HealthyGamerGG - Talking with Jade-Anh

Episode Date: June 8, 2020

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Okay. Hey. Hi. How are you? I'm good. And you? I'm doing well. Um, so what should I, what do you go by? What should I call you? Uh, jade is fine. Jade is jade. Okay. Yeah. How can I call you? Dr. Kay? Yeah, Allokor, Dr. Kay. K, whatever feels more comfortable to you. That's fine. Are you well? I'm sorry? I'm nervous. I'm so nervous. Yeah, me too. What are you nervous about? I don't know. Like I often talk about like how's like topics that we might talk about today, but I never talk with someone on stream about them. Doesn't make sense. Yeah, sure. So and what are the topics that we might talk about today?

Uh, could be anything from mental health to anxiety to trauma. I don't know. Like I've seen clips of yours and usually those are like the topics. So I'm expecting those. What do you want to talk about? What do I want to talk about? Well, okay, can you maybe talk about what you should do on stream? Like how the process of it?

Sure. Okay. The process of. So, okay, so stream usually starts, I try to start on time. Like at 12 or 1201 or 1202. And then usually the first five to ten minutes involves me trying to fix a technical difficulty because I'm a boomer. And I tell you what, Jade, I literally do not understand this. Like, I swear to God, there's some kind of curse.

Like, I'm not that incompetent. Because here's the thing that I don't understand. So I have a computer and I have a microphone. And every time I turn on the computer, like the desktop is the same. Every time I load a video game, it's not like my mouse stops. working. So my understanding is that if I open stream labs and it's configured and I haven't touched anything, it should work the exact same way as it did the day before. Right. Like I have this microphone and this microphone is the same fucking microphone that I've been using for like two

months. And then today I log on and it's like static. And I do not understand how that works. So I spend the first 10 minutes trying to figure out why the fuck I'm so incompetent. And Twitter chat usually you know, enjoys that and or we have some fun with it. And then I give a little disclaimer. I have some kind of spiel where I usually like, so I'm an academic. And so I tend to like to hear myself talk. So I usually talk at my audience for about 15 to 20 minutes about what's on my mind. And then we have an interview with a human being. And then I ask the human being if there's some way that I can be helpful. And I have a background in, you know, so I studied for a monk to become a monk for about seven years. A monk? Yeah. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, it's cool. And then I met my wife and so

things got confusing. I mean, I met her before the end of seven years. So, so, you know, I met her actually three months, three months in of the seven years I met my wife. And then was thinking, was planning on becoming a monk and so studied a lot of like yoga and meditation and spirituality and stuff. And then she is a wonderful person, but also wanted to be married to a doctor. So I decided to go to medical school. And then- No way. Yeah, kind of.

And so then, you know, I did neuroscience research for a couple of years and then studied like basically the brain psychology and medicine for another eight years. and then now I show up on stream and I talk to a human and then I try to use anything from that 15 years that I've learned to try to help them with any kind of problem that they're having. Okay. That's cool. Like super interesting.

I think so too. I think so too. Like everything together sounds like you should write a book maybe one day or make someone write a book for you. I mean, it's worth it. Yeah. I mean, yeah, sure. I try to write, I'm trying to write like five books.

That's great. That's great. But anyway. Yeah. I'm glad you found my story interesting. Can you tell me a little bit about yourself? Okay. I'm Jade.

I grew up in Germany, born a race team, lived for two years in Thailand, but now I'm back due to Corona. I wanted to be for my family. And I started streaming on Twitch around two. years ago. Okay. But I really got like into the community since December. Before that, I just did my own thing. I wasn't really associating with any other streamers. And what I stream is basically mainly just chatting. If I have a PC, like right now, I try to game. And, uh, yeah, I just do just chatting. And, and when you say you, you weren't really a part of the community and until December,

What is that, how does one become a part of the community? What does that mean? I would say like not community, but like associating with other streamers. Like before that I didn't know any other streamers. I didn't text with any streamers. And in December around that time period, I got to know other streamers. And that's how I slowly got into the hole. And now I'm stuck.

The lifestyle fell whole. Oh, ah. And tell me about. about the live stream fail hole? It starts usually with one, two clips that are like really funny. And then people want to see more. And then there's more clips out of context that are not as funny, that are just really drama, creating clips.

And then you kind of stuck there because all your clips keep being posted there and you can't do anything against it really. And how does that feel? I feel helpless because I contacted the. the mods of the Reddit, the subreddit, but they don't care, obviously, because clips and views, I mean, upwards downwards, like, that's all it matters, not how the people actually feel. Why do you care what's posted there?

Because those people eventually end up on my stream, and it's hard to, like, stream and then seeing all the negativity in there. Although, I must say from Reddit, specifically, I got a bunch of viewers who are really nice, just there are you individuals who make it hard for me. How do they make it hard for you? And this is what we do on stream, by the way. Yeah, I notice. I see what you do. It's like the things they're right in chat are really hurtful,

because, I mean, I can't blame that they see one thing about me. They don't know anything about me. And then they react accordingly to what I say. Okay. So, yeah. And what are they, what is the slice of you or the thing that's taken out context that they react to. It's mostly and only very sexual, the things I say.

Okay. Really random sexual things. Like you say random, the sexual things that are taken out of context? Yeah. Yes, yes, yes. Wait, wait. You say random sexual things that are taken out of context. And I mean, it's altogether like something sexual, but they did take like one part of it.

I see. and like, which looks really, really bad. And I can't, like, I mean, it does. But, yeah, I can't really defend myself here. It's what it is. Sorry about that. No, I'll, okay. So, and so is there, so it sounds like it's pretty stressful for people to, you know,

for people to take things that you say out of context. And it does sound like you talk about sex or sexuality in some form on your stream. Okay. And that gets taken out of context and then it's kind of stressful because you're trying to fight against a false perception of yourself. Right. I mean, I don't want to fight against the fact that I am like always horny or like someone perverted. It's just the way they make it always seem like is that I say, they may not say those things. Okay, maybe I should throw in something I'm hypersexual. is something that I've been since 2016.

What does that mean? I had a sexual trauma, like sexual violence against me. And since then, in order to cope with that, I started to become sexual in order to normalize what happened to me back then. And now it became like a,

unfortunately it became of a trait of mine, like being always sexual. I'm talking in the loop. Do that make sense? Yeah, you make perfect sense. I'm just trying to follow what you're saying. Okay. No, I'm not sure if I follow what I say. No, so Jade, let me just tell you another thing that I do. Sometimes I like, I will just not say anything because I'm processing. And then I may actually ask you for time to think

about what I say. And that is also a meme where I'll just ask people like, can I just think for a second? Okay, cool. But, but you can keep going. So you were saying that you had a sexual trauma that happened in 2016. Do you mind if I ask, I know generally speaking, it's an impolite question to ask so you don't have to answer it, but can you tell me like ballpark how old you are? Oh, I was 16. You were 16. So you're 20 now?

Yes. Okay. That's very young to, okay. Okay. So, oh. Hold on. What is happening? Okay.

Okay. Sorry. Someone is remote desktoping in. maybe they need to fix something that I'm not aware of but okay um sorry about that so you were saying you are you are you were so you're hypersexual as a result of sexual trauma um yes and and so what do you mean by what does hypersexual mean uh and and oh god um okay so basically to simplify it it's just my thoughts and fantasy my thoughts and sexual fantasies

hold me back in life. Like I sabotage myself because I act impulsively on my sexual needs. And my thoughts are usually most of the time to always on sex and well what comes with it. And it's something I try to get rid of really

because sometimes I have it at the most inappropriate moments like at the funeral, which is really bad. It's just I can't get rid of it. It's like, my mind is stuck. And I really try because I noticed that me being like that makes people uncomfortable. And yeah, I'm really working on that. Okay.

So let me ask you, have you seen a mental health professional, like a psychiatrist or therapist? Yeah, I've seen six, seven with, I was actually at the mental asylum, not a mental asylum, mental hospital. with that is seven because it was, but it was more than one specialist, but I'd take it in one category, so seven. Okay. And so you've seen seven while you were in the hospital,

or like you're talking about before and after? No, no, like six altogether. And like when I was in the hospital, like that time, I take a snubber seven, even though it was more than one. Yeah. And so six therapists,

have they been helpful? Have any of them been helpful? One. one was helpful the rest that one person was helpful I don't know like the way they put a lot of things in my mind

I didn't think about beforehand which made me worry more and more okay but the one that helped me was the one who was to say it straightforward he was like an asshole he was straightforward he didn't care about my feelings and that's exactly what I needed and he said basically if you

back then I was was a I was in the asylum because I tried to take my life. Not asylum. I keep saying asylum, mental hospital. And he basically said, so you don't want to be here anymore. And me back then super dramatic, no. And he said then, so how would you like the idea of you being buried and your siblings would be around your grave? And that like that image made me realize that I don't want to die. Yeah, it was tough. I was there 17. My arms were open and I was was just really blank and I had only one fart, which was I don't want to be here anymore. And then after he said that, I just, I realized I can't do this. I can't leave them behind.

