HealthyGamerGG - Why "Validating Feelings" Can Ruin Relationships

Episode Date: June 15, 2026

In this episode, Dr. K breaks down the misunderstood art of "holding space," explaining why our natural urge to solve problems or validate feelings is often a defense mechanism against our own discomfort. He reveals how to transition from being a "fixer" to becoming a resilient container for others' emotions through the practice of intentional inaction. What to expect in this episode: The Problem-Solver Trap: Why our first instinct to offer solutions is often a selfish act designed to shut off the negative emotions we are absorbing from others. The Emotional Umbilical Cord: A look at the biological reality of empathy and how we absorb the "negativity" of those around us, similar to how we feel for fictional characters on a screen. When Therapy-Speak Fails: Why "validating feelings" can feel infuriating or dismissive to a loved one, especially when it is used to "poke holes" in their valid anger. Intentional Inaction: Understanding that holding space is not "doing nothing," but rather a purposeful choice to not act while remaining physically and facially engaged. The "Holding the Bag" Metaphor: A practical visualization for supporting someone by letting them lead the interaction and put whatever they need into the "space" you provide. The Boredom Indicator: How to recognize when a "trauma dump" has lost its emotional energy by monitoring your own internal state for signs of boredom or repetition. Creating a "Police Line": How to maintain a boundary that allows the other person the autonomy to decide their own next steps rather than solving the situation for them. Dr. K's NEW Guide to Love, Sex, & Relationships is here! Order now: https://bit.ly/4dO3x0VHG Coaching : https://bit.ly/46bIkdo Dr. K's Guide to Mental Health: https://bit.ly/44z3SztHG Memberships : https://bit.ly/3TNoMVf Products & Services : https://bit.ly/44kz7x0 HealthyGamer.GG: https://bit.ly/3ZOopgQ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Activia. You might already be eating yogurt, but not all yogurts are created equal. Activia contains over one billion probiotics per serving to survive and reach the gut alive. When it comes to gut health, Activia is the number one family doctor-recommended probiotic yogurt brand. Choose Activia. Feel good from the inside out. Visitactivia.ca for more details. Hey, chat. Welcome to the Healthy Gamer Gigi podcast. I'm Dr. Alokinoja, but you can call me Dr. K.

I'm a psychiatrist gamer and co-founder of Healthy Gamer. On this podcast, we explore mental health and life in the digital age, breaking down big ideas to help you better understand yourself and the world around you. So let's dive right in. Today we're going to talk about holding space. So this is really confusing because people will say, like, yeah, like, you know, when someone comes to you with a problem, like let's say your spouse got a bad performance review, or your fiance is having a bachelorette party, but half of her people have canceled.

They come to you and they're really upset, right? Someone's trauma dumping. Someone's coming to you upset. And so what a lot of people will say is like, yeah, the right thing to do is to hold space. But we don't know how to do that. Like, how do you hold space, right? Is this just like doing just holding space? And the answer is like, actually, yeah, that's exactly what it is.

So in order to understand this, let's start with kind of the scenario, okay? So let's say someone comes to you with a problem. Let's say they're kind of trauma dumping. And then they come to you with a problem. And our first instinct is to fix it. Right? So we're like, they're coming to me with my problem. I have this bad performance review.

Let me help you. Okay. Let me tell you what you need to do. You do A, B, and C, that'll fix your problem. And then you'll be golden. But we've been told, don't do that. Don't be a problem solver. Don't fix things.

And instead, we have replaced it with something else. We're going to validate their feelings. Oh, my God, that must be so hard for you. Oh, my God, I know. Isn't that terrible? and sometimes that works. But sometimes, like, people don't like it, right? Have you guys noticed that sometimes when you're, like,

come into someone with a problem, they start, like, therapizing you? And you're like, don't do that. Don't therapeutize me. Like, don't use those validating statements and things like that. It just feels wrong to do. And the other challenge with this sort of validating your feelings sort of thing is it has a role in friendships, but that's really a technique that is frequently used in therapy.

And, like, your friends may not like that. your spouse may not like that. I know mine certainly doesn't. So I'll give you all a good example of this. So I recently got a game for myself and for my daughter. And I was really excited to have her play the game. I was like, oh, she's going to love this game. So we started playing the game. And then I became a terrible backseat gamer. Because when I got the game for her, I'm like, okay, this is so much fun. She's going to really like this stuff. But she wasn't playing the game the way that I wanted her to play the game. I was like, you're not doing this right. You're not doing this right. So she got really frustrated with me and understandably so. And so then, you know, then she went downstairs and I went. went downstairs with her and she was grabbing a snack from the pantry and then I was like, you know, I did what any hard-ordained psychiatrist would do. And I was like, yeah, you know, Vera, I realized that I got this game and I had this certain vision for the game, but I'm not letting you enjoy it. I got the game for you to enjoy. And the way that I'm talking to you, the way that I'm forcing you to do things is actually the exact opposite. Like, I'm ruining your experience. I'm not helping your experience. In fact, I'm ruining it. And I'm really sorry for that. And then she kind of

sighed and she was like, dad, it's fine. You don't have. to say, I'm sorry, it's so hard to stay mad at you. And I was like, hold on a second. She was like, kind of annoyed that she couldn't stay mad at me, right? So she's a 10-year-old kid, and her dad is a Harvard trained psychiatrist, and I realize, oh, my God, I have done something wrong. Let me go fix it. Let me go use the words of my training, of my, like, decade of practice in psychiatry. My child is mad at me. No more. I'm a fix it, right? I'm going to validate her feelings. And I don't know if you guys have felt this, but like, have you all noticed that sometimes you want to stay mad at someone?

