HealthyGamerGG - What if they think I'm Boring?

Episode Date: July 6, 2022

Dr. K dives into feeling boring! But more importantly, how you don't have to feel like this forever, having fun interactions vs. serious conversations, body language and having a good time yourself! Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

At the end of the day, it's fantastic that people are learning how to communicate. And the funny thing is that what we tend to be doing is it seems like we're actually pretty good at teaching people how to have like deep connections with others. The problem is that having deep connections with others requires a skill set that's different from having fun with others. I don't know if you all have seen like these, you know, these like prank videos where someone's walking down the street and like 50 people turn a corner and are running in the opposite direction. And the one person who has no idea what's going on, turns around and like runs in the same direction with the pack,

the rest of the pack. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha we're having so much fun. Look, I'm doing all of the things of having fun. Aren't we having fun together now, everybody? Ha ha! You see how hard I'm trying to have fun, aren't we? Isn't it great? You all see that?

You see like how terrifying it is to empathically try to force people to have fun? I don't know how to be fun to hand. out with. So hi, Dr. Kay. I'm a 25-year-old male who is a neat for many, many years. English is not my first language, so I'll do my best to express myself. Awesome. Right now, I'm in my second year of university. I'm meeting new people, and for the most part, I'm doing just fine. I've improved a lot through therapy and with some of your videos, like the one you did about having conversations. In this matter, I think I'm quite a good listener, and some people like to talk about deep stuff with me, but that's not enough. It might not sound, it might sound,

weird, but I feel like the more I improve as a person, the more dissatisfied I am with myself. It's not enough to have stopped being neat. It's not enough to make friends who trust in me to talk about their problems. No, I want more. I want to be funny and engaging, but I'm the opposite. The other day I was at a party and people there asked me many times, why are you so quiet? Don't be shy, stuff like that. I really wanted to connect with them and have a good time, but my mind went blank. I didn't really feel socially anxious or anything. It was just that nothing came to my mind. This happens to me a lot. I'm only worth for serious conversations. For the fun stuff, there are other people. I don't want to be like this. I want to make people laugh and enjoy myself with them.

So really interesting posts, right? So the first thing that I want to point out is that this is almost, in a sense, the exact opposite of other things that we've talked about, which is that we've had a lot of, you know, people in our community who have said, I don't like small talk. I have trouble authentically connecting with people. I don't know if you all have been here for a while, but you all have seen that like, sometimes we'll get these questions where like all I can do is like shallow stuff. I don't know how to form deeper connections. And so I think like this post, the first thing that I want to do is like I want to acknowledge and applaud this person's effort, right? So who was a neat for many, many years, but was a neat. So this person is 25 years

old and now they're in their second year of university, right? And they're doing just fine. So for those of you that are concerned that, like, you're going to be like this forever, the good news is that you don't have to be like that, right? So I've improved a lot through therapy and with some of your videos. Awesome. That's what we're here for and that's what therapy is here for. So I think this is like really fantastic that this person is like doing better. The other thing is this person is learning. So they've watched some of our videos. And in some of our videos, what we do is we break down how to converse with people, right? So, like, people who are struggling to form social relationships

or, like, don't know how to make friends and stuff like that. We have a lot of stuff where we, like, talk through, okay, this is not just some, like, intrinsic skill. This is actually something that can be taught, just like how to cook, how to dance, how to speak, how to make music, how to play video games. Social interactions can be taught. You can understand and break down the formula of how to be socially adept.

And it looks like this person has done a good job because they've sort of figured out some of the stuff that we sort of teach in terms of like how to be a good listener, right? And they're actually able to get people to open up to them and sort of discuss deep things. And at the same time, this person doesn't know how to just be fun. So they've sort of figured out how you sort of like, you know, have deep conversations, but they're not quite sure how to have fun. Like, how do I like just have fun conversations with people? Which is totally great. I'm glad you asked that question because we're going to teach you.