So. Do you remember why you didn't want to be alive? Yeah. Yes, I do. Can you feel comfortable talking about that? Yeah, yeah, that's why I'm here. Like, I'm, in general, I'm always comfortable about talking anything and everything because I hope by me being open about it.

that someone will see it and eventually open up and up. I had a depression since I've been eight, and I always had like this constant sadness. Like this, in order, how should I say it? Every time I was sad, I thought it would better to hurt myself because the pain would be better than the feelings I feel. And it was always the sadness wherever I would be. And then bad fix happened like in 2016 or when I was younger,

like all together those felt so heavy and I felt like a burden because I could see my parents always worried they always had this worry in their eyes like when they asked my siblings how are they they say how are they like how are you but in my case every time I felt like when they asked me how I am it was more like checking like am I stable am I mentally okay and I just really felt like a burden constantly so at some point I thought like let's just get it over with and do you still feel like a burden today? Not as much. Sometimes.

Emotionally, I feel like a burden to them, but not like me or my own money. I'm in that way. I'm independent. But like emotionally, I do think that I weight them down sometimes. And, yeah, it's, I don't know. It's like when parents hide from their children that they cry because I don't want them to feel worried, that's how I feel like. No, I don't want to be emotional around them anymore because I'm afraid that they will worry again. Can I think for a second?

Yes. Okay. Because someone is remote desktoping and it's distracting. So they're trying to, I think, fix something. But let me just think. The therapist who is helpful was the one that you saw when you were in the hospital? No, that was the one after the hospital. And why did you stop seeing them?

Because I felt I don't want a long-term thing. I want someone who helps me like for a couple. of moms and then I'm done. Like I, back then I was just really edgy like, oh, I just want to party. Like, what's the point of going every Wednesday there? And after you said, I felt like, okay, I don't need him anymore. I don't want to die anymore. So I was like, okay, I'm done.

But that was just foolish. What I need? Yeah. What do you mean? Fundamentally, there's nothing really I need. It's just always like in moments, like where you want like someone to cry on a shoulder, or like a hug, like simple things like this in moments when I need it. But like right now, no, I don't need anything.

Maybe if I do, but right now I wouldn't know what to say, to be honest, because there's nothing really right now in my mind. I need that. Yeah, so I think that's a problem. It is? Yes. So I'm going to just toss this out. So I think what I'm hearing from you is that your perception of your needs depend on individual

states of mind. But I think you need something. How can I say this? I think you need something right now because I don't get the sense that you're well. Right? So you may be functional and you may actually be like 80% healthy or 90% healthy, but it still sounds like you have a particular function of your mind, which is out of your control.

And what it sounds like when you try to fix something is when you perceive that something is broken. Does that make sense? Yeah. And I think that's a problem because just because you don't perceive it's broken doesn't mean that it isn't broken and that it can't be worked on. Hold on. My mind is. So let me put it this way. I get the sense that what, so like you deal with fire.

whenever they start. So like your house starts burning, like it catches on fire, then you take a bucket of water and you're like, I don't, then you put out the fire, right? Makes sense. But what I'm getting the sense of is that your, your house maybe catches fire pretty frequently. And so even though you only need water when it catches fire, there may be some value to working on yourself in between the times that your house is burning so that it doesn't catch fires often. Right. What do you think about that? And sorry, because I didn't explain it very well, but. Did you understand what I was trying to say? I mean, I didn't understand somewhat, but I didn't really see it like that at all. Like, I didn't feel like, I didn't think that I give off the presence that I am not okay. And when I'm not okay, that I fix it immediately just and then okay again. This makes sense. Yeah. So, but is that what you, like basically you try to become okay when you're not okay?

Um, that I wouldn't even say, okay, let's say it. what means okay, like emotionally okay or altogether? Like, what do you understand under being okay? Yeah, so let me even take a step back. Okay. So are you happy with who you are right now in the way that your life is? Oh, no. I think I can approve.

Okay. What do you wish was different about your life? Above my life specifically, maybe my living situation, because I had like, again, like I mentioned, I lived in Thailand. Now I'm back in Germany, but I currently living with my grandparents, which is awesome. I love them, but I want my own life kind of back. So that's like one part that I would like to change. Are you happy as a person? Sometimes. Like, I do have my moments and like, yeah, I'm good. Okay. I think I'm rubbing up against the same thing, but I just don't know exactly how to.

Hold on. Sorry. This is very confusing because someone's on my desktop again. So, okay, let me just think about this for a second. Okay. Let's keep talking. I'm going to try to piece this together in my mind as we talk. So you say you're happy sometimes. Yeah, but I think it's normal, no? Like you have you bad times, you good times. Yeah. Yeah. So some people have a sense. of overall contentment or happiness that is not an emotion. Here we go. Okay. So there are two, when I say the word happy, there are two things that I'm referring to. One is an emotion and an emotion is something that you experience in the present.

And the second is like an overall sense of like contentment with your life. Okay. Okay. So my answer to that is I don't think so. I think so is. I agree. you're talking about so so I

the overall state the over state of my life yeah and and so then when I ask you and some of this could be a language barrier but when I ask you you know what do you feel like you need and when you say nothing I feel like you need something because I don't think that your overall

sense of contentment is there and that something needs to be worked on or changed for you to feel overall happy and content with your life okay now I understand okay then let's go back to the question, what do I need? I feel like what I mostly need is a sense of progress, because I feel like the past weeks I haven't had any progress whatsoever.

As a matter of fact, I feel like I took a huge step back in life. Is something happened over the past few weeks? No, well, months in that case. It's actually been quite a while. But again, I have to go back to the thing where I lived in Thailand, and I actually bid my life there for two years, and then something happened. like having my own life and just going back to my old life that really took a toll on me okay

and yeah and so i need progress in life that's but it's a little bit difficult because i actually planned on taking that step by perhaps staying away in america but now i can't obviously so i'm like a little bit like that's my issue i made like a goal like oh and free moms are going to america and then i'm going to do this and this but now because of due to covid and the well the other issues that are going on right now. I can't do that. So I had to, again, do a step back. And now I feel like I'm stuck in my old life.

Can you tell me about what your old life is like? Well, living in my city, which is a beautiful city. My family is here. I'm happy to have I'm across with my family. But I left the city my home for a reason. Why did you leave your home? Because I connect with this place. sadness.

I'm sad in living in my city, living in Germany, maybe altogether. What makes you say about living in your city? The people, the memories, the... What memories are sad? A lot of... Okay, I don't want to do the victim card, because I have done things in life that are not okay. But... No, I'm just saying, when I've said now things like,

oh, betrayal and like pain. Like, sounds like I always got pain, but I also did things that were not okay. But I'm, yeah, what I can't. Hold on. I asked you what makes you sad. Yes. And I wanted to say, but I wanted to say, like,

the pain I got while living here and the amount of times have been betrayed and lied to and like, like in general, it's more negative feelings that I have connected to my home than positive. Yeah, but if I felt... Why did you feel the need to say, I don't want to play the victim card? Because it's like right now, the way I talk, it sounds like I'm really... Like, I'm being a victim, but I don't want to be a victim.

I don't want to make it sound like that. It's just, I can't say it any differently because that's how I feel. So... Why do you feel like this is being made... Why do you think you sound like a victim? Because all I do right now is like complain and complain. And only like I've only talk about negative things right now. I don't know.

You mean right now is in over the course of this conversation? Yeah. It makes you feel like really like, oh, pity me. Like I don't want to. Do you think I'm pitying you? No, like that's how I feel about myself and hear myself talk. I agree. that's so so let's just look at that for a second yeah so you have a perception hold on sorry

there's i'm trying to give birth to a thought and i'm trying to make it so i want you to notice that when you start to talk about your pain there is a part of your mind that invalidates or devalues your experience. Do you see that? Yeah, I do. I feel like that's significant, but I'm not quite sure how or why. Do you have any idea how that could be significant? No.

Okay. Maybe you need another thought baby. I do need another thought baby. Would it be okay if you... Are you a victim? No. I don't see myself as a victim. What do you see yourself as?

I wouldn't, I don't know if I can label myself, to be honest. Well, you see yourself as something because it's not a victim. No, not even, I just know I'm not, and I'm not a victim. I don't know exactly, well, light. I don't know exactly what I am, but to that question, I'm, no, I'm not. So, so, so, okay. Okay. All right, so this is, I think.

I don't know how to label. No, no, no, no, no, it's great. No. So, Jade, I think I get it, right? So let me put it this way. Your sense of identity is built on the idea that you are not a victim. That's what your identity is. Yeah, I'll take it.

Right? So, like, that seems weird to me in some way. I'm not quite sure why. I'm not saying you're ill or anything. So let me, let me say a couple. You want to say something? You look like you want to say something. No, it's just maybe I have this mind like saying that I'm not a victim is because when I look at other people's, when they talk the way I talk.

the way I talk about what I just mentioned and everything. People always label them as victims or like survivors. And so I just wanted to, I don't know. That's how it's like online. Like for example, the Me Too movement and there people call them survivors and victims and so on. And that's why I said like I'm not that after mentioning everything I mentioned. What's wrong with being that? There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

It's just that's not how I see myself. So what's wrong with you seeing yourself that way? Dad, I don't know. It's just it doesn't sit with me, right? What doesn't sit with you? So if I were to say, Jade, I think you are a victim. Mm-hmm. It sounds so, it sounds weak to me. Not that being a victim is weakness. It's just again. No, no, no, no, no, no, it is. Hold on. Let's be clear about what you're saying, okay? How do you feel right now? You feel okay?

