HealthyGamerGG - What if I’m not the Main Character

Episode Date: August 3, 2022

Dr. K dives into being the main character and feeling proud, feeling shame, managing expectations and more! Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's sort of like you can't learn the right way to feel because no matter what happens, you're being given the same feedback. So your mind has not learned how to sort of differentiate between like pride and shame. Yeah, the topic is really just what I want to improve on. What do I want to approve on? Welcome, friend. Thank you. And what do you go by? I go by Josh underscore OW on Discord, but I mainly just go by Josh. Okay. So Josh, what do you want to improve on? Well, I want to improve on feeling proud of myself.

Because whenever I work hard and do everything I can to work towards something and succeed, I just, I don't feel proud of myself or my accomplishments or the effort that I even put in to getting the end result. And so I thought that I thought that maybe I would someday just like wake up and feel happy and just ecstatic and credible about knowing that I put in so much work and effort to accomplish something that mattered, but it just doesn't end up that way, whether I succeed or fail, and it just kind of feels tempting me. Wow, that sounds tough, dude. So let me just make sure I'm hearing you correctly. So it sounds like you do put in effort, you work hard, and you don't always succeed, but sometimes you succeed. Yeah. And you're trying to figure out, and so help me understand how do you feel about yourself

when you do succeed. Well, I guess, I don't know. Maybe whenever I succeed, because I actually managed to go out for runs and exercises sometimes and even to my homework because I'm in college and all that. But even when I succeed and do all that, I guess I just kind of feel maybe it's more so content. I'm just like, okay, well, I guess I got that done.

That's good. just don't have to like stress about the rest of my day knowing that I did something I guess that was productive but I don't really feel ecstatic about it I see just kind of so what I'm hearing is that you kind of feel real maybe relieved like you don't have to worry about that anymore but you don't feel any sense of pride yeah do you think what you've accomplished is noteworthy I think I think it is been noteworthy, yeah, because I mean, it's like I'm regularly working out, right? And I even go out for runs often. And that just has actually been kind of enjoyable to do just the process.

And it feels like, I don't know, I feel less stressed out during my days as a result. and then I'm able to have better control over doing the things that I know it need to do, but it just kind of, I don't know. It just doesn't feel like a big giant hallmark like I sometimes wish it would. As in, oh, yeah, now I'm moving forward in my life. Now I'm doing it. I'm on the grind. It just doesn't feel maybe euphoric or as amazing as I thought it would be.

Yeah, so I'm almost hearing that when you, I, Okay, let me make a couple of assumptions here, Josh, and you let me know if these are accurate. So the first is that prior to working out consistently, you sort of had this idea that if you started working out consistently, you would like feel really good about yourself. You're like, yeah, I'm doing it. Yeah. And now that you're doing it, you don't really feel the pride that you were expecting. No. Do you feel proud about anything?

that's I've been I've been thinking about that question a little bit but I wonder if I ever felt any sort of pride in my life at all I mean I don't know if it's anything like pride but when it any whenever that comes to mind all I can think about are the times where I was part of something that I had to do with a whole group of people that I had to get to know like there was a time when I was in baseball and I was in junior leagues for that and I just felt so I guess I felt so alive whenever I was just with my teammates and I got to bond with them and practice with them and do scrimmages. And that just felt really, it just felt really invigorating. Like that was just a part of my life that I've been missing all along was like camaraderie.

But I guess I felt pride. Maybe I did feel pride more so just in what I was able to accomplish. in terms of what my team accomplished, but not me. Because it wasn't about me. I just felt pride, I guess, maybe towards my team and the things that we were able to do and how far we were able to go. Things like that. Okay. So I'm hearing that the only thing that you were able to take pride in was something that was a team effort.

And even when you talk about the team effort, you almost purposely exclude yourself as a contributor. Yeah, and the only time that I ever considered being a big part of that whole process was when they directly actually, because we had a championship game like at the very end of our league and we ended up losing it like horrifically. He just got absolutely destroyed. But then we had a party or get together afterwards to celebrate how far we came. And they gave me a whole trophy for just. for how much I meant to them, for how much I meant to the team. And it's called the Heart Award, right? It's like a whole acronym about, like, having heart, endurance, attitude, respect, and team.

