HealthyGamerGG - Why You Can’t Stop Wearing a Mask

Episode Date: May 3, 2022

Today Dr. K talks about Shawn Mendes, his post about wearing a mask, and being authentic.  Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The truth is that we learn how to not be authentic because being authentic usually doesn't go over well. When our parents ask us, how are you doing today? And we say, I'm doing fine, mom, and you see the relief in their eyes, you care and love about your parents. And so you don't want to let them know, like, what you're struggling with. So with each of these lies, they're like building up this carmic debt of like pain and suffering. And so it's interesting because it's not just the theory of karma. there's like evidence that this is damaging psychologically. A lot of times what causes us to use substances is we have all these crushing karmic debts which are weighing on us, right?

Oh my God, oh my God. We've got some kind of negative emotion in here that we carry with us. And that negative emotion is what causes us to reach for the alcohol more easily. So this is a tweet that someone sent me. I think from Sean Mendez, who I understand is a musical artist of quite a bit of success, I believe. I'm not too sure. Not too familiar with their work. So sometimes I ask myself what it is that I should be doing with my life. And what I always hear in return is to tell the truth, to be the truth. I feel like that's a hard thing to do, though. I'm afraid that if people

know and see the truth, they might think less of me. They might become bored of me. So in those moments of feeling low, I either put on a show or hide. The truth is, in current form, is a 23-year-old who constantly feels like he's either flying or drowning. Maybe that's just what it is to be in your 20s. I don't know, or maybe that's just me. The truth is, I really do want to show up in the world is 100% true, honest, unique self and not care about what anyone thinks. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I really don't care what people think and I feel free. Most of the time, it's a struggle, though. That's the truth. The truth is, even with so much success, I still find it hard to feel like I'm not failing. hyper-focused on what I don't have, forgetting to see all that I do. The truth is I'm overwhelmed

and overstimulated law. The truth is also that I'm okay. I'm just trying to tell and be the truth. I like to think that maybe me saying this might resonate with some people. So I think there's a lot of good stuff in here. Right. So when I read this, what I sort of hear is that people say be authentic. Right? People say, don't care about what other people think. You do you. Hater's going to hate. But the truth is like, it's not that easy. Right. The truth is we do care about what people think. The truth is that oftentimes people who don't care about what people think are assholes. Right? So it's like, how do you navigate this? Because you do care about what people think. And you're afraid that if you are authentic with them, that they're going to be. to be bored of you or they won't like it. And where did you get that idea? Is that some fiction that you made up in your head? Unfortunately, probably not. The truth is that we learn how to not be authentic because being authentic usually doesn't go over well. Right. So we learn how to hide because when our parents ask us, how are you doing today? And we say, I'm doing fine, mom. And you see the

relief in their eyes, you care and love about your parents. And so you don't want to let them know like what you're struggling with. Right? So when you say, mom, I'm struggling. And then mom doesn't know what to do. She can't help. And then she frets and asks me more questions, gives me suggestions, tell me to just exercise more. Here, I got you some vitamin D. It'll help. And then the next day rolls around. And mom is like, did you take the vitamin D? Is it helping yet? And then, like she's trying so hard, she loves you so much. You don't want to disappoint her, right? So you're like, yeah, mom, it's really helping.

I feel so much better already. And then she's like, oh, you see the relief, right? So why, how do we learn to not be authentic? Because like, it pays to not be authentic, right? Oh, you're in a job interview. Why do you want to work here? Because I have crippling debt and I don't have a choice. Tell me a little bit.

bit about yourself. Are you excited to work here? Yeah. I'm so excited. I'm going to try to do the minimum amount of work possible and inflate my resume to try to negotiate for a good salary. How do we like being authentic is hard. Let's understand that. Let's understand that sometimes the world does not appreciate authenticity. Right. And it's not just like the negative situations. it's like, yeah, I'm going to wear this particular outfit because it makes me feel good and I don't really care what people think. And then when you're out there in Chad mode, wearing what you want to, not caring what people think, how do people feel about you? It's no personal thing to them, right? You're not doing anything to negatively impact their lives. But here you are living in authenticity and I have to live my life a lie.

