HealthyGamerGG - Talking with QTCinderella about Confidence

Episode Date: July 23, 2020

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Thank you. He's very sweet. He has some bad anxiety himself, but he's good. Yeah, I recently heard that, that, you know, people will give dogs like anti-anxiety medication. Yeah, he could use some, I think. I've tried, like, CBD treats for him, but it just puts him to sleep, so... Yeah. That does no good. So he's fine. He's just a stress case. I once tried to play a joke on my boss when I was in training that I wanted to do pet therapy. And so people think that pet therapy is like when you have like a therapy support animal. And so like it's like, you know, I want to, you know, work with animals to help people with mental health.

But then I tried to explain to her, no, no, I don't want to do pet. I don't want to do therapy with pet. I want to be a pet therapist. So I want a dog. So if we're giving the medication, we should also. to do psychotherapy with them. And so have a dog come to my office. It could be his stream.

If he, he's not happy about it. Yeah, he seems a little bit anxious or something. Yeah. So, and how do I refer to you? You can call me Blair. Blair. Okay.

And Blair, I'm All Oak, or people call me Dr. Kay. You can call me either one. Okay. And so tell me a little bit, thank you very much for coming on stream. Of course. And tell me a little bit about what we're talking about today, or if there's something we can help you with. Goodness, that is so hard. Yes.

No, what? Sorry. Sorry. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I think I like talked in the DMs about like some different things we could touch on. I don't, I just like, my biggest, as stupid as this is, and I know I shouldn't be worried about this.

I'm just like so worried about like, like, I talk about mental health on my stream all the time because like, so I have, I've had like generalized anxiety. It used to be really severe for like probably around six years at this point, but I've gotten much better at it. But so I talk about anxiety a lot. Plus I went through a, I have like, uh, I have like, uh, really bad hypochondria that is backed up by like really cool OCD tendencies so I get like I can spiral out of kind of like control essentially and just get wrapped up in a bunch of irrational thoughts and so I had like a big episode of that like a year ago and so I like talked to my stream a lot about mental health and so it's like I talk about mental health a lot um but I I the interesting thing is since I'm on Twitch whenever I do talk about mental health I

delete um like i delete my vods afterwards because i don't want to be harassed over it does that make sense sure so it's weird to like it's not weird but it's like it's different to like come on here and you're like okay we're talking about it and there's you know like not no going back but like we're going to be productive about it well i mean so first let me start by saying we can go back right so if if anything happens that you're not comfortable with or things like that, we can stop. Sorry, I'm trying to put him down. That's okay.

So, you know, we can always pull the plug. Okay. Right? That's fair. I don't want you to feel, I mean, I imagine you're going to feel pressured, but I don't want you to give in to the pressure. And if we talk about something that's uncomfortable or making you uncomfortable, that's totally cool.

Like, we can stop. or what may actually be useful is for us to understand what makes you uncomfortable and where that comes from. Yeah, okay. So what I'm set, like, have you been harassed over it before? My biggest thing is I think I think I'm kind of like a perfectionist. And so being on the internet is just hard in general because the things that they can, can harass you over is like so minuscule. And to try to not get wrapped up in that is exhausting, I guess, to try to like dehumanize yourself because you want to be a streamer and you want to be

successful. Um, like, it, so it's like I've gotten harassed over the weirdest things. Like I have the word bald banned in my chat because like people would come in and they'd be like, oh, cutie Cinderella, you look like you're balding or are you going. bald. And so then, like, I was so distraught by this. Like, I went to multiple doctors. I, like, went to a plastic surgeon. I had multiple people. I, like, looked into Rogaine. Like, I was so concerned about going bald. And it's, like, the craziest things that can just, like, trigger this, this train of thoughts that it's just, it's like, it's so annoying because it's like, you want to be a human on the internet, but it seems impossible sometimes.

Wow. That sounds, so you, you see, like you have somewhat of a you got to let me know so if I say something out of line you got to let me know and I I don't mean to be mean but it sounds like you've got a couple of like things that are really like coalescing and feel pretty bad like it sounds awful like if you've got

some amount of hypochondriosis or OCD and then like that sounds like a terrible combination with people picking random shit and making memes out of it because it sounds quite like it like one feeds of the other. Does that make sense?

No, it does. It's, it's, it's, it's like, it's exhausting in a way. Especially like, I, uh, it's weird because like to grow on this platform, and I kind of talked about this on my stream last night, to grow on this platform, it's like you have to have so many realms of like social media. Like you have to post on Instagram, you have to post on Twitter. You have to do all these things. And to do that with confidence. is so scary, I guess is the word. Like, I can't, like, I just can't take pictures of myself because if I post it, people are going to call me names.

And if they don't call me names, then they think that I'm full of myself because I'm posting pictures of myself. It's like there's always two thoughts going into everything. And so it feels like there's never any right answer. You seem really, really conflicted. Yeah. Like you want to talk about mental health and then you pull off the va. Yeah.

Like you need to be human and authentic, but being human and authentic screws you. Yeah. That sounds tough. I don't know how you navigate the world without a right answer. Yeah. And it's like in everything I do, I feel like. I feel like I'm never confident in what I should be saying, what I should be doing in myself. Like sometimes, sometimes I'll be strict.

and I'll feel fine, I'll feel fine. And then it's like, I don't think, I don't think chat realizes because I don't know if you've heard this from other streamers before, but it's like, you get that, like, people are like, oh, just don't read the, don't read chat forehead, right? Like, just don't read it. And you're like, oh, okay. But like, how I've always explained it is like, I'll be sitting there playing Mario and someone will say, uh, like someone will just come in and be like, who's this ugly bitch? Like, literally that's all they'll say. And you're like, okay, cool, band, whatever. You know, like, let's just move on.

I'm playing a video game. Like, why are my looks part of this conversation? And then a few minutes later, somebody else comes in and, like, oh, she looks stupid. Or, like, and it's just, like, a constant, like, banging over the head to the point that I'm like, well, I need to end stream. Like, I just, I can't do it anymore. And so it's like, I guess my question is, is, like, what do you, like, how do you, how do you, like, how can you be successful when, It gets so hard to even stay live or stay in front of people in that capacity. It's a great question.

Can I think for a second? Yeah, for sure. I mean, so the first thought that I have is like when people say just don't read chat, that defeats the purpose of Twitch. Yeah. Right? Without chat, you're just playing video games by yourself. That's not what Twitch is about.

Twitch is about chat. chat is like chat is like what Twitch is about right yeah it's kind of weird because without Twitch chat it's just playing video games so and then the other thing that I'm hearing from you

is how do you continue to stream when people say things to you I mean what I'm hearing from you is that like you have a health bar and that sometimes when people say certain things you like lose some HP and then eventually

you run out of HP and then you can't stream anymore. Mm-hmm. Is that fair to say? Yeah. And I think it's like there's a big part that I feel like people don't, I feel like people don't even know. And maybe I'm just too sensitive of a person. But it's like, I don't think people know all the time what they're saying and why it's

hurtful. Like I'm friends with other streamers. So people will come in my chat and they'll say, hey, what is so-and-so doing? And it's like, I'm like, don't. use me as your way to get to somebody else. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, it makes me feel so inhuman. Like, just go to, like, go to their chat.

