HealthyGamerGG - TrainwrecksTV pt. 4

Episode Date: December 12, 2020

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Train and I had to arrange for our... What are you drinking, man? That sounded satisfying. Holy shit. You know, so, you know, I'm Persian. Yeah. And a lot of Iranians, a lot of Persians, they say, Earl Grey tea is the closest thing to Persian tea.

But I actually disagree. I think English breakfast is. So this is English breakfast. Yeah, I don't think Earl Gray reminds me of, you know, Persian tea. I don't know if I've really had Persian tea, but I've had, you know, tea from the Mina region. And I mean, Earl Grey is like, there's not, there is a hint of, I'd agree, I'd say English breakfast, but Earl Grey is like, the Bergamo is like, or Bergamot or however you pronounce it. Yeah. It doesn't seem to be there. Yeah, there's like a,

they taste similar, but there's, there's like a distinct difference in Earl Grey. For some reason, Earl Grey gives me a stomach ache. It's really weird. Yeah. Maybe the citrus oils or whatever. Yeah, it's probably something like that. I just don't like that little aftertaste either. Yeah. English breakfast is the way to go. How have you been?

Good, man. Staying busy, but good. Cool. Good, good, good. A lot of my patients are really struggling right now, so I've been a little bit busier. I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah, COVID's hard on people's mental health.

It is. We didn't quite realize. Yeah, COVID. It's been, yeah, definitely causing me some anxiety. Just like, like, for like visiting my parents. I'm stuck in this, I'm stuck in this like, I'm just like filled with anxiety and stress because I want to go see my parents really bad. I miss them.

You know, I love them. And, you know, they want me to come real badly too. And I understand there was like, you know, instant tests, this and that. but even just even a 0.01% chance of me somehow catching it and giving it to them, I just would never forgive myself. But on the other hand, if I keep pushing it back and this never ends, you know, who knows what happens? You know, life comes at you fast. So I just, I don't know what decision to make. Does that make sense? Yeah, of course, man. And are your parents like, are they in the U.S.? Is it okay. I mean, I don't know to docks you or anything, but just

no, you're good. No, no, they're in Arizona. Okay. So you'd have to fly to see them? Yeah, I would. I mean, I could drive, but that always freaks my mom out and it gives her a lot of, she just hates, you know, she doesn't want me driving long distances. It's a long way, man. Yeah, 14 hours. It is a long time. So I'd have to stop some more, which defeats the entire purpose of driving.

Yeah. Yeah. Sounds really tricky. I think a lot of people are struggling to figure out what the right thing to do is. Yeah. You know, fingers crossed, hopefully a vaccine is around the corner and we'll have, uh, you know, you know, we'll finally get some control over COVID. Yeah, definitely.

Knock on wood. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, train, is there something in particular that you wanted to talk about today or? Um, hmm. I mean, you know, to be frank, I just, you know, I miss your company.

Cool, man. I enjoy talking to you. You know, it's not often. I get to talk to, you know, somebody like you and, you know, we're going to bounce back, you know, bounce our ideas back and forth, you know, and I don't get much of that depth, you know, around these parts of Twitch. People are usually more, you know, kind of get what you see. And what do you end up getting from other people?

Just surface level. That's it. I'm not sure if that's, you know, the end. I doubt that is. But I don't think very many people like to open up on Twitch. with each other at least, right? Maybe with you, yes, but with each other, I think it's more surface-level stuff. I think everyone's always playing a, you know, there's always a politics to play.

You know, people don't want to give their vulnerabilities, right, because they could be used as a weapon against them, which I don't blame them. That's kind of just the world we live in. Yeah, it's unfortunate, isn't it? It is. And what do you, I'm happy to answer these questions that I'm about to ask you as well. But what do you appreciate about our conversations? For the most part, I appreciate the unbiasedness.

I appreciate the objectivity to it. I appreciate, you know, don't get me wrong. I live a very fortunate life. You know, I'm in a very fortunate place, especially during COVID. You know, I have an amazing job, make a lot of money. but definitely I think it's always an uphill battle when it comes to people's first impressions of me. Right.

With you, even if you may have felt anything negative about me, I feel like you had the wisdom to put it aside and, you know, actually talk to me and give me a chance that way. So that's what I enjoy. Yeah. I mean, train, just thinking a little bit, I think you've faced a lot of judgment, bro. A lot of judgment. Yeah. some of it justified some of it not but yeah don't we all though i think we all do to a certain degree

i mean so you're saying a couple of things that um maybe can be kind of a threat of this discussion you sort of say you're fortunate almost like a disclaimer and yeah i wanted to yeah i wanted to make that clear because for some reason uh so like on usually i'd leave that out but on on like obviously you know I don't want to say as a public figure it just sounds very weird but like as a public figure I guess for some reason if you're successful and have money then you don't have a right to you know cry about how you feel because you're better than 99% you know you better often the 99% that don't have money that think money solves everything would trade all of their troubles to just have money right?

But they don't realize once they get it, they'll realize that, you know, there's no amount of money that would ever solve or fix the troubles within. Does that make sense? Yeah. So I had that as a disclaimer because it seems like that's what people latch on to, right? Oh, the big old, you know, streamer that's living in the 1%. He's sad. Oh, big deal. Right. So I just kind of, I just had a disclaimer just to avoid like 20 minutes of talk. Yeah. I hear that. And what I'm kind of curious about is like, what is it like to not allowed to be sad? I don't know. Hey, I don't, I mean, I don't mean to, for this, it's not that deep for me. Like, I think people, I think the people that, you know, care for me, they don't do that. And the people that kind of are just there that's kind of trash talking, I'm just trash talking back. It's like that simple. I don't really scurry away into my corner to say, oh, this is fucked up. I just say, yo, you know, suck my dick.

Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let me, let me just make sure I got you.

On the one hand, you kind of acknowledge that you are lucky and fortunate in a lot of ways. Some of the people that I've worked with, I've had the opportunity to work with really all walks of life. Anywhere from working in a prison to working with, you know, successful startup CEOs. And one of the things is sometimes, like, sometimes they do get judged very harshly and it can be really hard to not be allowed to suffer. but what I'm hearing from you is that you actually do have a pretty like you do feel like you are allowed to be sad like you don't necessarily have to do it in public and there's sort of the public persona where you don't have to like cry me a river kind of thing but that you know if you have authentic feelings you have people to share them with and it's not too big of a deal.

Oh for sure. Yeah. Yeah, 100% for sure. There's definitely a lot. There's a lot of the good, you know, the good viewers. It's taking me a long time to realize that. Don't get me wrong. You know, three, four years to realize that. You know, I used to focus on the negative. I think this was just like six, seven months ago, I was just focused on all the negative. And I kind of was ignoring the positive. And I realized that I was kind of reinforcing and perpetuating, you know, the negative because that was the only way they got attention. And now I see all the positive. And there's a lot of positive. There really is. Some days, I think the negative, you know, goes overboard. But I think most days, it's a lot of positive comments and a lot

of supporters. So I do think I let's go ahead. Can you tell me a little bit about the positive? Yeah, I think they started focusing on the positive. Like what kind of stuff? I think my favorite thing that I've discovered over the last two, three months is there are people watching that they have the social intelligence to recognize when I might not feel, you know, worthy or I may not feel like I'm worth something to myself. And they reach out on Twitter or Instagram or, you know, in a whisper and they say, hey, it's a new. save my life or you changed my life or without you I'd be going through this and that and you know they send those messages pretty much you know on on on point when I'm feeling down so I think I think there's a lot of supporters that are watching and they have a pretty good idea they kind of read me because of

how long they've watched me so that's kind of what I mean does that make sense yeah makes a lot of sense yeah so so it's interesting because you know what I'm if you really listen to those words what it almost sounds like is they're thanking you but what I'm hearing for from you is that they're actually helping you. It's not just an expression of gratitude that they recognize that maybe you're feeling a particular way and that like, you know, they recognize that you may need a little bit of TLC. And so they're giving a little bit back. I think they're actually, what I think they're doing is, which is actually kind of beautiful

in a way is they're letting me know that, that I have a purpose, right? Like in their own way, they're trying to let me know that I play a role in their happiness or in their life, right? So, like, I think it's actually a way deeper and more beautiful than that, to be honest. But yeah, I think, yeah, just that. I've noticed that recently. For a long time, I just kind of focused on the hate and, you know, don't get me wrong. I still go in and, you know, do my thing. But for the most part, I've recognized a lot of the lurkers, you know, coming out and, you know, talking to me, letting me know.

What do people hate you for, train? Well, that little laugh right there, you hear that? Yeah. There's a little, like, I can recognize a little bit of cockiness to that laugh. Kind of like a, here we go, right? I think that's what it is. Does that make sense? Sure, they hate you because you have a cocky response to their complaints.

or is it the cockiness itself? No, I'm not, it's not that, no, no, no. So I think, I think it's, okay, so most people that, so here's what I've noticed from a lot of like new viewers. A lot of the new viewers that I get, they all, you know, as soon as any kind of bullying talk comes up, they go, yo, you were the bully, right? And we always show my high school photo and they always start laughing and saying,

holy fuck, right? So I think people, you know, they look at this and I think that like I've always been here confidence wise, not realizing that, right, I'm here because I recognized my insecurities. You know, I went through my periods of insecurity. I still have my insecurities, right? So I think it's more so a thing where there's like a general stereotype for male gamers or male personalities or male larger creators to have some sort of flurricular. law, which I'm going to be wrong. I have many of those.

You know, I mean, look at me. You know, I look like a gorilla, which I like, to be honest. I like it, right? But anyways, get back to the point. I think there needs to be, I feel like, okay, now, I could be totally wrong here, but I really feel like, not everybody, but the most vocal viewers, I think they need a, a streamer. or someone they watch to have something that makes them feel better. But I feel like my personality and the way I go about things, no matter what insults are thrown at me, I hold a certain composure that they need to disappear.

