HealthyGamerGG - Why You Can't Stop Consuming Video Games & Anime | Viewer Interview

Episode Date: July 21, 2021

Taken from stream dated July 16, 2021. Stream Schedule: https://www.twitch.tv/healthygamer_gg on Twitch. Youtube: https://youtu.be/s5cjlHMkOUM for VoD Archive. Support us at https://ko-fi.com/healthygamer if you enjoy our content and would continue helping making it accessible to everyone! Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome, friend. Oh, thank you. Thanks for having me. It's good to be here. Yeah, thanks for coming. So help me, let's start with, what do you go by? My phone name is Dominic, but people call me Dom. Okay.

So Dom, and what are we talking about today? What's on your mind? The biggest thing, and I saw the stream subject, it was computer is slowly ruining my life. Okay. And that's that's kind of, I guess that's the biggest. That's the tip of the iceberg. And I guess we're going to explore deeper down as we go through. Okay.

So that's interesting because you said it's the biggest and you said it's the tip of the iceberg. That's true. I did say that. Most obvious. How about that? Yeah. So it, and I'm hearing if we're going to dig down, Dom, what I'm hearing is that maybe like you kind of said, that's what you see. like the behavior that you observe is that you the computer is slowly ruining your life yeah yeah

it's it's like it's not just computer it's computer is kind of like the mode of transportation to a lot of things uh i mean it could be comic books it could be manga it could be netflix video games i mean reddit it doesn't matter i i label the computer because that's what i use to get to my fix, you know? Okay. So help me understand what, what, why do you say that the computer is slowly ruining your life? What does that mean?

Um, I think, I think the biggest thing I mean by that is I have a lot of goals outside of electronic things. Uh, I want to learn bass guitar. I think my bass is in frame. Yeah, I'm trying to learn bass guitar. Funny enough, I need to use the computer to learn bass guitar. I want to learn how to write skateboard, a lot of academic goals and sports goals. I run track and field, the university, and it's hard to run a track practice on little amounts of sleep when you're gaming all night.

Okay. So it sounds like you're not happy with yourself for not being able to achieve your goals. Yeah, yeah, there's a there's a lot of frustration. Can you hold on just one second? There we go. I just realized I forgot to switch over the overlay, so people haven't been able to see you until now. Oh, unlucky. We fixed it.

Thank you. Now chat can see me. You know, prior to the computer, we have this boomer device called a phone, and sometimes my team has to contact me. It's like a miniature computer that can do. very few things. Dude, that sounds really useful and helpful in your pocket. It's like a device that can solely do voice chat. Well, you can do DMs, sort of.

We call them texts. Whoa, crazy. Kind of like emails, kind of like short emails. Yeah, it's like a short email, exactly. So you sound a little bit frustrated that you're not sort of achieving your goals. Yeah, a little bit is kind of an understatement. There are times when, because I used to think I didn't have an anger.

And I used to kind of just, like, bury it in a sense, or maybe just ignore it, not kind of bury it because it kind of just explodes. But when over the past year, it came to points where I just had nothing to do. And I didn't want to play video games, but I didn't know how to do. but I didn't know how to do anything else, right? I didn't know how to go skateboard. I couldn't practice space because I didn't own one. I couldn't start journaling because I didn't own any journals, right?

So, like, the only thing I could do while in quarantine, after I finished my homework, was play video games. And I guess when it came to the point where I, like, acknowledged my anger at myself, I don't know how to play piano. And I'm frustrated with that. You know, I'm not getting the grades that I wanted to. And I'm frustrated with that. You know, I'm not running the track and field times that I wish I was, you know, and I'm frustrated with that. It kind of just explodes and I got, you know, I got to go take a steaming walk outside and make sure it's a, well, steaming as an I'm steaming. What do you mean by explodes?

But it kind of, like my face gets red. I can't focus on one thing. Like, I'll think about one thing that's upsetting. and then I'll just think about the next thing and then I'll just think about the next thing and I'll just think about the next thing and it kind of just gets out of control and all of a sudden I'm not thinking about

what I initially thought about right and all of a sudden I'm angry at my parents or I'm angry at politics or I'm angry at YouTube or I'm angry at the current smash Bros meta right? Like it doesn't matter what it is I just I get just frustrated

with stuff yeah yeah sometimes you know I'll joke about people becoming anger elementals. Yeah. And what I'm sort of noticing is that your anger will find something, like, you feel the anger, and it seems like it's looking for some kind of outlet to latch onto, whether

it's parents or the meta and a video game, and that each thing that you engage with, like actually like boosts up the anger more. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, definitely. That's a good way to put it. So help me understand, Don, okay, let me just lay a couple things out, okay? So here's what I think we can talk about.

You know, I want to better understand what it means when you say, like, computer games are ruining your life. Because what I see is, you know, you're like, you seem to have a touch of the chad within you. Like, you're in school, you run track and field, you know, you're learning. Like, you have a bass guitar. It sounds like you're not.

not very good, but that, you know, you're, you know, there's, there's, I can imagine, I know it sounds kind of weird, but like, I can imagine that a lot of people who are watching would actually, like, envy certain parts of your life and wish they could do what you wanted to do. So I'm curious about, you know, how video games are ruining your life. I also think that we may wind up talking a little bit about, you know, two directions, which is like, where does that anger come from? Because it seems like the anger can choose to get mad about any sort of thing. And what we tend to do is we say when we get mad about something, that the thing is where the anger is coming from. But if you have someone who's emotionally angry, they can get angry about anything. And it actually, if you really

pay attention, it seems like the anger is not caused by politics or the Smash Brothers meta, but that those are triggers for the anger that's already inside. So we may talk about that. And the last thing that really I think this could be interesting is we can try to understand, like, why do you have these goals in the first place? Like, where do goals come from? How does our mind decide, hey, I want to do this thing? Because what you're doing is you're kind of setting a goal for yourself and you're buying yourself frustration by not achieving it. Yeah. Yeah.

It's like a discounted price of the anger ticket, I guess. Exactly, right? I'll love it. great that's a great way to put it so what does that sound okay to you do those topics seem like they would interest you or be hopefully maybe okay i mean especially because it's like how i've seen i've seen streams i watch i love this i love this channel dude this place is this is not a cult no matter what uh chat says but i'm part of the dr k cult so there it is a pro cult face phrase coming.

There is, of course. And so, yeah, I know how these streams can kind of go where we didn't even expect it. So it's like, as long as we just get going and get rolling. Let's do it. So tell me. I'm pumped and excited. How are computer games ruining your life?

They, I use them, I use them to cope and I use them to, I use them instead of things that I wish I was doing. That includes the talents and the things I'm working on that includes hanging out with friends or going on with dates. And I don't like playing video games as much as I used to. And when I say as much as I used to, I want to like go into that, like explain that a bit. Because although I have a little bit, sure, like I have a touch of the Chad within me.

I was the lucky one in my family to get the Chad within me. None of my friends, none of my brothers or sisters are athletic. My dad, actually, I can't play basketball, ironically, because when I asked my dad to teach me how to play basketball, he said he didn't know how to either. Then he just took me inside and showed me his GameCube because he loved GameCube, right? And then we played RTSs online and Don of War, Lord of the Rings, Battle for Middle Earth. I mean, all the age of empires, I just gamed with him. That's how we bonded, right? So video games kind of became that thing for me, right?

I wouldn't. Just a quick question. When you say it's ironic that I can't play basketball, is that because you're black? Is that when you're saying it's ironic? You're not missing something there. There's a touch of that. It's all jokes have, it's like a pie chart, right? So it's like, I am black, I'm athletic.

I'm tall. I'm like 6'3 and I have big hands and everyone always assumes I play basketball. Okay, okay. So it's not just the color of your skin. It's also your height. No, yeah, yeah. I just wanted to understand why is it ironic that, you know, a gamer can't play basketball? I just lost me there.

Yes. People, people, I mean, people never see me as a gamer, right? They never, they never picture me to be that guy. you know um funny funny thing yeah well when i was a kid um i moved into this new area and i was hanging out with a bunch of guys and these people were talking about narto and one of my good friends today he wasn't a good friend then because i was just meeting him he turned to me he's like don't pay attention to those losers right he literally said that i was like dude what's wrong with narto like that shows sick and all the losers like freaked out they're like oh this guy knows and

he's one of us. He's one of us. And it's funny that kind of... Though he looketh like a Chad, he hath the heart of a weeb. Dude, oh no, I try not to be a weeb. I try not to. I can't. Sorry, it sounded like you were about to say something important. I couldn't help myself.

Well, it kind of, like, it kind of goes into another facet of why video games and manga and anime and comics are ruining my life because... although, like, once I said, like, what's wrong with Naruto, all the chads in that group, like, immediately dismissed me. And, like, immediately, like, oh, he's one of them, right? Not one of us, one of them. And throughout the school year, like, they just, they didn't invite me out as much as they did within that first week of me meeting them. I kind of hung out with those losers, quote, unquote. but their schedules and their motivations and their goals didn't line up so much with what I kind of wanted to do with my life.

So I ended up distancing myself from that group without having a connection to any other group. And I kind of just ended up alone. You know, I kind of just ended up playing video games by myself for a long time. And that kind of happens a lot throughout my life. and it's that weird balance between being a weeb and being big gamer, Reddit mode, Reddit Chad, uh, and kind of just being a normal person, quote, unquote, right?

Um, it's, it's caused a lot of friction, especially in high school and especially in college. Like, I'm in the middle of college right now. And I mean, people, all, all they want to do is party, dude. I just, I just want to play Harstone. that's all I want to do how do you feel about yourself for just wanting to play Heartstone

dude at times I go loser I'm like dude I really am a loser like what the heck I can't not go out right or I can't not stay in I mean a couple weeks ago I like binged all of attack on Titan

in like three days from Friday to Sunday instead of doing anything else including working out right and that like I I skipped, I got sent workouts by my coach for the summer. He's like, hey, use these, get in shape. And I just stayed in, watched anime all day and night.

And I'm super ashamed to it. And I know he'll never watch this so I can say it. I mean, I ended up lying to him on Monday. I was like, yeah, I did the workout. And these were my times. This is what I did. I just felt super ashamed and angry at myself for that, right? Like, not only can I not just go.

work out because the workout only took like an hour and a half right i can pause attack on titan for an hour and a half and come back and watch it right i mean i apparently i didn't then you'll lose the race of watching attack on titan within a whole weekend before anyone else and then it's just like i even watched it and it's it's not done right it's not caught up to the manga immediately as soon as the last episode ended i just hopped onto my manga website and just read the rest of it like i just I couldn't not stop. I needed to consume the whole thing. And then I was done, you know?