Like, you don't have to ask me or, or like, I don't know, just say, like, there's just like this game of comparing too. So it's like, like, again, I'm friends with lots of streamers. So people will come in and they'll be like, oh, you have less viewers than so-and-so. You know, and it's just like, it's this never-ending game of like comparing yourself to people. and maybe that's my fault. Like maybe I shouldn't think of it that way. But that's how it like feels a lot is that I'm constantly like in order to be successful,

I have to be this. And why am I not at a thousand viewers? Is it because of X, Y, like, and so then I look at the people that are at a thousand viewers. And what are they doing that I'm not doing? And it's just like this constant train of like never ending thoughts, if that makes sense. Yeah. So if I were to, if I were to re-react, if I were to re-react, cap what I heard. So what I'm hearing is what I would call a lot of should thoughts. So like you should be

doing this. There's a lot of comparison. Yeah. You should be streaming more. You should be on Instagram. You should be this. You should be this. You should be this. What do you think about that? I think I think I think I just like I've always been a very hard work. worker. And so like Twitch has never been my full-time job until recently. So I just actually put in my two weeks due to COVID. I've been like working and not getting paid for the past two months. So finally I was like, okay, I'm going to put in my two weeks. I'm going to do this Twitch thing. Here we go. I haven't like my two weeks isn't up yet. But I've always said to myself that I couldn't handle Twitch mentally as a full-time job. So I'm like I'm very scared. And it's also like

I've always been successful at anything I've ever done. Like I was talking. in my company at, I was in an interior design firm and it's like going into Twitch knowing that I'll never be the top is kind of like very daunting because I guess I think I like I find and I've said this to a lot of people because I felt very defeated like quitting my job because I find my self-worth 100% in oh she is successful and now I'm not that and so it's like well now who am I that seems weird to say out loud but yeah what do you feel like disappointed in yourself yeah and what is disappointing about you i don't know um i just feel like this sounds dumb um i just feel like i i feel like i feel like i'm like trying to climb

I'm a mountain that like there isn't necessarily like a top to and I don't know how I'm going to do it and I don't know why I'm putting myself in that situation. If I like like I'm a planner and what gives me like with OCD you probably know this. What like gives me comfort is knowing that there is a plan. And if I know there's not a plan, then I can get very wrapped up and just these horrible trains of thoughts and like then that's where like my OCD tendencies come in like okay well if I drink a coffee before I go live every day my stream's going to be better. And then that turns into if I drink a coffee, with this amount of creamer in it, then my stream's going to be better. And then it's like if I use this cup, and then it slowly compounds all these patterns that I just start using as a way of comfort because that's the only way that I have control in the situation, because in reality, I have so much limited control of what I can do. Like, it drives me crazy. Okay.

Excellent. Blair, you're doing great. And I'm hopeful for you. I feel weird Yes, I can imagine So what feels weird Right now? Um

I don't know I'm worried that this is like I'm worried that this is stupid I'm worried that people don't Like I'm worried that people are like As stupid as like I'm worried that people think it's boring I worry that people are like

This is dumb why are we talking about this Like I don't know Okay let me tell you why we're talking about I think this is great. Okay. There's so much to say. I just,

okay, here's the issue. So you lack confidence. Okay. So let's just think about what that does to someone. So here's why you try to control. So there are a lot of things going on. First is that you try to control things.

You're perfectionistic. You have anxiety. How does all that shit fit together? And what does that have to do with confidence? What does that have to do with your feelings of disappointment? I'm going to try to lay it out. Usually I lay things out at the end. but now I'm going to try to lay things out at the beginning

because you've done such an awesome job of showing us what's in your mind. So let's try to piece it together. So the first thing is, let's say that I'm good at like hunting and foraging and taking care of myself. And I'm confident that I can survive in the wilderness. How much preparation do I have if I go camping?

How much preparation do I need? Let me ask, ask that. I mean, a lot. Sort of, right? Yeah. Maybe it's a bad example. So I guess what I mean to say is, generally speaking, if I'm confident in myself, I don't have to control a whole lot of variables. Okay.

Does that make sense? Yes. How so? I think of it like one thing I'm okay at is like baking and so it's like if I bake I don't need like I can just I can just start doing it because I've done it for years so I never like

yeah exactly right so like how bad is your OCD or your anxiety when it comes to baking? Not bad okay so this is important because if you're confident in yourself then you know that you can handle the challenges that come. And if you're not confident in yourself, that leads to, let's call it, anxiety and OCD,

although I don't really know if it's OCD. But what that means is that you have to control everything because you're not assured of the result. Like you have to have your coffee with X amount of creamer, and that removes a little bit of uncertainty from the equation. So you fight a war against uncertainty every day. And the reason that you have to fight that war is because if we think about, like, what is, how do we define confidence? Confidence is like literally the ability to face uncertainty. If I go out fishing and I know that I know how to fish, I don't have to control a whole lot.

I'm like, I'm going to grab my fishing rod. I'm going to grab some bait. And I'm going to figure it out. You have faith in yourself that you're going to figure it out. You don't need the world to give you certainty because you have faith that you can handle it. whatever comes. So the first thing is that, you know, I think you try to exert a lot of control because if we think about it, like control is an antidote to anxiety. What is anxiety? It's like, I worry this is going to happen. I worry this is going to happen.

I worry this is going to happen. And so how do we deal with those worries? What we do is we control those things, right? If I have a hat on, people may not comment about me being bald. Yeah. Right? So we control all kinds of little variables to remove those anxieties out of the equation. The funny thing is that every time we control a variable to get rid of a little bit of anxiety,

was that hurtful when I said that? No, you're okay. You're okay. Is that why you wear a hat? A lot of the time, yeah. Right. So see, like, so we can see that what. So here's the problem, though. I'm sorry, I didn't, I didn't mean to make you feel self-conscious.

No, you're okay. So, I mean, I did mean that. I used that as an example. Because I think, I think it's a perfect example. Yeah. And your camera, okay, there we are. So the reason that we do that, look at me, don't look at chat, minimize chat. Oh, sorry.

You look at your chat? No, I was looking over at my Twitter. I'll minimize that. Okay. So here's the thing. So you have this beast of anxiety, which is based on confidence. But if you control the variables and remove those from the equation, what happens to your sense of confidence when you do something? When I do anything?

So let's say that you stream and you're concerned about having a bad stream so you drink your cup of coffee and then you have a good stream. How confident are you the next time? I'm not. Absolutely. Now this is an interesting question. Why not? Um, because I never know who's going to come and chat. I never know who's going to be rude to me today. I never know what they're going to be offended by. I never know if they're going to be mad that I'm wearing too much makeup or not enough makeup or they're going to tell me again like how fucking small my tits are because they're smaller than the other girls on this platform. Like it's exhausting. Okay. So that is that is the manifestation. All of those thoughts are the manifestation of your lack of confidence. That's what lack of confidence grows into, right?

But here's my question. If you have a good stream and people don't say those kinds of things, why does that not lead to confidence? Because one would think that a success should lead to confidence. But in your case, it doesn't. Why? I don't know. People ask me that, like, I think my mod, my mods ask me that all the time. They'll be like, cutie, there's a hundred nice.

comments and chat, why does one make you stop stream? You know what I'm saying? Like, it's just like, it's so, it's frustrating. Like, I don't know, like, I don't know, but it's like, I guess I, I think it's like, for example, when people say like, oh, like, cutie, you're not funny, that one doesn't hurt me because I'm like, no, I'm funny. You know, like, I know I'm a funny person. But like, when people come in and they're like, cutie looks like you've gained weight or, like all these superficial things. It's like, well, I can't control that as much as I try. Like, I've always looked this way.

Okay. I'm going to try to, I'm going to try to draw. All right. So this could end up poorly. So give me a second because I think this is important. All right. So let me start. Can I, uh, what do I need?

Sorry, sorry about this. You're okay. I'm excited. I think I'm going to try to teach you something. So the question is, okay, so there's some things. So let's try to understand the nature of confidence, okay, and where confidence comes from. Okay. So here's the thing.

So there's some things that you're confident about, like baking and being funny. So what I want to point out to you is that when your confidence level, so let's say you have low confidence, and then this leads to anxiety or OCD. and then this leads to controlling things. Actually, I'm going to put this here. So let's say that your anxieties are where at? Actually, that's wrong. Sorry, I'm trying to figure this out as I go, okay? You're okay.

So balding, wait, and then what's something else that you're, you said a couple of things? Just like my face in general. People will say I look like a horse. The fuck? Okay, so these are the anxieties. These are the manifestations of anxiety. Do you understand what I mean by manifestation of anxiety? Like where they live?

Yeah, so like you have anxiety and then it like, it bears fruit like a particular thought. Does that make sense? So you're anxious about balding your weight, comparison, horse face, whatever. Then what happens is in order to reduce, so this is high anxiety, in order to reduce the anxiety, what you do is you exert control. Yeah.

Right? So wear hat, you know, careful about shapeliness. Yeah, I'll usually like throw on a hoodie or like, Beautiful, right? So we can call that. You know that's going to happen. Okay. So then what happens is that your anxiety kind of goes down. Right? So then something weird happens.

So we have all of our control factors. So now what we're going to do is this. And then, so you control for all of these things. Right? So let's move that down here. And then let's say that this results in having a good stream. See, I'm even, I'm scared to like say these things, like even on the internet. Like, I'm scared to be like, oh, I hate when you guys say that I'm balding.

