HealthyGamerGG - The Rise of Lonely, Single Men

Episode Date: August 18, 2022

Dr. K dives into an article about the rise of lonely, single men. He discusses gender, misogyny, toxic masculinity, and more! Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In an effort to try to support these lonely men, what we're actually doing is adopting views that are very justifiably criticized, but in justifiably criticizing those particular views, we're actually invalidating the core of the problem. So this article about the rise of lonely single men was written by a sci-D and talks about how dating opportunities for heterosexual men are diminishing as relationship standards rise. men represent approximately 62% of dating app users lowering their chances for matches. Men need to address skill deficits to meet healthier relationship expectations. So I've been linked to this article by multiple people, which is part of why we're addressing it.

And today what I'd love to do is talk a little bit about, you know, is there a rise of lonely single men? If there is a rise, why that's happening and what we understand about, you know, where this is coming from. I'd also like to talk a little bit about what makes it hard for people to be empathic to single lonely men. And I think men have a hand in that. So we're going to talk a little bit about why this is such a hot topic. So even already, I want y'all to pay attention to yourself. And as I say, I'm going to talk about this, notice the emotional reaction that you're having. Right.

So maybe you're sort of thinking like, oh, this is fantastic that Dr. Dr. K is talking about this, this really needs to be addressed. Or maybe you're thinking, oh, my God, not another discussion about, you know, toxic, lonely single men. And we're going to be sort of exploring that sort of reaction and why that happens. And both are completely valid perspectives. We're also going to touch a little bit. We've done this foray a couple of times, sometimes very unsuccessfully. We're going to talk a little bit about gender dynamics, just sort of in a general sense. And this is something that I think has been a hot button issue for the internet. And it's been a hot button issue for us. But what we're sort of noticing in our community is that it's an ongoing

concern for so many people. And I have faith that if we kind of keep trying, we'll eventually sort of figure out how to sort of deal with this kind of stuff in a healthier way. The other thing that we're going to address today is sort of how to critically read articles. So we're going to not only be looking at this article and sort of like tunneling down a little bit about the editorial process and things like that, because sometimes, I don't know if you all are kind of aware of this, but like, you know, psychology today and other publications are trying to get views, right? So they'll sort of pick titles and things like that that are kind of quite inflammatory and will create emotional reactions. But we're going to tunnel down and look a little bit more

critically at the sources that are cited, what the actual sources say. And I encourage all. all of you to really be critical when you're reading articles. So instead of sort of rejecting this article because it doesn't agree with your worldview or, you know, gobbling it up without any sort of critical thought because it mirrors your own experience, what I think we really need to do, especially as articles are getting more and more clickbaity, is to sort of think a little bit critically about the points that they're making and what's supported by data and what isn't. I want to check in with y'all for a second about, first of all, how do you all feel about this. Is this okay for us to talk about? Are these like acceptable goals? Is there an acceptable

sort of nuanced or critical way to look at this? Okay, awesome. So there's going to be a couple dimensions. We're not just going to be talking about this. We're also going to be talking about gender dynamics and critically looking at articles. Okay? So it's going to be like it's not just, oh, like it's so simple. This is what's going on. Men are screwed, period. End of the end of it. No, it's so much more nuanced than that, okay? So let's start with a couple of acknowledgments, just about gender in general, okay? So something that's going on right now on the internet

is that people will talk about a specific gender-related issue. So, for example, this article cites multiple things that are specific to men. So this article will say things like, oh, it's more challenging for men on dating apps because 62% of dating app users are men. they also cite other sources, for example, that say that 46% of men will swipe right or will like or move forward with a particular dating profile, whereas 14% of women will swipe right or like or whatever, whatever the equivalent is. Right. So we can look at those statistics and what a lot of people will conclude is, oh, see things on dating apps are harder for men than they are for women.

Now, this is a perspective that I think we've got to be really, really careful about. Because remember that any time there's a particular article, there may be particular dimensions that are more difficult for men, but it doesn't necessarily mean that online dating is easier for men as a whole than it is for women. So, for example, there may be some things which are in quote-unquote women's favor or against men, but then there are other things that are like in favor of men as opposed to women. So, for example, intimate intrusions online studying the normalization of abuse and dating apps, or online inclusivity or sexual harassment, conceptualizing women's experiences in the digital age. These are both primary literature studies, right? So these are not like editorial articles. These are peer-reviewed published research.

My point is that if we're going to wade into gender dynamics, we need to understand that just because a particular thing is easier or harder for a particular gender, in a particular place does not mean that that gender has it harder globally or has it easier globally. Do you all get that? This is a huge thing that you know, you kind of learn in medicine. And just to give you all a very simple example, so just because breast cancer is more common than testicular cancer doesn't mean that it isn't hard for people to get testicular cancer, that it sucks if people gets to testicular cancer or, you know, any of those other things.