Okay. So let's take a quick look at this scenario. Okay? So the first thing, let's sketch out, you know, the background of this case. Okay. We have a 25-year-old, former neat. Good job. Okay.

So able to form, able to do deep conversations. is a good listener, but then they said a couple of other things. One is they sort of pointed out, and this is actually really, really good, right? So kind of other stuff to consider is that they never seem satisfied. Okay? So I don't know if you all kind of caught this, but they're asking about like how to communicate with people. And then there's this, this weird paragraph kind of in the middle that's like not about communication, it's about a lack of satisfaction within themselves.

And we'll get to that in a second. So, and then we're going to kind of get to this, which is I really wanted to connect with them and have a good time, but my mind went blank. I didn't really feel socially anxious or anything. It was just that nothing came to my mind. I'm only worth it for serious conversations, okay? So we'll kind of go to this and the sentiment of only worth it for serious conversations. Now, this is where we're going to sort of point out a couple of things. If you all have been like, you know, viewers of the stream and stuff like that, you're going to sort of recognize that this over here is probably a sumscar.

Okay. And what we're probably like looking at here is that when I'm a 25-year-old male who's been a neat for a long, long time, this is going to lead to feelings of like low self-worth. And if we look at some of these kinds of dialogue, right, like they believe. they have low self-worth, right? So, like, I feel the more I improve as a person, the more dissatisfied I am with myself, which is really paradoxical, right? Because we would think that the more that you improve, the more satisfied with yourself you should become.

So, like, that's kind of weird. So there's, like, that's the sign of a sum scar. It's not enough. It's never enough. And why is that? It's because when you're 25 years old and you've been a neat for a while, you need to make up for it, right? Because what you've got is you've got this, like, kind of seed of not being, like,

like a worthwhile person that you've watered and watered and watered and fertilized for many, many years and now it's grown into a big plant. And that's going to be there. So you can start planting another seed of like positivity and like positive self-worth. But the old seed is going to be there. And so anytime people will ask you, why are you so quiet? Don't be shy. It's going to like activate that part of your mind that makes you think I'm not good enough. Right? For so long, you have been telling yourself that you're not good enough or you should be more. And so when that happens for a long time, like this is going to persist. Okay?

And then you're going to have these kinds of thoughts only worth it for deep conversations. And then if you keep going, what you'll sort of get to is even these kinds of thoughts where people only talk to me because they get something out of it. So the only reason they're my friend is because I'm the therapist friend, right? And so now what we see is like the reason that this person is able to get here is because they socially improved, right? They learned, they watched some of our videos and stuff, went to therapy and all that good stuff. And now they like learned how to be good listeners. So they learned, you know, things like reflective listening.

They learned open-ended questions. I'd be curious if this person did group coaching because this is what we tend to see in group coaching is that people get really, really good at like having deep conversations and being like, good at listening. So this is something that we sort of like, we'll try. So in order to facilitate understanding and group coaching, what we sort of have to do is teach people like how do you listen and like how do you ask questions that sort of like dig deeper and how do you sort of reflect on yourself. So these are the kinds of things. This is generally speaking what we tend to focus on, right? So this, I'm curious if this person did group coaching or if they just watch videos, either one is possible. But now what we're going to talk about is how do you have fun?

And the good news is that there's actually a way to do this. So let's take a step back for a second and just think about this for a second. Okay? So how do you have fun interactions with people? So this is where like if we really think about the components of fun in an interaction, what does it kind of come down to? So the first thing that people may think is like shared interests, right? If I talk about video gaming and someone else talks about video gaming,

we both like the same thing, that will be fun. but that's not necessarily the case, right? Because you can talk about people who, you can talk with people who also like the same game you like, but sometimes, like, it's actually a super toxic interaction where all y'all are doing is arguing. It's not necessarily fun. Like, you can have two people who both like cake,

and in fact, they can both be pastry chefs. And even though their lives are very similar in a lot of ways, there's like a lot of clashing, right? So the first thing is that we assume that a lot of, of fun from an interaction starts before the interaction, if that kind of makes sense, right? So whether I have fun with someone depends on like all of these things before I even meet them. Like, what do we like? Do we have a shared background?