I feel cornered. I see that. I'm sorry. by you and the sun that won't get the sun is I've recruited the sun to shine in your face okay so so I get that you feel cornered

so let's just talk about that for a second yes what are we doing that's making you feel cornered maybe it's because so far we haven't come to not that I want a conclusion it's usually you talk about something then you come to a conclusion but we keep jumping and jumping and I feel like

overwhelmed with the range of topics we've been already talking about. So I apologize for that. No, it's, that's, that's not, it's not a bad thing. Like, it came from me as well. Like, I jumped also, so. Sure. But can I apologize for it?

No, I don't think that. Yes, of course. Can't. Let's think about it for a second. Yes, yes, yes, yes, of course. You can apologize. Okay. Do you forgive me?

Yeah. Cool. Cool. Thank you. So I'll try to jump around a little bit less. And I wonder if you're feeling cornered because I'm looking at something that you makes you uncomfortable. Like all of this talk, I've gotten the sense that you felt cornered since we started talking about your identity as a victim or not a victim. Yes, because I never thought about that topic. Like the other things we talked about came up to my mind, but that specifically I'm prepared, you could say.

So I really got to. Yeah. So let's talk about that for a second. So I think usually the way in which I try to help people is by not talking about what they understand, but talking about what they don't understand. And I do think that it makes sense to me. Like, for example, I haven't asked you a whole lot about your sexual perversions and stuff like that because I think you get that stuff. And the cool thing is that you're, that looks really uncomfortable. the sun is almost gone.

Okay. So, so in a sense, Jade, because you have thought about that and talked about all that stuff, you're able to actually explain it to me very, like, succinctly. And then, like, I feel comfortable moving on because, like, you actually understand all that stuff. Yes. And I do think that what we're running up against is, okay, so while we wait for the sun, I'm going to compose my thoughts. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Give me just, give me a minute. Okay. I'm ready. So, you know, this is going to make sense. It's not going to make any sense at all. Then we have to go back to the drawing board. Okay. Okay. Okay. So something happened to you when you were 16, right? Yes. And then you say that you're not a victim. Right? Yeah. Okay. So like, so, like, so, when I asked you, like, who are you? You're like, I don't know, but I'm not a victim. So I think your sense of identity is built around the fact that you are not a victim. Like, that's who you are. It's like, it's a sense of identity that's built around negative space. It's not like I am this. It's what I am is not this.

And then when I ask you like, okay, like what's wrong with being a victim? And then you say, well, like being a victim is weak. And then you do something very simple, like very tricky. And then you say, other victims aren't weak, but I'm weak if I'm a victim. You don't blame other people for, like, being victims if they're sexually assaulted. But you don't get to blame yourself if you were sexually assaulted. You see how you do that? Because you don't think other people are weak, but you think yourself is weak if you are a victim.

Yeah. Right? And then what happens is like, there's something weird because if you were sexually assaulted and you're a, if there's a victim, there's a perpetrator. right? There's a criminal. And for that relationship to exist, if someone is a victim, it's not their fault. It's the other person's fault, right? And so then the question becomes, if you're not a victim, then whose fault is it? I, maybe. Hold on. Who is responsible for what happened to you when you were 16? I think both parties, me and the person who did it to me.

Okay. How do you feel like you're responsible? There were rules, like, that I didn't get on. Like, there were rules you shouldn't be out that long. And I went out longer than that, longer than the curfew. And I drank, so I was drunk, and I broke the rules. That's how I got into the situation. So that's why I feel like I definitely am to blame here.

Okay. As well. Can I think about that for a second? Yeah. Actually, first, let me take a step back. What did you think about what I shared earlier about, like, what happened to you and like sort of the identity of being a non-victom? It made me sound like a hypocrite, kind of, like the way, like, after you think that, it definitely see how, what a hypocrite. I am being...

Well, so I... So I'd be careful. So I wouldn't use the word hypocrite, but I understand what you mean. So this is what I would say. I think you hold yourself to a different standard than you hold other people.

What do you think about that? Right? Sure. Is that what you mean by a hypocrite? Like, you judge yourself differently from the way that you judge other people. I mean, yeah. Do you believe that that's true?

I do hold myself different than other people. That's true. I have a different opinion. Let's say someone, who has the same experience as I do, I will still judge it differently than I judge myself. Yeah. And so the reason I wouldn't quite call it a hypocrite is because I think a hypocrite tends to judge themselves unfairly in like a positive way. Whereas I think you actually are the opposite of hypocrite, which is that sure you have a double standard, but you're harder on yourself

than you are on other people. What do you think about that? I've never really noticed till now. I mean, what would you say, though? So let's think about it now. I mean, yeah. Just judging by the example that we just have with me saying I'm weak and daughters aren't, it does sound like I'm harder myself. Like I'm my biggest critic.

But I like to be that. I like to be my biggest critic, my biggest hater. So others can't be. Doesn't make sense. Yeah, it makes a lot. There we go. There it is. Okay. Oh.

What? It sounded like there came a thought to sum like everything up. Like, there it is. Like, oh. Yeah. I mean, I'm sorry. I felt like that was a very significant statement. What do you think?

I, I don't, I'm really, I'm not sure about anything I say right now. Okay. That's okay. Maybe I'm relying too much on your thoughts right now, too. in order to understand mine. That's, which is maybe too much pressure. I think that's probably true. Yeah, okay.

That's also a good observation. How are you feeling right now, Jade? I can imagine you're feeling quite uncomfortable. No, not uncomfortable. Of course, we talk about things I've never really considered or came up to my mind. Like, it's new. That's all.

Yeah, good. Yeah. So it's foreign. Yes, absolutely. So what did you say? You say you like to blame yourself more than why are you so harsh on yourself? Oh, okay, this is stupid. But do you know the movie pitch perfect?

No. There's this girl called Fat Amy. And she basically calls her name. She calls herself Fat Amy, so other people can call it fat. And after watching a movie, something in my mind was like, that makes sense. So I became like that as well. I judged myself harder. I in general, like always see like the negative things first.

And then perhaps a positive. Mm-hmm. So, yeah. So I think you said something in it. I think you said it beautifully that you like to, you know, put yourself down or blame yourself so that other people can't hurt you more than you can hurt yourself. Yes.

What do you think about that? That's toxic. Yeah, it is. And also it is not stupid. Okay? So I know I agree with you that it's toxic. But there's something very, very adaptive about it. So here's, here are the two scenarios.

Okay. So I think it's very important for you to do that for yourself right now. and I then let me explain to you why okay so I'm going to need a second to collect my thoughts again so I'm going to lay out two scenarios for you okay there's one world in which you don't know if you're a good person or a bad person and maybe people will treat you with love and maybe people will treat you with hate and that's a scary world to go to live in because you don't know what's going to happen when you step outside your door. You could get hugged and you could get punched.

And that's fucking terrifying. There's another world in which I wake up every morning and I punch myself in the face and I survive that. And then I know that when I step outside, no one out there can hurt me in a way that I won't be able to survive because I've already hit myself and I can survive. so nothing that the world can send me is going to knock me down. Because I've already done it to myself. Which world do you think is safer?

The second. Absolutely. Why? Because there's nothing unexpected. I already know. Absolutely. Yeah. So the thing is, Jade, what you need is courage.

You need courage to, entertain the possibility that you could live in the first world, right? Because it's scary because you don't know how people are going to treat you. And so if you beat yourself up and you know you can survive that, then you have nothing to fear from the rest of the world. Does that make sense? It's like fear becomes a non-issue because you're already doing the worst to yourself that can possibly be done. And so it's like no big deal. No big deal. You have nothing to worry about. You can go out. You can be happy some days. You can be sad some days.

But as long as you're beating the shit out of yourself every day, you can enjoy a wonderful sandwich or be disappointed. But as long as you're beating the crap out of yourself, people can hate you on Twitch. People can love you on Twitch. You can deal with their criticism because at the end of the day, nothing they can do is worse than what you do to yourself. And if you can survive what you do to yourself,

you can survive what they're going to do to you. what do you think about that oh that sounds like i really have to step out of my comfort zone okay so so be careful jade so you took one step ahead you said what you need to do about it i'm not asking what you need to do about it no that's what i need to do that that's what i need to do that that's what i think about that yeah i know i know that you think this mindset this state is safe but not good necessarily. What do you...

Do you think that the mind... Not both are really optimal. Let's say it like this. But maybe I should, let's say, like in a fun way, switch it up a little bit. Sure. So I think that that makes sense. But I don't even want you to talk about what you should do. Okay.

So I'm asking, so I presented to you a possibility of what could be true about your life and the way that you look at yourself. Before we figure out whether how to fix it, what I'd first like to understand, because sometimes I'm wrong about this shit. So like, does that resonate with you? Like, we can talk about how to fix it later, but is that right? Or like, off base, or I mean, and I don't really say it's right or wrong. It's just, it's good to know. Doesn't make sense. Like, do you think it applies? Good to have in mind. Um, I'm the first scenario where, like, the, the scenario where I hit myself every morning and I go out and that, that one, sure.

the other one. I'm not 100% sure. What's the other one? The punching and the hugging. Okay. Yeah. So I don't think you do that the first one. I think you do the second one. Yes. I think the second one describes how you view yourself and why. Yeah. Like it's like it goes back, like you're incredibly invalidating towards yourself. Yeah. No, it's just the courage part got me that I need to just be more courageous. Just be more... Like, at least courageous, like in general. Like, that stuck with me throughout the whole topic we just had.