And I just, and they gave it to me last out of everyone else's trophies. And I remember that because I was like, man, I feel so appreciated, you know, because they, because my efforts, my attitude actually meant something, you know, and it made a positive impact in their lives. And they really, that was the heart and soul of the team. And knowing that, like, I never felt that way during the season, but it was only at that moment afterwards when they gave me that award that I just, I felt like I was just really, really happy.

I was just, it just felt amazing. Wow. How are you feeling sharing this story? I mean, I'm just recalling, like, that moment. I mean, I just feel, I don't know, I just feel like, it just feels like bliss or happiness because then it just calls back to all the, all the highs and lows that we've been through together and the things that we've done and just what we said and did and just what we went through and just how that all culminated into that moment where I got that trophy,

it felt like it was worth it. It felt like that I, that it was deserved. earned and that just felt like that was the proper ending to an amazing story I guess. Sounds boss, dude. Sure it was. Absolutely boss. So let me ask you something when Josh Dee, can you tell me a little bit about your upbringing? Yeah, of course. So generally, the way I understand it now is I was kind of brought up.

as a and treated as sort of a special or gifted kid, right? So I just grew up with me, my mom, my biological parents, of course, and one older brother. And I've always just been kind of an introverted, kind of shy, but kind of kind kid, you know. And then I grew up, because the years that went on, my parents and teachers and teachers. other older adults or peers of mine would be like, man, Josh, you're just such a kind and smart kid. Like, you're going to be able to do great things, man. And then, and then that just kept going on and on for years until especially I got into like junior high or high school when it felt like it was more of an insidious thing to me because I felt like my parents and all the

other peers and adults that around me telling me these great things, it just felt like I had to be the chosen one, right? I felt like I was like Anakin Skywalker, okay? And I had to be the one to be able to save the world and bring balance and just do all these great things because I was just so great unlike anyone else, like the avatar. And I just, it felt like I had to just be there. guy and whenever i faced struggles and was human and failed and fell fly on my face it just those times just absolutely decimated me mentally because i felt like i had to keep i had to keep people um to believe keep people believing that i was the guy that i was the chosen one and then when i wasn't i and i failed then i was just who was i at that point i'm just some loser

going through high school, doesn't know what they're doing with their life. Okay. So it's... And then I just... It sounds like you've been carrying around a lot of expectation. Yeah. Now, so when you did well,

what did your mom, parents, say, teachers say? Like, let's say, like, you're eight years old and you get an A on a test. How do they respond? I mean, pretty much the same way. They're like, oh, wow, Josh.

Like, you made an A on a test. on the test like, man, you're so freaking good at like math or whatever. Like, you're just like, I'm so proud of you. I love you, man. And then I'm like, thanks. And I guess. How would you feel? Well, I would just feel like, oh, yeah, I guess I got 100 on it.

Like, I guess that's something. And it's, yeah, whatever. Okay. Okay. Okay. Can I think first. Josh? Yeah, go ahead. Do you know how to feel pride? I'm pretty sure I don't. How do you understand that? Probably because I never had an experience where I personally within my being feel and

recognize what pride is even like, especially myself. I just, it's just kind of like a foreign entity to me, I guess. Yeah, so let's try to understand this, okay? So here's, so let's start with this idea of being gifted. So what I'm kind of noticing is that like, let's say getting a hundred on a test is something that many people would be proud of, whereas what I'm noticing is that like, because you were kind of gifted, there was an expectation that you would do well. So even if you get a hundred on the test, that's not something to be proud of. That's like baseline. Does that make sense? Yeah. So it's like it kind of like is tricky because if we expect you to get 100, the most you can do is meet expectations. Sometimes you're going to fall

short of expectations, but you can't really exceed expectations. And when we really think about like what are we proud of, we're not proud of doing average. We're proud of doing exceptional. But if your expectations are so high, how can you ever be? exceptional. Yeah. Does that... I would like to add... I would like to add something

to that I think is really important as well. You don't mind? That, um, whenever that complex became more of a thing whenever I was growing up in high school and junior high, like even when I would fail, like my parents especially would be like, well, yeah, no worries, man. Like, you failed. You can try again and you can do better.