Do we have a shared upbringing? Do we like the same stuff? Do we listen to the same music? That's what people think of is fun. Turns out that that's not really the case. So what we're going to sort of zero in on is like some actually like scientific principles of how to have fun interactions. okay? And what we're really going to focus on is one major thing. So the first thing is we may think shared interests. We may think shared background. But it's not really how it works. Because there can be

people who are of your ethnicity, of your religion, who play the same games you do. And what you guys can do is like actually just drive each other crazy. So that's not it. So what is the fundamental nature of fun? So this is going to be kind of tricky, but we're going to have to do this. Oh, You guys can't see that. Whoops. Okay. So that's what I drew real quick. So I'll show you all.

So you're sitting there. You're watching Dr. Kay, right? Watching Dr. Kay, you ready for it? Y'all ready for it? So as I smile, right? What are you doing right now? What are you doing right now? Are you smiling too?

Are we having fun yet, chat? Right? We're smiling. Cringing, stop it. So, this is very important to understand, like, how did we do that? What happened there? Right? So as soon as I stop and I go back into teaching mode, you start to feel calmer, right?

Ah, body language. Okay, so this is where if you want to have fun with someone, the most important thing that you need to understand is empathy. So this is how human beings work. If you, human beings are empathic. That's just how we are, right? So, like, you, I don't know if you all have seen, like, these, you know, these, like, prank videos where someone's walking down the street and, like, 50 people turn a corner and are running in the opposite direction. And the one person who has no idea what's going on, going on, turns around and, like, runs in the same direction with the rest of the pack. Right?

So as human beings, we have, like, group think. We have, like, herd behavior. And that's because we have all these, like, empathic circuits. And so this is where when you go into an interaction, and you're like, I'm going to try to have fun. I got to have fun. I got to have fun. What's going on up here?

You're stressed out. As you stress out, what are you empathically projecting? You're empathically projecting stress. And what people will see is like what they'll sort of receive from you is stress. And then the whole tension in the room will rise. So you all may know this because if you like know someone well, you don't even have to know someone well. You can go into like a random room. And if someone comes in and they're pissed off.

you can tell and it makes you uncomfortable. You don't have to know them. You don't have to know their mannerisms. You can just tell. This person is like pissed off and I'm going to see you're clear. It makes me tense, right? So the first thing to understand, if you want to have fun with people,

you have to have fun yourself. And I know that sounds kind of weird, but like if you're trying to enter into interactions where like your goal is to like have fun with them and this is where I want to tunnel down into some of this language, because I think this is important to recognize, right? For fun stuff, there are other people. So this is where we've got to be really careful sometimes

because when we, the way that this person is almost starting to think about interactions is that it's sort of like a one-way street where I am going to present something to the other person for them to have fun, right? So like, I can be a good listener or I can be in fun mode. But I don't know how else to say this, but this feels very like, one way to me. So like for fun stuff, if somebody else wants to have fun, they're not going to spend time with me. They're going to spend time with someone else. If someone wants to have a deep conversation, they're going to come to me and they're going to talk to me about it.