The word courage just throughout that. Okay. So that bothers me a little bit. So I'm going to run something by Jade. I'm really going to need your help. And I'm sorry because this is super weird hypothetical abstract stuff. So, okay. So try to run with me.

Let me see if I, see if you, can follow me. And if you can't, I apologize because it's, it's going to be hard to explain. I'm wondering if you latched on to the only part that is where you're lacking. Like, so I basically said, there's one thing that is wrong with Jade, and that's she needs more courage. And that's the one thing that you ran towards. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does. Are you just piggybacking on the idea that I picked the one flaw and you're saying, yes, I can get behind the flaw, because Jade needs to be better. Do you see that? Am I? No, I see that. I see that. Absolutely. Right? It's weird, right? Because you're like, you're kind of piling on to like, oh yeah, like, oh, sure. There's something wrong with me? Absolutely.

I can get behind that. That's what I'm hearing from you in a weird way. Yeah. So I don't think that that's actually helpful. Because that's you, that's you hitting yourself again because you're saying, oh, I'm not courageous enough. I'm weak. Sometimes I see. Are you familiar with like games and like skill trees where you have like abilities and you have to. And I just saw right now that I leveled up view skill trees and the courage one I didn't level up enough. So maybe I went there and tried to level up that one as quick as possible.

Even though I there might be other skill trees I need to level up first. That's how I just saw maybe right now. Like oh, that I, that needs level up. Yeah. So my point is that your mind is going to look at whichever skill tree, you're the worst at. And falling into the trap of like me not being. So the other way we can think about it is I need courage.

I'm going to translate that as I'm not good enough. Does that make sense? And so like I think a core part of your identity is the belief that you're not good enough. That other people deserve to be victims, but you don't. That other people can afford to take a day off if they've been sexually assaulted at the age of 16. but if you do that, you're weak. So I think you're very quick to pile on to any deficiency,

which I point out to you. But I want to be really careful because I don't want to let you get away with that. And that's also why I don't care about what you want to do to fix it because you're always looking about, I don't think you need to fix anything. What do you think about that?

I mean, in general, I don't think I need necessarily. fixing either. It's more like about improvement that I want. Like, I don't know. I feel like I can improve myself. What do you think is wrong with yourself? Anything?

Yeah, there are a few things. But of course, it can. So I just throw randomly out what I can improve or? Sure. Prognating. Okay. Yeah, that's. Okay.

That's why I was asking, like, are you sure I can throw out? No, no, I'm glad because I'm glad you threw that out because I was trying to get a sense of whether that's, I think that that's, I agree with you that all that stuff you can improve. I don't think that that's what we're talking about. What, what? Oh, you mean like emotional improvement or. Sure. Let me just think. Can I think for a second? Yes. Do you have questions for me? I mean, I always, every time you ask me something, I want to ask it back, but I don't know if it's like. Yeah? Yeah. Okay, not right now, but like in the future. Please, oh God, please. Ask. Good, good. Okay, I'm glad.

I'm glad because I wasn't sure if I will touch, like, your emotional boundaries or I don't know. Ask away. Okay. It's all good. Good. In the future. Touch my emotional boundaries, meaning, do you want to ask me like personal questions about myself? Well, when you ask something personal, sometimes I felt like, what do you feel about, like, how do you feel about it?

Or do you, can you, did you ever experience something like that? That's, like, when I ask back. But then I remember that. I don't know. Like, you can ask. Go for it. It's a different,

difficult. Go for it, homie. Okay. No, then. Hmm. I'm trying to figure out whether this is helping you or not. What do you think? This, our talk?

Yeah. Okay. Helping is a big word. It is a big word. It gives me somewhat clarification about, like, things I didn't know I needed to focus on. Like, it's interesting to talk about things that never came up to my mind. So it's just very educational, all of this. But, yeah, yeah.

You really don't like the idea. You're okay. You're completely fine focusing on something, but you're really not okay fixing something, are you? Fixing. And I mean, I didn't come here to fix something. Maybe that's why maybe that's why I'm not focused on that right now. Do you think it's okay to need to be fixed?

Yeah, it's okay. I don't know necessarily. Like all together is okay to be fixed, absolutely. Do you think you're allowed to be broken? Yes. Good. I guess I was afraid for a moment that like you were moving away from,

like it was like the same thing where you won't let yourself be a victim. No, I think it's okay. Okay, good. That makes me think that you aren't broken. Hmm. Really? Wow. Yeah. So I think the capacity to accept that you could be broken and that it's okay to be broken

is a sign that you're not broken. Oh, that's actually interesting. What's interesting about that? that that's when you're broken and you realize you're broken that technically doesn't mean you're that broken yep that is good to know really relieving someone i don't know what it's it's a good feeling yeah of course are you words someone else might some say something completely different but like hearing it from someone else's yeah cool i think we call that acceptance yeah so when i think about someone who's like narcissistic and super

egotistical, like they're broken on the inside, but they don't let themselves be broken. They're like, no, I'm fine. Everything's okay. I'm the best, even though they don't feel that way. And then once they start to acknowledge, oh, maybe I am a little bit broken and it's okay to be broken, they can forgive themselves for not being perfect. You know, they can blame themselves a little bit less for being weak. And therein lies their strength.

my brain is taking so much information right now. I'm sorry. I just had like a short AFK moment. Good. Yeah, I take AFK. The only difference between me and you is I tell you I'm going FK. Yeah, I should do that too. Like, by the way, I'm AFK.

Yeah, just let me know when you need to go AFK. Okay. All right. Yeah, this conversation is like, how do you feel right now? Like, I feel like I want to know a little bit how you feel right now in a moment. like talking to me. Do you like, are you feeling neutral or is there like some kind of emotion you feel? I'm glad you asked that because I was just about to share my feelings. Good. So I was just saying that I feel like the conversation is like we're circling around something and we keep on like touching and moving

away from it. Like we can't just get our hands on it. That's how I feel. Okay. What do you think? Yeah, that's what I said pretty much early in the conversation that we jump and jump and we don't come to conclusion. So yeah. Yeah. Conversating. I'm trying to, I'm trying to grab it, but I don't know how to grab it. I grab what exactly? Like, yeah. So that's the problem is I don't know what it is until we grab it. Okay. All right. I thought you have something inside, but. No, I mean, I tend to share with you what what I've, what I've understood. So like, let me, let me try to summarize. And then you let me know, like, what you think is a worthwhile thing to further explore. And maybe we, we, can talk more about what hypersexuality is or how that works or, you know, some other simple

topic that you're well versed in. So, so, Jade, I do think that there's something toxic about the way that you look at yourself. And I think that that toxicity is protective. And it kind of goes back to this thing that, like, I do think that at the end of the day, were there things that you did to put yourself in a bad situation? Yes. Sure. were did you do things that are stupid? Sure. But I don't think that getting sexually assaulted is really your fault.

And this is something, I'll just be blunt, I don't know if your therapists have told you this before, but usually victims of sexual assault blame themselves. Like, that's really common. Like, victims of abuse blame themselves. Like, I've worked with, you know, victims of domestic violence. who will say like, yeah, he hit me because I didn't like, like the food that I served him was burnt. It was my fault. Right. And it's like, if you really try to argue with them about that, like they're not going to understand, but it's fucking weird. Right.

They're like, I did this. Therefore he did this. I am, and I think what it comes down to is control. Because if it's their fault, then they're still in control. And that can feel good. But if you are a victim, you let go of control in your life and you acknowledge that there are people out there that can do things to you that are not your fault. And that's actually terrifying. Yeah.

Because most people would rather live in a world where like if bad things happen to them, it's my fault because that's like way more easier to live with. It's really hard to live with the idea that I'm walking down the street and I get hit by a meteor. Like that's fucking a scary world to live in. So it bothers me a little bit that you have difficulty viewing yourself as a victim and that also if you view yourself as a victim, you view yourself as weak. Like I don't think that that's healthy. I don't think that that's fair. I think you should be allowed to be a victim.

And I don't think that being a victim makes you weak. And the crazy thing, and now we get to like what I really don't like about what you're doing to yourself, is this double standard, which is you. you say that it's okay for other people to be victims and it's okay for them to be weak, but it's not okay for me to be a victim. It's not okay for me to be weak. I just don't think that that's fair to you. Well, it isn't, I guess. Okay.

Just bring it out there. Good. Yeah, not once did I feel that I actually have a double standard, like at all. This is complete news to me. So I'm a little bit overwhelmed with that Fad. Yeah. Well, you can let me know when you're back at the keyboard. Yeah, I'm here.

I'm trying. I'm trying. You can take more time at AFK if you need to. It's more like I think you should keep the conversation maybe a little bit flowing. Okay, sure. Sure. So then let me ask you this. Are you kind to yourself?