When you are a practicing physician, what you start to learn is that, there's sort of the global population stuff, which may be true. So, for example, breast cancer may be more common than testicular cancer. But at the end of the day, that doesn't change the experience of the person with testicular cancer. And just because some of the statistics cited in this paper, which will also interpret, right, so that's really important, may suggest that things are harder for men. And I think that that's probably to a certain degree true in this particular dimension. it in no way translates into invalidating like the difficulty that women have on dating apps. And this is sort of what we're learning as a society as a whole, which is that men and women and non-binary people are trans people,

by virtue of our genders, we tend to experience life in a different way, right? And that just because a particular gender has difficulty in a particular realm does not mean that that gender has it easy in all kinds of realms or that it's more beneficial on. a whole to be that gender. Now, some people may make those arguments and there may be statistics to kind of back that up. But in my overwhelming experience as a clinician, like, the key thing to remember is, first of all, different genders have different experiences of things in life. And that each gender, no matter whether you're a man, a woman, trans, non-binary, whatever, is going to face unique challenges. And our goal here is to understand the world, understand ourselves and help people. And in part of that process, what we have to do is acknowledge the

individual challenges that a particular demographic may face, that in no way invalidates the experience or should be compared to the experience of other people. I just don't think that's useful, right? So if someone ends up with testicular cancer, you don't want to say, well, screw you because way more people have breast cancer. Now, on the flip side, there may be unequal treatment, which is sort of appropriate there, which is like, okay, so for example, example, if breast cancer is way more common than testicular cancer, do we want to mandate mass, I mean, not mastectomies, mammograms for mastectomies would be terrible, mandating mammograms for women over the age of 50, whereas we don't necessarily need to take an, you know, an x-ray

of people's scrotums once they're over 50 years old. So by virtue of the difference in size of a problem, we may need to sort of individually create tailored solutions, which sort of makes sense medically. Right? So we sort of treat genders somewhat differently, and that's based on data. But at the end of the day, what I would really hope happens from this talk is anything that we're going to say about acknowledging men's difficulties does not necessarily relate to anything that is happening with women's difficulties.

And that actually, by comparing those two things, I think we're actually doing a disservice to everyone. Because just because there are more men on dating apps, the challenges that women face on dating apps is different, right? So there's a lot more research that shows that women are more likely to experience sexual harassment, sexual assault than men by virtue of online dating and things like that. So each gender is going to have its own individual problems. And what we're trying to really do is understand what are the problems that affect this particular gender in this particular moment, and what can we do about it? And then we can also do that for other genders and other situations

and other demographics. Does that make sense? Are we okay with me continuing to talk about this? Or is it not acceptable to talk about challenges that men face in the dating realm unless we are at the same time talking about the challenges that women face or making it comparative in nature? Because here's the thing. Gender dynamics is not a competition, right? Like things are hard for men and things are hard for women. Some of the things that are hard for men and women are actually the same, but some of them, shockingly, are different. And so if we really want to try to help people, we have to acknowledge what those differences are and address them individually. Does that make sense? It's not a competition. All right. Do you need our, you're damn right, I need your

permission. So people are asking, do you need our permission? Yeah, I want, it's not so much about permission as it is approval. Right. So this is where, like, if y'all are not comfortable with continuing this conversation, if this is not a conversation that we should move forward in, then we can stop. Got it? Okay. And by the way, if people think that I'm overstepping or misplaying or anything like that, please let us know because all of that feedback is actually being instrumental in getting

us to this point and helping us gain this nuanced understanding. Okay? Let's go. So let's take a quick look at the article. So, younger and middle-aged men are the loneliest they've ever. ever been in generations, and it's probably going to get worse. This is not my typical rosy view of relationships, but a reality nonetheless. Over the last 30 years, men have become a larger portion of that growing group of long-term

single people. And while you don't actually need to be in a relationship to be happy, men are typically are happier and healthier when partnered. Here are the three broad trends in the relationship landscape that suggests heterosexual men are in for a rough road ahead, dating apps. Whether you're just starting to date or you're recently divorced in dating again, dating apps are a huge driver for new romantic connections in the U.S. The only problem is that upwards of 62% of users are men, and many women are overwhelmed with how many options. And many women are overwhelmed with how many options they have.

Competition in online dating is fierce, and lucky in-person chance encounters with dreamy partners are rarer than ever. So let's stop for a second and try to look at this a little bit critically. So the first thing to understand is that this piece, so let's, let me ask you all a question, is this piece fact or is it opinion? What do you all think? Right? So this, these statements, right? So it's interesting.

So there's a lot of confusion. So some people are saying fact and some people are saying opinion. So I think this is a prime example of like what to be careful of when you read an article on something like psychology today. I have no doubt that Greg Matos, Cy D, is a very knowledgeable, it looks like he specializes in relationship therapy. So I have no doubt that he's very confident. But a lot of this stuff is opinion. So for example, this is why it's important to read things critically. So 62% of users are men. So what is the source of this? It's an article from Time magazine. So according to a new study, which then goes to over here, so the

source is actually just another news article. I couldn't even get access to the primary study. The other interesting thing is that this source is from 2015. So here we are in 2022 citing a statistic that says that 62% of users are men that this statistic is seven years old. So do you all think that's still valid? Right? And like I can't even find the actual article. Like, I can't find the actual source this comes from. This is a Time Magazine article. This is not peer-reviewed research. Now, I'm not saying that the person's premise isn't correct, and he does cite better research elsewhere.