And even whenever they gave me that kind of feedback and just kind of, was too late and it's cemented in my mind where I thought to myself, I put it on myself where I was like, no, I need to be better. Like, I need to be a chosen gifted one, right? Even if everyone else says so, I don't, I don't think so. How did you feel when they said that? I don't know. I just maybe it depended on the situation, but either I was kind of like, yeah, I guess I failed,

it's whatever, or I was just absolutely devastated it. and I beat myself up. And when your parents said, it's okay, you can try again later. How did that make you feel? Just make me feel like an absolute, like a failure. So it's kind of interesting, right? Because your parents are saying things that should be encouraging. But what effect does it have on you?

Not a positive one. Yeah, like how do you understand that? Like, so, okay, your kid does poorly, right? So you're a parent and you say, it's okay, you can try again. how do you understand like how does that make a child feel worse you know that's a good question i i'm not really sure i even have the answer to that is that how you felt well yeah it was okay yeah so i i think it's kind of weird so josh i i think there's i think we can sort of sort this out first of all um sorry i i don't mean to laugh because your your situation is serious but

I think that there's like a couple of interesting things going on. And I think a lot of it has to do with expectation. So oftentimes as gifted kids, when you grow up, like you're given all these expectations, right? And you internalize these expectations. Like I'm supposed to do really well. And it's kind of weird, but oddly enough, your parents were dismissive of your shame. Does that make sense? Yeah.

Does that feel accurate to you? I think so. Because they never really, yeah. Right. So I know it sounds kind of weird because when we think about parents, we think about like, oh, like, isn't dismissing shame a bad thing? I mean, isn't it a good thing? Like, don't we like not want, like, if our kid does poorly, like, don't I want to encourage him and like help him not feel shame anymore? So the interesting thing there is I'm sort of noticing that like in your upbringing,

you were kind of like not allowed the range of success. Right? So even when you failed, they sort of dismissed that. And then like even when you succeeded, that was sort of expected. So I'm sort of noticing that I almost think about shame and pride as two sides of the same coin. Like in order to be ashamed of something, like, you know, you can be proud of the same things that you could be ashamed of. If you did well, like you can maybe be proud of that. If you did poorly, like you can feel ashamed of that.

Does that make sense? Yeah. They're like kind of like the same, like on the same spectrum, but just at opposite ends of the spectrum, like shame and pride with me. So the really interesting thing here is that I think it's, it's kind of interesting that they dismissed your shame and they tried to like help you feel better about yourself. But somewhere along the way, I think they just sort of like started communicating on a level that you were just not on.

Like I don't mean that they were above you or below you. I just mean that y'all were like operating on different wavelengths. in terms of like achievement and lack of achievement. Does that make sense? Yeah. And I imagine it's actually quite confusing for a child to grow up in that situation. So like, let me just put it to you this way. Like if I do poorly on a test and my parents are like, it's okay, there's no problem

with that. You should do, you'll be fine because you're so smart. It's kind of weird because what they're telling me doesn't actually mirror like reality, right? like if I did poorly, like they're not saying, hey, you did poorly. You know, you should really like think about trying better next time or like, let's think about what you could have done better. Does that make sense? Like, they're not saying that.

They're sort of like, like, even when you do poorly, they're not like validating the fact that you did poorly. Is that fair? Yeah. I mean, it's just kind of swept to the wayside. Exactly. Right. And then even in periods of time when you could be.

when you should be proud, proud, right? And your parents are like, they're giving you positive feedback. But like the thing is, you have high expectations on yourself. And also the feedback they give you when you're doing well. And the feedback they give you when you're doing poorly actually seems kind of the same.

Does that make sense? Yeah, pretty much. Right? And so like, I don't know if this is kind of if I'm making sense here, but it's sort of weird because like as a child, if they're saying,

oh, you're so smart. everything will be fine when you do well. And oh, you're so smart, everything will be fine when you do poorly. It's like how does that child learn what to be proud of and what to be ashamed of? Does that make sense? Yeah, it's just confusing. You get the same thing either way. Exactly.

