HealthyGamerGG - The Fear of Being Accepted

Episode Date: October 24, 2022

Dr. K dives into acceptance, rejection, and self-esteem. Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Now that this person is starting to really accept me, let me trauma dump on them to push them away. Let me do something that tests the boundaries of the relationship. Because I'm not quite sure. I think this person is BSing me. So let me sabotage a little bit. And if they really care about me, then they'll stay. Realize I don't fear rejection. I fear being accepted. And that is what might be holding me back.

Hear me out. I-22M just got to a point where I could easily ask a girl out. And the odds of her accepting are pretty high. However, I'm scared of doing it. Not because I fear the rejection. In fact, being rejected would be painful at least, but at least it would be comfortable. I actually fear the unknown and that there is after being accepted, especially when it comes to what my family and even other people would think of me going on a date. Yeah, I don't know exactly why, but I feel ashamed if my family knew. Dating is very, very daunting and I fear it, even though I want it so much. I feel like I discovered a gold mine inside my mind that I had never explored. Maybe I was trying to. to fix the wrong problem. I think it clicked now. Just posting here because I had the realization, maybe someone else feels this way. Awesome. So thank you for posting. And that's what we try to do here is help things click in people's minds. So today we're going to talk a little bit about how on the surface we sometimes fear rejection. But actually what can be more daunting than rejection is actually

acceptance. And the key thing about this is that a lot of times will self-sabotage. And we're kind of really frustrated with ourselves, right? Because we recognize that we're like sabotaging particular situations, but people don't really know like how to stop. And one of the key features of self sabotage in my experience has been a fear of acceptance. And that may sound really weird because like why on earth would you fear being accepted? Isn't acceptance what you want and what you crave? Isn't that like what we all talk about? Like, oh my God, like I want unconditional acceptance. Like I want people to accept me as I am. Instead of needing to change who I am to fit other people's whatever, right? That's how we think about it. But as it turns out, for a lot of reasons that we'll go into,

first of all, sometimes we actually seek rejection instead of acceptance. Sometimes it's the fear of acceptance that actually paralyzes us as opposed to the fear of rejection. And that puts us kind of in a bind because if we want acceptance, but we're afraid of it, then we feel really, really stuck. So a lot of what this can kind of manifest as is a combination of, it can look like sabotage. It can look like self-sabotage. It can look like feeling stuck and kind of wanting something, but being unable to actually reach for it. And then that results in self-judgment. So what's going on here? Where does this stuff come from? And how on earth does a human being become comfortable with rejection? So we have to understand a couple of things about evolution, the human brain, and kind of how

we work. The first is that we generally speaking are going to be survival-oriented. not happiness oriented. So I recently saw that there was a major hurricane that hit the southeast portion of the United States. And I saw like, you know, videos of animals huddling in particular places that appeared safe in the moment. Right? So let's say there's a hurricane.

There's a group of birds that are like hiding in a building. And so if you think about like what it's like to be that bird, even though being stuck in the building is terrible. The bird doesn't say, like look around and say, hey, like this building sucks. Like let me go, let me risk going out into the hurricane and like finding a safer or better. place. Once we sort of are in a safe place that we know we can survive, it becomes really, really

difficult to go out and explore for other things. This is a bias that evolution has given us, right? If you have something that's not ideal, but you're relatively safe and you can survive in that situation, then don't go looking for other things. This is across the whole animal kingdom. That across the whole animal kingdom, we will prefer, you know, grubby survival, a difficult survival over the risk of like prosperity and happiness and goodness. But if we like, if we know we can survive here, we're not going to risk going out and winding up in a worse situation. So let's think about that for a second as well. So what I found from people who are comfortable with rejection, but fear acceptance is that early on, they tended to be rejected

a lot. So I'm going to try to illustrate this a little bit with the iPad. Okay. So let's just take quick look. So let's try to understand what it's like for someone who gets rejected. So early on in life, here I am. And then I go, I try something and then I get rejected. R1. Okay, so that kind of sucks. And then I go out and I try something again. I go out and I try something again. Oh, that turned into a B, but it's really an R, R3. And so what do you think my brain believes about the future ventures? What can I expect? So it believes fundamentally that the world is a dangerous place, where rejection is likely. And since oftentimes people who are afraid of acceptance