And one of the most infuriating things is when someone can like poke holes in the water balloon of your anger and then your anger starts to seep away and you don't want that. You actually like, you're like, oh, just let me be mad at you for a while. That is what holding space is about. When we hold space, we will be able to handle their anger. Okay. So option number one is fix their problems. So holding space gratifies that, right? So holding space will fix that and I'll explain how this works. So in order to understand why it's hard to hold space, right, it's hard for my daughter, me to hold the space for my daughter to be angry with me. We have to

understand one really important thing, which is the emotional umbilical cord. In common colloquial language, we could call this empathy, but I think empathy has been like defined in so many different ways. So I like to call it the emotional umbilic cord as a psychiatrist. So what this means is that when someone else has a negative emotion, we have this little umbilical cord that goes from us to them and they transfer some of that negative emotion to us. If this did not exist, no one would ever watch TV shows or movies, right? So if you think about a TV show or a movie, there's like some tragic scenario and someone dies. And these are like fake people on a screen. They're not even real, right? This is like Literally, we all know it's a fictional character that's an actor pretending to have lost a child.

But there's no actual death in this situation at all. But because of this emotional umbilical cord, when the character on the screen starts crying, we start absorbing that emotion. I keep seeing comments. Dr. Kay, how do I apply this to a situation in my life? That's literally why we created a coaching program. Our coaches are certified on an evidence-based curriculum designed to help you get unstuck. This involves analyzing your patterns, increasing your understanding, and working with you week to week to help you develop a plan to create lasting change.

So if y'all are interested, check out the link in the description below. So the biggest thing that makes it hard to hold space for people is not their suffering. It is our inability to tolerate the negative emotion that they are transferring to us. Okay? They feel bad. Transfer some of that emotion. now I feel bad. I don't like feeling bad.

So what am I going to do? I'm going to shut off their negative emotion. So if they are frustrated, I love my daughter. She is angry with me. I feel that anger from her. I can't tolerate that. What does a dad want to avoid at all costs? Having my beautiful daughter be mad at me.

That I can't handle. I can't handle her anger. So I have to shut it off. So the first way that I shut it off is I fix the problem for her, right? or in your case, right, let's say you've got a friend who's got a problem, you can fix the problem for them. If you fix the problem for them, they no longer feel bad. If they no longer feel bad, they no longer transfer that negative emotion to you, and then you no longer feel bad. Now you're happy, I'm happy, we're all happy. See, let me fix it for you. The second way that we basically do the same thing

is validate their feelings. They feel bad. Let me validate their feelings. Oh, yeah, you're right. You're right. Oh, that is sad. Oh, you deserve to be angry. Oh, my God, that's so terrible. Then they start to feel better. and if they start to feel better, they stop transferring that energy to you. And there's almost sometimes a desperateness to validating someone's feelings. This person is like trauma dumping on me, like, oh my God, let me validate, validate, validate, so they stop. Okay. Key principle here is that we don't feel good.

And if you really pay attention to yourself, you will notice that there is something within you that is hard to tolerate. And you want to make that go away. And so fixing the problem by providing solutions is one way. Fixing the problem by making them feel better is the other thing. But if you look at both of those things, there is an intolerance of the negative emotion of the other person. That's what makes it hard to hold space. So first step is that you have to notice that when you are holding space for someone, you will basically have to literally hold from a neuroscience perspective their negative energy.

Now, the second thing that makes this hard is that, okay, so how do you hold space? what do you do? And this is what's so confusing about it. Holding space is intentional in action. So a lot of people think that holding space is doing nothing because you're not doing anything, right? You're not like offering solutions. You're not like validating them. You're just hold, but what is that? How do I do that? And that's what's so confusing about it. It is intentional inaction. So it's not that you're doing nothing. It is that you are doing no particular thing. You are in this, This is where like it's in the language. You are literally holding.

Like if you think about it, like if I'm holding the pen, like what am I doing? This isn't, I'm not doing anything with the pen. I'm just holding it. And yet holding is an intentional inaction, right? It's just here. But I'm holding it, but it's here. I'm not doing it. I'm not writing.

I'm not putting it down. I'm not picking it up. I'm just holding it. And then the second question is, what are you holding? You're holding space. So you're holding emptiness. And this is where we get like, oh, Zen. Hold emptiness.

