HealthyGamerGG - Why You Cannot Stop Being A People Pleaser

Episode Date: December 3, 2022

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Right. So, like, if you know what's expected of you, you can make sure that you can put in the time, do a good job, make sure you get recognized for it, make sure you don't screw it up. But then suddenly, like, if someone dump something on your desk at the 11th hour, which is not something that you planned for, it's almost like you're being set up to fail. And what do you go by, my friend? I'm Stephen. Okay. And Stephen, what emotions do you struggle with? Welcome. Thank you. I struggle with stress. Okay. Yeah. Can you help me understand what you mean by the word stress?

Yeah, so, I'm not struggling with stress. It usually comes out as frustrations towards both myself and towards other people. It can be, for example, my boss that is not able to see. that I'm overworked or frustration. And so, okay. So I don't think about stress as an emotion. So I think it kind of is an emotion, but it's also like an umbrella emotion. So it usually covers other emotions.

So can you tell me what you're stressed out about? Oh, sorry, I disconnect there for a second. No problem. So when I think about stress, Can you hear me? Yes. Can you hear me? Bueller?

Bueller? I am not able to hear you. Uh, we can hear you fine. TechTeller? Okay. Looks like they're troubleshooting. Let's move on and we'll circle back to Stephen if we can. Gigi go next.

Oh, let's try again. Stephen? Let's try again. Yes. Awesome. You back with us? Yes, I am. Okay.

So how far? How hard did you get? Yeah, so let me just start over. So when I think about stress, it's what I would consider an umbrella emotion. So it usually is a word that we use to describe a bundle of other emotions. So can you tell me what stresses you out? Unforeseeable things. So if something drops on my table,

that I'm not aware of, then I feel this overwhelming feeling of stress or frustration, if it makes sense. What kind of thoughts go through your head when something unexpected happens? Pay F? Pay respects. Press F. Stephen? Hopefully he's not stressed out because this is an unexpected. Hello?

Yeah, sorry about that. I don't know what's happening. I'm not sure either. Are you stressed out about the audio issues? I am. My heart is pumping. Okay. So help me understand what are you experiencing right now?

Maybe that there is something that I'm doing wrong. Okay. Or something that I should be able to fix. And is that how you feel at work when something unforeseeable happens? Yes. Okay. This may sound like a weird question, but Why is it your responsibility?

That's some pressure I put on myself. Thinking about it rationally, then it's not my problem. But it's the expectations I have towards myself. And help me understand those a little bit. What do you expect from yourself? I won't say to be the best, but at least to be able to perform. And perform what? I know it's kind of a weird question because it's kind of like we're talking in the abstract.

To provide results. Okay. And to be noticed, to be to get recognition from everyone around you. And so if you're not going to get positive recognition but may even get negative recognition, what does that possibility do to you? gives me more stress. Help me understand that. What do you mean by more stress?

Well, actually, just the thought makes me kind of anxious. It is a hard question because the feeling of getting negative criticism or not being recognized, actually, it's yeah so it's a hard question yeah so i think you've actually done a great job of answering it stephen so let me share with you what i what i heard and then you let me know if this fits so i can totally get why unforeseeable things stress you out because what i'm imagining is that first of all positive recognition is very important to you negative recognition is to be avoided at all costs, right?

And so the cool thing is that you can plan for that. Right? So, like, if you know what's expected of you, you can make sure that you can put in the time, do a good job, make sure you get recognized for it. Make sure you don't screw it up, right? Yeah. But then suddenly, like, if someone dump something on your desk at the 11th hour, which is not something that you planned for, it's almost like you're being set up to fail. Yes.

Is that what it feels like? Yes. Well, at least I'm, well, I want to turn it around and say that I'm not able to, I'm not being able to succeed. Right. So what's it like to plan to succeed, to work hard to succeed, and then be put in a situation where you're not able to succeed? That's not a nice feeling. Okay.

What is that feeling? Overwhelming. Okay. So overwhelming is... So, first of all, I'm going to ask you some questions. We're going to work through this, Stephen. Okay. Some of the questions I may ask you may make you feel a little bit foolish, but I don't think you're foolish.

I think this is what happens in society, which is that we don't know how to put names to emotions. It's not a skill that we're taught. You with me? I'm with you. So overwhelming is not an emotion. It's a size of an emotion. Does that make sense? It's too much of an emotion.