My point is that we just need to be critical of what we read, okay? So, and this is where competition and online dating is fierce, and lucky in person, chance encounters are rarer than ever. many women are overwhelmed with how many options they have. So this is the kind of statement that I don't know if this is true. So they cite this statistic, but where are they getting this idea? Right. So this is where we've got to be a little bit careful because oftentimes what happens is when you have an article like this, people will make statements like this that are very triggering. So if you're a woman reading this and you're like, I'm not overwhelmed with how many options I have.

that's not my problem at all. This person has no idea what they're talking about. And if you're a dude, you're like, yeah, damn right. Like, I can't get a single match. And all these women on dating apps have, like, thousands and thousands and thousands of matches. And they must be overwhelmed. Oh, are you? What's wrong?

Like, you're so overwhelmed with the thousands of matches that you're getting. So these kinds of statements create emotional reactions. And what we're seeing on the Internet is that these are the kinds of, like, statements that people deeply resonate with. or find quite inflammatory, right? I don't think that this person is like in the wrong for saying things like this because we'll get to where they get this in a second, okay? So, but we just need to be critical about it, right? So this is this person's opinion. The person is absolutely allowed to have an opinion and if that's this person's experience, that's actually totally fair. We just need to be critical with how we're reading it. With so many options, it's not surprising that women are

increasingly selective. I do a live TikTok show, a better love project, and speak with hundreds of audience members every week. I hear recurring dating themes from women between the ages of 25 and 45. They prefer men who are emotionally available, good communicators, and share similar values. So let's think about this for a second. So I'm getting the sense that this person's perspective on women is coming from a live TikTok show where they discuss things with audience members. Right. So this, once again, it's useful perspective to have, right? It's in fact the same perspective that we often use, which is that we like to talk to people directly in our community and try to, you know, sort of get individual perspectives, anecdotal evidence. The difference is that we also,

I mean, maybe this person does too, so who knows, but that's also why we have a robust research arm at Healthy Gamer, right? So we have five or six IRB-approved studies that we're running because we actually don't know when we interview someone on stream or do a call and show or respond to a post. is this actually representative of the community? That's why you do research. But this is this person's perspective? Totally fine. So they're sort of pointing out that what we sort of find is that there are men who, you know,

women want men who are emotionally available, good communicators and share similar values. And then the article goes on to say, for men, this means a relationship skills gap. If not addressed, will likely lead to fewer dating opportunities. Less patience for poor communication skills, longer periods of being single, et cetera, et cetera. The problem for men is that emotional connection is the lifeblood of long, healthy-term relationship. They also talk a little bit about, you know, they're a little bit hopeful, right? So while there's no chance of stemming the rising tide of unintentional single men, there is good news. Algorithms are becoming increasingly more complex on dating apps and other online platforms.

Hinge apparently has a beta trial that 90% of their users liked their first date. how can men reap the benefit of the algorithms level up your mental health game? That means getting into some individual therapy to address your skills gap. It means valuing your internal world and respecting your ideas. It means seeing intimacy, romance, emotional connection is worthy of your time and effort. Ultimately, we have an opportunity to revolutionize romantic relationships and establish healthy norms, starting with a first date. It's likely that some of these experiences will be transformed. mid of healing, disrupting generational trauma and establishing a fresh culture of admiration

validation, sounds fantastic. Men have a key role in this transformation, but only if they go all in. It's going to take that kind of commitment to themselves, to their own mental health, into the kind of love that they want to generate in this world. Will we step up? Now, this also, I think I take a slight issue with this last statement, because this implies that the challenges of the rise of single lonely men are predominantly something that they need to fix. The question is, will we as men step up? It doesn't actually address what's kind of interesting, which we'll get to, which is what these papers actually say about why men are lonely. So these papers, as we're going to tunnel down into, these papers don't actually say that

emotional unavailability is responsible for the lack of men in their ability to date. Okay? This person's own citations actually say different things. So let's take a quick look at what the papers. So these are the papers that this person cited. Okay? Let's look at what's going on. So loneliness around the world, age, gender, and cultural differences in loneliness. The BBC Loneliness Experiment provided a unique opportunity to examine the differences in the experiences of loneliness across cultures, age, and gender, and interaction between these factors. Blah, blah, blah, yada, yada. Finding show that loneliness increased with individualism, decreased with age, and was greater in

men than women. We also found that age, gender, and culture interacted to predict loneliness, although those interactions do not qualify the main effects and simply accentuated them. We found the most vulnerable to loneliness were younger men living in individualistic cultures. Now, this is really important because what this paper essentially finds is that young men living in individualistic cultures, so that's primarily Western cultures, like the U.S., Canada, Europe, right, that sort of emphasize an individual mentality over, you know, the collective. So, for example, maybe parts of East Asia, South Asia, Southeast Asia, maybe parts of Africa, for example, these communities are more like, these cultures are more community driven. And so it turns out that when this person says, oh, yeah, like younger and middle-aged men are the loneliest they've ever been, generationally, this is correct.