Right? It's confusing. Like you're getting the same thing everywhere. And so what I think may have actually happened is like, I don't know that you were like, you know how to feel proud. I mean, you do when we'll get there in a second. But the first thing that I want to share with you is I don't think that this is like, it's sort of like you can't learn the right way to feel because no matter what happens,

you're being given the same feedback. So your mind has not learned how to sort of differentiate between like pride and shame. Does that, I mean, I hear that you know how to feel shame and you know how to feel pride. So like, but is this sort of resonating with you or you think I'm kind of like in the wrong ballpark? I think that's actually pretty accurate. So what I'm sort of hearing from you is that, like, you don't know how to feel pride. And I know it sounds kind of weird because normally we're actually taught how to feel pride. And a key thing about how to feel proud is, like, even if I'm going to kind of give you an example, which is like, let's say that I'm an overly optimistic,

protective parent. Like, I'm a helicopter parent who thinks that my child is Jesus Christ reincarnated. Plus, the spirituality of Jesus Christ with the mind of Stephen Hawking and the physical form of, let's say, Michael Phelps. Okay, if you know who those people are. Right? So it's like, I have the Uber child, the most amazing child in the world. And I am constantly telling that child, you're amazing, you're amazing, you're perfect, you're perfect, you're amazing, you're just the best thing ever. How do you think that child feels about themselves? I mean, they'd be like, yeah, that's just my bottom line. Like, yeah, I guess I'm just amazing.

Right. So like, like they're going to grow up sort of feeling amazing about themselves. But if you really like think about those kids, they actually have like very, they're like very insecure. Right. I don't know if you've known kids like this, but like kids who are grown up, grow up in a situation where their parents are like overly, overly overly. supportive, they're like very easily threatened and like become insecure very easily. Oftentimes they'll grow up as bullies. I don't know if you've had like any, is this kind of make it, have you known people like that? Maybe you are someone like that. But and it's sort of like the just

providing overwhelming positive feedback without any kind of like negative correction does not raise like a healthy amount of pride and self-confidence in a child. It raises things like arrogance. And underneath the arrogance is insecurity. Like, my point here is that when children aren't given both sides of the coin, and I think that's what sort of happened with you, you sort of like, I don't get the sense that you even know what to be proud of. Because you have, like, such high expectations of yourself. And, like, people haven't, oddly enough even validated when you did poorly. And this sort of results in something that's kind of interesting, which is, Why do you think you felt so much pride by getting the heart trophy?

Because whenever I was with that team and it's a whole sport where you have to rely on your teammates. You can't just do everything yourself. And then whenever an outside party like that and people you get to know and trust just openly just accept you for who you are and then reward you for that, and it just felt amazing because I was accepted. And they know that I failed as well because we all did. Like we were all there together. And no matter what, like we still stuck together as a team. And that couldn't be said.

I even remember that couldn't be said for most teams that were in that same league at the time. Like even my best friend's like mom who was, my best friend was also in baseball at the time doing the same thing. Like even his team apparently didn't have that kind of, like, like bond or synergy that my team had. So I think there are a couple of other important elements there, right? So one is, as you mentioned, the acceptance, the acceptance despite the failure. So this is kind of interesting because that kind of sidesteps expectation.

Does that make sense? Like, because your mind has come to accept, I mean, expect particular things. And so when you get praised for something. And the other thing is like, you haven't been praised your entire life for being. the heart and soul of other people. You've been praised for being gifted. And so, like, what does it like to get praise in an area where you didn't think that's something you were capable of?

Does that make sense? No. Yeah. So, because what I'm noticing is that what really feels very like what you take can take pride in is actually things that were free from your expectations. It's when other human beings saw value in you in a way that you did not expect value. you from yourself. No.

Definitely. So do you have any thoughts about how to approach this? You know, and I have to preface, I really do love healthy gamer and I've watched so many of their Vodin's streams. It's a wonderful place.

But what would come to mind for me, I don't know, is just somehow free myself from those kinds of expectations. But I don't, really know how to apply something like that to my situation. It just makes perfect sense. I think it's challenging. I think you've got the right answer, but, and we're going to help you with the how.

