeah. Where did that go? Yeah.

Absolutely. Right. So if we think about it, you know, the speed of your thoughts is going to correlate with like something about your experience of time. And there you are whipping yourself to get like the most out of this experience that the experience whooshes right by. And so in order to slow down, you have to like stop trying to slow, like get so much out of life. You know, it's sort of like, okay, like let's go to this conference and just see how it goes.

maybe I'll hang out with some people. Like, that's cool. I love that. But how do I do that? Like, I, ah. You love the idea of it. So, so this is how you do it. So your problem is the question that you just asked.

Because you're like, how do I do that? There it is again. There's your mind. Do it. Let's go. Like, how do, like, yeah. Like, tell me. Tell me.

How do I be in an Olympic? Yeah, that's what I want. Yeah. Let's go. There you are again. You see? Yeah, yeah. I'm all about efficiency in life.

Yeah. Like, yeah, like, I, when I buy things, it's like best reviewed things. Sit with this, Fuzly. You don't. Oh. You don't do what I'm telling you to do. You can't do it. How does that feel?

And if I can't do it, then, then it's impossible. He said, I can't do it. So if I can't do it, then I might as well, well, that. Keep going. Keep going. It's new territory for you. So it's going to take. Wait.

You're saying I can't. I can't. Like, what can't I do? Like, be present. I can't be present. It's just not possible for me to be present. Yep. It's just impossible.

So then what does your mind do? well go back to the conventions and just go back to how it was if I can't achieve the other one. Yep. Yeah. And in doing so, you will be one step closer to being present. Just by acknowledging or. See, because it's, it's kind of like saying like, ah, fuck it.

This night is ruined. I'm not going to be able to fall asleep. And then it disarms the anxiety and you pass out. Yeah, that's very true. Once I give up and snap my eyes open. I'm like, yeah. Yeah. So being in the present is about letting go.

Now you understand what letting go is. Because once you take that burden away from yourself, that you don't have to be a you. You don't have to make the most of it. Are you going to go to the conference? Absolutely. But you know what? You're not going to be able to be present because you just suck at that.

All right. So let's just go and let's just like, let's at least have a good time. Like, sure, it's going to pass me by. I'm going to feel exhausted at the end of it. I'm going to have to go back to streaming. I'm going to regret it in a couple of days. And I'm going to have all these choice memories to hang on to. And at least I'll have made the most of it.

But I'm not going to be present. It's going to actually be kind of crappy. It'll be like sort of fun, but it'll be like exhausting. It's just like it is what it is. Let's just go for it. And then, boom, you'll be present. But you can't trick yourself into doing that because you can't say, oh, oh, oh, this is how I be present.

I pretend that I'm not going for the presence. Oh, oh, let's pretend. I'm going to be there and, uh, the. No, no, no. You can't trick yourself. You really have to just, you can't do it. Yeah. Yeah.

This, I had like, um, so TwitchCon, um, is it, I don't know if you've been to, or I probably haven't been to Twitchcon, but TwitchCon is like this convention that like, you know, you go and it's like a very hyped up event because it's like the one time of year. I'm going to be at a place and all the people who watch me are my friends or whatever. know where to find me. Like this is that one place and they find each other. It's like this super hype weekend. Everybody gets to meet each other. And it's like in my mind, this is the one weekend. I need to be like there. I need to be like as much. Yeah. So anyways, I do this meet up at the end of it. And I remember there in my mind, there was so much pressure leading up to that. And me and Edison actually got

into a fight like right before it to the point where like I was like, we're arguing. And I'm like, please can we make this argument end right now because I need to go to this meetup and I need to be in a good mood like I can't be crying and I was so mad at this time that it was like that was like okay three o'clock you need to be at this park and you need to be happy you need to be ready to meet people and it's like two what two 15 and I'm crying in a hotel room and me and Edison are like sitting there like and he's like I don't want you I want you to be happy but like we need to resolve this and I'm like can we resolve this and I'm like can we resolve this? solve it later. It's just so, I remember being so frustrated because, like, I just needed to be in the best mood and ready to be, like, and it was, anyways, I always come back to that when I think of time, convention pressure and like, needing to be. Yeah. So I don't know. That was just. So here's what I'm hearing. I got to be happy. Oh, let's go, bitches. Happy time. Good mood. Yeah. What the hell is wrong with you? Why can't you be happy right now? Come on. Yep. Be happy. Oh. right that's what like that's the best I don't know the language there's no word yeah yeah like that is not being in the present yeah I know it's a far as thing from it your whole life Fuzley what I'm hearing is oh except those moments where you're not like that like Edison right it sounds like you just met a dude and he's dope it's like oh my God he proposed to me he rented out the entire symphony hall and there was a 64 piece of orchestra. It was so great. And we had an Instagram photographer

who took care of everything. No. He proposed to you with Chipotle bag. Yeah. At the end of a marathon stream where he was like mentally fatigued. That's your life. And it's perfect the way it is.