I hate when you guys say that I'm fat. I hate when you guys say that I'm ugly because I feel like it just encourages people to like do it for a tent. You know, so I feel like my chat is going to be a disaster when I stream again. Like I'm very nervous about that. Yeah. So I understand that you're nervous. And I think unfortunately some of that anxiety is warranted. Yeah.

Okay. And so I'm not going to tell you not to feel nervous because sometimes people are assholes on the internet and that's just how it is. Yeah. And I'm sorry that you feel that way. What I am hoping is that what we're doing right now is we're rolling the dice. And my hope, honestly, Blair, my hope is that by exposing yourself, you have the opportunity to learn about yourself in a way that will help you more than the assholes on the internet can harm you. I see. Okay. How do you feel about that?

Sounds great. Right? So Blair, my hope is to like start you on the journey today to free yourself of this general problem. Yeah, I see. Okay. So now the question is like if you have a good stream, does that lead to increase in confidence or decrease in confidence? increase incorrect

that's what it should do right this is what we think is going to happen but what does it actually do to you like this is you just said I asked you when you have a good stream do you feel better about yourself and what did you say I said I think because it just makes me more nervous that the next one won't be as good as the last one exactly so this is the first really really important thing to understand

okay is that we think confidence comes from like if we think confidence comes from successes right but the truth is that somehow this decreases your confidence now that's kind of weird

because like now like let's just look at the situation that we're doing so like how like this is weird right so then what happens is like because here's the thing this goes here right yeah

and then anxiety increases and then this increases this increases, this increases. Then you control things more, and then you have a good stream, and then your confidence decreases. You see how it's a cycle? Uh-huh. And this is why you're screwed, right?

It's weird. Yeah. No, it's true. It's like, like I talked, I've given this example before, but like I used to, like on my personal Instagram, which has like maybe 100 followers that I used to use years ago, It's like if I was feeling very unconfident about the way I looked, it was like I would, I would dress up and I'd put makeup on and I'd take a cute selfie. And this was years ago. Like literally six, seven years ago, I'd take a selfie and post it and it'd get like 30 likes. And I'd be like, oh, like, people think I'm pretty. Like I'd feel so good about myself. But then there was a guy I was seeing at the time and it was like new. And he like showed me to his sister. And his sister like Instagram stalked me. And he said, wow, she must be full of herself because she has lots of selfies. And so like, Like ever since then, now I can't take pictures because it's like this battle of like, well, I want to be confident, but I don't want people to think that I'm a shitty person

because I'm trying to be confident. So it's this weird. Like there's like there's always like a battle between like, like trying to be like like happy with yourself. And then also like the way you present yourself. I don't know. Like does that make sense? Yes, it makes perfect sense. And we'll get there.

And this. So Blair, this comes down to the basic issue here is that your sense. of self-worth is determined by other people. I see. Okay. Right? So like you're taking it like, so if I'm taking a selfie because I want to take a selfie and and then people say like, oh, Dr. Kay is full of himself because he's taking

selfies. Like they're allowed to think that, but that's not why I'm doing it. Okay. And so like why does the, why do you value the reasons that they think you do it? over why you actually do it. Right? So they think that you do it because you're a narcissistic asshole. Yeah.

You do it because you like to take selfies. And so like, but what happens is that any time there's like, there's a conflict between you and them, you default to their position. There are a hundred people who say nice things to you. There's one person who calls you molding. And then you like default to that person. Yeah. So that's that's because literally what you're just.

doing is you have an opinion of yourself and then they have an opinion of you. Uh, what's, yeah, yeah, their opinion. And what you do is this. Yes. Right. So this is because, so this is because of a lack of confidence. So we're going to get there in a second. We'll talk more about that. Okay. Okay. So the first thing that that that, that, that, I mean, does that make sense? Because you don't have faith in yourself. You don't have a sense of your intrinsic worth. I also like I also just like I just like as stupid as it is it's like I just want them to be happy

Does that make sense? Like I just want like yeah Like that's yeah I don't know that you want them to be happy Or do you want them to like you? I think yeah maybe maybe like me I mean but if they like me then they're happy Right like I'm so now we get to the root of it

That's the problem Then though man blare you're giving me too much I'm sorry no it's great it's actually really good so now the question is when did you start believing that people liking you made them happy

that you have to be a particular way to make other people happy probably like high school okay so like that's where we need to dig into this belief because their happiness does not depend on them liking you. But like I understand that you have a part of your mind that believes that. Yeah. Right. So like this is something that's a big problem in our community, which is that we believe, first of all, that we have the capacity to make other people like us and also that we have

the capacity to make other people happy. Yeah. And the more that you try to get them to like you, and the more that you try to make them happy, the more this is. increases because you're valuing them over yourself. And then the question becomes, why do you value, does that make sense? You with me? Uh-huh. Then the question becomes,

why do you value yourself less than them? And that essentially comes back to confidence, or in this case, I would put it slightly differently, worth. So Blair, what are you worth? I don't know how to answer that. That's a hard question, right?

So let me put it to you this way. What are you worth when you're the top seller at your interior design place? I am worth millions of dollars. Absolutely. So we're going to call that a lot. Yeah. And then what are you worth if you no longer have that job? Zero dollars.

So we're going to call that very little worth. Yeah. And now we get to the core of your fear, which is that your worth as a human being is not intrinsic. It's based on external stuff. Yeah. And as long as that's true, as long as like, so now I'm going to turn this off for a second, okay? Okay. And we're going to go back to this and we're going to see your face for a moment. Maybe we can go back to the iPad. So here's the thing. As long as you...

I just see, why do I see two of me? Uh, shit. Oh, your shares. Screening myself. Yep. There, there we go. Boomer Dr. Kael catch up at some point.

Thank you. Thank you for letting me know, though. So here's the thing, like, like, as long as your worth is determined by external things, like, that's your, that's the very definition of lack of confidence, right?

Because, like, confidence is about worth that comes from within. Okay. And then the question becomes, well, how do you get that? Yes, you do. Very hard. Because what is your worth when it comes to baking?

I don't know. Are you good at baking? Yeah. But it's like nobody needs that. Nobody needs a cupcake. Where the fuck do you get that idea? I think the world would be a way better place. Just think about what you just said.

Yeah. Because I think the exact opposite is true. I think sometimes the only thing that people need is a cupcake. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, it's like it's so. frivolous like it's so it's not though okay so let me let me ask you a question so let's say hypothetically so I work at an inpatient psychiatric hospital there are lots of people there who are depressed suicidal addicted withdrawing and I go to I go to work every day and we talk about

all of their problems and we adjust their medications and stuff like that how fun do you think their life is not fun okay what do you think happens to their life if I bring in a dozen cupcakes and give one to each of my patients. I think they're excited about cupcake. Absolutely. I'm telling you, do not underestimate the value of a cupcake. I have always said that like the reason that I'm into baking is it, it's always been that way for me to like have an easy way to fit in if that makes sense.

Like if I go to a party, it's like I bring cookies. And then it's like people are like, oh, it's the girl that brought cookies. And so they're like nicer to me. Yeah. So I think that's, that's tricky, right? Because it's feeding into your insecurity. So here's kind of the punchline around confidence. Is, so if I, actually, let me ask you this. So let's say, like, I'm trying to teach my kid to ride a bike and she's got training wheels. Uh-huh. Right? So if I want, so when she rides a bike, the reason that she falls over is because she has, sorry, the reason she doesn't fall over is because she has training wheels or because she knows how to ride a bike. Probably because she has training wheels.

Absolutely, right? So if she's anxious about her ability to ride a bike and I add training wheels, her anxiety goes down and what happens to her confidence? It's lower because she's relying on the training wheels, right? Like she doesn't believe in her. Right? Okay. Okay.

Okay. So now we're going to go, we're going to go back. My cookies are my training wheels. Absolutely, my friend. Beautifully, beautifully put. Hold on. Okay. Now I've got to try to share this.

Now we're going to go back. Okay. Can you see this? Yes. Okay. All right. So now we're going to go back here. So here's the problem.

What happens if you don't wear a hat? My forehead looks big. Okay. And then you stream. Yeah. And then if you have a good stream, then what happens? If I stream and I'm not wearing a hat? Yep.