And it's kind of with everything, right? I read the boys all in one weekend, the comic out there. And like, the boys in Berserk are two comics that I read when I was relatively young, when I was like 13, 14. And those are pretty heavy manga and comics to read. you know, heavy subject, heavy concepts. And I just read it all on a weekend, even though it was like training on me mentally.

And I just, and like looking back now, when I think about my 13-year-old little brother, I was like, dude, I don't even want them to think about berserk, right? It's just such a kind of graphic subject matter. And I even though I felt drained reading it, I just blew right through it. I needed to, right? I wouldn't allow myself to not stop.

What does it mean to need to consume? What does that need? It feels like at times, like I end up looking at myself. I'm like, man, I'm just a machine. Like I just, I input these material, whether it's the primal TV show, right? The Cartoon Network, Samurai Jack, or Adventure Time, or anything. And I log it, right? I catalog it.

Like, oh, I know all of this stuff. I know all the Lourthering fun facts, right? I know all the Harry Potter secrets. And then I just move on to the next one. You know, it's like I feel like I'm just trying to fill something that I can't be filled. You know, when I look back at it, when I'm in it, when I'm in the mode, I'm just enjoying it, right? I'm watching it. I'm just doing what feels natural, you know, and it's in a sense.

And like, I'm like, oh, just watch, just watch, just watch. When I look back, I'm like, man, what did I just do? Like, I just skipped workouts for this. I just, it's going to be there, right? It's going to be there in 10 years. Watch it then. You know, Don, the way that you're talking about it actually makes me think about addiction. So what you're describing to me, like, actually reminds me of, like, patients that go on benders.

You know, like, like, and they kind of, like, wake up the next, like, you wake up on Wednesday morning and you kind of look around and you're like, Oh my God. Where did what happened? Where did my time go? What have I been? It's like it's sort of like there's like a very cloudy awareness that feels like primal and hedonistic. You know? And you're not really like you just need to consume.

It sounds very, you know, base to me. Yeah, yeah. I can definitely see it like that, especially. I mean, it's like the hangover. gamer edition, right? I guess like, it just, I don't text people while I do it, I guess, as well. Like, I just, like, if someone reaches out to me, I, like, won't respond, or I'll say,

like, sorry, I'm busy doing something else. And... What goes through your head when you say, sorry, I'm busy? Not much. It kind of just, like, that's it. Like, I just say, like, sorry, I got to, like, I don't want to. It's not saying, like, man, I got to think of this convoluting. plot to convince them I'm busy.

It's like I don't want to go hang out with them, so I'm just going to tell them I'm busy. Not so much like, oh, I got a front that I'm so active outside, you know? Yeah. So I know that sounds kind of weird, but, you know, what do you think it is that you're trying to fill up with all of the anime? It could just be time. it's always come to a point like the reason why I'm reaching out now in a sense is because I've never before

skipped workouts to watch anime or watch a show or play video games or read a comic I've always been able to like parallel them within my life you know keep them separate like I got to work out now I got to get up for 4 a.m. workouts so I'm going to bed at 8.30 right?

I'm going to do what I need to do to make sure my outside life is successful within the past year it's kind of just spiraled out of control you know yeah

and a lot of it could be because like school canceled and workouts were canceled so I was like dude all the time in the world to play video games like I can do what I've been wanting to do since I was 11 years old

and man I again I just consumed like I just I got this game called Vermintytee 2 for my dad for my birthday present and I just played the heck out of it. I mean, all summer, I just played and played and played.

And then I got Guild Wars 2. It doesn't matter what kind of game, you know. Like whatever game I just get attached to, Slay the Spire, played a lot of, like, I'll get it for one weekend, and I'll play it for like 30, 40 hours within five, six days. And then I'll kind of get sick of it. And then I'll move on. And, I mean, perfect example is this last.

Christmas break when school was a thing. So in 2019 to 2020 Christmas break, I bought myself a Christmas present of Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic 1 and 2. And for those two weeks, I spent like 41 hours on the first game. And then the next week, I spent like 36 hours on the second game. I just beat it and I just played right through it. And then like I'll look at like Snapchat, like Instagram and I'll be like seeing all these

people going on trips and hanging out with each other. I'm like hanging out like down the street, right? They're hanging out in the city right next to I live. I'm like, man, it'd be fun to, it'd be fun to go hang out. I'll just continue to game, right? I won't even reach out to them. I'll like, I'll get angry at them for not reaching out to me. I'll be like, oh, I wouldn't be playing this video game if they reached out to me, you know?

And like, these guys love me. They would be so down to hang out with me if I reached out to them. But like I get in this point where I'm like angry at them for not reaching out to me. So I like just continue playing, you know? Does that make sense? Is that a, is that a? Makes a lot of sense. Can maybe I can share with you what I heard and then you tell me if it makes sense.

So I am getting the sense that you really do have like almost like this kind of compulsion kind of thing where like you'll you'll sort of like willingly kind of dive into this. Right. And you'll come up for air like a week later. And then it's in those moments of like when your head breaks the surface of the water and you're like looking around that you're like, oh, hold on, there's a life that exists outside of this. And then you'll kind of blame yourself for diving underwater for so long. You'll blame other people for not pulling you above water. There's like some amount of self-loathing. Like, you know, you'll blame anything and everything for putting you into these situations.

and then you take a deep breath and then you play Cotor 2. Yeah. Right. That's well put. That's why you're the doctor man, the cult leader. I mean, you're the one who shared it, bro. I'm just repeating it back. And so what do you think it is that, you know,

what goes through your head between Cotor 1 and Cotor 2? Or is that really, was it, was there not, did you not come up for Airbus? between those two. Yeah, I don't think I came up for her between those two. I mean, it just, and the problem is, is I, those games are some of the best games of all time. I forget, I love those games. And I recommend them to everybody. I bought them for my cousin because I was like, yo, dude, you need this game.

And it's like, I enjoy the things I do, like these binges. I enjoy the characters. I enjoy reading. Like, I read the Invincible Comics, like when I was like 18. And I read them all in like a weekend, like again, a weekend. And I just loved it. And then the show came out. And I was like, dude, I'm so pumped.

And it's actually a funny story because I was hanging out with a girl. And I was scrolling through YouTube. And we were talking and I could like tell like things were moving to a point of like physical intimacy. Right. And then I saw the trailer for Invincible on YouTube. And I was like, I have to watch this. Like you are going to have to be put on pause for like 10 minutes so I can watch this. and then I think J.K. Simmons was like the voice act.

I was just losing my mind. I was like, and I ended up nothing happening because I was so worked up on Invincible in this new show coming out. And it's just a funny thing, kind of just like how my priorities like shift to like these mediums of entertainment, you know, whatever it is. Don, I'm getting the sense that you're kind of stuck between two worlds. like yeah yeah

continue sorry sorry I was just agreeing with you how tell me about that um and you again you guys know I'm I run track and field and it's not that I just run track and field like I'm pretty good and I have a lot of potential

and I mean like putting it say I wouldn't be able to pay for college without track and field you know like without it's basically like a job and it's not Only it can be a lifestyle. There's people and new people who would go to college just to be the track athlete at their favorite college.

And to me, it was always kind of just like something that I saw. And I was like, that's weird that they care about track this much. And then I'd come to these binges, then I'd come out and kind of be jealous of them, right? Because they're going to the parties. They're, you know, like them just running track and feel. is like what they desire and what they strive for, right? And me being blessed and talented, it kind of just being a means to the end, a means to an end, right?

I just, I feel like, what's, like, I want to be part of that, right? And like, like we've kind of pointed out before, it's like, so I'll try to push myself towards that, right? But it'll be friction and it'll be kind of unwanted because I've never been a party, you know, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do anything like that. and kind of just trying to like fit myself in these placeholders can like cause. What do you care about? When I think about it, I'm really, really close with my family. And I'm really close with friends that are like family, you know? And I think when I kind of self-analyze myself, like that's where a lot of this is coming from.

My family, they game. That's my family thing. We have this huge land room in our living room where, like, there's four PCs set up. And all of us have Steam accounts and all of us buy these games. And we'll just play from like 3 p.m. to 2 a.m. Right? We'll buy Terraria when there's a one that's on sale and we'll just grind it. We'll just play it and play it and play it.

We'll order pizza. It doesn't matter. That's just what we do. And it didn't, it didn't like really occur to me, like, how. unhealthy that can be for kids because I mean I started doing that when I was like 11. When Terraria first came out like my dad and I played Terraria until like 3 a.m. for like four nights in a row. And that's one of like some of the greatest memories I have with my dad, you know.

But when I think back to it, I'm like I'm a nutrition major, right? I'm learning about how important sleep is for young kids. I was like, holy cow. What was my dad doing? Like why didn't he just tell me to go to bed and we could just play in the morning, you know? and I come back and I see my younger brothers doing that thing, the same type of patterns and the same type of things. And going through the same struggles I went through, you know, as a teenager.

And a lot of that's just teenager struggles, right? It's tough being a junior high kid. And I get angry, right? Like we said earlier, I get mad. And I also get mad that, like, that's how we, again, like, that's what I care about. Like, I care about my family. And that's how we bond, you know? Why does that make you angry?

A big thing is because I've put so much time, so much of my time as a youth into these useless games. Like, On of War III is one of the greatest RTS games of all time, in my mind, right? And I've put hundreds of hours into it. Like, I look at them, thinking myself, like, what if I put 100 of hours into, like, drawing, right? or theater or bass guitar or skateboard, right? Something that would, something that just doesn't leave me empty, you know? Something that doesn't kind of just drain me like it does.

And I get mad because I get mad that I didn't have the supervisors or like the adult supervision to ward me against that, you know. And I don't have a problem with video games in moderation. like when I go through these binges and I go and I look back how many hours I've wasted on see us go like that's just it's so pointless right I'm not I don't want to go pro why am I spending so much time on this like I could be doing literally anything and it's like I could be reading you know I've so I've bought so many books I've gotten to like the last four chapters and then like I just fizzle out you know don it sounds to me like you've wasted a fair

amount of your life or lost a fair amount of your life Yeah, yeah. That's a big, that could be, especially, especially from ages like 10 to like 17. I just, so my parents got divorced when I was 10 years old. And they, it's hard seeing your parents go through divorce when you're not old enough to kind of understand why. And you're not young enough to like just accept it as is, you know? it's it's hard like kind of seeing your parents break down

because you have these these like immortal pictures of your parents in your mind and then seeing them just kind of be human and like worthless in your mind like again I just like there was one time my dad was like eating a fish sticks because that's all he had and he just couldn't stop shaking because of how sad he was and I remember like looking at

Like, that's so sad. You know, I just thought that. And then my mom kind of just recluse herself, right? And I guess, I guess from that point, I guess where these, I just kind of threw myself into video games. And we had the lorthering discs at home, the lorthering movie discs. And I just consumed all of it. I went through every special features. And I went through every second of the movie.