Like, they need me to like fall in order to, I can't explain. Sure, maybe I can help you out in a second, but just keep going. What I'm trying to say is, right, so if you notice a lot of the successful streamers, they either make fun of themselves, whether it's purposefully or accidentally, right? Like, it's either just an indirect or, like, passive thing they have where they're quirky and they're not realizing it, or it's like a purposeful, like, you know, degrading themselves in order, you know, for people to be able to laugh and appreciate them, right? But if you don't have that or do that, I think there is some sort of, I don't know.

I've noticed this throughout Twitch. Like, does that make sense? I don't know if that makes any sense, actually. Yeah. I don't know. I think it makes a lot of sense. So, Train, you know, a couple of things that I'm remembering. One is that you frequently mention that you feel like you don't make sense.

Well, I know I make sense to me. The problem is sometimes I give these like anecdotal. examples that may not fully, you know, be clear. It may not, exactly. Well, yeah. Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah.

So, yeah, I think there it is again. Yeah. So let's, let me see if I understood you. So then you tell me if this is, you know, and then we'll see if it made sense or not. I'll tell if it makes sense, yeah. So like, you know, I think all. lot of times. So if we let's talk about ego for a second. Okay. Sure. So our ego, I, I generally think of our ego is a defensive mechanism that protects us from feeling bad. So, you know, if you call

me stupid, then fuck you, you're stupid. That's what my ego does, right? It sort of like rises up and then it puts other people down. So usually the way that the ego helps us feel better about ourselves is it kind of pumps us up or it puts other people down. And then the interesting thing is, that like if you think about putting other people down, there's a, you gain more value the bigger the person is. So if I'm feeling bad about myself and then I go, if I take a tree and I,

I play against a tree in Overwatch and I win against a plant, I don't feel any sense of satisfaction. Right? Because like if I like, if I play chess against, my three-year-old and I crush her. It's like my ego's not going to get anything from that. And so the bigger someone is, the more we gain from like putting them down. Right. And I think we see a colossal amount of hate towards public figures. And I think sometimes they do things that, you know, genuinely speaking are kind of out of line and stuff like that.

But I think generally speaking, I don't think that the amount of toxicity that public figures get is proportional to like how bad they are because generally speaking I think that like most people are about in the ballpark of the same amount of good and bad. It's not true you know so it's just one person just happens to be public but I have noticed this thing where a lot of people and you'll see this a lot like I was trying to understand why people make hate videos yeah you know like then a lot of people make hate videos and like like I sort of understand that there's a population that like easy to monetize and a lot of people watch them and stuff. And the question is like, why do people, why do people like watching hate videos? Why do people like watching attack videos for public figures?

And I think probably because it makes them feel better about themselves. I'd really love to talk to someone who like makes these hate videos one day, like, you know, one of these hate farmers and kind of ask them, what motivates you to make the videos that you make? Is it just money? No, no, no. I think, I think it's a little deep in that. I think they truly believe they're doing a public service, right? You can't see, so from your perspective, when you see, you know, someone make a mistake, right, or someone do something. From your perspective, you can kind of be like, okay, you know, it's fucked up, but, you know, we've all, very closely, we've all done that, right?

Some people, I think they're, they genuinely believe they're, like, doing, like, some, like, like God's right hand work. Like they truly believe this person is this way. They need to come out with the truth and let people know, let them, you know, beware, right? So I think it's more of like an ignorance or like not an ignorance. It's like a delusion or it's like some sort of, it's like some sort of like, I don't know what you'd call it. But that's what I think it is.

I don't think it's this thing where they're thinking like, how can I, I mean, maybe half of it is how can I get big off of this. I don't think it's this thing about monetization necessarily. I actually think that there's certain people like, you know, not large creators, like just the small, you know, maybe viewers that are creating or clipping things to try and, you know, I think there was like a, I don't know, it's a God complex, some sort of complex where they believe they're doing like society the good, they're the good person. They're outing the bad. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah. Why would you call that delusional? Because not always, but I think from most of what I see, I mean, I shouldn't say most, but from some of what I see, I think anyone that had the wisdom or anyone that was wise could kind of step back and like, okay, there's a lot missing here. So I think for these individuals, the reason I say delusional, for some of them, I think they fill in their own gaps to portray.

So, like, I don't think they're necessary. So I think a lot of the time, at least in my experience, I don't think they're telling the full story. They're telling the story that they need to be true in order for their ego to be saved, right? This person needs to be this way. They need to be this way, right? This isn't just a one-time thing, oh, we've done this. They've done this. No, this is truly evil and terrible. And let me tell you how, right? I think that's what it is. Does that make any sense? Yeah, I mean, I think righteousness is a good word. I think you used it earlier. This is some, right? Some others, obviously, it's fine. But, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, what I'm hearing you say is that their, you know, their internal compass is that like the reason that they make such hate videos is to actually make the world a better place. It's almost like they protect people. Yeah, I feel like it's closer to that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, they're sort of, they're kind of protectors of the innocent. Yeah. The internet masses.

Yeah. And protecting them from, you know, these sociopathic influencers, streamers. YouTubers, whatever. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, I'm curious. You know, I think what you're saying has a lot of merit. And at the end of the day, you know, it's been my overwhelming experience that you can come up with a theory that's as brilliant as you want it to be.

But until you actually talk to the person and listen to what they have to say, you won't really know. Yeah. And one of the things I was kind of thinking about. trained. So I think last time when we wrapped up my recollection was that like, you know, we were talking a little bit about this icon that people

turn you into and to a certain degree you like bear that mantle like you're okay bearing it but that actually, you know, because sometimes people need someone to hate and you're like, yeah, okay, fine. I can handle that. But that actually it does on some level like make you angry that

the way that people treat you. I don't know if we're back there, if it's been too long or whatever, but that was sort of my recollection of our last conversation. Yes. That's right. That's on point. That's definitely what we left off at. I know the cure for it.

I know what I need to do. I think sometimes I just don't have a patient. Can you tell us what the problem is first? How would you describe the problem before we get to the cure? Well, I think the problem is, so for example, it's very weird because, and this only happens with like first time viewers, right? My core community, they'll fuck around, they'll mess around, they'll meme. But a lot of first time viewers that come in, and I realize this from, you know, whether it's new accounts or just followed accounts that are old, the first, you know, comments

are usually something along the lines of like some sort of physical activity or some sort of size up, right? Like, something like, you know, you probably have a small dick or do you know how to fight, oh, I, you know, drop you. Like, it's always like, that's always a starter, which tells me that when people look at me, they see some sort of something they need to size up. Like, they can't just come like, hey, what's up, right? So, like, I don't know if that's, you know, an insecurity on their end. I don't know if it's just, you know, I give off, which I, I, actually, I'm not going to say, I don't know. I know for a fact that's something that's just given off, even though it's not, you know, I don't mean to. And I've realized this because recently I was testing this thing out with, I was playing

among us. And I started to test out this thing where I actually hire the pitch of my voice and I talk more like I'm asking questions than I am making a statement. Right. So, so like, I'll give an example. So I'm like, oh, no, yeah, no, it's okay. Don't worry about it. No, I'll go ahead. Right. Like, I'll talk like that. And like suddenly, I'm very well. Yeah, suddenly, like, everything's okay. I'm the nicest person in the world. Like, no one's having any issues. Like, I'm invited back, right?

But then as soon as I'm like, all right, where were you? Tell me what task you're doing. Suddenly, like, you know, I'm getting messages like from the person, you're scaring them. Like you're being a little aggressive. They don't want to play with you. Right. But it's like, I'm not doing anything, right?

It's only the pitch of my voice that's changing. And it's like, it's some crazy shit I've noticed. It's crazy shit, right? So, yeah, nuts, huh? You know, it's weird, train, and I hope I'm not falling into a trap, which I think maybe we can talk about. Sure. I feel like interviewing you, like, have you seen the movie Beauty and the Beast? Yeah, of course.

I feel like this is the closest I'll ever get to interviewing the Beast. Oh, my man, appreciate that. Hey, you keep talking like that. I'll be buying you a Christmas gift. You know what I mean? And there'll be a whole one. I mean, it's kind of. I'm just kidding. Sorry.

Is that a reference to Dick in a box? It is. Okay. At least I'm on, I'm on point there. I was like, go ahead. It's great. I appreciate it. So, but really, train, because what I'm hearing from you is sort of like, you know, you keep on saying like you look like a gorilla.

And what I'm hearing is that like people look at you and they're frightened of you. And what's it like to be someone that people are. fright. Like, people come in and they just can't say what's up. Like, people, you know, you have to raise the pitch of your voice. And boy, do you sound like a completely different person. I do, don't I? It's crazy. Like, I was, I was listening to some, I, I listened to the Vodd afterwards. And I was like, damn, like, this is what people need me to be. Just like a total, like, I, I, you know, just a total bitch. Like, they need me to, like, you know, succumb to their, you know, they need me to, like, do something that lets them know that, like, they're in.

charge. Otherwise, like, I'm a wild card, right? Like, anything can happen. They can't, they can't be themselves because I might step up and call them out. I might beat them up. Like, some crazy shit like that. It doesn't make any fucking sense. How long have people been scared of you, Tray? People aren't scared of me. I think there was just a, I don't want to say they're scared of me, right? Like, that's going to invite in some bullshit. Listen, I know some badass motherfuckers probably watching, hey, listen, I don't want any trouble. But anyways, um, let me rephrase. How long have people been initially reacting to you with fear? Oh, since the beginning. I still remember my, beginning. Middle school. For 100% high school, middle school, I'm kind of just assuming,

based on my high school experience. So high school, I'll explain to you. High school, I moved to high schools, and I went to this in this new city, new school, a whole different beat, different vibe, different culture, different, you know, it was an all-white school. It was really, weird, right? Like, it wasn't like an all white school, but like everyone was just white. Like, like, I remember like junior year, we had one black kid. It was just a very weird experience. Because my other, the place I came from, the middle school I went to, it was just all mixed. It was a melting pot. Just everybody was there. And that's kind of what I was used to, right? All my boys like, um, but anyways, go to the school and, you know, it was just, man,

it was nonstop, uh, you know, it was just psychological bullying, right? And in those days, there was no attention to psychological bullying. Back then, it was sticks and stones may break your bones, but words cannot hurt you. So no one paid any attention to that. And anyways, to fast forward, we can go deeper into that stuff later if you ask any questions relating to it. But fast forward to senior year, I ended up approaching like the main, I don't know what I'd call him, the main kid that kind of like facilitated. you know, the bullying or the hate.