Okay. So the first thing is that, as you mentioned, so I think a lot of this has to do with expectations because the problem is the expectations you put on yourself make it so that you've got two options. You can, you know, where perfection is the bare minimum, right, which is like, how can you ever feel proud if perfection gets you sort of a bare minimum pat on the back. And then you can also fall short. So there are a couple of different things. I think what we can try to do is rectify a lot of like what you've missed out on. So interestingly enough, the first thing that we could try to do

is have a place that validates your shame. I know it sounds kind of weird, right? So like practically talking to finding some kind of friend or I don't know if you're in mental health treatment or you're working with a coach or whatever, but like, I think, I know it sounds kind of weird, but like, I think one thing that's missing here is that if we kind of assume that this is like, your brain doesn't really know what pride feels like, I think a key part of that is in helping validate actually when you do poorly. The interesting thing is that when we validate, okay, Josh, you didn't do a great job here, and you really could do better. And I want you to work like extra hard if you're willing to and then like give it another shot.

If someone said that to you and you actually gave it another shot and you succeeded, how do you think you would feel about yourself? I think I may actually feel more pride of myself. 100%. Right? And why is that? Because they knew what I went through and failures that I had experienced in order to eventually try again and then succeed.

Absolutely, right? Because then your effort means something. Like before when they're like, oh, you'll get it. Like, no big deal. Oh, it's fine. You got this. Easy. Easy clap.

And then it's like, even if you work your ass off, it's like they expected it to be easy for you. So there's no acknowledgement of your effort. And so like, if there's no acknowledgement of your effort, if no one else recognizes the effort that you're putting in, you're putting in all this effort and everyone else is like, by the way, this should be easy, bro, because you're so gifted. Then when you succeed, it's like, what am I supposed to, it took, it was so hard for me to accomplish what everyone else is saying is easy. How on earth am I supposed to take pride in this? Tell me. I can't. Absolutely. You work out every day. Or you work out a lot, consistently, you said. You go running. Yeah. Is this an achievement?

is just kind of like, eh, like that cool. Is it hard for you to do that? Well, yeah, just force myself to get out and do something instead of like playing games or whatever. Like, it's not an easy thing to do. Okay. So like that's what I want you to focus on, right? So I know it sounds kind of weird, but validate. You can start by validating how hard some of these things are for you.

You can validate how a year ago or two years ago, like, you know, you weren't doing this every day. So that's number one. Second thing is if you want to let go of expectations, I think, especially if you can do this in the community, I think you've got to open yourself up to feedback in dimensions that you're not gifted. Now, this can be a little bit tricky, but like, I don't know, like, I think heart and soul is beautiful because it's like the kind of thing that you didn't expect from yourself, right?

So one thing is you can let go of your expectations. We'll get to that in a second. Or what you can do is start operating in your areas in areas where your expectations don't apply. Does that make sense? Yeah. So like that's a little bit tricky. Like what is that? And that's where I'd say like if you've been, if you're viewing yourself as a gifted kid,

then I would, I really do stuff that's like a little bit more like volunteer oriented or charitable. Because I think those are the kinds of places where I'm not hearing that someone said that, you know, you are an amazing human being all the time and all this kind of stuff. So I'd say that like you don't have to let go of your expectations. You can just operate in places outside of them. And we already have evidence of that, right? So we know that when there's a community endeavor where people can value you, like in a way that you don't necessarily value yourself, that's what's going to make you feel proud. Does that make sense?

Yeah, because they're not, they wouldn't be expecting that for me. And more importantly, you're not expecting it from you. Yeah. Right? That too. So, so like operate in places that are free from expectation. So I'd say very, very concretely, if it's community oriented, I think that's ideal. If you're, it sounds like you're in college.

So like I think if you want to do some volunteer work or something like that, like go work at a homeless shelter, go work at an animal shelter, like go and do something where you're just trying to make the world a better place. Like you're just going to go and try to like help people that you can. care about. And I think that would actually hopefully help. But that's kind of tricky because you have to like, don't go in with too much expectation. Does that make sense? Yeah. So you got to be a little bit careful. And then the last thing in terms of letting go of expectation, I think that's where you really have to like probably do some more

deeper work. So I'd say like start with number one and number two, which is pretty easy, which is like first of all, have people validate your struggles or even your shame, right? So so that's going to be really, really important. And then the cool thing is, if they can validate your struggles and your shame, like, then you can feel proud. Like, it's kind of weird. Second thing is do some community. Community isn't have groups of people.