I'm spending so much time and effort trying to look great for, other people and you're just out there enjoying yourself. How dare you? And so then like the jealousy, the envy and the toxicity comes out. How dare you live your life when I am suffering? Authenticity can be a threat to other people, right? They don't like it. It's not fair.

So being authentic is tough. It's tough in a lot of ways. So what do we do? We start to put on a mask. And what I want to do is actually sort of share with y'all sort of almost like a karmic perspective or a spiritual perspective here. So then like what happens? So when we put on a mask, we start to create this sort of situation, right, where now I've put on a mask and I've created a certain amount of falsehood. And then I get kind of stuck because like if I want to live authentically, I have to correct that falsehood.

And so if I tell my mom actually the vitamin D doesn't help at all, There's like the lying, there's the her disappointment, there's the, why didn't you tell me? And then it's like you have another opportunity to put on a mask. Well, because when I am honest with you, your response actually makes me feel worse and makes you feel guilty. Like you couldn't be honest with it, but you don't say that, right? And so you just say, I don't know. You're not authentic. So with each moment of authenticity, you're signing yourself up for some amount of pain.

you're signing yourself up and so now what happens is we've been doing this our entire life we've been wearing this mask so we have this like carmic backlog of like pain from authenticity because we've been living our life like sort of like a lie

right and the more we live our life of a lot is a lie like it piles up so I once was working with someone who was just lying about going to school so like, you know, they stopped coming to classes. And I was like, hey, I haven't seen you recently.

They're like, yeah, I just do all my work from home and stuff like that. You know, it's fine. And then they were a friend of mine, so they continued to tell their parents like, oh, yeah, like school is going great, school is going great. They got engaged. You know, they were supposed to be in medical school, but they had kind of dropped out and been kicked out, et cetera, and just like continued living a lie. Would wake up every day, would leave the house,

hang outside, like wander to the streets for eight or nine hours, come home, tell their fiance they had a good day. They're super stressed because of work or because of school,

pretending to be a med student. So with each of these lies, they're like building up this carmic debt of like pain and suffering. And it gets to be so bad that like you can't ever take off. You can't ever come clean because there's just so much pain that you've built up, right? And so that's where, like, I know it sounds kind of weird, but this is why I lean on the theory

of karma here. And so it's interesting because it's not just the theory of karma. There's, like, evidence that this is damaging psychologically and evidence that dealing with this is actually good for people psychologically, which we'll get to in a second. So every time we put on a mask, we're just delaying or creating a potential pain in someone else. This is what I want you all to understand. So the question is, how do we live authentically? Right? Especially if we've got this big backlog.

So we're going to talk a little bit about Alcoholics Anonymous. So Alcoholics Anonymous, a lot of generalizations here, okay? So it's not a perfect organization by any means. There's a lot of toxicity that happens within the organization. There are a lot of other addictions that people will substitute for instead of alcohol. But I think there are a couple things that they really get right. And so remember that Alcoholics Anonymous is also like a spiritual thing. So for some people, that really rubs them the wrong way because that spirituality turns into like religiosity.

And it turns into like a certain amount of forcing a particular perspective on other people onto other people. But I think there are elements of this that are spiritual that are really, really healthy. So Alcoholics Anonymous has this step called making amends. And this is really important because a lot of times what causes us to use substances is we have all these crushing karmic debts which are weighing on us, right? Oh my God, oh my God. We've got some kind of negative emotion in here that we carry with us. And that negative emotion is what causes us to reach for the alcohol more easily. And so how does making amends help with sobriety?

We don't really know, but it does. So what someone who's an AA does is they start making phone calls. to people that they have wronged. All these karmic debts that they have racked up through their drinking, they go and they start like telling people, hey, by the way, when we were dating, you know, I wasn't entirely honest with you.

I lied about this, this, and this. And I actually like, you mentioned a couple times that there was money missing from your wallet. I was the one who took it, and I took it to buy alcohol. I apologize for that. I'd like to pay you back. So that karmic debt, which they wanted to slide past, right?