And, you know, he kind of came to me and I went to him and I'm like, yo, like, why? And he actually apologized. He was super like nice and sweet and he's like, it all came down to freshman year. When you walked through our holes, you were the new kid. No one knew you. And when we looked at you, you walked around with your head up high. It just seemed like you thought you owned the place. And we needed to bring you down and let you know that we own it.

right and I'm thinking here like damn so me walking around with my head high it tells them that it like they feel threatened by me walking around my head high I need to walk my head down I need to show some visible insecurity or some visible sadness or some visible misery in order that for them to be okay and my entire four years of high school of bullying was because of that single walk to the hole right so so how does it feel to be a in that position where who you are pisses people off. Because that hasn't changed, right? Like what you just told me applies to Among Us too.

Because you can't, you have to know, oh, no, no, no. Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, oh, oh. Well, Among us is a little different, you know, among, you know, among us there's a little bit more, you know, I wouldn't say Among this is directly connected. There's a lot more politics going on among us. People want to be the best in the lobby so they can form the best YouTube clips and continue to be relevant, right? There's a different dynamic going on there, right?

That's just, that's like content creator life. It's like survival of most relevant, right? If I'm in the lobby, they're not going to get off their plays or it's going to be harder and they're going to get one clip instead of 20. So that's different. Like, I think that's just, you know, the competitiveness of whatever, right? So I don't think, yeah, but yeah. Does that make sense? You just told me that people think that you're scared.

What does that have to do with, hey, train, you're scaring people a little bit. Can you talk a little bit more like a bit? They've never said that, but yeah. I mean, so I understand that, like, look, I'm not disputing that the Among Us streaming community in high school are really different situations. Well, to be fair, they're kind of similar. They are similar, you know. What shocks me is that, is that, like, I mean, I think it's like not unreasonable to draw a parallel between walking in with your head held high and speaking like you normally do.

Both of those are just being just you. And something tells me that if you had spoken when you, when they walk, when you walked in with your head held high, if you had opened your mouth and you'd use your among us voice, they wouldn't have bullied you. Oh, I'm so sorry. What? Huh? Yeah, probably not. I mean, then again, like, if you saw the way I looked in high school, I don't know why the hell they were so fucking intimidated. I mean, I guess I did have my, you know, you know, I slot my same big face and big head, but damn, I was, I was a creature out of sheesh.

I got to show a picture one of these days. God damn. I got to show you a picture, Dr. Kat. I'm telling you. I'm going to show a picture right now, actually. Screw it. Why not? Take a look at this.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm happy to see the picture, but just before you show me the picture. but just before you show me the picture, I'm curious, what do you think my reaction is going to be? That's a good point. I guess you'll have no reaction, but I guess deep down, whatever's held me like, damn, my man. But yeah, what do you, what do you want? What do you want me? What are you looking for by showing me this picture? I guess I'm, holy shit. That's actually, you know what? That is what you just asked me there, just unlocked something that now that I've like, now that I understand, why I keep showing this picture.

It's the most logical, common sense thing ever, but I never thought of it before. I'm showing it so you don't see me this way and you see me that way. So instead, you cannot be threatened to just talk to me normal. I'm showing you a picture of me at a point where I'm just ugly, terrible, weak. And I'm showing that to you and hoping that when you look at me now,

you see that instead of this so you can just chill. Holy fuck. Because I keep showing this as a reference point to everyone that I talk to with whatever argument I get into. And now, like, that, holy fuck. Good shit. Good shit. I like that. That was good.

Holy shit. That was good. Good stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here it is, though. Check that out. Hold on. I'll check it out in a second.

We're not done. We're just getting started. Okay. So, like, something struck me as strange. And you're like, every time we talk about high school. And then you said we. we end up looking at a picture of me from high school and I was like, how on earth does that happen?

Do people go and Google what you look like in high school? And I think there's more to it. If you really want to show me the picture, that's fine. But what I want you to do is... I want you to pay attention to... I want you to pay attention to yourself. So do me a favor, actually. Can you screen share the picture

so that we see the picture instead of you? Yes, sir. And I want you to pay attention. attention to what you feel as I look at it, right, as you click the button. Okay, so I'm saying to make sure. Okay, share your screen. I'm sure this doesn't mess anything up. Oh, did I mess anything up? No, I didn't. Nope. Is this it? There should be it. Can you see that? Yeah. Okay. I'm sorry I couldn't help but laugh. How did you, how did you feel when I looked at that picture and laughed? I felt relieved. I felt good.

that's what I want. I want, that's all I want. I want you to look at it, laugh, and now we're just good, right? Because, like, now you have something of me that made you do that. So now from now on when we talk, I mean, obviously, this is the case between us anyways. But what would happen normally is from now when we talk, if your ego ever tells you this guy is threatening something, you just go back to this picture, plop it in your image. You go, okay, we're good, never mind.

Look at this dude, like no shot, right? Does that make any sense? Can I unshare? Yeah, you can unshare. Cool. Yeah, so I think it's a great revelation on your part, and I want to keep digging. Is that okay? Sure, whatever you want.

So the interesting thing is that what I felt was that I judged the picture negatively. No, I didn't get that vibe. No, that's what I felt. I was like, like, that belongs on, have you seen this part of this Reddit called blunder years? Yeah. It reminds me a little bit of blunder years. I don't mean to be condescending towards you, but like that was my initial, like, it reminded to me of like how we all look super awkward in high school.

And I, and I saw a little bit of myself in that picture. And I was like, oh, shit. You know, if you see a picture of me in high school, it was. It reminds, yeah, it reminds me of, have you seen those, uh, those like movies that have the actors? And then, like, at the end, it shows like their high school photo of like their entire like metal gear like, you know, some some some fucking, uh, solar system of braces on, right? Like, that's what reminds me of up. It reminds me of that like, you know, what we see now, you know, there's a

story behind it, right? Not all of, we didn't look this way our entire lives. We didn't, you know, we've all had our, you know, whatever. Yeah. So that, yeah, I don't know. So like just to kind of draw a couple of random ass parallels, okay? And I'm just going to start tossing stuff out trained. You let me know. It sounds like you've discovered something important, so cool. I'm going to just offer a couple of other hypotheses. One is that what I'm sort of seeing is that like you're showing people, hey, do you see how I wasn't always the beast?

I used to be human. Right? It's like in beauty and the beast, it's sort of like you're the beast at that point and that's what everyone sees. And like you want to show people that I wasn't always like this and please remember that I'm not as scary as I appear. Yeah. I mean, I know what I have to do.

Like, I know what I realistically have to do. I just don't have the patience for it. What do you have to do? Everyone that comes to me and thinks I'm some sort of, you know, fucking beast, right, you know, to pick something with. I just got to kill them with kindness. That's it. I got to come with kindness until one day they, you know, just say, fuck it, right? Fuck shit.

I'm the asshole, right? But I just, you know, I'll keep it a buck 50. I just say, fuck that. And I just, you know, give them a little roast back. Because I'll tell you what, it's always the webs and it's always the Overwatch viewers that are always the most judgmental. And it's crazy. It's crazy. It's bad shit. Because those two sections have no place to be judgmental. Sorry, I went off on a tangent.

Yeah. So, train, I wonder if there's a little bit more to it. So like I have a wild, wild, wild thought, which is what if when people look at you, they don't see what you think they see? What if they don't see you is scary? Well, here's the thing. I'm going to ask you a question. Okay. Now, not this Dr. K, but the U 20 years ago, okay, if you saw someone that was actually hideous, that was actually overweight, would you sit there and nonstop, call them those names, call them those things, let them know that they're those things? No, you wouldn't, right? It's only the ones that you know or not, but you need to keep saying it to make them somehow believe it, right? Because like if they actually were, you're not, right?

Like, people who were actually these things, if they actually were, you'd feel bad saying them, right? So like I've come to this conclusion that if I was truly this hideous, ugly, disgusting beast that scared everyone, right? Maybe people wouldn't, you know, right? Like, it seems like there is something else to it. Doesn't that make any sense? I completely agree. So then let me ask you something. So your conclusion is that if people keep on calling you out as scary, you must not be that scary.

Because if you are really, really scary, then like, if people are truly hideous, we don't call them hideous to their face. Well, no one says scary because like, like that would contradict the entire purpose of even coming to say anything. If you say someone's scary, you're automatically, you're already giving up the peace that your ego is supposed to be fighting for, right? Sure. Good point. So, yeah, it doesn't, it doesn't manifestly as scary. Yeah. It's more so it comes through as in like ugly or something negative. It's something that I know if it was true, they wouldn't say it.

Instead, they'd look and feel bad like damn. Why do you keep calling yourself a girl? Why do you keep saying that you look like a gorilla? I mean, I'm going to be honest. I kind of like it. I think, you know, I mean, I don't think I look. I mean, technically we evolved from them. Is that too bad?

You feel me? Yeah, I don't. You kind of like it. What do you like about it? It's just, I don't know. It's perfect, right? Think about this. Gorillas.

They're these powerful creatures, right? But they just sit there and they eat grass. It's perfect, right? People see me as this guy that's going to bend the bars and beat everyone up and do the worst things in the world. But really, I'm just eating my grass, hanging out, doing what I can, right? Does that make sense? So what I'm hearing is that a gorilla is a good representation for the way that you are treated and the way that you are in the sense that a grill is like gigantic and can look kind of scary,

but they're just sort of chilling. And so you're judged for being sort of gigantic and kind of scary, but you're just kind of chilling. Well, to be fair, I'm kind of small right now. But yeah, for the most part, I would say so. What does that mean you're kind of small right now? Well, COVID, you know, I haven't really done any of my regiments. So, uh, oh, I see. You mean like muscular shirt.

