HealthyGamerGG - Why people don't believe in you... ft. LosPollosTV

Episode Date: February 27, 2021

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Okay, you hear me? Yep, I hear you great, buddy. Okay, what's going on? What's going on, man? Nothing. Just feeling? Yeah, so thanks for coming on. I really appreciate it.

I mean, I appreciate you guys reaching out. Because I've watched a bunch of your streams before, and so this is pretty cool to actually get to talk to you. Yeah, man. Well, I hope it, you know, I hope we can help you in some way today, if you need help, that is, or at least entertain you. No, yeah, of course, I think everyone needs help. Yeah, man. You know? So tell me, to start off with, what would you like me to call you today?

You could just call me Lowe's. Okay, Lose. Okay. And Lose, can you tell me a little bit about, you know, is there anything that you wanted to talk about or focus on or maybe learn? a little bit more about today? Explore together. Yeah, I mean, so I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I tweeted, uh, oh, back to depression. Okay.

And I just want to put it out there that, like, to anyone in the chat who, who, you know, has, like, diagnosed depression or anything, like, I'm not diagnosed. I was just really, like, upset that day, you know what I mean? Um, so I just want to say. say like I don't joke about that but I just was really feeling down and uh I think

I guess what I want to talk with you about was like um why why can sometimes comments and like the way people are affect me and then sometimes literally anyone can say whatever they want it doesn't affect me at all

like that's like the thing that's like I have, I'm always like trying to figure out, um, in my own head. So, you know, maybe we can start with there start there. Loss, dude, that is such a brilliant question, man. Really? Yeah, man. Like, like, think about it, right? Because it's like, it's so confusing because we think that the world operates based on certain laws. Like, gravity always makes things fall down. Right. And, and so what I'm hearing from you is there are some days of the week or some states of mind that. that maybe you're in where people's words like really sweep past your armor and like hit. And then there are other times where like you're able to kind of like shrug things off.

Yeah. Like that's the perfect way to describe it. And then the other day when I did tweet that, that was one of the days where it was just like anything people were saying, which is completely just affecting me. And so it makes me think like, is that even what's affecting me? because if those words, if things people say don't affect me other days, you know what I mean? So that's, that's my like question pretty much. Yeah.

Dude, I'm serious. It's one of the most important questions to ask because I think the first thing to kind to kind of understand is that it's not what they say. Right. There's like, there's a signal that gets broadcast and then there's a receiver. And what I'm hearing from you is that the signal can be the same every single day, but something changes on the receiver that allows that signal to come in. And that receiver is you. And so this is like the reason I think that's such an important question is because I want like people to understand that if we really think about this, Lois, what we can discover is if we can figure that out, if we can figure out how the receiver works, what we could also do is make ourselves impervious to criticism. Okay. Right?

Okay. Yeah. If we can figure out the difference between a day where their words hurt and a day where you can shrug them off, and we can figure out how that formula works, we can have every day where you're immune to criticism. I would love that. I'm sorry. Yeah. I mean, like, that's why I think the questions are like really, really well formulated, right? Because it's like, it's a very good.

Yeah. I would love that. I would love that. So let's start with this. So let's explore that. I think it's great. I'm just going to make a list of kind of talking points that we may have to circle back to. So can you give me an example of, you know, can you just tell us a little bit about what kind of day you were having or maybe like, you know, let's gather some data about an example of each of those days. Okay.

So, I think the data. that I was having that day was there was a lot of frustration about things that had nothing to do with any comments or anything like that. It was just one thing after another, after another, after another. And then when I do finally,

like after this stuff's already happening, I go on Twitter and somebody had, do you watch basketball? Or do you watch sports? Yeah, I mean, I don't watch basketball now, but I... Yeah, I know LeBron. Okay, you know LeBron.

Yeah. So I've been a huge LeBron fan since, man, since I was a little... Probably like, I'm 26 now, so maybe... Maybe I was like 13 years old or something? 13 years? I don't know. But I've been a big fan for a while. And so, but what people love to do is, you know, a part of trolling me is whatever I,

enjoy or whatever I show interest in, whatever I hype up or anything, they try to just shoot it down. You know what I mean? And it's, yeah, I know, it's, I've been getting trolled like this for a while. So, you know, LeBron has a bad game or something or the

Lakers lose or something. My Twitter mentions are all just like, oh, like LeBron's ass and, you know, you know, basically just talking shit and just And then so I kind of like responded to one guy and I was like, you know, I basically just disagree with them. And then I just got hit with like 300 replies of just ever, just like saying the craziest stuff to me. And it just, it became like it wasn't even saying things about LeBron.

It was just saying stuff to just get to me. And on other days where. What did you say? What were they saying? Oh, my God. I mean, can I say anything? I don't want to say, you know, can I curse on here? Yeah, I think so.

Just nothing against TOS. Okay, yeah, I won't go to it. Okay, well, basically, no. It was just a lot of just, you know, insulting me, insulting my intelligence, insulting just me as a person, insulting LeBron, whatever. And like I said, other days, people talk shit about LeBron. all the time. Like that doesn't affect me. Like I see it all the time. But like I said, it was just one of those days where this was just like another thing added on to it. And it was like,

yeah, I was basically going back and forth with people. And I just felt like more people were supporting like the dudes coming at me than like me. So that just made me just more mad. But look, in retrospect, on a different day where I'm in a really good mood, I just, I look at it like, okay, it's Twitter trolls, just, you know, messy with me. So that's the difference. Yeah. So I here's, I'm going to tunnel down, okay, a little bit. So one is you said you felt like there were more people, you know, attacking you than defending you. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. So, so the first thing that I think you used a really good word there, which is felt. So we'll, we'll dig into like, what is that feeling? The second thing that that I want to highlight is that, you know, we're kind of focusing on a lot of the details of this Twitter stuff. But you actually started off this, this story with sort of saying there were several things that were unrelated I was frustrated about. You made to tell you like the main one or something? Sure. Well, I mean, I think like, let's,

acknowledge that like when you entered the Twitter arena, your inventory was already full. Like you're very close to being encumbered. Yeah, yeah. Right? So I think that's going to be a big part of it. So can you tell? And by the way, I know sometimes we have like a call ahead of time about like boundary setting and stuff.

So if there's anything that I ask you that you feel is like not appropriate or out of line or you don't want to share, you just let me know, okay? You can ask me anything. I'm an open book. what's happened is this happened a few weeks ago and this is when I started getting upset more and more someone had bodied my Twitch account

with a bunch of followers they bought it like 2 million followers or something and since then there's been this weird thing happening with Twitch with sending out like notifications people not even getting notification for my stream anymore. And so, you know, it was just happening every single day. And it would be like, you know, like I follow your stream.

You went live. I got notification. I was going live. People wouldn't know about it for like 15 minutes. And then other people would join really late and be like, oh, I didn't even know you were alive. What's going on? So it was just, it's like a thing where it's like, I feel like I have no control over it. It was just really frustrating.

And then, yeah. It was just making everything else bad. Yeah, sure. It sounds like it sucks, man. Yeah. So let's just be a little bit clear. What was it that you had no control over? I mean, like the technology of Twitch or so.

I don't know. Sure, sure. So that in a practical sense, obviously, you have no control over, you know, Twitter. And the guy who decided to bought me, you know, some random guy. You know, let me think about how to ask this, Loss. And this is going to be like a crappy question. So I apologize if it doesn't make sense. But when we think about those things, obviously you don't have control over those.

But in those moments, what I'm envisioning is those two events took something away from you. Yeah. Yeah. What did they take away from you? Well, it just felt like, man, I've been streaming for almost six years on this platform. and you know we're trying to handle it now I've been talking to some people at Twitch but yeah it just felt like damn

like I worked all these years like hard work to just wow it could be like taken away in some way not fully but like yeah in some capacity you know and it just made me start to think like wow what if I got banned or something or what if you know everyone lost their notifications but like it just I don't know it just gives you bad thoughts

you know, because I really care about it a lot. So that's why I was making me feel like that. What do you, what do you care about a lot? I care about my stream and my, you know, community and, and, you know, growing and, you know, in general, you know. Yeah. So what do you like about your stream? Why do you care about your stream? They, you know, they, they, they, it's kind of, like, they have my back, even though I just said that whole story about them not have my back, but that was like Twitter trolls about basketball.

In the, for the most part, no, they just, they, they have my back and they, they show so much, you know, love and support. So just the idea of like potentially losing, even like 1% of that just really upset me. Sure. Yeah. Can I think for a second, Lowe's? Yeah, go ahead. Who were you six years ago? I don't know how to, let me, let me think.