Before I answer, what kind like kind by treating myself nice way, going shopping or kind like to me as a person? Kind to you as a person. Okay. Kind to myself. No. I mean, the thing is I'm saying no because I'm not that I'm due to opposite. I just don't know if I ever try to.

Yep. That's the right answer. It's like it's gold test. I know. I know. I'm sorry. I don't mean to. No, no, I like it.

I like it. So sometimes I say that because, you know, Our conversation is super ambiguous, so I say that's the right answer because it makes it less ambiguous. But I do think that that's important to think about, right? I don't think you really know how to do that. No. And I think this doesn't even have to do the sexual trauma. I think this started at eight, apparently.

What do you think about that? I don't know. I did it before that. I mean, I don't remember. I just know before that I wasn't really sad. Do you remember? So, okay. Now I'm going to try to teach you something.

So I'm going to ask you a question. And I suspect that you may have an answer, but that there's going to be a part of your mind that says that that is the wrong answer. And therefore, you're not going to want to share it. Okay? So prepare yourself. Did something happen to you when you were eight or before you were eight that you remember that made you feel sad?

Yeah. I have the answer. Yeah. It actually started at seven, I think. No, seven? No. Yes. Okay, it was seven.

And I was on the verge of turning eight. And it happened like the first unkind interaction with humans, basically. Like before that, I didn't ever have any negative interaction with anyone. And that one really got me like badly. What happened? I got beaten up by a bunch of guys I mean they were like a little bit older than me but not just there were children

but that was like the first and tough one like I don't know like it usually starts like maybe people calling you names but I didn't even start like they with like straight on like beating up and I just remember like that not only that not only day on kindness like it was a not public area people would pass that's like where I first realized that Humans are really, really awful.

And it took quite some time until someone actually stopped them from kicking me and beating me. And I don't know, like, that really had a toll on me. Like, changed completely after that. What did you learn? I learned not to trust.

I learned not to keep my waltz down, ever, always up. I learned that you, can only count on yourself because if you count on others, it might never happen or happens too late. So now let me ask you something, Jade. The person who believes who counts only on themselves, if that person gets sexually assaulted, whose fault is it?

Well, that's scenario, that person. Is that how you feel? Yeah, I do. So now I'm going to ask you a question. When you say you're partly to blame and they're partly to blame, Do you really believe that or do you believe that you're all to blame? AFK. Go ahead.

I think, I feel that both, not both. I mean, in my scenario, I still think I have some fault in it. In your scenario, do you think you have some fault, most of the fault or all the fault? No, not all. there's two people. Do you feel like you have all of the fault? And you think that you have some of the fault? There's a difference between thinking and feeling. I think I do. I do. Like again, like I mentioned, there were rules and I broke them and I dealt with the consequences in the worst possible way. Not worse, possible, there is worse. But yeah, I, yeah, I did that. And I'd like to say, no,

but that's not how I feel. Good. Yeah, it's good that you're honest with yourself, right? Yeah. So I think it's tricky because a part of what we're doing here is, so I think you're doing really good, Jade. Thanks. You're doing really well as well.

Thank you. Because I think it's hard to say things that we feel to be true, even when we know it doesn't make any sense. And everything that I hear from you makes me feel or think. Let me think about that. Yeah. Makes me think that you feel like, yeah, you feel like everything is your fault.

Like you feel, in a sense, control and you feel responsible. And I think it's scary to live in your life where human beings cannot be trusted and can't be counted on. And so in a sense, it doesn't surprise. me at all that your mind thinks about sexual shit all the time with people. Because like that's such a safe way to think. Safe in what way? Because like sex is just sex. There's no need for trust.

There's no need for connection. You know, it's like like you don't have to, in the basement of your mind, there's all of this shit. And you never have to go down there if you're thinking about sex. And I really wanted to say something more graphic, but then I thought that that could be so I didn't say that. I feel you. Right. But like you see when like I don't I don't think your hypersexual thinking is going to go away unless you have other ways of thinking about people.

Right. And as long as you and like you can't think about people without grappling with these ideas that like, you are fundamentally alone in this world. Like, you love your parents, and I know what you know what love means, and it's clear to me that those connections are important to you. But I do believe that there's a part of you. There's a seven-year-old girl in there who is still alive and well and feels fundamentally alone.

Are we jumping into a conclusion? Is this just like statements? I don't know. What do you think it is? I mean, there's a lot of, to me, it sounds like facts. That probably is faxed. No, no, it's not facts. It's hypotheses. Maybe.

I didn't, okay, better. I didn't know the word in English. Yeah. No, it's not a fact. You got to remember, I don't know, I met you like an hour ago. Yes, indeed. So I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Yeah, right.

No, no. I mean, I see truth the things you say. Not all of it. Like there are a few parts where I'm feeling like, I don't know if that's really. Good. But I do see. Yeah. Do you want me to tell you or?

Sure, if you want to. But let me, let me be clear. I don't tell you truth. You tell us truth. Right? You're the one who determines what's right and what's wrong. My job is to generate for you hypotheses, which then you tell us what's right and what's wrong. Yeah.

Don't worry. I see you as a guide. I don't see you as the. Savior. Thank God. No, no, no. But yeah, you guided well so far. There are things you said that will stick with me for quite some time, which is good.

We have time. We have quarantine. I have a lot of time to work on this. Or in general, talk about them. But, yeah, to be honest, my mind, I wouldn't say it's blank. It's just right now there's so much you think about. I don't really know what to say now to you. Good.

Good. Okay. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, maybe this is bad, but, you know, the session doesn't have to have a climax. Good. All right. We can just sort of. Can I make sexual jokes or is that inappropriate? Go ahead. That's my whole life. So, like, we can just, you know, Jane, we can just go limp and that's okay.

It's not a big deal. It doesn't have to, you know. Good one. Good one. Is it a good way? They got me off guard, even though I asked for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's usually how I roll.

What is on your agenda apart for me today? Like, am I like the only thing you're going to stream today? Or say like something coming afterwards? Yeah, so I actually spend most of my day doing doctoring. So I saw three patients in the morning before stream. and then this is all I do. Like I can't do this for more than two hours because I find it mentally exhausting. Like it's good, but I feel spent at the end.

You know, I think kind of like yourself, like, you know, I get the sense you have a lot in your head and I have a lot in my head too, so I can't do anything else. I mean, sometimes we'll do things afterward, but I basically do the interview. I stream for about two hours. And then I've got a little bit of a break. So I usually, after I stream, I try to walk around for a little bit. or I'll drive and I'll just like sort of sit and not do anything and just let my thoughts do whatever they want to do.

And then I think today I have two meetings afterward. I have a meeting with the Healthy Gamer team about we launched our coaching program yesterday. And so. Oh, exciting. Yeah. So we're just going to check in and see how that's going. And then I have another meeting about research because we're trying to study this and we're collaborating, we're in the process of talking with a couple of universities about collaborating

the study what we do and see if it like, you know, get real researchers in here because I'm not a real researcher. So we do some research on our programs to like sort of, because I'm a scientist, sort of, but I'm not really a super competent researcher. I tend to be a better clinician. So I'm better at talking to people than looking at statistics. And so we have a research meeting because I really want to know, I want to collect data and make sure that what we're trying to do for the community is actually helping them. That's great. Yeah.

So I've got two meetings and then at 5 p.m. Either I'll play with my kids or I'll play video games for about half an hour to an hour. You have kids? Yes. And then from 6 p.m. onward, it's family time. So you're like altogether, your mind never really stops apart from when you take a walk and maybe play games. Like apart from those, you're like always like when you play with your kids.

or are you like blank when you play with your kids? No, I'd say that's fair. I usually get about half an hour of... And sometimes I meditate and stuff, but yeah. Good, okay. Because right now you just taught me so many things. Like, I feel like, when do you rest? But it's good that you meditate also.

You're very good at caring for other people. Oh, thanks. Yeah, right back at you. How long have you been? talking. I've lost, like, it's been only like an hour. Yeah. How long does it feel? In eternity. Not going to lie. Like, the topics were heavy. Yep. But welcome. Like, none of them would make me fundamentally uncomfortable. So, just to throw it out

there. We'll try better next time. No, I'm all good. I mean, I think so far for session. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, good. I'm glad you feel that way. I too feel like it's been heavy. Like we've been, So I call this work. Yes. It's like work. It's like exhausting. Of course. Takes all a mental brain power.

But how did you even start with Twitch? Like, was it something you felt like because of gaming? You're like, hey, I could do that as well. Or did someone recommend you? No. So what happened was like I was working with gamers. So I've been working with gamers for about five or six years. And I realized that like I'm having the same.

conversations with people, like over and over and over again, that maybe there are like 35 or 40 things that I talk about with gamers. And so I wondered and like what happened is as I started to get like more popular. I started getting more requests for help than I can manage. And so then I had this crazy idea and I was like, I wonder if someone, because since I'm having the same 35 or 40 like core issues with gamers. that we work on. I wonder if someone, if I worked with someone and people could watch it, could they benefit from it? And that's why we started streaming.