Yeah, which is another thing, which is crazy, right? When I'm big, the problem's even worse. I lose my size and then we're in a new avenue, right? Oh, you look like a skinny bitch, bro. Yeah, I hit the gym again. Then I hit the gym. Fucking bitch, pussy trying to get muscles, make your dick bigger. Like, right?

Like nothing's going to fix your dick. guys, right? Like, there's always something, right? That's life. I think it's just life. There's haters and there's none, right? I just think there's more so in my evidence. It doesn't sound to me like you can win. Oh, I don't think anyone can win. The point is, this is going to exist no matter what, right? You have to accept it and you have to just, you know, put yourself around, you know, approve. What's it like for you to always have people be unhappy with who you are? Well, Thankfully, I've realized recently that it's only a vocal minority, right? Like the people I pay attention to you are the positive commenters and the people that are there for me,

the things that I have done that we have done as a community, right? I just pay attention to them now. That took me a long time, right? And even once in a while, I'll be honest, you know, I'm a little content starved zone, you know, point a couple out, roast them. But I think for the most part, they're going to exist no matter what. You just have to focus on the more positive ones and not give them. But here's the craziest part that I've noticed.

the ones that are doing this, I don't even know if it's right to call them like haters or whatever you want to call them because I've noticed they're actually it's this weird thing, they're actually more loyal than the positive ones. My most loyal, like the ones that like, it feels like they die for me in some weird sadistic

criminal minds, Aaron Hotschner way, are ones that shit talk me, right? Now don't get me wrong, I love the ones that are positive. They're loyal as hell too, but it seems like the most diehard, it isn't even like a pure hatred they want to bring me down it seems like in order to continue to watch me they need to do it to justify it for themselves i don't know it's some weird fucking shit well so let's not worry about the minority for a second because you're you're sort of talking about the minority but what i'm hearing is that this has been like this doesn't sound like a minority issue to me this sounds

like you've been judged for your appearance and your voice like every person that you talk to you have these thoughts about not wanting to scare them. You have these thoughts of like eventually showing them the picture so that they are not scared of you. That doesn't sound to me like you're responding to the minority. That sounds to me like you're responding to a fact of life. Yeah, you're right. I'm kind of just downplaying it right now because I feel like, I feel like the problem with

being in that situation is the very situation itself, it's almost like a, what is it It's a paradoxical situation. Because the people that, the people, let me explain why, what that means, okay? Here's why. It's this weird thing that can never be solved and never be fixed because the people that do it passively, they don't recognize it because they don't actually, when they look at me, they don't see it as this unfair treatment. They in their minds have come to a conclusion based on certain things that I do or whatever the case might be, right? And it is this objective, rational thing that they've come to, you know, to a conclusion of, right? Like, this isn't something that, like, so when you point it out, it sounds like I'm not taken

responsibly for something I'm doing. And if it's not, right, and if it's not that, then what I'm saying doesn't exist, I'm delusional, right? Like, there's no solving it because the people are, yeah, I get that. So here's my question. What's it like to be on the receiving end of all of that? like it sounds like you can't win. Like they look at you, they judge you.

Like, if you point it out to them, it feels delusional. If you try to be yourself, they're scared of you in an Among Us lobby. You know? And so then you have to go through all these hoops and gymnastics of showing them high school pictures so that they're like, what is it like to like walk around and like have to convince people that you're not scary?

Like, holy shit, man. Well, that's not even the saddest part. Okay. The saddest part is I don't even have, like, for 90% of the people I meet, it's not even the case where I have an opportunity to show them, I'm not this person. Right? It's, I'm just disconnected instantly. And I don't know why, right?

I'll send a message like, yo, I'm sorry if I, you know, did this or did that. And like, it's just like, right? because that's the best way I've noticed people like to deal with their stuff, right? They just totally remove it from their lives instead of facing it and seeing what made them feel this way and what actually I might have done, right, which might have been something, who knows, right? I think a lot of people, I've had a lot of friends reach out to me saying, yo, you know, when you said, fuck you to me, that sounded like an terror, right?

Like, right, like, it sucks, okay? I can't like, for example, okay, on the podcast, if I like get excited and argue, everyone thinks in this fucking crazy, aggressive mood. I'm just excited. Like, I wonder if I had a higher-pitched voice, do I have the right to be excited in my arguments? But since I have a deeper pitch voice and I get excited, it looks like I'm going to war with them.

And all of a sudden they think I'm coming at them, right? So it sucks, yeah. But I guess that's how it is. I don't know. Does that make any sense? Yeah, entirely too much. I mean, listen, my mom has told me this. Since I was a kid, though, Dr. Kaye,

my mom told me, listen, you have a deep voice when you get excited. you know, you kind of, you know, get a little aggressive, right? One day someone's going to punch you in the face. She told me that. Drill my fucking head. Drilled out my head for, drill down my head for so long, right? And that eventually that's kind of what started happening, not physically punch in the face, but, you know, over the internet, people would be like, shit, you know, the fuck,

back the fuck up, right? And then we'd get into an argument. We wanted to talk with three weeks. But I was just excited in an argument. Does that make any sense? Makes a lot of sense. So I have a wild thought, okay? And this is probably the most.

most wrong thought that I will have in a conversation with you. But I'm going to share it anyway. So when I think about, so sometimes I work with people who don't, aren't confident, let's say, in the way that they approach. I'll just assume a heteronormative stance for a second. So like, we'll talk about, you know, gamers who have trouble talking to women. So we're assuming that gamers a dude. We're assuming they're heterosexual and we're assuming that they like women. Okay.

And so then there's something really wild, which is that, like, they say that, yeah, the reason that I have trouble talking to women is because I am terrible and I'm ugly and I have a small jaw and all these other things. They'll sort of use this biodeterministic approach to explain why people respond to them the way that they do. Right? It's not my fault. It's just women judge me this way. And so the wild thing that when I work with these people is that what we actually find is that it's the insecurity itself that is based on this belief that women don't like them. That is what makes them unattractive to women. Yeah, I agree with that. And so here's the wild thing that I have for you, Train, is that does the same apply to you? Is it your belief that you're scary?

Is it is it your mom drilling into you? Like, just imagine what that does to a kid when your mom tells you, hey, by the way, you're a scary looking kid. And if you get excited, people are going to dislike it. Like, that plants a seed in your mind. And I'm almost wondering whether the reason people think you're scary is because you think you're scary. But I don't think I'm scary. That's the point.

That's what I'm trying to say. I don't think I'm scary. I know myself. I'm a fucking teddy bear. I mean, right? Like, you think people think you're scary. I wouldn't say. scary. I would say I think there's an intimidation factor somewhere there where they feel like

they need to be, you know, they need to size me up just to let me know. I don't think it's a scary thing. I think, yeah, definitely there's an intimidation thing. But I don't know. I'm not, right? Like, it's not like I'm, I don't know. Yeah. So here's. What should I do in your opinion then to not give off? I know this, this sounds, this sounds like, so like I said, this is probably the thing that I may be the most wrong about. But I think that if this happens to be right, even if it's, you know, the low likelihood, that I think it could actually change a lot of your interaction. So like, let's just go through two scenarios, right?

One is that, you know, you're a smart guy and you've made lots of observations about your life and you've noticed the way that you're treated. And it's like the height of arrogance for me to tell you that your experiences have been incorrectly interpreted by you, right? I mean, you've grown up with your face and your voice. Well, I've been told these things, right? Sure, of course, of course, right? Just like the in-cells say about, like, I've been, I've all this data.

They give me tons and tons of data about why they're unattractive. They point to all sorts of things. So I, you know, you know, so, so it's like it, like, so it's very, it's the height of like, psychiatric arrogance to dismiss your experiences based on some beautiful theory that is mind-blowing that I've constructed. It's like the worst mistake that my profession makes is when I say, you are wrong trained, here is really what's going on with you. It's all in your fucking head.

So I could be making the biggest mistake of my profession right now. And at the same time, there's a part of me that wonders, you know, like how much of this is like your perception that people think you're scary and almost like an overcompensation for insecurity that signals insecurity. Right? Because you know you're a teddy bear and you have to start raising your voice, which then sort of like maybe that's like it's the overcompensation that's actually kind of like people are like not quite sure. I don't really know here. I think it's just it's like a, it's just a thought that I had. Well, I'll tell you the exact process that it goes through, okay? So it's not the case that

I talk to someone and someone is standoffish and I'm like, oh, damn, I must have scared them. That's not the case, right? Like, what happens is I, something happens and then I'm not, you know, invited back or they stop talking or they get very weird and I, I sense that. I don't go, okay, well, it must have been, hey, you know, they must have just got scared of my voice. Just real quick, we're, real quick. I actually sit there and I think, okay, what could I have done? I must have said something. I must have did something. I sit through this process and then I reach out.

I send a nice, like, well-written apology saying, yo, I'm sorry if I offended you in any way. I'm looking through this. I don't see what I've said, but I had no intention, right? And then that's when I'll get the response back, right? And there's many people, big figures that some of you've talked to, some you haven't, that have just directly said, hey, and I can name names if you'd like. They've said, listen, you have this aggressive vibe to you, your voice mixed in with your emotion,

scarce people. These are the exact words written to me by very credible and brand friendly, like, direct messages, this exactly. And I was very shocked that they'd admit this because no one will. They'd rather just put it on me than admit it because it's a direct, you know, a conflict with their ego if they admit it, right? So the fact that this person, these people have admitted this only after we've become such, you know, does that make sense? Yeah, it makes sense.

I just don't want to accept that. I don't like, I'm having trouble. I realized why I'm offering this crazy theory. I don't want to accept that you have to live a life where people are scared of you for you just being you. I don't think they're scared of me. Whatever. Call it whatever you want. I just don't, that hurts too much for me to think about.