But we got to tunnel down a little bit further. So as we go down and we look at it, let's see what the authors of the paper actually say. The finding that loneliness was higher and individualistic compared to collectivist cultures should be interpreted with caution. The vast majority of participants resided in individualistic countries, especially the UK. That does not explain why the effect was stronger for men and younger people. We proposed that there is something about individual that enhances loneliness, particularly if other risk factors are present. So that's kind of interesting. We found that loneliness was higher among men than women, which is contrary to the findings from the ONS 2018 survey.

Oh, interesting. So it seems like in previous research, this has not been found to be the case. So that might mean that men need particular conditions to speak about loneliness, et cetera, et cetera. You all can read this paper if you want to. It's in the public domain. So here's another thing to mention. As already indicated, it must also be kept in mind that we used a large non-representative sample of participants who volunteered to speak about their feelings of loneliness. Finally, it is important to acknowledge that the effects we found were very small, although consistent across all dimensions. We take this to mean that those effects are real in loneliness as a fairly universal experience across demographic categories. Data also provided by a large sample of individuals found different ages and from a large number of different countries, thus providing statistical power. the key thing here is that if we actually look at the effect sizes of gender, and I'm a little bit rusty on statistics, but I think this is a relatively small effect size.

So we're talking about 7% to 10, I guess, 0.07, negative 0.07 to 0.1 is a relatively small effect size. So while this paper says it is true that young men from individual cultures are the most lonely group that we've been able to find, that number, they're not so much more lonely than other people, right? They are lonelier, but not by a whole lot. And that's where we've got to be really careful because when someone pairs this kind of statistic, right? And now we start to see something that's kind of interesting because, like, this person just uses the word loneliness. He doesn't say lonely by a very small margin. And then when we see 62% of users are men, based on research from 2015, we start to construct this idea that lonely men, like there's an epidemic of large, of lonely single men. Now, I do think that this is true, but I don't think that the gender dynamic is as disparate as people think it.

is, and that's what the research would say. The other really, really devastating thing about this that I was really kind of hesitant on is this person talks about fixing a skill deficit, which we're going to talk to you all today a little bit about how to do that. Because even though I disagree with some of the statistics, I think the point that the person says is very good, which is that generally speaking, women, you know, may be looking for emotionally available good communicators, and that probably correlates with health and happiness in relationships. So we're going to teach you all a little bit later about how to be emotionally available. What does that actually mean? Because everyone's like, oh, like, I'm looking for someone who's emotionally available. And if you're

like, if you're listening to that, it's like, okay, how do I do that? We're going to teach you all. This is what's kind of interesting. So this person also cites this article, which is from the Pew Research Center. Okay. So Pew Research Center is a pretty legitimate research organization, but once again, not necessarily peer-reviewed scientific publication. But the interesting thing is, is that as you tunnel down into what the Pew Research Center shows, it doesn't talk about, you know, men being single because of emotional unavailability. What it actually talks about is kind of interesting.

So let me try to find this. The growing gap in economic success between partnered and unpartnered adults may have consequences for single men who would eventually like to find a partner. In a 2017 Pew Research Center survey, 71% of adults said being able to support a family financially is very important for a man to be a good spouse or partner. Similar shares of men and women said this, right?

So 71% of both men and women, or 71% of men and women believe, or 71% of adults in an equal share of men and women believe that it's important for a man to be able to financially support a family. In contrast, 32% of adults and just 25% of men, said this is a very important for a woman to be a good spouse or partner. So if you really look at what men and women value in terms of being partnered, this is a staggering difference between the genders, right? A 32 versus 71% difference in terms of how important is being able to financially support a family in terms of like for a man versus a woman. So what we start to see is like a lot of interesting things, right?

So if you look at unpartnered versus partnered adults, right? So unpartnered adults are 29% of them have completed a bachelor's degree, whereas 41% of partnered adults have a bachelor's degree. We start to see a difference between our employed, 75 versus 82%, right? 35,000 median income versus 49,000 median income. That's pretty wild. We're talking about a 40% increase in income. results in being partnered. There's also interesting things like living at home, right? So

the percentage of partnered people who live at home, so if you're in a relationship, 2% of people live at home, whereas if you're not in relationship, 28% of people are living at home. So as this table kind of goes down, what we start to see is that men who are unpartnered, 73% of them are employed. Whereas, 91% of them who have partnered men are employed. Whereas if you look at the gap for women, 74 versus 77%, this implies that employment is a far greater aspect for men in relationships than women. Right. Now, I'm not saying that this is universally true. We're just looking at statistics critically. Because the really interesting thing here is that this paper that this person cites over here to support his argument that

men are lonely doesn't actually have anything to do with emotional availability. Right? This, you know, like a percentage of people that are financially vulnerable, men, the partnered men, 13%, whereas unpartnered men, 36%. Whereas women tends to be like pretty even. Okay? So the point here is that as we're looking at this, we have to be kind of critical. because what the data actually suggests is that if you look at men versus women and people who are partnered and unpartnered, according to this one Pew Research Survey, right?