Oh, no. Six years ago, I didn't really use the internet like that. I would watch like occasional YouTube prank, prank videos or something. I didn't really use the internet. People weren't really streaming. I was going to school and I was working at a hospital. and then yeah I just I I found Twitch one day and you know I've loved it ever since

you know what do you what do you love about Twitch I just love the the the I have a lot of like YouTube friends and I compare it to like YouTube is cool but like the thing with streaming is like the instant reaction and instant like you know feedback from people it's just it feels more like together so um yeah i i like i like the the live aspect of streaming sure and what kind of stuff do you stream los um i stream all kinds of stuff i've done a bunch

of stuff over the years like i do a lot of just chatting now um i do different games i'm pretty much all over place. I don't have like a set thing. It's more variety. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. So let me just and when you said like you were kind of feeling like back to the depression again, I recognize and appreciate kind of your desire to be sort of compassionate and sort of not claim that you have kind of, you know, you go through maybe the same struggles that other people, clinical depression go through. And at the same time, I mean, I think that, you know, you're allowed to be depressed just because no one diagnosed you, right? You're allowed to have a bad day and feel down in the dumps. Yeah. And I just wouldn't want to call me having a bad day,

like what people go through just on a daily basis without even anything frustrating them. Sure. You know, so that's why I wanted to say that. Can you, can you help me understand when you said back to the depression what you, what that felt like to you or what you call, because you said back to the depression. So what I'm hearing there is that like, you know, it's a place where you have, you've been before. It's a place. It's a place I've gone before. Tell me about that place. It's just not a good place. Like, it's just the worst feelings. You know what I mean? And it's, it literally just affects my mood. It affects like how I talk to people or like interact with people or how so i i get really like a short like like um i get like a temper almost or like a

like i lose patience easily um so like someone can say the most innocent question to me or and i could like get offended by it or so like you know what i mean so it's just like an overall bad mood and i'm just like not feeling good and yeah and what what is it like what is it that you're mind tells you in those moments where someone's like behaving innocently towards you and and your mind like turns it into something else. I think it's I'm I'm so annoyed that like just anything, even if it is the most innocent thing, it's just I can't handle any more in that moment. Like I'm too too much stuff is just going on in my head where I'm like, I can't and talk to talk to you. I can't. I'm with you. So, so you're encumbered. Got too much.

in your inventory. Yeah, I don't know that word, but yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, sorry. It's like an RPG gaming term where, um, so like in, you know, an RPG is like you've got your inventory. It's got like 30 slots. And then what happens is if you have like too much weight in your inventory, then you like walk

slow, you know, so it's kind of like, it means that you're like, you're carrying too much and you don't have space for anything else. That's really what I'm hearing from you. Yeah. And they have no bad intention. Yeah. It's just me, you know, in that moment. You just can't handle whatever, even if it's not, you know, if my inventory is full,

even if someone wants to give me like a piece of pie, like I can't hold anymore. Like, I don't have room for your pie. I understand you're trying to be nice, but I don't want your pie, you know? It's perfect, perfect analogy. And so what is in your mind that you don't have room for anything else? Do you remember? Well, if I'm thinking on those moments, it is like a level of like, worry, I think.

Okay. Because like I said, you know, the, the, it's just going to go back to normal, like, the way my Twitch is operated for five plus years. Just like the doubt and the just worrying and hope of that particular situation. Yeah. And what, what, where are you afraid of going to? Like, so what I'm, when I hear worry, you're like, is it going to go back to normal if it doesn't go back to normal.

I imagine that your mind kind of like project something sort of nebulous or maybe it's even a feeling of where would you return to if things did not go well? It might be like and I think this is an irrational fear, but just like, oh, I have to like restart or like all these years I put into it, like what if that was for nothing? just that kind of that kind of feeling. What makes you think that's irrational? I think it's irrational because if I take a step back and I think about it, like I have all these people who love and support me.

So like if something happened on my notification, like that wouldn't be the end of the world. Sure. I just, the fear was like more casual people or people who maybe they don't have Twitters and they don't know. when I go live or, you know what I mean? Like, um, just kind of the casual viewer. Because I've, I've been, personally, I've been like subscribed to a YouTuber and then

gotten like unsub from them or I don't see their videos anymore. And you kind of just like forget up, you like forget almost, you know, if you're not like a huge fan of them and go seek them out. Um, so that was like, that's like the fear of like you, you, oh, wow, no one's getting notifications. Like, what are people going to just forget? Like, um. So that was, that's, yeah.

Have you been forgotten before? I'm sure. I'm sure from some people. I mean, I can't really, I don't know the answer to that. Okay. I've never felt forgotten before during doing this Twitch stuff. What about before Twitch? I don't know.

I don't know. Maybe some friendships. Maybe. Okay. Maybe. That's the only thing I really think of it. So, Lose, I'm going to go ahead and just pause for a second and kind of like, repeat back to you what I'm hearing and how I'm thinking about this conversation.

And then I'd love to hear from you whether you think like we're kind of, whether it's accurate, whether it feels like it's moving in the right direction. Okay. So the first thing is that, you know, you were relatively new to the internet six years ago. You discovered Twitch. You'd been following YouTubers and other content creators. It sounds like you started streaming. You really, really appreciate kind of like the live interaction, the kind of feedback. You know, it's not like you're just watching this thing that like is sitting on a shelf in the YouTube, you know, data center that will always exist there until the end of time. It's like there's real people there. And what I'm hearing from you is that like you've really come to appreciate. You're not like

really streaming for you. What I'm really feeling is that it's not really about a particular game or a particular kind of thing. You know, some streamers like have their thing. Like I have like, a thing that I stream for, right? Like, I'm like a one trick pony. And what I hear from you is that for you, it's really about like the community and that like you've built a group of people that you really enjoy interacting with.

I would imagine you support them quite a bit. It sounds like they certainly support you quite a bit. Yeah. And then sometimes what happens is like, things will start to happen and you'll kind of get frustrated. And what I'm hearing is that frustration is sort of built on kind of a loss of control. And this is going to be kind of an important nuance because I don't think it's a lack of control.

I think it's a loss of control. And that you've sort of worked really hard to get to where you are. You know, and the thought of like losing something being forgotten, the thought of like building something up and having that taken away from you. And I think that's kind of like a subtle theme that I'm hearing here is that it's not about the lack of something. it's like I'm going to put all my energy and effort into building this stream, building this community, and then it's going to get like, I'm going to lose it. And those kinds of thoughts are kind of floating around in your head. And I'm also hearing that you actually handle those thoughts pretty well. I know it sounds weird, but like that you can manage that.

You recognize that you're feeling down. You're feeling frustrated. You have a short temper. Those thoughts kind of occupy your space, but you can hold them, right? Like you can handle that. And then it's really like this additional stuff piled on top that really feels too much. Whether it's other conversations, whether it's Twitter trolls, I'm really kind of getting this sense of like straw that broke the camel's back where like you can handle a lot of frustration, but then you kind of reach your breaking point. And then I think this kind of goes back to your original question, which is why is it that some days the Twitter Twitter trolls bother me in some.

days they don't. What I'm sort of hearing from you is it kind of depends on how much you're carrying at the start of that day. Yeah. Yeah. That's and one thing I, before I lose, before I, I don't want to get off the train of thought, but I might lose this. When I said back to depression, the thought of like losing or whatever recently, well, not recently, but before that, like months ago, I had like the, you know, when the DMCA stuff was happening. I got two DMCA strikes. I had to delete everything. I couldn't play music anymore.

So that was like the first time I started feeling like that, the thought of like, oh, wow, like it could actually, like I could be banned or I could actually lose that for real. So when this thing happened, it just brought me back to that same kind of feeling. So that's, I think that's where like I just wrote back to the. depression, that's, I think, the back too. Ah. Yeah.

That's really important. Yeah. So what I'm almost hearing Loss there is that you sort of had a traumatic experience and you're almost like, it's almost like a, I know this word gets tossed around a lot, but it almost feels to me like a trigger. Could be. Yeah. So let me explain to you what I mean by trigger, which I mean, I think the word gets tossed

around. So, you know, when I work with like veterans, so I worked with veterans like that were in the Iraq and Afghanistan war. And so like they have particular experiences that make them feel a certain way. Like, you know, they like someone detonates a bomb, for example. And then what happens is they'll be like walking down the parking lot of a Home Depot. And then they'll hear like a truck muffler kind of go bang. And what happens is like that. experience opens up this door in their mind where a flood of emotions, feelings, memories, worries, then suddenly comes out. And it occupies their mind.

And it's kind of like they're transported back there. This is the idea of a flashback in PTSD. Yeah. And then like when they're in that state of mind, they also feel like their mood is heavily affected. They have a short temper, you know, all kinds of other things. But in the other interesting thing that, you know, it's really interesting to hear you say that because the other interesting thing, if you really look at PTSD, I'm not saying you have PTSD. I'm just talking about sort of that as an extreme case. I don't want to compare my Twitch problems to like, yeah. So I'll explain what I mean by that, by the comparison and why it's important to make. But what I'm hearing is a similar pattern, but a very different intensity. Right. But like the fundamental neuroscience of our brain.

sort of recalling up relevant emotions happens to all of us. Right? So you can experience trauma and not have PTSD. PTSD is a clinical condition, but all of us can be traumatized. And whether it turns into a full-blown clinical illness is like a separate thing. But, you know, the mechanism of trauma in your mind is the same as the mechanism of trauma in someone with PTSD. it's the size of the trauma that results in PTSD versus not PTSD. Does that make sense?

But what I'm still hearing you say is that like it actually sounds to me like you had sort of a traumatic experience around the DMCA stuff. And then it's like these moments are kind of transporting you back to like I could lose it all. Yeah. Yeah. That's like worst case scenario, you know, mindset. Would you say? that this issue of sort of being really frustrated and things bothering you, does that predate the DMCA stuff or has that been since the DMCA stuff?

If we're just going strictly off of how I feel with Twitch, I think I've been like suspended before, but I've never really had that, like, it was always like 24 hours or something like that I never really had the feelings that I do about this and the DMCA. So I think the DMCA was the first time where I was like, wow. Because I had to delete all my clips from my Twitch. And that's like memories I want to, you know, show my kids one day or something. You know what I mean? Or just always have to look back at it.

Yeah. So it was just like. What did you lose during the DMCA thing? well i was getting i was getting strikes from like old clips from like 2017 stuff like that so the the the solution that was being given to all the streamers was yeah delete all your twitch and all your clips and bods um so i did i did it because i was like all right well these are memories but i'd rather not lose my entire channel um so i had to make that decision but, you know, and then even after that decision, it's like, okay, well, now you got to worry about

you can't play anything copyright in your stream because then three strikes are out, like you'll get permaband. So that was just like a constant, you know, stressful thing too. So, yeah, that's, those are just two things I've dealt with on the Twitch side. So from a DMCA standpoint, I mean, I understand you had to delete those VODs. and clips and whatnot. But I'm going to kind of ask you a question again in sort of a slightly different manner. Like, what did you, what did you lose? Right?