You don't need to have the script. Yeah. Right? And so in terms of TwitchCon, by all means, be on on TwitchCon. But what's happening? the other 51 weekends of the year? I'm working, usually, streaming.

Okay. So, like, I will allow you, and it sounds so controlling, but I will allow you to be bent out of shape for TwitchCon. Let that go. You can't be present during TwitchCon. Don't worry about it. Don't try to be present.

Too much pressure, too important, too professional, too important for your career. Fine. So let that, what about the other 51 weekends? You know? Well, there's another Twitchcon in Europe. that happens. So that TwitchCon is well. Ah. Oh. Okay. So that's two out of 52.

What about the other 50 then? Okay. There's lax. Okay. Well, okay, fine. So like, like, so there's like six or eight. And sure. So like that's where you got to all really think about do you need to go to all these. Why do you need to go to all these? Because. Oh. Okay. You know how you just described that is how my weeks are? Like I have an empty week on my calendar. And it'll be like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, right? And I have empty bubbles for it. And then my weeks all slowly fill up as people say, hey, can you do this sponsor? Hey, can you do this call at this time for that sponsor? Hey, do you want to

play this game on this day? Hey, and my brain is like, yep, yep, yep, sounds good. Okay. Oh, excited. Cool. My week's filling out. So I slowly start typing it all. And then my week starts going, like, it looks. And I'm like, whoa. And I read that out. And then people are like, you need to slow down. Yeah. So, so that's where the key thing there is, when you get that phone call, what happens in your mind? Can you do this? It says, well, okay, well, yes. So for me, it's like, of course I can do that. I want to do that because if it's a sponsor, it's like, well, it goes back to, well, here's X amount of dollars. And I'm not going to be able to make X amount of dollars when I'm 35 because I'm going to have a job

in my mind because that, you know, back to where I thought. So now I must work now. So yes, I will take that and the call I have to take that because that goes along with the sponsor, uh, you know, and then my friends asked me to play a game. Well, of course I'm going to play the game because I knock two things out at once. I get to hang out with my friends and work. So, and content double, which, you know, so course. So it starts to fill out like that. And then everything is like I can always reason it back to, of course. Yes, yes, must. Yes. Yep. So, so, so good. So a couple random questions. Are you afraid of death? Mm-hmm. Do you think about death a lot? All the time.

Twice a day. Twice a day. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, you sound to me like someone who's afraid of death. So, so, um... Wait, what does that mean? You sound to me like someone who's afraid of death.

Like, I mean, everyone's a little bit afraid of death, but this sounds to be like someone who, like, thinks about it twice a day. Yeah. Okay. So, so, so, because it's kind of like this idea that like, you know, once you're gone, you can't have anything with anyone. So it's, there's a certain, like, death. to like living life.

It's like you've got to live as much life as you can before it's too late. So oddly enough, you know, one thing that you can do is work on your fear of death and as you get more comfortable with that. A lot of this stuff will actually melt away. It's weird. But there's a, there's an interesting book called the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. And there's a, there's a particular sect of monks who sort of think that all of our fears and attachments come from a fear of death. It hasn't been really my experience. I think, you know, some of our attachments come from, you know, seeing a Ush every week.

But, you know, but I think, sorry for, I just wanted to check that box or try to see if this kind of makes sense. But kind of coming back to what to do. So I want you to notice that in that chain, there's one really important thing, which is like when I'm 35, this opportunity won't be available. Yeah. And in a sense, that could be true, but like, why is that a problem? Um, because then, you know, in my mind, I'm my work, I always think protect, uh, protect yourself from the worst case scenario. So, you know, when a time when like cancel culture is very real. Um, and I've seen like a lot of my peers just like lose their jobs and stuff. I kind of like don't know what I do without my job right now or like I'm not sure how to handle it. So I kind of want to like cushion myself for like that time when I'm unemployed. So that's why. So Fuzley, I think this gets tricky. I think it's probably beyond the scope of what we can cover

because this is a whole thing that we do with like creators as a whole. Like in our, I don't know if you know this, but we have like a creator coaching program. So there's like, you know, we talk about, you know, like cancel PTSD and things like that. But we just this is where I think there's a balance between being like calculated and acknowledging that this opportunity may not last forever. and also recognizing that there is the truth of that and then there is the fear of that. Right.