And then also something that, like, you're not expecting a lot from yourself. So I would not suggest that you go and, maybe you can. Maybe something like if you're like a math tutor. But, like, you know, try to steer clear of, like, intellectual activities where, just ask yourself, if I did a good job at this, would that be the bare minimum? Like, is that what I expect? Or could I actually take pride in this? Kind of just ask yourself, right? Like, do I view myself as gifted in this way? And if the answer is no, then you should move towards that activity. The tricky thing here that you've got to watch out for is that oftentimes gifted kids avoid the things that they're not gifted in. Does that make sense? Yeah. Can you explain it a little bit or how you understand it? Well, you know, because if I like on some consciousness or unconscious level, just understand that I look at something and think, oh, man, I'm really going to suck at that. Like, I don't want to do that because I'm going to suck at it. And I don't want to be viewed as or view myself as being a loser in that.

Perfect. Perfect. Right. So that's where I think the antidote there is that, you know, the reason that you're volunteering, let's say, is not, you don't really care about. I mean, you will care. a part of your mind, your ego will care about how you're perceived, but you're going to go there to, like, try to make another human being's life a little bit better for, like, one day at a time. Does that kind of make sense?

So I want you to kind of let go of yourself a little bit and, like, go and do something that you can take pride in, but you're really there to help someone else. It's not really about yourself image. So that's going to be, like, one tip that you can sort of use to try to do things outside of your comfort zone. And then the last thing is letting go of expectations, which is where I think, like, I think, like I mentioned, you need to do a little bit of deeper work where you've really got to start to ask yourself, you know, like, when did I start to view myself as gifted? What impact has it

had on me, you know, potentially even have a conversation with your parents about, you know, how, like, actually you've struggled a fair amount. And, like, it's been hard for you to hear that everything is going to be okay, because sometimes things actually weren't okay. Right? And, like, what I'm really hearing from you is that lots of people told you that things were going to be okay when actually you were struggling. And that sounds incredibly isolating to me. That sounds to me like you really were not seen at all. And in fact, what was happening is people were conjuring an image of what they thought you to be instead of actually seeing who you are. How does that sit with you? Yeah. I think that makes, yeah, I think that makes, yeah, I think that

perfect sense. Yeah. And so the way to let go of expectations is to really sit with, you know, Josh, what is the image of you and who are you? And if you're open, we can give that a stab now, but, you know, I'm not expecting a whole lot because it's a complicated question. Usually this is the kind of question that I would ask after someone had done weeks or months of work.

But do you want to try answering that now or you want to just sort of work on that kind of on your own. Oh, I'm absolutely down to it now. So let me ask you, what is the image of Josh? Well, I guess Josh is just some dude that's out there somehow trying to make, or that wants to somehow try and make a world a better place, I guess. Is that the image that other people see? Nope.

What do other people see? I guess they're more like, oh, yeah, it's just some other dude named. Josh. Like, I guess he's, he seems like he might know what he's doing. He seems like a pretty insightful or smart guy. Yeah. Okay. So when they look at you, they see someone who's insightful, capable?

Yeah. Does this Josh, when they see a great, this is hopefully a good example, when they see Josh working out consistently, do they think that Josh struggles to work out or do they think he's highly motivated? Well, they would probably think that I'm just disciplined. I'm just, it's easy. Right? So the image of Josh is insightful, capable, disciplined, gifted.

And what is it like to actually be Josh? It's like, oh, man, I really want to play Overwatch. But, man, I got homework to do. It's that. Let's do it like 12. All right, I guess I'll go and do problems with something. Josh. Josh, are you smiling right now?

Yeah, because that's actually my situation right now. And how does it feel? I got work to do, and I'm eventually going to do it. How does it feel to be that person? It just feels kind of funny to think that I'm like a balloon, like a bumbling buffoon, just being like, oh, I'm stop it, no, got to get to the, okay, let's get to the work. You know, I'm just bumbling around until I get to where I need to go. Yeah.

Right? And so let me ask you, who deserves to take more pride? The bumbling balloon who like struggles with themselves and eventually floats in the right direction, right? Bounces themselves towards working out and doing homework and stuff like that. Or someone who's like, oh, Josh, this new fragrance by Josh makes you insightful, capable, disciplined. Yeah, no, definitely the balloon guy. Because he's just trolling, you know? Like, he doesn't care.