But we're not seeing, you know, we're not seeing this person in this interaction. We're not seeing like, what does this person get out of it? Right. Do they enjoy it? What about their fun? Like, I'm not seeing anything about that. You know, it's not enough to make friends who trust in me to talk about their problems. No, I want to be funny engaging, but I'm the opposite. And so that's where I'd say, like, this is where the first thing you should do is think about your own enjoyment in the conversation. So now what we're going to talk a little bit about is empathy. And this is where if you are having a good time, other people will enjoy your company. And I don't know if you guys, if y'all have seen this, but like, you know, sometimes you'll like hear someone talking about

something that they're super passionate about. And you don't even have to like what they're talking about, but just the fact that they're so passionate about it is like somewhat enjoyable. Right? It's like, you can even like watch someone, you know, dancing or something like that or even like eating food. And you can get some amount of enjoyment out of just watching someone else, like really, really enjoying themselves. And that's because of empathy. So the first thing that you should do if you want to have fun with people is try to have a good time yourself. And this is where you're going to say, well, like, In order for me to have a good time, I have to have fun. And in order for me to have a good time, like, I need other people to enjoy my company.

And, like, it's like kind of a chicken or the egg sort of thing, right? Well, that's where I'd say you can actually steer the conversation in a couple of ways, right? So you can actually steer the conversation in things that you enjoy talking about. You can steer the conversation or the interaction in ways that, you know, kind of like make you excited. Like, there are things that you can start talking about. You can shift the conversation towards things that you enjoy. So you could just, you know, you have to be a little bit careful about this. We'll get to like part two in a second.

But the first thing is because of empathic circuits in the brain, if you're having a good time, they're going to have a good time. And that's where if you're thinking, okay, in order for me to have a good time, I need them to have a good time, then think about what that projects empathically. I need you to have a good time. I'm stressed out about whether you're having a good time. And this is exactly the problem that people fall into is they're like, I'm trying to have fun, but I'm trying so hard to have fun

that it ends up empathically sending signals of like stress and like trying really hard to like make something work. And then people kind of feel that tension. It's like ha ha ha, let's have fun now. Look, we'll even try it here. I'm going to show you guys non-empathic laughter. Are you guys ready? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

We're having so much fun. Look, I'm doing all of the things of having fun. Aren't we having fun together now, everybody? Ha ha you see how hard I'm trying to have fun aren't we isn't it great? Ah, ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. You all see that? You see like how terrifying it is to empathically try to force people to have fun? Y'all get that?

Like do you seriously, do you get that? So this is where what you got to do is you just got to chill. You know, you got to like take a step back like within yourself and be like, all right, we're going to vibe with chat today. We're going to talk about a couple of things. right? We're going to like, I guess, be a little bit ridiculous. And now think about how you feel, right? Even as I sort of take a step back, I'm like, that was a little bit crazy. And now as I'm starting to have a better time, like I'm returning back to like lecturing mode, teaching mode, stuff like that, you start to chill out. So there's like that empathic connection. So that's

where I'd recommend. Actually, like, steer the conversation towards something that you naturally enjoy talking about. Okay. So like as you steer the conversation in that, way, like your tone of voice will change. Your face will light up. And if your face lights up a little bit, like, then you're going to be having a good time. And someone else is going to be having a good time. That's the first thing. Okay. So talk about things that you enjoy talking about. Steer the conversation and stuff that you're kind of interested in. But there's a problem with this, which is that if you're not careful, what's going to happen is you're going to like, if you overdo it, you're going to bore the other person. Okay? And so like if I keep on talking about like, oh my God, like I love space turtles, dude.

Like space turtles are so awesome. I'm writing this awesome fan fiction about space turtles. And it's all about turtles from outer space. And they go into space and they come out of space and they're turtles. And they've got four little legs in a tail. And we put like this little jet pack on the back of their shell. And then they've got like, you just keep going and going and going and going and going. So here's where the second bit of empathy comes in. So this is sort of what we're talking about here is going to be like projective empathy. So since human beings are empathic creatures, we can project something and what we project they're going to receive. And then I guess like the other kind of empathy that we're going to talking about is like a receptive empathy.