And I watched every little bit of it. I did that with like every movie. I ended up going through like this, because back in the 2000s, right, we had these huge CD cases or like these little hand flips like CD books, right? And I would, we had tons of them and I would just watch over and over and over

and I went through every single one of them. It didn't matter what it was, right? I remember watching Live, Laugh, Love when I was like 10 years old or like 11 years old. And it's super chick flicky movie. But it just, it didn't matter to me, right? It was like, that's the next one. next CD, right?

And it's like, thinking back, I'm like, wow, that was a real girly movie. Don, what was it like? What did you understand about your parents' divorce? I just understood they were splitting. They were pretty volatile at times. And I knew within myself that it wasn't good, like what was going on.

and that that's about it I didn't you know when they uh I feel like every kid like secretly has like the good guy in their mind when parents get divorced unless it's just outright bad or it's actually done really well um what does it mean a good guy like uh the the aggressor in the divorce and like the one who's getting the short into the stick, right? Or the one, one who did nothing wrong in your mind, the villain, right? The villain and the, I see. The villain and the hero.

So who is the villain and who is the hero in your parents' divorce? For me, like, I just saw them both as villains in a sense. I was like, this is, like, there wasn't, both of them had their issues, right? And like, I can see that. And I was like, this, like, I don't like this at all, you know? I wasn't like, oh, if mom would stop yelling at him or if like if dad would stop hitting or like, like, my dad didn't, you know, do anything super destructive. And it's like, there was no moments like, oh, like I need to protect so and so in my mind, right? Or like, I'm going to put up.

It's like, I kind of just like, that's like, this is bad. This is not good. I don't like any of this, you know? What was in your mind? I don't remember a lot of it. I remember feelings, you know, the feelings of it bad, but like a lot of it was kind of not blocked out or forgotten, but I don't know. I just, I remember like a few key moments. I remember watching my dad walk out of the house from the window when his friend came and picked him up. And that's, that's about it from like it was like from ages like one to like eight. I remember, you know, just being a normal kid, grown up playing ghost in the graveyard outside.

And then, again, like those few key things. I remember going on a trip with my dad when they were still together, so my parents were still together. I went on a trip with my dad to Montana, and my mom didn't want to come with us. I remember that, and I remember being weirded out by that. Like my mom and my older sister stayed home. Like, why?

It's a family trip. We should all go. And it just didn't make sense to me. And that, and that, like, those few big things and like a general feeling of like, I don't like this. Like, I don't like this uneasiness. I don't like this tension. I don't like how quiet the house is, you know, or things like that. And what were things like after they got divorced?

You know, physically, it was pretty weird going from one house to the other. I didn't like that very much It was also weird because We moved within the same neighborhood So like my parents My mom, the original house was right here And then my mom just moved like two streets down So my dad kept

Well Initially what my dad left And Was staying with friends And we'd go to the friend's house And like spend time with his friends or with him. And then my mom ended up leaving the original house two doors down,

like two streets down. Then my dad ended up moving back into the original house. And we had just walked back and forth for like the weekends. And it was really weird because, I mean, he was just down the street, you know. And like mentally, in my mind, he was just down the street. But like we couldn't go see him. I couldn't go hang out with him. And that was kind of weird.

And it was also weird because he didn't have. like any furniture. So it was just like an empty house. And we got we got pretty poor at times because like one time like the water was turned off. And like I had to go to the neighbor's house and ask for water so we can like pour it into the into the toilet so we can flush. That was really gross all the time. Especially if like my younger siblings didn't tell us they used the restroom because they just forgot. And I was like oh and I'd come to an awful surprise. Then then we moved again. My mom moved again, like, down the street to, like, another apartment. And, like, the reason why we did this is because we wanted to stay within the neighborhood

and to stay within school, right? We didn't want to move schools. Sure. And then my dad ended up moving all over the place, all over the state we lived in. And, again, I just, I didn't like it. I didn't like going to different houses for the weekend. I didn't like the fact that, like, we couldn't just get back together, right? Because I remember watching Mrs. Doubtfire, right?

And, like, thinking to myself, I'm like, wow. Like, they're just so good for each other. They should just get back together, right? And that's what you kind of think when you're a kid. You're like, Robin Williams is such a hero, right? And then, you know, now I look back and like, well, they didn't end back together because, you know, they're adults and they make their decisions. As a kid, I kind of really didn't see that.

I was like, just say sorry and figure it out, right? like let's raise above our sinful states, I guess. What's wrong with that? With wanting to raise above? Yeah. I don't think there's much. I don't think there's much to the desire, but kind of like my reaction. It kind of just made me angry.

Like, again, it just made me upset that they weren't doing what I wanted, right? It made me angry. Did you try to share that with them, that you wanted them to get back together? I don't think so we didn't there wasn't a lot of parent to kid communication I should say

there wasn't a lot of mother to son communication or father to son communication there was a lot of parent to kid communication as in they fed me it kept me warm it kept me clothed right they made sure I was in sports they sent me to school but I mean when I'd come home from school

I'd say like, how's your day? I was like sick. It was fun. Super poggers, right? Then I just go sit on the computer, watch some movies, and then I wouldn't see them again until dinner. Then we'd have some dinner. Then I wouldn't see them for the rest of the night, you know? How does your dad feel about your gaming? He just sees it as normal. How do you feel about his gaming? Yeah, I don't like it. I don't like it at all. I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like kind of any of the family gaming.

Because I can see, I see my, again, like that period where I just go hide in the computer. I see that in my younger siblings, you know. I see that in what is going on with them. And I'm like, dad, like, that's your kid, man. Go talk to them. I'm like, I'll have an argument. And then next week, make up. And then next week have another argument, right?

And then make up. And then develop that kind of bridge between them, you know? and I'm confused who's having an argument are you saying that you argue with your dad or that your dad should argue with the kids so that you guys would build your relationship should argue with the kid to build a relationship right um I said argue but it could be like anything go talk with them go do anything um like where we are now is like my dad will be playing a video game and then my two younger brothers will get in the this huge fight and then one of them will start crying and then my dad's attentive. He's like, what's going on, right? What's happening, right? And then he has to play catch up for everything he wasn't paying attention to. And then it just, you know, ends up.

And the thing is we live in like, we, I used to, I don't live with them anymore, but we used to live in like a two room apartment. So like everybody in the room had to pay attention to the argument that was going on between in the discussion. And there are times like six of us in a two-room apartment, so it's like, you get a lot of emotions, and I don't know. And like seeing that now, I'm like, either A, the argument would be avoided because my dad would be able to nip the problem behavior

of one of the little brothers in the butt, or the aftermath of trying to discuss the argument or discuss the problem will be a lot smoother, because my dad kind of understands where the younger brother is coming from or the slightly older brother is coming from. Don, how does your mom feel about your gaming? She doesn't care either because I'm able to keep track and field up, right? She's like, as long as your grades are good, as long as you are performing at sports, like you can do whatever you want on the weekends, right?

How does your mom feel about your dad's gaming? Yeah, you know, I don't think she understands kind of like how much, because they don't know what goes on in between the, homes, right? They don't know what goes on in home. And I know she doesn't, she does not like a lot of the things about my dad. And there's just a lot of, there's a lot of residual anger between both of them. That to me seems childish. Do you think that your life would be better if your dad did a better job? I mean, it's, it's hard to say, it's hard to say yes, because I don't. want to say yes because my dad tried like that's that's the hard part he he was raised a nerd

i mean he was raised he his dad my grandpa was a huge star trek fan huge i mean and he he worked for nassas he had tons he was just that guy right that that 70s nerd dad right and my dad looks up to him and I look up to him like you know there's no other and I think my dad kind of tried to replicate that sense of wonder in these imaginary worlds within me right whether a Star Trek or Star Wars or Dune right he was a big Dune fan um don't does your dad have a job um he just got rehired um COVID's done a lot of hard stuff to him and the kind of habits that he had right it kind of really doubled down on these habits that he already had build up and they kind of just took over his life in a sense um

what about when you guys had the water turned off again floating through um what does that mean floating through uh he's like he was kind of like a contract like he'd do side jobs for uh x amount of money and then he'd be okay for a little bit and then he'd end up doing this one acting gig for X amount of money. Then he'd be okay for a bit and then he'd do this one computer thing. And then he ended up getting a job, then got screwed over in the job and then got a new job, right? And then at times, like, you'd be working like two or three jobs and it was really volatile. And he never, again, one thing I'm super thankful is like he never gave up, right? He never gave up on us.

and he ended up he got food on the table he paid for what he could right whether it was the water turned off or the gas was turning off he always made sure we had blankets we always made sure we had pillows and mattresses so it's like again it's hard for me to say yes

I think he would have done better if he did a better job but we could say that about any parent right I can say that what I can say is I know he tried his best for how flawed he is you know and I love him and I love him so much for that, right?

And then the greatest thing, the greatest thing about it is I'm not biologically his kid. He married my mom when I was about two years old. So he kind of stepped up and picked up this extra weight, right? And when the parents got divorced, he offered to pay child support for me as well, even though legally he didn't have to because I wasn't his kid. So it's, in my eyes,

the greatest honor a man and a choir is picking up the slack of another worthless man, you know, in regards to their kid. And that's what he did, you know, as flawed as he was, he gave me an awesome childhood. He spent as much time as he could with me, whether, you know, whether he developed this video game addiction, right? Whether he helped facilitate that. You know, he loves me. I mean, I'm a 6-3 black guy, right? But he's a 5-10 white nerd, right? And he looks at me like I'm his son, you know, and he hugs me like I'm his son.

And I love him eternally for that. You know, I can acknowledge his flaws. I can say how messed up his habits are. You know, I can say anything. But it'll never, you know, give away that love that he gave me. And that love that I offer him. No. It sounds like a real hero.

Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting when you mentioned, you know, he was white. I'd assumed that he was your biological dad. Yeah. And I like to continue. Sorry. I can only imagine how much more challenging it is to accept a child that

clearly everyone knows is not your child. And so how much more he deserves our respect. Yeah, yeah. I like to call ourselves the Jigsaw family. Because I have an older sister who has her own dad, another older sister who has her own dad, and then me has my own dad, and then the three younger siblings all have the same dad,

who's the guy I call dad. And, you know. And again, dude, it's like, I have so much love for both my parents. Because my mom, I mean, that does not sound like an easy family situation to mother, right? That's a lot of ties and that's a lot of emotions. And my mom never gave up on us. You know, she did so much for me. She's the reason I run track and field because after seventh grade, my first year,

running track and field. I wanted to quit because I was like, this is hard. Running sucks. Like I got to work out. I got to sweat. I got to get tired and she pulled over the car. She's like, you are running track whether or not like before I die, right? Or something, you know, she said something super dramatic. And she saw it because it was the only way I was getting to college, right? We couldn't pay for it. Getting to college without student loans. And, you know, she didn't, she didn't really teach me how to do homework very well. I took a lot of her procrastination within myself, right? And a lot of her bad habits within myself, but, you know, just like my dad, like, as flawed as he is and as flawed as she is, like, I'm only running track and field because she made me.

And I have that Chad within me because she made me, you know. I have a future in education and college because she made me. She did the mom's job. and so it's like again I don't have hate for my parents I have nothing but love and wholesome you know hog champs from I think you have more than love I think that's what makes this heart because once again what I'm kind of detecting Don is that you're a little bit stuck between two things so you said that the greatest thing that a man can do is to make up for the failings of another man. Yeah, it's like it's pretty, it's pretty, uh, big, greatest honor, I think is what I said.

I like to say the honor, you know, kind of nightly. So I kind of wonder, Don, are you making up for the failings of your dad? What, what do you mean by that? I mean, so when I asked you, you know, a little bit about what you thought about your dad, you kind of said, I was like, you know, could your dad, I don't remember exactly what the question was, but it was sort of like a, could your dad have done a better job, or do you think your dad let you down? I asked some question like that, right? Giving you a chance to poop on dad. And I was like, would you like to poop on dad?

And you were like, it's hard to say yes. Right? You said, I don't want to say yes. You didn't say no, right? And then we kind of touched on, then what you started to do quite gallantly, may I add, is rush to dad's defense and so magnificently. like because who can possibly think that you're there's anything wrong like the dude is he's a white

five foot 10 nerd who's raising who calls a six three black kid his son and genuinely loves you as his son like how can how can we toss any shade on on that guy right yeah yeah and and i i get that there's a lot of genuine love i get that your dad went above and beyond and like deserves a ton of love and respect. And at the same time, you face certain challenges. And when you get angry, I think you get angry with your parents. What I heard over and over again is you didn't like it. And it felt it was weird.

And you didn't like it. And I think that there's like, there's a, you know, an adult within you who can understand that, you know, adults have problems and sometimes divorce is what it comes. down to and that like on balance they did a fantastic job your mom you know helped you get into track and field your dad gave you a love for gaming your dad gave you love in general and so like on the pro and con column like your your parents both win overwhelmingly so but when I hear about your struggles there's like an understory here that I think part of the reason that you may be stuck is because like you're not willing to acknowledge it right I mean like what

when you, you kind of all, it's interesting because you said that you used to be able to keep the external, the reason you reached out now is because you could keep it in check. You said that you used to be able to keep your external life and your internal life parallel. But I'm still hearing that there's like one foot in two different lives. You know, and I think that I know this may sound like one of these weird like spiritual, positive things that no one knows how to do, but as long as you're living two parallel lives like Dawn, it's never going to work. Right? Like you can't be, like, you have to live your life.

And like, I know it's kind of weird because you're like, how do you, we'll get there. So there's a lot of practical stuff here. But like, you know, when, when there's the losers and the jocks and you're like, you know, halfway between those two, you know, you can't. I don't know. I mean, I think there needs to be some kind of like internal resolution about the life that you want. And I think some of that stuff is, I mean, I'm not out to make your dad seem like a bad dude.

I mean, clearly he's, you played the ultimate ace card in terms of, you know, no one can ever think your dad. But I mean, like, like, you know, it's, it's sort of like 50% of a joke. But like, definitely. I mean, he gets away with a lot if he does that. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Yeah. And so the reason I kind of bring it up is not to like put badness on him, but like to acknowledge that the things that hold you back are all the like all the things that he gets a pass for can still negatively impact you. And what we're talking about is you. It's not I'm not out there. And I, you know, I know I do this a lot where people like, I get people to shit talk their parents. It's not that like I'm not trying to shit talk your parents. Yeah. It's that we need to understand. understand that like your dad is propagating probably like quite unhealthy behavior in all of his kids, which all parents do, right? He's not unique there. Like I propagate unhealthy behavior in my kids.

That's impossible. I don't even say that. Dude, so my kid will wake up at 7.30 in the morning and she'll try to come wake me up. And then, like, she'll grab the iPad. She's like, dad, can I, can I be? on the iPad and I'm like yeah sure absolutely so you know it's terrible but the first 45 minutes of her day are like spent on like you know melting her brain on YouTube

which is not what you want for a five year old oh no but we all propagate bad behavior in our kids like I'm not a perfect parent there's no such thing and the challenge for you though is it's not about bashing your parents for blame it's about understanding what is the impact that you have to deal with

and as long as we're giving your dad a pass and we're ignoring his effects on you, then like, how are you going to fix them? Yeah. You know? And so I get why you, it's not bash your dad stream. Yeah. And, you know, he really does sound like a truly amazing guy, like, no doubt in my mind. And at the same time, like, you know, you're a nutrition major and like, you're starting to learn a little bit about the world and you're beginning

to realize that like maybe some like fish sticks and you know gaming till 3 a.m. You said you guys did that four days in a row. So like was it summer vacation or was it like? Dude, it was probably spring break. It was. That's good. Even if it's just like a Friday. Like if there's if there like it kind of gets to a point like if there is no responsibility

and I have to equate to tomorrow, right? I'll show up to tomorrow. I'm going to throw away right now. You know, and that kind of, that's kind of like how it lines up, you know. And like the more I learn about habits, right, building habits, we are our habits, right? I'll know, I'll never be rid of this until, you know, I get rid of that habit of throwing away my night if I don't have anything at 8 a.m. the next morning, right? I should just go to bed, right, or something like that, you know? So, you know, when it was spring break, when it was summer vacation or anything.

we would do that, as long as we didn't have anything to do tomorrow. Yeah. So let me ask you, you know, Don, I don't know exactly if this has been helpful yet, but, you know, I certainly feel like I understand you a little bit better, and I think it'll, like, clarify, I don't know, I don't have a clear sense of, let me just think for a second. Why do you want to play bass guitar? Dude. I think, personally, it's the sexiest, interesting.

known to man. When I was getting into music, because, you know, when your kid, you always listen to what your parents listen to. So when I turned, you know, 13, 14, I kind of, you know, started touching my own music. I was listening to music kids, or listen to music at school, you know, whatever they were listening to.

And I went through a lot of stuff. I went through like a little, you bit of an emo phase, like MCR, because my crush was Faith Lap and she. She had the, you know, she was the email. I was like, I got to listen to this stuff, you know. Then my 10th grade year, I started listening to, like, my own music, like things that I really liked. And a lot of it was bass guitar. Steve Lacey plays a lot of bass guitar and he plays his own bass.

Thip, Thundercat was a huge one. I love Thundercat. Tyler Crater has some really good bass lines in his songs. And I just, I didn't understand it was bass, until I started looking at it. into the music. I was like, oh, that's the bass, that's the baseline. Then, my best friend's dad,

he asked me, out of the blue, he's like, can play bass? I was like, no. He's like, oh, that's bullshit. Like, every black person can play bass. You can play bass. And then that kind of like solidified it for me. I was like, okay, I need to learn to play bass right now. So I can prove this guy that I can play bass

and I'm sick, right? And so, along with, like, all my love for music, you know? So it kind of, it was kind of a two-factor humor sense and actual love for the base. Okay, so Don, okay. Can I think for a second? Please. Please.

So you've watched a fair number of our streams? Yeah, yeah. I always usually tune into the Vods. Okay. So like you're familiar with like the concepts and stuff that we discuss? Yeah, yeah. I watch a lot of the YouTube channel as well. Okay.

So like, do you know what a sumscar is? Um, refresher, please. Okay. So like sometimes we have emotion that gets, so when our mind experiences emotion, we can either bury it or process it. Okay. And generally speaking, a lot of the emotion that gets buried then manifests later in life in particular circumstances. So what I, I'm going to try to like put together.

I'm going to try to like summarize what I understand as your situation. And I'm going to give you like a couple of options. Okay? Yeah. Give me just a second. Okay. So Don. You know, it was interesting.

When you were telling me a little about yourself, you know, when I, when I mentioned that, it seems to me like you're stuck between two worlds. It's interesting because what I was thinking about, are you having any experience with D&D? Yeah, yeah. Okay. So like, you know, I almost said, you seem to me like a half elf.

Because you're not in the human world and you're not in the elf world. My characters are always half works. My characters are always half works. Even better, right? So, like, and I'm really glad I steered clear of that because like I almost, because given the,

the racial dynamics in your family? Like, I'm glad I didn't call you anything there in the middle. Yeah, just something like that. Really dodged a bullet there. Really. But I do get the sense that there's really like in so many different ways, man. Like you were stuck between two worlds. It's like, do you become a jock or do you become a nerd?

You know, like, do you play bass guitar? Like, you can't play basketball, but you're going to learn bass guitar. So you're going to take advantage of your racial. bonuses, you know? Yes, absolutely. And so, like, you know, there's just so much there about, you know, I think who you're trying to be that, and I think that that's going to, so if your problem, you kind of come up with this problem of like, I spend too much time on the computer.

And we can call that escapism. We can say it's due to like some internal conflict or whatever. But I'd say the reason you spend too much time on the computer is a couple of things. One is I do believe that there's like an addictive aspect to it. So like straight up, like what you're describing to me sounds like a dopaminergic binge where you're just like, you need to get that dopamine from like attack on Titan. What's going to happen next? What's going to happen? I have to know.