What it seems to imply is that economic stability in terms of a man for a man leads to a far greater impact on their relationship success than a woman. Now, if you're a woman who's out there in the audience and you're saying if you take issue with that, like that's totally fine. you're allowed to take issue with it. You're allowed to be critical of it. I'm not saying that this is truth. This is just one Pew Research Survey, which sort of demonstrates this. The reason that we're bringing it up is because if you're reading an article like this and it says be more emotionally available, we've got to be kind of careful about where that direction is coming from. So I do think it's very important for men to become more emotionally available. I think that's like really, really important. We're going to talk about that in a second. But let's just be a little bit clear.

about, you know, is there a rise of lonely single men? Sure. But it's not like, you know, it's not as catastrophic, I mean, it's not as imbalanced according to the sources we looked at today, that we're looking at a relatively small effect size for men as compared to women. We also are living in a society where I think part of the reason that men really struggled to find relationships is because as we've started to see an improvement in equality in the workplace, we have not seen a similar cultural shift, right? So, for example, there's still like a lot of, you know, lack of equality in the workplace, like 17 to 21 percent of people who graduate with engineering degrees are women, right? So it's still like an 80 percent dominated field. But we're seeing

some progress in some areas. So now, for example, 52 to 55 percent of medical students are women as opposed to men, right? So we're seeing evening out in some fields, a lack of evening out in other fields. I've seen tons and tons of stories about misogyny in like video game development and things like that. So I'm not saying that everything is hunky dory for women in the workplace. But what we are seeing is that it appears that both men and women are likely to judge a man more harshly for a lack of employment than a woman. Right. So that's what the research sort of suggests. Now, let's take a moment to like understand why this narrative that single lonely men gets attacked.

So I think sometimes what happens is when people are lonely, they start to become a little bit toxic, right? So there's a community of men who's sort of like super into the toxic masculinity is quite misogynistic. And so what we tend to see is that you're lonely, you sort of, there's all of these like men out there that are sort of engaged in this kind of like toxic masculinity approach or let's forget about toxic masculine, let's just call it misogyny. And then what tends to happen, what I've observed is that as people respond to the misogyny,

right, both men and women who are like, hey, stop being an asshole. What it actually does is as you attack the misogyny, what you're sort of doing is that you're kind of disregarding the loneliness at the root, which sort of makes sense, right? So if I'm lonely and I start to become an asshole and people like don't like that I'm being an asshole and criticize me for being an asshole, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. That sort of makes sense. And what it actually does is bypasses the fact that I'm lonely to begin with. So it's almost like what's happening is we're getting an invalidation of lonely men

because as lonely men gravitate towards polarizing figures that are misogynistic, and remember, this is the internet. So the more inflammatory your perspective, the more likely it's to be upvoted. So there's like this rise of misogyny. there's a devaluation of the misogyny, and in the devaluation of the misogyny, what you're having with it is a devaluation of the underlying loneliness.

Right? Does that make sense? Because it's hard to say when someone is being, like, cruel and sexist, that, oh, yeah, like, you're suffering too. Like, your underlying points are valid. Because all we do is respond to that toxicity at the top. And so this is something that's, I think, really, really devastating because what's happening is that, in an effort to try to support these loins,

only men, what we're actually doing is adopting views that are very justifiably criticized, but in justifiably criticizing those particular views, we're actually invalidating the core of the problem. And this is what's so hard about it is if I'm a lonely single man and there's a crowd of people who are invalidating a select group of misogynistic people who are like, you know, promoting connection in their own way, right? getting late or whatever. Right?

Like, what we're sort of doing is we're losing side of the fact that the people that resonate with those communities are lonely to begin with, and that that's a real problem. Do you all get that? Like, it's nuanced. Like, the complaints, I think, are valid. It's the adaptation to the complaint, which is also justifiably criticized. But the root of the loneliness is absolutely there. And I do think that this is a real problem, right?

So this is not like a just because research suggests that, you know, the, discrepancy between men and women is not that big, that's irrelevant. Like, it's not a competition, right? If they're lonely men and lonely women, we should address both of those things. And saying that, oh, it's not like men are much more lonely than women doesn't actually help because there's still a gigantic pile of lonely men. You can't invalidate just because I've got testicular cancer and someone else has breast cancer. It doesn't mean, oh, you've got testicular cancer. This person has breast cancer. So screw everybody. No, both of these people need help.

