HealthyGamerGG - Why You Can't Make Any Decisions...

Episode Date: December 30, 2022

Why You Can't Make Any Decisions... Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The people who are deciding, they don't seem to be operating in this really inefficient way. Like, they seem to actually kind of like be relatively happy. They kind of make a decision. They sort of stick with it. How does that work? What's going on there? Hello, Sarasaswan Mangau Pasad here. If you want to get control of your life and understand how the mind works,

check out a DIY guide to mental health. The link is in description, huh? Does Dr. K have any videos on indecisement? The answer is yes. I have a lot of videos. And we're going to keep making videos until you all become decisive. So today we're going to talk a little bit about indecisiveness. And let's understand like why is indecisiveness like such a problem, right? Because we know that there are kind of two kinds of people in life.

They're the indecisive people like myself who have a couple of options. I can do A or I can do B. And I don't know. There's like A has these pros and these cons and B has these pros and these cons and like, I don't know how to make a decision. I don't know how to make a decision. And then as we're indecisive, we procrastinate. as we procrastinate, the decision sort of becomes harder, and then we're forced to choose. We always end up choosing anyway.

But in that window of time in which we were indecisive, something is lost. We're not quite sure what is lost, but it definitely feels like something is lost, right? And on the flip side, we've got the decisive people. These are the people who are like, they just like make a decision. Right? They're like, oh, like they're not struggling with indecision. Like they're confident, they're decisive. They just make decisions.

They just go for it. They're just living life. Because that's what it is, right? A decisive person is out there actually living life. And an indecisive person is sitting back there not living life. We're trying to live life, but we just can't figure out which way to live it. And so it's really challenging because we're trying to figure out, okay, how can I become this decisive person?

Like, how can I start just like living life instead of like stressing out about like what's the right decision and what's the wrong decision? Because let's be clear. What indecisiveness is about is if you really think about it, it's like, how do I make the right decision? And how do I, like, what if it's the wrong decision, right? Like, what if I choose something? because that's why we can't choose.

Like, why can't we pick? Because it's fundamental, if you think about it, you're afraid of making the wrong decision. Because if you weren't afraid of making the wrong decision, there's no, there's no indecisiveness. And so indecisiveness is really tricky because usually the way that we approach it is we try to like logic ourselves to the right decision, right? So what I'll do is I'll do something like I'll make a pro and con list. And if you really think about why do we make pro and con lists, we try to make pro con lists

because at the end of the list, we hope that it's, decision will emerge. If I make a list of things, pros and cons of choice A, pros and cons of choice B, my hope is that at the end I can look at those two things. I can see five pros over here and one con over here, and two pros over here and five cons over here. And then the decision gets made for me. So the really tricky thing is that a lot of the times we think we're trying to become more decisive, but we're not actually becoming more decisive. What we're actually hoping to do is work our way towards not needing to make a decision. We're working our way towards the decision being made for us.

Because if we make a pro and con list, if we talk to enough people, if we do enough research, then we will find the right answer. And then I won't have to make a decision because the decision will sort of be made for me. Does that kind of make sense? That a lot of the ways that we deal with indecisiveness

is that we like try to like bypass the problem. We don't want to commit to making a decision and making it a wrong decision. We're trying to trick ourselves into not making a decision at all. And so it's kind of strange, right? But now we can sort of see why indecisiveness persists, because we're never actually tackling the indecisiveness. What we're doing is trying to set up a situation

where we never have to make a decision to begin with because it's so clearly the right decision that we don't have to overcome whatever that thing is. And so now if we really want to understand, okay, how do I become more decisive? Let's start by understanding, okay, what is it that thing that we're actually trying to avoid? What is it that makes it

hard to make a decision. So I want to give you all a very simple exercise. The next time that you're indecisive about something, you've got two options. Just grab a coin and flip the coin. And if it's heads, you're going to choose option A. And if it's tails, you're going to choose option B. Easy, right? If you're indecisive, just flip a coin and let the coin decide. Now, if you are even thinking about that, and if you actually do it, what you'll notice is actually something really, really cool. Which is that the thought of flipping a coin is terrifying. Actually flipping the coin, you're not even going to listen to what the coin says. Do you guys see that? As you think about flipping the coin, or as you actually flip a coin, what you'll notice is like this like feeling that starts in

your gut and kind of comes into your throat makes you kind of want to vomit. No, you don't want to do it that way, which is interesting, right? Like if you really stop and think about it for a second, you flip a coin, it's not what you wanted to say you flip again. Wait, hold on a second. But then do you want to, since you didn't like the first one, are you going to go with the second? It's like there's something weird going on inside you. And so anytime you look at indecisive, What you're actually going to find is what's at the root of it is actually a fear of regret. Because what makes a decision hard to make? Well, what if it's the wrong decision?