I mean, it doesn't matter because it's always, you know, a new person's going to come in tomorrow. Sure. What happens at the end? Oh, hold on a second. Hello? Hey. Huh?

Yeah. Oh, sweet. Okay. Come on. Okay. There we go. Fixed. Thank you.

Wow. Damn. My producers and tech people, though legit. That's great. Okay. So here's the thing. All right. So if you,

so if you don't wear the hat, your anxiety increases. But then what happens is you're taking the training wheels off. Yeah, okay. And here's the problem is that you could have a good stream or you could have a bad stream. Yeah. But the funny thing is, I think either way, your confidence is going to increase. Interesting.

Right? Because, like, if I have my kid and I take the training wheels off, she could fall. Yeah. It's going to happen. Yeah. But she's not always going to fall. And the more she falls or not false, the more she's able to tolerate her anxiety. Because, like, here's the, I mean, I don't know if you can imagine this, but literally, like, if I

talk to her about taking the training wheels off, she panics. Because she's afraid. Yeah. She's anxious. Yes. And so here's the thing. If you're talking about overcoming anxiety, wearing a hat is not overcoming anxiety.

It's feeding into it. Yeah. It's making it go away artificially. You know, if you use drugs or other forms of things to, like, make your anxiety, like, your, like, artificially decrease instead of grappling with it, you're confidence is never going to grow. All that's going to happen is you're going to fall into the cycle over and over and over again. Uh-huh.

And what you need to do, unfortunately, is face your anxiety. Right. And we kind of talk about that. And like with my daughter, like what we do is we take the training wheels off and then we explain to her that, hey, like you could fall, but you may not. I have faith in you. If you do fall, I'm going to be here and I'm going to help you get back up and we're going to try again. And the more that we do that, the more confident she's going to be. Interesting.

Okay. So here's the other thing. When it comes to baking and when it comes to you being funny, I think somewhere along the way, you let yourself crack a joke in spite of your anxiety. Yes. And when you crack jokes in spite of your anxiety, then what happens to your confidence? It goes down. confidence goes down or up?

I think down, doesn't it? Because isn't that just like a bad coping mechanism? I don't think so. So here's my thought. Okay? So like, I have a joke. Okay? And so then you have low confidence.

Right? So if you give into your low confidence, stay silent. Therefore, I'm not funny. Does that make sense? Yeah. Okay. So let's say, I am funny. This is what you believe, right?

Like, you know you're funny. Yeah. So if this route leads to I'm not funny, how do we get here? So how do you know you're funny? By making a joke and having people laugh at it. Make a joke. But, like, how did you make a joke if you're not confident? Okay, I see now.

Right? So the funny thing is this is possible too. This is inaction, coping, giving in to insecurity. This is insecurity and confidence like this, like is being secure and being confident the same thing? I think so. Okay. Well, sort of. So, so insecure confidence.

So let me just finish this. Do you get how like here, either you control for factors and don't open yourself up to hurt, which is giving in this insecurity, or you fucking roll the dice. Yeah. And then sometimes you make a joke, I'm not funny. Yeah. Right? Yes.

But here's the crazy thing is when I ask you about that, Blair, this is the only time that we've talked about you not doing a good job. And what are you doing right now? laughing how do you feel right now how do I feel in this moment I feel okay I don't know I feel okay why because I just talked about all the jokes that you made that aren't funny

and when you remember all the times you weren't funny how the fuck are you laughing instead of like falling into your anxiety because even when they're not funny they're kind of funny that's confidence my friend that's it Okay.

Even when I'm not funny, I'm funny. That's the fucking nature of confidence. Even when I have a bad stream, it's a good stream. Even when people call me balding, I'm a beautiful person. Okay. Do you see how literally what you're doing right now is something that's very, very important and very beautiful to see? Which is that you are accepting that you were flawed and you're fucking laughing in its face. And you're okay with it.

Yeah, but that's easy. Like, I don't know, being funny, like, saying, like, accepting your sense of humor is so much easier than, like, accepting the way you look. Is that fair? I think it's fair for you. Okay. Right? So I'm sure you can imagine that there are people out there who are, who beg to differ. Right?

There are people out there who are anxious about how funny they are. Okay. Yeah. And maybe don't care so much about their looks. But generally speaking, I agree that it's easier to be anxious about your looks than it is to be about, you know, being funny. I see two of me again. Oh, shit. Sorry.

Thank you. Okay. All right. Okay. So, but I think, like, so here's the thing is I think you've done it, right? So you've learned how to gain confidence. And the key thing is that you got to roll the dice at some point. And the more that you give in to your anxiety, and this is.

true of OCD as well. Like, I've worked with some people who have OCD and the more they feed their OCD like the stronger it grows. Yeah. So the most extreme case of OCD that I've ever heard of,

not a personal person. Like, I don't even know if it was real. So one of my OCD instructors once told me that like someone had such a phobia of bugs that they like they like dug into the ground around their bed and they dug a trench and they put like toxic chemicals.

They encircled their bed. They moved it to the middle of the room. They encircled their bed in a boat of toxic chemicals so that bugs couldn't fall inside. That's kind of hype. It's crazy. I think, well, I, I'm that way with, like, flying. Like, flying on airplanes is that way. Like, I'll drive 18 hours before I'll fly for the sake of avoiding a flight.

Yeah. And so the interesting thing is that when you do that, it makes that person feel less anxious because they feel protected. Yeah. But it doesn't actually, like, it makes your experience of anxiety less, and it makes the size of the anxiety beast in your mind bigger. Yeah. Yeah, I understand that. I think I think the hardest thing is like with the confidence is like I like after like years of like not being confident speaking of

I think I just like picked a zit so that's embarrassing years of not being confident like how I just don't know like it seems it seems like such a daunting task to try to like figure out how to be confident you know what I'm saying? Absolutely So so that it is exhausting So this is where I think it starts with like little things

right? So it starts with like, honestly, you've got to roll the dice and you've got to take a chance. Because I think the other big, big confusing thing is that people assume confidence comes from success, but actually confidence comes from failure. I see. What do you see? Like, are you saying, like, if you fail, then you can like, like, reflect on it in a way and know that you, like, at least you tried? Like, I, or like, you survived it or? That.

Okay. Right? Because here's the thing. Like, you're afraid. of something coming to pass. I'm afraid of failing a class. Yeah. And then once I actually fail a class

and then it's like, oh shit, I'm actually still around and I recovered from that. Like, you're down in the pits for a little while and then you come out of it. And that's where you have faith in yourself. That's where faith in yourself comes from. It comes from overcoming challenges,

not stacking the deck in your favor so that you don't have to face them. What about like, what about just like fitting in in general? You know what I'm saying? Like, how do you like, is that something you even spend your time worrying about? Yeah. So, absolutely.

Right? So at some point when it comes to fitting in, you have to take a chance. So you're not going to feel confident until you give people the chance to reject you and they don't. That sounds not fun. Yep. But you've done it before when it comes to jokes. Yeah, I see. Right?

Yeah. How concerned. are you about the Zit or whatever? It's like it's eating me up a lot inside. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So let's fine. No, it's not fine. Okay, so close your eyes, Blair. We're going to meditate now.

But it's bleeding. Okay. People can see my Zit's bleeding. Okay. I mean, that's, I know it doesn't feel all right. Well, now your camera's blurry, so I think we're fine. Okay. So Blair, can you put the tissue down? Okay.

No looking. So you feel it. Okay, never mind. You can leave it there. You want to leave it there? I can't do it. Yeah. Okay, just leave it there.

Close your eyes. Okay, so tell me what you feel. Anxious. Huh? I said anxious. Okay, what are you anxious about? My Zid is bleeding and it's gross. Okay.

And people are going to think of gross. Okay. So look at my face. Uh-huh. Wait, I can't see your face. Wait, why can't you see my face? I don't know. Shit.

There you guys. Okay, look at your face. I'm so sorry. Okay, so look at my face. Is this the face of someone who's grossed out? No. I don't know. Maybe you're pretending not to be grossed out.

Maybe you are grossed out. Okay, there it is, right? So now what's your mind doing? Maybe I'm pretending. Yeah. But the sensory, input that you're receiving. Now look at my face. Let's not, we'll get to whether I'm pretending in a second.