Yeah, it does make sense. So I'm with you, and I think that's what stressed is, right? So I would guess that when you say you feel stressed, you feel overwhelmed. So the emotion is too much. But what is the thing? What is too much? Hmm. I'm going to let you stumble for a little bit,

and then I'll help you out. Yeah? I can think it's kind of hard, putting the name to the feeling. You're right. It is. It's very hard. But... What are you frustrated? Huh?

You're going to ask me what I'm frustrated about? Yeah, what are you frustrated about? You're frustrated with your boss. Help me understand that a little bit. I'm frustrated with him that he's not able to see that I am overworked and that he should actually know that I have enough on my plate already. And why do you think he doesn't recognize how overworked you are? Because I don't say no. So are you frustrated just with your boss? No.

I'm also frustrated with myself. What are you frustrated with yourself for? That I'm not able to set boundaries. So let me ask you something, Stephen. What's it like to go through life piloting a body in mind that can't set boundaries with people? Well, that's my life. So what's it like to be you? What's it like to be someone who can't set boundaries with people?

it's hard. It's, I feel that I have to please everyone all the time and no one is actually, I'm not able to please myself. Yep. Right. So you can't, so, so now I'm going to toss out words.

Okay. The first thing is that this sounds very unfair to me. It sounds unjust. What do you think? I listened in before and he took, He took the recognition, but I'm the kind of person who pushes it away and say, I have to work hard to receive recognition.

And if it's unjust or unfair, I need to work harder for it to become fair. Okay. So it sounds like you're not when you're, so let me put it this way. when you're when you're already overworked and your boss plops a bunch of work on your desk you don't think that that's unfair you don't feel like that's unfair I do in the in the moment I do there we're course okay so now we can see so now I'm going to highlight something for you okay this is why I think it's hard to put words to it because in the moment you feel something but how do you respond to those feelings

When you feel like this is unfair, what does your mind say? It tells me or it, like I said, it comes out as frustration. I become angry. Yep. Right? So it comes out as angry because you don't, you, like, you feel something genuinely, that this isn't fair. And then what you do is you beat yourself up for feeling like it's unfair, right? Yeah.

You're like, I shouldn't be so weak. I should be stronger. I should be able to set limits. I should be able to make it fair. I need to work harder. Is that what you say to yourself? Yes. You can't see me, but I'm smiling.

You're spun on. Right? And so then how, like, and so how do you, how do you feel about, how does someone who's, so when someone talks to themselves like that, what do they start to think about themselves? That's not worth a lot.

Right? You're weak. You're not worth a lot. And so when you have two people in this relationship, you've got your boss who's worth something and you who aren't worth a lot. First of all, that creates another layer of frustration and anger with yourself. Because on some level, I think you know,

that that's wrong, agreed? But then we can see how you become a people pleaser. Because if any time there's a disagreement and one person is worth something and one person isn't worth something, who are we going to go with? Whose opinion matters more? The person who's worth something. Absolutely. Who deserves to be happy?

The person who's worth something. Right? And if you can make them happy, then what? Then maybe. I can become, I can get some self-worth. Right? Because if other people, if everyone, so Stephen, if you do a great job, you work extra, extra hard and never say no to any work, what are people going to say about you? Positive things, that I'm a hardworking, good person at the company.

Yep, right? And they're going to recognize you so much. and how much recognition does it take for you to feel proud of yourself? Oh, wow. More and more for each time. Beautiful. The right answer is more. And how's that working out for you, Stephen?

Chasing recognition, because you need more each time. How's it working out for you? It's not going too well, Dr. Kay. It's not. Help me understand why not. Because the glass will always be half empty. Well said. Can you explain that a little bit? Well, the more recognition I fill into the glass, the bigger the glass will become.

And there's more recognition is needed for it to be full and it will never be full. So what do you think you should do about that, Stephen? Oh, I have no idea. Stop chasing recognition. But that's easier set than done. What makes it hard? Because I feel like I need it to get by every day. Yep.

Well said. Right. I think the other thing that's hard is that if you stop chasing recognition, how are you, so in a moment, let's say your boss comes into your office and says, hey, I've got this extra work for you. And you accept it because you're chasing recognition, right? How would it feel to say, I can't handle that? My plate is full.

As a personal loss or defeat. Right? So this is what's kind of weird. You're struggling really, really, really hard to not be a loser, right? You're sacrificing yourself to not be a loser. And in order to stop being a loser, you have to be willing to lose. Does that make sense? you got to let it go.

You got to accept defeat to no longer be a loser. Does that make sense, or is that way too abstract? That is, it is a little bit abstract. So what I mean is that, so you're trying to avoid feeling like a failure, right? That's why you don't say no. Yes.