Right? I have to make the right decision and I can't make the wrong decision. Because if I make the wrong decision, then like, it's the wrong decision and then I'm going to suffer and I'm going to regret and I'm going to miss out. So if we really look at what indecisiveness is about, it's not about indecisiveness or decisiveness. It's about an inability to deal with regret from your decisions. So what you're actually trying to do when you're struggling with indecisiveness is live a perfect life. You're trying to live a life that's free of any regrets because here's your thinking. If I make all the right decisions, then I'll make the right decisions and then I won't have anything to regret and then I'll be happy.

And my happiness depends on the decision that I make. Does that kind of make sense? So then what we can sort of conclude is that what we're thinking about with indecisiveness is I'm looking for the right decision. And the more indecisive I am, the more I want to be sure. sure that I'm making the right decision. Because if I'm making the right decision, then I will be happy and I won't miss out. So if we kind of think about that for a second, like, okay, what about people who are decisive? If it follows that indecisive people are trying to make the right decision and we struggle and we're like, oh my God, right? We're thinking about it. We're weighing pros and cons.

We're doing all this work to end up with the right decision. And if there are people out there that are just making decisions, right? Like, there are people who go into restaurants and they're just like ordering food and they're like, what do you? you want? And then they just shrug their shoulders and they're like, you know what? What's your favorite? I'll get that. There are people out there live in life like that. But what if it's the wrong thing? What if they don't like it? And so we would assume that, okay, so if the more time I spend making the decision, away pros and cons list, away my pros and cons, I do a bunch of research, that should lead to the right decision. What should actually follow is that people who are decisive are actually making

wrong decisions, right? Because the people are just like, they're not really thinking about it. They're not doing their research. There's flipping a coin. They're just going out there, living their life. They're like, yeah, I'm going to order this. Eh, you know. It should follow that people who are more decisive are making wrong decisions. Like, their decisions are flawed.

And so then we kind of think about it and we're like, we don't want to make a wrong decision, right? That's why we're doing this? Let's think through that for a second. So why don't we want to make a wrong decision? Well, if I don't want to make a wrong decision, what happens if I make the wrong one? What do I do then? Well, decisions aren't forever, right?

We kind of know that. So if decisions aren't forever, then what I can do if I order the wrong thing, then I can order something else. or next time I'll get something else. And let's say you pick something as a major. You're trying to decide what to major and you decide you don't like it. Then you have to switch over to the other one. And so what's the problem with that?

Well, it leads to inefficiency. Because the people who are indecisive, like, we don't want to waste time, right? If I had made the right decision in the first place, I wouldn't have wasted a year studying the wrong thing. And so we want to really avoid inefficiency, right? Because like, I don't want to waste time. Okay, so that sort of makes sense. So then it follows that if I'm indecisive and I'm,

I end up sort of picking the right thing, then I'll be very efficient. That's the goal of, you know, making the right decision, right? So we don't have to like clean up our mess. We don't have to change our course. We don't have to waste any time. So then it should also follow that people who are decisive are wasting more time. They're more inefficient, right? It kind of makes sense. Like if the whole point of indecisiveness is to make sure we make the right choice and make sure that it's efficient, then the people who are decisive should be making wrong choices all the time. They should be course correcting all the time. They should be living really inefficient lives that are filled with mistakes and regret. But is that actually how they live? Do you feel like people

who are decisive or screwing up left, right, and center? Do you feel like they're incredibly inefficient? They start one thing and then they do something else. Like how does it feel? Well, no, it actually doesn't, this is what's kind of weird, right? It's like, wait a minute, hold on. The people who are deciding, they don't seem to be operating in this really inefficient way. Like, they seem to actually kind of like be relatively happy. They kind of make a decision. They sort of stick with it. How does that work?

What's going on there? Because these people who are, you know, decisive, they're sort of less afraid of regret, right? They're kind of okay making a mistake. But then why aren't they making mistakes all the time? And so that's where like we really have to tunnel down and understand this. As we look at people who are more decisive, we begin to see that their lives actually seem to be having less mistakes.