So I'm looking for a way to disprove that because I don't want that to be true. And there's a part of it. I think a lot of people don't want to be true either. I mean, like over the last like four years, I think I've been saying this for a long time. And over the lot, you know, it all started with your delusional, right? Ego and you delusional like not can't take responsibility. Then, you know, a year goes by. Some people are like, holy shit, you're right.

What the fuck? Two years it goes by. Now I'm in a point where there's content creators that I don't even know that I'm seeing post things of me saying if train did this. People would freak the fuck out, right? When this guy does it, they're cool with it. I see this everywhere now. People that I'm not even connected to.

Because people are slowly, the more I talk about it, the more people are stepping back and they're realizing, holy shit. Six people just did this yesterday. Train did one-tenth of this. And there was 15 head threads and six news articles and trying to get them banned. Right? Like, it's there, unfortunately. You know, you know, really what I want to do?

I don't know if this is, this is probably a bad idea. So I'm just going to share this. thought kind of randomly. Like, I wonder if we ever meet in person, you're in Texas, right? Yes. So we were thinking about as Healthy Gamer doing sort of like an Austin meetup at some point. And what I'm just really curious about, this is probably a terrible idea, so we, you know, shouldn't do it for all kinds of reasons. I'm really curious. What I want to do is I want to introduce you to my kids. And I just want to see how they react. And if my kids are scared

of you, boy, is that going to hurt? But, I think, but if they're not scared of you, then like, I think we've got to go back to the drawing board. I don't think they'll be scared of me. Most kids that I meet, like, they love me, right? Like, and I don't know. Why do you think that is? Why do you think it is that adults are, or I know, scared is a strong word, but, you know. Because they have nothing to be threatened by. That's not, it's not, it's not a thought in their head. Like, they don't, like, upon entrance of the room, they don't think, oh, damn, the fuck, like, this guy walks in, like, man, would my girlfriend fuck this guy?

Like, they're not thinking, they're not there. All they're thinking about is, like. But, train, you're so deep into these people's heads, man. That's wild. Like, just think about how much you're inferring about someone else's thought process. I think it's just a, I don't think it's like something that's like, I think it's just basic human shit, to be honest, right? It's like a flight or flight thing, right?

Like if I see someone that's, you know, right? There's people I look at. Listen, I do it too. And I have to step back like, holy shit, this is what happens to me. I don't like it. I got to not do this guy. I am guilty of doing what people do to me to others. There's people I look at.

I'm like, damn, this motherfucker. Like, can I act myself? Can I be wild or grannie to chill out around this guy? He might slap the fuck out of me, right? I do the same thing, right? That's how I can recognize it so well because I'm guilty of it. just as everyone else has their person that they're guilty of it with too. I think the part of it is once you go through yourself, there's a wisdom to it until you get

to a certain point of maturity, maybe. I don't know. But I've done it myself. And I've actually had a holdback like, like, damn, this isn't right. This isn't fair. I don't like this. Why the fuck would he? And then I end up meeting the guy and, you know, sometimes he's actually a great guy and sometimes

he is actually a dick. Well, so that actually makes me a little bit hopeful because what we tend to do as human beings is apply our own internal calculus to other people. Right? So like just to give you an example. Like a projection, right? Yeah. So like, so for example, you know, I don't care about birthdays and events and Christmas and stuff like that.

Like I enjoy Christmas as a holiday with family, but gift giving has never really been something that's important to me. So, you know, if my wife like gets bent out of shape because she doesn't get me a gift for her. She was like bent out of shape because like, my birthday rolled around and like there wasn't a gift and I was like I you know but what she was doing in that moment is is assuming that I was going to react to the same situation the way that she would and on the flip side you know like sometimes I won't get her a gift or or you know I've learned now because I'm still married and you can't stay married unless you learn um but like you know I've kind of learned but for a while like I didn't prioritize gift giving for her because I was like what you know

no big deal. Like, I'll just get you something at a random date because I think it's something that you'll like. I don't have to get it for an occasion. Yeah. And so I used to assume that she had my thinking and she used to assume that I had her thinking when it comes to giving gifts. And that's just something that human beings do. And that's what I'm kind of saying is like, so first of all, I admit that like, like I said, I could be wrong. Secondly, I also admit that I have a, I care about you. And I don't want to accept that you, that you, live in the world that you live in. And so I'm going to go as far as disputing that your reality is real with the hopes that

maybe it doesn't have to be that way. Now, you make the most convincing argument. If you give me an in-cell, if you give me a narcissist, if you give me someone who has a history of trauma, I feel pretty fucking confident that their perception of reality is wrong, and I am right. I think the tricky thing here is that you, I think, make the strongest case for your perception of reality being right, which gives me a sliver of a hope that like something about the way that you interact with people actually creates the very thing that you have learned to accept. And that's the other thing is like, like since you've learned to accept that people treat you this way, you know, it hurts and it sucks. you're just sort of like, that's life, right?

Like, what am I going to do, sit around and bitch about it? Like, I still have a lot to be grateful for. You know, I've learned how to deal with it. And that also makes me sad because it's like, I just don't want you to live a life where, like, people are judging you this way. And I wonder a little bit, it's like this picture thing. I think there's more than meets the eye to this whole situation. You just, you just mention way too much that you look like a gorilla.

Well, there's one common thing I've been told my entire life by everybody. love, hate, great, you know, friends, enemies. There's one thing that's used to describe me that's been common among everybody. Everyone says when they meet me, and they say this about my eyes, they say, I'm very intense. The way my eyes, like, stare, like, it's very intense.

I've been talking about everybody. So, like, maybe when we meet, you can do a little, you know, diagnosis on that, or whatever the hell you call it, right? And that could be the start of everything, right? Like, I mean, listen, on a more joking side, people go as far as saying, you know, I look like I've been through six wars. Some crazy shit, right? I remember my first girlfriend.

My first girlfriend told me she looks in my eyes and also she's in darkness, right? This is about my entire life. Okay, I'm telling you this isn't some things I'm just coming in my head. I'm being told these things. Like some crazy shit. And then, right? And then, you know, there is the actor from The Punisher. He works like six different movies, but it's always the Punisher, right?

Always the Punisher. It's never, you know, the guy from Walking Dead, right? I think I was one time with Austin, right? It's always the punisher. It's always something to do with war or, like, I'm telling you, it's crazy shit. It's crazy shit. But hey, I'd rather be this way than, you know, one of those, you know, one of those webs, you know, I'd rather be this way. You know what I'm saying?

That was a joke. That was me just making a fight. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. No, I'm just looking at you. Yeah, my bad. I'm just going to look at you for a second. Is that okay?

Okay, I'll look at you too. Maybe I need to do my eyebrows. You know, I've been told I need to do my eyebrows more. Can you shut up for a second train? You're not a scary guy, man. I know. You know what's crazy? When I tell jokes, I have to.

And, hey, you can ask my chat about this. Look my vods. I have developed this thing, this habit over the last 10 years of my life where I have to, every time I make a joke, I need to add a fake laugh at the end of the joke. It's like a little chuckle to let people know this is a joke, right? I'm telling you, I'm just, I have this like very, I don't know what it is, right? Yeah.

I mean, it's probably my fault, but, you know, that's it right there. That was it. I can get behind it. I think I'm convinced. I'm convinced that people look at you and are intimidated. I'm convinced. Makes me sad. But I, I don't.

think it's all in your head. I do still think that there are elements of projection or almost like this sort of projective insecurity. Like, you know, like, you know, you're kind of thinking like, oh my God, I'm so scary. And so like, because the truth, the truth. I'm not thinking that though, because that's not the truth. Right. Like if you and I talk to deeper into it, I don't think I'm that because I know what I actually am. That's the problem. That's why that's why I have to show the high school photo. If I truly thought I was scary, I wouldn't show the high school photo. I'd be like, yeah, what's up? Right?

I need to show the high school photo. Yeah, no, you would. That's why you show the high school photo, right? Because you're showing the high school photo to dispel the myth that you are scary. It's not that you're scary on the inside. It's that you're the beast. You're scary on the outside. You've got this kind of like, you know, ape-like countenance, an intense gaze,

a physical imposing kind of thing. And I'm just really torn because I don't know. if this is just like, you know, just play to it, right? Because this is just what's, what God is given you. And you've got a deep voice and, and, you know, you are. And then there's a part of me that's sort of like, it's, it's got to be tough to be, you know, to walk around and not be able to talk. I've heard this from women, actually, that like women have to learn, like, especially in, like, high-powered professions, they have to learn how to be, how to, like, use a different voice. I've heard of that, actually. It's called something. I've heard of that. We talked about that.

We talked about that last podcast, actually. That in certain situations, they have to change their voice. Vocal something. Yeah, vocal fry. Vocal fry. Sorry. Vocal fry. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So they'll like, they'll like add vocal fry to their language so that people don't think that they're a cold bitch. And so they'll be sort of like ditsy or valley girl or call it whatever. I've actually talked to women who sort of had these experiences and I'm wondering whether. Yeah, it's hard, train. I don't know. I just want, you know, because something tells me like, because my kids know the Disney tropes. And if you're a scary looking dude, I'm pretty sure, you know, one of my kids is kind of a scared cat. And I think if she's not scared of you, I'd sort of trust her. And I think

for you- I've never met a kid that's scared of me. Kids love me. So that's the other thing, train, is I think you've got to really think about that, right? Like, because kids are pretty, like, they're pretty surface level. I mean, in a sense, they're surface level and in a sense they're deep. And something makes me wonder, like, why is it that? that you, like, what is it that the kids see that the adults don't? And what's the difference there? It's not about what the kids see and the adults don't. It's what the kids don't and what the adults see. Right. As you grow older, there's different stereotypes and social like constructs or social standards that are set, such as what you said earlier, right? The incels say, I don't have a jaw line. She's not going to like me. Right. So when you point that out, right? Thank you. So, thank you so much.