So then what you've got to do is tune into the other person. So talk about something that you enjoy for like 60 to 90 seconds. right? And that's not where like the more you kind of time it, you're like, oh my God, like, here we go. Like 61, two, three, four. If you're stressed out about it, just like share something that you're happy about. Share something that's like good in your day. Like, man, I had the best slice of pizza today. It was like amazing. Like, man, sometimes I just really love pizza. Then what you've got to do is tune into them and like see what they, like how they're gauging what you're doing. And then kind of tune into them and be like, okay, so like, you know, What kind of food do you like?

Right? And then like sort of like punt things kind of back over to them. And so pay attention to how they respond. And what you're doing by sort of sharing this positive empathy, by sort of having this projective empathy that's like kind of kind of like positive and upbeat and stuff like that, you're kind of opening the door for them to sort of give you the same. Right? And they're like, yeah, dude.

Like I totally love pizza. Man, like, what's your favorite pizza place? And then they ask you that question. Then you all are kind of having a good time. you're just kind of like vibe in and stuff like that. You don't have to ask them deep personal questions about themselves. You don't have to listen. You can just sort of like then you can kind of like go back to projecting.

You can share well, I had this awesome slice of pizza up in Chicago. But, you know, like I argue with my friend all the time about whether Chicago pizza is better or New York pizza is better. And then you pause and you kind of check in with them. Right. So you stop talking. So you can sort of use silence. These are your tools. So you can be quiet for a second.

and give them a chance to kind of volunteer. But that too, you want to be like a little bit careful there because you don't want to just be quiet, right? So you don't want to do this. You guys ready for the cringe again? Here we go. So I really like Chicago deep dish pizza, but my friend up in New York says that New York pizza is better, right?

So you want to be like, you want to give people an opportunity to jump into the conversation, but you don't want to like linger it too long. So what I would say is like, yes, it's the stair, right? it's not just the silence, it's the fact that my affect, do you guys see what that does to you? Like my face is going to make you feel particular things. And the cool thing is like, it's not because my face is special. This is just how our brain is wired.

You all get that? So you can like start to use some of these principles of sort of like projective empathy and receptive empathy where you're kind of checking in with them sort of like, okay, like is this person like, have I given this person a chance to talk yet? You know, maybe I should toss out a question. And the main thing is just like try to have fun with the person. yourself. Don't worry about making them have a good time. Because when you're so concerned about them having a good time, then they're stressed out and you're stressed out because like that's

empathically what you're projecting. And then you can, then it feels like you're trying too hard. Right. So a lot of pit times people get frustrated because there's all this kind of like useless advice that people don't know how to manage. So what are the pitfalls? Oh, you're having trouble dating? You're trying too hard. Just relax, right? Take it easy. This is what everyone tells you. You're like, how do I do that?

If I could do that, I would do that. These are the pitfalls. So what do you do? Okay, so the first thing is like, project positivity empathically. And this is where, like, you don't want to pretend to be positive. You don't want to be sitting there. It'll be like, okay, I got to be positive, got to be positive.

Ready? Three, two, one, smile. It's going to terrify people. It's like, okay, so like, hey, I have five minutes with this person. This is what I want y'all to do. You take a step back. I'm going to chat with this person for like five minutes. How am I going to have fun in the next five minutes?

What do I want to talk about? What's going on in my life that I could share? What's something that I could share that would genuinely make me happy? Right? And that's where you've got to be like a little bit careful. So you don't want to do what I did when I was a freshman in college. And I was talking to this girl and I was very excited because Warcraft 3 was coming out. and I proceeded to be very, very excited and bubbly and talk to her for 15 minutes

about how Warcraft 3 was coming out. And then I told her, hey, by the way, I don't think I'm going to be able to hang out much over the next couple weeks because I'm going to be playing this game. And I never heard from her again. Right? So I like went, like, I was completely not receptive to the empathic signals she was sending, which is like, this is kind of weird. Right?