I have to know. I have to know. You kind of get caught up in it. The other interesting thing is that given your upbringing, one of the things that we've discovered from studying addictions is that generally speaking, the earlier you get exposed, the more powerful the addiction. So, you know, when we look at things like pornography addiction, like there's a very good chance that people who are exposed to pornography at like a very young age will be more likely to be addicted to it. The same is true for like alcohol and cigarettes and marijuana and stuff like that. So, you know, if you start smoking pot at the age of 12, it's like way harder to kick than like if you start smoking pot at the age of 50. So there's some stuff around developing brains and building how.

habits and stuff like that. So I do think that there's like a dopaminergic aspect to your behavior, which can be kind of addressed on that level. But I also get the sense that, you know, when you're choosing between two goals, what I'm really getting the sense of is that there's like this conflict about like who you want to be. It's like, who does Don want to wind up? Like, does he want to wind up being a weeb or does he want to wind up being, you know,

a black guy who can play bass? Because generally speaking, we don't think about those people is the same kind of person, which is why I think the next thing to really understand, if we had to summarize who you are, you're the chosen one. I'm the main character. Yeah. You're all side characters. So it's like, and this is where like I think a lot of this is going to come from really a lot of like introspection about, you know, where do your goals come from? are they your goals or are they the goals that come from either part of your human and your elven heritage? And I sort of get, you know, I think the, you know, the story about how you got into base, I'm sure will upset a lot of people for a lot of reasons.

But I think it's like a great story, right? Genuinely speaking, it's when it comes, you know, our racial identity forms so much of like who we are and what we choose to identify with and stuff. like that. I think, you know, I'm, I'm brown. I'm Indian. And so I, you know, I did wind up becoming a doctor and I do do yoga. So it's sort of like, you know, I have racial advantages there. So I think it is, there's an element of truth to that. But I think what I'm sort of really getting from you is that a couple of different things. One is, you know, you're stuck between these two worlds. And I think a lot of the goals that arrive in your mind that you fall short of are not truly your goals.

I think as you really make them your goals and you sort of deal with that addiction piece, then it'll help. So like as they truly become your goals as opposed to like societally imposed goals, that'll help you achieve them. And then you've got habit and dopamine related stuff that you've got to overcome for sure.

The last thing is from an emotional standpoint, you know, this is where I'm sure we could ask you more questions. But like, I think that there, you know, it seems like the primary thing that you feel towards yourself is like anger and frustration. And where do you think that anger and frustration comes from? I think a big thing can come to be like me not being what I think I should be in a lot of aspects, right? Um, it's, when you, when you, when you met like mentioning porn, like that's a, that's a huge thing for all young adults, right? Especially young males like that. I hate it, right? And, um, and,

I hate that I could be addicted to porn, especially growing up as a teenager. Like a lot of that anger, you know, you get that post-nut clarity. It's just so, it's so hard, you know, post-nut depression is not a, it's not a healthy thing to move on about. And it's hard to talk about, right? No one wants to talk about their own struggles with that. But I'm telling you now, because that, to me, is the clearest point of, like, where my anger could be coming from. Like, that self-loathing from what I could. be, right? I'm like, I'm not there. I'm right here and I'm angry about it. And it's my fault,

you know? You just lost me a little bit. Sorry. What is this stuff about post-nut depression? So there's a joke, right? You're watching some suss material online and, you know, you fit you, you climax and then you get, you open your eyes, you know, you come over the water and you're like, this is gross stuff. Like, I do not like this, right? That's usually post-nut clarity, right? Post-nut depression is just the depression you feel of being attached to this, being tied to it all, right? Being tied to the computer, the pornography.

It's really just a joke, like a play on words. Okay. Yeah, so are you saying that in the post-nut clarity, you're able to see that your life is not where you want it to be? Like, are you clearly able to, because like you're free of all of your like coping mechanisms and stuff like that? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. So, all right. Sorry. I just, I was a little bit confused. So, so you're, you know, it sounds like you're angry at not being what you think you should be. Yeah. Yeah.

And I mean, especially this last year, it's also like angry at what I was. because I gained a lot of weight in quarantine. And track and field is a lot. Track and field's base is about the strength to weight distribution. How strong you are versus how much weight you're carrying around. And I gained like 25 pounds and a year, even a little less than a year. And that was like not good weight either. It was a lot of binge eating and just garbage.

And right now where I am, I'm in between. I mean, well, I just look back at my high school life, right? In my freshman years, I'm like, man, I was so in shape. I was so much more fit than I am now. And I need to be more fit than I was then, right? Like, that's so, I put myself so much further back than the goal I wanted, I want, you know? And, you know, then anger and sadness and all the emotions come through. Okay.

Can I process that for a second? Please, please go ahead. What do you think is going to happen to you, Don? Where are you headed? If you asked me that a year ago, I would have had this huge, awesome five-year plan, right? I'm going to graduate college, go on this religious mission, come back, you know, run professionally, kick butt, you know. But my life and my plans have all changed so rapidly that I'm unsure, you know. I can tell you what I want, you know.

I can tell you what my metaphysical, my frontal lobes says I should want. You know, I want a solid nutrition job, pro runner, shoe contract deal, right, with Adidas or Nike or something, smoking hot wife, you know, amazing, you know, backyard, barbecues, 4th of July barbecues, you know. Then, you know, there's that, you know, that other side, the other world, the other life. kind of just saying like, dude, like you don't need to do that. You could just, you're charming guy, you're handsome, you're athletic, right? Become a Twitch streamer. Do what do what Dr. K does, right? Talk to the people, right?

Play video games. Change the world through video games, right? Or something like that. And there's that kind of a pull between, like you said, the two feet and two worlds. Okay. So, Don. You got these two dreams, right? Let's call one of them the Twitch streamer, one of them, Adidas, whatever.

Adidas, Chad. Today is July 16th. It is a Friday. The weekend is coming up. If you spend the weekend watching anime, what happens to your progress towards each of those goals? It decreases. It goes back. Incorrect.

There's no difference. Right? So like how many, to get to the life of your dreams, how many days does it take? We're going to graduate from college. We're going to go on our mission trip, get a smoking hot wife, become a professional runner, land in an Adidas contract. How much time does that take? A lot of time, you know, years.

How many years? Probably take about four. In a minimum. Yeah. Right? Yeah. So four years is like 1,300 days. sure

If you take a break For three days What difference does it make I see I see what you're saying I get it Right so what's the cost of you spending a week or two playing Cotor 2 Cotor 1 and 2 Well you know you could

Look at it you know grand scheme leasing like oh it doesn't cost much in the grand scheme But then within these little little deals right I didn't go spend time with my friends playing Coteur until I didn't go outside much. I didn't spend time with a lot of my family, you know. But I guess that is the cost. That's the cost with two week. Now we get to a really tricky thing, which is which way does your brain look at it.

So your brain calculates behavior, right? It calculates to engage in a behavior or not engage in a behavior. When you have five years to do something, which way, like, you know, I know it sounds kind of actually, I'll just sort of say it, but like your brain calculates it in the long term, not in the short term, which is why procrastination is conserved across the human race. Right? So if you have a month, like, no one's studying for a test that's one month away. And like if you think about it, you know, if all, like not all, but, you know, 90%, the human beings that have not been conditioned or built habits to start studying 30 days before the test, the default is.

The default human behavior is to wait until the last minute. And I think your biggest issue, and this is where like, it doesn't matter which world you're stuck in. Because in either case, like, what's the cost of a weekend is absolutely nothing. And this is why our generation is screwed from weekend to weekend. Because what's the cost? Nothing. It's just a couple of days. There's more days.

What's going to happen seven days from now? You're going to get another weekend. You can do it then. I know it sounds kind of weird, but like, you know, I think there's a lot to like understanding, you know, your internal conflict and stuff like that. I do think there's a lot to understand about your anger towards yourself because that I think is, is to a certain degree, like, related to a lot of anger that you have from other places and you're kind of taking it out on yourself. So this is sort of where, like, you know, you're upset with your dad for helping you get a, into this situation. Right?

Like, do we want to, we want to forgive him? Sure. On balance, did he do an awesome job? Absolutely. And, like, don't tell me, because when you're walking around

and you're steaming, right? Like, who are you blaming? Myself. And your parents. You said that earlier. I did. I did say I was getting angry with my parents. And what kind of thoughts

does your mind produce? not saying this. Yeah, so like, can you give me an example of like what, in what way you get angry with your parents? Parents specifically, I just get jealous of my friends and their parents. Good. Tell me what are you jealous of between your friends and their parents? Stability. That's a big one. In my area, it's a really low divorce rate in my area. and you get really jealous. I mean, because again, it's like that adult side of you tells yourself, right?

You're like every, every, you know, her past problems. You know, every family has issues, right? Then, you know, my kid's side looks, I'm like, man, I'd rather have those issues, the issues they're having and the issues I'm having, right? What are the issues? Yeah, go ahead. Sorry. I was going to say, especially when I get grow closer.

It's saying like a, it takes a village to raise. raise a kid, right, or raise a whatever. That was really, really true in my sake. Outside of my own family, I have like four families where I could just walk into the door, right? And they'll say like, oh, hey, Dom, and, you know, they already have a plate set up for me, right? And I'm really close and really thankful for those families. So I know kind of their family issues. I see the sibling arguments.

I see the parents doing whatever. when I was a kid, to answer your question, like what specific issues when I was a kid, I just hated having to move from weekend to weekend, especially when my parents moved further away. I couldn't see my friends on some weekends just because I didn't have a car. My parents were at work. We can't make the 40-minute drive down to such-and-such city. Go hang out with your friends, right? You're just going to have to sit and hang out, right?

And I hated that. And I was like, man, I wish the whole family was just in one spot, right? Another one is kind of just reassurance that your parents love each other, you know? Don't take for growing. Like if your parents truly love each other, that's a wonderful example to you about true love, right? As a for a kid. And I kind of really didn't have that growing up. You know, I didn't have that golden globe of like, this is what a marriage could be.

This is what you could produce. Like, look at that. Look how wonderful this. family is, right? We have all these kids and they're married now and you're getting nieces and we're all here spending time together. My family can't really do that, you know, and I just, I get angry and I get jealous and I just get sad, you know, because not only do I want that, there's the realization that I truly don't have that. I have to go to sleep with that knowledge, you know, I have to wake up with that knowledge. I have to go to fourth, like going to two

Christmases as a kid sounds like a cool idea, right? Two birthday presents. It's terrible. Dude, the pain of driving away from one of my parents' homes from Christmas morning and seeing them wave on the sidewalk just tears me up inside, especially as I get older, especially because I'm the one driving my siblings around, right? You wake up at my dad's house and having to say goodbye to a parent on Christmas morning go to another Christmas morning is sickening, and I hate it. And seeing the pain in their eyes because they love us, right?

don't want to be alone on Christmas morning. They don't want to be alone anytime. And going 11 years like that, it's just so draining. And I don't think people, you know, they don't acknowledge those moments within the divorce. You know, they don't acknowledge those 15 second interactions that you have nightmares about. And it's just, it's awful. Yeah, man. It's, you know, I know, I know.