And be really careful about which one is dictating your actions. Because I suspect that strategizing for it and being afraid of it that you're actually like a little bit heavier on the fear end of the spectrum. So that's what's causing you to like take too many opportunities. Yeah. And what we actually find is that like when people start to really acknowledge this, that actually their performance actually improves. Right. So it's kind of weird, but like we had a call in from an investment banker a couple,

like a week ago Monday, maybe. And it's, I've worked with a lot of investment bankers and they're so anxious about doing a good job that they do a bad job. You know, you're. Sounds familiar. Right? Because it's like I'm trying so hard. it's like, oh, got to be calm, got to be relaxed, got to sound good.

Like, got to be in a good mood. Got to crack jokes. Got to be impressive. Got to do all of it. And then, like, the more you, uh, it, like, the worse you do. And so what actually happens is like, like, what I have to train them in is like learning how to let go of doing a good job. Right?

And the more you let go of doing a good job, like, sure, you have to account. You can't, like, show up on Twitch and, like, you know, drop end bombs or like, say, like, really like of course you're going to get canceled but like the strategic thinking around avoiding getting canceled and the fear of getting canceled controlling your decisions and like letting that desperation drive you is not going to lead to like contentment happiness and living in the present it's going to lead to the rat race rat race like it's going to lead to this idea of like you know constantly on the move always got to be grinding fast forward word. Yeah, that's me. Right. And so, yeah, I mean, I think you just really got to be careful

about that decision-making process and like ask yourself, when am I giving into fear? Like, is this decision strategic or fearful? And there's always going to be a good reason to take those calls, right? And so just think a little bit about like try to block off one time where there's like no stuff during that time. And then you're going to want to move it around. And someone's going to be like, can you do this? And you're like, yeah, oh, I can do that. Yeah, absolutely. And then just be aware. Like, nope, this is my time. And you're going to have to do things that are going to feel stupid to you. Like, it's going to feel dumb. Like, I'm going to miss out on this opportunity. Yeah, going to miss out on the opportunity. Absolutely. That's the point. You need to learn how to miss out on opportunities. Yeah. And then you'll be able to be in the present. And during that time of nothingness, like, is there something I should do?

God, that's a terrible question. You're learning. You see? You see how, like, how calcified it is? Yeah. It's my first thought. Like, what do I do during that time of nothing? Yeah.

Dr. Kay, how can I make the, how can I make the most productive use of my nothing this time? How do I be the most efficient? Is there a practice? Can I meditate a particular way? Yes, yes. So notice the absurdity of it, right? It's like, what? Yeah.

How do I have the most fun during my relaxation time? Yes. Ah, it's ingrained. It is, absolutely. Right? So that's how our mind works. It's ingrained. The good news is that every time you notice it Fuzli, it gets less ingrained.

So noticing actually chips away at it. And then I will give you a practice. So let me just think about that, unless you have other questions. No, that was very helpful. Like that just that Yeah. Yeah, good. Oh!

Right? So like here's the cool thing is that when you made that realization, you weren't awing. Right? You were like, lull? That's what it is. It's like a realization that's actually calm. The harder you try, like you weren't actually paying attention, you caught it. You didn't hunt it.

Does that make sense? Yeah. That moment. And so that's what happens. Those moments of realization are not hunted. They're discovered. And there's a big difference. One is doing, one is being.

I'm just scared that like, I mean, I have to get, like, it's very easy for me to fall back into that. Like, I need you in my head to remind me. Like, you know. Yeah, yeah. So this is where Fuzli, no, you don't. You don't need me because it's okay to fall back into. to it. That's, you see out like, it's okay to fall.

Like, you're going to fall, so be it. You don't need to be perfect. That's like a slightly different thing, but it's kind of the same thing where you don't need me. You're fine just the way you are. You caught it, like I didn't point it out to you. You caught it yourself. Have faith.