Right? Like, loneliness is a problem for each gender, and the reasons for the loneliness can be specific and gender specific. And there are, for example, like differential experiences with dating apps. And even though the Time article said in 2015, you know, it's dated, but they cited that 14% of women swipe right versus 46% of men swipe right. Right? And if that's true, that's a staggering difference in terms of dating behavior.

and will probably be affecting men and women differently. Now, why do women swipe right on 14% of time? Who knows? Maybe does it have to do with employment? Does it have to do with median income? Does it have to do with emotional availability? Like, who knows? And just because women are more selective on dating apps than men

doesn't mean that women have it easy on dating apps. You'll get that? Like, you can have an advantage as a gender, but that doesn't mean that, like, on the blanket that everything is easy for you. Because most of the time when I hear about complaints around dick pics, inappropriate sexual behavior, things like that, right? It's like the women who are complaining. So it's not like they have it easy. And this is what we've got to be really careful about is if we want to try to help people, we can't invalidate someone's perspective just because we're

suffering. It's not a competition. And it's not like the amount of help to go around is limited. What limits it is our own perspective. What limits the amount of help is like the compassion that we give or don't give when someone else says I'm struggling. Now, let's talk for a second about, so just to kind of summarize, you know, I think this is a good article. I think it's opinion, and it's important to remember that this is opinion. If you find it inflammatory or if you find it validating, both are reasonable perspectives. As we tunnel down into the research, I think the story that they sort of end up telling is very different from what the research actually suggests.

That's important to remember. Is there a rise of single lonely men? Yes. Is the most vulnerable population for loneliness in today's world? Young men from individual cultures, that is also a factual statement. Turns out that the size is not that big. The discrepancy is actually not that big. But the reasons for the partnered versus unpartnered, right?

The reasons to be in a relationship do seem to be heavily influenced. by gender. So I think we live in a world where despite an improvement in equality between men and women, there is a lag of social acceptance for employment and financial related issues for men. Now, this is where, like, a lot of the pro-men kind of people will talk about, oh, like, all you you got to do is make money and grind and all this kind of stuff, and that's all women care about. I think that's a simplistic view, right? I don't think that that's the case. And anyone who kind of says, oh, if you want to attract a man, all you need to do is this. If you want attract a woman, all you need to do is this, has no idea that, like, I don't know if you'll

get this, but men and women are human beings that have individual preferences. And some women don't care about how much their partner makes, and some women do. Some men do care about how much their partner makes, and some men don't. I know it's shocking. But the behaviors of a gender cannot be reduced to a gender, and there's individual variation. Like, I know this is kind of weird as well, but there are actually some men who don't even want to sleep with women. Can you all believe that? And there are some women who are actually not interested in dating a man no matter how much money they have. Right?

Like, there are individual variances amongst people. And so we've got to remember that. Now, let's move on to one last thing from the article. I know, it's bizarre. It's bizarre. You know, wait till some of those, you know, some of the pickup artist. crew figures that out. They're going to be shocked.

All right. So let's talk about emotional availability for a second. So like if you're in this situation, and I think the article is decent, right? So it's psychology today. So, you know, it's going to be an opinion piece that's written by someone who's got a bunch of experience, cites a couple of statistics, and then sort of concludes that men need to rise up and step up to the challenge of emotional availability. I don't quite agree with that because I think a lot of this is societal, right?

So I think that as you look, if 71% of people think that men need to have, you know, be able to financially support a job versus 32% of women, I mean, financially support a family versus 32% of women believe that, you know, women should financially support a family. And the economy is getting worse. We're getting, you know, wage stagnation. We're sort of seeing more inflation. More people that are living at home and things like that. Those economic forces, I think, are adversely affecting men more so than we're. women in terms of a dating world. That, too, if you disagree with, you're more than welcome to disagree with it.

I haven't done a thorough literature search on it. I'm just using the sources that were cited in the article to come to that conclusion. And hopefully, I think that's a pretty fair conclusion, right? So according to Pew Research, we see different things in men and women in terms of income and stuff. So as, like, financially, the world gets harder. It's affecting men disproportionately to women. So in terms of dating.

Now, once again, that doesn't mean that things are easy for women in this current world because there are going to be other things that are going on today. For example, the ease of which you can get doxed and get stocked and things like that that I think are disproportionately affecting women. So society is changing and each gender is getting screwed in different ways. And trying to like compete about it is like not worth our time. So what does it mean to be emotionally available? So this is where we've been trying to figure out. what is the mechanism through which coaching works. So what we tend to see is that when people come into coaching,

they form better relationships. They actually do better professionally. You know, they start to form healthier boundaries and things like that. So like they form better relationships with family members. They even will start to date, form better relationships with things like roommates and romantic partners and stuff like that. Your mileage may vary. But we've seen this general trend. So we were trying to figure out, okay, how does this happen?

And what we sort of settled on was this concept of emotional quotient or EQ. So when we talk about emotional availability, I think a really good way to think about this is having a low EQ versus a high EQ. And the components of EQ are things like awareness of what you are feeling. Another thing is the ability to self-regulate what you are feeling. A third thing is being able to communicate what you are feeling. A fourth thing is to be able to set aside what you are feeling. and the ability to be empathic to someone else. And the fifth thing is an understanding of how your emotions influence your behaviors.