Right? They don't seem to be like course correcting quite as, much or they don't seem to be like filled with regret. And like, let's try to understand a little bit about what's going on there. Right. So how is that? If they're just sort of randomly choosing, or maybe it's not randomly choosing, but if they're choosing without doing all this research, then how is it that they're not making mistakes? And I think something fundamental has happened. And our society is getting way worse than this way. And fundamentally, what's happened is we've started to assume that the rightness of the, or the wrongness of a particular course of action comes

from the decision. We've started to kind of surrender control of our ability to shape the outcome. We've started to think that the rightness or wrongness comes from the decision as opposed to what we do with the decision. And a great example of this is online dating, right? So if you look at online dating, everyone is trying to make the right decision. It's kind of like we're kind of looking at people and we're trying to find the right person. Because if I can check all the boxes, then my relationship will be good. We're trying to do, make all that decision, up front. We're trying to find the perfect person because it's the perfect person that leads to the perfect relationship, right? I need to find the one. But actually, if you look at people,

and this is what's sort of interesting about growing up being Indian, is I come from a culture where arranged marriages happen. And the thing about arranged marriages is you don't get to pick the perfect person. Like you sort of try. Your family sort of tries. But there's this attitude of like making the decision work, right? And this is what we've actually really. really, this is the difference between an indecisive person and a decisive person. The indecisive person tries to pick the right choice. And the decisive person makes whatever choice they pick work. It's this idea that whatever you choose, you can kind of make it work.

It's what you do after the decision that's really important. And this is precisely why they don't end up sort of in bad places, right? Because when a decisive person makes a decision, it doesn't look like a mistake. And why doesn't it look like a mistake? because it's not because they made the right choice, it's because what they did after the choice, that decisiveness actually affects the outcome. The outcome is not dictated by the choice. It's dictated by what you do after you make the choice. So a great example of this. One of my favorite Dota two players, this professional Dota two players, this guy named Notail. And my favorite quote

from Notail is he kind of says that sometimes your team is doing stuff that's stupid. Like half of your team is making a stupid play. And sometimes the only choice that you've got when your team is making a stupid play, is to actually make it with them. That decisive stupid plays will outperform indecisive good plays, which is really fascinating, right? Because if you really look at that, and this is a two-time TI champion, by the way, so there's something, maybe it's on to something here. I think the key thing, though, is that if we look at people who are decisive, they find a way to make it work. And instead of trying to make the right decision, the outcome of the decision depends on what you do afterward.

And now let's kind of take a look at the flip side. Let's look at someone who makes an in, who's very indecisive. So if I'm indecisive and I'm trying to find the right decision, what happens in my psychology? Okay, do I go with A or do I go with B? Do I date this person? Do I marry this person or do I marry this person? Which one do I do? And if I'm indecisive about it, right?

I procrastinate it. I wait till the last minute and I pick something. And as I pick that thing, if I'm assuming that the decision correlates with the outcome, and I'm procrastinating and I'm indecisive, what do you think is going to happen? What's going to be the outcome? The outcome is going to be bad. And what does the indecisive person conclude when they pick something and the outcome is bad? What they conclude, and this is what's crazy, is I made the wrong decision.

They get PTSD from making the wrong decision. Oh my God. And then you regret, right? I should have chosen the other thing. If I had chosen the other thing, everything would have been fine. So now you're traumatized by this. The next time that you have to make a decision, what happens? That trauma is front and center.

I don't want to make that mistake again. I'm afraid of that regret. I made a mistake. Now you're indecisive again. You don't know. You make a bunch of pros and cons. You try your level best to get other people to convince you which one is right because then you don't have to make the decision.

You don't have to be indecisive. You want to make it a slam dunk, right? But you're still indecisive. And you end up picking something else. And now this time, because once again, you're indecisive about it, what ends up happening? You make the decision. You hope it'll work out this time. But let me ask you all something.

If your strategy in life is, I hope it'll work out for me, what do you think your outcomes are going to be? They're going to be crap. And so again, you screw up. The outcome is crap. It's inefficient. You have to make a change. And so once again, you're like, oh, crap, I made the wrong decision.

The fear of regret increases. Minor trauma. The next time a decision rolls around. I've got to make the right decision because I've made the wrong decision two times in a row. And so the cycle repeats itself and you become more and more and more indecisive. And it all tunnels down to, first of all, what is it that makes it hard to make a decision? The fear of regret, the fear of making a mistake.