grow up in very like rejecting households, they sort of learn how to survive these three scenarios. Right? So this is what happened. I can survive this. But I don't know. So if like over here there's going to be more and more rejections, eventually I'm going to hit a rejection that is so damaging

that I won't be able to survive it. Right? Because now like what reason do I have to believe that the world is like a kind and welcoming place? Actually, I have a lot of evidence. to suggest that it isn't. So our brain is designed to develop patterns that predict behavior. That's what makes us human. Right? So we start making predictions about the world. So when I start to form these kinds of rejections, what ends up happening is I have core beliefs that start to form. People are untrustworthy. The world is a dangerous place. Okay? We start to believe these things. And you may

wonder, like, why do we start to believe these things? Like, what is the value of believing these things? And this is really important to understand. All of these thoughts are actually protective. So I'll give you all just an example. Okay. So if I'm interested in making a friend, but I believe that I'm fundamentally broken, and then the friend, let's say, rejects me. If I'm broken, then that sort of makes sense. And I can sort of tolerate that rejection easier. This is really important to understand. Because if I don't deserve friendship in the first place, like everything sort of makes sense. I have a reason. I have an excuse, right? I'm fundamentally broken. So it helps me cope with rejection.

to just believe that I don't deserve it. Because it's way harder to believe you deserve something. Okay, so let me put it to you this way. So remember that happiness and suffering is the difference between our expectations and our reality, right? If I threw a birthday party and invited 20 of my best friends

and prepped everything, we were going to have barbecue and nachos and cake and I rented out like an awesome space for us to have fun in, it's going to be so much fun. and then zero people show up. This gap is my suffering. So if you look at, for example, like yogis and Buddhism, they'll sort of say that reducing your expectations

is the fastest way to get rid of suffering. So if you just don't expect much, like you're not going to be disappointed. Like, I heard amazing things about this movie Morbius, and then I went to watch Morbius, and it was not the most amazing thing in the world. So if we think about if I'm broken, what does that do for me?

If I deserve zero people and zero people show up, there's less suffering, right? Because I just don't expect it of my, like, I just don't, people, I don't deserve to be happy. So then when people reject me, like, it's okay. So it's kind of bizarre, but these sort of, these kind of like rejection, these core beliefs and like believing that you're broken and believing that you don't deserve to be happy and believing that you deserve to be rejected actually protects you from the hurt. Because then when someone rejects you, it's like, oh, like, I knew that was going to happen. Like, what did I expect? Of course this is going to happen. So now we get to a really tricky situation.

If I believe that I'm broken and I don't deserve happiness and rejection is my baseline. And I've learned to accept rejection because it helps me be numb and it helps reduce that suffering, lowers my expectations. Everything is as it is supposed to be. At least the world makes sense. So now acceptance becomes very dangerous. So sometimes what we'll discover is if someone has low self-esteem and they start to get accepted, now things become very, very dangerous

because, like, I'm supposed to be broken. People aren't supposed to like me. So as I start to become accepted, it becomes confusing. It's suddenly like, back when I was a kid, I determined I'm not worth it. I learned this just as deeply as I learned gravity. And now if people start accepting me later in life, it's almost like gravity gets turned on its head

and like what was up is down and down is up. And it gets very, very confusing. And then since, remember, I believe that fundamentally the world is an unsafe place, if I don't know the rules of the game, and like I can't, I don't know how to play this game and the world is fundamentally dangerous, now I've entered into unexplored,

fundamentally unsafe territory. And this terrifies me. Because I don't want to play this game. I know how to, I can play this game. I know the rules here. Not only do you know the rules of rejection, you can even control the amount of rejection. Right.

If you're someone who's really, really has low self-esteem, you know exactly what I'm talking about. where you can titrate the rejection. They're going to reject you. You can titrate it, right? You can have them reject you more, or you can have them reject you less. You know how to mitigate that rejection

to make it feel... So then what happens is now we're in unexplored territory. It's fundamentally unsafe. So what do you do when you're out in choppy waters and you don't know where you're going or what's going on? You sabotage. And you invoke...