Okay. So I'm going to share a story with y'all. So a couple years ago, I had a client who was sort of in this situation where they had this surprise set up for Valentine's Day for their significant other. They were going to take them to a particular, like, cool place in town. they'd made reservations and stuff like that. Right? So, and it turns out that a couple weeks before, because it was like the hot, you know,

happened in a new place. So a couple weeks before, it turns out that their significant other is out with their friends and they spontaneously decide to go to that same location. So in the client's mind, like they had sort of set everything up to have this like magical Valentine's Day experience. And their partner goes and like, goes there and checks it out, kind of on their own with other friends. They're also like, so there's a client is male. They're significant others, female. And so they're also like men in

the group and things like that. So this is the kind of situation where this person has invested a lot of time and energy to create a wonderful surprise for their partner. And their partner goes and ruins it. Okay. Ruins it by going on their own. And now this person really struggles. because like did their partner actually do anything wrong? No, not at all. Like they were out with their friends. They decided to go hit up that place. And it's like, the other thing is like, it's a surprise.

Right? Like, so it's not like the partner knew. Like if they had told them, hey, by the way, I made reservations, I think it's going to be like awesome. I want to like celebrate this like new opening with you on Valentine's. It's not like they communicated it. They're trying to make it a surprise. And so this person felt really resentful, right?

Like, oh my God. Like you took this like, or this. beautiful night is now ruined. But you can't really criticize the partner for it. Because the partner really didn't know, right? So she wasn't really doing anything wrong. And it's still ruined. So what are you do in that situation? So you can't criticize them because you know they didn't do anything wrong. So but that feeling of resentment and stuff like that starts to come out in a lot passive aggressive behavior. Did you have fun? Yeah, it was great. Are you upset about something? No, I'm not upset.

Forget it. We don't need to hang out this weekend. I got a study. I've got a final coming up. Why don't you make other plans for Valentine's Day? And then like the SO is like, wait, what's going? I'm confused. Did I do something wrong?

No, you didn't do anything wrong, right? So what does this mean? Let's look at it. Awareness of the emotion. Does this person have awareness of emotion? No. Sort of. they understand that they feel resentful, kind of.

Can they communicate it? Like, they don't really even know what to communicate because it feels so stupid to them. So they're not able to regulate that emotion because it's like you ruined it even though I can't fault you for it, but you still ruined it. Right? And so, like, because you know the criticism isn't fair.

And so you're unable to self-regulate, you're not really aware of what you're feeling. You certainly can't communicate. It, right? Because you don't know what you're feeling, and it feels so petty. It feels so to am petty. And then what happens is you're not aware of how your emotions shape your behavior. So you know you're angry with them, but you can't be kind of mature about it, right? So like you start playing this passive aggressive kind of game. And then your partner is really confused about it. You can't really communicate with them. So this is an example of what being emotionally unavailable means.

So another good example of this that sometimes is more complex. common in men than women is problem solving versus listening. So oftentimes these are like general kind of accepted things. I actually haven't seen a bunch of great research, especially recently about this stuff. So I think some of this stuff may be dated. But, you know, there's this impression that men are more problem solving and women are more supportive when dealing with problems. Okay.

So like, I don't care if men are more this way or women are more that way. It doesn't really matter. What matters is that for you to understand that if you're in a relationship, what does it mean to be emotionally available? It's to ask yourself when your partner comes to you with a problem, something that is not going well in their life, for you to stop for a second and think about what is this person looking for? Are they looking for help and solutions? Are they looking to vent? And oftentimes, a big mistake that a lot of people will make is that they'll try to provide solutions when someone really just wants to vent. Right? It's like, you know, oh man, like my place is such a mess.

You know, it's like there's like, I don't even know where to start. And it's like, okay, here, let's get a piece of paper. I set an alarm for Sunday at 9 a.m. And let's make a list of things for you to clean. Clean this first. Take out the trash. Sort through your mail. Do this, do this, do this, do this. And it's like the person knows how to do that.

They're just, you know, it's like, wow, yeah, that sucks. You ever get to the point where in cleaning where you're like, I don't need to clean yet, I don't need to clean yet, I don't need to clean yet, and then suddenly, there's too much to clean. Right? Those responses are very different. You all get that? So I do think emotional availability is important.

Is it arguably more important for men? Sure. So there's older research that suggests that men are raised in a particular way, that they learn to manage their emotions differently. are women looking for emotionally available men? I assume so. I think that men are also looking for emotionally available women. And what are we basing that on? We're basing that on what people say when they call in to a TikTok show about dating, right?

But this is the other thing. Sometimes people will say things when they call into shows that are actually different from what they're actually looking for. So when it comes to, for example, like dating research, it seems like what, you know, what leads to more success is a better median income, a college degree, being able to live in support a family and things like that. So at the end of the day, though, you know, I think that becoming more emotional available is like really fantastic for men, women, and everyone involved. Like EQ improvement is good for all human beings. Do men need some more improvement on that? Maybe need some instruction on that more so than women, maybe.

So that's why what we're sort of talking about is, okay, what is emotional availability? It comes down to a couple of things. First is awareness of your emotions. Second thing is the ability to regulate your emotions, the ability to communicate your emotions, the ability to set aside your emotions for the sake of empathy, right, and try to understand the other person's perspective or feel what the other person is feeling. And the last is to be aware of how your emotions influence your behavior. Does that make sense?