Is this the face of someone who has grossed out? No. Okay. So when you see the sensory input, what does your mind do? It continues to assume that you're exactly. Yeah. Exactly. Right. I've always said this is like a weird thing and maybe this is like totally off base. But like I've always said like it is like so my mom used to, uh, she used to text me. every single day and be like, I hope you're having a good day. Remember that you're beautiful or just like stuff like that.

Like just constantly telling me like positive things about myself. Sorry, this is super dumb. But then when she died, it was like, I lost that. And so it's like something as little as like being told something positive about yourself every single day to like not having that. I think like fucked me up. Yeah. Because it's like with and I'd always say like, oh, your mom has to say.

that like your mom has to be nice to you and that was my way of like oh it doesn't mean anything but now that I don't have someone who has to be nice to me it's like fuck what is that feeling of fuck sad yeah when did she pass away uh four years ago sounds like she was actually really supportive yeah she was awesome well I grew up so I grew up Mormon um and the rest of my family is very very LDS um and even my mom was LDS, but she was still supportive of me in like, like, even though, like, even though, I don't know if that makes sense. Like, even though I wasn't exactly holy or I wasn't perfect or I wasn't following the words of wisdom or all that Mormon stuff, unlike, like, my dad has said to me, like, oh, like, I'll never pay for your wedding if you don't get married at a Mormon temple,

which is fine. Like, it's like, I don't need my dad to pay for my wedding, but it's stuff, it's stuff like, that where it's just like, well, fuck, I'll never be good enough to him. But I was good enough to my mom, but no, she's not here to tell me that I'm good enough. I don't know. Is that weird? No, never at all. I don't know. So here's what I'm, I think everything just clicked for me, because here's what I'm hearing. I'm hearing that in order to be valued, you were taught, because we asked you this question earlier, right?

When did you learn that you had to like be a certain way and get people to like you to make them happy? I think like my whole life, right? I think it happened earlier than high school. I didn't say that. But now we kind of see because you've been taught your entire life that your value as a human being has nothing to do with who you are. It has to do with what you do on the outside. Yeah. And you had one person in your life who said, actually, whether you wear a hat or you're,

you wear makeup or this or any of that shit does not matter. I care about you for you. The person who you are, not the person that you pretend to be, not the top seller at the interior design, not the person who streams, but the person, the core of who you are as a person is someone that I like and value and appreciate. And she was the one beacon that gave you value in a world that judged you for all kinds of shit. Yeah, like stupid stuff. Like, if I wore tank top, my dad would, like, always be like, oh, you're, like, you know, showing yourself off.

And it's like, I don't know. Like, you know, like, just silly stuff like that. Like, I don't know. It's not silly, though, right? It's about as silly as giving someone a cupcake is meaningless. Yeah. Seriously, I'm not kidding. I mean, that's not a joke.

Yeah. Right? Because you do this thing where you invalidate a lot. and you downplay a lot of like what your experiences. You've called yourself, is this dumb? Am I dumb? You keep on saying that about yourself. No, Blair.

You're not dumb. It's not dumb. It's not insignificant. It's the very opposite. You undervalue so much of your experience and so much of your contribution, which is like, that's not fair because you're worth more than that, which is the whole reason we're having this conversation

because I don't think you understand that. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I just like, and it's one of those things where it's like, I feel like I've always struggled with, like, figuring out even the right route to go. Because, like, for example, and this is another big jump in things, it's like, so in high school, I, uh, I went to like rehab for two weeks for like, uh, like depression and an eating disorder. And then when I came back from rehab, everyone in high school called me crazy.

They called me like, oh, that girl that went to rehab. So it's like, even though I went to live and get help for. these things, it was like, well, I was harassed for that. So it feels like no matter what I do, there's a negative outcome. That just sucks. Like my, you know, like if I, if I feel like I don't fit in at school, because my sister is there and she's very Mormon and she would yell at me if I wore a certain thing to school, but then my friends wouldn't hang out with me if I was dressed a certain way. It was just like, it was a never-ending paths of like there's no way to go to please everyone.

and if I even try to make myself happy, it makes my family unhappy, or it makes my friends unhappy, or it does like, you know, it's just like, it's exhausting. Sounds like you're fucked. Yeah, there's no right choice ever, like, ever. Yeah, and I don't know if you remember,

but at the beginning we talked about conflict. Yeah. Right? How you're conflicted. Yeah. Do you share mental health stuff? Because it burns you. And like now, Blair, like, it's sort of making sense, right? Like, you're concerned about your appearance because it sounds like your entire life you've been judged based on your appearance.

And in such, it's, they didn't just judge you, like, they didn't judge your appearance. There's a difference between judging your appearance and judging you based on your appearance. Because, like, you were literally taught there was like 10 year old Blair who was taught that your value as a human being depends on whether you dress like a hustling. Yeah. You know, like there are certain things, and if you wear those things, your worth as a person decreases. Yeah. Which is kind of crazy. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. No, it is, yeah. And so here's the unfortunate thing, which is that that stuff like carries with you, right? Like your brain has been programmed. It's not that you're, I mean, sure, I'm sure you can get diagnosed with all. kinds of fit. But I don't think that you're sick. I think what you are is conditioned. Yeah.

You're conditioned to feel worse about yourself when it comes to your appearance. And somehow you've managed to undo some of that conditioning when it comes to things like baking or humor. Yeah. Because I'm not hearing your dad ever say, you're not a good human being because you've talked a joke. What I'm hearing him say is like, you're not a good human being if you wear a tan. top. Yeah. What do you think? How would have let's just pause for a second. I'm just seeing you process. Yeah, no, I'm just yeah, that's all I'm doing is that's yeah, that's what I'm doing. It's just, I just, I don't know, I don't know how, I don't know how to get better at it.

Like, I'd love to get better at it. I just don't know how. Great. That's an excellent question. So I think the first thing, so here's how you get better. Okay. So the first thing is that it sounds like you may actually, I don't know if you have mental health the treatment providers, but I think this is absolutely the kind of shit that you talk about in therapy. This may be therapy level stuff. And what I mean by that is like it sounds like at one point you had an eating disorder. There may be some kind of, I mean, I think I know, I think everything gets called anxiety. In your case, I really think about it more like trauma, to be honest.

Uh-huh. And not to say that you have PTSD, but like this is the other problem with mental health is that, you know, trauma can have effects on your psychology that are not PTSD. Yeah. And so I think understanding those, like, this is the whole problem is that everyone equates in psychiatry. They equate trauma with PTSD. But PTSD is a specific condition. But I think you've been, you know, taught lots of things about how your value is as a person.

I think you've got to explore those. That shit sounds traumatic. I also think, you know, unfortunately, I don't know if you can do this alone. Or maybe you can do it alone, but I don't think it's worth. worth it to try. So I think you should get help from some kind. And therapy may be a good idea, but it's not just therapy, right? Because I think the other thing that we're hearing is that, like, you had a very positive influence in your life that you haven't had for four years. And while there's no replacement for your mom, there should absolutely be people in your life

who treat you the same way that she treated you because you deserve that. Do you have other people like that? Yeah, but I think it's a lot of pressure to put on somebody, right? Like, nobody should have to, like, I don't know. Like, I don't expect anyone to be nice to me. Yeah, so that thought needs to change. When you say it's a lot of pressure to put on someone, what are you putting on them? I don't know, them to be, like, you know, like, that's a lot.

Like, I don't know. It's a lot to like. Sure. So. Care about somebody. You know, like, and I don't want to ask people. to care about me. Like, I don't know.

Why not? Uh, is it selfish? So just because it's selfish doesn't mean that you don't deserve it. I don't think, and this might be totally off base, but I don't think anybody, like, deserves anything. I don't know. Like, I don't think I deserve anything. I think I have to, like, work hard to earn it.

Like, I don't deserve anyone. to care about me. I don't, does that make sense? It does make sense. I just disagree. Okay. I think that you or were people caring about you. What do you think about that?

Maybe. I don't know, maybe. I'll take a maybe. That's good enough. Yeah. It's okay for you to say no, because I think this is a foreign concept to you. Yeah.

So I think you've got to think about it. And I agree that you should work for what you get in life. And also, like, let me put it to you this way. Let's say I show up at the hospital with my dozen cupcakes. Do those people deserve cupcakes? No, I guess not. They, see. They do in a way of, like, you can make them happier.