Right? You'll catch it. True. Okay. So meditation. Okay, so I'm going to teach you a technique that is a little bit, um, has two parts. So one part I'm happy to teach today. And then if you do this technique for some amount of time and we do meet at a convention, I will teach you part two, but part two really shouldn't

be taught publicly. It's not like shady or anything. But other humans can be in the room. But it is something that's like a little bit more. So there are some cases of meditation induced psychosis. And meditation is not without risks. So this is a technique that like sometimes like needs to be taught like when people are ready for it. So I won't like teach it publicly. Oh. Okay. It does it doesn't have to be like late at night or like other humans can be in the room. I just don't want to teach it on stream or even I can teach you privately in a call in a video call. But there's sort of a phase one and there's a phase two. Okay. Because phase two is like really intense. But phase one is going to be a technique called Thratica, which I think would be a good fit for you. So Thratica's

fixed point gazing. So here are the reasons that I think it'll be good for you. First is that technically, it's a Shrutti technique. It's a cleansing technique. Even though we teach it as meditation, what it actually does is sort of cleanse your mind. That's the mechanism through which it works. And Thratica's fixed point gazing. So what we're going to do is teach you to stare at like one point and like just stare at it without closing your eyes. And then the reason, the long term reason I'm sort of picking this a couple of other things from a temperamental standpoint. One is that it sounds like you're actually good at focusing your attention. Like you practice, you practice this sounds like every night before you go to bed. So this is going to be practicing your attention in a slightly

different way. It's a hard technique to teach people. Like usually for introductions, I'll teach like breathing stuff because breathing is easy. It's a little bit more hardcore, it's a little bit more, uh, okay, which you're so good at. And the second thing is the second phase of this technique will start to help you work on that fear of death. Okay. So that's why I want to kind of teach So what I'm going to do is pull something up. Okay. Okay. Sorry for, you know, if I was creeping you out with all the has to be taught in private.

No, no. I didn't think it was. I just was like, what could it be? I don't know. I just, I was just, yeah, not creeped out. Let me ask you something. What do you want in your life? I know it's kind of a broad.

question. What do you want? I want. Like, can I just list off a bunch of things that I want? Yes. Go for it. Happiness, my parents' happiness to make an impact, meaningful connections to people, to be present and, yeah, and to be. secure in like financially but also just myself to accept myself um if i had to give you a choice between

power wisdom and happiness which one would you pick happiness okay perfect all right so this is what we're going to do i'm going to show you i'm going to screen share something with you okay uh how am i going to do this. We're going to do DG. Let's see if this works. Nope. So we're not going to see your, well, we'll just stick with this one. Okay. So then what I'm going to do, we're going to move this over here. So, and then share. Can you see this? Yes. Okay. So this is what I want you to do. So what we're going to do is look at, um, So I want you to, I'm going to ask you to focus your eyes on the red dot in the center. Do you see the red dot in the center? Yep. Okay. So I'll explain the practice first.

So what we're going to do is try to look at the red dot in the center without blinking. And then what I'm going to have you do is rotate your attention to different things. So I'll ask you like what colors you see in particular places. But I don't want you to change where your eyes are looking. I want you to keep your eyes focused on the red dot, but then kind of answer my questions. Okay. Okay.

So a couple of things about Thratica. So, you know, there's going to be a little bit of a strain on the eyes. If it starts to get like really unbearable, you can go ahead and close them. But we're going to do our best not to blink and not to close our eyes. Okay. We're going to try to not blink for about 60 seconds to begin with. You may end up blinking, which is okay. You can do a quick blink and then open them again and then.

keep looking. Okay. Okay. So start by closing your eyes, sitting up straight, and take a deep breath and another. Just take a moment, just keep breathing deeply. Take a moment to just sort of notice that the conversation has been pretty animated. We've talked about a lot of stuff. Maybe there's a lot to think about, whatever. Notice just all those kind of thoughts, all these desires, goals, or whatever, just kind of notice the energy of the conversation. And that now we're going to kind of recalibrate and just for a few moments, we're going to be completely encompassed by our practice. And that the stream and the rest of the world will kind of continue onward outside of our bubble,

but that for a few moments, like 60 seconds, 90 seconds, maybe two or three minutes, we're just going to try to be inside this bubble. And now when you're ready, open your eyes and then stare at the red dot. Are you looking? Yes. So now what I want you to do is tell me while you're staring at the red dot, what is the outermost color of the image? Yellow. Okay.

And what is the next color inside the yellow? Green. And then inside that. Yellow. And inside that. Blue. And inside that. Yellow.

And inside that? Yellow. Okay, so now what I want you to do is go all the way, look at each color, put your attention on each color on your own, just like I'm asking you. And notice the color and then move in and move in and move in at your own pace. And try to keep all of your kind of like keep your eyes focused on the dot and let your concentration collapse inward towards the dot one layer at a time. This is very difficult. Yes, it is. So move at your own pace.