So you said memories. Like you talked about showing these potentially to your kids one day. Yeah. I mean, you know, it's, it's just all. It was like I could always look back from where it started. I can go to like, you know, what was I doing in 2018, 2019? scene like I can go through these and now it's really just um you know I just got to hope that there's like clips or videos on YouTube somewhere and you know that's that's that's that's that's that was

um what I lost was that it's all in one place on my channel I could look back people could look back people can go to the beginning you know what's the value of going to the beginning being able to look back oh man I mean the same reason people have people you know people had uh what's it oh what's it called what's it when when it's like an old thing people take pictures and they have like a well i don't know what it's called like a scrapbook maybe i don't know but my mom would yeah like a full album yeah i'm dumb um yeah like you know people make photo albums the same reason people take pictures and videos when they're on vacations or you know, whatever. Like, it's the same thing. It's like, this is my version of that.

You know, my looking back at friends and, you know, even family too. I've had my family on here. Yeah. So it's, you know, the memories just kind of just had to get rid of them to, you know, save the channel. Yeah. Yeah. So, Lose, I'm going to ask you a couple of really hard questions because they're really, really simple and really, really fundamental. And I think you're giving good answers. So I think it's interesting because what I'm hearing from you is that you had to sacrifice your history for your survival. Right? Like you had to give up.

Like, you know, we all care about like albums and where we came from in our journey. And that's like an important part of who we are. And what I'm hearing you say is that you really had to like accent. You know? Yeah. Yeah. What did it feel like to do that? Um, it was really just a sad feeling.

It was just sad. Like, you know, I didn't cry or anything like crazy. I just was just really upset about it. And it kind of happened really quick because I got one strike and I didn't really think anything. I was like, all right, everyone gets like a strike. But then like I got a second. one. I was like, oh my God, like I got to act now, you know? So it was kind of just like, I just, it was like, do or die type day. So yeah, I just had to do it. And yeah, it just didn't feel good. And I don't know. And then just looking at my channel after that, it just like felt weird because, you know how like you can click your top clips. And it shows like it'll be like a clip from last year, two years, whatever. I just had none of that. So I just, I don't know. I just felt, it just felt different for the first.

first time in like years of streaming. Yeah. So I'm noticing you're using words like sad, weird, and different. So what we're going to try to do is, is, you know, especially as men, and especially on platforms like Twitch, like we don't have a very, like we're not really taught good emotional vocabulary. So if it's okay with you, Lowe, so I'm going to try to toss out a couple of words and maybe we can explore what is weird and different. Go ahead. Is that okay? So the first thing is, you know, I had a patient once who was kind of telling me about like furniture that got repossessed from their house. And like that sounds kind of weird. But what I'm hearing from you kind of reminds me of that conversation where it was like, I remember talking to that person.

It's like the creditors came in and like this is their home, right? This is what they had like built up and accrued. And like one day people showed up and they started like unplugging televisions and like take. taking them out of the house. Oh, my God. And they started taking like furniture. And it's awful. It's awful.

And I know that you're very sensitive about making comparisons about, you know, how bad you have it versus how bad other people have it. And I respect that. We'll get to that maybe. But what I'm sort of, what I'm sort of envisioning is like when you look at your top clips and it's like it's all empty, it actually reminds me that conversation that I had with that person years ago about like you sort of, you know, walk into your, this space. that you spent six years of your life, like, creating these moments and, like, someone has come in and, like, like, they're, like, movers are coming in and, like, you're, like, deleting these clips and it feels empty. Like, what I'm hearing is really a feeling of emptiness and loss. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Is that how you feel? Yeah, it's how I feel. And, um, you know, a lot of people were like, oh, you could, like, save clips and stuff. And, like, I saved a few clips. But, I mean, We're talking about like terabytes worth of, you know, data or whatever, clips, whatever. So I just, I didn't have that luxury. I just had to just delete. So it's, but even if I could save all of them, I was still in a way feel the same way. Because it's just, it's not out there for anyone to look at or like right where it was.

I'd have to like go into like files on the computer and like look at like I don't know like just like random dates or something. It's just it's different. It's just different. So yeah, that's. Yeah. I'm hearing that those clips don't just exist for you. Yeah. They're not just for me. It's not just for me.

Those are moments that you had with your community that are that are sort of important for them and like important to be shared and things like that. That's six years of classic funny moments, just, you know, just things that, yeah, in the moment. And I don't know. Yeah, they're just, they're gone. How does it feel talking about this? Dude, like, it kind of sucks. Like, now I'm thinking about it more. Like, damn.

Yeah. Like, I've been kind of like just trying to, like, pretend that that didn't happen. But, I mean, you know, in the reality, it did. and I think this might sound kind of messed up but like I feel like if every single streamer if this happened to everyone, it'd be like oh damn, okay, like we're all in this together type thing.

Like everyone had to delete everything. But like I see all these people who, you know, this didn't happen to them. And, you know, people have always been playing music and stuff like that. So I know that sounds kind of messed up because I'm like, I don't wish this on anyone. But I'm just like I feel like I would, you know,

know, me and then other people were like the ones that, you know, had to pay for this. And, you know, other people, it didn't affect them. And it's like, I don't know. I don't know if that's like a way to look at it, but I'm just like, damn, like, you know, why couldn't I get lucky? You know what I mean? Sure. And not have it happen to me.

So, yeah. So here's what I'm hearing. And I'm glad, Loss, I'm really glad you shared that because I see where you're coming from in terms of like, I'm definitely not hearing from you that you wish that other people had gotten screwed to. What I'm really hearing from you is, is that you actually kind of feel like alone and isolated, you know, and that you sort of don't have someone to go through this with. What do you think? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I've seen other streamers that they had to do this, but it's it's people I don't even know.

It's like a few people that I've even seen like on Twitter or something. But people that I'm close with and other streamers that I really know, like that really didn't, this didn't even affect them. Yeah. So what's it like to have, you know, people that you're close with not be able to understand what you're going through, not being able to talk about it with them? Oh, man.

Well, yeah, that's something I've dealt with for, a while because, you know, up until recently, kind of streaming and YouTube internet type stuff was kind of taboo, not taboo, but like, kind of like, people didn't really understand it or even want to understand it. So a lot of problems I would have are like issues or things I'd feel because of the stream or I wouldn't even be able to like talk to people about this, to be honest. A select few of my friends knew about it. Now it's getting different, more people are getting into it. But yeah, it's kind of that same feeling of when I first was streaming and not really having anyone to like talk to about like these like kind of intricate weird

things that. Yeah. It's not, you know, it's not like a well-known thing yet. Yeah. I can see why the community and like the love and support of the community and the connection with the community can feel so valuable to you because it sounds like, you know, you've been actually kind of isolated or isolation isn't anything new to you. Let me put it that way. Yeah, yeah. I've dealt with isolation. Yeah. I'm kind of curious about that, but I just want to toss one thing out there. So I, you know, I asked you like, how does it feel talking about this? And you were like, kind of sucks. And so let me just explain for a second. So I think that that unfortunately is how it is.

And I think actually that's what healing looks like. So in my experience, when we have something really difficult happen to us, what our mind tries to do is push it away. And then what happens is like we find, and that actually is sort of the answer to your first question, which is, you know, why do I have some days where it's things bother me and other days where things don't, it's because you're carrying around all of this stuff and you're subconscious. And so you're kind of at capacity, your arms are full. And then like, you're not really consciously aware of it because you've actually purposely blocked it away, right? You try to ignore it. You try to pretend it's not there. You try not to think about it because anytime you think about it, you just get sad. And so as we push those emotions into our subconscious,

what they do is shorten our fuse. They shorten our conscious views because a lot of that fuse is being taken up by our subconscious. Does that kind of make sense? Interesting. Right? So like we're shoving it all to the side, but we're still carrying it. Mm-hmm. And so the process of healing is actually bringing it into our conscious mind, sitting with those feelings, feeling with those feelings, and then like letting them go.

And then the cool thing is that, like, as you suffer that pain here and now, we're going to metabolize it. We're going to digest it. And then, like, if you do this for a little while, you'll start snapping at people less. Yeah, that's good. But I think the downside is that, like, you know, you've, it sounds kind of weird, but you've signed yourself up for a certain amount of hurt. And so what we can do is try to process that hurt in sort of as healthy and minimal of a manner as possible. But you have to work through that energy. It's kind of like this weird karmic sort of thing.

Okay. Right? When you like when you've built something for six years and you have to like go through and fucking delete it so that no one can ever see it again. Like you can't just, you know, there's like there's a price. There's an emotional price that you've got to pay. And we can try to make it. Yeah. And I felt like this might sound really traumatic and I'm not trying to, again, the comparisons.

But I feel like there was no mourning period. If that makes sense, I'm not trying to compare again, anyone who's lost someone or any, you know, any pad or anything. You guys say that word? Where is it? It's grief. Can you see it? I don't know. I don't know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. right so i think that's what we're talking about yeah because i feel like it happened and then it was like you know when the people come to my stream they want to you know they just want to be entertained and you know they don't want to talk about you know like sad things like oh i'll never be able to see the clip from three years ago that i loved there's you know what i mean so like i would i just had to like after that just snap into like okay now i got to just stream and act like everything's fun meanwhile uh all the clips are gone i can't play any music music, which I've been playing for years on the stream.

It's a big, you know, music is a huge part of my life and a lot of people's life. So it's just, and then I had to like be, you know, in stream mode, entertainment mode. And I think, I think I had some streams where I was kind of out of it because of that, I think. And yeah, because there was no really mourning or anything like that. People just like, oh, that sucks. But like, all right, entertain. Entertain now, you know? Dance, monkey, dance.

Yeah, yeah, which they don't mean that. Listen, you guys in the chat, like, I know, they don't mean it. They just, that's what they, you know, they want to be entertained. Yeah. Well. When they come on the street. So I know it sounds kind of weird, but I think that the biggest person who's telling you to do that is not your chat. It's you.

Hmm. You think? Yeah. Right? Because when you say you didn't have time to mourn, who wouldn't let you mourn? That is true. That is true. But then, so why is that then?