Because that's what we do. We go and we own it. We pay that price. We experience that pain. And it hurts. But something weird happens. This is what we don't quite understand. When you pay that debt, it increases your chance of sobriety.

As we start being authentic, because that's essentially what AA is doing, right? People who are making amends are like literally being authentic. They lied about it. something and they're going back in time and they're correcting it. So they make amends. And then this leads to a greater positive outcome in terms of sobriety. So there's some evidence that we don't know exactly what an AA works, but something about it seems to help people. Not everyone, right? Because there's also variability with an AA and things like that. And there could be damaging things in it too. But there's something about paying this karmic debt. And that's what's hard about

living an authentic life. Because in that moment of authenticity, we're not delaying that pain. right? We have to experience it there, then and there. So when it comes to how do I live a life of authenticity, right? So how do I take the mask off? And this is where for some people, the amount of pain that they've racked up, the amount of lies they've racked up, the amount of karmic debt they've racked up is too much to handle. So you can't take the mask off and you can't be authentic, which is okay. I know it sounds kind of weird, but it's okay. So this is where if you can do something, like go back and make amends, like that can be very, very helpful. It's going to feel liberating.

And it's weird. The reason that I use spirituality instead of talking about the research of AA like today and talking about karma is because I think the spiritual tradition has a better language that is like more accessible and more understandable and more relatable to the human experience than science does. It may not be correct, but it makes sense. and its utility can be greater. So if you're someone who's struggling to live an authentic life and you say, like, how do I live authentically? It comes down to moments. Even if you've got this backlog, don't worry, I'm not telling you to go and make amends and start living radical authenticity.

What you can start doing is stop accruing the karmic debt. That you can do today. Forget about all the crap that you have to pay back. Forget about telling your parents that you actually dropped out of school two years ago. you've been faking it. Right? Like, you don't have to do that yet. Don't worry.

But you can start living authentically today. Then when they ask you when they call and they say, you know, how are you doing today? You can say, I'm really not doing well. Right? You can start there. So I'm going to give you guys a story. It's a little bit more of a fun story. So one of my teachers was a Swami.

Okay? So Swami is like a religious, they're like a monk who's, it's like the PhD equivalent of a monk. It's like a monk with a doctoral degree. So when you reach a certain level of like competence, basically like sort of the highest rank of monks, you become a Swami. So even within the Hindu tradition, there are two kinds of priests. There are everyday priests who can get married, have bank accounts, have children. They perform religious rituals and stuff like that. It's like their job to be a priest.

They're like a professional priest. And then the Swami is someone who's taken sunyas, which means they've given up their life. So they're not, they're celibate. They don't own things. They're like fully devoted to spirituality. So they're like the hardcore priest. So by professional, I mean like it's their day job. Like the Brahman's day job is to get people married, go home, watch TV, even have a beer

if they want to. I don't know that alcohol is forbidden or not for Brahman's. I don't know. But the Swami won't drink alcohol. They won't do any of that stuff. So they're like the hardcore, like religious sort of like, you know, some of them are enlightened or whatever. So I was learning from a Swami, right?

So Swami told me a story. So Swami is from South India. And Swami was traveling in Gujarat, which is where I'm from. So Gujarat is Western India. And in Gujarat, they have a particular vegetable called a bitter melon. So bitter melon is used in certain kinds of Indian and like Chinese cuisine that I know of, maybe other countries as well, I'm not sure. And bitter melon is called bitter melon because it's bitter.

it like tastes like quite better it's not tasty in a weird like it's like it tastes bad kind of weird so people will eat bettermelons it's like very healthy for you though and sometimes we'll put enough masala like we'll put enough seasoning in it to make it taste good and it can be quite delicious i actually like bitter melon uh you know when prepared properly so there's a certain kind of bitter melon which is pickled so it's like sour and spicy and bitter and it's kind of disgusting if you really don't like those flavors. And so when you're a Swami and you travel, like it's usually like volunteers and stuff.

He's like traveling in India. So he's like staying at people's homes and stuff like that because hotels aren't really like a thing in parts of India. And so he's got like, you know, his disciples and stuff who will drive him around and stuff like that. And so he'll go and he'll teach meditation and a lecture in this village and then he'll go to that village or that city and give another lecture.