would have been totally fine to be like, hey, like, I'm super excited because there's a game coming out, like anything in particular you're looking forward to this semester. How's your semester going? Wow, that's awesome, right? Or like, yeah, that really sucks. So then you can sort of like, but the key thing about having fun with someone is you can't, like, this is what I kind of summarize with, okay? You can't have fun with someone or you can't make someone else have fun. The only way to really do it or the best way to do it is to have fun with. them. That's the whole point, right? But this is where like the more that we struggle to try to have a good time, the more that we move out of having fun with someone and trying to like create fun for both of us,

which means that you just try too hard, which empathically sends the wrong signals, they pick up on your stress and then interactions seem forced. Okay? And so this is the kind of thing where what we've got to do is just like try to have fun with someone. So that sort of involves like how are you going to have fun with this interaction? What do you want to talk about? That would be interesting. What's a topic of conversation that they could engage in that you would find interesting? Right?

So that's all. Like, you got to steer the conversation. And as you move the conversation towards something that you enjoy, you're going to be more relaxed over it. You're going to have a good time. Let yourself kind of flow into it. And then what we're going to do is we're going to sort of like check in with them. So we're going to have some amount of receptive empathy.

Or we're going to like key in. So after 60 or 90s, seconds, we're going to pause and sort of see like, okay, is this kind of interesting? And then even if you feel like you've talked too long, you can say, my bad, you know, I got super excited about this just because I've been looking forward to it. What about you? Right? So at the end of the day, it's fantastic that people are learning how to communicate. And the funny thing is that what we tend to be doing is, it seems like we're like actually pretty good at teaching people how to have like deep connections with others. The problem is that having deep connections with others requires a skill set

that's different from having fun with others. And if we talk a little bit about, okay, like, how do you have fun with people? We sort of assume that, like, people are just natural at it, which they may be. But the good news is that we actually know, like, how human beings enjoy each other's company. Like, we know what that sort of means. There's a certain amount of spontaneity to it. and the key thing that most people sort of lose track of is empathy. And the key thing there is that the more that you try to have fun, the more internally stressed you are. And the more internally stressed you are, the harder it's going to be for you to have fun.

Because you're going to be projecting that stress. And then sometimes what will happen is like that's when people sort of feel desperate. Right. That's when people feel like they're trying too hard. And if you're trying too hard, it's the very opposite of fun, which is like what's so tricky about it. Because people are like smart. y'all are like really good at this stuff you know you try to figure this stuff out the challenge is that the more you try towards it the harder it becomes so the more that you understand like sort of how empathy works and sort of to project a certain kind of empathic signal and also the more the more the open-minded you are to receive whatever signal they're sending the closer you'll you'll get it sort of like modulating and kind of like meeting kind of in the middle and the more relax the more you're able to do that the more you all are vibing right because that's what

Vibing means. We even have a term for it. When I'm on a wavelength, then someone else is on the same wavelength. That's what we call vibing. So how do you vibe with people? Because that's what fun is, right? You vibe through like sort of projective empathy and kind of like receptive empathy. Okay.

Questions. So, Enite is not, is someone who is not in employment, education, or training. Lee does saying stream, do be giving me hope to keep going today? Good. Keep going. So here's the thing. to remember. If you have hope to keep going, the hope in and of itself has a actual effect, right? We tend to think about hope is something that's purely internal and doesn't affect outcomes.

But the truth of the matter is that hope does affect outcomes. There are studies on this that have been done that when you have people who lack hope, they actually perform more poorly. And essentially, when you give up is like, you know, winners don't quit and quitters don't don't win. Can you save a conversation if you find them boring? Sure. So that's where like I'd think a little bit about, you know, first of all, why you find them boring. Because if you have that kind of judgment in your mind, then it's going to be hard. So it's almost like the placebo effect or the nocebo effect. What you think about them is going to influence how you interpret what they say. So I'd say the biggest thing to save a conversation is actually to adjust your own judgment. So to acknowledge that, like,

this is a human being. Just think about this for a second. This is a human being who has had their own experiences and, like, background and knowledge that they've learned, challenges that they've faced, struggles they've had, triumphs they've had. This is someone who's lived a whole separate life from yours. And so there's got to be like something novel, interesting, or something that you can learn from them. There's just no way. Like, if it's a different gender, different race, like, what's it like to be that person?