You know, like why? I don't know. Why did I not want to mourn or I don't know? Well, I think a couple of things, right? So here's what I would say. One is that you tried to push it away because it hurt to sit with it, which is a completely normal thing. So no one wants to mourn.

It's just, we have to. Second thing is that. that I can imagine that, you know, when your channel takes a hit, you have a voice inside you, which is responsible for your success, which is basically telling you to dance monkey dance. And on some days, you know, it's, I mean, we all carry it. Like, I have it too. Mm-hmm. Today is actually one of those days. Oh, no. And so, but like, that's, that's, it's what we sign up for, right? It's like, there's like, it's, commitment that we make. It's like, and it's not just streamers. Like, we all, like, a lot of times

our harshest, harshest critics are the people who don't cut us slack is ourselves. True. Like, it's really fascinating and really sad that, like, you know, you'll cut slack to your friends. Like, if your friends have a bad day, if they get fired, if they get dumped, you know, there's other fish in the sea, like, you know, you'll be okay. Like, you're a good guy. But, like, when you get dumped, like, what does your mind tell you? Exactly. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And so, because I, I hear you. It sounds like your community is awesome and super supportive and they like care about you a lot. But like you hold yourself to a standard. And when your channel gets a hit and your mind starts telling you, you know, this could be the beginning of the end. That's when you're like, I don't get to more. I don't take a break. I just lost all my clips. I can't lose being high energy on stream too. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. I was going to say something and I completely forgot.

Totally fine. I mean, actually, I'm going to have a notepad so I can remember something. All right. Yeah, so I think, what was I going to say? I'll come back to it. I'll try to remember it. But yeah, we can keep going. Yeah, no, I think those are great points.

I think those are great points. And it's like I don't even. What you're saying, I don't even think about that. You know, like, it's just like, okay, I turn on the stream. I got to stream. It's like, it's just like instinctual now. When I turn on stream, I got to be, you know, a certain way. Yeah.

Yeah. So that's. Yeah. So you kind of say instinctual. I would toss out a slightly different word. I would say habitual. Habitual. Okay.

Yeah. Right. And I think because that's what you've trained yourself to do. And I think so this is where like, I think part of the reason that, you know, we, we have talks like this lois is because I think that like it's my belief that actually the most successful lois and and the the loess that your chat kind of, I mean, they love you in all in all of your dimensions. But I think that like what we come here to do organically on Twitch happens the best when you're the healthiest and happiest. and part of that involves learning how to break some of these habits and learning how to take time for yourself learning how to sit with some of that negativity processing some of that negativity yeah and as you work through that stuff i think that like basically stuff will slip under the arm or less

yeah you know what i feel that a lot with is when when i am like when i'm like working out all time eating good and stuff and I'm feeling good. I feel amazing on stream. But I recently got like a back injury, so I haven't been able to really work out. I've just been like kind of like, I've been like lazy on all the like, you know, the eating good and all this stuff. So like there'll just be days when, you know, like if you eat bad and like you just feel bad some days.

I know people in the shack and relate to that. Like that'll be another thing that kind of like will just, it'll just. it'll just make me mad. Am I even mad about, like, comments? It's like me being, like, mad at myself about, like, oh, well, you could have easily just eaten good today or worked out today and you would have feel great,

but you decide to eat a burger. You know what I mean? So that's, like, this similar thing to, like, having frustration build up. That's, like, something else. In that day, I was also, feeling that too. I remember. So it was literally like,

everything possible happened in one day. Yep. So, yeah. So it sounds like you beat yourself up. I was completely beating myself up. My girlfriend was like, why are you doing, like, why are you, you know, being like so hard on yourself? And I was just like, oh, you don't understand. Like, whatever.

Tell us what your mind was telling you that she didn't understand. I just think it was, it's kind of like, even if I try to explain in grave detail, I just feel like there's no way to explain how much like the stream and this stuff like means to me. You know what I mean? I feel like I could go on for 30 minutes trying to explain it,

but it would really, it wouldn't really do it justice. Yeah. So here's what I'm hearing. No matter how hard you try, no one will be able to understand. Why don't have to get that deep, though? Like, I don't, is it that deep? I don't know. Is that what the feeling is?

I mean, I think for this particular thing, I think. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah. So, so Loss, let's learn how to be non-judgmental with our feelings, okay? Like, I asked that question, you're like, fuck. Like, why does it have to be? Like, if that's what you feel, like, let's call it what it is, bro. Like, then we can work on it.

Okay. Yeah, I'm down. I'm down. And so here's how, so like, I know this is going to sound kind of weird. Maybe we can ask chat because this is sort of a read my mind question. And I'm just going to throw you some real, you know, curve balls here, fastballs, etc. I'm down. So, like, what is the word that we use to describe someone who, no matter how hard they explain, no one will be able to. understand.

Misunderstood? That's a good one, not the one that I was thinking of, but that's actually probably a more accurate term. Okay. Right? So I'm not hearing that you're misunderstood, subtly. Like, it's not that you're misunderstood. It's not that she understands one thing and that's the wrong thing.

It's that she can't understand, right? She's never going to be able to understand. Yeah. And so what I'm really hearing there is like you're alone. I think alone with, I think it goes back to what we were saying about, like, those feelings about having people to relate to them. So it's like, she doesn't do any of this. She's not a streamer. She's not in that world, you know?

So if I'm talking to her about this or she, she's like, oh, what's wrong? It's like, I just feel like there's no real, like, point to, like, explain the whole. I don't know. I don't know. That sounds kind of messed up saying it out loud, but. Don't judge. Just say it. We'll work through it.

No, yeah. I just feel like, you know, it's, it's something that I can't, I can't explain. It's, I don't know. I don't know what it is. I don't know how to describe it. That's what you're, that's what you're, I don't. I don't know. I don't know.

You're damn right. That's what I'm here for. So I think you're doing a great job, Loz. I think you're describing it way better than you think you are. Okay. So I think this is a confusing thing. Oh, shit. This is going to be weird.

But you're actually describing it very well. But remember that there's a voice in your head telling you that no one can understand. Okay. So you think that you're not describing it well. Yeah. But the very very. voice in your head tells you no one can understand so like you can't describe it properly. Do you see that?

Yeah. Even now it's acting in this conversation where you feel like your words are insufficient to convey what you're going through. Why is that? Brilliant questions, bro. Right? So this is where like now we get to. like answers, okay?

So tell me what it was like when you started streaming and people didn't understand what you did. Oh, man, I had a lot of, I had my best friend at one point. And my cousin, I remember, I'll never forget this. It was, I think I had been streaming for like maybe a year. And they, and we were in a pizzeria. And they were like, what are you doing with this like? Because I wouldn't, I would stay in most nights and stream.

A lot of people would be going out, doing stuff. And I'd stay in. I, you know, what are you doing with this? Like, this is going to die in like a year or two. Like, you need to like, you know, you know, focus on, you know, what's important and stuff like that. So a lot of people who weren't in the streaming or YouTube internet world, whatever, they just didn't understand it. So and then and then it would be like, you know, I have a girlfriend now, but before her, any girl who I would talk to, it was almost impossible like trying to get them to understand like what exactly, you know, I did to the point where I would even, I would just lie at that point and just be like, yeah, no, I do stocks online.

I'm like a, I'm a day trader. I would just say I'm into like technology. I do like stuff on the computers because it was just too like I don't feel like explaining this whole thing every time I meet. You know what I mean? Now I do feel like it's getting more well known. But I just think, yeah, there was there was a long period of time where it was just like, you know, not a lot of people really understood.

So Lois, it's not that a lot of people didn't understand. what I'm hearing this is why I want you to think about what does it do to someone when the closest people to them don't understand can't understand

won't understand won't try to understand I think it's something where it's like you want to you want to relate with the people your closest with

about like you know everything I think you know so if you can't relate about a major thing in your life, it kind of makes like a separation. Yep. Or like, yeah, puts up like a little, little wall or something. Yeah.

Is that how you feel? Is that how you felt when you got DMCA'd and your close streamer felt friends didn't? Yeah. Yeah. It's that same wall. It was the same like just alone, just damn, you know? And uh, tell me more.

What's the feeling? Just damn like this, you know, this sucks. This sucks. I wish this didn't happen to me, you know? That kind of feeling. What did you wish? I mean, just that it didn't happen, you know? Yeah.

And I think this is where we get to some of the things where, you know, this is going to sound kind of messed up. I'm going to repeat back some of your words. But like, in a weird way, like you wish that it happened to them too. Like, not. because you wanted them to hurt them, but you wish that there was someone out there that could understand

that could get over that wall. It was on your side of the wall. If this happened on one of my close streamer friends or someone, even someone I remotely knew, I'm sure we would have had like, you know, conversation about this and that would have probably helped, you know? Yeah.

Something like that. I'm sure we would have many conversations. And, but that just didn't happen. And I just felt like, damn, like, I just see everyone, like, having so much fun. Like, like, business as usual, nothing happened. And then I'm just over here like, damn, you know. Yeah. You know, my whole stream just changed in a heartbeat, you know.

So I want to kind of go back to, you know, people are curious about where a lot of our psychological patterns come from. you kind of said, I'll never forget dot, dot, dot. Like you said, it was like y'all were in a pizzeria with your best friend and one of your other friends. Like, you'll never forget that moment. I'll never forget it because they actually now, to this day, they brought that back up. Like, wow, remember when we said, we said that and, you know, now look at you. And how does that conversation go? That conversation was just like, you know,

I'll kind of sometimes be like, I told you, like, I wouldn't be wasting my time doing something I didn't believe in or, you know, stuff like that. How do you feel, this is hard question, Lois, how do you feel when they say, remember that conversation in the pizzeria? I feel proud that it didn't go that way. Yep. That they thought, there you go. I feel a sense of accomplishment.