Ah, wonderful. Okay. Then how do you actually do it, right? So you have to understand that you are intentionally not acting. So a good example of this is like, you know, let's say that I'm a hunter and I'm waiting in a blind to like I've put out some corn and some hapless deer that doesn't understand these things is coming to eat the corn. So I'm kind of doing nothing, but I'm not like doing nothing. I am waiting for something to happen, right? So that's kind of an example of an intentional inaction. With holding space, you're not necessarily waiting, but that's just an example, right, of waiting for something to happen. You are not doing nothing, but you're sort of in a holding pattern, right? You're waiting for something to happen. So holding space isn't quite waiting. I'm using that as another example of intentional inaction. We are purposely not acting. Okay. And as we purposely not act, we are kind of absorbing some of that negativity. So then the question is, okay, but like, how do you do that? You guys see like, you're still like, how do you do that? So we're going to tell you. So the first thing is you don't want to be mentally checked out. So when you're

you're doing nothing, it's like holding space is not like, oh my God. So the first thing that you want to do when you're holding space is you want to like lean in and be body language, facial expression engaged. So when I'm holding space with someone, I'm usually like, right, or like I was doing this with my wife the other day, we were in bed and she was telling about something going on in your social life. And I was like, you know, we're both laying in bed. And I'm just like, oh my God. Hmm. Hmm. You know, so you're tuned in. You want to be tuned in. And then the second thing is that I want you all to kind of envision that you're not doing something, but what you're doing is you're holding a plastic bag, like you're holding a bag, and you're letting the other person

put things into the bag. That's what holding spaces. You are there with them, but you are not taking the lead. See, when you fix their problems, you are taking the lead. Even when you validate them, if you're not careful, there are two kinds of validation. Hopefully, I know this gets kind of weird and subtle and abstract. There is the validating their feelings in order to get them to stop. Like, shut the fuck up, bro.

like I can't handle this anymore. I'm so tired of this. Let me just validate you, validate. Let me therapist you. You're going to give you therapy so that you feel better. Right? But you're still taking charge of the situation. Holding spaces, imagine that they're speaking and you are holding a bag.

And you are letting them put whatever they want. And even if you sort of think about it, if I'm holding a bag, I'm not doing anything except for holding the bag. They're kind of doing all the work of what they put into the bag. And so this is sort of where basically holding spaces tolerating. your internal negative emotion, which you need to understand. Because until you realize that you're feeling that, you'll try to get rid of it automatically and you won't, you'll kind of, it'll like bypass you. Second thing is kind of tune in, lean in, and then just hold, right? So just hold the bag for

them to put stuff in. So if they want to whine about something, if they want to complain about something, you just let them complain and you kind of stay with them in that complaining. If, and at some point, if they're like, yeah, I don't know, like, there's something I need to do. I can't figure out what to do. You can kind of ask, like, is there something you? It's something you want help with, right? You just ask. The key thing about holding space is you are not acting, right? You are sort of, your job is the police line do not cross. You are creating the space within which they get to decide what to do. That is what holding space is. Now, another kind of tip that I'll give you guys is sometimes when you're holding space, let's say someone is trauma

dumping. There's a really key indicator for when you know holding space is working and when you know you're done because how do you know if you're done? And that is going to be your own internal state. Okay. So at some point when people trauma dump, what you'll notice is that some of them start to get really, really, really, really repetitive, right? And they start repeating themselves a lot. And it kind of, you feel your primary internal experience is going to be boredom. And it's kind of interesting because we know that like we have this idea that talking about your feelings is like healthy, right? We have to talk about our feelings. But there are a lot of of people and you may be one of them where you notice that talking about my feelings is like

playing something like a song on repeat it's not actually doing anything for us emotionally and when someone trauma dumps on you you can pay attention to your own internal feeling because the more that you feel bored with the situation the more useless the trauma dumping is becoming now it's getting into that road thing there's no like emotional energy behind it it's just kind of like reflexive sadness, reflexive, this kind of stuff, that's not really what the money is. That's what we learn in psychotherapy is you got to follow the feelings. So how do you know when you've kind of done enough? You can sort of pay attention.

The moment that you, because remember holding spaces about you absorbing their discomfort, and at some point that discomfort will start to decline. And how do you know when you're done? When you start to feel bored, literally, or you feel an absence of feeling, that's when you can try to direct them a little bit and say like, yeah, so it's, you know, here. Here's what I understood about your situation. You can reflect back at you said this, this, and this. What are you thinking?

How are you approaching this situation? Right? It's not like solve the problem from them, but you can subtly indicate, hey, like, where are we going from here? Okay. So the next time someone comes to you with a problem, option number one, problem solve. Option number two, validate to decompress their emotion. Option number three, hold the bag for them for them to put things into. Thanks for joining us today.

We're here to help you understand your mind and live a better life. If you enjoy the conversation, be sure to subscribe. Until next time, take care of yourselves and each other. Hey, y'all, it's Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair. Ever order furniture online and wonder what if? Like, what if it doesn't hold up? That sofa was four days old. You should have ordered from Wayfair.

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