So, I mean, hopefully that helps you some, but I think that just like sit with those two images and recognize that like, actually, you may not be as gifted as you think you are. And bizarrely, that may mean that you can take pride in what you've accomplished because the truth of the matter is that your life, like, even though you have certain advantages, and we're not saying that you don't have advantages, there are like genuine things that you start. with, right? And consistently working out means fighting a thousand small battles with yourself and winning at those small battles. But man, like each inch of territory that you gain when fighting against yourself, like each inch you've paid for with sweat and blood and tears and Overwatch rating. What do you think? Yeah, I think that it's like not only do I work out, Like, I even, like, practice, like, some yoga in the morning. Like, I get up at 4.30.

I go to sleep at, like, 6, 7, wake up. And then immediately after I do that, I meditate and then study my class, you know, so I can get ahead and know what I'm doing. Even then, like, sometimes just doesn't, those accomplishments don't really compound. How do you feel about waking up at 4.30 in the morning? How does it actually, let me ask this. How does it feel to wake up at 4.30 in the morning? do yoga start studying?

Well, it kind of sucks. Yeah, man. Tell me about it. Like, I just want to sleep and I look at my clock on my phone. Like, oh, it's 4.32. Or I guess I'll get out of bed. So otherwise, I'm not going to get food or whatever. I'm like, okay, let's do it.

Yeah. Dude, it sounds hard. It sounds like you're trying to force yourself into building a better life for yourself. Yeah. definitely because like before this is a little personal but it's not too graphic or anything

like my my grandpa recently unfortunately passed away right and then whenever I went to his funeral and I mourned for him like everyone else may have just been feeling just sadness and grief and all that

like I felt like a grief of a sort of sense of and we're Christian And our family was like a Christian primarily and all that. And I was like thinking to myself, please, God, just let me be a stronger person, you know. Let me be more capable so I can actually make the world a better place and not let all these efforts that my grandpa or anyone else went through go to waste. Make it worth it. Yeah.

So I think it can be healthy to ask for strength. And also I would encourage you to recognize Josh that you've probably been given that which you've asked for. And the only thing that really gets in the way of seeing it is your own ego. Yeah, probably. So just spend some time with who the real Josh is versus the image of Josh. And hopefully as you kind of navigate that, maybe if you're a little bit lucky, you can start to feel a little bit of pride in waking up at 430 every day. you know, being grateful to yourself for working this hard, right? Even if pride isn't really there yet, maybe you can start with some gratitude, right?

So like at least like hopefully your grades are getting better and you're starting to get in shape and things like that. And you can be grateful to yourself for putting in the effort. Yeah. 100%. I totally want to do that. Well, good luck to you, Josh. Any questions or last thoughts before we wrap up? Well, on a completely unrelated note, I recently watched one of the videos that was posted on the YouTube channel,

and it was about how change occurs, and that was just really insightful, and I want to keep applying that to the rest of my life, too, so I can figure out how to learn and do all that and just improve, and it's just been really helpful. Can you give us a TLDR on the video? I'm not actually Oh yeah No, no 100%. So basically what it's about is like

You've read a Reddit post Which was a gift of like Basically this person saying Oh yeah well I know darn well that I should be making change While they're watching your videos But they're not able to And they still don't do anything about it And then you're like, yeah well

You technically don't really need to do anything about it, right? Yeah really just do the work in your head. And I thought that was weird at first when I heard that and then I kept watching them. And it was just really insightful because then it, because then those suggestions you gave in that video about sitting on what you learned and reflecting on it. I actually did that when I walked in my backyard, like right after I finished the video. And it made me think about how I wanted to, when I played Overwatch a few years ago and I climbed

to like the top elo or one of the top elos in the game, that's exactly what I did in order to get better at the game. Yeah. Like I watched BODs. I study pro players and what they did and compare that to what I was doing. And I just got better at it. And I improved on what I needed to get better at, even though I suck. Absolutely. Yes. Thanks for jogging my memory. Yeah. So it's

surprising how people don't realize that most of change is like internal. And we also don't really understand. We don't really acknowledge that unless we like intent, we can intentionally facilitate the process of change, which I think is also the same as learning, right? So if we kind of think about like if I'm stuck in the same pattern over and over and over again, I'll even use the phrase, oh, like, why do I never learn?