Yeah, so that's the really tricky thing, right? So, like, I would actually say, even though I know this doesn't make any sense, and maybe this is a problem with the language that we're using, I'd say yes. Yeah. I'd say they do deserve a cupcake. I'd say that if your life is in the shitter, it's okay for you to feel and for other people to feel beholden to making your life better. I think it's okay to ask someone to care about you.

Even though in a sense it's not fair, you don't owe them anything. And that's the problem with I think the word deserve is it's not like they owe you anything, but you absolutely deserve it. you deserve to have people in your life who care about you as a person because that's something that all human beings deserve yeah and and the simplest way that I think about it is sure your mom has to care about you but like that's just the start it doesn't mean that other people don't like that's actually the fucking problem

is that we live in a society where we generally don't as human beings we don't think that we owe other human beings caring and like also that we don't acknowledge that we ourselves deserve to be cared for. You know, like, I deserve to be loved. Like, I'm so fucking loopie. So do my kids. And so do you.

So does Twitch chat. I don't know where along the way we, like, decided that independent, like, I don't know what's happening. But like, it sounds mind-boggling to me that I think they do deserve cupcakes. Yeah. Okay. I think you have the capacity to make other human beings happy and that that's a responsibility that you have.

And similarly, like, that's not a one-way street. like you deserve to be on the receiving end of cupcakes. You deserve people to be baking for you too. Why not? It's weird. Yeah. No, it all makes sense.

It makes a lot of sense. I mean, if anything, like I am, like, I feel like I am always that person that's like, okay, like,

you know, like even though I say like, oh, they don't deserve cupcakes, I'm still the one that's like, even if they don't deserve them, like, I want other people to be happy.

So here you go. Like, here is this. Like, I feel like I'm, I feel like my happiness. Like, I get like, making other people happy,

happy, even if I give them a hundred percent happiness, at least it gives me like a feeling of 1% because I did that. Like, I helped them be happy. So that makes me happier. But at the end of the day, I feel like sometimes maybe that's not enough. Like, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, it's not enough because you know what needs to happen is that needs to be a two-way street, Blair. Right? So like, you should be doing that for them and they should be doing that for you. And I think what's happened is I I don't know if you have people in your life like your mom because like, you know, it's kind of your mom's job. But she goes out of her way to make your life better on a daily basis. Yeah.

There's no one like that ever. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, I don't think, I don't think there. My mother was insane, like, in that way. Like, and she juggled it. Like, she, every single one of her kids felt that way. Every single one of her friends felt that way. It's like, it's insane.

It's crazy. Like, I don't, I don't even know how to be like that. And I witnessed it for years, you know? And so it's just like, I was just really fucking lucky. Uh, and so it sucks to lose that. It does. Absolutely. And I think you may be closer to your mom than you think you are in terms of being able to do that. She had a little bit more practice than you do.

Yeah, she was insane. Yeah. But yeah. I don't know. Sounds like you miss her a lot. Yeah. I don't really know what to say now. It's okay.

I'm just going to be quiet for a second. While my brain tries to figure out what I should do. We've done it. We've broken him. I'm confused. Are we talking about today, Blair? Who knows? I don't know.

How to be happy, I think. Is that what we're doing? Sure. So what do you think? How do you be happy? I think... Good side, by the way. I think it's like the forehead answer where it's like, oh, just accept yourself forehead, but that's a journey. And how does one go about accepting themselves?

What are a couple steps along that journey? I don't know yet. Based on what we talked about, I feel like maybe stop like using my examines. anxiety as a crutch essentially. And hopefully that'll help boost some confidence, no matter how stressful that sounds. Oh, it's absolutely. It's going to be stressful.

So let me just clarify. So I don't think it's stop using your anxiety. I'd say pick a tiny, tiny training wheel. You've got big training wheels and you have tiny, tiny ones. Yeah. So notice, you know, when you're doing something to alleviate your anxiety and recognize that, like, ultimately for your anxiety to be gone, you can't be alleviating it all the time.

Yeah, I'm curious what your thought is on, like, so for example, like social anxiety, right? So if I, like, go into a room, and this is just based on something a therapist in the past has told me, and I'm curious if it works, because at the same time, I can see it also hindering, like being a crutch in some way, or kind of doing the opposite of what you've said. Like, so essentially what she told me to do is like, if I go into a room, you know what I'm anxious and I'm like, oh, that person hates me. Like, everybody hates me here. Everybody hates me. Or let's say Sam.

Some guy named Sam. Sam hates me. Sam can't stand me. Sam thinks I'm done. Sam, blah, blah, blah, blah. All these negative things. What she said to do was then go back and write down the thought. So Sam hates me.

And then write down the reality, which is Sam has not said that he hates me. and then write down like the, like what the actual, the new thought should be, which is Sam has not said anything that signifies that he hates me, so he does not hate me. Is that still valuable or is that just a crutch in that way? What do you think? I don't know. I'm scared it's a crutch.

I don't think it's a crutch, but I think that it doesn't work for everyone. That's what I would say. Okay. So let's understand like what that practice actually does. So the problem with anxiety is that we assume that thoughts are facts. Yeah. Right? So this is a practice that encourages you to recognize that your thoughts are not truth,

they're just thoughts. Yeah. And in your case, I think this is a very important thing to learn because you have a lot of thoughts that come from your conditioning. But just because you were conditioned to believe a certain thing doesn't make that thing true. like wearing a tank top does not mean anything about it. It just means you're wearing a tank top. Yeah.

Right? But like people in the Mormon church may believe, like, is in a factual way that wearing a tank top means that you are a bad person. Yeah. And like they're, and it's not, it's not that absurd of a belief. Right. So like, we can judge, we judge people based on. what they wear all the time. Like, if I walk around, like, if I go to like a kindergarten and I'm wearing nothing but a speedo, like, that's not acceptable, right? So, like, it's like human beings

all the time judge people for the articles of clothing that they wear, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. Also, if I, like, you know, go to the hospital in a speedo, like, that's not good. Honestly, anywhere in a speedo. Anywhere in a speedo is not acceptable. It's not acceptable. So, so like, you know, it's not, it's not necessarily that they're wrong. It's just that, you know, thoughts are not facts. And so what that practice does is it helps you recognize that your thoughts are not facts.

It's not the only way. What I seem to try to do is instead of like doing that practice, I like, I just like have become very confrontational over the years. And so now it's just like, I'll just approach the person and be like, are you mad at me? Do you not like me? It's like trying to get an answer. And then it's like, great. I walk away from that conversation thinking, okay, they said that they are not mad at me and that they do like me,

but they lied. Like, it's like, yep. So we can see that the root of the thought is not fixed by the reassurance. All the reassurance does is alleviates the anxiety in the short term. That's a training wheel. Okay. Right?

Because like all you're doing, it's the equivalent of putting on a baseball hat to manage your anxiety of, you know, whatever. Yeah. So it's just it's covering it up. And that can be exhausting for other people. I'm not trying to scare you. But sometimes what happens is that a lot of some people need a lot of reassurance. And the problem is that when you reassure someone in a relate, sort of, when you reassure someone in a relationship, sometimes it can feed their need for reassurance. And it's kind of tricky because like sometimes you just, they deserve to be, you know, you deserve some degree of reassurance. Like it's healthy. Yeah. So it's too much. Like I know it's too much personally. Like I know I need reassurance. way too much and I don't, I want to know how to stop that because it's so obnoxious. Here's how you stop it. Where do you get the idea in the first place that they hate you? Anxiety. Yeah.

Where does that come from? So like when did you- Me not liking myself. Is that like a canned answer? That's actually what you believe. No, I think, I think it's like, it's like, oh, since I don't like myself, why would anybody else like me? Good.

So why don't you like yourself? I don't know. Okay, so now this comes back to confidence. Shit. Right? So like, you're right, Blair, that like, in order to reap this anxiety out root and stem, and it makes sense. Like, if you don't see any value in yourself, how on earth would other people see value in you? Like, it's not illogical. It's not dumb. In fact, it's the exact opposite. Right? It makes perfect sense. But then the question becomes it comes back to, like, why don't you see value in yourself?

Like, Blair, are you a good person? Yes. Do you believe that? Yes. I've never done, like, yeah, I'm not a bad person. Okay. I've done lots of good things. Do you have value as a human being?