He'll teach people meditation. He'll be initiating people and stuff like that. So he's got these people. that drive him around. So he's staying at someone's house, and they serve him dinner. And so he's got, you know, the chapati, which is like the flat bread. It's kind of like a wheat tortilla. And he's got different kinds of vegetables, and then dahl, which is like a lentil soup. And then in the corner, he's got a little bit of like this pickle that he's never had before. So he tries it, and he's like, this is bitter. So I guess where he was from, bitter melon was not used. I don't

know if it's used in other South Indian cuisine or not. But he's like, he never had it before. he's like, this is disgusting. Like, tastes awful. It's like bitter and sour and I don't even. And so being a Swami is like, okay, like, you know, I can't say it's disgusting. So he's also like, I don't want to like eat this throughout the meal. So the first thing that he does is finishes the bitter melon because I'm going to finish the worst thing on my plate first so I can enjoy the rest of my food. So what do you think happens when you finish the bitter melon first?

Huh? So like, oh, here, have some more. and he's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, really, I'm fine. And they're like, no, no, no, have some more. He's just being polite. There's more. Twice as much as the first time. He's like, fuck.

So he's like, well, I ain't eating that shit last. So he, that's not my language, not his. Curse words are my addition's the story. So he goes ahead and eats it again, but he leaves like a little bit towards the end so they don't give him more, right? Because he's learning his lesson. So he's like, left a little bit. bit, finishes the rest of his meal, and then he kind of has the bitter melon second to last and

has like one final bite of something tasty. Right? And they're like, oh, no, no, no, no, I'm fine. So yeah, I still have something. I still have some. I still have some. Okay. So he's like, all right. Done. So the next day, he travels to a different town. He goes to stay with a different family. And sure enough, it's a part of Gujarati cuisine. So what does he find there? He finds the bitter melon. So he sits down, adding stuff to his plate, there's the bitter melon pickle. He's like, fuck me, dude.

Again? So he has it again. Finishes it off. Sure enough, same thing happens again. He's like, oh, crap, I made the same mistake. These people are also insisting. So he learns, gets a second dose, saves one bite for the end. Okay?

Third day, same thing happens again. He's like, what the hell? He's like, so then he asks his disciples, and he's like, you know, what's the deal? Like, I know that bitter melon is like, like, you know, used here, but it seems like we're getting it every single day. And his disciple is like, yeah, of course, Swami G. I saw how much you liked it the first day, so I made sure that you have it every day after.

And I saw how much you enjoyed it. So it's, you know, we're making sure that you're going to have bitter melon pickle every single day. Right? So this is what you've got to understand. If you stop living authentically, you're sowing a karma. and that karma will reap its fruit. Okay? Can't avoid it.

So when you live authentically and you tell people how you feel in this moment, recognize that every time you're inauthentic, you are sowing a seed for the future. Whether you're an alcoholic who's stealing money and you want to try to get by, right? Like you're thinking like, I'm going to dodge it.

I'm going to outsmart karma. Right? I'm going to be like, I'm a Swami. And I'm going to be polite. And I'm not going to offend anyone. and when I go to someone's house, I'm not going to say I don't like something because that's rude.

And this is the price you pay for your kindness. Karma is inescapable. Right? So when we live authentically, people are asking, how do I live authentically? So forget about going back and making amends for now. You should do that one day, absolutely.

And if you're ready for it, go for it. But in this moment, there are going to be times in your life where for a fraction of a second, your mind will say, Don't be honest. Your mind will say, tell, like, you know, your mind will say, like, don't be honest. Your mind will think about how the other person will react, and it will adjust your behavior in that moment.