So, actually, Ludwig said the same thing like two days ago. But anyways, so, just kidding. But seriously. But anyways, right. When you point out that an in-cell says, you know, I have a small jawline, she's not going to like me. You're literally right there, it's being admitted that there's this weird social standard set that if you have a strong jaw line, if you have a deep voice, if you look like a man,

then you're a true man. And without that, you're not a man. So it's these things. I think it's that, right? I think it's insecurity. Right. Here's my experience. People who I've met that have treated me normal and they've been the coolest people in the world,

they could be the ugliest, the most beautiful. They share one thing. Confidence. When they have self-confidence, there is nothing. There's none of this. None of this ever, right? Like a good example is Will Neff, right? I think Will Neff has a strong grasp of who he is, at least for now, with where he is in life.

I don't know if that is. But I think he has a confidence. And when he sees me, he doesn't see me as this. He talks to me like we're souls floating in the sky, right? So there's different people that I've met that have just a true confidence. And I never have that issue with. It's usually, you know, and when I say true confidence, it's. understanding and being one with your insecurities. I don't think it's possible to be fully rid of

your insecurities or at least like I think everyone has them and you kind of become aware of them. You manage them. You know, maybe one day you can live without them. Sure. But like I think insecurities make who you are. Right. So when I say confidence, that's what I'm referring to, right? I think the, go ahead. Can I ask you kind of just a random question that I don't think we've talked about and I find myself being really curious about this. So what is what is what have your romantic relationships been like. Good. I've had three girlfriends. That's it. And they've been good. You know, uh, you know, I think they, you know, when I talk honestly with them, I think they, you know, they open up, you know, I actually just had this conversation recently with my current girlfriend.

And we were talking about when she first met me versus, you know, what she knows of me now. You know, what she knows of me now. You know, she knows I'm like a nice guy and, you know, I'm soft. in the inside, but when she first met me, when she first looked at me, you know, she thought I was just this douchebag. She even went as far as me, you know, even went as far as saying, you know, she could see me snapping and becoming, you know, serial killer or some shit, right? Like, like, these are the things, right, that are admitted, like, once you, like, get close enough with someone where they, they lose nothing admitting these things to you, right? And I've been told that by a lot of people. The serial killer remark, I've been told that by so many people.

And it's the eyes. It's the eyes. I don't know what it is. Listen, I don't know. Look my eyes. I looked at you already. We did this. We played this game. So I don't know what that does to, like, I'm just, so professionally, like, I don't know what it does to a human being to be told by multiple people that I thought you looked like a serial killer. Like, what the fuck, man?

What does that do to someone? Well, to be fair, she was just using that as an example to, like, she thinks I would, like, you know, beat someone's ass if they pissed me off, right? But other people, when they say that, I think they're being. I don't think she was being, I don't think she'd date me if she was, she thought that, right? I don't, because she's like, she's like a good girl, right? So I don't think she'd date me if she thought that. But when other people tell me that, you know, I don't know.

I don't know. I guess the people that tell me that I don't really fuck with. So I'm kind of happy they think that because I don't want them coming near me. So I think it works. It's a win-win. Does that make any sense? Yeah. I mean, so.

I don't know, man. Train, you have, I don't know. that I'm just so conflicted between my heart going out to you and also like thinking that if if you did have a gigantic amount of cognitive bias or projection or view of the world, how would that happen? It would be like, you know, a 15 year old kid being told that they look like a serial killer. I mean, I don't know that you were 15 at the time. 18 year old, 19 year old. I do want to make clear the reference I made. It was more of like a metaphoric thing of like how mad I'd get, right, with my girlfriend's situation.

I don't care. The other people, I don't know. I just want to make that clear because that's not fair. I've been on this earth for 38 years and no one has ever called me a serial killer in any way, shape, or form. Even jokingly, metaphorically, like whatever. Well, people, I don't have to tell you. I mean, listen, if there is something that I'm doing, right, I can't even think, like, even if I told, even if I roasted somebody who told him to suck my dick and fuck off, I don't even think that would justify this civil killer thing. So I don't know what I'm doing, right?

They're watching me behind a screen. What could I be doing? So that's a damn good question, right? So like you have a lot of good hypotheses. You have it's my voice. It's my face. It's my gaze. I think all those make sense.

But then I think I got to think there are some things you're doing, right? Because you're doing this weird shit like showing a bunch of people your high school photo. Could it be my demeanor? That's the thing. I don't know if it could be demeanor or attitude or mindset or like whether there's some weird ass. Because I think you certainly sound like you're projecting. Like when when I hear people. go into a lot of detail about what other people are thinking,

that usually is coming from you. It's not coming from that. If you think about someone who's got social anxiety, for example, they're like you walk into a room and they're like, yeah, these people all think I look at like stupid. And like the more they double down on knowing what is in someone else's head, the more likely they are to be incorrect. But these things weren't here until they were said.

It's like, you know, that's, does. So that's where I'm really conflicted because I don't know if you're just, you're pulling the same bioterrorism bullshit that an in-cell is or if this is actually like, you know, because it's not like, you know, in-cell is, it's such a common phenomenon that you can't, it's not just one person's psychology, right? Well, the thing is with an incal, an incel is projecting all that onto, you know, and they, they hate women or whatever, right? I it's not the case where I'm sitting here like hating everybody I'm I just go about my life I just I have to work a little harder I put it on myself I don't think they put it on themselves they put it on the people right I think insult puts it on the women I'm putting this on myself right that's why I have to constantly give disclaimers that's why I'm constantly adding laughs to end of my jokes I'm taking responsibility realizing if this is how it is I need to maybe work a little harder to get to the

base minimum I'm not putting it on them right if that was the case shit so yeah that makes sense I'm with you. I think that's very adaptive. It's a huge difference. I think it makes you adaptive and makes it healthy. The thing that I still don't want to accept because I care about you and I like you is that it has to be that way at all. I just don't want to accept that. So I don't know. I mean, I think it could be right. But well, if I'm not right, then hey, let me know because I'd love to, you know, I'd love to change it. But let me ask you this. When I change my tone of voice and I'm, you know, accepted in and well received and everyone's cool. How can that be like refuted? Like, how can you explain that phenomenon, I guess? Like, right? Very simply. And this is hard. But the real

question is whether that actually happens. Right. So your perception is that when you change your voice, people treat you in a different way. Oh, for sure. I'll make you VODs. Right. So that's, that's what the incels us for sure. I'll show you all this data about how I was rejected by women because of my jawline. No, because that's made up. That's in their heads. They're being rejected because their insecurity of their jaw line is seeping through them physically and the girls recognizing that, right? There's a difference there. But the whole point is that you have an opinion that you are saying this is reality. You have a particular way of interpreting events that you say is reality. Yeah, but what I'm being told by these group of people, by the leader of them.

So in cells get told too, right? Like the only thing is that they have a cognitive bias that causes them to filter certain kinds of information. And then they believe that reality is a particular way. Let me read this. You know, this is a very awkward situation because there's this whole meme based on some of the things that I preach and say of this in cell stuff. So people are going to eat this the hell up, but they can suck my dick.

But realistically, I'll read you the message so you can see that I'm not projecting or adding some things in there. I will read this out loud to you. You can tell me what you take from it. Okay. Okay. Let me find it. And then you can tell me, give me a suck. I'm not going to tell you from who.

I'll tell you privately. But I mean, I've already said on my stream 100 times. Yeah. So just while we're waiting, I want to echo once again that I, you know, this is, I really could be wrong here. I just don't know. I don't think that this, it just feels. fits the pattern train, but it doesn't feel accurate to me, if that makes sense. Sorry, I zoned our, okay, here we go. Here it is. Here it is. Here it is. Okay. Okay. So,

this individual says, LOL, to be honest, you have an intimidating presence. I thoroughly enjoy playing with you, and I'm always down to play more. The lobby gets upset when people raise their voices even a little. I hope you didn't take a offense. I didn't mean your intimidating presence thing in a bad way at all. That's just that. So that's exactly what I was told to me, right? So this is what's being told to me, right? So either I am mistaken what she just or what this individual just said and I'm delusional like an in cell or this person just explained exactly what I'm trying to explain to you happens. So here's the question. So here's the question. What happens when other people raise their voices?

I don't know. I got to sit in on these people. Because I've heard so much shit about Among Us. I have to just listen to you guys playing this fucking game. Because I haven't done that yet. I'm just curious like what, like I just yeah, dude, I don't know. I don't know that we're going to like I want data. I want my own data.

Well, here's the thing. I don't have an issue with it with it. Right? Like I haven't like changed the way. I treat people. I still do the things that I do. I still do what I believe. I still, you know, do my good stuff.

It's not that, like, I haven't, like, become, what's the word I'm looking for? I haven't become jaded because of this. I haven't become some douchebag and just dismissing everyone. Fuck everybody. Like, not the case. I just, I just recognize it. And I try to just hang around people that know me. And the ones that don't, it is what it is, right?

Like, we'll have a conversation or two. So, like, that's the main difference, I think, right? I think you just wanted to know a little deeper of how it felt. And yeah, it doesn't feel good, but that's just, that's kind of just the way it's been since middle school, high school, right? So this isn't something new I've just realized in the streaming world. It's been like this. Now, I guess you could go as far as saying, well, what's the common denominator in all these you?

So the problem could be you, right? That's a completely logical thing to come to. Right. And I could definitely understand, you know, that. But, you know, over the internet, so when I'm in person, now that I'm over the internet, when I'm being told, like, you have an intimidating presence, I'm not doing anything, right? I'm literally not doing anything. Yeah, yeah.

Does that make any sense? It makes sense. I mean, I guess you could argue that maybe subconsciously some sort of projection or insecurity seeking through and I guess you could argue that, but how could I control that if it's subconscious? That just sounds like psychological bullshit to me. So here's kind of where I am right now. It's like I think, I think train, yeah, I mean, I think you, I like the word intense

more so than intimidating. I like intense too. I used to always take that as a negative thing. But now I just realize it means intense. I think it's sort of like, I think you have a certain charisma too. And it's not, and I kind of think about, do you play D&D? I don't, but I've heard it's very fun. Okay.