Okay. We don't want to feel like a failure. So whatever you give us, we're going to do. And then we're going to be overworked. We're going to be stressed. We're going to be overwhelmed. And we're going to wind up dropping some balls. and we're going to end up making mistakes, right?

Right. So I don't want to be a failure, and thus you take on more work than you can handle. You're burnt out, and you set yourself up to be a failure, right? Yes. And so how do we get around that? It's when the work comes in, and we say no, what do you feel like? A loser.

A failure. So oddly enough, what you need to do is actually embrace being a failure. in order to stop being a failure, which is paradoxical, though, because as long as you're chasing success, you're dooming yourself to failure. Does that make sense? It does.

And so I know it's going to be really weird, but I'm talking about, like, in a moment, so the fear that a lot of people have is that they feel like they're going to feel like a failure for days on end if they say no today. So what I would strongly recommend to you is, first of all, be prepared that you've got to be able to tolerate the feeling,

of being a failure, to start setting up boundaries and being able to actually become successful. But for that moment, you have to like take that bitter medicine, which is I'm going to feel terrible about myself. Because you can't tolerate that feeling, which is why you never say no. People pleasers can't tolerate disappointing other people. And since you can't tolerate disappointing people, you make promises you can't keep. And then you end up disappointing people. And then you're like, never again, I don't like this feeling.

I don't like this feeling. I don't like this feeling. And then they come and ask you for favors and you don't want that feeling. So you say yes, and you end up disappointing them. Do you understand that what you've got to do is in that moment, disappoint people? That's the only way you get past this. Sounds hard. It is hard.

So there's practical stuff that you can do. So I'm going to try to equip you with a couple of like ideas. Okay. The first is have a conversation. conversation with your boss? Do you think your boss is a good person? No. Okay. Is your is your workplace abusive? Not abusive, but do they take advantage of you? In the department where where I'm working. Yes, but in the company in general, no. Is there any possibility of moving? No, I'm I'm applying for other jobs. So okay. So this is important. So if your boss is not a good person and is not willing to hear you, you out, then that sucks and you should, you know, potentially move.

But even at your new boss, I wouldn't be surprised if you create this kind of situation. Oh, it's the story of my life. Okay. Right. So this is where I think it's worthwhile for you to, to like approach your boss. I recognize this may not go well, but I'm just going to, let's assume that you have at least a decent boss. even with not a decent boss,

you can still do this kind of stuff, although your chances of success are lower. And you can ask your boss, hey, what do you think about my current workload? So we're going to start with something called an open-ended question. We're not going to make any assumptions. And then we're going to hear what your boss has to say. Okay.

The other thing that we're going to do is that at some point, you may want to try to lay out what your experience of working here is like. And then the other thing that you can try to do. So you can say like, hey, so here's like, here's what I've got on my plate. I've noticed there's a pattern where Thursdays at 5 p.m. someone comes in and like gives me additional work. And then I'm having trouble getting everything done. And I'm really trying, like I'm starting to burn out. If your boss is not compassionate, you don't have to say that bit. The other approach that you can sort of take is when someone gives you new work, you can share with them what your current

responsibilities are and what's the priority. So if someone says, like, hey, like, we need you to do this by tomorrow. And you can say, okay, absolutely, 100% I can do it by tomorrow. Out of the other three things I'm supposed to have done by tomorrow, which one should I push? See, this is what I'm doing, but in a very, not in a good way, in a very, like, I'm taking it in a frustrating tone and an angry tone. So not very. Yeah, so that's where like what we've sort of found. especially in career coaching, is that dealing with your frustration separately is critical to communicating

effectively. You can't be frustrated when you communicate like this. Does that make sense? It does. So it's not like, it's not a statement. It's not like weakness, and it's not that your boss is mean. It's just a statement of facts. It's like there are 10 hungry people and we have five sandwiches. Which five people do you want me to feed? I'm happy. We've got five. Five sandwiches and seven people. Three more people show up. You tell me I need to feed them. Totally fine.

I can absolutely feed these three people. Which three people are going to go hungry instead? You're just going to put it to your boss. You can say, I'll do whatever you want me to do. What's the priority? And then this is where your boss may be squirrelly and be like, they're all equal priorities. You can say, I'm having a lot of trouble understanding that because, like, which one is the most important? They're like, they're all important.