To create a particular reaction for the other person, don't give in to your impulse to shape someone else's behavior. That's how you live authentically. Like, it's a moment of time where you know, if I say this, this person will react this way. therefore I'm not going to say this. I'm going to say this instead, and then I will create their reaction. It is a manipulation, and it is inauthentic. And you are setting yourself up for a karmic problem the next time around. And even swamis are not immune. What if I want to be disrespectful? So authenticity, so this is important to understand. So in the Hindu tradition, right? So this is where I'm not saying the Hindu tradition is right. I'm going to explain something from the Hindu

tradition, a conclusion that some people in the Hindu tradition came to, and y'all decide whether this makes sense to you. There's satya, which is truthfulness, and there is a hymsa, which is nonviolence. Okay? And satya truthfulness should always be subject to nonviolence. I don't know about always, but generally speaking, should be subject to it. So you should not be truthful at the sake of being violent. So if you're ever concerned about which one should I do, you should try to be nonviolent

first. So you can share something. So, like, hurt and violence are two different things, right? So being disrespectful is about your intention. So you can say, this is disgusting. Who would be so idiotic is to, like, serve me this? That is being violent. That is being disrespectful. So it's not about the other person's feelings. It's about your intentions. So I don't ever advocate for being disrespectful. So being authentic doesn't have to be disrespectful. And that's where, like, some people use it as an excuse to be disrespectful. So you can say, like, oh, would you like it? And if someone offers you more and you're like, no, no, really, like, I actually didn't like it very much.

So I wanted to finish it first. This other stuff is so delicious. You can say that. Right? And it's okay. You can just be honest. It doesn't, you know, they don't have to go like. everything else is so delicious. This is the one weird thing I've never had it before. We don't

eat this down south. It's not exactly to my taste. That's not disrespectful. So don't be disrespectful, but be authentic. And in that moment, when you try to spare someone's feelings, I'm not saying set out to hurt them. That's what hymsa is. We want to do a hymsa, the lack of violence. Right? Yeah, what if someone is sensitive and you lie not to hurt them? So that's where like, you can speak the truth and you should do it with compassion, but you can't necessarily control someone else's reaction. This is another huge problem that we run into with being inauthentic, is we make ourselves responsible for other people's reactions.

This is how abusive relationships persist. Because I learn that by being meek, I can keep someone from hitting me, which may have a certain, survival advantage, but over time, it's not a good long-term strategy. Right? So when it comes to being authentic, like, recognize that it may cause some amount of pain. So you should do everything that you can to try to minimize that pain, but you don't necessarily need to lie. So if your mom is giving you vitamin D and it's not working, right? So like there's language around that too. It's like learning how to be compassionate.

Is the vitamin D helping? Not yet, Mom. But I know that you do your homework. I know that you care about me and you told me to take it. So I'm going to take it every day if I have to until it works. Thank you so much. Right? Like, I don't, I mean, there are things you can say to mitigate it, even if it's not helping.

Just develop your soft skills law. It's not complicated. Like, so I'm hoping, I can't detect sarcasm over the internet, but I'm not saying it's easy. But the whole point is that like, we don't even try. Right? So what happens when you start living a life of inauthenticity

is you dodge the bullet entirely. Like, that's why it's hard because we don't even try. Right? So that's why you start with the smallest thing of authenticity. And you try to ask yourself, how can I say what I'm about to say and be authentic and be compassionate? So as you develop empathy,

you can understand, like, just acknowledge where someone's coming from. So if someone like gets you strawberries that have nuts sprinkled on them, and you're allergic to nuts. And it's Valentine's Day. And you've got on dates for, you've gone on three dates. And now it's that awkward period in your relationship where there's a Valentine's Day that's come way too early.

G.G. Do you celebrate it or do you not celebrate it? And there's nuts on the strawberries. And you're allergic. Someone's like, did you enjoy the strawberries? How do you tell them that you're allergic? by sparing their feelings. Right?

What do you all think? You can say, I know it's not going to sound insane, but I'm actually allergic. It's such a thoughtful gift. And never in my life have I regretted being allergic because those strawberries looked amazing

and it's clear that you put a lot of thought into them and it's like, I've never wanted to be able to eat these nuts more than now. Right? Like you can still say, something. You can honor their gesture. Right? Okay. All right. Does that make sense? Yeah, it's beautifully put. So clockwork chaos is saying appreciate what they did for you, not what you got out of it.

Right? That's a beautiful way to put it. Beautiful way to put it. Right. So appreciate the gesture, even if it didn't help you. Right? You can acknowledge and like honor that for sure.