It's okay. It's really hard. I can't do this. So then go close. Okay, closer to the screen? No, no, no, no. Just look at the red dot. Just put all of your attention now on the red dot.

Okay. Okay, just stare at the red dot. And then look at the color that is closest to the red dot. What do you see? Yellow. And what's the color outside of that? Green. And then?

Black. And then? Red. And then? Blue. Now go back in. Um, red. Mm-hmm.

Black. Mm-hmm. Green. Mm-hmm. Yellow, red. And now let yourself just rest on the red. Just focus fully. drive your attention towards it.

Focus on it. Do your best not to blink. We're going to try to go for 10 more seconds. And now close your eyes. And what I want you to do is notice the after image. Do you see the after image? Yes. Just look at it.

Just let yourself see what's there. Let your breathing relax. And we'll just meditate silently. and you can just focus on the image for about another minute. You may start to notice it kind of fading away. No problem. Let it go. See if you can find it.

If you can't focus on your breathing, it's not so much about finding or holding as it is waiting for it to appear. And now we're going to take three deep breaths. Breathe in for three seconds and out for three seconds. in for three and out for five and in for three and out for seven. Nice slow exhalation.

As you finish your breath, put your palms together in front of you. Rub them together and then cup your hands, your palms over your eyes. And while your palms are over your eyes, go ahead and open. And then let your hands come down. How are you feeling? Yeah, that was hard. That was hard. I wasn't sure what to expect from that the picture.

So I thought in the beginning, I thought that I didn't like it, the colors all start to turn to gray. So I was like, oh, oh, like I thought, well, in my mind, I have, it's like my eyes. I have something that there's something wrong with my eyes. So I was like trying to blink to clear it. But it would work. but I realized after I realized that I'm sort of supposed to struggle there, then I was able to let that go and focus more. After closing my eyes, the image was very vivid,

and I could point out every color backwards. Or like, they weren't the same colors, but I could point out the negatives, I suppose. And then like clear as day. And then as I struggled to see it more, it would fade. And when I'd relax, it would show up again. And so it was kind of like, the more I wanted it, the less I could have it. And then if I just, yeah.

Perfect. So this is a technique to train you to learn how to find what you're looking for by not looking. Right? So do this technique. And like, yeah, that's what we're looking for. Right? Because you'll begin, like literally your brain will learn how to like let go and like let things come. Right. And the last thing I'll leave you with Fuzli, you are where you are because of your hard work. But you're really where you are because you let things come. Right. Like I don't know if you went out and hunted for Edison, you know, but not at all.

You let him come. Oh, God. It's like the, like, you know, like, as I was doing the yoga talk, I was doing the yoga talk, you can't blame me for it. That's fine. It's the natural thing to say. Yes, it is. It is. No, and I was thinking about it that way that I was thinking about it in the other way.

And then, and then I, okay. No, but really, right? Like, I mean, like you allow things to. I can't, I can't. Yes. You know what I mean. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. I didn't go looking for him at all. Right. Stumble. That's a good word. Right? Like so you just let him stumble into your life.

And like that's what you like like life is like just let it stumble into you, you know? You don't need to go looking for it so hard. Fantastic. So do this practice. I'd say, you know, start with 60 seconds. You can work your way up to like three minutes, five minutes. If you want an alternative, you can also look at a candle flame. And if you look at a candle flame like what you can do is like, you know, you can just

see the colors in the room and then work your way in. And so oddly enough, really Fusley, it's not about getting it right. Like that's the other thing that you can learn to let go of just like you did. Like no one, you know, there's not great. There's no grades. What you're really practicing is just the struggle of attention and then letting go. Right? So it's not actually about the colors. Are you going to send the photos? Yeah, I'll send you. It's called a shri-a-anthra, but yes, I will send you a photo. I will send you. your photo. So other thing is I would recommend that you print it out or you can like order them on Amazon or something. So ideally you're not looking at a screen because that does all kinds of other

things to your brain. But I was I will send you the photo. Okay. Okay. Yes. Thank you very much. Thank you. That was, that was amazing. I'm like, I'm like thinking so much about things and and I didn't even, I like the direction it took. Yeah, me too. Yeah, because those are things that I think on a every single day basis I struggle with like just find like just trying to squeeze the juice out of out of life every moment and I'm always like how can I be the most efficient do this do this do this and chasing that and like and all that so that was great so fantastic thank you for your time thank you yeah it was great to meet you and and yeah thank you thank you thanks bye bye