So like I sort of think about charisma not necessarily is making you likable, but that you have like a force of personality that can influence other people. right so it's it's not just that you can be it's like you can be intimidating you can be inspiring and like people have different sort of flavors of charisma i like that i like that a lot actually but but i think it's just something about who you are i mean i have it too it's just mine is a different color from yours right and and so so it's been interesting to see what it impact you can have on other people just by virtue of your presence, which is probably an amalgamation of things like the way that you speak, subconscious tendencies, your voice, your appearance. I will admit one thing, Dr. Kay, there's one thing that I think adds to it that I'm in

control of that I'm 100% responsible for. Like, when I think about it, there's one thing that I know I can stop or at least be more attentive to it or be more aware of it. And it's a flaw that makes, if you want to call it a passive worse, and it's my, it's my combativeness. It's my extreme defensiveness. So like if you come at me with something, right, like I'll take it and then I'm coming back, right? It's that. So I think that is actually something that I would have a control over and I do have a control over and I need to work on because I think that actually would add a negative thing to it all, right? Does that make sense? Yeah. Why do you do that. I don't know. I guess it was just a friend. I don't know. The way me and my friend, listen, I had a

fucked up friend group. My friend group, there was no, you know, mature, classy arguments. There was no, you know, disagreeing and moving on. There was no shaking hands. Every single disagreement was a punch to the mouth. It was all fist fights. Probably three, four, five hundred plus fist fights just in the period of like high school within my group of friends and that was my friends and then obviously the high school experience was fucking terrible that was just psychological bullying so like that's just kind of where I am right everything was just kind of a you know you come in me I come at you do you come in right it was just back and forth does that make sense yeah I think that could explain a lot of what we're talking about because like I wonder if that attitude sleeps through even if you don't wait for

people to come at you right you may be signaling to people train that if you come at me, I'm going to come at you. Yeah, 100%. I think that's definitely something that's there. 100%. Yes. I think for sure I give them. Fuck, is that not like relevant to you being intimidating? Because everyone has that. Right now, if I, if I, if I call out, let's say, big dick six, nine, seven, four and say, hey, what's up dickhead? You have a big ass nose. What do the things is going to say? He's going to say, look who's talking. Fucking dome head, big ass head, motherfucker. Right. That's what I'm talking about. We just go back. and forth. But, but I don't know that big ass dick, ass 997 is, is going to, is going to be exuding that

pheromone. Like, pheromone as in like, we're talking like some like crazy shit. We're talking like the shit that like the wild in the kingdom, you know, the female guerrillas are attracted to. I mean, I mean, I'm not, I don't mean literal pheromone. I mean like, like if you have a presence where you're sort of like, ready to throw down, which sounds like it could have been conditioned in you, because that's sort of like where you grew up, right? Like you grew up around... Well, no, I grew up in a very good place. Let's not get that twist. I don't want to sound like I'm from the hood. I'm not. Okay. Your friend group. Like you said you guys got into my friend group. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So, but like, so you were conditioned to be like

on your guard and sort of like let people know that, you know, if you fuck with me, like, I'm going to fuck with you. And I don't think most people like, I don't think I'm, I don't think you know, I think, I don't think I was conditioned the same way. Like, if anything, I'm not going to hurt you. Like, I'm not the type to punch in the face. I don't like that. I just always do headlocks. I get what you're saying.

But what I, like, you're the one who said, hey, I think that this could be something that I do that contributes. And it sounds like to me that it could contribute a lot. Like, I'm agreeing with you. Yeah, I agree. But let's not forget that, like, I'm never really on the attack. I'm the defensive. So like we have to ask why the attack is happening in the first place, right?

Sure. But this definitely isn't a good reaction. My reaction is terrible. So here's what I'm hearing is that like you walk softly and you carry a big stick. That's only six and a half inches, but yeah. Right? Pretty thick, though. And I'm cut.

Okay. But, you know, it's something to think about, train. Like whether whether that sort of readiness is maybe a good way to put it, is part of what contributes to the way that people respond to you. Like there's a certain like readiness and willingness to throw down. Well, I had to. I had to. It was it was it was it was what I needed to be. Right. So what I'm saying is like absolutely. So so it's what you needed to be. And now the real question is how much of an influence does that part that you've carried with you exert on your interactions. And I'm almost wondering whether like the picture, the high school picture is a way to

disarm that. I use the high school picture to disarm everything. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't, listen, I don't think, listen, when I go to a conversation, okay, what do you think this, if you look at the entire way I talk, does that make sense? Or, you know, you know, you know, this is all to try and add a quirkiness, a level of like goofiness, a level of unsureness, uncertainty. Because if I just say, Dr. Kay, this is what it is. How do you think that's going to be perceived? That's going to perceive is cocky, thinks he knows everything.

He's 29 and thinks he's figured out life, right? So you add in a, you know, you know, I mean, does that make any sense? I can't explain, right? You have to add these in there. Otherwise, believe me, whatever's happening now, it's going to be 50 times fucking worse. Does that make any sense? You feel me on that? I want to see the 50 times worse.

I want to see that. Okay. Ask me a question. Tell me about your girlfriend. That's not fucking fair. That's a soft spot. Right? I'm saying, I'm saying, ask like a question.

You know what I'm saying? You can't like, right? I'm not going to say, oh, well, you know, she's a bad bitch. No, like, she's a good girl. She's, you know, a very nice and classy woman. You know, good morals, good ethics. You know, uh, she's just a good person, you know. She has a lot of qualities that I don't have that I wish I had.

And, you know, I see a, you know, version of me in her that I wish one day I could be, I guess. Does that make any sense? Beautiful. Beautiful, bro. Because I think it had your intensity. It had your presence. It had a depth of voice. It was profound. It was intense. And it wasn't. scary. It's devoted. Passionate. You asked about my girlfriend. You've asked asked what my friends. I'm going to tell you like nice. Well, so, but hold on it. Like, I mean, if, if, if, if you asked me to step in the ring and then I throw a punch and then you said nothing below the belt, like, you asked me to

throw a punch and I throw a punch. Because my whole point is that you can be intense. You can be passionate. And it's not scared. It's fucking amazing, dude. It's beautiful. Thank you. You're beautiful. I love that sweater, by the way. I don't mean to break off to do a different topic. That sweater since day one, since I first saw your channel, I don't know if it's just, if it's a tactic psychologist or psychiatrist have. That sweater, I swear in itself is a cure to so much. Like, it's almost as if like this sweater is just, it's trustworthy, it's cozy. I feel like

I'm talking to Sanjay Gupta on CNN. Like, like he always has that like blue sweater on CNN. You know what I'm talking about it? The same blue sweater he has. And then I'm talking to And Dr. K here, I just realized, holy shit, that may have just sounded racist because I said, I feel like I'm talking to Sanja Gupta. I didn't mean that at all. Hope you don't take any offense to that. No. Good.

Good. What I mean is like every like good vibe doctor wears a sweater like that. And that the sweater in itself has to be like some Harry, have you seen in Harry Potter? They give you a little like quilt that makes you invisible. I feel like this is the psychiatry, psychology. quilt that goes over you and it, it's like a magnet of, it draws, I don't know, I lost my my train and thought completely. The point is it's a really nice sweater. I mean, you know, then again, my dad has one of those two. My dad's not a doctor, but he has one of those,

and I really like it. I used to wear it to soccer practice. Anyway, sorry, I went on a whole different road there. Yeah, well, I, you know, I'm glad it turns you on. No, it's just, it's so cozy. I can't explain it entirely. It's just, it's very cozy. I feel safe. I'm with you. I appreciate that. So I also, so the reason I love the sweater. So this, this is, it's a high quality thing. I wore it literally like, you know, five days a week for four years. Or I have a two or three actually. Is that something I give to you in med school? No. Or whatever school you go to? Residency. And the reason is because like, you know, we work in hospitals and hospitals are cold and I'm like a little bit cold blooded. So I would wear it all the time. And I really like it because it's just very, very comfortable and keeps me kind of snug. And there are some studies that suggest that white coats, which is what a lot of doctors wear, actually can make people nervous. So it's sort of like white coat is sort of a symbol of authority. So I steer clear of the white coat.

And a lot of people do nowadays, actually. Yeah. White. Go ahead. Yeah. So a lot of doctors wear fewer white coat. coats and a lot of nurse practitioners and physician assistants are wearing more white coats. Yeah, white coats are like, I feel like I've been abducted by aliens and they're

to inly probe me. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. That sweater feels like I've come to your house and you're ready like you've opened your mind up to me. It seems like we're on a more human, you know, level rather than like an objective specimen level. Does that make sense? Yeah, I'm glad you feel that way. I, you know, I just wear it because it's comfy and, you know, Hmm. Wow. Sorry, sorry, we went off on that tangent. I just kind of, that sweater, since, since day one that you've come on Twitch, I've been telling myself about that sweater. I just had to say something. Okay. That's it. Okay. Thanks for sharing. Thanks for listening. Thanks for, thanks for listening. Yeah, so are we at a good stopping point for today? I guess we are. You know what's crazy? The last three

sessions we've stopped so the next session we can get into the drug use days and we always talk about some some some small little avenue that ends up being this huge topic that we never intended for and then we never get to the crazy days of craving chaos right in between high school and college you know finding the you know the identity finding yourself what helped me come back and cold turkey and you know not go to any rehabs or you know reliance of boxing or anything and do it full cold turkey. Like what, you know, gave me that strength? You know, I want to go into these things because I understand that you're a, like, addiction psychiatrist, right? I may have missed this, but I didn't realize you had a period of extended drug use. Oh, yeah, heroin. I've used

meth before, you know, percocet, oxycodone. That was like probably two years, two, three years in my life. Crazy. Wow, that's rough, man. Yeah, it was nuts. Yeah, more than, you know, if you want to talk about that. Want to know what's crazy too? Want to know what's insane. It was while I was in school getting both of my degrees. And I still maintain my grades, maintain my office hours while doing this in between. It was some crazy shit. And the two people I did it with that got me into it are both doctors today. And they were literally pre-med. And I remember, like, they had a study for their O-CAM and their P-CAM. And they were just nonstop in the office hours, just doing all the extra work with the professor. Because, you know, if you go to

office hours, they increase a grade like 2, 3 percent at the end, even if you don't deserve it. So like, it was just an insane fucking, some shit I have a movie. But you should never do those drugs. Don't ever do those drugs. Terrible fucking drugs. Not even once. I'll explain next time why not even once. I have this theory on what not even once means.