That's great. That's really nice of you. I think everyone appreciates your content because I keep hearing from the people on my Discord that they watch you and it actually helps hearing and like relating to the issues each streamer has or even you have. so yeah that's great yeah thank you it's nice to be appreciated i i feel very supported by like us i don't know how else to put it like our people yeah so i feel like i'm not doing it alone anymore which for a while for many years i felt like i was doing it alone and so that it bother you not really it i just felt like it was insufficient because what would happen is I'd get, you know, calls from like Singapore and Iran and, you know, Palestine and like, yeah, like Thailand and, like lots of places in Europe, obviously lots of places in the U.S. and Canada.

And people would ask me for help. And I was like, I just can't do. Because I would also, you know, I also have like a job where I have to make money and support my family and stuff like that. So I was working on that stuff. And then I was pretty academically involved at the institution that I trained and things like that. So, you know, I had like all these like, like I sort of felt like I had my real life, which is like job and family and also professional ambitions. I was pretty ambitious and worked pretty hard. And, you know, so it was like having a career.

And then like the gaming stuff was sort of on the side. It was something that I felt, you know, like I wanted to help these people because I had suffered in the same way. You suffered? Yeah. Oh, yeah. So, you know, so I started playing video games when I was a kid and then basically failed out of college or almost failed out of college. After two years, I don't know if you know what a GPA is, but like from zero to four, like four being all A's and zero being all F's, I had less than a 2.0, which means I had less than a C average. So I basically, you know, got C's, Ds and Fs. It took me five years to.

graduate because I failed a bunch of classes. And so it was really struggling. And that's the reason I started going towards the monk thing because I was failing out of school and I went to India and I stayed there for a few months at an ashram or a monastery. And I discovered yoga and it was amazing. And I loved it. And I decided I was going to become a monk. And I didn't care about school. And school was beneath me and all those people who want jobs and careers and families. Like, I'm going to be better than them. I'm going to be deeply. spiritual and I'm going to rise above all these material things and pursue this higher goal, which made me better than all the people who lived life better than I did.

Because I sucked at life and they were good at life. And I needed some way to feel better than them. So that's why I wanted to become a monk so bad. So fundamentally you became a monk for the wrong reasons? Yes. I didn't actually become a monk, but yeah, I was training to become. Right, your wife. Right.

And children. Yes. It's not really a monk lifestyle. No. That's really interesting. Also video games. Right. You can't own anything.

That's all I know. Yeah. Well, too bad. You have like everything. Yeah. It's unfortunate. Yeah, it sucks to be you. No.

No. Yeah, that's interesting. Really interesting. I could listen to your story, actually, for a quote, till you don't have anything to say anymore because it's really. How does it feel to ask me questions? I mean, I like it. I like to get to know. Let's say like this.

It's like an exchange. I gave you a lot of my information. I might as well take a view of yours. Yep. All is good. Let me. Can I ask you just, you know, one question about that? Sure.

Would it be okay? So I understand an exchange, and I'm with that. 100%. Would you feel okay if I helped you and you didn't give me anything in return? Yes. Okay. Good. I'm happy to hear that. It doesn't know right now in the situation, I'd like to get to know more about you. Sure. So we've got, so I've got about 15 minutes. Right. And so one thing is sometimes I teach people to meditate and if you're interested, I can teach you how to meditate or if you prefer, you can ask questions and I love to talk about myself. Because I'm,

I used to do a lot of chigong. Okay, good, Nick. Cheong is very good for you. Yeah, I might get back to that. I just stopped doing it since I came back to Germany. But now hearing that again, makes really want to go back to that. Yeah. Did you feel like the chigong helped you?

Um, I think the reason that stopped me was my Shifu for it not helping me. I think if it's just me and my thoughts and let's say my nature. I had a Shifu a master. Oh, Shifu, okay. I think sometimes his words, he said, while we would do to Shigong, stop me from relaxing, because he would say things that didn't sit well with me. So I wasn't really in my space.

It wasn't in peace. But now that I'm alone, I want to try that again. What would he say that wouldn't sit well with you? He would say things like, this is a simple example, like, you should stop listening to music. You should take the world and realize what's going around you. And I was like, but I like,

being in my music space. I mean, I understand what he means, but at that moment was like, hmm, I don't want to hear that now, though. Don't get me started on that. Oh, oh, oh. I mean, I kind of want to know what do you mean now. So here's the problem with Shifu's, okay?

Yes. And gurus is, so like every now and then there's like an enlightened master and they really understand something. And then they teach their disciples. And then the problem is that they're disciples. Because the master knows what the disciples. disciple needs, they tailor their teachings to a particular disciple. The problem is that once the disciple grows up and then sort of becomes a master, may not be a truly enlightened master,

but in the tradition, he like gets promoted. And then he starts teaching. The problem is that the teachings that he offers other people are the teachings that his master gave him, which he believes are the true teachings because they worked for him. But they're not true. They just worked for him. And then they try to tell people, to like not listen to music. Yeah, that's so that was his path, but it's not your path. And that's, I see this a lot, so I have strong feelings about it because I think that, you know, a good teacher doesn't teaches you in the way that you need to hear,

not in the way that they were taught. Yeah, I agree. That's such a but stop me from fully. submitting to him. Good. Thank God. Yay. I didn't do. So, yeah. To be as I was a little bit biased because he's like the,

he did the choreographs for the Imman's movies. And I was like, oh my God, that's so awesome. I want to be with him. I want to be close to him. So it could be close to that pop culture. Yeah. So it was a little bit of a groupie, to be honest. Yeah. So that's also, you know, the wrong reason. And if you're not careful, there's a lot of sexual misconduct and those kinds of relationships.

do. Huh. I don't think about that. Yeah, no, I mean, it's, I know a lot of people don't, but it's like, it's a big problem. Right. Yeah. Okay. Huh.

Yeah. Well, the more you know. But you can't. It's all good. Did you say we have like 10 minutes left? Do you need to say something or? Nope. No.

We can also go a little bit over if you want to. I don't mean to like just, you know, that's what I was kind of thinking about doing. But if you have questions, I'm happy to answer them. No, no, I'm just, just in case, I wanted to check if there's something that's on you mind that you really want to fraud now. No, it's just the main thing. So it sounds like you have a meditative practice. So I think that that's great.

Do you want to just tell people what Qigong is to because people might not know? Oh, I don't really know myself, to be honest. Do you want to teach us in Qigong? Oh, right now? Sure. Like, I actually have to sit on the floor and like... Okay, then don't worry about it. Let's not.

Okay, fine. Because it's like a really personal space. I don't think I could ever. I mean, I could try to do it on stream some one day. No, if it's like very... Nope, don't share it if it's a personal practice. Okay, sorry. But you can Google Qigong.

You can listen. Why don't you just tell us about it? Okay, Shigang is basically a type of meditation, which is connected to... Might not be connected. Again, my chief who set those things, but I actually never researched them. So if I say something, please say stop. That's not true. So basically, he did Wing Chong, and he connected Chi Gong to Wing Chung.

Wing Chung is a martial art, right? Yes. Okay. And we would do that every time before we would start class. We would do that to free our minds, and we'd do it afterwards to free our own minds, especially just to be one with yourself and to be one with the one next to you, because it was like a group. and it's just about like being usually would do it outdoors and it's like about being connected to nature

and just let your mind flow which is a little bit hard when your she who keeps talking so I suggest just to listen to music or no music at all just in nature sounds and yeah so my understanding of chie gong is that like so there are two practices that are rooted in indian and Chinese cultures. So I tend to focus on Tai Chi or Tai Chi. Yeah. And so Tai Chi is like kind of equivalent to what is what common people think of as yoga, right, which is postures. So there's a physical practice, which is a mind-body practice, which in according to scientific studies outperforms exercise in terms of its like healing capability and its effect on depression and anxiety and stuff like that. So yoga and Tai Chi are sort of equivalent. And then yoga and Tai Chi are sort of equivalent. And then yoga and

Tai Chi or Winchung have paired practices that are usually focused around the breath, which are prana am and chi gong. So prana and chi both mean the same thing. They mean life energy. So what their practices that are actually aimed at cultivating, strengthening, and facilitating the flow of your life energy or chi. Yeah.

So yoga and Tai Chi are like more physical practices. Chi Gong is a more energetic practice. So I think about it almost like in the realm of energy healing. And then or Brown I am. And then meditation is actually even different beyond that. But that's how I sort of conceptualize it. What is meditation? Like you said it's beyond that.

So the first thing is that meditation gets translated with two words that are into English. And one is a verb. one is a state of mind. So that oftentimes confuses people. So meditation is something, the state of mind of meditation is something that happens to you. It's not something that you do. You can't meditate. So dhyan is a state of mind that happens to a person when they are in a particular, like, circumstance. So you can cultivate it. And then dharana is a focusing practice. That's a verb. So when I say, I sit down and I meditate on, let's say, you know, like a candle. That's a verb.

I can sit and I can stare at a candle for like 20 minutes. And then if I'm lucky, I enter a particular state of mind while I'm staring at the candle. So the realest, the truest form of meditation is not even a verb. It's not something that you can do. It's something that happens to you. It's a state. It's not an action. And so in Qigong, you may enter states of mind of meditation.