So like there's, I think, a bias in Western society towards like the individual over the unit. So generally speaking, you know, there's this sentiment that it's better to have two happy people that are divorced rather than raise a kid in an unhappy marriage. Which as a psychiatrist, I mean, I have a bias in terms of my sample size, right? because the people who come to me are the ones who are a little bit unhappy. I'm not so sure that's actually the case, though. When I hear stories like yours, and the problem is basically every story of divorce that I've heard,

I'd say easily 80% are like yours. Where it does actually, and this is something that I think is something that gets propagated. Like, you know, parents will tell themselves all kinds of things to justify being able to get a divorce. And they can't tolerate the idea that, like, this could actually hurt your child. And we as a society sort of say that divorce doesn't hurt children, whereas I haven't seen that.

I've seen that just about in all cases, divorce does hurt children. I'm not saying that it's not a good idea to get divorced. I'm not saying that there aren't good reasons to get divorced. It's just I'm the one, you know, the kid walks into my office. 20 years later. And so that's just what I see. But I think it's kind of dangerous because like when you said, you know,

everyone thinks two Christmases is good. Oh man. The most consistently terrible thing that I've heard from kids of divorced parents or holidays, never do you feel so trapped? So there's no way to make anyone happy. And it's just, it's just shit for everyone involved. And this time that's supposed to be like happy and celebrating ends up being just like painful for everyone.

And it happens every year. Especially with all the marketing. It's just it's bad. Continue. Sorry. I mean, it even gets to the point where sometimes all, you know, when I work with like patients, like we'll even have to set limits. So I have some patients that over time have grown to actually tell their parents, I actually can't come home for the holidays anymore and see either of you. because the toxicity is just so high, I don't have the bandwidth for it.

I'm going to just be by myself during Christmas, and I will come and visit each of you for one week at a time, and we're going to hang out, and I'll fill you in, but I just can't do it during the holidays, because there's just no peaceful way to do it. It's crazy where things end up. But kind of coming back to you, Don, I mean, here's what I think. So there's a lot of that anger pent up.

frustration with yourself, frustration with your parents. I think the more that you acknowledge that, I think the better off you're going to be. Not to say that you, I mean, I think it does sound like you, you know, you feel it and stuff. But I think the real issue here, and I want to talk a little bit about goal setting is that. So when you look at your life and you say, I wish it wasn't like this, I wish it was this. And then you build together this five-year plan because you're, you know, you have a touch of the chad within you. You're Chad touched. Not Fay touched, not Feen touched. You're Chad touched. You're a Chad touched half-work. Totally. Totally.

And so then what happens is your mind still builds these kinds of goals for you. You're like, okay, I want to be a Twitch streamer. I want to be this. I want to be this. Look at the Chad drinking milk. It's strong strong bones. It's not like an energy drink. Oh, no, never. So, so that's a lesson for everyone who's watching, by the way. You want to, you know. I'll do one more. So I think that one of the, you know, I think when it comes to your goals and what you want to do, what I would say to you, Don, is to really think a little bit about a given day.

And don't think about the goal, but ask yourself in a weird way, like, who do you want to be today? Like, do you want to be someone who, and I know it may bring up the self-loathing, but I'd say actually tackle it head on. And sort of, you know, ask yourself, like, as you're about to watch, like, what are you going to do this weekend, Don? I'm asking you, it's a genuine question. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My buddy's getting married. I'm going to go, I'm going to be a groomsmen. We're going to hang out and swim and relax, you know? Play some video games maybe. Smash Bros. Meta. Who knows? So let me ask you, Don, is that the person that you want to be? Yeah, yeah, it is especially, especially because it is like a, especially these people, these people I'm going to.

Luckily, throughout the years, I've been able to acquire companions in my D&D campaign because I'm the main character, right? People who just love me, right? both the Weeb side and the Chad side, right? They understand that, like, they come to me with Star Wars questions because they know I've read every single comic book and every single EU book. Like, I know everything, right? They come to me with comic recommendations when they want, so,

but they also, you know, they support me at track meets. They support my healthy activities. So these guys, I really want to, like, be with them. So, yes, these, like, that's, These people are awesome. So like, like at the end of the weekend, are you going to feel drained or be filled with self-loving? This kind of gets into like a different material. Because, and it feels weird.

You know, we're already a bit into it. And opening up a new can of worms is a bit weird. But especially this past few and year, it's been really hard connecting to people who like actually love me, but like feeling connected. Um, because there are times when I'll go hang out with my best friend Brian, right? And then, you know, something will go wrong or, um, you know, specifically, uh, he'll ditch me or like something like that will go on. And I'll come home and I'll just feel like awful. And I'll just feel like, wow, this is really sucks. Because when, when I have so few of like the real friends, when my own mind senses that it's not,

going right, it just kind of spins out of control. So, like, it could be, like, I can go into this wedding and I can go and I could just, you know, my jokes are firing off. I'm killing it. And I feel loved and I feel accepted. And I feel on top of my game. But if I go and, like, something doesn't feel right to me or it doesn't, like, I don't feel loved or something like that, I get, I get into pretty deep, dark places.

And that, that kind of. game has been what I've been playing for like the past four months, um, four or five months with, can you help me understand what you mean by a deep, dark place? One of you, my favorite stream that I've watched of you was the suicidality one.

Because it explained the, the, the phases and the spectrum of all of it, and how every single one is dangerous. Every single step of it is important. Because I think one of the ways you phrased it was how I was sleeping. You're like, man, I don't want to wake up tomorrow and I'm going to actively stop myself from waking up tomorrow and things like that. I'm like on the left side of like, I don't want to wake up tomorrow because if it gets to that point it's where I'm like kind of just running through in my head, I feel that like, man, I don't want to go to sleep.

I don't want to wake up tomorrow. So I'm just like, I'm just going to stay up. But I don't want to stay up. I just want this night to be over. And I end up running through the circle. And what's helped me with that is writing, actually. I become big, big into writing. I actually, I restarted my high school blog.

And I've been writing on stuff like that. And especially these last like three weeks, it's been pretty bad. Because a lot of stuff that's happened in the past is coming up. And like specifically my best friend, and teaching me. I'll just kind of explain what happened. And New Year's Eve of 2000, just this last New Year's Eve. I had three buddies that I really, really wanted to hang out with.

Each one of them bailed on me and went to their own parties. And it wasn't like, oh, like, I'm doing this instead of this, Dom, like, come hang out with me. I called him. I was like, hey, what time do you want me to pick you up? He's like, oh, sorry, dude. Like, I'm so plastered right now. I'm already at this one thing. I got to, I'm going to stay here.

And then he hung up, right? And I was like, cool. Like, awesome. And then I ended up going to this one other party with someone else. And he ended up leaving halfway through the party. And like, I had to find a ride home talking, you know, talking to other people. And when I don't think I really processed it then. Because now when something like that happens, it just fall apart.

I just, I fall apart. and again, I need to go take a walk and I need to go take a thing. And like, again, Don, when you fall apart, what is happening in your mind? Not wanting to exist. And I'm just going to be honest. I'm just going to be frank. And I'm just going to be honest. And I'm not going to try.

And because I don't know who's going to watch this, right? It's scary speaking this to the world. Because who knows in a week if my buddies, I'm talking about watch this. And I freak, you know, they're like, why don't you talk to me? And it's like, dude. So continuing. Just not wanting to exist. It's truly like that.

It's not like, man, I want to kill myself. It's like, I just don't want to be here. I don't want to have this, you know? What is your experience of existence in that moment? Dude, it's, it's weird. One way is like, I'll like look at myself in the mirror. I'll be like seeing someone else like look at me. I'm like,

I don't want that, right? Like it's, it kind of gets like that. I'm like, I need to get outside, right? So I'll go outside and I just need, what does the other person see when they look in the mirror?

That's the thing is like, I don't know. It's not like something like, it's not like I'm like talking to it or like communicating. It's like that's just like I look at it and like that's not me. Right. So I end up needing like a sensation. So like I'll splash cold water in my face.

I'll go outside, like feel wind, right? If I'm inside, there's like no wind and like, if I feel the wind, I'm like, okay, like, cool, cool, cool, right? Something that I actually do a lot now after watching your suicidality stream is I used to, I used to want to just go get drunk. I've never drank before, which was the weirdest thing to me, right? And I didn't think much of it until I watched a suicidality stream and you're telling me about how quickly the decision of suicide is, how quickly a decision of suicide is made, and how much alcohol propagates that, like, how much it swings that. Because one, for some reason, I've always been fascinated, quote, unquote, like, my suicide

side's always been fascinated with getting hit by a car and, like, stepping in front of a train, and just something quick, like a hard impact, and I get the sense that, like, when I do, I'll just free fall and I'll fall through the air and I'll roll and then like my life is out of my hands you know and like

it's so it's so weird because I like I after watching your suicidality stream I look back at my life and realize like that's been a thing throughout my whole life I drive to track practices

or track workouts or track meets where I really didn't want to go I'd say to myself like man I really wish a car would just hit me like man I just I really wish I just

not have to do what I'm about to do, right? And I used to not think it was a big deal because I didn't have a plan, right? I'm not planning on suicide. It's not like this. And then you're telling me, you are telling me, you're like, this is scary, right? And then I believed it. So instead of indulging in alcohol when I go on these walks, I'll buy a bunch of candy. I'll just eat all the candy.

I'll drink soda. And I'll, you know, get an energy. And I eat healthy. I drink milk. So like these moments I kind of like indulge myself and step away from that kind of stuff. So anyways. Sorry.

How long have you been having these thoughts of just wanting to escape from your situation? A long time. A really, really long time. It's not like an everyday thing. I understand. Yeah. Do you remember how old you were when you first had these kinds of thoughts? I guess the first like prevalent sentence of like I want to escape was my had to have been

sophomore year of high school because I had dreads. I had long dreads back in high school. It was super cool. And I was driving and I just finished a track meet and we actually won the track meet and I destroyed. I was carrying the big trophy. I had four gold medals and we went to we went to a restaurant, a popular burger joint that it's tradition in my community that when when your sport your team does well

you go to the burger joint right you go eat the burgers and we went to the burger joint the bus dropped us off and everything and had a great time when I was driving home it just felt so alone and I just felt like everyone there was just like congratulating me only because um because I was an athlete and I was good right um because I always Also, I grew up in a really, really white area. And, like, they only talked to me because I was black and things like that. And I was driving and I was driving. And I started speeding up.