Secondly, it's the indecision itself that correlates with the poor outcome. It's the idea that I can make the choice. And if I make the right choice, I can mentally check out, bros. I found the perfect person. I found the perfect person on the planet, which means that my relationship will be successful because I found the one, right? It's about picking the right thing. It's not about how you play out the relationship. And so if you're really struggling with indecision, a couple of things you need to understand. The first is that it's the fear of regret that's actually that resistance.

You're afraid of making a mistake. Second thing you've got to understand is that mistakes are completely normal. There's no way to avoid making mistakes. And you're like, I don't know which one is right for me. There's no right for you or wrong for you. Like, anytime you go to a restaurant, I'll tell you how I struggle with this. Kind of bizarre, but I really like tacos. And I struggle. There's a huge, the gigantic problem I struggle with every single day. Every time I want to eat a taco, do I go to the place where I know I like tacos?

Or do I try a new place? Because the new place could have better tacos. But if I go to that place and the tacos aren't as good, I could have eaten at my favorite taco place. And thus my happiness in life has been forever diminished because I've eaten one subpar taco meal. when I could have had a good taco meal. But if I go to my favorite taco place, what if I'm missing out? What if this taco place?

I think it's a 10, but it's actually only a 9, and a 10 lives out there. There's an even better and even more delicious taco place that exists out in the world. So much indecision. Instead, just pick a taco place.

If it's not enjoyable, what's the harm? You can go back to the other. You're never going to go again. And if you find a new place and it's great, so easy. Right? So don't be afraid of inefficiency. You've got to make changes.

You're going to make pivots. Don't be afraid of making the wrong choice because the choice, the wrongness isn't in the choice. It's in what you do after you make the choice. You're so terrified about inefficiency, but that's like, it's kind of part of life, right? So I can also be someone who can sort of say, like, I've made a lot of inefficient choices in my life, i.e. failing out of college and playing too many video games and all that good stuff, spending three years applying to medical school, like starting medical school at the age of 28, so much inefficiency. And here's what I'm telling you. It kind of doesn't matter, right?

And this is what's really interesting about people who are decisive. It's people who are decisive. can afford to be decisive is because if you can make the wrong choice, you have the capacity to pivot. So if you're struggling with indecisiveness, start by understanding that it's a fear of regret. Second thing you've got to understand is that there is no right choice or wrong choice. There's just the choice that you make. Each choice is going to have advantages and disadvantages. It's what you do after you make the choice that makes it the outcome, a good outcome or a bad outcome. And it's even baked into our language because we'll say, is this the right choice or the wrong choice. Like, the rightness and the wrongness precede the choice. You all see that?

Whereas what we're really missing here is the rightness or wrongness doesn't come from the choice. It comes from what comes after. A little bit of inefficiency is totally fine. Even a lot of inefficiency is totally fine. It's just the price of tuition. So if you want to be a little bit more decisive, you've got to be a little bit more open to making mistakes. And the huge irony here is as you become open to making mistakes, you're able to fully commit. As you're able to fully commit, you actually, that results in fewer mistakes, which is why we see these people who are decisive, who are making all these decisions without sort of thinking about all the inefficiencies, without all of this regret, and somehow they seem to be making the right decisions because they're

not making mistakes. And their lives, they seem to be enjoying themselves. They seem to be productive. And it's like, wait, how are they making all these right choices? And that's the huge paradox, is that it's the way that you commit to a decision that ultimately determines what the outcome is. So if you're struggling with indecision, stop trying to make the right choice. You can't make the right choice. You can just make a choice. And the more that you commit to that choice, the more that you're willing to pivot, the more that you're willing to, and you may say that's kind of weird, what about commitment

and pivot? You commit to the choice and then if you need to pivot, then you're decisive about the pivot, right? It's better to commit to a choice and be decisive about the choice and decisive about the pivot than it is to be indecisive about both of those things. Should I stay? Should I quit? Should I break up with this person?

should I stay in this person. I've been in this relationship for three years. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. So completely flip it on its head. And you'll be amazed at what your life turns into. Because the last thing that I'll share with you

is that you don't have to live a perfect life. Life is actually completely enjoyable if you don't eat the tastiest tacos every single day. You can actually afford to eat subpar tacos and you'll be totally fine. This is what I've learned after 40 years on this earth. So hopefully this has been a little bit helpful to you. I know it's kind of weird.

But really pay attention to the source of your indecisiveness. and recognize that it's not the choice that determines the outcome.