I don't know. let me think if I know what the Chinese word for that is. I think they actually use the Sanskrit or Pali. I never really got into meditation. I always connect pain with it. Maybe so Google is translating it as chan zong. But I don't, I'm not familiar with that. I like how your voice changed as soon as you said it because it's a foreign word.

It kind of went a little bit different. That's because I use the, my tones are pretty exaggerated, but that's, but I use the tones as best as I can, although it's been a while since, you know, I'm rusty. My Chinese is rusty, but. Oh, you used to speak Chinese or? Yeah, just sort of. How many languages do you speak? I mean, at various times of my life up to six, let me think about that. English, Spanish.

Yeah. but like not too well but still impressive so what your native is English or yeah so I grew up bilingual and then studied Spanish through high school and college and there's actually really hilarious clip of me

miss speaking Spanish and then also studied Mandarin and Japanese because I was a wee with you. Yes! And then yeah and then learned Hindi which is another Indian language sort of along the way.

Right. And I speak all of them poorly now. Do you speak other language? I assume you speak German or? Yeah, to be honest, I didn't really grow up bilingual because my dad, who's Asian, Vietnamese. He grew up German. So the couple went off me.

Like, I'd never learned it, unfortunately. It's just English and German and Weirbu Japanese and doesn't go beyond that. Weaboo, is that, is that what, how it's pronounced? That's how I pronounce like weep, weaboo. It's like, weep is the short form, hasn't it? Oh, fascinating. I just called them webos.

Weibo, I always say weaboo. Maybe I am wrong. No, weaboo sounds far more cultured and far more Japanese than webo, which sounds like Texan. Like, did y'all see those weboes down there? It's like, you've got to be really careful. There's a bunch of weeboes in the backyard. They've got their wafus with them.

Oh, you got that accent, of course. Oh, yeah, you grew up there. Right. I heard a little bit about your Black Lives Matter talk before the stream that you said you grew up there. And you got a lot of negative treatment due to you. I love Texas, though. I don't want to give people the wrong impression. No, I dealt with racism.

And there was actually, I mean, it's terrible. But when I was growing up, there was actually a black man who was lynched in the town next to where I lived. it was terrible. And it like... Lynched? Yeah, like I don't think people have understood. So, you know, I think a lot of people talk about, I mean, obviously people talk about Black Lives Matter, but I don't think the common American understands how bad racism has been

for how long of a time. Like there were literally like when I was growing up, I may have been like seven or eight years old. There were a group of people that took a black man and tied him behind a truck and drove until he died. And that shit was like happening back in like the late 80s and 90s. And it's been bad for a long time. I'm 37. Huh. Oh. Wow. I mean, yeah, it can make sense. I mean, all the experience you talked about. Yeah, okay. Because I figured like for some reason I said like, for some reason I said like like beginning of 30, but that is...

Nope. Okay. I'm just... My maturity is around 30. I'm a few years behind. No, that's fine, I think. I mean... Wow, that's actually... That's tough. Because in Germany, let's say like this, I only had like one racist

experience in the rest of my life. That was pretty good. But I've never really seen actively racism in Germany like you did. I mean, I'm pretty sure we have racism in Germany 100%. It's just I haven't seen it like that. Yeah, I think, you know, the other interesting thing is that like I think people underestimate how much racism there is in the rest of the world. Oh, Asians are awful. Yeah.

Like so in India, like, so I think America gets a bad rap for being a super racist country. I think, and in a sense we are. But like I think the big difference between, you know, part of my experiences in India and experiences here in the U.S. is that like at least in U.S., in the U.S., like there's a fair number of people who acknowledge that racism is a problem. And sure, there are plenty of people who don't think it's a big deal. But in India, it's just so commonplace that it's like completely accepted. No one thinks that it's a problem there.

And it's just like I had, so I was visiting a family member. of mine back in 2006. And then she was asking me just, you know, about like, you know, what was I up to? And I was living in a frat house in college at that time. As I told him, yeah, you know, I have these roommates. She's like, oh, like, tell me about your friends. And I was like, yeah, you know, I have a friend. And we, he's like a seven foot tall black dude and we watch anime together.

And then she was like, shocked. And she was like, aren't you afraid he's going to steal your stuff? And I was like, no She's like, oh my God, he's black And she was like And like the thing is like in India Like people haven't seen a black person It's just like in Asia

It's like still how strong The black and white differences Like when they see white people like Oh my God, yes white people When I see black people they're like looking very judgy And stare at it's awful I see like the gays People of color get

Yeah, yeah Asia. It's even they own people. Like if you're an Asian person and you're like a little bit darker than a rest, you've been discriminated for that as well even though you're Asian. Yeah, so this is kind of cool. I mean, not what we're talking about, but so we're going to

do this thing with our producer. So he's this guy named Moses. And Moses is going to do what? Wait, is it the McLevin guy? Yes. So, so

So Moses, so we're going to do something called put together a bio data. I'm confused about what, anyway, okay, I'm just going to keep talking. Wait, wait, wait. I was confused about your reaction. Oh, and I saw a clip of yours, and I'm not sure if it's him, but someone of here who was on your stream looks like Mc11 from Superbad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was a little bit fine girling. So Moses, what we're going to do is this is one of our stretch goals for our fundraiser,

but we were going to get Moses to go on a virtual date, and then we're going to comment in the background. And Moses and I were talking about, I've actually done this before where, you know, I used to be pretty good at talking to women. So like what I would do back when I was in college is I would take my friends who are like, you know, text chatting on AOL Instant Messenger with girls,

and I would flirt with the girls for them so that they could go on a date. and so we were, Moses and I were talking about, um, uh, you know, whether I actually want to be like coaching him during the day and tell him what to say.

Or if we should just comment with Twitch chat. No, do it. Do like the actual commentating. That's fun. The commentating or telling him what to say? Like they're both. Like,

I think the commentator is also fun, but I think actually telling him what to say when he's like looking last. It's kind of fun. No, but I mean, I, I, I think it, Anyway, so we were just joking about that. The reason I brought up Moses is because actually, so what we're going to do, so the way we got to this is that in Indian culture, we have like arranged marriages. And the way that you find a candidate for an arranged marriage is something called a bio data. So it's like a resume, but about like, like it actually.

So biodatas have existed long before online dating profiles and it's basically an online dating profile that people in India have been doing for thousands of years. So they like create a profile for a person. it used to be like physical pieces of paper that would get faxed across the world. And part of what they would put on the biodata is how dark or light your skin is. Right. And so it was like they would ask you. You know. Sorry, my sister.

That's okay. Good enough, you know. Nine. Okay. So please continue. How old is she? She's turning free this year. Oh, that's so cool.

I have an almost three-year-old out there. And there's another one. I have actually four sisters. How old is she? The older one? Yeah. She is seven. Okay.

I have an almost three-year-old and an almost five-year-old. Wait, both boys? Girls. Girls. Oh, that's exhausting. I think in my case, it still could be the opposite. I'm exhausted of girls. I want boys.

Like, that's my goal. Like, being a mom and having, like, boys and maybe one girl. I think, because I have four little sisters. So that's why I say it's exhausting. Maybe if it's just two, I don't know. I think parenthood in general is exhausting, but I find that girls are, I mean, so like, I took my two-year-old, go ahead. They are, the oldest is five.

The real trouble stars at the age of 10, 11. That's what I mean. Yeah. Right now, they really. They're really nice, like that age you have right there. No, it's, it's great. Angels. I took my two, do you know what Walmart is?

Mm-hmm. Okay. So, like, my two-year-old was like two, maybe like two and a half. So she needed a new pair of shoes. And I don't really know anything about fashion or clothing or art or decoration or any of that stuff. And, I mean, you can see my room. And this is how I would leave it if it was my choice. Marmalistic.

Yeah. And so I took my two-year-old to Walmart. one day because she needed a new pair of shoes and like we were in Texas so we went to Walmart because that's what you do when you're in Texas. And then, you know, we like looked at a wall of shoes and then like I tried to get her, I tried a couple on and she didn't like them. And then I was like, because she's two, right? So two year olds like like like stuff. And so then I ended up asking, I was like, which one do you want to get? And she's like, I don't want me. I was like, you don't want shoes? And she's like, no. And then we like left empty handed. And then my

My wife was like, you know, why don't you have, she needs shoes? And I was like, she didn't want any of them. I thought it was great because she's two years old and she already like knows what she wants. So I don't have to learn that shit. She kind of takes care of herself. It's pretty cool. Yeah, but that's what I mean like at that age. They're pretty straightforward what they want in life and what they don't.

That's why I said like the age of 10. Yeah. What happens when they turn 10? Periods, maybe depending on hold. Or like in general, puberty hits definitely 11, 11, 12. I think even 10, most girls. And that's a really difficult time. Like my oldest sister, she's now 13.

Just one year ago, she was, they went for three years where she was unbearable, to be honest. Like, it was tough. I was even, I was really, really bad at that age. I was like, considered an angel before that time. And then it just went downhill. Yeah. Yeah. I've heard horror.

That's why I'm saying girls. Yeah, especially when the periods aren't sync. Yeah, I've heard about that. I don't know if that's scientifically true or not. No, but girls like to say like, oh, we're unsink. That's why we're both in a bad mood. We always say things like that. Yeah, that's, you know, we'll see.