Right? Like, what is, what lessons is this person? What kind of content? What DLCs does this person have access to that I will never be able to play? And maybe you can like, like, that's pretty cool, right? Like, thinking about, okay, like, what delc's does this person have access to? Like, tell me about which DLCs you have.

Imagine if you're playing a game like Eldon Ring, but like each person you meet has their own five unique DLCs. That you guys have a lot of shared content, but there's like unique content that you'll never be able to play. But it'd be like cool to hear about, right? So adjust, if you want to save a conversation, you know, I'd start by like thinking a little bit about your own perspective in the conversation.

And then there's also like some stuff that you can sort of do. Like you can sort of, you know, you can kind of like acknowledge that the conversation maybe seems hard or whatever. You can kind of go meta for a second. So Cyberandy's asking, Cyberdandy, sorry, is asking Dr. Kay, why do you know all this stuff? Do they teach about fun in med school? No, they don't. So I know about this stuff from a combination of different places. One is that I've taken sort of the attitude that I just explained, which is that every person I meet, like, it's a whole different, they're like DLCs that they've got that I don't have access to. So when I tend to spend time with people,

I try to really learn as much as I can from them. And you'd be amazed at like how much you can learn if you actually like try, like most of the day. Second thing is I just read a lot and like I listen to a lot of stuff. And then the third thing, third or fourth thing is, okay, so here's Dr. K's guide to like learning a bunch of random stuff. Okay. First thing, number one, understand that any person you meet is going to have access to information or knowledge or experience that you will never have. And so it's possible to like learn something substantial from every single person you meet. Number two, like, I read a lot, generally speaking. So I read about 10 to 15 scientific papers a week.

And this is where there are studies that show, so there are some studies on medicine. So back when I was like trying to be a good doctor, you know, there were studies that show like, okay, like which doctors do a good job and which doctors do less of a good job. And there's sort of this idea that the more experience you have, the better you are at something. This turns out to actually be one of the most critical misunderstandings that most people have. So the simplest way to understand this is you, like, I don't know what games you all play, but chances are like in most MoBA games or FPS games, your rating, your matchmaking rating, your MMR, what rank you're at, tends to stay like relatively constant after the first 100 games. Right? So you'll have people who are like hard stuck in bronze for like six years.

And they just so experience doesn't actually lead to improve. improvement. And people have done studies on patient outcomes and found that this is true of doctors as well. That you can have a doctor with 30 years of experience or a doctor with five years of experience. And that one, the five, the person with five years of experience is actually going to outperform the person with 30 years of experience. And furthermore, you can make predictions at one year out, two years out, of which doctor will have better outcomes like 10 years from now, 20 years from now. And essentially what it comes down to is how active of a learner you are. So some people will just mindlessly grind and they won't get better. And other people will actively continually try to learn.

And the people who actively try to learn are the ones that end up learning more. Big surprise. So once I sort of realized that, I realize that, I realize that like no amount of training behind me is enough. Right? Like I can go to med school. I can study to become a monk. I can do all these different kinds of things. But the second I stopped trying to learn is the second I plateau.

So I just read a fair amount, right? So I'll read books and stuff like that. I read a lot of scientific papers. I personally like to read scientific papers because I find that most books that summarize information will have a lot of like biases or conclusions or things like that. Essentially, it's expert opinion, but it's one person's opinion as opposed to the actual evidence. And there are all kinds of different things that, you know, once you dig into the evidence,

you'll be able to, like, get closest to, like, reality. And then you'll sort of, like, you can form your own conclusions. That's the second thing. Third thing is that, so I did study for many years to become a monk. And what I really realized is that there's a way to analyze your own experience, which leads to a lot of, like, learning. So instead of just, you know, taking things at face value that there are all kinds of different things that I can analyze.