It's not even about, it's not even about the effect of it to you. It's about once you make that your new base, once you normalize the usage of it, the next time you're extremely sad, the next time you're extremely broken and vulnerable, the next time you want an escape, it's no longer let me go have a drink. now the normal base is that. That's what you've opened up to because it's so normalized to. That's what I think not even once is. It's some crazy shit.

Does that make any sense? I could be totally bad shit. I guess this is your avenue. No, no. I mean, I think it does it make sense? Sort of because I think it's like the first half of a thought to me. You know, I'm really curious about what else you have to say. And to add context and depth and flavor to what you just shared.

You know, it's sort of like sharing like you're sharing with me, E equals MC squared. And you're saying, does it make sense? And it's like, I can tell that that's a monumental equation, but I don't quite understand it. Pretty much, I don't think people explain what don't, not even once means. I don't think people really explain that accurately. They just try to scare the hell out of you. And, yeah, next time we can talk about it. Yeah.

I mean, next time I think is good. Let's just open. Yeah, I'll put that next time. to open a can of worms with with small things so yeah but real quick i want to make make sure i reiterate this don't do drugs don't do any of those drugs don't do any drugs okay i'd even go as far a people are going to hate me for this i even go as far as saying marijuana's gateway drug i'd even go as far as that i'm telling you shit's fucking crazy but you know i think it has its good uses don't get wrong medicinally i think you know if you're going through like some treatment like cancer

stuff like that i think it's it's a good avenue right you know but i think i even you know i would I don't know. That's, I have my opinions. People are up to get upset about that. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. I mean, I'd echo as well.

Yeah. I think drugs are bad kids. Yeah. But, okay. So, train, do you feel like meditating today? Of course. Let's do it. Sorry, I'm literally like, I slept two days straight.

My body needed it because like I was just like putting so much work into streaming. And I ended up waking up like yesterday at like 7 p.m. So right now, so like, like, I streamed and I tried going to bed, but I realized I suffered two days. I couldn't. So I stuff for like two hours. So I'm kind of like wired off of the tea and no sleep. I feel like no sleep is more energizing temporarily than caffeine. It's crazy. Does that make any sense? Yeah. I mean, that's actually especially scary if you have any history of bipolar disorder. Bipolar. Yeah. And so. Yeah, yeah, I know. So you got to be careful. I, I, I,

I don't really know. We don't need to get into that. But one thing that I say to all of my patients who have bipolar disorder is that sleep is medicine and is the most important medicine. So, you know, I'd say if you feel a little bit energized, sometimes people can kind of get a second wind, things like that, but you want to be really, really careful. It's a second one. It's not a manic thing.

It's definitely a second wind because, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if you slept for two days and then you woke up and, you know, it sounds like you've been up for about 16 hours with a nap. in the middle of the night. I took a two-hour little nap, then I'll probably do another nap before today's stream. I found this really, I found this really good show called Repair Shop.

Have you heard of it? Mm-mm. Very cozy. Anyways, continue. Let's do this meditation. Okay, so let me just think about what kind of meditation. Have I taught you own chanting? No, you haven't actually.

I'm actually interested. So speaking of, you know, things that will be deep and resonant. So I think, train, I'd like to teach you chanting. because I'm kind of curious what would happen if you did it for a little while. So, Ome chanting. We're going to start with Ome chanting. And Ome is composed of three syllables.

Ah, ooh, and um. Okay. So what we're going to do is it's going to be, so I'll demonstrate one round. So I'm going to start with making an ah sound, and then we're going to go into ooh. Should I crisscross, apple sauce? If you can, yeah.

So the main, most important thing is that your back is straight. So more important than crisscross apples. is I take your elbows off of your armrests. There we go. And so sit up straight. And then if your knees are lower than your hips, that's ideal. If you're doing crisscross applesauce. Oftentimes your knees will be above your hips.

And then you'll slouch forward. Yeah, I put them down. I realized that was way too bold of a move. I'm not too flexible. I need to do some yoga. So what we're going to do, actually, let me think for a second. Yeah. Okay.

We'll do I'm chanting. Okay. So big deep breath. Oh, you're demonstrating. I'm so stupid. I'm so sorry. It's all good, man. I didn't realize that you're demonstrating for me.

I thought it was just to follow you. That's fine. It's okay. Oh, it's fine. It's okay. Sorry, I just realized that it was, really, it's not a problem. So a couple of things to note. One is it's over the course of one breath.

Good job, train. Over the course of one breath. Second thing is that what I want you to focus on is vibration. not sound. Third thing is keep your mouth nice and open. Okay, so,

ah, okay. So now sit up straight. Sit up straight, sorry. Yeah. Oh, sorry. Here we go. And then,

so we're going to do one together. Okay, so deep breath in. Ah. Good. So the push, yeah, the push the talk's messing with me. Yeah, it's okay. So sit up.

straight. Don't slouch between rounds. Right. So stay anchored. And now we're going to do three rounds. Okay. So it's going to be deep breath. A, uh, um, brief period of silence afterward before we take the next deep breath. We'll do three rounds and then we'll sit in silence for a little bit and just feel the, um, sort of the aftermath of the vibration after we're done with our three rounds. Okay. Okay. And then we'll sit silently with our eyes closed for maybe about 60 seconds. And then I'll prompt you when we kind of come back, okay? Is it possible to take push to talk off and try it once?

Because when it freezes, I feel like you've gone. I'm going to just, we're going to do push to. I'm going to keep push to talk on, but I'm going to just leave it. I'm going to leave my hand on the finger. Okay. Okay. So let's begin. So deep breath in.

We're going to do two more. A lot of power train. Give me everything you got. Deep breath in. Oh. Beautiful. One more time. That is so calming.

I was so wired a second ago and I'm just like, I'm like balanced now. I have a meeting in like 30 minutes. That's crazy. Good. What does that do? Like, am I just exerting a certain energy that's just kind of that I'm like, like, is that is that excess energy that I'm like exhausting into the planet? Is that like what's making me feel calm?

part of it. So Oam chanting does that. See, that was a good breath right there at the end. Just letting it out, right? Yeah. So it does several things. So one is it does should-dee. Should-Di is cleansing.

So I think that's where you were. So you were a lot of excess energy, excess thoughts, focusing your mind on one thing, letting those things go, kind of grounding. The other thing that it does is so it does should-de,

which is cleansing, it does like the generation of shakti, which is energy. So it's kind of like stoking the fire within you. And if you think about fire, like fire burns away impurities and also like, you know, gets hot. And then the last thing is that the post-chanting phase, so Om chanting actually has four parts.

And the fourth part is actually the post-chanting silence. when you stop breathing. So I don't know if you notice this, but after the long breath, you'll kind of have a deep breath in, and then you'll be like not breathe for like 15, 20, maybe even 30 seconds. And it's that period of stillness

where the real money is. But yeah, it certainly is cleansing, putting off excess energy. It also creates vibration. And I don't know if this makes sense, but vibration gets things flowing. No, it does make sense. So it's sort of, you know, chanting is a really good practice.

There's a reason why om chanting is central. It's like a spiritual massage. Yeah, it's a great way to put it. Yeah, it's like a chakra massage. Yeah. Cool. Well, good luck on your video, man. Yeah, you're very welcome.

Thank you so much for coming on and being so authentic, train. Thank you for, you know, um, listening. and thank you for being great and amazing. And if you ever need anything, you let me know. You know what I'm saying? I got you. Thanks a lot. So one thing speaking, I know you've been a big support of the stream.

I just wanted to let you know that, you know, our coaching program, which I know you made a sizable donation to support is actually going really well. We're planning on sending like, you know, all the people who made big donations, actually like a quick one pager about our outcomes. but the short answer is that, you know, because of your support train, we've been able to help. I'm just trying to remember exactly how much you donated, but probably... And that's ongoing, right? So I can, like, keep donating?

Like, I can just keep doing it up. Yeah. Is it like an ongoing thing? I'm not fishing for a donation, but yes. Oh, I know. I know you're not. I just, yeah, no, you're good. Quite the opposite.

What I'm trying to do is express appreciation and actually, like, it's really helping a lot of people. and are, you know, I have to be hesitant about saying things like this because it's not really a medical treatment, but we're seeing substantial reductions in depression and anxiety. Like people who come in with moderate to severe depression after about 12 to 16 weeks will be like more in the mild to moderate range. And this, you guys have to take this with a grain of salt. But the effect size is actually quite similar, maybe a little bit weaker than, 10 to 20% weaker than Prozac in terms of reducing depressive symptoms. So I'm really grateful for your support because it really is like helping people. So we're going to send you guys a quick one-pager

that sort of shows our outcomes and stuff. This is it. This right here is enough for me. And I'm going to keep doing, you know, keep helping. I just love these. These conversations are absolutely amazing. And it's food for my brain. You know, I haven't, you know, you know, they say if you don't use it, you lose it, right? And I haven't used this thing, probably since college. So when I talk to you, it's kind of, you know, it's reopening doors of, you know, the logical thinking styles, right? I mean, not so much what we talk about, just kind of the way we go on, I don't know, whatever. Thank you. I don't know. When I talk to you, you seem well practiced at this stuff. You don't seem rusty to me at all. So if this is rusty, man, you must be a force to be reckoned with when you're kind of tuned up.

So that's awesome, man. Yeah. Good luck with your meetings, okay? Thank you. Let's talk again soon. Happy holidays and happy new year. Likewise. So next time, let's talk about drug use. I'm just going to ask you about drug use next time. Okay. Let's do it. Okay. All right. Take care, man. Bye. All right. Love you. Bye.