Mm-hmm. Now, this is where I get to be an arrogant prick. Okay, because I'm going to assume for most of the time I listen and I'm like, oh, Lois, how do you feel, bro? Tell me your feelings. This is where I'm going to tell you how I think you feel. And if you say you don't feel this way, I'd say you're in denial. Okay, let's go. I think you feel pissed. Elaborate. Well, because like, it's not just about pride and accomplishment, right? It's like, you fuckers, like, I was trying to explain this to you back. and I needed y'all to understand. And like, now you guys are joking about it. But, like, that conversation wasn't funny. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I agree.

Because I do remember in that moment being like, damn, like, you know, I would hope, I would, I would wish one of my best friends my cousin would believe in me. You know what I mean? But in that moment, I didn't have that support. Yep. Yeah. And so then, sure, like, I get that there's this. God, I'm not trying to say damn this much. It's just, honestly, my reaction is, Dan.

That's just my reaction to a lot of things. Ignore chat. Yeah, guys. So, like, this is where, like, I think we've got to be, like, this is part of that processing, right? Because, like, here's what I'm hearing. Like, it sort of makes sense. You're kind of like, macho, these are your bros. And you're like, I showed you, bitches.

You know? I was right all along. Like, I get that. But there's like a subtle underside to that coin, which is like when I needed y'all to believe in me. Like, sure, I showed you that you were wrong, but like, it's not a competition where you show them who's wrong. Like, they're joking about it and they're like, you see how stupid we were.

Like, I get that there's value there, but there's like a subtle other thing, which is like, I don't need you to believe in me now. Like, I have three million followers on Twitch. What I needed you to do was believe in me back then. Yeah. What do you think about that? I think that I wasn't even, I don't think that I even thought I had that feeling until you kind of just said that. And it's kind of like in my head is like, yeah, it would have felt a lot better back then when I was trying to do this to have more people, you know, support and understand it.

Yeah. I had another friend who kind of just like roasted this whole thing. And now, you know, they recently visited my new house. And they're like, this is from the streaming. I'm like, yeah. And now, now they're so interested. I'm getting 100 questions about it now.

But, you know, back then it was a different thing. It was like, yo, why aren't you coming out? Like, why aren't you coming out tonight? And, yeah, so. But, you know, I don't think I'm pissed. I don't think I'm pissed. I think it would have been nice to have more support, but I'm glad the way for the most part things worked out, you know? Yeah.

So, Lois, I think that's an incredibly mature way of looking at it. You know, I commend you for being a better human than I. And at the same time, I think that like, you know, if you really want to let some of this stuff go, if you ask me, you ask me the question, like, why does my mind do that? Like, this is the way that you undo it. Because I think there is a part of your mind. Pissed, maybe not. But I think that there's certainly a part of your mind that felt hurt by their lack of faith. For sure. For sure. Right. And oftentimes anger actually has its root in being hurt. And so I think. it's easier to detect for most people, it's easier to detect the anger than it is for them to detect the hurt. But if you're able to follow that anger down to the hurt, it makes sense to me that you're not actively pissed because usually anger masquerades. Like, right? It's like if I get, you know, if my significant other, my girlfriend says something like that is very hurtful to me, like I'm going to get mad at her. Right? It's just like, it's how we respond to being

hurt. Like when you hit me, like, I'm going to hit back. And so I think, I know this sounds really, really bizarre, but like, you know, at some point, it may be worthwhile, like having sort of a conversation where you like let some of this go. And this can sound hard. But like sometimes it's like actually sitting down with those people and saying like, you remember that conversation in the pizzeria? Like I was really trying something new and I wasn't sure of myself, but I thought I was on to something.

And like, I really felt like, you all, you know, you guys were trying to do the best that you could. but at the same time I felt like really hurt and isolated and like I was trying to share this part of my life with you and I needed some help and support and I sort of like didn't get it. And but do you think too that they maybe could have been actually they thought they were looking out for me? Sure. Absolutely. I think they did think they were looking out for you. And that's why you guys need to have a conversation. You can acknowledge that. Like I think I even now, if you go back and watch the bot, I think I said, y'all did the best that you thought. you could and it's still hurt, right? And I think that like acknowledging that is really healthy. You're not necessarily blaming them. What you're doing is like, remember the goal here is not to like blame or fix things. I know it sounds weird, Lowe's, but the goal is to take down down that wall that's between you and other people. And taking down that wall, I'll just kind of give you a

quick example. So I was working with a family actually. So the, the parents have one special needs child and one neurotypical child. And like, what is neurotypical? Like non-special needs, like regular kid. Okay, okay. Okay. So they've got like one kid with, you know, something like autism and one regular kid. And so, you know, like when the kids were growing up, like the parents had to spend a lot more time with like the special needs kid, understandably so.

and like the family couldn't go on vacations and stuff because like the kid couldn't handle a flight. And so, you know, for the other kid, it's like, you know, their family, like, you know, all their friends are going on vacation. Like they're going to summer camp and things like that. And like he like missed out on a lot of opportunities because his parents had to take care of the special needs kid. And it's not like the parents could have done much different. Like maybe they could have done a little bit different. And even the, you know, the normal kid understands that the parents were trying to do their best.

And it's still hurt. Yeah. Right. So there doesn't have to be blame for there to be an acknowledgement of hurt. And having that conversation where he says like, you know, I wish we could have done these things growing up. And I really felt like hurt. And like I feel like I didn't have a regular childhood.

And it's really hard. But having his parents sit with that and say like, yeah, we're sorry that we couldn't do more for you. we probably could have done more and we probably could have done a better job. But both parties sort of acknowledged that like everyone was sort of doing the best that they could. And it wasn't enough. But when it comes to feeling connected, you know, hearing his parents say, like acknowledge that we're sorry we couldn't do more for you and that you deserved more even though we did our best. Yeah.

And that really like helps people like, together. That's true. Yeah, I never really thought to sit down, like actually talk about it with them. But, um, because I'm with me, like, I'm more of like, when it, when it comes to like really, like, like serious or like deep things, I kind of try to approach things in like a casual way. Because I'm like, I don't like being like, all right, let's sit down. Let's, we got to talk.

Like, I don't like being like that. I don't know why. I just, I don't want to be. so serious. But yeah, next time, you know, yeah, I mean,

because like, and this is where like, we can keep going as far back as you want to. We don't, we don't know anything about you before you turn 20. But this is where like, you know, why are you like that?

Probably because there have been experiences in your life that taught you that that's like really hard. Because if we think about it, being really authentic and vulnerable with someone is taking that wall down. Mm-hmm. Right? And so we know why you have the wall now. Like, that wall was really built in that pizzeria, 26 years ago.

Yeah. You know, yeah. Right. Yeah. And then you added more bricks on top during the DMCA thing. For sure. And then if we really think about it, like, we come back to the internet trolls. And, like, in those moments, like, what is it that really bothers you?

It's that like you felt like there were fewer people defending you than attacking you, which once again, I think is like feeling alone. It's like there are so many people coming at me and like where is everyone that is supposed to support me? Yeah. Yeah. It's like. And I know it sounds dumb. Like just, you know, I brought this up on stream in like a rage and people were just like, wow, you're really hurt that like, we don't agree with your basketball take.

And it's just like, it's so much like deeper than that. If you want to look at it like that and be like an asshole about it, then that's cool. But yeah. Yeah. Lo, sorry for interrupting. I really shouldn't do that when you're on a roll. But like, that's exactly it, right? It's like they don't connect with you.

Mm-hmm. It's like they, it's like, holy crap, man. Like, just what you said is like, that's the pizzeria all. over again. I'm not trying to laugh at that. It's just, yeah. No, no, but seriously, it's like you're trying to tell people what your take is and they're like, hey, bro, you really shouldn't be doing it that way.

And like all these trolls on the internet are like, they're not listening to you. They're like listening to like they think it's about LeBron. It's not about LeBron. It's about you. Yeah. And, you know, this, I want to go on here and not get it. so crazy deep. But like there's one thing that is pretty deep that I'll share.

And I don't know. I think I've said this on Shane before. But there was there was a time when I literally put on my wall in my bedroom, I put like believe in me. I know that sounds really corny. But it was at a time in high school where I was, I was playing basketball and I like did bad in a couple classes and like I was like might not be able to play. And I was really.

upset. Like my parents were like mad and upset. And I was just like, no, no, like I'll, you know, I'll fix this or something. And I just was so, I was just like really emotional. And I just like put like believe in me on my wall because I was just like, because I could sense that they kind of like doubted that like I could like turn it around or something. And it was, um, that I think I was like a sophomore in high school. And yeah, they basically said like, yeah, you have to get, you know, do good on like this, this, this, this, all these tests to like get your grade back to passing. And I did it and I accomplished it.

But I just, in that moment, I felt like, damn, like, no one, like, believed in me, you know? So I think when maybe subconsciously when people don't believe in me, like the pizzeria or, you know, like when I'm giving my opinion, I, I'm just like, it's like a frustrating thing, I think. I think it's a frustrating thing when I'm so, when I get like so doubted or so like disagreed with because, I don't know. I don't know why, but that's just. Yeah.

That's just like a thing that's in my head. Yep. I'm with you, bro. Because you didn't write believe in yourself on your wall. No. You wrote Believe in Me. You're talking to someone else. That message was not for you.

It was for other people. Yeah. Yeah. Like I said, I think this starts before you turn 20. So thanks for sharing that. Well, yeah, I was definitely, but yeah, I was like, I think I was like 15 when that happened. Yeah. Thinking more into it, I think, I'm not trying to cut you off.

I think, I think it. it's like a feeling of not wanting to let people down I think can I try to massage that a little bit yeah go ahead

I think the weird thing the weird thing about you was so I think a lot of people don't want to let other people down I think the cool thing about you is that it's not just about letting people down it's actually knowing that you're not going to let them down, but them not being able to see it. Wow. Yeah. Interesting. Interesting.