I was like, I don't want this. I don't want this. I don't want this. And there was a stone wall at the end of the street. And, like, I was fixated on, like, driving into the stone wall and just, like, getting in a car wreck. And I ended up slowing down, you know, I didn't go through with it. But I think that was, like, the first, like, sentence of, like, I don't want this.

And, like, first, like, conscious thought. Because I guess you can, you know, we could talk about escapism through movies and video games throughout my whole life. Like, that was the first time where it, like, manifested into action, you know? Yeah. Sounds quite scary. Yeah. And I just, again, like, I don't know. I didn't really acknowledge it.

Hell, you know, recently where I was like, oh, wow. Like. So, Dawn, that's the first time it became manifest. But I feel like we've talked about. the sentiment of I don't want this before over the course of this conversation. Does anything come to your mind about what we've talked about that you really didn't want and really didn't like? Yeah, I mean, especially within this conversation, like my own parents, I didn't want my parents. A life situation, I didn't want to be poor growing up, you know, didn't want to move around a bunch.

I mean, even if you really look deep into what we've talked about, but, I can know because I didn't want to be a track athlete. I was forced to be a track athlete in a sense by my mom. I didn't sometimes, you know, I don't want to be black, especially growing up around here with my own dad. I mean, it's the little things because we'd be at a gas station, right? I'm like 6'1, right? I'm 12 years old and I'm like 6'1.

Dad's still like, dad's still 5'2. And all my younger siblings are tiny white. people, right? And we're at the gas station getting drinks and treats and I put my stuff next to my siblings. And the register person said, like, is he with you to my family? Right? Because, you know, no fault on them because I looked like a young man trying to sneak some kibbles and freaking with this nice white family, right? So it's like even a sense of like, I don't want to be white or black. I want to be white. You know, You know? And like, dude, I remember, oh my gosh, this is a weird memory that just showed up.

I remember wanting my hair to look like Justin Bieber's because it wouldn't, because everyone loved Justin Bieber. I was a kid. I was like, man, I want to look like that. But my hair curls, you know, my hair doesn't do that, right? And I remember getting like gel and like making it like a mohawk, like like all the other kids in like 2006, you know, 2007. They all have that like spiky mohawk. And they're wearing their monster shirts, right? And I wanted to look like that because that's what everybody else looked like, you know? And my siblings didn't even look like me, you know? No one looked like me growing up.

And I guess like even that can be like a sense of like, I don't want this. I don't want to be, you know, to be or not to be. What makes the difference? That's one of my writing. That's from my blog. So maybe I'll post a link in chat. Go read my blog. All right.

Don, so I think, um, hmm, thank you so much for sharing all that. No worries. You know, for what it's worth, I say this with love. I think you'd look absolutely ridiculous with the Justin Bieber haircut. I did. I looked so bad. I went to the museum with it because my friends were taking me in the museum. It was so bad, dude.

Poor, poor 10-year-old Dom. He just wanted to be cool. He just wanted to look good. You know, and I, and I, and I, I think here we see the, you know, the stuck between two worlds, right? Like, it makes sense, man. Like, you have this conflict. You really are, like, the chosen one in, in, like, the last of, you're like the last of

the Uchi Ha. it's like, do you want to be in Uchi Ha? Do you want to be like one of these good homies from Konoha? Like, which one do you want to be? I'd be Shikamaru. I'd want to be Shikamara if I was a Naruto character, but it's tough, dude. Because, I mean, I'm seeing the. the, you know, 10-year-old with Justin Bieber haircut or the bass playing dreadlock style.

Yeah. Oh, the two sides of the same coin, man. Same person, though. That's the craziest thing to me. It's like, it's all sides. That's the same person. That's all within me, you know? It's hard to, like, hate one side of it and be like, oh, I can't do that.

Because it's, I truly want that, right? that's something that not it's not foreign right so don i'm going to actually disagree with you a little bit i don't think either of those is you okay i think it's fine for you to want those things i think that want is genuine but i think actually your journey is about figuring out who you are not what you want to be what you want to be is not who you are it's what you want to be and i know it sounds kind of weird, but like, I don't think either of those things is you. You are not an ork, and you are not a human. You're a half-ork. It's its own thing, has its own racial bonuses,

has its own stat adjustments. You play a half-orke like an orc, you're going to lose, dude. If you play a half-work like a human. You're going to lose. Oh, no. Right? So I think it's like Justin Bieber haircut, bass playing anime t-shirt. Milk and drinking. I actually, I almost wore my Howl's Moving Castle shirt on stream.

And I've been like, oh, no, I can't do that. Right. And I don't know exactly what I mean by that. I don't know how you figure out who you are, but I do think that I am getting the sense of, you know, just in terms of the, you know, it sounded like an ad for the suicidality stream, which is going to stop. Dude, it's awesome, dude. That stream literally changed my life. Literally changed.

So, you know, I don't, I should probably say this for legal reasons. But seriously, Don, I don't know if you've ever worked with a therapist. I don't know if you, you know, if you're in college and stuff, there may be like student health resources. I think it's like not a bad idea, especially in your case. I think there's a lot that you could work through in terms of your parents' divorce, kind of figuring out who you are. And most importantly, if you really do, having thoughts of not wanting to be there is actually like a normal human experience. going to bed and wishing you never wake up is a normal human experience. And also, you know, driving down a road and speeding up and looking longingly at a brick wall is fucking dangerous.

Right? And so this has been my experience as a psychiatrist, which is like it's almost like RNG. It's like you're opening a loot box. And 99 times out of 100, you won't, you'll slow down. but the whole point to that suicidality stream was explaining to people that like it can be an ultimately it's usually an impulsive decision i'm not worried about you like in this moment it doesn't you know i'm not going to pick up the phone and call 911 because i'm not getting that sense from you and at the same time it's worth taking very seriously um i also don't want this conversation to turn into that i think we're still talking about you and and what i'm hearing from that is it's just a part who you are. I think it's a manifestation of some of you trying to figure out, like, who you

want to be and what you want. I am detecting one hell of a somscar, though, that there's something really here about, like, I don't like this. I don't want it. This is not, and it's interesting, because you really describe it like a trigger, right? Like, if you have an interpersonal letdown by someone that you care about, you feel very acutely unloved, and that that can feel like a very intolerable state. That is absolutely something that it is worth seeing a therapist about because the real thing there is, you know,

we haven't asked you much about your personal relationships. But the reason I think that's really worth working on if you or anyone else has that kind of experience is that if you do wind up in a romantic relationship, that's important to you, that will rear its ugly head because they are not going to be available to you 24-7, right? So you're going to get, that thing is going to be triggered even if you're in a relationship with someone who really loves you and cares about you. So understanding that experience is kind of important and being able to work through it. You know, I feel like I should

advise you or guide you in some way. What do you think, Don? Is it enough to talk about what we talked about or do you want some sort of like plan? That's been, it's been nice to just talk about it. Because I've tried talking about it with people in my life, but never came out like this in like a cohesive way, you know? Always be, like I'll start talking and then we'll hyper focus on one thing and I'll feel like

nothing happened, you know? Like I didn't talk about anything actually. So much as like a plan, I'm a bit unsure. Like, again, like, you kind of just, like, disagreeing with me in, like, the sense that I'm, I'm not who I want to be. Like, that's a cool thought. Like, I've never thought about that.

And, like, a big reason I did want to reach out was I, I saw how you talked and, like, bug ideas out of people, you know, with your, your probing questions. And I was like, man, like, that's, that's awesome. And, like, even, like, the life coaches, like, I think those would be, you know, they're trained to do the basically same things and like that I don't I don't think I'm helpless you know I don't think like sometimes sometimes I do feel like chained to the ground right and like all these chains are my vices you know like I don't I think I think the key is within me to those chains you know and like I have I have to find them whether or not I go like a psychiatrist isn't

going to fix me. Psychiatrist will help me fix me, right? A psychiatrist will do all that's within their power to fix me. And like that kind of applies to you. Like I don't, I don't think, I don't think anything that we figure out within, you know, the next whatever minutes we have left or we do is going to be like the golden standard. It'll definitely help and anything you do say that helps. But like, again, I think listening has helped and like just discussing and a throwback back and forth and talking to someone who knows nothing about me. And like, exploring me with that person is, I think, valuable. And I've, it's like, you have helped in a sense.

You've made me feel better within as well. Like, as, as cheesy as that sounds, like that morale bonuses are no jokes. Well set. Yeah. So, Don, I'm very happy to hear that. And I think that, you know, that if you take one thing away from the conversation, it's, you know, what you kind of said about you're not who you want to be. Because, yeah.

And because I think that like who you, because I know it sounds kind of weird, but I think Twitch hat knows the real you. That's scary for that. I think I know the real you. And I think that dude's absolutely a chat. He's not a chat in the way that, like, you're, you know, not in the traditional sense, but I think we've gotten to see the real you today. And I have, like, absolute faith.

that person. I think the only problem is you get so confused about being what you think you should be. Like being human or being orc, either direction, that you don't really acknowledge that you're really a half-work. Because I think it's fine for you to have a, you know, Hal's Moving Castle t-shirt when you play bass. And I think we actually all know, we know who you are. I mean, you've made it pretty clear from the get-go that, you know, you can eat healthy and like, you know, take care of yourself and be physically in shape and learn how to play bass guitar and spend, you know, weekend here or there watching Attack on Titan.

Like, that's, that sounds great. Sounds like you're done, actually. You know? And that's the really weird thing, which I'd really encourage you to think about is that you have all these goals

for like what you want to be. But like, I think if you just keep on growing the person that you are, as opposed to striving for a particular goal, you'll end up in a really good place. I think if you even, I know it sounds kind of weird, but I think you're in a pretty decent place. It sounds like you do deal with a lot of negative emotions

that can come up. But you'll, you know, that process, how can I say this? You know, the way you deal with those emotions is by living through them with a certain amount of like thoughtfulness and attention. Right? Like it could be journaling on your blog.