You sabotage it. You say, okay, this area feels unsafe, but this area, I know exactly. how this works. This feels way safer. I can control it. I can handle it. I can survive it. But what's actually even more devastating is the idea of like then believing that you're no longer broken. Because as we get accepted, we start to believe I'm not broken. And the thing is, this is the most dangerous and painful belief of all. Because what hurts the most? Being a broken, like the act of breaking, or then having all the shattered pieces just on the countertop? It's the act of

breaking that is actually the most painful. And you learned that, right? Because this first rejection hurts so much and then you were broken again and you were broken again. The act of breaking is the most painful part. And if I'm broken, I can't be broken anymore. But if I dare to believe, if I start to become accepted, if I start to feel whole, then I can be broken again. And this is absolutely terrifying. Because now, like, I have to put down the armor. I have to be vulnerable. I have to open myself to breaking all over again. And there's another layer of this that's actually incredibly sad, is that if you're going through life, if I'm broken, rejection number one makes sense. It's just. R2 is just in some way. R3, oh, why do I do B, is just, right? It makes sense because

I'm broken. Of course these people would reject me. But if I'm not broken, then how do I understand this? Why did these people reject me? It actually hurts way more, right? To get very little in life and deserve very little in life hurts less than to deserve. a lot and get a little. So sometimes the most terrifying thing for people who feel broken is to actually be accepted, recognize your whole,

and then reinterpret your entire history, and then realize like how devastatingly you were treated. You may think it's liberating, but it's actually so painful. Because if I deserve, if I'm broken and I'm unlovable and mom or dad didn't love me, like I can handle that. But if I deserved love,

and they should have loved me, but they didn't anyway, that actually hurts so much more. Because it's not the way that it was supposed to be, but it happened to you anyway. Because when we start to believe that we deserve it, we take control over it, right? We're not hapless victims if we're broken.

And then there's another layer on top of that, if you guys want to even go deeper. If I didn't deserve to be rejected, then holy crap, I could have gone through life without being so rejected. Holy crap. If I wasn't rejected, if this turned into an acceptance,

and this turned into an acceptance, and this turned into an acceptance, I would be a completely different person. And then what you have to do is grieve the gap between this person and this person. Oh my God, if I was treated the way that I should have been, my life would be so different. And the gap and grieving, this gap can be absolutely devastating. The realization that I was supposed to actually be happy in life and I wasn't

is actually harder to deal with than I don't deserve happiness and I am unhappy. So I really applaud this person for kind of like making these discoveries about, you know, confidence and realizing that what you really fear is acceptance as opposed to rejection. The tricky thing is that this is really common. And even though we all strive for acceptance, we want to be accepted at the end of the day that I think is our most natural and healthy state. We have to recognize that if we've grown up being rejected, that acceptance is actually really, really terrifying. And unless we're aware of it, what we'll end up actually doing is sabotaging ourselves. solves. Because anytime we move towards acceptance, and sometimes you guys may have even seen this, like you may have dated someone who has a history of trauma. And the second that things start to like move in a healthy, like welcoming direction, they will sabotage it. Right. Like if,

they kind of drive you crazy with their sabotage because you're like, no, I love you. I want to stay in this relationship. I care about you. And they're like, no, you don't. You deserve better. And then what happens is like anytime some neutral thing happens, like you phone runs out of And you don't respond to text messages. They're like, ha, I knew it. You don't want to be with me, right? And then it all starts again. And then you're getting frustrated because you're like, no, like, I'm trying to explain

to you like, I want to be with you. But my phone died. It's not, it has nothing to do with me rejecting you as a human being. It's just, it's just life. Like there are ups and downs and relationships, but they don't see it that way. And this is kind of what's going on in them, potentially. So it can be really challenging. We sort of all want acceptance.

And yet we can be very terrified of it. And so if you're in that kind of situation, you need to think a lot about, first of all, what do I believe about myself? Where did I learn to believe that about myself? As people start accepting me and being nice to me, let's pay attention to how I'm responding. And do so non-judgmentally, because if you say I shouldn't be responding this way,

that's going to make things harder. Just notice what your reaction is. And then what you'll notice is that out of that reaction are going to come particular behaviors. Like, now that this person is starting to really accept me, let me trauma dump on them to push them away. Let me do something that tests the boundaries, of the relationship.

Because I'm not quite sure. I think this person is BSing me. So let me sabotage a little bit. And if they really care about me, then they'll stay, despite the fact that I show them how broken I am. And then you start testing them in relationship and you start playing games.