You know, like, I feel like anything I do, anybody else could do. Okay, so see, see, there we go. So are you a good person? Yes. Are you a valuable person? So there you go again, devaluing yourself. Yeah. Because I don't think anything that anything you could do could be done by anyone else.

I don't believe that. It sounds to me like you're a specific, I think you are probably one of the best people in the world to bake a cake and put a joke on top. Okay. Right? So like I think that some people can't do what you do. But there you go, devaluing yourself. And now we get to the most difficult question. Are you attractive?

No. right so like that's kind of interesting so like are you a good person sure are you do you have value no and are you i mean maybe and then are you attractive and you say no now now somewhere in there you have certain perceptions about who you are as a person and i don't know where those were born but i think you've got to figure those out right so like how long have you been you know, when were you taught that your value? Yeah. So actually, I mean, I can even answer this for you. So I think like we know in terms of like your value is another person, the only things that you value about yourself or when you have clear overwhelming evidence that you're superior to others. And that's why you compare. That's why you're perfectionistic. Right. So like the reason you're perfectionistic, it's not because you're messed up in some way. It's because.

The only way that you can convince yourself that you have value is if you're, if you're at the top of your class. And so in a weird way, that's a training wheel for your lack of self-work. Because if you can prove to everyone else and yourself, you're like, look at this medal I have. See how gold it is. Then I'm a good person. Yeah. So where did you get like when did this, this idea that you have to be a gold medalist to have value?

Like, where did you learn that? Like, who taught you that? I don't, it's weird because, like I said, like, my mother was very, like, supportive no matter what. So I don't know where it came from. I think it might have come, like, internally maybe. Because, like, like, for example, like, my brother was, like, varsity basketball, played basketball in college. My other brother was varsity basketball, played basketball in college. My sister was varsity volleyball, played volleyball in college.

I got cut from the volleyball team. There it is. I was bad at it. Everything. And what did your dad say when you got cut from the volleyball too? He was nice. Like he, you know,

he took me and got ice cream. But it's like, it, I think it was just like a self-comparison thing. Like, always trying to catch up with everyone else. Because I was just, I'm just bad at shit.

Like, I'm just not good at those things. So it was just like, I think, I don't know where it came from exactly. Because my dad was even supportive if I, if I didn't. I think it was more just like,

I put it on myself because I just wanted to fit it. with my own family because it's like I didn't fit in like they're all very religious and I didn't fit in that way so was my way to fit in was trying to be good at sports but I was awful at sports and so maybe it's that like no one put pressure on me besides myself I think in that context so that makes sense and yet I'm going to disagree because I think I think if you feel like you don't fit in in your family like that's not just something that the default is that kids like they fit in. Oh.

Right? Okay. I think I know why. I think I know why it's very, it's very heavy chat. I don't want you to get like, you know, I don't want anyone to feel a certain way,

but I actually think I know why, and I've never like tied this together until literally this moment. But, and I've said this on my chat before, so it's like, it's fine. As a kid, I was,

um, sexually molested by a neighbor and it made me feel like I would never fit in because as a Mormon, you have to be perfect and you have to be pure and I was taking advantage of and what was I supposed to do? So maybe it's that, like, because that I remember just never like, you know, like, oh, now I have this big secret that I can't tell anyone my family because I don't want anyone to get in trouble because he told me that I couldn't tell anybody or I'd get in trouble. And so it could just be that maybe And so

I was imperfect from like age seven And so like how am I supposed to fit in with everyone else Right so like let me ask you something Blair Are you imperfect? Yeah but I think everyone is Are you more imperfect than other people? No

You sure? Yes So that's confusing to me. Yeah. This whole time, what you've been telling us is the opposite. Yeah. Well, no, because I think perfection and value are different. Is that weird?

Sure. Yeah. So, no, no, it's not weird. So I think this is good. So like, so now let's let me just tell you a couple of other things. Okay. So first of all, in a sense, not surprising. So like just statistically, right?

So if you look at women or just people who tend to have a low sense of self-worth, have eating disorders and anxiety, and we kind of talked about trauma, right, a little while ago. Oftentimes, there is something like sexual, physical, or emotional abuse at a very young age. Yeah. And that happens. So like eating disorders as well are about controlling things that are out of your control. Yeah.

And what I'm hearing from you, like, because like basically the threat of this entire conversation is that you on the inside are not good enough. Yeah, but I also, I feel like it's a, it's a consistent problem. And so that's why it's like, I feel like it just requires a lot of self-reflection slash I feel like that's why I've accepted it. Because like no matter what I do, it's like a reoccurring theme in my life. Like I dated someone who was physically violent with me. I did another person that constantly told me I wasn't good enough for them. So it's just like, it's just like this, this never-ending cycle, it seems. And I don't know if I, like, put myself in those situations or how, like, why it always

seems to happen. Yeah. So we can talk about that too. So here's the crazy thing. I think that I know this is, I'm not blaming you for this, but I've seen this pattern over and over again. It's something that's actually well described as something called the repetition compulsion. So something.

about, so I think we should look at how you select people that you go out with. And my guess, maybe this is conversation for a different day because this is a whole other can of worms, is that there are some people who treat you with more value than you believe you deserve and that you actually pull away from them. And you gravitate towards people that make you feel the way that you feel about yourself. Because that shit makes sense. Right? And like when you walk in and everyone's like, oh, hey, like, Blair's here. Awesome, Blair.

And then you're like, I'm confused. I forgot my cupcakes. And they're like, that's no problem. And that's fucking confusing for you. Yeah. And then like what makes more sense to you is like the group of people. And that makes you uncomfortable. And then the next day you go to a party. And then they're like, oh, hey, Blair's here. And you're like, oh, hey, Blair's here. I forgot my cupcakes. And they're like, well, fuck, go get them.

Go back home and get them. And then you're like, oh, okay, fine. And oddly enough, you're more comfortable with the second group than with the first group. Because they treat you the way that you believe you deserve to be treated. Yeah. I don't, I don't know. It's so strange because I feel like every single person that I've ever dated has been so drastically different. Like the first guy, it was kind of like, he was, he was.

crazy. He was very insane. And that one makes sense. But then, like, and that was the, that was, like, the physically abusive guy. And then the next guy was very, very sweet, but would constantly, like, when I would say, like, you know, like, what are your thoughts on me? They'd be like, oh, well, you don't check all my boxes. Like, you're like a, you know, you're, you're not. They don't sound that different to me. That's so weird, because they're, like, very different people, but like, but it is true. Like, I get confused when people are nice to me. Like, like, all. be like, well, why did you do this? Yeah, so here's the, here's the tricky thing.

So when there is someone who you could prospectively date and they're nice to you, do you pull away from them? Yes. I guess, I guess for like many months. But now I'm in a situation where I feel like I'm with someone that is very nice to me. Good. Now be careful because do they, so like, that's the weird thing, right? It's like, it's strange, but you do pull away from them because that's what you were taught.

It's kind of like, you know, if I, I can't come up with a good analogy. But like, you know, I'm going to gravitate towards people who share my view because it can be really confusing. You know, if I walk down the street and everyone thinks that like I'm a dog, like, I'm not, it's hard for me to relate to those people because I don't think I'm a dog. But I'm going to relate to the people. It's easy. It's more comfortable for me to be with what I know. Yeah, I guess it does make me more anxious because it's like, well, then why would, why would you? you be with me if you're so nice?

Exactly, right? And so then those kinds of thoughts when they get out of hand can actually torpedo the relationship. Yes, very much so. Because, and there we have it. We can dig into this in more detail if you want, but I think maybe enough for today. What do you think? Yeah, that's good. How are you feeling?

I feel fine. I feel like you know, there's no abrupt answer but I feel like so I mean my biggest thing my biggest question I guess is what do I do instead of looking for that reassurance like what do I do instead of saying

oh do you like me? Do you hate me? Are you sure you don't hate me? Like what do I do to stop that? So the first thing you've got to do is stop feeding it. Okay? So like this is where like you're going to have an impulse right? And and like there are times where you're going to give in to the impulse and there are going to be times where you resist the impulse. Just do so with awareness. Just say like, oh, hey, I'm feeling like this person really dislikes me right now. And it would really make me feel better if I asked them and got some reassurance.