So hopefully, this was an acceptable foray into the rise of lonely young men. Do I think it's a problem? Yeah. Do I think that young men from individualistic cultures are the most at-risk group for loneliness? Sure. And it turns out that we've got to be a little bit careful because I don't think they're lonely just because they don't know how to be emotionally available. I think if you look at the research, there's a lot of very real demographics.

and worldly factors that are contributing to this, including what people are looking for in terms of a mate, and also how the world makes it hard to be those things because of very real economic forces. And does emotional availability play into it? Absolutely. But I think we've got to be very, very careful about assuming that the responsibility lies solely with men.

Right? So anytime we're looking at gender, dynamics, we want to be careful about, you know, whatever the gender is and whatever we're talking about, if we're talking about equal representation at the C-suite level, is this a societal problem, or is this something that women need to step up? Right. I don't think it's fair to say that women need to step up. In general, I don't think it's fair to say that a whole demographic needs to step up, because I think generally speaking, people try pretty hard, right? I don't think that like telling a gender or a race to step up, like, is fair. Like, Indian people need to step up. White people need to step up.

Black people need to step up. I don't think that that's fair at all. So do men have some responsibility in it? 100%. Do they have a lot of responsibility in it? 100%. So should you become more emotionally available? Absolutely. Should you boost your EQ? Absolutely. Will it improve your dating life and your professional life? Absolutely. And at the same time, we need to acknowledge that this is not all on the shoulders of the individual, right? As human beings, you can't blame an individual for a systemic issue. And the truth of the matter is when it comes to something as complex as dating, I don't think it's an individual issue or a systemic issue. And it's just as devastating for men or women or

whoever else to say, oh, this is a society thing. There's nothing I can do. Let me throw up my hands. Oh, it's like, I'm screwed by society, screwed by society, and absolve yourself of all responsibility and not try to actually improve yourself. The truth of the matter is, that it's somewhere in between. Right? So this is what we learn from like tons of research in the field of medicine.

Things are multifactorial. Bringing your cholesterol down, is that because your doctor isn't good enough or because you're not exercising? Answer is it's a little bit of both. Right? There's shared responsibility.

And what I'm seeing more and more in gender dynamics and especially with things like dating and stuff like that is that there's no shared responsibility. everyone's always trying to punt the responsibility to everyone else. So men are trying to punt the responsibility to society, and society is trying to punt the responsibility to men.

It's all your fault. You need to grow up. You need to step up. And on the flip side, there are people on the other extreme. It's like, oh, like, there's nothing I can do. And I think that's exactly why the problem persists. Do you all get that? Like, that's in situations where people share responsibility,

and, like, we as a society say, we need to do more to support men, and as men say, hey, we need to do more to grow as individuals, that's when the problem is going to get fixed. But right now, all that's doing is we're passing the buck back and forth. And that's why the problem is getting worse. Chat wants to know how to boost EQ. I wish it were so easy. So let me kind of counter that question.

So how do you boost IQ? Right? So it's like the interesting thing about human stuff, human behavior, human attributes, is the more global the attribute, the whole. harder it is to operationalize how to improvement. Right. So how do you become more compassionate? It's challenging. So that's why we started by breaking things down into the five components of EQ. Right. So are you aware of what you're feeling? Can you regulate what you're feeling? Do you can you communicate what you're feeling? Can you set aside what you're feeling? Are you aware of how your emotions, influence your behaviors. Those are the five big domains of EQ.

So we do believe that coaching will help with something like that. I imagine therapy will help with something like that. Although interestingly enough, the EQ research is predominantly not from the field of psychotherapy or medicine. A lot of the EQ research actually comes from the field of like business and like management and things like that. So that's, it's really interesting. But I think like that's where those are the five steps. what do you have to say about EQ not really being real as far as it not being a scientific term, but one coined by a journalist who wrote a book in the late 90s, early 2000s? I think it's a valid perspective.

So that's where, as you look at how the research has progressed, people took the term EQ and they tried to figure out, okay, is this a real thing that maps onto something that is scientific and measurable? And in that research, which once again, remember, comes out of management and stuff, so that stuff is like a little bit different, right? So what we've actually found is that there are domains of EQ, which are scientifically valid. So awareness of emotions is absolutely a scientifically real thing. The ability to regulate your emotions is absolutely a real scientific thing. The ability to be empathic is absolutely a real scientific thing.

So I think the cool thing about EQ research is that it may have been coined by a journalist in the business types, right? And I already said that most of it actually doesn't come from science. It comes from the business world. And then what's happened over the last 20 years is that scientists, as more and more people have been looking at it, they've been trying to figure out, okay, what part of EQ is actually real and not real. And that's why when we talk about EQ and emotional availability, what we try to do is share with y'all the scientifically valid versions of EQ, which are the subdomains. it's a good does that sort of make sense?

So like, journalists may have stumbled upon it and then people thought, oh, this is kind of interesting and they started doing management trainings and things like that. And it seemed to help. And then researchers got curious

and they're like, wait a minute, but what is this? Is it real? And then they tunnel down into it. And these are the discoveries that they made that I personally think are valid, which is why we share it this way.