Is it kind of like a thing like I'll, like I'll show you type of thing or that because that's someone wrong. Well, I mean, that's what you've had to do over and over and over again. Nowhere throughout all of this deep exploration, am I actually hearing you doubt yourself? Yeah, that's, yeah, that's true. That's crazy. Right. It's really interesting. It's really interesting. I don't know you're letting me like just sit in the moment or just knoll it over, but that's,

that's an interesting way to look at it. Yeah, because yeah, I mean, there's, there's just been times of people doubting me, but I, I truly have not doubted,

like myself. I don't know. Maybe I'm just, have blind delusion or have like this like, um, just, I don't devalue it. I'll do whatever it takes type thing.

I don't know. I don't, I don't, I don't know. What, what causes that or what, but yeah, I think I've had to do it a lot in life. Yeah. Interesting. Man, I didn't want to see, I didn't want to check in this deep. You're good, dude. You're good.

I don't, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know what you mean by that. Like, you're saying like, you're good. Like, you're good at what you do. I never thought about people. Because sometimes people say, like, you're good. Like, it's okay. Keep going.

Right? Oh, no, no, no. No, no. Yeah. I couldn't tell if. And then also, like, I didn't want to get this deep. And then I'm confused because I don't know if I should say, I'm sorry or you're welcome.

No. Because both are appropriate. I just, I just don't know. Right. You know? Yeah. And Loas, like, like, so just to be clear, you know, it takes two to tango. right so i can only do

you know what you let me do and like you're the one like you're the one who's like you're the one who's going back right like there are many many times during this conversation where you could have chosen not to go deep but you did you know that's true that's true and and so like the thing is it's like the the way what we're talking about is just unlocking things you know that i don't really think about daily Yeah. So I think that's where I meant like you're good at that.

Yeah. I am something of a LeBron myself. In what way? In doing this. Yeah, yeah. No, yeah. No, for sure. For sure.

It was more trolling. Yeah. It's just too good of a meme to pass up. But yeah. So I think, you know, Losa, like I think there's a certain pacing to this. I mean, if you want to keep. going and unlocking things, I think that's okay. I think we've basically kind of come up for air.

I think you've connected a lot of dots. I am letting you sit with things a little bit more now. Yeah. And I think kind of if you want to, we can talk, kind of come back to the present a little bit and think a little bit about how to, you know, take these revelations and make them a little bit more practical. Okay. Or we can go deeper.

You know, it just sort of depends. I feel like we've sort of broken the tension at this point. But whatever. whatever you want to do, just take the lead and I'll, and I'll try to do my best. So then I, I think I'm getting the sense that while you'd be totally open to go deeper, like maybe we can just kind of pause there from like the deep exploration standpoint and just come back to your original question. Okay. Which is why do I have some days where I kind of get frustrated and stuff like this?

So here's the thing. I think that like now that we've uncovered like this theme, right? And the theme is sort of a sense of isolation that people don't trust you, don't have faith in you. And that, like, you've tried to, at times in your life, like, communicate things to people. And what you needed in that moment was, like, their faith and their trust. And instead, what you got was, like, like, not, I mean, they weren't, like, abusive or anything, right? Like, they weren't, like, mean to you or anything. In fact, they were trying to do their best.

Yeah. And they were trying to do what was right for you. but they really weren't like emotionally kind of giving you what you need. And then even now you guys kind of like joke about it. Like your friends acknowledge that they were dumb back in the pizzeria. But like what you didn't need them to be, you didn't need them to be like smart. What you needed them to be was like there for you. And like believe it.

Like as you put on your wall, believe in me. Like that's what you wanted from that. Yeah. And so now when we kind of think about, you know, what's going to frustrate you, I think it's going to be like when your mind, the thing that bothers you the most and that's really going to like transform the way that your mind looks at the outside world,

like whether you can just laugh with the Twitter trolls because everyone knows like we're all just playing games here. Right. I mean, maybe some people are really trying to be toxic. But I think for, but what happens is when your mind starts to feel like, oh, oh, like, I want this person to believe in me and they're like not believing in me.

That's what I want you to look for. And then that, that core feeling is going to manifest in all kinds of different ways. You're going to have a short temper. You're going to crack jokes. You're going to start putting up walls. Yeah. And then those. That's what I think is like, is, is another question or if this is the original, but why?

like that specifically, why is that bothering me so much more than other things? Like, why is just not, like, believing in me or trusting what I say? Like, why is that, I wish, I wish it didn't. Yeah, I understand. Yeah. So my answer is going to sound kind of weird, but it's sort of like, you know, why does the Iraq veteran respond to the muffler going off instead of a dog barking.

It's because that's the experience that hurt them. Right? So if you think about trauma and PTSD, like, for example, some, you know, like female clients that I've had that have been, like, sexually assaulted, their triggers are going to be different

from the triggers for a war veteran. Okay. So what personally has affected you is what's always going to... Yeah. Either. Yeah. So, like, I have a scar, like a tiny little scar.

I don't know if you guys can see it, but I have a tiny little scar right here. It's barely visible. I have a tiny little scar. Why do I have the scar there? Because that's where I got the bee bite when I was like six years old. Right? A bee? Yeah.

A bee sting. It left a scar? Yeah, it left a scar. Oh, wow. Yeah. So I got a bee sting and it left a scar. But, like, why is the scar there? And so why does this particular thing bother you?

because that's the particular, that's, it's like a psychological scar is the way that you can think about it. Right. And where, what determines where this, you know, what the scar is and where it is,

depends on the injury. And so we can even go back like even further than like sophomore year. Because now what I'm hearing is like, this is some, this is a part of you that has been traumatized in this place. Not just once, but twice, thrice,

four times, five times. six times. And so with each particular injury, like that scar gets thicker and thicker and thicker and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger. And it dominates more of your psychological process. Yeah. I think where it's happened a lot, where I could just think of is maybe not before I stream.

Well, definitely while I've been streaming, it's been, you know, it's been a lot of trolls and a lot just whatever you know whatever I say just like complete doubt like when I say when I'll you know I don't want to bring a basketball again but it's a easy one but just me saying

just like oh I'll beat this guy one on one or something just everyone just completely just doubting it and just being like no like you're bad exactly and like that kind of thing of just like just completely doubting me and stuff.

I don't know. That is, yeah, that just bothers me a lot. Yeah. But then again, it's like, like I said, there's days where a million people could doubt what I'm saying and it won't even affect me. So like, that's where I'm trying to like figure out like what's. Well, so, so I, and that's where I would, we could tunnel down further. But I don't think that a million people.

Oh, actually, maybe here's, maybe here's the thing. because I think your your trigger isn't just doubt of people it's specifically the closest people yeah yeah and then so if it's my viewers and like you know the people who support me the most doing it yeah it almost hurts like a friend in a way it's the same kind of hurt it's a hurt lose that you're very familiar with at this point yeah right and and so I I think as you start to pay attention, like what I want you to do is like on those days where you feel sad, worried, your mood is down, where you're back to that depression that you tweeted about, what I would start with is, is there a part of me that feels like someone should be believing in me and they're

not? And this is where like, I think anger is maybe an easy thing to find because like there's another question that I just have burning in my mind, which is going to be completely out of context. But how many friggin' times do you have to prove yourself before people start believing in you? I think, man, I think that that's a never-ending

journey. I don't think that there's an answer to that. Exactly. Because that that's because the feeling is that they don't have faith in you. Right? Like, do you see that? It's not even true. It's just like as long as that complex, that

little nugget, that no matter, because here's the other like flip side of that is like no matter what you do. If it's a never ending journey, it's a battle you can never, never win. And like just imagine what that's like for you. Like take a step out of your shoes for a moment. What's it like to live a life where like the people that are closest to you will like never have faith in you. Yeah. And I don't, I really don't want to think that no one in here like none of my family or friends, believe that all, I'm just, I was giving you the examples of the ones that didn't. Like, my parents were supportive.

No, no, I, I, so once again, that's why I'm saying, like, let's be non-judgmental because I know that you clearly have a fan base, family, a girlfriend, that friends, streamer friends, that in reality are supportive. But what I'm pointing out to you is that there's this like nugget of hardness in your mind that, like, I ask you this question, how many times do you have to do it before they start believing you? And like, you should go and watch the vaude. You grinned.

And you're like, it feels like it's never going to be enough. Because and I, man, I don't want to do this comparison. Let me think of like you do a different comparison. I'll just put it like this. I'll put it like this. I'll put it like this. I let me preface this by saying I'm not calling myself like anything. Like I'm not comparing myself to these people.

I'm just, I think a reason why I like LeBron is he is. so hated on and like so doubted that I root for him all the time to just prove people wrong. Like, yeah, because I've been a fan of him while everyone was hating him and everyone was, you know, just completely shitting on him doubting him. So that's something I relate to. So in so some people are like, oh, wow, you're getting mad because people insult LeBron. It's like, okay, but like you, dude, you know, bro, bro, bro, you just, you just, you just blew the top off of this Lose.

What do you think? Bro, you just brew the... Because like, what you're doing is you're like going to LeBron's rescue when people are doing to him what they do to you. Because in those moments where everyone is doubting him and he's

alone, Lose is like, F that. I'm not going to let him be alone. And I'm going to believe in him. Y'all don't understand. Like, you guys want to doubt LeBron, y'all want to be haters, I've got his back. That's really crazy. Yeah. That's a really therapeutic way to look at this.

That's how I can put it. Because I've never thought about it like that. Why am I defending him like this? And I think it's just, yeah, I think, oh, oh. I don't know. this is embarrassing or if this is like a good, I don't know what this is, to be honest. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. Do you feel embarrassed? No, I don't feel embarrassed. I really feel like, wow, like that makes a lot of sense. And I also feel like that a lot of, I think, when I see, when I see, how do I put this? it only makes me think more like, wow, like when I see people, you know, who are also on here defending their favorite, whoever it is, whether it's a musician or a streamer, athlete, whatever,

they must have some kind of feeling of like that same thing that you said, like, I don't want, like, I'll be here to support you, you know, because they felt the not having support. Yep. Before. And I think that's why, you know, that's why there's a lot of. I don't know, like fans of whatever. And you see a lot of people defending. And you see like diehard, you know, accounts, like people defending people to the end, you know?