It could be seeing a therapist. It could be, you know, talking to your coach. I don't know if your parents know about your struggles. Sounds like they kind of don't. But like that's where, you know, giving them an opportunity to like letting your dad be your dad. You know, telling him, hey, dad, did you ever like think that like maybe playing games? Like, did it ever interfere with your life? Because I feel like, you know, sometimes like, you know,

tell them the story you told us about the coach and the training schedule and stuff like that, tell your mom, right? And be prepared for them to not be able to listen to you. Because your mom will be like, what the hell is wrong with you? Stop playing games, right? Just stop. So you'll get that from your mom's, right? Whoops. Just turn off the computer, silly. Yeah. But I mean, you know, I think it could be a really like connecting conversation to ask your dad like really not in a judgment sort of way, but say, hey, dad, I'm struggling with this. did you ever struggle with it. And I think the last bit that I would tell you is

on a given day, I know it sounds kind of weird, but I think when you think about the goal, you can afford to lose a day. You can afford, because remember, the attack on Titan binge is not, you don't binge the whole week in a day. You binge one day. And then the next day, can I afford

to watch attack on Titan? Yeah, I can kind of get away with it? And then the next day, can I kind of get away with it? It's like, yeah, I can get away with it. And so if there's one question that I encourage you to ask yourself, is that when it comes to a given task as best as you can, with awareness, ask yourself, who do I want to be today? Do I want to be someone who spends this hour watching Attack on Titan?

Do I want to spend the day being like, what's more important to me on this day? Maybe that's actually the better question. And you may be surprised, this is going to be challenging, but you may be surprised because oftentimes the answer may be, it's actually really hard for me to go and meet up my friends, meet up with my friends down the street. And actually like on this day and in this moment, this is actually what I want to do.

There can be self-loathing that comes with that, which is fine. But you don't want to like pile up the self-loathing and then experience it at the end of the weekend. I want you to like deal with each piece as it arises. and really just think about, you know, who do you want to be today? And I think you will find that, like, the answer will be a half-work. Like, you're not going to be an orc and you're not going to be a human. Today I do, today I want to practice base.

And you know what? Today, anime is more important than base. And on another day, base is going to be more important than anime. Thoughts? Thank you. Thank you. I mean, that's first thought is thankfulness. I mean, that's some powerful stuff I like.

I really like the idea that I am not what I want to be. You know, it's not, it doesn't define who I am, like, who I am is the person I wake up as. Yeah. And that can change, you know, the ability to change is hard, but powerful, you know. It's slowly. I always, I like to say, well, there's a quote, well, history turns on hinges. and I think that's the same for people as well. It takes data day by day to become yourself, you know,

and as long as I'm taking two days to become this person and two days to become the other person, I'm always going to be one day in the middle, you know? I'm always going to be just in that weird friction place. Or, you know, I can kind of like accept. my person in the middle, you know, instead of, like, oh, I need to only be athlete Chad, Gica Chad, you know? And the other side is like I need to be a cheesy eating verminite two player or whatever, you know, who cares? Like, I'm, you know, I'm thankful. And it's like,

it's also something to chew on, right? Because within these, like, these dark weekends, like, I feel like I just sit and, like, again, just look in the mirror or not know what to think about. And then I end up thinking about things I don't want to think about. you know, hard things, hurtful things, you know, and having that kind of sense of mind that I can kind of like direct where my thoughts are going. It gives me comfort, you know, gives me stability, I think. So I thank you for that. Well, you're very welcome, Don.

You're kind of a gig of Chad yourself. You know what? I did not. I know it sounds kind of weird, but what makes you think? I think I'm a giga Chad. I have a personal belief that Chad, it's a mentality thing. It's not a physique thing. It's not a...

What is the mentality of a giga-chat? To raise others up, that's the thing. I mean, it kind of ties into, you know, what my dad did for me. But like, we're on this planet together, bro. Like, let's raise each other up. I think about, you know, people at the gym will help out the weaker one, you know, or the person who's not doing good form, just helping each other out. That's a giga-chat, you know, not the 200.

pound person who's only looking at himself, you know, 200 pound bodybuilder, you know. So when I think, when I think of Giga Chat, I think of people like you, you know, who's kind of, who has his life set up, has his life in a situation that can, you know, he can live the rest of his life. Then, you know, on the side.

Like you said, you're not a streamer. Here you are on Twitch, helping out little old me, you know, with my mentality. And how many people are watching? What? 5K people watching, you know, who knows if two people in there are being changed. To me, that's a giga-chat.

So when I say you're a gigacad, that's what I think. So I'm sure that I look like a gigacad from the outside. But I would say to you, Don, that you and I are exactly the same. And I'm not just, I know it sounds kind of like, oh, like that's what a giga-chat would say. You know, I get that. I understand that. But I think this really importantly needs to be understood. The problem, Don, is that when you wake up and you try to be anything, that's the mistake.

Like, you are what you are, right? And in that moment, you need to ask yourself, like, what do I want to do right now? Because we think about who I am is something that's longitudinal over time. But it's not. Who you are is only present in the moment. So I'd agree with you that a lot of gigacads have a mentality, and that mentality is to not try to be a chat at all, but just like, what do I want to be in this moment? Devote yourself fully to like when you went, like today, I don't know where you are, what time zone you're in, but it's Friday, right? It's 2.15 in central time.

And so like, what are you going to do for the rest of the day? That's who you are. You cannot, like, who you are is defined by your thoughts and your actions. more importantly your actions. And so like, what are you going to do today? And be like, and it's okay for you to like, you know, be a D-Gen person from time. Like, I do it too. You know, like dinner for me last night, like oftentimes I eat healthy.

But dinner for me last night was like a leftover taco and like a glass of milk and some Indian snacks because it was just, it had been a long day. And then today I'm going to like eat better. you know and and so just you are you're already exactly what you need to be and the giga chat is one who realizes that that it's okay to like not be where you want to be i like that right and like the more that you like are you going to be a professional athlete one day sure why not but today are you going to be someone who does your practice or not because forget about the professional athletes like what are you going to be today yeah yeah powerful stuff You can't skip today, man.

I always want to montage, Rocky montage my way through life, you know, and then show up at the end. Exactly. So one of my mentors once told me that no one wants to write a book. Everyone wants to have written a book. Yeah. That's the problem with the goal mentality, right? You want, like, oh, I want to have backyard. I want a barbecue.

You want to be at the end of the story. No one wants to live through it. Yeah, dude. It's true. And the biggest paradox is it's the people who chase the end that never get there. And it's the people who let go of the end that are the ones that become the gigatats. So do you meditate? I've been trying to.

usually in the mornings. Sometimes I just fall asleep and it's, I always laugh at myself. That's okay. So if you fall asleep while meditating, that just means your body needs sleep. So that's okay. Thanks, Doc. But I'd give you one practice.

Let me just think about this. So you say that sometimes you look in the, mirror and you don't like what you see? Yeah, it's, it's like a mix of like not liking what I see and like not recognizing it. And that's kind of like why I don't like it. I'm like, it's not, it's not me, you know, it's not, I just don't like it, you know, whether or not how I get there, it's, I don't like it. So I know it sounds kind of weird, but I'd say do any one of our meditation practices like alternate, nostril breathing or anything like that.

And then I want you to go and look in a mirror. And then you're going to say to yourself, that's not me, which is great. Then I want you to go and sit and close your eyes and then ask yourself, what about that person is not you? And if that isn't you, then who are you? And try to figure out, like, if this, because I agree, actually, what you see in the mirror is not you. Then who are you? be careful about doing this when you're in a dark place though okay the reason i say like doing alternate nostril but do something else first because if you're in a dark place what you'll notice

you can even do this but what you'll notice is that all of the things that are not you or all of the things that you loathe about yourself i wish i was this i should be this you don't want to like give into that so in a calm way just look in the mirror and try to see like is this me and if not then what am I? Yeah, I like that. Seems easy enough, you know, cold and cool. So if you fall asleep during formal practice, it seems like you're a contemplative guy.

So I'd say that you may be someone who benefits from a non-formal meditation practice. I definitely recommend one for you down the road, but for now, like put some structure around your thoughts. And every day, like you look in a mirror every day? Yeah, so then I'd ask yourself, what am I today? And is this person me? You know, and that can be your meditation for now. Are you giving us a link to your blog, by the way? Uh-oh, muted. G-G. Okay, we're S-O-L. Can't hear you.

Yeah, there we go. Is it back to normal? It sounds different, but it's like echoy, but don't worry about it. I mean, we're basically, just send your link. All right, all right. Just posted it. Do I just post it in chat? Oh, are you Dom Windu? I am Dom Windu. It may be that you can't post a link, because mine is showing is edited. Okay.

Okay, so this is what you message, DM it to me, I may be able to post it. Okay. It's my old high school blog, so. You know, if you want people to read it. Yeah, please, go ahead, read it. Okay. Yeah, so Dom, thanks a lot for coming on, man. Oh, no, thanks for having it.

You guys really, you know, put a smile on my face, and that goes a long ways for a lot of people. So I'm going to leave one last thing for you, okay? This could be hard. But I want you to recognize that at some point, somewhere down the line, someone here may be listening to you and be like, wow, Dom seems a lot like me.

Or maybe they'll think he isn't because he's he's more Chad. He's Chad touched and I'm not. But Dom, I'm going to put some awkward responsibility on you, which may be a little bit unfair. But I think you need to learn how to be the person that you really want to be. If that involves playing bass, then learn how to play bass. And then come back and tell us what you've learned or how you've grown. I know. It's a lot of responsibility.

but I want people to understand that like if they connect with you, like you now have a responsibility to each and every person who's watching to see if like you can do it. And maybe this is a mistake, maybe I'm burdening you too much, but like there are people out there who are going to think that it can't be done and you need to prove them wrong. I could do that.

You know what? everyone you know it's crazy to me to think that someone else is invested you know someone I've never met is now invested in me and always you look up to heroes in media who do what you're asking me to do

I think I'm willing to commit to that I'm willing to commit to not only improving myself for myself but for someone else that seems pretty good a chat like for me, you know, to me. Good. Really figuring it out. I can, I'll accept that.

Okay, cool. Thank you very much, because I can't do it alone, bro. I'm here for you, man. Awesome. I'll do it for Dr. Kay, cold leader. Do it for Twitter. The Twitch chat. Oh, man. For the chatars.

The chatars. I'll do it for you boys. I'll do it for you boys, man. Let's freaking go. Let's go. Absolutely. Take care, man. I'm getting pumped.

I'm getting pumped. Okay, good. So then do something good for the rest of the day, man. I'm excited. That is a new... Wow. Amazing. Thank you, doctor.

Okay. Good luck. Thank you. Have a good one. Bye. See you guys. All right, chat. Let's go.

You guys heard it from Dom, right? So, like, for each and every one of you, we're not going to let Dom do it alone, because he may need us. Thanks.