And suddenly, they're being scored, they're competing in the Olympics, but they don't realize it. And there you are, like a panel of judges with all these different scorecards. And they're playing a game and being measured in a way that, like, they never consented to.

And you don't even, neither of y'all are truly even consciously aware that you're doing it. And then you'll end up sabotaging. And as you sabotage, you invoke the rejection. As you invoke the rejection, everything you believed about the world becomes true again. Ha, I knew it. People who accept me cannot be trusted. They will only reject me eventually.

It is just as I understood. I am broken and unlovable. But that is a game I know how to play. That is a game that I've leveled up my entire life. That is a game in which, even though it hurts, I know I can survive. I may be shattered, but I'm already shattered. You can only shatter me so much. What I can't stand is being put back together and shattered again, believing that I could be

whole, believing that I could be loved. And so everyone's like, I'm afraid of getting rejected. I'm afraid of getting rejected, which makes sense, right? It's a valid fear. But what we sometimes miss sight of is that it's not actually a fear of rejection. It's actually a fear of acceptance. Yeah, lost in space nine is saying that hits hard. You're damn right.

It does. See, here's the thing that we need to understand. We think of good emotions and bad emotions. right? We like say like joy and curiosity. These are good emotions and anger and fear and resentment. These are bad emotions. But there aren't good emotions or bad emotions. There's certainly emotions that bring pleasure and emotions that bring pain. But all emotions have their purpose. And even some of these negative emotions like low self-esteem or shame or other kinds of things can oddly enough be protective. Otherwise, we wouldn't have evolved to have them. It's a conserved experience across all human beings to have all of

these emotions. And so if you're stuck trying to figure out like what's wrong with my relationships, I have a fear of rejection, fear of rejection, tunnel down a little bit further. Do you truly fear rejection or do you fear acceptance? And you may say like, but of course I feel rejection. Like, I want to be accepted. So this is the wild thing. You can want something and be afraid of it. The two are not mutually exclusive. In fact, they often go hand in hand. It's like, I want to be a parent, but I'm terrified of being a parent. Makes perfect sense. I want to be married, but I'm terrified of being married. Another one that I've seen a lot. I want to be CEO, but I am terrified of all of the responsibility. I want to run the company. I want to lead the

company. But oh my God, what if I screw it up? Because if I make a mistake, there's no one looking out for me. So what we want and what we're afraid of oftentimes go hand in hand. Now everyone is saying what do. First thing is to notice, right? See, because here's the thing. You can't fix something unless you understand what it is. Can't fix it unless you know. So the reason that people don't, can't fix this thing is because they think it is a fear of rejection when it's actually a fear of acceptance. They're like, oh, I'm afraid of rejection because anytime I'm about to be accepted, I subconsciously cause the other person to reject me. And then that hurts, but it's a hurt that I can handle, which is why I induce it in the first place. And then like, oh my God,

I keep on screwing up sabotaging my relationships. So first, understand, ask yourself, am I afraid of actually being accepted? And if you're wondering, how do I ask myself if I'm afraid of being accepted? Just as things happen in relationships, pay attention. to your internal environment. How am I reacting to this? Like, why am I feeling this way? Like, what's going on here? And then ask yourself, like, you know, how would I feel if this person loved me unconditionally? I'd feel amazing. Sure. But what about the steps along the way? Before you get to unconditional love, you climb a thousand little steps of small amounts of acceptance or love. And how do you react to those? Because what probably happens is you want to

get to unconditional love where there are guarantees, right? That's what unconditional love is. I want guarantees that this person will never reject me. But as you build up to that, they can still reject you before that, right? They can reject you one step below, two steps below, three steps below. You're still open to rejection. And then what you begin to realize is the closer you get to unconditional love, if you get rejected right before you hit the finish line, then that's going to hurt a hell of a lot.

And if you believe you're fundamentally going to be rejected before you get to the top, before you get to the finish line, then each step forward becomes something to avoid, right? It's why like silver medalists are the least happy. Gold medalist, very happy. Bronze medalist? Got it. Got one. But to fall just short of the gold can be the hardest thing. And so what we end up doing, I'd rather not race.

It's gold or nothing. If you found this video helpful, check out Dr. Kay's Guide. We've spent hundreds of hours writing and filming to help people understand their mind so that they can build the lives that they want. So check out the link in the description below.