Because I think you might be right. I think that's like, I think a lot of people feel that same thing that I'm feeling. Yeah. Yeah. I think your community feels it too. That's why they. I think certain people, yeah. They do come to your rescue.

right. They're not going to let Lois fight it alone. You want to throw down with the Twitter trolls, we'll throw down with you. And I, you know, there's something else I can bring up too where, you know, when it's when a typical shame of mine, it's, it's jokes, people trolling. But there's a serious thing going on. Like, if there's like an actual someone trying to come at me or, you know, like a real thing, it's like a switch gets flipped and every single one of those people a hundred percent has my back

and will it literally at times it felt like they would like you know take a bullet for me you know what I mean and um so that's why I don't get so like upset to the point where like oh I quit dude I'm done with this because I know that when it's for real

like that's what keeps me going is like yeah you like I could be getting trolled today but that's because it's about like what like it's about like basketball stats or you know what i mean like this isn't like an important thing but if it's someone coming at me or trying to threaten me or you know them or like my livelihood or something like that i have all the support um what's what's it like to have people believe in you oh man i mean and i'm sure you can you know this too like this is like it's an amazing it's an amazing feeling it's an amazing feeling it's an amazing feeling.

And it's a feeling I would love to have all the time, but I just, you know, the way my streams are and it's a lot about joking around and stuff, there's going to be a lot of trolling. And when there's trolling, stuff can go too far. And, you know, it can get taken too far. and yeah. So, Lois, I'm going to ask you, how do you feel right now? I feel, I don't know, I feel, I feel good.

I feel weirdly good. Yeah. I feel, yeah, I feel oddly good for, like, getting to the bottom of this, you know? So this is what emotional, you remember I was telling you, like, about, like, sort of dealing with that subconscious emotion that you've packed away. Yeah. This is what it feels like. So there's a period of time where you sit with that emotion and it feels really like negative and crappy and it's like, actually I've been trying to avoid these feelings.

And as you work through it, you feel the way that you do now, which is like not just good, but like weirdly good. You know, you kind of feel like lighter. Like things are clear. Like nothing is really changed. But like this is literally what emotional metabolism. It's like you're taking like this sandwich and your body is like, transforming it into your hair and your blood and your bones. And so this is what emotional metabolism looks like.

Yeah. It gives me like a second strength almost or like a second. It gives me like it, I don't know, just it boosts me. Yeah. It boost me. Yeah. Good. That's what we're here for, man.

Yeah. What's, okay. So then I know you're letting me linger. No, I was just, sorry. I mean, what now? I don't know if it's a what now. It's just kind of like, I don't want to, before we get off this, if there's anything else, like you want to, you know, I don't want to like leave the moment without checking all the boxes.

Yeah, sure. So let's talk about practicalities for a second, okay? So I think the first thing is like some of the emotional work has already been done. So good job. I'm glad you're feeling better. Right? So we've talked through some of this stuff. You've understood a lot about the connections. Now, how to move forward? I'd say the main thing is that like as you kind of just by all means like process like go for a walk or something. I highly recommend it's what I do after I stream. Like if I can, I'll just like walk for a little while and just kind of like digest and things like that. But I think practically, you know, for you, I think the key things to look out for are going to be like this vulnerability or this scar like popping up. And the thing is it's not going to, you know, the whole point of doing these like realizing stuff is that in your day to day experience, you didn't recognize that this is what it was. But now that you recognize it, each time it happens, you can work through it a little bit more.

And it'll actually start to free you from that mood in the same way that like we actually purposefully brought you to the dark place. And then you are sitting in the dark place. and now we've taught you how to move from the dark place to this other place. Not by walling it off, but by working through it. And each time you do that, the dark place gets a little bit smaller and you get better at leaving it. So like for me or for maybe other people in the chat, if they don't have you to talk to like someone who's clearly professional, how do you do that with yourself? Is there like, is it just, you know? Well, I mean, so.

Because we're kind of bouncing ideas off each other. Yeah, sure. Well, I mean, so there are ways to do it by yourself. I don't think they're as effective as working with another human being. Yeah. Which is like literally why, I don't know if people know this, but we have a coaching program at Healthy Gamer, where we have about 60 coaches that I started training in November of 2019. And our coaches are awesome.

and they do this kind of work with people. And I'm also like sort of an academic and have done a lot of research and stuff. So we have like a pretty robust research part of our coaching program. So we test outcomes. So what we actually do is like we measure the efficacy of our coaches against me, actually. And what we find is that our coaches are actually pretty good and our outcomes are comparable. And, you know, I'm not going to say that they're me. But like, it is my belief.

that if you want to do this work, having someone to bounce ideas off of is actually like really, really effective. Now, if you want to do it on your own, I think this is where like developing a good meditation practice or doing some amount of like reflection and journaling and like just going for walks. You know, there are other things that you can do. But I, in my experience, you know, meditation and journaling isn't someone like they just, there aren't response. right? It's sort of like exactly what you said about YouTube versus Twitch. Like, what's the difference? Like, both of them have people talking. But one platform is like responsive. So you move faster than you would on your own. Yeah. So practically like you could go, you know, meditate, like go to a meditation retreat or something like that. But like the whole reason that we develop the coaching program is because I, you know, I know I'm good and all. But like frankly, like what I do can be taught. Right. And that's what we set out to do. is to train 60 other people. We've helped about 2,000 people

from the Twitch community at this point. And so I think that, like, you don't have to do it alone. And the answer isn't to do it alone. And for you, by the way, I don't know if you know this, but, you know, Twitch actually, like, if you want to work with a coach, Twitch is sponsoring that. So you can, assuming you're partnered.

Yeah. But so we have a coaching program where we support our creators around creator's specific issues. So like these things about like, you know, having people around you not understand what you're going through and things like that. Well, we've heard from a lot of our creator coaches and even people in our regular coaching program is that they'll actually go see a therapist. But the therapist doesn't understand. That's, yeah. But, you know, I.

Yeah, Lose, I think that like you can do it on your own. I just, I mean, the reason that we do this is because I think it's more effective. That's why this is so good. this is so interesting what you do because it's so unique because you understand Twitch like you're a streamer like yeah so it's a really like you have the perspective

um so when when I do bring up things about TMC air this isn't like foreign language to you so yeah no I I appreciate what you're doing like I said I watched the show many times and I think uh all you guys in the chat should follow if you're not already followed but Yeah, I, yeah, no, that sounds like a great idea.

Sounds like a great idea with the coaching. Are you interested in learning a little bit about meditation? I mean, you may be experienced or meditate already. I don't think I've ever meditated in my life. I don't, I might have a slight ABHD. I'm not diagnosed. I don't know. But like, I'll start reading a book and I'll be like reading the book.

I'll get to the second page and not. not know what I just read for an entire paper. Like that's kind of level. So like when I try to sit there in silence, it kind of just, you know, just ends in like 30 seconds or something. So are you telling me that you're not good at meditation? I don't, I, I don't know. I think I've tried. But I, it's, I believe in you, Lus.

You believe? Hey, I mean, if you have any tips, I'll, I'll, I'll try them. for this, you know. What I'm hearing, this is the first time I'm hearing something from you, which is that maybe you don't believe in yourself. So I'm going to choose to believe in you. And I'm going to say that no matter how ADHD you are, I think you can learn how to meditate. Okay.

Have you been taught how to meditate? Um, no. Okay. Probably not properly. No. So this is where, like, I'm asking you, Loss, do you know how to ride a bike? And you're like, well, I'm not so sure. My ballastin's so good.

I'm like, you've ever been, did anyone teach you how to ride a bike? You're like, not really. And then I'm like, well, that makes sense. So I think it's fine if you're a little bit ADHD. So I'm going to give you a choice, okay? And what we can also do is try two techniques if you want to today. I'm going to give you a choice. One is going to be sort of like an introductory technique that'll get you a little bit

used to meditating, maybe address a little bit of your ADHDness. And will help in the moment. it kind of calming your mind down and also like letting go of a little bit of that anger and frustration. So, you know, like when you're in those moods where things are bothering you, my hope is that this technique will sort of like almost like a tiny little Xanax just like change your mood. Okay. That's one technique. The second technique that I would offer you is a little bit more long term.

so it's not really about calming you down in the moment it's a technique that you can do on a regular basis when you are relatively calm that will help the process of this emotional digestion of this scar that you have okay which one do you want let's let's do the let's start with uh when when i need to meditate like good when i need when i'm feeling like oh i need to calm down yeah good okay so um so um so So what I want you to do is sit up straight. Okay. Now, I'm going to teach you a technique that we do a fair amount on stream, which is alternate nostril breathing, which is going to sound kind of weird.

But basically, what we're going to do is we're going to block one nostril and breathe in through the other nostril. Okay. And then I'll show you. So I'm going to breathe in through this nostril. And then we're going to block the other nostril and we're going to breathe out through the other one. Okay, so it's good. I know it sounds kind of weird. And then what we're going to do is breathe in through this one, switch back, and then breathe out.

So it's going to be in, out, in, switch out, in, switch out, in, switch out, in, switch out. So it's like half of the breath gets done through each nostril. Okay. So let me just show you, okay? So I'm going to block my right nostril. Breathe in. Now switch. And breathe out.

In through the same nostril. Switch. And out. In through the same nostril. Switch. Out. In. Good.

Out. In. Switch. Out. Switch out. Switch out. Beautiful. Now continue at your own pace for about

60 seconds. I'll tell you when to stop. Am I hypnotized right now? I don't know what's happening. What do you mean? I just like, I could have just fell asleep. I'm not going to lie. I could have just fallen asleep. What were you thinking about? I was just completely calm.