And there are actually some interesting things you can do to facilitate learning. one of which is reflection. So thanks for sharing, and I'm glad that the video was able to help you. Good luck to you, Josh. Yeah. Yeah, thank you. Keep doing what you're doing. I love it.

Thanks, man. It's an amazing place. Thanks for contributing. My pleasure. All right. So let's just take a quick moment to recap, because I think there's a lot of stuff about Josh's situation that is actually quite applicable. So sometimes we have difficulty taking pride in this. stuff, which is kind of weird because we just sort of assume that everyone knows how to take

pride in stuff, right? Like, it's an emotion. So shouldn't everyone be capable of feeling pride? The interesting thing is that some of us actually grow up in a situation where based on how certain behaviors are reinforced, what kind of feedback we get, it's actually like very hard to take pride in your accomplishments. And so there are a couple of key things that we can see from this situation. The first is sort of growing up as a gifted kid.

Because if you grow up as a gifted kid, even if you excel, that is actually the bare minimum of what is expected of you. Right. So it's kind of interesting because if we think about like performance, like if I perform at this level, or if this is the performance that's expected of me and then I perform up here instead, this is the window that I can take pride in, right? because like this is what I was expected to do, and I actually ended up way over here, so I should be proud of like overperforming.

The interesting thing, so if we kind of think about it, if expectations are at the ceiling, right, if we're gifted and we're so intelligent and like, oh, like getting an A is so easy for us, then actually what happens is it's very hard for us to feel pride because expectations are so high. The best we can do is meet the minimum expectation. The interesting thing is that the other side of the other side of the other side of the, the other side the coin is also present. We're oftentimes gifted kids, not just gifted kids, but especially gifted kids, even when

they do poorly, they're not the shame they feel, the negativity they feel is oftentimes swept under the rug. And so, like, instead of your parents telling you, oh, that was really hard for you, you know, like, oh, like, it sounded like that, you know, you really struggled there. Sometimes what will happen is parents don't want to be negative towards their kids, so they'll try to be reassuring. So when I'm reassuring, I'll say things like, you know, I'll say things like, Oh, like, you'll be fine next time.

Don't worry about it. You got a B. I'm sure you're going to get an A. It's no big deal. You're smart. You're smart. You'll figure it out. The interesting thing about that kind of reassurance is that it's actually invalidating.

Because in that moment, when the kid really, really struggled to study and wound up with a B, or maybe they did study. And they studied very hard and they still got to be. Instead of acknowledging that struggle, what we do is we kind of sweep it away, right? Oh, everything will be fine. And interestingly enough, by invalidating the struggles that gifted kids actually face, we don't give them an opportunity to, like, improve and triumph. Because even if they struggled and got a B, and I say, oh, it's totally fine, you'll get an A. It's not a big deal.

And then if they study twice as hard and they get an A, is it a big deal? Have you progressed? Have you done a better job? Are you, is this something to be proud of? Oh, no, no, no. This is just the expectations. So interestingly enough, the inability for some people's lack of experiencing kind of like validation when they struggle also makes it hard for them to feel pride. Because if I say to you, oh, that was actually really hard, you know, I know you struggled a lot.

I really hope you can try again and like I'm going to try to help you and I know it's going to be tough, but I believe that you can do it. And when we acknowledge the struggle, and then when they improve, things actually change, right? Because then I can take pride in it. But by sweeping the difficulties that some people face under the rug, like we actually don't, we sort of take away their ability to like grow and triumph and take pride in that. And so oddly enough, sometimes we don't really know how to feel pride. And the last thing to consider when it comes to not knowing how to feel pride is if this stuff has happened to you, think about the expectations you place on.

yourself. Because if you're, if you internalize those expectations, then even doing a good job is not prideworthy. Doing a good job is the minimum. The only thing that you can take pride in is if you did exceptionally, exceptionally, exceptionally, exceptionally, exceptionally well, right? Because that's what you expect from yourself. You expect from yourself the absolute best. It's a very, very, very relatable, very, very common issue, surprisingly. And like more and more people experience this, but then we sort of like don't even recognize for a moment that pride is something that we learn how to feel in our upbringing based on certain experiences that we have. And if you haven't had those experiences, if your difficulties were swept away, if your expectations were really, really high, sometimes we end up with young adults or adults who actually like kind of don't know how to feel pride, even when they do a good job.