And then decide, can I tolerate this feeling of anxiety right now? Or is it too much? if I can I if it's almost like like I call it urge surfing so urges can be like surfed they don't last forever and over time like it'll like so here's like the anxiety like goes up and then it peats and then even if you do nothing about it it's going to go down you're not going to be anxious for the rest of your life which is not how it works they come and they go so you figure out what you can surf like what can you manage what can you wait until like the tide rolls out again and then you're like in a good space. And then the other thing that you do is you watch.

As you go and you reassure yourself, I want you to hold on to a small part of Blair, who's watching and is saying, okay, here's my anxiety. My anxiety is an 80 out of 100. I'm going to walk up to him. I'm going to ask him a question, and I'm going to listen to the words,

and I'm going to watch. Don't even pay attention to the words. Watch what happens in your anxiety. And he says, yeah, no, you're awesome. I like you a lot. And then you're like, that's fucking weird. It went from an 80 to a 90. Because it doesn't go down right.

You have to ask again. You have to ask again. And then the fourth time you ask. Are you sure? And then after four or five times, then it's like, oh, it went from a 95, like, back down to 70. And you're like, hold on. I'm still feeling kind of anxious and not even that much better than before. And as you start to like reflect and understand like how to play this game that is Blair's light, you'll start to get control over it.

Okay. And like literally, like, here's another just very simple example. So you want to meditate? Yeah, we can meditate. Do you meditate? You know how to meditate? I used to do a lot. Okay. I used to a lot. Okay. So I don't much anymore.

I'm going to be, can I be a little bit? Can I challenge you? Yes. Okay. So sit up straight, back straight, next straight. Okay. All right. Eyes closed. Okay. So it's going to be hard. Okay. You gotta let me know if it's too much.

Okay. I'm gonna troll you just a tiny mouth. Okay. So think about taking off your hat. Okay. How do you feel? Right? So there is. Good. I'm not actually gonna ask you to take off your hat, so don't want you about it. But I want you to feel that feeling, right? So like all it takes is a thought and then what do you feel? Uncomfortable. Okay. What does that feel like? Um, uh, it feels like, like, like, You know, like, it's hard to describe.

It feels like, uh, instantly like I can't my, like I can't think straight. Um, like my chest is tight. Good. So like watch that. So hold on to a tiny piece of Blair and recognize that like, you're in danger mode, right? Because like until I told you, I'm not going to ask you to take it off. I can imagine you're like, oh shit, is he going to ask me to take it off? Yeah.

Right. So like there's all of that anxiety. So sit with that for a second, that chest tightness. And now breathe in. it. So tilt your head up a little bit. Good. There we go. Now breathe in. Feel that expansion in your chest and then let the tightness pull your chest back in. Now just breathe out. Let your chest recoil. Now notice what's happening to the anxiety. It's probably there. You still feel it? Is your mind stopping to function? It's more in my mind. Okay. More in your mind as opposed to

That's like my obsessive thinking. Like it just goes and goes and goes. Okay, good. So I want you to notice that it's going and now return to your breath. So breathe in and then exhale very slowly. So continue to breathe. Keep one eye on the mind. And with the other eye, the analogy is going to fall apart.

I want you to listen to the sound of your exhalation. Okay, I got it. Are you able to hear it? Mm-hmm. Okay, deep breath in. And now what I want you to do, try to increase the sound of the exhalation by contracting your throat. I know it sounds weird. So just do whatever you can to make the sound of exhalation larger.

Are you able to adjust it at all? Isn't that like an ujjayi breath? Is that it? Oh, shit. Next level shit. Yeah, that's what we're. we're going. How the fuck do you know that?

Therapy and yoga for years. Yes. We're moving towards, so do you know how to do ujjayi pranayam? Yeah. Okay, so do ujjayi pranam. Is that ujjayi breath? What the fuck? Slow playing your yoga expertise. So what's happening in your mind as you do ujahi breath?

It's more focused on. the breath than it is the thoughts. So what's happening to the thoughts is the result? They're quieting. Okay. What happened to that anxiety about you taking your hat off? It went quiet. I know it's still in my brain, but it went back in its box for right now.

Right? So close your eyes. And now we're going to bring it out. No. Absolutely. Nope. Sorry. You screwed yourself.

Blair. When you mentioned Ujjay, that's when I decided to push you even further. Okay. Okay. So think about taking off your head again. Tell it. Open up the box and say, come on out, buddy. It's there. Yeah. Good. There it is. The second. Like, that's the thing is no matter how much I seem to quiet it or comment, it takes like a snap of a second or a snap of a comment or a snap of a thing to bring it all back out. There, there you go. Okay. So now, yes. The discomfort is there. return to Ojaie. Right?

So for those of you who don't know, so like OJai breath is contracting your throat. So constricting your throat so that the sound of the breath increases, it almost sounds like a whistling. You can also raise your soft palate if you know what that sounds like or what that is. Is it dwindling at all? Yeah. Okay. So now we're going to do the third version. Okay.

So now we're going to let it out again. and this time we're going to do something really tricky. We're going to let it be there and just watching. Now we know that we can put it back in the box. So once we learn how to put it back in the box, I know I can see it's hard for you. Good. Yeah.

So we're not going to put it back in the box. Okay. Because now have faith in yourself that you can make it go away. You can control it. But let it out. Now let it go. all of those thoughts are going to come roaring back right all of these ideas of you being ugly and impure and all of this shit like see it it's so huge it's a tornado of negativity and it's there and it's awful and Blair is there too you're still there the funny person who makes cupcakes and can both of them exist at the same time yeah what's that like feels like normal, I guess.

Okay. So if it feels normal, does that mean that this is what you're usually like? This is your default state, which is that your anxieties are present? Okay, good. Yeah, it always feels like half of me is perpetually stressed about something always. Good. So just notice that and recognize that you can coexist there. In a sense, it sounds like it's normal for you, which sounds awful.

But at the same time, I know. this sounds bizarre, Blair, but I think that you started the process of rewiring your neurons and have changed some of the automaticity of your thoughts even over the last five minutes. Because it's weird. Like, you can do this. Right? So the first thing is that you learn how to put it back in the box. And secondly, you don't even need to put it back in the box. Yeah. But how do I get rid of it? You don't. I mean, you can. but the way that you get rid of it is by not crying to get rid of it. So all you have to do is stop feeding it and it'll wither away.

Oh, it's like the wolf, the wolf thing, yeah. Exactly. Right? So at some point, you know, I don't know when you put on your hat, but I would say in private, you know, consider taking off your hat. consider not wearing a hat with particular people and notices those thoughts come up and recognize that that's the wolf

scratching at the door wanting to be fed. Yeah. And the more you feed it, the bigger it grows and the hungrier it gets. So you can reverse that cycle in tiny, tiny, tiny ways. Right. Also work with a therapist.

Right. Right. And there's a lot of stuff about purity and relationships and stuff and we're just getting started. But yeah. Okay. How do you feel?

Good. It feels like a good refresher, like a good reminder, a good, like a good like reminder of like which path I should be taking versus how I have been dealing with it even though I know better. Like I know I know better. I know these things that you just told me. Yes. But I have gotten lazy, I think. Yeah.

So that too, you've got to be a little bit forgiving towards yourself. Yeah. Right? So knowing what to do is not the hard part. Like the other thing is you're smart. So you're going to know what to do pretty easily. It's the actually like, you know, like I mean, so my wife has a joke that I can, I collect exercise equipment. Uh-huh.

And what is a collection? It's a bunch of shit that you never use, right? Like a stamp collection, like you never use the stamps. So I collect exercise. Like, I know that I should exercise. Actually exercising is the hard. Yeah. So pat yourself some slack and do what you can.

And I think you can be free of this, Blair. I really do. It'll take some time. And we're probably talking years, okay, to be honest. Yeah. But you can be free of it. Absolutely. And good luck with the full-time streaming.

Yeah. Yeah. We'll see what happens. Okay. Any questions before we wrap up? No. Thank you so much. You're very welcome.

you. This is awesome. I think you're, it was fun for, you know so much, which actually makes it really fun for me because I feel like I'm not teaching you the basics. I'm teaching you more stuff. Yeah. No, it's helpful. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Good luck. Okay. Take care. Adios. Bye. Bye. Okay. Chat.