It was just very calming. Sounds like you meditated. Wow. Wow. It's that, it's that, wow. So I don't have to sit there like with my hand, like, in a pretzel. I don't, okay. No.

I believe in Ulus. I appreciate it. That was, is it, is it, so like the science behind, is it like the focusing on what you're doing where like you can't even focus anything else? You're just focusing on how you're breathing, like, how. Is that? It's pretty much. Okay. Yeah. Exactly. Look at how quickly you figured it out. So, little bit explanation. Okay. I was just surprised because no one's ever stopped and had that profound of an effect like that quickly. It was like, wow. Okay. So cool. So it seems like it really worked for you,

which means we found a good technique for you. Good job. So a couple of things about the science of meditation. The first is that meditating successfully is not contorting yourself into a particular meditation technique. It's finding the right kind of meditation technique for your mind.

Okay? So you told me that you were a little bit like distractible just to touch ADHD. So the meditation that technique that's going to work for you is one that demands some of your attention. Okay? So it's like a little bit tricky to keep

track, right? It's not like so hard, but you got to like focus on it. It doesn't happen on autopilot. And when you demand the attention of your mind on one particular thing, it's sort of, there's no room for other thoughts. So remember, your problem is that you're carrying around all of this stuff and you don't have room for anything else. So when you do this technique, what your mind automatically has to do is put everything else down. Yeah. And when you put everything else down, you're like, whoa, I feel calm. Because subconsciously, you're carrying all this stuff around. And then like you basically do this technique and your mind sets like just imagine like hiking with this like 50 pound backpack. And for 60 seconds, you set the backpack down. You're like, whoa, I could have fallen asleep.

So why is it that? And maybe some people can, but. I haven't figured out how to do this. Why is it that I can't just do that? Like, why can't I just sit down, take a deep breath and just not have a care? Like, why? Because you haven't been taught how. Okay. Okay.

Short answer. Simple answer. You know, I just put you on a bike. I held it a little bit and you started pedaling and you're like, why can't everyone just ride bikes? It's because you need to be taught. okay so no one just naturally is just can wipe their mind like that's arguably there may be people out there who are more you know better at that like there are some depending on which tradition you you kind of like listen to like some people think that the Dalai Lama for example is

essentially born like pseudo enlightened and so there may be like three year olds that can do this I don't really know but you know I think that this is like like Loss, this is a skill that you can acquire. Right? And this is why when people like meditate on a regular basis, they become more productive. They become happier. You know? I think I just need to meditate.

I think, yeah. I think I just need to learn how to meditate. Yeah. Well, now you know. So the next challenge for you is going to be anchoring your practice so that you do it on a regular basis. Right. So I'd say three to five minutes, three days a week is your first.

goal eventually if you can work your way up to 20 minutes that's where the research shows that your brain will literally start to rewire itself and you'll learn how to do things like let go like your brain will be more automatic it's going to be bizarre I'm telling you you're going to be in one of these episodes where you're pissed off and then some part of your brain is like whoa take a deep breath it's not that big of a deal these are the things that you already tell yourself, they're just going to start working. And that's because your neurons are going to change. And they're going to be capable of letting things go.

Okay. You're going to practice putting down the backpack over and over and over again for three to five minutes a day, three days a week. And then you're going to learn how to put down the backpack. Yeah. Before I wrote this down, I don't, this is really, I don't know, this, yeah, it's kind of on topic. But no, I guess it has to do with some sort of meditation.

Do you, can people get hypnotized? Is hypnosis a thing? Does that have anything to do with any kind of practice, or is that just like a myth? No, no, no. So hypnotism is real. So hypnotism is like, the answer is yes, people can get hypnotized. So here's what the science says about hypnosis. So the first is that there's a wide variety of susceptibility to hypnosis.

Okay. So some people are more likely to become hypnotized than others. Willingness to become hypnotized is a big part of whether hypnosis is successful or not. So I don't think you can like, I've never seen any convincing scientific evidence that you can like mind control someone through hypnosis. But essentially. Yeah, this is why I didn't even want to ask because I'm like, all right, this probably sounds really dumb. So, okay, yeah. Hey, like, dude, I think it's like one of my favorite questions I've ever gotten on the stream.

Okay, okay. So, and if we think about it, you know, how does hypnosis work? Yeah. This is where it's kind of, I mean, I can explain this in a second, but in a couple of seconds. But if we think about studying, okay, so like, let's say I'm trying to study, depending on how much activity there is in my conscious mind. Okay, let me just, let's take a step back. So when I talk about studying, let's think about what that means. I read something.

I think about it actively for a second. And then what I want to do is take that information and implant it into my unconscious mind. So after I'm done at the library, I close the book, I go hang out with my friends, I play some games. The next day I have my test, I'm not thinking about whatever I studied, right? I'm just living my life. I see a question on the test. And then poof, out of my unconscious mind comes the answer. Does that make sense?

like when I read the question, that's when the answer comes into my conscious mind. This might be a whole different problem, but I'm sure that makes sense to a lot of people. Me, I always had some sort of problem studying, but that's probably completely. Yeah. So, no, no. It's on topic because we'll talk about why you had a problem studying in a second. I'm saying theoretically, if we think about it, like when I study something, I'm actively thinking about it. And then my hope is that the active thinking will, like, get stored on my hard drive.

And then, like, later on, that information can be recalled and pulled up. That's the goal of studying, right? Yeah. So if we think about it, we have our conscious mind where we're thinking and we have our unconscious mind where, like, our thought, like, all our knowledge is stored. So then the next thing is that what are the ways in which we can implant things into our unconscious mind? If I try to study and my mind is distracted, how much do you learn? Probably not at all, right? Exactly.

And so if your mind is super calm, how easy is it to study? If your mind is clear, yeah, it's so much easier to put things in there. Exactly. So let's think about what hypnosis is. Hypnosis is a technique to intentionally and quickly completely calm that conscious layer of mind so that you can stick something into the unconscious. And then once it's stuck in the unconscious, it starts to like work automatically.

Right. So when people get hypnotized, you like tell them something like, oh, you're now a woman who's late for a work appointment. And then like when they wake up, their unconscious mind is like pushing thoughts into their conscious mind. Oh my God, I'm late for my appointment and I'm a woman. And then they start freaking out and everyone on stage like,

laughs and it's really funny and they got hypnotized and thinking that they were a woman. And then the hypnotist is like, when I snap my fingers, you'll be back to who you are. And they snap their fingers and they kind of back to who they are. So in your opinion, that's a real thing that happens. People do. It's not a magic trick. No, it's not a magic trick. It's just there's a wide variety. There's a wide range of hypnotic suggestibility. And people use hypnosis in therapy, a fair amount.

Right. So like, if you look at like, where is hypnosis actually used in a way that is not, a stage performance. There are hypnotherapists. And the goal of hypnotherapy is to calm down that surface level of mind so that you can access things like repressed memories and like things like that. I mean, I do that in sort of a slightly different way, whereas like I ask you leading questions and I know like I sniff something out and I'll ask you a question and then like just think about this conversation. Go back and watch it. Some random story pops into your head. And then another random story pops into your head, right?

Like, where do those stories come from? Like, they've always been buried in your subconscious. We're just bringing them out in sort of an intentional way. And so it's still like hypnotism just sort of like, you know, if I had hypnotized you and then asked you particular questions, maybe you would have like other like less defended things. Like even on stream, you're probably like a little bit, you know, you talked about going deep. So the purpose of hypnotism is to help people go deep faster.

Okay. Yeah. And there's a lot of like similarities, but a couple of key important differences from the meditative state of mind and the hypnotic state of mind. I frankly think that meditation is just essentially superior. Like I think it's more consistent. More people can do it. There's less variability. And it leads to there's more data that suggests that it's like more helpful than hypnotism.

Yeah. Yeah. I've heard of so many people talking about meditating. I mean, I have a grandmother who always tells me I should be meditating. And I just, I'm like, okay. Yeah, grandma. Like, you know what I mean? Like, but it's kind of like I, you know, this actually helps people.

I just have been, I don't know, I've been lazy or I don't know. No, no. Nope. Maybe I just didn't want to look into it. I don't know. No, no, no. Listen, listen, Loas. You just have never had the opportunity to learn.

Okay. Yeah. That's, it's as simple as that. you're not you didn't you're not lazy or anything it's just like like it's kind of weird because everyone just talks about meditation but like no one teaches it to you it's like man like I've seen people riding bikes all the tell like people don't wake up when they're 26 and they're like you know what I'm going to learn how to ride a bike yeah like that person isn't lazy it's just like you got to give someone a bike and you got to be like hey man you want to like hop on this bike

and learn how to ride and then you're like sure it was a little it was like kind of ignorance on my part or just not knowing that oh you had to learn like I just thought it's just like Like, yeah, okay. So yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, cool. So you want to just tell us a little bit about yourself and where people can find you?

Just before we wrap up for the day? Yeah, no. So I'm Los Polos TV. That's what I go by on everything. And I try to stream daily. But, you know, when I get back into depression, I'm going to stop saying that, actually. I'm going to stop saying get back to depression. But yeah, sometimes I'm, I'm, I'm going to stop saying get back depression.

I'm just not in the mood, but mostly I stream, mostly I stream daily on Los Poles TV. So yeah. Cool. I appreciate you having me on. This was really interesting. And I'm already starting to think about some things differently, to be honest. Good. Well, that's what we're here for, Los.

And I really appreciate you coming on. You know, I know we sometimes reach out to people when they're having a bad time. And, you know, I'm glad you. you decided to join us today because I think like not only did you hopefully benefit from this, but I think a lot of the things that you talked about, you know, hopefully a lot of our community can resonate with in terms of building walls, you know, like believing in yourself and not having other people believe in you. I think those are really common themes that people struggle with. So thank you so much for sharing and going deep, man.

Thank you for unlocking, unlocking some memories and doing what you do. I appreciate it. You're most welcome, bro. Good luck to you. All right, man. Thank you. Shout to you guys in the chat. Adios.