It's stupid. I'll get back to you in about. We'll talk again in 10 years. Five to six years. And then if I need advice, you can. I got to. I got enough to. Yeah, that's cool.

So you're, so you've got, your, y'all are four sisters. Yeah, I'm the oldest. I'm with me five. Oh, with you five. Yeah, all girls. All girls. Interesting. Cool.

The men were not strong enough in my family. I guess not. Yeah, it's weird. My wife also, so my wife has two sisters. Mm-hmm. So it's three girls. and then so far she and her sister

one of her sisters has kids so far their generation has produced three girls so like it's her and two sisters no boys and then so far all of their kids have been girls so there may be a genetic predisposition towards

breeding towards women that's interesting because my dad is like okay of course he's a boy so it doesn't come but he's like one of the only ones, and the rest are all sisters. And they children are all girls except for one boy. So it's like just my dad, one boy, and the rest all girls. There may be some kind of genetics, like something about the way that the egg develops or even

the sperm. Like there may be some kind of, I mean, it could just be coincidence because, you know, across the world there are going to be millions of people who only have girls, right? And millions of people whose girls only have girls, just statistically. But sometimes it makes me wonder. Now, the more interesting thing is that both my wife and her younger sister are married to psychiatrists. No way. And so now there's an interesting question about whether her youngest sister will also marry a psychiatrist.

Oh, that's actually, whoa. I mean, at this point, isn't really a coincidence or is it just like a mistake in the, it's a bug? It's unclear. Unclear. Oh, that's interesting. Holy crap. yeah i hope i have boys i hope i break the circle and throw out some boys yeah cool well you know yeah very cool good luck with that thanks you know i would imagine that it's going to be a couple

years before you go down that road but you know i mean in my family we all have very early children and i already said to myself if everything goes well like financially and like my me because i always said, like, I won't have children until I know I can feed myself, feed to human beings. And just in case, if something goes wrong, help my siblings. It's like, I need to have that amount in order to say, okay, now I can have children. And I hope it's like in the next 10 years. Yeah. And yeah, that'd be great. Well, thanks. This has been a fun chat. Yeah. We really don't. Yeah. But yeah. I think it can be good to talk about light things and laugh after we talk about heavy things.

Agreed. Yeah. It's like after the night of drinking, just having a nice soup in a cup of tea. That's how I see it. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I haven't done the night of, actually, I had the most alcohol I've had in a long time during one of our streams in May. I feel you. It streams and alcohol is just, it's dangerous.

It's so much fun, though. I haven't had that much fun. Yeah, yeah, definitely fun. That's why it's dangerous because I want to do it all the time. time and yeah yeah it's how so jane this has been fun great yeah um i was i think i unfortunately do have to kind of get going but yeah no doubt you know if there's anything else that we can do do to help you or support you i'd love i'd love to hear what you think about what we've talked about today and and and you know um you know down the road like like think about it and see what works for

you and concretely one thing i would suggest is that you really do pay attention to the way that you treat yourself. And really think about whether you can cut yourself a little bit of slack and whether it's okay for you to not be perfect and eventually for you to trust other human beings. I try. Yeah. They don't make it easy. They really don't.

No. But yeah, this has been great. I am pleasantly surprised because I really was afraid. I think so far we also said things where nothing could be clipped that could have been out of context. So I think we're safe on that side as well. Maybe the limp, limp joke. Don't underestimate what Twitch hat is capable of. Right.

I think one of the worst things that you could possibly say is that we didn't say anything that could be clipped because now they're... Well, God damn it. Yeah, you've got to be careful. Don't tempt them. Sorry, chat. They're like temperamental gods. It's like as long as you respect them, they'll respect you. But if you say that Zeus doesn't can't do shit to you,

then he's going to strike you with a lightning bolt and teach you otherwise. Well, can we rewind? Is there like a, anyways? No. But yeah, it has been fun. Yeah. Thank you for having me. Thank you.

Thank you for coming. And thank you for, you know, sharing and being honest and authentic and funny and entertaining and all that good stuff. Right back at you. And, you know, good luck. Seriously, I mean that. And if there's some way we can support you down the road or if you want to come back on stream at some point, let us know. Stay safe, obviously.

And I really do hope you can start progressing again. Yeah, that would be great. I just let first sink in everything we talked about and then we see further. Yeah. Take care, Jane. All right. You too. Bye.

Bye. Okay. All righty, guys. so thank you guys very much for coming and yeah so jade is fun that's a lot of fun she's awesome and I don't know if you guys saw what I was seeing like I tried to point it out to her

my hope is that y'all were able to catch more of what I was trying to say than maybe I could explain which I think generally speaking Twitch is good at like I think you guys I don't know if you guys caught the subtlety of her self-judgment, the subtlety of her, like, how she's an island. Right? So I think that's the tricky thing is that, like, she views herself as an island, which is understandable because when you view yourself as an island, you don't connect to other human beings. It's safe. And you don't have to be hurt. and yeah let me just think about what else we want to say about that interview

yeah you know I think at some point we could talk about this sort of hypersexual thinking and try to understand that a little bit better almost from a meditative aspect like what's going on in terms of your mind and how does it function and all that kind of good stuff Wow, thanks for the, you know, bazillion subs, Paxton, Lancaster. Dodged. Easy dodged. Thanks, man. Thanks for the support, bro.

I assume you're a dude because your name is Paxton, but you never know. So, yeah, you know, we can definitely explore that more and try to understand the nature of the origin of the second. thoughts and dig into the trauma and stuff like that. But my initial instinct is that, like I told her, is that I think that, you know, thoughts in your mind tend to serve a particular purpose, even if it's not a healthy one. Like, they're there for a reason. And I wonder if just the sexual, the hypersexual thinking gives her a way to think about other people where she doesn't have to think about them in another way. Like, it frees her from like connecting and relating. and having to trust people.

And oddly enough, I think what's incredibly traumatic about her being beat up by a bunch of, like when she was seven years old, it's subtle. But it's not just that she was attacked by kids. It's that adults stood by and did nothing. And if you think about like feeling isolated and hopeless and losing faith in humanity,

it's being a child and having adults watch as you get hurt. And that's really devastating. And I see this a lot in terms of, it's weird, I don't know how to say this, but when I work with people who grew up with patients who, like, you know, have PTSD from, like, abusive households, oddly enough, it's not the abusive parent that causes them to lose faith in humanity. It's the parent who couldn't stop or didn't try to stop the abusive parent. That's what really fucks them in terms of, like, you know, damaging and, and, and, you know, and, you know, and, you know, to have a parent watch by, because you know that your abusive parent is sort of a bad parent,

but it's like the other parent who loves you and like literally will, you know, wipe the blood off of your forehead and put a bandage on. It's that parent standing by while you get beat that can be like incredibly devastating.

And I mean, overall, all that shit is sad, but You know, so we can think a little bit. I really do hope that Jade starts to treat herself better. And I'm sure maybe she's going to watch this. But then I think the reason that that really becomes important is because, you know, it sounds like she wants to be a mom one day, and I'm sure she's going to be a fantastic mom.

But one of the best gifts she can give to her children is knowing how to love herself. Because they're going to learn, they're going to learn from the way that she treats them, but they're also going to learn from the way that she treats herself. So I really hope she gets there because I think she's going to be an awesome mom. And yeah. So don't forget that you deserve or you should, even if you care about other people more than yourself, that don't underestimate the power of the impact that you can make

by being healthy and caring about yourself because you can help so much people by just doing that. You know, yeah, it's really amazing how you can influence someone's life without really realizing it. And I've seen all kinds of profound impacts in my own life and in other people's lives

from, you know, something as simple as holding the door or helping someone, you know, like who's moving on the street. Like if you just help them take a box, up. It's like night and day. And so you really do deserve to treat yourself better and think about yourself in a healthy way. And don't underestimate the impact that you'll have on other people when you start loving yourself. Yeah. So thank you guys very much for supporting what we do here. I'm all of Kanoja. I'm a psychiatrist, but really here, I'm just here as a person. And our coaching

program launched yesterday and hopefully it's working well. I'll find out in about an hour whether people are able to sign up and actually like get connected and all that kind of stuff because we built this stuff with like just a lot of brilliant people from our community with very limited resources. And thank you guys for all of the support because now we have more resources and we want to do better for you guys because the system right now doesn't do enough. And so, you know, we can rage at the system all we want to, but it's been always been my belief that, you know, Mahatma Gandhi sort of use these words, and it's be the change that you want to see in the world. And so that's what we're here to do. We're here to, you know, tackle what we

can as individuals and I guess as a group, but really I just show up and I try to do the best that I can. And don't underestimate the power of what you're capable of if you just show up and try to do the best that you can. And no amount of shame or being a piece of shit or a failure in life will ever take away the power that you bring to the table when you show up and you do the best that you can. And I think a lot of people across America are doing that right now, and I think that that counts for a lot. So, yeah, Gandhi wasn't perfect. Yeah, I know Gandhi has flaws. So I'll say one last thing about Gandhi. I think that just because a person wasn't good doesn't mean that you can't learn from them.

And I try to look for knowledge wherever I can find it. And yeah. It's a petto? I don't think he was a petto. That I haven't heard. He was incredibly racist. So that, that, you know. But anyway.

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