Then you can say, like, okay, I don't think I'm going to be able to get to all these. Well, you need to get to all these. And then you kind of like have your answer, which is, you know, that this place may not be very okay to stay at. There's another actually interesting high-level play that you can make here, which is you can ask your boss. it sounds like you're getting a ton of like unreasonable requests. Does that make sense? Stephen? Yeah, yeah, it does.

Yeah, it does. And then what do you think? Because like if your boss is like, they're all a priority, like, what do you? Like, they've got pressure too. And it's like, it's a really good tactic where you can suddenly be on their side and you can say, look, I'm happy to try to help you. It sounds like they're asking you to do too much. can we try to figure out together like how to prioritize this

so this is something that a lot of people don't understand when it comes to overbearing bosses so there's a there's a saying that we've got shit rolls downhill yeah but what that means is even if it's winding up with you what that means is that it rolled past your boss and so these are the kinds of techniques that were never really taught but you can try empathizing with your boss and saying, like, look, I know you've got too much to work on.

Honestly, I'm doing the best that I can. This sounds like it's ridiculous. I don't want to let you down. I don't want to let your bosses down. I want to try to help you shine. But like, this is crazy, dude. I need some help figuring out how to prioritize. And it's very hard for bosses to, when you frame it like that, like you're asking for help and that you want to succeed.

it's very hard for bosses to be like, fuck you, do it all. And then what we've actually seen is that you can sort of be like that your boss is ally. They can start treating you a lot better. Like you can kind of even model behavior for them to set limits with people above them. Right. And it's kind of weird, but it can work really well. So in your case, I think there are a couple of different things to do. So one is I'd say that you'd be really careful about your feeling of not disappointing people

or your fear of disappointing people in the moment. Because that's what sets you up actually for failure. And you've got to be able to tolerate some of like setting limits with people and then being disappointed in you. And then the second thing is there's like language that you can use to mitigate that disappointment and really demonstrate to your boss that you really do want to try. You really do care about your job. You're a hard worker.

You're willing to go the extra mile. But what they're asking is like way more. Like, you started going the extra mile three miles ago. And you can go the extra mile or kilometer based on your accent. But, you know, like going five kilometers extra is just too much. And you don't want to come across as, if your boss isn't compassion, you don't want to come across as I'm burnt out. I can't handle it. To be like, this is, this work, the pace of this work is really, really high.

I'm struggling to keep up. I'm trying to prioritize. Will you help me? And if they say, no, I'm not going to help you prioritize. You need to do it all. Then you're already looking for other jobs. And then the key thing is when you leave that job, they're going to ask you to stay, and you're going to probably should say no.

So I think there's a personal level to this and there's like a work level to this. Does that help? I totally. Yeah. Yeah, it does. It really does. And I think you, the student became the master, Steve. even, because you are telling us that, okay, like, the glass keeps growing, and no amount of external recognition will be sufficient, which you're spot on, right? And then the last thing I'll kind of leave you with is a dimension for exploration is when did you start needing the recognition of others to feel good about yourself?

Wow. That's a long time ago. I'm an old guy. So, so that's where you can go to the root of the problem. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Cool? Yeah, I'm cool. Thank you very much for calling in, Stephen. Thank you for taking the time.

You're very welcome, my friend. Good luck to you. Thank you. You too. All right. So I think we kind of summed up there too, but there's this interesting cycle of I don't want to disappoint people. So I can't tolerate telling people no. because of I need their approval. Why do I need their approval? Because I don't feel good about myself. So when you don't feel good about yourself,

you need the recognition of others to fill that void. So now that I need the recognition of others and the esteem of others to feel good about myself, when someone comes and asks me for something, then I can't say no, because I need this person to not be disappointed in me. The tricky thing there is that this is not a winning strategy because then the

if I can't turn someone down, then people keep on asking me and keep on asking me and keep on asking me and then I set myself up for failure because I'm overtaxed and under-resourced. And then as I'm overtaxed and under-resourced, I end up disappointing people. As I end up disappointing people,

I feel worse about myself. As I feel worse about myself, I need more recognition from other people to balance that. And so bizarrely, I know it sounds kind of weird, but to stop letting people down, you have to start letting people down.

Right? To stop disappointing people, what you've got to do is start disappointing people, which is setting limits and tolerate that disappointment in the moment, which will feel terrible for like an hour. But will save you so much a week from now, two weeks from now, three weeks from now.

Because then something magical will happen. As you start to set limits, you can actually start doing a good job. As you start to do a good job, you're going to get positive recognition. And then I know it sounds kind of bizarre, but like you'll, like that it'll start to balance out. And as you start satisfying people, they're going to be okay with like, you know, you setting boundaries on them.

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