So this is what I sort of discovered. This almost is more from the yogic side. But what I really discovered from like all the monk training is that each aspect of human experience can be like broken down and understood, which is sort of what science says. But the problem is that science looks at piles of people instead of an individual. Right. So science will look at like, for example, you know, which major correlates with like what median income, which is a fair thing to say. But remember that there's a lot of individual

variance between majors. Right. So like if I decide to study computer programming, I may make more money on average than someone who studies creative writing. But the truth of the matter is that there are a lot of people out there who study creative writing who make way more money than developers do. And so you have to be careful about basing your life on averages as opposed to your own personal experience. And that's where you just have to sort of like look at learn from your own experience. So what I sort of did, for example, for this kind of talk is many years ago, I decided to set out with the goal of like making friends. And what I'm going to do is like use my meditative training every time I'm in a social interaction. I'm going to pay attention to what's

going on. I'm going to pay attention to myself. I'm going to pay attention to like how I feel. I'm going to use my powers of observation to sort of like pay attention to other people. and then like the more that I interact, the more that I'm self-reflective, even recently, like I sent, you know, I recently had a text exchange with a very good friend of mine about, like, in which I sort of gained some awareness of like how I was sort of mistreating them, how I was being judgmental towards them. I wasn't like mistreating them, but I recognized that within my own mind, I was making judgments that despite my politeness were not authentic. Right? So like, because I was being polite instead of, and then what I realized, like, oh, the judgment, within me is wrong. So you can sort of like study yourself. And I think if you do these three things, then you'll like learn a ton. Is it possible to have conversations when you seem to be the only one that doesn't have a lot of shared interest compared to those around you? 100%. I would even go as far as saying, that's when it's the easiest to have conversations. So here's the thing. If you all want to have conversations with people who are,

share interests and you don't, really simple way to do it. In fact, this is the easiest conversation to have. And the reason for that is, if you think about it, if you share an interest with someone, the conversation is going to be specific to the interest. What kind of Pokemon do you like?

This is what kind of Pokemon I like. How do you like to evolve your Pokemon? Where do you catch this Pokemon? Oh, this is my favorite Pokemon. Which was the first Pokemon that you? Which one did you pick? Did you pick Bulbosaur? Right?

You can talk a lot of specifics about the particular. thing. But the cool thing is there's one script or one major script for all the conversations that you have no interest in it. That script is very simple. It's this. So I'm not really like, I don't have much experience with Pokemon. Can you tell me what you like about it?

Explain it to me. That's it. Right? So then they start talking. Be like, if there's something you don't understand, your goal in the conversation is try to understand what they're talking about. What is a Pokemon? on. You catch them? Like, how does that work? Are you all like animal control? Use a

polka ball? What's a pokeball? And a very, very good way to practice this kind of conversation is to talk to a kid. Because like, the kid is going to know some random crap that you've never heard of. Right? And you just be like, what is this child talking about? So you can just like, like ask, like try to understand. This kind of goes back to the DLC thing where like this person has a whole set of experience. right? So in one hour of talking with this person, you can learn so much about this topic. Just ask them questions about it. Be like, that's interesting. And whatever you genuinely find interesting about it is what you should ask about. And at some point, you may want to kind of volunteer like certain perspectives of your own and stuff like that to be like, that's, oh,

so like I see you're in Pokemon. Like, I really like, I see that there's also like card games and video games. Like, I'm a huge fan of Yu-Gi-O. Have you ever played like Yu-Gio? You should really check it out. Here's what I like about it. blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Does that sound familiar to you? Is that what Pokemon is like? And then you can just, like, have a conversation about it. You don't need to share interests.

This is the biggest misnomer that people have. In fact, I find it actually easier to have stimulating conversations with people who I don't share interests with. And then you just learn about it.